Andrew Schulz's Flagrant with Akaash Singh - Joey Diaz BEST Prison Stories, Touring with Joe Rogan, & Selling Drugs

Episode Date: May 23, 2023

Get up, c*******as, we have Joey “Coco” Diaz in the studio with us today. Joey’s talking about meeting Joe Rogan, the cocaine 80s, kidnapping, prison, Cuban culture and why LA is so corrosive. INDULGE! 00:00 L.A. Women are weak - couldn’t raise his daughter there 01:39 No woman like Joey’s mom - GANGSTA 04:42 Dad ran with the Jews 08:25 Joey grew up fast + supplying Sticky Charlie 12:14 Running numbers in the Bronx + collecting up 14:40 Mom going back to Cuba? + couldn’t get sister out 16:53 Joey can’t leave + Seattle Troubles 24:39 Day in the life of criminal Joey 30:34 Had to leave + 1984 NYC was WILD 37:06 Scarface changed everything + NYC was on fire 42:53 Getting locked up - inevitable + “we have to teach you a lesson” 52:47 Homeless + Credit Card finesse + itchy in Colorado 58:40 The Kidnapping story 01:26:24 Rapport with Judge is paramount + petty criminality 01:30:34 Prison - gangs + hanging outs in Aids facility 01:41:39 Becoming an entertainer - Pryor + Prison 01:50:24 Prison takes away your manhood 01:51:49 Messing with other prisoners 01:55:19 Meeting Joe Rogan & Mitzi Shore + Comedy Store 01:59:58 Comics don’t listen - Mitzi, Kinison, Hicks, Handler 02:09:40 Andrew’s 1st time watching Joey + always learning 02:15:00 LA is horrible + New York is change 02:21:02 Water drinkers spoilt NYC + life has changed 02:22:09 Joey’s daughter is his consigliere 02:24:27 Being good on stage + Testicle Testaments 02:30:32 Rogan’s impact + the Podcast was perfect 02:40:02 Book nearly got cancelled - the story that got taken out 02:43:01 Getting so paranoid, Joey called cops on himself 02:44:29 Supplying Whitney Houston 02:48:35 “Matthew McConaughey, you suck” 02:53:01 Has Joey got all the juice out of life? Sage advice from Slash

I never bought a place in that land. Oh, really? I knew I wasn't going to stay. And once I had my daughter, I knew I wasn't going to raise her there. There was no f***ing way. Why? Because the women out there are programmed to be weak. I don't come from a weak society.

What do you mean they're programmed to be weak? I go to Big Brom yoga and he changed my world. I can't hang out with you. Yeah, you don't want your dad. You know what I'm saying? Like it was just the Harvey Weinstein and just what I saw with the women out there, how they acted. I didn't want my, I wanted my daughter to be tough.

I want to be Jersey tough. You know what I mean? When somebody comes over, well, you need a role. You need to come up with my hotel room. Go your mother. Yeah. That's what I wanted from her. I didn't want to raise a victim as a woman in L.A. I did not want to raise a victim.

We're not victims. You put yourself in that position. You knew he wanted his d*** sucked. And then they want to attack you 10 years later. They want to attack like Mr. Big. Mr. Big was the king of New York behind Tony Soprano when he was on that show. Yeah, yeah. Any restaurant he walked in.

Sex and the City, Mr. Big. Yeah, Mr. Big. Any restaurant he walked in. That's true. The hostess is going to, oh, it's Mr. Big. Yeah. What are you going to say? You want to stiff my nose back? I mean, I don't know.

And then when you don't pay attention and ten years later when you're about to release a movie, that's when the memory comes back. Yeah. And you tried to finger him at the Soho Club one night. Come on, man. Come on. You know? Yeah. You put yourself in that position.

Yeah. As a woman. Yeah. I was raised by a woman that ran with men. Like, she had a book that ran with men. She had a bookmaking operation. Yeah. And I've seen her getting into arguments with men and go f*** yourself.

Go f*** yourself and I'd be scared for a minute. My mom had no victim in it. It's fun, yeah. And the women I grew up with had no victim in them. Yeah, but maybe they just didn't have the opportunity to. It's like maybe they were victimized at such a young age that they were like, yo, this is part of life. And maybe in LA, everything's so nice until you want a job in Hollywood, and then all of a sudden you see reality. So you don't grow up in reality because everybody's coddling you and taking care of you, where your mom saw some absolutely wild shit.

Wild shit. Her mom saw some wild shit. Wild shit. I mean, to be a lady running numbers is already crazy. Well, let's get back to the beginning. My mother went to a dance with her sister in Cuba. Her sister went outside. My mom couldn't find her. My mom went outside, and she was getting raped by some guy. So my mom broke the bottle and stabbed them and killed them.

Her family sent her to the United States to hide the shame. They sent her up to the Bronx with some distant cousin. My mom met some Puerto Rican. Yeah, because she's like. She's protected her sister. Yeah. Because it's a different world sometimes for people. What you see as a victory, like when I tell this story, some people go, well, she was a animal.

No. What? She was protecting her sister, who I still talk to. She's like the queen of Cuba, my aunt, Rosita. Really? So I still talk to her, and that was never forgotten. So she got thrown into this f***ing life. She hooked

up with a Puerto Rican girl that was a numbers runner. And the next thing you know, they were opening up their own bank. My wife, my mom went back to Cuba, had me and my sister gangster with a f*** fucking alias, and came back here. Again. Again, as an alias, opened up a bar, a numbers operation, a restaurant, with a fucking alias.

That's why when my mom died, I didn't get no Social Security. Hold on, so you're talking about... Are you with me, motherfuckers? This is 1950s. This is 1940. Okay, so 1940s, she leaves Cuba. Goes back to Cuba, what, 1961, maybe? So right after...

Right after Fidel, like a fucking animal. Nobody's going back to Cuba. Yeah, bro. Empty flight. No, because they had... Listen, my mom's not in the fucking, my wife and I hired an attorney like 10 years ago. The only family I have that went through Ellis Island is my uncle. Everybody else came like fucking. Illegally.

Illegally. Like, you know, everybody else came in. I didn't know what until this day. I can't figure it out. Do you have like a social security card? I was born in Cuba, but I have a New York City merchant to begin with. If you come legally, you're kind of a pussy, bro. I don't really know what those motherfucking criminals were doing, my mom and my dad.

I have no idea what the fuck they were running. Okay. I have a history about my dad being here also young and teaming up with young Jewish guys down in the village. And they were doing some fucking dirty shit. Was it raising a rent? It was like heroin and shit. I saw pictures of my dad. And he was as Cuban as could be, but he had like a fucking tattoo of a star on his arm.

And he wore like a fucking Jewish star on his chest. And he wore a beanie. That was his fucking tangle. A little beanie. A really little beanie. A little Yarmulke. Yeah, man. And I couldn't figure it out.

I'm uncircumcised. Are you Jewish? I don't know. Culturally. You might be Jewish. I'm uncircumcised. Yeah. But that's how they do it back then.

Yeah, I still got a turtleneck. So, you know, plus I saw like my friend's bombs. Plus I saw this different type of woman. And also I go to L.A. and everything is very like fee fee. And I see women setting themselves up like they were setting themselves up for something to happen. And then they want to attack you because their world wasn't complete. And it happens with us also. We do the same fucking shit.

How do we do it? I don't know. We fucking. I didn't think that that far either. I didn't think that that far either. But no, it's just kind of weird. So I wanted my daughter. I didn't want her to be raised in like a fucking weird society.

Yeah. I didn't want her to see some real shit. Yeah. Like my daughter, there was a, you could take off at her school if you weren't, if you booked a job. Oh, did she go to one of these like LA art schools or whatever? Yeah, it was like the best grammar school we could find. We put her in. Yeah.

Bert Kreiss' daughters went there. We all went there. Yeah. Today, I'll tell you, the school sucks dick. It was the worst school. My daughter hated it. She's like, they didn't even have a building. You were outside. You know? And it was

while I was there, I would take her and I would just see the attitudes of other people. And I didn't like it. It was too, we don't need this in the schools. We don't need this little acty, fucking wacky shit in the schools. The priority shouldn't like it. It was too, we don't need this in the schools. Yeah. We don't need this little acty fucking wacky shit in the schools. The priority shouldn't be Hollywood. And when it comes to kids, man, look, I want my daughter to be a kid.

I don't want her to grow up like I did. When I was 10, I was fucking, you know, running numbers. I'm in the city in the afternoons going to peep shows. It's fun when you're 10. But then when you grow up, you're like, that's why I had so many fucking, because I grew up too fast. I never enjoyed my. You didn't have a childhood at all. Yeah. It's fun when you're 10. But then when you grow up, you're like, that's why I had so many fucking, because I grew up too fast. I never enjoyed my. You didn't have a childhood at all. Yeah.

Not really. Like, yeah, we had a childhood, but it wasn't what kids do today. Yeah. You know, we were already selling glue, the glue junkies on 148th Street. You got to remember, dog, my first 10 years. Why couldn't they just go buy glue? Because they would, but the glue guys threw them out because he knew he was going to, let's get to the beginning of the story.

Important tour information, timely, right now. If you're watching this or you're listening to this, tickets just went on presale for the Atlantic City Show at Ocean Casino. That's going to be wild. The show's going to be July 29th. The presale code is theandrewschultz.com if you want a link. We're also adding a few more cities. We got Raleigh, North Carolina. We're going to come to Nyack, New York. And we also got Bethlehem, Pennsylvania,

the Wind Creek Events Center. So theandresholes.com for those tickets. I'm not sure exactly when Bethlehem will be up, but just keep following it at theandresholes.com for that. And go get those pre-sale tickets for Atlantic City. More dates to come.

Thank you guys so much for coming out to Gary, Indiana. That was incredible. Yeah, it's just awesome to be back on the road seeing you guys out there, man. So I look forward to it. Peace. 148th Street was my godmother out there, man. So I look forward to it. Peace.

148th Street was my godmother's house. Okay. And I would go up there on, like, the weekends. And there was a model place. And when I came from Cuba, I didn't speak good English, so I was ashamed to talk. Okay. So I would just get fucking models and build stupid fucking models of ships and Superman. Yeah.

And every day I would go down to that model place and there was always a skinny guy outside. You know, like, hey, kid, are you going to go inside? Can you get me a tube of glue? And one day the dude said it to me. He goes, don't get that fucking guy glue. He snorts it. And I'm like, snort it? I don't even know what the fuck you're talking about. I'm like five or six.

I don't oblo. What the fuck are you talking about? So then I caught him one day. We were taking out, my godmother owned three buildings on 148th Street and Broadway. And I was helping her take the trash out. And I caught him behind the garbage can, huffing. But when I caught, his name was Charlie. I go, Charlie. And he went like this.

The bag stuck to his hand. He couldn't get rid of the bag because the glue had been on his hand and the bag. So we started calling him Sticky Charlie. So I figured he would get a check from the government

every month because he got hit in the head with like a missile in Vietnam. So then that government check called this motherfucker would go to a glue place

and buy a case of it and then spend all the money. I still remember it was, he lived like on 148 between Broadway and Amsterdam, and we would walk to his house, and he'd be having glue parties in the basement with a bunch of glue holes.

This was before crack came on, it seems. There were glue holes, right? So I went to my mom one day, and he had a hard time buying glue. He would always have a hard time. Let's say the glue was 25 cents a tube. Nobody would sell him glue. So I told my mom, let me borrow

20. I'm going to buy a case of glue and pimp this bitch out. So that's your first mark. That's my first mark. I started hitting. How old are you? You're five years old? Six, seven. I'm selling glue to Sticky fucking Charlie. And I'm hanging out. I'm living on 88th Street. Right there. on 88th Street. Yeah. And what?

Right there, right? 88 and Broadway. Broadway, okay. I lived on 205 West 88th Street. I went to PS166. And fucking that neighborhood was okay. Yeah. They were like white kids that were okay, you know?

Yeah. I had like a Chinese girlfriend. Her father worked for Schultz. You know, the dude who fucking draws. Charles Schultz. Charles Schultz. Charles Schultz. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He was a Chinese.

So we would go to movie theaters, and they closed the movies in New York City. Another guy in my building was the producer of Beatlemania. So we went to see Beatlemania's kids, like a rehearsal. It was a great neighborhood, but 148th Street was a way better fucking neighborhood. Yeah. They had Puerto Rican kids. Yeah, it was more fun. Irish kids.

Yeah, yeah. Jewish kids, and they were all dirty. Nobody was clean. In fact, I used to dress down when I went up there because I didn't want them feeling bad. I'm a West Side kid. I got my own air conditioner in my room. These guys live in a room with a fucking

fan on, with sheets on at night. So I would dress down. I would put holes in my pants. I would put holes in my pants. I would put money in my back. But these kids were hustlers. They were already shaking down the neighborhood. Really? They had two blocks that they would go into and say, listen,

we want to take your garbage out, clean the windows, sweep. No, we'd break the fucking windows. These kids were already young and they were anywhere from six to ten. So, okay, real quick, back up. You've catch your first mark, is your mother proud? My mom don't fucking know. I thought you're like, yo, give me 20 bucks.

I need to buy glue for models. So where do you get in your head like I can take advantage of this situation? Just because he's fucking fucked up. Would she be upset or you think she'd be like, okay. Nah, she would have giggled about it. Also, Antonio, what the fuck are you doing? You can't be selling glue. Yeah.

But you talk about no childhood. No six-year-old is going to see a business opportunity at six years old. That's a grown-ass thing. No child today. Yeah, okay. The other day, my daughter got in the car after kickboxing, and she goes, do I have an Uncle Julio? And I go, yeah, you got an Uncle Julio, Julio Rodriguez. And she goes, when did I meet him?

And I go, you met him when you were like four up north. He owns a jiu-jitsu school in North Bergen. I go, remember we went up there? She's like, oh, yeah, yeah. I go, how is he your cousin? I go, well, our parents were bookies. And me, Julio, and his brother, Guillo, who they used to call Sandwich, because he was a fat kid. Like, we were eight.

They used to just call him Sandwich. They just gave up on him. Like, his name is Sandwich. And I said, you know what? I'll let you know. And I just called Julio. And I go, talk to him. I go, Julio, tell him what we used to do on Saturdays when we were kids.

And Julio's told her. We'd go to the Bronx. We were like, hey, we'd go to the Bronx and run numbers. And they'd pay us 50 bucks for the day. And we would be on the street corners just taking numbers from people with a fucking adult watching us. Three, four kids. And then we'd have to run errands, go get coffee, cigarettes, but that's what we did.

50 a day back then is crazy money. 50 bucks on a Sabbath? You know how many fucking Bruce Lee movies I can go to? You know how much glue you can buy? You're living. Who was doing security when, like who was collecting the money for your mom and the other girl

if, you know, the guys didn't want to pay up? No, they always paid. It was like a dollar, you know, like $2.15 for a dollar, $3.10 for $2. The biggest bet you had was like maybe $5. So there was nobody they had to worry about not paying? No, because it was all community. It was a neighborhood. Got you, got you, got you.

You know what? You're going to beat me for $5. You're going to get a beating in those days for the $5. Not like now. In those days, $5. It's not like now. In those days, for $5, you got kicked or something. Somebody threw a bottle at you or something. Yeah. And then you couldn't put any more bets in. So it was simpler.

Oh, yeah. You were fucked. You still wanted to be part of this community. You still wanted to bet. Yeah, you want to be part. That's part of it. It was a bigger punishment to be kicked out. In Harlem, in the Bronx, in Brooklyn. That's what keeps those people alive.

But who would your mother go to to give the beatings? Or would she give the beatings herself? What do you mean? Like if somebody didn't want to pay? Oh, no, no, no. Nobody really in my world gave you a beat. But there was bookmakers that did give you a fucking beat. Like to fight off whatever it was.

Like they'd smack you. Shit like that. Nonsense. Can I ask you a question? Why did your mom go back to Cuba? I have no fucking idea. This is what I'm trying to say to Cuba? I have no fucking idea. This is what I'm trying to say to you. I have no fucking idea.

And as I got older, I never asked her. And then one day she died. So I never got to fucking ask her. These are all questions that I had afterward. I have a sister that died last year. I heard that. In Cuba. She stayed.

She didn't want to come. She wanted to finish out the school year. And then Castro laid the hammer down. And there was no way to get her back. No way to get her back. And that's what really killed my mom. She went through congressmen, got attorneys, everything she could to pull her out of there. They just wouldn't let her on there.

Did they think about doing the boat situation? They thought about a lot of things. But then as she got older, she didn't want to leave. Her life was there. Her friends were there. Her life was there. And then I remember like 10 years ago, we connected and we would speak a lot. And I said to her one day, I go, listen, let's do this.

Let me, and this is my sister, but it kind of disappointed me. Because she yearned, like we always, our conversations. You ever have a conversation with somebody and every time you get off the phone we always are conversations you ever have a conversation with somebody somebody every time you get off the phone with them you got to have a drink yeah it's just you know it's like you're like before i call this motherfucker i know i'm gonna get upset i gotta call them yeah because they're my family but i know they're gonna say something i'm gonna need 22 fucking joints after this you know and would always say, well, you enjoyed my mother more than I did. And I'm like, I had it for 16 fucking years.

You know what I'm saying? Why are you putting me through this fucking dose? So one day I said, let's cut this shit. How about I fly you and your fucking husband to L.A.? You meet my wife and my daughter. You see how we live. Go to the comedy store. I'll take you to whatever the fuck you

want to do. And then we'll hop on a plane and go to Jersey. I'll show you the bar. I'll show you where we lived. I'll show you to take you to the cemetery. And she goes, no. She goes, I'm too old. I go, you're fucking 62. And then she's like, I just don't

want to. My husband works for the government. I was like, that's it. So I kind of, I didn't lose contact with her after that. I still kept in touch with her. But for me, it was like, there's nothing I could do. I can't go there. Yeah. I have no passport.

So I cannot fucking go there. Wait, you can't leave the country? No. Because you're a felon? Because of very other things. Who the fuck knows? I never went back and got a passport, really. But can you now?

Why can't you now? Because they say I got a warrant in Seattle. They say you got a what? A warrant in Seattle. For what? Like it's a misdemeanor warrant for not going to anger management class. Okay. You know, and they won't extradite me.

They won't extradite me. They won't extradite me. But, you know, if I want to give myself that, I've had attorneys to call and go, what do we need to do here? This happened in 1995. What is it that we need to do? What happened? What did you get so angry about? What was it? In Seattle?

Yeah, yeah. You know, think back to when you were, like, doing comedy for fucking eight years. Okay. How frustrated you are. Oh, yeah. You know, you want to when you were like doing comedy for fucking eight years. Okay. How frustrated you are. Oh, yeah. You know, you want to move ahead. Yeah. And then you get a little bit of steam and everything. Seattle was one of those places that as soon as I landed at, it was a nightmare.

Okay. Okay. From the minute I landed in Seattle, I got there on a Saturday at like two in the morning. By 11 in the morning, I already had police contact. Why? Jane walking. Now, where are you from? Yeah, New York.

Anybody here from any other fucking place except New York? Florida boy, Texas boy. New York, New York. Let me ask you a question. If I just pulled you out of here one day and put you in a city, and all of a sudden you're like, why am I waiting at this fucking corner? There's no cars going by. Why are these fucking sheep waiting on this corner?

And you get on the fucking thing and some cop pulls up to you. Three bicycles came up to me. Three bicycles. And a guy like a walkie talkie. Do you know what you did? And I'm like, not really. I'm from New York City. We jaywalk all the fucking time.

You take your life into your own hands. They had six cops there with walkie-talkies. Turn around, you jaywalk. I couldn't fucking believe it. I go, is this for jaywalking? Oh, yeah. You can't jaywalk in the city limits of Seattle. It's 100.

Okay. They gave me the ticket. I didn't think I was going to stay, but I ended up staying. And one day I'm in the fuck. I get up in the morning. I'm smoking a joint. I hear boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. The fuck is this?

Mr. Diaz, Seattle police, step out. You missed your court hearing. For fucking jaywalking? That's crazy. For fucking jaywalking? Yeah. So it was like the kids are fucking dead. And then I had a girlfriend.

I had a girlfriend for like six months. Great girl. And one day she says to me, I don't know how to tell you this. When I was in college, I used to fuck this guy for money once a month. And he let me go and now he wants me back and I don't know what to do. And I'm like, ugh, I need

this shit. And this is after a divorce. I just almost killed somebody in Boulder. This is after a ton of shit going on. This guy comes to Seattle. The guy who wants her back. Yeah, and comes to a club and we get into a fucking fist fight, like a push-and-rug. Can I ask one question?

