Andrew Schulz's Flagrant with Akaash Singh - Cancelled feat. Shane Gillis

Episode Date: December 10, 2019

This week Andrew, Akaash, Kaz, and special guest Shane Gillis discuss: Shane's SNL scandal, leaning into Asian culture, beta rape, the real solvers of climate change, the most embarrassing rejections, and much more. INDULGE!! Want to listen to an extra episode every week? Become a PATRON. www.PATREON.com/FLAGRANT2 Make sure to follow this week's guest: Shane Gillis Instagram - @ShaneMGillis Twitter - @ShaneMGillis Website - ShaneMGillis.com Follow the assholes on social: Andrew Schulz Instagram - http://bit.ly/2XLG6iV Twitter - http://bit.ly/2M0LlEB Facebook - http://bit.ly/2JIgTMC Akaash Singh Instagram - http://bit.ly/2JCQ9hF Twitter - http://bit.ly/2Lq3xHZ Facebook - http://bit.ly/32w609g Kazeem Famuyide Instagram - http://bit.ly/2LYzIhg Twitter - http://bit.ly/2YaEZZA Facebook - http://bit.ly/2GgH2RL AlexxMedia Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/alexxmedia/ Twitter - https://twitter.com/alexxmedia Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/alexxanderso... Eddin Martinez Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/thankyoueddin Twitter - https://twitter.com/thankyoueddin Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/eddinmedia Get Flagrant 2 Merch! http://bit.ly/2JDHfk5

What's up everybody welcome to flagrant to no easy buckets. I'm Andrew Schultz I'm here at Akash Singh real life Kaz Alex media. Edan is not in the building today But we have a special guest you have a special guest who especially us in the building very special guest None other than not SNL Shane Gillis Is here with us? Yes yes some of you probably have known uh shane he was quite infamous i would say just a month ago yeah you reached infamy when you had uh quite the scandal you you got the job of uh of a dream i don't know if it's exactly your dream but we can get into that um but you got someone's uh dream job which would be a cast

member on snl and uh of course the cancel culturalists did what they do and they they went back through every single podcast and and tweet and uh in their defense it was like the first video on you fair enough probably four minutes into the first video on YouTube. Fair enough. Probably four minutes into the first video. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In their defense, they didn't really do that much work. Even the laziest guy. I love how you want

to take away the idea that they're hardworking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They didn't do shit. I mean, algorithms probably, like those cancel culture books probably came up

as a YouTube recommended. Right, right, right. It popped up. So they found some videos of you saying some offensive things towards the Asians, towards the Chinese Asians, if you will. Yeah. And of course, it becomes this natural controversy because there's an Asian that is going to be on SNL.

Yeah. What's the guy's name? His name's Bowen. Bowen Yang. Yeah. Okay. And I was really happy I got the Yang. I see you.

I see you. I see you. I see you. I see you. I see you. I see you. I see you. I see you.

I see you. I see you. I see you. I see you. I see you. I see you. I see you. I see you.

I see you. I see you. I see you. I see you. I see you. I see you. I see you. I see you.

I see you. I see you. I see you. I see you. I see you. I see you. I see you. I see you.

I see you. I see you. I see you. I see you. I see you. I see you. I see you. I see you.

I see you. I see you. I see you. I see you. I see you. I see you. I see you. I see you.

I see you. I see you. I see you. I see you. I see you. I see you. I see you. I see you.

I see you. I see you. I see you. I see you. I see you. I see you. I There's like three options He's leading it He's leading Shane has not learned this lesson He's got uphill wild

No but respect to Bowen Yang Respect to Bowen Yang That's my pick for president That's a guy $1,000 a month That was so hot Oh that's the one giving back money

Yeah yeah yeah I want you to know I want you to know this is very funny on the way here I was trying to call him and I accidentally called Andrew Yang. See, they all don't look the same.

All Andrews look alike. You know what they say. Okay, so this happens. Obviously, you don't get SNL. Your life gets twist turned upside down. To quote Will Smith. And now, unfortunately, you're here doing the flagrant podcast. Yeah, fuck.

Yeah, how times change in just a month. I mean, this is better, in my opinion. It's way better. Way better. You know what I mean? But at the same time, the check is not the same. You know what I mean? I bet the check isn't that far off.

Really? From SNL? Well, let's start out with SNL. Before we get to all the crazy stuff, can I say one thing that you should do? You should call yourself SNL alumni for the rest of your life. Oh, yeah.

I mean, you are. Just to infuriate everybody who got you fired. That's what you got to do. What's really funny, if you Google SNL and click cast, it's like me, Adam Sandler, and Chris. I'm one of their most famous cast members. You got to ride that.

You got to embrace that. I mean, there are people who have been in the exact same amount of sketches as you using that credit. Yeah, real talk. They should. Yeah, I'm the shortest cast member ever. The shortest tenured. Well, you're definitely more known than a lot of people that have had zero fucking skits

on that show. I mean, those people, they get the features at the end. Like, oh, I'm featuring. Yada, those people, they get the features at the end. Like, oh, I'm featuring. Yada, yada. Where the modern day Tim Meadows is, I'd rather be you. So we'll get into that. But first of all,

okay, so there's obviously, everything good, Al? Yeah, obviously there's a shitty situation that you're in. I thought the shittiest part of it, and you correct me if I'm wrong, but if I was a comic is the thing that the world knows you about isn't funny yeah the biggest issue with your the the

video the clip that they start to use the the major one it wasn't funny and you're funny yeah is that is that the thing that's tearing you apart when this whole thing breaks? Oh, for sure. For sure. First off, it was a two-minute clip out of the... It was funny. If you know me and Matt. If you know me and Matt, how we talk and us.

Like him having a strong opinion saying Chinese food is a dishonest cuisine. Okay. It's like, oh, he's goofy. That's valid. He's funny Chinese food is a dishonest cuisine. Okay. It's like, Oh, he's valid. He's funny. He's a, why is it dishonest? That's fucking weird.

He's saying it's dishonest because of the nutritional value. He's just a weird fucking dude. Okay. So it's funny to have him say that. I thought it was because Chinese people don't eat it. I thought it wasn't like authentically what you get in China. Yeah. See,

no one knows what the fuck he's talking about. It's up to interpretation. But then I was sitting there like, this guy's an artist, bro. I was like, get one knows what the fuck he's talking about. It's up to interpretation. But then I was sitting there like, this guy's an artist, bro. I was like, get those goddamn ducks out of the window.

Like I'm making fun of my, like a Alex Jones type care. I don't know. If you listen to the podcast, that clip wasn't that stupid. Now, if you just saw that clip, you're probably like, all right,

these guys are just fucking idiots. This is just racist. The clip. I didn't even think it was that crazy. I mean, obviously you said the word chink, right? And don't say it anymore. We'll say it for you. We'll say it.

Well, he'll say it for you. The thing that I've always thought about with the word chink is it's got to be the least racist word because you can use it in non-racial ways, and people do. It's the only racial homonym. Yes, I guess that's what I meant. Isn't that homonym when it's the same word used differently? Synonym. No, synonym sounds similar. No, no the only racial homonym. Yes, I guess that's what I meant. Isn't that homonym when it's the same word

used differently? Synonym. No, synonym sounds similar. No, no, no, homonym. So like you can say a chink in the armor, right? Right, okay. Right, so I think we even said

on this podcast, you can say there's a chink in the armor, you can't say there's a chink on the armoire, right? So like those, one of those is wildly racist. You're like, why are you describing that guy

sitting on the armoire? And then the other one is like, oh, we found a way to beat the bad guy. It's a euphemism. Can you imagine if other slurs were like weaknesses?

Yo, son, bro, well, we can't say the other ones. What is the one we always use for Indians? Bipty, right? Bipty, yeah.

And nobody knows Bipty, but it's just like a dollar Bipty, about 250, whatever. I'll tell you the real camel jockey in the armor with that guy.

Gaz, come through with the one we want. Come through with the one we want. Come on, you're one too. Come through with the one we want, Kaz. I was just waiting for my salt and vinegar chips. My sandwich on the way here. But yeah, it is a weird way. But of course,

people are going to see this thing, especially Asians are going to see this thing out of the context of a humor and they're told to look at it one way, right? They're not told to look at it

as a comedy podcast and look for the comedy. They're told to look at it as the racist thing and if someone says, hey, there's some racism in here, you're going to find it. Yeah.

No, I mean, from the start, was like if i saw this clip with that headline i'd be like damn that's pretty fucked up that's pretty fucked up so yeah so then so then the annoying thing happens and i knew this was gonna happen we text about this i think it was like pretty quickly after yeah right somebody sent me your number i was like dude what's gonna happen is they're gonna build this fucking narrative around you they're gonna look through everything you've ever said about asian people and they're gonna try to find a way to make it seem racist and article after article would come out and this

was what i thought was really unfair judge somebody by what they said that's fine if you want to be offended i don't care whatever it is but when they started to take things that you said out of context right like what you were making this argument that it's wrong that you can just make Asian jokes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right? Yeah. He basically goes, I mean, it's completely unfair.

You could just make Asian jokes and people laugh, and it's totally okay. Which is true. But they just take the part, you can make Asian jokes and people laugh, it's okay. Yeah, they left that out. They left that out. It's crazy.

It's totally unfair. These are like real news sources. Yeah. Like CNN leaving out a quote that's like, it's totally hypocritical, but you can make violations. CNN is totally objective. Insane. But it's great.

Like you hear Trump say that, and you're like, ah, this is bullshit. But then when it fucking happens to you or it happens to your friend, you're like, oh, wow, there is an objective. There's a narrative. People just want clicks. And the clicking thing is, Shane doesn't like Asians. Yeah. Yeah, which is crazy. It's crazy.. And the clicking thing is, Shane doesn't like Asians. Yeah, which is crazy.

If anybody would be black people, you'd be like, what the fuck? Asians are great. Great is a bit much to me. I don't know what to do. But the question is, how do black people say noodles? I don't know. Spaghetti. Boyardee. We only know one pasta dish, yo.

Alex, what's the one pasta dish all black people know? Chef Boyardee. Oh, motherfucker. Fettuccine Alfredo. Oh, yeah. This is the only, oh, god damn it.

I forgot you're half and half. I love that, bro. God damn it. You ruined the rhythm. Anyway, continue, bro. Oh, yeah. This is the only... Oh, God damn it. I forgot you're half and half. I love that, bro. God damn it. Ruined the rhythm. Anyway, continue, bro. Look at that. Black Steel ruining rhythm. That's his first.

That's his first. We really are breaking boundaries here, Shane. Oh, yeah. That was... Anyway, so you're in this fucked up situation, and instead of that, you get dropped, and now, all of a sudden, you get to go on on the road and you have crowds sold out. Yeah. Or people are coming out.

We're getting there. People are coming out. Yes, yes. People are coming out to see you. The first weekend I did Helium in Philly, but that's where I'm from. But it did sell out five shows, which was nice. Nice.

That's crazy. Five shows is crazy. I don't care where you're from. Were people throwing duck sauce on stage? What was the situation? There is a funny thing that's happening now because as much as woke people misinterpreted it, there's also fucking racist dudes that misinterpreted it.

I'll be walking down the street and be like, get those asses, bro. Chill, chill, chill, chill, dude. But how do you balance that? Because they're also buying tickets. I let them buy the tickets, for sure. But then during the show, I'm like, shut the fuck up. Stop the fuck.

Woo! Like, you, no. Yeah, they'll always, like, scream out, like, fuck SNL. Fuck Asian people. No, they don't. No, they don't. I've gotten drunk guys after shows that have said, I mean, there's always been this thing. Of course you have, Duncan.

Where drunk guys after shows, usually they're coming up to you and being like, hey, you want one you can use? And then it's just something crazy. Something crazy. You gotta give us one now. And let me put this in context. Shane did not say this. Someone told him that.

Yes. Proper context. It's a quote from a maniac from fucking long island all right it was after governors i did governors if there's any racist i enjoy the most it made no sense he came up to me after the show and was like hey i got one you can use and this is like you know i'm shaking hands and taking pictures and shit after a show this guy just waited in line to tell me this he was like got one you can use gooks are us just waited in line to tell me this. He was like, got one you can use.

