Andrew Schulz's Flagrant with Akaash Singh - Jordan Jensen wants to Smash her Dad, Bad Acid Trips, & God is a Woman?

Episode Date: October 8, 2025

YERRR – this one’s off the rails. The boys go in on hot dads, horse girls, poppers, and stinky balls—yes, really. We got: – Trump, trauma dates & subway pitbulls – Molly, microdosing & addiction to love – Waxing, warlord comedy & stand-up at your dad’s funeral All that and more on this week’s episode of FLAGRANT. INDULGE. 00:00 Intro 1:01 Trump & Kirk's wife 3:07 Jordan's hot dad + "Get it, dad" 9:30 Fatherly feeling + Hot moms 12:12 Stavvy controversy + "Thank you" 18:37 T-word rivalry + Unhinged comments 23:28 Hottest dad + Horse girl 27:22 OCD, Women's validation + "NO" 32:50 Acid is risky + Uppercutting everything 36:31 Jordan's rage, Sociopaths + Dog chiropractors 42:58 Straight edge except poppers 49:19 Thinking of planets + Are you a dumb person? 54:14 Substances, Addictions + UTI/Yeast girls 59:22 Akaash's balls STINK + No pee performances 1:01:37 Simpson's mouth, Micro-dosing + Molly 1:13:00 Neighbors, Handy woman + Union man love 1:17:28 Who would Jordan date? Farming 1:19:09 Worst jobs + Getting fired 1:21:20 No needles over here + Fainting 1:24:38 Tour bus fun 1:30:16 Subway Takes, "I'm not stealing!" Pitbulls 1:39:06 Becoming a mom, Chinese babies + Trauma 1st date 1:44:54 Sober 53x, Consent + Warlord comedy 1:48:15 Dapping up, Hover hand + Addiction to love 1:54:33 God is a man, Harems + Frida Kahlo 2:05:19 Waxing is too much + Being a man 2:07:07 Women should lead 2:08:53 Stand-up at Father's funeral Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Dude, these women will blow anybody, no offense. It makes me respect women less than he's down. Dude, I don't respect women at all. It's a huge problem. He's scared about having a pregnant belly and just... When my friends have a pregnant belly, I'm like, I can't stand near you. I'll do a clean uppercut. Oh, I think about the uppercut all the time. Dude, there was a guy last night walking around my house,

and he just kept opening his fly and showing the tip of his miss. It was almost like he wanted me to be like, it's good. like, it's good. And then I walked up to the super and I was like, there's a guy just showing the tip of his penis everywhere. And the super goes,

that's awesome. And I was like, what? They go, you have to be a lesbian. There's no way you can suck and build a house. And I go, I can do both. It's pretty good. So then I chased after him and I was slamming him with my luggage,

calling him a sociopath. And then I said to everybody, I was like, this guy's a sociopath. I was like, you know what sociopaths do? They kids. And he looked at me like, don't do this. And I went, hey, everybody, this guy, this kid.

Holy! It was crazy I kind of wish that there were reptiles running the government I was thinking about that I wish I still had that back, that belief in the back of my mind

because right now it's just Trump is just a guy You know what I mean It's just a guy on Twitter Who watches Kimmel? I'm like, no I can't have a president

watching Kimmel There's got to be a puppet master But I don't think there is No, he's just a guy Dude, that's depressing Yeah You want to believe it's reptiles At least Biden was controlled

by somebody I mean he was dead She had his dad controlling him, which was nice. Yeah, yeah. We had Henry Kissinger doing some shit, right? But now it's just this guy. Dude, did you see the video of Trump and Kirk's wife? No, I haven't seen the video.

I've seen the still pictures, but I haven't seen the video. They're just spray tans rubbing off on each other. It's a blending of makeup. It's a Sephora mess. It's crazy, dude. Alex McMullen. I did see a close of. Specifically wanted to be here because she's a big fan of yours, so she's sitting in.

Hello? They only let me speak if there's another woman here. That makes sense. No, no, no, two wrongs don't make it right. You have to translate for me because they don't understand what I'm saying. You have to be like, what she's saying is this. I'm also terrible at the computer, so everyone. Yeah, so we're going to struggle a bit.

You're already the wrong image. Oh, no, there we go. Is that what you're looking for? Yeah. Yeah, but they really were squishing the tans together quite a lot. It feels, does it feel sexual? That's what people are implying. I actually don't think that.

I think she's seeking comfort. Is that doing anything for you? Man. Like, am I attracted to it? What I jerk off? this? No. If you take her out of there, I'd probably beat off to it once or twice, but it's not given sexual to me. Yeah, I don't feel like it's sexual. He is the most unnatural hugging person in the entire world. Like, you can tell she's trying to be like, let's show

some level of intimacy and vulnerability. And he's so weird about it. Oh, man. He's like giving her hard taps the whole video, like hard back taps. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That burying in daddy's chest, though, I do, I get what she's doing. I get, I get that feeling. Okay, now this, let's talk about this. So I was watching your stand-up special lesson. It's phenomenal. Everybody check it out. It's on Netflix. Take me with you, watch it. Take me with you.

Yeah, that was a poor plug on my part. Take me with you. It's phenomenal. You talk a lot about wanting to fuck your dad. Yeah. We found a picture of him. I think I have pretty good, pretty good taste in men. I don't know that I would fuck this guy. You found him when he's old. Oh. Do you have a picture of hot dad?

This is a great distinction. Can we pull up the picture? I definitely have hot dad. And if you're okay with it, we would show this on the pod. We don't have to. Let me send you hot dad, though. It's a picture. Please send hot dad because I want to support you in this. I love indulging this idea that you have a hot dad that you would fuck.

It's a very fun idea. But I wouldn't fuck that guy. Even if he's not my dad. You would fuck that guy? You don't like the Golden Bachelor right there? You also don't like white guys. So it's like, uh, you know what? I like white guys, not white girls.

That's right. Yeah, that's my dad, like a month before he died. No, he's still kind of... Yeah. See what I'm saying? Okay, this guy's not bad looking, but... Stick potty tail. Oh, yeah.

Wait, he was dreaded? You can show the group. Oh, hell yeah. He looks skinny, but he was like... That's him with my mind. He just was mean. It doesn't that. Oh, dude, look at this picture.

That's him rugby. I get it. Yeah, he gets it. I get it. Okay. And you're playing rugby, too. All right, get my dad off the screen. I don't want to fucking...

Jesus Christ. Oh, I'm sorry. staring at my dead dad on the screen? No, I don't like that. You're talking about fucking your dead dad. I don't know, look at a picture of him in freaking right where he died. That's his obituary picture. Can we send the hot picture and pull that up?

That photo of your father that we pulled up. If you texted me, I'll text it to Alex because she'll probably stalk the fuck out of you, give her your number. That's very true. That photo of your dad that was pulled up from the obituary looks so much like the dad in a night's tale. A knight's tail? A knight's tail? The Heath Ledger one? Yeah, the Heath Ledger one, like the blind father. Yeah.

That's unbelievable. I thought that was... Wait, can you pull up to that? Yeah. Yeah. What a deep cut of reference. That was an insane poem. Whoa. Type in Dad. Why don't I have more photos of him?

Because he wasn't a great dad, it seems like. Apple needs to review before it sends it. Yeah. That is my dad. That looks, am I crazy? That looks like him? Yeah. Not far.

Not far. Your dad's better look at this. Yeah. Can't you look up like... Jack Jensen, Facebook? There's not one of the rest of it. I feel like there is. I don't want you to see how hot he is, no.

I don't want to see how hot he is. We saw those pictures. He was a piece. No, no, that one's in there. I suck that guy clean. It also doesn't matter, like, if your dad is ripped and angry with you, he's hot.

Also, he was like a horse trainer, and he was a carpenter. Everything he did was hot. Oh, that's true. get angry and yell. Carpenter. Laenwood. Yeah, I get it. Horse trainer. That's sexy. Yeah.

Controlling the beast. Yeah. And he fucked everyone around me. He was having sex with women constantly so I could hear them enjoying it. Yeah. That's a little wild. Fucking your mom around you, that seems like it should be done. My mom fucked around me a lot too. Well, I mean, your dad fucking your mom around you. That feels like a, that's a good thing for a kid to hear, I think.

But it's just worse. When your dad is fucking your mom, you're like, quit fucking my mom. When your dad is fucking a woman, you're like, get it. Get it, dad. Yeah. When he's fucking your mom, you're like, get out of my mother. Yeah, exactly. You want to help your mother.

That's not your dad having sex. I don't think a child is like, yes, yes, yes, yes. I don't think a child is like, get it, dad. You know what I mean? I think an eight-year-old's like, look at my dad, laying pipe. Yeah. Making a stranger squeal. That did come later.

Yeah, yeah. I would just sabotage everything while he was sleeping with these women. I would take their shoes and feed them to my Labrador. And I would try and put super glue on their, like, purses and stuff. Oh, my God. Because I saw Matilda. with the hat. Super glue dries turns out. It just dries

pretty quickly. That never works. Matilda and Danny DeVito, have you seen that? She puts it on the hat and he puts it on. What an insane prank. That is a hilarious. You were just mischievous. I was really mischievous. Well, they were fucking my boyfriend. It was not okay. He was cheating on me. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now, did you ever talk to your dad about the fact that he was, do you ever mention at least in passing? You're a good looking guy. Do you ever like to try to soft play and see? Oh, of course. I mean, growing up, all of our friends wanted to sleep with him. So he knew. Oh. Totally. So I'd be like, Dad, you have to like wear pants when my friends are over

and stuff. Okay. Did he have game? Did you ever see him, like, flirting? Oh, my God. Yeah, totally. He had serious game. And he was, he would get really high all the time, so he would just offer my friend's weed, and then they would get cooked. Oh, my God. And then they would just be, like, giggling. And the hot pair?

That's great. That's a lethal combination. A lot of weed. Did he fuck any of your friends? No, he fucked one of my sister's friends. I just saw the other day. Older sister, younger sister. Yeah, thank God. We were like driving one time and my friend was biking in front of us

and I was like, oh shit, that's now. And he was like, wow, she's really grown up. I remember that so well and being like, Dad, she's not grown up. She's not grown up. Oh, shit. And it was like her ass, you know what I mean? Like she was like driving with a lifted butt.

You know what I mean? And I was like, please, please just say. Oh, yeah, she was like sitting off the scene. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, he fucked everybody. Every waitress. At every diner he fucked And it would be so frustrating

Because they would come over and be like Hi Jack And I'd be like dude Did you fuck this lady Also Yeah he does rule Dude he was awesome Wait would you ask him that for real

Yeah Oh my dog And he would be honest He'd be like yeah I've fucked her Wow He would make me go on dates with her And to tell if a woman was whack or not

He would have women calling We had a rotary phone Because he like Was into old shit And I would hang up on this I would have to hang up on this woman, I'd have to sit by the phone, and every time she called to hang up on her, because she would

obsessively call. It was crazy. You did how to stalker? Strong, dude. Yeah. Yeah, she was so hot. She was super hot. Yeah. But crazy. Crazy. Obsessed with him. She tried to steal my cat. Wait, how? When she moved, he kicked her out and she took my cat in her

car, and I remember him running after her car, being like, wait, wait, wait. And I remember seeing in her face, I remember this so well. I must have been like four or five. And I remember seeing her be like, oh, my God, he's stopping me to, like, take me back. and he just reached into the car, took the cat, and was like, all right, now you can leave. And I was like, yeah, different pussy.

Yes, my boyfriend, strikes for my honor. I was really happy. But yeah, I think women don't talk about it, but I think when you are raised with a not autistic father, which most of people were, I think that, and you are a female and your dad holds you on their chest, I think you get really attached to that feeling.

And then I think that you try and replace that forever. But I don't think people, did you have a hot dad? Did you have a dad? Yes. Did you ever rip that? Strong guy? Did he lift you up? Did he lift you up? He wasn't very affectionate. So it was just like, oh, that's like a guy who lives in my house. Like it wasn't like, like, there were no hugs.

You didn't sleep in his bed at all? Never. I think we've hugged maybe like thrice. Oh, wow. Yeah, that's what I mean by autistic dad. A lot of people have that. Unemotional. I think I think guys do this also. What? Like your kid, you have a daughter? No, I have a son. Okay, great.

No, my son's probably going to want to blow it. What? I'm telling you, if your normal dad is not gay, no, he wasn't a good dad. If he was better, maybe. You say you're going to be such a good dad that he's going to want to. Yeah, suck that thing clean off. Yeah. If you're doing your job, you're going to get sucked off by a baby. Yeah. Yeah. You're doing a good job. He doesn't want to. Yeah. You know what I mean? He wants to replace that pass fire with something. Yeah. With all due respect. There's no respect. He's talking about me fucking my child.

No, I'm not saying You'll fuck your child I'm just saying She's bringing up a good point And if you have a parent You oftentimes want to fuck them And you have a kid So, don't you guys

Want to fuck your moms at all a little? No, I don't think so But I do think guys In their partners Find quality similar to I fuck your mom I never want to fuck my mom But I get why any guy would

Want to fuck I would like, yeah, good for you I think my mom should get great dick I want that for her I care about her I hope that's happening Her and my dad are still together Oh, wow.

That's why he wouldn't fuck his mom. That's why he wouldn't fuck his mom because he doesn't have a good dick. I'd be a disappointment. Then maybe that's done on, maybe subconsciously. You're going to let her down twice. Yeah. He can't do that. He can't do that.

Not a doctor and that's like. She already knows what your dick looks like. We're like, we're not going to fuck. We're never going to fuck. She's seen my dad. But Al's mom hasn't had sex in decades. I can satisfy her. You're, Al's mom.

Yeah, she hasn't fucked in a decade. Really? Yeah. Why? Since my parents got divorced, she just gave up. really is she hot though I would say she's cute she's cute all due respect she got hey hey hey hey I don't know wait how's that crazy we're Puerto Rican she's old school we don't do the gay stuff don't really yeah they don't believe in it

I mean sometimes how old was she when she got divorced uh probably 30 oh young yeah okay because sometimes when you get divorced at like 55 you're like why would I ever go back to I just went through break up and I'm like I don't think I'm ever want to have sex again because that's what you know I mean you're just like I'm sorry you've been pretty up and down with this guy. I heard you talking about it. Let's shut your mouth. Where did you get me?

You talking about that? Stoprospot. Fucking A. That was right. That was the day after the breakup. I'm going there so hot. I'm so mad at all women. I fucking drop a slur.

And it goes online. Everybody's freaking out. And I was like, you didn't know how sad I was. Yeah, we just, we broke. Yeah, but also I get, when you are, you're like a, you're very strong premises. You just got to let, I just got to let you play and you'll land the plane. I felt like you didn't get to land the plane. But you have these really premises that sound insane.

But if I just let you go, it's going to be a fine thing. I know. I know where she's going. I know. I know. You say whatever you want to say, we'll let you land the plane. I promise. That's great.

Because I'm not going down that road again. I'm not fucking doing that. I had no idea. I mean, I had no idea. It's like Gillis with the SNL thing. I didn't know if you were quoting. I knew only with the N-word, but I didn't know if you were saying this is a bad person who said this bad word. I didn't know you couldn't say the bad word.

I knew I couldn't be like, you are... You know what I mean? But I thought I could be like, they called me a... Yeah. Right? That's what I think. If you're getting... For some reason, we're all fine with that.

It's my favorite word. Yeah, I know. If I was black, I'd use the N-word non-state. It'd be like a problem. I know. I've said this to Alex. I'm like an N-word Somali. Like, I know a good...

