Andrew Schulz's Flagrant with Akaash Singh - Punch Your Dad ft. Mike Cannon

Episode Date: February 4, 2020

This week Andrew and Akaash are joined by comedian, Mike Cannon! They discussed: Super Bowl LIV, the spread of the "Corona" virus, punching your own family members, Kobe's Legacy, why the earth is flat, crazy conspiracy theories, and much more. INDULGE!!! Check out more of Mike's work below: Instagram/Twitter - @IAMMIKECANNON The Irish Goodbye Podcast -@IRISHGOODBYEPODCAST Want an extra episode a week? Become a PATRON Patreon.com/FLAGRANT2

What up everybody Real quick if you're watching on YouTube Yeah you see something a little different We out here in LA Akash Singh myself We're at the Fighter and Kid Studios Cause we need a place to do it And the good people over here at the Fighter and Kid

Always provide good looks Appreciate you Brendan If you guys don't know about the Fighter and the Kid Make sure you check it out Brendan Shaw, Brian Callen, Chin, Cat. Got a great, great podcast, so go peep that. A little bit later, in a few minutes,

we're going to have our episode with Mike Cannon, hilarious comic in New York. Great time. But one thing that we did was record that before the Super Bowl, and Akash and I thought it was only right to the assholes out there that we provide some Super Bowl commentary. Hell yeah.

So, Akash, you predicted this Chiefs victory, is that right? Yeah, I didn't think they'd win by 11, but I thought it'd be close, and I thought the Chiefs had a better shot of winning than the Niners did. Right. Because of Patrick Mahomes versus Jimmy Garoppolo. Yeah, they kind of exposed Garoppolo. Yeah. Did you see that pic going around where his eyes were closed? Throwing the...

No. Yeah, that's great. I think there... Maybe it was him or another quarterback or it was a weird thing. Oh, no, it was a tennis player. Every time they hit the ball, they closed their eyes. Oh. But maybe that was a thing with Garoppolo where he just, like, he locks on and throws

and then there's some weird tick where he blinks. Yeah. But, yeah, I don't know, man. I think once he got knocked around a little bit in the fourth quarter, you saw him struggle. Yeah, he got skirt. Yeah got knocked around a little bit in the fourth quarter you saw him struggle yeah he got skirt yeah he got a little skirt and it was happening in my homes too until that long that third and 15 changed everything he grabbed his balls and went for it but yeah like he he was he played like a real fucking man because he was struggling that first half yeah first three and a half quarters really yeah he went for it yeah yeah he really fucking

went for it um i thought it was a good game it was a great game i enjoyed the game i'm glad reed got one because that totally changes the narrative listen you don't know who reed is andy reed is the coach of the kansas city chiefs yo can we back this up for a second did you know that kansas city was in kansas sorry in missouri everybody's making fun of trump about this tweet you saw that tweet most of y that tweet? Most of y'all didn't know. Y'all didn't know that that's where it is. And also, why is it? Why is it? Why is Kansas City not in Kansas?

Does anybody know that? Did somebody come on this podcast and explain it to us? Jeremiah Watkins explained it to us, I'm pretty sure. I've been to both. I heard the Missouri one is lit and the Kansas one is trash. How you don't even have the best Kansas City?. How you don't even have the best Kansas City? How Kansas City don't even have the best Kansas City? It's just, it's crazy.

So it's like, it's not crazy for him to think that it's in Kansas because most of y'all just found out about that today, right? Yeah. I mean, did you think for the longest time that that's where it was? I would hear it's in Missouri and then I forget it's in Missouri because it's called Kansas City. Yeah. And there's no other thing I could think of. Mexico city is not in motherfucking argentina that's a fact i mean like it's in mexico exactly right yeah what else new york new york not

in fucking new york is in new york new york city is in new york yeah not new jersey the only confusing one is washington dc but they got a d.C. at the end. It's not Washington City. Washington. He's the president of the United States. That is the basic minimum of what he should know. He's not the president of the fucking National Football League. He's not the president of geography. Son.

Okay? He's a human being. I don't know about that either. He's a human being. Wow. I don't know about that either. Wow. That's a stretch. I'll be honest. If I was him, I'd say, first thing we're doing to make America great again, we're going to put Kansas City back in Kansas.

That's what I would do. Honestly? That's what I would do. If I'm him? You'll get my vote. Real talk? I go, hey, I got one more thing I'm adding to the platform this year. Kansas City?

Going back where it's supposed to be. You're not going to take other fucking state cities. So I was one of the ones making fun of him because I didn't. We look like we're in a MAGA hat. Son. I didn't know it was Missouri. But then I show Mark

the tweet this morning and he's like what's wrong with it? This guy's not even from America. So then I felt less. I was like okay, people can make this mistake. So then I felt less. I was like, okay, people can make this mistake. Like, he really looked at it.

Like, he studied for a while. He's like, uh, I don't think I got it at first either. He was looking for like a confifi.

You were looking for a spelling mistake. A lot of people still don't know what's wrong with that tweet. Or racist. I was looking for something racist.

First of all, we don't do that anymore. Anymore? There's no more no more race yo how about that trump commercial yo what do you say oh you didn't see the trump commercial during the super bowl oh i did on that alice johnson shit no what is that i didn't it was i talked about how alice johnson was a teacher who taught for 30 years and was wrongfully imprisoned blah blah blah they show this old black lady yeah and they said president trump pardoned her and then they have her going i just want to say thank you to president donald john trump and it's just like other candidates are talking about reform donald trump is actually doing it it was so fucking funny to

show the black woman that trump freed say you're welcome she was on death row or something i'll say you're welcome thank you kim kardashian that's really how he made that. So he just went straight, we're going to help black people. Yeah, I help black people. Not even we're going to, I help black people. I help black people. Does he think that they're all watching the Super Bowl? Probably.

Probably thinks they're playing in it, to be honest with you. Oh, what was that sound? That's the cup holder. Oh, shit. That shit got real pop uh you know but in all seriousness we have to admit we have to admit that one al prison reform think about it yeah don't you want to don't you want to reform yes i do okay all right that's number one you agree with Trump on.

Do you not agree with Trump? He's not doing prison reform. He's just partying a few people. That's reforming it. No, change the system. Once you change the system, then there you go. He's changing the system. The system is less black. Son, hold on.

Wait a minute. He made it less black. Son, he freed a girl. Women don't do crime. He freed a girl. Women don't do crime. Have you heard of Johnny Depp's ex? This murderous bitch?

What's her name? Amber Heard. Amber Heard. Amber Heard. Damn near cut his fucking finger off, dog. Damn near. That's not a full cut. Hey, listen.

If your girl cuts some shit off of you, you deserve to die. Like, yeah, Al. Like, for letting her do it. The Lorena Bobbitt, you got a case. What was your argument? You're saying if you let your girl cut a fucking finger off of you and you ain't fucking, I mean, like. Low key, that might be the most maggoty ass shit I've ever heard in my entire life.

You let your girl get close to you, close enough to you with a knife and she actually snips a little. That bitch caught you, you slow ass. And you're going to try to stop your girl with a knife like this? Like, hey, halt. Excuse me. It ain't a wand. You're not fucking Harry Potter.

Real talk. Son, I got 30 pages left of that book. That shit is fire, yo. The last one. Deathly Hallows. Deathly Shallows. Shit is hot, yo. It's hallows, son.

Al, you read them books? Nah, I don't read. Son. Come on, Trump's trying to change that too, bro. You haven't seen this? What'd he do? He's trying to make black people read again word he got to start he did that spelling mistake he's like see gotcha reading that's how he switched that shit up anyway look we're not gonna do this

too long because we got a great episode with my man mike cannon uh good buddy of ours got a got a special out and. But any other thoughts about Super Bowl? I didn't think Patrick Mahomes should have got MVP. Who do you think should have got MVP? I think the running back,

Damian Williams. What about Shakira's? Shakira, beast, yo. That's the Latina Beyonce, yo. Son. Son. Stop it. Son.

Bruh, the way I'm, not even, she does look great, but even like as a performer, I never thought, I thought Beyonce was the only one who could dance and hold voice like that.

I don't think she was lip-syncing. Yes, she was. They were both of her. No, they weren't. I don't think so, yo. Oh, why you got a hate on Spanish women, son? Son, the Super Bowl, everybody lip-synced. No. Beyonce didn't.

She's the only one. How you make this sound lip-syncing? How is Beyonce the only one? Well, Beyonce, that's why. I might be wrong. Here's why I thought she did, because I was watching. But when she was doing the crowd surfing all of a sudden the singing stopped singing stopped son it's a performance son it's

a performance yo what about this the only thing she ain't lipstick was the and bro she hit that heel toe at the end that shit was clean yo can we talk about the what was she saying when she said that What was she saying when she said that? I don't know. I should know. Wait, you don't speak that shit? You don't speak that shit?

Yeah, it was a weird time when she had the people doing the African dance. She said that shit. She did, bro. The second they came up. She's shouting instructions. Yo. That's Swahili For hit that heel toe Damn son

So Shakira was low key Racista right there She might have been But did you like That hip movement Your girl ever drop it On you like that Yeah

No I don't actually remember What hip movement You're talking about But no You don't remember What hip movement That's this right here Oh that at the end

Oh yeah her and JLo What are you talk at the end the whole fucking performance son i think i'm doing it all right am i not jaylo or shakira shakira same your girl does it the same like shakira yeah yeah i'm shakira i think shakira is hotter than jaylo oh that's what you're asking i thought you were just saying we're, does your girl do it like Shakira? He's asking that. Yeah, absolutely. I still want to stay on her good side. Wait, you think they do it the same?

My girl doesn't do it like Shakira. How does she do it? My girl does it more like one of them rides outside the grocery store that costs a quarter. Do you know what's more of that but shakira's that's on a different level yeah let me just uh look at that look at it but wait till she hit it though to the side snap your dick straight off. She still got old dicks in her. She in her 40s.

You don't think Shakira got old dicks in her? She got a couple old dicks. Isn't she married to a soccer player or something like that for like 15 years? Pique. Is that how you say it? Pique. Gerard Pique.

Yeah, we went over this yesterday okay alright you fucking dork look we gotta stop this cause we'll just be in here all day yeah

and we got an we got an episode yo we're doing a dope Patreon the Patreon episode Akash brought his homies out we got some cool we got a doughboy and

kev on stage coming on for the page and ratchet yo right and ratchet alex any super bowl thoughts um i was asleep for the first half i woke up to j-lo shaking it so that was a good oh you literally woke up as she started shaking so i woke up i woke up saying damn from snoring to damn it was seamless you know it was interesting because we were talking about betting on the last patreon yeah patrick mahomes cost people a bunch of money why by kneeling down at the end but he didn't kneel down at the end he threw a pass the last one no no but that was at the end of the game he prayed so yeah yeah so there was an over under on a prop bet for like 36 rushing yards at the end of the game he prayed that's what you're talking

about right when he prayed at the end of the game he prayed. That's what you're talking about, right? When he prayed at the end of the game? No. Oh, okay. There was an over-under for Patrick Mahomes for rushing yards for like 36. And he had like 40 or something like that. But at the end of the game, to kneel, to like waste enough time, he had to take the snap and then run backwards. He did that on third, not fourth. He lost like 20 yards. Every time he kneeled, he would go back a bunch of yards.

Yep. So his rushing yards went from like 40 to like 20 or whatever. And the over-under was at like to like 20 or whatever and the over under was at like 36 or 20 or whatever it was. But a bunch of people who bet the over ended up losing money

just because he knelt at the end. Yeah. Take that you losers. Betting on rushing. Can you believe that? He's rushing? Yes.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. I need you to take five minutes. I need you to take five minutes. I need you to take five minutes. You damn criticized Trump over Kansas

and you just thought that Patrick Rahomes was from Russia, bro? I mean, he's half white. His half white could have been Russian. You think? It could. Akash? I don't think so, bro.

Yeah. Take that. That was a good one. I'm sorry sorry i got no defense for that anyway yo uh thank y'all listen let's uh without further ado let's start the episode anything else you want to say about this no i think that's basically all the notes i had let's go i mean like it was that performance you know what i mean garoppolo did what garoppolo was gonna do i called it you did call it in the beginning i don't believe in these motherfuckers you didn't believe in it garoppolo ain't winning a ring.

I called Kansas City, I'm pretty sure, at the beginning of the season. You did? And then doubled down midway through. And fucking Richard Sherman got bodied on that final drive.

Ooh, he did. Twice. Ooh. It was kind of rough. Darrell Revis was so happy, yo. He was coming on himself. He was jerking off with the one hand

he got a ring on. Without further ado, Mike Cannon, ladies and gentlemen. Guys, Mike Cannon just revolutionized the comedy world by taking an idea

that already exists. It's how detached we all are. You know how they say the best ideas are the ones that everybody could have thought of? It's exactly that. It's the best idea. None of us thought of it.

Thousands of comics throughout human history. Thousands of failed comedy. No one thought of this. No, no. It already exists. Oh, for comedy. That's what makes it even simpler. Hey, this idea is right next door.

Why don't we just move this to comedy? I thought Alamo Drafthouse has a comedy club. So they do in DC and then Arlington. What if we never told people what it was? We just talked about the idea for an hour and a half. But they don't even do that. So they don't do what they do for the movies, which is in Brooklyn. They have the slip of paper.

The waitress gives you the spiel up front, and this is what you do. This is how you order. Everything else is silent, right? So it's not to disrupt the movie. In a comedy club club it would be perfect because conversation is a killer especially in small rooms yeah where it's like typically a kill box but then a waitress talks to three people and it's so obvious to the rest of the crowd that it takes them out of the moment what is that game also what is the game mind sweeper minecraft

minecraft mine sweeper mine sweeper what's the one i'm thinking with the boxes yeah we click the box and you explode the ones around it that is talking at a comedy club that's perfect one person, eight other people start talking or eight other people are distracted they can't hear and then when the room is 80 people

which can be great like the best in a lot of ways now you take away 20% it's like the comedy coronavirus it just infects one and then spreads. I love how when we get any virus, we just immediately go to China.

Chances are right. They shut down like seven cities. Wait, they did? They're not letting people in or out. Yeah, but that's China. We act like there's something different. It's like, there's a virus in North Korea. Yeah, but that's China. We act like there's something different. It's like there's a virus in North Korea. Turns out nobody can go and no one can leave. As opposed to the typical freedoms that China represents.

What were you about to say to our guys? I don't remember. Who cares? So the idea. Our guys almost got high again, by the way. Our guys had two CBD gummies, right? I know they had the THC in them. I'm ready. There's, by the way. Yeah, almost did. Our guys had two CBD gummies, right? It is in his hand. I know they had the THC in them.

I'm ready. There's like five in a pack, and I'm ready. I haven't eaten breakfast. I'm like, I'll eat all these. I don't give a fuck. Probably won't be hungry. I ate those THC in them. I'd have been gone.

Buddy, there is no better way to start your day than with a high dose of truth. That would have been fantastic, because because also edibles absorb through your body at like a rate that is maybe 50 times more than smoking. So you would have been just here with your pupils the size of your forehead. Wait a minute. It's faster? No, it's more potent. That's why when you had the

whatever, everybody's like, I had like a fourth of the Tootsie Roll and I'm like, what the fuck? Well, you know, human beings, I think they're the only animal. There might be one or two other that is totally gay. But also that has cannabinoids that are in, cannabinoid receptors that are in your body and their sole

function is to receive cannabis. And process cannabis. Wait, really? Is that a fact? Yeah, that's a fact. Yeah. It sounds too weedhead to be true. Well, here's the thing about Mike, our guest Mike Cannon, which I will introduce properly probably halfway through the show but we'll get there we're in a nice little rhythm but we have a couple things we're going to talk to you about uh later in this episode before we get through your idea that i still don't think we've explained

classic flavor to the most revolutionary comedy in Oh gosh, how was that CBD comedy? Oh gosh, almost got high. Let's talk about it. It's just almost. The whole episode is freak up. You never really get to the nut.

So, but, wait, what was it? Who cares? No, no, we care.

You can't have an anointing reception. Oh no, no, no, no. You ate one of those gummies.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, Cannon is, had a conspiracy theory podcast. Deep inside the rabbit hole. Yeah, he had them. So Cannon is, he had a conspiracy theory podcast. Deep Inside the Rabbit Hole? Yeah, sure.

Five, ten years ago, like way before it was, I would say, popular to be a conspiracy theory. Way before we realized they were all right. We were talking. Way before we realized

Alex Jones was like 90% right. Which was our logo. We were just doing the whole right thing. Wait, really? No, no. But that is an Illuminati symbol, actually. Well, that's also the Flaker 2 symbol. Let's go, cute type.

Hell yeah. But go on, go on. But yeah, we were talking fake news. So when fucking Mike Conley Jr. hits a three and he's doing this, he's shouting out the Illuminati? I believe so, yeah. That's right. We only claim the successful people.

That's the interesting thing. It's like tons of losers have been throwing up that fucking sign and nobody's like oh he's connected yeah and then beyonce does it's like i knew it well that's her success tim dylan has that great joke i'm not sure if he does it anymore but he's like if you want to work in like a low-income job like all of the poorest people are the ones that talk about the illuminati it's not it's not rich people it's just poor people talking about everybody running, the elites running things. It can't be your fault. But yeah, we're talking fake news, lamestream media like six, seven years ago.