Gooks are us. I was like, okay. That's all he said. That's all he said. He was like, what is that fucking beat, dude? And then he was like, you're going to use it. You're going to use it. I was like, well, yeah, I guess.

Now I am. I hope he used it. He was right. He was right. He was right. What if he's like a super meta Long Island guy that plays bro, but he's really subservient

with his humor. He's like, I'm going to give him the worst joke ever. He's going to talk about it. He's got no fucking deals. I don't know how Long Islanders talk about it.

That is big worthy, to be honest. It just makes no sense. Just establishing how people misinterpret the thing. Yeah, for sure. Now, before this thing happened, obviously, at least from what you're telling us, zero animosity towards Asians at all. Why?

Yeah, I'm not fucking. Just the blacks. I'm not nuts. I'm not crazy. Why would I? Well, first off, I grew up in no Asians where I'm from. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sounds nice to me.

There's no interaction. Asian, sort of. Hold on. So I know. What is there to not like? Yeah, they have pretty good PR if you haven't met them. They're great, yeah. All the movies and stuff.

The TV shows. These Asians are incredible. The back half of your sentence was very important. You see one of them take a shit on the street, you're like, look. TV shows. These Asians are incredible. The back half of your sentence was very important. You see one of them take a shit on the street. You're like, whoa. This was not in any of the movies. This was not in the video at all, bro. They just piss it on the floor at the airport.

What the fuck happened? I'm in Singapore. Why are you doing this? There's just bathrooms everywhere. Oh, my God. No, no no no I mean it's just I don't really

you know genuinely this is as corny as it gets to say I don't really have an animosity towards any race in particular

right you know that'd be kind of fucking nuts yeah yeah so it was funny and I've never met like

it's funny to have people be like what are you racist against Asians I don't know it's just kind of funny I've never met I've never met like a white guy that? I don't know. It's just kind of funny. I've never met anyone. I've never met a white guy

that was like, God damn Asians. That's just not me. Usually they're very low on the list of racists. If it comes to the totem pole of racism, it's like, blacks, Jews. No, no, no. You got that. True racist, Jews. Jews first. Jews, blacks.

Nobody tried to get rid of the blacks. We can use these I mean they tried They gave it the old College tribe For a number of years We're resilient We're resilient

They weren't looking to breed the biggest Jews in the Holocaust No they weren't God damn That was their fear. Like, they might breathe. What movie did I just see? All of them? Okay, so...

Never mind. Yeah, it'd be a wild thing to just hate that one group. Well, yeah, yeah. But, yeah, it's just funny. I've never even considered, like, am I racist against Asian people? Yeah. Like, no, that's not on my... But now you've reflected, though.

Yeah. Now that I've reflected... Now that they've taken SNL from you. Yeah, yeah. I will also say, it's like, dude, accents are funny. Doing an Asian accent's funny. Yes. Doing an Australian accent's funny.

There's nothing to it. It wasn't very funny, to be honest. Does it? Neuters? Neuters? Neuters was hilarious. No, no, no. I thought it was funny. No, it's accent is funny. There's nothing to it. It wasn't very funny, to be honest. Does it? Neuters? Neuters? Neuters was hilarious. No, no, no. I thought it was funny.

No, it's not that funny. It was a fucking inside joke between, and my girlfriend said it in the Chinese restaurant. In the clip, I'm defending Asian people. That's so funny. In the clip, my girlfriend's like, ooh, I want some neuters. And we were at a Chinese restaurant. I was like, yo, chill. Don't be fucking racist.

Yeah, man, take her job. Yeah, and then in the same clip, like, I mean, it's crazy. So your girl hates Asians too. She hates Asians. She just moved to Vermont

and that's why. She's the real culprit here. The next part of the clip is like me talking about like how there was a Chinese kid trying to learn English. Like playing a video game

loudly next to me. Right. And I was mad that he was doing that. like how there was a chinese kid trying to learn english on it like playing a video game loudly next to me right and i was mad that he was doing that and i was making fun of myself while my fat ass was eating noodles with a fork i'm mad at a kid trying to learn a second language right like this what is how is that missed yeah they took that at face value they took that at he was actually upset that an Asian was trying to learn sorry we're trying to learn English what the fuck

what are we doing here any other groups you hate the British I'm reading this book right now about the Irish. This guy named Thomas Marr. It's crazy. His life's crazy. But it's about the potato family and all that shit.

And everything the British did. It was a genocide that for some reason no one talks about. What do you mean? The British just genocided the... Yeah, exactly. I don't care about white genocide. We don't. We care about Jew genocide we don't we care about

Jew genocide but that's like we're not good with our victim marketing that's just because they give us loans yeah but even before that like I don't think

white people are good at their victim marketing no no very bad at victim marketing now I also thought about it because like every once in a while you'll hear white guys be like Irish were slaves too

yeah yeah but we don't live in America anymore like that was in Ireland. Right. Like, it's weird for black people in America because they still live with the same government that had them. Right. Meanwhile, Irish people moved here and were, you know.

Yeah. But over there, there's an animosity. Like, my family's Scottish. They don't like the English. Yeah. At all. But I think the English did a pretty good job with Scotland. Like, if you look at Braveheart to now, Scotland's really improved. Scotland's got their act at work.

I mean, they got roads. Got a couple guys' heads off. Got some fucking ramps. They're killing it. They're not painting their face like idiots anymore. Shit is going well now that England has stepped up and got the Scott out of them. And I say this as a proud Scotch. I love the accent. I love all that out of them. And I say this as a proud Scott. I love the accent. I love all that kind of stuff.

And English food sucks. Oh, it's the fucking worst. But Scott. Haggis. That just sounds disgusting. I don't know what it is. Haggis is a sheep's stomach. Wait a minute.

The intestines put into a sheep's stomach. That shit is white chitlins. Dude, that's a The intestines Put into a sheep Sheep stomach That shit is White chitlins Yeah That's exactly What the fuck it is Scottish are the White black people

They're the white Africans Tribal people With the face But like That's what we do Bro Africa's pretty big bro Colonized by white people

You know what I'm saying Joe Joe Joe Joe That's our history Fighting for freedom You know what I'm saying that's our history fighting for freedom you know what I mean this is exactly what I was just saying white people be like Irish were slaves too

we were slaves too you know I'm not trying to out trauma you that is the thing to do now is to out trauma I was giving you my favorite thought of the week, by the way. Which is? This Queen and Slim movie that came out.

Nobody likes this movie. I'm just tired of seeing motherfucking movies with cops shooting niggas, fucking slave movies, fucking all that black trauma shit. I get it. It's profitable now. I get people are making a ton of money shout out what's her face um lena waithe yeah i think she's super talented i still i still love the thanksgiving episode of master or none but like i'm just like i'm tired of it dog i'm tired of it like it look the trail looks great i was like there's no way like there's no way great i didn't i didn't throw it shot really well like the cinematography is like you know say what you want about how it's written whatever like the way it's shot it looks amazing yeah but i'm just good

on black trauma movies for like yeah well a good 10 white women aren't done yet they still like it wait a minute have seen, and then they try to guilt you for not wanting to watch it or not liking it. It's like, how can you be pro-black? How can you be this, this, that, and not support this movie? I'm like, I'm just tired of seeing this shit, bro. Can I just give you $10?

Go fund me. I'll just give money to you. I would give you the $10 just so I don't have to get fucking bombarded with these images over and over a fucking again. God, like I don't...

There's plenty of great black movies without all this fucking trauma that you can fucking make a shit ton of money out of. But fuck. We need the black success movies. We need the George Washington Carver. We need that peanut butter documentary, bro. You know what the action is.

I love that's how you're going to go to like proud black guy. No, but we've had. Proud black guy. Yo, he's good. He's good because he's kind of a deep cut black dude. It is. He's not super. He's not MLK.

That's like hacky. No, George Washington Carver is not a deep, deep cut. George Washington Carver is like, it was written. It's the B-side of the album. It's the B-side. It was written. Martin Luther King is like

bro if that movie was amazing we could make him the most famous George Washington I'm sure we could in terms of legacy

right and in terms of actual like outside of you the first president like whose legacy is actually like yo yo

first of all do you carry cash Washington slapped because the cash was around I only carry singles. Do you carry cash? The only reason I have cash is because we're doing live shows.

If it wasn't for doing these spots around the city, I wouldn't have cash. That dollar bill keeps George Washington alive. Nah, he the first, though. Say what? He the first. I'm aware that he's the first. Who's the first president or prime minister of England? Nobody fucking knows.

We're going to forget about it. And the more shit we learn about George Washington George Washington Carver the peanut butter is not going away still slaps we got peanut butter

cashew peanut oil you like Thai food boom you like Thai food he didn't invent Thailand that being said what were they cooking with before

what I bet they were using neuters see it's funny it's funny it's slaps it's funny it's slaps neuters it's funny it's funny

neuters neuters neuters neuters place neuters neuters neuters no but they were probably

using like a soybean or whatever you know what I mean he didn't invent peanuts they had peanuts it's a plant they had peanuts they used a peanut

or so this is what we do we do George Washington Carver documentary. We need to do the positive black experience. What's his face to play in Black Panther? Julia Roberts. What's his name?

Chadwick Boseman. Julia Roberts has to play George Washington Carver. Get her in there. Yo, first off, I don't know why people Try to act like that Wouldn't be fucking A must watch Fucking movie Julia Roberts delivers Her most engaging

Performance ever As Harriet Tubman Are you kidding me Yo Queen and Slim I'm like What's on Netflix I'll watch it

Bro They should've got Dolezal Yes dude Dolezal could've Pulled it off too She definitely could've Bro

She believed that shit Also Dolezal Truthfully has done more for the black community than almost any actress. Yo, that's true. Hot take. That's the ugly truth about it. No, it's true. It's facts. Let's talk about it.

This is the ugly truth about Rachel Dolezal. What do you mean by that? Did she work with the NAACP and help? I think she was a leader. How did she do that? She worked up the ranks, was doing really good shit. And then he just found out she was white. And then they were just like, no,

you out. You're done. It is crazy. I mean, it does out you as kind of fucking crazy. Which is fine. Which is the problem. It's totally fine.

Yo, but this is the thing that's interesting. Genius is crazy. That's what Kanye always says. Rachel Dolezal admits that she's not black, but wants to be. And now she's crazy. Sean King, do you know that writer?

He won't admit that he's white, even though we know he's fucking... Yeah, yeah. His brother looks like you. He has fucking eyes. They're exactly the same, right? Oh, hey. Dude, he won't admit it, and he's still the top guy. Who's the top guy?

D-Ray, we don't know where he's gone. D-Ray in that vest, I gotta go. We don't know. We haven't heard from D-Ray, we don't know where he's gone. D-Ray in that vest. That got to go. We don't know. We haven't heard from D-Ray. Sean King is holding it down. Who else? Is he really?

Who else? Name another journalist. Son, you got me right there. I'll fuck with David Dean. Name another journalist. I'm out. He don't got the numbers that Sean King got. I get it. Sean King, dude.

Fuck, he really still out here. Is he a journalist? My people got it good, bro. I don't got the numbers That Sean King got I get it Sean King dude Fuck He really still out here Is he a journalist? White people got it good bro I don't know what I just see him on Twitter This is how little I give a fuck about journalists

Every time you say Sean I think we're talking about Kemp He stopped playing 20 years ago I honestly thought You were going to talk about Sean Kingston Like yo

Beautiful Beautiful girl Is he doing an album With Antonio Brown? Yeah Antonio Brown got shot shot right next to him, which is a great rapper tale. Wait, what? Antonio Brown got shot?

Yeah, Antonio Brown rapped on this song about how he got shot, and Sean Kingston was there. So Sean Kingston was on the song. Wait, Antonio Brown. The wide receiver. The wide out. Pittsburgh Steelers. Got shot.

Apparently a couple years ago. Didn't tell anybody. Gotcha. I think he's lying. I think so. He's lying. I don't think he took a playoff.

He hasn't proved to be the most reputable source of the truth lately. But I mean, yeah, that's what's happening. I haven't heard the song. I wouldn't put my ears

through that. But yeah, I thought you were talking about Sean Kingston. No, I'm not talking about Sean. Shout out to Sean King. He's done more for me than Sean King has. How do we even get into No. I'm not talking about Sean. Shouts to Sean King. We got to get him on here.

