Andrew Schulz's Flagrant with Akaash Singh - Joe Rogan Wants SCHULZ For President?!

Episode Date: April 5, 2022

Flagrant 2 is a comedy podcast that delivers unfiltered, unapologetic, and unruly hot takes directly to your dome piece. In an era dictated by political correctness, hosts Andrew Schulz and Akaash Singh, along with AlexxMedia and Mark Gagnon, could care less about sensitivities. If it’s funny and flagrant it flies. If you are sensitive this podcast is not for you. But if you miss the days of comedians actually being funny instead of preaching to a quire then welcome to The Flagrancy. Join the Patreon Asshole Army: http://bit.ly/2xQwHYf #Flagrant2 #AndrewSchulz #AkaashSingh

If a comic ran for president, like... Zelensky. Yeah, in Ukraine, sure. But if a comic ran for president in America, I think Schultz could pull it off. I think Schultz could be president someday. America, land of the beautiful and Nancy Pelosi, I have an announcement.

I am running for president. I am tackling all the issues. Climate change needs a new mascot. No one wants to hear an autistic Ikea high school grad yapping about recycling. She can pick up litter, but not a social cue. Come on. When I'm president, I will replace Greta Thunberg with the girls from Euphoria so the sea levels won't be the only thing rising six inches.

Russia, Ukraine, don't send machine guns, send Machine Gun Kelly. Ukraine needs a man that spent some time in a foxhole. The economy. Americans have lost 10% of their wealth to inflation. My solution, hire cheaper labor. Nope, not illegal immigrants. Women. I'm about progress. Nope, not illegal immigrants. Women. I'm about progress.

Abortion? Mandatory. And can only be done by a licensed NRA member. They know how to get one out of the chamber. Wow. Wow. That's a lot. My citizenship?

There will never be a question where I was born. The USA, baby. Even if my nose looks like it was designed to exhale hookah. Critical race theory? Let Chris Rock teach it. And there's two sides. There's black people, and there's wrong joke. Whoever did that

is fired. Illegal immigration. How do we fix it? Wet t-shirt contest in the Rio Grande. Yeah, now we'll call them wet fronts. You're going to have to show more than a green card to cross this border because in America, we only accept the best of the breasts. So, my fellow Americans, I am here to serve you with integrity, honesty,

and the fake news that satisfies your emotions. I'm Andrew Schultz, the liar you can trust. Thank you very much. Thank you for all being here. I appreciate all of you. Thank you for getting dressed up. Are you down for it? I mean, I think we need the first real Indian vice president.

You are going to be my vice. Obviously. And that is a great point. Yeah. Kamala's not Indian enough. You know what? Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

I started a little group that I think could really get things moving. If you'd like to wear one, I have one. Andrew Schultz merch. Yes, you know. Hindus for Schultz. Hindus for Schultz. Hindus for Schultz. For a greater America. For a greater America.

Because look, you could say America great again. It didn't happen. It's not great enough. You can finish the job. For a greater America. I love that. For a greater America. Hesi for Prezi.

Hesi for Prezi. I love it. Alex, you obviously are my head of security. Miles, you just keep doing the pod. Just forever? We don't need you doing anything else. Even if we're not recording, I want you there three times a week. Just press and play and organizing cameras.

Dove has the most important job. Be Jewish. Yeah, also that. Secretary of Treasury is what you would think. But pollution is a big issue, so he'll just take his nose up in the air and suck up all the smoke. You really thought this out. You're a great vice president. I've been saying this for years.

You were president. I love it. Sure. It took Joe Rogan saying it one time. All of a sudden we're doing it. But whatever. Influence is influence, baby. I don't know what to tell you.

I'm doing this for the people. I'm not doing this for me. Hey, the people deserve it. They absolutely need it. This is it right here. You don't know what to tell you. I'm doing this for the people. I'm not doing this for me. Hey, the people deserve it. They absolutely do deserve it. They need it. This is it right here. You really are going to be my VP. Obviously, dude.

How would I not? Oh, this is great. What scares me is I feel like you think you actually could be president. I am going to be president. Like, we did this as a joke. Like, oh, yeah, we'll be funny. Yeah, stop being a joke about 30 minutes ago. Yeah.

It's actually concerning. I put the tie and blazer on. I was like, fuck all these losers. I'm going to be president. It's not going to be that hard. I don't want to be president, but I want to get to the debates. Oh, dude, you would smoke the debates. Debates would be fun.

At that point, you'll kill it and then you have to run. But I won't accept it. I will only accept dictator. Oh, that would be good, actually. So if they want me to be president, the negotiation becomes it is forever. As long as I'm alive. Life position. Life position as president.

You're going full Putin. Say again? You're going Putin. You know. We gotta get rid of these Nazis. You know what I mean? That's a good point. You think we got a chance? You think we can do it? No. Definitely not? Definitely not. What is definitely not?

Who's running? Who do I have to beat out? Who else is going to run? Say again. Trump's running against. You got to try to beat him. Okay. He could beat Trump in a debate. I could beat Trump.

100%. I don't think so. But Trump is funny, but Andrew's whole life is humor. Yeah, he's funny for a non-comic. Or whatever closet gay he's going to have run for vice president. I'll smoke that guy. That's nothing. Our gay versus their gay.

It'll be perfect. Yeah, I'm not much sassier gay you also wouldn't want to be president because if you win you have to move to DC no I don't no you don't try and prove

you don't have to do that but he lived in DC for a little like he had to be there sometimes no he would take vacations there yeah

he lived in Mar-a-Lago bro he lived in Florida I'm trying to get back to Florida yeah I would definitely move where I was I would Airbnb

the White House though that'd be fine. Absolutely. Absolutely. That's how we balance the budget. Are we in debt? You know what I'm saying?

Jersey Shore House is like $4,000 a night. Oh, Jersey Shore and the White House. Bring it back. Oh, I love that. 100%. I'm saying you'd get

$250,000 a night for the White House, no problem. Definitely. Easy. Definitely. Yeah, I like this. I don't think you've actually thought it up. I think rogan said it was a good idea and now you

think it's a good idea and you haven't thought what other endorsement i don't think on anything okay yeah that's true i just do it yeah and then it ends up working out but then what did they ask you they're gonna be like oh schultz what's your position on foreign policy what do we do well depends what foreign policy gas prices what do we do about that gas prices are going up yep a lot of people it's affecting a lot of people can i take this one Gas prices. What do we do about that? Gas prices are going up. Yep. A lot of people. It's affecting a lot of people. Can I take this one?

Sure. Gas prices are going up. Lower them. That's honestly. I think that's brilliant, actually. Guys, this is so easy. I can't believe you think this is hard. Give me another one.

He's killing it. Okay. What about like trans equality in America? You don't think he support trans? He watches Euphoria? He supports gays? He got the same length pants as Gerard Carmichael? That's a good ass point, actually.

What else? What else? What else? What else? Hot button topics. Big issues. I have to be ready. I have to be prepared for this.

Or like refugees. Like, would you take refugees and stuff like that? If they can get here. Yeah yeah if they find a way if they could i mean if they if they get turned away or you know in a boat in like the black sea and then end up over here that's that's impressive yeah that's a good point yeah i'm with that pirates and shit that's how carmen started this whole shit i think i think you should be able to arrive to america by boat oh i like that you can only come here by boat by boat yeah i love it yeah okay yeah like who's gonna stop you like if you just pull up to the east river like i don't think anybody's gonna say

you can't be here yeah yeah i think that's good yeah no they will say that though they do say you can't be here if you just pull who's to say it's a puerto rican guy fishing there's no one that's gonna stop you from like entering the country come by boat people aren't coming by boat no they are they who cubans they don't have boats what do they have a boot if they had a boat they could actually make it into this country effectively i'm supportive of this i've really solved every problem al is there anything in your community oh yeah they've been complaining about the racism stuff. Yeah. Did you forget you're black for a second? I work for the government. The secret service really got to me.

I'm a blue flag authority. Well, yes, black lives matter. How do you feel about that? I think they matter. Okay. You think they matter. Okay. I think they matter.

I don't think we should be able to touch black people at all. And I'm only going to hire black Secret Service. Why? Because they hold the most secrets. Yeah, they don't snitch. They don't snitch at all. Not Snitch Blacks. Blacks don't snitch.

So wherever we fucking go, nobody's going to know. Okay. Okay. What else? Employment's going up. That's good. I like that. Yes.

Another hot bucket topic. Did you call it a hot bucket topic? Yeah. It's not chicken, Al. How do you feel about chicken? how do you feel about chicken how do i feel about chicken we are gonna make all the things that endanger black people illegal fried chicken okay sugar police that's not a big issue we're gonna start with fried foods and sugar and see where we go okay because black lives matter to me you just lost the black vote. How?

You just lost the vote. You took away everything we love. How can I lose the vote if I don't let them vote? Oh, that's also a good point. Right? So who's allowed to vote? Say again? Who's allowed to vote?

Whoever votes for me. Oh, okay. Oh, dictator. Dictator. Again, I'm not trying to be president over here. We got to change some shit up. We got to be able to compete with the Chinese. Another one.

Go. Oh, what about universal health care? That's a good a good one i don't believe in it why i've told you this before because americans shouldn't have to pay the health care for the whole universe that's a good point that's a good point that's a good point okay that's ridiculous we can't cover that's why it's so fucking expensive maybe if we just started with america it would be affordable okay so what about american health care obviously i'll'll provide that. How? How are you going to pay for it? Go to the hospital. They fix you. They never said no.

Who's paying the docs? Don't pay them. That's a good point, actually. No, I actually think this through to the end. Watch. I've thought this through. Keep going.

What happened? Don't pay them. Yeah, but these are your docs. What are they going to do? Mainly, your people. Well, it's about time my parents stopped being proud of doctors and not me.

Now look how fucking broke they are. All right. Dumbasses. Also a good point. Fagel idiot this is all solved really when you think about it now what happens with your medical bills when you die nothing they get passed on to i think that's student loans only i think you're confusing different loans what do you mean they get passed on to the american public it's a free rider problem

like we all have to absorb like and not only that it gets wiped out of your credit now so it don't even affect your credit and not pay your medical bills we got free health care we just it just canadians don't pay for it on the front end we only got to pay for on the back end it's the same yeah what fucking losers to actually pay your medical bills dude yeah don't be a sucker bro that's a sucker go to the hospital take their fucking shit and then leave and then when they call just don't answer yeah you act like you ain't got caller ID. You gotta ghost them, bro. This is what you gotta do. I can't believe that. Like, you could ignore

a girl who's calling you, but you can't ignore the hospital, dude? Fuck the hospital. Ghost the hospital, 2024. What the hell are they gonna do? They gonna come to your door? Some nerd and smocks? What are they called? Scrubs. What's up, everybody? nerd and smocks. What are they called? It's a scrub.

What's up everybody. As you know, I'm running for president and the best way to win the minds and hearts of the people is to give them money. You're about to get the Hezzy for Prezzy stimulus. Do you see these QR codes right here? Yeah. You scan that QR code and you're the first one to do it. You're going to get paid.

We're going to have multiple throughout the episode. Happy hunting. My friends, right here yeah you scan that qr code and you're the first one to do it you're gonna get paid we're gonna have multiple throughout the episode happy hunting my friends you're welcome schultz 2024 the liar you can trust uh let's get into it outside of me being president in the near future um big things yeah okay will smith jada anything else that we saw from that that was funny tony rock man t Tony Rock going wild. Goat shit. I love it, dude. Did you like it?

I thought it was corny. Why? Fight me shit. Just be funny. No, I've seen him do that in real life, though. What, actually fight people? I remember at a show on The Laugh Factory, not the actual fight, but somebody was upset by some crowd work he was doing, and he was like, I'll see you later.

And then Tony Rock goes, you ain't going to do shit right there. And then he goes, you know why you ain't gonna do shit? Because this whole top row was with me. And they just pointed all his homies in the top row. And I was like, no, he keeps that same energy. That guy will always talk shit. He don't care. And then the funniest part was, I got nothing to lose.

