Andrew Schulz's Flagrant with Akaash Singh - Minor League ISIS

Episode Date: December 6, 2019

This week Andrew, Akaash, and Kaz discuss: being a frequent flyer, the Peloton commercial, being part of the G-league terror squad, women not listening during conversations, which gang we would join, HOV's birthday, and much more. INDULGE!!! Want to hear the rest of this episode? Become a PATRON! www.PATREON.com/FLAGRANT2

What do they call when y'all are double, double, double? Double, double, Dunkin, Dunkin, Donut, double, double? Dunkin Donuts, double, double. Dunkin Donuts, that's what I was going to call it. Dunkin Donuts, double, double, wow. We call that shit Exxon, yo. I don't know what you're talking about. God damn, we are just asking for the suicide mission.

So, what a waste that would be if they curated some child bomber since he's nine years old nine years old you've been curating this guy tell him he's doing it for the right causes and then you set him off on us dude are you kidding me dude all these tall ass buildings and you go pull us up

that's like a failed mission you go to wall street here in New York City. You got all the way here. You got your bomb all set up. You ready to rock out. You only knock out three, five people. Wall Street right here. Wall Street right here.

World Trade Center right over there. I'm like, you gonna come here and waste all five motherfuckers? Anyway. You're fired. Shit, you are fired, bro. That's how you get fired from ISIS, dog. They gotta put you in the Bagues like Hamas or some shit. Did they have G-League terrorism?

They got G-League terrorism. They're like, no, you got to send me out to the farm system for a little bit. They send you to Nigeria. You're like, yo, go hang out in Africa for a minute. Go bang out a few Sudanese motherfuckers. Doing suicide missions with that shit they go shooting darts

at motherfuckers next like a 90s deaf comedy jam joke yo how many times did we see this act out in 90s oh my gosh

G-League terrorism yo them G-League terrorists bro yeah they gotta get their weight up I know you remember G-Thing Oh my gosh. G League terrorism. Yo, them G League terrorists, bro. Yeah, they got to get their weight up, yo. I know. You remember G-Thing? It was like, you know, we ain't got a lot of time for you to, you know, get into the main roster real quick, you know, so we're going to send you down. We got to send you down.

Just get your reps up. Make sure you're still sharp, you know, so when we need you, when our injuries, you know what I mean, we get low on loss of space, you might get in. Get in for five minutes, two minutes. If there's one league that constantly needs new players ISIS. It's ISIS.

I-League. Part of the I-League, part of their fucking business model is the players disappear. They just explode. They blow up. These motherfuckers just blow it up. You might talk, you know, there's... They just explode. They blow up. Like, these motherfuckers just blowing up. You might talk about the NCAA. That's the fucking...

That's the program that gets you out of there. It's like the NCAA and ISIS. Like, who makes... Who treats their players least? Yo, that's a good-ass point. Listen, some people... One and done. One and done. One and done. One and done.

They brought this to you out of high school. Oh, yeah, now he's a one and done. He ain't going to be here that long. They both give you a bunch of promises of what you're going to get after you get out of here. Oh, I just went to you get out of here. We'll have 72 versions just waiting for you. You're here for exposure. When the power's the beast, see what you're doing. You're going to exposure. When the powers that be see what you're doing,

you're going to have a great life. Oh, my God. They have like the Zion Williamson of ISIS. They're like, listen, if you didn't come to Duke, you wouldn't have been like, you know, we don't know. This kid is blowing up everything. Facts. He don't know the motherfuckers that blew up the building,

but we know ISIS. Your brand is strong, yo. Good recruiting battle between Al- but we know ISIS. Yo, Brandon's strong, yo. Good recruiting battle between Al-Qaeda and ISIS. Yeah, I had a lot of choices to make. I decided to go ISIS at the end. What's that? I've thought about Hamas for a second, but I just feel like that program isn't what it has been. You know what I mean?

ISIS is really coming up right now. Who's the Steph Curry? Who's like the slept on terrorist? What's the Davidson College of Terrorism on terrorist? What's the Davidson College of Terrorism? Yo, what's the Davidson College of Terrorism? It's like one of them

white militias in Michigan. Oh, wow. What, the Fanta? Fanta? Yo, the Steph Curry? Fatipa? We're protecting our borders. Steph Curry.

The Davidson is a fucking, yo, real talk. But every couple of years, they'll have that Cinderella run. You know what I mean? Next scene's coming up, this one guy picking them off left and right. They're like, oh, man. This kid can't miss.