Paul's done more for me than Sean King has. How do we even get into this? I'm not even sure. Talking about- Queen and Slim. Ah, Queen and Slim. Harriet Tubman. Being trash.

Julian Roberts. Queen and Slim is trash. No, we're talking about- Here's the thing. I don't think Queen and Slim is trash. I haven't seen it. I can't give it- You haven't even seen it?

No. I just don't want to see black trauma movies no more. I'm with you. Never been into the slave movies. It's weird. Never been into any of that. It's fucking weird. Am I the only one that thinks it's not fucking weird?

Trust me. Also, as a white guy, slave movies aren't that great for us either. It's not like we're feeling great at the end of these. Why would you go? If any white guy that goes to that movie is trying to live. Guilt is profitable. They're trying to feel good all day. Guilt is profitable.

Exactly. It's like a Civil War reenactment. That's what it is. They're putting on the fucking costume. They're going there. I swear to God, if you're getting off on those movies, there's something deep inside you. I get if you see like Roots. Everybody sees Roots.

Okay. They show Roots in fucking grade school. I get that. I even give you a pass if you saw Django because you're killing slave masters. Django is fire. Django is awesome. Django is different.

Django unchanged. I can't believe you said Django. The only reason why Django is good is because Django is different is because he's a superhero. He wins, right? So he kills the bad guy. And it's just a hot movie. It's action.

It's fucking shooting. It's Tarantino. It's Shotwell. Great one-liners. Great monologues. Sure. That's my type of shit. Sure.

But there is something off about these types of movies, but I've realized what it is. I think I understand what it is because the same thing exists for women right there are a million podcasts that women watch that are listened to that are about like serial killers and like murders right like all these like murder mystery podcasts all that kind of stuff there's three different law and orders right which every episode is a girl getting murdered pretty much like that. Right? And Criminal Minds, a bunch of other shows, just women getting murdered. Constantly.

All about women getting murdered. And I think what it is is women are told from a young age by their parents, hey, be careful when you go out. You could get raped or murdered. And they're told that every single day. And it doesn't happen. My dad wouldn't shut up about it. He's like, you're going to get raped.

To you? Every time. Yeah, all of us. Really? No. That was funny to imagine somebody saying that every single day to a daughter. He's like, son, you got a great ass.

They're going to get you. Someone's going to titty fuck you, son. That's a love of a father right there. It's like, son, I've seen you getting out of the shower. Boy, you are going to get raped. It's like, son, I've seen you getting out of the shower. Boy, you are going to get raped. So basically there's this, aren't you from PA?

Yeah. Wow, and he never sent you to that Sandusky camp? No, no, no, no. He didn't care. No, we were Notre Dame fans. Fuck Penn State. I was like happy when that news dropped. I was like, yes.

We won't rape you in the college. Yeah, we'll rape you in the church. We'll get you a church, baby. Either way, you're getting it. So they're told this thing about the world. It doesn't exist in that way. So they're listening to these podcasts and watching these shows to confirm this idea

about the world that they've been sold but doesn't exist to them. And I think what happens with so many of these, like these news stories that happen, you know, like barbecue Becky or like white ladies, like these, me,

you. No, real talk. Real talk. Real talk. So it's like, I think, and again,

I can't speak for you guys, but I don't know how many like overtly racist things have happened in your life. I know you've had like the cop pulls you over for no fucking reason. I've been in the car with Alex when it happened. And I'm sure you have a million of these different things where someone's kind of following you. But the overt like, hi, I'm a great, I'm a cartoonishly racist person. I'm going to be racist to you. I bet doesn't happen as much as it's been sold to you.

Is that fair to say? Overt racist. Overtly, yeah. I mean, that's been sold to you. Is that fair to say? Overt racism. Overtly, yeah. I mean, that's the thing, though. Like, that's the thing. That's why this shit kind of sells so much now because the new type of overt racism is like the shit that's under the table

like in your face, but like, you know. Right, so just to finish the point, the point is these stories are so sexy to us because they confirm a belief we have about the world that we don't see all the time of course

you know what happens I'll watch those movies and like the first five minutes there's like a take any fucking black trauma movie I think it was

The Hate U Give I just saw that a few weeks ago shut you fucking up yeah I know it was wild that shit is like homework for me. When you watch those movies, when you watch it, it's about-

That's the one with Donald Glover and Rihanna? No, that's the shit on Amazon. Son, ain't no movie with Donald Glover and Rihanna. I think Ava DuVernay. This is an Ava DuVernay flick. No, it's a Donald Glover and Rihanna movie. Yeah, it was on Amazon. Is he black again?

What happened with Donald Glover? Who, Donald Glover? Yeah. He's black? Bro, he trying. How the fuck with Donald Glover, bro? He had that fucking black trauma video that we all pretended was hot. This is America? Yeah. This's black? Bruh, he trying. How the fuck with Donald Glover, bro? He had that fucking black trauma video

that we all pretended was hot. This is America? Yeah. This is America was a fire? Nah, yo. I thought it was pretty good.

I thought it was good. What are you talking about? I don't want that from Donald Glover, yo. This is America. I can write a sitcom and make millions of dollars and be an actor.

This is America. With my wife, my wife, and a half-white baby. This is America. I can be woke and marry a white woman. This is America. My name is Donald and I am Black Struggle. This is America With my wife My wife and half white baby This is America I can be woke But marry a white woman This is America My name is Donald

And I am Black Struggle This is America I don't use deodorant I perform for white teenagers This is America It's like Shut the fuck up bro I hate this

I'm still jumping for trees And get all the credit This is America This is America He stole This is America Oh gosh Apparently it was Somebody else's song Wasn't it? I don't know Yeah he got all this shit This is America. He stole This is America. Apparently it was somebody else's song, wasn't it?

I don't know. Yeah, he got all this shit for it. Did he? Yeah. Anyway, I like this song. Anyway, the point I was saying, so when I watch these movies, the first thing I do is... Cash, white people are talking.

Fuck you. Fuck you, Andrew. Racism's not real. Racism's not real. Get over it. God damn. Send it out. The AP, God damn it.

The supercut of all of this. If you guys fucked me on this and just had a supercut, I'm just a clip of me being like, Gooks are up. And you're like, oh my God, they got me. He's back again. We just got to recut all this. Are you sure that's what you want to say?

Maybe you shouldn't. No, I'm ready. I'm ready to talk. It's recuts of just this side. You guys aren't even here today. We did a special vlog. Don't fucking joke about it because people will do that.

People are going to do it. People are going to do it. That's the beauty of this podcast. That's the beauty of this show. People know what they're getting when they come to this show. Bro, we have an episode where Kaz is wearing a MAGA hat

the whole episode. The entire fucking episode. Not a single screenshot. Not a single screenshot. Has a leak. Not one. Really, not one. This is,

we've created the last bastion of fun that exists on planet Earth. A black guy. It's a safe house. From Africa. The guy who took out Jussie Smollett,

literally wearing the MAGA hat. Yo, speaking of. What? By the way, my agency dropped me and kept Jussie Smollett. What?

Just so you know. Oh, my God. This is America. That's crazy. I mean, crazy. Which agency? A guy who faked a hate crime. Oh, my God.

Kept his job. Yeah, which agency, yo? Say it. Just say it. Fuck them. Say it. UTA. Oh, they're a good name.

They're one of the big, what, three or whatever the fuck they are? Yeah, no, that's a big one. Yeah. UTA's a, they're a good name. They're one of the big three or whatever the fuck they are. Yeah, no, that's a big one. UTA is a big stand-up. The thing that really sucks, though, is the agents that I had liked me and I got along with them, but it came from just the time it was just immediately like, no, you got to get rid of them. Really? Yeah. And who else do they represent?

Let's just see. UTA reps a fucking ton of people. I bet if we look through, we can find super racist sketches they've all done. Who do they represent? I'm pretty sure. Wait, don't they represent? Let's just see. UTA reps a fucking ton of people. Do you know, I bet if we look through, we can find like super racist sketches they've all done. Who do they represent? I'm pretty sure. Wait, don't they represent Amy? They represent everybody.

Everybody. I'm pretty sure they rep Aziz. Aziz. They rep everybody. And this guy doesn't even know what wine a woman wants. You know what I mean? He won't even ask

what kind of wine do you like on a date? Fucking pervert. Yeah. On a smonger. Yo, real talk, on a scale of like Indian raping. Bro, like when Indians found out about that, you think they were embarrassed?

Like when Indian rapists found out about Aziz's rape. Something to drink? You don't prefer him thirsty? Yeah, they were like, he's gay. This motherfucker's gay, dude. Who treats women like this? You gotta take it. The gayest rape?

Fuck! You don't even rape like Alpha. Beta rape. Beta rape. Holy shit. Oh my god. beta rape holy shit oh my god oh oh

Jesus Christ I love this fucking special too on Netflix oh did you like it I like this special because he was still fucking pissed off and you could tell but you couldn't be like you like it? I like this special because he was still fucking pissed off.

And you could tell, but he couldn't be like... You heard it in his voice where he was like, you know, trying to act like he's grown and become a better person, but still underneath, he's like, are you fucking kidding me? I want to show him an episode. He opens addressing it, and then he's like, okay, now we can move on. And does a special. It's pretty funny. But does he actually say what he feels or is he apologizing?

Yeah, I don't know. Who knows? No, he sounds like a very like, he has like a sincere thing. But it's like, also, what did he do? Pick the wrong girl. Brought home a girl. Sound like an awkward date. Trying to fuck her.

I'll tell you what he did. White woman. That's what he did. A white woman. Hey, that shit can come back on you, bro. Very true. Playing a dangerous game. Very true.

That's it. You're talking about, that's J come back on you, bro. Hey, you're playing a dangerous game. That's what you're talking about. That's Jenga Unchained right there. Every white woman, you're pulling a block out of the

tower. You get the wrong one, that whole shit gonna topple. So a brown woman, you don't think that would have happened?

Bro, the bitch got wine. No. We good, son. We know what rape really is. We from India. Oh my God.

Hey, you're fucking around, motherfucker. That's the kind of wine I want. To give him some wine. So you can't take really is we from India She likes it your bitch ass down pussy There was wine. Oh my God. I'm just looking through your nose. Says here it was a 1997 Bordeaux. Your Honor, Seinfeld was playing. Isn't that hilarious?

That was my favorite part. Do you know he turned on Seinfeld? Yeah I remember that Now that you bring it up But didn't I swear to god Didn't he do Nothing wrong?

I mean Criminally? For sure nothing right? No no I don't remember There's nothing wrong But to turn on Seinfeld To get a girl to wet up

I mean dude Seinfeld to wine That's my go to You go through Seinfeld? Seinfeld's always on Seinfeld's always on Seinfeld's always on Seinfeld's always on Seinfeld's always on Seinfeld's always on Seinfeld's always on Seinfeld's always on Seinfeld's always on Seinfeld's always on Seinfeld's always on Seinfeld's always on Seinfeld's always on Seinfeld's always on Seinfeld's always on Seinfeld's always on Seinfeld's always on Seinfeld's always on Seinfeld's always on Seinfeld's always on Seinfeld's always on Seinfeld's always on Seinfeld's always on Seinfeld's always on Seinfeld's always on Seinfeld's always on Seinfeld's always on Seinfeld's always on Seinfeld's always on Seinfeld's always on Seinfeld's always on Seinfeld's always on Seinfeld's always on Seinfeld's always on Seinfeld's always on Seinfeld's always on the game. I mean dude. I mean dude. I mean, dude, that's my go to you go through Seinfeld. Seinfeld is always on this. Just something that

I know. So I can just like here. Can you imagine the clock? Can you imagine aggressively trying to get pussy with

look to the cookie Elaine Seinfeld only comes on during fucking hours. What do you think about it? It only comes on at like 11pm You think you turn on a cable?

In the middle of the day Seinfeld is only on I see family guy in the background Family guy's up there Family guy's a go-to You sounded like Stewie right there I'm more of a Ken Burns documentary guy I like a fashion Say you put him to sleep like Cosby You don't even need to drug him go to you sounded like Stewie right there more of a Ken Burns documentary for our own entertainment. You got to give us a super cut to play the Patriot. What the hell, dude? You killed me.