Yeah. Okay, so we're going to go over conspiracies with you later that we have some curiosity about. Mike is also an avid drug user, so we're going to get to that as well. But back to your idea about comedy clubs. Now, one of the issues we're talking about, Kyle, because obviously is the distraction of taking orders paying checks right every time a waitress comes to a table she talks it's a full-on conversation yes also usually they don't understand that they're blocking people's line of sight so there'll be some ostrich ass bitch just standing right in front of the stage and everybody's looking at that person instead of the comic behind or in a full 90 degree bend so people are looking

at her birth canal as opposed to the fucking show yeah yeah i got into like i'm probably talking about this on the podcast but like i banished a waitress at the uh at the philly helium yeah she kept on walking in the front row which is her job right to service the front row and it just i just wasn't really having that much fun and you know when the audience isn't giving you as much as what you want to yell at the guy you This is when you yelled at the guy? You got to take, I probably yelled at the guy. There was just a lot going on.

I got in a fight with the guy from Six Flags, the old man looking like guy. And then I fucking, and then this waitress kept on going back and forth. And then she did the fucking thing that annoys me the most. If I'm talking to a fucking table. Oh my God. Don't ask them their order. Yeah. Of all the people. Yeah. So I was like, you got to a fucking table. Oh my God. Don't ask them their order. Yeah. Of all the people.

Yeah. So I was like, you got to go over there. And then she came back and I was like, no, no, you're over there for the rest of the show. She had a drink and I was like, he'll be all right. You're over there for the rest of the show. It's a lost art that the clubs aren't even imposing on their staff. It's like, no, you got to teach them certain comedy.

I've heard the cellar, they're fucking ninjas. Yeah. I heard the way to the cellar. Yeah. They're really good. But a lot of places, I mean, you know, I'll even say my name. And they'll tell people to shut the fuck seller, they're fucking ninjas. Yeah, they're really good. They're really good. But a lot of places, I mean, you know, I'll even say it by name. And they'll tell people to shut the fuck up, which is nice. Oh, nicely, yeah.

It's not just the bouncer. That's amazing. Everybody will tell you to shut the fuck up at the seller. Dude, I mean, during my special, right in the front row were two dudes that were just speaking full volume Mandarin, like during the second show. So I already got it and i but they

were like like fish market volume mandarin like they're the fucking aliens from mars attacks like that that that's all i could hear in my head to the point where i was like what like i i finally like literally lowered myself it's part of the credits and i was like what the fuck is going on and we had this exchange and then i found out later that they were at the VU because they thought it was a music venue. And they were non-English speaking people that came over from China. And they had no idea. They were like, what is this asshole talking about? Oh, they were Asian?

They thought I was doing an hour long introduction. Oh, I didn't hear the Mandarin. Oh. Yeah, yeah. How is that funny without the context of them being Chinese? Well, I just figured the fish market, you yell, right?

Like that wicked tuna. They're all yelling. They kind of sound like the Mars attacks. Quack, quack, quack. Yeah, yeah. This is, I think it plays with Boston.

Okay, fair enough. Anyway, so. But they just thought it was a, they thought it was a music venue and they thought I was giving like

an extra long and passioned introduction to whatever band How long have we been doing this, Alex? Eight minutes. Still no idea. Let's keep it going. Let's keep it going.

So the idea. You were saying something about remove the Jews from the comic, right? It was like write their names on a paper. Write their names. You put the paper. You're taking this get rid of the industry thing a little bit too far. A little bit too far. Write their names on it. You put the paper... You're taking this get rid of the industry thing a little bit too far. A little bit too far. Write their names on paper, put it

on their sleeve. That's why I believe... You're trying to dig Ari out of his hole. That's why I believe Hitler was a scorned artist because he just hated the Jews. These guys won't give me a career I just want some management Fuck

That's how I felt when I aged out of MTV I got 17 gray hairs And they're like we have no use for you That's right you went gray early Oh yeah quick in the game But you're full gray Now I'm full gray yeah I look like Cisco No no what I mean by full gray What I mean by full gray is full head of hair.

Right. But it's gray. Yeah, yeah. Which is crazy, though, because I have friends who are white, and they are hanging on for dear life to their hair. They have that abandoned lot hair, and they're like, dude, you're going gray. Detroit neighborhood hair? Yeah, dude.

It's like. That shit is kind of there, but it's not really. It's like dead dandelion head where you're like, I can make a wish and blow your hair right off your head. Fuck out of here. Your hair was buried on an Indian graveyard. Get out of here. So they feel more confident that they're like 12 brown and your full head of hair is gray.

Yeah, they're a little gray as they sweep over. They're four Homer Simpson hairs. Yeah, I think you just need to keep the hair. I think that's the move. I don't really think it matters what color. Once you're over a certain age. If you're gray in late teens, early 20s, it's annoying. But he went full gray.

Full gray looks great. What I'm saying, per age. He's got the Rodney Sterling. Per age. Yeah. So if you're 18 with full gray, it doesn't fit. I prefer Donald Sterling, I think. Yeah.

But if you're 22 with full hair gray, it doesn't fit. 30 above full gray. Killing the game. Doesn't matter. Killing the game. Yeah. It's weird your beard isn't gray at all. I have a little wisp in the bottom.

My beard is gray, brown, and red. Dude, take it off. Yeah, you look like a latte. It's the worst. It's just weird. It's like brown on the bottom, white on top. But you wouldn't be saying that if you saw my full Irish face. It's way too much face when I'm fully clean shaved.

Really? Yeah, it's just a white orb. It's like shapeless. It sucks. I don't think you face when I'm fully clean shaved. Really? Yeah, it's just a white orb. It's like shapeless. It sucks. I don't think you're shapeless. I appreciate it. No, this is a comic thing where you beat yourself up so much you have body dysmorphia. I think comics have dysmorphia about them. I think also once you go beard, no beard

all of a sudden it's just like, what the fuck am I looking at? Oh yes, you make yourself more attractive. That's our makeup. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's my contour. contour Yes it's your contour Yeah my Kylie contour It's so true I can't do that at all I have no

I can grow no beard But it's almost better Because if I I remember I shaved For like this thing For the NBC whatever Yeah And then the head of ABC

Stand up for diversity No no no It was like this Some dumb ass thing That never went anywhere Can you say what it is No I honestly don't remember It wasn't like It was like Maybe this could be a pilot But it wasn't don't some dumb ass thing they never went anywhere can you say what it is no i i honestly don't remember it wasn't like it was like maybe this could be a pilot but

it wasn't nbc did some dumb ass contest right try to pretend they cared about minorities anyway the head of abc who i'm still super cool with abc casting marcy phillips you know that's a marcy she saw a reel of mine she was like she was like get that she was like get that shit out and i was like why she was like you don't look and she's the sweetest lady. She's like, you don't look terminally ill, but you look like you just beat your terminal illness. And that's it. Never get rid of the beard.

That's a good go. And the medication dyed your eyes green. Yo, are you sure that's real about T.I.'s wife with the eyes? What? Have you heard this? Is it a medical condition? No, that she went to another country and they dyed her eyes a different color.

You can dye the actual. What they use. Some type of surgery, but it's permanent. She can't go back. That is horrendous. That is wild. Yeah. Only Filipino chicks in my high school.

We still haven't said what the idea is, right? No, no, no. Okay. Let's just get the idea out. Let's just get the idea out. Let's just get the idea out. How long we gone? 12 minutes. 12 minutes.

Not that long. That's not, no, keep going. Good run. Anyway. So the idea is essentially stop making the waitresses take orders. Just write it on the fucking piece of paper. Right.

All the options are there. Yeah. It's kind of like those sushi restaurants. It's like. Yes. They know they don't speak English. So, and we know we just want the sushi. We're going to point anyway.

If we're going to point anyway, why don't you just let us circle, and then we hand it to you, and then that's done. And you made a great argument. You're like, it's not like they're getting tipped based on their service. Or their charm. Or their charm. Exactly. And that's why I kind of don't understand when waitresses at comedy clubs have attitudes. It's because you have the easiest waitress job.

You don't have to charm. Most clubs do auto gratuity. Most clubs do auto gratuity. And if it's a great club, it's packed multiple times a night. It's like, what could you possibly complain about? It's built in money. Guarantee you walk there,

you can have a stank attitude and it's almost kind of like charming. I'm the one who's a bitch. Right? Like, isn't that a new thing that's happening with the waitresses? I'm the bitchy one. I keep it real with my customers. No.

You know, there's a study that said the crueler waitresses are like the meaner ones get tipped more. Yeah. Why? How insecure are we that we're trying to win over the waitress? After the meal. Like, what happened to the service industry? I hope that waitress likes me. It's white people.

That wiener circle video went viral. This white guilt thing about tipping each other all the time. I had never tipped less than 20%. You used to be 15 when I was a kid. It was 15. Now it's 20 or you're an asshole? 20 is the minimum. And then white people are tipping 25.

Fuck you. No, no, I don't do 25. That's obnoxious, yo. I don't do 25. One of my favorite things about my girlfriend is she doesn't tip for coffee for baristas. Oh, no. No you. No, no, I don't do 25. That's obnoxious, yo. I don't do 25. One of my favorite things about my girlfriend is she doesn't tip for coffee for baristas.

I see that way. Done. You know there's the done? It goes 15, 20, 25. Done. She just goes right for it. It's an overinflated price anyway. Why am I tacking

a cup of coffee? Yeah, why am I tacking a bill onto that? Son, again, I don't know a single minority who makes it a point to tip. I think every one of us is probably like, no, come on. That's a coffee.

If you get like five or six and you're working, I'll give you a dollar. How did the rest of you get away with having no stereotype about not tipping? Like black people have that. Indians got that. There's just not enough of you to where it's like. If you ask a waiter or waitress, they'll be like, oh, yeah, they don't tip. And we'll be like, yeah, that's fine. Black people are like, no, that's bullshit.

I think Indians are like, yeah, we don't. Why would we? You know the difference, though, is I think Indians, like, you know you should tip and then you don't. And I think that there's a lot of black people who are just like, hey, you give them a few dollars. Like, I remember going out to dinner with Charlamagne like nice steak dinners and it was like yeah i left 20 bucks and i was like no no it's a percentage of the meal no and we've had this discussion we've had this discussion on the podcast no but then he breaks it down he goes they just brought the plate to the table i'm like you're right yeah no no what you're describing is right but for whatever

reason it's a percentage of the meal and he's literally breaking down in like the most genius way. Why tipping stupid? He goes, but the restaurant decide the prices. The work is the same. Like he's just breaking one by one. I would rather the prices be reflective of what the tip should be. The weight of the plate. Yeah.

Weigh the plates. Weight of the plate. Weight of the plate. Weight in number. 16 ounce steak. Different than eight ounce. 100%. That's a balancing act.

Look, you could fit two in one hand. Caviar? I gotta tip more for caviar than I do for a fucking awesome blossom of chilies? Yes! Suck my dick, yo! Suck my dick, waiter! Have you ever had to carry, have you waited tables? No.

I have. I spent tons. Dude. Years. I was a food runner for one day, and the guy was like, hey, you want to try me out? And he was like, you can have this job if you want. I was like, that's cool, man. I don't think it's for me. He's like, you're a brown. You'll get it.

I was like, I don't think it's for me. Is surprisingly incapable of most things. Most things. That's wild. That's shocking, because he's a supremely intelligent guy. This is a really smart guy. When you ask him to do something, he is quite possibly the stupidest person

I've ever seen. I mean, I think that was a bit harsh. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Like incapable on a level that borders retarded. No, no, no, no, no, no.

Retarded? Because here's the thing about retarded people. No, here's the thing about retarded people. A guy with feelings. They're like pets where you can train them

over and over again and then they know how to feelings. They're like pets where you can train them over and over again, and then they know how to do the activity, right? If you just train them over and over again, right? But the thing about Akash is his brain is only wired to know a few things, right? Very well. Really wired. Saving money. Men's rights.

Making people laugh. Men's rights, right? Okay? Making his girlfriend happy, right? And he's good at three out of those four things. Okay? But that's how his brain... He's like Ted Bundy with things, okay?

There's only a certain amount... Ted Bundy? Al Bundy. Al Bundy. Ted would get it done. Ted's efficient. Ted's good at a lot of shit. Or maybe only really good at a few.

Maybe I'm Ted Bundy. So look, he goes, we'll see with your girl. Prove it. So it will be something like, Akash, can you sweep that dust and those papers over there just into a dustpan? Nah, bro. And you will see Akash. He's struggling. There are certain people who know how to sweep right

Yeah, you take the little sweeper and then you grab the broom and then you just sweep like this Akash has vined his arm around the broom wrong to get leverage and he's like Shoving shit. It's going off in the sides and you're looking at him. You're just like Are you like what who are you? What are you? What am I dealing with? Like, I don't even understand what to say. I don't understand what to say. Book an airline ticket right now.

That's a different thing. Listen, I don't know my JetBlue number. There's a lot of things going on with that. Bro, we're different. We're the same beast. You're a fucking genius. Son, I never said that i'm good at all these things i couldn't drop box i tried to drop box yesterday with alex right next to me

he was he was trying for a minute all the fucking all the comics are around fucking idol and shit and i'm just whispering out yo how do you how you drop boxes yeah i need to send this video over there how you fucking drop box i put a video on ig from drop box and ed was like yo how did you do that because no one else can figure it out I need to send this video over to Ed and how you fucking Dropbox. I put a video on IG from Dropbox and Ed was like, yo, how did you do that? Because no one else can figure it out. Ed and Kaz just cannot figure it out.

It's mad simple. I don't know how to do it, but I know how to sweep, you fucking asshole. Hey, buddy, get an upgrade on an airline one day that you didn't have to pay for. That's something I didn't,

I don't know how to do. And it's also something I've committed to not learning. Yeah. I don't know how to do it. Why would you learn I've committed to not learning. Yeah. I have a lot of that. Why would you learn something that could save you thousands of dollars? I can hire. I can hire someone to do that.

I can hire. What are Mexicans? It's so funny that you. They not exist? The money you save, you pay the difference in hiring. Hold on one second. Hold on one second. Mexicans do exist.

Okay. Sweep, sweep, sweep. That's what I'm saying. I can hire them. I know. Maybe I, sweep, sweep. That's what I'm saying. I can hire them. I know. Maybe I should be doing that. You have to hire Asians way more expensive. That's a much higher

exchange rate. Asians are top tier Mexicans. No, I gotta... Harvard Mexicans. Dude, I need a Harvard Mexican. I really need a fucking Harvard Mexican mexican dude no it's i got the delta app yo just sudden just now though like he's been flying for years is pulling up to the fucking gate every time and And he got his app on his phone with the ticket.

And I'm still unfolding this piece of paper from my hoodie pocket that's on my stomach. And the lady got to press it all hard and passive aggressive against the machine. She's obsessed. She got to touch my ticket. She's unwrinkling it, rubbing it against the Scantron. Like it's a bill trying to get into an arcade game. Yes, she's furious at me that I got this old ticket still. And Alex just boop and going in.

And low-key, I think Alex has been taking my miles with his fucking... That's what you think, because you don't know how miles work, yo. He's taking my miles, because he got fucking access to the Delta Lounge. I just found out about the Delta Lounge. I've been had access with this for the Amex. He's had the Amex Platinum for years. Yo, bro, you got access.

I got it because it's silver. You got access. That's the only reason. It's silver. It's so cool. It's silver. Son, I gotta impress these waitresses.

I gotta win them over. Son, yo, when you get a heavy credit card, that shit. Yeah, yeah. If it clinks on the table. Bro, ooh, that's the big dick.

Take that shit to Europe where they don't even have tips, so there's no way to impress them. And you drop that, and they're like, they fucking hold it up. They're like rotating. Bro, it's magic to them. But anyway, that's what I'm saying. I'm retarded about some shit. I'm not denying that. Same to same, like they say in India.

What is it? Same to same. Same to same. not denying that. Same to same. Like they say in India. What is it? Same to same. Same to same. Same to same. Same to same. All right, guys. You already know. Fourth show.

Final show for the special taping in LA. Tickets on sale. There's a few tickets left. So go get them while they're still available. If you want to be part of that, I appreciate y'all so much for even getting us to four shows. This is absolutely insane. We're on the road to the special right now, so we're going to Hawaii

this week. That's going to be crazy. We're going to do two shows of the Blue Note out there, so come on out if you're on the islands. Raja, come on out and check out those shows. And then after that, we are back on tour at TheAndrewSchultz.com. You can get all the cities that we're going to be at, but it's going to be a fun next couple months. I mean, we are back on tour. TheAndrewSchultz.com. You can get all the cities that we're going to be at.

But it's going to be a fun next couple months. I mean, we're going to Pittsburgh. We're going to go to Miami. We're going to Portland. We're going to Orlando. Yeah, just come on out, man. A lot of fun, fun shows. TheAndrewSchultz.com for tickets.

Get them before they're sold out. Yo, guys, come check me out. Here's my upcoming tour dates. February 6th, I'm going to be in Nashville, Tennessee at Zany's. Y'all got to come to that show. Then February 8th, I'm going to be at the Laughing Skull in Atlanta.

That's a fun-ass club. I can't wait to do it. Y'all got to come through. And then March 12th through 14th, I'm finally going to Canada. I'm going to be in Montreal at the Comedy Nest. I'm super excited. We're doing the full weekend there.