Was the pussy crazy? The pussy was crazy. She's crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, you know, we got into a fist fight. I didn't throw a swing or nothing. But she got into the fight to break us up. And I pushed her. And that's domestic violence.

Oh, my God. Even in a fucking bar. Because it was something that comes from your house. So that became a ticket. It was no big deal. But then, like, it got thrown out. It got thrown out. Like, we don't have enough witnesses.

It was a word against whatever. It's a fight. People are going to get pushed. People are going to break people up. Nobody's striking nobody. Yeah. Then I got arrested for fucking actually getting into a fight. Where is this?

At the Underground, the Comedy Underground. You see that? Yeah. Great fucking club. Ron Reed, 60, 50 fucking years old on a Friday night. I'm the feature act. The emcee is up, and the fucking three kids come up to him. They're like, we don't like the show.

And Ron Reed's the nicest guy in the world. He goes, well, I'll give you your money back. I'm standing right there. He gives him the $10 back, whatever, $15 back. And the guy goes, you know what? Not only does the show suck, you suck too. And he just smacks Ron Reed. He just

smacks this 50-year-old skinny guy that didn't say anything to him. Where are the bicycle cops now? Well, the bicycle cops were coming close. So I jump on the kids. I'm like, you can't smack this fucking... I'm 35. You can't smack this fucking. I'm 35. You can't smack a 50-year-old in front of me.

Three of you motherfuckers that never done anything in your life. That's why you smacked a 50-year-old, to be tough. So we started wrestling, and then the cops came. When the cop was pulling me back, I got so pissed at the kid that I pulled the gun out of the holsters. The cop said, dog, you know I'm out of my fucking bird. You know I'm out of my fucking bird. You know I'm out of my bird, so why the fuck are you fucking with me? It was three on one. He needed a little help.

He was a Puerto Rican from New York City. He had my back, but one of the other cops saw it. I'm still on fucking. What did the Puerto Rican do? He loved me. The guy was cool. He was always upstairs. And now I'm on stage with my shirt ripped.

My hair all fucked up. Because you know we got to get paid. I didn't come down here to fight people. I came down here to get my 50 bucks as a feature actor. So they're like, Joey, are you okay to go up? Fuck yeah. My shirt's ripped. You still got the gun in your hand?

No. I'm up on fucking stage and the place is surrounded by cops waiting for me to get off. Bike cops and shit. And I'm up there fucking what the fuck. Now, were you murdering? Huh? Were you murdering on stage? Yeah. I was doing okay, you know.

And then I got off and they talked to me and they gave me another summons. But that summons went back to the fucking probation department. Hey! And now they're like, we want you to go to anger management. But in the meantime, I'm getting a deal from CBS. Wow. The guy from CBS is up there Thanksgiving to see his mom, sees me

on stage. No. I'm perfect for a fucking pilot. We're flying you down to LA. The process is in and I got all this shit going on. And these, these motherfuckers in Seattle want to throw me under the jail. Then I got arrested for a stolen car. Where? Seattle, possession of a stolen car. I was selling Hondas in Kirkland and they give me a car to drive every night. And when they did inventory, the car was missing. I got arrested on a Friday night, sat in there till Monday morning. Then the like drops charges were dropped.

I got to rest on a Friday night, sat in there until Monday morning. Then the charges would drop. So Seattle was just a bad energy place for me at that time. It was just everything I did was wrong. And trust me, I was no fucking angel. I'm not going to sit here and tell you. I was living my life like an angel.

I was out of my bird up there. So after the fucking day, I'm going to CBS had to step up and go to court and go like, we need this guy for this fucking pilot. Yeah. Dude, think about how different it is right now.

Like if you have even the tiniest bit of drama around you, they would cancel an entire show. In a minute. They went to court to dismiss charges.

They're going to produce a really like me. The name of the thing was Bronx County and they needed me because they wanted somebody Spanish that didn't look Spanish. You know how that goes.

They were still 98. The good ones. Yeah. We want a Hindu, but we don't want a Hindu. So we'll hire a Mexican and put scotch tape on his eyes. Like when they go to Benihana. You ever go to Benihana? There's no Japanese left.

They'll hit you with Carlos. He's throwing knives up in the air. Knives are stabbing people. The cartel is in there. He's going to hit you with Carlos. He's throwing knives up in the air. Knives are stabbing people. The cartel is in there. He's cooking with a switchblade. Hilarious when you go to Beniana. There's no more Japanese left. They don't want to work at Beniana.

Fucking hilarious. Bro, you have this amazing book that everybody got to check out. Tremendous. The Life of a Comedy Savage. It's great. It's out right now. Go check it out. It has all these stories. Thereremendous. The Life of a Comedy Savage is great. It's out right now. Go check it out. It has all these stories.

There's one thing that I just don't understand about your life, and it is why you go to Colorado. So I understand why you go from Cuba to New Jersey. I understand why you go from New Jersey to New York. What brings you to Colorado? Okay, 1983. I'm fucking a stone cold criminal. I got nothing going on for me. What is the day in the life? You wake up- Wake up. Stone cold criminal. That's great. Wake up, fucking go to the deli, get two eggs on a fucking bun, and then look at the paper, see who's playing tonight, see you've got a chance to gamble.

Everything, like we did everything. So I get up in the morning, go get two eggs, bacon, sunny side up, whatever. And while you're there, you're looking at the New York Times, the Daily News, you're getting lines for the fucking games. Then while you're sitting there, some guy comes in and says, hey man, I'm gonna need an ounce of Coke for Friday. Boom, I got my pigeon for the day. Let's get this motherfucker started. And then after you get him the ounce of Coke, somebody else comes to you and says, I robbed a truck today. Can you help me unload it?

I'll drive it to Pittsburgh. That type of shit. Like, it was just, I had no job. I had no parents. So there's nobody to disappoint? Nobody to disappoint. I had nothing to lose. So when I would do things with my friends, I'd go, listen,

if you get in trouble, run. I'll take the pinch because I got no family. I don't give a fuck. So everybody loves doing crimes with you. So yeah, because I'm not going to rat you out. I got no reason to rat you out. So that's what I became. Were you associated with a crime family anymore?

No, no. So it was just you and a couple of guys in the neighborhood. I was my own crime family. I was on my own. My crime watch was get up in the morning and you're going to steal time. Whatever you're going to do. Then I got a job working for one of my mother's friends on the 118th and like third by the Marquetta, by Spanish Harlem down there. We used to do numbers there.

And one day I was like, you know what? This is great. I'm getting $150 a day. I'm 20 years old. But what am I going to do when I'm 30? And this goes great. I'm getting $150 a day. I'm 20 years old, but what am I going to do when I'm 30 and this goes under and now I got to go find a job. What am I going to tell somebody that I've been running numbers for the last 30 years? So I was at a bar one night and a friend of mine came in from high school and he was living in Salt, Colorado at the time, which is a suburb of Aspen.

And I'm like, dog, I got nothing going on here. I just tried to rob a bookie. I got attacked by the dog. I was walking around with a glove on because when the cops were chasing me, I got my hand caught on the fence and it ripped the guts out. So I didn't go for stitches that night

because I was on Valium. So I had to fucking put a toilet paper roll in here with a black glove. And that's how I walked around for like two months. So not only did I have problems, but now I had a black glove on like Han from Enter the Dragon. Like the fucking. So it was just like, you know what? I got nothing going on here. Let me give Colorado a try.

When I was a kid, you know what? I got nothing going on here. Let me give Colorado a try. When I was a kid, I loved ABC News. And they always said, you know, 6 o'clock Eastern, 5 o'clock Pacific, mountain time. That always fucked with me. Like, what the fuck is mountain time? I want to go to the fucking mountains. What the fuck is mountain time? So when the opportunity came, I fucking ended up going to besought with Jimmy, his brother George, and this guy named Mike Duffy.

And we're still all tight. Mike Duffy's in Texas. Jimmy Burkle died. My brother and George is in L.A. We're still tight. Okay, so you're all going to Colorado. We're all going to Colorado. Are all you guys kind of involved in the streets? Are all you guys hustlers at this time?

Dog. Mike Duffy was a savage like me. George Burkle had just graduated from Brown. His classmate was Kennedy. Wow. All right. And his brother, Jimmy, my buddy who took me there, was another genius. He went to the Air Force Academy and got thrown off for knocking somebody out.

So he had no life now. So I ended up going to Boulder. I ended up going to Salt, which is a subsidy of Aspen, like 20 miles down the road. And then after a while, we moved to Snowmass Village, and somebody told me, here I had

no GED. I just quit school my senior year, right? And somebody goes, go to Colorado Mountain College and take some classes. So I go, you know what, fuck it. I go up there and I took 12 credits, like six credits my first semester. Then I would take six credits, six credits, six credits. Even though I was fucking stealing coke, doing coke, skiing, I still took those classes. I still took those classes. I still took those classes.

Every criminal's dream. Some leisure activities. Okay, okay. So when you're going out there, are you like, are you looking at this city and you're going, these are going to be a bunch of easy licks. They never seen this coming and we're going to absolutely... Not at all. I went out there to change my life. Different life. Okay. But after six weeks, you're like, what am I

doing? It's too easy. I'm installing fucking panel for eight bucks an hour. I can just sell an eight ball and make 200. And then I kept it under control for a long time. And then I got there like May, no, April of 83. And I kept my secret under control for like September. And then I had to let loose for football season. What do you mean? Because I just started robbing little businesses

that would leave their doors open. Because you needed to fund the gambling? When we came in here, right? When I came in here, I was talking to this gentleman who I've met before. We have a mutual friend named Shlomo. In 85, I lived in fucking Aspen.

Because I stayed in Basalt until February of 84 and then I had to leave and we'll get to that some other time and I came back here which is a big mistake wait wait tell me why you had to leave I had to leave because I had gotten out of control from September

I started robbing little cheese stores and little jewelry stores but by fucking... Cheese and jewelry are just so different. No, no, no, I'm sorry. I was robbing like liquor stores, like little things. I would go in and get like a grand and three bottles. I was a fucking demented, I was a serial thief.

But like a stick-up robbing? Nah, just breaking in at night. And then, all of a sudden, now I'm robbing a jewelry store with a friend of mine. And then I had a plan with another friend of mine, Steady Freddy, to rob the bank on Christmas Eve with snowmobiles. This guy was crazy too. So I had these people around me

and I'm like, wait a second, I'm right back to where the fuck I started. I gotta get out of here. So I went back here and this place was on fire. What year is this? Because now cocaine's everywhere. 84?

Cocaine's everywhere 84? cocaine's everywhere I still remember going up to 148th street trying to get a bag of weed when I went to see my godmother and I'm going brother we ain't got no weed on these corners there's only one thing on these corners it was crack

and 148th street for people who don't know now you know was who invented that fucking there was a guy in the middle of that street there between Broadway and Autobahn a hand sedan whatever that fuck was,

and he used to sell Buddha Thai scents, or he had the Master Mix, where he put them all together. And he gave you a fucking punch card in 1984, and when you bought 10 bags on the street, he gave you a bag for free. So, how the fuck? Like Jamba Juice? Nah, there's no Jamba Juice. No, no, no, like Jamba, how the fuck? Like Jamba Juice?

No, there's no Jamba Juice. No, no, no, no. Like Jamba. Yeah, the Jamba Juice is a Puerto Rican with a nice thing. They can fuck it. You want protein? Suck my dick. Here.

Juice. Coconut water. So now I go back to Aspen, and I end up in Aspen in maybe November of 85. Jimmy Burkle had a house that he was house sitting now. And he goes, I got to leave. But you could take the house. Oh, Jesus. It's like an $8 million house.

The guy only comes once a year. He's got 20 other houses. So sometimes he doesn't even come. He's got a Jeep you could drive. He's got all this shit. He goes, but you have to live over the garage. You can't live in the house. Fuck you.

all this shit. He goes, but you have to live over the garage. You can't live in the house. Fuck you. I'm in the house with his robe on, slippers, driving his Jeep Cherokee around town and shit. I dislocated the fucking cable so I could run up the miles. You know we're fucking animals. You want animals? I'm an animal. I'm not a nice person. I'm a fucking animal. Why would your friends even suggest you for this? Because he didn't give a fuck. He knew we were all stealing. Great friends. When I used to get jobs when I was a kid, my friends would go, oh, by the way, you got to steal.

Because if you don't steal, then they'll know I was stealing. So whether it was a bartending job, or a lumberyard. They'll suggest you. Because they know he's going to take the fall for it. You got to steal more than me. You got to steal because they'll know I was stealing. So you got to steal. bro. Because they know he's going to take the fall for it. You got to steal more than me. You got to steal because they don't know I was stealing.

So you got to steal. So now I'm in Aspen. I'm waiting to get this and move into this house. Yeah. And I'm living across the street from his deli, from his friend's deli. At the time, it was called the In-N-Out House. And they had, like, curry chicken, shit like that. Great sandwiches.

And he had a friend that worked in there, Steve, who I'm still, we still fucking talk. 40 years later, we still talk. So I kept, one night I'm sitting in front of the hotel smoking a joint. I'm like,

I wonder if you could break into Shlomo's. I wonder if you could just break, that's how I live my life. Let me just see if I could break in there. And there was a little window

on top of the door. Bro, I actually, and it's on Main Street. Cops are driving by. I fucking, some some way or another i wiggled my way into the window went in there took the 200 bucks made a sandwich and leave wow that's what i was into i was retarded i'm three days retarded do you remember what the sandwich was? Chicken curry. That's what I ate at the time. With some fucking sprouts and shit.

I'm right on all natural bread, whatever it's called. Okay, when does it catch up? When do you get caught? Wait, sorry, real quick. You talked about going back to New York. You said those are the worst 18 months of your life. Why? Just because it was too crazy and you're getting into crazy shit?

This time between Colorado and then back to Colorado. I got to tell you something. You're going to be so mad at me. Can I piss real quick? Yeah, go, go, go, go, go, go. All right, guys, we're going to take a break for a second because, listen, you could. You could.

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It's like using an app more than it's like hiring a lawyer, okay? You literally can submit a claim in eight clicks or less without ever having to leave the couch. So if you're ever injured, okay, you can check out Morgan & Morgan. Their fee is free unless they win. Think about that. For more information, go to ForThePeople.com slash flagrant or dial pound law. That's pound 529 from your cell phone. That's F-O-R-the people.com slash flagrant or pound law, pound 529 from your cell. Now let's get back to the show. Also, guys, the Bumass Cities tour is still going strong. May 31st, I'm going to be in Cleveland,

Ohio. June 1st, Columbus, Ohio. June 14th, Buffalo, New York. June 15th, Rochester, New York. We're getting into the heart of the bum-ass cities. These are all bum-ass cities. You got nothing better to do. Come to the show. Get your tickets at akashsingh.com. Also, July 13th, Zany's Comedy Club. Tickets are already almost sold out, so if you want them, hurry up and buy them now. Get your tickets at AkashSingh.com. Now let's get back to the show. And we're back. You said the Akash just asked the 18 months in New York were the craziest months.

Let me put it this way. What happened Christmas Day 1984? Anybody remember? Oh, the cop got shot. The cop got shot in Queens? No. Scarface came up. And Christmas. Scarface was a Christmas movie. Got released December 25th.

No, no, no. 1984. Go ahead. Prop it up right now. Prop it up. Fucking people were running out of the fucking things over here. The premiere. Running out. They thought they were going to hear jingle bells. They heard 10 million fucks. When I landed, it was February

1st, guys. The movie bombed at the box office. Really? At the airport in Newark when they were picking me up, my fucking guerrilla friends. They were like, did you see Scarface yet? And I go, no. I heard about it. I saw the commercials in Aspen. And they go, we're going right now.

And we went to Seacaucus Harmon Cove. How many movies they got? Like 18 over there? Yeah. They had four movie theaters, Scarface. It was three in the afternoon. All of them were sold out.

We couldn't even sit together. Like the first time I saw Scarface, my friend sat somewhere else. The place was packed and that's what I was walking into. It was a different city. It was everything had changed in this city. The city was on fucking fire.

Like if you guys are having fun now, you would have killed yourself in 83, 84. This city was tremendous. Come on now. 75 to 85, the Stones after they put Miss You Out, that fucking album was New York City. So it just picked was New York City. So it just picked fucking New York City up again. New York City was a fucking, I still remember coming over here at night. Like we would close the bars in Jersey at three, drive over, get a fucking case of beer,

and sit on the street and drink a snort Coke on the hood of your car. And nobody would say a word to you. You'd have a mirror out on the hood of the fucking car, and no motherfucker would say a word to you. You'd have a mirror out on the hood of the fucking car, and no motherfucker would say a word to you. So that's what I was walking into. That was the general attitude. Okay, so when was the city broke? Was it the 70s that New York was like falling apart? This fucking city has been

broke for 2,000 years, but they still figure out a way to kill 1,000 people a year, right? If you're broke, you got no bullets. How the fuck do all these people... This city's been broke since I was a goddamn kid. But it was like 82, 83, 84 to go out in the city.

It was a different city. And then what did I do? I got myself a job bartending at the Sheridan Center on 52nd and 7th from one... I think I went in at four in the afternoon to one in the morning. So now you're letting a 21 year old kid out into Manhattan in 1985 with $200 in

this pocket and a gram below. And you're already in Times Square. And I'm already in the heart of New York City. And they're just telling you to go to Limelight, go to this bar, ask for fucking Benny Blanco, go to this place. I mean, the city was on fucking fire, you know. There were concerts everywhere, like the way it is now, you know, just in a smaller scale, you know. It was just crazy. When you're coming up in the city, do you remember, like,

you know how you look back and we hear about, like, the gangsters? Who did Denzel play? What was his name? He was Bumpy's driver. Do you remember hearing about Bumpy at the time? I remember hearing about Bumpy as a kid. Did you ever, like, meet Bumpy? No, no, no.

So these people were protected. Frank Lucas. Oh, yeah, Frank Lucas. Frank Lucas is Bumpy. Like, do you remember hearing about these, and even something like the Italian mob guys? Do you see them in the neighborhood ever? Do you see anybody coming around? I heard about Bumpy when I was running numbers in Harlem.

Bumpy was Harlem, right? Harlem. I always heard little stories about him and shit. I never saw him or anything like that. The gangsters, I knew about a guy named Fat Tony Salerno when I was a kid. Oh, shit. Because he was in Harlem, and that's where I would always be. So, yeah, when we were running numbers in Harlem, they're like, make sure you don't

go into that neighborhood. Right. You know, that's their turf over there. So, I remember shit like that, but not, no. Nothing. No. Nothing, not nothing too fucking outrageous. So, people were aware of them, but you weren't interacting with them.

Yes. Because you see these movies that kind of romanticize their role in New York history. But I was obviously too young at the time, but I'm like, how big were these guys? It seemed like they ran the entire city. Well, like Brooklyn guys. I bet like a lot of Brooklyn guys who are maybe 20 years younger than me, they've got a thousand fucking. In fact, I live around in the neighborhood where there's a lot of Staten Island people,

and they tell me a lot of stories about Sam of the Bull and the other guys, yeah. Because they were getting it. They were right there. They were right there in Staten Island at the time. Yeah. You know, so that's really interesting, but I never really saw anybody like that.

Wow. And when you were walking around with cash and below, did you ever have a gun on you, like for protection? It was... I always learned that when you put a gun on you, it's a magnet, guys. So before you put that fucking gun on your fucking thing thinking you're a cool guy,

you better think about it's a magnet. You're going to think about how when you wear a gun, you're going to start hugging people and you're going to feel a gun and you're going to go, whoa. You ever hug somebody and feel a gun? Takes your energy away when you don't expect it. You know, if it's like a cop, yeah. But like somebody

you hug them and all of a sudden you feel like a fucking cannon under their arm. You're like, okay, it changes the energy in the room. It kind of really does. I carried a gun because I was a stupid kid. Not because I knew anything to do with it. And then as I got older, I got into guns, and now I don't want them around me because of that reason.

