Andrew Schulz's Flagrant with Akaash Singh - Flagrant 2 is GAYER! ft. Matteo Lane

Episode Date: March 3, 2022

0:00 - start 1:43 - Flagrant 2 changed Matteo's life 6:50 - background tv during hookup 14:20 - Schulz and Matteo switcharoo 19:30 - STD's compared 32:50 - Tinder v Grindr 38:07 - is high school like Euphoria portrays? 50:30 - Flagrant 2 gay conversion on Broadway 1:07:20 - Shock therapy game 1:09:00 - Ash Wednesday Flagrant 2 is a comedy podcast that delivers unfiltered, unapologetic, and unruly hot takes directly to your dome piece. In an era dictated by political correctness, hosts Andrew Schulz and Akaash Singh, along with AlexxMedia and Mark Gagnon, could care less about sensitivities. If it’s funny and flagrant it flies. If you are sensitive this podcast is not for you. But if you miss the days of comedians actually being funny instead of preaching to a quire then welcome to The Flagrancy. Join the Patreon Asshole Army: http://bit.ly/2xQwHYf

What's up, everybody? Welcome to Flager 2. Okay, it's your boy Schultz. I'm here with Akash Singh. We got Mark Gagnon, Alex Media, Miles Media, The Truffle. Val is here. And we have a special guest that you just saw right now. A Flager 2 favorite.

Yep, yep, yep. A sensation. Truly. Selling out shows all across the country and maybe in other countries. Whoa. I see you're going out to Italy to perform as well. We have Matteo Lane we have to check in with you man how are things going brother so good i don't um congrats even though we've talked but it just on your wedding i forgot my ring dude this is great

get another one get something oh i took it off to put fucking lotion on. Okay, well. You know where it is. But my wife's going to find it. Wait, what were you lotioning? That's what happens when you're married, right? That is what happens when you're married. Fact, 100%.

No, thank you so much. We haven't spoken since the wedding? No, we've spoken. It sounds nicer because people who haven't see me on the... God, my timeline's all fucked up. It was last July. I came on. Yeah, yeah. July? Yeah, Robbie and Casey's wedding. Some of us weren't invited.

It's fine. I was in a tank or something. Wait a minute. You came here in July? Yeah. To me, you came here last month. That seemed like two months ago. Yeah, two show that you came here in july yeah to me you came here last month that seemed like two months ago yeah two months ago you came here 100 i know that's crazy yeah but well we saw each other in november oh we did chicago i thought that we did i don't know for some reason like you came on the pod and then we did Chicago the next week. But fuck that. How are you? Things are doing good for you, huh?

Okay. So not to like, I told, I said I wasn't going to blow smoke up both y'all's asses. But just so everyone watching knows genuinely, and I've said this as many times I could on like radio or whatever, but like this show changed my life. No. Like completely around. I mean, it's been wild. And for everyone who wants to know, Andrew really is the nicest because he said to me,

he's like, hey, when I started putting stuff up online, you were like, oh, you should do reels, but send them to me first and let me tell you how they should be. And I would send them to you and you would say, change this, take out that, add this. The covers should be like this. You shouldn't do that. And it was like a couple couple weeks of trial and error. And then, ever since I've been on this show and since you helped me do Reels,

I have like almost 200,000 new followers. Wow. I know, and everyone's so nice. The fragrant effect. And all my London tour, I'm doing 12 shows in London, sold out. Get the fuck out of here, dude. Chicago, I'm doing a theater, sold out, so we added a show. Wow. And it's almost sold out 12 shows out of here sold out chicago i'm doing a theater sold out

so we added a show and it's almost sold out so please come park west march 25th hell yeah my god dude this is very cool very exciting i have only you to thank i'm so sorry you were like let's get it you killed it no listen there are people that come on the pod and they don't um they just don't have the type of episode that you had you fucking came on you brought it dude it was good yeah i know now i have to like be good as well on this episode no you don't i got nothing no pressure okay you just fucking yeah you were just awesome and it's just so happy and i remember like i mean this is like a microcosm i'm sure of like what like rogan can do but like i remember like seeing that happen when you go on like a road and you go

on like a breakfast club or you go on these like platforms and then like you know things can happen for you and then i remember you like kind of telling me then seeing you selling out all these shows it was one day and i had i woke up and i had 20 000 new followers that's fucking dope and i remember talking to mark norman and he was like he was like ah you did shawls good job and i was like yeah he was like how many followers and i was like. It's a good job. And I was like, yeah. He was like, how many followers? And I was like, 20,000 in a day. He's like, Jesus Christ. He lost his mind. We got to get Mark on.

I love Mark. We got to get Mark on. But it was cool. I mean, it was very cool. It's fun. And now I love it. I put all my stand-up up online. Good.

But you're killing it. That's the thing. You did the right thing with it. This is not us. This is the fans that we have that are fucking awesome, and they recognize talent. And you put your talent out in the right way, and it's really cool to see it happen. Oh, well, thank you. Andrew's incredibly helpful, and people don't know that about him necessarily.

Your special was so good. Oh, thank you, buddy. And it was at 2 million views in less than a month. Yeah, no, we're doing... Hey, Mateo. Hey, buddy. Hey, thanks to Andrew. You know what I mean?

Stop it, guys. That's what this is. We're all thanking you today. Stop it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel likeo. Hey, buddy. Hey, thanks to Andrew. You know what I mean? Stop it, guys. That's what this is. We're all thanking you today. Stop it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like at the end, you guys are all going to quit. This is the last episode of Flagrant 2, guys. Yeah, welcome to it.

I came in right now. This is awesome. I'm so excited for you. This is really great. You know what he told me, though, today that was a little disappointing? What? He said he wants a boyfriend, and I don't want that. Get it, get it, get it.

No, no, no, no, no. Yes, I believe I deserve a boyfriend. You deserve it. Well, I it, get it, get it. No, no, no, no. I believe I deserve a boyfriend. You deserve it. Well, I've had many men, but not boyfriends. What happened to that little cutie patootie you brought to the Chicago show? Oh, we're just friends. Like, he's an ice skater.

We're literally just friends' friends. We've been talking for years. He's from Italy. He's very Italian. He's not masculine enough. Matteo should be out there fucking everybody, dude. I am. I should stop.

I'm doing enough of that. That's why I'm like, I need to be anchored a little bit. I'm a little too, having too much fun. You're too promiscuous? I mean, I guess on a scale of men, not so promiscuous. How many a week? Can we just throw that out? It just depends on the week.

Like, is one a lot? Is one a little? one is not he's come on but are you yeah like are you a high-valued man like do you believe in monogamy uh but not like in a relationship maybe for like the first two years oh okay but like after that don't you want to after a while you know what i mean i think that's like i don't know how straight people do it but i feel like yeah like i don't know what i mean i think that's like i don't know how straight people do it but i feel like yeah like i don't know yeah i mean i've had hookups sometimes you hook up and you don't even like learn their names like i had this hookup with this guy and he came over and it's all these promises we made to each other like we're gonna do this and that lies lies and then he comes over and the lies continue i'm like you want water how about you know like all these things that don't

make any sense and then i said you want to watch tv and he's like sure so you put on the disney channel that is like the gayest part of this whole story but it's all well he picked lilo and stitch but it is good though never mind it's kind of weird to be blowing someone and then the background you just hear, Ohana moves family. I'm like, okay, this is a lot. This is a lot. I mean, I've heard... That was the funniest thing about the Aziz shit. Remember when Aziz got in trouble for the girl? But whatever he did with that girl,

giving her wine or whatever. And then like, or the wrong wine. It was the wrong wine or something, right? But he was hooking up to Seinfeld. I've hooked up to the Golden Girls. But that makes sense. Wait, why does that make more sense? Just these hot, loose pussy chicks.

