Andrew Schulz's Flagrant with Akaash Singh - Schulz Needs Testicle Surgery

Episode Date: December 3, 2019

This week Andrew, Akaash, and Kaz discuss: The sexiest accents to use in bed, the lies of Cyber Monday, Turkey being the wackest of poultry, Melo getting player of the week, Schulz needing testicle surgery, the Patriots facing their second loss of the season, and much more. INDULGE!!! Want an extra episode each week? Become a Patron! www.Patreon.com/Flagrant2

What's up everybody and welcome to another episode of flagrant 2 no easy buckets Sandro Schultz here I got Akash Singh real life Kaz or just Kazim as he's known now back in the day we used to know him The Twitter folks used to know him as real life Kaz now you're all professional Once you start working for the post motherfucker you, you got to go by his whole name. Doing Yahoo ads. Yeah, bro. They don't got an on-time schedule on that shit? This motherfucker did a whole advertisement

about how he keeps his schedule together. You don't. Well, that's why I have Yahoo Mail. You need to get Google. Google have your hero on top. That's the good thing about it, though, because I really don't have a Yahoo mail account, but you can use your other email accounts with it.

With Yahoo? Yeah. That's how much Yahoo knows nobody uses Yahoo. I respect that. They're like, listen, you ain't changing over. And listen, know your audience, all right? Know your goddamn audience. I'm mad at you.

What is your audience? 70-year-olds in Minnesota? Who's on Yahoo? My boy was like, Yahoo is the burner account mail that you use for like Pornhub I was like I'm those guys Yahoo's the new hotmail listen

son Yahoo and Hotmail the same shit they both been the old hotmail yeah shout out to Adam for creating that

and producing that man shout out to him oh Adam you shot that yes sir that's why my fucking brilliant idiots clips are late we've been working on this shit for months

The Brilliant Idiots clips That one's on me Because he did send it to me to review it And I didn't realize he sent it to me Alright fair enough You're off the hook on this one This turkey's been pardoned Alright

Alex Media also in the building We got some fun. We got some sauce. Alex came through with the sauce before we started. I must say, you look very influenced today. I like your fit. You got the kid hoodie. Oh, thank you.

Speaking of fit. I like sneakers. Yo, shut up. I like sneakers. Here goes the bullshit. Shut the fuck up, dude. Who cares about this shit? Come on, son.

Talk about the real thing you want to put your body in. The real vessel. I want to slip my feet into some sneakers. I'm going to tell you right now. We're going to call Alex Sky Miles. Let's go, Sky Miles. Let's go, Sky Miles. I'm mad at the upgrade, bro.

Yo, Alex. Yo, he got that Let's go, Sky Miles. I'm mad at the upgrade, bro. Yo, Alex. Yo, he got that diamond dick. Alex. Alex. Alex got that diamond dick. Yo, Alex out here trying to get free flights. You never pay for a flight. That's what I'm saying.

I'm like, yo, you already got the flight. All your flights are free. You're my buddy, pass. You are good, okay? Alex really thinks He got bartered People listening to this You ain't bartering

That shit Never People listening to this Probably don't have Proper context So before the show No Alex is willing

To hook up With a male stewardess Yeah He's basically like Alex is willing To go on a date With a male stewardess What do you call

A male stewardess What do you call a male stewardess? What do you call that? Archives, what is a male stewardess? You know what's funny? If I see a straight male flight attendant, I respect him less. Why? Like a gay flight attendant, I'm like, that's what's up.

That's what you're supposed to do. I feel like a flight attendant. I'm like, you bitch. Can we be honest here? Yeah. Who are the, where are the straightest gay flight attendants from? Attendants, I already know, but go. What do you mean, like which airline? No, what area are the straightest gay flight attendants from?

The straightest gay flight attendants. The straightest gay flight attendants. I don't know. Atlanta, bro. The greatest gay flight attendants. I don't know. Atlanta, bro. Anytime I got a connection or anything like that, it's always a black dude that's like well fucking kept.

And he kind of like homies me a little bit. He's like, yeah, can I get you anything? You good? All right, cool. And I'm like, is this a straight flight attendant? That's just Atlanta. The second he gets on that mic, bro. Them gays need to perform, son.

They need to perform. We gonna get there when we get there. That is their time to shine, though. They got jokes. They got bars. They put a whole set. I hate when a pilot

tries to be funny. I'm like, yo, shut the fuck up. Just give me my drinks, bro. Just drive. You're not even driving a plane, bro. You're not even. The computer's driving a plane, right? Yeah. That's the easiest job.

That's Tesla. We've been had to self-drive it. That is true. Get it up and get it down. You just got to get it down. Can I tell you something? I had a female pilot last night on my flight. Hold on.

Dead ass, three hours late. Was she black? No. I was about to say can i tell you how easy it is to fly a plane low-key here we go yo terrorists drove that shit right into the twin towers think about this no think about this like you would think you might miss right it's not like the 10th, 2-inch towers is that big. They drove that shit. Not like the wing. Direct hit. Direct.

Think about that. Think about that for a second. I mean, they went to school. What school? They went to school to, you don't go to school to drive a 747. They went to school to drive the little, It might have been an inside job, bro. It's a lot harder to drive one of those fucking little tiny planes than it is a fucking air bus.

Fam, think about that. Think about that. You ever played the video game and try to get inside all the circles? What, like Star Fox? Yes. Yeah, Star Fox is easy. The plane is mad small and it's skinny. You can turn it inside.

Yo, that's an inside job, bro. That's an inside job. I mean, you just went from saying it's the easiest thing in the world to fly a plane to saying 9-11 had to be an inside job because there's no way flying a plane is that easy. These terrorists were hanging in a sentence. 100% in two sentences. Yo, give me some Tevas because I'm flip-flopping. You boy out here flip-flopping.

You know what I'm saying? Call me Young Sandals. I was wondering about that. No, but I'm saying think about it, right? These motherfuckers was hanging in a cave with Osama bin Laden, right? Yeah. And three weeks later, you're driving a 747? If these ain't the most talented motherfuckers.

Yo, Allah might be the real one, bro. If he bestowed powers to fly a motherfucking 747 jumbo jet in three weeks. You know what's funny? A lot of these people try to blame the Jews. It's like, you know Jews can't drive that shit like that. Why? Were they not going to drive it? I just don't think a Jew could do anything manual labor.

Handle my money, yo. Handle my money. But that's not manual. He could refinance the plane, I'm sure. Get you a great interest rate. But is that manual? That's not manual. It's pretty.

Yeah, pretty. Fam, I drove a plane. This shit is not easy. You just said it was easy. You just said it was not easy. You literally just said this. Yo, which side I'm on? Hey, I'm about to, hey, no, I'm about to, I'm about to double down on whatever side

I'm on. I just lost track. Which side, which side am I on? I don't know, you tell us, yo. You started saying like, yo, it's mad easy. It's an inside job, Kaz. You were talking about the stewardess, like, you'll fly the fucking plane, and he said, yo, it's an easy job, and he said, look how easy it was for these guys that were just

in a cave last week to fly on a plane into a big building. Can I ask y'all a question? Why did none of these stewards just pop out a titty or something? These motherfuckers was virgins, bro. They never touched pussy in their whole lifetime. They took one down. Take a titty. They took one down?

It's like the one in the Pentagon, or the D.C. Man, you believe that shit, bro? Ain't like the one in the Pentagon. DC? Man, you believe that shit, bro? I believe what they said. The plane hit the Pentagon. The plane hit the Pentagon. The whole back of this shit was out. I'm like, there's no way. It hit the one spot where no one was working that day.

America think they slick. We had one hero pilot tackle down the terrorist and save the bunch of people. Real talk. We never talk about that shit. One titty. These motherfuckers have not seen a titty their whole life. They've been in a cave. You think one singular titty?

A singular fucking American titty. Okay? I'm not talking about one of these Afghan titties got hair all over it. I'm talking about an American titty. Wow. What do you think? Yo. Yo.

I'm talking about freshly waxed American titties. Yo, you know what, though? What if we go on about all this shit all wrong? Like, what if to get information out of terrorists you didn't need a water board, you just gotta suck their dick

a couple times. Just like, yeah, whatever you want. That's it. A titty, bro. get information out of terrorists who didn't need a water board, you just got to suck their dick a couple times. Just like, yeah, whatever you want. That's it. A titty, bro. One titty. Like that.

Boom. I don't think they'll appreciate a good titty. What if 72 women on the plane got up at the same time? They're like, um, guess what? You're actually already in heaven. Yo, what if they coordinated that?

72 women, guys, you're in heaven, here we are. And then they didn't fly the plane into it. I'm just thinking on my feet. Clearly. What I would do. What I would do in that situation, you would have nudged your girl like, yo, pop that fucking pussy. pussy oh what's fucking good save some lives yeah we are here to save American lives yes I like so I give you with a woman

yes and she gets robbed at gunpoint with you instead of seven funny game like just fuck him different to me no! That's different! What you mean? Because the robber already had pussy. Let's rewind a little bit. So these terrorists, they had box cutters on the plane, right? They were poking people up. They were?

Yeah, they were poking some folks up. After they poked a few people, you think the next move is right? Right? I couldn't say it for obvious reasons. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Actually, wait a minute.

Nobody on the plane knew they were flying it into the towers. No. So a box cutter works. No, it don't. Son, now a box cutter ain't working. Of course. Back in the day, a box cutter worked because you look at these guys like, you ain't going to fly this shit into the fuck

Yeah, no, it's not like a movie land is somewhere Like tell me your plan and like and then we're going to fly into the plane I didn't know the fuck was gonna happen cuz cuz before terrorism, right? Yo, let me tell you I figured some shit out Before terrorism you never really need a Tsa because the implication was the tsa was for drugs and shit yeah because the implication was well everybody wants to live yeah everything our life was based on well you want to live quick yeah right and then when motherfuckers started risking their life to take someone out it's like oh we need to switch everything you know what I mean? Yeah. So, boom.

Where were we? That's why it's so easy to fly play. That's why it's hard, bro. Now that I think about it. You said it was easy. What the fuck? You just said it was easy. Son, I don't know what flight school these motherfuckers went to,

but that got to be the best goddamn flight school. Is it Maverick from Top Gun teaching that shit? Is Tom Cruise teaching the motherfucking 747? They were in the Danger Zone. They flew right into it. Oh, God. But that's not odd that both of them hit direct. They were using their headphones on their fucking Sony Walkman?

I got away to the danger zone. I got it. Actually, I know what the music was. Oh, God. Me, me in the corner of the parking lot. Me, me in the corner of the parking lot. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. Yo, dead ass guess.

My girl and I talked about this today. Anytime we're like, yo, why don't you meet me? The next thing we want to say is, yo, why don't you just meet me in the corner at the parking lot garage? Whoever said they didn't think that was the fucking words for at least five years of their life is lying. Nobody thought that. It's so funny. We cannot say meet me without finishing with in the corner at the parking lot garage. Someone tries to hijack

the plane with a box cutter. Now, what's going down? Immediately, they get fucked up. Yeah. Straight up. You? Absolutely. I'm going for the hero. I want that. I want the key to the city.

I want that whole situation. I'm going to pretend that they're going to think I'm on their side. Then I'm going to jump in. I'm going to pretend that they're going to think I'm on their side and then I'm going to jump in. They're probably my size. We can scrap.

I was about to say they're probably not Akash's too. You knew this was going to happen. So I'm like, boop. We just take out

Akash real quick and then we go after them with the box. Well, he'll be our mole. So we'll let them like the terrorist thing. Yo, what they saying, dog? They're like, yo.

I'm Indian. Whatever. That's our boy, bro. Not time to divide, y'all. What are they saying? When the time is right, that's when Akash fucking sneaks in right in the jugular. Stick him. He's the hero.

Stick him, bro. No bullshit. No bullshit. That's why it's easier to fly. No bullshit. Ex's why it's easier to fly. No bullshit. Exit row, son. Your boy in the exit row. Yeah, what you doing in the exit row?

Son, if you in the exit row, you got to save the plane. They do be asking you. You are guarding. I take that shit mad serious. Mad serious. Do you? I look him right in the eyes. I go, yes.

No, take off your headphones. He's like, no. We didn't let you hear you say that shit. Yo, yo. I say yes? man serious sir do you i look at my eyes i go no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no here you say that yo yo i say yes but i also survey everyone a plane to let them know i'm your protector i'm here to protect you in case anything in case we land this giant ass plane on the water i I know we flying to fucking Mississippi, but in case we land this plane on the water, ain't no water from here to Mississippi. But in case we find water and we land it,

I'm going to pop the door open. I'll do something different. I'll do something different. I'll look at the other exit row, and I'll try to judge him. I'm like, nah, he ain't got it. He ain't got it. They look at me, and they're like, oh, yeah, nah, he got it. He ain't got it. They look at me and they're like, oh yeah, nah, he got it. He ain't got it.

Hold the door. He's looking pretty strong. The last time he was on a flight. What I did? We was at the exit row. What'd I do? Right after she asked you that, you was like, oh, absolutely, absolutely. He's like, I'm going out first and closing the door behind me.

Damn. Ain't no, you know what they say, put the oxygen on you before the kids or some shit, right? Like, save yourself first. Put your own oxygen mask on first. Isn't that fucked up? You got this poor kid next to you, dying. Wait, wait, wait. I look right at that kid like, oh, now you're not crying.

Oh, now you're not crying on the flight. All of a sudden When shit gets serious You want some fucking oxygen Have y'all ever been on a flight When the oxygen comes down? Nah I'd panic I wouldn't do it

What? I'd fucking panic And what happened son? Nah everybody got scared It was like the Something with the landing gear Was fucked up And so we had to circle Above Vegas

For about three and a half hours Because we were too heavy Like it was a flight From LA to New York You had to let the Gas go down And fall in wait Before we can land

Whoa And that shit was crazy Cause we were just Up there Nobody knowing What the fuck was happening And the initial thing It was like

The mast dropped initially So we're like Off jump What the fuck is going on? Were they saying any jokes? Was the pilot saying any jokes? Nah. I would have come through. I'd be like, y'all wanted to gamble.

Y'all came here for us. I'm so Indian, I was like, yo, did you get miles for those three guys? What's up? They only gave us credit for another flight. That's it. They gave you credit for another flight? Yeah, that's it. That's it. They gave you credit for another flight? Yeah, that's it. That's solid.

They don't offer the miles? You get a flight delayed by three and a half hours. They ain't doing shit. My flight was delayed three hours. I ain't got no email from United. I was just waiting for somebody to do one of those class action lawsuits. I kept checking back. Oh, to see if you could get on board with it.