Once on a black person says the N-word really well, I'm like, that was fucking... Yeah, that's... Yeah, that's... Yeah, a 98. I mean... I was not that good at it, to be honest with you. He's just fine.

Not around non-black. He's got like a white Zinfandel, N-word. Like, he's fine, dude. He's very generic. I did have a really good one the other day alone in the car. Like a person or just the word? I'll tell you. I'm asking.

I'm trying to clarify. I'm trying to make sure she's not getting in trouble again. I'm asking. What? What was it? It was, wait, I need a word to say that sounds like chicken. No, no, no. I don't know why I came in my mind. Chicken's good. Okay. Is it? Basically, this guy was pumping my gas. Let's not do chicken. Let's not be chicken. I'm saving you right now. Let's not do chicken. Let's not do chicken. Let's not do chicken. Ninja is great. No, no, no. T-shirt. Let's do T-shirt.

No, ninja's great. Okay. Because it needs to sound right. Anyway, basically, this guy was pumping my gas and he was this little tiny Mexican guy and he got done and he stuck his head in the window and he went he went you know thank you and then he went oh no he goes thank you and I rolled up the window and I went ninja says thank you and I like I will say that my friend was in the car and we probably laughed for like a good hour ninja said thank you oh okay um sometimes you have to I don't know how to You know, when you're in a vacuum, no, no malice, no victim. What about a soft A when I'm alone with my dog?

Soft A. Oh, alone, do your thing. Okay, great. Do you think. Because sometimes, you know, when she's being good, she's my little ninja. Yeah. Yeah. You know.

Do you think? When you're low, do you think? Right? Yeah. Because you got to, there has to be some. We can't just be like, that's belated from your vocabulary. That doesn't work. That's like when you're like,

it's too intrusive thoughty. You know, it must be some outlet. It's bullshit. If you like rap music, I know you sing along to the lyrics. I know he sings along to it. I know Miles loves to sing along to it.

This guy. I actually don't, but I had a black guy tell me when I was 14 friend of mine. He was like, don't ever do that. You can't knew your thoughts. Yeah, thought.

I think it. But who doesn't think it? You listen to a song. If you don't know the lyrics, you're a fucking white boy. I mean, that's some white shit tonight. You're going to pause on it when you're alone?

Yeah. No. That's crazy. That's almost more racist. I'm fine. I'm not going to say that word. I'm fine being racist. I'm okay with that.

Okay. Yeah. The generational triumph tour of 2026. We are in theaters. This shit is crazy. First of all, before I get to that, 2025, we got shows you need to buy tickets for because they're already selling out. We got San Jose.

We've already sold out two shows October 24th, 25th, something like that. If you look at the website, that shit is selling out. Cubs theater. in San Francisco tickets are already selling out in late November. We got the Comedy Connection in Providence, Rhode Island, this week, October 16th. That's about to sell out. So buy your tickets for this year. But generational triumph tour.

First of all, Canada, thank you so much. We sold out three shows already in the first day in Toronto. That's 3,300 tickets. Vancouver, we sold 1,500 tickets in the first day. I just expected more love. I'm not even calling out of every American city. Dallas, my hometown. Step it the fuck up.

We're going to sell it out. But I was trying to do two, three, four shows because it's Dallas. It's where I love. We're going to sell out one, maybe two. What is that? Step, put your foot on a fucking gas, Dallas. I know there's a lot of Indians and we wait to do everything that's not academic. But buy your fucking tickets for the generational triumph tour.

Every other city, I'm very happy with you guys. Dallas, I'm deeply disappointed in Dallas. That was a nice sentence. Three Ds right there. Anyway, go to Akash Singh.com for all of those dates. I'm coming to a city near you. Best show I've ever done. I'm very excited.

Thank you to everybody who has bought tickets. If you want tickets, you're on the fence. I promise this will be the best, one of the best shows you've ever gone through. That's the goal. I love you guys. Thank you. Mark Gagnon got shows, too.

If you can't go to my show, go to Mark's show. If you go to either show, go to my shows. But I don't think we're going to be in the same city anyway, anytime. Because Mark is in National Tennessee, October 23rd, Mobile, Alabama, rolled tight, October 24th. October 25th, New Orleans, Louisiana. Listen, I told Mark that New Orleans is an incredible city, but a dog shit comedy scene.

Prove me wrong. Go to the shows. Everybody says it sucks. Prove us wrong. November 9th, Denver, Colorado. Y'all are the best comedy city in the country. I'm not even trying to hate. Go to that show.

November 16th, Hoboken, New Jersey, November 23rd. Philly. December 5th, Fort Wayne, Indiana, December 6th, Detroit, Michigan. Mark Gagnon Live.com. Go see the boy. He's blossoming. It's beautiful. We love him.

We love y'all. God bless. When you support Movember, you're not just fundraising. You're showing up for the men you love. Your dad, your brother, your partner, your friends. It isn't just a men's issue. It's a human one. That's why Movember exists to change the face of men's health. From mental health and suicide prevention to prostate and testicular cancer research and early detection, Movember is tackling the biggest health issues facing men today. Join the movement and donate now

at Movember.com. How do you feel about the T-R-A-N-N-Y word being as bad as the N-word? now. It's not as bad at the other word. You're not all that saying. Interesting. Didn't you, weren't it good that black people had the only word that had been completely deleted from the vocabulary? It's the least we could do for that. Yeah, but I feel like Trump kind of brought back

the TR word and. No, apparently not. I think there's like, I think those are back. I think the far left is trying to fight for it again to like, because they feel like it's, you know, they need to fight for something. No. No, you can't the TRA and the word, not good.

as bad now as the N-word. I didn't get the memo. It's exciting. It updates every once in a lot. Let me tell you something. We say whatever, say it, we don't care. I'm not saying it. There's one word that we don't say it up.

This guy self-mutes himself while he's alone and he's telling you to say it. I'd say tranny. Whoa. I'm offended, bro. Ocosh is canceled. You're going to get dragged, dude. Y'all weren't ever subscribed to me in the first place. We can say something kind of derogat.

about them? Huh. Okay, yeah. I just want to be, you know, I want to be on this, I want to be even, me and you. I didn't say something derogatory.

I just said that when I think of that word, I think of drag queens, and then people thought that I was basically saying that trans people are in drag. Please don't clip that part off of me saying that. God. No, dude, I got you. I got your back.

Explain it. We got you. I said that that word is so antiquated that when people say it, I think of drag queens, right? Because it's like such a 1970s terminology. Yeah. And then they clipped it.

You're making fun of people who use the word. Right. You're actually on the right side here. Goofy. Yeah. It's the corny. Yeah. The internet, it's just every human being is on there and not every human being is

intelligent. Yeah, it's tough to remember that, but that's the thing. The best one, because when, I don't, as a woman when you're looking through hate, when you're getting attacked, you know, because they're like stupid, ugly, dumb, not funny, blah, blah, you're reading all those things. You're just looking for the word fat. and one of my best friends sends me a snippet that's like I think you would like to see this because it's me in Stavros

and it goes this is just a fat retard talking to a skinny retard and I was like oh my god I was like I'm setting this is my background that's all you're looking for you're just like please don't go like fat please don't know like fat yeah yeah yeah crazy right yeah yeah yeah we've been through that we did an episode of oh gosh god

oh god they call me fat it was so funny it was so funny I remember being, I remember waking up and being like, why my face looks so puffy. I don't know what that is. And then I was like, I must be in my head. This is not real. And then I did the episode, go home. Three days later, it comes out.

Everybody's like, what the fuck happened to this guy? What did it happen? I don't know. Somehow it's just, maybe I ate some salt or something. Yeah. MSG food or something. Who knows? The best comment was, did Akash eat Andrew?

Someone was like, you know, the worst one was somebody's, like, I don't know why you guys are being so hard on him. So what he gained a little weight. And I was like, that one aren't the fuck. That's the worst one. Because they're defending you and they agree. That is worse. Totally. Oh, that's brutal. I'm skimming the whole time for it. Every time if I don't get it,

I'm like, this is so nice. This is, I'm going places. It's really, really good. It is funny. I didn't realize how much worse the hate comments were for women until my wife got on TikTok and it's just crazy this shit people are saying. It's unhinged. Yeah. I thought it was unhinged for

everybody and it was like no that's real and then you get the switch you get them doing all these hate comments and then i've had ones where got people saying so such inflammatory shit to me so i dm them and i'm like hey what's what did i do to like make you despise me and then they're like i want to have sex with you i want to fuck out really i'm not doing that and they go whore fat whore i'm like wait what skinny whore please yeah it's crazy it's crazy oh wow yeah it probably is just all rude in that just being like i want you and then they just are so mean dude everybody Online does this thing if they are attracted to me where they'll be like for some fucked up reason

I can't figure out why I'm attracted to Jordan. It's like unbelievable how often that happens. Or they'll be like dude I was hitting the head when I was eight and for some reason I want to fuck toward it. I'm like what is going on? It's unbelievable. Oh my God.

That's so funny. I saw one guy well this was the most painful one. He was like I know that I know that you do this whole thing where you try to look unattractive but I know you're secretly an attractive person. And I was like, I put makeup on every day. I'm trying my absolute hardest.

All right. I didn't get your picture of your hot dad. Okay. I don't know if you sent it, but I'm going to put my phone back on. I'll put it about my screen. I need to find the hot dad. Oh, you want it on my phone? Background.

Can I search my phone? I would never replace Happy. That goes in the secret files. Put it on my Google Chrome private. Oh, my God. I found a hot one. Oh, yeah This is his carpenter days

Carpenter days Oh, yeah Yeah, yeah How long was he horse I think he rubbeds Which is hotter personally He was a horse He just like broke thoroughbreds

We had no money So he let people Yeah he did Yeah You mean So he let people Just board the God damn it

So he let people board The horses At our house And then he would break them By just you know Did you ever ride horses Showing him His cock

I rode western You were How long did you have a horse for. We had to sell my horse. Probably until I was 12. Damn. Would you consider yourself a horse girl? I was a horse girl. Recently, I got on a horse, but Ian was on another horse, and I was really scared to be on the horse because his horse was behind my horse, and Ian's mentally challenged. And I was really worried that the horse was going to, so I was like,

maybe I'm not a horse girl, but I might be a horse girl if Ian's not on a horse behind my horse. But I got, recently, I've been like, I'm a little, I'm a little afraid of, they're a little, I'm a little scared of them. They're huge. And now I have so many From being a kid I was like this is so fun But as an adult I'm like now I know so many stories

People just falling off And being paralyzed forever And then just getting trampled By a massive cow You know Yeah Yeah First time I went on a horse

I made that mistake I was like Oh I see it in all the movies So I just go Yeah And the shit just fucking I mean I didn't think

I thought it was a trained horse And it wouldn't be like It is trained That's why I ran Yeah Yeah That's actually The best counterpoint

I've heard in weeks I just said I did the stupidest thing. I acknowledged that. But yeah, that was, I almost done. Did you fall off? No, no, no, I stayed off. Miles, you in this group?

Yeah. Also, yeah. With hot Jack Jensen? They'll just run into trees. They don't care about human beings. They'll just run into trees to get you off their back. They'll buck off. It's like, it sucks.

But it is, but I would consider myself a horse girl in the sense that when I'm around horses, I do the whole, like, we have a spiritual connection. Yeah. Which makes you a horse girl. Yeah. Do you know the horse girl's stereotype? Yeah, I don't know. Oh, this is a thing.

Oh, I love educating you all about this. I love learning about subsections of white women. I only know the evil ones. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah, there's a ton. And the horse girl is one of the more interesting ones to me. I knew many horse girls growing up.

And they always had sort of like a spiritual sexuality to them. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hors, they're literal whores. They're horses. Wait, they dress like them? No, no, no, this is a fetish. A horse girl, like, stereotypically, I've found to be very sexual. They're so sexual because their Hyman breaks young.

Is that why? Hyman snaps in half on the horse when they're fucking 10 years old and they bounce, right? And then they get a little fucking... I don't know if this is real. It is real. They get a little tattoo of their horse

that says like dynamo on a tramp stamp, right? And then they fuck everybody. There's something about them getting their vagina slammed over and over by the saddle that makes them very horny. And they're mean. They bully each other. Yeah.

And they're like kind of, they almost have like a masculine nature to them. It started off as like kind of a hot thing. and then it just got worse and worse. It's kind of, like, it just feels aggressive. There's a little bit of Christianity in there, too. So, yeah, I think they're sokers. I think they're letting the dick in, but not having to go.

But, you know, that too. Yeah. And I think if you grew up with horses, you're either super rich, and we don't know about those, but there's also a trashy group. You know what I mean? And I think the trashy group has God and sex. You said you're a horse girl. Yeah, I would consider myself.

How much you're going to apply to you? Trashy. Okay. No religion. though so just whore oh just solid war through and through not no soaking fucking at 14 you know what I mean just be like Get in there. Get the fuck in there. There's no hymen.

The way is cleared. And you said, so the OCD, you have OCD. I have crippling OCD. I mean, I've dealt with it through a lot of acid, but. Oh, that helps. Because my wife has OCD as well. I think it manifests differently than yours probably. Just like the thought, repetitive thoughts, like intrusive thoughts.

Yeah, I think, and then intrusive thoughts. Like, what if this person that I love dies? What if I think about them more and that's what's going to make them die, et cetera, et cetera, like shit like that. Oh, yeah. That's a rough one. Yeah, that's straight up OCD. I have that.

Yeah, okay. That's simplified. Yeah. Does she have gruesome thoughts? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Grusome thoughts, can't stop it. And then she's like, she's like, I don't have it about you for some reason, but I have it about, like, other people I love.

And I'm like, well, that's weird. Come on. Yeah, yeah, yeah, why are you leaving me out of this? Think about me getting stabbed. Yeah, I'm saying. She doesn't have any gruesome thoughts about you? No. Oh, she does not love you, sir.

That's really, all my gruesome thoughts are about, Maybe she, are you the more, are you more in on the relationship than she is? What do you mean? Am I more in love with her? Yeah. No, I think so. Okay, so then that's what it is. Because I have that with guys that are a little bit out on me.

I'll be like, I don't have to, if you die, then maybe my life will be better, kind of, you know what I mean? Like a little bit? Maybe I'll be free. Yeah. But I have it with people that, like, depend on me. I'm like, what if I slice their throat because they depend on me and they need me and they love me? Oh, she depends on me more than I depend on. right that's what i mean i think we probably i might love her more but she definitely misses me more like

when i'm on the road she's like i miss you and i'm like i'll do she's like do you miss me and i'm like i would love if you gave me the chance to fucking do that one yeah yeah totally that's what we do is we miss you you know we're lying do you know that we don't miss you we say we miss you oh yeah we're not well this makes me feel much so i love that i love that when we say i miss you all that means is i want you to tell me that you miss me we do not miss you we just want validation Oh, that's such a relief. Fascinating. Wait a minute. Wait, you're posting on it 100%.

It's actually so disturbing that you guys that you think we can go 24 hours and then miss you. We literally want to be like, are you fucking somebody right now? Please tell me that you miss me. That's all we're asking. Are you cheating on me? And can you give me validation so that I know that you're not? We don't miss you.

Why wouldn't we miss you? We're busy. We have our whole lives. If you don't miss us, we don't miss you. There is like a connection between couples. I believe this very strongly. You know, a little more emo and shit. Huh?

You're a little more emo. So I would think... No. We just are worried that you're... We're just are more... I don't think my wife has that fear with me. I've said this before. I would never cheat on you because I love you.

