Andrew Schulz's Flagrant with Akaash Singh - Teach Me How To Lonely

Episode Date: April 24, 2020

This week Andrew, Akaash, AlexxMedia and Mark discuss going out to the bar during quarantine, Tom Brady and Gonk, Trump's curing for Corona, how Crymsom Rose is the MVP of the NFL draft and more. INDULGE! Want a new episode every week? Become a Patron! www.Patreon.com/FLAGRANT2

I went out I had a drink last night I went to a bar I went to a bar We can't be stopped now Cause it's bad boys for life We ain't COVID nowhere We ain't COVID no We can't be stopped now Have a drink Tell us more about your rebellion Andrew Son I'm a rebel

I got no cause What a rebel yo I'm a fucking rebel Son what'd you do last night Get yelled at You know what I mean Pussy ass yo that's another thing about i gotta call y'all out for being pussy wait i came through with a fuck y'all need

to believe in your girls more y'all need to believe in your girls don't even mention this i sent a tiktok challenge to all y'all i said you and your girl battle us. Guys, this is me and my girl battled in this TikTok dance. Yo, all y'all got scared, son. Y'all could, Mark on my back. No,

I was busy. I was busy. Yeah, he's busy not being a loser doing TikTok videos. Getting my dick sucked, bro. You're looking at TikTok

more than anybody. Son, but I'm not on this. You're not doing it because there's only kids on there. I'm looking at the kids. Ow. That was your fucking excuse? Yeah. I don't have time. I'm dragging on. I'm looking at the kids. Ow. That was your fucking excuse?

I don't have time. I'm looking at the kids. I'm a pedophile. I can't pedophile and dance at the same time. That's crazy. That's too obvious. Why were y'all scared to do the TikTok challenge with the dance?

Son, you were just calling out Drake for being so stupid for making a TikTok song. And now you're on TikTok. Son, come on. We ain't I look at the Go nowhere We ain't Go nowhere

We can't be stopped now Bad boy for life TikTok for life Let's go Y'all can't fuck with me bro They need to open outside What you giggling about over there Akash? Stop being scared and put your fucking dance moves on the giggling about over there Akash stop being scared

and put your fucking dance moves on the line you know how much Akash loves dancing first night I took him out to meet my friends

he went to the corner of the fucking bar was practicing the Dougie by himself I had to explain that shit

I had to explain that shit oh my god yo what are you doing in the bar I'm fucking okay

you didn't say no wait a minute wait a minute we gotta stop this whole story this kid's a loser bro oh my god this kid's a loser, bro. This kid's a fucking loser. I got you. You got to answer for that. I just thought he was the biggest loser for doing this fucking TikTok. I'll answer for it.

Who wants to learn how to Dougie right now? Listen. Who taught you how to Dougie? Oh, now you a dance master? Now you a dance master, but you can't do one TikTok dance with your girl? I'm not doing no fucking challenge. That's what I'm talking about. Because you know you're going to lose.

Because you'll know these y'all are going to get bodied by people with better rhythm. It's really what it comes down to. Oh, my God. It's really what it comes down to. It's really what it comes down to. They got to open up. But can we go back? Can we go back to?

This is the Hokey Pokey 2.0. Son, I do the Hokey Pokey and I turn it all around. You turn yourself around. I do the fucking Hokey Pokey and I turn myself around. It's a foot Hokey Pokey. Hey, hey, hey, bro. Hey, bro. Hey, bro.

Pick a dance. Any dance. Hey, bro. Pick a dance at a time. Dougie. Do you want a Dougie battle? Do you want a Dougie battle? Dougie battle. Let's go. Do you want a Dougie battle? How you saying who talking to your Dougie? Do you want a Dougie battle? Do you want a Dougie battle? Dougie battle

Let's go Do you want a Dougie battle? How you saying Who talking to your Dougie? Do you want a Dougie battle? I'm going to be honest My hip hurts a little bit I went jogging yesterday

Oh Oh Copping pleas over here Copping pleas Copping pleas over here Copping pleas over here Also the oldest plea ever Bro

My hip My hip Oh come on I told him this in the car Did you fall You couldn't get up? It's embarrassing. I ran three miles in my body. Ain't nobody care about your shit.