That's funny. Which I thought was really owning the fame gap. Yeah, that's funny. I don't know. I just like, I don't know. Just be funny about it. There's so much room for jokes like i don't even know if you got to threaten these motherfuckers it's different because that's family yeah you know

so obviously maybe it's different i would react that way but um i really want to see what rock gotta say about it well apparently he got a standing ovation the next time he went on stage yeah but he didn't say nothing somebody said fuck chris rock or fuck will smith and then he silenced them he was like no we don't need that. They started a fuck Will Smith chant during the show. People hate Will right now. It is crazy. I feel like initially, day one is people on Will's side.

You still see a few. You still see a few, but yeah. It definitely has gone the other way. It's women and guys that cheat on their girl. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those are the only people who support Will Smith. Only I get to disrespect my wife. Yeah, exactly.

You gotta protect, all these dudes are like, you gotta protect your woman, you fuck other women. Yeah. 100% guaranteed. You're overcompensating because you're the Jada

in your relationship. Any guy that's faithful loves the fact that his wife got pissed off in public. Why? Because you can't do it. Do you know what I mean? Like, dude i like this happened uh this weekend i was in the fucking bahamas and uh how was it uh it was it was it was actually really nice but we're in the bahamas and like um i like realize how my like relationship

is evolving a little bit like i was at a casino and i'm playing blackjack and i see my wife try to cross through the blackjack pit. Oh, no, no, no. Okay? Now, nobody was there, so she tries to walk behind the table basically to walk through, right? And she tries to cut through and then the casino, like the pit boss, walks over and he's like, Miss, you can't cross through. Now, she got about halfway through, okay?

And I'm looking at my wife and she doesn't immediately turn around and I'm like,'m like i know exactly what this is i know exactly what she's gonna say i'm already halfway through why don't i just go all the other half yeah right you would never do such a thing no no i'm good that's why we're married right i 100 would do the same thing i mean it's the same way why are you gonna make me walk that but the pit guy his job is to keep people out of the fucking pit right so i see my wife go but i'm already half it's the same distance just to go the other half want to just go the other half and the guy goes i don't care get out of the pit and i literally went you tell her you tell her bro tell her what to do because you don't have to worry about shit she already gonna not fuck you.

Do you know what I mean? She can't give you the cold shoulder key. She can't do none of that shit. So I was rooting for that motherfucker. Anybody who could tell my wife what to do without repercussions. Yeah, you're on their team. I'm on, I tipped him. I tipped him.

I gave him $25. I flicked a quarter of them. And my wife, are you really on his side? Yeah, yeah. I need a higher security for my wife i need a higher security to discipline my wife because i can't discipline my wife that's what i need al that's you bro yeah no i like being here

i don't know why we even talked about oh yeah so like yeah i guess will just can't admit that He's not. I like being here. I don't know why we even talked about it. Oh, yeah. So, like, yeah, I guess Will just can't admit that. Yeah. Right? And now he's taken off all his projects. They, like, halted Bad Boys.

They, like, apparently changed Madagascar shit because Jada was in the movie or something. What was she? Uh-oh. What was she playing in Madagascar? was a female dog at the zoo that was just hanging out with a jaguar. A queen! A black queen! This is bad for his platform.

Come on. I need black women to support me, dude. That's fine. They can all support you except Jada. That's true. Also, isn't Jada half white? No. Pool Q. you accept jada that's true also isn't jada half white no half uh pool cue was that what i meant it was pool cue right that's what i meant to say yeah wait is the cue the ball yeah okay good i wasn't sure i thought it might be the stick no the cue is the stick with the cue ball oh whatever y'all what the fuck I meant. Y'all laughed at the right thing, even though I didn't get the word right.

Okay. No, she's half black, half witch. Oh, my God. Sorceress. Damn, bro. Sorceress. This guy's serious, dude. Yeah.

Do you believe in sorcery in Hinduism? I do now, after seeing Jada. But is it part of the religion? No. 100% not? No. Okay, fine. There's no, like, devil, demon shit? No, no, no.

You just get reincarnated. You just keep going. Really? There's no hell. So what's the shit with the little snake coming out the little thing? Oh yeah, the magic stuff. Power, bro. It's just power. That's power. That's sorcery power. Nah, but you got that in you, you know what I mean? You just don't do it because you're a little bitch. Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We also don't have snakes.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. we also live in the first world yeah that's a gay place to be the first world gay yeah it was crazy to see what happened with the whole whale shit man i wonder what he's going through now he has another netflix project that they put on pause oh they really just pause everything's done you know i'm not done but he's like they're like yo you can't do anything right now jesus dude if you thought you if you thought people fucked your wife now imagine when you can't even provide for her oh my god dog yeah when you're a d-list actor oh jesus be getting the deal that's what's gonna be happening i don't know if we talked about this but like if he just came out and he just said,

did we discuss this on this podcast? Like if he just came out and he was like, listen, it's really hard for me that people fuck my wife. We talked about this, right? Okay. Because I think that's all he has to do to get out of this. Just admit that that's what you really struggle with. You tried your hardest to get around it.

You can't fucking get around it. It's hard. How could you possibly? Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. You know what's funny is the only way he gets us back really is if he divorces her say again if he divorced her we'd all be like oh this guy's out of there god bless him give him his movies back oh yeah 100 divorce her and blame her for everything yeah yeah even though you're a loser and you're not you know being personally accountable just

fucking blame her dude just fucking blame we want will back that's great do you know what i mean he drops another independence day and it's like you know double meaning a new album i love it he's got to drop like what's what's like uh the lemonade for guys i don't know if we have one but like you know beyonce dropped lemonade remember when she was gonna leave jay-z the name of the movie that's in post-production that netflix would like to release it's anton fuka directing it's called emancipation no oh fuck that's hilarious emancipation what is it about your name about like a famous uh uh slave that have you seen that picture the one with all the scars on his back bro you know what's crazy is that this is where Will's career is now.

Will never even played black guys. Wow. Yeah. Isn't that interesting? He just played leading man. And now he's playing a slave, bro. Fuck. He's playing Django 2. And it's not even Django 2.

How fucking sad is that? Yeah. Nobody cares anymore. Yo, that's fucked up, dude. Al, can you weigh in on this so we don't feel racist? There's a lot of pressure on you. I'm on board. Antoine Fuqua, Training Day. Legendary director. I'm on board.

I feel bad for Will, though. Say again? I just feel bad for Will because he's one of my heroes and it's just like, damn. This decline, it sucks. Yeah, but it's been really good for us. Amazing. We went crazy viral. Don't like, damn. Yeah. Yeah. To see this decline, it's like, it sucks. Yeah. But it's been really good for us. Oh, amazing. Like, we went crazy viral. Yeah.

Dumb viral, bro. Dumb viral. 2.2 million on YouTube. You got 2.3 million on your roast alone on Reddit. Yeah. Last I checked, that was like four days ago. 10 million on TikTok. Fucking crazy.

Most importantly, Phil DeFranco. Yo, yo, yo. Oh, yeah. Shouts of Philly. D! Phil DeFranco. Shout us out. Love defranco shout us out love that guy you beautiful bastard that's how he starts every video what's up you beautiful bastards yo honestly shouts to jada dude yeah thank you for the career boost yeah you fucked your husband's career but it's

about time you fuck something of his yeah right finally you know yeah what did she said anything at all or no uh she had a post on ig it said something like um this is the ceiling season for healing and i'm all for it and you know what's fucked about that yeah in the red table talk where they talk about august alcina yeah she said something to the effect of it just felt so good to heal someone so if healing to you is fucking other dudes you know if i'm chris rock i'm going to be like, yeah, let's heal. Let's get it. Yeah, Chris got to come back with a banger. He really got to come back.

But that's the thing. He can't work out his shit. I know you said, oh, I wish he talked about it. He's in a theater. You're not going to work out material. Yeah, because they're going to videotape it. It's going to be uncooked. You got to take phones.

Even then, he'll probably do it, but you got to take phones. Yeah, he got to come back. Why would you do it on something you can't sell? You know what I mean? Like, you work your shit out in private, like, try to lock up people's phones and shit, and then sell it in your special that drops in eight months. Yeah.

And then everyone's, like, that just raises the price of it. Yeah, everybody can't wait to see it. I mean, I wanna go see it. Yeah. But if he's coming out saying, I'm not gonna address this just yet, then I don't give a fuck. Yeah, not yet. I mean, that's tough that's tough that's like i make money on it and i don't want to work it out in front of 3 000 people yeah and the way that he creates bits like he actually puts you sitting there pen to paper like really thinking about it yeah it's not it's not just he's not just winging it and that's something you got to be you know delicate about

also he's probably sitting there and thinking like wondering how the world is going to react because that knee-jerk day one reaction isn't what it's like two weeks later so if you're writing the joke for the knee-jerk day one and then two weeks later the public sentiment is completely shifted yeah yeah you know i mean like now that most of like the influential people outside of like the actor losers have come out and said that chris uh will smith is an idiot yeah he just looks more heroic the more time goes by yeah or not chris i wouldn't say so now the meaner jokes are almost the more of an asshole you look like no you could be justified well i was gonna say you might go too far and people are like yo we already like you dog you don't gotta go this hard

you could flip it's like a fine line they'll let you rock to a degree but then if it gets too vicious like if there's too many shots about uh jayden getting fucked by august alcina yeah and you know hopefully for everybody else to say tupac in her life yeah then you can't people can be like we liked you why are you doing this yeah yeah somebody told me that like she made jayden write a letter to tupac or something no willow they don't know if it's real or not but willow wrote a letter to Tupac or something? No, no, no. Willow, they don't know if it's real or not, but Willow wrote a letter to Tupac when she was 11 saying like, I know you're still alive. Please come back.

Mommy misses you. I know you were her best friend or something like that. There's no way, bro. Yeah, I don't know if the letter's real. Where'd you see that? It's a thing that's on all the news sites, but they don't know if it's real, even on the news sites.

On all the news sites. All the news sites. Do you see CNN cover it?'s real, even on the news sites. On all the news sites. All the news sites. Does CNN cover it? Yeah, yeah. You think CNN wouldn't cover it? Fucking dorks. What else they got to do?

NPR has got a story right now. Yeah, there's no way. Yeah, I can't believe it. One, like putting that out publicly, and secondly, just believing that Tupac's alive. Yeah. Of course he believes Tupac's alive. There is something interesting, though. Did you see the video of like Will Smith talking in that round table

where he's like, you know, I was cheated on early in my, you know, relationship early in my life and he was, I vowed after that

I would never be cheated on again. Yeah, that's a lot. Yeah. Poor guy. Also, how do you control that?

Yeah. I don't know how you're like, I'm never going to be cheated on. He controlled it. Yeah. It's not cheating. If your wife's allowed to get fucked by everybody in the neighborhood. Can you imagine how terrifying it is when Jaden brings a friend over? That's the craziest thing.

Is this the next guy who's going to fuck your wife? You're making pancakes and her head is slamming against the wall. Right? You're like, Jaden, where's your friend? Oh, he's finishing up with mom. That's crazy, dude.

Yeah, it's crazy. Yeah, it's crazy. That would make you crazy. I feel crazy thinking about that. Also, Jaden's got to be like, yeah, yeah, yeah. My friends fuck my mom. And your friends are like the coolest. Like everyone Jaden's friend with is either like an R&B singer or a rapper, a musician.

Like, dude, Justin Bieber's up in a crib. You don't think he pounded out Jaden a couple times? I hope so. For both their sex. Also, Jaden's batting above average. She be getting dudes, dude. Yeah. She got sorcery.

That is it. That's how you know she's a witch. Because she's like a seven. Eh, no. She's beautiful. Jaden's beautiful. I saw old pictures of her and I was like, oh, shit. She's still beautiful. But I was telling Mark. I was like mark i was like yo i just fuck i forgot how beautiful she was

that picture of her kissing tupac man oh man you give her a seven she's definitely above a seven you think yeah strong eight but she had her fucking 19 year old r&b stars granted they just had a drug addiction but like you know you know, that's still impressive. That's a good point, too. Yeah, they're musicians. They're all addicted to drugs. You okay, Bala? What just happened to you? Everything fine, dude? Oh, you gotta go on the massage

chairs that we were in this weekend. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I posted this thing on my story of Dove in a massage chair at the airport, and his titties were were shaking and I just had to share it And 200,000 people watched the story And the funniest thing he was like Take that down take that down

And I'm like whatever you got tits it's not a big deal He goes no it looks like I have dandruff And I was like dandruff? That's what you're worried about? Not your fat fucking tits all over my internet? But it wasn't that bad You're sitting down over here Shut the fuck up He just needs some material Absolutely. Really? Little crumbs, yeah. But it wasn't that bad. You're sitting down over here.

