Andrew Schulz's Flagrant with Akaash Singh - How To Slut Whisper w/ Kirill

Episode Date: February 7, 2020

This week Andrew and Akaash are joined by the "Slut Whisperer", Kirill! They discussed: launching your own merch site, how to make green food coloring, pouring milk on women at the club, getting fingered in a club, someone sucking a tampon for likes, and much more. INDULGE!!! Want an extra episode every week? Become a Patron! www.Patreon.com/FLAGRANT2

now when you're pouring these things on fat girls do you catch them eating them ever or do you know how hungry i am at the club like i someone brought me gravy where you were there right the gravy part thanksgiving and then we're having a fat girl brought me gravy and i was like i don't even want to pour this i started like i was like i'm starving and i was like drinking the gravy at the party that's the that's more disgusting than pouring something on a fat woman. Did you try pouring it on her?

I can eat like a peasant any day of the week. Yeah. Have you ever tried pouring that on a fat girl though? What? Gravy? Yes.

Yeah. I poured it on her but I also tried What kind of noise did they make? Mmm. So I know that the clubs know what they're signing up for when they have you come through,

but not always. Oh really? Yeah. Because there's a lot of outside promoters and then the club finds out what they booked. And it's just like, either I've gotten canceled. I've had like,

I love any press for this shit. Cause it's, it's like, it's gotta be good for you dude anytime I get a party shut down it's hey thank god I still get paid

I don't have to go to that shitty town and I've got a press article it's always Canada always Canada why is it always Canada they one time printed Slut Whisperer

banned in Halifax in a newspaper I'm like can you just send me that that's just like that's like an why were you banned because I

treat women like shit. And I'm a misogynist. Halifax is a bunch of fucking fathers who leave their wives. Like, what are they talking about? Wait, is it? Yeah, that's what Nate McIntosh told me. He's from Halifax. Yeah, they also fucking redneck.

They're Canadian hillbillies. They're hillbillies. Wherever he grew up. I think it's Halifax, Nova Scotia, right? They're hillbillies, yeah. It's just a bunch of fucking... All my friends had no father growing up. Bunch of no dad having ass kids.

Really? Yeah. That's what they get for being in their own time zone, too. Oh, really? They're the only time zone 30 minutes ahead of New York. Wow. They just did 30 minutes? They would do that.

You knew that fucking 30 minutes? Yeah, they're like, we're right there. To get away from your fat wife? I'll be there at 8, man. I'll be there at 8.30. Do you ever have couples coming yeah that's weird

I mean the wildest story is the fucking Hoboken story wait what happened in Hoboken that's when I almost lost my entire career before Slut Whisperer

oh go go go go go go go go go I used to do this party in Hoboken can you just send us voice notes as you think of crazier stories next week

you're gonna be like yo you know what else yeah I have like PTSD I'm like oh shit that happened I forgot it's triggering it this party in Hoboken easiest party I've ever done it's fucking 10 minutes from my house sports part tons of hot jersey girls it's amazing Hoboken's great very slept on place

it's fucking it used to be good. Not anymore. Not after this night. Like this dude comes over and he's just a little like, you know, when the guy just shakes your hand a little, like, you're like, yeah, okay. A little aggressive. Like, bro, I don't, you know, you're fine. You can be the alpha in this situation.

Like, and he's like, this is my wife. Can we do some shots? And I'm like, all right, this guy's already too aggressive. And he's at the table. I'm like, fine, take some shots and I'll see you later. He's like, my wife wants champagne. I'm like, it's 930, sir. Like, we're going to get to it.

Party gets fucking cracking. Everything's good. I stand up on the bar because like girls will jump up there and we'll pour champagne. It's just like everyone can watch. It's a sports bar. This dude like clears the crowd, picks up his wife and throws her on the bar. That's odd.