And also my dig game is trash and it would embarrass both of us. Yeah, but just because you say that, the road is a scary place. We have to get some... We have to get the letter home. Yeah, I get it. But like, there's not that many Miami's Fort Lauderdale. It's more like you fucking, you know, Lincoln, Nebraska or whatever. Dude, these women will blow anybody, no.

I don't have a fucking host opening for me, bombing every show. And he's like, I just got a head in the bathroom from one of your fans. What is going up? It makes me respect women, Lessa. You'll fuck the guy. I don't respect women at all. It's a huge problem. No, it's a huge issue.

Also, the way women come after me, a show, a guy will come up to me and be like, do you want to fuck? And I'm like, no. And they're like, great. A woman will come up to me and try and climb into my skin sack. and get on me like fucking Yoda and be like, we're going to go out together. And you can't know for an answer. It drives me crazy.

That was my plan for after this pod. Yeah, see? She was going to run me. Yeah. She's a huge fan. And it felt a little sexual. Do you have a boyfriend? I have a few.

But she's gay. Oh, you're gay. In a way. You're bisexual? No. I can tell you're gay by the way you refuse to put that microphone close to your fucking fucking mouth. You're a guy.

Yeah. What kind? You know, just... Like, Polly? Give me a goddamn label so that I can diagnose you. No, I don't like the label. That's the... Okay.

Just free of it. How old are you? That's the lady. Oh, you're 25. Go fuck yourself. You don't know anything. You're 25 years old. Another one of our younger friends of the show, he recently was bragging to us that he was like,

oh, I just did something awesome. High five and a million angels. I ate this girl out while she had a yeast infection. And he wanted us all to like congratulate him. I just wanted to get your real. That's very dangerous for his... He can get yeast infection in his mouth. Is that true?

Really? Yeah. Babies get yeast infection in their mouths from breastfeeding yeast infection. Yeah, totally. That's disgusting. I was picking death penalty, but I just wanted to be disgusting behavior, right? That man needs to be, yeah, taken out. Yeah.

That woman needs to be taken out for allowing that. We all know you do the forehead pound if there's any, you go, no! You go, no! You hit them right on the forehead. Roll the newspaper, yeah. Or you play, you do the pick me thing where you go, I don't, I'm not really not into that. I just like penetrative sex. You know what I mean?

Or you get something like that. You lie. Someone says that? No, that's what you do. If you have a yeast infection, you lie. You go, I'm not really into you. Just to get the itch from the inside. Oh, I see.

I've heard it said. It feels actually good. You don't think penetrative sex on a yeast infection? No, totally fine. I have a whole bit about that in the special where they're like, you're so tight. And you go, thanks. It's inflammation. No, you cram it in there, dude.

Oh, it helps. Bram it in there. I stopped getting yeast infections because I stopped eating sugar. Well, that worked. I don't know you're talking about that, and so it's working out. That's amazing. Wait, so my vagina feels normal. No sugar fixed the use infections.

You said acid fixed OCD. She write like a handbook on my slip acid in that way. But the acid is risky because I also almost killed myself. You know what I mean? It was a hero dose and I went into a room and was like, I'm going, I thought that I had to die that day for some reason, like my, because I was on the cover of some newspaper for building a house in Ecuador. So I was like, oh, I'm supposed to die.

die today, but then I went into the room and I dealt with OCD for six hours. So it is, I think... Were you acting in the cover of a newspaper? It was just like, I built a house in Ecuador when I was like in high school and the it's a good journal, put it up on the... You know what I mean? But I saw it

and I was like, oh, I'm supposed to die today. What, was that an OCD though? It was an acid thought. That sounds like an acid thought. Big time acid thought. But then I went into a room and I dealt with my OCD. And I figured out that I was like, because anytime somebody would be like, do you want to babysit this kid? And I'd be like, yeah, what if I accidentally fuck your kid, though? I'd be

driving a car. I'd be like, I'm going to drive this off the bridge, right? Just these gruesome thoughts. And then I figured out it's fundamentally because I didn't trust myself at all as a person. And I was like every step of the way I could become Jordan the serial killer, Jordan the kid fucker, Jordan. You know, I have a, we had a balcony in Miami. Anytime I'd I'd hold my little dog on the balcony, I'd be like, what if I threw this, like, would you panic a little? Yeah, yeah, I couldn't handle it. We'd keep going. I'd be like, and then I guess that, yeah, I probably don't trust myself. So then, so, and I realize on acid that you don't have to trust yourself, you're just a compilation of everything that has ever happened to you.

and who you have become is somebody who doesn't throw a dog off the balcony. So you can just chill. That's fire. You know what I mean? I like that. You don't have to be like,

what if I stab this person? You're like, if I, probably if the knife got close to them, I would faint because I'd be like, you know what I mean? Like you don't.

Vasovadol or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally. I got that bad. Yeah. I faint like a damn goat. Yeah, yes. Okay, that's my special tomb.

It's fucked up. But that's what I realize on acid. You can just chill. You know what I mean? Like, you know, before you go on stage, you're like, what if I bomb? You're like, I'm, everything leading up to now has led me not to bomb, right? Like, I have a compilation of Jordan Times going on stage.

I probably won't bomb. And if I do, it'll be an outlier. Yeah, totally. Yeah. Ever since having a kid, I've had those bad. Oh, dude, that's what I'd be really scared about having a kid. I'd be scared about having a pregnant belly and just fuck. Oh, yeah.

Oh, shit. Oh, my God, it's right there. Oh, when my friends have a pregnant belly, I'm like, I can't stand near you. I'll do a clean uppercut Oh, I think about the uppercut all the time But sometimes I do Mike Tyson's punch out Dude, I uppercut a fucking guy's mirror

The other day he was like We were all crossing in Manhattan like a big crew You know in Manhattan where you just go Fuck it, we're all going Yeah, like I know they have a green light But fuck them, there's too many of us And we were all crossing And this guy just kept rolling forward

Until he kind of like hit his car against me lately And was just pushing So I walked around the side of his window and I looked at him and I was like what the fuck and he was like fuck you so then I uppercut his side mirror and I was so ready for it to like shatter and be like a spider man thing and have like a bloody hand that I then go like this right I was like ready for it but then the mirror just went oh you got one of those that's good that's good it's good for New York to be able to fold your mirror then any car post-192 I know I know all my cars are hammered down

hammered down. I don't know, but then it was too late. What did he say? Did he just kind of look at you? He was laughing. He laughed. Did it break the tension in a weird way? No, because I was still so mad, but then I kept walking.

I got embarrassed when I sat down to breathe and this old couple were like, are you okay? And I was like, yeah, that was so embarrassing. I shouldn't have done that. And they were like, no, we're on your side. And they were like 100 years old. I was like, dang. I get in so many altercations.

It's so bad. I have to deal with my rage. Wait, really? Like what? Oh, my gosh. I want to know this. Do you like road rage or just rage rage rage? So much road rage.

I just went to L.A. I had a lot of road rage because they have road rage worse than us. They lay on the horn. And it's these fucking white girls with Stanley Cups. And you're like, in New York, we have a conversation with horns. If you lay on your horn, you might get shot. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Like I've laid on my horn and gotten a luggy spit on me. And you learn. And you go. Right, exactly. But in L.A., they just, and I was driving stick. And I was like, bro, I have to put it in the first. You have to give me two seconds. So I would just sit at the red light.

I would just sit there and wait for it to turn red again and go through the green with them just Wow I asked the guys you want to go outside You got to chill out now like that you can't do that now let It's crazy I tried to get a guy to fight me outside Because he was talking some shit

Wait how did that happen Me and my friend were at some You see how people think you're a lesbian right You talk these through I know As you're like I tried to get a guy to fight me I uppercut it aside you mirror I want to fight all the time

It's really true I forget what this guy was saying He was mad at me Because my dog was in a place It wasn't supposed to be And he was like He mumbled something He was like drinking this beer

And he mumbled like Stupid bitch Or something like that And I was like what did you just say And he was like what What? And he was all drunk He was like what? And I get mad when people do

The mocking thing Where they're like What do you do? And I was like we need to go outside Right now And he's like I'm not going outside I was like Jordan What are you gonna do

What is this man is huge I'm gonna have to fight him. I'm five foot four. Like, what are we, what are we doing here? But yeah, I do try and, or a guy at the airport. I slammed him with my luggage and then I, because he hit my dog. It's a lot about my dog. No, no, dog. Yo, fuck that guy. How did he hit your dog? He was like trying to go around me and he was doing that thing. You know when people think they're the protagonist in their movie? Yeah. And he was in a hurry. And he was being like, everybody out of my way. I'm in a hurry. Right. And he goes, excuse me. And I was like, fuck this guy. He can go around me. This is

crazy. There's so much room. So he goes, I said, excuse me. And he hits Coyote. with his luggage. So then I chased after him and I was slamming him with my luggage, calling him a sociopath. And then I said to everybody, I was like, this guy's a sociopath. I was like, you know what sociopaths do? They fuck kids. And he looked to me like, don't do this. And I went, hey, everybody, this guy fuck him. Holy shit.

The moment of him looking in my face and being like, why are he doing this? He's saying, don't do this. It was crazy. His cab driver getting out of the cab, because he was trying to get in the cab while I was slamming him. His cab driver had to come out, grab me, and be like stop and I was like okay you need to stop this and I was like

it's my fuck skin you I was so mad I was so mad I get so mad it's crazy was he apologetic that he hit the dog no no that guy should be shot in the fucking head I know I'm like just run into my body it's crazy

yeah yeah yeah but you're dog is little how many pounds 18 I ain't not big that's tiny mine is eight so it's like oh yeah mine is a little little like Wow. Your dog's almost too small to be, like, on the ground. Doug, he almost gets stepped on, and he wants to walk in all the most crowded.

Like, he'll walk to fucking Radio City in Christmas time. It's crazy. He loves all the smells, I guess. Wow. He almost got, he got stepped on once, I think. Like, some people were just walking, didn't see him. Oh, yeah. So now we just had to pick him up in a crowd.

He can't. He wants to walk. Yeah. Nice. I want to, my coyote's not a bag dog. Dude. Too heavy. She can be a back-to-back dog.

I might get a backpack for her. I saw a dog in a backpack the other day with little sunglasses is on. Yeah. What are we doing? That's just a cigarette. Why do they do that? Because it's adorable? Is it just because it's adorable?

They don't need sunglasses. I saw a dog on a bike with a helmet. And I was like, I don't think the dog. I'm worried about your dog getting a concussion. That's awesome. That's awesome. Is that animal chiropractor guy pisses me off? I'm like, all dogs do is stretch and sit correctly all day.

That sounds fucked. I don't even know what that is, but that guy sounds awful. You haven't seen that guy? Jamie, pull it up. I mean, I watch him a lot. I'll say it. It is very satisfying. I don't believe in human chiroprone.

Yeah. I think that shit is, what do you call it, Balderdash? It's quackery. It's quackery. Snake oil. Yeah, it keeps you coming back. Yeah, I went to a chiropriter for a while and it did nothing. I know I'm a single person who felt better long term from a chiropractor. Yeah, maybe it helps some people, but not me. The guy didn't even really crack my neck. I wanted to like get my, like, an elbow in there, like come off the turnbuckle. But instead, he just like had like a little gun thing that went like and like clicked it into my neck. See, that's bullshit. Because that's giving you the same thing. simulated crack that you want without actually cracking. Oh, that's... That's the shit. Yeah. Yeah. At least do a... Something, right?

Have you seen it? The dog cracker is so hot, though. The guys... That guy... Yeah. The guys with towels that are, like, cracking your neck. That's... That's the towel thing, where they yank? You're going to kill someone. Yeah, that looks good. Oh, there's a kid that got paralyzed from going to a carpenter where you sued the guy. Oh, I saw the story on TikTok. Yeah. Which, I mean, I'm also...

Oh, my God. I do like the dog. He's face after, though. Oh, ha! Oh! Oh. I know. What if you just had a lint dog in your...

Dude, not the chihuahua. Not the fucking chihuahua. I don't want to see one where he just pulls the head off. And he's like, oh, fuck. There's a guy that does it with horses, too. Horse chirofactor. It's him. It's him.

It's Jordan's dad. It's my dad. This guy does it on everything. He does it on snakes. Giant anaconda is, I'm like, no way as a snake having bad, you know, arch support. Yeah. It doesn't happen. Also, who cares?

Yeah. I don't like when an animal can't be like, hey, please, I'm not really into this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't like that. Yeah. I don't like when people blow weed on their dog's face. I don't like anything. Yeah.

Yeah. I hated that in college. Wasn't that the worst? And then, dude, my dog got so high in Colorado because she ate a roach. And I had to watch her go through. all like at first her her ears were back and she just like couldn't even look at me like I was freaking her my face would figure out and then I watched her be like actually actually I'm fine and she would get up and then I would be like all right and she'd throw the ball bitch please and I threw the ball and it would hit like it accidentally hit like a little piece of metal and made a noise and she was just like vahawk that and ran away for like an hour I'm not good I'm not good do you feel like your dog knows when you're eye I don't get eye oh really you don't smoke at all I don't smoke I don't drink what did I do the other day though Poppers Nice

Have you on poppers Those are great That's what I was a gay game right It is a gay band It gave me to me But we were at a wedding And I was just being such a What does it do?

It makes you on So I feel like Whippets make you like this Where you're like You're like that But poppers make you a little bit On Molly for a second Okay

Like it was dancing Okay Well I got like sniff it out of a jar Yeah It seems wild But then I dropped the cap And I got lost You know what I mean?

I was lost And then my friend was like You can't be this person And I was like Yeah Gondi I couldn't get it The grass was crazy

But I guess if gay dudes do it It's probably good Like I trust any gay drugs No it fucks your brain Really? I think it also opens your asshole Yeah It listens your muscle

So I just looked at it That's what I thought Yeah Some gay shit Yeah Maybe that's why it makes you dance Because you're like I'm getting sex later

I did do poppers Then remember That I had a dog And started to panic A little bit You ever do drugs And you remember irresponsible. You could take care or something? Yeah. Do you do that

with your child? Do you smoke weed? No. These guys have been trying to get me to do drugs nonstop and I'm like... You never supposed to do? No. I do... No. I did... I like smoked weed casually for a little bit, but then I got too paranoid so I had to stop. What kind of paranoid? What breed? Heart gonna stop? No, thinking about planets and then realizing the we're all monkeys and the I'm a monkey and everyone's... That's a good thought.

Yeah, but it's just weird. That's a crazy thing to say. That's a crazy thing to say. Al right next to you, that felt racist. Wait, why? That felt racist. Wait, you were begging it. That felt racist. Wait, explain it. I didn't get it. Yeah, we got it. You knew what you were doing.

You knew what you were doing. But, like, I was just laying there so high. My wife was like, no, you're fine. And I was looking at her. Why are you just thinking about planets and shit? And I was just like, why are they even other planets? This is fucking crazy. It's best not to think about space.

Yeah, and I was watching. What? It's just a bad thing. That was so funny. It's best not to think about space. It's the own drugs. Yeah, it's just not for the, not for you then. I don't think about that at all.

I think about what if I bit through my tongue right now. And then I think, what if I took my eyelid and just dug my hand in there and just dug my hand in there, grabbed the eyeball, pour it out, and then when it was just the cord went, yeah, that's what I think about high. And people are like, you want to smoke my friend? I'm like, no. I'd like to keep my skin. Thank you. Yeah. All right, guys, let's take a break for a second.