Shut the fuck up. Okay. He just needs some material for me just being single. I do need some material. He wouldn't even tell me who he went on a date with last night. Why not, Doug? Who'd you go on a date with?

You get nothing. You get nothing. This is the time to talk about it. Come on. Be a mensch. Do you know how many times that this has not worked out well for me? Speaking?

Has this ever happened? Has it ever happened? Has it ever happened yet? Speaking. Just speaking in general? Yeah, yeah. No, why? What happened? Less.

What happened on the date? Great date. Want to drink no sex? Great date. Did you have sex? Great date. He's relaxed today. Yeah, it's true.

He's relaxed and confident. I think you had sex. It was a great date. Has it ever been an issue? A girl heard something you said on the pod and it prevented you from hooking up? I don't understand why you're so shrouded.

That's not true. There's no way. Let me just say this. The pod's never gotten me a girl. That's a lie. That's a lie. A pod never got you the girl? Not once.

What about live shows? Dove's just walking around the streets just picking up girls and putting them on the shows. We go to the show, Dove, everything will get perfectly set up for the show,

everything's fine. And then we're like, oh, where's Dove? And then someone will be like, oh yeah, he's just wandering the lobby right now looking busy. It's absolutely amazing.

Just recruiting. He was just wandering the streets of Montreal for two days. He got there two days early wandering the streets handing out fucking tickets. I bet he wears those same shoes, hoping somebody will recognize him

from the camera. Yeah. He just walks around with an open laptop. This is him backwards walking around. Infamous tour, Radio City Music Hall.

I cannot wait. Both shows sold out. There might be a couple single seats left. You go get them. After that, we're coming to Atlantic City, New Jersey. And then the final shows of the Infamous Tour are going to be in Vancouver. Okay? Two shows.

Amazing theater. Go check them out. TheAndrewSchultz.com. It's crazy. The Infamous Show is coming to an end. There are literally five more total shows of the Infamous tour. The last time you'll be able to see it. So go check out one of them.

We love you. Appreciate you. And we'll see you out there. Tampa. I'm going to be at the Improv this weekend, Friday and Saturday. Bring that ass through. Also Toronto. Hurry the fuck up.

The Saturday Late Show is sold out. There are less than 100 tickets left total. I promise they will sell out this week. You guys better cop them tickets quickly. And Bridgeport, Connecticut. I'm coming to the Stress Factory. It might be Fairfield. It might be Bridgeport. State is so small, it don't fucking matter. I'm coming to Connecticut.

Stress Factory. Those tickets and shows for all my other shows are on akashsingh.com. Now, let's get back to the show. Alright guys, we're going to take a break for a second because nerds need to stay awake, okay? Some of you are looking a little drowsy-eyed over there because you haven't hit up that GamerSupps.

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an energy drink with on the planet right now it's actually got health benefits i know it sounds crazy that i'm saying this but it actually does go to get your gamer sups right now g-a-m-e-r-s-u-p-p-s.com make sure you use the promo code flagrant to receive 10 off your order they got great flavors blue razz acai blueberry black cherry and the new pineapple cocktail flavor this is a no-brainer get it in now let's get back to this but no you had a couple girls come through. Yeah, nice. Dove, get into the joints, Dove. Every weekend, he texts me. He goes, are there any people that you need tickets for or access to the green room after the show? Almost every weekend, I say no.

There are 60 people in the fucking green room. I mean, it's insane. They all look like Dove. They are all his cousins. His whole family's inbred, and I don't mean that in a bad way. But they look so similar. It's absolutely shocking. It is shocking, right? His whole family's inbred, and i don't mean that in a bad way but they look so similar it's absolutely shocking it is shocking right family's inbred and i don't mean that in a bad way it's not inbred when it's middle east french moroccan jews look alike in montreal has a lot of what reason like can we also have that room with the french moroccan jewish owners

friends that were coming down. Okay. And then Vala had some people up too. Vala ain't buying no Jews, bro. He always throws Vala under the bus. Vala only brought Jews. That's the crazy thing. Bring your own people, bro. Bring your people. Anyway, point is, we had a nice weekend.

I heard you got into a little long car drive or something like that. What is this? It's a long car drive. We had to go to Ohio. I saw it on the story. He drove an airline. He drove 11 hours or some shit like that.

You try to care about what your friends are going through. It's so funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But maybe there's something fun here. Go, go, go, go, go, go. This is better, actually. This is better. I'm at a dealership.

Who drove? What's his face? Kev. Kev, Kev. Now, when doing a show. Who drove? What's his face? Kev. Kev, Kev. Now, when he drives, or does he just carry it on his back? How do you guys get to Toledo? Hey, look.

I got to ride like a hodor. I got to ride hodor like a hodor. I got to ride hodor like a hodor. He really got to. Yo, this is actually funny, and I forgot to tell the story before. Well, don't jinx it. No, no, no.

No, we were doing a show in San Antonio. I don't know how I forgot this. And I'm talking to this kid up front, and he's sitting next to a guy in full scrubs. And I'm like, what do you do? Are you a doctor? And he's like, no, I'm a nurse. And then I start kind of clowning him. And the kid next to him is just completely straight-facing me the whole time.

Like this. And then I'll ask him questions, and he'll just go. And I'm just like, this guy's a real dickhead yeah and then i start teasing him and he never smiles once so i start kind of making the whole joke like oh this guy sucks oh this guy's gonna kill me after the show blah blah blah you know when you have somebody that you fuck with for the entire duration of the show yeah and then i'm legit a little scared because he looks so fucking unhappy yeah and then at the end of the show i'm doing the meet and greet. I'm saying hi to everybody.

See, he's last in line. So he's been waiting for me. And I'm like, oh, fuck, this is a problem. It's a big motherfucker. And then he walks up to me like, what's up, man? How are you? You OK? And then he pulls out two hearing aids.

And I'm like, oh, I was making fun of a deaf person for 60 minutes straight. Did he respond at all? No, I was like, yo, all you should really take from this is them fucking hearing aids don't work. Yeah. That's really what you should pick up on. When you asked him questions, did he say anything back? Literally, he would just go. And I was like, why you keep fucking shrugging at me, bro?

And you didn't laugh at all? Didn't. He gave me a couple of smiles. I would see in the corner of my eye when I'm looking this way, he would smile. And if I looked at him, he'd straight face again. Well, yeah, I'd be nervous, too. This guy's going to talk to me. I don't know what the fuck he's saying.

Yeah, yeah. In hindsight. Out of 400 people, you just hear, boom, boom, boom. Now, that's what he hears. That's not how he talks,

you assholes. That's what you guys were thinking. That's probably how he, how do you laugh? Fucking Wookie. He just sounded like me. Ta-ha! Who's fucking Wookie? He just sounded like me. Now, it makes sense why he was doing that.

At the time, I was like, you won't even let me smile, you dickhead. 60 straight minutes, I fried this kid, and I felt so bad after. As I see him reach in his ear and pull out two hearing aids, I was like, are you fucking kidding me? He was in the very front, though? Yes, dude. Very front. Dead ass, I'm here. He's where Andrew is. He's that close. I mean, sit him next to the speaker me? He was in the very front, though? Yes, dude. Very front. Dead ass, I'm here. He's where Andrew is.

He's that close. I mean, sit him next to the speaker or something. Not in the front row. Like Beethoven. Let him listen to the vibrations. He had his head on the floor. That sounds funny. I didn't fucking believe it, dog.

That's the worst I've ever felt making fun of a comedy. What's his name? He's probably watching this with subtitles on right now. Change the subtitles at this point. We're talking about you. Hey, Dishar, you remember his name? He was Pakistani. He was Pakistani? Figures.

That's why I thought he wasn't laughing at first. Explosions will take away your hearing, you piece of shit. Do you know what I mean? I think it was a good joke. I think it was a good joke. You maybe didn't hear it properly. Son of a bitch. A Pakistani that can't hear.

Yeah. Whoa. Abusive Pakistani family, which I thought was redundant. Wait, he said that? Yes. He said his family was abusive? Well, he told Dushar. He didn't tell me. Well, how'd he say it to you? I don't know. You sure he wasn't just speaking Urdu, dude?

Wait, but he really said I come from an abusive family? He told Dushar that. He didn't tell me that. That's the first thing he said. He was like, abusive, like a son of a family, and I've been through a lot. And he was a nurse, so that's probably why they beat the shit out of him, because he wasn't a doctor. He was a nurse as well?

You can't be a deaf nurse. He had a shirt that said COVID Warrior, which I was like, you don't need to be wearing that this late. I mean, it's 2022, that's over. Yeah, and also he can't be a deaf nurse. He had a shirt that said COVID Warrior, which I was like, you don't need to be wearing that this late. Yeah. I mean, it's 2022. That's over. Yeah. And also, he can't hear the claps. Yeah. But still, a deaf nurse.

I mean, there's certain jobs. Like, I want, you know, everybody to do whatever, but like, Al, you were a nurse. Yeah, you need... Can you be a deaf nurse? You need hearing. You think he takes a stethoscope

and puts it over their mouth no that's crazy i don't think that guy was a nurse bro i don't know i think he just wore that shit his friend next to him was in full scrubs he was not and that was another reason i was clowning him he was in shorts and a t-shirt that's a covid of bugs me, bro. When people wear scrubs not at their job. Yeah, that's what I said. Like, not on the way home, but, like, you just, like, you're wearing it in the middle of the night. Trying to get pussy. That's what I told him. Right?

Yeah. Fake doctor type shit. It feels like you're trying, you know? Yeah. Like, you'll see him out with the hat on, too, with, like, the full scrubs hat and the whole deal. I'm like, really? Yeah, like, not like they're going out to get a coffee, like, during a lunch break. Yeah.

But, like, they're just like, I'm going to wear this wear this the whole day yeah and you want us to be impressed right save someone yeah right how many people died of covid hundreds of thousands allegedly maybe none who knows though yo good ass point maybe none good point it could be none you never know dude could it be the flu he's right it could be none but You never know, dude. It could just be the flu. He's right. It could be none. But yeah, I think a million right now is what it is in America. I think it's a million people that have died of COVID. Yo, that's mad people, yo. Yeah, that's a lot. A million?

Yeah, it's quite a bit. Yeah. Jesus. Platinum, bro. Yeah. It's crazy. Get the plaque going. Get him a record. Nah, a million is hella bro yeah that's

that's a lot god damn yeah and people are still denying it yeah what why me i'm somebody you know no i don't know anyone that's denied it if i have no people that denied they say it's more oh they believe it's more. They believe more people have died. Those people are cucks. That's cuck shit. Did you guys catch WrestleMania at all? No, but I heard about it. My brother texted me to tell me how good Logan Paul was.

He's really good. I'm not even a wrestling fan. I was just watching. I was like, yeah, this kid's really fucking good. I mean, yeah, these kids are just stars. Yeah. Pat McAfee. I saw highlights of McAfee.

That motherfucker was incredible, dude. Yeah. He got a stone cold stunner and he was like drinking water and then he got kicked and got the stunner. And then instead of falling, he stood up, spit up all the water and then like fainted. Like he just got it. He really sold it. He knew exactly how to work everything.

We got to get McAfee on the podcast. Hell yeah, dude. Yeah. If they asked you to do WrestleMania, would you do it though? Yeah, sure. Really? Yeah. As as president trump did it i would do it as president for sure yeah get in front all those people i don't know you got to be like vince mcmahon stand-in or something like that like you can't wrestle yo you know what you could do you could rock bottom the rock how fire would that be rock likes you you? Commenting on your Instagram? To be a wrestler, you have to be a good actor.