I don't know how to start that shit myself. Have you ever gotten The class action Settlement You get like six bucks It's just so stupid Every time I see something Online I sign up for it I think I got something

From EA Sports What's a class action What is that Where like They just sue everybody On behalf of Like one person Yeah

So like Johnson's baby powder Had that shit recently Where It turns out that baby powder Was causing cancer Son Johnson be Fucking everybody up Johnson and Johnson Ain't shit both up Mad people got mad buddy Johnson's Baby Powder had that shit recently where it turns out that Baby Powder was causing cancer and shit like that. Son, Johnson be fucking everybody up.

Johnson and Johnson ain't shit. Both of them. Mad people got mad money because everybody used fucking Baby Powder. So Baby Powder fucks you up? Johnson and Johnson fucks you up. But they fixed it. They fixed it now. What do they do?

I don't trust no Johnsons, yo. I don't trust Johnson or Johnson or Magic or motherfucking. There was somebody else I forgot. There was another Johnson I don't trust. Johnson. Yeah. But what do they do? What else do they give you?

Cookie Johnson. That's it. They just give you a little money. I think they had an issue with something. So it's a big ass reward and then they split it amongst everybody who. Oh, settle first. Settle and you get like five dollars. $80 million.

Fucked up. I need like a check. They had to like shut down one of their factories because there were so many like health hazards that they just straight shut the factory down. Wow. Johnson & Johnson would be wildin'. Yeah, man.

Just sign up for all them shits because they can't prove that you didn't. Huh. Yeah, I got like a few bucks from the NCAA. Yo, classactionlawstreet.com

That's a website somebody should start. I mean, I was like, yes. Somebody should just start a website where you can just figure out

what big ass class action lawsuits are going on and just see if you can join in. Genius. You might have to edit that. Yeah, but then we're not going to get any money

if everybody knows about it. Son, you get like six bucks anyway. Yeah, man, let's give everybody a dollar. I don't want all that. Mad, you signed off on a bunch of them shits. You got a bunch of low checks coming in. I'm not going to lie. If other people hit their head on that poll

over on the west side of New York, I would sign up for that. What happened with that fucking poll? Did they move it yet? I don't know. I'm not certain. I'm not certain, bro. I'm not certain as to what happened with that.

They already did it? SmartPay. ConsumerAction.org. Sunrise Detail. Fitbit. Okay. I can get with that Fitbit. Yo, Fitbit.

How many steps do you get for finger blasting? Like if you're really getting in there like that That's about 30 right there That's 30 steps That was traps That was all that Low key people don't realize how much finger blasting I haven't finger blasted in a while

But back in my finger blasting days bro Damn Bro my finger blasting days When I was out here finger fucking Dude This shit right here Your lats were mad strong blasting days when I was out here finger fucking. Dude, this shit right here. Your lats are mad strong. Sometimes I catch a rigor mortis.

Like that. That shit would get locked in like that. What is that thing called? Carpal tunnels? Carpal. I get some carpool tunnels, baby. I get my carpool tunnels going. So I look like I'm throwing Gang shit up

Like it's on set Matt split finger fastballs Fingering his bitch on crips This younger generation Doesn't change the whole Base system situation You know first base Second base

Third base Oh first base is fucking Yeah Wait what? Cause like Every generation They think kissing is more intimate

than fucking that's not true yes nah yes it is I've spoke to a few and they so some people think fucking

is first base like they won't kiss during sex because it's too intimate that's why that's what I'm saying I'm like

yo nah I'm telling you it's really yo out here is crazy that's why all the old school fucking diseases is coming back

like it's retro which diseases are coming back. Like, it's retro. Which diseases are coming back? Like, fucking AIDS is making a comeback. I thought we had AIDS. I thought we had AIDS, like, in the bag for a couple years. Who got AIDS? Like, a lot of people got AIDS recently. Like, in D.C.

My AIDS was acting up. When it came like this, my AIDS just popped up. Routes some testicles. I'm fixing my own testicles. I'm fine now. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I heard AIDS is making a comeback, yo. Where? Who got AIDS? In D.C. I heard, like, D.C. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Her AIDS is making

a comeback, yo. Where? Who got AIDS? DC. I heard like DC. DC? DC different. I was watching

that shit last night, bro. That's funny you said that shit. Love that. What is it? It's a lot of I don't like it. I don't like it.

They're looking over from Maryland like that looks dangerous. Not yet. Not yet. But real talk, DC got that A. At least we're beating up Nero's like hotcakes. It's in the main issue.

Yo. Yeah, so apparently the Hib is out there in DC, like heavy. Bro, that shit left? When did that really leave? But like, it kind of, I mean They wasn't getting

No like specials no more They wasn't getting No like Jerry Lewis Run down Like they really Stopped giving a fuck About HIV Around like 99

2001 And that shit made Bro once Magic beat it We were all like We got that shit I started rawing again Yeah Once I knew for a fact

Magic beat it You could see the hit From a mile away I'm like yeah fact, Magic beat it. You could see the hit from a mile away. I'm like, yeah, that don't look safe. Yo. You ever like make judgments

on people you think have AIDS? Yeah, that's so funny that Kaz was very confidently like, I would eyeball who had STDs. You don't eyeball that.

No, I don't eyeball that. I don't eyeball that. I dead ass can see who got HIV. Of course. Alex really thinks he can see if people have AIDS.

It only applies to white people though. 100% poop. Maybe not AIDS. That's not true. That's not true. What black guy did you see had AIDS?

There was a light skinned black dude in the airport that I thought. When you say they look like they got AIDS you just mean they look gay? No, no. Trust me.

You can see it. Wow. What if we reverse psychology to terrorists? What? What? What if the terrorists are like, we're driving us into the Twin Towers. And we're like, that's where we're going. And they're like, what?

This is the flight right into the Twin Towers. Like, what do we have to take it somewhere different? I mean, I guess LA. I don't know how we get back here. I figured it out. That's back here. I figured it out. That's so funny. I figured it out. Are you still trying to prove to yourself that it's hard to fly planes?

That shit is difficult. Y'all never flown a plane before, dude? First of all, you never see in the movies when you got to go up real quick how much they got to pull it? Yes. I watched Hobbs and Shaw this week you love that fucking movie that fucking movie

is the shit stop it that movie is the shit that is the best fucking movie I've ever seen in my life that is the exact reason why anybody

should go to a movie I wanna see shit get blown up I wanna see one liners I wanna see comical violence where the rock is like holding on

to a helicopter with one hand and a truck with another fucking hand. Nah, nah, bro. And gets the bitch at the end. I do like that part. And saves the fucking world. Does he kiss her?

Does he kiss her? Of course he kisses her. Which one? Shobbs or Haw? Shaw's sister. She's the virus. So like. So who fucks the girl that he eats?

I think The Rock fucked the girl. For her? Only The Rock could do that shit, bro. The Rock beat that shit. Of course he did. Imagine The Rock fingered you, bro. Shakes that shit off. Oh my lord. Think I think the rock Imagine the rock finger do you think that shit all my work should come out your mouth like Could do no wrong You ever see you ever see them country motherfuckers stick their hand inside the gills and out the mouth of the mass Oh, you ain't never seen that. Oh, I'll never watch bass videos like Kevin Durant do that work vision yeah himself seen that? Y'all never watched bass videos? It seemed like Kevin Durant do that. What? To himself? No, it was Kevin Durant.

How you beat me to it? I don't think it was KD, it was Kawhi. He got me down there. With his whole fucking fist and forearm and his own ass. I don't think that's the way it goes, Kev. You never heard Kevin Durant in that interview? He was like, damn, I'm constipated. He just reached

in there, grabbed this whole shit out of himself, and threw it down. You never seen that? He squeezed out his colon real hard. Yeah, he just reached up in there. Pulled that doo-doo out. Goddamn. Pulled that poo-poo out. Poo-poo.

Mmm, doogie. Anyway. Can we talk about the Weston Comets Play of the Week yet or not? Flagrant takes? Yeah, we need flagrant thought. Can we talk about the Weston Comets? Flagrant thought of the week. Flagrant thought of the week, and then we get into that bullshit.

Why is it bullshit? Why is it bullshit? What a fucking PR stunt the league is doing right now to make up. Who cares if James Harden scored 60 in three quarters? Who cares? James Harden's dropping 60. Luka Doncic is having a triple-double. Who gives a fuck?

Melo scores 19 points, and they're like, Western Conference players! So stupid. 3-0. So stupid. Plus 57 when he's on the court. He started 0-2. Doesn't matter.

They picked him up off the street and ran the offense through him. No Lillard. Now Lillard's back. Now he's back. Yeah, those three. He's back. They've been 3-0. Whatever.

Let's go to Flagrant Thought of the Week before we go. Listen to this praise, this stupid Melo praise. It's back. Yeah. Those three. He's back. They've been 3-0. Whatever. Let's go to flagrant thought of the week before we go. I hate this. Listen to this praise. This mellow, stupid mellow praise. I hate this. Go on. I didn't really have a flagrant thought. I will say this.

This Black Friday, Cyber Monday shit is for the birds, I'm realizing. Ah. I didn't see no good deals. Like, no laptops, no TV. If you need to buy big ticket shit, stick this out. How do you say laptop in an Indian accent? Laptop. Laptop. Laptop.

No laptop. Laptop. Laptop. I think. My Indian accent's not good, though. I just did that to it. Appease me? You have to tap dance for y'all?

Why is that tap dancing? Is that Indian cooling? I can't be a comedian and be super militant about my own shit. I can't draw lines on my own shit. What do you mean? I can't be like, Indian shit is off limits. Exactly. We're just talking about 9-11.

You can't do a fucking Indian act after y'all blew it up. Real talk, don't ever confuse me with a Muslim again. Real motherfucking rant. God damn. He said, next time you compare him to an Indian, next time you compare some of them we got to meet him at the corner Yeah. Yo, why do the Muslims always want to meet at the corner of the parking lot garage? That's what I'm talking about.

Is that where they park the van that they run into us? That's where they park their A-team van where they all stop out. Fucking ski mask. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. This is the only place left. The only place left we could talk like this. Yeah. It's crazy. On planet Earth. We're blessed, bro. This is the only place left. The only place left we can talk like this. Yeah.

It's crazy. We're blessed, bro. God bless. We are blessed. Okay, so, Flaker Talkers, you didn't see no deals. Nothing. The hustle is if you got some shit you want to buy, like, from any company, just random shit, just go there and they'll probably have, like, a, hey, 20% off for Cyber Monday.

But that's it. But nothing specific. I got, like, t-shirts that I knew. I was like, ah, I want to buy T-shirts or whatever from Lacoste. So I was like, okay, they'll have a sale. That's it. So it's bullshit, this whole Cyber Monday. It's nonsense, yo.

Good, because I never took part in it. If you're waking up at four in the morning like a fucking loser, go back to sleep, dog. It's over. Spend some time with your family, you fucking bum. Family. your family you fucking bum family why why what i don't understand is why it has this reputation of having and why people are fighting for deals i think it's the hype i think we just get caught up in the fun and the hype like so the real shit is that they'll take one maybe two items crazy discounted so they'll have like a big screen tv for like uh eighty

dollars it's usually not like a great yeah they'll have some A big screen TV For like $80 It's usually not like A great Yeah they'll have some crazy But it's never like Good TV It's only like 20 of them Ah so you gotta run in there

And get that Yeah so that When we see the fight thing It's only for that deal That one item Yeah But if you want a laptop Then you can't get

You can't get it right Nah not really Laptop or desktop Nothing So the whole shit Your Indian accent Yeah that's pretty good Real talk my girls Is fucking fantastic So I hope it rubs off It's embarrassing though desktop. So the whole shit. Your Indian accent is getting better.

Real Talk My Girls is fucking fantastic so I hope it rubs off. It's embarrassing though. Hers is so good. She has such funny impressions of her dad and I just sit there fucking as a comedian

being like I would love to tag this but I can't. You guys should embrace this hilarious accent that you've been bestowed. I think you mean sexy but yes. I don't know if it's sexy.

Son. Son. Can you give me some sexy talk in an indian accent there's no way it's sexy i need y'all to talk dirty i need y'all to talk dirty i need y'all to talk dirty beat talk dirty i need that sexy indian line gotta do it. Would you like to see the cobra? I have a snake you can turn. Now, give me something good. Give me something good.

Who is your daddy? Tell me. Tell me. Meet me. Okay, wait, wait. More talking dirty. More talking dirty. Okay, listen. What if you want to have intercourse from behind? How would you say to a girl, like, yo, that's how I'm going to have sex with you.

What would you say? Let me hit it from the back. Hey. Hey. Hey. Listen. Listen. Hey.

Hey. Take off your pants. I'm going to hit it from the back It's not good yo I wish my girl was here She'd actually kill it Unwrap your clothing I'm going to penetrate you Unwrap your clothing. I'm going to penetrate you.

I'm going to penetrate you. From the bottom. Listen. Listen. Listen. It's so bad. Let's hear Cass' Indian accent Talking dirty Alright

Give me a scenario Give me a scenario This is Cass Talking dirty Alright Here's one time I won't come late I understood that reference

I understood it Go go go Okay You gotta do it Listen Listen Alright so you know When you see a girl

You gotta I'm gonna be honest Your listen might be better than Andrew's. Just the one word. Listen, listen. Listen. You're going to go to the back of the room. I'm going to take off your panties.

Panties. It's not awful. It's not good, but it's not awful. Panties? I'm going to sleep. My big pink cobra. My wiper. In your deli-er.

Oh, my God. I gave it my best shot. That wasn't bad, man. It wasn't bad. It wasn't bad. It wasn't bad. You had a weird clenched jaw thing? Come on, but it was worth it somehow. Indian talking dirty is the wave, bro.

Might start doing that shit. How do you say ride? Ride. Ride my balls. How do you say fondle my balls? Fondle my balls. I can't do it, man. No?

I'm losing confidence in my own fake accent. It's embarrassing. It's very embarrassing. So vulnerable. It's so embarrassing, dude. Something to be embarrassed about. Nah, I want a good Indian accent. The only reason I don't do one on stage is because I'm not good at it.