They're a 16th seed, but they made it all the way to the Elite Eight. Only thing written on his card is, who needs a wall when we got Paul? Oh, my God. Oh, man. I knew we'd get to sample that. Defense! Defense! Defense!

Defense! Defense! Bro! Israel! Israel! Israel la! Defense! Bro! Israel! Israel! Israel is on fire! Burn, motherfucker! Jesus!

It went! It went! It went! It went! It went! It went! It went! It went!

It went! It went! It went! It went! It went! It went! It went! It went! It went! It went! The G League terrorism For real It gotta be Hamas

It gotta be Hamas Cause they don't even have bombs They got rocks Yeah It's like bro They out there getting Tommy John surgeries Just to get a few more

Miles per hour On their heaves Yo it's cause they won't pay the players Over here like fucking beeline in Michigan bro Osama comes down with his notepad Like double double See some promise Oh my god guys Like, double, double. See some promise.

Oh, my God, guys. Oh, God. You think kids are just throwing rocks at tanks? There's like a guy that's like the recruiter there. They're like, he's here. He's got it. Give me your best stuff. No, he's here to see me, not you. That's not going at each other.

Above the rim or something. Oh, my God. How did we even get to that? I think we were talking about... What to get your girl. What to get your girl. That's why you gotta let us go, bro. Nobody could do it like this.

We just go on a 10-minute rant about the G League Terror Squad. G League of Terror. They're called Terror Squad. Lean back. Lean back, he said. See, my niggas don't dance. We just bomb our pants.

Throw the rocks away. See, my don't dance. We got bombs in our pants. Throw the rocks away. Now blow back. Blow back. Blow back. Now blow back. Now my. Blow back. Now blow back.

Now my Mohammeds don't dance. We just, we got bombs in our pants. What is it? What is the next one? Throw the rocks away. Now my Mohammeds don't dance. We got bombs in our pants. We got bombs in our pants.

I'm doing a lot. I'm doing a lot. My Mohammeds don't dance. We got bombs in our pants. I'm doing a lot. While Mohammed's don't dance, we got bombs in our pants. Now throw them rocks away. Now heave back. Wow, dude. Oh, man. So, yeah, Christmas. It's not lean back.

If we could find a way to do the pray. Oh, man. way to do the prey. Aww. Akash is in. Now face east. Face east. Oh, man, dog. We killed that. Okay. Okay, so, but we were talking about getting your girl some shit.

So I got us this vacation, right? Egypt. Best gift you can get your significant other. Is vacation. You're going to Egypt? Egypt, Morocco. You find Delta? Not sure. You see going to Egypt? Egypt, Morocco. You find Delta? Not sure.

You see? Do they go there? You see? He be fucking over there. Does Delta go to Egypt? Delta goes fucking everywhere. But Egypt? Yeah.

Probably Emirates. Emirates, dog. What the fuck, man? Sorry, bro. That's a place. You know what I mean? Whatever. Wait a minute.

Are you sure The airline I thought that Egypt Has it's own airline They do Like India's got Air India But you ain't flying that shit I'm going United

Oh American Airlines Ain't the only airline In America Air India be so packed They have people On top of the plane That was good That was really good That's funny They're so packed, they have people on top of the plane.

That was good. That's funny. That's fucking funny, bro. Imagine how that fucking airplane smells. There's one terminal, and it's in Newark, that flies Air India. Have you been to that? No, when I flew, I flew out of Dallas. When I flew Air India. Air India, Newark, to Mumbai? No. When I flew, I flew out of Dallas. When I flew Air India.

Air India, Newark to Mumbai. Yep. That's it, baby. I knew it. Two hours and 30... There's no way. Did I say two hours? Press all? I gotta be like 20 hours. Two hours and 30... Oh, updated two hours and 30 minutes. 14 hours non-stop, I think. I think 14 hours non-stop on the way there

and then way back is slower. Question. Question. What's up? Question. Okay, so here's my issue about getting the present ahead of time. This is what I'm running into right now, too. You got your girl a present ahead of time?

Son, she wanted to buy something. I was like, I got you. Christmas, let's go. Now, Christmas comes around. You can't leave this bitch with a fucking empty box. You can't leave this bitch with a fucking empty box.

You can't show her the receipt. I can't take a picture of Egypt and put that shit in a box. Here we go. Happy Christmas.