It is. I was this Cuban guy and he was he really liked the Golden Girls. He was so hot. I also had one of the biggest dicks I've ever seen. I mean, it was I even I like I thought it was like being punked. But but it's funny to be hooking up and then the background here like ma. I've ever seen I mean it was I even I like I thought it was like being punked but um but it's funny to be hooking up and then the background here like ma you know be Arthur in the background it is it is kind of funny to like think about like what have I fucked to like what tv shows what do you put on sex to usually I don't know I don't I sometimes

like guys want to put on music and that's always embarrassing because then you feel you feel as you go with the rhythm and then like suddenly like Miley Cyrus comes on and they're embarrassed because like it's the wrong mix and then we're like stopping and there's lube everywhere. But you know, um, I don't know. I'm usually just like us or like maybe,

yeah, I don't know if we're watching a movie, then maybe that's just onto the background podcast. No. Can you imagine? Dude, can you do it? Um,

can I, can I i can i just i want to do something we're going to record a podcast where for like two minutes we're just going to talk about how awesome you are oh i'm really uncomfortable no but you're not there and then i want you to play that podcast but like have like a five minute lead in when you're having sex and then all of a sudden it's going to start hitting. Oh yeah, that Mateo guy, he's a beast, isn't he? You have to time your fuck to our compliments. Did you fuck Andrew?

Maybe. I don't see a wall for either party, to be honest. Now, is it true people are mistaking us? Yes, it is. I get it all the time. then also like what happened to you there no they're either insulting me or you it's either one you're not getting this on like hookups ever no gay people don't they don't know me they don't really know you how do i cross the fuck over i need gays on my side man um oh that's well you have to have you got to get like a pop hit yeah you got to do something

stupid that you can put a beat behind that can be played both ironically and taken seriously for example um like when the real housewives and she did that song uh google me or tardy for the party okay like she thought she was really doing it like you i'll be tardy for the party and she thought she was really serious and then the game's like love and then now it's like a combination of we're making fun of you and loving you at the same time yeah that seems like how people go viral now yeah kind of yeah like that guy in the fridge who fell doing the spider-man thing what is this oh you didn't see that the guy was like trying to do spider-man on his mom's fridge and then it like he like fell mark mark is jamie speed right now i heard him typing immediately it was unreal yeah i heard him say it and then it's like i thought have you never seen it no

yeah him him okay let's hit it oh this is great cut that volume that's only eight seconds i'm pulling it out here we go one second cursor and And. So that's what you need to do. That's what you need to do. I appreciate that he recognized that that's funny. Yeah. Because he's videotaping himself. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Like he doesn't have to upload it. Yeah. But he chose to upload it. Sometimes I wonder if these are fake or real but that one the fall seemed too authentic like the kimmel one yeah yeah yeah which one the kimmel one like he did a couple like fake viral videos yeah but they went viral yeah and it was like a girl got lit on fire and fell down or something like that whatever yeah yeah oh so well that's stupid it was staged but none of us do a stage and went viral and then he exposed i bet you a lot of these viral videos are staged anyways i don't you know what i mean

yeah i don't think that here we go what's this this is it oh yeah so this is her she goes up on the thing in this video just this part went super viral back super yeah i remember this she's busting it down someone walks in the door boom i guess you can tell now that it's I mean she is on fire yeah and just that part went viral and then this is the end yeah they they cropped out a whole video and then they go hey remember this video is actually me the whole time that's my chlamydia have you ever had in a CD yeah really gonorrhea and chlamydia and gone in like a day with uh yeah gonorrhea was the worst because uh let's just say i was lied to so all of a sudden

my ass was killing me and i was opening for aziz on tour and i it just was i wasn't the most pain i've ever been in my entire life and lied to and that like he said it was going to be white wine not red wine i was dating someone who who told me they weren't cheating and then this is how i found out so i was on tour with aziz and it was like 9 a.m i was in so much pain i got a message from my doctor we're in toronto and it was like hey i didn't say hey my doctor's like what's up yo hey it's like hey what's going on hope you're doing well anyways listen you got the guns so uh they were like you have gonorrhea so now it's like seven now it's like seven o'clock in the morning I'm in another country and I'm running I'm acting like I'm in Yemen but I'm like I mean I'm running around like trying to find a city MD and then they the second they gave me the shot with the two pills,

I mean, it was like an hour later, I felt better. Like it was almost instant. I was like, oh, and then Aziz wakes up at like, and then he's like, oh, how's it going? And I'm like, I've got a re-eye. He's like, dude. It's so funny. And I talked about it on stage that night.

I was like, just walked on stage. Now, what do you do when you know who gives it to you? You just say the most horrible things you can to them. You just lash out or what? You're allowed to. You have license. Yeah. What'd you say?

Can you tell us? I just said, I'm like, I fucking trusted you, you piece of shit. You liar, this and that. And everything you'd see on Maury. Did you also cheat on him? No, I was faithful. And Keith Robinson didn't believe me. He's like, you're a cheater.

And I'm like, actually, Keith, I'm not a cheater. You liar. But no, I'd never cheated. I was like a faithful Puritan Catholic girl. And tell when? Once this happened? Oh, yeah. Now, if you have a point or an edge, I'll sit on it.

I mean, I don't care. I mean, I'll do it. I don't care. I've thrown caution to the wind. Really? Yeah. I'm pointing at an edge. care i mean i'll do it i don't care i've thrown caution to the wind really yeah and is there ever a point like is there like a slut shaming in the gay community not really i don't think so but i also don't think it's like bloody it's like it's yes very much so wow go on that i'm joe i'm i don't get you to laugh i don't know seriously seriously. Well, it's like in my group of friends,

like it's always like, you know, we're always arguing like, who's had sex with the most people? And I'm way towards the bottom. What is your number? Oh, probably like 300. Towards the end point? Towards the end point?

I don't know. 200 maybe? I'm trying to really think about it. Maybe 200. 200. Yo, you're prude, bro. I guess so. Are you even gay even?

Yeah, look at my jeans. I have those jeans. We should do a thing where we dress in each other's outfits. We do every day. We look just like one another. Or now. We're morphing into just one New York City comic.

Should we just switch into our outfits right now? Mid-pod, and nobody will know the difference. Should we just switch into our outfits right now? Right now. Mid-pod. And nobody will know the difference. Can we please? Please? Yeah, I'm fine. You gotta snap and then do it. Okay, fuck, okay.

Yeah, ready? How are we gonna snap? What do you mean? I don't know. Don't look at me. Don't act like you don't know how to snap, Mateo. Snap? Oh, okay.

Oh, fuck. I already can't snap. Hands too slippery from the lube. I'm Matteo. Stop it. I'm Matteo. I'm sorry. So, Matteo, you're fluent in Italian.

Tell us your life story in Italian. Why? What do you mean? No. Yeah, no, I'm from Chicago, and I'm a Mexican, and I like dicks. Push the mic away when you laugh. This is what I do. I go,

I'm not. Do your best Andrew impression. I don't know how to do it. You can't offend him. Like, like how to straight guys. How to straight guys. Hey, they're great you know

straightest person i can think of is tony the tiger bro i can feel the zipper breaking every time i laugh another thing unbuckles in the zipper first of all aren't you hot in this like aren't you hot in this i am dude I feel sexy I feel sexier yeah what's great is that you can't fit in the jeans but you can't the shirts loose on you

the jeans fit me exactly the same no but the shirts tight on him loose on you thank you Duff thank you Duff for pointing that out Duff can finally body shame you

and he's so excited about it he really is he's so happy to do this and you know what we had a bet we had a bet going on that like what was that I was gonna be skinnier than you or something you know what? We had a bet. We had a bet going on that like, what was that?

I was going to be skinnier than you or something? You didn't want to finish the bet. You backed out of the bet, pussy. I ran into you at a coffee shop today eating two pastries. Two pastries. Wait, really? You, a golden doodle, two pastries. Didn't order coffee yet.

I did. I did order two pastries. You were actually like Mateo way earlier today. It was a rough day. I had egg whites and then rice and chicken. damn i know you are not andrew i know and the best i'm going to italy next week so i'll be eating pasta every day and smoking cigarettes and hell you know are you um are you worried about uh doing stand-up in italy no um why for what reason i don't know like joy behar like yeah the russians are going to be there

um what is this invasion can you imagine like i'm in italy and suddenly the russians come like you you this is a little too west um the food's good here this is too bad um no i'm gonna do it half and half i'm doing it with francesco de carlo everyone should look hey francesco francesco he's an italian comic and uh he does it in English as well, so we're going to do kind of a mix. So I'm just going to walk around. I feel very, like, more powerful in this jacket. Right? This is so funny.

