Andrew Schulz's Flagrant with Akaash Singh - Figures With Attitude ft. Jeremiah Watkins

Episode Date: November 8, 2019

This week Andrew, Akaash, Kaz, and special guest Jeremiah Watkins discuss: Kansas City vs. Kansas City, waterboarding each other for fun, KAT vs. Joel Embiid, having Blue Chew sponsor Akaash's wedding, donating your spunk for extra cash, and much more. INDULGE!!! Want an extra episode a week? Become a Patron! www. Patreon.com/Flagrant2

So we waterboarded each other this weekend when we were in Sacramento. Why? Because I didn't think that I could live it. You've never seen Captain America Civil War though? Son, I watched all the things. Deadass. It don't look that bad. Can I tell you honestly what my thing was? I felt like they were doing it to people in the middle because they're like in the desert.

They're not good with water. So I feel like they were reacting way worse to water than normal people would. Whereas I'm comfortable with water, right? I've swam. I've surfed. I've done that shit. I do daily Evian sprays. I'm good, bro.

How is it that different, right? It's a mist. It's a mist. It's neat torture. I don't know what that means, but I'm with you. It's neat torture, I don't know what that means but I'm with you. But that doesn't make a lot of mess. Doesn't make a lot of mess.

First of all it's quite messy. I would assume so. It's a lot of sweat. It's a lot of sweat. Especially if you have carpet there's mildew that could happen.

There's a lot of things to consider here. That's on the residence inn though. You know what I mean? The residence inn got a handle on it. Did you guys film this? That's part of the pit deposit.

You really wore a board of those. This poor Mexican bitch is just bringing towels and towels and towels back to the room because we went through like maybe 30 fucking towels waterboarding, right? You have video of it? No, not here. Okay. We're going to put in a drop and in. But I'm not going to lie, bro. So we leaned back on a tub, put the towel over the face, and then we took the coffee pot, filled it with

water so we could just pour the water. That's not enough though, right? You need to spray a gallon, yo. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. I tapped out in 3.7 seconds. Okay? Because what I thought was I could breathe, for some reason

I thought I could breathe like this. I don't know why. I thought that I could breathe. For some reason, I thought I could breathe like this. Like, I don't know why. I thought that I could breathe. But it went right up my nose. It went in my mouth. And I was out in fucking three. Alex did what? Seven seconds?

This is how I know I'm hanging around this motherfucker too long. Because I had the delusion like, I could get through that shit. Like, I really did think I could get through that shit. I really thought these terrorists were pussies, son. I thought terrorists were pussies. The CIA have come up with it. Sonny, just warn the fucking terrorists. They liveies, son. I thought terrorists were pussies. The CIA have come up with it. What the fuck are terrorists?

They live in the desert. They don't swim. They don't know water. They're desert people. You're not going to do that on a Puerto Rican or Cuban. You think a Puerto Rican or Cuban can't waterboard? Here's where I'm not surprised at you. Alex, you should know better.

If I just hold my breath for a long time, I'm good. Son, I tried to hold my breath and it kept going in my nostrils. I think that's common mentality. 100%. Being like, you're the guy in the back of the room watching somebody bomb on stage and you're like, I'll get him. Waterboarding also, the way they talked about it, sounded like some huge shit. No, it sounded like they're waterboarding these people. No, no, no.

Just a turn. I'm trying to go waterboarding. We out here wakeboarding, waterboarding these people. That doesn't sound like an activity. Just a term? I'm trying to go waterboarding? Man, we out here wakeboarding, waterboarding, boogieboarding, bodyboarding. I'm about to drop in on this wave. That's valid, but I mean the way they would talk about it on the news, like Dick Cheney authorized waterboarding. So I thought it was some really crazy form of torture, and then I'm watching it. I think it was Zero Dark Thirty before I fell asleep, and I'm watching.

I'm like, this shit don't look bad, yo. It's just water on a shirt. Son, I swear to God, I thought they were reacting to the wasting of water because they're so used to not having water in these parts of the world. That's how they kept gasping? Yeah. They were trying to swallow it. Yeah.

I thought it was a tease. I was like, they're putting it over their mouth, and they're so thirsty, they want to drink it, but then they can't because they have the thing covering their mouth. I thought it was an emotional thing, not a physical thing. And I'm telling you, three seconds in, I give up all the secrets of America. Every secret of America within 3.7 seconds. I gave the whole shit away. Did I not?

You faxed. So I went like this. I went, get off of me! And I was in control of myself. Like, no one was holding me down. You're pouring your own water. Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

What did I do to me? The CIA is located! Hey, we should have... The Pentagon in Washington, D.C. The access points to Guantanamo are right here, here, here. It's on anything. We should have a Patreon

waterboarding challenge. See how long... We should do that. See how long you and your homies can go? Don't die? You know what I mean? No, no, no, here. It's on anything. We should have a Patreon waterboarding challenge. See how long you and your homies can go. Don't die. You know what I mean? No, no, no. No, no, no. We're not encouraging anybody at home to do that. This is wildly responsible.

We're going to get one blogger murdered. We're going to get all the patrons killed. Our guy's going to drown the whole asshole army. Our guy's like, Alex, put up the Patreon link right now. To be fair, the Kate Council's description. I can go more to drown the whole asshole army. Our guy's like, Alex, put up the Patreon link right now. To be fair, the kid can't cancel the subscription. I can go more than

seven seconds, I think. No, here's the thing. Here's the thing. Here's the thing. And trust me, I am that guy. Y'all know I'm that guy. Y'all know I'm that guy

where I think I can do anything, right? What happens is this. If you know they're about to drop the water, you can hold your breath and you can do it for as long as you

hold your breath. That's fine. Not even. It's when you don't know they're about to drop the water, you can hold your breath and you can do it for as long as you hold your breath. That's fine. Not even. It's when you don't know they're going to drop it. It's the anticipation. Blind! So you time your breath and God forbid like me you time your first breath when the water comes. Literally, I sound like a whore. Like that's what it is.

Dude, it was bad. Three seconds. I've done it as a bit on stage. That was one of the old wave bits that we did. Really? Yeah, we did it on Comedy Central. Waterboarded yourselves. Yeah, yeah. Jamar and Willie waterboarded me.

And we only did it for a few seconds, and I got it all up in my nose. Son, you and I, we have profound noses, let's say. That counts. Yeah, it does. That counts. Bigger passage. It goes in. You can let's say. That counts. Yeah, it does. That counts. Bigger passage. It goes in. You can't block it.

I know. There's a little bit more of a bridgeway from the nose to the mouth. Son, it is a tunnel, bro. A little air passage? No, you can't. You can't. No? Air pocket.

A little air pocket. You can't air pocket. I tried to air pocket, dude. It's an effective way to torture these motherfuckers, man. And like you guys, who said that about the cleanup? I did. You said the cleanup. It's just not bloody.

It's like you feel much better about yourself when you waterboard. Like, I could waterboard somebody. Yeah. I don't think I could, like, whip you or, like, hurt you. Yeah, because you're seeing the blood come out and stuff like that. Waterboard is, first of all, they already stink. You're just washing them. You know what I mean?

You're just fucking washing these people. It's not really a scream, too, because they can't breathe. It's a gargle. It's a gargle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's what we call a U.S. shower. You know what I'm talking about? That's a U.S. shower.

It's a freedom shower. It's a freedom shower. Now, here's some dial soap and clean up. We got a freedom tower. You get some freedom showers. That's how it soap and clean up. We got a freedom tower. You get some freedom showers. That's how it's going to work. Yo, what's up? This is Akash.

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