To be a wrestler, you have to be a good actor to be a wrestler. I'm not going to act. I'm going to do it for real, Mark. The other thing I was going to say, I feel like you'd take it personally. I am. Someone would try to do a move on you and accidentally hit your head a little. What the fuck are you doing?

I feel like you'd fight them. That would be fun. wouldn't that be fun just start a fight while we're wrestling i think that'd be great and then they'd fight you back and they're huge people yeah but that'd be great for the news this is how you shake it up yeah that'd be great i just knock somebody out some huge guy you don't think that'd be funny i mean i don't think you're gonna knock him out but it'll be funny someone getting knocked out say again you know how big wrestlers are like how big they know how to actually how to they know how to fight for real i don't think they know how to fight for real so i'm not a fake fight no some

of them know how to fight yeah mcafee was fucking it up dog and he a little guy john cena's six one like 240 i think i could beat john cena in a fight there's no way way. I do think I could. What about the big dude that was in UFC? Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar could beat me up. Really? He's an actual fighter. I think he could beat me up. He's massive, that guy.

Son, you just got to go, you know, just give him a quick block when he goes to tackle. You're good. Yeah, that didn't work before. I know. It worked great in Sweden.

When someone was coming after me, it worked really well. He did bypass you because you were so intimidating. That's why you went out. Oh, he didn't want nothing from me. Matter of fact, he thought great in Sweden. When someone was coming after me, it worked really well. He did bypass you because you were so intimidating. That's why he went out. Oh, he didn't want nothing from me. Matter of fact, he thought you were pussy. The dude looked at me.

He's like, I don't want it. And then he came right after you. That's what happened. Yo, that might be what it is. He sensed fear. He did call me pussy before he came after me. No, he didn't. You remember pussy?

Oh, yeah, you took the pussy. Yes, dude. I don't know if he can beoussey? Oh, yeah. You took the Poussey? Yes, dude. I don't know if he can be your Secret Service anymore, dog. Say again? I don't know if he can be your Secret Service anymore. I think he's gotten better. I'm strapped. Also, he didn't have the Timbs on, bro.

He didn't have... Your balance was all off. I was trying to be all Euro with it and shit like that. Yeah. You were looking crazy. If you had the fitted hat, I think you could have... There was... Head butted him or something like that.

It would have been good. I was wearing three quarter pants like you and shit like that. I just't i wasn't fly enough fuck you out fuck you also i don't know why my pants ride up so high it's the chair because when i walk they come down so so what is baggy when i walk no so they actually reach your ankle they do when i stand up something happens you don't have long legs every time you stand up you got to readjust pull it down that's my belly that's because i'm fat now okay that's because i've been eating a lot dove fat gag let's go yeah all right you want poutine at five in the morning in montreal this is you no i it was three o'clock and i was gonna be hung over the next day unless we ate are we still still hung over, though? Yeah. Can we talk about how overrated poutine is?

Yeah, well, poutine's trash, son. Montreal, amazing city, but poutine is trash. How is it trash? It's three great things. Which are? Fries, cheese, gravy. Sometimes when you mix things together, it doesn't work out, Mark. Bro, he's right here. What's wrong with you?

He's sitting right there. I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that, dude. We believe in your bisexuality. Think I'm going to protect you now? No, Poutine's fire. Okay. 100% fire. Also, why did you try to miss the shows in Montreal?

I didn't try to miss the shows in Montreal. I did everything I possibly could to get to the shows. So why did you show five minutes before the show? I did that because I was flying from the Bahamas, where my wife was getting disciplined the way that she needed to be. Okay? Also, why did you go Bahamas directly to Montreal? Why didn't you?

It landed at 5.50. We have a weekend off this weekend. We do? Right? I went to a wedding. I didn't go on vacation. Oh. Yeah.

Oh, I didn't realize it was a wedding. Yeah. Can I tell you one thing, though? I mean, I was scared there would have been a lot of unhappy people money lost and the only thing i could think about when we were like he's not gonna make it he's stuck on this delayed flight is won't be my fault why why when your wife decided this oh yeah always this whole tour we have a backup to a backup to a backup and this guy is trapped on a plane yeah but we made it it was all good that shit was fun i love that city yo shout out to montreal montreal is one of the great cities yeah yeah here's the trick

don't stay up for poutine the breakfast there is probably the best dude let me tell you something about montreal this is 100 dead ass the the difference in attractiveness between the women and men is so fucking unbelievable i'm not trying to say the guys are ugly but the girls are so hot compared to the dudes. Did you find that? Yes. You found that? Yes.

I mean, my parents are that way. Say again? My parents are that way. You think that your mom is way hotter? Your mom is a joint, huh? My mom's a piece, bro. Your mom's a piece? Well, why weren't you talking about them bangs last episode, bro?

Yeah, I know. Oh, was that on Patreon? That was on Patreon. That was on Patreon? Oh, yeah. I mean, her personality is beautiful. Everybody missed out, bro. Yeah. We were talking about them bangsangs on patreon everybody and then everybody and then on reddit they put

up a fucking poll of what pictures of all of our mothers and who has what they got a picture of my mom's yeah was it a good titty let me say hey hey was it a good titty picture no no be a very serious question i'm not fucking around right now. Who won? Yeah. They banned the poll. The person that posted it got banned forever. But who was winning? They got banned forever? But who was winning?

That's true. I've seen all your moms, yo. My mom got y'all by a mile, for real. You're not going to sleep on my mom's titties. My mom's got the biggest titties that hang those hours. I'm telling you, my mom is out here. My mom is out here. And I'm not saying your mom don't have big tits that hang on I'm telling you my mom is out here my mom is out here and I'm not saying

your mom don't have big tits she does thank you with all due respect she does but my mom's shit is crazy bro crazy bro

like crazy dude I don't know I need to see these pictures can we get it up nobody screenshot you didn't screenshot it there's a picture of all our mom's tits

why are we encouraging this because it's funny bro yes it is how does the renegade Nobody screenshot? You didn't screenshot it? There's a picture of all our moms' tits? No, I did not screenshot it. Why are we encouraging this? Why? We're encouraging this. Because it's funny, bro. Yes, it is. How does the renegade... I've never seen Mark's mom. I haven't met your mom either or Miles' mom.

I need to see this picture. No, there's no picture. How is the renegade going to see y'all's mom's tits before me? Yeah, where the hell did they find a picture of the moms? But the women in Montreal are much more attractive. I'm just saying, bro. The women in Montreal are much more attractive. It was crazy are much more it was crazy dude it was crazy they're good looking women up there not that i care about those things yeah anymore yeah but i was in that club yeah and i'm old dude i don't even know what to talk to these girls about anymore dude like like i'll just be sitting down minding my business in the club and like one of these

girls will come up and like start a conversation i don't even know what the fuck i literally don't know how to talk i'll just be like oh that's funny yeah yeah yeah yeah they'll be like oh your show is that they like try to make and i'm like i i go like this like i try to do things that they think are like entertaining relatable but i literally do not know how to relate in any way yeah i also realized that like i don't know how to have conversations with women that aren't about um having sex with them so so i don't think i developed that skill and now that i'm married i don't have where do i go why don't you just talk to me how you would talk to a guy it feels fake yeah why would you need to what do you mean you don't need to have conversations with women that are not about having sex with them. That's a good point.

That's a good point. Why don't you talk to the way you talk to a guy? You meet a guy at a club. It's like, yo, the show is awesome, bro. Because that's super gay, dog. I don't talk to guys in the club like that. A guy comes up to you after the show and goes, oh, dude, it was great. Can I get a picture?

Thank you so much. I appreciate you, dog. Love you. Let's get a pic. Blah, blah, blah. Yeah. Great. But I'm not like, tell me about your dreams.

Mm-mm-mm. Yeah, I don't know. I honestly think it is more honest to to i think it's having like a fake conversation like i'm not trying to sleep with any of these girls but like when i was out there in the world i would i i felt more honest like flirting uh sexually than i did just having like some bullshit conversation that i didn't actually believe i thought it was dishonest i agree you're a liar. I agree.

Isn't it better to flirt and like, you know, sexually be respectful, obviously, but like, you know, let the intentions be known. Yeah. But what if you don't want to have sex? Say again? What if you don't want to have sex? Then why would you talk to them? Okay.

Oh, okay. I'm looking for a friend group, Mark. You don't got enough friends, bro. I moved to this town. You know what I'm saying? It's a lie. You're lying, right? No. Not me. I'm new to this town. It's a lie. You're lying, right? Not me.

I'm not lying. What do you mean? I feel like you just meet someone and be like, oh, yeah. Mark, you're very good at making it seem like you're not flirting. You talk about things. It's just adorable. It's so great. What type of makeup do you wear?

Whatever these stupid questions are. Like where are your eyelashes from? Like you know how to do this? Young Dove. I love this. And then Dove is great at this too. Like they can have conversations. But Dove's actually a little bit more sexually harassy than you.

You put my titties online. Now you're calling me sexual harasser. Come on. That's true. Come on. That's where he draws the line. That is where he draws the line. That is where he draws the line. You can do one or the other,

but not both. You are all charmed, but you will say things that... I'm all charmed. You are all charmed. Let me clear this up. You will say things that you don't think come out of a man that wears cardigans.

Yeah, that's true. You're expecting Mr're expecting mr rogers say some shit like you know one kiss no sex one drink one drink no sex you will say something like that i expect that out of a cardigan something like that to me and that's the other thing you convince yourself that they're flirting with you like dove operates in a world where every girl that he meets wants to fuck him and they're just giving you signs. But it's true. And I have sex with that girl. I have sex with that girl.

We're flying back. Oh, I think she's into me. She's the fucking flight attendant. She has to give you things. She has to give. Oh, yeah. She keeps giving me these fucking napkins. No, no, no, no, no.

Oh, pretzels nonstop. We've heard many times Andrew gets disrespected by flight attendants. They don't give him shit. That's actually true. So maybe not. But this one was really nice to me. It was really sweet. That's the issue.

Why don't you just be nice to flight attendants, then they'll be nice to you. I always start nice. I always start nice. Start. I say, hello. Hello. That's it. No, but this was a good flight

because they were going to Canada oh that's true why why why what's the difference they're probably Canadian so they're nicer they were sweet they were very nice

I got along great with the flight attendants what I'm trying to say is you operate in this world and it's a great way to operate I think most people should operate like that yes I don't know I don't know

so about this date though yeah what happened with the girl nothing say again nothing can you at least tell me what she looks like and what race she is and what religion she is Yes. I don't know. I don't know. So about this date, though. Yeah. What happened with the girl? Yeah. Nothing. Say again? Nothing. Can you at least tell me what she looks like and what race she is and what religion? Yeah. All the things?

No. She's attractive. Jewish? I'm not saying anything. She's not Jewish. She's Jewish. Wait, you think so? She's Jewish?

If he doesn't want to ruin it, this is something that's real. No, no. I don't believe it. During Ramadan. I don't believe it. During Ramadan, though. Wow. I don't believe it. Sorry, bro. i don't believe it during ramadan during ramadan dove wow i don't believe it sorry i don't believe it what uh because i just don't believe he'll ever be with a jewish woman dude he he throws shots yeah yeah yeah that was a stinger yeah i thought

i'm like you flirting i let every once in a while as you should i'm like this fucking wingman mark wants friends yeah I'm the ultimate wingman that's what it is nah nah okay so what is your like what do you do you're like sitting down

it's like a honestly I don't know what do you do you're sitting down there's a girl right that's sitting down next to you I say oh what do you do for work

and then she says oh I work as a bartender I go oh is that is that a fun job and then she tells me a funny story and I laugh my god how do you...

I mean, that seems pretty reasonable. He's laughing at something a woman says he's trying to fuck. Yo. You're misleading them. You're gaslighting. That's gaslighting. You made her feel like you wanted to fuck, and then you didn't. You're a fucking rapist, bro.

Dude. Dude, that is fucking rap in a way, dude. I don't know how yet, but I'll figure it out. It was so funny, though, because I was trying to wingman Vala. And I was like, well, isn't Vala... And he kept trying to fuck me. Vala's wingman is the nearest candle that he uses to... This guy is fucking doing potions and shit.