Like, in that, I feel like I present cute. No, you're a fuckboy in this. Also, this chair. It's very Dr. Evil. Right? Like, Dr. Evil that spins around. Yeah. This, do you think that you'd get laid more if you dressed like me?

No. Be honest. I mean, you dress cool, though. I think he was being honest. The thing is, like, the blurb between... I think that was honesty. I just didn't like the answer. He must be lying.

No, no. Why would he lie to us? Be dishonest. Oh, yeah, be dishonest. You don't think you'd be like a fuckboy, like, just tagging up dudes all the time? No, I'm too insecure for that. Yeah, but this with the outfit, then you're secure. I don't think you'd be like a like a like a fuck boy like just tagging up dudes all the time like i'm too insecure for that yeah but this with the outfit then you're secure i don't know i feel like the line is blurring between how gays dress and straights dress anyways like i mean for my size in those clothes they're baggier clothes for me because no these are tight but for me it's larger but you're taller than me what do you mean he tried to butch it up for

flagrant too i did i wore a bazooka shirt and rolled up the sleeves. This was his like, hey, I got to be as straight as I can. Wait, this is your straight outfit? I didn't say straight. Let's not say things you can't take back. But more baggy, I said. Look, baggy. You look more like a mom in the 90s.

My son's yeah but anyways wow so I'm really in control how do you feel in that outfit I feel I feel good yeah my stomach feels a little bit thick

I feel thick in the stomach I don't think so I think you look like you're in shape but I know you're not talking shit I know you're not talking shit your stomach been looking like this show your goddamn stomach out hey hey hey

I wear my appropriate size clothes, motherfucker. No, no. I feel like I'm growing a little bit here. I don't like that that much. Who cares? You're married. Yeah, you're married and famous. What do you care?

What the fuck do I care? What do you need abs for? I need the abs. I'm trying to get laid and get hooked and, you know, find a husband. Yeah. Those are two separate things. Wait, do you want a hubby hubby like lock it down adopt kids well and i say these things but i don't know if i mean them it's like i'm touring right now and that's really fun but like it'd be cool to have like someone that like you can like text like

how was your day you know what i mean right now it's my mother yeah and that's about it what about friends yeah i call my friend bob the drag queen and i talk a lot or my friend nick my friend we talked about nick last time yeah yeah wow um he calls me like seven times a day but nick doesn't care how i'm doing so so wait so hey hey yeah neither will your spouse yeah exactly but don't pretend more i was like you have much to learn my friend you and nick are already married. That's true. You guys don't care about each other and you don't fuck? Welcome to the club.

I won't get gonorrhea. Yeah, that's true. So, again, not. Which is worse, chlamydia or gonorrhea? Gonorrhea. Oh, my God. Chlamydia, it's always in my ass. I'm such a bottom.

But gonorrhea was like, I was like bleeding. Whoa. I was at Thanksgiving and all of a sudden, like, I was in so much pain. And then I, like, went to the bathroom and I was like, oh, bleeding i was it was i was at thanksgiving and all of a sudden like it wasn't i was in so much pain and then i like went to the bathroom and i was like oh that's really bad and then i went to my doctor and i was like maybe i have like a fissure and she was like no this looks like gonorrhea and i was like that's interesting and then i got the test i was on stool softeners and ibuprofen like four times a day just to like be able to go i know so painful and then one shot and was gone and the doctor was trying to get tickets to aziz's show hilarious literally my ass is out my pants are down and he's like so you're opening for aziz any tickets available i'm like read the room you're

like yeah you're like i'm opening for you right now all right guys infamous tour toronto this weekend is on and popping. We're coming in town. Some of us will be there Thursday. I'm going to pull up Friday. Friday and Saturday. Meridian Hall. Three shows.

Y'all already got the tickets. It's sold out. Maybe you get them on a secondhand market, but I'm so fucking excited to be up there in Toronto once again. Thank you guys so much for doing this. Also, New York City. We added that second show. Radio City Music Hall. We will see you guys there April for doing this. Also, New York City, you know we added that second show. Radio City Music Hall.

We will see you guys there April 16th. Make it fucking happen. Bunch of shows in between. Go to theandrewschultz.com to get tickets. Akash, what you got? First of all, just a reminder, the Vancouver show on March 11th at Vancouver Playhouse has been moved to July 1st, Canada Day. Because I'm going to run for Prime Minister. You cucks need it. Also, March 18th through 20th, I'm going to be in San Antonio

at LOL Comedy Club. This date was just added. April 1st and 2nd, I'm coming to Ohio, the Toledo Funny Bone. April 8th and 9th, Tampa. I'm coming back to Florida. Hopefully we can move down there. I'm going to be at the Improv in Tampa. And April 22nd and 23rd, Toronto Royal Theater. Four shows to sell out my first theater. I think about 60% of the tickets are already gone. So y'all better move fast. Hop on them shits. And then April 28th through April 30th, I'm going to be in Bridgeport, Connecticut at the Stress Factory. Go to akashsingh.com for tickets and all the show listings. Now let's get back to the show. All right, guys, we're going to take a break for a second because I got to tell you guys about Lucy. Look, we're all adults here and I know some of us choose to use nicotine to relax, focus, or just unwind after a long day. Lucy is a modern oral

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sure to use that promo code flagrant. Now let's get back to the show. Okay. So chlamydia is. Chlamydia just kind of felt like an irritation. I was like, something on my ass kind of feels funny. And then I told my doctor my sexual history and she's like, mm-hmm, we're just going to treat you right now.

And then I got tested and she's like, you had chlamydia. And you didn't feel much? No, not much. No. Sabi, no. Am I admitting something weird? Has anybody else here had an STD?

I think it's STI now. I don't know if I had it or not. I just went and I was like, it kind of hurts when I pee. And they were like, we could test you and that will take like two days to get the results. Or we could just give you the shit for whatever one it is. Which one is it? They give you just some kind of antibiotics. Chlamydia?

Yeah, just pee hot. And then I was like, well, yeah, just give me that shit yeah so you had chlamydia i don't know there's no proof the chlamydia medicine helped prophylactic prophylactic that's how covid should be just just in case don't test me just yeah just give me covid what there's no medicine for covid he's like he's like i went to my doctor and i said look i don't need the test. I've had enough sex. Bomb my system. And he did. You need to interview my friend Nick on this show.

I want to have Nick on. I think you would find he's 6'4", about 120 pounds, wears like women's blouses. Love. And he's very mean. He sounds like Squidward. I really wanted to talk to you about Euphoria. I was bummed that you'd never seen it. Oh, I told, we were talking today.

I was like, the closest thing I've seen to Euphoria is Downton Abbey. Why? I don't know. But I mean, I've never, I have no interest in seeing Euphoria. Like a bunch of young, hot kids getting high and having problems. I'm like, no, thank you. I don't relate to this at all. My high school was me closeted working at

Michael's in theater not that closeted you didn't think we were all deal yeah I know worked at Michael's yeah so funny and I was dating a girl who worked at Michael's oh you dated a girl did I talk about this last time so you were a gold star oh Oh, well, all we did was make out. But it wasn't like bringing her in the mosaic island fucking her. Finger? No, nothing. We'd go tanning with each other.

She knew you were gay, but yeah. Yeah, yeah. She cheated on me with her ex-boyfriend. Wait, really? Yeah, and I broke up with her in the yarn section. Really? But that's kind of reasonable, I guess. Okay, here's my question. That's fire, though.