I cannot wait. March 27th, I'm going to be at the Den in Chicago. Buy super excited. We're doing the full weekend there. I cannot wait. March 27th, I'm going to be at the Den in Chicago. Buy tickets, Chi-Town. I want to come through that city all the time. It's one of my favorite cities in the country. So let's sell this shit the fuck out

and get over there. All right, we're going to take a break for a second, pay some bills here. You already know about Radix. You saw what happened to Akash, got blitzed. I'll be honest,

I did not entirely believe that. How do I say this? You guys got to get on this quick because I think that there's, I know there might be some real weed in there to be honest with you. I think, I think they might have slipped up because I was smoking a joint in Atlanta. So we're at this laughing skull and was i high afterward i thought it was gonna be just cbd you were a little i was on stage i was smoking by the last joke i was like a couple

seconds behind myself like i was like i just gotta get through this i was definitely high i slept for 13 hours the next night so there's something going on over here. Radix remedies. Okay. You go Radix remedies.com slash flagrant. Flagrant is our code. Um, they got a cool, I mean, you've got cool discounts. You got cool things specifically just for us on the website, but they're also got this monthly subscription thing. This is dope. Uh, you could enter to win the free gram or was a grandma month free eighth. Sorry. I think three eighth a week um but also they got this monthly subscription box they're doing from radix it's just for us flagrant fans uh so make

sure you go check that as well just keep sending shit to your place you don't have to worry about it get that shit on repeat okay um anyway a lot of cool things over there at radix go to radix.com r-a-d-i-x remedies.com slash flagrant and do your thing, man. This is the CBD of the asshole army. And we got to build. If you guys got any ideas of things that they need to make, things that you really like, things that you've maybe bought from other CBD brands that they don't offer, let us know. We'll build it out. We'll make it happen. We're partnering up with this company. So we're going're gonna definitely do some cool stuff all right so please send us recommendations and let's just do it all right yo mark had a funny ass line bro he said some coronavirus joke he was talking about some asians some coronavirus joke and then someone in

the in the like an asian person started the coronavirus or something and then some of the audience goes too soon and then mark takes a video he goes wait was that their name that shit destroyed bro i mean destroyed dude i was we were you were you were there you were watching it but we were in the green room the whole place fucking went crazy this is alabama yo loki one of the best comedy clubs in the country alabama it looked beautiful from the south show video at the stardome it's like well fucking gorgeous bro you could film a special air it is arena seating it's it's like and it bowled out right i saw that like wide shot of yep it bowls out completely no it's in uh hoover and uh and and it is fucking so good and the guy who owns it is like a legit good guy who good thing after good thing happened to him and that's how they built the club

no kidding like he said in the beginning he brought like a couple acts in that didn't work when they started it and then he brought um fuck what was his name? Black guy. Sinbad. Sinbad. He brought Sinbad in, and he would bring Sinbad 12 times a year. Sinbad's so great, dude. It's a new show every time. It's a new show every time, yeah. And he's like, Sinbad built my fucking club.

And then he said one time, have you heard the story about Top, what's his name? Top Hat? What's his name? The red guy with the fucking- Carrot Top, yeah. Top Hat? I'm talking about Monopoly all the time in the back? Top Hat? What's his name? The red guy with the fucking- Carrot Top? Carrot Top, yeah. Top Hat? I don't know these guys. The guy who talks about Monopoly all the time in the back.

Top Hat. So Carrot Top with all his things burning. Have you guys heard the story about when the club burned? A club burned down and all of his props were in the club. And he was supposed to go on the Tonight Show three days later. Oh my God. So all of his props burned down and it was in that club. And apparently Jay Leno went on.

It was like, we're supposed to have carrot top, but, uh, he was at some shitty club and arrow or not, you know, some horrible club in Alabama is all stuff burned down. And people started reaching out to Jay and saying,

Hey, the club is actually great. It wasn't there. Their fall. There was like a fire during a snowstorm. So no one could even get to there. Oh, crazy.

Yeah. Just horrible shit. It snows in Alabama. So I thought I didn't know. I had no clue. Wow. So, um, fucking ignorant. Mrs. Guys. crazy. Yeah, just horrible shit. It snows in Alabama? I thought, I didn't know. I had no clue. Wow. So, um. Fucking ignorant,

I miss those guys. Yeah, yeah. You knew that shit? I mean, it's the south. It's not fucking India. It snows. We assume the south is hot. Yeah, it's hot,

but it still snows. I didn't go with a jacket this trip. I was regretting that shit. It was cold as fuck. It was cold, but we were surprised. That's ridiculous, yo.

Why? Why are we supposed to know that? You are a traveled person. You don't know how to fucking mop. You can't you can't sweep you could barely make a coffee probably out of that machine real talk that's tricky i saw akash looking at the machine i knew it was gonna be a problem because he's starting to get a little bit anxious as the coffee's filling up to the top of the cup. And then he starts pushing random parts of the machine. And I wait until it gets to the top of the glass.

I'm like, just press the button at the top. Okay, I got it. Completely retarded. You can also buy cups that can fit the whole coffee. Say what? You get 70% of the coffee because you got these Moroccan-ass cups. Dude, that's Arabic for you're fucking retarded. Deal with it.

I asked Akash to help me, and he Michael Cera'd me. I was like, yo, can you help me with the coffee? And he was like, yeah, I'll be like. And then trailed off and motored away. And I was like, all right. Michael Cera! and trailed off and motored away. And I was like, all right. What Michael said. But it's only annoying because you know how brilliant he is.

Son, I don't know poor people shit. Son. Like making coffee. I wasn't meant to be rich. God didn't make me to be poor. I guess, bro. That's why going broke was such a struggle for me. Was it?

It was hard on me, yo. Yeah. I'm gonna sweep my own floors. What the fuck? You didn't sweep the floors, let's be honest. There's no way. I swiffered them bitches, though. I don't even think that you could put the thing on the Swiffer.

I think it would take you 30 minutes to get the wet thing onto the Swiffer. Swiffer wet is a hustle, yo. Don't go Swiffer wet. This is why you need a kid, though. Because a kid forces you to learn all this menial shit. It's a good segue intoial shit special but we still haven't gotten to the idea we still haven't talked about the the club the multi-million dollar idea yeah yeah yeah wait i thought we said it already we did not we didn't say it all right keep pushing

back keep pushing back i said it already right okay real quick before we get to your special i want to say i opened your special and i'm watching it was absolutely beautiful i saw brendan sagalow's arms yeah yeah and i turned it off immediately and i walked away from my phone i left my phone in one place i don't know where it was and i just walked away that's how horrified i was yeah did he show up like that yeah yeah it was a completely unprovoked fashion choice on his part and he thought he argued yeah because he didn up like that yeah yeah it was a completely unprovoked fashion choice on his part and he thought he argued yeah because he didn't do it for comedic effect because his arms are curdled bags of milk yes like they're just they are disgusting they're shapeless who's the guy who's who looks like a testicle that talks about football on espn and they make him look like a

rocker sometimes oh yeah clayton or something like that john clayton he looks like a stillborn he looks like yes yes so sagalow looked like if if someone left clayborn in a bath okay just for months and then he just swole the fuck up and he was with you he's in this stupid fucking tank top and then you guys are riffing and you sound incredibly like natural acting. You're actually a good actor. I appreciate it. Like you're really good actor. And Sagalow is so horrible at acting.

And you're looking at his stupid arms. Okay. With not a single hair on them. It's just like someone took turkey thighs and they attached them to the side of his body like a potato head. Right. Irish also. He's going to take his life when he watches it.

Is he Irish also? He is ecz take his life when he watches this. Is he Irish also? He is eczema. I don't know what he is. He is as white as it gets. So now we've got to have him on. We've got to have him on the pot. Let's not have him on for a year or so. Just like the idea.

So you guys are doing this this uh riffing thing first of all i want to i want to say something about just before we even get into the jokes of the special but the coloring is beautiful yeah yeah mike lavin man the homeless pimp shout to the homeless pimp he's great he's been doing great work uh i've been seeing his stuff a lot, but the color grading on the special is unbelievable. I mean, it fucking explodes, which was that much more infuriating about Sagalow's arms is that you saw his arms in Fort, you saw the pink in his skin.

Yeah, you saw the rosacea. The rosacea was there. But yeah, it looked beautiful. So I fast forward past Sagalow's part. Because what was he talking about? He was like disagreeing with you on your special? He was basically insinuating that I've told him the story. You probably couldn't hear him pass all the heavy breathing.

I'm trying to carry that fat ass body across the street. We tried not to lob him, but there was no other way. He's like, guys, can I take a break? We're like, we're in the middle of Sixth Ave. Why don't you mosey over to the sidewalk and then hold your knees? What was the conversation about? So it was about, it was like an amped up version of how I got into the cellar. Ah, yes, yes, yes.

Which the story, the true story is that I was having dinner with DeStefano and his daughter. And I was there just hanging at the cellar. I wasn't in, didn't ask to work there, nothing like that. Would show face every once in a while. And Liz Furioti, the manager, got a text that Colin Quinn had suffered a heart attack. Chris was supposed to open for Colin at the Fat Black while he was working out Red State, Blue State. And then I happened to be there and Liz was like, can you do 30 minutes? And I was like, yeah, all right, this is great. But I also had a panic attack the weekend before. This is a whole kind of long thing i didn't do comedy in like five days because i had a

horrible panic attack in long island while going up to headline right before as i'm being introduced i felt that pressure on your chest yeah and like the the involuntary spasms and i just irish through it dude i stuffed everything down and i just did a full 55 or whatever it was. You are fucking better than me because I couldn't do 30 seconds of Sagalow's arms. I was born to suffer, dude. I can handle it.

Sagalow, we're teasing you if you're listening. We love you, man. He is. Very funny comic, Brandon Sagalow, and a good hang. It's very rare that young comics

are good hangs. And he's going to be very funny. Yeah, yeah. No, he's a funny kid. I mean, like, he's are good hangs. And he's going to be very funny. Yeah, yeah. No, he's a funny kid. I mean, like, he's already really funny, but he's going to be like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Top show. But you're a good hang.

He's going to be like a thing. So you can, and I can't stress this enough how important it is, like, when you're coming up. Like, if you're a good hang, you will get so much work. You'll get so many opportunities because at the end of the day, you just want someone you could feel kind of comfortable and natural around. Yeah. If they're also funny. Oh, my God. Dude, I have like.

Ideal situation. I have young comics that I'm friendly with. Yeah. But I don't really know them like that. Yeah. I'll be outside smoking weed. Yeah. And they'll have the confidence to be like, hey, can I hit that?

And I'm like, who do you think you are? I have never in my life walked up to Metzger or Jay or anybody. I'm not saying I'm on that level, but even like 10 years ago, I was never just like, oh, hey, you're a weed? Let me get that. It's like the craziest confidence. I remember when I came to the city 11 years ago, Metzger was really funny. He was a guy at the cellar.

He was one of the really funny guys at the cellar. That's essentially who you are. These guys. Right. Yeah. But there's a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. But there's a little bit. Yeah. Sometimes I guess there's a little bit of a detachment from it.

I don't know. I think they're also trying to like prove they're like. That's another thing. It's a bold move. Yes. So you remember them. It's like, nah, bro, we're good. I don't know how to do that.

Like, I do not know how to like, if I truly like you and I, and I'm like, I admire you and I think you're fucking great. I don't know how to like turn on the, hey, we're just buddies. Right. You know what I mean? Last night is a perfect example, right? Last night, we're going from the Patrice benefit. Andrew Rippey, by the way.

It was fun. We have Andrew, Paul Verzi, Roy Wood, all guys you work with in the network. And they all fucking ripped it. We'll talk about the Patrice thing in a little bit. Sam had a good set, too. Sam Morell, yeah. But we were basically going from the venue to the stand, right? And I'm like, DeRosa's leaving and Shane's leaving. I'm like, hey, let's hop in an Uber.

Akash and Ronnie are with me. And I call the Uber. And then Mike Berta, I forget his, I don't know. He runs All Things Comedy. Mike Bertolini or something his i don't know he runs all things comedy mike burda lenny or something i don't know yeah bartolini bartolini yeah and burr are in the car and then uh mike goes come in the car and i hear burgo uh hey come on in right and i really admire burr and i left Shane and DeRosa so fast. When I tell you how quickly, I don't even think I looked them in the eye. What are you, Lorne Michaels?

Lorne still calls them. How's the difference? You deleted his number while you were in the car. I didn't know where he was. How dare you speak about Asians like that? Actually, I felt a little bad about leaving Shane. Not DeRosa at all. And we were just in the car, and it was just one of those things where like, I'm not going to chum it up with Burr.

Sure. You are the fucking goat to me right now. Living goat. Obviously, Chappelle as well. So it's like, I just want to hear what you have to say about things. I'm not even trying to make you laugh. I literally just want to hear. And we sat in the car, and it was like he was doing dude he is burr he was so funny he doesn't know how to not be burr right right he's just doing he said the bits the funniest

this is such a bill burr sentence andrew asked if he had watched aaron hernandez sing and he just goes no i don't watch series anymore i was like what do you mean no no series he's like nah i was like what do you watch he's like movies and then there we go like it's three episodes he goes it's too much too much i don't even watch sequels he doesn't dude it was like he was like i just can't take it anymore he goes my girl watches all of them so i'll pop in get a little pop out and it was so like this exactly it's so cool to see a comic who is a little pop out and it was so like this exactly it's so cool to see a comic

who is the same on stage and off stage so it's it is I've never seen a comic so similar on and off yeah

I've never seen it like this in my life you know who's like that and I hate to say because they always get compared but Nathan McIntosh

did you say Brendan Sackle no Nathan McIntosh I went to a diner with Nathan McIntosh years ago and a diner with Nathan McIntosh years ago and he just he did a full set without realizing it

he's like fuck it buddy I love diners you go there they got whatever you want and he does and I'm like I don't know what you mean

this is you're like Jesus Christ Nathan it's exactly what you sound like and then Burr obviously who I agree is one of the best out there

maybe ever but like it's just crazy to watch that guy who operates at that level being just as funny naturally. But also the attitude you approach that ride with is a lost art. Because that is the move, is reverence and respect. And just like, hey man, I understand where I'm at. I understand where you're at.

I have more to glean from you than you from me. So I'm sitting here and listening and you know what it pisses him off i'm sure he just wants to be one of the guys i'm sure he hates the fucking reverence and all that kind of shit but i'm not gonna be inauthentic right i'm not gonna like fake chum it up with you yeah yeah i i'm it's just i don't know how to do it i'm bad at it i have I have a tough time manufacturing confidence. I get it in my head because I'm like, I'm not unconfident in it. I am confident that I want you to just talk. I'm 100% confident in that moment.

I mean, Akash, you're there. I'm not trying to bust balls. I'm not trying to... No, we're just laughing and asking questions. Literally just laughing, and then there's these painful moments of silence, and then he just comes back again with fucking haymaker haymaker

haymaker and it was just but it was so worth leaving Shane and you Joe it was so worth it okay you see Joe trying to shrug but he can't he's like John McCann he's built like a sperm

I love Joe he's like John McKinney he's built like a sperm I love Joe he's so funny also quick thought I took two of those gummies if you took those gummies you would have been wild

for the night yeah yo shout out to Radix man hell yeah it is it is yeah Joe said

the funniest thing about Voss because I was trying to think of what Voss was dressed like last night and

because Voss was just dressed so absurd uncut gems hilarious comedian if y'all don't know go look him up but absolutely hilarious uh just the fucking the best guy the best hang literally he enters the room and all of a sudden it's fun and he's either being made fun of or making fun of but he's just the fucking best and um we're sitting down backstage and he's just kind of like busting Shane's balls and he has either made fun of or making fun of but he's just the fucking best and we're sitting down backstage and he's just kind of busting Shane's balls and he has the chair turned towards towards like sitting on

AC Slater style yeah but Shane goes look it's AC Slater Rich has a crazy list he has the craziest list ever dude Rich is in my special Bobby has one of the funniest lines ever. Yeah.

Because Voss is like, you know, a real headliner can come in and swoop away Cannon's wife and his kid. Bobby goes, don't say swoop. It's a new lens. And it was just so quick. Bobby, at this point, he's like, you know, he's like jujitsu. Them hanging out. It's not even thought of. It's instinctual knocks on this is bobby kelly everybody who doesn't know but go check out rich voss bobby kelly and just these are like the new york ogs the goats that of new

york that really kind of established new york is you know the comedy capital of the world and um we've let them down but yeah but you can changing. You can see how good Burr is. When we were in the green room and him and Voss were going back and forth, Voss just couldn't keep up. And Voss is nice at it. I know, and he's good. Voss ain't whack at it at all.

Voss is one of the best. Voss literally is one of the best, especially just Buss and Balls. But Voss had a couple lines in the green room. Oh, God. And it just tanked. And then Burr crushed him. I know.

What was it? What was it? It was just water. He was like. Oh, he goes. He says something like. Don't try to lisp over the laugh. No, no, no.

He goes. He goes. He goes. He goes. Voss says something. I don't know the line, but he goes, yeah. Yeah. Just like the table.

So what I'm saying is. And then Burr goes, oh, no, no. Don't try to cover your bomb with so what I'm saying is turning it serious yeah this is now a philosophical point anyway um yeah you had these guys in the beginning of your special so we talked about this months ago which i told you not to do yeah but you yeah. But you did it anyway. You told me a bad idea. I told you a horrible idea. But the beginning of the special is them essentially telling you why you – So it's actually interstitials. I got the idea from your special, the –

What was it? 4-4-1, right? 4-4-1, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I love that idea of breaking it up with stuff in between and kind of like – It's a different way to present material. Again, great idea. How did no one think of that? You know, just it's a different way to present material. Again, great idea. How did no one think of that? You got it.

It's your idea. But it's just like, oh, this is how it should be. Yeah. 45 minutes of straight comedy is like, that's a lot, yo. For someone you don't know. Yeah, yeah. For someone you don't know.

Even someone you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like there's even friends of ours that like after a while, it's like, hey, brother, stand in one place, comedian. You're just going to stand right there? Yeah. You're just going to get locked in like you're on a snowboard?