You don't feel confident? I never want to be like, it's immoral. I don't want to make fun of my... I think Indian accents are great. I'm not good at it. You don't feel confident? I never like, I never want to be like, it's immoral. I don't want to make fun of my, no. I think Indian accents are great. I'm not embarrassed by them. I'll do an audition with an Indian accent as long as you're not making fun of the guy for being Indian. Like if the joke is that he's Indian, I'm not doing that. But if it's just he

has an accent and says funny things, my dad has an accent and says funny things. Right. So that's my line But I just don't do it on stage Because I'm not good at it If I was good at it I'd crush that shit

My nationality isn't your punchline Oh yeah Stop trying to fuck white women Whoever you are Oh Oh Oh Okay

What That's the problem with you What Who Who That was a shot What happened That was a shot. What happened? That was a shot. A shot fired.

Maybe some of you guys can put that together. Let me have a picture of it. Yeah. I didn't. You didn't do it? I don't know. Double, double. I don't touch a white woman.

How do Africans talk dirty? Africans talk dirty? Yeah. Okay. Let me think. Let me think. I need a scenario uh okay listen

come listen Listen Come here, Joe Let me squeeze your buttocks Stick my thumb in your buttocks Ooh, they like that? Uh-uh Ajani Akata

Yeah, I guess I got the same thing as Akash with the African accent. It's hard. It's hard. You can't just throw it on. Your job is being funny. Some random fucking Indian can do it better than me. Guys, okay, so that was your flagrant thought. I don't know how the fuck we got there.

I don't know. Kaz, do we have a flagrant thought? Laptop. That's how we got there. Laptop. Laptop. I want you to be my laptop damn I want to open you I want to turn you on turkeys fucking whack bro oh turkeys whack dog I had good turkey for the first time this year. Turkey's whack. Really? What? Yeah, my man. What do you do? Baste it or whatever?

Buttermilk. For like two days or whatever. Brine, no brining. He brined it. It was great. It wasn't dry. I see motherfuckers deep fried a turkey. I still want you to try that.

Deep fried. I had a fried turkey there too. It wasn't that good. It's still dry. The promise is dry. Turkey shouldn't be the main meat of Thanksgiving, bro. Bro, I'm telling you. Why can't it just be steak?

I think it might be in dropping in. But I think that's why we killed the Native Americans. I think they viewed it as an attack. Because turkey back then wasn't, you couldn't brine it. You're not putting buttermilk on it. You're not doing all these tricks to make it not super fucking leathery. Yeah. And if that was your peace offering, like that was the moment where you come together,

where you decide if you guys are going to live or die. Right? That's the moment. So you think they got the turkey as a peace offering and they were like, oh, we got one for you too. Get the blankets. Get the blankets right now. Literally what I say.

Like stuffing the muskets. I go, it's cold out tonight, chief. Here are some blankets. Get the blankets right now. Literally what I say. Like stuffing the muskets. I go, it's cold out tonight, chief. Here are some blankets. So I agree with you. I think turkey, wildly overrated. If we had to replace turkey as the main meat of Thanksgiving, what do you replace it with? Chicken. Chicken?

That's what Alex does? We've already replaced it. Yeah? Dude, chicken is so much better We got ham Ham is good Why is chicken so much better I don't know

Because it's It's not so fucking dry They're both poultries Yeah But you bite into a turkey And like you feel Pause You feel like all the moisture

Just leave your mouth It just Pause Sucks All the moisture out of your mouth You bite into a turkey Yeah you gotta like Fucking douse it in gravy

Or cranberry sauce Or whatever I fucking hate pause It's not juicy I hate pause I just don't like getting All the moisture out of your mouth you bite into it. Yeah, you got to like fucking douse it in gravy or cranberry sauce or whatever. I fucking hate paws. It's not juicy. I hate paws. I just don't like getting the moisture sucked out of my mouth. Yeah.

It's a thing. Sorry. Okay. I think steak. I would do like a fucking- Look, steak is good. Maybe a roast. A big old pot roast. No, you need a fucking Fred Flintstone.

Fucking what's the guy's name? Salt Bae size fucking steak. Just throw that shit in the middle of the fucking table and say Happy Thanksgiving. I'll be way more thankful for that shit. I'm with it. I'm with it. And that's an animal you got to kill. You can't just go pick that shit up in the fucking store.

That's what probably would save Thanksgiving. Yeah. Like go and kill a real fucking animal. Like an animal that took some fucking- Effort. Effort to fucking kill, like a steer. Right. Or a fucking big-ass fucking cow, not no bitch-ass turkey. Right.

Where they got millions of them, and that's why they serve them to you, because there's too many, and they're trying to fucking control the turkey population. Oh. Damn, Cass. You're feeling away about these turkeys, though. I'm sorry. I just don't like turkey, bro. I mean, it's good with all the other shit.

I wouldn't just eat about it, so. I mean, it's good with all the other shit. I wouldn't just eat about it. So anyway, what's your flagrant thought? My flagrant thought is this is not so much a flagrant thought. I'm trying to understand why this was was like like a contentious issue with me and my girl. My girl told me she was on her period. And then I told her I was like, oh, you're going to do some sucking. was on her period and then i told her i was like oh you gonna do some sucking and then and then she and then she was like oh that makes me not in the mood or something like that and i didn't understand

that the fuck because like if that's like understood yeah but not only is understood i think it's hot it's the one time you can be like overly, not aggressive, but like overly communicative about what you want tonight. It's like, oh, I'm on your period. Because it had to come up in conversation. Like, oh, you're about to, you know, reach for the drawers. Oh, you know, period. No, no, we were just sitting down watching the sentence. The Watchmen.

I think if it's unspoken, it's better than you're going to do some sucking. It's the one time you can do it. I didn't say it like that. I was like, you're going to do some sucking tonight. No, no. No, but I said it jokingly, obviously. But I guess what I'm thinking is that if my girl is like, oh, you're going to eat this pussy or something like that to me,

I wouldn't be turned off by it. I'd be like, hell yeah, I'm going to eat that pussy. Any kind of sexual thing. Because it's rare for pussy or something like that to me. I wouldn't be turned off by me I'll meet that pussy like any kind of sexual thing cuz it's rare for me to do that those were for me to be Pussy, maybe if they said it like that it wouldn't be Well that my voice obviously But you know what I'm saying Like the idea Obviously I said it Like with some sarcasm

But I think what it is Is we've built this stigma Up about girls periods Because if she wasn't Wait time out Have you ever Have you ran a red light With her before

Yeah but I don't like That first day shit Yeah I mean Yeah that's what I'm saying You gotta let it My fucking bathroom Is a little plugged and shit So like it don't go

Right down a drain as much. Yeah, you know. So you just got this red fucking water. You never get the accidental one? Say again? Like when you like set off the time of the month? They be fronting about that.

Oh, you started my period. No, you knew you had your period and you just wanted it down there. Yeah. I'm gonna start a period. Shut up. You be starting a period. You be starting abortions, man. That's what you be starting.

Get out of here. You be up there with your own scoop scoop. My girl knows The exact day Time and minute When her shit's about to hit Bro she got that shit down She has a fucking Science

Alarm Bing Dong Done They know exactly what it is Of course Come on And no you knock

You start them up You know what would be Mad weird though If like Just uncontrollably Once a month Your dick just started Leaking anything

It doesn't have to be blood It could be pee I'd kill myself But outside of that I know you'd kill yourself But like just uncontrollably once a month, your dick just started leaking anything. It doesn't have to be blood. It could be pee. I'd kill myself. But outside of that, I know you'd kill yourself, but how vulnerable would that be? Literally, they're just at dinner, and then they just feel liquid

start to drip out of their bodies. Yeah. And they just have to get up. They've got some soiled panties they've got to wear for the rest of the fucking day. Got your little diaper on or your little stick or whatever. It's crazy, isn't it?

What would we wear? Would we wear like a dick mummy wrap? I'd wear a whole pamper, dude. I'd wear a pamper as a child. You'd wear a pamper as a child? I tried it once. Yeah? When my brother was wearing pampers, I was a little bit older because I was like, ugh, I hate getting out of bed. I'll just pee into this pamper.

And let me tell you something. You remember, you don't remember how awful it is to have a wet diaper. You cry as a kid when you wet your diaper, but you're not like, oh, it's because it's annoying to have a wet diaper. The commercials make it seem like it soaks it all up and then dry and then it's done. It's awful to be in a wet diaper. Yeah.

I remember the last time I wore a diaper. What? I remember the last time I wore a diaper. Not wore a diaper. I remember the last time I peed my pants. Oh, diaper I remember last time I peed my pants oh yeah sorry I'm just remembering like the feeling of just like walking around just knowing you have were you drunk did you piss yourself drunk no this is like my younger dad like I didn't have like bowel control issues like past seven right you know I mean like but you know

like I remember just that uncomfortable feeling I was like damn is this work like did i i did this for like three years of my life i just walked around with a diaper just pee and shit and a lot of times my mom didn't notice she smelled me yeah that's weird yeah yeah but i mean that's just part of it yeah i'd rock one i can't wait to rock when i'm older a diaper yeah yeah i guess you just fucking gotta do it just it's not it's not the most comfortable i don't even know how we got into this. You're talking about periods. Yo. So if we had to leak something out of our-

It's just wild that they'll walk around that whole day knowing at any point in time they could start bleeding. Well, that's why they're so angry when it's time of the month. Weird. That's why they're so angry. They're just like, fuck, I know this shit is coming. Fuck. Ah, there's like an intense anxiety that goes along with it. Yeah, it's like once it's there, then it's like, fuck, I know this shit is coming. Fuck. Ah, there's like an intense anxiety. Yeah, it's like once it's there, then it's like, all right, it's here, whatever.

But before it gets there. The female period is shockingly unfair. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, explain that. I don't think I've seen that. He said something, and I think they edited this out of Elephant in the Room. We went to the taping, and he said something like this. You were at the taping for that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I literally, I swear to God, i'm not even bullshitting you when i was like single like in my early 20s that was like my fucking that was my that was that was the barometer of any girl i was dating like they would come over i would throw that shit on and if they didn't laugh at that shit i knew it wasn't gonna fucking work wow i'm like we have we have to like and then my girls have the same exact fucking humor that I have, so she's probably worse

than me, actually. She still listens to R. Kelly. She wants to start this thing called Canceled Radio, where she just plays nothing but Michael Jackson, R. Kelly, all that shit,

because it slaps. Van Halen, Rolling Stones, everybody who touched girls. Oh, yeah. Wait, Van Halen touched girls? All those rock stars did, dude.

They would sing about them in their songs. They were passing around some 14-year-old girl, yeah. Wait, Van Halen's old girl? All those rock stars did, dude. They would sing about them in their songs. They were passing around some, like, 14-year-old girl, yeah. She was, like, a big jagger in them. Big whore. But that's another thing. She was, like, a big groupie. She was, like, that was, like, part of our identity. But you know what the other thing that's interesting is that, like,

if you go back far enough in history, 14-year-olds, like, ran countries. You know what I mean? Like, I forget. There was some Chinese emperor who was, like, 13 or, like, 14 years old. And it's like, okay, so if he gets some pussy, someone's raping the emperor? So the real issue, I think, is childhood is longer now. Right. Like, when you were 13 before, it's life or death now.

It's a full life. You are, yeah, you are, like, you're a grown fucking person. Yeah. Go figure out life. Go kill food. Go do whatever you do. Now, 13 years old is, like, you're in middle school person yeah go figure out life go kill food go do whatever you do now 13 years old is like you're in middle school you're in the safe thing it's like a very different mentally you're not grown up at all you don't think that at what point are you on

on on uh molestable. What? Like, at what point do you become unmolestable? Like, for me... I didn't realize how ridiculous that question was. I was about to honestly answer. Me too. I was like, 17? 17? For boys, it's like 10.

For boys, it's like 11, 12. I'm molestable and I'm being generous. Not for boys, for girls. Boys. I'm not talking about girls. Girls you can molest them up to like 40. But guys? You can molest a girl at 40 years old, right?

She'll have some fucking reason why, right? So, but... But unmolestable. You never had a girl 40 say that she was molested? Nah. Never was? Not yet. That's basically why I bought them Cosby girls.

Right. They was all to cover the New Yorker. They was like 90 at the time. Yo. When the fuck did this happen? Yo. Yo. Black ass cats coming through, yo.

It's because you watch it by NBC. Oh, man. Yo, shout out Bill Cosby, yo. It's because he wants to buy NBC. Oh, man. Yo, shout out Bill Cosby, yo. Yo, what do you mean? He was like, he said he refused to apologize. He was like, yo, I know I didn't do any of this.

I was like, yo, granted, you probably did some horrible shit, but that motherfucker is like not giving it. I mean, he got nothing to lose. He might as well not give in lose he's got a full life he's gotta give or take a few years left like why not just die on your sword like fuck it

go out on his shield back to back to boys unmolested raping women jesus christ okay i think there is a play here that's unfair with like the church when the church gets involved right obviously when the church gets involved there's like another force here that's molesting, right? Makes them more molestable. Yes. Yes. But non-church, just like teacher, that kind of shit. Yes.

I think 14. Female teacher. Female teacher. And you're straight. You're straight. I think 14, you're aware enough mentally of what's... I knew which teachers I thought were hot and which teachers I did not think were hot, and I would have had sex with them at 14 without a fucking question.

Yeah. I think 14 is fair enough for unmolestable. You could say there's something from the teacher to you, but I don't think you could say I was... Do you know what I'm saying? So I think the big thing about being molested at that age is the mental thing, because it's a power thing. It's never been a sexual thing. It's always about just like, oh, I hold power over this.

That's why the R. Kelly shit is so fucked up. No, but for boys, you're not like, oh, she has power over me. You're like, I'm getting some pussy. Yeah, that's why nobody cares. She teaches me social studies. She ain't got no has power over me. You're like, I'm getting some pussy. Yeah, that's why nobody cares. She teaches me social studies. Nobody does. That's what I'm saying. Nobody cares when boys get molested.

But that's the bullshit about the power over me thing in school because we were bad in class. So clearly they weren't overpowering us. It's not like the church shit is different because you could say God wanted you to suck your dick. And you're like, damn, I believe in God, so if that's what God wants, whatever. But if the teacher is like, I want to suck your dick. And you're like, damn, I believe in God, so if that's what God wants, whatever. But if the teacher is like, I want to suck your dick.

Yeah, that's you. You know how dumb you were at 14, though? You know the stupid shit we all believed at that age? What? You would think if you had a D on your fucking report card, you were going to die. You were not Kyrian, bro. You got to understand.

You didn't? No. You didn't? You didn't really? Oh, man. You never said never? And you're like, oh, man, my mom's going to die. You were not Kyrian, bro. You got to understand. You didn't? No. You didn't? You didn't really? Oh, man. You never said never? And you're like, oh, man, my mom's going to kill me. No.