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Let's get back to the actual show now. All right, guys. Let's take a break for a second. Different outfits. Game changing. Your penis is yours. But did you know you could have more of it? Sometimes you look at your penis and you think that that's how big it is. No, it's not that way. You know? Also, you get older. You get 40 years old. Those boners ain't really what they used to. Kind of looks like Gonzo. nose dips down at the bottom a blue chew's got your back it's going to give you nice rock hard boners

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Like, what if we just get exploded? Like, we could just evisry at any second. Oh, we thought we're going to get exploded. Like, it's something. And then I was like, we're not even on this planet. like, as humans, we're actually just like, like, my wife's like petting my head. I'm like, oh, you're just like the nature show.

This is literally just, you're like an orangutan. Isn't that refreshing? This is from weed? Yeah. You're such a bitch. It's unbelievable. What a bitch this guy is. What kind of, how did you do it, edible?

No, it wasn't even. It was just a joint. But my friends, my friends weed is just too strong. Yeah. I know. I miss the dad weed. I used to steal shake for my dad and it was the best.

Yeah. Like dirt weed. How can we get that? My buddy, I had a Jamaican friend. I was like, how do Jamaican smoke all day? He was like, oh, the weed we smoke is shitty. Oh, my God. I remember being in Jamaica, my dad buying so much weed and just rolling it up into a paper bag

because it was so shitty shake that he was like, I have to do this in order to get high. Yeah. That's what I want. We need to get Jamaican wheat. That's what I'm saying. And now they're selling it. Like, people are swung back. The pendulum's shifted.

Now they sell like legit reggie. Like, they just call it reggie. Like, yeah, this is not too strong. Oh, I can do that. Right? I can't do that. That's fine. That, let's do. It's gotten too much. Can we get some right now? Yeah, where do you get that?

I would just go to the dispenser you and get the good stuff. No, no, no, no, no, no. You're a weed girl? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Could you smoke weed before coming in here? I try not to because I laugh a lot and they can tell. It's more for professionals. What's that mean? Are you a dumb person?

When I'm high? No, like, I mean, like, if we did like, like, like, honestly. That's a good question. I know. Like, if you can just get fucked up on weed and just come in and talk to people, does that mean you're just stupid? Yes. Because you're not overthinking.

Don't say chill. I'm being scientific right now. Sure. You walk in here. Yeah, dumb as shit is the scientific jerk. Like, do you walk in here and you look at people and you're like, whoa, I'm high? And you don't have a fear of like, what if I just fucking took the cables out through everything? What if they, what if my heart stops?

What if I have too much coffee? Well, that's not because you're intelligent. That's because you have OCD. all these things you're scrapped But doesn't that mean But when I dated a guy And he could get so fucking high And I was like I think it's

I mean he did also like take his shirt off To eat soup and stuff So I think he might have been smart Isn't that crazy This guy has been scorned I remember coming in and he was wearing only his boxers And I was like where did your clothes go And he was like I'm eating red soup

And I was like Tomato soup Call it tomato soup But do you think But he can get so high. One time I ate one of his 25 milligram edibles because I thought it was just candy. It was brutal.

That's rough. That's rough. 25 was too much. And what happened to you then? I had to. Well, honestly, I was so high that I almost got stupid which was kind of nice. It was like the runners high. Like you got to get to stupid town. Yeah. So I walked through the park. I remember having a mental breakdown

because I was sitting at a bench and then there was a homeless guy. And I was like, I'm, this guy's houses here. and I'm, like, visiting his house. You know what I mean? It's like his house. And I'm, like, sitting at it, I was on his porch. He didn't follow the wine.

Yeah, it was very weird. And then I was all freaked out that that guy lived there. And he had, like, a mattress. And I was like, I could easily become that guy. But my brain is still going there. But you're just, like, you just walking here. I guess I could become that guy and I wouldn't mind. It's like, that's a future problem.

So she's done. What about if I say the word schizophrenia if you're high? Yes. That freak out? I think. Do anything for you? I'm more apt to just with the voices. Like, I'm just like, okay, yeah, they're telling me to do stuff.

Yeah, see, you're dumb as shit, dude. I love you so much, but I think you might be dumb as shit. You love it. If you're not worried at all about, if I say schizophrenia to a high person, they should literally shut down and faint. Yeah, that's another big fear. Like, I'm afraid that I'm going to, like, be permanently like this or that I'll be stupider into perpetuity.

But, like, I'll come out of this highness and be like, oh, I'm dumber. And then if I forget somebody the next day, it's like, because I smoke. Yeah. Of course. Yeah. When I say schizophrenia on stage, the whole room goes, like, everybody's afraid of that. So then you smoke weed, and it's like, oh, my God, that's the thing. And then you start, you hear the pipes in the house and you're like, that's a guy.

If anything, it's the opposite that I do it every day, that by 9 p.m., I need to get out of that sober. Oh, you're a drug addict. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. Oh, okay, great. You're not a retard. Okay, you're not a retard. My dad was like that. If he stopped smoking weed, the- The voice of the anxiety is the, is the regular.

So you have to be high all the time. It's better. Really? You have to be. It's nice. I'm very jealous of girls that smoke weed. I'm really intimidated by it. Because our life is already so hard and we think so much.

So the idea that you can just be like a cool high girl, I want to kill you. I think that's better than being a girl who's like, oh, I just drink beer. It's just easier. Ew, yeah. Beer girl is gross. But you like stimulants. So you like a little nicotine, a little caffeine. I was addicted to Coke.

Yeah. Had to quit Adderall. This tracks. Yeah. I like Xanax Adderall. Zanex Adderall. I don't do it anymore, but that's what I like. A lot of Coke and then take a big bar of Zan at night.

Oh, what are we doing? What are we doing? A little Klondike bar, a little Klonopin? My God. Wait, so that just cuts it? It's like... Puts it. You go to sleep, wake up.

Do it again. How much Klonopin are you taken? I've taken Klonopin to help me sleep, like a half a milligram or something. Like, they're very low dose. The problem with Klonopin is like when I go to Mexico. You know, you go to Mexico, Tulum or something. You buy Klonapin at the pharmacy. And I would be like, this is just for panic attacks.

But then I just run through it. Every time I'm on a plane and I'm like, I might be panicking. It's the best. It fucking chills you out. But it's too addictive for me. I just am an addict. Yeah.

All right. That's why I had to cut out sugar entirely because I can't stop. Are you miserable? Without sugar? No, the dog. I have a dog. I get outside. I work out.

I can do stand. Yeah, I'm miserable. I can do with the social part there because I've tried to cut out sugar a million different ways and then one friend's like, dude, let's just get ice cream. I'm like, all right. I know the ice cream people are killing me. I got ice cream. Last week, yeah.

There's also. Sometimes you got to give a great food in New York. Great sugar food in New York. I know. I know. I'm starting to introduce like cheat days, but for the most part, you have to just, you just suffer. You know what I do is I don't socialize. I get up.

I go to the park. I work out. I do a podcast. I go to the cellar. And then I leave before everybody sits down. Is this contributed to your breakup? Well, I think this was post-breakup. Oh.

So this is relatively new. The no sugar thing? Yeah. Maybe I started it during the breakup. I can't deal with the small itch in the vagina. If you guys knew what the small it felt like, you don't even have to...

It's so bad. You don't have to have a full yeast infection, but you'll stop eating sugar. If you have a tiny itch that nothing can solve... That the laundry schedule is based on what pants I can wear. Oh, my God. And you have to buy all the cotton underwear. You can't wear a fucking any type of...

How often are women having these years? Oh, my... What does this mean? Constantly. You either are a UTI girl or your yeast girl. UTI girls is dangerous because you can get kidney infections, which does suck. I got a UTI once when I was a roofer, and I was dating a guy who was also a roofer, and he kept fingering me with roofing dust, and that gave me a UTI.

Brutal, because you have to piss every four seconds. Yeah. So that's, like, my best friend's UTI girl, I'm a yeast girl. But you wouldn't just tell them, like, go, wash your hands? We did. I was dirty, too. We were all dirty. You couldn't.

We would come home with just eyes and teeth showing because there was so much dust. Like fucking I'm burning man or something like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, but then, or you're, yeast girl. Yeah, I'm a youth girl. And the yeast girl thing is like, it's all out with me. Flukonazole, like, damn. Oh, Fluconazole, you take it, ruins your macro-bio.

What is that like an apertive? What is that? Fluconazole. Fluconazol is like an antibiotic, but you can't take it so much because then it makes it worse. You know that? Yes. No, I've, I've, fuck it. Maybe I should stop eating sugar. So I went to chat GPT. I was like, bro, you got to help me. I get sick every weekend at meat and greets. And I have a chronic yeast infection. He goes, you got to stop eating sugar. And then I did. And everything got to stop eating sugar. And then I did. And everything got better. Wow. Yeah, it's just like what I'd rather like never bang. I like that you made

Shaggy-a-Tee, man. Infections are never have a crunch bar. Like, both are bad. Yeah, you can't have a crunch bar. Here's what you can do, blueberries. And then once you wipe it out, I had ice cream and I didn't get a use infection. So once you wipe it, you gotta wipe it out. You gotta wipe it out because it's a guy. And I bet you have brain fog all the time from it because it's a You're smoking weed. Yeah. Oh, you can't smoke weed and quit sugar.

How would you do that? Oh, that's tough. It's literally impossible. Yeah, it's hard to balance all that. I think you'll do it. Because I When I was your age, I just fucked through the yeast infection. You know what I mean? I just slammed it and got a fucking raw baboon's ass for a pussy. Have you ever had them call you and be like, hey, I got a yeast infection from you? No. Okay.

Can guys get it like that? Yeah. They don't know. But sometimes they're like, it feels a little bad. And you're just like, right? Not my problem. Well, then you switch it. What I do is I go, did you give me a STD?

Right. And they go, no, no, no. That's what you do. Masterclass. Yeah. Yeah. You're associative. The last thing a man will ever say is I have an yeast infection.

Even if they have one, they'll never say it. So you just be like, I don't know what you have. Who'd you fuck? What does it mean for a guy to get a yeast infection? Like, where does it even? He's gay. He has a fucking vagina instead of a dick and balls. It's unbelievable.

But yeah, you got to wipe it out. Now it's great. Imagine my vagina feels normal. I'm not even thinking about it. Could you imagine? I can't barely imagine. It's great. It gets smaller too.

It's not swollen. Yeah, I have a small vagina now. Is that great? Like it fits in the underwear. It's not. Well, come on. It depends. Sometimes you slip a lab, obviously. But, you know, but yeah, totally.

It really helps information. This is fat. It's like someone's pitching sobriety. What do you guys have? You shit your pants every day. You're disgusting perverts. You have freaking. No, I have a bidet.

And I also go to commando off. I have a bidet. I have a bidet. I have a bad. You haven't installed it. No, I have installed it. I have installed and Miles used it and I don't know how to use it. Miles came over and almost broke my bag.

You guys got a bag. have something. You have sweaty balls. My ball stink. Fucking stink. He's shared that with us and I wish you did. Good God. Why do they stink? I don't know. New York City summer or something. I've just been shitting and I'm like, what is that? Is that

me? I need to take a shower. Your peaches off. My pH is off. I have yeast for balls. Yeah. I have yeastie balls. That's worse. Yeah. Here's just worse. Okay. Here's just worse enough. Sure.

I mean, you guys shard a lot. you get skid marks a lot I have charted in the past five years but once maybe that's good oh I almost started a comedy club dude yeah thank God I'm about to go on stage oh no it was a sharp but didn't get in the boxers thank God and this comedy club

amazingly had baby wipes what a fucking god sent oh wow the guy before me gets the light the feature act I think I'm gonna fart before I go on stage I'm like whoop got to run to the bathroom luckily there's a bathroom not all green rooms have bathrooms yeah and then it was wet the wet wipe was wetter

but my draws are clean And how was the set? That was fine now. If I had to go up there, oh, come on. I'm not sitting on the stool that whole hour. Yeah. You have to stand and pull your shirts down. Do you guys ever find that if you have to pee before you get on stage, you do better?

I have to pee all the time. But especially if I'm nervous, one sip of water I got to pee. So it's just like a thing. Yeah. But recently I've been like, I'm not going to pee before I go up because I always do the anxiety pee before. But I think you do better. If you pee. If you don't pee.

Really? If you hold the pee in. Really? I think it helps because you're a little like, I get a feed grid and it makes you a little more you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm still trying to figure out food or no food before the set. Always no food. Yeah, but sometimes then you're hungry up there. Or light food. Light food. Yeah.

But you want to look smashed. That's what I would do. That's what I would do with the sugar is I need a little sugar and go over. Yeah, you can't do that. No, because then you crash half foot through the set. Yeah, that's tough. I stop eating at like five.

Do you reset the Zen? Oh, yeah, yeah. You reset the Zen on stage? Like moments before. Moments before. Sometimes halfway through, if I get some rough crowdwork. You'll do the whole set with the Zinn. No, but when the feature goes up, pop one in, then right before you go up.

Oh, I keep it up. Oh, really? No, because I'd, like, choke on it and shit. Do you have one in now? Yeah. Oh, impressive. Thanks. Yeah, I couldn't.

Oh, you know. Damn. It's because I have a Simpsons mouth. You can't see it. You're hilarious. It looks like a Simpsons girl. Everybody says it. Let's pull it up.

You do it kind of like the bus driver. Auto? She looks like. Oh, man. Hold on, I'm not... Oh, yeah. In a way. Yeah.

Yeah. A little bit. Maybe he just has a zen in. Yeah, you just got a lift. No, I don't know why, but I will fuck that bus driver. I know. I get it on the bottom. I can't explain it.

I don't really get it. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't happen to me as a kid. I would fuck that bus driver. Or like, people say it look like the girl from Futurama. Oh. That's better. That's better.

Yeah. Right there. I could see that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've also never seen the show, but I feel you guys carry yourself similarly, you know? Yeah, yeah, it's a great show. Lilo rules, so that's a good compliment. Right?

Yeah, that's a great compliment. Damn. But that's my dad. That's what my dad looks like. Wait, but you go Zinn on stage while you're up there. Yeah. And you'll reset it. Oh, yeah, or Sesh.

The better one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a new nicotine brand, though. He's a friend of the show. What do I? Andrew's invested in it. We have to disclose. He has to disclose it.

He has to disclose it. Wait, there's Sesh. SESH is a brand that Andrew is invested And he has to disclose that legally So I'll disclose it on his behalf because he's not here What about the one that Tucker Carlson That now has, Alp? Oh, whoa, we don't bring that up.

Come on, that's a competitor. We don't know about that. It's a direct competitor, dude. What am I sponsored by? Lucy, but not anymore. I fired my ad person. Really? Wait, why?

Because my whole YouTube got taken down Because I did an ad for Schedule 35, which was mushrooms. And then I go online, gone. A whole YouTube. Wow. You got videos with views, too. Every podcast, my 30-minute special, like so much shit, and it was just gone.

And so, yeah. Were you able to get it back? Yeah, yeah, I got it back. But it was crazy. And I even double-checked. I was like, are we allowed to sell mushrooms? And they're like, yeah, totally do it. Wow.

That's crazy. Were they good mushrooms? They were great. I gave them to my mom and my sister because they desperately need them. But yeah, I did them too. They were good. They're not as good. Fungi as my guy.

Yeah, yeah. That he rules. Yeah. I met him at a wedding. and he is exactly what you think. Swaggy, short. He's like you. I know you're not short,

but he's got the blonde, long hair and the, like, he wears, like, pajamas as a suit. Wait, who's this guy? That guy does sound like him. I've never... You know? Right? Right? Like, this crossover between hippie and tech?