You got to cheat on her with her ex-boyfriend. Yeah. Get back. Get back. No, instead I was returning beads from women in their early hundreds. That's what I picked instead. Okay, so what happens when you have a really close relationship

with a guy? Do you not develop feelings like you're like, oh, I kinda love this guy, maybe we could work something out. Like a straight guy? No, no, no. I mean like a gay dude. You're not fucking. Oh, like my best friend. Yeah, yeah like what why can't you bridge that gap is it the most insulting thing ever where you're just like you're hideous and i don't want to fuck you i've had friends before where they're like this kind of mix of a relationship where it's like we fuck and then

we're not fucking and then we fuck and then there's never any boundaries set but then they they never end up being like you're like my core my crew my best friends none of us want to fuck each other and is that insulting at all no we just don't we're none of each other's are each other's well my friend nick and bob were hooking up nick uh neck and then but then they just became friends and then bob's like hey nick doesn't have any gay friends can he come hang out with us and we were like okay and now we've been burdened with his friendship for years now but um but that that happens a lot i think you just try and it doesn't work but i have a couple friends there's no weirdness afterward when you stop it's not like oh no guys and girls typically it doesn't once that barriers cross it's tough to go back from what i understand

yeah you can fuck up the whole group dynamic i think it can but i think i think generally with gay people or queer people maybe it's less so you know well i think like straight relationships there's always this thing like you could be wasting a woman's time yes right but i feel i'm always wasting a woman's time and i'm gay like there always seems to be a wasting of a woman's time yeah always seems to be even though i believe they waste their time more than anyone okay keep going keep going wait are we women bashing give me back my shirt something about that chair we're not mateos get it buddy oh it fits him so well this yeah drop the voice a couple octaves and go in on these chicks uh hey so uh no women uh tend to get ready for a really long time and it only matters to them uh that's what i was referring to i'm doing like 80s hat comedy

over here i'm like ladies get ready i just can't you know no no i meant like uh obviously you guys know what i'm talking about but like the biological yeah let's say we're dating right that's okay and the children aren't even in my peripheral vision i'm not even thinking about children i'm like children what's that that changes everything though yeah all my girlfriends who were like my best friends growing up the second they and made all these you know we'll be friends forever the second they have a child it's like you're dead gone you can't reach them anyway i mean that's not totally true but they they have kids yeah you know what i mean it's like they have kids they got a family they don't give a shit about me and my theater i sold out they don't give a shit they don't even come to the shows

they they will if they can if they can get you know a babysitter and stuff are they worried the baby would catch it yeah honestly yeah no actually my girlfriends have kids they've we've been pretty good at staying in touch with each other but it just is a shift it's a huge shift and it's natural do you ever have to deal with husbands that are weird about it uh like are they ever like uh like all my bigoted husbands who are like nah we're not hanging around that dude the gay yeah no my girlfriends made it pretty clear from the beginning. I'm trying to think of one person I've hung out with that didn't like gays.

Especially with a gay dude, you would accept a husband who's gay. Yeah, all my friends, they wouldn't accept that. I don't know, I forgot about kids. It's so funny. It's never even thought that you did. I don't want children why you're a child you play video games you paint all the time it's like you'd be great i'm not

cleaning up my own shit i mean i can't rich now no you're selling out theaters you could hire somebody to do that that's true you just get to have fun with the kids play video games cousins make a great nanny real time you can get rid of best of both worlds. Import them. It's really best of both worlds. You can get rid of Nick and make your own. Hell wow. No, I... Do you want kids? Yes. I absolutely want kids.

You want kids too? So badly. I mean, it makes sense. You'd be a great... What is that term? Guncle? Is that it? I'd be a wonderful mother.

But I think... I actually would be a very good father, but I just don't want children. And you know what's funny is when you tell people that, because it's kind of like a thing you thought about. You're Italian and Mexican. Yeah. And you don't want children and you know what's funny is when you tell people that because it's kind of like a thing you're italian and mexican yeah and you don't want kids well someone has to stop us i mean there's so many gays in my family clearly god was like okay first of all we shouldn't be mixing with their powers combined anyway this is too much you know what i mean so he's like you're gay you're gay you're gay you're we gotta put an end to this this is my family's so crazy yeah my cousin's gay i'm gay my brother's gay my dad's real proud um yeah there's a lot of gays in my family yeah and he's like i think you're pretty much proven you have to prove you're straight in this family

before anything like we're all so fucking gay that's so weird that it's never even in the discussion into the closet yeah exactly yeah but like about kids it's just so interesting like that never even crosses your mind no because i just don't first i'm 35 like i've i've established a life that i like and also too it's i you know my favorite thing is when someone says to me do you want kids and i'm like no and then they follow up with well you know you can have them as if I was gonna be like Acquire a child if I wanted to I go to a lesbian Lesbians and gays often go to each other for children. It makes really Do it old-fashioned or do you know I think into a cup I think into a cup but it's $10,000 or whatever

Why not just get it off one time? I'm sure you've had sex in men lists. Yeah. Minutes ago. I have to be out at three for a pitch meeting. I actually do. I have a pitch at three. Sure. David Barton's gym.

More like a pitch meeting. Sometimes I'll have trade coming over. Trade is like a hookup, you know? And they'll be like, I'll be there at 3.45, and I'm on a phone with my manager. I'm like, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. They're telling me very important stuff. I'm like, that's great.

I gotta go. Wait a minute. Is trade that app that's not even an app? No, trade is just a term used for like a hookup, I guess. Oh, wow. Oh, you trade? Yeah, I've traded. So men are just men yeah yeah yeah like it's just like gay guys aren't any more in touch with like uh the opposite well i guess the people that they're interested in having sex with like you

objectify the exact same way you're calling them trade it's like us calling strange yeah some strange is coming over right we're just literally the same yeah isn't that so funny yeah i know and then i you know i and women are dividing us no women are smarter they've got the right idea no what are you saying makes sense i'm not no what he's saying is completely we should be locked we should be locked away you're talking about no he's just called he's just called asshole trade well i guess then i'm the trade no because here's what he's saying hold on god damn it thank you can you clarify i'm gonna do this shit for you sometimes yeah he's saying you would think gay dudes are like more emotionally evolved in the way that women are in the way that it's like relationships

mean more sex mean more and then we're like oh you're almost more it's almost more biological than emotional which is like he's biologically male so he fucks the way we fuck as opposed to emotion where he might be more evolved but he still fucks the way a dude's fucked like he's probably been the shoulder evolved that so many women have cried on that were treated like trade by dudes and then right after that you probably had some trade come over and then you just did your fucking thing yeah i mean it's almost like a like a like can someone stretch me out or crack it's like a Right after that, you probably had some trade come over and then you just did your fucking thing. Yeah. I mean, it's almost like a like a like can someone stretch me out or crack?

It's like a chiropractor. No, I think like women, you know, rightfully so have to be cautious of men. You know, I have this joke where I'm like the screening process for women versus men is so crazy to me because it's like I look at my women's phone, like my girlfriend's phone and women who talk to men like some of the some of the screening questions will be like do you have friends i assure you i have never asked anyone in my life if they have friends i don't care forget friends names secondly to me a screening process is if you know how to use good grammar i'll fuck you like if you know how to use a semicolon get in my colon i know that's valid that's true more both ways. That's what I'm saying. Right, right, right.

I should have got way more pussy than I did. But my cousin's like, you know, because sometimes I think Grindr should just be, the name Grindr should just be changed to murder me. I mean, what happened to being afraid of strangers coming into our homes? Okay. So a buddy of mine, I don't know if I can even use his name for this. Okay. He, gay dude, he said that there's this app.

It's not even an app. It's like you have to access it. Do you know what I'm talking about? You have to access it through a website, right? Yeah. It's like Manhunt. It's like back in the day with Manhunt. You just say, I'm in a Macy's bathroom.

Yeah. I want my dick sucked. Yeah. And you type that in. And then anybody else who's on the website that wants to suck dick and is in close proximity, it's like Uber Eats, right? No, it's almost like AOL chat rooms. I mean, it's like reverted way back.

But in real life, yeah. What is it called? Like, I keep thinking like Swizzle. That's not right. It's called Smelly Sniffies? Sniffies, I think, is what it's called. Okay. Something.