I was just thinking about how I'm going to change that D to like a B and just pass that shit off. And they're not going to see all the mis-fucking. See, I hate it when people do this shit, right? When they have like, oh, why don't you just change the grade? I'm like, they're not going to see all the fucking mis-fucking answers over here. Oh, I guess that's an A+. Like, that doesn't make any fucking sense.

Yo, your parents know the answers. That's the difference. Yeah. My parents didn't know the answers to that fucking high math and shit. Fuck out of here, bro. And if you do bad, you just blame the teachers. Like, oh, it's a bad teacher. Everybody, all the kids did bad.

Nah, see? Yeah, the whole class did bad. How many times did you get your ass whipped as a kid? I mean, a little bit, but by my dad. See, see? That's it right there. Never for grades, though. You didn't get your ass whipped enough as a kid, bro. a little bit. You didn't get it. See, see. That's it right there. You didn't get your ass whipped enough as a kid, bro. It's never great.

Yo, he Puerto Rican. I don't give a fuck. It was never great. Okay, we're getting off the point here. Okay. The point is back to- What is molesting? Yeah, the point is the unmolestable age.

Yeah. Okay? So it's like, I think the teacher is wrong. The teacher can be like statutory rape in the kid, right? Her behavior to the kid is bad, but the kid can't say I was, the boy can't say I was raped. That's basically the Michael Jackson thing, right?

Those people were saying about him. No, no, no. I don't want to get into that. I just want to speak female teacher to, I can only speak about me at 14. Male student, female teacher, 14, 15, 16. We're talking about. I would go younger.

I would go 12. The moment your dick gets hard, you're. It's trickier. It's trickier when we're outside of high school. Let's just. Let's just. Because look, there's always a number, right? Let's just try to find a number.

14, 15, 16. The teacher is inappropriate, yes. But as a student, you don't care that much about your grades, right? There's nothing really the teacher can hold over you. You're not being abused here.

It's not abuse. You're not being abused. You're being abused, not being abused you're you're you're being abused but you aren't abused how do i you don't understand what i'm saying and they're a teacher so it's a teaching moment i guess i mean for you gotta you got what's the statute of limitations on that shit though it's like when you're a teenager like i know like i'm guessing here clearly but like i think like 90 of like those dudes that get molested by like the hot older teacher that ends up on the news. Like, oh man, this girl fucking slept with like some 14 year old or whatever. Like, you don't think they're really fucked up until like 20 years down the line.

Like for the first like five or 10 years of that shit, they're like, oh, I was fucking my teacher in high school, man. You're the fucking man, right? Yeah. It's not until they get older where they're like, oh shit my teacher in high school man you're the fucking man right it's not until they get older where they're like oh shit this kind of mind will fuck me up

that's the issue it usually fucks the people up down the road they realize it like they got weird views like you see anybody who lost their virginity at like 12

11 10 they're always like they just have really wild views on sex that aren't like healthy like even D-Ray was saying

like he got molested the comedian that poor guy ended up with two wives well I wish someone molested, the comedian. That poor guy ended up with two wives. Well, I wish someone molested that into me. I wish somebody molested the ability for me to have multiple women do whatever I wanted and then break up with them and have another two. But right now, the one you have is ideal.

Alex, stop copping pleas for me. You make it worse, you fucking idiot. I can barely take care of one. I can never do two girlfriends or two wives. No, but if you're the one that comes in, now I look like the asshole like I didn't say it. Before it's a joke, you come in with the serious shit. All right, rewind.

Idiots, bro. This is why Alex is single Bro he doesn't I mean I be trying to help out My bad When you help out It seems serious Yeah

If not It's just a joke You didn't help out About 9-11 at all I mean I was trying but No you weren't You was footballing You were

You was footballing 9-11 has been dealt with He's trying to help you if you got to deal with it later. So, but you understand the point. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get your point.

I get your point. Like, it's minimal. Like, I understand if you're like touching little fucking kids and shit, then they come out all weird. They think they're trans, whatever. I'm talking about

you get touched at like 14 by a teacher. That's good. And all you need and all you need after that is is what like all that happens after that is like what you're into like a little kinky shit threesomes do you know what i mean if anything you like older women and older women need that who likes them right if anything if older women cared about future older women they'd be out here touching 14 year old boys so they would create more men they like

older women this is how you plant the seed solid point so set you and your cat make a point bro make a point just trying to fucking save the world Akash Akash is leaving me in this shit I tried to knock down a professor You did? Yeah Wait are there Can you be a professor if you're a woman?

Wow Yes But what do you call them? A professor That's a teacher It's a teacher That's a college teacher What is a man

What is a female professor? A college teacher. Oh, my God. No, I'm being dead serious. Isn't professor male? No, you're like Mrs. Huh? You're like Mrs.

What do you call it, professors? Professor Johnson and Mrs. Johnson. Professor her? What do you call a female professor, bro? Mrs., yo. Mrs., ma'am. Yeah. I understand there's girl doctors

right and there's male doctors you could use doctor for both but professor I've never heard like professor whatever

Mildred or something what's what's a girl professor's name so you you say Mrs. and then their first name

you go Mrs. so like Mrs. Shirley Mrs. Shirley yeah and then and if name. You go Mrs. So like Mrs. Shirley. Mrs. Shirley. Yeah. And then if it's a male professor. Professor.

Professor. Or doctor. Probably doctor is more respectful. Doctor. No, but there are women doctors. No, well. There are women professors. You just don't put that in the title.

You're telling me you can call a female professor, professor. Yes. They will not be offended. No. Why? Doesn't that make them sound like dudes or old or something

you have to acknowledge that she's married or not that's what you do so miss or missus missus missus or miss miss is when you're alone

yes missus is when you're married yes and you need to let them know miss or missus so missus is like okay you've done your job

and then miss is like get your, you've done your job. And then Ms. is like, get your shit together. Like every time you say her name. So she remembers. It's like a little reminder to remind her, hey, you're not a woman yet. You gotta get there.

You still gotta get there. I thought female professors were the adjuncts. Were the what? What did he say? Adjuncts. What does that mean? Like you're there temporarily.

Oh, like the TA or whatever? No, no. That's a different thing, I think. I think adjuncts. What does that mean? Like you're there temporarily. Oh, like the TA or whatever? No, no, no. That's a different thing, I think. I think adjunct is almost like a temporary professor, right? Yeah, it's like professor in training. Yeah. But when they're done training, what do they do? They kind of become always training.

They probably take messages from the male professors. You know what I mean? Make copies. Oh, they work in that thing where you put the slots in to make the phone calls go? Yeah. The switchboard. Yeah, the switchboard. That's what a female professor is.

100%. Oh. Yeah. I always wondered that. How many of them do we have working in the city that we make these phone calls and it goes through every single time? It's impressive, yo. It is impressive, dude.

I mean- We need a women's appreciation day to just appreciate all the messages they take. Yo, all the phone calls, do you know, I mean like think about how many phone calls you've made and never once has Shirley just dropped that thing by accident and then get it in. Look at that. Oh my God. They must love that job because they love gossip and shit, so they just listen to everybody's call and shit.

Yeah. Wow, dude. Do you think they made women do that job or women were just like, I want that? Oh, no, they want that. If you're going to make me work, let me have some fun. Dude, you know how paranoid you would be if your wife worked in that shit? Oh, shit.

All the phone calls that you would have to make? Yo. Oh, my Lord. Nah, dude. You'd have to be single as a requirement for that job. Hey, man, I'm going to come hang out, but I love hanging out with my wife so much that I might not be able to make it.

Just really enjoy her company. She's so funny. Okay. Shall we get into some tings this week? Yeah, let's talk about Morgan and Morgan first. Ah, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. This podcast, ladies and gentlemen, is

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We know we've heard about like fake news Oh my fucking god are you serious You heard about fake news Jesus Christ CNN and Fox News and all these Media outlets being completely Biased and having narratives And storylines that they want to

Suppress And narratives and storylines that they want to suppress and narratives and storylines that they want to inflate. You know, you hear about MSNBC completely freezing Andrew Yang out of the presidential debates because the game is rigged. And right now we are witnessing the rigging of the game. Somehow, some way, Carmelo Anthony has become the player of the week for the Western Conference, a conference that includes the Houston Rockets, a conference that includes the Lakers, a conference that includes the Dallas Mavericks, okay?

Somehow, with James Harden dropping 60 fucking points. In 30 minutes. In 30 minutes, three quarters, 60 points. Somehow, with Luka Doncic averaging a triple-double on everybody's head. Somehow with LeBron James and Anthony Davis absolutely body motherfuckers. Somehow with Paul Pierce. Not Paul Pierce. YG Trese.

What is it? Paul? Paul George. Paul George. Paul George. Busting motherfuckers' ass. Carmelo Anthony and his measly 18 points and fucking four rebounds. 22 points. Whatever he gets ends up being the Western Conference Player of the Week.

I guess he is the flavor of the week. This is absolute bullshit. This is the NBA making up for the fact that they froze him out of the league. They feel bad. Maybe it's a story that the Portland press is promoting. Portland has a lot of influence in the league. They have a lot of influence in ESPN. Remember, Portland, big relationships with Nike,

big relationships with Adidas. This is where their hubs are. If they want to put a little sauce on the league and they want to put a little sauce on ESPN to write a nice article or even put a little sauce on the NBA to write a nice article about this new player that they got, that might be the way to go.

It's absolute bullshit. He does not deserve it. And I'm doubling down, tripling down on the fact that Melo will be a bust this season. Andrew, I've, gosh, there's many things I've called you. All I got to say. Over this lifetime that we've known each other. All I got to say. I've never called you a hater, but this is going to be a first.

All I got to say. You're a fucking hater, dog. I'm a h I gotta say. You're a fucking hater, dog. I'm a hater, dog. You're a fucking hater, bro. This motherfucker came off basically off the fucking street with no Lillard. First two games, stunk. Right? Obviously. He's shot close to what? 70%

from the field? Getting close to eight rebounds a game. 22 points per game as a third option. These motherfuckers, the Blazers, who a lot of people thought was like a sneaky good Western Conference team, might sneak around and they added Whiteside. We was talking about it the other week. The other day, they said, oh, they got Whiteside, they got Nurkic, they got

Little, they got McCollum, they should be good. They weren't. They were like 10th or 11th in the conference at one point. This motherfucker came back, three straight wins. After two straight losses. Two straight losses. No Lillard.

Got you. Two and three. Two and three. He's averaging 14 points a game. What is he averaging? Averaging 17 a game. 17, 6, and 2. But this week he's averaged 22 and 8. Listen, you can't tell me.

The argument before was he should be overseas. He should be in China if he really wants to play basketball. He's washed. He's this and that. He's clearly not washed. He could clearly fucking help a team put it in the right situation. He's in the right situation right now. The NBA has moved towards his type of game.

Small ball power forward. Don't got to guard no small forwards out there. Don't got to guard the Paul Georges or the Giannis of the world. Go guard some big men. You know what I'm saying? Shoot, stretch the floor out. Get rebounds. Get the fuck out of here rebounds and rebounding.

You got two great guards to play with. He's still a very good NBA player. The actual argument against Melo, all jokes aside, we'd obviously clown on him super hard and probably were super harsh and maybe unnecessarily. I don't think so. The argument against Mello at the end of the day is he takes more off the table than he puts on it if you want a team that's actually contending.

Now, if you're happy being an 8th, 9th seed, losing in the first round, Mello's your guy, yo. If he'll take a smaller role and eat his ego and come up off the bench or happily be the third option. Cool. He has a place in the league. But if I want a team that's truly contending for a championship, Melo ain't on it.

Melo on the Blazers, cool. Melo on the fucking, not even, like the Magic, great. And I'm not saying the Magic are shitty. I'm saying, like, that's the squad he belongs on. And that's why he gets kicked off. Or not even picked up by all the contenders. He could have got picked up. The Blazers are a contender.

Stop. They were a contender at the beginning of the year. They're not a real contender. They had a slow start. They went to the second round. Don't say stop, stop. They went to the second round last year. You don't remember waving Paul George goodbye? Did that just happen?

Did I just forget that? Then why wouldn't they pick him up at the beginning of the year? Why wouldn't they pick him up? They went through a shit ton of injuries. They lost all their power forwards. Oh, so why can't we just say they're getting healthy now and that's why they're winning? You're moving the goalposts right now. No. You're moving the goalposts right now. What we're saying is

they're 8-12. Yes. They were worse than that before. Guys, guys, guys. Did the Lakers want him? No. Did the Clippers want him? No. Did Houston want him? No. Did any West Coast contender want him? No. When Portland was out of the playoff race, they were like, all right, just pick the fucking

guy up. We can use a couple points or something like that. We're not going to win it this year. Obviously, we don't have the team. So yes, he's good to fill up stats a little bit. But they're winning. He's the plus 50 or whatever when he's on the court. They're one game out of the eighth seed.

You think the Suns and the Timberwolves and the Jazz, you believe in those motherfuckers? I believe in Damian Lillard and CJ McCollum before I believe in any of those guys. That's fine. If you want a team that is contending for an eighth seed, Melo fits. Melo's good there. But you're not a real contender as an eighth seed.

They're not real contenders. How are they real contenders? They were real contenders last year, absolutely. I'll give you whatever odds you want, whatever money you want, they don't win the championship. Any odds, any money. That means I'll give you $1,000 to one, you put a dollar on it. I said from the whatever odds you want, whatever money you want. They don't win the championship. Any odds, any money. That means I'll give you $1,000.

I said from the beginning of the year, clearly I've said the Lakers are winning it all. That was my fucking pick. But to say that they're not real contenders? Did you put the camera on me at all when they were just arguing? Damn it. I really wanted a Larry David. Da-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-d only viable help that they can get from off the street at a big need at power forward. He's done that.

He doesn't have to be the main guy. Like you said, if you're relying on 34, 5-year-old Carmelo Anthony to lead you to the championship by himself, of course you're not going to win shit. Of course. But you got your franchise player. You got your franchise backcourt. You got Hassan Whiteside who, for, you know, say what you want about him. He does what he's supposed to do.

And Melo is just a guy who comes in, grits, rebounds, and scores. He still has a place in this league. He should have had a place in the league last year. He was in a shitty position with the Thunder, shitty position with the Rockets. He's in a good position now. Apologize to Melo. Both of you. Fine. Both of you.

Fine, fine, fine. I'm going to have to get testicle surgery, guys. What? Huh? I might have to. I've told you about how I have some varicosity on the veins of my left testicle, right? And I think ever since I've been doing kickboxing, I've been doing a lot of these left kicks. It's a round one kick.