Takes off her clothes. She takes off half her clothes and he starts fingering her. Like you're a customer waiting. You're a bartender. She's right here, legs spread in front of you. And you're like, I'd like,

like all of this is happening, you know, and it's Hoboken, right? Probably 50% of my fans and 50% are just like wandered into a bar in Hoboken. And they're like, what did I just walk into? Like club shut down the next day, lost their liquor license, everything. The mayor of the town said it was an abomination to human decency. I mean. I was like, my career's over, right? My career's over because the article the next day,

sexual assault in New Jersey nightclub. Oh, boy. Did it say, was it subheading, Kirill was here? It was, I was in the article. A Kirill's, Kirill's slut whisperer party. I don't think they mentioned my name yet. It's all like, I'm like, all right, right i gotta go in hiding what's going on it gets bad when my mom's like why'd i hear your name on 10 10 wins whoa yeah and she's like she's like carill you know

i have like a real job like i don't need people coming in be like we heard your son's name on 10 luckily i had to sit on the information for so long because it was like litigation and stuff no it's like i knew shit that no one else knew but i wasn't going to speak out until it came out on its own finally came out they were married so the sexual assault shit kind of went away right it kind of became not like some guy fingered a random girl yeah it's like all right married couple out of hand. And then the thing that saved me and erased me from all of the stories is cop from Pennsylvania. Wow.

And it instantly became like indecent cop. This is how they're acting. Morals. My name's gone. It's not like, what did Kirill do? It's kind of like, Hey,

like shit happened, dude. I had a party in Canada and this kid's like, I'm too young. How is this not the story? You were talking about fucking milk? I'm honestly so disappointed with what you think crazy is.

It was blue food coloring. No, but like in St. Patrick's. Well, you know, I have a shitty memory. I have a shitty memory. When you did that, why didn't you just pour yellow food coloring and just make the green? I was shit-faced. Probably should have done that. Just mix't remember. When you did that, why didn't you just pour yellow food coloring and just make the green? I was shit-faced.

Probably should have done that. Just mix the two. Yeah. Also, he's not gay and knows how to make green out of food color. What the fuck just happened? That's like the first thing they teach you in like first grade. Thank you for the yellow mixed green. Thank you for deflecting the roast.

Dude, that was nuts. I appreciate the tag. Did you just tell us how to make green out of colors, bro? That's the first thing I would think about. You won't pay for pussy. Will you pay for dicks and buttholes for guys? Every day. Holy shit.

You probably learned that in a painting class where you took a big stick of fucking. Okay, go on. Tampons. Tampons. So you pulled this tampon out of the girl. I was at dinner with a bunch of fangirls because I'm like, if it's a shitty town, I don't know anyone. And people would DM me like, hey, we're going to pregame. I'm like, fuck it.

Let's go see how the locals do it. Yeah. And I went drinking with these girls. And one of them. Where were you? Red Lobsters? Dude, I don't even know. I was in Canada.

So it's 18 a drink or 19 a drink. And this kid runs up to me on the street outside the club. He's like, I just want to make it on your story. And I can't get in. Is there something we can do and the girls i was with one of them at dinner mentioned she was on a period and i was like will you lick her bloody tampon and she took it out in the parking lot and he sucked on it he did not suck on it i have the video show us the video in front of me but i will get it to you oh my god yeah put that on the page that's so much fun like being if that to me is way more fun than like the

party because getting people to do dumb shit is hilarious now what i what i need to understand is how they put up with your lifestyle or how you put up with their reaction to your lifestyle? Well, it's not easy to have a history of failed relationships. So obviously it didn't work out. It's hard for comics to explain their lifestyle. Yeah. For girls. Really difficult.

We're out late and we're telling jokes. We're not pouring like Thanksgiving beverages on them. I mean, in the end, it was always like, hey, so let's pay for all the nice things you have here. So why don't we just like relax? Like this is the job. Like you knew what you were getting into, right? Like I don't really like surprise you with it. That works on your girlfriend? You knew what you were getting into?

That line works? That line really works? For what I do for a living? You say that line and then they go, I did know. For what I do for a living and then they go i didn't know for what i do for a living yeah that works okay yeah that's good to know i mean but like does that i mean that works that line works that works for you you knew what you were getting into every line works for me let me tell you something do you know how much you knew what you were getting into.