Yeah. It's really, yeah, totally. Yeah, like, he saunas and shit and he tries, like, live forever. Yes, yes, yes, yeah. This all tracks. And on his shirt for the suit, it said, fungi.

And I was like, what do you have your own? I've never heard of this guy Fungai mushrooms microdoses are the best ever How often are you microdosing? It depends I love shrooms Me too

I love it Yeah I've never done anything Never drank Never smoked weed Nothing in his life And then is now love shrooms Do you trip hard? Not super

I'll do the chocolates I've done one like on it Oh there it is Right down No no no No no Over the rainbow box The rainbow box

Oh yeah yeah yeah This girl's retarded. Yeah. Over there. This, there we go. That's fun guy. Oh, I've never seen this. The best.

How much he's in one of those? I don't know. Maybe what's a microdose? Local. Is he local? I don't like when they look too delicious. Is it 10? Is that normal?

10 is grams? No, not 10 grams. 10 milligrams? What is it supposed to be? One? Yeah, like a gram. I don't know. I eat half of one to microdose.

Oh. Okay. And you want to just like chill, live your life, do stuff? or do you do that on days where you've got nothing going on? I try not to do shows when I microdose just because I'm a little weird. But when I do do it, they're always good. Yeah.

Yeah. But I microdosed the entire pandemic. Have you hero dosed mushrooms? No, just eight grams? It's like five to eight. I've done three a couple times, fun. And then the other time, the second time I did it, my boy was like, you got to put it in lemon juice and blah, blah, blah,

and then we drank orange juice after it, and I was gone. When people say I'm on another planet, I thought that was just like an expression. And I was like, oh, I literally don't feel like I'm on the same dimension as I was before this. I haven't done a big dose of mushrooms, only acid. And I want to know if they're similar. But since that big acid trip, I've been too scared to do a giant one. So I just microdose everything.

Yeah. But is it more, is mushrooms like, have you done acid? No. I feel like acid is more pixelated, is more like chrismy. Yeah, crinkly. And I feel like mushrooms is more like, you know what I mean? Is it like that?

I don't know. I wish I did. I'm kind of tracking it. Is mushrooms more like roots, roots and spirals? And what did it feel like to macrodose on mushrooms? I felt like I would, at one point, it was like, we went to Mercer Labs, which is like this is a good place in do shrooms. But there's a like a bunch of mirrors.

And I sat down and I looked in the mirror and I saw myself turning like an 80-year-old man. It was crazy. Okay. That's also acid. The aging thing is acid. Okay. Sometimes I'm like, does it just make us ugly? No, but then I was like, oh, this, you're tired.

You need to rest. Look how tired you are. I know. And that was like the crystallizing moment. I was like, you need to do things to try to not be so exhausted all the time. I think that's what it is because I think when you do drugs with your friends, your friends look really ugly and scary and old. And I think it's because we've been doing drugs.

I'm like, oh, I see you as an old woman. And I'm like, dude, we got it. We've been awake at 16 hours. Yeah, totally. But then if people wear makeup, I've done acid and lots of people with makeup and that's weird. because you can like see the makeup too dude i peed my i peed down my leg one time because there was a woman that i was talking to who had lip fillers and crazy work done and my bladder just i literally like in the movies when the little kid pees because i was tripping hard and i just was like so scared

and i just peed what she'd say she didn't notice she didn't notice i ran away her favorite she's giving a shit for sharding every now and again you need yourself that was on drugs It doesn't count. Do you ever go in nature? Are you like a... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, nature every day. Like a nature shroom is like, I think that's the way. It is the way.

It is definitely the way. It's microdosing nature. I'll do that. But then sometimes I, then... If I microdose and I go into nature, sometimes the idea of returning to society is so horrific. Yes. You know what I mean?

So sometimes I have to microdose and be like, you're going to go do your stuff, your city stuff, and be a grown-up. But yeah, obviously it's the best. in nature's I being in nature can make me remember tripping hard you know what I mean oh yeah you just go back into nature and you're like oh yeah I don't need to trip I remember exactly how this feels oh yeah I've done that with music before like we did molly and we went to burning man and we listened to a set and I listen back to the same set and I'm like holy shit I'm like

buzzing wow it just like a little free dose it's just like in your spine you crack it's I miss Molly so much that's the best one but I don't want too much prozac oh yeah so it just nullifies yeah you got like like break it for like three months before you do molly again or something. I don't know it's three months, but it is, is it three months? That's what Chad TBT is told us. Really? Are you on Prozac? No, but I was reading about it. I was like, what should you not do if you're going to do Molly? Because I'm very

skittish with drugs. Anytime I do anything, I always research it. I'm like doing like fucking, I talked to a psychologist before I did Molly, or before I did mushrooms for the first time, just because I was like. And they were like, you need to grow up. Yeah, literally. Basically. Yeah. Do you go to therapy? No. No.

You went, you sought out a psychologist. Yeah, well, you can't let's knock on. He came with the podcast And he was like an MDMA psychologist And I was like okay If I did this And so he like gave me like Who told me what to do

This guy Rick Barnett Oh I thought about flagrant You came on your podcast Yeah yeah he started Yeah he started the psychedelic society Vermont And he does like MDMA therapy He's the man

But he was like listen to this podcast Or listen to this playlist Like the John Hopkins Like MDMA research playlist He gave me like all this game Did you learn anything? About myself? Yeah

From him No about yourself In the thing Oh yeah Really? Yeah about like anxiety and like just like the way that I see myself like I was able to like take my own advice because like people would ask me advice and I feel like I would give like decent

advice but I would never take it and then doing mushrooms I like was able to handle it. How much did you do? Because I've never had that thing. Yeah. Well I feel like there's an intentionality with it because like I went out. I had a hammock. I laid in the woods. Yeah. Like I went upstate and then like I played the music. I had like all the drinks like water everything I needed. So I was like very like rigorous with it. And then I intentionally like meditated before our journal before and then like. You were like, I'm going to come out of this, not a bitch. I'm going to come out of this drone.

Yeah, that was the goal. Yeah, I was like, I feel like a bitch. I feel like I'm anxious all the time and I'm scared of shit. And then I was like, what if I do mushrooms and I see like a demon? I see like, you know, some scary shit. And then I was like, okay, I'm going to think of the scariest thing possible. And then nothing showed up. And I was like, oh, I'm fine.

How did you? Was that mushrooms or Molly? Mushrooms. Oh, okay, okay. What happened with Molly? You just did it. Oh, it's just the best. Okay.

It's the greatest thing ever. And then I listen to the songs later, and I relapse. Just in the gym, just like, dude, everything's awesome. I love you guys. I'm like, hey, he's spot me, and then I just talk to the guy for a while. Molly is sick because it gives you the high of cocaine, like the high of, like, I'm invincible, but it doesn't make you fucking talk about it. You know what I mean?

It's all like a freak. Yeah, it doesn't. There's none of that. There's some of that. One of my friends gets Molly eye where one eye shuts entirely. It's so funny. He's like, yeah, dude, I love you so much. I'm like, dude, we can't talk to me.

But, yeah, Molly just allows you to be like, I love you so much without then having to be like, and we should start a podcast together. I mean, I developed a 401k idea where we all put our kid out. Coke is so fucked up. But you preface it, even when I'm on Molly, I'll be like, hey, dude, I know I'm on Molly, but like, I do really love you.

Like, I will always, like, get ahead of it. Dude, being a sober person and having somebody walk up and going, hey, I know I'm on Molly, I'm like, just somebody else. Yeah. Literally anybody else for me, dude. I'm not going to give you what you. need it's crazy i know i'm on molly and i'm like then no don't be here yeah i need it i need it yeah i have no real patience for drunk people or whatever i just don't i just get away from

me yeah well i've only ever done molly around people also all doing molly yeah that's great yeah i've no i couldn't do molly around someone that's not on drugs that would be insane you ever meet somebody who you think is on molly but they just live like that like butterly tim butterly is like that i don't know tim but he just tells everybody that he loves them that he loves you and you're like i tell everybody i love them really yeah that's great It's always funny with guys Because they won't say it back at first And then they eventually just cave and start saying it

But the first time you're like, I love you They're like, all right man, I'll see you later Didn't you accidentally say it to someone in your building? Like you say it so frequently Like you said like someone is in elevator Oh yeah, I actually said it to this neighbor mine Who I'm pretty sure was in jail Because he had an ankle brace on the first couple times I met him

And he was with his daughter and I was like All right man I love you all and he was like We don't, that's awesome My bad But it's also a nice mistake You know what I mean? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Of all the mistakes.

But it was weird. It was a weird moment. I saw a weird one. Last night, a guy was... Oh, sorry. You're my... Archer. Archer, you want to come in?

Yeah, one second. It's right there. We got an archer. You got the magnet back home? It's good. It's good. Don't touch me. A little freak.

Just look away from that. I came in here like about a hell. I got it. I'll be right there. You don't even use your hands, Archery. He's like, damn. This is great. Dude, there was a guy last night

walking around my house that was, It was like a two in one. There was a guy getting recycling, like a super who's like a crackhead outside my building. But then there was a guy I was walking my dog and he just kept opening his fly and showing the tip of his penis. And he would just keep walking by me and just showing the tip of his penis like this. And it was so weird to me. Like I was like, I want to say something to him. But it was almost like he wanted me to be like, it's good.

Like he wanted me like, no, it's fine. That's a good. Like he was like, it sounds medical. Is this okay? Yeah. And then I walked up to the super, and I was like, there's a guy just showing the tip of his penis everywhere. And the super goes, that's awesome. And I was like, what is you all right with everybody?

You do live in The Simpsons. Yeah, yeah. He was like, that's awesome. And I was like, it's not awesome. And I was like, no, it's not awesome. You're too successful to live in that building. I know. I live in a tiny, it's the size of that table.

I refuse to move. I love the location and I don't want to, I have a house up in Ithaca, but I don't want to move out of my tiny studio. What's your time share here and there? What do you hear 10, 11 months out of? of the year? What do you? Like how? Here, 12 months out of the year, they're two weeks. So you don't ever. Why don't you sell your house in Ithaca and get a bigger place in the same late neighborhood? Because I don't believe in the stock market. So I buy gold. All right. All right. What? Yeah. That also didn't really answer my question. Because I have the house as a long-term investment.

Full of gold. Okay. I got you. Right? I got you. I got you. I just have the house because I put the money there. And I make it better and I work on it. Okay. And I love it. Oh, you work on it yourself. Yeah. And it's a That was being in type shit, huh? Yeah. Yeah. I know. Or is it cool girl that you can't handle? You have to make me gay because the idea that you could be in a relationship with somebody who was handy, hot, cool is too much.

No, I'm okay with the fact that I couldn't handle you. That's fine. Okay, great. Sometimes I wonder that. When guys are like, you're gay, I'm like, or are you just mad that your wife can't do shit? Two things can be true. Two things can be true, right? They go, you have to be a lesbian.

There's no way you can suck a dick and build a house. And I go, I can do both. We're going to build a house, but I don't think it's like a cock. Really? For sure. Are you handy around your apartment and you fix everything? I hate doing it because I did it for so many years. With your dad?

Yeah, with my dad and my mom's a contractor too. Or was that just like a thing that you do? Yeah. Well, you know, if one thing let do another, what do you do? Everything's going to be true. But my mom was a contractor and my dad, so I would work for both of them. Yeah. So carpentry is in my family.

Yeah, okay. So you can fix anything. yeah the only thing i can't do is build like furniture i can't i don't do fine carpentry no i'd leave that to the i hate that i hate that so much yeah totally but yeah but i also what i'll do is i'll date blue-collar people so they they fix stuff so i don't have to because i don't i'm writing that down that's that's really smart just date blue collar people yeah date a real man finally crossing your mind around she just thought of that she might be an idiot yeah i know he's bushwick paris can't do it they're republican though you have to be okay with republican

No, that's a problem for her. Not for a relationship, but... I only date Republicans. It's a huge issue. That's a problem. How does it manifest? Because I'm masculine, so I have to date somebody more masculine than me. And then they're always conservative.

Yeah, I'm not going to date some fucking NPR. A tote bag? Yeah, they have to be somebody who hates women. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because then I feel feminine because they're like, you're a little bitch. They don't have to hate women, but they have to at least... Then you're the exception. They're like, I hate women, but you.

Right, right. Or they're like, I feel... They're not going to... Like, when I date liberals, they think I'm going to, like, dominate them in bed because of how I am out in the world. But a Republican is like, nobody's dominating me. That's crazy. You know what I mean? I'm a feeling like that.

Yeah, you date guys in unions. Yeah, I love a union man. Yeah, uniform. Love a union man. Love a uniform. Love when they have the kind of hick accent where they talk like there's marbles in their mouth. They're like, you're going to get, bob, bob, and they're kind of fat. I don't do the fat.

I don't do the fat because I used to be very fat. So when I see the fat, I go, why don't we do? She likes a nice body. But full. Lean. Full. Yeah. You don't want to leave.

You don't need abs. No, abs. What are you fucking pervert? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Abs, no way. Abs are crazy. Yeah. No, this all trash.

This makes sense. You date a fireman? Oh, love to date. No, firemen's cheat like motherfuckers. Really? Yeah, because they're Dominican. If there's any Latino in them, I won't date them because they cheat. It's in their culture.

It's true. Wait, so what uniforms are you dated? Uniform, like carpentry. Electrical. Love electrical. What have I dated? I would date a plumber. A little poopy for me.

It does seem a little poopy. Farmer I've dated. Mechanic. Farmer seems like the move. Mechanics great. Farmers are really stupid. They're really dumb. But they're very strong.

But is there something nice about that? Like you're thinking of stuff all day and you go home and he's like, I'm not thinking of this. No, they have to be smart. They have to be like a little, almost like, dorky like and i know how to fix this or whatever you're an autistic farmer autistic notistic carpenter the farming thing the farmer would be good farmer would be a doctor whoa that would have been your dream that's good that's my dream that's a crazy pipeline what kind of doctor is it i don't know we haven't we haven't we lost touch i think internal medicine or whatever but like i remember

we were talking about like getting work this summer he's like you always make money throwing hay bales and i was like yeah you throw hay bales and i was like yeah you throw haybells and make like 15 cents a hay bill over the course of a day you made 100, 200 bucks, and I was like, I'm making 30 cents that day. I'm going home. You're just a sister's just fucking pushing a hay bill for the whole day.

15 cents a hay bill? Yeah, and you're just tall. And you're seeing a hayball. That's a big fucking blah. Yeah. I think I was a man, dude. We probably would get a little jacks doing it, you know? Like, I think about work that you also get a work out, which is kind of nice. Yeah. I, before I started comedy, I was a farmer,

and I wrote the most jokes farming because you're just checked out. Yeah. completely just like moving your body so you can think about stuff, which is nice. But then you're so tired. So I had to quit being a carpenter because I would get up on stage and be like, that's him, you get a minute. Wait, what was the worst job you ever had?

Roofing seems pretty tough. I don't do bad jobs. I don't like doing bad. Probably, I like doing manual labor. I think the worst jobs are anything that has to do with service, service industry. When you have to be nice to be both, fuck off. I cannot do that. When you all of a sudden become slave mentality to them And they treat you like that

And you're like, what are you thinking that this is? You know what I mean? Bakery I didn't like because you had to wake up at 5 a.m. Oh, yeah. That's rough as a comic. Yeah, that was rough as a comic. But I would just stay up all night and go. And the cocaine.