That was crazy, though. I could call my friend Nick and ask him. Scruff? Sniffies app. Sniffies app, not Scruff. So it is an app. I think you have to do it on your computer or something. crazy though i could call my friend nick and ask rough sniffy's app sniffy's app not scrub yeah so it is an app this he said i think you have to do it on your computer yes there's one you have to do on your computer i'm not sure that's the only way it's accessible and then literally a map pops up

and you can click the different things no different than like if you typed in um where's the nearest store or starbucks they just pop up on the map and you can choose the things you want to do google s google s yeah 100% that's unbelievable it was great and have you used that no i'm too fear-based okay that's yeah and and i keep getting reported for catfishing why because they think i'm not he's too hot man oh you're that you're that they're like oh mateo we love that's not that's a comedian you think you're so funny but and it got so bad that i messaged grinder on instagram i said hi i'm trying to get dick can you please stop flagging me they're like we're so sorry we'll make a note so now i can't get flagged anymore but everyone you know and then they'll be like

oh wait i see you're doing shows in town yeah nice nice yeah that's got to be the easiest way right prove yourself right there you're funny but then people like they'll like send me a picture of you holding up two fingers and like to prove it i'm like i don't have time i'm trying to get dick that's gotta make you feel really famous though that people are like this can't be the mateo lane you know what i mean and also you're so good looking mad people have been like like i can't go i can't get dick as me let me get dick as mateo and they use your picture to catfish people my wife has been catfish a couple times i'm like that's a high compliment yo meaning they used her picture to try to like with your wife's pics yeah yeah if anyone's using my picture to catfish you better work

that's great i love it thank you but that's why people are like yo this can't be the real mateo my pictures of me and my Speedo just like... Yeah, I've seen those. Can we look at your profile on Grindr? It's just all it says is my picture, and then it says I like pasta. That's it. My picture's on my Instagram. I can show you which picture it is.

It's a recent picture. Just one picture, that's it. Just one picture. Just me. And then if I want to say, like if I like someone we're talking... That seems a little catfishy, to be honest. I can say. Yeah.

There's no effort whatsoever. I like pasta. But but most people on ground don't even show their faces what'll just be torsos they never show their face and so it's like you'll see on profiles like face first must send your face show your face like people are discreet their dl they're on the download so they don't want to show their face and so you have to like you know like after however long you talk to him it's like please send me your face when i'm just talking to like the headless horseman question here about the dl stuff how do you get into it no uh about the deal is it worth hooking up with one of these like straight dudes who's on the dl and i asked that question because it's like

they don't have the hours in the fucking gym like if you're hooking up with a gay dude he's probably going to be good at it he's experienced he's experienced actually and you're doing this for like pure friction right i think it's the fantasy you know that's it so it's an emotional thing yeah i think people will be there has to be both parties who are sort of into this fantasy of breaking up a family i'm doing something yeah just destroying someone's life i'm not into someone who's like breaking up a family i'm doing something yeah just destroying someone's life i'm not into someone who's like i'm just screwed i'm on the deal i understand that but i'm also like i like you said i'm like i don't have time to do this thing anymore um but

and i don't actually don't even hook up that much a lot of times you really just have funny conversations or i met this guy who was from paris but he was living in seattle and we just like had a wonderful day and like got hot chocolate and spoke french and caught up with each other and you speak french too speaks every language son of a bitch you should be fucking everybody i'm telling you i'm on my i'm trying don't you don't have to have kids but you should impregnate a lot of people just pass those jeans on yeah spread it around i really want my grandpa i really wish you watched euphoria because i'm trying to get an understanding because i'm watching the show and i'm like fascinated by it you're dressed like you're in it right now i am i'm insane yeah also

i'm jewels oh yeah that's zendaya yeah uh but no i'm just like fascinated by like i i don't know if this high school is based on some reality or an exaggerated version of a reality, but the fluidity of gender and sexuality in the high school and how it's like completely not a big deal to these kids. Like, there are things that are a big deal to them, but people get in big fights and say mean things about one another. But gender and identity and sexuality never come up. Race doesn't come up right like it's now i'm like okay is this like a fantastical world that these kids are living in or is kind of like gender in certain parts of america is like gender and sexuality not even close to the binary that it was when we were growing up i think it's shifted well number one none of the they're supposed to be in high school yeah look at how they dress and look at the lighting.

Absolutely not. All of us had like teeth coming out of our fucking nose and one eyebrow. And I had an Adam's apple that entered the room before I did. These people are like in their early 30s pretending to be 16 year olds. Remember like Rizzo in Grease when like Stocker Channing was like on her last egg and she's like, I'm pregnant. You know, and it's like i'm pregnant you know and it's like all right honestly greece might be a better representation of high school than euphoria i don't watch euphoria yeah um i think the conversations i'm curious about gender and sexuality and so it's just evolved it's evolved into a way where younger generations not all but i think it's

moving into a place that's becoming uh just more accepting of fluid it seems like more fluid or at least kind of you know i think it goes back to like you know as a young gay person sort of feeling on the outside you're forced to observe a lot so you observe everybody else sort of playing by the script right because it's all sort of presented for you this is how you live this is how you grew up this is who you marry this is your job and so me as a little kid watching thinking but i don't fit here but once i saw ellen that was the first gay person i ever saw on tv uh it opened up a possibility so i think now that like you open up instagram and everyone's everything and everyone can express themselves any way they want to that people don't have to feel so restricted in this like straight

jacket of how society is trying to keep them labeled and moving them along the script so i don't think it's like suddenly kids are just more crazy than they've ever been i just think they have the possibility of seeing themselves represented in a larger way that they hadn't seen before and i think it's a good thing yeah yeah i didn't think it was like making them society's making them any different i just thought they looked at it so differently like they don't they oh definitely not seeing race it seems like based on this show and talking to chifty a little bit like they really don't care about race like he said like you'll never be like oh i have a crush on this black girl jessica they're like i have a crush on jessica and then it just seems like

they approach gender in a much more fluid way than we did sexuality in a much more shocking it could be a show and it's also written by adults yeah who are trying to with a vested interest in progress right so yeah you know you talk to a lot of kids who grow up in the city is that how they talk you know what i mean maybe not i don't know or kids who grow up in rural areas is that how they talk again i don't know he went to high school in california but chifty's 19 he said he had like three kids in high school that went through gender reassignment surgery it was just another thing nobody cared it's like all right that's cool he had this name before now she has this name yeah yeah it was just i don't know watching it it was i felt like meanwhile i was doing a show

card getting called a faggot things are not fair fair. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not happy. All right? And I hate this. You bled for this, bro. I did. I did. Not the gonorrhea. It's always like you see like a seven-year-old with purple hair talking to the human rights campaign.

They're like, my struggle coming out. I'm like, you piece of shit. Yeah. Go home, turn off the lights and listen to Madonna and cry like the rest of us. Yeah. Do you? Is there like, that's interesting like do you have resentment because the future generations are going through struggles that aren't the same

that you went through or is it like that's generation awesome every person of anyone it is a generational thing you have this thing that i didn't have so i'll be mad about it so this is i don't know if you're like a basketball fan at all, but like a basketball fan. Girl, look at the outfit you're wearing. Do you think I like basketball? I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt, okay? You can feel your balls right now, and you're trying

to seriously ask me a question. If I watch basketball, you answered your own question. I love that to be nasty when you wear a shirt that says top on it. That's awesome. It says bazooka. Yeah.

There were. Bubblegum. This is how you show support for Ukraine. Bazooka. Look, there's a. Oh, I just got it. Yeah. Dude, Putin sucks. All right.

There you go. Sorry. Go ahead. No. So all these NBA players love to talk about how these guys that are playing in today's game would have never been able to do it never been able to cut it in their game back in the day the game was too rough etc and i think that speaks to what you're talking about is that everybody has this little maybe tiny bit of resentment that like the future

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good point. It's actually because last night I downloaded the Marvel Unlimited so I can read all the old comic books and sometimes skill versus You getting money, huh? You getting money, huh? $60 a year. Damn, bro. Okay, Michelle, I see you. Please find me a husband. Marvel Unlimited? money huh you gave money dollars a year my type is a hot man that hates me okay so um he might be listening for the

record you might have a husband i really think andrew you could find me a husband you saved my career i got you saved your career criteria for a husband um usually how many inches? Just say the inches. God damn this motherfucker. It's not even going anywhere.