Okay, you go out. When do you start getting locked up? When do you start doing some time? I was always doing crazy shit, and I was getting away with a lot of crazy shit. So it came a time, I'm not stupid. I knew that something was going to happen eventually. My prayer was that it

didn't happen that would be so bad that would take me out of the game. So I didn't get involved in that high level shit. But you never know what you're doing. And that's what happened with me. So when I was here in 84, the safest thing for me to do was to rob

drug dealers. To rob drug dealers? Oh, shit. Why was that the safest? Because they can't go to nobodies. Yeah, but they got their people. But in those days, it was a lot of yahoos thinking they were gangsters. See, when I came back here, when I was here in 82 and 83,

people were selling coke. When I got here in 84, it was an abundance of coke. And it's like, I left here in 82 and 83, people were selling Coke. When I got here in 84, it was an abundance of Coke. And it's like I left here and you guys were nice college guys. A bunch of guys like me trying to be Scarface in 84. Right. There's so much money in the Coke game that the goofies came into the Coke game and you start robbing the goofies. And it's glorified probably because of Scarface. People who weren't prepared for that type of life.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They had to just sold a nickel bag on a corner. Cocaine's high stakes. It's high stakes. An ounce or two. That became the norm for me and my friends. I had two friends who turned me on to it. I'm like, this ain't

a bad fucking idea. But at that time, I was taking everything that wasn't stapled. I always found the problem. It's a beauty. wasn't stapled. Okay? I always found the problem. Ooh. It's a beauty. What do you get for this? 18, yeah.

You know, because you're a junkie. Does that ever leave you? What do you mean? No, no. Like, even to this day, do you, like, see nice shit and you're like,

nobody would even notice and I could walk right out of here with that fucking lamp. It's crazy, the shit that you notice, but now you can't do it. Right. You giggle.

But you think about it. But fuck, you know, I would walk into a mall. I remember one time in Boulder, there was a CD player, like when CDs were brand new. Yeah. And I remember the guy was on display. I remember I unplugged it,

put the cord around it, even had the remote, and I just walked out of the mall with it. And nobody said booty. And that's when you go, what the fuck are people looking at? I wanna know what people are looking at. I wanna know what people are looking at

because they're not paying attention. My thievery came from other people's mistakes. When I saw a little stupidity in your game, I had to rob you. If you're gonna be this stupid, we gotta rob you. We have to, we have to teach you a lesson. We have to teach you a lesson. If you're gonna be this fucking stupid we gotta rob you. We have to, we have to teach you a lesson. We have to teach you a lesson. If you're gonna be this fucking stupid.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There was a guy in my neighborhood that didn't wanna bring the coke into his house. So he'd hide the container under his car on a hill. That genius. I would drive by and go, oh, there goes my coke fix for the day. So I'd always just go in his thing,

take out two containers and go back. And he would always go, somebody keep stealing my coke. I'm gonna find out who it is. But you wouldn't take all of it? No. You'd just take it? Yeah, a little bit. Bro. To go. Because he'll move it if you take it all. Yeah. If you siphon it all a little.

Nothing bothers me more when you accuse me of something and I didn't do it. When I was a kid, my stepfather used to accuse me of shit. Like somebody stole the 50 cents off the thing. And I'd go, why would I take a fucking 50-cent piece off a fucking thing? I got money. I work at my mom's bar.

I do the numbers. I got a paper route. I do all this shit. Why would I take 50 cents? He got to me so much that I would see where he would hide his bookmaking money. Okay? And he was a slick motherfucker. This dude would put rubber bands, a piece of his hair.

He would do shit and put a marking on the top of the bill so he would know if the marking was on top. So I didn't want to steal from him, but I wanted to give him a fucking taste of what he put me through. So I would switch the money around. I would take the... It still got the hair in it. I wouldn't even open it.

I would take the $5,000 bundle and switch it with the 10 grand bundle. And then I would take the 10 grand bundle and switch it with his attorney fund. He thinks that he's losing his mind. And I would see him looking at the money and go... And he would accuse me and my mother of moving it. We're like, we didn't touch it.

Why would we move your money? Why would we move your fucking money? If I put my hand on it, I would just steal it. Did you say I was a thief? So I learned how to play with people's emotions. Did you ever tell him you were moving it around? No. So he died without knowing?

Never, never, never. I used to fucking go on the shower and stay in there for 30 minutes and then wait for him to go in. This is our house. We own this house in Jersey. But you buy a house for a million dollars, you can take a $15 shower. 15-minute shower and the water's gone. Why'd you pay a million dollars for it? If you're going to pay a million, I want to take a shower for three days if I want to.

So he would go in there. I would test him. So in the mornings, he would yell at me, what the fuck did you do last night? Ah. I would go in the shower long and then I knew he had to go in the shower.

And when he was in the shower, I turned the hot water off. In my shower, I turned the hot water on in my shower. And you would hear him, mama, mama. Somebody turned. I remember going in there

and he had shampoo in his hair. You know when you play with your hair and you make believe you're a devil? You put your hair up. I went in there. I'm like, what's the problem? He goes, I can't see. There's no hot water.

I fucking used to do that shit to him. I used to do everything I could at the end to trick him up. You like this guy or no? Yeah, I like them a lot. We had our differences after my mother died. I like them because I learned a lot from him. He was a fucking man's man. He's a man's man.

Like, this guy could write a book. Like, he was Cuban. And that pre-revolutionary mind frame is strong. It's really machismo. And he was part of a thing called Abaquaz. Cuba has a lot of different African religions that they've transformed over the years and turned it into Catholicism and stuff like that. But the religion that he was part of, it's a man's society. Number one rule is you can't eat pussy.

You can't be in a room with a man that's gay. So if he walked in this room and one of your associates was gay, he'd have to automatically walk out of the room. Thousand fucking, thousand rules for that shit. Sounds like he's afraid to get a fuck the guy. Why is not eating pussy at the top? I don't know. Because if you eat pussy, you'll eat anything, I guess. So if you eat pussy, you'll suck a dick.

And now in Cuba, abacus are gay. No. Now they're allowed to be gay. Wow. Was that some Castro shit? I don't know. As a way to emasculate the most macho version of Cubans? I don't know what they did, but somebody came over. Oh, Yoel Romero

told me. Get out of here. I showed Yoel one time. They stole abacus and he goes, the culture died. It showed him VR one time. They still have a quad and he goes, the culture died. It's like it died back. So all those old things, now people move forward with them. Do you remember the first time

someone scared you? Was there like a man that just fucking terrified you? Yeah. Rudy the Haitian's father. There was a kid in my neighborhood on the 8th Street. His name was Rudy. He was Haitian. So we just called him Rudy the Haitian.

Okay. And me and his son were friends like in the third, second grade we were friends a little later, like fourth grade because we moved out of there in 73. I was in the fifth grade. So towards later on we would, you know, I got beat up at Central Park in the first grade.

I got stitches in my head. So I begged my mother to put me in karate on 90th Street in West End with Mr. Orange there, the teacher up there. In fact, his son is one of Eddie Bravo's students today. Eddie, wow. Laronjo, yeah. So once I started taking karate, I got a little bit more confidence to me,

and me and Rudy started fighting. And Rudy would beat me up for like fucking three fights we had. He would beat me up. And then I got his number, and I started fucking him up. And one day I fucked Rudy up real bad, and his father came downstairs and held me while Rudy beat me up. Wow. And Rudy's father was a big fucking black Haitian dude.

I mean, he was like six foot six. He was intimidating. And he grabbed me by the arm and he went upstairs and he took me to my mother's apartment. We lived in apartment 3A. They knocked on the door. My mom was hungover. You know, it was three in the afternoon. She was getting ready to go to work.

She was in no mood for this shit. And this motherfucker says to my mom, the next time your son hits my son, I'm going to hit him and then I'm going to hit you. And my mom goes, really? And she turned right around and got the biggest fucking knife she had in that kitchen and chased him up the

steps. This motherfucker went up the steps. And the cops came and the Puerto Rican lady next to us, everybody accused my mom of having a knife. And the Puerto Rican lady said, nah, she's got no knife. So the cops let us go. But a couple weeks later, the landlord said, you guys gotta move out.

You guys got evicted. We got evicted. Because Rudy the Haitian's dad snitched? Yes. What a fucking pussy. You let a kid get beat up. You say you're gonna punch a woman and then you call a cop? Then he called a cop. Wow. Fuck, man.

But you were scared of him after that, though? I was always scared of him. He was a physically intimidating guy. When you saw him, you're six or seven. What about in jail? What about as an adult? Was there any guy you were like, this guy's off his rocker, this guy? Did you ever meet somebody that you felt was crazier than you?

Yes. Yes, in a lot of situations. Listen, if somebody's crazier than you and you know they're deep, like when they're a criminal and you know they're out there, you got two choices. You could hang out and be a part of that or you could leave.

I always tended to leave. I didn't want to take my life that deep. When I came here in 85, I was fucked up. When I came in 84, I was fucked up. I ended up homeless. By the end of 84, I was living in a fucking park in a rocket.

You know those little rocket ships that kids have on the parks when you go to a park and you climb up? A playground? I used to live in the park. Huh? Which one? 88th Street Park. On the west side? In New Jersey.

No, in Jersey. So I would stay out in the bar till three and then just crawl in there at night and sleep. And then in the morning, walk out and bust into one of my friends' house and take a shower or switch into clothing. I did that for like two months. So January of 85, I got cleaned up, and then I made a plan to go back to Colorado

and get my life together for the eighth time. I was one of those guys that I made plans to get my life together every six weeks. Then I went out to Colorado in June of 85, and I was cool for like a year. I was cool. I had money. I was fucking working. I moved

to... Where were you working? Footlocker. Oh, okay. But there's more to that story, too, because... You robbed the Footlocker. Oh, yeah. Come on. No, I robbed the whole fucking mall because before I left...

He didn't say he was good. He said he was cool. Before I left Jersey in 85, I was in the city a lot. I was working in the city as a bartender. And I met these dudes that knew how to get IDs up in the Bronx, right? So I would go up there with them to buy IDs for friends of mine. And then one day the guy goes, listen, for an extra 500, we'll give you a credit card. Oh, forget it.

An insurance card for your car. It's out of here, bro. Are you fucking kidding me? It's out of here. And I'm like, bro, let's do it. Line it up. So the guy, bro, let's do it. Line it up. So the guy would tell me how they do it. Whenever the card got made at the bank, okay, this is how we stole credit cards.

This is how fucking deep it was. Let's say they made a card for Andrew Schultz. They made two cards for Andrew Schultz. Yeah, they did. One went to Andrew and one went to me. So you were the connect at the bank? With your name on the fucking card. On every card.

And I knew everything you did. They would tell me. He just, because we had to wait for you to use the card first. So I would get the call from them. He just used it. Bang. Boom. Once we used the card and it got traced dirty in New York, we shipped it out to L.A.

Because the computer was too slow. So the computer would break into court, dog. You want to deal with the king of swing or you want to deal with the king of swing? The computer would go. So Monday, if the card got reported Tuesday, it wouldn't get to LA till Friday. So you had Thursday.

You had Wednesday, Thursday. So Monday was the east. Tuesday was the Midwest. Wednesday was mountain time. Thursday was fucking Thursday. So Monday was the East. Tuesday was the Midwest. Wednesday was mountain time. And Thursday was fucking California. So you had three days. And then, forget it. I was considered under the level, under the limit thief, which is using a card under $50 because they don't call it in.

They would just put it down and go chick, chick. So I was eating Chinese food every fucking day for lunch. You had a new credit card. For years. No. I would use the same one. That one could even be declined, and I would use it because they wouldn't run it. Oh, that's true.

When he goes, chick, chick, chick. They used to print out. Yeah, like what was that paper? They had a little paper that they looked. A carbon paper or whatever. Yeah, they basically had carbon paper, and then you send it to the credit card company and it gets the money from the bank.

So you had a whole fucking day before they even knew you charged. They even knew. It was crazy. But you couldn't go back to that same Chinese bar once they found out. Oh, I went every day. Bro.

I went every fucking day. Okay. Holy shit. So how long did the credit card thing go? Well, his name is Joey, and they're looking for a guy with a different credit card. You know what I mean?

Then when I got to Colorado, I was fine. And then it's like what you said. After like two months, I'm like. Yeah, you get itchy. I was in Boulder, which is a college town. Yeah. And I'm like, holy shit. This is like stealing.

So I called my buddy, and I go, send me some cards out. Right? So he sent me some cards out, and there was one mall in Boulder. So I'm going in there every day and buying fucking chains and jackets. But at the same time, I'm applying for work like a fucking moron that I am. So I apply at this fucking footlocker and they hire me. And after a month, I'm like the top salesman. I could do that shit with my arms closed. But a Chinese family came in one day to buy sneakers for the whole family. And I noticed they had a yellow envelope on the side of his wallet, and he

fell. So I picked it up and went in the back. There was like three grand cash in there. I go, what do I do? Do I give it back to the family? I go, fuck no, I'm snorting coke tonight. You snooze, you lose. Bro, these people wouldn't leave it alone. Somebody robbed them. Nobody robbed them. they dropped it. And they called the cops. When the cops came in, the one cop looked at me and goes, somebody's been using the credit card in here, and you fit the description. I'm like, what?

What? And then he came back three days later. And he goes, is there something you want to tell me? And I'm like, no. And he came back like a week later, and he's like, listen something you want to tell me? And I'm like, no. And he came back like a week later. And he's like, listen, man, we're getting the sizes of the clothes together and everything. We're going to come and arrest you. And I'm like, bro, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. So this went on. This went on for about two weeks. And I said, fuck this.

I'm going to San Francisco anyway. I want to go hang out with a buddy of mine in San Francisco. So I had met this girl. So I leave. I never get charged with a credit card, all right? I want to go hang out with a buddy of mine in San Francisco. So I had met this girl. So I leave. I never get charged with a credit card. All right. I go to San Francisco for six months. I go to Aspen. My house is ready. And then I live in Aspen, a house sitting for like a year. And then in November of 86, I decided to go back to Boulder with my girlfriend. I'm living in Boulder. Everything is going great. And one day I get, now, a year later, after the credit card thing. You're on the up and up?

No, I was never on the up and up. I get involved in the kidnapping. Okay. Okay? You ready for this? Yeah. Warrant gets put out. They're looking for me.

Can you give us some details about the kidnapping? Hold on. I wait the three days. I turn myself in. Who was the cop interviewing me? Oh, shit. It's the credit card cop. But he was too stupid.

He didn't remember me. Get the fuck out of here. He just kept looking at me weird. So now after I got arrested, I had to go to court and sit next to this motherfucker. And he would look at me and I kept saying, when is this motherfucker going to realize I was the one that used the fucking credit card? He never realized. And now there was two arresting officers. One guy, Jimmy Colar, that's my dog.

I still talk to him on Facebook. There was two arresting officers. One guy, Jimmy Colar, that's my dog. I still talk to him on Facebook. But this other dude was one of those dudes that was like, you know, you have to go away. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. What the fuck are you talking about?

You know, you get paid what an hour. Go take your little water pistol and go do what you got to do. You know what I'm saying? You want to be a cop or you want to be a fucking jerk off. This was a drug deal amongst drug dealers. And you're making it seem like this is the worst thing. Shut the fuck up.

Everybody knew what was involved here. Nobody got ripped off here. So you're best bet. In fact, when I turned myself in, I was yelling at him. I'm like,

you're arresting me to do your fuck for doing your job and taking drugs off the street? I mean, I wouldn't have been with that ass. You know me, dog. I'm going work it you know i'm a jew cup i'm gonna go in there and work

it as much as i fucking can so i'm like how can you arrest me i'm fucking i'm taking drugs off the street for you motherfuckers how dare you yeah and they're like joey come on knock it off we know what so you get arrested for robbing a drug dealer, but you kidnap someone during the robbery. So you get arrested for the kidnapping. No, I didn't know it was kidnapping. I thought kidnapping was I got to bring you to my house, send your uncle a note, and tell him I got your ear. Give me $250,000. That's what I thought kidnapping was.

Okay, so what was this? See, the problem was there was no law and order. See, when law and order came on, now I know everything I could do and can't do. The TV show is hilarious. Right? I'm a law and order motherfucker, right? Not a law and order SBU. I'm not a tree jumper.

I'm a law and order. Law and order. I like to steal, do drugs, and fucking whatever. So I didn't know what kidnapping was. So I get to Boulder. I'm trying to get my life together. I join up for fucking classes at the University

of Colorado. I'm not at Colorado Mountain College no more. I'm at the University of Colorado with a GED. Let's go. No college, no high school diploma. They were like, yeah, we'll give you whatever you want. I'm paying for classes. They're not even doing no background checks.

And one day I'm working and I'm paying for classes. They're not even doing no background checks. Yeah. And one day I'm working, and I'm doing coke. Like, fucking. And I started selling cars. I was making great money selling cars. Yeah. And fucking doing coke at night and taking two classes a week at night. And one day I'm at the Subaru place. I'm selling Subarus like a motherfucker.

And one of the guys that got fired, he got fired for something. He came back. And I go, where the fuck you been? He goes, I got fired. And he had like a black eye. And I go, what's the black eye from? And he goes, it's a long story. I go, we got nothing but time.

And he goes, listen to what happened. He goes, I got a DUI and I crashed against a tree. And when they brought me to the hospital, the pharmacy door was open. So he broke into the pharmacy, took all the pills and cocaine. He jumped out a window and they caught him like two days later. So now he's going to do time. So he goes, I'm staying with this guy and he's got two kilos of coke. I'm going to steal it from him and see if you can help me sell it.

And then I'm going to move to Arizona so I don't have to do this time. And I'm like, fuck, I'm living in Boulder. It's fun. I got a nice girlfriend. You know, I got a dog. I got a job. But my friends are in New York City. Getting it in.

Getting it on. They're coming to the city on the weekends. They're going to Hunter Mountain on the weekends to ski and snort. They were telling me they threw a bag of coke out on a Friday, and when they came back, all the deer were dead on Sunday. You know, it was like fucking, I'm out here with these fucking yokels. Trying to be a fucking American. And my friends are lighting their balls on fire.

Their parents are calling me, have you heard from my son? I'm like, no. My friend's parents are calling me in Colorado going, I haven't seen Anthony in a week. He went out to get a pack of cigarettes. I'm like, dog, they're in Hunter Mountain Getting it on So I was like, you know what, this girl is great But she's not going to be my wife

I'm going to help this dude do it As a matter of fact, I'm not even going to help him I'm going to rob him You're going to rob the guy who asked you You're a fucking lunatic There was no way he could do nothing. So I called my crazy friend here and he couldn't make it out.

He was fucking unloading planes somewhere in Columbia. I called one of my crazy friends here. So I had to go to a guy that I worked with at an auto body shop before I sold cars. He was like a biker. He had everything. This is why I don't like modern times. He had everything. He was like a biker. He had everything. This is why I don't like modern times.

He had everything. He had the tattoo, the sunglasses, the Harley bicycle, anything to be cool. The pitbull, tinted windows, the loud stereo. He had everything to be cool.

I'm like, what am I going to do? I got to use somebody. I can't take this guy down by myself. So I asked him, and he had a problem. He used to go to strip clubs. He was in love with a stripper. Right? But I mean, in love with a stripper.

And she left her husband. But she danced at a nude club, but she couldn't sleep with my friend Steve until she got a divorce. So she wanted him to pay 20 grand for the divorce. So this guy wanted the pussy, so that was his motivation. In fact, she moved into his house and he had to sleep on the couch

when she slept on the bed by herself. She had no intention of fucking this retard. She just wanted that divorce money. She just wanted that divorce money. My God. She's like, I'm a Catholic, I can't sleep with a man if I'm still married.

He's like, well, you dance naked every night and put your asshole on people's faces, what's the fucking difference? Wow. So that was our connection. So this is the guy that you are basically bringing on to go rob this dude. Yeah. And you already know he's a goofy. I knew it was a goofy, but in my cocaine mind, just what I had going on, I wanted to believe this was going to work.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then comes D-Day. In fact, I just got a root canal on Saturday on the tooth that the dentist fixed that morning before I kidnapped him. Because I had a dental appointment that morning. The dentist even said, I go, last time I worked on this tooth was November 18, 1870. He's like, that's interesting. How did you remember that? I go, that's the day I kidnapped the guy.

He just kept drilling. So I went to the dentist. I remember calling him and going, we'll be over there with the money, you know, to buy the two kilos from you. He was going to be my partner. He was going to, I was a middleman. He was going to buy the Coke from Kent. All right. So I was the middleman.