And when I- Apologize to Mello. Apologize to Mello, yollow let me just get this out the round one kicks that i've been doing they require like a lot of whipping and i haven't had the right underwear lately i've been using a lot of hanes because my girl sleeps in my other underwear and then she takes it back to her house so i've been using these whitey tighty what do you normally use i usually usually use a Joe Boxer, a size large, or I've been using some MeUndies that have a lot of, like, just support. You got some long-ass balls, man.

I said I got long balls. But it's like, and the Hanes are pushing my dick because there's not enough cock and balls section of it. So it's pushing my dick and balls between my legs, and my balls kind of hang between my legs like a dog's, more like. You do got some long ass i do got long ass balls bro and but my left one specifically is very long and all these uh kicks i've been doing i think are really stretching out the veins that are already kind of hanging down and i think that i'm gonna have to get a surgery to bring up those veins back into my like fupa so that they're not hanging down and putting all that weight in my balls.

I don't see what that has to do with Carmelo Anthony and apologizing to him. The point is, both of us are going to make a comeback this year. Okay. And the reality is, neither of it will matter. Okay. And the reality is neither of it will matter. Okay. I'm not impressing anybody with these balls. Okay.

I got my girl. She deals with the balls. She laughs at it. I have a big left fucking ball. Are you saying your balls are a third option of life right now? Bro, you know what the reality of the matter is? It could affect my sperm count. Yeah, because your balls, if you guys didn't know, the reason they hang down is not for fun games you play with your boys.

It's because the temperature of your testicles is so sensitive. It cannot be too hot or too cold or else the sperm will die. That's why I say if you're in a- It's a guest house for your body. It's a guest house for your balls.

It's a guest house for your balls, for your sperm. Yeah. Right? So they say if you're in a jacuzzi, did you hear this?

Yeah. What is it? It's too hot and it can affect your sperm count because it can raise the temperature. And that's why

your ball sack either scrunches up or it loosens depending on the temperature of your body. So if you're cold, it's going to scrunch up and get closer to your body for more heat. And that's why rich people never have kids. Why is that? Because they have these luxurious lives. They're in pools. They're in saunas.

They're in jacuzzis. These poor people taking cold showers. They've got fucking kids coming out of every orifice. Okay? Because they have nothing affecting the temperature of their balls, so to say. So it's a sincere situation. I might have to get a little surgery. I might have to get a little surgery.

I don't feel like you guys care. I feel like that's premature on the surgery. I'm going to be honest. What if it's... I don't even want to say it, but what if it's another issue? What if I had to get one of my balls lopped off? No. One ball Schultz-y out here.

One ball Schultz-y out here, dogs. One ball. But if you're going to do that, are you going to also get the- Fake ball? Nah. What? They do. The hemorrhoid taken care of since they're going to be down there.

No, my hemorrhoids deflated. 100% get a fake ball if you got to get rid of one. I would probably get a fake ball. It's all about symmetry. Yeah. I probably would get a fake ball. Balls are really just aesthetics anyway. That being said, I think with less sack, my cock would look massive, dude.

Dude, that fucking cock just hanging down past that sack. The sack is barely even there. What about a sack tightening procedure? Like a nut lift. Yo, so my sack, that is great. If I got the nut lift, so you wouldn't even notice it was just one ball. You know, like, oh, let me get this shit tightened up right here. I'd get my nuts.

You hit your scrotum. Yes. Now your ball's got a little more support. And dick just hanging down like an elephant's trunk. Sack lift. Sack lift, dick just hanging down like an elephant's trunk. Sacklift. Sacklift, dick all hanging. Dangle. Yeah.

So your dick and ball sack are hanging at the same length? My ball sack sometimes, bro, if it's fucking hot. Oh, boy. Son, if it's hot, dude. If it's hot, bro. It's resting? Your dick's resting on the balls? Dude, if it's hot, dude, it is's hot, bro. It's resting. It's resting on the balls. Dude, if it's hot, dude.

This is crazy. It is. It is down there, bro. You need to get that surgery. You think? Yeah. But get the Hemi. No, the Hemi's good.

The Hemi's fucking, the Hemi's deflated. But it's still there. No, it's not. It's gone. It went away. Really? It went away. There's chances it could come back, but I try not to hang out in the toilet that much.

I try not to push that hard. I let it come. Sometimes I would push until I got out of breath. And I think that's the problem, is that there were times where I'd be pooping, and I would push until I went out of breath. I had no more breath. That's crazy, dude. But I would get it out.

Eat fiber. I would what? Eat some fiber, yo. Yeah, bro. Take a probiotic. Yeah, but I'm off of that. I think I'm off of fiber. Hey, man.

I'm telling you How you off of fiber? Is that one of those? Some raisin bran bro The fuck is No you're not off of fiber yo Are you sure? Vegetables

Fruits I eat both of those Some antioxidants Yeah dog you off of bread Some berries I'm off of bread There's more shit with fiber in it than just bread Can I tell you

Bread don't even got that much fiber Can I tell you a secret, Akash? Yeah. I broke. Whoa. For Thanksgiving. Of course you broke for Thanksgiving. Of course, you should. Stupid ass. And the day after. You should. I had some pasta. Get in there, dog. It's Thanksgiving. The whole

week is Thanksgiving. It's about gluttony. It's the best fucking holiday. And no bullshit, my ball hung way more the next day. And I think there could be a connection between diet. You know how you get sleepy after you eat a lot of carbs? Maybe your nuts just got a little sleepy in you. Ball's got the itis.

Son, he's not. Dude, my balls look like they're lynched. Dude, it is bad, bro. A lot of watchmen. It looks like the watchmen, dude dude His balls are hanging in effigy Real talk man It is It is something we have to

I'm gonna I'm gonna find a way to show a picture His balls look like Fucking Brooks and Shawshank Oh my god Son Big news I gotta I gotta do some big news Oh, my God. Son, big news. I got to do some big news. We should have opened with this.

That was pretty big. Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I don't know how you can follow a possible one nut hanging around your dick. That was long news. Big news. That was long. This is big. Big news.

Okay. I'm actually telling you this, guys, early because the official information that we're starting to drop with is going to come out this week. And you can get all the info on my Instagram or Twitter. You'll have the website, all that kind of shit. But a lot of you guys have been asking, yo, where can we get the fashion? Where can we get the fashion? Where can we get the merch, as we refer to as the fashion? You've seen it in the videos.

You've seen it on the dropping in. You've seen it on the vlogs. Where can you it on the dropping in. You've seen it on the vlogs. Where can you get the fashion? I'm wearing a shirt right now. I got my anti-social justice warrior hoodie. We are opening up the online store finally. Yes, it's happened. Right in time for Christmas

so you and your loved ones can be dripping in that fashion. All the information's dropping this week. It's going to be open for three days only while supplies last. That's it. Friday, Saturday, Sunday, if we make it to Sunday. Friday, Saturday, Sunday. You can look on my Twitter and Instagram for the links on how you can get the fashion. We'll start dropping information about it Tuesday, then Wednesday, then Thursday.

But you go out, you get it while supplies last. This is for Christmas. Make sure your loved ones are always fashionable, okay? They're always your plus one. They're always confident. Shout out to Naomi Smalls. We got to get her on the podcast soon. Anyway, that's my plug.

Also, we got shows coming up. Theandrewschultz.com, Seattle, a few tickets left for that second show. Go get them shits. Vancouver, all sold out. Boat shows, Salt Lake City, a few tickets left for that second show. LA will be out there that week.

Shadow Band show at the Comedy Store. That'll be really fun with Santino, Tim Dillon, and Tony Hinchcliffe. And Edmonton as well. We got Tony Hinchcliffe and Edmonton as well we got a few tickets left for the Edmonton show so get on that shit right fucking now okay yes I got

shows I am going to be in Mumbai on December 20th and 21st Big Desi Energy Cohen Home India come through after that to start 2020 on January 9th I am at Hilarity's in Cleveland. January 14th, I am at the Stress Factory in New Brunswick. Ed and I are going to be there filming.

Andrew's stopping in. I fully expect Alex to be there. Kaz, come through. You in Jersey. I'll be there. God damn it. January 15th, I'm in Helium Comedy Club in Philly. January 28th, I'm at Tacoma Comedy Club in Tacoma, Washington.

January 29th, I am at the Punchline in Sacramento. January 30th through February 1st, I am in, where the fuck am I in? I forget. I'll think of that in a second. February 6th, I'm at Zany's in Nashville. February 8th, I am in Atlanta at the Laughing Skull. Oh, Rooster Teeth Feathers, that's where I am. January 30th

through February 1st, Rooster Teeth Feathers in San Jose. Come through. A lot of shows. A lot of shows. You're shows We doing it We doing it I see it I got ideas I got ideas I want to cook up for Maybe two specials

Maybe two specials And this year And it will be 2020 and 2021 We'll see I think I can I think I got a couple good ideas I'm working on with Schultz

Motherfuckers is booked and busy I love You love to see that I only got one date to announce The only important date For me December 13th 2019 Brooklyn Barclays Center You love to see that. I only got one date to announce. The only important date for me. December 13th, 2019.

Brooklyn. Barclays Center. Duce Palooza. Tickets are flying. I'm going to run down the motherfucking lineup for you guys just in case you want to see it. We got Swiss Beats versus Just Blaze. Austin Mills. What's first?

They having a. Oh, yeah. Oh, shit. I'm so tight I can't be there, yo. It's going to be a fucking masterpiece. DJ First Choice, Where's Nasty, Massa B, Austin Mills. We got Fivio Foreign performing. Afro B, Partisan Fontaine, Fabulous, The Lox, Cameron, and Jim Jones in Barclays Center.

Get your tickets on Dusaypalooza.com slash tickets. It's going to be a fucking amazing. I have dates, too, if that's okay. Oh, get your dates off, Eddie. Get your motherfucking dates off. Nah, we run out of time, honestly. I'm sorry. You know, there's a limited time in this podcast.

Yeah, some deportes. Get your stupid-ass dates out, Eddie. If anyone cares, which you should, I will be at the Stumble Inn the 7th, 14th, 21st, and the 28th. I'm spinning. That's right. 8 o'clock. Come through. I'll give you all some shots.

Throw the assholes up. You know what it is. It's going to be fun. And you're going to hook us up with shots? Yes, sir. That's what's up. Of course. I got to pull up to one of your sets one day.

Please do. So it's going to be a lot of fun. Come through. Yeah. Goddamn. So are we going to get into some more deport more to point this yeah man let's do it um what football did you want to you know what i love to talk about how tom brady's allergic to black quarterbacks let me tell you something that motherfucker looks done huh bro bro let's talk about it here's why everybody's hesitating, myself included,

because we've always had this thought about the Patriots. Every fucking year they win the Super Bowl, since, I don't know, 2005, every year since then we've been like, ah, they're done. This is it. It's over. And then they come back and win the Super Bowl that year. So I'm hesitating to say it, but he don't look right. The Patriots don't look fast or explosive on offense. They don't look good, man. They don't look complete or explosive on offense. They don't look good, man.

They don't look complete. They look terrible. And the defense looks like it struggles with athleticism, i.e. black quarterbacks. Yeah, bro. If they got a quarterback that can move a little bit, even like Josh Allen gave him some problems. And, you know, he's not black, but he plays like one. I mean, not that bright.

Not that bright. Just dives in the head first. He completes a percentage not that high. But he bright. Just dives in head first. He completes the percentage, not the high. But he wins. But he fucking wins. But he can run, boy. Motherfucker run. But now, you know what the thing is?

You know how I'm just like you. I'm like, you know what? Every year we say this about Brady and yada, yada, yada. But the one thing that's different from this year and all the other years is that Tom Brady would always take these fucking no-name guys, these guys who play like lacrosse or wasn't fucking drafted to Edelman, Chris Hogan, Wes Walker, all these white guys that can run and turn them into household fucking names. That ain't happening this year, bro.

These guys don't look explosive. They don't look sharp. They don't look like this motherfucker. Everybody knew what Antonio Brown was accused of. Everybody. And this motherfucker was like, yo, you can stay in my house. This is how Dunn knew he was. I'm so in on the Tom Brady.

Let me tell you something. Tom Brady, this is why he the GOAT. Because he wants to win that badly with six Super Bowls. And he said, yo, accused rapist, come stay with my wife and kids. Stay with my wife and kids. So we can win a seventh Super Bowl. Jesus. I already got more than anybody else.

I need more. But I want a seventh. Come, be with my wife, be with my children. Unsupervised at times, I'm sure. As long as we win, I don't give a fuck. God damn. That's the GOAT, dog. And you know what's fucked up?

MJ ain't doing that. You know what's wild? Jordan Jackson will have motherfuckers at his house. Jackson's, yeah. that's a Tuesday. I don't know. But honestly, I think as the days go by, I'm thinking they're going to give him a call. I'm thinking they're going to give him a call. The league hasn't reinstated him.

The league hasn't reinstated him. The league hasn't reinstated him. They're still getting wins, though. They're still getting wins. Yeah, but now they got to go on the road for the AFC. You know what? They just lost home field advantage. I don't know that the Ravens will win out.

Kaz was completely fucking right about Lamar. I still don't think they win the Super Bowl just based on the fact that it seems like every year there's a team that gets dumb hot around this time, and then something happens in the playoffs. So, I'm not saying they won't win it. I wouldn't pick them just because of that reason.

It's just like, that's not a great reason. But I just don't fully believe in them yet. But Lamar Jackson is MVP. I was team Russell Wilson forever, but it's got to go to Lamar now. Last night against the Niners was impressive. And now the Patriots had to play in Baltimore, and that would be a thing. But that's the thing, though. Those teams that usually get hot, the Ravens are that team.

Before, they were just winning off of Lamar craziness. Now the defense got together. Marcus Peters is locked in. Earl Thomas is locked in. They're hard-hitting motherfuckers again. They're playing better. It's a complete team. They're a complete fucking team. I don't see them with any weaknesses. I still think the Saints

take the NFC. I still think that's my Super Bowl. I would love to see the Saints do it. I'm not fully sold. The way they're skating by game after game, I would love to see them win it because the Cowboys clearly aren't. I would love to see New Orleans do it. I love the city. Drew Brees is great.

I just don't believe in them. The way they're just barely beating everybody, I'm just not into it. This will be the year that they'll do it, though. Not the year that they're just mowing through everybody. Because they're quietly 10-2. Like nobody's talking about them. The New Orleans Saints.