Why is it going to be so far? I know. But then he's never that far if it's eight. Just walking around the house like elephants? Pretty much. Well, it's just one of us. Yeah, I'll just be hanging on to him. In case know in case i need to be saved in case there's a fire escape from a prison together i need a home deep i need a swiss army knife

attached to my man usually but my my man is like uh muscular needs a green card so um yeah fake mexican motherfucker dude i'm all i'm irish mexican italian that's my trifecta yeah and i'm also the most catholic mix in the world yeah i feel guilt for everything when it rains i'm like something i did but um but but uh oh so what i'm saying to you is i think to go back to your point what point were we making i remember you were saying basketball stars oh yeah yeah yeah basketball stars look at younger generational resentment that's right time change yeah yeah sometimes generational resentment i feel when it comes to skills so the arts and sports yeah is a different

type of quote-unquote resentment than uh cultural phenomenons right so like people in the 50s watching their kids in the 60s have a type of resentment for the types of freedoms that they had to express themselves right yeah yeah however i do think when it comes to skill i think generationally we may be not getting better in certain areas so like i was i was reading i mean just things like singing things like acting things like you know these things i don't feel they're getting better i feel that we are trying to trying to replicate what we've seen but we're not actually growing not a lot of innovation this doesn't feel does it feel like a lot of innovation or does it feel like complete nostalgia it feels like there's a lot of nostalgia and i think that that's a function at least in entertainment of uh of movies becoming

so expensive to make and you can't take as many risks i really do feel powerful in this chair this jacket um i was reading right i was reading comic books last night look at that like this is great right it's so great he falls right into it hey you're gonna be knee deep in puss by the end of today bro yikes okay uh i'm sorry to all those women that i will disappoint please forgive me now um they're used to it one day you're right you know at least we'll be laughing with each other um but i was reading a jim lee x-men comic book last night and i was looking at the drawings and i could not get over how good they were and comic books today just don't live up to the same technical quality of those comics and i i don't know anything about

sports so i don't know how sports are played now versus then maybe that's completely different but artwork to me seems to be in a weird place where there's not a lot of innovation and there's not a lot of care about the craftsmanship everything is about sort of the production producers music it's about the producer you know we were talking about mariah carey earlier and none of you believed me that she writes all of her own music yeah so that means she has a five octave vocal range she sings as good as whitney houston and she writes all of her own music and she looks like that today all that matters is who's the producer yeah because you'll be auto-tuned anyways the songs are all sort of homogenized and it doesn't really matter

unless you're like the rare like jennifer hudson and or adele the voice or ariana grande who actually is very very talented yeah um you know those are not the qualities that people care about anymore because everything's about the quick fix so i do feel like in the arts we're sort of lacking you know and the public too people who go see shows and so it's not as a we're not as a strict of audiences as we used to be in other words audiences to come and they used to be hypercritical and that was an exchange with not just the audience but with the artists as well it kept the artists good and kept the audience good and that fran lebowitz talked about this how everything has been sort of broadened she saw she she said that everything's become broadened to the sense where it's like simplified for

basically midwestern tourists who don't care to see them don't care to see anything but themselves reflected so it's like of course mamma mia is going to be a hit because you don't have to think could it also just be that there's so much more content and so much more access to content you don't have to be as selective like when there's 10 things coming out a year it better be fucking good right when i can go on tiktok and i'm looking at an infinite number of videos i don't need your thing to be as good because i got something right here that'll that's fine i think i think for sure it might be a function of capitalism man yeah what makes the most money and once you get into like professional entertainment you know if it's like um what do they say you know in the olympics or even like college sports

like these people are doing it for the love of the game and the game looks more beautiful or whatever it is right and once you go to broadway it's like hey we got seats to fill i saw the lion king is gonna fill seats i saw the share i've only seen two broadway shows ever yeah i mistakenly saw cats the worst one they tweeted at me you've only seen two broadway plays yeah and you're a musical theater kid. I'm an opera kid. But when I came to New York, all I did was stand up. I didn't do anything but stand up. I didn't date. I didn't drink.

I didn't go out. I just did stand up. I did open mics. It was a Friday or Saturday. How many musicals have you seen? Two. I saw Cats and The Cher Show. Have you ever seen any Broadway plays, like not musical?

No. Are we going to be the first ones to take Mateo? Dude, can we, like... Can we see The Lion King? Yes, dude. Really? We're going to make you gay. We're going to actually make you a real gay person, dude.

Well, you know... It's not just fucking. There's way more to gay culture... We're going to do gay conversion therapy to make you gay. Yeah, we're converting you. I would love to take you guys to a drag show. No, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, okay.

We're making you gay. Okay, got it. Okay, because what do you do? You play video games all gay. Yeah. We're converting you. I would love to take you guys to a drag show. No, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, okay. We're making you gay. Okay, got it. Okay, because what do you do? You play video games all day. Yeah. Straight. Okay? You get your dick sucked.

Straight. You get gonorrhea. Not married, but straight. Okay. No, actually, these are all very good. Let's think of other things that he does. Gun shirts. You've got gun shirts.

Comic books. You like comic books. You like comic books. You do stand-up comedy all the time. Uh-huh. You're really a straight kid yeah i came here today to uh and you got your most straight accent yeah we're gonna make you gay bro okay we're gonna take you to broadway play yes what do you want to see more than anything

um i would love to i've never seen like book of mormon or lion so straight book so straight mormon's amazing are fun time but that's what the straight people go to you see what these straights like just believe yes dude okay we'll go see you gotta go wicked we will go see wicked what is the most oh rant obviously but we're not gonna do that's too hacky well rent is also i felt like cats because cats i got tweeted at by cats this is back when i had twitter and they were like mateo come see cats for a perfect night and i thought right there you should have been now you should i know well i messaged him i was like what is going on because you know the blue check and

everything said oh it's gay night at cats we want you to come i said every night is gay night yeah there was no night that is not gay cats so i went with my friend alfredo and i just thought it was so funny i went with someone named alfredo, Alfredo and milk to go see cats. But I like pasta. That's what you said. I do. I love, I do love pasta. And we went and saw, and it was humiliating.

Like, you know, I just can't imagine these actors like, cause they come, I have to pee all the time. So I sat in the aisle and these actors come through the aisle dressed up as cats and they don't look like cats. They look like they have Hep C and they are just like, there's the guy was singing to me just like right in my face as a cat and the face that i'm trying to make is like like i like it and then i saw the share show which instead of focusing on one moment in share's life which would have been the smart thing to do right like focus on the 70s right when she left sunny and how she became share right yeah no the share show they're doing her whole life she's 77 they fast forwarded oh my god they

blew through this woman's life so quickly and at one point sunny was yelling at share and he was like sheriff you leave me i'm going skiing good sunny um but he jim you leave me america will never love you again and the woman behind me literally goes so i was like these are the worst but but stephanie j block did share she was performing a share and she was incredible i saw a production of wicked when i was 18 oh you've seen it already in chicago okay now let's see something you haven't seen lion king was really cool i was young when i saw it but Hamilton? Hamilton's great. Dude, Hamilton was fire. Hamilton sounds great.

Oh, Hamilton's fire? Aladdin? Say what? I thought you said... He hates Hamilton, yo. He's a hater. This guy's a hater. I thought it was great.

He's a hater, dude. I'm a hater of the fans that think they love rap music just because they heard a bunch of people on Broadway. Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo. Cap. Cap. That's true. Super cap right now.

I said I hated that you liked Hamilton. No, what did you say it was? It was, uh, what was it for rap? All these people were like, oh, I'm not gonna give away my shot.

He said it's red hot chili pepper. He's like, give it away, give it away, give it away. What are you even doing? People would be like, bro, I love rap music now, dude. I would listen to Lin-Manuel Miranda.

I'm like, what is this? Who the fuck? Nobody said that ever. All the people, we love america now we love the money system now there are good things that are in this play okay did you need to put some respect on i feel like we should go see like the lion king i know that sounds hack but like no it's not hack but like it's fucking unbelievable yeah that's what i want to

see yeah and i want to recognize i didn't like it as much as book of mormon or hamilton okay book of mormon is more sophisticated it's funny is beautiful. Yeah. Like the, what is it? The choreography. Can I sit next to you guys and make jokes? Of course. What do you think we're going to put you somewhere else? I don't know. We're going to get a box.