I was going to bring him over there. They were going to sample it. And then we're going to go back to Steve's house. And Steve was going to give him the money. And we're going to rob the Coke. We weren't going to rob, give him any money. We're going to put him on a bus to Arizona, give him like 10 grand and get the fuck out. Oh, you're going to give him a couple of bucks. Yeah. It wasn't going to be a complete robbery with kicking and all that stuff. It was just going to be a simple thing. Bella wasn't a heavy. I wasn't a heavy and Steve wasn't heavy. Steve got so greedy, he fucked it up. At the intro,

he pulled out the guns. Wow. Okay, so real quick, break down the setup. You, Steve, is, which one is the hell's angel? Before we do a setup, can I slip him a pee again? Go for it, go for it. Alright, guys, let's take a break for a second, because you gotta replace your posters. Look at any poster that's on your wall. It's

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You don't have to worry about repainting and losing your fucking deposit and all these other things. Yeah, just put the display posters up. Display delivers its product worldwide in only four to five business days. It's a perfect alternative for standard paper posters that often get damaged. It doesn't leave marks on the wall. So go to display.com slash flagrant or use the code flagrant at the checkout to get 20% off for one to two disc plates or 30% off for three and more disc plates. Now, let's get back to the show. Okay, set this robbery up for us. You have the Hells Angels. I didn't know how much time I had, so I didn't want to get into something that was.

Oh, you got all the time in the world. Yeah, all day, baby. Okay, so you have, who's the Hells Angel? What's his name? His name was Steve. He was in the Hells Angels. He was like a fucking. He was a wannabe.

Yeah. Okay, and then who's the mark? Kent. Kent, okay. So you and Steve go to meet up with Kent and then break it down. So the idea is. Okay, I go to the dentist's office. This is the whole story.

I go to the dentist's office. I go home. I call Kent. They were supposed to go down at 1 o'clock. It's about 11 o'clock now. I call Kent and he tells me, come pick me up. So I go to his house. And the weird thing was when I went to his house, I know this was across the street from the halfway house. There was a halfway house in Boulder. I looked at it. Well, that's fucking weird. He lives across the street from the halfway house. So I went upstairs.

He's like, you want to do a line of coke before we go? I go, yeah. He goes, we'll go over there. I'll give him a sample. He'll give me the money, and then I'll come back here and get the coke, and we'll all disperse. You give him back the coke, and that's it. Okay. So when I'm there, he shows me a grinder.

He was doing coke out of a grinder. The grinder was filled with coke, and there was an ounce of coke in a baggie in the draw and he also showed me where there was two grand because I got two grand here okay so and I go where's the coke and he goes in the ceiling it was one of those drop ceilings that you slide up okay so when I get there, he shows me everything. And we do a couple lines. Then I get in the car and I drive him to where we're, like a seven minute drive. We get to the house.

As soon as we walk in, this motherfucker pulls his guns out. The deal was, let's get everything going. When you go back to get the coke, that's when you rob us both. That's when I pull it out. You're innocent.

Even if you're with him, I'm going to rob you. I'm going to smack you just so he'll never say, well, how did he know? He fucking smacked me. Yeah. You know, so I thought I was, so when I walked in, he pulled guns on both of us. And then he pulls a gun and goes, Joey, tie him up. And I'm like, you stupid motherfucker. So I'm like, what the fuck? So now we got this kid and the kid's like, Joey, what the fuck? I put him in the room. I fucking go out and talk to him.

I go, go over there. I didn't tell him what a coke was. I told him that there was shit over there. I wanted to see what he was going to come back with. Sure enough, he played into it. He came back. He said there was only 200 bucks in an eight ball. But his mother was a big time realtor and we were in one of her houses. Hold on, did everybody just get that? Wow. You know there's 2,000.

He tells the, what is the guy's name, Steve? Steve. Steve to go about the, he doesn't tell him where the coke is, the 2,000 and then the ounce. He goes, ah, there was only 200. So he's trying to get over on you, that son of a bitch.

So now, when he comes back, there was only 200. So he's trying to get over on you, that son of a bitch. So now when he comes back, there was only 200, maybe like an eight ball. So I go, really? So he's like, what are we going to do? Where is it? And I go, I don't know. But I tell you what.

I go, I got to go. I go, you just tried to fuck with me. No, I didn't. I'm telling you there was more. So we got into a little argument. He goes to me, if you leave, I'm going to shoot you. And I knew this guy was going to shoot me. I just knew.

I go, I've never been wrong with that kind of stuff about judging a man like that. I was around savages. I know if this guy's going to shoot me or not. And as I walk to the car, he don't shoot me. And I go outside, and I got a gun under the fucking, my tire that I had from my Aspen days. I had a beautiful 9mm. I wasn't giving up.

So, right there I was like, you know what, man? I've always wanted to shoot a motherfucker in the leg. Like, I've always wanted to shoot a motherfucker in the leg. Like, just to see their reaction and the whole thing. And I was like, and I was ready to shoot.

And I go, you know what, man? I'm just going to get the fuck out of here. And I got in the car and I went back to Vela's apartment. And I fucking kicked the door down. Vela's? The kid that was the mark. Oh, Steve. Steve was the thief.

Kent. Sorry, Kent. So Vela's the mark. So I said, fuck this. I'm going to go back and get the Coke. He said he didn't get it. I know exactly where the Coke was. So I ran back, fucking walked past the doorman.

The doorman's like, hey, hey. I was just here. I basically went upstairs with no keys, and I kicked that fucking door down like a gorilla. And then I jumped up, and I ripped that fucking ceiling down because it was a drop ceiling. So you could just tear it down. I fucking ripped it down. Heart's beating. My hands are bleeding from fucking pulling it down. And two bundles land in the middle, wrapped with Colombian newspaper. I took those motherfuckers and I ran the fuck out of there. And across from the halfway house, there was a newspaper thing where you put a quarter in,

open it, and take the newspaper out. Guys, look underneath. Whenever you see those, look underneath. In the 80s, that's how we used to drop off coke. There's a bottom compartment in there

that you never look at. So I put the kilos of coke there because I thought the cops were on me. And I called my brother. He went over there, picked up the kilos, Coke there because I thought the cops were on me. And I called my brother. He went over there, picked up the kilos, and took them to Aspen. I kept like maybe an ounce for the night because I wanted to party, see what the fuck was going on. Then that night, 8 o'clock, they knock on my door. Tidwell knocks on my door again.

He's got Vel in the trunk of a car. And he goes, what am I going to do with him? I go, I don't know. Figure it the fuck out. Not my problem anymore. You tried to rob me. Get the fuck out of here. And he's like, I need that $20,000 for my girlfriend. She needs a divorce. And I'm like, I don't know what the fuck to tell you.

He goes, I got another guy. There's a guy that's got a pound and a half. Let's go rob him. I'm like, get the fuck out of here. I went. I went to a bar. I had a couple and a half. Let's go rob him. I'm like, get the fuck out of here. I went. I went to a bar. I had a couple drinks. Snorted some coke and went home, not thinking anything. And the next morning, I'm sleeping on the couch.

And the guy knocks on my door and he goes, bro, the dealership is surrounded by cops. They're coming over here to get you. Get the fuck out of here. One of the lock guys. And I got my, I didn't have a car then. I went across the street and called my girlfriend and said, listen, the cops are looking for me. As I'm across the fucking street, I'm looking at the cops breaking into my house. I'm looking at this shit.

I'm like, wow. And after about 20 minutes, I go, holy shit, I forgot my weed. I'm like, God damn it. I forgot my fucking weed. And now they only left the cop outside in front of my house to watch. So I went back. No. I went to the backyard to get, because I had some chocolate Thai weed that was sent to me from here. My friends used to send me chocolate Thai weed.

So while the cops are in your fucking apartment. There's only one cop outside now. He's just waiting for me to come back. You sneak into your fucking house. Into my house to get the fucking ounce of coke. To get my little Thai weed. My little reefer, yep. Did you get it?

Fuck yeah. You got out? And the pipe and my lighter. The lighter? Fuck yeah. I had it all in a little bag. You know, you have one of those little purple bags. You got your weed, your lighter.

Okay. And then I hid out at my girlfriend's for two days, and I thought about it. I fucked with them a little bit. The story had come out in the paper that this guy had gotten kidnapped and shit, but they were still looking for another suspect on the loose. They didn't give my name. So I waited for two days. I'll never forget.

I went to the movie. I went to the video store, and there were brand-new movies. Lethal Weapon was a new release and it was above the law. And I watched them and I'm like, you know what, man? They got America's most wanted, I'm never gonna get away with this. So now it was like, it was Thursday and I go,

I need more weed. Sorry, I gotta go in the boulder anyway and get weed. I might as well call these cops and see what they're looking for me for. So I went down to Boulder. I got my bag of weed. I got my two videos. And there was a Kmart and an Albertsons. And they were across the street from one another. So I called Boulder police from Albertsons, from Kmart.

And I'm like, hey, this is Jose Diaz. You guys are looking for me. And I got like, hey, this is Jose Diaz. You guys are looking for me. And they're like, we gotta put you on hold. They were tracing me. So I kept hanging up on them. And they're like going, why are you hanging up? I go, because I don't want to be put on hold. This is Joe Diaz.

I want to talk to the detective in charge of my case. They're like, we're going to put you on hold. 10 seconds, I'd hang up. Then finally, the detective answered. And he goes, we just want to talk to you. Where are you? And I go, I'm at Albertsons, but I was really at Kmart.

And he goes, we just want to talk to you. I go, okay, I'll be at Albertsons. I hung up the phone, and I went back to my car. I'm sitting there rolling the joint, and I see a SWAT truck come in. With other Boulder police, and I'm like, they're not looking to talk to me.

They're looking to fucking kill me. And I'm like, they're not looking to talk to me. They're looking to fucking kill me. And I'm like, fuck this. I told my girlfriend what I saw. She goes, just turn yourself in. I'm like, fuck. That means I'm going to miss the wedding. And she goes, what wedding? I go, Don Johnson is marrying Sheena Easton tonight on Miami Vice.

I've been waiting all year for this fucking wedding. I hate weddings. But Don Johnson's getting married to Sheena Easton. I got to catch this tonight. Oh, my God. And listen, guys, in my retarded mind, this is how fucked up drugs are. In my retarded mind, I remember having her drop me off at the police station next morning and me going to her, here's 30 bucks, get Chinese food.

I'll be home. I should be out of here by an hour. I'm just going to walk in there and tell these cops whatever, some fucking story, and I'll be home. I should be out of here by an hour. I'm just going to walk in there and tell these cops whatever, some fucking story, and I'll be home in an hour. And I'll never forget walking upstairs. They told me to ring up Buzz. Who is it? Jose Diaz.

They go, Buzz me. And I went in. Dog, when I went in, fucking I was bum-rushed. All I heard was I had cops all over me. Get on the floor, get on the floor, get on the floor. You're being charged with kidnapping one, kidnapping two, aggravated robbery, accessory to a felony, second-degree burglary, and fucking crime of violence. My bail was $50,000 fucking dollars.

I'm like, what? Are you motherfuckers talking? And that's when I'm like, I'm doing your job. You fucking degenerates. What the fuck? So they talked to me for a while. They asked me questions. I didn't want to say shit.

I'm like, listen, man, he was selling something. I don't know what happened, blah, blah, blah. But then I ended up, let me tell you what really happened. That fucking idiot got caught. Steve got caught with Kent in the trunk. He got caught driving without his headlights on. What an idiot. Wow.

That's how I got pulled. That's how I ended up in this. But I learned a lesson. What a tangled web we weave when we tangle to deceive. This was that all over again. This was this. It just didn't stop. Then I turned myself in. This was this. It just didn't stop. And then I turned myself in.

I had this fucking bail. And then a fucking Cuban kid was going to the University of Colorado and his car was found splattered with blood. And they looked in his police records, they looked in his records, and they realized the kid was going to Miami

on the weekends and selling Coke. They found his car with no, they never found his body again, but his car was blood splattered. So they were thinking it was me. There was another guy. So anybody who got tied into a drug rip, now they were looking at me. There was another dude that was snorting coke one night and he, the cops knocked on his door and he jumped off the fucking balcony and broke, broke both his legs. Somebody went to rob him. He thought it was the cops, but it was really two thieves. So now they were questioning me about that shit.

It was a fucking nightmare. Like, one minute I was fucking, you know, just in trouble for one thing. Now they're looking at me for fucking 30 things. And when I went to the bail hearing, they're like, he's part of a Cuban crime syndicate.

And I'm like, oh, fuck. I thought I was fucking dead, Andrew Schultz. Why didn't you go to Aspen? Why'd you turn yourself in? Because what would a child... Bro, you're gonna run the rest of your fucking life. You don't wanna run. And he didn't think the charges would be that bad

because he didn't know he kidnapped you. You're gonna run the rest of your fucking life. Do you have any idea? I read an article when I was a kid about a guy who bit a girl at a wedding at a dance yeah her and her boyfriend tried to beat him up and he bit the girl and something happened this guy lived a fucking like that was the only he never even got a jaywalking ticket for 40 years he went he got a heart attack he got taken to the hospital they fingerprinted him and they figured that was the guy from fucking his childhood.

And now the guy's got to go to jail when he's 50, when he's lived an exemplary life. You know, except that mistake he made. I didn't want that to happen. Yeah, you didn't want to feel chased your whole life. I was going to turn myself in and just deal with it. Now it's to get out of there. Now make the decision. Just turn yourself in

and then see what they're looking what they're holding on to and then you make your decision so I sat there for a few weeks I had my girlfriend her parents hated me but he was a straight up gangster the dude

her father was a lieutenant colonel in the fucking army and shit career guy had ties to the CIA. Didn't really like me, but when I got arrested, my girlfriend told him what happened. He goes, you know what? I'll go talk to him. He came in for a guy I never thought liked me.

We ended up having a pretty good conversation. He asked me a few questions. And were you honest with him about what happened? Very honest because I learned early on, if you do something and somebody's looking to help you, and I tell people this all the time, I love you to death, Andrew. I'll do anything for you.

And if you guys don't understand what I mean by that, I'll do anything for you. But do me a fucking favor. When you tell me who did it to you, make sure you don't miss a detail. Yeah, because you're bringing me into this web now. Just don't miss a fucking detail. Tell me the truth. I don't give a fuck what you did

but if we're right here we're gonna go back in there that's the type of person I am I don't care just don't miss I don't care if you murder somebody so you opened up completely to the pops to the pops and he was asking me questions and he was like I'm gonna get you out of here so he wrote some letters

and within like a week I got out my bill went from $50,000 to like $3,000. And then, you know, I started talking to him more and more. And I started getting my life together little by little. And I got a job at Hertz as a manager trainee. Fucking like $40,000 a year to start. Some guy I knew hooked me up with it. And the guy liked me so much, he called me into his office one day,

and he goes, listen, I know what you're going through, so I put a call in for you. I got you a job in Hurts in Panama. They'll change your name, they'll give you an ID, and you could be a manager down there. And I was like, fucking Panama with Noriega? Fuck yeah. And I'm like, again, then we're back in the same fucking boat.

You know, someday you're going to do well, and this is going to come back to bite you in the fucking ass, you know? And I just did everything I could to stay out of there. I got into the University of Colorado. I mean, I got into the university. Like, not, like, continuing ed. Like, they told me I had too many credits that I needed to transfer. So I was sad because I joined, I tried to get in there as Joey Diaz, but they're like, no can do.

But if your name was Jose Diaz, we'll fucking put feathers in your asshole every time. Because we ain't got enough brothers and Cubans up in this motherfucker. That's why if you got a kid that needs to go to college and you ain't got the money, just have him marry a Mexican and send him to the University of Montana. Mucho. Mucho pesos. You understand me?

And whatever happened with Kent, the guy that got tied up? Kent, the guy that got tied up, I'm in close contact with him now. Really? Yeah, I apologized to him on the podcast that got tied up. Kent, the guy that got tied up. I'm in close contact with him now. Really? Yeah, I apologized to him on the podcast. Oh, wow. About 15 years.

No, for years I kept calling him. Listen, when I got out of jail and I was in the halfway house one night, I went to a bar to get some Coke and Kent was there. And he goes, what are you doing out? And I go, Kent, come on, bro. You got anything? And he goes, yeah. What do you need? I go, grab a Coke. And as he's weighing it in the bathroom, he looks at me and goes, what are you doing out? And I go, Kent, come on, bro. You got anything? And he goes, yeah.

What do you need? I go, a gram of Coke. And as he's weighing it in the bathroom, he looks at me and goes, the last time I sold you Coke, you kidnapped me. And we're talking. I'm like, Kent, I'm sorry. I was having a bad day.

And we talked. I bought him a fucking drink at the bar. We chit-chatted. Everything was beautiful. And then I disappeared. I got into comedy or whatever. Ten years later, he's on Facebook. So I started hitting him on Facebook.

I'm like, hey, man, how you doing? You know, fuck you. I realize what you did. You're a scumbag. This went on for like two years. And then I said, fuck it. I'm not going to hit him a lot. I'm just going to hit him on the anniversary. Of the arrest? Of the kidnapping. So every November 18th I would go

Kent what's going on go fuck yourself then I would go on Twitter and go 22 years ago today I kidnapped Kent Vela he still won't talk to me this went on for about 3 years and then one time he gave me his number and I called him and he's like I don't know if I should talk to you blah blah blah

it was a long time ago blah blah and I got him to agree to call, blah, blah. Well, Kent, it was a long time ago, blah, blah. And I got him to agree to call into the podcast, and I apologized to him. And then after that, I kept like, Kent, I'm going to be in Tempe. Come to the show. Fuck you. Well, he moved to Arizona. He was serious about that.

He was serious. So about three times into it. He actually showed up. He showed up. I went to Tucson, though. He lives in Tucson. So I went to Tucson. He came to the show. I posted it.

You can find it. After 33 years, I kidnapped this guy 33 years ago. Now we're friends. I send him money from time to time. He had problems with his mom.

I try to take care of him with his mom. Now he's moving up to New Mexico, Taos, New Mexico. What happened to Steve and what happened to the two keys? The two keys I sold.

Steve ended up ratting me out. Because when he got arrested, he was on parole. And he got sentenced to 10 years. Because he had the body in the trunk. I got sentenced to four. I was really supposed to body in the trunk. I got sentenced to four. I was really supposed to get sentenced to six.

But I wrote so many letters. My friends from grammar school, Jersey, got all these people to write letters. And again, if you ever get in trouble, if a judge has political aspirations, each of us know 250 people. When you die, God forbid, they're going to get you 250 mask cards. Each of us know 250 people. So if you ever get in trouble, write a letter to the judge because that's 250 votes. So the more letters you write that judge, the more votes mean. Do you follow me?

That's why whenever I got in trouble, I wrote a letter to the judge. When I got out of prison, I wrote a letter to that judge every month. Thank you for giving me the opportunity. I'm day-telling cars. I'm still broke. I'm still an idiot, but I'm giving it a try. I just got into comedy. I wrote him letters. I got into stand-up comedy. I sucked, but I'm going to try

it. And then I went up in front of him ten years later for something else, and he fucking went in my direction because I had kept in touch with him. He knew the truth. He built a relationship. I built a relationship with the guy.

So whenever you get in trouble, anything like that, you gotta write letters to a judge and explain your situation and tell him what you're feeling and most importantly, tell him what your intentions are with life. Even though I was snorting coke and I was robbing, when I got out of prison, I wasn't robbing at that. I already knew what level of criminal I wanted to be at.

For me to stay out and do comedy, I could still be a little criminal from time to time, but there's levels. I could go into a Kmart, walk in and take those mats for your car. And you could just pick them up, walk them right to the return and go, I just, my mother got me these, but I got to pay. And without a receipt, they give you $100 plus tax.

Wow. You could always do that shit. That's how I got. That was the hustle I used to see. That's what I did on the road. When I was on the road, you don't have money for gas. You walk into a Kmart, pick up a fucking fishing rod and go, hi, my mother bought me this, but I can't use it.

You have a receipt? Not really. So you know how Kmart has the super long receipts? CVS has them as well? Yes. So if there's ever a trash can, this is how you know crackheads are brilliant. So there was a trash can right outside the Kmart on Astor Place in Lafayette Street in New York. And the crackheads would wait for people to leave the Kmart with that long-ass receipt,

and they'd throw it right in the garbage right when they leave. And they would take that receipt, and they'd look at the itemized receipt, and they'd walk right back in that fucking Kmart

and pick up every single item and return every single item and get the cash for it. It was like they were asking to get robbed. I saw that on the HBO doc. HBO did a good job of it. Wow. It was that Kmart. It was that after-place one get robbed. I saw that on the HBO doc. HBO did a good job of it. It was that K-more.