The only hours I fully watch now are ones that I'm so passionately hateful against. I will sit for a full 60 minutes and scream. And my six-month-old baby will just be looking at his father like, Jesus Christ, this is what I was born into. You're the Howard Stern fan? Yeah. What did they say back in the day? I listen in the three times more howard yeah would you hate him yeah oh it's jesus but wait you were saying so you had these guys and it's kind of broken up and they're all talking about you and kind of trashing you but also saying so the idea for the special

was that you know i got in because colin had a heart attack surreal in and of itself yeah then now i'm at the table with new york legends right these guys that i've looked up to since I was probably in middle school, listening to them on the radio, watching them on tough crowd, all that stuff. And now I'm at the table with them. I'm playing the same club. They respect me. They think I'm the next guy, blah, blah, blah. And then I had Voss, Bobby Kelly, Jim Norton, Colin Quinn, and Keith Robinson all straight to camera say how much they don't respect me, how much I suck and how much I'm not the next guy because i just wanted i wanted to be comedy the whole way through yeah you know a lot of people are doing very meaningful touching stuff injecting some heart into their specials yeah and that's all well and good you know that certainly works for a lot of people i'm not that guy at the moment so i

just wanted to like basically be as self-deprecating about myself as possible while presenting something that means everything to me the only reason i said no to the idea it wasn't at the it wasn't about like not showing reverence to these guys obviously i think that's the most important thing to you know but it was i thought your idea was to use not use but like utilize their like status in the comedy world to like push the special up. I didn't think it was going to be that. I mean, I thought it would maybe help give credibility to it more than it would elevate the views or exposure.

Right, right, right. And that's what was my thinking with it. And I was like, you would have way more. At the end of the day, it's like, how do we just get someone to watch it? Yeah, if I had Logan Paul getting throat fucked on there, then it would be a big special. Yeah. I mean, on some level, that would be the big cosign. Right.

You know what I mean? Right. So it's like, I guess I was thinking just, in my mind, I'm going, I know the food is delicious. How do I get someone to try it? So what is the most effective tool to get someone to try it? Sagalow's arms. Sagalow's arms. Sagalow's arms. Vomit everything out first.

And then they're hungry. And then they got an appetite. They're absolutely disgusted. Burn their retinas and then they'll appreciate beauty afterwards. That is amazing. Oh, what a great idea. I didn't even realize how fucking nuanced this was. But I guess, yeah, the idea was just thinking, I just want to find a way where people can see you.

Because I know once they see you, they're going to fucking love it, et cetera. And is that the right tool? And my thinking was, you kind of are known in these circles already. The Jim and Sam's, you've done all the podcasts, et cetera. So when I'm trying to promote anything, I'm always thinking, how do I get out of my circle? Yeah. Not within my circle. Yeah.

You're smarter than me. Yes. Yeah. So, so the idea was, I thought, I thought it was great and I thought the execution was great, but the promotion of it, I'm like, how can we get outside the circle? Like even now when you were, when you were talking about, you know, when we wanted you to come on the podcast, it was like, I said, Hey, let's do it after it's out. I don't want to push towards it. I want it to exist. So everybody watching right now can go consume it. You know, like that's, I think that's the thing that we've, we've, uh, we think about promotion backwards in that way. It's everybody's like, Oh, we need to promote for this thing. It's like,

no, that's not how it works. Right. The thing needs to be there. So when people are ready, they can go consume it. You need to promote for something back in the day when a rating mattered. Now the slow build matters. Like I had a TED talk that did okay. I went on Rogan. Now it's at a million views. Yeah.

Why? Because it existed after you saw the Rogan thing. You're like, I want some more of this guy, et cetera. Yeah. So like you don't want your first video to go viral i've realized because and it's something what's uh basement yard joe sanagato talked about once you go viral people see the video and they say oh what else do they have sure your viral video is the top champagne class in that tower yeah yeah right so whatever that is perfect you want a pyramid scheme yes it really is a digital

so you want it to just spill on to all these other things and then hopefully you keep getting more things that spill and we've been able to watch this in real time when a video hits i'm sure you've seen it with yours all the other stuff starts even feeney man shout to mike feeney the podcast with a very funny comic he's been on this and uh he fucking exploded on tiktok he got like a couple right like a million on tiktok he's seeing that he's huge with taiwanese 11 year olds that's it those might be the only girls he's huge with um yeah so so it's just one of those things where like i I don't know, I just wanted it to be out. I wanted you to have people see it and like how we get people to it I think is important.

Yeah. Oh, and that's why you're smart because this is my first full digital project outside of podcast. But I've been quietly uploading every, you know, I've had a bunch of clips do really well on Instagram and Twitter and stuff like that. But I, and I've been quietly putting them on a YouTube page that I didn't even necessarily promote. But now I have kind of at least tens of videos for people to check out after they watch my full special. Not to mention my special is 32 minutes of stand-up.

I did a full hour. So there's 25 more minutes that I plan to roll out once the full hour audio album comes out. Those clips are going to be individually sent out. Then I'm going to chop up the special afterwards. So this is a full year of content that I'm going to roll out because I have a couple bits on the special that as singular pieces I think could possibly do something. You should. And then you should repurpose them, reput them out. Yeah, yeah.

And also when you're putting them on Instagram, use all the real estate. This is something I don't get comics. I don't get comics to do this. So you can post a small horizontal picture on Instagram, right? Right. Or you can post a tall picture that takes up almost the whole screen on Instagram, right? If I was selling you a piece of real estate and I was like, you can have this much real estate for the same price as double the amount of real estate, which would you choose? Yeah. Double.

So then fucking use it all. I do have a question. Yeah. Do you know how to personally resize video? Yes. You hire an Alex. Okay. If Alex is busy,

you hire a Mark. Okay. That's how it is. All right. Yeah. But in all seriousness, yeah, you can,

you can really, it's actually not that hard no i see them do it i watch it's a few clicks i don't see my guy do it but it doesn't even take him long so you know i mean it can't be that hard well what i did before them is um i would just zoom in so like and if i cut myself off or clip myself off i just sacrificed that because i figured bigger was better yeah it was just more you could like get in front of their eyeballs more that's right anyway we don't have to get into like the the minutiae of it but it's like um i i'm very excited for you and i'm very excited for everybody who's putting out their own shit

i want you to succeed because it's like the future and people really only understand i think people see my success and i think they're like okay let's go that's a model i want to replicate it and it is the model so the more people that also have success like that the more people invest in that yeah of course and then you start to like how good did it feel to put it out it felt great and the idea of like of not listening to you initially and not like because i i went to you for an andrew schultz Presents. Yeah. Just to be fully transparent.

And what'd I say? You said yes. And I said yes. And I said, wait till you have the kid, right? Yeah, yeah. I was like, once you have the kid, there's something. Yeah, yeah. Because it's like, you are drug dad.

Yeah. And you know how many drug dads there are? Quite a bit, yeah. They're all. I'm a- Our generation is, I'm a dad who loves my kid. I take care of my kid. I'm also on DMT, right?

Or I'm also whatever. I'm a pot patriarch. But go on. But yeah, so the idea of it was I was like, yeah, I do. I love Andrew. I want to work with Andrew for sure. But then I was like, what did Andrew do? He built up his own thing.

He can stand on his own two feet. He created a foundation that he can build upwards from. So while wanting to work with you was appealing and getting that mass exposure, I also wanted to be sure that once I got that mass exposure, I had a house to put it in. That's the thing. Like, maybe I didn't articulate that with you. It's like, I don't I'm not interested in building up myself with myself with other comics right i just want you guys to build up yourselves totally and the the the if i have a selfish goal in it the long-term selfish goal is that's the only way we can reorganize new york yeah like the only way is if you guys have a massive podcast right if akash is

selling out shows around the fucking world and his YouTube is exploding, if all of us have power and we can kind of combine that power like the West Coast guys do, we can make New York. We get all the infinity stones. We really need to do it. So it's like right now we're in the process, like even the studio, the studio is an investment in New York comedy. It's not just us.

It's, hey, History Hyenas, you guys need to cook something up? Chris and Yannis just hit me the other day. Hey, can we do some ladder 14? Yeah. When do you want? this studio this studio is an investment in new york comedy it's not just us it's hey history hyenas you guys need to cook something up chris and yannis just hit me the other day hey can we do some ladder 14 yeah when you want it's what i say when you walked in here you're like any ideas you have just let's fucking make something out of the city we've been resting on our laurels there's a bunch of guys who are you know having heart attacks and strokes at the cellar right who are our fucking ogs and we've been sitting there letting them hold it down for 20 years. None of us taking the fucking reign. They took the reins eventually.

It's up to us if we want to honor them to build New York up again. That's why I put them in my special and I want to stand on their shoulders and push them underwater. Right underneath the water. Drown them all. Okay? Let them grab onto Sagalow's arms as buoys. They do look like the bumpers of a boat as you're trying to park it.

Anyway. Guys, we should... Well, actually, first, Mike Cannon, what is your YouTube so they can go get it? We'll put the link in the YouTube page for these videos, of course. It's Mike Cannon Comedy on YouTube. You can find my special on there called Life Begins. I have a bunch of stand-up videos. I have old sketches from when my YouTube was set up as Dong Comic 2.

Love it. Yeah. Give us one thing to go to. I think that's a big mistake a lot of us make. The special. Life Begins. Okay, go watch the special. Now, if they don't have 45 minutes, is there one bit on there that you really think showcases who you are on YouTube?

I think there's one bit about circumcision that's really great. It's like a six-minute chunk on the decision to circumcise my son. But is there like – Where in the video? That's in the middle. But the end, actually, it's a story about how I volunteered to get bit by a Marine dog in the middle when i performed in the middle east yeah i would i would recommend uh everybody go to that because i think that's a pretty blistering six minutes that's good yeah i think because it's one of the things these things that we do a lot as comics or you know even podcasters where we're like yo check

my podcast out and then someone goes and looks at the podcast and there are 200 episodes yeah right and it becomes daunting right like you got you get almost intimidated and then you're like do i want to invest two hours in something i don't even know if i like so from now on i never say check out my podcast yeah i say check out franks and beans there's an episode that we have or check out this specific thing yeah yeah so i want to push people towards a specific thing. Sure. They find out who Mike Cannon is, and then if they like that, then they'll fucking ride with you. Yeah. But yeah, go check that out, man.

I appreciate it, man. Thank you very much. Yo, we got to talk about Kobe, man. Yeah, I guess we do. Holy fuck. Yeah. It's pretty brutal, right? I mean, I don't know how you guys are taking it.

I was on Luis J. Gomez's podcast last night, and he couldn't be more disconnected from the sports world, even though he's a huge fan of sweaty men rolling around in an octagon. And he considers, you know, adulation of a sports star somehow gay, but he loves fighting. It's so weird. But I was arguing about how much this means to people like us because we watched the guy's whole career from 17 to 41. I was the number one Kobe hater on earth when he played.

Yeah. But you had to respect him. And then also after career Kobe, we talked about this. He had the greatest post-playing career we had ever seen. Yeah. He won a fucking Oscar. He's spending all this time with his kids.

He seems happy. Like Michael Jordan, better player. You see him post-retirement. He looks fucking miserable. Yeah. And a true sociopath. Yeah.

Even so. Nobody has good stories of Michael Jordan, really. Colby, you're hearing all this good stuff. And you look at him like this guy still looks good. Right. In shape. And he just seemed invincible. He seemed like this is his post-playing career is going to be incredible.

He's going to do a fucking phenomenal things. He's a wise person. You want to hear what he has to say. In 20 years, he would have been like a fucking philosopher that we would have listened to. incredible. He's going to do fucking phenomenal things. He's a wise person. You want to hear what he has to say. In 20 years, he would have been like a fucking philosopher that we would have listened to. Right.

Yeah. Well, and the ultra-wokes want to, you know, obviously come after him for the allegations in Denver and everything like that. But if you look at... That cunt, Evan Rachel Wood.

Oh, this... That fucking cunt. I told you guys that listened to this. You remember when I had a beef with her a fucking year ago and then that guy Jimmy got involved. What's his name?

Jimmy? The other guy from the show. Mick Poyle from Always Sunny in Philadelphia? No. He's one of the Mick Poyles. Was he? I'm pretty sure. Yeah. You know the weird brothers in Always Sunny? He got a fucking good burn on me. He did have a good burn. He said I sounded like a villain from a ski movie.

Like your dad owns a mountain? Yeah. was pretty good but fuck you too jimmy anyway but go back evan rachel wood i dare you to say anything about oh a lot of white bitches were white bitching can y'all not just make some shit about you for a second it's crazy possible but also his apology and woody allen on the red carpet you stupid bitch i can't believe that you could take a moral high ground on any rape allegation whatsoever and do a movie with woody allen like those worlds can't exist like that's true i'm sorry what's the girl's name uh colin joe's wife what's her name scarlett johansson you gotta shut up yeah well she said she's for woody she defended of course she is because if you weren't and you did the movie, you're an asshole.

She doesn't have a choice. Right. Like, of course, she's for Woody. Right. You are grandfathered into for Woody. Because if you say you believe he did it and you still did the movie. You do rapist movies. Yeah.

And pedophile movies. Is she a big feminist spokesperson? I don't know her to say much. Not really. She's also anti-diversity. She's like, I don't find it paramount. She she's like I think just the most talented people she can I love that and she was skewered I love that yeah that's a cool white girl no I'm with that yeah yeah but go on but she has to say that so she could work right like when these white girls like

we need more diversity and then they don't get the role and they're like I've been touched well that's like isn't that what happened with all these me too girls like they're like diversity diversity and then they're like all right well now you're out and they're like, I've been touched. Isn't that what happens with all these Me Too girls? They're like, diversity, diversity. And then they're like, all right, well, now you're out. And they're like, well, Harvey Weinstein. That's a very funny byproduct of all of this is like, I wish a woman of color could have had my job. And it's like, well, you were in the position to hand it off.

Or you wish you could have the job that you were getting raped at. You want to give that to a woman of color? What are you trying to hand off here? And also, at any point in time, you can donate women of color money. Like, if you want to help women of color, it's right there. Very, very valuable. You're going to get a movie soon. You can give that to a woman of color. Yeah.

You keep shaving your head, Rose McGowan. It's like, donate the hair to these black women that are going to buy it anyway. Do you know what I mean? Like, the least that you can do. You're making them buy Akash's fucking cousin's hair and shit. They don't know no better. The point with the Kobe, even with the Kobe allegation. Okay, here's something that pissed me off.

Once you accept the settlement, that's the price that it costs you to not get raped. Okay? You make a decision in your mind that it wasn't rape. That's the rape toll, that's no no you you were like i i i all of consent it's a toll i was raped the drop ridges up and then as soon as you close right so it's like i was raped and then he was like 25 million dollars and then you're like that was sex that's what you're saying that's the price for it to be sex, right? That's because here's the thing. And this is for people who get all crazy and take this out of context.

No, no. You can go to criminal court, lose, and then go to civil court and win. Have you heard of a guy named OJ Simpson? Yes. Okay. When you choose to not even go through the criminal court or the civil, you're just accepting payment. Right? Yeah.

You don't care about the justice. She didn't go to criminal court? No. Well, they went to criminal or they were going to, but the charges were dropped. You dropped the charges to accept the money. Yeah. So you don't care about him getting justice. Not to mention his apology is paint by numbers perfect for progressives.

Because he did say, he's like, listen, I didn't think that this was not consensual, but it's very clear to me considering her testimony. Clarify what you said. Clarify. I didn't. There's too many no's right there. I thought this was consensual. I thought this was consensual. In my opinion, that's what it was.

However, due to once hearing her testimony and her account of of things it's very clear to me that she did not and he's like so i would like to apologize to her her family like he literally laid it out as as if a perfect apology could you know as perfect of an apology for rape for real and and also that's the apology that that that her lawyers agreed on being out there because the deal was, I'm going to give you this apology. It can't be used in any other court case. Now, my personal feeling is if you drop the charge, accept the money and you don't pursue criminal or other civil, you just wanted the money and that's fine. But you could have got the money in civil.

The money's always on the table. So if you just got the 25 and they basically said, hey, you might get 12 here, but you can get 25 or whatever the fuck it was. You're putting money over justice. So if you don't care about justice, why do we? Couldn't you also just be like, I don't think we're going to win because he's got the better lawyers. He's got the whatever. Like the chips are stacked in his favor in terms of resources. They're never stacked.

They're never stacked with a rape victim. They're never stacked in the favor like the chips are stacked in his favor in terms of resources they're never stacked something they're never something with a rape victim they're never stacked in the favor of the man like if we want to go over uh courses of like how many wrongful convictions like we're talking about how many untested rape kits are there like it depends how you look at it right like you know and how many rich people get locked up for rape but here so here's here's where brock turner got like a fucking he raped somebody. And then he got like six minutes. Yeah. Yeah.

And a steak dinner when he got out or whatever the fuck. Like, yeah. Yeah. Is he rich? Is that why he went to Stanford? His parents are well. Yeah. Well, to do.

Right. Fucking. I don't know. I don't look. Look, I don't know. My point is, at a certain point in time, like if you think a rapist is out there in the world, then we have like a social responsibility to not have him out there in the world right yeah i think that when you go okay i'll accept this money which i don't blame you by the way no no do you know

what i'm saying like if someone raped me i want 25 million over justice. Yeah. Like if someone raped me and you could be in jail or you could be free and I got 25 million. I think that's the right one. Yeah. Right. Yeah. I mean, I think that's when you said it's it doesn't matter if it's justice to everyone else. It's justice to the victim. Yeah.

I think that's where everybody gets so hairy and they they kind – they take in the information through their own trauma filter, right? So because they've been through some shit, maybe they've been assaulted. Maybe they have family that's been assaulted. Now they still want to come for that guy because technically he just paid somebody off because he raped. So they know he's still out in the world and it reopens their own personal wound and they want to seek justice still based based on their own experience and they can't be rewarded i think that's where it gets tricky for people it's like it's one thing if he goes and does his thing you go do your thing nobody talks anymore but when people start saying what a great guy he is that was the weinstein shit i think it was like when people going oh he cares about women he's supporting all these other things

it was like whoa whoa how much of a gangster is he, though, in the courtroom to just be like, and nobody's talking about all the good I've done for these whores. He's limping in and dragging a foot. He's like, these bitches have a statue because of me. It's true. Motherfucker came through, dog. The statue's name is Oscar.