Yeah, the coke. Yeah, yeah. Any service industry job, I've lost, I've been fired from all of those from getting in fights with people. Boy, what was the craziest fight you got into? She accused this guy being a pedophile. That was just for love of the game.

That wasn't even on the job. Um, I got fired for, let's see, I got fired. My sister fired me from a job because I would smoke a blunt before going in every time. And then I got my best friend a job there. And we would, this thing would happen because when you're like, we would give people their water and we would go up to each other. And if we ended up at the same table on accident, we would cry, laugh in front of customers and, like, not be able to keep it together. And my sister was like, you're going to get fired. And then one day I just walked up and I picked up a cup and I was so high.

and I just dumped the pitcher on the custom. And she was like, you're done, dude. You're done. Totally. But have you been treated badly by patrons? I don't know. I was so high all the time. I didn't do it.

Sounds like you might have deserved it. Yeah, I was so bad at that job. She dumped water on a guy's fucking head. Yeah, of course. Yeah. I just would lie and be like, I know what I'm doing and couldn't do it. I've lost a lot of jobs doing that. Be like, I can do it.

And then I would YouTube things. I lost a job putting in, like, countertops ones because I just drilled right through the countertop they bought and then I tried to patch it and they were like, yeah, you can't do this. I just seem like not, the only thing I can really do well is stand up. I can farm, but even

farming, I would be running the combine through the field and I would think of a joke and write it down and the combine would just turn and fuck up the entire crop. I'm very clumsy and bad. That's why stand up, it's got to work out. It's got to be, it's got, I guess. How did it work being on a farm, but also not being able to see blood?

Because I feel like on a farm. I can see my own blood. just I can't see like no needles no but yeah I can cut my hands up and yeah I mean you couldn't menstruate and have that right right right yeah I'm menstruating yeah but there yeah cuts everywhere is totally fine

it's vaso vagal vagal is like you know yeah pokey stuff yeah yeah I'll faint putting an earring in sometimes no it's when it's go in the body we don't like to go in the body you can cut the body you can't go in the body you just like pass out before you got your ears pierce like how did you like manage that the ears pierced or tattoos like do you freak out i only fainted it

this one oh on the collarbone because it got too close yeah and this one actually because it got down the cabins yeah oh like at the deck dude my mom was laughing god damn it where's that boy come in here and go down on me you got it archer you're good but like if you had to like vaccinated a cow or something like you had it like livestock

and i don't have to no no no bean farming bean farming combine. Oh, it's only crops. No, I'm not sticking things into animals. Vines? I'm not a vet. What's wrong with you? I had a friend that had a farm near something like they would just have chickens that would die. The fox, they're like foxes or whatever would get in and like eat all the chickens. And then they'd just be bloody chickens and we'd have to go fucking clean it and shit. Armour's life is a rough life, dude. Yeah, it's insane. It's not easy. Bloody chickens, I think it would even be fine. It's more like if I had to give an IV to a cat.

What do you? She's going to knock out. Bro, Burke Kreisher and that whole crew, do you guys do those IVs? Ivy drift, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, come on, what do we do? I used to donate blood, like in school. Stop, what's wrong with you? I fainted at substance, that movie substance. Hard, dude.

Passed out right in the theater. Tried to get to the bathroom. Yeah, I heard you talking about this movie. I remember seeing the trailer and I looked nuts. It's really good. I'm all about it. I love that movie because I love the... I always talk about how plastic surgery freaks me out

because people are like, oh, you look so young, but you're not actually young. You have an old person in there. And the substance, like, perfectly encapsulates that where it's Demi Moore living in this young girl. And it's so good. So I had to watch it again. But yeah, it was like, I made it through the gory stuff.

And I was like, I'm good. Look at me. I'm growing. And then she got a panic attack on screen. And that's when I just was like, I have to go the bathroom. I sweat through all my clothes, passed out in the hallway.

Whoa. People were walking over me being like another homeless person. Did you hear your head? Like, if you pass out, Like, that's sketchy. No, you know to get down. You get down and you're like, here it comes. And then you are up against the wall and then you slide down and you're out.

And then you wake up. On planes, I faint a lot. Really? Yeah. If I watch a movie and because there's less, you know, there's that, it's why you fart a lot and you laugh a lot. You notice when you watch a movie on a plane, you'll cry? Yeah. I don't.

Yeah, I cry all the time. On planes, right? Because it makes you, it does something. There's some scientific thing that happens. Yeah, they make food salt here. Yeah, apparently that's a lot of times. because people want tomato juice or Bloody Mary or whatever because it's salty and you crave salt more.

Oh, wow. That's why I mean snack. Or maybe you don't taste. Or maybe you don't taste salty much or something. Yeah. Your taste blood gets get muted, I think. Or something to that. Yeah. It's an incredibly unnatural thing flying. It's, dude, all I want is what you want. I want to get the transit vehicle. I want a tour bus. I want to make it. Yeah. I want that. But how? We have a podcast every week, so that's why we're here. Okay.

You'll do, be any in with Jordan. Jordan. That's your only pod or you do another one? No, RIP. Okay. Thanks. Come on, dude. And, uh, but RIP I could do anywhere. Okay. But I want one month on the road, one month you banked the podcast.

I would love this. Right? I would love this. But why don't we do it? Because I think a lot of times comics have a hard time selling tickets on a Monday or Tuesday, you know? Oh. So like comedy tour, it was always just like weekends. You go to some shitty club and you do stand up and do drugs.

But then you camp. You could just do stuff. I think we're getting to the point where we could do weekday stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Well, Andrew definitely is. But also sometimes we're topical and something big happens in the news. Oh, God, book a flight the day before.

What are we talking about here? You guys always say that. Does he do arenas? Yeah. He could do arenas on the weekends, theater on Wednesday. Yeah. And that'd be fun. But he has a child.

It's the children. Yeah, also kids. And then you get the month with the kids. Yeah, but then you're a month with our kids. That's tough. That is tough because they grow up, so they get big fast. Yeah. And you can bring them at a young age.

Eddie Young. You can't raise it. Wait, isn't Andrew not touring? He's not off the road for a little bit. He's doing the movie right now in Australia. Yeah. See, that's nice. Yeah, right? That's nice. A good long break. Oh, yeah. Although, sometimes I take those breaks and I'm like, I'm going to write fucking new hour.

And then the whole break, I'm like, oh, nothing. I'm like, oh, nothing. I did, this is the longest I've ever taken. It's in like five years. I took like three months, only like three weekends. And I was like, I'm going to work on this hour. I'm going to polish it. I did nothing.

What is that? We're imagining some dusty desk in a beautiful room. with a son coming in and we're like, deed diary. Like, it's not happening. We're like filling it with family and friends and all the people want to see. I'm not productive today, but the future me.

Yeah, the future me has, is a professor? Yeah, yeah. And reads. It's crazy what I'm imagining. Yeah, I'm like, I don't even own a desk. Oh, Alex has to leave to go to Russia Shana dinner or something. Yeah.

Are you Jewish? Do you like to say goodbye to? Oh, so you're not dumb. You're smart girl. You know everything. Listen, guys, let's take a break because we need to talk about your mental health. You're probably not doing

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Streaming on Paramount Plus. Cue the music. Like NCIS, Tony, and Ziva. We'd like to make up her own rules. Tulsa King. We want to take out the competition. The substance. This balance is not working.

And the naked gun. That was awesome. Now that's a mountain of entertainment. Paramount Wolf. Can I ask you a question about? your subway take? Oh, yeah. So I imagine you had multiple subway takes, like, in your head, were there any that you were like, oh, I, if I get, are there any that you would tell here and, like, that you would, the only other one I had was that all seats need to go back on the plane. All seats

back. All seats go back. Everyone goes back. Everyone goes back. I've never, I love that take. I've never even understood why this is an issue. Like, the idea of like, oh, do I put my seat back or not? I'm. Larry David, so many people that we know in love, don't bring it back. Don't weigh back. What is that? It's because they think it's a huge sign of disrespect to lean into somebody's face. And I'm like, but we all want to be like this. Yeah.

So if we all do that, but then there's this one motherfucker on the plane that's straight up being like, yeah, that's your prerogative. You don't have to. Then you don't have to lean back. I would even argue just make the seats shape that way. Yeah, it's also, this is not my fault. This is a Delta thing. Like, Delta said that they can go back that many feet or inches.

So I'm going to go back. Yeah. Like, don't get mad of me. Yeah. But you still have that thing where you have. haven't gone back yet and the chair hits and you go damn that is offensive like if i was not a seat back but then oh that's offensive oh that's better but maybe it fucks the person in the back i mean what is the logic you know what that person does yeah yeah there's one there's one person

gets fucked all the way in the back because those seats don't recline but they're poor exactly yeah that is a good point yeah i mean you're already sitting right by the bathroom you're already fucked yeah yeah i've been in that seat yeah leaning back not leaning back it don't make a difference yeah you just got to eat it they're like i got the last spot so well with the stank and the chlorine smell. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you hate to see it.

But, yeah, I don't even, I don't even think that's a controversial. I'm, like, completely with you. But a lot of people aren't. It's like half and half. It's shocking how divisive this is. I've asked audiences, and it's like, so... And the ones who are anti-back are anti-back.

They are like, you are a horrible person. I don't think those people fly very much. If you fly a lot, you're so uncomfortable on the plane. Give me any ounce of, like, less discomfort. Not even comfort. Just less discomfort. I need that. Yeah.

I have a lot of plane. problems. I agree. Yeah. I wish we could talk about it to stand-ups. Somebody decided it was hacky in the 1980s and now I can't do it. Yeah. But like the person behind you trying to get off the plane before you?

You know, I will fuck that person. What is that? If you say I have somewhere to be... Dude, the other fucking day, my dog, we're getting on a plane and my dog is doing the cutest thing that she does before we get on a plane, which is where she rolls on the carpet and scratches her back. It's a cute thing you've ever seen. And this woman goes, there's something wrong with your dog and she shouldn't be

on the plane. Whoa. What a... I'm fucking bitch. I'm fuming. And she walked by me and I stop her. I put my arm out and I go, hey, what, what were you saying? There's something wrong with my dog. And she was like, well, there's obviously she has like a skin thing because she was scratching. And I was like, she was.

And I like just stopped this woman before she got on the plane and had this whole breakdown with her about how insane it was that she said that. And she was like, okay. And then she walked down. I was like, I'm glad we had this conversation. She's like, me too. Have any of these conversations ever been filmed? Has an iPhone ever popped out and you were like, oh, I snap back. I got to get out of here?

that was what I was worried about that Manhattan one when I punched that guy's mirror because there were so many people around No, I've had people DM me and be like, I saw you in a fight with a security guard totally. Totally. Love the pun. You're like, what?

I get in fights, you know when you walk into a store and they go, hi, what can we, what are you looking for today? And you're like, pants shopping? I'll fight that bitch. I'll fight that bitch. What are you doing? Leave me a lot. I'll walk in, I know how to do it. I know how to buy my own pants. I'm like, so are you looking for any sort of fit? I'm like, I know you think I'm going to steal

fuck off. I'm not going to fucking steal from you. What are they doing? They don't think you're going to steal. They're forced by the company to make the guests feel a company. Nobody looks at the white girl and is like, she's... Dude, I had a lunger recently. I was like, you're giving me so much anxiety right now, babe.

You got to back off. And she was like, I think we're on the save wavelength. I was like 100% not in the safe way. I need you to treat me like I'm an enemy. That's what I need. I've had so many people come up to me at a store in a row that I was like, what's happening? How many people do I have to tell them okay?

I know, but I grew up a fat mall goth. that would get profiled for actually, I would steal everything. So now I'm like, dude, I'm not, it's weird when people think, dude, when people think you're poor when you used to be poor now, like my neighbor by my house

thinks I'm white trash because my mom has two pit bulls and my sister has two Pomeranians and we're always looking like white trash and she was like, you guys need to stay on your property. And I realized, I was like, oh my gosh, she thinks I have no money,

she thinks I'm white trash. And I overdid it trying to think I would make her think I was rich. Like I brought her zucanis and I was like, we grew these on our property. Like, she was like, just leave me alone. I was like, you're right. That's how you're going to prove to her that you were rich.

I thought the zucchini. I brought agriculture. I don't know. Farm to table or something. I don't know. Oh, my God. You don't even know how to pretend to be rich. She keeps catching me on her property.

I keep going back there. You got to stop. She got me two days ago. I was on her property. What are you doing on her property? It's just, I'm a little landlocked on mine and the dogs like to run. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

And she doesn't like it. She doesn't like it. She doesn't like it. She can't even see us. We're deep in the woods, but she found us, and she was shaking. She was like, you're not respecting my boundary. And I was like, do you plan on living here for a long? Because I need you to not live here anymore.

She was like, she sucks. She's like, I don't plan on leaving. It was awful. Oh, wait, what dogs? Is the pit bulls or the other? It was the pit bulls. The pit bulls are the problem. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Mm-hmm. Are you a pit bull lover? I'm a pit bull lover. Yeah, totally. Do you understand the stigma? Yeah, dude. Her mom's pit bull ate her friend or her girlfriend's cat's foot.

Yeah, right off, clean off. I was on acid when I was. I saw the foot. Freak me out. Oh, no. A bone charred. Dude. You can't do that.

Yeah. Yep. So, what happened? Kept the pit bull? Yeah, wait. So baby, the pit bull, my mom always had these women just moving in. My mom had a woman move in with us.

And she had two kids. And my mom broke up their marriage. Is that a real thing? Lesbians move in, like, immediately? Oh, my God, so fast. Oh, really. Sometimes it would bother me. And I'd be like, I would want to be like, mom,

are you, like, compensating for the fact that you don't have a cock? you know what I mean like are you like like if you had a cock would you be like I'm just going to dick this bitch down but because I don't I have to be like you can move your Ikea stuff is that is there something with that but no I think it's just way too much emotional connection too fast like men will just be like pump the brakes pump the brakes but women are like why I ever pump the break let's just eat each other and so then they would move in and then baby ate the foot of this woman's cat and the woman was like I'm worried that you're gonna the dog is gonna attack my kids rightfully so yeah and my mom was like all right leave my dog over everything take your little oh crippled cat and get the fuck out of here. Damn. Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. Pit bulls do scare me because my dog is so small, and is he a fucking yappy little thing? I wonder where he gets that from.

But I'm like, you're going to get killed. Yeah. You got to know your fucking. No, my dog's best friend is two pitfalls, though. If they're raised right, they're the best. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. My mom's dog will put my dog's head entirely in its mouth and just hold it there. And I'll watch my dog just feel like, this is the best.

And I'm like, I get it. You want the daddy. It feels good. Yeah. It's nice. She likes the threat, just like her mommy. Yeah. She likes them.

That's really what it is. It's not that I have anything against pit bulls. I just don't trust people. Yeah. I'd have to know what kind of a dad you are before I let. And they're bred oftentimes to be a little more aggressive. Am I mistaken? They have in there.

They have a, when I've owned pit bulls, they have like a hunt and kill mentality. Like they'll just find a woodchuck and just end its life very quickly. But I think that that's just their size. Like I think any dog would do that. They just can't. Yeah, my dog chases after pigeons. Right. Like, I think they just can't do it.

Actually, squeak toys, apparently, it's like it makes it them feel like they're killing a thing, and that's why they like it dogs like squeakers. Oh, yeah. My dog tore open a squeak toy the other day, and the squeaker just said, you won. No. Oh, that's clever. I like that, dude. Yeah, it was really cool.