He's grabbing props. Vala's like Carrot Top at the nightclub. It's amazing, dude. He's got a case that he brings. He's just throwing shit out. Any girl that catches Dude, amazing.

Amazing. Amazing. But now the girl said she wouldn't fuck with him. I was like, why not? She's like, I don't want to fuck Squanto. No.

I was like, wait, why? And yet she just kept pointing out the feather in his ear the whole time. She said that you were Squanto? The girl at Dunn's. She called you Pocahontas boy. Alex's the biggest dickhead on our show.

No, she didn't call him that. She pointed the shit out of him. Yo, I will give it up to Vala. Like this was a real shit. Vala was sitting next to me and somehow he like disappeared and apparated into the inside seat in a booth full of women like i don't know how the fuck it happened but i turned around you were behind me inside the booth and the girls are saying stuff and you're just you're just laughing it was amazing dude i'd love to see one of my homies fake laugh. Do you know what I'm saying?

Because I'm guilty of it too. But I think it's just, it's not like trying to get laid. It's social lubricator, right? Yeah, you got it. Keeps things moving. Yeah. There's nothing wrong with that.

Absolutely not. I don't want to seem phony. But doing it with a girl, that's fucked up. That's gaslighting. Yeah, you are gaslighting. That's gaslighting. Because the girl's getting fucking wet.

Yeah, dude. Looking at you, oh, this guy thinks I'm funny. Cute guy. Yeah, so interested gaslighting. That's gaslighting. Because the girl's getting fucking wet. Yeah, dude. Looking at you, oh, this guy thinks I'm funny. Cute guy. Yeah, so interested in my life. So adorable. Genuine interest. No one has genuine interest in a woman's life.

I talk about my wife and say I'm married. Don't you use all your fake interest on conversations with your wife like a good man? Yeah. I'm exhausted of fake marriage. Yo, how dope is that to drop the wife thing, though? Yeah, it's fine. Oh, it's great, dude.

It's great. Yeah, I say that to all the time. Back up, bitch. You know what I mean? Let them know. I love your outfit. Yeah, my wife would love that. What's going on?

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Yeah, we made it. What's our group? You haven't been keeping up? Nope. We got Iran. Wait, wait, wait. Speaking of World Cup, whose mom has the fattest tits? Oh, my God.

That's a great fucking question, dude. No, that is a great question, dude. Wow. Are we bringing everybody into this? Miles, we haven't talked about your mom's dark wings. Oh, my goodness. How do you feel about USA making it to the World Cup? Wait, did we cut out Miles' mom's section?

No, we didn't cut anything. You promise? Yes. Because that was a big issue. That's never been an issue. Is it true that you don't have brothers because you sucked all the milk out of your mom's tits? We're on the public eye. Is that true?

I also did hear that. That was a rumor that was going on Reddit. If you suck all the milk out, you don't got big tits. Yeah. Have you heard how hot? England, Iran, USA. That's our group. We got one more team.

England, Iran, USA. And then what's the fourth one? It's going to be like Ukraine, Scotland versus Wales. So one of those teams. So we definitely Scotland got that. Probably not. to be like Ukraine, Scotland versus Wales. So one of those teams. So we definitely Scotland got that. Probably not. And then Ukraine is still competing?

Yeah. They're not really taking this whole war thing serious? What stops during war? Soccer doesn't stop? That's crazy. Yeah. That's crazy. Those are your athletes.

Get out there, bro. Defend something. Right. Clutch go out there fighting. Thank you. You can't fight? Lomachenko's fighting. Lomachenko's fighting? Yeah, the retired boxers. No, Lomachenko's the there fighting. Thank you. You can't fight. Loma Chanko's fighting. Loma Chanko fighting. Yeah, the retired boxers.

No, Loma Chanko's the current champion. Oh, that's a good point. Yeah. This is bullshit, dude. The president can't be calling it a genocide and then you go play in the World Cup. That's facts. Also, the president called into the Grammys, didn't he? Did he?

Yep. Yeah. And what did he say? He talked about the power of music as being something about peace. Now talk about the fact that he did it for the Grammys and not the Oscars. That was a shot. At whom?

At Hollywood to say, we don't need you. Music is actually a little bit more global. Music is a language of... No, that's actually true. Music does... What's the word I'm looking for? Transcend? Transcend. Thank you.

You're fucking so smart. What you laughing at over there, dude? What? What? What you laughing at over there, dude? Music is the language of what, though? Just nothing. We actually need your mom's double D's on this. Yeah, boy! You fucked up. Yeah! Let's get dangerous, man! No, because we need the American flag, because Mark, your mom, is Canadian, right? You fucked up. Yeah! Let's get dangerous, man!

No, because we need the American flag, because Mark, your mom, is Canadian, right? Yeah. So we got... We got the flags. We need it. Yo, yo, yo. Al, mom, one tip represents the black community,

one the Puerto Rican community. Yeah, yeah. My mom, India, through and through, thorough. Morocco, Morocco on my side. Scotland. Great Britain. What? Why'd it stop at mine? Vala as well We can't talk about Vala's mom?

No, you're not You're on the pod You're sitting right here right now If you love your mom, you don't defend her breasts If you're in the room, your mom's tits could get talked about That's flavor too All of y'all are liable too Who got the fattest tits could get talked about. That's flavor, too. All of y'all are liable, too. Well, country, come over here.

Yeah. Who got the fattest tits back there? Come on, dude. Hey, you sure you're going to speak the fuck up on auntie's behalf, dog? She has some heavies. Who, your mom? I met your mom, man.

Come on, son. Stop lying, man. We need other countries. What other countries. They're firm, but they're not huge. I'm just joking. I'm joking. Okay? Did I meet her? I don't think I met her.

You might have. You got the wedding. Oh, I did actually meet her. We drove to the fucking... on Friday together. I didn't look at her tits, dude. You're crazy. That might mean they're not that big. Yo, I didn't say it. Andrew's mom's tits look at me.

My mom's tits look at her feet. I saw my mom's tit hit something once, and she just picked it up and moved it out the way. Oh my gosh. Oh, my God. Okay, so, yeah. So, America, we got this. What, two teams leave? Yeah, the top two teams move on. Okay, Iran.

We got that. That's nothing. So, it's basically England and the U.S. go, right? Yeah, or Scotland. Scotland could be in. That's true. They'll probably also lose. That's true.

And then we got a group of death. Canada made it in. That's what. They'll probably also lose. That's true. And then we got a group of death. Canada made it in. That's what people are stoked about. Oh, yeah. Canada versus Morocco. Yeah. That's it. Dove's people.

Oh, that's going to be fun. Who's stoked about Canada, bro? Bro, Dove is. And all the Canadians we were with this weekend. Yeah, Dove got mad Canadian family, dude. No word. Yes, he's insane. Crazy.

You want to know the best thing about this weekend with Mark and Canada? What's that? We go to rest. Did you tell him? You can say this. What? About your French. Oh, yeah.

Now, all of a sudden, Mark just speaks French out of nowhere, right? But the best thing is he would, to practice, we'd be at a restaurant. He'd order in French. And then they would just repeat back to him, like, is that all? Anything else? Which was just like a slap. Oh, in English. Garbagio.

I'm talking to my best French. Trying my hardest using Google Translate. And ladies, anything else do you want? Our last waitress is actually also a French teacher. She drops off a card at the end, and they're going to start doing Zoom sessions. Oh, really? Dove's French is great. I've heard Dove speaks French.

Dove speaks every language. Every language that there's hot women, Dove speaks the language. That's 100% a fact, right? You speak Italian? Yeah. Spanish? French? I can Italian? Yeah. Spanish? French? I can understand

a lot of Spanish. Or I can do like flirty Spanish, but Andrew is a Spanish guy. Or Urdu. No Urdu? No Urdu. Have you ever been

with a Pakistani woman? No. I did have a... Set it up, baby. Have you? No. Have you ever been with a Pakistan

are you sure you left Pakistan for Virginia when you were 11 no but we met we met one at 11 before

whoa whoa 13 well done 13 how old were you guys yeah how old was the girl dude you fucked

a 13 year old yo bro yo just saying that is wild you technically had sex with a 13 year old she was older how old yeah also did you get got with any april fool shit yeah i did you got bodied yeah i uh this is gonna sound like flex, but it's not. But my girl goes, there's a hotel or like a resort in Aspen. And they said they just announced that they're going to have a wave pool coming this summer so you can surf in Aspen at this hotel. That's sick. And I looked at the post and I saw the people that are going to go surf there. And Kelly Slater was one of the people who's going to go surf there.

So I DM'd it to Kelly Slater. And I'm i'm like dude are they really building a fucking wave pool at this hotel and kelly slater had to let me know that i got april fools like a fucking idiot wait he yeah he's like dude i think you got an april fools and i was like oh okay yeah yeah they didn't build a wave pool on the side of a fucking mountain. Your actual hero was like, yeah, you're an idiot. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You wasted a DM on an April Fool's, too? Huge waste. Did you get anything out of it?

Huge, nothing, nothing at all. Besides looking like an idiot. It's technically your girl that set you up, though. Yeah. Dumbass. You know? No, Shifty got me on the, it was like the Northern Lights in New York. Did you see this?

No, that's good. It was like going dumb viral. Oh, I heard about this. I believed it. Luckily, Northern Lights in New York did you see this no it was like going dumb viral oh I heard about this I believed it luckily I wasn't in New York otherwise I'd have been up there looking like a fucking retard it's like you'll be able to see

the Northern Lights this year for the first time or this week for the first time in like 50 years the shift was like isn't that crazy and I believed it

up until like I think an hour ago no oh I did get got by Ben Uyeda on what you didn't see Ben Uyeda's post?

Rarely you got got by that one. Yeah. When he was like his new like... Oh, he's dressed like a wildling? Yeah, he's dressed like a wildling. And he was like, this is my new construction wear or whatever. And I believed it. And I was like, dude, Ben, what is this?

Because it was kind of fire, but I was like... I didn't think I got got by April Fool's. Turned out I got got by all of it. I just thought the world had changed. You just figured it out had changed wait a minute um i got i got by a speed limit a walking speed limit in new york and after i post that i was like oh i hope this is true and then i realized it was fake so then i started finding all the fake posts so i'm like no i'm doing this on purpose

that's smart that's smart that's smart. That's fucking genius. Akash, you never told us about your drive for 11 hours. Son, I'm going to say this. I drove through that bitch, and I was like, I would have voted for Trump, too. Wait, really? Yo, it's just hopeless, dog. It's 11 hours of hopelessness. No way.

That's all you're looking at is nothing. Toledo, Ohio, the brewery was out of business. It was like a fucking abandoned warehouse. So you can't even afford alcoholism. that shit blew my fucking mind the trailer park like the trailers are run down i was like this shit is hopeless how was the sunday show we didn't have the sunday lucky no i thought about this and i felt guilty i usually i've been selling out a decent amount and i was like yo 80 of the room is only full there's no 100 and then i was like oh there's probably like 50% unemployment. So actually mathematically

I'm ahead. It was 130% sellout. Yeah, you killed it. Yeah, I really killed it. 100%. But they didn't even bother with the Sunday show. They're like,

pay for no fucking... No, you're lucky. Yeah. I mean, that was the worst show I've ever done in my entire life. Did you ask them about it? No, they told me

at the end of the night they were like, hey, we love Andrew. Tell him to come back. He doesn't seem to want to. Wait, they actually said that? Yeah. I had a hard to tell her poor manager she didn't i didn't see her all weekend because she was making fucking chicken tenders or whatever because they don't have labor in ohio and uh she was like the end of the night she's like hey thanks we had a bunch of new people come out great i said oh andrew probably brought a lot of these same people and she's like

oh we love andrew he just hasn't come back since the last time he was here yeah it was a rough one man oh that show there's only two shows that I really remember I'm like wow never again and they're both in Ohio well Toledo and Toledo and then Columbus I did a show in Columbus where I was getting absolutely nothing from the audience so I just brought the stool to the middle of the stage and i just stood on the stool and delivered my jokes standing on the stool why i don't know i was like i got to make this fun for me somehow you thought height was the issue for the joke it was hype i was like maybe if i get this high that's the excuse i've been using yeah no i was like this has just got to be fun maybe if i balance i'll have more fun in it and yeah it was both ohio ohio could be rough man oh yeah yeah i saw that yeah i don't have much

to laugh at out there yeah son they're they're still proud of mash one of the characters in mash i didn't even know this hodor told me kev told me yeah he said one of the characters in mash was from toledo in the show and he like always talked about it so they're holding on to this show from the fucking 70s like My hotel had an army jeep in it. Why the fuck did you drive there? I don't understand. Because the flight got canceled the night before. Because?