That's the Patriot, yo. You're killing me. Don't do it. God, bro. Oh, I'm kidding. They put themselves to sleep. It's fun.

It's fun. You know what one of these conservative heroes got to do is go through and cut together clips of every AOC, Hillary, and just cut it together

of them saying some horrible shit and then just retweet it. Just cut it together and fuck up anything. So if, you know, if AOC says something like it's terrible, we treat poor people as if you are less than.

And then just cut it up to say like, poor people, you are less than. And then just put that out there. Yeah, but it's also what happens with the left. You can't really get them because when they offer an apology, the left takes it.

Yeah. Typically. Yeah, but usually you still got, there has to be punishment offer an apology, the left takes it. Yeah. Typically. Yeah, but usually you still got it. There has to be punishment beyond an apology. Usually you lose something, that's the pound of flesh, and then you apologize. What's the guy's name? That's actually because Louis apologized. They haven't forgiven him.

No. But did you see what Louis said? Yeah, I just heard about that. That was hilarious. Did you see what he said? The Auschwitz joke? Yeah, it was funny. Dude, it was so funny.

Yeah, I just heard about that. The Auschwitz joke? Yeah, it was funny. Dude, it was so funny. He's in Tel Aviv doing, he's in Israel, doing a late night show or something. Was that the context? And he goes, guys, I mean, it's tough for me.

I'd rather be in Auschwitz than in New York right now. And then he goes, I mean, now that it's closed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's crazy about it is he had done that joke before. He had done that joke. Millions of times. he had done that joke before he had done that he had done that joke on uh the clips that came out the that youtube set of governors that came out right he did the joke then too the joke's funny he's like auschwitz now he's like do you think people at auschwitz back then were like someday they're gonna be like selling tickets to get in here like there's gonna be a museum here

in here. There's going to be a museum here. It's funny, man. I had a Shane Jones effect with Louie where after the controversy, I was like,

I think I like this guy. He has an Indian in me. Akash never liked Louie. I love Louie jokes when someone else would tell me them. His ideas are always brilliant,

but then watching an hour of his comedy was my Ken Burns documentary. He put me to fucking sleep, yo. I can't finish. It was the first time where I felt that Louis might be for white people. Oh, the show, dog?

Because I fuck with Ron. Actually, I started- I never considered it. I was like, I just love this guy. This guy's hilarious. He's for white people, yo. But he might resonate. There's like an

angst in him that might just resonate more with us. I'm fat. I don't have hair. My kids are annoying. That's the 30 minutes of a Louis special. Did you like Louis? I fuck with Louis. Yeah, I fuck with Louis too. I don't think I like Louis. Louis wrote

fucking Pootie Tang. Of course I fucking love Louis C.K. Yeah, but do you watch, have you watched a full Louis C.K. special ever in your life? Yeah, you finished. I've watched all of them. I was a Louis C.K. fan. I went to a lot of shows. I went to the garden.

Wait, why'd you say was? No, I still am. I like Louis. I will say that. I saw Louis at the Cellar. This is during his comeback. Yeah. And it's the hardest I've laughed at a live comedy show that I can remember.

I mean, I wasn't doing the comic in the back that like does a stupid loud laugh so the comic on stage knows. I was laughing. I was laughing like this. I was laughing like hand in my face trying not to distract it was that fucking funny dude he's a funny motherfucker man he's hilarious like even the way he got canceled was as smart as him and a better performer and i fucking loved bill i love him but burr's funny i love him both he's funnier to me and i in my mind is not close and then a part of it was also every fucking Louis thing

he ever said some blogger would write a think piece about Louis changes the way we look at fat women. Yeah, there was like a I can't get mad

at the fucking reaction than that. No, that's not me. This is like a two or three year phase right before he got busted that he did start to get

like kind of it came off as pretentious and very like high art and all this shit that did like kind of fucking rub me the wrong way. Cause he was my favorite forever.

And there was like a three year period of like everything he said, like he was like, wow, this is crying. I should have done that. But you know what I mean? And then when he got in trouble or like all that came out, I was like,

no, he's the best ever. Even the way he got me to it is fucking hilarious. He didn't touch nobody. They were like, Even the way he got Me Too'd is fucking hilarious. He jerked it off on himself. He didn't touch nobody. They were like... That's a great way to... I jerked off on me. I mean, granted, yeah, I understand.

I can raise your tummy in my palm. We got to do a sketch where we just defend him. Listen. I'm so in, y'all. He got you the Oscar. I was thinking about what Weinstein was. Do you think he was like, oh, I thought these girls were into me.

When all these allegations came out, I was like, what the fuck? We were on a date. I thought I was just like, no, no. I thought I was a fucking pussy. No, that is a possibility. That's an amazing defense. I thought I was a fucking pussy. No. I didn't know they didn't like me. That is a possibility. That's an amazing defense.

Yeah, he was probably like, wait, I thought they liked me. They never liked me for me. Why can't they think I'm hot? So we're basically looking at him like, you disgusting troll. There's no way people could like you. You must have raped. You are too unattractive for consensual sex. That's what. I think a couple of the stories were pretty.

Like one of them was like, he followed this chick, this waitress back. And then he followed her into like a wine closet cellar. And he was like- Jerked off on a plant. Let's give me a head. And she was like, no. And he was like, you care if I just jerk off then? She was like, okay.

You want to know something crazy? I met her. Oh, really? Yes. What did she say? What was that like? What did she say? Did she address the wine scene? I met her pre. I met her. Oh, really? Yes. What did she say? What was that like? What did she say? Did she address the wine scene? I met her pre. I met her pre.

And I remember we were at the, it was at a Christmas party from my cousin. And I remember seeing her and immediately jerking off on the Christmas tree. So I think I really understand what wine scene, it's her bro. She elicited something inside of you two. I saw her and I glazed that

fucking tree immediately. No, no, but she's, all jokes aside, she's friends with Bill. You know, Bill Schultz, the guy who was on My Second Cousin, who was on Red Iron shit.

But yeah, they've been friends forever. And he told me, yeah, that was the fucking girl. She's like a news, she's like a broadcaster. She's on like Fox 11 or something in LA.

Yo, jerking off on a reporter is bold. No, no, on the tree. It's literally her job to tell people. Wait, what's your job title? Report? The pressure you got. I hope we don't remember this one.

I hope it shoots. Yeah, I mean, yeah, whatever. Don't ever go for it. I'm going to stop now. No, this is the place for it. We're in the same space. What do you have to lose, yo? Patrons?

True. Now, it's funny that him and Louis are in the same sentence all the time. Right. Harvey Weinstein and Louis. Because Louis did nothing for those girls. And then me. Oh, that. And then me. Louis did nothing for those girls. And then me. Oh, oh, that. And then me.

Louis did nothing for those girls at all. That's such a funny day. Those girls got way worse. I mean, in terms of career, like, Louis did absolutely jack shit for those girls. Oh, my God. Harvey did everything. Yeah, but I think Harvey was, like, fucking awesome.

Harvey's a hero for those girls. Harvey the hero. That's his nickname. I think Harvey was doing more than jerking off, though. He was getting wacky. He was getting wacky. He got a little rowdy. They got the roll.

They got the roll, though. They got the roll. That's very important. They got the roll. At the end of the day, he delivers the nuders. At the end of the day, there's nothing you can say about it now you're talking my language now i get your point you threw that in i understand what you're saying all right i'm gonna take a second um i need i need to talk to you guys about something i think

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Policy Genius. When it comes to home insurance, it's nice to get it right. Okay, back to the show. Hey, Ken, one funny Louis thing, you know, really won me back over on Louis, or won me over, is when he opened one of his shows after the scandal with, I like jerking off

and I don't like to be alone. I always hate to be alone, which is even shorter and better. And I hate being alone. So good. He's the best. What was your opening joke? Do you still do it? Do you still reference it when you go on stage? Yeah, I talk about it sometimes.

The first week after it happened, you're still going on stage. What was your opening joke? Can you say it or are you going to give it away? No, I can say it. I'm not doing it. They published it in the fucking USA Today. What was the opening line? They came to my show and recorded my sets.

The first fucking TMZ was there. I was walking into the club and they were like, Shay, Shay, Shay. I was like, what the fuck are you guys doing here? The first thing I said was I was like, I am sorry. Like, I didn't mean to offend anybody, but I want you guys to know I am reading all of my death threats in an Asian accent. So they are still funny. And then now I talk about how, like, I'll do shows, and I kind of got to address being racist if I'm doing shows I

gotta be like hey everybody I'm not racist yeah yeah and uh I always see like black audience members like fuck I mean and then I run into them after the show and they're like man what'd you do I'm like Asians and they're always like Asians? They got you on Asians? They got me on Asians. That's fucking hilarious. The Jews, blacks, and gays will get you out of here quick. The Asians is... Did you actually want to be on SNL? Was it a dream?

When I was young, yes. When I got into stand-up, no. Because I i mean you look at snl it's like that's not me i'll never be on that who are they casting what are they doing it's not me at all right uh and then as soon as like so they they my agents asked me do you want to do snl and i was like. Then SNL sent me a packet. I didn't even do it. A packet? A writing packet. Oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah. A writer's packet. It's just like here, write like five, six sketches. You also, I talked to a guy who wrote on SNL and he was like,

if you don't know, I'm not gonna say his name because I don't want to make him look bad. He's like, if you don't know the fucking people involved, that packet does nothing. Right. But just describe what a packet is.

So a packet is essentially, you write out these sketches and it's like homework it's like an essay essentially write us 10 sketches create three characters and then submit everything they're basically seeing what you can offer yeah write a couple sketches and there's you yeah and then uh i said i just didn't do it they sent it to me i just didn't fill it out and then uh then finally they saw me perform a couple times at like jfl and clusterfest and all that shit and they were like we just we want you to audition so i was like yeah i'll fucking do that so you go in and audition on like the main stage at snl which is like it's dude as soon as i did that i was like i want this shit so bad like as

soon as you see snl it's like fuck right this is fucking awesome and then uh yeah i mean once it started i knew i got it too i knew i got it what do you mean like you walked out of the audition saying i killed that shit well that night i ran into che and he was like yeah because i was like damn i felt nervous because my fucking hand was shaking with the mic what did you do back up back up you show up to the audition how many people are there

the whole studio is empty except for a table of like writers and now how many comics are there for the audition um

I would say six the rest are like improv and shit like that okay so six comics are there. Total.

Yeah. Now they have already done a bunch of preliminary auditions. This is the final audition. And so you're at the final. You went right. You skipped a line. I went straight to the testing. Okay.

Straight to the testing. You go out. You do stand up in front of them. Yeah. Now, a lot of people don't realize this, but doing stand up in front of six people. In a big empty studio. it fucks up your timing because you're not used to laughs not lasting that long or silence at a certain punch line etc so it can really fuck up your delivery do you stutter do you forget lines did did it fuck

anything up um it was definitely like it was funny because you're supposed to perform as if they're not there you're supposed to perform as if the're not there. You're supposed to perform as if the studio is there, and there's just a fucking camera right in front of you and a camera on the side. And you're not getting any laughs. And a guy holding a fucking boom above you. So you're just standing there, and you've got to pretend the studio's there. And I was like, I can feel my fucking hands shaking because of the adrenaline and shit,

which hasn't happened since I started. Yeah. There was that. Also, you don't see the stage until you walk in so they keep everybody auditioning outside in green rooms and shit and then until you're on stage is the only time you see it you walk in the room and it's like oh there it is and that's the first time you see lord michaels and everybody's sitting there and it's like holy fuck it's real uh and then uh yeah so so when the table

would laugh i was like looking pretending there was an audience and then the table would laugh and i'd be like go back to telling jokes uh but i was also told that they never laughed and they laughed throughout my set so i was like so you felt confident that's pretty good and then i ran into michael che later and he was like that was really good and i was like my fucking hand was shaking he was like you were the most comfortable one by far and that helped me a lot because i didn't care about getting it right so the whole time i was just like i don't give a fuck and all these other like these improv kids from like second city in chicago were like crying yeah i. Because they can't do anything else. I was like, I'm never going to get it.

It has to be SNL. Maybe they get into acting, but that's almost even more difficult. We have stand-up. We can go tour. We can do shows. We can make a living. There's other options for us, but they don't.