Yes, you could. You could. The plane tickets in the card. Bang. You already went before Christmas. Oh, you're going

before Christmas? Oh, you fucked up. Oh, yeah. Major already went before Christmas. Oh, you're going before Christmas? Oh, you fucked up. Oh, yeah. Major big time, B. Oh, yeah. You gotta schedule it. I gotta get her something. We acknowledge that I must give her something for Christmas. It should be smaller. But now she doubled down. Wait, doubled down how? Because

I got her the Christmas present of us going to Egypt. She doubled up. She got two gifts. That's what I'm saying. My bad. Doubled up. Now, granted, I think she might have snuck in, like, bought maybe a couple of flights or something like that, but I'm going to spend significantly more money. It's not. As I should.

I make more money. As you should. I have no gripes about that. That's not the issue. Yeah. It's the question I have for y'all is how big a gift do I get for Christmas? What you trying to get real talk? Realistically.

I mean, you can't get her $25 gifts or whatever. I'm thinking like $100. $100? Yeah, $150, $200. What if I just tell her we go to the Shook and I'm just like fucking- Go crazy. Go crazy. Put $250 in her hand and be like, oh, nuts.

Go have fun. And then just watch everybody at the Shook. Just go fucking crazy. They you. Put $250 in her hand and be like, oh, nuts. Go have fun. And then just watch everybody at the show. My luck, we had it. Just go fucking crazy. They just see those $250. Start running at her with Fanta orange. I think they like Fanta orange. Why not, Fanta?

Don't you want that? I had the biggest crush on the Fanta girls back in the day. Oh, yeah. Bitches. Fine. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I was like the pussycat dolls before the pussycat dolls.

Facts. I was like, yo, it was like the Fancy Girls and the Pussycat Dolls. Fancy Girls were bad at the top. Bad bitches. No, the Pussycat Dolls were ridiculously bad. Nicole was bad. I didn't remember the other one. Melody.

Melody Thornton. Yeah, but they'd be swapping them out, and you don't even realize. Don't even realize. They just keep Nicole in the front. As long as Nicole's cursing. Yeah. Cursing. Okay, so back to what we're saying though.

So what I've done in the past, on Valentine's, I got an ex... An abortion. So it was a trip to Puerto Rico. On the third day of Christmas, Alex gave to me three scoops in my pool seat.

Let's do the Alex Christmas song. On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me. On the first day of Christmas, Alex Media gave to me. One trip to the gyno. Wait. That's about it. Oh, and then it keeps going? You start with one, and it goes up.

It goes backwards, doesn't it? On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave, well, Alex Media gave to me. Scoop, scoop. That's your scoop, Scoop. A scoop, scoop in a pear tree. Is it a pear tree? What'd you say? Out of me?

Inside of me? What were your words before? I'm glad that you're butchering this shit. On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me. It's backwards, isn't it? Yeah. Partridge in a pear tree. And then you go to the.

You do it. On the first day of Christmas. A partridge in a pear tree. And then you go, two, and then, and then, and then, On the first day of Christmas, a partridge in a pear tree. Then on the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, two, two turtle doves

and a partridge. And then you go up and then back down. Yes. Okay. On the first day of Christmas, my true Alex gave to me, That's mad homo,

but I like it. Keep going. No, my Alex, I was about to say, youo, but I like it. Keep going. I'm about to say you like it. On the first day of Christmas, my Alex media gave to me. One trip to Sweden. And then you still say, in a partridge, in a pear tree, or no.

It's whatever you make the first one, son. You keep adding more as it goes on. I hate that I gotta play Christmas as a motherfucker. I don't got status! I don't gotta sing Christmas songs! I gotta be in a shuck! Come on, bro, help me.

Sing that shit, Akash. Let's go. Here you go. There it is. On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me a partridge in a pear tree. On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me a partridge in a pear tree. On the second day of Christmas, my Alex Media gave to me two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree. And then we're going to substitute those things with Alex Media stuff.

Yeah. On the first day of Christmas, my true love. Should we do the things that he's not going to get for Christmas? On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me. It skips to the fourth day of Christmas instead. Oh, there's no third? There's a third right here. Yeah.

No, but it says on the fourth right above it for no reason. On the fourth day of Christmas. Oh, somebody pushed it. God damn it. Listen, we had a good one with the terrorists And this one kind of flopped We did the best that we possibly could We tried to incorporate the singing I didn't know the song

At least we got out of there early just like Alex What you do is just get her a gift That she'll use on the trip Or that she can show off to her friends Can I get her another mouth? I don't know if you want... Merry Christmas, babe. Here's an esophagus.