I told him this in the car. Ain't nobody care about your shit right now. But I did tell you in the car. You didn't tell me nothing in the car. Oh, no. Why are you making shit up, son? Why are you making shit up? Let me guess. Your girl also hurt her hip? Did she also hurt her hip? shit up, son? Why are you making shit up? Why are you acting like you're guilty? Let me guess, your girl also hurt her hip?

Does she also hurt her hip? No, no, no. Come on, son. My hip killing me. Y'all got nothing to do with the house, and a challenge was presented to you, and you bowed out. Son, how was that ride? Was it just like an hour of Akash saying how right his girl was?

Son, did he do that on camera or off camera? No, that was on camera. Oh my God, son. Wait, can we talk about this? did he do that on camera or off camera no that was on camera oh my god son wait can we talk about this can we talk about the worst story you ever told in your fucking life

holy shit this shit was I mean we can edit this shit later you know what I mean son son I'm not even gonna tell the story

no detail we're not even gonna give no detail our guys had the four of us here in a safe space. Yeah. It was a safe space. And our guys tried to tell a story about how right his girl was.

It's the only place I can say it. I can't say it to her. You do say it to her. Nah, bro. Son. I got to hold on to that shit. I got to hold on to it. This shit baffled my mind.

He was like, yeah, my girl actually made this great point. And I was like, huh? And then I looked over at Al Al looking at me and I was like I don't know what's going on we're looking over at Mark Mark's putting Bengay

on his back we know everybody's losing their shit right and then I got to finish a fucking story about how right

his girl was oh my god I was baffled my girl made a great point and then I immediately started looking at Al. Son, what is going, you need to look

at some conspiracy. That's the conspiracy. Bro, why'd you, why'd you have to tell the story, bro? Exactly. I had to get out somewhere, yo. You could have done with your story what you did with the dance move,

just in the corner alone. It would have been fine. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh yeah we got off that story So I should call Jamil To see if he remembers this shit Yeah

So I take So I go You want to hang out With regular people Because when you hang out With comics too much It just warps your You know

Sense of reality A lot You know what I mean like oh yeah it does so you need to hang out with some regular people every once in a while to like just remember shit you know regular people don't do this when you say something funny hysterical this was like hanging around with comics right you say a joke they go hilarious that's funny you say you say anything back yeah no i i had a thought about that i had a bit actually it was just like that that's all so you need to just go hang out with regular people right i tell our guys come hang out with

me and my regular people right we go to this bar lower east side you remember it i remember i remember that's where i learned how to dougie right i remember that bar mercury bar mercury bar mercury lounge bar is a landmark day for me right we're hanging out at mercury lounge right we're more we're more we're more in the bar than the lounge to be honest with you yeah it was it was whatever it was more in the bar area in the lounge area now yeah i go to get a what where's jameel and all them there's a pool table i don't know i'm in the bar area Than the lounge area Where's Jameel and all them? There's a pool table in the back? I don't know, I'm in the corner Akash just went to the corner

I go over to Jameel I go yeah what up blah blah blah Nah I brought my boy Akash over here I'm telling you this kid is cool, he's funny man He's fucking regular He's not like these weirdo ass comics That you just can't have them come hang out everywhere every anytime like he's not one of those dudes just fucking embarrass you or like socially awkward you know just being a complete

weirdo clammy ass hands and shit anything like that this guy's actually normal jamil's like where's he at i don't know i don't know where that motherfucker is We just take a couple We just take a couple sips of beer And then Jamil nudges me He goes Yo look at this fucking loser In the corner I go what

He goes There's some fucking weirdo That's doing the Dougie By himself In the corner of the bar Ay Ay That's it