Yeah. And we're going to get silly in that fucking box. Okay? You thought we were going to sit with the plebs? Yeah. You think there's a straight section? Dude, we're making you gay. Okay?

Box seats. I got kicked out of the Nutcracker. Wait, why? My cousin and i went he's also gay and we were laughing so hard we got into a fight with people next to us and security's like you're gonna have to leave i was like you're right in new york yeah at the new york city ballet apparently it's like a huge deal to be in the dating it is really big yeah yeah yeah yeah i'm actually a little offended i was i was dating a ballerina disrespect to the arts and he's like do you want to come see me in the Nutcracker?

Did you call him a ballerina? What? No, he was with... What do they call? A balleriner. I think we just call him gay. I think we just call him gay. Balleriner is a very funny, underrated line.

No, I wouldn't say it. Don't bait me. Don't bait me. Now I feel like as I'm wearing this, I can't say it. You can't say it. It feels a little bit more homophobic. But me, I'm about to let her rip, dude. You look great.

I've been thinking about Broadway that I don't like, because I really don't like this new sound of the Broadway singer. Where it's all in my nose. It's all in. Like, they're used to the Broadway. It used to be like more open and warm. And now it's always this. Like this affectation.

It is that, yo. What do you think? I don't know. I think it started with Wicked. You should be able to have a better idea than me. Because I remember in Nessa, I got something to confess. I haven't seen Wicked. I know the little soundtrack of Wicked. Oh yeah, we're not going to Wicked then. Do they have a Harry Potter musical?

I saw it. The MJ musical? The what?, no. Do they have a TMJ musical? The what? Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson. What else we got? I mean, Book of Mormon is fantastic. It's really good. I feel like we've decided on Harry Potter, though, yeah?

No, no. I would love Harry Potter. I mean, I'm sorry. Lion King. Why don't we just do a musical? How hard is that? Can we please do a musical? I'll play Andrew.

I've been in one. That's a great idea. I think we should. Can we please do a musical? I'll play Andrew. I've been in one. That's a great idea. I think we should. Can I be Charlemagne? Yeah. Yeah. If a black guy can be Hamilton, you can be Charlemagne. We got to do that.

Are you waxed? No. What famous black story can we just have all white people play? Oh. Underground Railroad. Harry Tubman. Harry Tubman. I think that we should do an all-white version of harry i think that would be misconstrued i don't think you know my friend

bob the drag queen wants to write a musical but you should see meet bob bob the drag queen he's one of the best comics i've ever seen i want to see him he has a special on amazon he's like in an orange caftan and he's a drag queen he won drag race he's my best friend and he is undoubtedly one of the best stand-up comedians that i've ever seen really and it's so drag queen he won drag race he's my best friend and he is undoubtedly one of the best stand-up comedians that i've ever seen really and it's so funny because like people just associate him only for um drag right but if you saw him andrew i'm telling you as a comic to a comic to a comic where can i see him um he's touring a lot i mean he does theaters around the world like he's that international superstar yes okay but he's he's

filming in his third season of their hbo show but when he comes to yeah next time he's in new york yeah we should go we're in the same city yeah let's go check him he is first comic i ever saw live was in drag who the british guy eddie is i believe eddie is a trans well at the time he would he would be in drag and i think right now he's said actually this whole time i am right i think he was called a transsexual back then i believe the transvestite meaning that might have been an old term yeah i think that's i think that's the older term and i don't know when they stopped using that yeah i mean i was a kid it was at the blue note yeah oh that's amazing and my mom took me i had no clue really what was going on my mom's scottish and i

think she was just like oh this, this British guy is really funny. But that was the first person I saw do it live and just killing in this jazz club. Blueno is actually a great room for stand up when you think about it too. I've actually never been inside. Yeah. It's kind of, it has like a village underground kind of vibe, just like intimate. But it was the first person I saw doing it. And it was weird even at that young age.

Like I thought it was, I think I thought it was funny that there was a man dressed as a woman. You were laughing for the wrong reasons. No, no, no, no, no. I thought it was i think i thought it was funny that there was a man dressed as a woman you were laughing for the wrong reasons no no no no i thought it was i had jokes no no i thought it was funny like i just i was like as a kid you just find these like if my dad wore like a spider-man costume once i was like oh it's my dad but he's dressed as spider-man like i thought it was funny but then i noticed and i'm like young young i don't even know why i was allowed to be there but then i was like oh these people find what he's talking about funny. And I remember being like young going like, oh, I want to be on the inside of this joke. Like what's like I understood that the outfit was one thing.

And then what he was joking about was something completely separate. Right. Like it wasn't like a gimmick because Eddie will just dress like that and then talk about like history and culture and that kind of stuff. And I remember like there are two distinct memories I have as a kid where I felt on the outside of something I really wanted to understand. One, before I knew how to read, I saw my friend reading. And he was just looking at a book. And I looked at it and I saw the words. And I was like, this is so fucking annoying that I see all these fucking words.

What? And I can't fucking read them. This is the plot of Frankenstein. Is it really? Yes. Get out of here. I i remember being in a taxi the monster looks through the window he's like man i wish i could read get out of here and then the kid teaches the fucking frankenstein well you're the monster i'm the monster yeah oh that's right frankenstein is the doctor the monster yeah and i remember looking at that book i was like i really want to do that and i remember seeing eddie izzard up at the blue note and making all these people laugh and going like, fuck, I really wish I understood why everybody's laughing.

And I just didn't know enough about whatever he was talking about to do it. So yeah, I'm curious about Bob. It's interesting because prodigies, also Friendly Boots talks about it, is you can have prodigies in sports, music, acting, but not writing. And writing and comedy are hand in hand because you have to live in order to reflect on experience. Yeah. So you can't just be taught how to do it. Or you can be taught how to tumble, play piano, act, do all these things.

Writing, no. So you never see children prodigies. In terms of writing. Because they're not experiencing enough. Huh, I'm trying to think. I remember when we were younger. Do you remember that book that came out? It was called, say that?

No, no, no, 13. Do you remember this? There was like some young, like it was a private school kid, I think was like reflecting on. The movie. They made a movie about it later. Was it with Jodie Foster?

I'm thinking of something else. Evan Rachel Wood and. Oh, not at all. I'm thinking of something else. Evan Rachel Wood? Oh, not at all. I'm thinking of Panic Room. Sorry, go on. I don't know. I'm just trying to think. Yeah, that kind of makes sense.

I think that's, and we talk about this a lot, but with comedy, there's very few great young comics. Yeah. We know people that are funny and they're young. You can get funny quickly. But if you look at like iconic comics like eddie murphy was young and funny and he was an absolute superstar outside of eddie maybe like freddie prince or something like that yeah but like you want to talk about like the mount rushmore these people were older joan joan prior carlin even chapelle started like

