Andrew Schulz's Flagrant with Akaash Singh - Mo Weekly

Episode Date: August 2, 2019

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I don't need no fucking qualms from you with your SeaWorld feet. First off, I came in flip-flops today, bro. That's not. What? What? That looks awful, dog. It really looks like you haven't washed in like a week. Yeah, Kaz.

Oh, boy. You don't have to put the flops on the table, too. Just put the socks. These are nice flip-flops, boy. You don't have to put the flops on the table, too. Just put the socks. They're nice flip flops, bro. Yeah, but they've been on the streets of New York. Come on, man. These are disgusting. I'm looking at the bottom of your feet, son.

I'd rather put his slides in those feet. Yeah, this is cute. You're not putting those fucking feet on my slides, bro. Come on, son. Come on. You can't see the bottom. Wow, those look. Like, try to look at the bottom.

You really look like you stepped in some sort of residue. It doesn't look like you stepped in shit. Are you still flexible enough to eat your toenails? I forgot to tell you. Are you still flexible enough to eat your toenails? I shit my pants today in the subway, bro. What? I shit my fucking pants today in the subway.

Dude, I don't know what I had yesterday, but it was making everything liquid. I'm going to the subway to get my international license so I could do Mario Karts in Tokyo. Nice. You can do Mario Karts on the streets of Tokyo if you have an international license. Okay.

Subway car doors open, right? I try to let out a fart. Oh, no. Oh, no. That's always my worst fear. I've been there. That shit bubbles and then I know it's liquid.

Right? It's mad hot in your ass all of a sudden. It's already mad moist and hot That shit bubbles And then I know it's liquid Right It's mad hot in your ass all of a sudden It's already mad moist and hot Cause I was wearing pants this day I was a heat advisor yesterday You're trying to shut the elevator door Before somebody can No elevator

Subway No I mean like your butthole Is like that elevator door So I Can you tighten up I I Can I tighten up I I

Can I tell the motherfucking story y'all Jesus Christ Go for it bro Can I get it Y'all can tag it after I tell it Let me get the shit out Jesus That's the problem

So So So I I fart And the doors open And I have a decision to make, which is walk all the way back to my apartment.

Yes. Which is another like five blocks. I'm going to be super late for the fucking, for the AAA thing to get the license. I'm probably not going to be able to do the AAA. I still got to do all this edit shit. And it was like just a little bit of poop. So I walked right in in let those doors close

and i fucking sat down on the shit that i did and the second i got out of the train i went to le pan quotidien i took a wild shit inside the pan quotidien how the drawers look it was dark at the bottom of your feet no it was dark already so it wasn't that's how you say le pan i've been calling that shit Le Pen quotient, son. I ain't know. Le Pen quotidien. That's how it's pronounced? Y'all know what it is?

I've never even tried to say it. Do you know which one I'm talking about? Yeah. It's like all wood inside? Yeah. The quarter bread? Is that what it means? Le Pen?

Le Pen quotient. Quotient. I don't know what that means. The bread. I know Au Bon Pain is the good bread. Oh, yes. So, la pancatociation. Whatever that quote shit means something.

Point is, at 35, I shit my pants today. And walked around all day with it. Bro, I shit my pants before this podcast one time. Did you? Yeah, I told the story on the Patreon. How do you guys shit your pants so much? You're adults. I don't get you.

I had a kombucha. You know, the probiotic. And I took a kombucha, you know, the probiotic, and I took a great shit. You know, you feel like mad, like empty, and you're like, oh,

this is great. And I got a 20 minute walk to the train. So I'm walking, and then I try to force out a fart, and I'm just like, oh, that's a bad,

that's a bad move. And then, you know, we had been so fucking strict about being on time, I had to decide. So I, I was late to the podcast. That was one of my exes.

I ran home because I was like eight minutes walk from home. Ran home, showered, changed, came back here late. You took a whole shower? Took a whole shower. Why? Bro, it was just too. I walked eight minutes with my ass like, you know what I mean? Doing this little side to side shuffle.