Yeah, yeah. They got a three-picture deal after I forcibly stuck my butt in them. Yeah, I don't know. It's just, well, whatever. The Kobe thing is tragic. Obviously, it's interesting just hearing all the stories about Kobe. Have you guys been trying to pay attention to that?

Yeah. There are very few stories about Kobe. Like, I don't know if you know, it's like I've been scouring the internet. Every story is about the relentless work ethic, right? Every athlete's story about Kobe is either I was at the gym first, and then he got there, and then the next day he was there first. Or he's talking to alan iverson

and alan iverson said you know uh kobe goes what are you gonna do later tonight and alan's like i'm going to the club he's i'm going to the gym right right like he took back kobe sneakers from his whole laker team because he said you guys don't deserve these you're too soft that was the story fucking great how wild is that yo it is but there's an interesting thing that i learned about kobe uh just talking to some some people and it was um he was unexposable he was a complete player there was nothing that you could attack right like you couldn't attack him defensively you couldn't let him shoot the three, especially towards the end of his career. He was proficient at it.

Like he was as close as you get to a complete and perfect player. Like even LeBron is scared to shoot, you know, sometimes like not a great free throw shooter, not a great free. The only way to expose Kobe is to almost make him shoot too much. Yeah. Like he shot himself out of the finals.

Yeah. That one year where it was very clear. He was like, he just wanted it so bad that his body just couldn't handle yeah like you know the task at hand but that's almost the way to expose kobe is like you want to do this yourself by all means score 140 yeah yeah maybe but it was just and apparently there's so much respect amongst the players just for the singular focus and uh you know i always thought that kobe you know emulated michael jordan and jordan's work

ethic and he was like i'm going to be a student in this game because michael was a student the game and i'm going to be perfect this game because michael was and uh it turns out his influence wasn't michael jordan it was michael jackson apparently he spoke to Michael Jackson um about making Thriller and he was making another album and he was like involved in some way just kind of like in the periphery and Michael Jackson was like breaking down all the little things that he would do and how like this insane attention to detail and how you create an album like Bad or create an album like Thriller and Kobe said that I I didn't want to be Michael Jordan. I wanted the work ethic of Michael Jackson.

I wanted that type of specificity and that type of focus. That type of settling out of court. It took him one step too far, I think. He really tried to be just like me. He found neverland i do you think that's true or do you think he's just like look i don't want everybody to think i'm just copying mj maybe a little bit of both let me say i'm copying the other mj i think the reason why he kobe was so happy after uh playing or at least we think he was happy after playing

is because he probably attacked retirement with the same attitude and focus i think that's what he said he did he yeah you just take it and you move it to this you take that focus and you move it to these other things yeah and and obviously jordan can't do that he still has this competitive fire that needs to be you know um i just put out in some way shape or form or just ignored through maybe like gambling or alcohol or cigars or whatever the fuck that is. But like, yeah, Kobe was able to look at how do I enjoy not playing and family and business with the same type of hyper focus and and it fucking function for him. And it's kind of like in a way that's almost like the most maybe the most profound part of of his legacy because there are all these athletes that just fall the fuck apart after the game. Look at poor Iverson. His face is like booze bloat.

It's crazy. You look at him, you feel sad. You're like, dude, you're still a young guy. Yeah, man. The one thing Kobe, like this is what to me fully sets him apart from Michael Jordan is that he knew his kid's first name. Michael Jordan barely knows Marcus and Jeffrey. I mean, those kids are on Instagram fanning out bills since they were 17 years old, having accomplished nothing. They have zero work ethic whatsoever.

Who knows what the fuck they're doing now. But Kobe was hands on, especially with the older daughter. She was the one mostly exposed to media and stuff like that. It's like you see those clips of him working out with her individually and teaching her and how passionate he was even about women's basketball and wanting to champion the WNBA. I think she's a second. Oh, she's a second?

And that's the really – we haven't touched on that. That's what made this so fucking sad. So brutal. If Kobe was gone, it would have been shocking because you thought he was invincible, but then at some point you'd have been like, Kobe – He lived a life. He would have been shocking because you thought he was invincible. But then at some point you've been like, Kobe. He lived a life. He would have looked at you morning and been like, and there's a meme going around like, Gallus soft, get in the gym.

Right. Yeah. But Gigi is just like, oh, fuck, dude. Now there's a whole different thing. That's brutal. 13-year-old girl who seemed like, there's a story, Kobe, on, I think, Kimmel. And he's talking about Gigi. And fans will be like, yo, Kobe, you got to have a son, man.

And he's like, why? He's like, you need somebody to carry on the legacy. And Gigi's like, no, no, no. I got this. And it's like, fuck, dude. That's beautiful. Little Mamba right there. And then she's gone too.

And fuck, dude. He just put in for whatever, Mambacita. That was going to be her whole moniker. I know. It's tough, man. It's like, I have a brand new kid, six-month-old, right? Kobe has a six-month-old kid. The thought of leaving my son with my wife or even worse, taking my son with me to the other side and leaving my wife, it's so – it's sickening.

Like I read it in the car, which is probably dangerous to do. I've read the news. While you're driving? Like, you know, I read it in the car, which is probably dangerous to do. I've read the news while I'm driving. I'm like half crying, half reading an article and veering back into the lane. And it's just like, you know, all of those things kind of flood into your consciousness. Right. Because, you know, I've never hugged my my kid harder than when I got home because it's like you never know, man've had a lot of friends die and every single time it happens it's just a shocking reminder of mortality you know it's kind of crazy someone texted me this on the way here so i haven't gotten to look into it more t-mac apparently said kobe always said he wanted to die young he wanted to be immortalized which is crazy and kind of cool if he even went out of his own terms for kobe for Gigi, the worst. There's no way he would want that for Gigi. He didn't want that.

No chance he wanted that. But about the die young thing, it is quite interesting because Kobe might achieve his ultimate dream posthumously in that he wanted to be the greatest player ever. Right. Yeah. And how you get remembered as the greatest player ever is often narrative. Right. Like there's going to be a time where people forget about michael jordan i know it sounds crazy but like this generation of kids who grew up wearing the jordans they don't remember jordan yeah right they don't remember what

he actually did as a player he just lives on in youtube it lives on youtube in shitty quality and as that gets grainier and grainier you know people are going to watch it less and less you know so it's like kobe will one be immortalized because of this, and we'll look back at the greatness of Kobe and be reminded of the greatness of Kobe through the most clear frames you possibly can. And two, if they make him the logo, which I think is a realistic thing.

I agree, yeah. All of a sudden, Kobe gets something his idol MJ will never get, which is being immortalized forever and being synonymous with the NBA. I think that's why he wanted to die young, because he knew, I'm not as good as MJ, but if I go, I'm better. Do you think even a little part of LeBron was thinking about putting on a flying squirrel costume and jumping off the Staples Center? He's like, I got to match this.

There's no way. There's no way. The video of LeBron crying is fucking heartbreaking. That's why that's also a brutal element of this is you realize how filthy the media is because everybody's concerned with getting there first. Not right. So they're reporting that all four of his fucking daughters were on the thing. Rick Fox has to put out a thing being like, oh guys this is awful but i'm not dead like you know and then you get these super zoom images of poor lebron this man that that is like you know i hated

myself for watching it yeah and i was just like this is why they take these shitty videos the ultimate voyeur the guy can't even mourn without us being like, ooh, look at that. Yeah. I'm shocked he has human emotion. Yeah. I asked... His feet are so fucking slanted. That's what also stuck out to me. It is an odd thing, slanting his feet. Who? LeBron's feet are like W's, man. He just fucking... Really? The way he walks.

It's like a silent film. You ever notice that? Yeah, he's very Chaplin. He's fucking gate of Chaplin. I asked Burr last night because you know burrs is a big helicopter guy yeah yeah and i was like what what is your take you're gonna stop flying a helicopter like what's what's the whole thing and he goes uh he basically said he's like no and he kind of like breaks down and like real detail what happened like i mean i was fucking lost i couldn't keep up but i was fascinated he was talking about ivf

and evf and all these different things and like fly assistance and all that shit. But he basically said it was the pilot's error. And he goes, the most dangerous thing with a pilot is either low amount of hours or high amount of hours. Because high amount of hours, you think you could do anything. Right. So basically what happened is they came over this hill and there was all this fog that was kind of condensed to the valley and they only cleared it by 100 feet cleared what the hill so they barely get over the hill and i guess on the way down he's taking it down and when you

have all this fog you can't see and you have to trust the you know infrared technology whatever it is but you have to tell if you feel a helicopter going to the side your body is going to readjust it itself you have to look at that fucking infrared and then tell your body that it's lying to you essentially and they took a gamble going like nobody should have gone yeah literally they knew taking off it's too foggy and they were like let's go and they were reminded multiple times and they could have sat down so it is truly pilots air now you're the pilot you're in there with fucking kobe bryant you're in there you like isn't it also kobe's decision to go you also don't know if kobe is such a like like come on man let's let's get this done you don't know how if he pushed or if the pilot pushed exactly

exactly but at the end of the day you're a passenger you're not the pilot and the pilot if i tell the pilot of the fucking jet blue flight, hey, let's speed it up a little bit. We need to get to L.A. or like, hey, bring it down, whatever. I booked my own ticket for this. I meant, you know, they're going to tell me to fuck off. And at a certain point in time as a pilot, you got to say no. That is your actual job is to tell whoever the fuck is in that plane, no. You know, the lesson I took from that, though, for everybody is Aaliyah.

They knew there was too much shit on the plane and they were like put it on anyway let's go let's do it but and we all kind of judged that but every one of us makes that decision driving and we should all think about it like if you're going 90 miles an hour to try to get somewhere faster versus 75 whatever the speed limit is you're getting there four minutes quicker than you normally would yeah it's literally five minutes so worth it you are putting i cannot explain how worth that four minutes i'm gonna be honest worth that four minutes i'm gonna be honest it is so crazy four minutes is look at brendan sagalow's arms and tell me you were like i shouldn't drive 90 miles per hour on this highway right now it is so worth it i love you bre now. It is so worth it. I love you, Brendan. It is so worth it.

Those four minutes, worth it. Nah. Yes. Yes. Yes. You want to drive 65? You're telling me you drive the speed limit. You do 10 over. Yeah. 10 over, everybody doing 10. Go flow of traffic. Okay, so 10 over.

Why are you saving 30 seconds? Because that's flow of traffic. I, so 10 over. Why are you saving 30 seconds? Because that's flow of traffic. I'll give you an exit. But you think 75 to 65 is going to make a difference? I don't feel dangerous at 75. 90, you're fucking swerving in and out of lanes. Who's swerving in and out of lanes? You're going straight.

Who's going straight? If you're going 90 and the car in front of you is going 75, how are you going to get around him? You go 75. You go 75. That's what I'm saying around him? You go 75. You go 75. That's what I'm saying. You go into another lane. You go around his bitch ass and then you go 90 again.

I'm not saying I go 90. But when Alex goes 90 and we're all sleeping because he's in a fucking Tesla and he got some fucking weights that he hangs on the steering wheel to trick the steering wheel into thinking that his hand is on it

and we're passed out of sleep going 90 miles per hour, I felt very comfortable. Okay? per hour i felt very comfortable okay crazy i felt very comfortable okay you wouldn't feel comfortable i don't listen man andrew bryant let's chill son let's show we don't need that i'm not in a chopper bro that's different because you can be a garden snake son gardener snake what i'm trying to tell you is in the car yeah you could That's different. Sometimes you can be a garden snake. Son. I don't know what you're talking about. Gardener snake. What I'm trying to tell you is in the car, you could roll. There are things you could do in a car that you can't do in the...

Bro, a helicopter is different, dog. A helicopter is a wrap. Smaller margin of error. Yeah. Car. You ain't a Power Ranger, son. What you hopping out of? I'm not hopping out.

You can roll. I have an airbag. I have an airbag. That's true. Right? It has airbags. It has airbags. That's crazy.

Is he saw someone die because they fell asleep on the road? Yeah. Like we saw a human being die. And then Andrew's like, Alex, just put the shit on the wheel and let's just take a nap. I was in the passenger seat, to be a nap i was in the passenger seat to be fair i was in the passenger seat but i also figured they wouldn't make a car that was going to run right into the median that'd be bad for but that'd be bad for the brand right why would you make that car why would tesla make that car and then the whole brand goes to shit it's in your best interest to get me to Boston. It's in your best interest, right? Am I right or wrong?

I love how you gauge your life based on stock prices. You're like, well, clearly they don't want to take a dip on the Dow. They don't want to take a dive. I'm saying you're going speed limit your whole life. You're going 75. I'm usually doing about 10 over. 10 over. Why?

Or flow of traffic. If nobody's going fast, you can't go fast. What if everybody's going 85? You go 20 over? I go with flow of traffic. Again, I'm not weaving you can't go fast. What if everybody's going 85? You go 20 over? I go with flow of traffic. Again, I'm not weaving in and out. I'm not trying to pass everybody up. And I'll do it sometimes.

And then my girl, well, she'll do it too. And she's like, yo, we save five minutes. And I'm like, yo, you're right. I should chill. Because there's times you're trying to catch a train or whatever the fuck, and you're just going all over the road. And then you're like, yo, if I catch the next train, what's the big fucking deal? I can leave 10 minutes earlier just as easily.

Yeah. I leave early. I've had so many friends die from car-related incidents. Really? Like a ton. You acted like motherfuckers don't die on the road. I'm sorry. I grew up in New York City. Nobody had a car.

You die on the subway. That's how you die. And that's rare. Yeah, ain't nobody die on the subway. Very few people die on the subway. Controlled speeds. But I go the speed limit because I'm high, typically. So it's like kind of a fun video game. So you get high. How does that not affect people's driving ability? It certainly does.

It has to. Yeah. I remember the first time Mark got high. We were in Denver. We smoked medical grade marijuana. Mark, for the first time in his life gets high and we realized that we had to drive back to the hotel and then we're like mark you got this right literally i treated it no different than like checking to see if a girl has an std or not

i was like you're good right well you passed the eye test yeah exactly but he got us there yeah but we were dumb for that though we were dumb for that again you go uber there uber back yeah yeah we should have fucking uber that's the thing sometimes it works to your advantage i was in seattle once and i took an illegal medical grade edible yeah i ate like you know one of those buckets of fucking crab that you smash and then i was driving back to my hotel never never been to Seattle before. And about 12 miles away, I missed this turn three separate times. And it was such a big, it was such a big exit that it took me five miles out of the way. And I did that three times in a row. I was so stoned. And after the third time, I finally got it. And I was like, yeah, and I'm

still 12 miles. My phone died. And I'm just the most high I've ever been behind the wheel in a city I've never been to. And I'm like, I think I was near the airport. And I just kind of kept driving towards the airport. And I just happened upon my hotel. And I was like, I'm the smartest man in America. Yo, I always say this. I never, until last week, never done a drug in my life. But I always encourage Cannon.

He's the one comic. Most comics, I'm like, yo, man, don't party too much. Don't get out of trouble. Cannon, I'm like, you do whatever you got to do. Goddamn right. I haven't drank in 13 months, though. Hey, good for you. Yeah.

But what about drugs? Oh, hell yeah. Yeah, no drugs. What about, yes, drugs? Mushrooms? Mushrooms. I did mushrooms at Ricky Velez's wedding in miami that was super fun weird it's kind of an odd thing because everybody's drinking and stuff

and i'm like shaking hands with god in the corner have you done dmt yeah what the fuck is that rogan always talks about it yeah it's i'll give you the abridged version but it's dimethyltryptamine yeah it's what your brain secretes as you're dying a lot of people the theory behind it is that it eases your transition from life into death they also believe it's responsible for steve jobs's last six words which were oh wow oh wow oh wow as he was passing away crazy right and they also think that maybe you just saw all the chinese kids he put in sweatshops waiting for him in the gates of hell. They're just sitting there sharpening throwing stars like, hello, Steve. Just falling out of the buildings they worked in.

Hitting the net and bouncing into it. Oh, wow. That was all their names. That was their names. He literally just said, oh, wow, oh, wow, oh, wow. And it's the most potent hallucinogen on the market or ever. So they found a way to extract it. Synthesize it from a plant.

Okay, synthesize it from a plant. And then you do it. How long does it last? Eight to 12 Earth minutes. But it could feel much different. So my first one was like eight minutes. It felt probably in the proximity of a half hour, I guess. But it's really fast. It's almost too fast to process, especially if you're

not used to hallucinogens, which I am. But your sense of reality breaks down in front of you, and it takes you through levels and dimensions of consciousness but it's really fast and it shoots you up and around or at least for me it shoots you around it kept taking me deeper deeper and then back up as if to show me levels and then i you know a bunch of symbolic stuff happened where my dad like first of all a silhouette of a giant head like kind of came across my periphery and i i was like is that steve bannon i don't know why i thought it was steve bannon but it turned and it was my dad's head and he was just looking at me and then it tore in half and then a bunch of other stuff that

i also have emotional scarring and problems with just it happened in front of me tore in half so it was like a symbolic like let it go get rid of it like you know unload all of this shit that you've been hanging on to and angry about it has stayed with me since but but but i got a little concerned i was like can we cure that shit like no no well also weirdly enough i want to get rid of strip clubs ayahuasca and and and this thing called abelgeen which is a similar similar hallucin, it's like something wild, like 95% to 98% success rate for hardcore heroin addicts. They had a Vice documentary about this where they would take somebody into the desert, give them Abelgeen for an extended amount of time, make them confront all of their demons and everything that they have, their trauma that has led them to medicate with whatever drug they're choosing. that they have their trauma that has led them to medicate with whatever drug they're choosing. And it has shattered that urge and that trauma, and they come out the other side sober.