It was the after place one, too, yeah. I remember one day, it was like the 29th. I needed $400 for rent money. $400. That's all I paid my rent in Boulder. I was a starving comic. That's it, 1995, 96 maybe. And I see some guy pushing out lumber.

I'm like, oh, it was a lawnmower. And one of those trucks, he had some guy pushing him. He's like, what are you going to mow with this? And sure enough, I'm hungry. I need money. And I see the receipt just fly off the box. Got him. I go, holy shit. I run in to the boulder, Kmart. And I go for the thing. And I go, excuse me, sir, where's the C695? And he goes, we're all sold out on those. I'm like, fuck. Oop, there's another one in Longmont, Colorado.

I got in my car, went out to Longmont, and there it was. Picked it up, put the receipt on it. Guy gave me 400 plus tax. I had my rent and a gram of blow. You know what I'm saying? And a grandma blow. You know what I'm saying? I remember one Christmas, I wanted to fucking, what's that toy chain?

Toys R Us. Toys R Us. They used to give you Jeffrey money. Jeffrey money, yeah. I would walk in there. Yeah. I would walk in there and take one thing. I remember I ended up leaving there with a bicycle for my daughter one time. I ended up, I returned like a game of Monopoly

and kept going back and returning and I had so many credits, I was like, give me a bicycle. And they gave me a bicycle. My daughter had a bicycle at the fucking house. When you were in prison, what crew did you roll with?

What was your cart? There was really no crews at that time. You had the brothers, you had, the biggest problem I had was navigating around the bloods and the Crips because I worked in the kitchen. Now, is it easier to navigate

that when you have a kitchen job? In 1987, I didn't even know the Bloods and the Crips worked. So I get sent to prison. Because we didn't have anything back east. No. The Bloods and the Crips are just starting in the late 70s. So when I got into where you go, the first

day, you get there, the counselor's like, have you ever had hepatitis B? I'm like, no. Obviously. Fine. You work in the kitchen. So they put me in the kitchen. The fucking dude was big, Mr. Yarbrough. Big brother, fucking out of the Navy, Korean Navy guy. And he's

like, Mr. Diaz, you look Italian, so I'm going to make you a baker. Have you ever baked before? And I'm like, no, I don't fucking even cook. So I went in there the next morning at 4 in the morning, and he's like, you put this much on the thing, and then they expand. I'm like, why are you being so cheap, brother? These motherfuckers are living in cells. Give them a big fucking cinnamon muffin.

I mean, I didn't know. He's like, you can't make them big. I didn't know why. So I made them big, and they became fucking manhole cupboards. The oven almost blew up. There was a fire. So he fired me. He made me the stock clerk, which is the best job there.

I didn't even know. What stock clerk? It's a stock clerk. You order the food for the kitchen, and you have your own facility to hide shit for the other Invics because it's so far away. They don't bring the dogs to sniff that shit. And I had a driver's license. So you see those guys that pick papers up on the side of the road? I would bring

them lunch in the cart. So I could always go, you're going to be here tomorrow? Yeah, I could always go, Andrew Schultz, have your girlfriend drop off an ounce of coke at garbage stop number 54. You're going to pick it up and put it in the garbage. I'm going to come by to give you lunch. You're going to give it to me. They're not going to search me to go back into the facility.

You have no idea how wide open... So you were getting coke into the... I wasn't snorting coke at all. No, no, but getting it in. Yeah, they had coke in there, heroin. The only thing I was doing in there was acid because they couldn't test for it. Acid in prison?

Yeah, you get nice blotter acid in prison. I get fucked up every Sunday night. Me and some other guys, we'd sit outside and talk shit and crack jokes they couldn't figure out. And they'd automatically give you a piss test the next day because you're out and you're clean. Did you like prison

in the social aspect? Loved it. Because you're king, right? Everybody loves you. You've got these amazing stories. You're cracking it. I'm in the kitchen, and that's the hardest part I had, was the Crips and the Bloods. Okay. Because in the kitchen, they kind of got along.

But outside the kitchen, they had to maintain their fucking status. And I really dug that. But I was friends with Crips. My best friend was a Crip in there. I loved this motherfucker. This guy had seven girlfriends, each of them with a badass six-figure car. This guy was in charge of bringing cocaine from California to Colorado for the Crips. At this time, this is what he did.

Was the chick that went to the Olympics, Joyner in the 80s? Her brother was in there too. Wow. He was a Crip or something because he was bringing in Coke from- Yeah. That's when the Crips were bringing in from LA, California, all those little things. So that was the hardest adjustment I had. You had your bikers, like five little raggedy bikers.

You had your white supremacist, a couple of them. He would only add 104 people. So everybody kind of knows everybody's small. So you didn't have that. You had one Italian, and he was the cook. Of course. And I partnered up with him to start a bookmaking operation, because he couldn't sell lottery tickets to the blacks to Spanish.

But I could. I knew how to talk to the brothers, and I knew how to talk to the Mexicans. So he made me his partner and every night he would make nachos. He'd get like an iron and put it melted cheese and fucking get chips and shit. Fucking different world. So you have in it weirdly the time of your life. Yes, the first listen, like I got sentenced August 15th. Yeah. The system was a year behind.

What that meant was. What does that mean? The system was a year behind that time. What it meant was, you're not getting processed to go to your prison until fucking December or January. Oh, you're in jail still. So you're going to sit in county jail. This is where I got off, okay? This is a lot of people don't know.

So I got sentenced to second-degree burglary. It cost me. I had to pay a lot of money because I had to hire an investigator to prove there was no violence in my past. Because they wanted to charge me with a violent offense. So that means if I got nine years for kidnapping, I would do all nine years. Oh, yeah. And I was not going to do that. Yeah.

I would do all nine years. Oh, yeah. And I was not going to do that. Yeah. So we had to hire an investigator to go back to Jersey and fucking any violence as a kid. Like, yeah, we had to fist fight with a pizza guy. Shit like that. But nothing extreme that showed this.

So my attorney, that was his most important thing, was to get the violent crime changed to a nonviolent crime. Because that makes a complete big difference. And he did it. That might be the greatest miracle in the history of the judicial system. I still talk to that motherfucker, too. You need to. He's in Colorado Springs.

And now he's got a kid that wants to get into the entertainment business. So he's like, what do we need to do to speed this up? So hey, man, payback's a bitch. So when I got sentenced, I got sentenced to 48 months, right? But I spent the month in county. Time served. So that's two months. Oh, you get double time served for county?

Counties, two days. At that time, it was two for one. So I did a month. So that meant I did two months. So now it's 22 months I got in there, right? Until you hit prison, your final destination, it's two for one. Wow. So the longer you're staying in county, the shorter amount of time you're going to have to spend in prison.

I guess this is the whole idea is expediting your time in county. Because county is a pain in the fucking ass. A pain in the ass. But not bad. Because, again, I got sentenced on a Monday. And by Wednesday morning, I was taken out. They told me they were going to send me to Oklahoma. They sent me to fucking Summit County Jail.

Guys, we wore our own clothes, and we played handball outside. And at 9 o'clock, the jail, the fucking guards would go to the Safeway for you and buy you chips, sodas, and we'd watch movies all night on TV. So it was low-key and everybody was chill? Key. My buddy in there was a guy from the Bronx, Italian dude. Fucking as soon as I get there, the guy fucking hugged me. I'll do anything for you.

Just talk to me, brother. Just talk to me. I haven't been around people from the East Coast. This guy loved me. So I became friends with him, and we were fucking. I didn't drink or anything in there, but we would always, like, fucking gamble, a lot of gambling in there, you know?

I was in Summit County for maybe two weeks. That's a month. Boom. So you're shaving time off, shaving time. I'm shaving time off. So now I had three months already. All of a sudden, one morning, they go, you're going to fucking Department of Corrections.

So first you go to DOC. It's like you go to diagnostic. That's where you're there for two weeks and they find out what's wrong with you. They check everything, your ass, your mind. They ask you creepy questions. They do a battery, a test. And then from how you do on that is where you're decided where your destination is. So you're trying to do better on that.

Yes. Because if you look sane, you look competent, you look smart, you're going to get the country club. And if you look like an absolute savage fuck up. But still, I didn't have the numbers. I knew that my numbers were low because before you get sentenced, you have to take a thing like a little test, like a 10 question test. Nothing hard.

Did you have a job before you got arrested? Did you have a license before you got arrested? Were you working at the time of your arrest? And all these positive things count in your favor. So after I got sentenced, before I went to, after I went through diagnostic, now they're going to send you to your destination. I had two destinations. I could either go to Rifle, Colorado, and that's where I wanted to go. Because in the winter, they let you be a ski instructor.

Not a ski instructor, but a dude on the hill checking people's badges. Unbelievable. And in the summer, you could be a lifeguard at the pool. The job is the pool. So I'm like, what are you, fuck. And they let you go to the movies on Saturday night. Unbelievable. Golden was where I went, Camp George West.

I wanted to go to Golden because it was closer to my house, but they didn't have all the shit Rifle had. Yeah, you want to ski and go hang by the pool. But the only thing they had, they let you out for 20 minutes a day to go to the store. No. There was a bodega right around the corner. So you got 20 minutes of freedom. 20 minutes just to run to the store. No. There was a bodega right around the corner. So you got 20 minutes of freedom. 20 minutes just to run to the store and run back.

So I started, come on, dog. You got to get that. Everybody else couldn't figure it out. I started ordering Chinese food. To the bodega? To the bodega. There was a Chinese restaurant next to it. So I would call the order in

because all the other idiots would actually go to the bodega and I go, did you get Chinese food? They go, no, we don't have time. I'm like, you got to call the order in so when you get there. So I would call the order in, pick up Chinese food, pick up a couple Haagen-Dazs, some ice creams and shit. So you were a fucking superhero to these guys. A superhero. You're coming back with ice cream.

A superhero. Chinese food. Oh, my God. And at the time, AIDS was big, 87. Yeah. So they had a brand spanking new AIDS facility. It had eight beds, it only had two people in AIDS. I'm talking about banging TVs, refrigerators, microwaves, couches, solar heating.

So we were in there at night with the AIDS dudes, the two AIDS dudes, fucking making sandwiches and shit. And you knew at the time that you couldn't catch it? I didn't know, but take a chance. Columbus did. I know if you took it in the ass or shot yourself intravenously, but I wasn't taking it in the ass, and I wasn't going to shoot anything intravenously. You're just sharing Haagen-Dazs.

Yeah, they had their own fork, you know. Whatever. I'm not there to judge nobody. They were very nice. In fact, when I got out of there, I had to do volunteer work, and I did it all for AIDS. Really? Because of what I met and how I... You know, as Americans, they hit you with AIDS like COVID.

So you didn't want to touch nobody with AIDS. You didn't want to be in the room with AIDS. Once you're in prison and you got to... They weren't allowed to go into the daily area to eat. They had their own area back there. But they were lonely back there. Everybody else was

treating them like shit. And I'm like, let's go back there and talk to these fucking dudes. And it was just pristine. It was tremendous. We did Super Bowl parties. Every Sunday night

we watched America's Most Wanted and fucking love and marriage. We'd eat. We'd fucking get Kentucky Fried Chicken. The kid from the Crips, his girlfriends would bring him nutter butters

and Popeye's chicken. We would eat Popeye's chicken like a motherfucker on Sunday nights. Fucking watching all this shit. Okay, so when do you start realizing I can be an entertainer? Here, right? When does your brain start adjusting to the reality that you can maybe have Realizing I can be an entertainer. Here, right? Right?

Like, I'm just like, when does your brain start adjusting to the reality that you can maybe have a legit job? I didn't know anything about this job. I didn't know anything about this job. When I was a kid, I was at my buddy's house and he put on a Richard Pryor album. Okay, so Pryor was your first. Pryor was the first thing I ever heard. The rhino meets Dracula. Okay.

That is the most beautiful bit in the world when you're an eight-year-old kid, you're Cuban, and you listen to that. Because you're learning the language. You just came from a place where you can't talk like this. Okay, and I'm listening to this motherfucker say some shit that is brilliant. And he's talking about coke and he's talking about Dracula, wash your neck, you're a filthy little motherfucking two.

And I'm like, what the fuck? That is a bicentennial album. You can't say the last name of it. And I bought the other one that you can't say the name of. Richard Pryor had like three albums you can't fucking name. And when I show them to people, I got to show the album. Sorry, can't say it.

And I mimicked them. I knew the words. I knew everything. When I go to a party, I would do Richard Pryor. In fact, I would bring my albums to other kids' houses that were 12 and 11. There's a kid, Ray Cannella, today. Every time I see him at Rudy's and Cliffside, he looks at me and he goes, do you know my mother's still mad at you for bringing that

Richard Pryor album to the house in the eighth grade? I did everything with Richard Pryor. I love Richard Pryor, but I came from a fucking North Bergen, New Jersey. I'm a Cuban kid. I didn't know what went on with it. And then after I got in trouble, I'm like, Went on with it. And then after I got in trouble, I'm like, they really don't want. But just before I got sentenced, just before I went to prison, just before I committed that kidnapping, like two days before that, there was a guy at that Subaru dealer I did not get along with. We had had words one day. We just did not get along.

And one night I was sitting there, and he came over to me and goes, hey man, his name was Grant Fusmith. I still remember this motherfucker. And he came up to me and he goes, hey man, I know you don't like me, but I got to tell you something. I go, what's that? He goes, ask me what I did before I worked here as a car dealer. I go, I don't know.

You know, when you're 20, some old guy's talking to you. I don't know. Go ahead, tell me. And he goes, I don't know. You know, when you're 20, some old guy's talking to you. I don't know. Go ahead, tell me. And he goes, I was an entertainment director at a casino in Las Vegas. I don't know which one. But it was a big one at the time. Sands, I don't know.

And he just drove and considered doing stand-up comedy. Just because he saw you busting balls, he saw you telling stories. Get the fuck out of my face, stand-up comedy. Take a fucking hike. I snort coke. Go away. That's my problem. I mean, at the time, that was part of my face. Stand-up comedy. Take a fucking hike. I snort coke. Go away. At the time, that was what stand-up comedians did.

You said you liked prior, right? What are you fucking talking about, stand-up comedy? What are you talking about? Go away. I barely chew and walk at the same time. Then when I got locked up at Camp George West, Thursday night was movie night. They didn't have what we have now.

They had fucking reel-to-reel. There's a projector going? Yeah, like a... And then it breaks. You know, come on, motherfucker. It was our brother that was orange. You know those brothers, they got freckles? They called them red bones.

Red bones, yeah. Red, fix that fucking thing. Fuck you motherfuckers. Yeah. And he would have to get up and fix the projector. Wow. And in the meantime, the guys would say, because in the kitchens, I would tell the guys, listen, don't eat that food. I would tell them, don't eat like chip meat on the cream, all those type of weird feels.

I would check the meat in so I knew if the meat was good or not. That's why I went to the bodega to get the fucking meat and everything else for me and my buddies. So when they would come in, I'd go, don't do it!

And they'd all be yelling, all right, let's get out. Cuba told us. So all the brothers would go, Cuba told us not to eat that shit. So I'd be yelling to them, don't do it. Don't do it. And then just fucking around.

I had a friend in the kitchen. His name was Etchy. And he was like a blood. And one day he came up to me. He's like, hey, bro, you got to help me out. I'm like, what's up? He goes, my freezes are slipping. What?

My freezes are fucking up. You gotta help me out. I'm like, what are you talking about? What the fuck is a freeze? He goes, a freeze. When you don't practice it, people could tell the difference in your voice. When you don't practice saying freeze, when you're gonna rob somebody.

So this motherfucker, this motherfucker will come into the dining area and go, freeze! He would go, don't report me. I just want to try it. He goes, my brother got out of jail.

Didn't practice his freezes. He got locked up a week later. His freezes didn't have no confidence behind him. I mean, bro, I'm like, this is a funny fucking situation here. I mean, it's a bit.

It's a bit. It's a bit. Freeze! I'm like, don't do it. Don't do it. And this went on and I became like the social't do it. Don't do it. And this went on.

And I became like the social commentary for the kitchen. Right? So now afterward, they think like, Cuba, get up there and say some words. Oh, so they're asking you. They're pushing you to do it. They're going to get up there. Because, listen, at that time, we weren't as sensitive as we are today. Of course, of course. You could goof on brothers.

We all goofed on Red. Yeah. You know, everybody goofed on Red. Yeah. Everybody goofed on the bikers. Everybody goofed on a retard that was, you know, he just goofed. Yeah. I didn't have any material.

He's kind of like a white supremacist. Yeah. I didn't have any material, Red. It's not like I wrote material. Yeah, you just wrote. I'm a goddamn just to fucking, you know, fucking whatever. Yeah. Look at this motherfucker with these fucking shoes on. What, your mother didn't get you better shoes? Yeah. What the fuck are you laughing about, cocksucker? Yeah, yeah, yeah know, fucking whatever. Yeah. Look at this motherfucker with these fucking shoes on.

What, your mother didn't get you better shoes? Yeah. What the fuck are you laughing about, cocksucker? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it, you know. And one day, the guy in the library was from Buffalo. He killed his wife and the mailman. The mailman was fucking his wife, so he killed the wife and the mailman.

They gave him, like, dirty fucking shit. But the guy was a genius. And I'll never forget, he came up to me one day, and he goes, Hey, man, here's a notebook so you can write your jokes in. And I go, notebook?

I ain't got no fucking notebook. I ain't got no, you know. He goes, you don't write before you go up there? And I go, no.

And this motherfucker looked at me and goes, listen, I'm going to get out of here in about two years. If I get out and you're not doing stand-up, I'm going to hunt you down and kill you. What a motivational speech. And I got out of prison.

And I was a pussy. It took me two years to get on stage after I got out. Kept giving myself excuses. And one day I just got up on stage. Where was it comedy works what made you do it was in denver comedy when you were doing the shows in the prison was everybody there like blood crips whites every so everybody just decided hey we're gonna put away the beef and we're gonna enjoy this and we're gonna laugh at each other there was no sensitivity

nothing nothing that's the fucking beauty of it, man. That was fucking amazing. Nobody was sensitive anymore. We were just human beings back then. And they have every reason to be sensitive. Dude's cousin killed this guy's cousin, these guys beefed over some crazy shit.

There was two brother-in-laws in there, a cousin and a nephew, that were at war with each other. But they sat down. I did time with the Barclays. The Barclays were a Colorado family, this white family, the nicest people in the world. They got into the cocaine business by mistake, and they became billionaires.

They didn't even know how to launder the money. They just kept buying trucks for their landscaping business. They had every type of truck. Then the cops busted them, and the cops stayed there at their house and answered the phones from all the drug takes. And when you would come to buy the coke, they would arrest you. There's a hell of a story involved. But the Markleys, when I was doing time with them, and then they sent the father and the brother together in discovery.

In court, they found out that the father was having an affair with his wife while he was at work. So I live with my wife in your house. You're my dad. You live upstairs. You're single. My mom died. And when I'm at work,

you come down and fuck my wife. Wow. Holy shit. So they tried to break them up for them to testify against each other. Of course. And now I'm doing time with them and they're not talking to each other.

It's two different fucking worlds. I mean, they put that shit in there where this is they're not talking to each other. It's two different fucking worlds. I mean, they put that shit in there where this is blood and now they hate each other. It was fucking, it's a, I'm happy I did it. I never got really in trouble again after that. I never got to prison again or anything. But it was an education and it let me know what I didn't want to do. Because listen, prison, anybody could do prison here.

We could all do it with our eyes. It's just time. You got a book, you do push-ups, you eat, you mind your business. The problem with all that shit is that, I forgot what I was going to tell you. That's what I was going to tell you. Comedy? No, no. We could all do prison. We could all do time.

The problem is they fuck with your manhood. I'm telling you. I'm sitting here with you guys telling you we had a great time in there. If I had to do it again today, I would do it for the 90 days. I don't know if I could do it longer. It was a great break. But they judge. They fuck with your manhood.

Yeah. Are you talking about the COs? COs. Telling you what to do. I walk into your room at 7 in the morning, I kick the bed and tell you to wake the fuck up, bitch. Yeah, yeah. You don't ever want to be a man and have somebody do that to you.

And you cannot do anything because you want to get out of there. It weighs on you. Yeah, yeah. There's little things. It's been 30 years since I was in there, but that's the most thing that stuck out in my mind, that they try to take away your manhood. You know, like, get up, bitch, stupid, that type of shit.