Just quietly 10-2 in the NFC. The NFC East is trash. Fucking, you know, Aaron Rodgers is always going to have something to say at the end of the day.

Seahawks is going to be there too. But I think the Saints are just more complete. I don't believe in the Niners. I don't believe in grappling in the playoffs. I don't even know

if they win the division. I still pick Seattle. I still like Seattle too. Like there's just something about Russell Wilson the division. I still pick Seattle. I still like Seattle, too. There's just something about Russell Wilson, bro. Yeah, he different. When it's playoff time, that motherfucker has moments. Yeah, when it's winning time. He has moments in the playoffs, and I think he's going to be able to go on the...

I'm out too early. What is big truss? That's what Mark Ingram always calls himself. Sounds good. Woo-woo. Big truss. But what is it? Big truss.

I don't know. It sounds good. What is that? Sounds good. Is it scary? It just sounds good, bro. But is Big Truss a gang? I always thought he was a gang.

Why's it got to be a gang? Is it because there's black people yelling it? Anytime a black person yells with his hands like this, I think it's fair to assume it's a gang. Well, Justin Tucker said it last night. Yeah, but he was mocking Mark Ingram. That was the joke. He was like, who went Big Truss?

If a black guy does something with his fingers, right? And he goes, big truss? Or something like that? I'm not saying he definitely is in a gang, but it's fair to assume. It's fair to assume that he's been around some gangsters.

Yeah. If you see a guy with a beard go a la Akbar in public, he could just be praising God. What does big trust mean? Oh, yes. Goddamn, Ed, this motherfucker asleep. And then when it come time to see me, I said, what does it mean?

What does it mean? What does big trust mean? I think it's two S's, too. We've been talking about what big trust means for four minutes and you thought we just wanted to see the clip that we quoted verbatim? Who slash what is big trust? It's slang for

I agree because Lamar says that for almost everything. Oh, so that's his nickname. Oh, big boy nickname for Lamar Jackson is big trust because he says that for almost everything. I can see that being his nickname. Big trust. What is Pompano? Pompano Beach. Yeah, Florida. It's Florida slang. Big Trust. Big Trust. Okay, I can see that. I can see that. Big Trust. See, this is what you do, man. Just assuming it's gang activity. See,

if you see a German raise his right hand in the air and say some German shit, you could probably assume it's some Nazi stuff, right? He could be hailing a fucking cab really seriously. But that's a thing, right? Like, if you saw a German just... Taxi, please! The taxi needs to stop here! It's like, I just like Lamar Jackson! Why does everyone run when I do this?

Just saying there are certain assumptions that make perfect fucking sense. Okay. Zining district. We were talking about, while you were out, we were talking about, is Tom Brady done? Is it a wrap? Nobody made an ovens joke? Nobody?

Nobody? Nobody? Nobody did it? Nobody did it? Nobody went for it? It was wide open. It was wide open. It was wide open. Nobody took advantage. Big trust. Nobody did it. Nobody went for it. It was wide open. It was wide open. It was wide open.

Nobody took advantage. Big trust. Woo, woo. Yeah, he looked washed, bro. That little man looked sad, yo. He looked washed. So what's the deal with- Son, he looked all crouching right there.

But what is the deal with Tom Brady? He's not 43. Is it his age? Or is it that they don't have receivers? But he's never had receivers. He was playing amazing in the beginning of the year. What has changed? I was hearing he don't look quite the same.

The defense is great. He don't look quite the same. And now all of a sudden it's just like, oof. So the defense got tired? Not as sharp. I always hear, I hear this in basketball and football with quarterbacks and then with star players in basketball, when they fall off, it's very sudden but very sharp.

Very, very noticeable. Even Kobe, I guess he got injured. When he came back, it was like, it's very sudden but very sharp. Very noticeable. Even Kobe, I guess he got injured. When he came back, it was like, oh, you ain't the same. Dirk wasn't the same. Tim Duncan wasn't the same. 60 if he wanted. I mean, if you let him shoot every shot in his last game. That's what being a quarterback is.

Yeah, basically. I don't know, man. Look, I have him watching, so I can't say. I'll tell you this. I want to know this, right? Here's the thing. Is it his age that is causing him to play shitty, or is it the receiving core,

which he had two of the most talented receivers in NFL history, arguably, with Josh Gordon and Antonio Brown, and all of a sudden they aren't there, and now they can't get anything going on offense. I find that to be at bare minimum correlational. That's possible. That's a good point. The way I see it, I honestly think in the beginning of the year,

Bill Belichick, one of the smartest football guys in the world, knows that the league is moving towards these mobile-type quarterbacks, these Lamar Jacksons, these Sean Watsons, these Russell Wilsons, Kyle Murrays, all these type of shit. He's like, yo, I got this all fucking world defense.

I got this fucking 95 Pinto still running my offense. It's like, dog, Bill Belichick ain't going nowhere, bro.

I think he knows like, yo, we got to get younger quarterback. Oh, I got these plays that I want to run with these motherfuckers.

I know I can't run with your old ass, but I can't just cut you because you Tom Brady. You got six fucking rings, but he old ass, but I can't just cut you because you're Tom Brady. You got six fucking rings. But he's a heartless motherfucker. He's cut people for less. So I'm thinking like, I think Brady knows

that Belichick's like, yo, I'm really coming to try to move on with you. And that's fine. And maybe Brady knows that as well. Maybe Brady wants to do one year somewhere else. I think the biggest story quarterback-wise in the NFL right now is maybe Ben Roethlisberger was just okay

because the Steelers are playing very well with a fourth-string quarterback, no running back, missing one of the offensive linemen, I think, right? Pouncey's out. Yeah, Pouncey's out because of the kick into the head, shit like that. Maybe Ben Roethlisberger isn't as great as we all thought he was. Maybe they had an impeccable offensive line that could give whatever quarterback was back there the ability and time needed to make NFL throws.

The thing with Ben, though, is he would hang in there forever. There would be plays where he should have been sacked five different times, but he's so fucking big, and he would hang in there forever and then make the throw, and the throw wouldn't be like the most accurate throw you've ever seen,

but in the circumstances, considering how much the walls are caving in on him, it was so fucking impressive what he would do, and he would do it all the time. Fair enough.

A lot of people, when he first started winning, and maybe early on it was more the defense, but then it was kind of like Russell Wilson. As it went on, you were like, oh, no, this motherfucker's good. He's the guy. I always thought he was amazing.

I liked him in college when he was at Ohio, Miami of Ohio. And I remember thinking, and I'm not even a big college guy, but I remember seeing him throw going, holy shit, this guy's got a fucking arm. And fair enough. He can get the ball down the field for these dynamic wide receivers like Antonio Brown, Juju. Juju's been out too. Juju was out.

They got this kid, James Washington, who's nice. But James Conner out too? Conner's out. Mike Conner's got a lot of credit. He's got to get coach of the year type shit. Give Tomlin credit. I thought they were done. That being said, it's just an interesting situation to see somebody who we thought the

whole team was built around. The entire team was built around the entire team was built around um ben roethlisberger and then all of a sudden excuse me and then all of a sudden you put these new guys you put these new guys in and their success especially the running backs like that's what makes me think it's the offensive line is okay james connor goes in and then all of a sudden has incredible numbers following who we thought was the best running back in the NFL. Le'Veon Bell is on the bum-ass Jets. Is he doing anything? Yes, I mean, he's been all right.

Because maybe he's not that good. Offensive line makes all the difference for everything. Maybe the slept-on situation in the NFL and in Pittsburgh has always been the offensive line. Maybe they've had the most dominant offensive line that we haven't given credit for. Oh, the Pouncey Twins are legit. They're like Hall of Famers. Son and Villanueva.

David DeCastro is good. Villanueva is probably good. Their future Hall of Famers, the Pouncey guys. They have held down the offensive line for going on a decade right now. I mean, we knew the Cowboys offensive line, right? We knew these guys were fucking legit. But I never heard them give any credit whatsoever to the Pittsburgh Steelers or nobody give credit to the Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line.

And maybe it was because Ben was so dominant and he was so big that people were like, ah, whatever, he's just going to throw the ball over. Did you ever hear anybody talk about the Steelers offensive line? No, not really. No. And you know what it is? Even now, from what I understand or what I'm hearing, it's more their defense carrying them.

But you're right. Like, they have – they give up Le'Veon Bell. James Conner steps in and does just fine. They give up A.B. Give up A.B. They're still producing. Now, Mason Rudolph I think sucks, and this guy is apparently pretty salty. But, like, still, if you don't give a young quarterback time,

I don't care who he is, he's fucked. There's maybe one or two that can fuck, like Lamar Jackson, because he's so agile. He can create time. Deshaun Watson. Who's got some Raffles broken in him? Deshaun Watson. But even then, he was-

Breaking tackles and shit. Yeah, there's a ceiling on what he could do. As great as he was his first two years with no line, there was a ceiling on what he could do. Right, right, was his first two years with no line, there was a ceiling on what he could do. Baker Mayfield sucks because his offensive line sucks. So to your point, there's got to be some kind of offensive line production for this guy to be doing anything. If he's completing deep passes downfield, he's getting time to do it.

It kind of makes you wonder, not wonder, but it kind of makes you realize why so many old quarterbacks aren't trying to give up their starting spot. You look at fucking Kyle Allen or Cam Newton and Brady and Roethlisberger and all these like veteran guys knowing that like, yo, like, my job isn't that hard when I have this fucking offensive line in front of me. You know what I'm saying? So like a lot of times these guys, you look at what's happening with Cam Newton now,

if I can get a cheaper fucking upgrade for you, you know what I'm saying, that's younger, that hasn't got as many fucking dings to the head, I'm going to take it. Especially you look at Roethlisberger, are they really waiting for that motherfucker to come back next year? I don't think so. I think they like Duck Rogers a lot. I think it's a wrap for him. I think it's a wrap for Brady.

I think it's a wrap for Phillip Rivers. I think what they're doing right now are winning. Maybe the best thing they could have done is fallen in the standings, get a great draft pick. Well, they traded their first for Minka Fitzpatrick. That's why I was like, early on, I was like, this might be a fucking disastrous trade. And Miami might come out looking like kings. But all of a sudden, they're 7-2 after going 0-3.

So now they're 7-5, and they're in the playoffs right now. If it ends today. What a shame. What a shame for Cleveland, huh? I really thought... They can still take Tua. I think I remember saying this on the podcast. Usually when they have these teams early on, they just sign everybody, trade for everybody,

and you're like, yo, those are the guys. It never works out in football. I don't know why. Yeah. There's too many moving pieces. I don't know. Chemistry's too important. I don't know what it is.

But I remember that not working out. Yeah. Same thing with that Eagles team from, I think, 07 or 05. Yeah, with Vince Young as the backup quarterback. Oh, yeah. He said we're the dream team. Yeah, and they got fucking waxed every week. Same thing that's happened with the Browns, bro.

What else we got, Akash? What else we want to touch on? We could talk Kyrie's a little bitch fit. Terrell Pryor got stabbed. Nick Foles in Philly, only good with each other. Yeah. Luca and Leonardo DiCaprio, Frozen 2. Got stabbed. Nick Foles. Nick Foles and Philly, only good with each other. Yeah. Luca. Leonardo DiCaprio.

Frozen 2. Let's talk about your article. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, Akash. Yeah, I had a write-up, guys. Everybody, ladies and gentlemen, Akash. A write-up was made about Akash's stand-up. You do what you want when you pop in.

My first negative write-up. Welcome. You do what you want when you pop it. My first negative write-up. Welcome, my friend. You do what you want when you pop it, Akash. Welcome. So what was the context of this? Why did this happen? So Shouts to Bash, asshole, sent it to me. And I can send you the link right now.

I can text you the link. He said something about how I was on or something because an Indian girl with a white name hates me. And it's medium.com, so it's not some bullshit website. No, no, no, no, no. Medium, literally anyone could write on that. It's not like. Medium is like.

It's like a blog post. Yeah, it's like Twitter, but like. For long form writers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, fair enough. Okay, sorry. That makes it less fun. But the title.

Here goes another comedian who thinks sexism is funny by rebecca ansar answer ansar i don't know okay uh subtitle youtube why did you even suggest this for me hold on hold on hold on this is actually really good if you look at the top of her medium uh page these are the these are the topics that you can click on to see other things that she's written first one is feminism. Second one is relationships. What would a feminist know about that? Sexuality is the third one.

Women, self, poetry. Wow. Okay, continue. Then the article is about my joke, which is why Indian women are the craziest. And the idea of the joke is like in Hinduism, you cremate the body and then you spread the ashes in a river. And I said that's how crazy Indian women are the craziest. And the idea of the joke is like in Hinduism, you cremate the body and then you spread the ashes in a river. And I said, that's how crazy Indian women are. Like white people get buried

in these beautiful plots of land. And we were like, look, when I die, you just set me on fire and then get me as far away from this bitch as possible. Yeah. So anyway, this is a great example. I have lazy comedy that relies on toxic terms of sexism gets a pass.

Because I call the woman a bitch. I don't honestly know how the word bitch isn't hilarious. I don't like when fat people call other people lazy. Like, if you go back to the picture that she chose. Go to the picture she chose. Oh, no. Like, that picture right there. Oh, my gosh.

September 20th. That was a while ago. Fam, she got the Ursula outfit on. Oh, my gosh. There's no way. Tell that little mermaid son, yeah. She got the Ursula outfit on, and, you know, she's actually pretty girl. But, no, a lot of flow in that outfit

a lot of flow see I'm not gonna she's pretty she's a pretty girl she's a good looking girl but that being said you're not gonna call someone lazy

when you got the extra LB's right like we're not gonna do that that's just stupid go on that's a great example

of a lazy in this clip Singh describes an innumerable woman as so crazy blah blah blah, blah. He repeatedly uses the term bitch to describe the imaginary wife who's so terrible that she leaves her husband to take these extreme burial measures. Just out of curiosity.

I don't know how many times Akash has been today. Yeah, but just out of curiosity, like when you write this article, what do you think Akash is going to be calling you? Right? Like, when you're writing this article, do you think that he's going to be like, wow, this lady gave an interesting response to one of my bits? This powerful female. This powerful woman

gave a great reaction to one of my bits. No. This intersectional feminist. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, what's this bitch saying? Go. When critical thinkers speak up against things

like the derivative waste of time that Akash Singh calls his comedy routine, we were labeled as everything from the PC police to haters of free speech. No, I just call y'all fat bitches. If only we lived in a world where Akash Singh could walk a few miles in the shoes of the South Asian women serving as a material

for his jokes. Do you know why these fat chicks don't care about free speech? It's because they're busy chewing. I would say whatever I want to say, but I'd choke on this donut. Got 578 claps. Hey, man, honestly, I wasn't even mad at it. You shouldn't be.