How does it work for schizophrenia? I assume it's bad. I assume it's bad. I mean, that's the thing. It's like people are like, you're so pro-psychedelics, and you talk about it all the time. And I'm like, I wouldn't even recommend weed to everybody. I wouldn't recommend mushrooms because if you if you're on that border or if you're if you're right there with like any mental illness which i am so probably i'm pretty lucky that it hasn't swung the swung the opposite way but like it could really it could

set that switch you know what i mean it could light that wick where now now you are bipolar yeah no that happened to my bro. Yeah. Psychedelics really sent him over. Yeah. I mean, that's why it's like you got to take precaution with everything you do and really look into it and ask yourself if you feel

like you can take it. So DMT is fucking crazy. DMT is wild, man. But it's one of those things where it's unlike any other hallucinogen where you kind of learn your lessons for the weeks after so it's such a fast process that you kind of come out of it and you're almost like ashton kutcher and butterfly effect like your nose bleeds you're catching up to all your

memories and all that stuff you're just like what the fuck just happened and then over the next week you're kind of like ruminating on it and you you then you attach purpose or meaning to certain things that you saw and it it helps you kind of uh you know process it turbo therapy yeah yeah a little bit just therapy but just much faster oh oh yeah yeah therapy you just think about shit that you talked about and then you're like oh fuck maybe that was that yeah yeah there's this um i mean i felt this way about burning man i probably spoke about it here but like I didn't realize the influence that would have every year you start to like do things or operate a little different and then you're like

oh that's right that's what I kind of picked up from that experience so I guess and drugs are one of them like I tried Molly for the first time and it was the first time that I felt like in excess of love like I filled the hole and then went above the hole and had more

and then what i did with when i had more was just want to give to people and it was like oh this is how like normally adjusted human beings feel like i don't know if that exists maybe not but like you know i thought about religious folks right and this and i've met like preachers and priests and that kind of stuff and regardless if they're like putting it on or not Preachers and priests and that kind of stuff. And regardless if they're like putting it on or not, they're giving. Sure. Now, maybe they found a way to like really tap into that thing they believe and like fill that void that exists in all of us with that and then have some excess. And with that excess, give it away.

Or maybe they're lying. Doesn't matter. But it was the closest thing that I've experienced to that myself. Yeah. Where you're just around some guy like Carl Lentz, this guy, Carl, like he never asked for anything.

All he's like, Hey, you want to come to the Nets game? Hey, how you doing brother? How you everyone never asked for a single fucking thing. Drew Anita, Anita.

There's this, there's the woman who just retired, but she would work the desk at, at the, I heard media. And she was the best. She literally just a ball of fucking joy constantly giving constantly grateful constantly crying tears of joy and gratitude get her a coffee

thank you so much like it was like she operates full yeah right and it's just one of those things where i would never know what that experience was had i not done drugs yeah you unlocked it well i unlocked it. I unlocked it. Now, granted, we have a killer set on stage, and afterwards, you just want to be nice to your girlfriend. That's how I do it. My girl knows I did well when I come home and I'm nice to her. And you go down on her. You want me to help you with the dishes?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's like, wow, somebody killed. Yeah, exactly. She's rooting for me to do well just as much as anybody else. But there does exist next week so i think there is utility in drugs because once you know it can happen it's like when you take some kid who like grew up with like nothing and then you show him the nice part of town yeah once they realize oh shit this is attainable right i can get that then all of a sudden they can dream that big so i think

there is utility in drugs i also think there is a cost to that utility some people get flipped yeah of course i mean i come from a repressed irish catholic household right that was violent like you know so it and all of that stuff like you got like i got hit yeah your dad and mom fight uh no they didn't fight each other they fought me both of them beat you yeah how they beat you? My dad closed fist. My mom ring. Sometimes, yeah. So you guys would square up?

How did that work? No, I mean, I was just the victim for the most part. When my dad and I squared up, he threw a punch at me when I was 19 and on steroids, and it was the biggest mistake of his life. What happened? Because, so I came home. I went to two years of junior college to play basketball. Yeah, Mike can hoop.

I used to be able to. Now I'm a broken down man. But that's what the CBD is for. But yeah. So I had visited my girlfriend at the time at Syracuse. And I knew where I wanted to go to school because I went to junior college because my parents were like, hey, we lost a lot of money in the stock market. My dad was a stockbroker. He's like, if you do this two years, we'll get you, we'll pay for wherever you want to go, wherever you get in afterwards. So I was like, I wanted to go to Ithaca. It was near Syracuse, near the girl I was dating at the time, who I was under the delusion we were going to be with for, you know, I was going to be with forever. I could play basketball there. It had my major, all this stuff. I came home from visiting and I'm like, mom, dad, I found it. I know where I want to go. And I said, Ithaca. And my dad was like,

my parents were in the middle of a divorce, all this turmoil. My grandpa died. My dog died. All my friends are dying, right? And my dad's like, absolutely not fucking SUNY. And I'm like, what? He's like, you can only go to SUNY.

We're not paying for shit. SUNY stands for State University of New York. Right. Which I also got stuck with the bill anyway. So they didn't even pay for SUNY. So my dad, he's just instantly frothing from the mouth, Irish rage, beet red face. And he's in my face just like SUNY motherfucker. And I'm yelling back because I'm 205 pounds of coursing testosterone through my body.

And my dad is 6'2", 280. Okay, big boy. Big motherfucker. And he's the smallest of his brothers too. All his brothers are like 6'4", 6'5". So he's thrown down with big guys too. Big motherfucker. Okay, big boy. Big motherfucker. And he's the smallest of his brothers, too. All his brothers are like 6'4", 6'5". So he's thrown down with big guys, too. Big motherfucker. Okay.

So my dad, whatever, he gets mad, and he threw almost a half-assed uppercut to my body, and I was T-1000 locked in, and I chopped down closed fist on his forearm. So dead forearm the shit out of him. Chopped down, closed fist on his forearm. So dead forearm the shit out of him. And like a right fielder throwing the third, I crow hopped and punched him right in his fucking giant St. Bernard head. Like his Irish melted head. And he's so big, though, he took it square in the face and stumbled back for like, you know, four feet, and then I ran away and I went to Villanova to visit my friends, got arrested for underage drinking while I was there

because I never drank in my entire life. I drank, then I went to visit my buddies and I was drinking like I trained for it. I was smoking weed, all this stuff. I was pissing in the backyard of this party. Hold on, did you say you ran away? Yeah, I ran away as a college man. But you're 19. That's called being

an adult. I ran away as a college man. But you're 19. That's called being an adult. I ran away from home. Did you actually physically run from the fight? Yeah, I hit him. He stumbled back. That wasn't the biggest mistake of his life. He took one punch in the face and then the kid ran away. It was the biggest mistake of his life.

How dare you? How dare you change the narrative of something I've created in my head? He took one punch and he didn't have to pay for college. How many parents would take that bet? Are you kidding me? That's like Kobe paying the girls. He didn't fall down. He stumbled a bit.

He stumbled back 80. He fell. He broke his femur. It was a tough day for Kevin. Dude, he got the best deal. Yeah. I mean, think about that. He saved 80 grand for one punch.

You punched yourself. You put yourself in fucking debt. Dude, are you still paying that off? Yeah, sure. I'm sure. He's healed. He's better. He's 100% okay.

But every month you're paying fucking Sally Banks. Oh, man, this story used to be a success story. No, dude. It's just a fucking brutal tale of failure. It's like every time you do DMT, you rip apart his face, but not that fucking bill. That bill's coming every month. Yo, he might have gained away from 280, but your wallet damn for a long wait. That is right.

About 80,000 light. Oh, dude. This is such an upsetting revelation. Can we FaceTime him right now? I haven't spoken to him in like eight months. Oh, really? Yeah, he hasn't met my kid. What?

Yeah. Why? What happened? Because we have a terrible relationship. We just say, after college. You would think you would make up after you paid for your own college and you didn't have to take it. You think he tells that story to his friends like, my kid punched me in the face and it

was the biggest mistake of his life. I mean, this pussy was on steroids and he couldn't even knock me over. And then he paid for college. All right, we got to take a break for a second because my balls look incredible. All right? Manscaped just dropped a new trimmer.

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Get your discount. Get your balls right. Let's get back to the show. So he hasn't met your kid? No. Why? Because he's just a shithead. I think he's for sure mentally ill.

And I try to approach this which is with as much empathy and understanding as i possibly can because my family is not an open communicative family now the people that i keep close to me are my sisters and i are my mother and i are my father what is ir communicative so we speak our community yeah my mother and i are i are okay yeah we we like i thought it was injured reserve is like you're punching these chicks too like what's going on over here cannon's family i didn't find out that there was a uh there was a history of mental illness in my family until like five years ago like i didn't know my dad's dad i mean i knew he like beat him up and all that stuff but irish people need a charlemagne. Like someone just go out there and like tell Irish people it's okay to seek mental health.

Yeah. Yeah. Because people don't realize the Irish Catholics in general do not fuck with mental health. No. Tell the priest stiff upper lip. Get back to your fucking business. Yeah. Yeah.

Get to work. Get to work. Get to work. And then there's all this drug use. There's all this drinking and there's all these families that are like really torn apart. It's kind of sad. Yeah, it's brutal. So keep going.

So we, like my dad, my dad's dad, he was a cop. Everybody in the family is a cop. And he fucking stuck his service revolver in his mouth in front of all eight of his kids in Levittown, New York. He didn't pull the trigger. They like wrestled the gun away from him. Spent time in an insane asylum, then was doped up on his couch for two years. I only found out about that five years ago. So I've been wrestling with my own depression, anger issues, anxiety, all this stuff, thinking I'm a mutant, thinking that nobody in my family... Yeah. And I'm like, what did I just... How did i get poisoned how did this yeah hit just me and then it was like the the clouds parted once my sister was like oh no we

come from a long line of maniacs so your sister broke it down to you yeah yeah she was aware of all this my sister's older she's older yeah okay interesting and and is she has she tried to like break that chain a little bit both of us have have because that's the reason why. It's really – I'm very aware that it's a harsh, harsh move to separate my son from his grandfather and to not speak to him. But it's a thing where I cannot allow that active toxicity to come into my family. I have to break the chain. Yeah, when you've got a kid, it's a whole different thing. You also got to do stuff for yourself. But when your kid is involved, it's like, nah, I can't.

I can weather the storm. I don't want that to now bleed into my kid. You also don't have to, but then you can't let it happen to your kid. Right. Like, I don't have to weather the storm, but I also cannot let this happen. Because at that young age, man, they're so formative. Like, the things that happen to them as kids do really kind of define their, like, self-esteem and self-worth for the rest of their lives, dude. It's crazy.

Yeah. Dude, my wife's aunt, who will remain nameless, but she has some body image issues, let's just say. My kid is six months old and she started being like, he's a little chubby. And I'm like, I might twist your head off your shoulder. Like, are you fucking kidding? You're implanting body image issues in my baby? You're a parent, so you get this more than most. Skinny babies are ugly also, for the record.

Of course. Yeah, I don't want a hot six-month-old with V-abs. Get the fuck out of here. But one of the trickiest things about a newborn baby is getting it to eat. That's the whole point. Yeah, it's actually difficult. People don't realize this, but any of my friends who have kids, they're like's the whole point yeah it's actually difficult people don't realize this but when any of my friends who have kids they're like your whole day you're like

please just eat yeah and don't throw up right because i need to keep you alive you don't realize how important it is that you eat and i just need you to eat so if your baby is a little fat you're like thank god yeah the thing i was most afraid of is taking care we'll work that out when you're fucking eight or something when you're hungry you want you're just getting active once you're able to walk yeah like what the fuck he's barely he's fat he can't exercise yeah dude and it's like all he's eating is breast milk and uh organic vegetables yeah it's like whoa how would you how would you change his diet dude you see these things just give him a spoonful of blow. Parents will, and they do it kind of unknowingly, man.

It's like there's my girl's mom, who's like really sweet and is great, but I can see things that, issues my girl kind of has that she's inherited from her mom. Her mom got me a Christmas present. It was so sweet. She got me some books and this really great granola from from santa barbara and there's all these like things she got and then she got one other thing she got these under eye patches she thinks he looks sleepy i'm like oh thank you for letting me know how you feel about my under eye. But for Christmas, like, but she like snuck it in for Christmas. And I'm like, oh, my God, my girl probably had to go through that.

Passive aggressive. Like the passive aggressive. You can fix that. You can make that a little bit better. You know what's wild about that? Do they work? Because I would need some of that. We both do.

But I have to, off principle, look worse to let her know that you're not going to suggest things to make me better. And this whole thing with like, by the way, like this whole thing with like how we look like. Have you seen Sharon Osbourne lately? No. She looks unreal. Like amazing. Yeah. Like we've there was a time where surgery was bad and made you look stupid.

Right. And then still there. There's a tipping point. There's a time where surgery was bad and made you look stupid. It's still there. There's a tipping point. There's a tipping point. The Kardashians, like Bruce, Caitlyn Jenner is an attractive woman now. I stand behind that. I'm going to firmly disagree. Get a picture up. Get a picture up.

She's 75 years old. I'll put her up against any other 75-year-old woman. She's better looking at my mom. No, but that's Olympian man body, yo. No, I'm not talking body. I'm just talking about face. Oh, because look at her knees. It's like a lopsided grapefruit with turkey over it.

It's brutal. Why are you looking at her knees? Dude, if you get a picture of her now, look at that top left one. Nah, yo. First of all, that's the last Instagram filter for sure. Yeah. I'm saying for 75-year-old women. She looks like a surprised fish.

Listen, there's one right there. Do you see the one, Karen Jenner, children athlete? It's second row, one over. Oh, my God. This one? I think that one. No, that one's not good. Nah, bro.

Come on. Bitch is very foolish. That is Tim Burton presents Caitlyn Jenner. Now, wait for it. Now, here's what I'm saying. god this one i think that one no that one's not good so bro come on no that is that is tim burton presents caitlin jenner now wait for it now here's what i'm saying what we're coming from we're coming from a man and now we're getting to a woman if we saw that as a woman on the street we wouldn't question if she's a woman that's how yeah amazing the surgery is is getting right i saw sharon osborne at the fucking grammys or whatever that shit was the other night and she was hosting something and i was like whoa they really figured this shit out like by the time we're old we will have the choice to not be old right and sharon osborne is also eating like stem cell cereal yeah she's that wealthy we will be able to

do it too it's gonna get affordable it's gonna get accessible so all these people now doing all these skincare regimens and fucking under eye and all this it's a waste just let it all go and then when we're at that point run it back it's like tires for cars dude i'm really sincere wear them out and then run it back because the more like shaky more like a stretchy your skin gets the more the filler and stuff is gonna work work. I'm 100% positive about this. She's an attractive 75-year-old woman. Yeah, that's an airbrush pick. But yeah, she looks good in that one.

Al? Nah. Nah, yo. Come on, man. It's because you know she has a fucking dick. Nah, she doesn't anymore, though. No, she still has a dick. I don't think so.

She got it chopped? I think so. I don't think she got it chopped. I don't understand the rules of this shit. What do you mean? Is that a woman with a dick? Bro, there's no rules. There's no rules to any of this fucking shit, dude.

It's absurd. And she's not gay, but she dates women. And I got to call her she. Stop, stop, stop. Don't even get into making sense of these. These are people who are insane. This is an insane person. It's an insane person.

Anybody who wants to cut anything off their body, they're insane. okay you can be insane but you're insane alex's face oh guys guys guys guys guys guys guys guys it's insane like let me just put in perspective you know those people that like got those earrings and they made their ear grow grow grow yeah and you looked at them you're like oh that guy's insane he did that with his pussy right he gauged his pussy like he made a pussy and we're looking at that like no that's that's that's how you're supposed to be asian gauge to white gauge it's insane i'm not saying don't do it you can have gauges you can do whatever you want you want to have full face tattoos? Do whatever the fuck you want. But if I go based on my definition of insane, which is like, I throw that word around a lot.

Yeah, yeah. Insane is anything. I call myself insane. Dude, if you eat cilantro, to me, I'm like, you are fucking clinically insane. That's how much I hate cilantro. So is it the same level of insane to eat cilantro? If you hate your dick as much as cilantro? Actually, that's quite reasonable to me.

If Trace just said to me, listen, we feel about our dicks the way you feel about cilantro, I'd be like, lop that shit off, bro. That's baked into my seamless order. It's skin garnish. Get it the fuck out of here. It's skin garnish.

Skin garnish. Can we talk about uh can we talk about the how do i want to fucking get into this how how fucking bought and purchased these these like these news networks are and this is a great way to get into maybe the conspiracy theory because i want want to hear your argument or not yours, but the argument for a lot of these conspiracies that we hear. Because you're like more nuanced and you like know about it because you did this podcast, but about it. But seeing CNN put these hit pieces out on Joe Rogan because he supported Bernie Sanders. supported bernie sanders it is so like it is so transparent now yeah that they are just a pr arm for the liberal elites choosing whatever candidates they think will do their bidding the democrat republicans that's a great way of putting it it is because we always knew fox news was that for republicans and we were okay with it but the democrats masqueraded or by the way democrats i don't

mean like the three of us sitting here four of us sitting here i'm talking about the elites the people that are billionaires the people that are in the party the harvey weinstein's the heart no i'm talking the people that manipulate the party the people that pay for the party because politicians aren't even the ones who are the power brokers they're the pawns they do the work right they're like hey they're the slaves of the rich and they pretend to be liberal but in reality it's like let's tell the masses we care about them but let's get the archival is there a better time than right now to be a rich liberal

there isn't because you can act as if you're pure of heart morality wise you can be out there you can say fuck Trump because it's very easy and it gives you instant credibility but at the same time you're hoping for his re-election because you get to keep your fucking money. Son, you're 100% right.