And if you swing back then you get more time. And then you have the longest yard, right? Adam Sandler said, Burt Reynolds said, was it worth you smacking him? And he goes, all right, put my fucking shoe back on. And he went in at the end of the longest yard. That's how it was. You know, you have to decide what's important to you.

Did you fight? What was that first fight? I got one fight in there. Maybe two. I got into an argument with a good friend of mine in the age unit, and we pushed each other around. And then that's funny you said that there was a white dude, like a bald—he was not a biker. He was in the middle. What do you call those guys?

Bisexual. They hate minorities, right? He used to fuck with me he worked in the kitchen So instead of me beating them up I took I was a stock clerk in the kitchen there and they used to have that welfare American cheese So one day I took the cheese out of there and I took a shit in that motherfucking box And I put a little American flag on the top and I put the box and I put it in his drawer and put the clothes

on top of it and he would always go, anybody else smell shit in my room? I'm gonna find it. And then one day he actually found the box. When I took the shit, it was like 19 inches. When he found it, it was like three inches. It was like a skeleton. It burned off. It burned off and that room smelled like death. He was breathing

that shit into, I feel bad. He's not alive today. That's, and that room smelled like death. He was breathing that shit in the two. I feel bad. He's not alive today. That's worse than that 9-11 bus. Breathing my shit. That motherfucker's eligible for fucking payments and shit. You got another body, bro. That's crazy.

So he knew I put the shit in the thing. Yeah. And he would always give me grief when he was in front of his friends. Sure. When I was with my friends, he wouldn't say nothing. But when you were with his friends, he was one of your tough guys. There was a room where we would play cards in. Yeah.

It was a combination laundry room. And one day, I got to say something to this guy. Because he was always tough when he was around his buddies. But I knew that if I took my buddies, we could fuck up his buddies. Yeah. Because I had the brothers with me. So I knew we could fuck up his friends. Because I had two brothers that were my brothers in real life. There were two African American kids that were my brothers. One was named Spencer Antoine. He's dead. I check up with him on time to time. That motherfucker stabbed the dude nine times and got

six years from voluntary manslaughter. He did not fuck around. He was from the jungles of Louisiana. He had those crazy eyes and shit. He did not fuck around. And then my brother, the Crip, told Ray, they were not going to fuck with us. But this motherfucker I had to deal with. So I saw him one Saturday go into the thing to do his laundry. He had long hair like you. That's why I don't wear long hair.

And he was doing laundry. I tapped him when he turned around. I grabbed both sides't wear long hair. And he was doing laundry. I tapped him when he turned around. I grabbed both sides of the long hair, cut my hands, and banged his head off the fucking wall 15 fucking times. And then I punched him really hard. Now I went to my friends and told them what had happened. And I go, they're going to retaliate. He never said a word. Wow.

And that was it. I got out of there. And then everything was cool. Wow. And you never got cl I got out of there. And then everything was cool. Wow. And you never got clipped for that? Never solitary? Nothing? Nothing.

Wow. Okay, so you go. Fascinating. How far are we from you not trying stand-up, but being good at stand-up and then becoming this kind of mythical figure in the store? 15 years later. 15 years later. 15 years later. Stop it again. I got to pee.

Go. Ask me that question again. I got you. All right, Joey. So tell us, when do you become the mythical figure at the comedy store? Do you even realize it? No. store.

Do you even realize it? No. So, as it's happening, you're clean, you're doing comedy, things are starting to work out in your career, you're getting No, I was never clean. Oh, really? No, I never got clean until after the store, after Longish Yard is when I got clean. Oh, okay.

When did you hook up with Joe? 97. That's early. And then how do you guys connect? Yeah, what was the first time you met him? Joe? 97. That's early. And then how do you guys connect? Yeah, what was the first time you met him? Do you remember? At the store. I never, I was in Boise, Idaho doing the Funny Bowl.

Okay. There was a thing called the 12, what was that movie they did with the 12? 12 Monkeys? No, the 12, the Dirty Dozen. Dirty Dozen. Dom Herrera and Joe was on that. That's the first time I ever saw Joe with a backwards hat on. I never even knew who he was. Didn't pay attention ever again.

It was just somebody I watched it for Dom Herrera, maybe somebody else. I was, was I in LA already? No, I was not. I was living in Seattle at the time. And then when I got to the comedy store, maybe a month after I got to the comedy store... Around when is... 97. I got

to LA in January 29th of 1997. You know when I became a regular? February 19th of 1997. That's fucking... If that wasn't in the fucking cards. And when I got there, they told me that I wouldn't get a showcase for six months. That's fucking... If that wasn't in the fucking cards. And when I got there, they told me that I wouldn't get a showcase for six months.

That's fucking crazy. So how'd you get it? Scott Day called me up one day and he goes, oh, somebody fell out. Do you want to come in on Sunday night? And I go, yeah. Do you remember your set?

No. I remember I was scared as fuck. Three minutes. That's all she gave me. And it was Mitzi in those days. It wasn't a tape to fucking somebody else. It was Mitzi. So, yeah, it was pretty fucking insane.

And it went well? Yeah, and then she told me, come back next week and do 10 minutes. I did the 10 minutes, and it was on my birthday. I think I turned, whatever the fuck I turned, 34 or something like that. So that was fucking tremendous. So you get passed, and now you have this home. And now I got a home, which I didn't know. At the time, the store wasn't the store.

Right. What was it like? Three people a night. That's right, because this is- 60 people on Friday, 80 on Saturday. But Tuesday, Monday through Thursday, 8 to 12 people. 80s was the boom. 90s comedy gets a little bit soft, not as much care.

The clubs are kind of struggling. Yeah. But you're going up. I'm going up. Is there still the culture in the store? At that time? Yeah. What do you mean the culture?

Like was there community community did it feel like like the employees are real close the employees were cool you know and we just we it was uh what do they call that when you when you run it was a place that was run by the institution oh yeah run by the inmates we were running it was we're running it by like the inmates you know Oh, yeah, run by the inmates. We were running it by the inmates, you know. So it was just kind of wild. She would come in every once in a while.

What dawned on me was when I first got there, I was going to do a fist fight. With whom? I can't remember what his name is. He's an older guy. He said he was Jewish. I'm Spanish. And I had a joke then about OJ that they asked to have made and I returned it in Spanish and he came up to me when I guess I don't know if you know this that's my joke I go how can that be a joke I just moved here no he goes you stole the joke I go how did I steal your

joke I just moved here from fucking Seattle yeah I've never even seen you before guy yeah he goes a number two I'm not I'm fucking Spanish I'm talking Spanish, but you're saying that's your fucking bit. And the guy got a little heavy with me, right? And he had a violin, and he put it behind him, and that's the first thing I noticed. If you're going to get in somebody's face, don't put something behind you, stupid. So he kept talking.

I pushed him, and he fell over the violin, and Mitzi was walking up. And she saw that. She goes, what the fuck? This motherfucker told me I stole a joke, because I knew she liked that shit. Because that's how she made Kennison a regular. I didn't know that. What's the story with Kennison? She was getting beat up by Argus Hamilton.

Oh, and Kennison stepped in. Busted Argus up, and that's how he became a regular. Mitzi likes controversy. Mitzi likes a good fist fight. Mitzi liked when you told somebody to go fuck themselves. She loved that shit. So I knew I was home. You follow me?

When you have that attitude coming from within, I am home. Because I will tell you to go fuck yourself. I don't give a fuck about your comedy club, whatever. So as soon as Mitzi saw me with that dude, she was like, this guy's on to something. He's on to something. Where was Mitzi from? I hear all these stories about her. I think Minneapolis or some shit.

And lived in Miami. And that's how she liked Cubans. Because she lived in Miami for a while. So she always thought, I like Cubans. You said Mitzi would play mind games with you. Like she told you to dress up as Castro. Yeah. And if you did it, she would never put you on again because she was always weak.

That's crazy, right? She'll give you advice as the head of the comedy store. And if you take her shitty advice, she knows you don't have a backbone and you don't believe in your comedy. Listen, the best story I ever heard was a guy named Kevin something. Dear friend of mine. I forget his last name. He used to be the vet on the

one of those channels where they save cats and shit. Kevin Fitzgerald. He's good friends with Joe, too. If I show you this guy, you'll go, Joey, what the fuck are you talking about? That's one of the most dangerous men you'll ever see in your life. He was a bodyguard for the Stones when he came back from Vietnam. The guy's a fucking savage. Kevin Fitzgerald is a comic.

That's how I met Kevin, in Denver. He has a great story. He was doing a joke one night about, this is your brain on drugs, this is your brain. And... What's the greatest stand-up of all time? Hicks. Bill Hicks' manager.

Road manager was there, because Bill Hicks was performing that night and he walked up to Kevin. He goes, hey, Mr. Hicks would appreciate it if you didn't do that joke before. Kevin said he went in the back and thought about it and he goes, nobody could tell me not to do a joke. And he went up there and did the joke. And the guy went up to Kevin, was waiting for Kevin. Kevin's a tough dude.

And this guy tried to be cute with Kevin. He's like, I told you not to do the joke. Kevin goes, shut the fuck up. Bill Hicks heard the argument. Bill came out. He goes, whoa, whoa, whoa. We got no beef here. I told you to do something.

You didn't do it. As a matter of fact, comics don't listen. You're my new opening act. And he brought him on the road. We don't listen. You tell me not to do something as a comic, it's games over. Don't ever tell me to work clean something as a comic, it's games are over. Don't ever tell me to work clean

because I'm going to go up there with the biggest pussy joke you've ever heard in your motherfucking life. And that's why I didn't play those games in L.A. Bro, for years, you know how you people, you have to send a tape? I sent blank tapes. And love when they call me back and say,

your set was tremendous. Because when you get paid, at the end of the night, you're looking at a comedy club owner. He's sitting in front of 1,200 tapes, and all of them got dust on it. He don't watch the tapes. It was a power play. You send the tape, and then we'll give you. Fuck you. I'm not sending the tape.

And then when they kept bugging me, I go, okay. I started sending blank tapes. As a matter of fact, the great and wise Chelsea Handler sent the tape of herself having sex at one point before Montreal. No. Yes, she did. Did she get Montreal? Yes, she did. On a fucking

washer-dryer machine. We don't do what they tell you. We do what the fuck we want to do. That's Mitchie Shore's school of comedy. That's Pryor. That's Hicks that mental Kennison that mental that's what the store had to offer you the improv Improv is a great club. I worked them a lot. I did a lot of great work for them, but that External image that image that that's what the store was

The store was for people who didn't play around a A lot of people don't like going to the store. And when I was going there, bro, fucking Tupac had a shootout at the comedy store. How cool is that? There's still a bullet on the wall from when Tupac had his shootout at the fucking comedy store. What's going to happen?

At the Improv with all those fucking Gentiles? Ha, ha, ha, each other. This is great. The store was for rough motherfuckers. You know, and I alwaysiles, ha, ha, ha on each other. This is great. The store was for rough motherfuckers. You know, and I always said, like, listen, bro, let's figure it out. You go to the Improv and Laugh Factory when you're looking for a funny fucking comic. When you want somebody to fucking push your show to the next level, you go to the store. Those are the Marines of the fucking L.A.

At least they were. I don't know what's going on now. Listen, I'm not proud of half the shit I did, but the shit I'm proud of was I was part of a Marine one time. I was part of the comedy fucking Marines, okay? Well, we don't take shit. We go up there when it's dark, people

are puking, all that little bullshit they talk about now that they don't do, that's what we did, you know? And it's funny, I met Rogan at that thing. When Rogan first got to the store, one of the first times I met him, he was getting into a fight with another comic. I mean, it was a rough

fucking club. The guy threw a bottle at Joe or something. You gotta ask him. The guy threatened Joe with a bottle. I got a bottle back here. He was a comic. It was a different, the comedy store was not for everybody. The comedy store was not for everybody, you know for years I was telling Joe we should stab Carlos Mencia at this Comedy Store

We go off on him in front of people you have those little mazes in the middle Remember Scarface for the friend you fuck. Yeah the fire. Yeah. Yeah, that's the Comedy Store. You can stab somebody the comedy They wouldn't know a fucking thing about it That's a comedy store. You can stab somebody at a comedy store. They wouldn't know a fucking thing about it. They wouldn't know a thing about it. So Joe was always like, no, we shouldn't do that.

He was like, that's a bad idea, Joe. Yeah, Joe's a nice guy. Joe's a nice person. But that's what it was. It took me, I got to the store in 97, and it was the dark ages, man. Yeah. Where you had to follow Eddie Griffin, Paul Mooney. Yeah. I grew up watching Paul Mooney.

That's the best education a motherfucker could ever get. If you don't believe me, go buy the album Race Today by Paul Mooney. Holy fuck. Yeah. You know, that's the education. I used to see Paul Mooney come in with Elizabeth Taylor. Hmm. Paul Mooney would come in with Elizabeth Taylor.

Son. What? Fuck yeah. What? Who loves white women more with Elizabeth Taylor. With a white woman? Fuck yeah. Who loves white women more than the black guy who hates white men? He's gay. He was gay. He was a little sweet. That's why he liked Elizabeth. I loved Paul Mooney.

Paul was fantastic. And then I would have to follow him. Yeah. To three people. Who was the toughest follow? Don Barrera and me and Joe always have this conversation. There's a brother that had dreads. He came up from Cleveland.

He came up with Steve Harvey. Whoo, he was white. He was clean. Whoo, you were in for a fucking long night. Really? I still remember Missy would make me follow Don Marrera. I would just cry. Don would just tear the fucking room.

I would cry on the drive down there because why would you want to go somewhere to get shot? You know what I'm saying? Nobody ever drives themselves to go get shot. Yeah, yeah. And that's what I had to do every fucking Saturday night. Yeah. Go down there and get shot. The main room, forget it.

I never had the main room. My first 10 years at that store, I couldn't get a fucking giggle in that fucking main room, forget it. I never had the main room. My first 10 years at that store, I couldn't get a fucking giggle in that fucking main room. And I would tell her, don't put me in the main room because I'm going to eat shit. What would she do? Put you in the motherfucking main room. That's so fucking cool that she did that, though.

Yeah, no. It makes you grow over the bottom line. Because that's that affects her show. That affects her business. The way customers walk out of there. And she was like, nah, but I got to make him grow. You don't want to date somebody at the comedy store. You know why? Because if you break up with that person, you're going to be following that person for years.

She finds out. And she's going to make you follow her. Just to fuck with you. Oh, so she liked the drama. She thought that it made good content, good comedy. It was like the first YouTube house or whatever the fuck you call those TikTok houses. Something we didn't touch here, and I'm happy we didn't, was I have a daughter that's 32 and we don't talk. She's from my first marriage.

I think most of the OG in my comedy was because what I did on Wednesdays. On Wednesdays, I used to have her from 2 to 7. And her mother and her fucking boyfriend would abuse me. And they knew I had the two felonies, so they would abuse me even more because they had me by the balls. So all I could do at that time is cry, which I did. After I would give my daughter to them, I would get in my car and just cry. Not ashamed to say it. I would just bawl because I strive to be a man and these people are walking all over me, okay?

And I would smoke a joint, but I became a comic when I forced myself to do comedy. After that, yeah. The first four or five weeks, I would just go home and cry and I need to snort coke like a pussy. But then I was like, I gotta work off this. So for the next eight months, I would force myself

to do comedy after I fucking dropped her off. And then it reminded me of five years ago when I'm on a plane headed to go fucking do a gig, and as I get off the plane, I got a thing that says, Brody Stevens died, and now I gotta go entertain 3,000 people in a casino in Las Vegas. So all those little things come back to help you later, even though they don't as a comic. But I forced myself into dark material. I love Joe.

And you know why Joe became a good comic? Because he was the guy that went after the strongest guy in the room every night. He would ask for it. Where most people would go, I don't want to follow Diaz. They want the easy way out. I don't want to follow Andrew Schultz. Joe would take me on the road and tell me, I want you to be as dirty and as fucking buck wild as you can be. And I want to go up there.

And he would struggle for ten minutes. Then he got down to struggle for nine minutes. Then he struggled for eight minutes, then it got down to struggle for nine minutes, then you struggle eight minutes, four minutes. You know, before I left the store, one of the hardest guys to follow was Chris D'Elia. Yeah. His energy, and I would, you know,

that's the guy I would say put me up behind. Really? You know, because you want to test yourself. Yeah. Anybody can be the king, why be the king, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would go up behind Ali Wong, I love following her. Ali's phenomenal. I love following yeah yeah i would go up behind ali wong i love following yeah i love following her because i would go up there and say something perverted to her act yeah it was like

stealing you know it's like stealing she's just setting this up for me you know yeah it was a fascinating time i remember even watching it from from in new york and like you come up in new york and we know we've got, this amazing comedy history. You've got the Cellar, New York Comedy Club, and even, like, Dangerfields, Strip, and all these places. But I remember that time when things were really starting to bubble in L.A. And I remember when it was whack. I remember going to the store, and it felt like a ghost town. Ghost town.

Yeah, and I was like, I didn't even get it. I was like, why do people go up here? This shit is depressing. Like, what I was like, I didn't even get it. I was like, why do people go up here? This shit is depressing. Like, what the fuck is going on? And then I remember coming back and, like, feeling that fucking energy. And it was intense. It was really intense. And seeing guys, I remember seeing you for the first time.

I remember Joe being like, yo, you gotta watch Joey. Come, come, come, come, come watch Joey. And you, there was a comic that we had. Yeah, I don't know. I'm not even gonna compare you to anybody, but there was an energy that you had up there that was so authentic and so pure. And that's what I've always been kind of drawn to comedically. Like Patrice was my guy. That's the guy who I saw and I was like,

that's the greatest. I don't think there's anything bad. And it was just like, it was pure. It was authentic. And it was just like, this is how I feel. I remember you going up there and like, it felt like you had some things written, but it also felt like you were kind of like tagging things in the moment. And I was like, he's just he's in the flow state he found the energy and the audience met you and it was like this really special combustion you just watch it's like watching an engine work for the first time it's just like what the fuck is going on and um yeah it was just it was just a really really cool it's just a really cool thing to witness as a comic that was already in the game for a while and to go

see something else that was special. It's crazy. You never stop learning as a comic. That's the great thing about being a comic. Before the pandemic, I was catching myself on stage and going, when did I learn how to do this? That's what I was

going to ask you. And I would go, oh, I know. 96 when I was going to ask you. And I would go, oh, Idaho. 96 when I was doing the Tribble runs. You know, you think back. The what runs? Tribble. What's that? Tribble is a guy in the West Coast. He books Colorado, Northern California,

Idaho. It's a string of dates. It's $75 a night. You drive eight hours a night in between the gigs. You're the only thing that's happening75 a night. Yeah. You drive eight hours a night in between the gigs. Yeah, yeah. You're the only thing that's happening in that town. And you go to these gigs and they have warning labels. Like this stage could be, it gets active.

If you get a bottle thrown at you, go to your room and call the manager. And you're looking at this shit going. I still remember in Colorado, they had a fence up. Like the Blues Brothers. A fucking fence. And you're looking at this shit going, I still remember in Colorado they had a fence up like the Blues Brothers. A fucking fence. And you're up there doing comedy. And while you're doing it, you're like, what the fuck am I doing with my life?

If you're doing comedy two or three years, you're pretty happy. You're on the road. I'm doing it. Fuck yeah. I fucked some stripper last night. I got VD. But I'm doing my jokes. You're only some stripper last night. I got VD, you know, but I'm doing my jokes. You're only getting $25 a night. But for you, it's so fucking real. You're like, this is fucking great.

You know, like it's just, and Tribble, you have a different audience every night. And listen, I bombed five nights a week. You finally got one show on Saturday. Like the late show on Saturday, you're like fuck. Because you're in, you know, you sleep in hotels that were dumps, you know. It's just an experience and you have to do it.

I feel bad for the people who run from that. Because this is a fucking journey. And when I was a kid, there was a commercial that stuck with me forever, Pennzoil. Pennzoil's tune was, you either gonna to pay me now or you're going to pay me later. Yeah, that's great. How many motherfuckers did I see over the years go to Montreal, get a half a million dollar deal. You're going to pay for it later.

Bring their stick to the comedy store and leave there in tears. You know how many fucking times I saw all the stars come in there? Yeah. Oh, this kid's fresh from Montreal. He's going to destroy. I seen Mitchie Shore get up one night and go, the agents are telling me this kid was the next Bill Hicks. Yeah.