So you go, you do it. Che's like, I think you got it. Che, I ran into him at Bird Luger. Okay. That night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he was like, you were the funniest one. Shots of Kev Luger. Okay. That night. Yeah. And he was like, you were the funniest one,

man. He was like, uh, you were the funniest one, but that means you probably didn't get it. Like he was just, he was making fun of me. And,

uh, so I was like, I think I fucking got it. I think I got it. And then you go, you get callbacks to go meet everybody. If you, if you get a callback,

you go in and meet all the producers and writers and shit yeah and it was me and three other kids that they were all improv and they first off were sitting there waiting because after you meet everybody you sit in lauren's office and wait for like two hours it's like this intentional the whole thing's intentional to fuck you up yeah and make you like nervous they try to make you nervous like before the audition to see who can handle it you wait for like five hours. Which is funny. But they should, right? It's like, we need to see who has the brass balls.

Yeah, I mean, this is going to be on live TV. We want to see if you don't freak out. You're going to be next to Leonardo DiCaprio on live TV. So if you can't handle an audition with five people in an empty room, you're fucked. Okay, so you're in that situation. So anyway, we're waiting for Lauren to come in and talk to us one by one and they're like these three improv kids are sitting there like talking about how they didn't like chapelle's special and i was just like well we're not going to get along because

that was that was a really good special you're crazy yeah and they're like well it's just like it's so backwards what he's saying it's just like you guys are out of control but anyway he brings them in one at a time. One kid he just sent home. One kid he didn't even meet. And that was tough to watch. That's fucking... They were like, no, you're good. You can head out.

He sends out like an assistant. What did he do? Did he like make Asian jokes on a podcast? No, that would have got him in the room. Do you think that kid was like, what the fuck? I guarantee you all of them. Everybody I auditioned with was like what the fuck oh i guarantee you all everybody i auditioned with was like fuck him yeah somebody wrote a fucking article that interviewed one of them and what is that somebody that auditioned with me that was like kind of shitting on me a little bit really

it's like well you didn't get it of course that's why i shouldn't yeah um so then i go in and so then he he interviews the other two sends one of them home and then I stay by myself for another hour and I was like alright I definitely fucking got it

if they're singling me out and making me wait it's like fuck this is crazy go in and talk to him Lorne Michaels is the fucking man he is the fucking man really

he is the fucking man why what is it I don't know he's just he's a fucking guy funny charismatic he's funny I mean obviously he's is it uh i don't know he's just he's a fucking guy funny charismatic i mean obviously he's charismatic i mean i don't know him i you know but he is he is he's just cool he's just an old cool guy and he like i would call him throughout the whole process and we'd

both be like oh fuck this is crazy he'd be like this is crazy yeah like he was i don't know he was very nice i don't think it was up to him. What do you say about the conspiracy theorists who are like, who say things like, they knew that he had, like they must've done background checks. They knew that he had said this and they thought it would just be great PR for the show. Well, it was horrible PR. It was. Yeah. And also I know it was wrong.

When I got there, they were were like did they vet you like mbc had publicists call me the day before the day before they made the decision like two days before it got announced so there was almost no time to vet me like that okay they also were like they only checked twitter instagram and facebook they're not checking podcasts right because who wants to who the fuck has a podcast nobody's gonna listen to a thousand hours even though like i said four minutes in you would have got me yeah uh so they were like yeah we checked your social media and everything i don't post jokes on social media right like i don't have twitter jokes or anything like that i have almost no stand-up online i had nothing i had nothing

online right so they were like, yeah, you'll, you'll be fine. And I was like, you sure you guys fucking checked everything. And they were like, why? I was like, well,

I have a podcast where I say like retard. You told them gay. And they were like, no, that's fine. Yeah. Interesting. So you suggested it to them.

I did, but I, well, I just knew I never said the N word. So I was like, I'm fine. I'm fine. That's what the N-word, so I was like, I'm fine. You'll be fine. I'm fine. That's what I thought, too.

Yeah, I was like, I have no N-words on the record. Or the F-word. On the record. Before the taping. And then, yeah, I was on the fucking, I got the call from Lorne that was like, you got the job, you're going to go straight to cast, which I was like, whoa Lauren that was like you got the job you're gonna go straight to cast which I was like

whoa that's crazy cause I thought oh so you could've been auditioning just to write you didn't even know what you were auditioning for no almost everybody

goes to writing first for a year to watch the show and be around the show to figure out how it works I was going straight to cast whoa yeah he really wanted

to use me for cause they don't have anybody like me on the show right they don't have a fucking me on the show. Right. They don't have a fucking guy that could go on stage and be like, Trump fucking rules. Right, right, right. And that's what they need for the election coming up.

Because right now it's just Democrats jerking off. Do you think if they had you right for a year, nobody would have cared? I think that guy would have posted that, but they wouldn't have fired me. It wouldn't have been a news story. But the fact that it's like, this kid is be on the show he's gonna be there weekly yeah all of a sudden it's but the guy who did it has like the weirdest obsession with snl he like

always goes after michael che yeah always goes after lauren michaels like this guy is obsessed with the show yeah so he would have got me right away writing. But nobody would have cared. I don't think. Yeah, I don't think. I mean, none of us can name a writer on the show that's just a writer. I mean, I can now, but yes. Yeah, but the general public is not going,

oh my God, get that writer off. I think the general public thinks that the actors on the show write all the sketches. They wouldn't have announced me. They wouldn't have even announced me. Does it make you think this was meant to be this way? What do you on the show, write all the sketches. They wouldn't have announced me. They wouldn't have even announced me. Right. Does it make you think this was meant to be this way? What do you mean?

The timing of this whole thing. You get this cast, this part, so close to the election that Lauren is like, I mean, obviously you're funny, not to take anything away from you.

Put him straight on the show. We can't fuck around making him a writer here. We can use him right away. If you were a writer, you're fine. You're still on SNL. You're still making money.

You get on the show in a year. You're good. Yeah. It all kind of had to happen this way, it feels like. How so? Like, for what to take? What do you mean? I mean, whatever's going to happen. I think, right now, you told me your Patreon is doing very well, so that's... Oh, you mean with my life? Yeah, and the story

of your life, yeah. Oh, yeah. It just had to happen this way. It was supposed to happen this way. Yeah, I don't know know I would be a fucking intolerable dickhead if I got it if I was like if I was like yeah fuck

I wouldn't be here yeah yeah you guys can call my fucking agents try to set something up so you needed the humble this is why I couldn't get Pete on this show

well I mean I was yes I mean it helps to be humble but it helps with comedy I've always only wanted to do stand-up. Right. And I mean, the podcast I love, but that's it.

I was watching you, and I don't want to give away your bit, but I was watching you the other night, and it was the first time that I really felt bad about the situation. I felt bad, but I knew you were going to be fine. And from when we were speaking, I could tell that you were like a, what I mean by a real standup, meaning like someone who wouldn't give standup up once they got success outside of standup. Right. So I was like, he's going to be all right. And he'll, if he's smart, he'll learn how to flip this and like turn this and kind of use this.

But, uh, you were telling, you were doing the joke about your sister being a heroin addict and having like a kid and a crack addict and your dad being an alcoholic. And I was like like holy shit like he was about to like switch like generational problems with this show and then it was take it like i think the way it was spun is that you were just like some like rich pennsylvania like trump guy that lost an opportunity you're not like one of these Harvard SNL guys. No. You're the complete opposite of the whites on SNL. Right?

Yes. And here was the opportunity to change everything. This is the dramatic story I saw myself in my head. Here's this opportunity to change everything and fucking take it away, man. Take it away. No. I was like, oof. The thing is, yeah, other opportunities.

I mean, you're going to be fine. Everything will be fine. I'm not like. Your family, no, but you're going to be fine. They're stuck. They were always stuck in the fucking mud. No, they're fine. They're fucking. You know, my sister's got cancer and all that.

But everything's great. I just went home. My grandma died. My grandma died last week. My sister's going through chemo. I just went home. My grandma died. My grandma died last week. My sister's going through chemo. Doesn't have hair. It's fun. It's fun to be around.

Same sister? Heroin sister? Or a different sister? No. Same sister, yeah. Damn. Guys. I shouldn't have said it.

Said what? Neuters? Neuters. You know. I could have helped pay for my sister's medical bills. Or I could have got some health insurance. I think our blogger from Brooklyn was right. I should quit.

He's from Brooklyn? I think so. I thought he was in LA. If he's here. He might live there now. We're trying to beat up comedy writers. Comedy bloggers, my fault, not comedy writers. If he lives in Brooklyn, I mean...

It's a brave place to live. It's a brave place to live. It's a brave place to live. You're safe in bitch-ass Brooklyn. He's not in black Brooklyn. Ah, yes, yes, yes. He's in vegan Brooklyn. Where they moved all the black people out and then complained about what racist people say.

He knows who to pick on, though. He's not going to talk about any of the hood rooms, for sure. And you can hear tons of racist jokes over there, but not going to talk about any of the hood rooms, for sure. And you can hear definitely. You can hear tons of racist jokes over there, but he's not talking about any of the hood comedy rooms. You will not live in Brooklyn talking about those dudes. They operate differently. You ain't saying nothing about Brooklyn Mike. You're not saying nothing about Brooklyn Mike.

You're not saying nothing about Smokey. You're not saying anything about any of these dudes. You're not going at Capone. Nuh-uh. They will handle it differently. I didn't even ever talk shit on him. Yeah. I was just like, that's acceptable. Oh, no, fuck those guys. Yeah, I just don't care.

I've always said this. I'm not the comic in the room, but I've always said just somebody who took in culture, history will not look fondly on these type of people who are on censorship, motherfuckers. We always remember the people who like broke those

rules and like took those risks and all this nobody remembers like hey remember that guy that wrote that article about the soccer mom burning m&m's you are the guys who want to throw lenny bruce in jail you are all those people oh we slapped the parental parental advisory stick on uncle luke's album we celebrate that shit yeah nobody talks about fucking oh remember when tipper gore was trying to her and it didn't fucking happen? Nobody gives a fuck. So, I mean, you'll be fine.

That reminds me though, I do want it publicly known that I think saying I push boundaries was corny. I am ashamed of that. In your apology? In the apology letter.

I'm a comedian who pushes boundaries. That sucked. That did suck. I had five minutes to write that apology. Did you know you were getting fired when you wrote the apology? I knew I was getting fired the whole time. So was there a part of you that was like, fuck the apology?

Well, that kind of was the apology. I said, anybody actually offended, I'm sorry. I don't think anybody was actually offended. No. In the apology, I've been getting criticized for a non-apology because it was a non-apology because it was a non-apology that was not an apology so i would say if that's the ride you're gonna go is there a party it's like fuck fuck a like thinly veiled non-apology it's like yo if you're offended

that's kind of on you you didn't listen to the podcast that's your decision you can feel that way but it wasn't that well here's the thing the thing. So that night, when this whole thing broke, I was on my way to do a show. I got a call from my agent that was like, did you say let the fucking chinks live in Chinatown? And I was like, no. I would never fucking, that's crazy. I would never say that.

And then I listened to the clip and I was like, oh, I was using like an old timey voice. I was like, man, let the fucking chinks live there. I was like, that's how I said it I wouldn't say it that wouldn't be a real thought you were making fun

of the character that would say that yeah but so then I listened and I was like oh fuck so then the whole thing

happened 100% believable with your face I know and your name Shane ain't helping Shane a country ass name I really think

that's it you just got a racist ass face I had a fucking I had chewing tobacco in my mouth yeah it wasn't good oh yeah you as white as it gets lips this whole podcast that's how How's that type of black dude not rob you? How's that type? You look like the robbing type. No, you don't want to rob these guys, bro. He's a big dude.

Yeah. Big dude. Shane dips. His face is real soft features around the face. He's the guy that comes back with like firemen. I'll be gone. Farmers, yo. Farmers.