No liberal is upset. No rich liberal is upset when Trump gets reelected. Because you are not affected by any of the things that Trump is against. They keep their gardeners in cages. They don't give a fuck. They call them hedges. But it is whatever. You call it what you want.

They've been making them build the wall for years but it's so true it's they act like all these fucking actors that's why i really love the gervais thing it's like shut the fuck up all of you you don't care you're gonna save way more money like you see all these fucking dude you see every for whatever like you see the john olivers and the trevor knows and these are smart guys i'm not saying they're not smart guys but like and we spoke about those on this podcast it's like you can't criticize how greedy republicans are and come here into america only because you can make more money than where you're from sure you're it's literally the same thing ever know i could probably do some good in south africa too a lot of foul shit going on. They could use a voice like that.

And not to mention. Not enough money. You hear it with your white girl talking about racism. And monetizing evil in their own viewpoint. This is like a point Michelle Wolf made in the correspondence thing. But she was like, you guys say you hate Trump, you love him. Because he raised your bottom line. He is earning you so much money and attention. Every woke entertainer has a career because of Trump. Listen, say whatever you want about Trump, right? He makes everybody money.

The people that hate him. SNL's ratings through the roof once they brought Alec Baldwin on to make fun of Trump. Well, it's high for SNL. It's a low-ass roof. Through the roof for them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, way more interest. Way more conversation. So you could say every week you hate it, but you know where your bread is buttered. You know. Yeah.

Like, what's his face? Stephen Colbert. Bruh. You're a devout Catholic. Right. You probably feel the same way about abortion. A rich, devout Catholic. A rich... If you ask him about abortion, I bet you his real feeling is not fam. Yeah. I bet you he probably sides Republican on most things.

Not to mention how shitty of a career move or, you know, he's making money. Who cares? But how how bizarre is it to go from satirically talking politics on Comedy Central to being realistic to seriously talking politics in late night comedy. That's a brutal existence. It's so true. Yeah, he sucks. He also got a fucking Trump Showtime show that he produces about anti-Trump.

I think he bums me out the most because I used to like him so much. Because I was such a fan of his work. And not because of the political message, but because he was attacking both sides what I always used to say at the time because I for the record have caught on to dumb liberals as soon as I moved to New York I was like oh this out pretty quickly I can't wait to meet these because I grew up with closed-minded people and I was like I can't wait to meet open-minded people and I was like oh you're actually more closed-minded than this guy yeah because you judge anything that's not your definition of open-minded as wrong yeah and uh i don't remember what my fucking point

well no no like a southern racist doesn't hate you based on what you think just your color of your skin right yeah whereas like a northern racist will hate you for both right yeah it's double the hate we'll treat you a certain way because of your skin and then hate you for your view. What I used to get bothered by, like annoyed by, is it was easy to satirize Republicans with Colbert. And I was like, why is it so hard to do this for Democrats? And now Democrats have done us the favor of being so ridiculous on the far left that I'm wondering, how is there not a Colbert for the left wing? Well, Portlandia kind of is. Like, that's the mocking of the left.

bear for the left wing well portlandia kind of is like that's the mocking of the left because that they they make fun of the portland scene which is the ultra liberal progressive to the point where they're actually hardcore conservative yeah it's it's a it's a weird it's a great show yeah i haven't seen it it's an interesting show i'll put it that way i'm not sitting there like cackling the whole fucking time but it's cool that someone's actually satirizing my favorite line of it and i'm sure you've been to portland right yeah this but it's cool that someone's actually satirizing. My favorite line of it, and I'm sure you've been to Portland, right? This is a perfect description. They say, Portland is where 20-year-olds go to retire. It's a perfect line.

And it's one of the few places where homeless people will be like, hey, do you have $5? It's like, what? You didn't even sing. I come from the pros. You want to know something interesting about how fucking... What piece of shit all these people... So the wokest place in the world, Portland, right? The most progressive place in the world,

the most pro-women and pro-women's rights and pro-equality has more strip clubs per capita than any other place in the world. Yeah. So all that woke, let's not objectify women shit goes right out the window when you're in the privacy of a strip club. Well, because then it's empowering. They've chosen to monetize their body. Can we stop with this?

You're a whore if you're empowered. Are there any fucking women out there that don't suck everybody's dick and are empowered? Like, my mom came here with no education started a business okay became successful and bought property and she wasn't sucking dick and getting cummed on her back and fucking talking about it all the time to prove how empowered of a woman she is you're just a whore just because you fuck a lot doesn't mean you're empowered you're a whore which is cool nobody's saying you can't be a whore go for it be a whore but that doesn't equate to you being an activist

you are actively being a whore that's totally different there are tons of women who've done amazing things in the world and none of them did it by sucking dick all the time whatever what we've made empower empowered women blows my mind your mom empowered my mom empowered made more money than my dad her entire life cooked for us clean force was a fantastic mother the sweetest person on earth and then i have white girls at comedy shows being like you just don't like strong women no you're a bitch i was raised by a strong woman you just talk too much that's all I love strong women yeah

and you know what you could be a bitch and a strong woman I'm sure there's points in your time where my mom's been a bitch your mom's been a bitch I'm sure

but it's like I didn't call your mom a bitch I know I'm good my mom's been a bitch I've seen it mine too I mean I would never say

about my mom but you know whatever to each their own I'm not mad at whatever I said Caitlyn Jenner looks better than my mom so that's it I'm not mad at points being made but all I'm, you know, whatever. To each their own. I'm not mad at whatever. I said Caitlyn Jenner looks better than my mom.

I'm not mad at points being made. But all I'm saying, it's a weird thing where like, you can encase anything in, in like progressivism or like activism. Any behavior you do now, any behavior you do that wasn't allowed in the past, all of a sudden is activism. Sure. Right? We found righteousness for our shittiness yes so it's like for women they couldn't fuck everybody back in the day

because you'd get pregnant we we literally just didn't want you to get pregnant it's like the nicest thing right it's the fucking kindness advice like hey you shouldn't fuck anyway why not well you get pregnant by everybody. You know what I mean? Like, have you ever seen a dog? They don't like that. The fucking million Dalmatians running around, right? These girls, they go, okay, we couldn't do that, so I'm going to do the thing we couldn't

do, and now I am progressive. Or now I'm an activist. And I'm going to stop doing the things that we were known for doing, and that will also make me progressive or empowered. I'm going to stop doing the things that we were known doing, known for doing. And that will also make me progressive or empowered. I'm going to brag about what a shitty parent I am. I don't need to.

Bro, this girl, she was in the front row of the show. I asked her if she cooked and I didn't even ask it as an insulting way. It was just, it was, it wasn't like, oh, you're a woman, you got to cook. Like nothing. It was something about they made dinner at home or something like that. It was supernatural. I was like, oh, did you cook? And she's like, oh, no, I don't cook.

And I've seen girls get empowered by this. And it's like, imagine we and men identify with, I don't know, I don't protect women. Like, imagine we got to, I don't provide for my wife. My girl got it. My girl, no, protect. I mean, in fairness, that is Brooklyn. I don't protect women. I can't build things.

Are any of these girls happy in their hipster relationships? We need to do a real review. No, they're getting fucked by men with fiberglass ankles. There's no way that they're being correctly satiated. I just, I don't get it. I don't, I don't get it. There's no way you're happy. I can't fathom you're happy.

I can't fathom you're happy. I can't fathom it. Are they happy? See, I personally don't care what empowers you. Like, I really don't care. I kind of understand being not allowed to do something, then almost going the exact opposite way and doing it. It's called being a child. Yeah, that's me. You're a child.

I was told anybody who held a beer was an alcoholic. So when I started drinking, I veered completely. Like like I hit the ground running and went crazy, right? And then you became a fucking adult. Yeah, of course. Right now you haven't drank for 13 months because you're like, oh, I got to get my shit together. Right. Right? Yeah.

What I personally don't like, and I've spoken about this before, is the people co-opting activism where it's like the Women's march, all well and good, I don't care, march. I think it should be their choice. However, when you see white women like Emily Ratajkaka holding her fist up like this as a white woman and co-opting the black power fist and not even getting a shred of irony or insanity that that represents, that to me is the ultimate white privilege. She's too hot to be self-aware.

Real talk, if there is any of these Instagram models that are holding a fist by their face and there is not a dick in it pointing at their mouth, I don't want to fucking see it. I don't want to. This is the only time you should have a fist by your face if it's going boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. That's the only way.

It is absolutely absurd. The idea that she can like, she can like, like, what is it called? Go off on like the importance of like feminism, like how stupid objectifying women is when literally for a living, she's built a career out of it. There's a lot of things that we got to call out right now. She's really blurring the lines. This is the thing. This whole thing, to be honest with you.

Blurred line? I got you. I got you. This is another thing that we got to stop. Ready? Hot, super hot, beautiful women shaving their heads and doing the no makeup thing. It's arrogant. You don't need makeup.

You're just, you're going, we have to stop these makeup companies. No, no, you're going, I'm so hot. Yeah. I can make myself ugly

and I'm still hot. Yeah, other houses need paint. Yeah. Just because you look great as a wood structure does not mean other places don't need to fucking color some shutters. What does he say? He has a joke about Alicia Silverstone.

Alicia Key. Or Alicia Silverstone gets naked in some ad and everybody's like, oh, that's so brave. He's like, that's not brave. That's a beautiful woman. If I got, they're like, oh, that woman is so brave. Because if I got naked for an ad, then people would be like, oh my God, she is so brave.

She is so brave is good. But that she is so brave shit they do with Lizzo all the time, too. They're like, oh my god, she's so brave because she's being naked. No, we just let her walk around with no self-awareness. I also find her attractive. Who, Lizzo? Yeah. For what? I don't know. I think she's like a love sack.

I don't know. I think her face is pretty. can just sit on just conform i think she would be too much for my penis personally but uh i'd like to give it a try she'd probably tear it out of the ground like a turnip but still it's just a weird thing like maybe it's up to maybe it's up to men because we all do what gets rewarded right like like guys we're gonna do what women reward and i think women will do what we reward and it's like maybe we got to be better and not fucking rewarding these because that's the thing where we're fucking stupid we're a bunch of idiots is that we reward the exact girls that we criticize like we can sit here and go emily radikowsky

and i follow her if so do i and i'm look. And if she has multiple pictures, I'm going to scroll. Right? And it's like. Never like. Just save. Of course. Save. Ooh.

For later. There you go. The modern age spank bank. Is the Instagram saved? So we're a piece of shit too. It's like we're rewarding the thing we're criticizing. No. Maybe we need to go out there and we need to find the girls that are doing it the fucking

right way and then reward that. I mean, we do that in our private lives. Right? That's who I'm married to. That's all the and we need to find the girls that are doing it the fucking right way and then reward that i mean we do that in our private lives right like that's all the girls that's all the people we marry to all of our girlfriends are the girls we admire right the girls we've always looked up to that have personality traits that we've seen maybe in our moms or like family members other people that we really like thought i need to make a life and make some kids with this person right um but then the people we publicly reward are never those girls and the second any one of those girls like that girl jessica chastain you know like the red head it's like all like political and she's in hollywood and she's like she's beautiful but she's

doing like roles where women are smart and we're just like yeah you can't show your tits in space maybe we're fucking up yeah so then what do we do? How do we deal with the fucking beast in us That just wants Jessica Chastain I never She's beautiful She's from Jurassic World Is that the chick?

No Zero Dark Thirty right? I literally fell asleep at Zero Dark Thirty Because I was like it's about the bitch Who looked at the maps Like what the fuck you know I literally fell asleep in that movie I was like, it's about the bitch who looked at the maps? Like, what the fuck, yo? I literally fell asleep in that movie. I was like, this whole movie about the bitch

figuring out where he is? You keep taking pregnant pauses after being like, the bitch? Because I'm trying to figure out what she did. What the whole movie about? She knew Arabic. Did she? Yeah. She was speaking in Arabic.

There's a whole bunch of women that speak Arabic, and their men don't respect them, so why the fuck I got to respect this bitch for speaking Arabic? Yeah, so she found Bin Laden? Was that the whole thing? Son, I'm dead ass. I fell asleep in that movie. I was like, nothing's happening. I thought we were fucking, I thought the whole movie was getting Bin Laden out of there.

That's the last 10 minutes. I was up for that. The rest of the movie slept. Dead ass slept immediately. 20 minutes in, I was like, this is enough. We haven't found him yet. Enough with the preamble. Get to the mountains.

Right? Bruh. All right, let's take a break for a second. We got to pay a little bills here. Talking about paying bills, I want you to pay less. I want you to pay less for your bills. This is very simple. You got student loans, right? You're paying too much. You're paying too much for those loans. Matter of fact,

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What do we do? What do you do if you're listening? Tell us what we fucking do. Maybe there's somebody else we need to be rewarding. Or maybe it's just like a natural like tearing off of the scab or tearing off the bandaid it just gets a little aggressive at first and then eventually everybody kind of settles in like maybe you need to be loud when you're fighting

against something like maybe in order for girls like own their sexuality they had to be like really loud whores about it you gotta overcorrect yeah you overcorrect yeah that's a that's a good way of looking it's like South Park writing 58 fucks in an episode and Comedy central being like we can only allow eight and they're like we only wanted five yeah you know oh see now you take them that okay they wanted five dicks yeah so they went

through all the five dicks and then eventually they realized oh god i can like just get a job and be empowered and i can fuck whoever i want it's okay so maybe maybe that is good you know it's funny you said in order for women to be empowered they got to be like really loud whores but doesn't it feel that way like it's such a funny word choice really loud whores they're not quiet about it it's a it's a fucking loud like they're a bunch of chatty clams but they're just if they're chatting to be okay but like the screaming and like the aggressiveness about the dicks, it's just peculiar. I do find it odd. They're fretboards.

Because I consider myself a pretty open-minded, traditionally liberal, not the new neoliberal thing, traditionally liberal type of person. However, the most progressive podcasts that I do or media or anything that I go in, I find it to be the most judgmental room I step into. Oh, yeah. So I have to almost – like that whole story about my parents and getting hit and stuff like that, I almost have to lead with that just to give my worth as a – like just to prove I've been traumatized so I can have an opinion. Yes. There's value in your oppression. Yeah.

And you're a white guy. I think Jared Freed has it right where he's like it's the trauma Olympics where everybody is trying to put out there what they've been through. What do we call the oppression Olympics? Oppression Olympics. It may have been you guys then. But yeah, it was like it's one of those things that's perfect because everybody is trying to prove their worth through what horrible shit they've been through. Yeah. It's an odd way to weigh it.

Yeah, but you know what it is? That's valuable like being good at like shuffleboard you know like it's in the olympics you'll get a medal but outside of that you work at home depot like there's your life sucks right so it's like if you have an actual skill regardless of how much oppression you've gone through that will separate you from the pack the people that yeah the people that ultimately have the skills will win it's an arms race right it's not who got destroyed in the war it's like it's who won it well it's an arms race where a lot of people aren't reporting on the work that's being done by one side like where they're

the loudest pr branch is typically with the people that you know are very vocal and very loud and not necessarily building a foundation yeah yeah and they need to because that's the crazy you know you read especially with comedy you read the comedy blogs and you see these opinions being represented and then you go to a club and you're like, well, this doesn't exist. Like, it must not. I mean, it kind of exists. Last night. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Last night, we're at the Patrice benefit. Louis C.K. walked out. Standing ovation. Did women duck for cover? Say what? Did women cover their eyes and duck for cover? That'd be funny.

But no, he just came out standing ovation. I mean. I saw him laughing at a couple andrews jokes backstage which was dope that was cool that's nice he was super nice man and like him and burr were just nice which is just such a fucking cool thing when you look up to somebody and then you know they give you even the smallest compliment so you're really valuable and then but to see him go on stage and people stand up and to see that kind of like redemption story that's happening and him being hilarious about it and other stuff but and nuanced his stuff about it is real nuanced from both sides like i haven't seen that i think i

think people like people would be interested to see it and hear it because it's he's doing it exactly how he should he's slowly building it up with the people that want to see it and hear it because it's he's doing it exactly how he should he's slowly building it up with the people that want to see it and then when the time is right he'll give it to the world and when he gives it to the world i think they'll understand the perspective and i think that they'll be supportive of it um but when i saw those people stand up and granted it's the patrice benefits so you know those are the people that love louis and that type of comedy but when i saw them stand up i was like oh you're not canceled forever you know and i was sitting there next to shane you're suspended you're suspended you're suspended and i'm sitting there next to shane gillis and i'm like

you're gonna be good yeah like you're gonna be good it's gonna take a little bit of time but i promise you you're gonna be good and this is the power of having a people and he fucking can't like, I was sitting there watching. I was like, this is why he's great. Like he, Louie does this thing.