Let me tell you how I know you're a rookie in a relationship. Because that second mouth doesn't get used for talking. Exactly. I'm like, yeah, he's new here. He's the last single I get money to do another mouth, yo. What? Hey, man. That's funny.

You better return that shit for two years. She can listen to herself. Wait, what are you saying now? Go. So you just get her a present For something she can use on a trip So when I got A vacation of Puerto Rico I just bought a bathing suit

So I should get her like a Burka or something I get a Cleopatra costume Son What if I got her a full Whatever that is Yup

I don't know what the fuck I don't know That's how women dress up That's how you say What if I got her a full... Whatever that is, yep. I don't know what the fuck. I don't know. We let our women dress up. That's how you say... What? We let our women wear what they want. You've never seen an Indian woman wear what they want. You've got different color saris.

Yeah. But it's the same shit. You just show shoulder. I don't... They're covered. The Indian women are covered. Nah, sorry. You show a little bit.

Lenga, you show a little bit. The Lenga? Yeah. Lenga. Lenga. Lenga? Yeah. Anyway.

You know how they express themselves with them temporary tattoo shit? Hannah? Fuck this motherfucker. I don't want to marry him, buddy. Whoa. It's in so much detail, you can't see it. Is there a message there? Yeah. Yeah, everyone. Fuck this motherfucker. I ain't gonna marry him but it's it's in so much detail you can't see it is there a message there yeah yeah everyone

fuck this motherfucker I ain't gonna marry him do you think it is okay so maybe I get her something maybe I get her like a little pashmina couple hundred or something

yeah right these are these are cool get a little pashmina yeah whatever she can show off to her friends

outside of the trip in in the what's it called? In Egypt. That's a great thing. So here's a cool little fucking... Your girlfriend's like, granted...

Headscarf or some shit. No bullshit. Right. Because I told her this. I was like, yo, we're going there. And she's super respectful. She understands other cultures.

But I was like, we're going there and we need to be like, safe and shit like that. You know what I mean? So it's like, I'm going to treat you like they treat their women. Out of respect for them.

So just keep in mind, if I suggest something and then you give any pushback, you're going to get a couple of melchilem. Yeah. Okay? Son, my family friend went to Dubai. And she's doing very well in whatever business she's in. And she took her husband. It was like a work trip.

And these motherfuckers could not understand that she was the one with the job. And then it brought her to Dubai. They would go to restaurants, and they would ask the husband what she wants to eat. I love that. It was so fucking funny. I love that. Son, I kind of get annoyed when they let her try the wine, not me. You know when you order a bottle of wine or something like that?

They give you a little taste. And sometimes they put it right in front of my girl. And I'll look at the waiter and I'll take that shit out of her hands and I'll put it in front of me. Because if I'm paying for this shit, I'm going to be deciding. I take a little sip and then I let my girl Taste and be like Should we get that one Because I know nothing about wine

But don't disrespect me Let me put that on her Yeah yeah yeah I get that You get that Yeah He gonna put the fucking bill In front of you

Oh You know what I mean You gonna put the wine In front of her But the bill in front of me I'm saying You trying to fuck my girl I think you missed The whole step in front of her but the bill in front of me. I'm saying. You trying to fuck my girl.

I think you missed the whole step. You just saw fuck my girl bro. I think there's like alright from the wine to the bill Nah.

You missed like an entire step from like Nah that way you were trying to fuck my girl. I think like He might have been though.

Son good luck. She just had risotto. That shit gonna stinky. It gonna be sticky, too. I love it get sticky. Okay, so in all seriousness. Yes.

Christmas presents. Christmas presents that she can use there. You feel that way. That's great. That's a great call. Now, you were fucked because you already gave her the Christmas present. So now I gotta buy her another Christmas present for how much? What is the limit?

And what do you expect from her? Silence. Oh, God. Hey, I'll give you gold if you give me golden ass silence. If my girl shut up for a week. One week. One week, pure silence, y'all. So explain this to me.

So she just keeps talking all the time or what? Yo, what's up? This is Akash. That was a preview of our Patreon episode. If you want the full thing, go to www.patreon.com slash flagrant2. Join the illest community on earth unless you're a social justice warrior. Then you're just going to ruin the fun.