Different. No, different. Coming back. There's different whites. You want to rob like the Harvard whites. You want to rob, yeah. You want to rob like private school whites. The to rob Yeah You want to rob Like private school whites The kid who wrote

The article about him Those are the guys That get robbed No you beat those guys up Those guys get punched In the face They got daddy's money yo I'd be very robbable

Yeah I would have put up a fight All you would get Is like ten bucks And a can of Skull Hey It's about the principal A flip phone

But no I got to the All the shit broke out Fuck I forgot What I was talking about it's about the principal a flip phone but no I got to the all this shit broke out fuck I forgot what I was talking about it's a call from your agent oh yeah so then

so then NBC calls and is like we need an apology right now or you're fucked we need an apology that's like

this is inexcusable what I said and racism is never acceptable like all this shit and i was like i didn't realize i was on the phone with them also it was in a it was in a group text where it was like this is inexcusable and i was like but i fucking i i have an excuse i was trying to be funny and they were like what i didn't know they were on the line also i thought i was just talking to my agent i was like tell him to shut the fuck up I have an excuse and they were like what

and I was like well alright your agent didn't tell you it was just a phone call no I didn't know that's the first thing you say it's a fucking episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm when you're on speakerphone

you say you're on speakerphone if you're on a conference call motherfuckers are about to fire you you say hey I got SNL on the line no it's the NBC public who's this agent yo it was 90 phone calls.

It was chaos, bro. It's a lot. It's a lot. I can see. I can see. It was 9-11. That's valid. Do you have a new agent?

It was 9-11. No, I don't have an agent. Do you book and all this stuff by yourself? I have management. Ah, your management. Yes. Your management did not leave you. Management did not.

Shouts to your management. Who's your management? AGI. Shout out AGI. Oh, shouts to AGI. Yo, you with Becky? Yeah. Becky's my girl, yo. Becky Aspen. Love you, Bex. Oh, that's what's up. You're with Becky. I out AGI. Oh, shout out to AGI. Yo, you with Becky? Yeah. Becky's my girl, yo.

Becky Aspen. Love you, Becky. Oh, that's what's up. You're with Becky. I was with Becky. I shouldn't have left, clearly. Things worked out. Loyalty.

Love to see it. So yeah, NBC's calling and saying, you need to apologize. Then I'm talking to other people that are like, you can't apologize. Like, I was like, I can't apologize. Yeah. I cannot apologize. Like I was like, I can't apologize. Yeah. I cannot apologize. And then Lorne,

NBC calls me and is like, you either apologize now or you're fired. Maybe NBC is not the right platform. And I was like, maybe it's not, but let me talk to Lorne before this, before anything goes forward. So then I talked to him and he's like,

again, he's the man. And he's like, no, don't fucking apologize. Like, just give me something in the next five minutes so I can keep this alive for another day. Right.

So he was trying for you. Yeah, he was. So then that night I wrote that, where it was like, I push boundaries, like all that. I didn't mind that. I had five fucking minutes. I didn't want you to do it.

But I understand why. If Lorne Michaels is saying, I'm going to fight for you for a day, let me try, just give me something. Out of respect, you got to do it. You do it.

Yeah. Out of respect, you have to do it. I mean, I was literally, there was a lady from NBC screaming. Yeah. She's like,

why are you throwing this away? All you have to do is apologize. And I was like, I can't. Yeah. Yeah. But if Lorne asks, it's different. And I really, yeah, I was like I can't yeah yeah but if Lauren asks it's different

cause he's putting his yeah I like him and he yeah he's putting his shit on the line too yeah and if I you know

if I come out and he obviously believed in you like putting putting you straight to cast and all that shit like he obviously

believed in you a lot so yeah what do you want to do next eh Saturday night lot no visit the great wall of China man man TV actually the living colors

coming back I want to I just want to keep doing stand up I want to you know put out a special in like a year and that's it

just keep doing stand up keep doing the podcast podcast doing well podcast is doing well Matt and Shane secret podcast did Matt get any shit because Matt was saying shit was way more wild yeah yeah Matt was is doing well podcast is doing thank you secret podcast did matt get any because

matt was saying was way more wild yeah yeah matt was matt's in college he's studying right now so he got like his school was like how old are you we kick him out i'm 31. how old is he he's getting his masters he's 32. okay okay yeah i was gonna say you a weirdo yo actually yes i have a podcast with a 17 year old like whoa all right yeah okay sorry so what were you saying that's all he just got in trouble with his school like he had they had like because colleges now are fucking insane so when he got in trouble and they all recognized him in that they were like we need to expel him wow for hate speech and uh yeah he went through this whole thing yeah he's still going through it she's still going through it where he has to like meet with the dean and shit it's fucking nuts i know exactly what it's like i've

been shadow banned on instagram for three months so really same to same you know same same to same same um guys we're gonna take a break for a second and pay some bills. Okay? This episode is sponsored by Blue Chew, baby. Guys, remember the days when you were always ready to go? Now you can increase your performance, get that extra confidence in bed with Blue Chew. Blue Chew brings you the first chewable with the same FDA-approved active ingredients as Viagra and Cialis. Only it works twice as fast because when you have to get it up and you have to get it going, you don't have an hour to wait for that pill to kick in. You don't have 45 minutes.

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dot com. Promo code flagrant. You gotta try it for free. Blue Chew. Better. Cheaper. Faster. Choice. Church announcements real quick. Matador Tour continues. We're gonna be in Vancouver

this weekend and Edmonton. Okay? I think Edmonton, again we're recording this a week early, but I think there might be a few tickets left. Go get them real quick. TheAndrewSchultz.com. Vancouver's up there. We've added shows. Minnesota we added to the tour. We also

got New Orleans that we added to the tour. More shows coming as well. TheAndrewSchultz.com. Go get them shits. We are coming to your city. Go to my website, and I bet you it will be there or at least somewhere close. So drive that ass to the show. Thank you all so much.

Akash, what you all got? December 20th and 21st, you know what it is. Big Desi Energy is coming to India. We're going home. We're going to be in Mumbai at Habitat Comedy Club. Come through January 9th. I am at Hilarities in Cleveland be there

January 14th Stress Factory in New Brunswick Schultz he gonna be there Ed and I gonna be filming we gonna make Kaz come he lives in Jersey I'll be there

January 15th I'm at Helium in Philadelphia January 28th I'm at Tacoma Comedy Club in Washington January 29th I'm at the Punchline

in Sacramento January 30th through February 1st I am at Rooster Teeth Feathers. That'll do it. Two announcements. Obviously, Ducey Palooza, December 13th, Brooklyn, New York. Tickets are flying.

Got Cameron, Jim Jones, The Lox, Fabulous, Partisan, Fontaine, Afro B, Fivio Foreign, Swiss Beads vs. Just Blaze, Massive B, Where's Nasty, Austin Mills, and DJ First Choice. Get your tickets at DuceyPalooza.com. And if you guys listen to Pandora, Where's Nasty, Austin Mills, and DJ First Choice. Get your tickets at doosaypalooza.com slash tickets. And if you guys listen to Pandora, I do a great, I put together a great project with the guys at Uninterrupted hosting an athlete playlist session for SiriusXM and Pandora. I did interviews and conducted these playlists with LeBron James, Odell Beckham, Lonzo Ball, Rob Gronkowski, LeBron James, Odell Beckham, Lonzo Ball, Rob Gronkowski,

Angel McCartrey, Dion Waiters, Lexi Brown, Mo Bamba, Draymond Green, Nate Burrowson, Sinead Ogumike, and Adam Rippon. You can get those at Pandora.com. Download the app. You'll get a free premium trial as soon as you get it. And we're back. Shane. What's up? Thank you for coming on, man man i'm glad we actually got to do this i'm glad that you're doing podcasts i know it's a minute before you got i saw you on legion of skanks i think that

was when i realized okay he's out there he's talking yeah man he's talking to the folks yeah i wanted to take a minute because also like i didn't want to do serious conversations because it's it's kind of fucking embarrassing especially like like they like c I wanted to take a minute because also I didn't want to do serious conversations because it's kind of fucking embarrassing, especially like CNN wanted to talk, fucking Andrew Yang wanted to sit down and talk. I remember you saying that Yang wanted to talk. Yeah. And then whatever happened to that? Because I thought that – I told you to be careful with that one.

Yeah, I didn't. It seemed like a setup. It could be a setup. No, it wasn't. He's still getting shit for it because he publicly was like, Shane should keep his job. Yeah. He knows what he's doing. He's trying to tap into the-

I mean, he also works for SNL, so it's like the same thing. He's the newest cast member. You know what I mean? But he- But he was using it as, not using it, but yes, he's using it.

He's using it as an opportunity to appeal to those people that are a little disillusioned by Trump, but they don't like the Elizabeth Warrens or these kind of like baddie, super left wing. Yes. But I think he also feels that way about like cancel culture and shit.

Yeah. Genuinely is like, we need to cut this shit out. We have bigger, a lot of people have been like climate change. Yeah. Way more important shit. I don't even,

I mean, we can discuss there. Here's my thing about all this climate change shit. Is that like it's december human beings we don't solve problems that are in the future we're really good at solving problems they just have to be happening now we need urgency urgency that's how we survive we're all about urgency right so once the climate change actually hits some places we give a fuck about we don't care about nineveh in the top of canada right we don't care about the south pole yeah once it actually

hits jersey once it hits la if it hits malibu well if we get another hurricane then we gotta we gotta do something not if it hits not if it hits jerk if we had that tropical storm like fuck this up and I was just like, eh. Yo, people were at the shore the next summer, dude. It didn't stop the reality show,

let alone New Jersey. It fucked up like the R train deep in Brooklyn. Come on, yo. We never cared about that. Come on, yo. We don't care about Canarsie. Exactly.

If it doesn't go there, it doesn't go there. So the point is, it's true. So the point is, once it actually affects us, I guarantee we'll find a way to throw some shit in the sky, cool things

down, heat things up, whatever we need to do. Deadass? I promise you we will solve it. Send a bunch of oil drillers up to the moon. Simple as that. I have 100% confidence whenever there's a real... That's the problem. That's the thing with Elon Musk is this motherfucker's trying to solve problems that aren't here yet. Like the electric car,

you're like, well, eventually we're going to run out of oil. Well, until then, vroom, vroom, do it. I mean, like it's not,

hold up, hold on. Hold on. Now we test. Yo, yeah, you got it. Yo,

yo, we are Tesla owners, bro. You got the new Tesla, dude. Yeah, of course, bro.

You got it. Yo, just buy it right now. $100. Refundable. $100. Yes saw your truck look fire. $100 deposit. You got to put $100 on it, dog. Refundable. $100 deposit. $100. Yes.

Really? That's it? Yeah. Everybody buy Teslas right now. Just get me a Tesla again. Alex, get a second car, dude. That truck is fire to me. $100 for a new truck.

And that puts you what? On the waiting list? There's no waiting list. It's yours, but if you want that money back, get that money back. Wait, wait. The Tesla truck costs $100. No. You just put $100 down to flex on the gram.

Okay. All right. Okay, so you do it. I did it. I did it. I'm down. Let's get up on this. Let's go.

Let's order these Teslas. I want the Tesla gang. Listen, but we're only doing it because it looks dope. Okay? We're not doing it to save the environment or because some Swedish fucking twat said it. Some Swedish fucking twat said it. I think it looks amazing. Okay?

This bitch is fucking sailing around the world. Have you heard of it? Have you seen this? She's taken a catamaran around the whole world. She took a catamaran to Portugal to complain about climate shit. Son, I thought a catamaran was an instrument that white people played. I did not know that shit is a boat. First of all, white people don't play instruments.

Asians do. Okay? Second of all. What people don't play instruments. Asians do. Okay? Second of all. What do you mean, Asians? Fuck you. Bro, they are nice with the violin. No. Don't say it.

Violin, Mandarin, whatever. They love the Mandarin so much they named the language after it. And an orange. Look, I hate the Star Wars shit. No. No. Mandal. The Mandalorian. That's just an Asian trying to learn English. Mandalorian.

So, yeah, I just don't, I think, I think that Louis really hit on something with the, with the Parkland kids

that he made a great point that everybody wasn't ready for yet, which is like, why are we listening to kids? And we don't need to listen to kids about literally anything. Not about the environment. Not about guns. Not about none of that shit. Like if kids say anything except that someone's fucking molesting them, we don't need to listen to them. That's the only thing we should listen to kids about ever. I'm being molested and then we go, okay.

It is true. You don't know anything, most kids. There's like 1% geniuses out there, like 0.1% geniuses out there. The rest of you don't know anything. I think she's retarded or like she's something, right? She has something. What is she doing in the ocean though?