16 but you didn't see a special till like 27 28 even chapelle where he is now is after the sketch show and then other specials right it's just like having that that wisdom and having that life to reflect on and having that experience allows other people to tap into this emotion that they're feeling but they don't know how to articulate well it's like leveling up right or it's like any kind of art form you have to build a skill set in order to truly express yourself and they do go hand in hand but you know we see ourselves i believe that we see ourselves on stage and it takes years to get to the to that vision right because you want to try and eliminate as many things as you can between your brain and

what's happening on stage same with drawing i see what i want to draw but it took me years to get enough muscle memory and technique to not think about that anymore so that's comedy is kind of the same way yes you can get funny really quickly but who you know who cares it doesn't mean anything there's there's a withdrawing is quite interesting i think that that parallel is good because i i would look back at like old jokes i want to do like first notebooks and the premises or just the ideas were just as solid yeah i just didn't have the skill set to pull them off and i started to learn that and i'm sure that's what you're imagining when you're painting something you're like i want this tree or this character to look like this and then you start and you're like fuck it doesn't look like it yet and then 10 15 20 years later you learned how to do the shading to create somebody's cheeks and

bones and all these other kind of structure and that is stand-up yeah my first my first stand-up notebook just says liza minnelli again and again and it's come true you figured out how to do the lisa minnelli joke no i just i'm just fully lisa minnelli at this point he manifested yes um i you know what's so funny we're talking about like looking at a book when you were a kid and wanting to read it did i ever tell you that i have synesthesia yeah he told me this is insane i told you we talked about this this is where you like you see colors he said it so casually yeah feel color like a number of color or some shit like that yeah yeah yeah yeah this is where you could like smell these colors except miles dude i don't know if you've seen new euphoria we don't see color anymore at all dude like

i'd never make it we don't believe in color you know but he said it to me shitting on i think it was kanye said he has synesthesia and he was like big fucking deal i didn't make a genius i have synesthesia and i was like explain this explain this as synesthesia it's a man it's different for each person but it's when your brain is developing you have senses and as your brain develops they split well for people with synesthesia, those senses overlap. So they cross wired. So you have unprovoked association to, for me, it's letters and number. They all have a color to them. So every letter has a color and every number has a color to it. So when I was little and I'd read, everything was just color. And even music has color to it. So like the number five. It's like dark. It's not quite blue, but it's the darkest color. Eight number five is like dark it's not quite blue but it's the darkest color eight and five are the darkest color i have 12 that's like white red because two is red so four is bright

because it's yellow 18 it's like dark very dark gray on the left side and then dark black on the right side and then 19 brightens up because 19 is orange and then 20 is red so it starts to brighten up so is this how you know dudes are legal 18 is a little gray area here we go orange 19 i don't go below 25 is that true oh a mess interesting yeah i heard it's not as looked down as upon if uh gay dudes sleep with like a little bit underage guys uh it sounds like scrutinized in the in the community it's almost like a 16 year old dude like banging his female teacher i mean i saw a man in his early hundreds the other day walking around with some twink who probably just turned 19 and i thought good for them both they're both getting what they want out of this yeah you know the smartest man in the world daniel

tammit that he has what you're talking about he remembered pi to 22 000 places and the way he described it was like if you looked at like watercolors of mountains and blah blah it's like the colors and the dips the valleys and the tops allow him to remember it that much yeah that's how i learned languages so quickly he had because 11 languages yeah the languages it was so easy to learn languages because especially with romance languages you just start seeing the same color pattern so i'd hear the same color right and i would know what they were asking interesting so crazy so impressive you speak languages better when you were high i don't really haven't gotten high that much smoke weed ever no interesting i know i look at because i have those like dopey italian eyes so i always

look high but i'm like stone sober interesting yeah. Yeah, you're very straight edge. Gay edge. Sorry. Thank you. Well, no. Not today. That's right. So weird. Last time I was here, I was in a tank top and you were in a dress.

Now, I'm sitting here. Wait, what did you wear? I wore the shawani for Robbie's wedding. Oh, fuck. That's so funny. Yeah.

Yeah, man. Yeah, I don't know. We've all evolved. I see why you sit like this. I watch y'all's show all the time. Isn't it comfy? I really watch your guys' show all the fucking time. It's great.

Thank you, guys. Thank you guys so much for supporting us, everybody at home. Have I been an okay guest today? You're the best, dude. I always worry about being a bad guest. We're supposed to do 30 minutes, and we're at 60 minutes. 30 minutes? Do you want to do one round?

Oh, yeah. What is this it's a group um we're gonna see you you've claimed so far that uh you have all these special gifts synesthesia things like that gifts like i'm like like i'm an x-men yeah we're gonna test your reflexes okay so here i'll set this up i cover my asshole. When you push the button in the middle, the color's going to light up, and then it's going to change colors. If you're the last person to push the button

after it changes colors, it's going to shock you. Okay. But if you push the button before it changes colors, it will shock you. Okay. I got it right when it changes the color. That's correct. Who's got the best reflexes?

Okay, go. All right, so push the button in the middle. What the fuck happened? Did you really shock you that bad yeah the color popped up do i fucking synesthesia does it happen that quickly does it hurt that badly you push you're not supposed to push the button you told me push it before another color no i thought you push it when the color is blinking the As soon as the color changes, you push the button. Thank you, I'll touch. Oh, you push before you get shocked. If you push last, you get shocked.

Oh, my God. Okay, let's try again. Did it hurt that bad? The fucking thing hurt, dude. I didn't agree to this. Okay, let's go. You felt worse. All right, all right.

I have. Yeah. Ooh. You went early. You went early. Did he go early? Is that what happened? I don't know.

I don't know what happened. I thought I did it when the color changed. It went from red to green. So I hit it when it turned green. I would just let it run. Let it run for a while. Okay. Do you guys know the fucking game?

I don't think you know. You fucking idiots. You fucking idiots. Why don't you hold this and explain it at the same time? Yeah. What the fuck are you doing, dude? I've been waiting for this. Yeah, get in here.

Okay, go. Well, I can't see nothing, though. I'm going to let... Go. No, no, you been waiting for this, yeah get in here. Okay go. Well I can't see nothing though. I'm gonna let... Go. No no you're in. No, I'm watching you. No, fucking go.

Ah ha ha! Fuck! But you hit it first! Let's go, that's good. Now we know how to do it. Are you guys trying to shock the game out of me? One, two, three. Yeah.

Pussies! Pussies! Pussies! You explained this wrong. Pussies! Pussies! All three of y'all. Pussies. You explained this wrong. Pussies. All three of y'all. Pussies.

This was expensive. How did all three of us get shot? Wait, really? Yeah. Because I got it first. Alright, this is a fun game. Yeah, this is good. Do you feel more straight? Do you feel like you're like pussy? Have we shocked it out of you? This is what straight dudes do. This is less aggressive than Hungry Hungry Hippo. I'll tell you that much.

My hand feels funny. Do the Catholics want to talk about Lent at all? Oh yeah! What is this? Where's your ash? I guess I've given up dick based off this outfit. Put some ash from the candle wick onto Mark's forehead.

I'm going to Mass after this. Do you want me to sing Ave Maria? Put some ash from the candle wick onto Mark's forehead. I'm going to mass after this, but... Do you want me to sing Ave Maria? Yes! Pass me my phone. Light the candle. I'll sing some Ave Maria.

Do we have any music I can sing? Ave Maria instrumental music I can do this to? You can sing an acapella, right? All right, I can sing an acapella. All right. Ave Maria Grazia plena Maria

Don't even come near me. Ave Maria Plena Maria I'm good. There are playing. All right. Come on. I'm good. There you go. Okay, what are we giving up?

You're supposed to do it with palm leaves. Yeah, I know. Not a Yankee candle. This episode is brought to you by a Yankee candle. It's like pumpkin spice on your forehead. Okay, bet. This is symbolic that we all come from dust and we're going to go back to dust. Okay. I like that. This is symbolic that we all come from dust and we're gonna go back to dust. Okay?

Oh, I like that. I came from pussy. And you'll never go back to pussy. Mateo, listen, we have to wrap up. We went far longer than we thought we were gonna go because we love you so much.

Absolutely love you. Every single one of you. Tell everybody where they can see you. I know that you're already killing it and selling out these shows, but let them know where you're going to be and tell them where they can follow you

and sell them all the good stuff. We're very excited for you and all the great things happening. So happy for you. And Asshole Army, thank you so much for supporting. A very good man, Mateo Lane,

deserves your support. So it's great that y'all are out here. Grazie. Grazie tutto. All right. So if you're in Chicago, we sold out the first show. I'm doing the Park West. Grazie. Grazie tutto. All right. So if you're in Chicago, we sold out the first show. I'm doing the Park West.

800 seats. Hell yeah. That's a lot for me. Hell yeah. But it's, so we added a second show and it's almost sold out. So it's March 25th.

So if you can make it, it's the same night. It's a 1030 show. Come Vancouver, April 7th to the 9th, Detroit, April 22nd, 23rd.

And then the rest is sold out to the manor. But go to MateoLaneComedy.com. I love it. And I hope to see you all there. This is great. Asshole Army, Mateo Lane, Instagram, Mateo Lane. Check out his shit. Share it.

Thank you so much. Thank you, everyone.