What? It doesn't... That doesn't work. Do you know what my girlfriend said to me? What if she says, can you not pour champagne on girls tonight? And be like, what do you want me to do that?

Let me tell you something. They say things. They say things like that. Oh, I know. And then I go, you knew what you were getting into. I said that once. And then my girl said this to me once she was like

oh did I I didn't know that when you put your arm around me when we were sleeping it would smell like shit because you were just scratching your butthole I don't know how that was she said basically saying I signed up for something else that I signed up

for things I didn't know that I signed up for wash your hands I still need to pay bills. Yeah, but she knew she was, she didn't know that, but she knew she was dating a comic. I was scratching my ass, to be fair. I just didn't think that she would smell it when I put my hand around. Is that what the fight is about? What?

Is that what the fight is about? That's not what the fight is about. Your argument to that was you knew what you signed up for, like, yeah, you should have lost that one. Okay. Your hands smell like shit, babe. You know what you signed up for. I didn't think lost that one okay your hands smell like shit babe you know what i signed up for i didn't think they smell like shit i i i did not think that they smell like shit i did like a little like i went like this and i smell your shit smells good maybe to me yeah that's the point yeah but i she she claims it woke her up she claims that i i went to cuddle in the middle of the night people that pass out this is the fight you wanted to have, and she started about your career

so that she would get you to wash your hands. And you know what? She's right about washing my hands, and I felt like I should have washed them. And I did agree with her on that. Yeah. See, if you turn this into a bit, then you could be, hey, this is for work, honey. You're welcome. Right.

You should have turned and be like, honey, I'm just going for material here. But here's the thing that Akash pointed out so beautifully is that our lifestyle can often be difficult to communicate, right? Yes. Babe, I got to go to Honolulu with the boys this weekend. You can't come because you have work. I would love you to be there. That's difficult, et cetera. We get through it.

You are doing things that no girl would ever accept. Right. And then you just say, you just say, what did you say? What was the line? You knew what you were getting into. You knew what you were getting into.

And then you're, you want me to believe that a woman, a woman with a woman's brain and from the Mediterranean, she's Greek. She's Greek, right? She's a nut. Your girl's Greek.

Greek and Italian. Well, get the fuck out of here, Kirill. You want, you want me to believe that a Mediterranean Greek woman, here's you go, you knew what you were signing up for, and then she goes, you're right, I didn't think about it like that.

Kirill, I should have thought about it like that. And then I would have understood it. Thanks for clearing that up. It kind of goes like that. That's how it goes? Yeah, yeah. And then what do they do? They just go, what?

They go back to bed? Yeah, we're fine. Hey, everything's good. Hey. Hey, girl, can you give me a reminder? What do you want me to do? You knew I poured champagne. Yeah.

You want to have this argument? Yeah. You're my girlfriend? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You be the woman. Cool. I'll be the woman. Chelsea, be the girlfriend.

Okay, yeah, yeah. When did you meet me? What? Three years ago. I met you three years ago, girl. At the height of all of this. Chelsea, be the girlfriend. Okay, yeah, yeah. When did you meet me? What? Three years ago. I met you three years ago. At the height of all of this, right? At the height of all of it, yeah. Where did you think I was going to stop?

I also thought you were going to keep more of your hair. Yeah, I thought so too. This is your fault. Why is it my fault? Because you're fucking giving me shit about my job. I don't go to your job. I'm not giving you shit about your job. When we met, you didn't

say that you love me. And you didn't say you want to share a studio apartment with me in Los Angeles along with a nice apartment in New York City. Yeah, how do you think I'd pay for that? By selling shirts online and other merchandise, not

pouring champagne on sluts and whores and hussies. I don't know. I dare you to tell me. What? What's in line again? You knew who you signed up for? Yeah, I dare you to tell me that, Kirill.

I dare you. And then I would just leave and go, I got to go to work and pour champagne on whores. So you'll just leave an argument. I have to go to work and pour champagne on whores so you would you'll just leave I have to go to work and what do they I feel like this is an argument that happens once every three years yeah

and that's it that's it it's over it's so good yo what's up this is Akash that was a preview of our Patreon episode

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