It's kind of nice. Yeah. But yeah, I don't know. There's something about, like, you got to find out the Carfax of the owner and be like, are you a good owner before I, like, I let my kid pay your dogs. Yeah, all dogs can meet. You just seen chihuahuas. And they bite, they just don't hurt.

Yeah. Pipples can just do a lot of damage because they got the giant jaw. Yeah. There was a mastiff on the fucking train the other day and it was so big. And I turned and looked at it and it took my look as like we're friends and it just jumped on me and was just like slobbering on me and everybody was like, oh my God. But the dog was just loving me so hard. It is just like, and the owner knew. The owner was like, I'm not going to. It's totally fine. But yeah, it's all what the owner is. And I think people who have pit bulls sometimes do it for status. So they're fucking, you know, kind of the key does. They project a little. Yeah. And they want it to be. But you see these white girls in Brooklyn walking their dogs and they won't, they choke on the leash so hard? Yeah. And I'm like, that's going to be a bad dog. Yeah. And you're thinking it's going to be a good dog because you're training it, but you have to let them rock.

Yeah. You're teasing and be tense all the time. Yeah. And they're aggressive on leash because they're thinking they're like, oh, I'm being held back because I'm supposed to be fighting for something. You got to let them free. You got to free the dog. You seem like such a good dog, mom. I feel like you'd be a good mom.

I know, I'd be such a good mom. It's such a shame. I'm not going to have kids. I'd be the best. I'd have a feral little fucker here. A little naked boy. Yeah. Is that?

You're never going to have kids? If somebody comes inside me, I'll keep it. But I can't, I don't do good holding down relationships. And I'm not freezing my eggs. Why not? Because they're crazy. These girls go crazy. You see all these comedians who freeze their eggs and they go two months of losing their goddamn mind?

Also, I don't want to. I'm not that pro kid that I'm going to do the egg freezing. Because then they pay, it's a racket. They pay 10 grand at least. Freeze the shit out. out of their eggs, and then they all get pregnant immediately after naturally. This happened to like four of my friends.

And you've got to pay to storm, right? They charge like a rent. It's like storage wars. Like there's like in a unit somewhere. It's, yeah. And if I don't get pregnant, it's not meant to be. If I do get pregnant, I'll keep it. Would you raise like a step kid?

Yeah, raise a step kid, right? Somebody else's good. Yeah, totally. I see you adopting. I would like to adopt. A little Chinese baby. Oh, you go Chinese. Yeah, they're so cute.

They are really cute. They're so cute. You know they're going to be smart. A little Chinese baby You're going to do your taxes Oh look at them Oh my god Oh far right is so cute

Oh What are we doing Bobby Lee? Right there To the left To the left Look at the Oh come on

Yeah I would love to adopt Right there Yeah yeah yeah Look at that fucking kid Yeah Oh my goodness What a cutie puttoity

But the thing with adopting Is you want to adopt an orphan Or else they End up connecting With their whack-ass crackhead mother because they want to find their roots and then that mom takes them on some shopping spree and get some high fructose corn syrup every time they say you know it fucks up your whole thing you parents you want nothing to do with them yeah you need yeah totally or dead parents you know what

I was trying to talk about on stage which never works all my female friends are like I want to have a kid but I don't want to raise it with a man right but I don't want to freeze my eggs so I basically the way they're describing is they're like I want to get pregnant and then basically have the guy just disappear forever and I'm like you're describing rape you want to get raped and have a man be locked up yeah and i think men are going to get so bad for women to date that we're going to have like rape nights where we go out and get raped i know i can't talk about how he worked out can i can i just point out the problem with the logic of the bit is you could also just a guy gets you pregnant and then leave no because he won't leave ever

he won't leave and he could always come back into your life he's in jail he's done either we want to getting pregnant and then kill the man like a praying mantis does? Yes. Pretty sick. That's pretty cool. Or locked up. Honestly, maybe that's the disconnect is if you're like, I just want him to like go to, like, have sex with me. Then maybe he winds up in jail or something.

Yeah. If you give them that breadcrime and then you just don't say so hard, you're like, I think what you're describing is. Yeah, they don't like it. Yeah. Okay, okay, soften it. Maybe. Yeah. Because it still is consensual.

Like, there's still a consent part, you know? Yeah. I think we worked out your bit. We did it. We did it. I say so much on stage. Sometimes just to see the reaction, it's so crazy how people react.

I wonder why. Oh, my God. I know. It's crazy that one word can just shut down a whole road. It's nuts. It's pretty cool. You feel like a fucking puppeteer. You're like, no.

I got you. I got you. That's nice as a woman. I can say. Yeah. You guys can't say. Yeah, it is. You really can't.

Yeah. I tried. It never worked. Yeah. It's crazy. Damn. I tried saying the other day that I know that women are dealing with red better finally because women that get raped are so annoying. That

did got that reaction. That got this react. Like when a man gets they shut down emotionally. They disassociate. They disassociate. You try and talk to them and they just slowly face a corner in the room. You ask a woman about raped and they're like, well let me tell you. And I'm like, this is good. This is progress. Yeah. Women are talking about on every first date. we're getting somewhere we're moving in the right direction you just want men to be more open also

yeah if every man if a guy yeah then I would know then I would know that it was getting better that men were evolving if they sat down a date and they were like let me tell you about when I was you went oh oh shit you know because that's happening to you guys every date you go on you guys are in relationships but when

you go on a date women will immediately bring up their assault really yeah or any trauma I'll do it oh my god totally so how should you handle as a guy if there's any single guys out there should you just kind of lean back and be like so what was that like or do you just oh I'm so sorry you go I'm so sorry yeah

you gotta do I'm so sorry if you want to have sex it's empty calories though I go oh my god I'm so sorry that must have been so I hate that I salt is mad I hate it I fucking hate right yeah but then they're gonna try to fuck you that night so like you gotta now you right that's what men do is they go oh no now if I try

and fuck this woman it's rape don't think that way really because I would think you got to wait a few dates now. Now you've got a slow play. This girl got wrong. I can't be the guy trying to fuck her when she just told me she got well. Well, what happened? You gotta edit all that? Yeah, we duck it. He's ducking. We have to duck everyone. Okay. What's duck it?

You got to duck. You got to mute it. That would actually be way funnier. Every time you say we have a little duck. Let's do that. Let's put a little duck noise. That's kind of nice. Okay. Like, if you do a drink is taking teeth out of it, you know what I mean? Yeah. We can say grape. Is that better?

But now you're so sensitive. You keep going. You just got to be you. Yeah, be you. Okay. And then Miles will just make you a dog. Brank. Quack, quank.

Yeah. I wonder where your YouTube got taken down. But I got very skittish of this whole thing because in college they told us, like my orientation. They were like, if a girl drinks alcohol, she can't consent. And then I was like looking at my friends that are girls that get shitfaced and bang dude. Oh, dude. I'm minored. You know what I mean?

Dude, I never had sex sober. I got sober. This was my friends said. I looked at it and I was like, is this true? And then we're like, no, it's so bad. I mean, it's so, it's like when all the, dude, I also like, you know people who got like, like, clocked, dragged, right?

And then so, and then you went to college and they said all of that. You know what I mean? Just fucking clubbed over the head. And those girls, which I know, dude. My sister had this happen when she was like, 15 brutal and then all of a sudden all these girls are like I was because I drank and had sex with this guy

and I just remember my sister being like you fall off you you want to see I'll give you something to cry yeah totally but yeah I mean there's something to be said about when you get fucked up and you wake up and you're like dude come on I know that you didn't drink as much as me you know I fucking hate you

you know I find you disgusting I turned you down five times and you did this then I can imagine being like I'm going to press some charges but when it's just two drunk people having sex it's tough you can't I yeah that's what they told us in school and I was like well I'm just gonna

that's good though it's good to go hard I guess right you're gonna air finish the sentence for God's sakes well you can't be like and answer what they told us I was like well I'm just gonna yeah stick with my girl and then marry her yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

they get her drunk wait what yeah now you can just fuck your wife drunk though right that's not right but even that I'm Can they? What about the guy who fucked his wife and she had Alzheimer's? Whoa. And then somebody called the cops.

Wait, that's the thing? Do you think if you get married, it should be illegally? No. Wrake ever. I have a solid rule. They had to make this a law. They had to make that a law. Because of that.

Like, there's a comedy documentary I saw way back in the day. And it was like comedy around the world. And there was a guy in Africa and he was like a warlord. And he's like, I love stand-up comedy. And so he does comedy for. like the troops and the warlord thing and one of his jokes like this was like his big closer he goes so I met this guy

and he was like I my wife and I was like how and like it crushed and all the guys in this trial were like yeah they were like how it's not possible and so then everyone's like we gotta make a law

you can it's possible to do bad things to your own wife and you shouldn't do it and then everyone's like right fun totally I think it's possible to have many out in the world. Like the guy who always demands the long hug. It's a little mini you know. Sometimes the fist bumps, the amount of fist bumps, somebody throws at you. Little mini.

So many. So many. You know the guy who just always is there with the fist bump? I'm like, I was funny as I offered her one fist bump earlier and I saw her look at it and she thinks I'm on a I know. I feel better. What about a high five? That's full that's jail. What I bet. I was like, I'm a hugger and I was like, no, hugging's good. Hugging's good. I mean the unattractive guy

that's like bring it in as soon as you show up to work and you're like fuck now I have to hug Jim for 45 seconds. Yeah. Totally. Yeah. There's also a guy thing that happens with this though. Like guys will just dab each other up too many times. Oh really? Because like especially if you're drinking a little bit. Oh, I didn't know

that. You'll be like, yo later dude and they'll be like oh by the way let me know about the thing. You're like yeah for sure. Oh, it happens when you're leaving. And he's like oh. Because no one ever leaves right when they say bye. Oh, I didn't know too many gaps. There's multiple dapses at there. And then guys will say bye the rest of the group and they go, anyway, but I'll see what. And that was like the third one in two minutes. Oh, okay. This is the thing. You all agree. Too many daps.

Okay, that's nice that you also have to deal with this. I'm so afraid of white women. I don't even really tug them. I will only dab them. I know. It's really fun in the meet and greet line when people take pictures of me and their hand is just hovering. Yeah, if I take a picture with a girl, almost always the hand is above this. No, it's not touching. Monez, very funny comic, just closes his fists like this in every photo. You got to do the Kiana. You've seen when he takes photo. What does he do? Keanu Reeves, like, hover hand.

Yeah. And he just, like, he'll just, like, stand there like this. The wiggles, is the wiggle hands so they don't have to touch kids. See, I feel like that's overcompensating. Yeah, and you got to watch out for those people. I thought right here, don't touch just so if someone's like, oh, he was a creeping meet and greet. It's like, pull up the picture. I didn't do it.

Oh, wow. Look at that. That's solid. That's solid right there. Go to the quadrant one, because that's got, like, four women in a row. Yeah. It's tricky for him, though, because look how close women always want to get. Yeah, he's hot.

I don't have that issue. One of the hottest nicest guys ever. So he's like, yeah, I got to, you know, play it safe. Women at meet and greets sometimes will just grab onto your shirt because they're so drunk and they're falling over. Have you ever had that happen where they're clutching onto you because they're so wasted and you're like, they're proud with her? I had it happen once or twice.

Once a girl, I was like, yeah. And then she was like, yeah, your wife doesn't mind. I was like, yes, the fuck she does. You don't know my wife, dude. Yeah. This doesn't happen to you? Like, a couple, man and woman. Yeah, they'll come up to you.

Well, that. But, like, the woman will just be so touchy, and then the guy will be there. And I'm like, can me not? Like, I don't know how to handle this. Oh, where a guy is being touchy and the woman's there. No, the girl's being touching. But, like, for you. I'm switching genders.

The guy will be touchy and the girl, no. No man feels comfortable touching me. That's zero. Boyfriends, father, none of them. People I love. Not of them. All of them are like, is this all right? Is this okay?

But do girls ever come on to you? Yes. The girls are crazy. In front of the boyfriends? oh my god and the boyfriend will be like she really wants to have sex with you and I'll be like sorry sorry that your girlfriend wants to cheat on you and they're like I don't consider women people and I go okay

you're okay you're going to have like swing or third energy I feel like where people will see you and they'll be like oh she will obviously be down and then I'm sure you get probably people think I'm down for anything that sounded like an insult no because you talk so much about sex and then you have like this masculine energy people are like oh she's obviously down to join our thruple

yeah but everything I'm saying about sex is how much I don't enjoy it yeah yeah she literally really said that. I don't really like sex. I don't like it that much. It's it makes me have the we're all chimps thing. Yeah. Yeah. It makes me be like, this is so stupid. I saw meth addictics doing this on the subway. This is so dumb that we think we're so cool. Yeah. But then you also talk about how addicted you are to sex. So which one is. Yeah, addicted to I'm addicted to love. And I use sex to get to get to love. I am not addicted to sex. I do not jerk off. I do not watch porn. I do not. Just a means to an end. I'll do anything to get somebody to be like, I'll stay forever. And turns out if you blow dudes You can suck the cum straight out of their balls For a year and a half They still don't stay Damn

You think that You think you go I'm gonna pull all of the semen Out of this man And then we'll get married No, it's actually worse Yeah It's actually worse

Yeah, you have to say No, you can't come on me all the time Yeah And then they go, oh I respect you You gotta be like a trad wife Yeah If you went full tradwife I feel like that would solve

I've gone full trad wife I've done the trad wave thing Yeah I did it I did the running seven miles a day Making the oatmeal in the morning I did the tradwave thing I tried. But then you got to say no sex before marriage.

That's the ultimate one. That would be great. I would love that. No sex before marriage would be awesome. The build up would be great. But I think sex is actually an impediment to finding love. I agree. But you're not told that growing up.

You know what I mean? You look at your friends having sex and you go, they have a boyfriend because they're having sex. Yeah. And you don't realize that your friend didn't break up with them. Yeah. You think that it is now I finally learn that that men will put their dicks in anything. Yeah.

But yeah, you have to wait. But sometimes it's hard to wait. because then you think if you do it why do I not wait typically I not wait because yeah there's this subconscious thing of like I'm going to lock it in because if we have sex he'll be like slightly indebted which tells it happen you should read that

Steve Harvey book think like a man was it act like a lady yeah yeah yeah yeah Steve Harvey wrote a whole book I genuinely don't know what it is but I've seen this you're not supposed to have sex with men for like 30 40 days something like that really yeah what does Steve Harvey know about this I don't know what's going on yeah

don't do that shit that shit don't work act like a lady think like a man. You're not going to trust this guy. Why is a man writing that book? Because he thinks like a man. How men think. This is how we are. Oh, I got you. This is how you need to navigate.

This is how we really are. No man is going to be honest with you about how we are. And if you have sex with them too early, I think he's like, they're going to lose interest. And they won't tell you that. Well, there's also the problem that as a woman, you get attracted to men who aren't into you. Like, then you get aroused. You know what I mean? You get slightly aroused when a guy's like, I don't know if I'm feeling this.

so I think you subconsciously are like well maybe if I have sex to them he'll like me but I think subconscious subconsciously you're like I kind of want to fuck this guy because he reminds me of my upbringing you know a little bit where he's like I don't know if I feel this you go oh you don't feel something you're gonna feel something yeah

I mean you've heard the adage like they told this in Bible study they're like women use sex to get love and then men use love to get sex that's fucked up that was in your Bible study you guys have such a better gender that sounds so much more fun ours is so pathetic. You know what I mean? Yours is so cool. You use that you have sex with somebody. Wait,

what do you use sex for? You use love. You're like, oh, I love you, baby. You're the only one for me just to get sex and then you're done. Whereas women will be like... Wait, but what do you use to get love? Just push it down. You don't need love. Oh, okay. No love. That's nice. That's nice. Yeah, yeah. That's good. We need it so bad. And then you use sex to get love and then men get the love and then, or then they give the love and then they get the sex and they're out. This is what they told in Bible study. Bible study. Yeah, dude. Okay.