Is she cleaning up the plastic or is the bitch just moving? Bro, because she doesn't want to use gas. so she's taking a catamaran but well it's supposed to be a symbolic gesture like she's supposed to be like it's almost like fucking like forrest gump running around the world where it's like oh look at this the the triumph of the human spirit we can all be like this why people got the oddest ways to raise fun like to raise awareness and funds. Like, hey, let's have a $2,000 a plate dinner to save black people. Let's dump ice water on ourselves.

Yeah, let's put ice water on ourselves. It's such an odd fucking... We're fucking trying. What are you guys doing? We're not pretending to give a fuck, which is much better. We don't give a fuck about black people. Real talk, white people are not the ones

ruining the environment. That's what I'm saying. Wait, wait, wait. Time out. It's Asians, bro. He's correct about talk, white people are not the ones ruining the environment. That's what I'm saying. Wait, wait, wait, time out. It's Asians,

bro. He's correct about this, but I'm not going to speak on it. Do you use that much gas

to make neuters? What's going on? it does. Bro. For six billion people,

it does. There's literally no ozone there. There's no ozone there. There's no ozone there.

Because of neuters. Dude, it's something about it, bro. It's something about it. Because I'm neutered. It's something about it, bro. It's something about it. Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. But real talk.

Black people didn't build those fucking Simpsons nuclear towers. No, I don't think Africa's fucked up with the environment yet. No, the nuclear towers are not hurting us. No. No, nuclear tower's good. Yeah. As long as there's no Chernobyl. It's coal and fossil fuel. It's inside.

We're talking China's fucking shit up. India's probably fucking shit up. Sam, we don't give a fuck about the environment, yo. up India's probably fucking shit up we don't give a fuck about the environment everyone's going back to Africa we don't give a fuck I'm aware of this but the Asians

actually don't give a fuck more than you guys okay because they're industrialized they're close are they close India and India and

China China India's really fucked up when you go to India really I'm going to try to take you to some point soon you're going to be like

oh this fucking, it's smog everywhere, son. There's not a lot of fresh air. Bro, you got to be, you got to be catching up. You could come back an environmentalist. Every time I go back to India,

I'll be quiet about it because I don't want to be annoying, but every time I come back, like, yo, we got to recycle. So here's my question. Recycler. Recycler. We got to recycle?

We got to recycle? So here's my question. doesn't the swedish girl float her ass to china or india and tell them to do it if we're doing it right why is she telling us aren't we doing it right over here i'm being i'm not trying to joke around at all why or clean up the plastic along the way yo like do something don't just sail huh you in the ocean it's mad plastic in the ocean clean that up no i think the whales eat all the plastic that's another thing about the whales eating the plastic it cleans it up they don't have to live forever they're recycling that's the recycling whales bro what do they do they do nothing they suck you know what they do they do? They do nothing. They suck. You know what they do?

They do that sonar shit which has got to annoy the fuck out of all the other animals. Imagine you're just trying to swim around peacefully and then you have this... Are you talking about black people right now? Jesus. Those are the black people. I don't like the first two slabs.

Just kill it. If I kill it, he said kill it. He said it. I couldn't first two slides. Just kill him. You're like, we're just going to go outside. Kill him. Kill him. He said kill him. No, he said it. He said it. He sucked you in, bro. He sucked you in. I love the first two slides.

I'm like, damn, I got to take him outside. You ain't never tried, kid. Yo, but real talk, you haven't seen them gangs

of killer whales rolling around throwing up fucking signs with their dorsal fin and shit? Big truss. Big truss? Big truss. That swo their dorsal fin and shit. Like Big Truss? Yo, bitch, Big Truss with that swooped dorsal fin. That Tilikum?

That Tilikum, bro. Real talk, man. Tilikum, Tilikum, Tilikum. That shit is a yammy game. Dude, it is a mad... Is Seventh Cavalry whales? You're really on the Watchmen, huh? Watchmen's about shit, bro.

Watchmen, I ain't bad. I'm trying to get into it. That's a lot. That's a lot to think of. Point being, there's places where she could go that would be more effective. Why isn't she going there?

Because she don't really care. People don't really care. It's a marketing ploy. That's what they do now. They take kids. They make kids do all the arguments for them because you can't tell kids to shut up. So the gun control,

they're like, we got to get rid of guns. And then we're like, shut the fuck up. And then they go, alright, you kids that got shot up, say, get rid of guns. We're like, oh, we'll listen to you. They basically did. Shut the fuck up. Say what? They basically did tell them shut the fuck up. Which ones? They never told the kids. Like with gun control?

Louis did. Come on. They've like, they had like, what's the one girl? The bald chick that was like doing all the fucking speeches and shit. Yeah, I remember her. Yeah, like they haven't changed shit. There was one kid. So Alex and I did a fashion video in Boston where we shot Jack.

Jack Burke shot to Jack. Where we shot him with these fake guns at the end. And one of the Parkland kids followed me and liked it. And he was like fashion the Kyle Kushe that kid likes me too that was in Parkland that nobody talks about

literally the end of the video is us shooting him as he runs away and the kid was like fashion that kid I forget his name Kyle Kushe he's out at the White House now. Yeah. He's like, you know what would have helped us at Parkland?

Guns. That kid rules. Has anybody asked them how to survive a school shooting? They would know. Now you want to listen to him. I would like, how did you make it? What did you do to listen to him I I would I would like how did you make it what did you do different

that's what I would know you saw it happen what did you do you didn't go put down your weapons right it was like there was

what did you do to keep yourself safe did you just get lucky he didn't enter your room what happened was Parkland the one where there was a security guard that didn't go in

yes he was out dude I also I would have talked to him, too. Give him some credit for sitting out back and being like, nope.

No, but I think they arrested him, right? Yeah, you got fucked. You got fucking arrested for that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's your one job. Yeah, one job.

You have one job in case there's a school shooting, you go in there. You could end this right now and he's like, yo, I don't know about that. Security guard sitting in a golf cart out back.

He's like, is everyone safe? Y'all are good? Everybody. He shots. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. I got to get in there. Or I don't.

Or, you know, or you just roll the dice on this. Just not going. Just hear me out. Just hear me out, guys. Hear me out, guys. What if I just don't go? Maybe you'll get tired. I'm a security perimeter. I'm securing the perimeter.

I'm securing the perimeter. Make sure none of them... Oh, my God. There's not any more of them coming in. I don't get paid for interior securing. I mean, how much do you think he was getting paid? Honestly, that's what I'm saying. I'm like, yo, all right, you lost a job.

40 grand? What were you really making? Son, you ain't getting nothing, but it's just the one fucking... I know, I know. It's all you got. Look, I'm not actually defending the guy. making? Son, you ain't getting nothing, but it's just the one fucking requirement. I know, I know. Look, I'm not actually defending the guy. I mean, it's like a teacher. He heard the first shot.

He was like, no. No. Yes, I know. No. Not today. I said it. Da-da-da-da-da. Fuck.

Did I even bring the bullets today? He wasn't even prepared. Dude, he must have been bragging all his friends. Like, yo, I have the easiest job in the world. Dude, there's no chance. Who shoots up a school? There's no chance. There's like two a year. You know how many fucking schools there are?

Never gonna be mine. Pop, pop, pop. He's just sitting in a golf cart. CSNL, these are the sketches you missed. Okay? You could have had these. He could have been the security guard. Oh my god. You'd have been the security guard. True. Oh my God.

Yo, you'd have been sick after a while. You'd have been like, yo, all I'm playing is racist. What the fuck? Yeah. Even if there was no scandal. Every time I got

a dip in my mouth in a scene, it started to get a little crazy. True. That would have made you look like a fucking idiot in every sketch. Bro, they would have

made you White Coon. Yeah. Well said. Snow Coon. Perhaps. Snow they would have made you White Coon. Yeah. Well said. Snow Coon. Perhaps. Snow Coon. Can't Snow Coon, bro. Snow Coon Schulte is still my favorite nickname.

Best thing anybody has ever called me. They call me Snow Coon. That's pretty great. That's pretty great. I had it on my Instagram handle for a while. Snow Coon Schulte is so good. Some guy on Twitter. Is that guy rules?

Dude, he's hilarious. It's the most funny thing. And he like sent a picture of a raccoon in the snow. It was a whole gif and everything with it. And I was like, it's amazing. I put it on my Instagram. And MTV or IFC. I bet he stopped hating you after that.

Some network was like, you can't have the word coon in your Instagram. I was like, all right. Good boy. I'm going to play it again. I'll get it out. Gentlemen. Akash, what do we got for today? We haven't even talked about anything. Well, since we are recording this episode early,

Schultz is going to be out of town next week. I'm going to be in India for the next two weeks doing engagement stuff and shows. So we did like evergreen stuff was the idea. Yes. So the ones I like, I like the greatest sports what ifs. We could do flagrant hypotheticals. Did we all do our flagrant thoughts?

Bro, there's, no, I don't think so just yet, but there was one that you said that was so funny. What the fuck was it? The most embarrassing rejection story from a girl? Yes. Yeah. And ugliest girl you're still weirdly attracted to. I love historical crime family that you want to be,

but most embarrassing rejection you've ever had with a girl. I think that is, I think that is, have you ever gotten rejected by a girl, Shane? Yeah. Yeah. Most,

uh, yeah. What most embarrassing, I don't know if there's a particular, I can't, I mean, I just thought it off the top of my head. No.

Oh, yeah. I got it. About sixth grade. Taking it back. Sixth grade. Now, I know you're thinking like, yeah, it's not going to be... It is. It's not like a modern thing.

Sixth grade, I was obsessed with this girl. Yeah. And for some reason, like sixth grade, I loved God. That was the only time in my life. For like one year, I was obsessed with this girl yeah and for some reason like sixth grade I loved God that was the only time in my life for like one year I was like

super religious I was like Catholicism rules and I fucking wrote her usually around the time that boys like Catholicism yeah yeah

I wrote a somehow they lose it right around then yeah once I started coming I was like get God out of here fuck this I thought it was once the day started coming yeah I was like, get God out of here. Fuck this. I thought it was once the day started coming.

Yeah. I was about to say, I don't know if it was you. And we all came. A lot of you don't know this, but the kids come too. They're passionate. They're passionate lovers. Yeah. I wanted to be on the record.

The kids, there is a G spot in there. They can hit you. They can hit the back priest gets you oh i wrote a fucking love letter to this chick, like a note, like if you want to start dating, and I included a Bible verse at the end of it. Which one? I'm going to pretend I don't know. No, no, no, no, no, no. Say it, dude.

You know. No, it was from, it's called Song of Songs. Do you remember it? I don't remember the verse. I'm going to look it up. Song of Songs is the corniest, it's like your tits are nice.

It's like an Old Testament song about fucking. And don't look it up. I'm looking it up. I'm trying to tell you a nice... No, tell it. We'll still hear what you're saying. So then she didn't even get it. My friends immediately took it out of her desk.

And when I got to school the next day, they were waiting. Just destroying you? Yeah. Brutal. They all forgot about it. I'll never forget that. Of course. That was the worst. Hold on. I need to get it. I'll never forget that. Of course.

That was the worst. Hold on. I need to get this. That's what made you stop loving God. I knew I was wrong as soon as they found it. As soon as they found it, I was like, damn, I suck. I can't get it. Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth, for your love is better than wine.

Your anointing oils. I didn't quote that exactly. It's a long fucking book. I'm assuming this is like the gist of it. For your love is better than wine. Your anointing oils are fragrant. Your name is perfumed. I sound like a fucking Indian guy online.

Therefore... In the comment section. There's an Indian guy in the comment section. Every Instagram love me. It's like sweet wine. Me and my wife. There's an Indian guy in the comment section. Every Instagram is like sweet wine. Me and my wife. It's rough. It's rough.

This is a little It's rough. This is a bit much. Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth for thy love is better than wine because of the savior

of thy good ointment thy name is as ointment poured forth therefore do the virgins love thee. Draw me. We will run after thee.

The king hath brought me into his chambers. Wow. Yeah, it was rough. Sixth grade you. Yeah, look, this is pre-911. That's how long ago this is. I'll apologize for this. I'm more sorry about this than anything I've done in my past.