He never asks for, he never asked for a bigger laugh than he gets, you know, like some guys will deliver hard and they're like, where is it? He will never deliver a line with more of a request than the audience is willing to give so he'll if the line gets an eight he delivers it at a seven he's always underneath what they're gonna bounce back with and just watching him kind of do it and people be supportive

and people fucking laugh at the situation man it was just it was really cool to see do you think he'll uh he'll be on a platform like do you think he'll be given mainstream access i hope he doesn't netflix will i i hope i maybe netflix will but i hope he doesn't i hope he does it himself the five dollar on his website or yeah or youtube it yeah for free like the way we make money is on the road this idea that where we all want to be like sitcom stars like don't aren't those the comics we hate right aren't don't we hate the comics that aren't in this for the comedy like

the days where we had to use this as leverage to be an actor sucked right and comedy sucked because of it why don't the people that just want to do comedy do comedy it is scary but when you think about it from the outside, once you start doing it, it's like,

oh, my career is more in my hands than it's ever been. Yeah, it's the player empowerment period of comedy. It's hard to be getting $10 million a pop, whatever you're doing, but you can make a good amount of money and do exactly what you want to do and put it out to people and people will eat it. I mean, you're a perfect example of it. You were on every TV show last year,

right? Getting nothing. Getting nothing. You're no TV shows this year, and you're selling out shows in fucking India. Making more money, doing what I like. Every show I would do,

I would promote, and it'd be cool that I was on TV, but most all of them, I was like, ah, fuck. Or it's like, this isn't bad.

Yeah. But this very, this podcast is fucking great yeah i've truly believed this is great and i look back on this and i'm proud of it and then i look at the clips i put out and i'm like that's me that's what i want to put out yeah there's no oh do this as a stepping stone to get to this to get to this and you you circle back to a while and out clip and you're like god damn it's just a different fucking day man all right well before um we get out of here so mike cannon is a um i don't know if you're a conspiracy theorist but

you're very knowledgeable of conspiracy theories i hosted a i hosted a podcast for a long time and i was for sale it's it's mike i told my conspiracy theory co-host, because he's a 53-year-old truther. The show ended because he was so into Flat Earth. Every conversation circled back to it and became impossible to discuss anything. But I told him it's his major life failure that he didn't make me a full-fledged conspiracy theory. He had a week. Every week, he had you there. I was open.

I was totally open, man. I really was. And he failed. So your role on the show was like, you're the guy who wants to believe, but you don't fully believe. I don't believe I want to believe I'm open to believing. I'm asking questions that I feel like I that I want to know the answer to that I that I think everybody else that is listening wants to know the answer to. And it just so happened that like a lot of it poked holes. But that's that's kind of what I was trying to do. I was like, okay,

defend your argument. If I can question this. And then it all comes back to like, well, you didn't do your research. And it's like, yeah, I know.

And I'm not gonna, you're the reason why. Yeah. You're the research. Yeah. You have to prove this is true. Right. Yeah.

Yeah. It's not on me to prove the earth is round. Right. Right. It's on you to say otherwise. Innocent till proven guilty. Of course. Yeah.

Yeah. So, uh, I just want to go over some quick ones and then just hear his take because I don't even – I've never even spoken to a flat earth guy. Sure. For these people. Okay. Flat earth. Why is it flat?

So the earth being flat, they say – which is – this is ass backwards in and of itself. The whole is in the theory. So the theory is that right now we're being tricked and taught that we're insignificant specks on a rock hurtling through an infinite abyss. So we mean nothing. The universe is ever expanding. It's not about us, whatever. The fact that they say the earth is flat, we're actually the center of the universe, and we are a deity of sorts. So it's a full religion because – So it's arrogance. We're important.

This is why. And honestly – so this is my theory. All the conspiracy theorists that I ever interviewed, that I ever spoke to, had a major life trauma that they went through that then put their focus entirely onto the outside world and how the world was set up to fuck them over. So they were no longer looking internally because that's too painful. So they were paying attention then to the outside world and just being like, so what is going on here? Because not everything is going right for me. That's what I came away with.

So obviously the question that you asked the Flat Earthers was, has anybody been to the end? Right. And this is easily debunkable shit. They're like, nobody has ever made a pole-to-pole journey. Of course they have. Like, they have. They say it's a lie.

They say several countries, nations are guarding this one area that's near the two-mile-high ice wall at each pole. It's literally a Game of Thrones world that they're painting. ice wall at each pole. It's literally a Game of Thrones world that they're painting. And like, you know, the other side of the ice wall is like, you know, that's where they keep the old rockets and dinosaurs and shit like that. And I've heard this theory. I don't know if this is the centralized theory, but the theory is that it's like an ice tray, right? And we happen to be a thawed out ice cube that sprouted life. So what's beyond those ridges, those walls, could be other thawed out ice cubes. And they believe that life could exist on other flat terrain as well.

So then all these space explorations... Space doesn't exist. Space is not a thing. Other planets, although they're round, which doesn't add up, although they're round, they may in fact be sentient beings. We're not sure.

Okay, so debunked. They may in fact be sentient beings. We're not sure. Okay, so debunked. Flat Earth. Can I just cut to what's the craziest conspiracy theory that you do believe? That I do? Well... 9-11. So here's the thing. Is 9-11... Do I think our government was behind it? No.

What I believe about conspiracy is that our country is really great at optimizing catastrophe. So when we hear something – like I think it might have been a Pearl Harbor situation where we may have had – They might have known and they just ignored the information. We might have known. We didn't know the gravity of it. It happened, whatever.

Do I think certain evidence was planted like a fully preserved passport of one of the pilots on the other side of the wreckage? Yeah, I think that – What? Yeah, dude. They found like a passport of one of the pilots like you know strewn on the floor of the fucking world trade center and it's like oh and unburned perfect so you know that stuff but it's like the proof is in the pudding it got us into two wars that we had no business being in under the guise of an attack coming from these countries right and obviously

look at all the shit with Saudi Arabia now. It's still coming out how much they kind of manipulate our government. And didn't they get sued in a civil suit? Yeah. And lost? And lost, yeah. So what does that mean?

That means that they were, well, the 28 pages redacted from the official 9-11. So that Kobe girl couldn't sue Kobe. Yeah. But some people could sue the Saudi Arabian government and win. And win. And not the Saudi Arabian government and win.

And win. And not receive a cent. I'm assuming. Oh, they didn't get paid? I'm assuming. I mean, have you ever heard of a payout? I mean, how would you get it? Exactly.

Yeah. What jurisdiction? Who's making anybody pay? It's almost like the FBI admitting that they assassinated MLK and then putting out some sort of social media. I guess people sued. You know about the lawsuit. What was the lawsuit?

The lawsuit was responsibility for death, was wrongful death. They sued Saudi Arabia. Yeah, and they won. And they, I guess, proved in a court of law that Saudi Arabia had known about the attacks. Well, the 28 pages that were redacted initially from the official report were since declassified and all of it pointed to Saudi Arabia. It's crazy. Wasn't bin Laden from a Saudi family, though? He was a prince, yeah.

So could that be how Saudi Arabia is? But he was detached from the Saudi family, right? But you think it was the Saudi family that they pointed to? I think they... So I'm ill-in informed it's a it's a what is it called a royalty what is that called uh but they sued the government so it had to be like a widespread politically known thing it wasn't necessarily tracked to just a saudi person what's building seven why do people always know that that is a thing that i'm creeped out by

because you hear you know there's video of the guy that owned the building saying pull it. And then like a controlled demolition, the building came down. And the official report is that it was burning and collapsed and the building wasn't burning. What was in the building? I heard Popular Mechanics put out a thing with two engineers being like, no, this is how it could happen. I mean, they did that for the towers, I think, with the whole jet fuel can't melt. So there's building seven, which is a third building that collapsed. And then what was in there that they would want to collapse?

I have no idea. I don't know. So that's the thing. It's like all of this. They were just planning on doing it in a couple months. And it was like, well, if it's here, you know what I mean? We've got a whole thing. Insurance.

That could be motivation enough. Billions in insurance. That's the thing. If you know something's going to happen and people are looking the other way because it's advantageous for the company, the company, the country, and then all of a sudden some guy who has friends that are the powers that be finds out that it's going to happen and goes, hey, I got a building I'd like to collect on. It's on New York though.

Look, whatever. My issue with these things is always it's hard to keep a secret it's hard to keep a secret amongst two people hard to keep i mean look at comics now you tell one comic one thing 14 comics here and a podcast audience yeah like it's gonna it's gonna happen yeah okay um other. The school, they say, wasn't shot up. Yeah, that's the worst one that we went through, and we poured over it because a lot of conspiracy theorists, first of all, don't even believe that Sandy Hook Elementary was an active school. It was. My wife's cousin went there. She was friends with one of the little girls that got shot. It was an active school.

So end of story right here. End of story. They also believe that none of the kids have died. They've since gone after parents, showed up to their house harassing them, saying, prove your kid was ever alive. And they're like, you can't do it, can you? You can't do it.

And it's like, get the fuck off my lawn. What are you doing? Those people should be shot. They really should, because there was this guy, Wolfgang Halbig, who was actually friends with my co-host, who would basically – he was the head of the Sandy Hook truther movement. Yeah. And he unleashed all of these people.

He doxed the parents. He let them know where they lived, and people were starting to show up or send things to their houses. Now, you invite them into your house if you live in Texas, and then you shoot them in the fucking face. It's castle doxing. But it's connection. I don't know if they have any laws like that outside of texas but i know texas gun laws i can shoot this motherfucker hey come in let's talk about this bang wait you can shoot anybody in your house for whatever reason i i there's something called castle doctrine i'm

pretty sure is if you can just say the person was breaking in yeah it's there it's your story against you're on my property i can shoot You're really unwelcome on my property. So if a guy's on my lawn, you just come on in, man. Let's talk about this. Here's the frustrating... Let's take this inside. It's like, I'm not a vampire. But the frustrating thing...

She will be dead forever. And there won't be any proof that you ever existed because he got no friends, you fucking losers. That is something that is often the case with these guys right is there there's an isolation to the loaners yeah loaners okay um okay so obviously well the frustrating thing about that is the the the official report of basically every incident is is uh it's problematic like there are there are there are inconsistencies that it's similar to the news where, you know, the news is now on the scene at first.

They're reporting things before they're even verified. So all this information goes out and then conspiracy theorists use those reports against other people to prove that it's untrue. You know, then the news is such a fucking idiot. With Sandy Hook, they filmed another school and a drill of kids leaving that school. And then they put it up on CNN and people are like, that's not even Sandy Hook, see?

It's not even the real school. And we see this all the time. Yeah. You know, they're doing like they're trying to show images of like the war in Baghdad or something like that and they actually take it from Syria. They show Detroit. Yeah, okay, now I understand. So you just need one falsehood to open up the door for these folks. Okay. People believe what they want to believe. Yep.

Yes. And now, especially with YouTube, YouTube is some people's accredited education. Like, people will go to YouTube and pour over hours and hours of conspiracy footage, and then once they come out the other side and they've memorized their talking points, like a lot of people who watch CNN or Fox News, it's the same as being a pundit. They all have their thing.

And if you aren't as well versed in their insanity as they are, you're now incorrect. Yeah, that's interesting. Yeah. And maybe I just don't want to believe in conspiracies because it's just messy. And I just like to keep that in a little box over there and not deal with that. Who gives a fuck? They exist, for sure. I mean, look, the simple fact that the FBI was found guilty for assassinating Martin Luther King Jr.

How? Because it was in a trial in the 90s. What is it? I'm looking too. Me and Luther King Jr. That's so funny. Please, you know the history. It's like they were, and then that's why they were posted,

all their social media posts on fucking MLK Day were getting blown up by people like, you're found guilty of killing the motherfucker. What are you talking about? So the FBI killed Martin Luther King? That's the official story now at this point. Look that up, Alex. Do you care? I know you're black.

Do you care? The closest Alex came to MLK was when he hears that part in the speech about little black boys and little white girls. He's like, yeah, that's what's up. Do you want to know what's ridiculous? I thought it was when there's a junior that's dead. Ain't no Alex Jr., bro. He didn't have a baby. He kills them before they die.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's a running abortion bit. Running. I'm also a kid who will never do. I told my mom when I was 10 years old and learned about civil rights movement in school, I had such an emotional reaction to it that I came home and told her I was Martin Luther King Jr. reincarnated.

So you believed in reincarnation? Yeah, I still believe I'm kind of him. Really? Well, if you believe in reincarnation, then you believe in karma. So he kind of earned it. And that first life was pretty difficult for you, Dr. King. And he came back as a white kid. Here's your straight white male life.

Yeah. Still had no father in his life. That's because he cheated on Coretta so much. Otherwise, he would have been a Kardashian. Yeah. That's why Chris DiStefano, not Martin Luther King. You are. He's like, yeah, well, you cheated a little bit.

So we'll just take it down a notch. Bro, that's fucked up. Do black people come back as white people in the reincarnation matrix? If they live right, they do. Yeah. I'm saying. That's the reward. So what would Malcolm X think when he's back and he's just some blonde, blue-eyed Swedish kid?

Would that break his heart if reincarnation exists? And I guess the point we're making is that you're making a privilege argument, right? You're like, well, it's easier for white people people so you're going to come back with this easier life right whoa i mean what say you you're the reincarnation expert here in uh mr i know i'm trying to figure out i'm trying to figure out what malcolm x would come back as because malcolm x did some foul shit when he was younger before that counts still when he was yeah before he was el haj malik shabazz Or whatever And he was just What was his original name?

I forget But before that Glenn Before that he was a wild boy Breaking into houses And shit like that Really? He was a criminal

He was a criminal He reformed in jail So karma speaking Karmatically speaking You would have to pay That karmic debt off So you Even if you fix your life

You still gotta come back because you did the fuck shit. I mean that karma, there's like a karmic debt from what I understand. Maybe he came back as my wife. It's not high level enough, but almost there. Married to another civil rights leader. You guys are kindred spirits. You and your wife

are kindred spirits just like Malcolm and Martin. Goddamn right. That's why she's violent and I'm not. And maybe your kid is Ali. Wow. Al, thoughts? You looking at this FBI shit? Al, into it.

He's finding something. It's true, though, right? They were found guilty? It's like, eh. That's the thing. It's one of those who they're found guilty of, and then they're not going to be found guilty of actually pulling the trigger and killing him. Or they found guilty of conspiracy.

Or negligence. It's one of those types of things that gets spun, I'm sure. Well, it's similar to like the Sarnov brothers in Boston. What is up with that? Very little gets talked about how the FBI was in contact with the older brother because they knew he was on the verge of being radicalized, but they wanted to turn him into an informant. Then he flew over to Syria, joined like some sort of summer camp over there, and then came back, told his brother what he learned, and they became what they became.

Wow. Yeah. Yo. But the FBI and all these like the alphabet agencies. These are the guys that did the Boston Bonham, by the way, anybody who's listening. They disavow knowledge. If you don't know them by their last name.

Yeah, or the kid that looked like he was. They disavow knowledge. If you don't know them by their last name. Or the kid that looked like he was a folk band singer on the cover of Rolling Stone. What a truly insane cover that was. Fucked up, man. Just fucked up. Before we get out of here, Akash, anything else that you really want to touch on this week? Nah, sports-wise, I think we should just leave it to Kobe.

I think we just give it to Kobe, man. Yeah. Guys, make sure you check out Mike Cannon's special, Life Begins. It's on YouTube. You just type in Mike Cannon. It might be the easiest name

to just spell on YouTube. It's a great famous name. You have a great famous name, yeah. Check it out. Leave some comments below. Share it with your friends if you really love it. Trash Sagalow's arms. Do that, but give a thumbs up.

You got to bare minimum just go see the arms we're talking about. I mean, they look like, have you ever been to one of the, like a Spanish restaurant where that ham is hanging from the ceiling? Do you know what I mean? Like, you could easily cut Sagalow's arms off and then hang it in a Spanish restaurant. You ever seen the pig laying out with the apple in his mouth? Yeah. Is that Sagalow? That's Sagalow.

If he had a- Oh, he's holding an apple. If he had a thin abdomen, he could be a human flying squirrel. For sure. They could catch wind. Oh, gosh. Love you, Brennan. Go check out sagalow too yeah you know he owes me some amount of money i made some challenge to him like look if you lose he was losing weight i was like if you lose x amount of weight i'll give you

x amount of money but if you don't you got to pay me because there needs to be some incentive for you to not and then i forgot what the fucking amount of money and weight was. And now he's still fat. Motherfucker owes me some kind of money. I don't know what it is. Well, anyway, go check out Brandon, man.

What's Sagalow's Instagram? Just his name? Yeah. Brendan Sagalow. How do you spell Sagalow? S-A-G-A-L-O-W. Okay. Go check him out as well.

Yo, Cannon, thank you so much. I appreciate you guys having me. Thank you so much. Best of luck with everything. Thanks for the inspiration, man. I'm telling telling you i couldn't uh couldn't have done this without you and i'm glad i'm proud of what you've done because i've known you for such a

long time i've known both of you guys we used to hang out at a comedy cellar jv comedy cellar yeah and uh you know that's that's the spot so oh we got a picture of it now we can't play it because you'll flag our fucking video but uh look at those fucking arms dude is that a tan line it probably i mean he showed up this is his outfit and he's like what this is what people wear i'm like no nobody wears jeans and a cut off this is this is a full-blown long island decision that you should own, there's some redneck shit, to be honest with you. You don't look Long Island. You look country. And I'm the thinnest I've ever been next to you.

You look incredible. I think this was by design. You know when wives dress their bridesmaids up in these horrible purple outfits? This is the equivalent of that for your special, because you're wearing almost the same thing. But you look sensational.

You look like Tom Cruise. fucking sagalow dude whoa you remember that scene in bad boys at the end where they like panning around the camera and it's will smith and martin like looking up and they look cool as fuck this is the polar opposite this is the actual polar opposite love you sagalow yeah love you buddy anyway man listen uh thank y'all so much for listening flagrant too uh we will see you next week friday at the um on the patreon episode if you guys aren't on the patreon man you already know what it is i don't gotta tell you you already know and ask one of your boys about it if you don't believe me it gets uh it gets quite fun over there so come on over join us patreon.com slash flagrant2 uh we're trying to go for a top one in the world we're top 10 we want to go for top one in the world i think that'd be a cool

fun goal anyway man we'll see you soon canon thanks again thank you peace bro you