I was like Wait then you gotta It's a shoulder move Wait but Are you Are you like watching a YouTube video while I'm doing it too

nah I'm just trying to figure it out man you just trying to figure it out by yourself he was practicing like he was at his point you look total reton son

the song wasn't even wrong there don't need to be music for me to figure out a dance move yes there's us son the song wasn't even wrong the lyrics of the song are literally

teach me how to dougie like you could have just said that but they don't give the steps like you think they would son you think they'd be like teach me how to dougie. But they don't give the steps like you think they would. You think they'd be like, teach me how to dougie, and the next verse, it'd be like,

well, it's all about the shoulder rotation, really. It's a fluid body movement that you have to really be aware of. It's not like I thought it was. I was disappointed in the song's lyrics. He needed a Drake version of the dougie. I needed a Drake version. Right?

Yo, he didn't teach me how to tootsie. You know what I mean? And can I be honest with you? His shit was so trash, I actually had to give him some advice on how to do the Dougie right. Oh, shit. His shit was so bad.

I came over, I was like, yo, yo, chill. I sort of got to kill you right now. I said, look. Now we're slandering. Now we're slandering. I came over, I said, look, here's the thing you're doing wrong. You got to think of it like a scoop.

Like you're scooping. And then you scoop. And then you scoop. And then when I taught him the scoop, he actually started to put that shit together. Wow. Yeah. Y'all seen the video of me at the fucking finals party? What video?

I built that shit. There's a video of me somewhere at the flagrant finals party. Oh, yeah. I remember. Why couldn't you do the tic-tac? Tic-tac. Why couldn't you do the tic tac tic tac why couldn't you do the tic tac just kicking feet yo say what that shit is just kicking feet so that shit was

mad difficult the one that i did that i showed you guys that you guys got scared with don't do that again please yo son it's an upgrade it's like it's nothing but a house party difficult son i'm telling y'all can't do it. It's the first time I've faced palm and just like, no, this is not what it's come to. Nah, son. You and your girl

not doing nothing. You and your girl not doing nothing. I'm trying to give you guys some fucking activities to do with the competition. I can't fuck anymore. I can't either. I got a bad hip.

I can't either. When was the last time you fucked? Last week. Exactly. When was the last time you fucked last week exactly when was the last time you fucked two days ago I think I'm at two days

my girl already asking again I'm like it's too much you treat fucking like a fucking cold case file you're like first 48 hours

it's already done dude for real, man. Yo, what was that Francis Ellis tweet about quarantine? Oh, so good. It's one of the funniest tweets I've ever read. Let me see if I can find it. It looks so good. Oh, man.

You want to... I still can't get over this motherfucker doing a Dougie in the corner. First night he meets my friends. I'm going to teach you how to Dougie though. How long ago was this? How long ago? Say it again. How long ago was this?

I don't know. How long? Decades. I don't know. 10 years or something like that? Decades. This was a decade ago? Did I know you 10 years? Something like that.

I think over. Something like 10 years. Unbelievable. You're not watching nothing. Unbelievable. There's no music. No, this music is just not the Dougie. He's by himself Dougie.

You see people doing it. Everybody's just looking at it. What's going on with this guy? He has to look like a full tard in there. He's right next to a pool table. Motherfuckers are walking up to him like, yo, did you have necks? He's like, no, I'm just dancing.

No, you guys got your spaces. Bro, unbelievable. Unbelievable. How do I describe this to my friends? You know what was eight ball corner pocket? My motherfucking Dougie, though. Tell you what. That shit was eight ball corner pocket.

What else we talking about? That's the challenge, motherf pocket what else we need to start just go you want to read this francis tweet your delivery on it when you read to me is very funny yo francis ellis with a fucking great tweet the discrepancy between how much sex i thought we would have and how much we're actually having reminds me of a christmas where i told my grandma i wanted a lego millenn Millennium Falcon and she died instead. Oh, that's good. Yo, gang, now I'm jealous, yo.