It's just not. It was too much. That's probably why I don't ship myself. It's like spread on my cheeks and shit it's like I should get in the shower hold on

you walk in cause you shit it out but then you gotta like walk and you're trying to not you know what I mean wait cause if you walk man regular it's going to

it's going to it's going to you know it's going to create a webbing of shit in between your butt cheeks. I don't know how much shit came out of you, bro. That's a lot of shit. That is a lot of shit.

It was shit in my pants, son. This probiotic gave me diarrhea. But you just did a whole push on the fart and the whole just shit came out? Not the whole shit because way more came out when I got on the toilet. What was the percentage of shit that came out at that moment? 8 to 10 probably. 10%? That's a lot of shit everybody stop ten percent of the shit that you were gonna take came out

maybe five hold on did it come out as a log no it came out as splatter splatter okay so it splatters out Yeah Right Yeah Hold on Temperature Son It was a lot Splatters out Them drawers got Thrown out in a

Community dumpster Them shits is gone You didn't even take it Back up to your Your house Or you took it back To the house Yeah yeah

Changed Put them in a Separate plastic bag Threw them out In the dumpster outside Did you change your pants Oh no no You wore the same

pants? Yeah, I wore the same pants. Come on, son. Oh, dude, that's way worse than my feet. No. You sat on that seat that has like an absorbent bottom? New drawers! It didn't get in my pants. The drawers went through the fucking pants, obviously. If I saw shit in my jeans. What type of drawers?

Boxer briefs. No, no, not the shit, you fucking idiot. The brand of drawers. Oher briefs. No, no, not the shape, you fucking idiot. The brand of drawers. Oh, Michael Jordan, Hanes. Nice. So the cheapest drawers. Hanes premiums. Hold on.

The cheapest drawers. They're cotton. They're cotton drawers. You had single ply toilet paper underwear, and you shit right through them. Aren't you just going to disrespect Hanes platinum like that? I'm like this Hanes slander right now, son. I have Haynes. I might have more, but I'm wearing Haynes.

That's what I shit in today. Them are shitty Haynes. It goes right through. Those are bad Haynes, dog. And you still got them on. No, no, these are different ones. You gotta change it up. You gotta change it up.

I didn't take a whole shower, dog. Why did I need to take a shower? Oh, you nasty son. It's nasty to wear the pants. They got some shit on it. Nah. How you figure no? Because at least-

Let me ask you a question. When you sweat on your undershirt, does it sometimes touch your shirt? Sometimes. And do you just put that shirt back in a clean part? I get what you're saying. You put that- I get what you're saying. I get what you're saying.

No, no, no. What do you do with that shirt? It was kind of nasty. What do you do with that shirt when it's got some sweat on it? I wash it. I wear that shit. What's wrong with y'all? So you wash.

No, I take it off. You take it off. And then it goes in a laundry. Right, because it's got some sweat. Yes. Right. Now imagine instead of sweat, it had a gump. Imagine.

A clump of doo-doo. A clump of Indian shit. Imagine a fucking biryani dump is just sticking to your fucking shirt. I caught you nasty, son. I caught you nasty, son. You was kind of nasty for that, bro. I stand by it. It's probably 10%.

I stand by it. 10% of a whole shit you put your... How do you shower out of cleanliness and then put your shit pants right back on? That makes no fucking sense whatsoever. You disgusting fucking mongrel. I'm going to be honest. I'm a fucking mole rat. I don't remember

I don't remember washing those jeans any time. Any time like after. Like it wasn't like I don't remember washing them in the next week.

Is that one of your Subies? No, no, no. I got those later. I bought, like, I don't remember watching that in the next week. Which jeans are they? Because I want your Subis? No, no, no. I got those later. Which jeans? I bought those later. I don't remember. I honestly don't. Lies.

He knows. This motherfucker knows. He knows the brand of, he knows the way he was walking home. He knows everything about that outfit. But you don't remember the jeans? Honest, of the four jeans I own, I don't know which one I own. You got a 25% chance of getting it right. I own six pairs of jeans.