And she was so hot. She's like, Bill Hicks, my ass. Get him out of here. The kid was on stage. And she's like, get him out of here. Wow. Bill Hicks, my fucking ass. It was just, you know, you have to put the work in. stage and she's like get him out of here bill hicks my fucking ass you're gonna sell it was

just you know it you have to put the work in yeah if you're gonna go to la you better have all your fucking pools in yeah okay and you know everything i don't give a fuck what they tell you anymore you know listen i wish i would have just stuck with stand-up over the years and be the best i could but the podcast game came I always wanted to work in TV and film. We have to switch fucking hats from time to time. Now, I'm not doing a podcast no more. I cancelled

it. And now I'm not doing stand-up. But I know that by me doing this this summer, it'll push me back to get on stage. You got a little itch, huh? I got an itch, but I don't want to sell tickets. I want to come to your show, do 10 minutes and leave. Oh, dude, you are always welcome.

Not your show when you're doing a stage show. I'm talking about when you do your monthly night at the New York Comedy Club or the Cellar. I don't like dates over my head. Yeah, yeah.

People, I was telling your brother over here how hard it was for me to live in L.A. Number one, it was the 23 toughest years of my life, and I didn't know it until I got pulled out of it. Wait, why?

Because I can't be around those people. Jews? No, I love Jews. I can't be. You know, I watched your movie, you were in a movie. I really watched the movie. I enjoyed it, you people. Oh, it was horrible.

I really enjoyed the movie. I'm an Eddie Murphy guy. I'm an Eddie, that's why I did the movie. I'll take Eddie. I even watched Pluto Nash. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm Eddie. I'm Eddie.

Eddie opened up my eyes to a gift, and I repay him now. I'm Eddie. I like that movie, but I had to turn it off the first time. Midway in, I was getting anxiety. Julia Dreyfuss was giving me anxiety out the ass. Wait, why? Because she was so L.A. Oh, the character she played.

Nothing bothers me more. Nothing. Than this, these words I'm going to tell you. So where are you from, Joey? Cuba. I love Cuban people. I'm a culture. I've been to a ton of your parties.

I've never seen a spic at none of them. You know what I'm saying? Knock it off. I love African-Americans. How come I don't see you patois with African-Americans? Don't lie to me. Because we know. We know.

I know. You know what I'm saying? You know. Just watching her reminded me of my 23 years in L.A. I had to turn it off. And that's what you don't want your daughter to be? Not even fucking close. That's why you got to get it out. You just said it

yourself. I'm authentic up there. I work to be authentic. I don't ever want you to go, ooh, he's throwing a curveball at us to lie to us. No. Yeah, yeah. I want to be honest with you. I've never put a pair of sunglasses on. I want you to see my fucking eyes.

I don't wear sunglasses at all. I don't give a fuck what the moon is going to hurt your eyes. Go fuck yourself. That's a huge fucking pussy. It is interesting, though, because there are, and listen, people are fake everywhere. We have this thing in New York, there's no fake New Yorkers. I think sometimes what we do is we try to keep it so real that that's also fake. That's also fake.

Everybody has their fakeness, but there is an inauthenticity. Like I think growing up here, I never learned how to do small talk. So I don't know how to. Chit chat. I don't know how to do it. Me neither. Me neither. So like, and the guys laugh at me because when people try to do small talk with me,

I start asking deep questions because I don't, like somebody like, what's up with the weather? I'd be like, so your mom died? Like, because I don't know how to talk about the weather and and i felt myself in those situations feeling really uncomfortable with somebody talking to me in a fake way and it's like why you don't care about this i don't care about this and i don't know how to operate with you and and yeah it's interesting i don't know chitter chatter you call my wife. I torture my wife every fucking day about her friends and the chitter-chatter. I don't like chitter-chatter. I do not like chitter-chatter.

I just leave the room. Spill it out or don't say a fucking word. But chitter-chatter, I don't want to hear. I'm half deaf. So I got to stop what I'm doing to hear your stupidity, that stupid question that you don't really give a fuck about. You don't care. Why are we filling time? Yeah.

So why are we doing this? So I had a hard time with that. I have a hard time, bro, I have a hard time with this area. Yeah. When I left here,

this is Blue Column. Yeah. The people who wanted to be cute went to the village and we left them there and that's what they did, the Amazings

and we're here to save the world and all that shit. You knew where to go. You went to the fucking village. I went to CBGB the first time when I was 14 to see the police in 1978. Roxanne. So don't bullshit me about

I know this fucking area. It just changed. It has. But they still got some like, no, last night I went to over on House and there's a place Bellato's. Emilio Bellato. It's like an old school like no last night i went to um over on house and there's a place balados emilio balado it's like an old school old school italian spot like uh you know what's the other one up up to reyos or whatever is still there balados is still there they're all there no close man or no not 24 hours that was fucking heartbreaking i didn't know it was open before

midnight they could have all the shit that's old. This city doesn't have that at all. No, see, that's why I give pushback, where it's just like, there's something that permeates the city. Don't get me wrong, there's change, but New York is change. That's the thing a lot of people don't get. It's like, I grew up in the East Village. I saw the East Village be bars where they were throwing midgets and Velcro suits on the wall to turn into Japanese haircutting places. I saw St. Mark's completely transfer, and it's just like, that's what it does. Neighborhoods change. This neighborhood used to be nice.

Chelsea used to be nice. Now that shit is every homeless crackhead you've ever seen is walking around Chelsea. New York is change, and when you're in it for 20, 30, 40 years, you see it. So you go, okay, that is the culture of this. And we adapt to what's going on and we don't budge on the things we don't want to budge on. And then we embrace these new things that come around. So when I see people who come to the city, like from Maine and they're here for 10 years and like, oh, it's not the same. It's like, it's never the same motherfucker. And the people that are strong enough to deal with that are the ones that put their roots in.

And they maintain their fucking culture. That Bilotto's doesn't have fucking paint on the walls. They got picture with every fucking asshole that's been in there. And there's a dad out there. Like an asshole, I walked up and I go, because a buddy of mine set something up. And I was like, hey, I was like, how you doing? It's the two of us. He goes, all right, just give me a second.

I was like, Emilio Jr. said, like, I wasn't trying to be douchey. I was like, he said that there's a table in the back. And I looked at the dude, and I was like, I know this dude isn't the host. Like, the way he was sitting out there, and he was kind of, like, posted up, and he had a fucking patek on one wrist. And I was like, he's not buying that watch just from, like, seating people, right? And I was like, okay, cool. We'll just, we'll just hang. No big deal.

I didn't make a big deal on anything. We walk in there. He's the fucking, it's a lot of, you know what I mean? He's in every picture with the George Clooney. There's that the other, and it's like,

okay, this is New York. New York is still here. New York is not moving. It's just changing. It's just breathing. And that's what it does. All right.

When I left here in 85, I was going to bars. You could do anything you wanted in a fucking bar. I remember coming back here like, I don't know, like in 88 or something. And there was a bunch of kids on the Upper West Side drinking water at a bar. And I just walked out. I might have been in that bar. I just walked out. That's not the city I remember walked out. I might have been in that bar. I just walked out.

That's not the city I remember, guys. I see. This is 1993, to be honest with you. I still remember going to a club with a girl, and we went in the bathroom to do a line of coke, and the doorman was going to call 911. And I'm like, look, five years ago, I was having sex, lighting my balls on fire.

My friend was shooting heroin, and nobody said nothing. Now you want to throw us out for doing a line of coke in fucking, it was 20th Street by Manhattan Honda. There used to be an open mic down there by Godfather's Pizza. And I'll never forget that. The guy said to me, like, you can't do coke in here. I'm like, are you fucking retarded? It's the bathroom. Not only that.

I got the decency to go to the bathroom. I come back after 30 years to go to Jersey. I love where I live. My daughter's blossoming there. It's fucking sports. The people are great. When Mr. Softee comes on my block, I'm the only motherfucker out there with my daughter.

Gluten intolerant. They're allergic to dairy. There's eight fucking kids on my fucking street yeah and not one of them want fucking ice cream yeah like it's changed life has changed there's no kids on the street there's no kids out there playing does your daughter understand you more now now that she's in jersey yes because there's no use in la no but you can find your energy back east. Well, she met my friends. Okay, so she's like- That was like, she always says to me, but dad, you're from another planet.

She's not wrong, bro. No, she's like, you're from another planet. You're from a different time. Yeah. She's become my number one conciliate. Really? Yeah. How old is she now?

10. And you're going to her for advice already? Yeah. Okay. The other day I said something to her. She goes, what's the matter with you today? I go, you know what, man? I had to tell somebody.

She doesn't curse. But I go, I had to tell somebody to go fuck themselves and it didn't feel good. And she looked at me and she's like, you know what, Dad? Every once in a while, you got to do that. And I'm like, you know what? She gets me. I told her last week, she's like, you know, be yourself. I don't want to She gets me. She's okay. I told her last week, she's like, you're not me yourself. I don't want to do the podcast anymore.

She goes, don't. She goes, I can tell on the days you do it. Oh, really? And I'm like, that's it. That's it. Argument is over. How far are you from the city? 55 minutes.

So it's a little bit of a drive. What are you closer to? Philly? What's like the closest? I'm an hour from Philly. Okay, so you're right. I go to a lot of Philly games. I go to a lot of Philly games. I go to a lot of Sixer games. I go to a couple of baseball

games. I've been to a couple of Yankee games. It's not the same. Yeah. There was a chick sitting next to me with a red diabetic foot eating a pretzel. Come on, guy. Go take care of the fucking foot. She put a tattoo of a flower on the foot. The fucking foot was purple at Yankee Stadium. I can't do it.

Were you ever around Studio 54 back in the day? Towards the end. Yeah. Towards the end. I went in there. One of the one times I did go in there wasn't, but it was like 85 maybe. Bro, me and my friend had a big bag of Coke,

but we ran out of money for drinking. And we're like, what the fuck are we going to do? And I look down, there's a $100 bill. I'm like, dad, damn. There's a God up in the fucking sky. I wanted to ask you a comedy question. When did you, when were you like, oh, I'm good at this? And what, because your style is going to be very unique to what we think comedy is.

Guy back then in a suit telling jokes. Your shit was completely different. When were you like, oh, I'm fucking good at this? And I figured out how to be authentic on stage? I was like you guys. I was doing jokes. You know, you're doing jokes. You guys remember the vagina monologues?

Yeah. Okay. That was like 98, 99, maybe 2000. I wanted something for us. And the belly room had this, you know, they always said, take the belly room. I called it testicle testaments. What I wanted for people

to do was to go up there and tell a story of when they knew they became a man. Not when you fucked your neighbor, not when you beat up the school principal. Something happened, a death of a parent, something, a cat. I don't know, whatever.

But be honest. And a lot of people, I had Dice, Jay Moore, and Scott Wolf. Everybody would go down there and tell a story that you would just fucking get blown away from. Jay Moore told the story of when he got caught with the NyQuil in Canada. Andrew Dice Clay told the story about when he cried on the the NyQuil in Canada. Andrew Dice Clay told the story about when he cried on the Arsenio show. Just so many different stories.

And I went up there and told the story, but when at the end of the story I realized, nobody laughed. And that's a complete different muscle. Especially coming from where we're coming from. Can you imagine going up there and nobody fucking laughs? But you still had a good time.

That taught me the control that I got somewhere else with my comedy. And then I got infatuated with going on stage and actually making people cry for a while. Telling them a story. That's how I started telling stories

about my mother, finding my mother dead. I started telling sad stories just to see how far you could push it. And not hearing laughter. Being comfortable with no laughter. The thing that we are trained not to like. By doing that, being comfortable and not laughter, it gave you more patience. And it taught me to tell stories, and it built confidence.

That confidence builder was bigger than following Paul Mooney. That confidence builder, when you know you could go up there, because as a comic, we're programmed, from the time we hit, we gotta fucking make them laugh. The laughter becomes your confidence. So without it, you're

devoid of confidence. This guy, for the long, we would start and he'd be just comfortable in these silences. And he always had a good punchline at the end of the silence. But I remember looking at that and early on being like, fuck. And for the longest, I feel like I've started to get there in the past couple of years. But for the longest, I was like, man, I don't know how the fuck he does that. But there was a confidence it takes where it's like, I know I'm funny enough that even in the silence. I can take the pause. On the back end, I'll get you.

The pause is. But you've had that since fucking year two or whatever. The pause is, I thought the pause was the steroids. Like learning how to manipulate that pause and hold that tension and like stretch it out as far because you're going to get the payoff on the back end. But your discomfort in the pause is what's going to cripple the audience. The second they feel you're uncomfortable in that pause,

but if they feel like you're up to something... You own it? They'll take the ride with you. They will. It's really weird what you learn up there. And that's the other thing why I stopped doing comedy in a way. I liked it when I didn't get paid. When I

started getting paid is when it become a pain in the fucking ass. Really? And that's what I wanted to go back to now. I tell people when they offer me gigs and I go, do me a favor, call me when I've done 20 gigs without getting paid. Because it became something that I loved so much.

It became something that I only didn't want to do to get paid. And that's not good. I was still doing free sets in LA, but I really got addicted to that check on a Saturday night. And it got to the point that I cared about my material, I cared about my performance, but once I got that check, the week is over. I'm going home.

And it became like I didn't even... I was just going through the motions to get that check, the week is over. I'm going home, you know? And it became like, I didn't even, I was just going through the motions to get that check. Yeah. And when the pandemic came, I'm like, I don't even like leaving the fucking house anymore. Yeah. And now every time I do book a gig and I'm getting money, I feel uncomfortable

because I don't know what I feel like doing on that fucking day. You know, I'm to a point in my life where it was getting old for me the last three or four years, because every time I would book something, I'd get a call an hour later on something. I would like a dance with my daughter or something important that I thought would be important for me. It would always happen after I booked a gig. And that gave me too much anxiety. I got sick and tired of waking up in the morning with anxiety going, fuck, I got to go to

the comedy store tonight and do two shows? God damn it. I was the type of guy I didn't like being on. I couldn't even dream of not doing comedy. First time I took a week off was 14 years in. Wow. Rogan talked me into taking a week off, and it almost killed me. It almost killed me.

Why? What'd you do? I just snorted coke the whole fucking week. Not that. It was just like I was lost but I knew I needed that breather. I took my first breather when I booked my biggest feature, Longest Yard.

Up to date. I go, now I can take a fucking breather. But the question you asked earlier, when I met Joe Rogan, he was on news radio. I didn't fucking know what news radioan, he was on news radio. Yeah. I didn't fucking know what news radio was. Yeah. I was on stage every night.

Yeah. If a comic knows a TV show, you're fucking up. You shouldn't know what's on TV at all. Yeah. Because from 7.45 on, you should be out at night. You should be out. So I didn't know. I didn't watch TV for years. Yeah.

I didn't even know what NYPD was until I got to L.A. And they sent me on an audition. I'm like, what's NYPD blue? And they had to break it down for me. I didn't know dick. So when I met Joe, they kept saying news radio. I thought he was a weather guy. A fucking anchorman or something.

News radio, news radio, news radio. I thought he was a fucking anchorman or some shit. But he was a fucking, he worked on news radio. And he didn't smoke weed or anything back then. Back then he was still a gorilla on all fours. That's what I always tell you. You ever see those gorillas on all fours? That's who Joe.

Joe was rough, tough, and inspiring. Really? Because Joe, I always loved stand-up, but Joe put the love into me. Really? Yeah, because he's on news radio. He's making $30,000 a week. And he's still getting up. And he's still coming to the store after a 15-hour day to do a 15-minute set, a $15 set.

That's character, bro. Most people get a TV show, you don't see him. Made fucking check out. You don't see him no more. Not only would he still show up, but he would show up after a fucking 10 a.m. in the morning to 10 o'clock at night shooting there on news radio, and he would still be there 11.45. That gives you something. That makes you go, okay. Yeah.

He likes this. I like this. Do you remember when he asked you to do the podcast the first time? What did you even think a podcast was? Well, we were doing podcasts at night on the road. They didn't start like that. Oh, really? They didn't start in the studio. We would do a comedy show and then go

back to his hotel room and him and Brian were talking shit. I was watching, you were on episode 25 of the Joe Rogan Experience, so you're the earliest because Chrysler was on at like 79 or 80 or something like that. You were on super early, so I was curious about that. I'm glad you asked how that whole thing happened.

So we were doing it at night. We would do a show and then do it at night. And then one night I'm like, why am I doing this? Who the fuck is at home Friday at midnight? 13-year-old kids. That's who's home. Why the fuck are we doing this, Joe? Let's go shoot pool.

Let's go smoke pot, something. And that's when he started doing the podcast. And then him and Brian kept doing something. You heard little rumblings of the guy from the man show. Adam Carolla? Adam Carolla. Yeah. And then you had Mark Maron.

That was the easiest. Those were the earliest signs of podcasting. But again, on my end, I always knew this. I always knew that if I got to tell my story, the comedy game would change for me. Because I'm a big

fan of HBO boxing. Yeah, of course. And I might hate you as a boxer, but I might watch that. And all of a sudden, they show you two daughters. They show you going up to the Bronx and eating fried bananas with Cuban people. And I'm like, this guy ain't that fucking bad.

I'm going to follow him a little more. So I always knew, because all comics have are jokes. You think you know me from me doing a joke, but you don't know I got three kids. You don't know I put mascara on and play house with them and drink tea. You just see me as a big gorilla.

I knew that if I got to tell my story, I could do something with comedy. So when the podcast platform came up, I was like, it's like comedy again. I know it'll change my life, but I don't want to do it. And then finally I broke down and did it, and everything changed. And again, we were doing a podcast for maybe six months and nothing happened and i told a story about mugging a hooker and taking it back to jersey and laying a wig on fire and that next weekend i had 200 people at my show no just like that this is on joe's podcast i did it on with felicia michaels i'll never forget that we're doing doing Beauty and the Beast, and I was telling the story, and when I looked up, her mouth had dropped.

I saw it. The bug catcher, I could see her jaw had dropped, and I'm like, that's what we need. And a week later, that stupid club that they had in New York for a while, they had that stupid guy, the guy, he opened one up out there. And it was like a- Laugh Factory. No, no, no, no, no. This was like a little fucking guy. He was in the village around here somewhere. And then he opened up one out there too.

Where, out there in- In Melrose, he opened it up. And he had a different room at the time. And one night I was driving down, it was a Sunday night show I booked. If I was going to get 12 people, I would have been happy. But on the way down there, he called me in the car and he goes, where are you? And I'm like 10 minutes away, I'm at the 101. He goes, hurry up, man, I got like 150 people here.

That's what all club owners tell you, till you get there, they're like, I only had 20, I just wanted maybe you to rush. When I got there, there was a line outside the door, all for that fucking stupid story. And then I just ran maybe you to rush. When I got there, there was a line outside the door. Wow. All for that fucking stupid story. And then I just ran with it. If you guys went crazy on this, wait till I tell you the story when I kidnap the dude. Wait till I tell you this one. It keeps on building?

It keeps on building. And you literally saw week after week, you just start to double up, double up, double up. I started doing clubs Wednesday and Thursdays. One show, one night. Just because I could make more money than they're paying me for the whole week. And we just built on that. We just kept building on that. And then I had another feather in my cap.

Ari has his This Is Not Happening show. And I laid stories on that. And that was it. That was it after that. Those did more for me than a Netflix special. Really? Those did more for me than any other special, anything I did. Those Comedy Central stories, again, because I made them cry.

Everybody else went to be cute and to make them laugh and giggle at stupid shit. I'm going to take you to a roller coaster. I'm going to make you laugh. I'm going to make you cry first so that laughter I'm going to make you laugh. I'm going to make you cry first. So that laughter is a little better. That laughter tastes a lot better. Yeah, I was thinking about your style and how long it took you to kind of like break through. And I was like, yeah, you can't capture Joey in a 15-minute feature set or the comedy store 10 minutes or 12 minutes or whatever. So podcasting was the perfect platform for you.

Perfect. To get to know you. Listen, when I started comedy, I was a Rodney Dice guy. I was dirty and I was doing right, you know, Rodney jokes, that style of jokes. And I have a good friend that you know, mutual friend.

And he was doing something special. Like when they put a lot of comics on one show, they gave him like a 15 minute spot. And I was waiting for him to come on. And I'll never forget I had to take a shit. So I went to the bathroom and I left the door open. Nobody was home so I could hear his materials.