He's trying to convert you right now. I don't know if he's happening. I grew up very religious. Are you? And then now I'm like casually religious, but I'm the most religious person of any of my friends. Do you believe there's a God? Yeah. A guy?

Man? I mean. Yes. Yeah, but like. Why? Why? I think it's like a consciousness probably. But that's not religious.

I hate this. No, God is a man. We make it a man because we write it. We make it a man because women bleed out of their vaginas once a month. Why would God do that? if he was a man, or if he was a woman. If God was a woman, he would be like, hey. You don't do shit.

Yeah, because he don't want, he's like men shouldn't have to go through that. No way. You guys are a little tool. Your drone bees. You go up to the queen. Why is the bee a queen woman? Runs the whole hive. We do everything.

Yeah, yeah. You guys are literally warriors. That's why God is a man. He gives you all the responsibility. No, you guys don't know anything. You have no foresight. You don't have intuition. What is ignorance?

Huh? Bliss. He made us like that. He made you like that. Because so that you can serve. I'm sorry, she made you like that, so you can serve. You have to serve. You have to go build the things.

What do we say? We don't build. Not anymore, you don't, because you've lost God. Yeah. No, I found God and I still can't use a hammer. Wait, does Hindu think it's a dude? Yeah, I mean, we have one, like, slight, like life formless, I would assume. He's formless.

Yeah. Or like an elephant. But, yeah, but the avatars of God. Do you have Ganesh? Yeah, that's also a man. Is Ganesh a man? Mm-hmm. There are goddesses, though, Luxmi

is a goddess of wealth. So there are goddesses, but come on. But they're goddesses because they're married to gods. They are with men. Oh, really? No, no, no, no, they're goddesses. But they always have these like these trists with like the...

You think it's a guy. No, I think it's consciousness. I think it's love. Everybody thinks that. That's not religious. You're not religious. Everybody thinks that there's conscious. Everybody knows that everything's into connection. How is a man, bro? Stop it. I like that. I like that you have a hard take. I don't

like when people say they're religious and they just believe what every single person believes. You're a hardcore Catholic. Well, he's manifested as a guy in Jesus, right? Heavenly what? Is it? Oh, you're a Jesus guy? Yeah, grew Catholic. You don't think Jesus is just a guy who did a good job?

No, definitely was that. But you think he died for your sins and all that? No, you don't. He does. He does. He does. He does. I mean, that's okay. Stand on it. Ten does. Let me ask you question. Oh, heavenly, fill that blank in. Oh, heavenly. Father. Ah. Yeah. Interesting. Why no mother. Why not? Oh, heavenly non-binary form was being...

Intuitively know it is a woman, right? Like a little bit. I mean it? No. Really? You really don't? No, because y'all's life sucks. You think God has a penis? Son, manufacturing defects all over y'all. What defects? Oh, the period. Once a month. What a fucking miserable existence. The period is not supposed to happen. It's supposed to bring life like God.

Yeah, that's what he tells y'all, so you don't get mad and not believe in him. You guys think that God has a penis in balls instead of blue. boobs and a vagina. Yes. You're just talking about the yeast infection, the UTIs. You have so many disgusting balls and poops. And we actually enjoy our smells every once in a while. Oh, yeah, no, they smell good to me, but I know, I know, like, objectively it's a bad smell, but I don't know.

Oh, you kind of sniff it. Yeah. Oh, kind of, every time. But you think God has a vagina, like, menstruates? I don't believe in God, but I think if there was a God, it would definitely be a woman. You think God would give herself a period? I think God would. Is that rain?

God. God, yeah. Every time it ran. I think God is shedding his... If God was a woman, God wouldn't have her period because she would be constantly giving birth. It would be birth of life, you know?

I think the blood is, you know... And make pregnancy that painful. You guys don't do anything. You come stupid white goo. I know. That's why would have been how God do that to you? Because, oh, you think we're being punished. Yeah.

No, no. God gave us the easy life because he's one of us. He knows what's up. No, he knows you're stupid. You don't do anything. God does everything. God is a complicated existence of birth and blood and pain and suffering. God takes on a lot of a lot of shit.

You guys are drone bees. You're just drone bees. You just give semen. You're not supposed to be a part of the child's life. Go out, hunt, drag it back, and we go, go, go, go. And we raise the children. If God is a woman, she definitely likes men more. If God is a woman, I can land on that.

She knows you can't handle shit. If you guys bled every, but you, you know, help me. I can't record this week in my period. be you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it would be. We would complain all the time. Yeah. But that's why she did that. She had to, she, just because she gives up, it's like saying an aunt is God. Like an aunt doesn't know shit, right? An ant doesn't bleed. An ant doesn't do anything. Right. You know what I mean? That's an interesting point. Right. God is not a bacteria or whatever, a mosquito. How come your life sucks then? Because it's complicated, way more complicated being a woman, way more pressure, way more responsibility. Because we're a literal God. To give her. point, like, God gives his... Of course you're going to get him. Of course you're going to get him. But God needs his strongest people.

What is it? Yeah. Yeah. What is it? Yeah. God gives his strongest test to his toughest test to his strongest. Yeah. How are you guys tested? Oh, you can't come today. We've got to deal with y'all. Yeah. Yeah. That is true. That is a fucking great counterpoint. Right? Yeah. But also, men bring life. Like, without men,

you guys wouldn't have any babies. Right. That's true. Right? Both are good. We are... I really truly don't believe that God is a person or that there is a god i think we know what there is you know what it is nobody actually believes in god nobody actually come on do you believe in god no i believe in just the higher power yeah saying what is that that's god the higher power is that there's something that knows more than us yeah it could be the energy the world it could be yourself like you guys try to define like make it a person or make it a being like i don't make it a being yeah there's no way it's a being

or else it could be an ant or mosquito no yeah it's when you trip hard balls and you go oh my god i'm such an idiot we are all connected everything is all of the same i'm fairly certain all religions at the end of the god is three things um was omnipotent omnipresent omniscient so omnipresent is everywhere and that can't be a form that can't have a male form or a female form yeah but if it was one it would definitely be a man no way you guys don't know anything you're not you can only think about one thing as a time women can think about everything all the time think about everything we have to overthink we're dealing with humanity Some might say you're too smart for your own good.

No. Some might say you're so smart. You're kind of stupid. How can you not like a woman get hook a baby from their womb up to their boob while they're fucking juggling a million other things? They're dealing with your whack ass. And not be like that is a fucking ginnish with the multiple. I'm like how being such an inferior creature.

The only way we're inferior is we have a built-in thing in our brain that tells us that we need you. Yeah, that is true. That ruins us. Ruins us. we if we had if we could unlock that thing that goes i actually don't need a man but that's very built in or else you guys would be completely insignificant i mean we would hang out with you but we would not mate with you we would not but just how men were for years we were like yeah we don't need women like women are just for kids and then we hang out with each other and that's how it was for probably

all of human existence it doesn't talk about the history of those women but they were chilling they were chilling dude roman empire women oh my god Raising one kid in a fucking Epicurean garden together, so much better. If you guys are into that, I think we could all agree to that. Yeah, who changes it? Y'all are the ones that change it. No, God, you fuckers did it. No, you guys are like working and doing stuff.

No, you guys said one partner forever and monogamy and all of that religious shit. Yeah. We didn't say you guys like Christians. Yeah, Christians. But in Christian world, it was men and women who was separate. No, it's your male God. up there telling us what to do. Yeah. I don't believe in one partner

for me. For her, yes. Yeah. Yeah. I believe in that. If she made more money than me, then, you know, maybe we'll go the other way. You could be monogamous and still have women raise the children together. You know what I mean? You could do it Mexican style. Mexican style is good, dude. I just got like to a fast food order.

Is it Mexican style? I'll do the double, double Mexican style. Little Mexican guy comes in and pregnates the woman and then she has nine kids, what she raised with her, Buella, her mom, you know what I mean? It's all one troop and a bunch of other Mexican ladies while they do stuff with corn. Yeah, yeah, and the stitch thing.

You stitch stuff. Oh, my God. Yeah, it is nice, actually. And they go off and roof. It's good. That's nice. Yeah, I mean, I was thinking about this. Every powerful dude in history,

like up until recently, had a harem. Right? If you were the king, you had like multiple women and concubines. That's still how it is. Epstein, Trump? That's the thing. What happened is that now there's too many people, to have power. Back of the day, it was one dude

per country. It was only one guy per country, and he had a harem, and it worked. But now with capitalism, everyone can get money. If you have enough money, then you can get a harem. And so now everyone's got harems. I think a harem is fine. So long as it's at their own will, you can have a harem. Yeah. I guess how many is a harem? Like, three plus?

Three plus, yeah, I would say. Yeah. I even say three. Do I have to emotionally be there for any of them? No, the whole point of harem is that you're not. Love that. Yeah. That's awesome. Spartan had, like, them chained up? No, that's, oh, come on. They need to be able to get the fuck out of my face.

Yeah, yeah. I don't want to hear about you. They got to go shower. Yeah. And they would all hang with each other, I'm pretty sure. Like, all the girls, like they would gallivant around. Did Cleopatra have a harem of men? Was there any women of the hair of men?

I would be okay with her having a man. She's very powerful. I doubt it, but let's look it up. I think that's fair. We don't want that many of you guys are having to gross. Yeah. Yeah, I don't, yeah, I don't think women are designed that way. You guys.

With that we are. You're stinky guys. She alleged. kept an entire harem of handsome young men says one historical source and then there's another historical source that says no not at all

we're gonna go with yes yeah yeah that's awesome women are just effective in that dude Frida Cowlow had was like in love with her husband whatever his name was what was his name whatever the famous painter and her whole thing was like

don't ever be too attached to your husband and then he fucked her sister and she just like begged for him back or something and got like Spina Biffin her or something It was just like, there's no, if women could just get rid of that little defect, we would be the best. Yeah. Just because that unibrow, man. She's got it plucked.

I know. She's threaded one time. What the fuck to sister? Her sister, yeah, totally. Yeah. That was the tricky thing with second wave feminism is that y'all were like, oh, we're just going to be men. But y'all didn't want to be men. You want to be women in charge.

But instead, women were like, oh, we're going to be CEOs. I miss second wave. I don't know the waves, to be honest with you. I don't know what third way. I miss the hair. The waxing is getting crazy. I thought it was so hot when women had the vaginal hairs

armpit hair and stuff. Oh, the armpit hair. I don't mind armpit hair. I think it's kind of attractive. Because it's never that much. It's like always the smallest little thing. It's like, it's like feminine. It's like womanly armpid hair. Wait, it doesn't get bushy? Not like ears. No. Oh, okay.

Like women with leg air is like it's not like they're just like See? Like do you shave your legs? No. Like that's what, you know what I mean? Yeah, that's okay. Right? It's nothing there. But that's what it is. but the pubes, that becomes Afro. It depends.

Like, that gets bushy. Yeah, it depends. But we don't really like it to be that bushy. You know what I mean? We like to keep it trim. Yeah. But I do think hair needs to come back. It is crazy.

And I think Second Way feminism where we were trying to be men, I agree with you, we were cutting our hair, but there's also something about being a man that's actually more comfortable. Like, you guys have a more comfortable existence. Yeah, right. You know what I mean? Our whole existence is being comfort. Yeah, right.

So us being a man means like, we were trying to be comfortable and now people are thinking they're feminist and I'm like I don't know if you can be a feminist in the high heels I'm not sure if I can't you know I'm not sure if I you know

I mean I guess you can because you get to do whatever you want because you're a woman and I'm learning this that you're a woman I can't say women aren't feminist even though they're being a woman but sometimes sometimes with high heels you're saying women don't want to take accountability surprising

yeah yeah yeah but I think there's certain traits of men that women didn't want to be a part of that they thought that like men like like like like CEOs like there's like no empathy they're like narcissists and so women were like oh we'll do that and then they were like oh fuck I don't want to fire this person that has to take care of their kid right and then they were like well I have this pants suit on so I have to do it I just feel like men you guys should do

do so much stuff but I do think that the overall leader should be a woman I do I do think the lawyers and the cutthroat people and the engineers fine being men but the president I do think should be a woman it should be the hive keeper Okay, tell me about this. Well, I think senators and all of that, all of the drone bees, honestly, should be men. But I think the overall leader should be somebody who can operate with empathy, you know, with all of the things that women can do. Okay. And foresight and future thinking and obsessive thoughts.

That should be president. Right? Like somebody who's going to be like, I'm not opposed. The matriarch does a good job. Matriac does do a good job. And I just think that, yeah, I think the military, the defense person, man, you know what I mean? The head of engineer, man, you know what I mean? But the one, the hive leader that's like, you guys need to eat enough protein today?

You know what I mean? Like, you can't have cookies before dinner. The hostess with the moses. The hostess with the moses. That should be a woman. You know what I mean? The one who's like, you can't, you have to have a new pillowcase. You have to get a new purse.

There's something to do that. Because we all kind of acknowledge the president doesn't really do shit. And so if, like, it's just going to be kind of a figurehead, having a woman that's kind of able to be diplomatic and nice. Yeah. Yeah. And not want to see kids die. Yeah. You know? I think this is an easy sell.

I bet you get people on board. this. No, yeah. I think this is a very subtle thing. I'm not really about the easy cells if you haven't noticed. I bury those down. It's the really fucked up cells that I'm interested in getting people. That's why we love you, dude. That's what makes you so funny. Yeah. That's true. Jordan, anything else you want to plug before we go?

We got B&E... RIP. Watch RIP. It's more philosophy-based podcast. Watch B&Ean. It's a silly, silly podcast. Take me with you. This is my special. Go fucking watch it right. Go stream it on Netflix. Can I ask you one last thing. Just a story that I think would be good to kind of to end on. You did stand up at your father's funeral.

Did I? Is that true? On accident. Can you tell us what happened? Oh, whoa. My father's funeral, I had just started stand up, and I was supposed to be, I was supposed to just be, like, giving a speech about how sad I was that my dad died, but I ended up just throwing bits out at everybody.

And what I say when I do stand up is... You started roasting people? I started roasting people. I talked to, I kept doing bits because I had pushed down the fact that my dad died. And so I couldn't, I remember I was wearing the blazer that I was wearing at the time doing stand-up. And, like, for instance, there were this, all of my dad's ex-girlfriends were there. And one of them was like, I dated Jack. Like, they were meeting each other.

And I was standing with them. And one was like, I was dating Jack in the spring of 91 to the fall. And the other girl was like, wait, I was also dating Jack in the spring of 91. And I just walked up to them and, like, put my arms out and went, what are you guys going to do? kill him and walked away. I was doing that everywhere, dude. And it was crazy. I couldn't stop cracking jokes about the Viagra that my dad had and all the

weed. And it was, yeah, it was inappropriate. It was inappropriate. It's coping, dude. You got to cope. And I had a giant pig roast at the funeral, but I didn't know how to like dress it or pull it or anything, so it just looked like we were at a pig's funeral. It was so bad.

It was like in the middle. My dad was cremated so there was no body. So it was just all of us gathered around this dead pig. And being like, we loved him. It was really brutal. It was crazy. Jordan Jensen, guys. Thank you so much for coming.

You're awesome.