Nobody wants to go to Ohio, obviously. Yeah. United was like, we're not doing that. Delta, there was one Delta flight. It was at like 6 a.m. out of Philly. So either go to the airport at 3.30 in the morning and then land whenever we land. And risk that getting canceled or just drive overnight and kevin's a fucking boss so he was like i'll drive he brought

his car up to new york we rented a minivan g's up fire that's far so i love a minivan dog i can't wait to buy one i know you love this minivan show on some comedy shit what do you think of a louis winning comedy album of the year is he officially uncanceled i think i think that that's like a move towards that for sure yeah yeah i thought it was really interesting because like once you win this major award from like a major governing body it's yeah it's basically them being like oh yeah you're back in the thing yeah like i forget when that happened to mill gibson someone like i think he won a major award or someone like testified on his behalf in front of the academy they were like forgive him he's

sorry it's not his fault yeah and then he kind of got like uncanceled from i think it also could be them testing the waters like if there's a big reaction to this tons of pushback they whoever they is like the hollywood uh you know approval board they might go okay maybe it's not ready but if he goes he drops it and everybody's kind of okay with it and they celebrate it they're like okay maybe we could work with this guy again he could be mel gibson's like he i guess he's uncanceled in that sense maybe but he's still nobody he's not the same it's not the same also his star compared to what it was is way less mel uncanceled himself i think when he did that uh passion of the christ because he did the movie

without anybody like didn't he fund that independently and the shit made crazy bread right crazy so it was like i think that there are people looking at it going well people have said worse things that have made less money well no he that was before the jew hate that was the first time we were like does this guy hate jews no no no no no he made yes correct akash is correct no i thought he blew up first he blew up no no he had the with the wife thing the cop thing was no the wife thing that was funny to me the wife thing was like oh not 2010 or something after all the other shit and everybody's like i can't believe he's saying these things about black people and i was like who who do you think hates jews and loves black? Who's that guy? I don't think that exists.

Yeah, they do. Very obvious. Black people. But yeah, he had Apocalypto that apparently slapped, but he made it, but nobody really cares. It's not like he's a megastore anymore. Louis, I think, is going to be the same. He's out there.

He could win a Grammy, but when is Grammy equaled sales? The guy who won best album is probably great but i didn't know who he was john batiste i'm also old as fuck and don't know new music but i feel washed bro it's wild it's either we're washed or everything is such in its own vacuum that you're just not aware of what's going on in like traditional mainstream scenes because i've heard of john batiste i don't know a lot of the song from the ship maybe if i hear the big one i'll listen to it even with the the people who won the oscars some of these movies i didn't even i haven't heard of so is is it that that industry's

failing or those industries are failing or are we completely detached from what's going on i think the fact that we're detached lets you know that it's failing a little bit ah like you should be able to hold on to us a little longer. Before, everybody would just know. There's just less things. Yeah. And the fact that we're all kind of in our own vacuum is part of the reason they're failing. Yeah.

I don't think it's completely failing. I'm sure they're making money still. But like the fact that none of us knew. How much longer do movies exist? I'm curious about this. Eight years. You think? No, no. They'll be around. What do you mean? For a long time. I'm curious about this 8 years you think no no

they'll be around for a long time that form it's just a TV movie but it's just movies the theatrical experience will suffer

so they'll watch these indie movies like Coda at your house and you're gonna watch Marvel hopefully at theaters I call that a 90 minute TV show well here's the thing

like the movie itself I don't know if it's advantageous to make a movie instead of a TV show. Because if the movie is successful, I guess you can make sequels to the movie, sure. But the TV show, run it. Have two seasons, three seasons, four seasons, five seasons. True Detective is a bunch of movies. Each season is a long movie.

Yeah, so why not just make the TV shows? And if we really like it, we want to spend more time in it. I wonder if movies just become antiquated and the way we tell stories is just through TV shows. It's either super short or super long. You're spending $200 million to make a movie. You don't think you can spend that on a TV show? Think about most features that you see are written by one person, loan in their place, and then boom, has this perfect two-hour thing that

exists and puts their name on it. And a TV show. I mean, you can write a pilot and then blow up, but that's a whole team. That's a business that you have to do to continue a show. So a lot of people just like that form. What if it just becomes like Pixar, Disney are the only and cartoons are the only times you see

movies anymore, and then everything else is just TV shows? Maybe there's one consolidated story that you just want to tell like yeah what about like story things like how does coda become a series i don't know what coda is it won the oscar yeah i don't know what it is but i don't know who's in it it's uh you guys know what that is no never seen children of deaf adults it's a beautiful story. Are you fucking kidding? It's apparently about the kid that came to my show in San Antonio. Apparently it's fire

and I think I can almost put money that you will cry watching this. Why? Just a bunch of fucking adults moaning the whole goddamn time? Jesus. But also for the indie world, small arthouse films, you can't make small arthouse whole multi-season series. You'll always have an opportunity. a movie eight years i hear all of that eight how much

longer for movie theaters four years i love the movie theater but i don't know if they can make their money back yeah unless you're a major franchise unless it's marvel and even those movies ain't slapping like they used to i just don't know if it's it's worth it for my prediction they're gonna have to let the studios open up movie theaters so disney buys movie theaters and there's a disney store to buy pixar stuff marvel stuff in there as well and those things can work because it's separated right so yeah you create the disney world experience so when the kids go they can buy t-shirt they can buy the dolls they can buy the toys correct okay then what happens for the adult movies where we don't need to buy that and how

many of those disney theaters can you make no all all good points they're going to be in like shopping centers where it's a whole thing for adults they're going to get bars and the type of seating to like order at the table because think about dates what are you going to do on a you know first date you go for drinks or dinner and second date you want to go to a movie it's at your house you gotta have that other spot hey it's good for me sorry no more movie theaters yeah i gotta come to the pad i've always thought the movie was yeah oh my god where did you guys go last night on the date? The bathhouse.

Did you really? You took a girl to the bathhouse? It's the most fire date. I took a video of you and your titties vibrating. And you thought that you should be naked

with a girl after that? I look fire. I'm just telling you. Insane self-confidence. Good luck. It's unbelievable, dude. That's great. God bless him. Yeah. Insane self-confidence. Good luck. It's unbelievable, dude. That's great. God bless him.

Yeah. God bless him. Yeah. It was in Brooklyn. You'll be president in 2028. So the people weren't that attractive, but she was fire. Damn, he's just shit on Brooklyn. All right, guys.

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and dressed like inclusive from the LA. Don't talk about the Hasidic women like that. This is what happens when you grow up in LA. You just expect everyone to be like blonde haired and fake lips and shit. What am I supposed to do about this? What's wrong with that? It just warps your brain.

Fake lips work, right? Who doesn't like the fake lips? Let's just be honest. The fake lips work, right? Women like when we have like them. Women like when we have fake hair. They like when we're on finasteride and our hair is maintained. So we like that. I'm sure there's been fake lips that are well done that I didn't notice and I'm like, oh, that looks good.

Yeah. But when they look all pillowy and shit, I'm like, oh, I can't do it. But it's better than if you look like a bird. Isn't it better than that? Yeah. Right? So I think that's what we have to judge. We have to judge, like, not what's better if you have perfect lips versus plastic surgery.

It's like everybody looking like Madonna right now. She kind of looks like the alien face. Like Alien Workshop. Remember them skateboards people had? That's Madonna's face. She looks like that. But is that better than what she would naturally look like

being 70 years old? Yeah. No, no, no, no, no. Do you see what I'm saying? Give me 70 years old. Give me 70. Okay, okay. Madonna's a grandma. She should look like a grandma years old. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no. Do you see what I'm saying? Give me 70 years old. Give me 70. No, no, no, no. My daughter's a grandma.

She should look like a grandma. My daughter looks amazing. You're saying what's right because you don't plan on making love to her. Yes, correct. Right? But if you were to make love to a 70-year-old woman, would you want her to be like 70?

No, that's what I'm saying. She aged out of being made love to. Yeah, I know your point. What I'm saying is in this hypothetical scenario where you have to make love to a 70-year-old, wouldn't you want her to just shove shit in her face until... You saw the video? You know what I mean?

I mean, it's horrifying, dude. But, okay, go to Titanic and the old woman in Titanic. She's 70. For 70, that's good. The old woman in Titanic is 70 years old. That throws the thing? Old Rose woman in Titanic is 70 years old. That throws the thing? Old Rose? Old Rose is 70 years old. Which one are you taking down? She's 70? 72, maybe.

I don't know if that's accurate. She's 70 years old. How do you know that? 40 years ago, I was on that thing. You know how to age, bro? There's a whole thing about it. I'm going to come back here when I'm 72 and then return the heart of the ocean to the ocean or whatever i think you made all this

i'm not making it up 112 years old objectively you don't think that she looks better objectively speaking go back to titanic go to titanic i'm gonna give you an honest answer yeah honest answer it's not even a debate bro it's not a debate come on no madonna debate i think i agree with you not look at that rose that's 70 years old no i'd fuck rose for sure no you you you you're you're lying to me al which crevice be honest no i'm going madonna of course if you're doing you're a weirdo dog i mean it's not even a question you're also madonna just for legacy too yeah just like the biggest pop star of all time yeah yeah i want the cone tits and everything yeah regardless i want the full experience word yeah that's a fact

that's fucking great dude which also speaking of people aging this shit was going viral this is a buddhist monk he's like 108 year old buddhist monk oh come on don't do this shit bro yo this guy look like madonna yo oh my, my God. Stop playing, bro. Still alive. Stop playing. And he's just living his best life, doing his thing. Let him die, dog. That's crazy, dude.

At a certain point, have you thought about this? You're going to get to a point where you're going to be dumb old. You're going to be on all the machines. That's not real, fam. It's real. He's only 108? Oh, my God. Only?

Yeah. No, but you shouldn't look like that at 100. Yo, yo, he look like King Tut right now. Same do same. Yeah, no, that's crazy. But have you thought about this? Like, yo, when I get to a certain point, call it. No.

No? No. Yeah, because we don't know where technology is going to be. But if I start looking like that, call it. What do you mean looking like that? Is it the look or is it like your ability to walk around and do shit? No, it's the look, yo. I don't want to look like that.

Okay. You call me vain if you want to. I don't want to look like that. You call me vain if you want to. I don't want to look like that. Even if you're still capable, you can do shit. You're like, no, just not the look. He looks like a smoker's lung. Just the lung. All he needs is some lip fillers.

He'll be good. Yeah, exactly. Facts, dude. But no, I mean, this is peculiar. What is he? First of all, what was he before this? What do you mean? What race?

I don't even know what he is. He's Thai. Probably, yeah. He's Thai. Yeah. Oh, my God. Let the baby go, dude. He's sucking the life force out of her. He's trying to get her youth.

I mean, this is... No, Al, you didn't see this? I'm just... It's insane, right? Wow. Yeah, I mean, this is just so... No, this is prosthetics or something like that. I don't believe this is real.

That's not real. It's a robot, right? It has to be a robot. It's some April Fool's shit, right? This is fucking... When did it come out? This is April Fool's. No, this was like February 22nd.

There's music or... No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. There's no way it's real, dude. Look at the eye sockets. Yeah, he's old, dog. Yeah, but don't you think they'd be more like squinted? Oh, my God. Yeah, he's old.

Yeah, but don't you think they'd be more squinted? Oh, my God. It's got to be fake. He's not from Thailand. Maybe after 100, they start getting bigger. It's the tipping point. Have you thought about this? Having a do not resuscitate once you're 105?