Now, back then you didn't have some Seabasubis. Either black or khaki. I don't remember. So one out of two. Is your black or your khaki? I think it was them khakis, bro. I think you've been wearing fecal matter khakis on this podcast and two other events. That was too polite. Fecal matter? Fecal matter khakis On this podcast And two other events That was too polite

Fecal matter Fecal matter khakis Alright It's Friday I'm just saying I already used doo doo I already used shit I already used

All the other ones I felt I was running out So Let me tell you something So I do not remember Washing those khakis ever So what's the khakis?

I don't know. I don't know if it's the khakis or the black pants. It's probably one of those two. It was one of two. It was khakis or black pants. Oh, wow, bro. This is a good talk, though. I don't know how y'all shit yourselves.

When's the last time you washed your pair of jeans? Bro, that shit is gay, dog. You don't wash your jeans, son. I swear. That shit is super gay. I did not know I was supposed to wash jeans up until I was three years old. I only wash them when they get baggy. I don't wash jeans for cleanliness.

I wash them for fit. Aesthetics. So if they don't fit no more, I'm like, I need to wash these. Wait, so then how long have you guys owned? Like,

what's the oldest pair of jeans you have? I've had jeans for over a year that I haven't washed 100%. You guys? I usually wash once a year. Once a year. What's that i just really didn't know you're supposed to wash jeans like it's it gives a character bro like why would you want to wash the character off your jeans? What's the oldest pair of jeans you got right now? What's that?

You got some shit from high school, bro? From high school? You never washed jeans? Nah, I clearly don't feel them shits no more. Would your family not wash jeans? Was your mom against it? No, my mom would wash jeans all the time. I was like, why would you do that? That's probably why he don't wash his jeans.

Mom, you're ruining his jeans! As soon as they came out, they look like they go from like if I bought clothes my mom had to wash all the money where she was so excited yeah it's not horrible logic but it's like yo what's the worst that could happen like you're gonna hit that one person who tried the pair of jeans on that had AIDS or something? Well, they'd be coming from places with AIDS, bro. That's the thing. It's more dangerous.

The shit came before AIDS, but that's a valid point. What do you mean? My mom got here in 1970. Does India have AIDS? Oh, yeah. Really? We got that shit. We got that shit We got that shit on smash bro

You said it like if somebody asked if Chipotle got guac You're like yeah we got that shit We got plenty of guac Yo who would fuck an Indian To give them AIDS though That's what's shocking to me What non-Indian would fuck an Indian girl To give them the AIDS?

Oh, my God. Al, was it you, bro? Get the fuck out of here. Don't put AIDS on me. I'm already Mr. Scoop Scoop. That's how he gets his Scoop Scoop. He's like, you don't want to wait, baby, baby. Yo, I'm totally playing.

Al does not have AIDS. His HIV is what you get first. It's what causes AIDS. Oh, man. Al ain't got shit. Al ain't got shit. Let me be generous. But seriously,

is there an AIDS problem out there in India? Oh, hell yeah. Really? We got that? I don't know, but still, the last documentary I saw was like seven, eight years ago. So there's... No jokes whatsoever.

It's an actual epidemic out there? It's a problem. They just reported, India, that they got 3,000 more tigers. So, how they figured out how to you know fix that problem but not seems like a simple they increase the tiger population but not the gay population that's curious to me about india bro wait how they not increase the gay population? Would they be dying of AIDS? Oh.

Isn't that... Seems like an easy fix to me, bro. What's the easy fix? Feed them to the tigers. That's what I'm saying. You're crazy, Kaz. Kaz, you're crazy. A lot of tigers, a lot of gays, a lot of AIDS. They really did increase the amount of tigers.

You didn't read that? Nah. That's what's up, though. No, there was a declining tiger population. That shit is up to 3,000 now. And the Indian president had a whole press conference about that shit. Son, we don't all read Homo Weekly, all right? Where the fuck can you get your news from?

Like, where the fuck is it? Son. Homo Weekly. Homo Weekly. Homo Weekly Homo Weekly Yo We don't all read Homo Weekly I'm not gonna lie That shit was really funny bro

I can't even not laugh at it Yeah yeah Homo Weekly Who's on the cover of Homo Weekly? Let's see what these homos up to this week.

Yo, what's up? This is Akash. That was a preview of our Patreon episode. If you want the full thing, go to www.patreon.com slash flagrant2. Join the illest community

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