After that, it was all Quran verses. If I won't have you now, I'll have you in the afterlife. After that, the Quran verse. Yeah, I saw 9-11 and converted. I was like, you know what? These guys might be onto something. These guys. Click.

And click. That would actually throw the liberals off. They'd be like wait what the fuck he's Muslim can we cancel him yeah Kaz

best or worst rejection most embarrassing rejection oh god I can't I'll tell you I said I love you to a girl

and she said I like ya and it was my girlfriend oh my god oh wow yeah I was um high school probably it was either junior maybe a senior year of high school and i said i love you in i remember going into my apartment we were going into my apartment so i thought i would set the mood outside

of my apartment and i typed in the code to open the door and i stopped the door and i was like hey i just want to let you know i love you and she looked at me in my face and then she's like wow uh i mean i like you and i paused there for so long that the door code reset so i tried to open the door and I got rejected by the fucking door as well so she slammed the door

laughing in my face and then my apartment building slammed the door nobody wants you today I know why I like that I called this girl because I was on vacation and I had been dating this chick

and I liked her a lot and I called her and I was about to I was bragging about her to my friends the whole time I was like me and this girl she's so fucking hot I liked her a lot. I called her and I was about to, I was bragging about her to my friends the whole time. I was like, me and this girl, she's so fucking hot.

I love her, all this shit. I called her at night thinking like, this will be nice. She was like, I was like, hey, what's up?

She was like, do you think we rushed into this? I was like, yeah, yeah, we did. Let's just be friends. I hung up.

What the fuck just happened? It was funny, I didn't put up any fight at all. She was like, you think we rushed into this? I was like, yeah. That's why I was calling. All right, let's stop the show for a second because I have to tell you guys about something very, very important. I think I might have found the solution to breakfast.

No bullshit. I think I might have found the solution to breakfast. No bullshit. I think I might have found the solution to breakfast when I was a kid. Obviously, breakfast was cereal. I turned into an adult, and I found out I was just ingesting hundreds of grams of sugar before I went to school. And then I was shocked that I couldn't pay attention at all, and people said I had things like ADHD. No, I didn't have ADHD. I had Frosted Flakes. That's what I had okay i had cocoa puffs i had cinnamon toast crunch that's what you have that makes you not able to function as a child in school okay well they fixed that

there's a company called magic spoon and it's a cereal company and they've sent me four boxes of cereal. They have zero sugar, okay, 12 grams of protein, only three grams of net carbs, okay? I got all four flavors, cocoa, fruity, frosted, and blueberry. I'm telling you, the cereal's delicious. I was snacking on it myself, just digging my hand into that blueberry one. It was unbelievable. I probably ate half of the box. And I'm eating this and I'm like, how the hell is there no sugar?

How the hell is this almost zero carbs? How the hell is it keto friendly? How the hell is it gluten free, grain free, soy free, low carb, and GMO free? How is this possible? Okay? I've been promised by Magic Spoon. They are not lying. It is 100% sincere.

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You like an almond? You like a soy? You do whatever you want to do. Go to magicspoon.com slash flagrant. You grab a variety pack and you try it today. Be sure to use our promo code flagrant at the checkout. And you know what? You get free shipping.

You get free shipping along with all those health benefits and something to eat in the morning. Go to magicspoon.com slash flagrant. Magic Spoon is so confident in their product that it's back with a 100% happiness guarantee. So if you don't like it for any reason, they're going to refund your money. No questions asked. Did you just hear that?

Buy the cereal. They're so confident you're going to like it. They'll give you your money back if you don't. That's magicspoon.com slash flagrant. Use the code flagrant for free shipping. Magic Spoon, thank you so much for sponsoring Flagrant 2

and keep sending me those free boxes, okay? Because I'm going to keep eating especially that blueberry. That thing was delicious. All right, back to the show. All right, guys, what do you got for us?

I know you got something. I'm thinking, man. I got two. One is not rejection, but it's so fucking sad in retrospect. All right, go. I was fat and ugly as a kid. i fucking yo problem dude it was like a fucking hamster got let loose in the high school yeah like and drank the ninja turtles shit but didn't get muscle

and i was the kid that the girls were like pretending they liked like this guy was like yo this girl likes you buh buh buh this is almost worse this is almost this is i was that guy by the way this is almost worse i was so aware of the fact that there's no way she liked me that i like played along with the joke i don't remember if i was like nah she ugly or if i was like oh really yeah we should date like sarcastically but in retrospect that's almost worse that you're that aware of your ugly. You're just like, it's gotta be a joke. Yo, stop it.

Ain't no bitch like me. That's tough. Yeah, that's tough. And consequently, the first time I liked a girl, but like after girls started liking me, but I actually liked one back, she didn't like me back.

And it was like, you remember the opening scene of Hitch? Like what made him become Hitch? Is he was like his first girlfriend. He was justitch like what made him become Hitch is he was like his first girlfriend he was just like all clingy

always trying to be around her always calling I was like that but the girl never liked me so I'm just constantly texting and she's like bro what you want yo

leave me alone what would you text I don't know I think I would just try to hang out then at one point I tried to be friends with her send pic of bobs

send pussy pics sex no it was just like trying to hang out all the time bobs or boobs yeah you never see

any guy in comments his comment is fire but none of y'all get it yeah I get it anytime anytime anytime

anytime anytime anytime anytime anytime anytime anytime anytime

anytime anytime anytime anytime anytime anytime anytime anytime

anytime anytime anytime anytime anytime anytime anytime anytime

anytime anytime anytime anytime anytime anytime anytime anytime

anytime anytime anytime anytime anytime anytime anytime anytime

anytime anytime anytime anytime anytime anytime anytime anytime anytime anytime anytime anytime anytime anytime Yeah, I get it. Anytime, yeah. Anytime it's a pretty girl, and I see it because Indians will find Indians. They're just like, marry me, please. I want to love you forever.

Sex and vagina? Sex, you sex me? Yeah, but I was like constantly, yo, you want to go see a movie? And she's like, I'm busy. And never was I like, oh, she's just busy for you. Never did that click. I was mad Indian, actually, early on.

And then I was like, Hey, Indian. And I was like, oh, you mad thirsty, yo. My man, I need some wine, hopefully white and not red. I was thirsty, boy. You got to have something. I got one, but it's not great because it's like I always shot within my range. So I never overshot my shot.

But there was this one time, there was this girl. She was like, all right looking, but she was thick. So I was like, one to ten. She was like i never like overshot my shot but there was this one time there was a girl she was like all right looking but she was thick so like one to ten she's like a five yeah five or six and then you know we're messing around whatever and then like for like a couple days like literally like a week after like we like messed around for the first time she pretty much told me like i was like too ugly for her in like so many ways and i'm like i came down for you like i was not like i was i mean i i had women but i never really like shot for the dimes until i got like that in college and she's basically just like you know like you gotta understand i grew up in staten island so like you know i was like one of maybe like four black guys in my

school right so like it was almost like she I knew the type of dude she was into and she was just like I just wasn't that guy and she was just like oh well you know I kind of meant to like Brad wherever the fuck it was I'm like she like white guys she liked white guys I think I was just like one of her like a little experiments right and like I got played on like a cosmetic level and I'm just like, yo, I came down for you. I've had better looking girls. No, I was in middle school.

It doesn't count. That sucks if you don't speak. But still, yeah. I mean, I had a pretty good run after high school and college. But we don't want to hear about the good shit. Yeah, we want to hear about the... Alex, what's your shot? Can I tell one of Alex's?

Dude, Alex, we shoot his shot, bro. We were at this club in LA once. Oh, nice. And Alex, there was this girl with us. And she used to play volleyball. She was about like 5'11". And Alex is like a strong 5'9". Nah, 5'10".

Let's say he's a strong 5'9". And this girl was 5'11", plus she had heels on. And Alex had been trying to hit her the whole night, and it really wasn't going that well. And I looked at him hitting on her, and Alex was standing on a stair. He was standing on a stair with one foot with his knee locked so he was the height of the stair right but his other foot was on his tippy toe on the ground the regular level

so he kind of looked like a flamingo almost like one of his legs bent and he was hitting on her heart bro in her ear coming down from above shout out to theresa man how'd it go damn man you put names on it first names bro man oh gosh you better not have nobody named theresa come around lately anyway but uh but al do you have another one i mean that was a good one we could stop that no you probably got a good one hold on i gave a bible verse story all right all right this one's really thank you so um this is high school girlfriend i kind of got caught cheating and not kinda i definitely did and we went on a college tour trip and i got drunk on the trip this is uh confessions just came out oh she's album Oh boy So I got drunk And I was singing songs From Confessions

At the top of my lung Outside her window Of the girls dorm Trying to get her back Didn't work at all Now Alex is a really good voice That makes it worse kind of That makes it worse

Which songs were you singing? Confessions Probably Burn I don't know You can't sing the Let It Go song. Burn's about staying broken up. That's true. Let it burn.

Probably Confessions. It was a bad song choice. Can you sing the song? He should have gone A701 when he was in Love and Chili. That would have got it. Hold on. Yeah, but Confessions just came out. It was slapping.

I was like, oh, I'm going to get it with a bopper. Did you go part one or part two? Probably part two. Al two can you please sing the song come on I can't like give a damn who sees me so you better comment on this over and over acting like I didn't have you

sitting at home thinking about me and the new girl that shot as you probably believe you're not a good man

you never never do the things I'm about to tell you I've done praise yourself and anger but it would be the worst if you

heard this from someone else Oh, man. Oh, man. You gave up on yourself. Yeah. So that song is still traumatized. Still traumatized. I get it. I'm in the studio, man. That's just an intro. Oh, man.

My gosh. What are we at right now? 137. Listen, Shane, I want you to give them everything. Give them your socials. Yeah. Hopefully you guys who didn't. Give them your socials. Yeah. Hopefully you guys who didn't understand Shane have a better understanding of Shane. I don't think I did myself any favors on this one.

You did prove you're funny. That's the most important thing. If there's one thing that we value on this podcast, Asshole Army values, it is humor. And I think if they see you as a funny person, all of a sudden they see the rest of the shit that is said in that context. I think that's very good. But, yeah, tell them about the podcast.

Tell them your socials and all that stuff. It's Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast. You can follow me on Twitter and Instagram at ShaneMGillis and go to ShaneMGillis.com for tour dates. And what do you got coming up? Now, this comes out next week. Okay. So that means I'm at Worcester, Mass.

At the Woo Ha Ha Comedy Club. The 13th and 14th. 20th and 21st of December, I'll be at Good Nights in Raleigh, North Carolina. Great club. 27th, 28th, I'll be in McGoobies in Baltimore. That sounds so racist. McGoobies. McGoobies.

And January 10th and 11th, I'll be at Helium Buffalo. Ah, good. 17th, 18th of January, Stress Factory in New Brunswick. Yep. 24th, 25th, Comics, Mohegan Sun in Connecticut. 30th through the 1st, Bridgeport Stress Factory in Connecticut. Great. Great, great, great.

All right, so go check out Shane. I appreciate you coming down, man. No, I appreciate you. Yeah, man, that was good. I think you got some good stuff coming out, man. I can't wait till you drop some more stand-up. I know I was following when the whole saga went on. I was following you at a clip I think Comedy Central put out.

Yeah. And I was following that clip. I was like, are they going to see if he's funny? Yeah. Because that was important to me. It was like, okay, I understand that you don't like him, but if you go watch the clips, you're curious to see if he's funny or not. And that clip really went up.

Yeah. I think it probably started around like 100-something, and now I don't know where the fuck it is. It does kind of suck, though, because that was a Comedy Central five-minute clip. Right. Like, it's not my – it's not. It's Comedy Central. It's better than –

They cut stuff out of it. Yeah, of course. You can't say this. It's better than the podcast, bro. True, true. It is better than that clip stuff out of it yeah of course you can't say this better than the podcast bro it is better than that for sure but I'm excited for you to share some of the stuff

that I've seen I hope that you start putting stuff out in some way shape or form I'm working on that we'll talk anything I can do to help you

you know I'm here for you thank you so much for coming on man really appreciate you my brother guys this has been another episode of Flagrant 2

no easy buck just keep it tight peace Thank you so much for coming on, man. Really appreciate you, my brother. Guys, this has been another episode of Flagrant 2. No easy buck. Just keep it tight. Peace.