Yo, why you mad jealous? Yo, type in notes, bro. I'm mad jealous, bro. I'm typing notes. That was a real comic-ass way to look at it. He's like, nah, that's funny.

That's funny. I mean, yeah. I got a bit about that. Before Corona, we were in another quarantine. I thought, you know, it'd be just like. Yo, comics are some haters, bro. Yeah. Why are we haters, bro?

Mark, why you be mad when other people funny, son? Bro, I'm not, bro. Francis, I mean, I did have a thing like that, though. It wasn't Millennial Falcon. It was a different Lego set, but it was like basically the same thing. What fucking soccer Lego? It's a Federal Reserve, dude. It's a Lego Federal Reserve.

Oh, my God. And that was my tweet. Oh, shit. Yo, can I tell you a story about this bitch? Nope. No, no, no. Not my girl. It really depends on the bitch. about this bitch? Nope. No, no, no. Not my girl.

Really just bags of the bitch, bro. This random bitch. Yeah. I thought you were about to tell us another story about your girl being raped. No, this random bitch. I'm at Trader Joe's buying grocery. Yeah, yeah. You trying to bag bitches in Trader Joe's, son? Talk about it.

Talk about it. I see you out here getting that fucking pandemic pussy. We out here at Trader Joe's, right? Yeah. We're these middle-aged hoes, right? Yeah. And Trader Joe's owns a certain number of people

in the store. That's your boss slapping against that white puss. Yeah. That's why they call it Trader Joe's, bro. He's trying to trade that shit in. Are they loyal Joe's? T-R-A-I-T-O-R.

Yeah. So you gotta stand Take that Francis You gotta stand You gotta stand six feet apart Outside of the store The only other store No we don't care

It's too much It's too much It's too much It's too much It's too much It's too much It's too much It's too much It's too much It's too much It's too much It's too much It's too much It's too much It's too much It's too much It's too much It's too much It's too much It's too much It's too much It's too much It's too much It's too much It's too much It's too much It's too much It's too much It's too much It's too much It's too much It's too much It's too much We are fucking Oh baby Last few episodes Shut the fuck up Let me tell my fucking story yo Tell your stupid ass story bro We stand six feet apart right This old bitch

Bro you really getting Bro Six feet apart, right? This old bitch. Yo. Yo. Bro, you really getting. Bro. Shit hurts. You getting Jamie Foxx, bro. Look at his little stupid hip. Look at his stupid ass hip. Look at his stupid ass hip when he's watching.

Fucking idiot. Stupid ass hip. Fucking Jamie Foxxed over here, bro. This is your conscience. All right, that got me. You can't recover. All right, go, go, go. I can't recover. I want to hear it. And you know who you can't recover I can't recover I can't recover I can't recover

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I can't recover I can't recover I can't recover I can't recover I can't recover I'm actually interested to hear the story. Yeah, go. I hate both of y'all. We don't hear both of y'all. I hate both of y'all. You want to hear your story? I hate both of y'all.

I mean, it's a story where you're not thanking your girl, so it's like I got to win a war. It's like, no, I just want to hear it. I want to tell the thanking my girl story. Yeah, to be honest with you. No, we want to hear the Trayvon Jones story. Come on, son. Let's go. All right, so I'm going to lie.

I wish you had a dot on your forehead so I could push start this fucking story. Come on son Let's go Alright so I'm in line I wish you had a dot in your forehead So I could push start this fucking story Hey Hey you know what Maybe the battery's dead

Maybe the battery's dead Go go go Maybe I need a new alternator Go go go go Come on come on I'm standing in line This old bitch keeps creeping up behind me Like getting mad close

Like a foot at this point Right So I'm like This old bitch like getting mad close like a foot at this point right so I'm like this a little bit and you just walked out yo what's up this is Akash that was a preview of our Patreon episode

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