And me watching him and me hearing him was two different situations. I could hear he had a punchline setup situation that nobody's going to remember you by. If you just go up there, Rodney was Rodney and he was older, so he had the persona to get

away with it. But if you as a 23-year-old were to do that, people are going to go home. I want to connect with you. I got to fucking raise the stakes. I got to touch you in a human being. Now I know what I've been doing wrong for 12 years telling jokes

don't tell jokes tell a little piece of yourself tell your story and use the jokes use the jokes as a way to tell you know where I got that from following David Tell I would follow David Tell

I would do the last spot at the Comedy Cellar Late Show and Dave would go up and he'd have like amazing jokes but he also had like this personality like there was an energy and the personality like who you are is your energy and then if they're attracted to that energy and they're into their energy they buy that as who you really are

the jokes are like this icing on the cake and if the jokes are really good you're just batting 1,000. There's nothing you can do. And I remember going up after him and just being flat and then trying to figure it out. It'd be like week after week. It was just like nothing. I was like, what the fuck is going on?

Like, these jokes are working before. And I was like, oh, I'm just doing jokes. I'm just going up there and giving them word problems. And this is a process, guys. You have to come to that conclusion yourself. Yeah. If you try to rush it, I want you to come to it yourself. Oh, this is what I'm

doing wrong. I'm not doing this because fucking... And it's not just like, you don't just become a person by saying parts of your life because you might not even be talking about your life, but the way you talk about something informs us of who you are.

Immediately, it can be impactful. You're like, oh, that's that type of guy? I fuck with that type of guy? And as if those jokes are kind of intertwined with that persona? That's the highest level, man. Yeah, that's the highest level. That's crazy, dude.

You won't tell me who it is, that guy? Off camera, you can tell me. Off camera, yeah, I'll tell you. But it was really here just hearing him and going, there's nothing there. That's what I've been doing for 15 years. That's why I've had no success. I think that a lot of times- There's no substance there. Yeah, I think it's like people are so terrified of not getting a laugh that their security blanket becomes the word problems, the jokes, right?

Because they do work, and especially in a comedy club setting, right? It's just like you've seen four or five dudes, and it's just like, okay, what's your new magic jokes, right? Because they do work and especially in the comedy club setting, right? It's just like you've seen four or five dudes and it's just like, okay, what's your new magic tricks, right? They almost become magic tricks. But that's something that the road really kind of exposed to me. It's like, bro, you can't pretend for an hour.

No. You can pretend for 15 minutes. You can get away with it. It's fun. But that hour is after a while, it's like, bro, I'm done with the fucking SAT exam. Like, just give me, like, who you are. Yeah. Bomb as you. Bomb, and they'll love it.

As you. They'll take it. That is better. They'll take it. Yeah, then, okay, you got me. You tricked me. You tricked me. Yeah.

You tell a lot of stories in your book. Was there anything you left out like too crazy to put in the book oh let me pee and i'll get that the fucking publisher bro i almost canceled this book wait really i want to hear that oh you know they're scared they're petrified okay tell us what what did the publisher not want to put in they didn't want to use a lot of the names, which I understood. So I had to go back and go through names again and see, what the fuck can you put this name in? He didn't want any names where there were crimes involved with that person.

Okay. A lot of stories I told for that person, I told their first name, but not their last name. Yeah. And I changed another guy's name apart. And then some of the stories were just you know, I mean some of them were fucking out there. And we had to lock those up, you know, just to make the story, just to

make it flow a little bit more. Shit like that. We used to, in 93 when I was in the city doing comedy, I had been doing comedy for three years at that point. And I wanted to come back here. I'd just shit the bed in Boulder. I was like, I need to walk the streets where I grew up. I need to come home and fucking walk these streets.

I would take the fuck. I would go up to 181st and take the A train down and fucking loved it. I love everything about that. My favorite part of this whole city is 181st and take the A train down and fucking loved it. I love everything about that. My favorite part of this whole city is 181st Street at that time because I would go to Carvel. I would get a dime bag on 174th Street. I knew that area right by the medical center. There's a Cuban restaurant up there. I just loved that area.

So what the fuck are we talking about? So when I came back in 93, a buddy of mine that I was tight with asked me if I wanted to make some money with him doing, like, drug rips. And he had DEA contacts. So he had the badge and the jackets and shit. And our job was just to go up to that area and case out drug dealers. And one of the stories that nobody would believe that me and this kid saw, we were just parked outside of a building. And we could see people going in to buy drugs and shit. And we were there for like two days. And one day a guy got in the car and saw us.

And he went on the West Side Highway. And we were like behind him. And like a mile away, he pulled into that spot like on 90th Street, and he just ran away from the car. He got so paranoid, he thought we were cops, that he pulled over and just ran. We're like, what the fuck? So we waited like 25 minutes, and I go, and my buddy went over to the car, opened his trunk, and the guy had two kilos in there. Just like that.

And that's how I got back to Colorado in 93. With that money. It never ended, dog. Colorado in 93 with that money. Yes. Fuck. It never ended, dog. What a great hustle. Just have the DEA outfit on in the car,

wait for someone to act wild, follow them until they leave their shit. That's, I mean, perfect. The guy must have saw us like two days in a row. He got paranoid. You know, I've been there.

I called the cops on myself a few times and shit. What do you mean? Oh, in 1986 in Aspen, I was living in Snowmass, house sitting, and my girlfriend at the time went for a wedding

that I was supposed to go to, but I busted into the ounce of Coke on a Friday night that I had saved for like a month, and now I couldn't leave the fucking apartment. Like, I could not leave that fucking house where I was house sitting, and now I couldn't leave the fucking apartment. I could not leave that fucking house

where I was house-sitting. I was so paranoid, I wouldn't even let the dog out to go pee. He kept looking at me like pee was coming out of his ears. I gotta go out and pee. I'm like, you're not going out there. There's cops out there and shit. I got so paranoid that weekend that I called the cops three times on myself.

There's burglars on the property, and they would walk around and, there's burglars on the property, and they would walk around, there's no burglars. The last time the cop said to me, Mr. Diaz, when was the last time you did a line of coke? Please, put the bag away. Wow. And that was it.

Wow. Yeah, I used to get fucked up, guys. Dude, what was the worst trip you ever had? Like, you ever did acid and had a bad trip? Nah. Really? Shrooms, nothing? Nah, that's kid stuff.

I never even did that many shrooms. Because when we were living here, it was all acid and mescaline. There was no mushrooms on the East Coast back then. Nobody even knew what a fucking mushroom was. When I went to Aspen in 83, somebody gave me mushrooms. I was like, wow. But they gave me diarrhea. So why the fuck would I want to trip and have diarrhea?

Give me the fucking acid. We were playing around with kid shit. Did I hear that you supplied coke to Whitney Houston? Yeah, that was crazy. Can you tell us anything more about that? Because that's an insane footnote. It was like the weirdest fucking story ever. I used to buy weed from a guy.

Every week I'd go over there. This was before legal marijuana. He knew I did coke. And he would ask me, hey, man, I got a client that could really use your help. But I already knew, like, whenever somebody comes up to you and says, I have something for you like that, it sounds good. But it could be a cop. It could be a thousand things so i just brushed him off you know i'm okay and finally one day he's like listen my friend really needs help

he's a tour manager and his client really needs this coke can you at least meet with him and talk to him he'll pay you top dollar i'm like okay and okay. And I met with the guy in the conversation. He goes, I could buy like an ounce of Coke from you every day. I'm like, okay. But I'm doing time. I was already into comedy already, you know? And I'm like, I don't want to do time now for Coke. Let's give it a run.

I go, how about I sell you a half ounce to start off with? And it started small. After about three weeks, I would go, because he was coming every other fucking day for half ounce of coke. And finally I go, what the fuck, guy? What do you do?

And he's like, I'm Whitney Houston's tour manager. I thought you were talking about Whitney Cummings. No, they're here. They're here. They're here.

I didn't even know Whitney did blow. They're here. They're here doing an album, her and Bobby Brown. Yeah. So they were getting after it. They were going after it. But I never saw her.

Like, I would love to tell you I partied with them, but no, no, no, that was bullshit. I never saw them. Then I didn't, they were there from like, I don't know, maybe November. And then like in January, when is the Grammys? February, I think, February. In February, it was the Grammys.

And I'm like, these motherfuckers have been calling me every day for the Grammys. What are they going to do? They're going to want half of Columbia. And I'll never forget that Grammy weekend. I was hosting at the store, and I went to the bathroom and Tom Cruise was in the bathroom. And he looked at me and he goes, you're pretty funny out there. Something about

short came out, like in the bathroom. He was pretty short. He was in there with his wife at the time, the redhead. They were at the House of Blues for an Oscar party, a Grammy party. And I remember that night I went home and I'm like, wow, the Grammys, these motherfuckers didn't call me all weekend.

I went home, and the next morning at 7 o'clock, my page is going off. And it's the manager. And he goes, hey man, sorry we didn't get a hold of you. We've been busy. Can you get us something this morning? It was 7 in the fucking morning. I'm like, God damn.

Okay. I called the Martel cartel. That's where I got my coke from, the Martel cartel. And they're like, come over. It's 7 in the morning. And at this time he was still buying a half ounce and sometimes he would buy an extra eighth. And I was putting a little bit of cut in it, making money off the coke.

And I'd take a gram out of the shit. Well, that morning they they wanted, like, fucking an ounce and a half. And they came to my house, and that was the only time I saw Whitney. Oh, wow. Oh, she actually showed up. Yeah.

She was very sweet, very nice. I didn't do coke with them, you know. I love to tell you, I was there with Bobby Brown. They were, and they, I sold them the coke, and that's the last time I ever sold them. This is 1990s, 93? No, no, no. I was living with my wife already,

so it had to be like late 90s, early 2000s. Wow. And I was the last. The preacher's wife. Isn't that crazy? Why would she show up? Because they were out the night before. They didn't even go home.

They never slept. No, I could tell you more of this story, which I will when the cameras aren't on, where they were coming from, whose house they were coming from that night. Oh, didn't even go home. They never slept. No, I could tell you more of this story, which I will when the cameras aren't on, where they were coming from, whose house they were coming from that night. Oh, wow.

Oh, okay. And who else is in the car. Oh, okay. It was pretty like, wow. Did you ever follow up with Matthew McConaughey after the Ralphie May incident? Nah, nah, nah.

He never said anything? You never saw him? Nah, nah. That was just in the backyard. Have you ever heard this story? No, what heard the story? No, what's the story? When Ralphie first moved to, a lot of people don't know,

like when you move to an old Hollywood neighborhood, you'll see a celebrity in that neighborhood. And you go, why is that person here? Well, because they lived in that neighborhood before they made it. And now they're going to visit their friends. In that neighborhood, it was the chick from The Wrestler my cousin Vinny Marissa Tomei's sister lived on that block

so you would see her walk with her dogs all the time and this is a shitty part of Hollywood Guns N' Roses had a garage across the street, that's where they lived so it was by the guitar center right there and there's a big garage behind where Matthewthew mcconnell uh where fucking uh what

marissa told my sister lives and that's where matthew used to have his cars when he was broke they're broken down garages and he had like a volkswagen you know those two-door volkswagens yeah with the trunk in the front he had one one of those. No, not a Beetle. The Rabbit? Not the Rabbit, the square one, but the longer one. It doesn't matter. Anyway, he had one of those in his garage, and he would come back there and work on them. I didn't know this.

I didn't even know there was garages back there. But Ralphie lived on Schrader. Back in that neighborhood, that neighborhood was Josh Wolf on Vista. Ralphie was on Schrader. Back in that neighborhood, that neighborhood was Josh Wolf on Vista, Ralphie was on Schrader, Nick DiPaolo and Mitch Hedberg were on Sierra Bonita,

and Doug Stanhope was on Curzon. This is a hell of a fucking neighborhood. And we'd all play tennis at three o'clock down by Gorky Park, a Russian park on Fountain there. Bro, they used to sell nickel bags at the park back then. Every afternoon, we'd make

Doug Stamble, we'd make fucking Sun Tea, and we'd all meet there at Gorky Park. That's what Mitch Hedberg wrote the joke about. I'll never be as good as my wall playing tennis. All that shit. I still remember coming to my house with Mitch smoking dope and him

telling me about thinking of moving to New York. I don't know if it's a good move of me going, bro, there's nobody in New York like you. I don't belong in New York. There's 20 of me's there. But you? There ain't nobody like you in New York. And he got to New York and he blew up like a motherfucker. Wow.

That was a hell of a fucking neighborhood. So wait, what happened with Matthew McConaughey? So Matthew McConaughey was one of the celebrities in that neighborhood. And one day I'm sitting upstairs with Ralph and he's like, you see this motherfucker out here? I'm like, who is it? He's like, Matthew McConaughey. Ralphie had a screen on his window. You could see out, but you couldn't see in.

And Ralphie would sit there in the afternoons and go, Matthew McConaughey, you sucked. No, no, no. For 15, 20 minutes. And after a while, Matthew McConaughey would throw his wrench down and go, who the fuck is saying that up there? Fuck you. You got the balls to say it. Matthew

McConaughey, you sucked. Fuck you. And then the next day again, and then he would start with, Matthew McConaughey, you owe me Fuck you. And then the next day again. And then he would start with, Matthew McConaughey, you owe me $750 for the wedding singer, whatever that fuck. Fuck you. How many movies have you done? But he couldn't see us, but we could see him. And it was like a torture chamber for like three months every time he went back there.

Matthew McConaughey, I'm not listening to you motherfuckers today. Leave me the fuck alone. Every day we had a war with him. Ralphie had a war with him. And you've never connected with McConaughey about this? No, until one day I went to Ralphie's and McConaughey was sitting on his. No. Ralphie went because McConaughey threatened him.

How about I come up there and beat you up? Ralphie's like, Matthew McConaughey, you suck. It was like a broken record concert. Matthew McConaughey, you suck. like a broken record concert Matthew McConaughey you suck oh fuck Ralphie's a Texas boy too yeah he's Houston isn't he

oh they became friends yeah I go up there one day he's on the couch sitting there smoking bongs I'm like what the fuck wait they became homies

they became like for that day that Ralphie hit and he moved and I don't know what happened to their relationship wow

that's so funny what a life man that's cool with McConaughey they get cool with him for years he's been shit talking to me and I can still hang out with you in one day

that's cool Matthew McConaughey he would still Matthew McConaughey you suck you suck listen Joey I gotta know

you look back on your life, before we finish up here, do you look back on your life and do you think that you've got all the juice out of it? Or do you think that you wish you did things differently? Well, I want the conclusion I came up with after reading this book is I got my money's worth. You got your money's worth. I got my motherfucker's money's worth, okay, which I wanted. You know, I grew up with kids that, there's a kid I grew up with, I use him as an example. He had a mother, he had a father, they were well off.

And the only thing he's done in 40 years is buy a house two doors from his father. He never left the block. He never left the neighborhood. What a fucking waste of a fucking life. And for what? To be a fucking political guy, to hang signs or whatever the fuck it is. You know, I knew as a young age that from looking at that mountain shit

that I had to get the fuck out of here. Not forever, but just get the fuck out of there to see what else was out there. You had to see mountain time. You know? I got to see mountain time. I got to see fucking prison time. I got to see fucking every night of the time.

I lost a daughter. I made friends. I went to college. You know, I had a fucking life that I wish I would have done some parts of it differently. Abso-fucking-lutely. But no. Why? I had a fucking life that I wish I would have done some parts of it differently. Abso-fucking-lutely. But no.

Why? This was fun, man. When you're struggling with comedy, that's the best it's ever going to be. And you know who told me that once? Slash. Wow. I went to the Riviera. I was opening up for Rogan at the Riviera, getting $100 a show for the Dirty Show at the Riv.

And Slash was on the plane with us from, he was on a fucking Southwest flight. And then we checked into the Riviera and I went down the middle of the night. I had no weed. I couldn't sleep. And there was Slash by himself at the bar. And he's sober.

He's sober for years. Yeah, I walked up. I don't know if he was drinking that night. I walked up to him and I go, I'm a big fan, I walked up to him. And I go, I'm a big fan. And I'm like, listen, man. If you could do it over. Like, we're just getting into music. And he already told me.

He goes, cherish what you're going through right now. He goes, are you broke? Yep. Do you need money sometimes? Yep. Are you frustrated? Yep. He goes, cherish this.

Because someday it's not going to be like this. But you knowing you had this is going to make it a lot easier for you. And that's what he always said that happened to Axl Rose. Axl Rose had a hard time accepting his success. And that was really the first guy I saw in L.A. I got to L.A. on a Monday night. And Tuesday I went to walk my dog. And Axl Rose was sitting in a fucking car on the corner from the night before.

I didn't talk to him or went up to him. I don't go up to those people. But that was the first real Hollywood person I saw was Axl fucking Rose. But I thought about that. He goes, the struggle is what's going to make you stronger, and that's what you're going to remember later on. And it's very true. Like I said, I didn't have

a good time later on with comedy. How beautiful is creating? How beautiful is learning? Whether, you know, the first year of stand-up, I wore a suit every day. Until one day I did a quick set with a hooded sweatshirt and I got a better laugh. But when I got into

comedy, I wore a suit because I wanted to be Lenny Clark. He did the Rodney Dangerfield special. He wore an Armani suit. It looked great. Whenever he talked, the suit would open up and you'd see the fucking Taylor's name. Come on, man. That's what it is, but it didn't work for me. It wasn't you. But you have to figure that out.

That journey is the fucking best. When you learn how to go, you know what? I like this joke, but this motherfucker ain't working. I got to put this here and come up with something else here. That's the beauty of creating. When it got old for me was when I got to fight with my agent about why the town hall is charging me $250 to fucking pick up. That's what wore me out. The art of stand-up, doing stand-up,

for the sense of doing it, it's beautiful. And I suggest everybody do it, even if they don't stick with it. Just do it one time. You know, just try it, just to see what we see. When you open your big fucking mouth next time about what you don't like about stand-ups or whatever. I've done a thousand things that I don't do anymore, but I did them just so I could say I did them

and got them over with. I go to jujitsu. You know why I go to jujitsu? I don't want to be a tough guy. I want to stay in shape. But most important thing, you ever watch something? A UFC and this motherfucker's

talking shit. He don't know what he's talking about. Or he's judging the guy. Meanwhile, the guy's never broke a fucking egg to make a sandwich. And you're going to judge a fighter who breaks

his fucking ass. So I found myself doing that one day and I go, fuck it. Join Jiu-Jitsu, Joe. Now you can talk shit. And that's what I do now. So try everything as a stand-up comic. Because you never know. Look at what we learned here today. The levels. Bro, I did it for

20 years. And, you know, yeah, we got some movies and, yeah, there was a little bit of success, but the success I was looking for, that fucking laughter. Next time you go home, motherfuckers, I want you to do me a favor. Watch Cat Williams' bit on Michael Jackson.

I remember you saying this on another, yeah. Did you ever see that bit? I can't remember. That's stand-up comedy. That's stand-up comedy. You know, what is it? How does he open up that thing? I don't remember. Meanwhile, Michael Jackson smelling little boy's baby's pizza hole and all this shit.

He goes off on Michael Jackson, but he did it in front of an African-American audience that was fucking split down the middle. I want you to see that reaction. That's what your show should be like every fucking night. Half those motherfuckers going, ooh, but laughing. They're not going to go home and, he said to Michael Jackson, they're not going to yelp you. And the other motherfuckers loving what you say.

He didn't say that Michael Jackson joke in front of a white audience. He did that in a fucking 98% black audience. And listen to that reaction. It's a fucking beautiful reaction. It's fucking like, that's the reaction you want when they don't even know what the fuck him They don't know what Adam. Hmm Why everybody else is doing knock-knock jokes, you know Comedy I read today that it's so hard to make a comedy now a movie. Well, there's a writer's tray

Because everybody's so fucking scared. Why are we scared to make people laugh anymore? Because people's feelings got hurt? Fuck I don't even think of those woke pussies. I don't. I don't I don't have time to think of that. As comics, we don't have time to think of that. We have to make our commitment and go for it

and let the pieces fall where they may. And if you're not gonna fucking make these people jump in their seats a little bit, why are you doing it? Just do a podcast and tell whatever you want to say that they want to listen. Talk about Ukrainian war again. But when you start talking about something different and getting a different reaction from them, that's when you'll see the most success in your life from stand up. That's what it was to me. Joey Diaz, ladies and gentlemen.

I love you, brother. Love you, buddy. Love you, brother. Thank you so much, man. Thank you. Sorry about the pissing.