And I've got the title. Here's another comedian who apparently thinks sexism is funny is true. I think sexism is hysterical. But she's upset that YouTube suggested it. Maybe YouTube knows you a crazy bitch. Maybe YouTube knows you better than you know yourself. Oh, man. Oh, my God. And you watch the whole thing. Maybe YouTube knows you better than you know yourself Oh man Oh my god

And you watched the whole thing So that's the other thing That's the other thing I don't realize I don't agree with these haters Like you watched the whole bit You got to the end of the bit Okay And you felt a certain way about the bit

So you might not admit you liked it But you liked it enough to watch the whole thing How long is the bit? A few minutes? Yeah a few minutes Okay It takes me two seconds to realize I don't like something. I click out.

I stop watching. Done. Okay? There are motherfuckers that did that already to this podcast. They not even listen right now. Yeah. Because they clicked out. You watched the whole fucking bit, and then you made an opinion on it.

You liked it. Whether you agree or not, you liked it. You made a choice to keep watching. You don't finish a meal that's disgusting to you. Right? That's true. One bite and I'm done. You don't finish a run if you're too exhausted to keep going.

You went through the whole fucking bit. You liked the bit. Okay? Yeah, I bet you. I just never understand people who do this. You left nothing on the plate. Who's that? Who's? I don't even want to drag her

Or hate on her or whatever I just found it funny Because I finally got a bad review I feel like I'm making it now Yeah bro You out there bro Should we listen to some poetry And review some of her art

Let's do that Let's go Go back up Go back up Okay To become her A poem Alex you want to read this

No I feel like I feel like you're A deep baritone voice You sing better than all of us. Hold on, hold on. Ready? Let's do it. Let's go.

Let's go. Go ahead, Alex. No, you got it. Alex, come on, motherfucker. I'll read it. I don't know yet. I don't yet know how to be her. Who it is that I see gazing back in the mirror.

I gasp. I gasp for air somewhere in the middle of an obdurate current. I wince from pain as the old is unraveled to- See, right here, I don't want to finish because I don't like it. I checked out. See, try to. I know. I know.

I'm done. Try to. I can't finish. See that? Hit X. Yeah, yeah, yeah. that hit X yeah yeah yeah just hit X but look

see how hard that was but look look we're not gonna review your shit because we didn't get through it that's the review if you review you had to get through it yeah I did

nah that shit was still trash but I'm saying like I'm not gonna spend extra time like you know maybe we're being judgy these people who spend extra time on something that they didn't like

are fighting with the feeling they have inside that they did like it, and they don't like that they liked it. Because think about it. You have to sustain that awful feeling. If the comedy was so bad and made you feel so awful and you thought it was so wrong, you would just remove yourself from it. If you cold outside, you put on a jacket you don't sit in the cold and write a blog about how fucking freezing it is you like that chilly feeling you like it on some level you like it but you hate the fact that you

know that you have these like uh you know this certain type of morality that you've decided to have you chosen to have and it's not congruent with this comedy that you also enjoy when a motherfucker writes a scathing review i know they like it you're arguing with yourself you argue with yourself you know are you and me that's like when you defend yourself in a argument it's because you kind of know you're wrong a little bit bro son there's a great fucking oh god i gotta get it and this bitch wrote a blog because Akash was speaking to her. Yo. Yo, Max.

She was speaking to her. Probably has an ex-boyfriend who's like broke up with her because she's crazy. It's like, oh, I hate these fucking, these call me crazy. Let me tell you something. You ain't writing poems if you ain't gotten dumped. Oh, absolutely. Oh, yeah. I mean, anybody wrote writing poems from happiness and good experiences.

Bro, there's a line I'm gonna get the line Except F.A. But F.A. These birds in the sky Water drips drip drip

drip drip Hold on Nah I gotta get Hey we should do a numbers out Oh yeah You should do a numbers out yeah You should do a numbers Okay

I know that fucking medium Ain't doing no fucking numbers Like God damn What was the hottest shit Boyfriends lose arguments The heckler video Oh yeah that's what I was gonna do

I'm gonna repost that I'm gonna redo that Yeah we're gonna fix that Then the boyfriends joint Oh the clip she hates 315,000 views. That's what's up. I hope she got me another 518.

She definitely did. I want to find this fucking... You guys keep talking. I'm going to find this shit. What are we looking for? I'm looking for this... Andrew got a write-up. I'm sure.

No, no, no. I'm looking for a quote that describes this. So you know what I was watching? I was watching fucking an A&E special on Bring the Pain by Chris Rock yesterday, right? And it had like all these fucking cultural commentators

talking about like how much it meant to comedy back then. I think like Charlamagne was on it, Ava DuVernay, fucking Hannibal Buress, Wanda Sykes,

all this other shit. Ava would have hated Bring the Pain if it came out today. That's what made it so fucking juicy because I'm like, I'm watching it, right?

And she's like, oh, you know, the good thing about some comedies is that you watch it and there's an audible gasp. And you go, because it's like you laugh, but you cringe. Because you know it's not something you're supposed to laugh at. And I'm like, Ava, Bring the Pain came out today. You would hate it. Dog, he talks about shaking women instead of hitting them. We talk about, he said, I don't think OJ should have killed her.

But I understand. Like, come on, son. You can't even say that now. You can't even say that now. And they're doing a 20-year retrospective on this shit with all these, like, astutes. Black people versus N-words. You know how toxic ladies are toxic? Yeah, toxic people would call that.

It was such a fucking great time. If you got fucking Verizon or A&E on demand, go look it up. Because, like, Chris Rock, he has a bit. He was with Andrew Dice Clay. And he's like, oh, I'm writing my HBO special. Whatever. And Andrew Dice Clay told him to watch Rocky, right? Told him to watch Rocky.

He's like, yo, you don't look excited. He's like, yo, go watch Rocky. You go ahead and watch Rocky. You'll remember why he got into us. And he goes and he watch Rocky. He's like, yo, you don't look excited. He's like, yo, go watch Rocky. You go ahead and watch Rocky. You remember why he got into us. And he goes and he watches Rocky and, you know, getting from the dirt, yada, yada, yada. And then, boom, obviously bring the pain. Fucking classic culture-defining stand-up

comedy. Changed comedy. Ever. Ever, right? But it's great to see, like, this is why I don't understand people who write hit pieces about comedy, because history write hit pieces about comedy. Because history is never kind to you. Like, even if you're 1,000% right, even if what you say or feel, like, is valid, history is never kind to you. Because in retrospect, we only remember the good that comedy brings.

We always bring, oh, wow, this person was so brave, touching on these subjects, saying that, saying this, y bring, oh wow, this person was so brave touching on these subjects, saying that, saying this, yada, yada, yada. Nobody's ever written a hit piece on some comedian and it was like, wow,

we are so glad we got this comedian out of here. In 50 years, a lot more people, I guess 20 years, a lot more people talk about Buseman's cyst

than people who hated Buseman's cyst. In 10 years, motherfuckers are going to talk about Flickr too. When they were just like, yo man, when shit was fucking rough out here,

they was over here going in. You know what I'm saying? That was a movement. That was a moment in time that happened that a lot of people aren't touching on. History will not be kind to you. So I don't understand why you, like, I'm not a comedian. I don't begrudge this girl. I even think about editing her name because I don't want her to think I care about her that much.

Uh-huh. Man, fuck that fat bitch. Wow. Wow. All right. Hey, care about her that much. Uh-huh. But. Man, fuck that fat bitch. Wow. Wow. All right. Hey, man. Good looking out. I appreciate that.

I personally, I don't hate her. I just know what this is. This is a girl who went to college and thought she figured out the world and as you grow up

in the real world and you realize and you get out of your college bubble, you're going to be like, oh, none of this shit matters. Son, I got it. What is it?

Mimi at the corner of the park. I wish that was all you had, yo. That would have been so good. No, I got it. You were just like signing contracts. Okay, ready? I'm going to say it in Latin because that shit goes way back. That's how motherfuckers knew back in the day.

Okay. shit goes way back that's how motherfuckers knew back in the day okay um excusatio non petita accusatio manifesta and that means uh he who excuses himself accuses himself in other words don't explain you don't got to explain for yourself you just fucking do because if you're explaining what did uh br just fucking do Because if you're explaining What did Brady say? You're losing You're explaining, you're losing If you're explaining, you're opening the door for them

If you're explaining, you're like Oh, come on in Come on in, because here's the fuck shit If you act with zero bad intention They gotta put intention on you And you gotta be like Nah, I didn't mean that at all I don't gotta apologize for shit

We out here having fun We out here doing jokes You know? Anyway, I think that applies to you definitely implies and that fucking hungry hungry hippopotamus dude do you think when she's writing do you think like she's just like typing away these men ain't shit these men these men ain't shit These men are These men ain't shit I swear to God Why are you calling these women What's their face slamming into

Is it a plate of fucking pork Oh god She has a fucking KFC bucket Oh boy She has a fucking KFC bucket. Oh, boy. It's funny because she's fat and wrong. What the fuck is intersectional feminism? Intersectional feminism acknowledges that women,

that it's not just gender, that there are other things that play into our experiences. For example, race, age, religion, all these other things that could also imply, not even imply, add to or take away from their experience. So a white feminist might be dealing with different things than a black feminist, et cetera. So it's saying, hey, look, I'm a feminist, but I'm going to pretend to care about your shit too.

No, it's saying, I'm a feminist, but I've had to struggle even more. But here's the problem with intersectional theory is that it only applies to the negative shit that you went through in your life for example they don't evenly apply it like i'm a brown woman and also a feminist and also this religion and that's why blah blah blah but they'll never go but i've had two parents who are educated and have given me the best possible life, and a two-parent household is the best possible thing for success. It's only here are the things that have held me back, not here are the things that have pushed me forward. You have enough free time to blog because you're in an amazing situation.

situation. Yes. Right? That intersectional brown feminist that's working three jobs doesn't have a blog. Right. Because she grew up in poverty, had children young, and she has to have three jobs to keep those children alive and fed. Yeah. If you can write a blog about an issue, you're probably in pretty good shape.

Yes. Intersectional feminist is, I'm not white, and I'm a feminist. Okay. That's literally what it is. Everybody needs... It's just women pulling each other apart like they can't just agree on even being a woman or being women like in that the baseline shit that you should just come together on and spec all right let's just agree on this yeah you know like this is why black feminism and white feminism don't get along at all son how can they not just

look at sports and be like oh shit every sunday they just agree on one thing throughout the rest of the week they don't agree but one every sunday they come together like all right we're all gonna wear this color we're all gonna support this team we don't give a fuck what's going on the team we don't give a fuck nobody shows up to the game like well the amount of hours i had to work this week to be a browns fan is a lot more than you therefore i deserve it's just like do we want the browns to win yes i live so much further from the stadium I had to work so much harder to get these tickets. We should do the

intersectional football fan intersectional tailgate that's what we should do and just have that same bullshit principle We should really eat hot dogs because hot dogs

are important I'm already malnourished because of the horrible food decisions that we have in these impoverished neighborhoods we are forced to live in

Dog pound is actually a bit triggering to people who work at animal shelters. So I really think the fans should, you guys, this section should just consider. Eat the brat, bitch. The goddamn bratwurst. Oh, we have to do it. We have to ask intersectional feminists their feelings on sports and how we can be intersectional about our sports. How do we, more intersectional about rooting for our sports teams? The Giants.

I mean, how do dwarves and how do other small people feel about that? You know what I mean? How do these people that are afflicted by a lack of height feel supporting a team that is so prejudiced to those who do not have what these players do? It's disrespectful. supporting a team that is so prejudiced to those who do not have what these players do. I know. It's disrespectful. Cowboys is triggering to the Native American population. You're in, well, no.

I mean. Yeah, and what they wanted to be the Native American population. Yes, this is true. That is incredibly triggering. They weren't too far west, and now they just, you know, it's IQ. The Jets. People who can't afford plane tickets. Dude, do you know how much, do you know the carbon?

This year, yeah. But seriously, the carbon footprint of a jumbo jet, do you know what that does to the environment? I mean, you think you want to be pro-green. Their jerseys are green, but you're destroying all the greenery with these jets that are flying all over, just ruining the environment, ruining the Amazon. Gosh. It's disgusting.

The Packers. The Packers. Think about the gay people. How do they feel about that? I'm a heterosexual man. Yeah. Like, I got to go root for a team that's packing? Packing.

Mm-mm. I don't like that. Real talk. You got all these uncircumcised dicks with that cheese all in the front of it. You're just packing cheese every single day. This is disgusting. Every fucking Sunday. That's what the cheese head is?

That's what the cheese head is. The cheese head on your uncircumcised, smegma-filled dick. The 49ers. 49. How many cocks do you have to suck in a night, gay guys? We understand you're in San Francisco, but you don't got to take down 49 every fucking Saturday. Okay? Jeez.

San Diego, the Chargers. We get the Mexicans are charging the border, but that doesn't mean you have to name the team after them. It's racism. Blatant racism. Miami. Dolphins. The Dolphins. I don't know. Dolphins rape. Did you know that? Dolphins rape. Dolphins. The dolphins? Yeah.

I don't know. Dolphins rape. Did you know that? Dolphins rape. Dolphins are rapists. Dolphins are rapists, yeah. Dolphins not only rape, that's what the Cubans are sneaking over in on fucking dolphins. Dolphins are one of the only animal species that, like, use sex as a weapon of force.

But they get pleasure, too. And they get pleasure. Something like that. They just take the pleasure. Dolphins are rapers. Dolphins are fucking rapers, dude. Dolphins rape. I mean, this is... More. Give us more teams.

The New England Patriots. I just think it ignores the oppression of American politics. American politics. Like, how can we be patriotic when we live in such a patriarchal society?

Society. It's disgusting. What about the sister-gar-cle? Yeah, what about the matriarchal? Matriarch, yeah What about the sister-gar-cle? Yeah, what about the matriarchal? Matriarch, yeah. It's sister-gar-cle too. Sister act three, whatever you want to call it.

Where's Whoopi? You know? I mean, come on. Give us more teeth. The Seattle Seahawks. A Seattle Seahawk. What about the B-Hawk? What do Seahawks feed on?