No, I want to run it. I want to run it to the wheels fall off. You're in a coma. Yeah. i think i come back from that okay i think i would come back from a coma fully incapacitated in a coma you're 105 years old dude imagine how terrifying that is you're in the coma you could hear everything still but you just can't communicate and they're deciding whether to pull the plug or not that's the thing what that happens to a lot of people they're like oh yeah i'm so glad you didn't like pull the plug they remember everything yeah like i can hear you the whole time yeah and then like one person like one parent was like yeah let's just you know and then the other parents like no we got to keep him around and then he wakes up like piss as fuck

at his dad for trying to kill him that's the thing that's actually happened i've seen that there's a video of this i mean i don't know if there's a video like That's actually happened. I've seen that. There's a video of this? I mean, I don't know if there's a video. I need to see this person. I don't think they're just filming the kid like, let's kill him. I mean, why not? You're not trying to make content? Yeah, that's a good point.

But we should have that. We should have one of these people on the podcast. Yeah. I would love to know what they do. Someone in a coma? Yeah. They kind of just laid it, bro. Yeah, they're mostly laying. No, but how you feel after.

Not what they do physically, assholes. How do you pass through the day? Like, you're aware. You have your thoughts. You can hear everything going on. You just can't communicate. So you're just taking in everything and just thinking all day? Yeah.

Jesus. That's your worst nightmare. My worst fucking nightmare, literally. Oh, my God. Maybe. Yeah, dude. If I take too long a nap, fucking kill me, dude. That's my point.

That's why i don't think you can handle being in a coma yeah that would be crazy that would be absolutely terrifying yeah you're just sitting there like fuck i would that's why if you're in a coma i'm gonna pull a plug can you get bricked up in a coma probably i'm sure you can with the power of blue that's a physical response dude that is sick yeah yeah yeah yeah well no it's a a mental response. Like Stephen Hawking can get boners and shit. He got his wife pregnant. Is that true? Yeah, after he was crippled.

He cheated on his wife, and he got the other one pregnant. There's no way. Yes. Is that actually true? You didn't know about this? Pimping, pimping, pimping. Look this up. Nah, you got to let him cheat.

And the girl that he cheated with was the girl who taught him how to speak without speaking anymore. Oh, you got to give her some pussy. I mean, some dick, but yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he did it. I mean, that's game though. After 11 years of marriage, his wife, I think filed for divorce in 2006. There was immediate speculation Hawking was cheating on her, something he strongly denied.

And then he got remarried. He can't strongly do much of anything, to be honest with you. How is he going to argue with his wife through the computer? That's the worst part. Yeah, she could just turn it off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm tired of listening to you. The volume just goes down.

You want to hit some feelings, no facts real quick? Yeah, let's hit some feelings, no facts immediately. Do you see it? Hezbollah, Caleb Presley. Yo, shout to Caleb. I fucking love it. You're killing it. So Caleb Presley,

the Sunday conversation, he had Hezbollah on. He went out to fucking Dubai, and he's's just great he's just fucking murdering it and uh it was just so funny it was brilliant he's great i love this kid we need to get his bula we need to get his i would love that yeah are you gonna tickle him i yes what can you do to him like what are the rules well he's just an 18 year old person so whatever you do to regular? Like, what are the rules? Well, he's just an 18-year-old person, so whatever you do to a regular... But he'll hit you at full strength. Yeah.

But he's smaller. Yeah, but full strength is... Yeah. You all want to see him fight Al for real? He popped Caleb. He keeps a knife on him. He does. Yeah, he keeps that thing on him.

What if we got him to fight Al? Just a regular, like, just wrestle. I would love to see that. Al's our retard. You can't do that. Yeah. And I would love to see who's stronger, him or a little person. I mean, yeah, I don't see that al's our retard you can't do that yeah and i would love to see who's stronger him and a little person i mean yeah i don't think that he's that strong

yeah i don't think but he's he's fun he's entertaining uh he looks peculiar and uh i think he fakes the voice a little bit that's just my hot take i don't think he i i think he speaks like a normal russian but i think he understands that it's funnier for the character to raise it up like tyrian and it wasn't you know oh what do we do for the game at 12 you know what i mean like he's trying to be funny say again don't they got different things what what's hezbollah's thing i don't know what his exact thing is he's not a dwarf yeah watch your well what is he he looks like uh pretty dwarfy he's just i don't know he's got like a developmental thing where like he looks like a kid whereas

dwarves don't look like kids yeah they don't they kind of do peter dinklage looks like a kid i mean if he shaved him he'd probably look like a fucking kid if he walked up to you asking for like a lollipop or something like that you wouldn't be like what are you an adult asking for a lollipop don't you think no if he was hairless now i think his face looks a little aged yeah yeah he has ghd growth hormone deficiency now i remember that girl that was the pedophile's dream that she was like 22 but she looked 12 or whatever she sounded like a kid hezbollah might have that uh andy milan, she sounded like a kid. Hezbollah might have that. Andy Milonakis, he sounded like a kid. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's always shocking how many black people know Andy Milonakis.

That shit always throws me off. As much trouble as black people have remembering names. But that is... Andy Milonakis, they all know. Why is that? How do black people know about Andy Milonakis? I got a theory. We didn't know that one. Let Miles go. This is going to be good. speak for all black people i will

i will he was on right before wild and out like his time slot was literally the top of the lead into wild now i used to watch both that's a scorching hot take we don't really come early to stuff but not exactly maybe the punctuality well you know mtv usually replays shit yeah that's a great take thank you that's a good point miles okay did you see uh see how much better it is when you just present it as bullshit always start with i have a hot take and then we're going to believe everything you say okay got it but then when you tell us exactly why the reason is yeah that's where you're gonna get in trouble yeah i got it now did you see uh our place on reddit have you heard about this oh you're telling me this is this is awesome this is this is really cool basically reddit does this as like a uh like an april fool's thing they did it back like 2017

then they brought it back this year basically what happens is every little dot you can can't really even see it on here every little dot is a uh a pixel that you're able to place if you have an account and there's just like i think it's like a million pixels, like the whole plot. And basically what you do is you go and you place a pixel and you can only place one like every 20 minutes. So basically you have an entire like, all these communities that got together

and they're trying to place pixels in order to like create visuals. And then over time they fill up the whole thing and then you have different groups like warring over each other for land. And so they're trying to like place pixels over each other. So like they dropped a, like every time the American flag is dropped,

people try to like take it over. And so like they post it. And then like, there was a whole thing where like the trans flag was up and the Germans had their little thing. And so the trans people in Germans were fighting and all these different like sub communities are like fighting and warring with each other through this like sandbox. I just think this is brilliant.

Like communal effort right here to organize the amount of people necessary to make that flag or make these little, what is that? Ozil? I don't know what that is, but this is genius, dude. I mean,

David, do that on Minecraft. Like that you'd meet in the little world and then built like the starship enterprise cube by cube. Yeah, exactly. But can you do it 20 minutes at a time? I think that's what's so crazy about it like you need so many people i this isn't the best depiction of it because you

can't see how small the little pixel is yeah right like that american flag is how many pixels mark i mean thousands thousands so it's like you need thousands of people organized knowing exactly where they're going to place which color where and doing it every 20 minutes ah so cool people have jobs anymore i know i love that incels found a hobby no this is i just think it's $1,200 a long way group organization now this is fires kind of sick right and the indians had a big faction what do they do where that shit is at they put an indian flag somewhere that shit is popping over you know it's over here you feel pride when you see your flag though you see an american flag fired then you see a chinese flag you're like get that

shit out of here and they did yeah well they're starting to yeah no you got the indian flag right here right oh there it is yeah y'all doing your thing good call bro yeah okay what else we got all right so there's this rapper i think this is like maryland this is like one of the most insane things i've ever seen he oh he's a rapper goo new yeah he got shot like two weeks ago past r.i.p and he passed away and like basically like his family or like his friends got together and they threw his like funeral in a club And they took his body, his corpse, and basically embalmed it, dressed him in full Amiri, and then put him in the club with everyone partying.

That is hysterical. He's just posted up in the corner, and everyone's there legit going crazy. That's fire. Wow. Yeah, that's fire yeah that's wild yeah that's wild i mean kind of crazy damn i mean but also looking fly as fuck what if somebody bumped the table apparently i i just read this i don't know if it's true but like towards the end like the state of his embalming wasn't as good like they were going for like five six hours so like his jaw was like sewn shut like locked shut and it slowly started like open up

it turned into a thing they had to get like the embalmer to come back and like because he's standing up he was just trying to wrap gravity. He's trying to get his bars off. I mean, yeah, it's wild. Kind of wild, though. But maybe it is. Is it wild to like, is an open casket wild? That's what I'm saying. How different is this than an open casket?

Yeah. Slightly. Yeah, I guess. The open casket are like the people that you know. But think of how much money you save not having a casket. That's thousands of dollars right there. Bang. That goes for it.

Fire DJ some drinks. But also, he might know all these people. These might just be like his family casket. That's thousands of dollars right there. Bang. That goes for it. Fire DJ some drinks. But also, he might know all these people. These might just be like his family and friends. Yeah. No, it is, right? I assume it's his people. It's an Irish wake, but it's more fun. It wasn't like a club night. I think they rented out the club and did the...

Yeah. So this is their version of it. I think it's cool. It just makes me think about how odd the open casket is. Have you done that before? I have. That shit just mad weird i laughed my fucking ass off no and i had to leave who wasn't actually nils's dad my one of my best friends dad no yeah yeah why did you laugh this is the craziest thing when i was in the same take

right say again it's just a wild take you know he saw one of his friends no and it was like an andrew and alex type of situation library thing like fuck and it was like an Andrew and Alex type of situation. It was like a silent library thing. Fuck. And it was like I knew I wasn't supposed to laugh, so I started laughing. And it was like somebody looks at you and goes, do not laugh. Right? I walked in the room and I was like, you just don't laugh no matter what. And then.

But who was the friend? Come on, read out. Who was the friend you were looking at and challenging? Honestly, I might have been alone. Probably nils no definitely not nils but like it was yeah but i remember having i was like oh fuck and i had to leave so i could go outside and fucking laugh dude that's the most fuck thing i remember it's bad right like it's it sounds fucked up but crazy i know it's not crazy thank god i'm gonna outlive you dog because i don't want you laughing at my fucking funeral no i would

laugh at your funeral that'd be fine seeing your little flabby body on the fucking sitting down there spilling all over the coffin dude no that'd be funny that'd be funny no i think we should yeah we're definitely gonna have jokes did you see that Irish guy's funeral? I thought that was dope. Or when they, is the funeral the same as when they bury you? What? Is the funeral the same as when they bury you? There's a service and then sometimes like it's at the grave site. Sometimes it's at a chapel.

Yeah, so the one that was at the grave site. Because usually I think the Irish people do like a wake. Is it called a wake? Wake. It's like in a place. It's in the funeral home, right? That shit is so fire, bro this shit made me want to die oh no i think watch this this is great so they're at this dude's funeral you gotta turn the volume way up though Hello? Hello?

Hello? Let me out! Hello? Hello? Let me out! Where the fuck are you? Hello? That's fire. Hello? Let me out of the fucking bag in here. It's fucking dark in here.

Where the fuck am I? Is that that priest I can hear? Let me out! Hello? Hello? Stop that! Stop all the hating! Hello? Hello? Please! Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Please!

Hello? Who's that? Hello? This is Shami, I'm in the box. No fucking fun to you. I'm dead. You gotta hear that. Hello again.

Hello. I just called to say goodbye. I'm dead. I'm dead. I'm dead. I'm dead. I'm dead. I'm dead.