What do they feed on? Fish? And the oceans are already So depleted Decimated Decimated By those fucking Japanese Eating up all the

God damn sushi Every single night Okay You think that we Bomb them They've been bombing The oceans For fucking years

Okay I mean it's disgusting What other ones Pittsburgh Steelers man Doesn't leave a good Carbon footprint On the environment Dude not only They should go green What other ones? Pittsburgh Steelers, man. Doesn't leave a good carbon footprint on the environment. Dude, not only- They should go green.

They should be the Pittsburgh Greeners. They should be the Pittsburgh Recyclers. The Pittsburgh Recyclers. That steel industry just destroyed- Destroys lives. Destroyed lives. Destroyed communities. Okay?

I mean, where's Erin Brockovich when you need her? You know? What else? Who else do we have? Let's go through them all. I feel like we're running out of teams. What? Carolina Panthers.

Oh, Carolina Panthers. Okay. Yeah, sure. You care about Black Panthers. You got a white running back. That's some fucking bullshit if you ask me. You didn't let Diddy buy the team. No, you didn't.

Did not. Doesn't like that shit. What else? Who else we got? Buffalo? Then you're all in Saints. That's religious. Oh, my God.

What if people don't believe in Catholicism? What if they don't believe in Christianity? I don't think I can identify as a Saints fan. So what are you supposed to do? You're supposed to just choose another team? You didn't get chosen to be raised in New Orleans. Yeah. Look at what the white man thinks a Viking looks like.

So disrespectful. Disrespectful. They should have red hair. Come on. The Oakland Raiders. What are they raiding? That's triggering. white man thinks a Viking looks like. So disrespectful. They should have red hair. The Oakland Raiders. What are they raiding? That's triggering. The fact that white people have raided Oakland and completely gentrified it

and now you're going to have the football team there as a sign, a beacon, a image that we cannot look past. I mean, you might as well put up all those Southern generals,

you know, on all the top. And now you're leaving, just like white flight. Just like white people. Oh my God. I mean, this is just,

the Los Angeles Rams. Hasn't there been enough Me Too in Los Angeles? And now you got just guys ramming their jocks inside these girls for all these roles, and you're going to put a fucking image of that, image of that for these poor girls to see?

The Denver Broncos, I still think OJ did it. So to keep watching football, have to be reminded of a white Bronco every fucking game? It's disgusting. It's true. Atlanta Falcons, okay? You have a black gay community, and if you look at the image of the Falcon,

the wrist is just broken. It's hanging there broken, like he's asking you if you want another biscotti on a Delta flight, okay? What is happening out here? It's an insult. It is an insult. The Arizona Cardinals.

I got nothing. Got me there, buddy. I got nothing. Whatever. You know what I mean. Fuck them. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers. I mean.

The Buccaneers. All the horrible things pirates have done throughout history. I just cannot. Rape and pillage. I just cannot. I just can't. All the Buccaneers did was rape and fucking pillage. Chicago Bears.

Will you look at that fucking, will you look at that logo? Doesn't that seem like, look, go back to the Chicago Bears, please. Stop fucking this up. Can you go back? Stop fucking this up. Holy shit, Evan. Just fucking stop. Chicago Bears. go back stop fucking this up holy shit just fucking stop chicago bears we all know that a bear is a is a big homosexual we know that right and that is what your colon looks like after one of

them has been inside you ruptured do you see that it is a circle that has been ruptured by some big ass gay guy named phil okay And he filled your fucking asshole, full of that dick, and ruptured it. I mean, goodness gracious. Cleveland Browns? That's offensive to me. I'm offended. My culture is not a costume, okay?

I thought that's his. Y'all can't even decide which culture it is. You can't even decide no more, bro. You see? Point is, we need a little bit more intersectionality in sports because clearly it makes sports fun and it makes it an activity that we all want to tune into. Intersectionality is fun, I think, is the lesson here. I think it is.

I think it is. If you want to inject fun, you know that's why they make the best entertainment critics because what's more entertaining than intersectionality? Oh, my God. You got it. What's more fun? I don't know. Than pointing out the problems with. What's more fun? I don't know.

Than pointing out the problems with every single thing on earth? I do not know. I do not know. I do not know. Isn't it funny? These guys always tend to be the guys who are like, I just want to be positive. I just want to always preach positivity. And then you find flaws with every fucking thing you come across?

Yeah. Why can't they be HIV positive? Wouldn't that make things so much easier? Wouldn't it make it easier? They'll only be doing those medium articles for another 10 years. No, you can live with that shit now. Oh, gosh.

Yeah, no, you just get your living. When it gets like this, my age just pop up. Okay, what else we got? Because we got to get out of here soon. What do we got? Anything else we need? The Brazilian president. Terrell probably getting stabbed by a hot chick.

Terrell probably getting stabbed by a cutie. But didn't he also have an assault case with her? Yeah, so apparently he was putting hands on her a lot, and she was just like, fuck it. I knew it, man. I knew it. When she was smirking like that in that mugshot, that was a mugshot of, I had enough.

That was a Madea mugshot. That's the end of Madea. That's a J-Lo movie, son. Once I saw that smirk, I'm like, he had it coming. Look at that. Isn't she cute? Oh, she's fine. She's a little cutie.

That's the thing I don't understand about... Look at Alex. Gotta pretend he's interested. Like you like brown women. No, but think about this. The thing I don't understand about hitting women, right, is that you're ruining your investment. Right?

And it's the same thing with slaves, too. It's like you see all these slave movies where they're beating the shit out of the slaves. They're, like, scarring the slaves. They're doing all these things to the slave. And it's like, why would you treat... It's poor management. It's horrible management.

Why would you do that to the thing that you need? You should have let everybody sleep in the big house. Son, you want productivity. They can't be productive. They can't bend over, right? And they can't pick shit up. You think there was, like, a Google slave master that was just like treating slaves super well

and then the output was crazy? I honestly, it seems like a more effective way to do it. Right? Like, think about it. Think about it. I really don't like to think about it. Y'all were over there. You didn't have to. You guys sold them all.

I was first generation. No, but do you understand what I'm saying? It just didn't have to. You guys sold them all. I didn't have to. I was first generation. No, but do you understand what I'm saying? It just doesn't make sense. So this girl that you're going to spend all this time with, this girl you're going to want to love

and live with, et cetera, that you want to find physically attractive, you're actively making her less physically attractive? It makes no sense. Let me tell you something right now.

Please. What's today? December 2nd? Yes. By December 2nd, 2020, she's going to have a VH1 show. Guaranteed. She's going to have a VH1 show. I'm looking at all the pictures.

She deserves one, yo. I'm looking at how she is. She got the smirking mug shot. She fine with Andrea. I guarantee. Wow, Andrea fine. I guarantee she will be on VH1 with Shaq's wife and all the other bitches' wives on that show. I can't find her IG.

Yo, she's cute, man. Oh, she's cute. She's like, yeah, I did it. And I think if you click the story, I think one of her friends said we should have just left them to die. Well, they called the cops? Yeah. They called the whatever? Let me see if I can read this.

Well, they called the cops? Yeah. Let me see if I can read this. According to court docs, a female witness who told police prior was the aggressor and had been waiting for Brinson after she went clubbing with friends. Cops say one of the witnesses was overheard saying Brinson was just defending herself and added, we should have just let him die. Let me ask you, women, why are you still dating NFL players? It is a great question dude. It's like, why do you go skydiving? Like it might be fun, but

chances of you making it skydiving are way better than you not getting hit by an NFL player. At what point, like where are we at with NFL players abusing? What percentage are we at? It seems pretty high. Are we at 30? I want to say.

It's not 30, but it's a high enough percent you should think about the shit. Here's the thing. I still think it's relatively low just because there's more people on the NFL roster, so it may seem like a lot. I would guess 10. As far as they are. I would guess 10%. 10% is what we know of.

That's what we know. 10% of what we know of. What do you think it really is, NFL players who hit their watch? So my guess, I feel like we know about like 5%. Because like you said, there's 22 players on a team, 30 teams. That's 650 players on a team, 660 players on a team, whatever it is. All right, that's a lot. And we hear about 10 of these cases a year.

One is a lot. But I'm assuming there's 10% because I'm also accounting for the stuff we don't know of. But if you went skydiving and had a 10% chance of dying, would you go? I'm not doing it. I'm not even, bro. Dude, it is mind-boggling. And also, there's another thing that's very important. Even when you talk to NFL players, and we've all spoken to NFL players, most NFL players,

and they'll tell me this, are fucking retarded. Yeah. They're dealing with the dumbest athletes. Yeah. Some of them can't even fucking read. Yeah. D're dealing with the dumbest athletes. Yeah. Like some of them can't even fucking read. Yeah. Dumb, dumb, dumb. Okay?

So you have the dumbest of the dumb and they're gonna hit you. You're a fine girl. You can get a guy that's got some money. You're even better off with a drug dealer.

Realistically speaking. It's almost like taking a charge on an NBA team. What do you mean? Being in a relationship with an NFL player? It's like you're going to get hurt. You might get hurt, but, you know, long run.

Take him on for the team. It helps the team out eventually. You get paid. Nah, man. If you date an NFL player and some shit goes down, it's like, I don't know. There was a lot of signs on the way. Like you should have known. On a smaller, less, like, I don't know. There was a lot of signs on the way. Like you should have known. On a smaller, less like whatever devastating scale.

Like when a woman dates an athlete or a rock star and they cheat on her and I'm supposed to feel bad for her. I'm like, what the fuck did you think was going to happen? Yeah. How often does this work out? It's like joining ISIS. It's like joining ISIS. Like something bad is going to fucking happen.

There's no way this ends well. No way. If you expect this to be he's faithful or monogamous or whatever the fuck you think this is going to be. The nicest, most clean cut NFL player is on record saying, if you're explaining, you're losing. These are the alpha males of the world. But think about that. Yeah. That's the nicest NFL player that you could ever have.

And he won't even argue. And he says that to his wife, who's richer than him. Who's richer than him. So he ain't even discussing it. So now you have some dumbass defensive lineman who's got an IQ of 40. You think he's going to sit down and talk it out? And brain damage. He's going to hear you say, did you say hike?

Tackle time! Tackle time. Tackle time. You're dealing with literal retards, ladies. You can do better. Oh, she will. That mugshot's going to get around. That mugshot's going to get around. She will.

She'll be just fine. Ladies need to go after baseball players. Son, baseball. That's the move, yo. They're not real athletes, so they're not getting pussy. They fucking blend in. But they get real athlete money, so they get real athlete money. They don't, they aren't athletic enough to whoop your ass good.

You know what I mean? They're gonna whoop your ass like like someone with like a regular job. Like a mechanic ass whooping. Like a mechanic ass whooping. You're not getting an NFL ass whooping. You're a mechanic ass whooping with some millions of dollars attached to it. You probably take that. You know what I mean?

You get blindsided by a PN, bro? It is a wrap for you. Yeah, these are killers, dog. These little players blend in with society a lot better, too. Bro. Like, motherfucking Bryce Harper could walk in right now. I don't know, maybe. You'd never know who the fuck he is, dude.

Who the fuck he is. He's not going to have the same ego that the NFL players do. They all wear hats, so you know people are always different with hats off and on. Son, go get yourself a baseball player. A golfer. Get yourself a golfer, dude. Golf is the fucking way. Golf is the best.

This guy, he got mad free time. Yo. My man got time, yo. You're in great weather all the time. You're not fucking practicing in snow. Ain't no snow golf tournaments. Oh, my God. You come with him on the road.

If you're with a comic, like if you're with me, like my girl, I can't take her in every city. She don't want to go to fucking Cleveland while I'm at Hilarity's. Yes.

You want to go to Pebble Beach? You date fucking Lori. No matter how successful of a comic you date, there's some cities where she's just going to be like, nah, we're not going. Golf is constant resorts.

Resorts. Fucking beautiful weather. Palm trees everywhere. It's like being on The Bachelor. Oh my, it is. Golf is constant resorts. Fucking beautiful weather. Palm trees everywhere. It's like being on The Bachelor. Oh my, it is. Every night is a different- And you got shows. You got shows.

The Rose is for you. How could they not be smarter? How could they not pick better? It's mind-boggling to me. Go to the country club. Sneak into the country club. Not only will they not beat you up, you could fuck them up.

You could fuck them up. Tiger Woods' nanny- He ran away from' nanny. He ran away from his nanny, bro. Bro, she took a golf club to him. Malfoy took three years to get his swing back after that shit, bro. Real talk, bro. It took a minute. Yo, this is a no-brainer, ladies.

Any assholes that are listening, lady assholes, go out for baseball. Go out for golf, okay? Get the 9-iron from the golfer. Exactly. And I know you think we're saying Caucasian sports. No, don't go after hockey players. They are white football players. They're going to beat your fucking ass.

Don't do it. Rugby, out. Out. Simple as that. I'm trying to think of sports where they won't beat you. MMA, out. MMA, out. What are sports where they won't beat you?

Golf. Tennis. Tennis. Tennis players. Oh, my God. Tennis players low-key get bad bitches. They get bad bitches. Everybody knows them.

They respect them. That's it. It's a warm weather sport. Warm weather sport. Play outside. Do it. Don't go to shit that they're going to beat you at. Darts, they will beat your fucking ass. Darts is just practice for beating your ass.

They're just like, huh. Yeah, but that ain't a devastating hit. That's like- Son of them. Darts is good, though. Curling through. They get a little fucking judge mallet at the end. Hear ye, hear ye. Stop going out so late.

Curling. You don't want to get a curler. Because you're sweeping like, see, this bitch ain't that hard, motherfucker. Sweeping this shit down. Why can't you do this shit sometimes, god damn it? Yo, you think a woman gets abused by a curler when she's cleaning up?

This shit is all wrong! Stupid bitch! Living up streaks, goddammit! Your fart sucks! I can do fucking everything! What a soccer player. You bump them, they just hit the ground and grab it and go to shit.

Exactly, bro. Yo, they soft. Soccer players are soft. Yo, soccer players. Ladies, we just mapped it out for you. If you fuck up from now on, you fucked up from now on, okay? You got to stop dating the retard athletes. And there's a few of them.

Just don't do it. It's too risky, okay? Football, rugby, hockey, MMA, boxing. Curling. Curling is just tough because they're better at the woman shit that you're supposed to be good at. Okay? What else? That's it.

That's it. MMA and boxing. Yeah, we said it. It's pretty much it. You just stay away from those sports. You're good. If you don't stay away from those sports, you have to understand you will get your ass beat. It ain't worth the risk. Risk

ain't worth the reward. Flagrant 2, thank you so much for listening. We'll see you all Friday. Keep it tight. Outro Music