I'm dead. I'm dead. I'm dead. I'm dead. I'm dead. I'm dead. I'm dead. Shout out to the audio mixer. Yeah. They did a great job, right? What are you going to do for yours then? I don't know. I don't want to plan it because i think it'll make it happen but like i i just think that that is so cool like he's aware that all these people are going to be sad on this day and then he gets and in a weird way maybe it makes

you even more emotional you're like i really miss this guy he was really yeah he's way sadder yeah at the same time you want everyone to cry at your funeral right facts i don't know what a cool moment like that's why i saved it for the end they're crying and then he just lifts their spirits there it is that's how you leave there it is that isn't that cool that's really and the dopest thing about it is it laughs can be selfish right yeah making someone laugh you feel good he's gone that is selflessness yeah and laughter you're giving somebody the laugh, and you're not there to take it. You got to think, what if that shit bombs? Yeah.

You die. Oh, you got to try it out. You got to throw it in someone else's funeral. Nah, nah, nah. That's the best, though, because to bomb and to not have to deal with the bomb? Imagine you bombed, and you died right after the set, and you never had to do the bomb. But imagine your kids are there, and all of a sudden, they're like, yo, my dad died and then he sucked at jokes. Like, the fuck?

Imagine no one showed and it's just the guy that looks after the cemetery and he's burying you and the fucking cassette starts to play. Wait, what the fuck? And he doesn't know. I'm in the box. He's prying that thing open. 100%. Yeah. Yeah. That shit, I don't know. That was cool.

Yeah, it was fire. I think that was super cool. I'm not doing that. I'm getting cremated. You're getting cremated? Yeah. Really? I don't want my body in there.

Huh? I don't want my body in there. I mean, they need even way more fire video of it. It's hot. Turn the fucking fire off. Yeah. Wait, you really are getting cremated? That's not very Catholic.

Yeah, I'm surprised y'all do that. Yeah, I don't know. Both my grandparents got cremated. Are they Catholic? Yeah. Aren't y'all not supposed to do that? We're supposed to do that. Oh, really?

Yeah. Are y'all not? I don't know. I didn't know there was a rule against it. I gotta ask. Yeah, you definitely can't get cremated, dude. Where are you gonna get your ashes spread? I'm not gonna give them a spread.

I'm gonna get them put in an urn and buried. That's super gay. Why? It's also cheaper too. It's a smaller plot. Yeah, less plot. Yeah, I mean... What? You're going to get your ashes and then bury the ashes? Getting buried is weird though. Why?

The whole casket and all that, like for what? I agree. That's weird, like for what? Nah, it's better. Why? Well, what if you actually do have to lay like that for the rest of your eternity? I mean, you're buried anyway. casket and all that like for what i agree that's weak like for what no it's better why well what if you actually do have to lay like that for the rest of your you know eternity i mean you're buried anyway just burn me get me out of here you want to be ash just piled up are you gonna do this whole ganges river thing hell yeah bro burn you on the pipe yeah wait what is that what is it like all the bodies get put on uh no you you get cremated. Cremated. And my wife, because she can outlive me because she nagged me so much, she can fly to India,

spread my ashes in the Ganga, and then I'm out. Wait, that's actually a thing? Yeah. Can we go? No. You think that they're going to let a brown person take some mysterious powder onto a plant? Happens all the time.

No, it doesn't. Yeah. Really? Yeah. Kunal did it, I'm pretty sure. Shouts to Kunal. With whom? His dad. No way. Yeah. Really? Yeah. Kunal did it, I'm pretty sure. Shouts to Kunal. With whom? His dad.

No way. Yeah. Wow. That's far. I'm going, though. If she doesn't do it, I'll do it. I'll spread them. Yeah, that's got to be a dirty-ass river, though.

Yeah. That's part of the pollution. Fucking two billion Indians just getting dumped in that daily, dude. India, not a clean place, dog. You know what I mean? Fit in. Where do they light you on fire? I want to go there.

You get cremated. Right there. Say again? Yeah, you get cremated. What do you mean right there? They're not lighting them on fire and then just... Pull up the Anthony Bourdain episode right there in these giant pyres, and then they're put into the river, and then he was on the other side getting the ashes spread on his face from some wild guy.

I haven't seen that part. It was like a wild cast of folks. Dushan, am I wrong? They light you on fire there, right? Yeah. In India. Now, in America, you go to a funeral house, you have the funeral, funeral home, whatever, and then you get cremated.

Like, that's it. Yeah, I don't know. It's wild. But why? You want to go full casket? Yep. Why? It's super lit. And are you going to do it? Why? Why so but why you want to go full casket yep why it's super

lit and are you why i want to pick out the outfit and everything because i'm taking that wherever i go okay or if i run it back like you don't know if we could run this back that's a good point so yeah i want to even if it's bones dude yeah yeah well if you run it back you you're not gonna wear the same clothes in your next life no but, but they'll have an idea of what I like. They can stylize anything. You don't think God knows that already? Yeah, it's assuming it's God, but what if it's a simulation? You know what I mean?

Like, what if it's the aliens? You don't think they know that already? No. They're busy, man. They got a lot of other things going on. Is your suit also going to be three-quarter length on the pants? Yeah. His casket's going to be three-quarter length. His legs are going to be three quarter length on the pants? Yeah. His casket is going to be three quarter length.

His legs are going to be sticking out. Like a fucking magician. Okay. Anything else before we get out of here, boys? No, that's all for me. You want to talk to Gerard? Oh, fuck. Yeah, we didn't talk about it.

Well, I'm going to talk about Gerard on SNL. Yeah. Did you guys see it? I did. Did you see it? Did everybody see it? At least the clip? Yeah. Al? Yeah. I saw his special. did you guys see it i did you see it everybody see it at least the clip yeah al yeah i saw his special i didn't see ah okay i haven't seen the special so you can break that down for us but uh gerard carmichael hosted snl and uh he came out as gay on his

special yeah um and then uh he came out uh i guess as gay as well on snl if you didn't see the special yeah and um and yeah uh his hands are gay now i i noticed that too yeah that was the first thing i picked up it knows a lot it was like a lot of wristy yeah it was a lot more wrist yeah yeah yeah because we know gerard yeah and i it wasn't as much yeah this is how it crazy andrew is okay can i tell this story do you remember this story he's the fucking craziest person i've ever met we're at swingers diner andrew and me i've never met gerard but gerard walks by before we knew gerard was gay obviously we wouldn't take him to swingers you know we didn't take him he walked by saw andrew then came in and sat next to us okay and they're giving're giving each other love. How you doing? What's new?

And Gerard is like, hey, everything is great, man. I have my second special dropping in three weeks. It's called Eight. Really excited about it. And Andrew goes, hey, man, that's awesome. Can you do me a favor and not do that thing where you don't get laughs? Oh, shit. Because I'm tired of having to explain to people, no, no, this guy's really fucking funny.

But they don't get it because they never laugh. So can you just be funny? Yeah. He didn't funny yeah he didn't he said that to his face he didn't take your advice on this let me clarify i did say i i and and i do mean this i've seen gerard actually fucking crush with hilarious bits so i told him i was like dude i've seen you i know what you can do you can murder on that fucking stage but you're putting out these specials which don't show that you're murdering and i gotta justify to people how fucking hilarious you are so i said i was like yeah don't do that thing where you like i don't know if you're trying to be like artsy or something like that but like don't do the thing where you're not making people laugh bro because i you're a

piece of shit it's about me your specials are about no wildest dude he's the wildest wrong to say i thought i'm looking out it's just wild as fuck bro yeah well anyway he did the uh well he hosted snl yeah and i saw the open monologue and he looked fucking great in that double-breasted suit i'm not gonna lie he looked fucking good yes you know very good for sure for sure gay dressed that well yes no way you're not gay dress is way better now that he's out absolutely never dressed that well while he was in yeah out killing it killing it definitely more wristy but at the same time if you're controlling your wrists for your whole life they're free the first couple weeks you're gonna want to let it go yeah

right don't you if your whole life you're like i just fucking keep it like that you know yeah yeah don't you absolutely oh dude i'm looking like one of those things outside the car dealership if i come out of the closet i am fluid yeah okay um and then and then he drops his special which a lot of people are saying looks absolutely amazing etc is it traditional stand-up special it's called rathaniel i haven't seen it no it's not traditional stand-up it's more like just him coming out the closet and telling his whole story leading up to that moment got you and using jokes and using stories in order to so if you look at it through the lens of a typical stand-up special then maybe you're gonna be like wow this isn't as many laughs as i thought i was gonna get is that what you're saying correct okay but if you're looking at as like a performance piece fantastic interesting yeah and bo burnham directs it

people are saying it looks amazing as well looks great so that's what it is it's just lens like stand-ups are gonna look at it and go yo why aren't there more jokes in this but if you have no clue that gerard's even a stand-up which there probably are a lot of people entering not knowing that he's a stand-up and they're just gonna go oh this is a really cool story that happens to be funny every once in a while as well yeah that's a bonus yeah you know is it is it i mean it's probably different but remember john linguizamo's one-man shows oh yeah yeah like those had serious moments as well but then also is that what it is i mean it's hard to say like he's just sitting the whole time is like there's no it's not theatric at any sense.

Like, I don't know. I don't know. How do you really label this? And, and shot in a really interesting way. People kept really interesting shot at the blue note. I almost think it's intentional to be right across the street from the

cellar and not shoot at the cellar. Why? I don't know. It's just not, I think it's hammering home the point that it's not standup. Now, most people wouldn't pick up on it, but if you're a standup, I think who knows New York, you'd be like, huh, right across the street from the point that it's not stand-up. Now, most people wouldn't pick up on it, but if you're a stand-up,

I think who knows New York, you'd be like, huh, right across the street from the cellar and not at the cellar. Do you think there was like a jazz play to it? I mean, this is notorious. Maybe it's a jazz play, maybe. Yeah. And the lighting, again, is beautiful. Yeah.

And there's like, I saw some of it. I probably saw 20. I saw it until he comes out of the closet, and it was like really visceral. I just want to hug him and tell him, like, look, man, when you came out as bi, you said you were gay yeah you know what is what did you think we were confused about i just don't know you went through a lot of pain you didn't need to go through is what i'm saying as someone who cares about a guy's mental health. We know. You know?

Stop torturing yourself, buddy. Live your life. Dude, that is funny. Because he came out his bye, I think, on The Breakfast Club. Was it The Breakfast Club? No, it was an HBO special to his mom. He told his mom, I've had sexual experiences with other men in his home movies or whatever it was called. And so it's like, what secret did you think you had, buddy?

I don't understand. Oh shit, I didn't know that. Yeah. Oh, so you're out already. Yeah. That's my thing is, bruh, why are you going through this pain? Yeah.

Right? Like, dog, you don't need to do this to yourself. Yeah, that's interesting. You gay. It's okay. I tuned into this special knowing you were gay and the only thing that bothered me was 25 minutes in the big secret was some shit we already knew yeah it's like you had like a whole thing like i'm gonna hey i got some secrets i need you to know and then 25 minutes

in you were like sometimes i'm an asshole dude what idiots fucking bisexual men are what fucking idiots, dude? Dealing with women when you don't even have to. What an absolute dumbass, right? You have the opportunity not to do it, right? You love dicks

just as much. Yeah. Like, more. Say again? More. More. Well, no, if you're bi,

let's say it's even. I'm not saying he's bi. I'm just saying a you're by let's say it's even i'm not saying he's by i'm just saying a by person do you think it's even for tell us how you feel tell us how you feel dove what is it like you with me right no no i don't think he understands what i'm saying i know explain to him what i'm saying no you're trying to come out as by right now just tell us how you feel yeah yeah if you're notice he's controlling his wrists no um i guess what i'm saying is if you had the opportunity to just be fucking by about it yeah i mean just be gay about it like if it's 50 50 now life might be more difficult sure depending like what industry you're in but if you worked at like Zara,

probably be gay. No. If you worked at Zara, you're gay. If you worked at Old Navy, you're straight. Yeah. Yeah. There you go. You play.

100%. You work at Fight Club, you know, just fucking lean, lean left. Yeah. You know, but if you work at Zara or you're working like at sephora wouldn't you rather be the gay guy like talking about blush and shit yeah yeah yeah 100 i see what you're saying you're doing a show in new york maybe you're gay you're doing a show in

toledo maybe you're straight dude that bi shit is fire when you think about it which one no you just because just keep you can keep whoever you're in a relationship with on their toes code switch yeah keep arguing with I'm going to start sucking dicks again.