Andrew Schulz's Flagrant with Akaash Singh - The Most Flagrant Moments of 2019

Episode Date: December 31, 2019

You've decided! This week we go over the most flagrant moments of 2019 in preparation for even more in 2020. Thank you to all of the assholes that have stuck with us over the years and the ones that joined the army this year. We got tons planned for y'all in 2020, get ready. INDULGE!!! Want an extra episode a week? Become a PATRON! www.PATREON.com/FLAGRANT2

Yo, what's up everybody? Welcome to Flagrant 2, No Easy Buckets. I'm Akash Singh. I'm here with Kazim Famuyide. Andrew is in Africa fighting off Ebola right now, but we're going to bring you the best of moments. Just some of the funniest, wildest moments we had. This is all the craziest moments from our free episode. And the first one, I think I should probably do the intro because I really thought my relationship was over when Lisa Ann sat across from me. And these motherfuckers are wingmanning for a faithful dude. I don't understand why Kaz and Ann are talking about how big my dick is, which is an absolute bald face lie, first of all. Second of all, Lisa plays into it because she knows I'm weak and I ain't got fucking nothing funny to say. And she just preys on me.

Kaz, you got any comments? Not really. I mean, I remember Lisa just being an awesome guest and one of my favorite guests. She's one of my favorite people. So anytime we have her on Flavor, it's really fun. And watching Akash squirm around probably like the world's most famous porn star is always hilarious. But shout out to everybody being a good sport and uh here it is check it out can we talk about this little thing that i'd like

to put in my pocket can we say before the show started we're not gonna leave this no we're not we're not we're flirting with him so hard now he's pretty he's a pretty beautiful man no joke no joke hung Thor's hammer so it's a third leg i've a beautiful man. He's so pretty. No joke, no joke. Hung. Thor's hammer. So it's a third leg. I've seen it. Like a kickstand. I mean, listen, sure.

They call him the billy goat. It's not, but you know what I mean? Nah, stop lying. You're being bashful. You know what? With handwriting that small, I think it's big. You see how small he writes? Look at his little handwriting. Look at this.

You need a microscope to read his handwriting. That's the only thing you need a microscope for. Be honest with me. Stop it. We out of here. Akash, stop it. Akash was a big deal. We know you're a hunk.

He'd be great in a MILF movie. That's so funny. He shows up, he's the IT guy for Best Buy. You know what I mean? And he shows up to tell you that you haven't been looking at enough porn.

Yeah. And then next thing you know, he shows you what? You haven't been looking at enough porn. You don't have enough viruses. You don't have enough viruses on this thing. That's the problem. Let's spread a few viruses over here. And then next, you know, he shows you what you don't have enough viruses.

Let's spread a few viruses over here. You need a floppy disk. Did I age myself? Did I age myself? Is it a little too old? No, you need a new hard drive. Okay, so Big Dick Akash, that's what we usually call him on the show, right? But he's super bashful about his big dick.

It's like the weirdest thing because he understands it doesn't fit his body, right? It's like cartoonishly large. He doesn't look big, you know what I mean? He doesn't look like he has a big dick. Here's the weird thing about it. It's fat and long. This is common in the business. A lot of performers like James Dean when he was 18 and got in the business, he was just a dick on a stick just like you are.

I'm rocking. You're a dick on a stick. And the smaller... Dick on a stick. Wow. I'm Indian Ron Jeremy. Raj Jeremy. Raj Jeremy.

That's the name of the episode. Raj Jeremy. And there it is. There it is. Wow, man. Okay, so did you know... Okay, when you walk in the room, are you so, you know how like women have gaydar and like men have gaydar, they can tell if someone's gay? Do you have dickdar?

In some sense, yes. So you could tell that he had a huge dick just by looking. Sometimes I can tell that someone's going to disappoint me as well. And I do not feel that you are going to disappoint me. Put your hand down. Yo, stop it. Stop it. Stop being so damn bashful.

Akash has big dick energy. Right? He does. 100%. We've been telling people this. I mean, who walks around the city in that cap and that shirt being fly? He does. And why does he do that?

Because he can. Wow. That's so funny. I'll take it. I'll take it, bro. I'll take it. I'll take it. Research project later

We've never seen it hard or soft We just know I won't photograph it but I'll tell you That's the thing I've heard rumors I see the big dick energy Don't you off right I've seen it

I'm slinging that thing around Thank god he's wearing the fucking pants Sometimes he'll wear shorts You just cut my hair. Joes you off, right? Absolutely. I've seen it. I'm slinging that thing around. Walking around, slinging that thing. Thank God he's wearing the fucking pants. Dude, sometimes he'll wear shorts, and in an episode, it will fall out. It will fall out one of the shorts in an episode. I get it. One of those black guys who used to play basketball in the NBA. The one with the bra shorts, you know, when he used to wear it when he first came to the league?

Are you single? No, I got to go. Wiped up. See? Wiped up. She's a smart woman. She's a smart woman. She walked out. They're never single either.

The dick in the stick is never single. Never single. So true. The girlfriend always with them. Yep. They don't let them go. And they don't talk about how good they are in bed because they don't want anybody else to try and jump on them.

They've been together for a while, too. She will deal with anything. She knows what's going on. She knows what's going on. Do girls do that? Do girls, if they hear that a guy's good in bed, do they try to take it? Of course. Really?

Yeah. So you think girls are going to be sliding into DMs because now they know how big and fat his fucking dick is? Quite possibly. That's my boy. I heard about you. That's my boy. Big dick in the stick.

Oh no, bro. We should make him a Tinder, fake Tinder. We should make him a child's book. And see what happens. I'm going to child's book. And see what happens. That'll be a pop-up book. Yeah, we need to do a pop-up. Who would have thought? Who would have thought it took Lisa to come here

for us to realize how big Akash's dick is? Yep. You just knew it. She locked in so fast. That was crazy. Now I'm freaking him out. You just knew it. She locked in so fast. That was crazy. Now I'm freaking him out. You can see it. Now he feels inside.

How you doing? Lisa is a bully, bro. Lisa is a bully, yo. She gonna want that dick. Yo, what's up? It's your boy Kaz. Flaker 2. Akash Singh here.

This is the best of Flaker 2 episode. Next clip we're going to show you is from the first annual Flager 2 Jollof. Alright, and all my West Africans, everybody in Nigeria, Ghana, everybody knows Jollof rice is an important dish

in our customaries and everything like that, so I don't know. Our customs? Is that the word? Is that the word, motherfucker? I don't know. Our customs? Is that the word? Is that the word, motherfucker? I don't know. Anyway, so I thought it would be really funny

to have Andrew Akash and the whitest guy we know, Francis Ellis, eat some of the best jollof from around the countries and judge who has the best jollof rice. Akash, you got something? Nah, just a Ghana one. Nigerian didn't come through like we thought they would.

Y'all probably busy scamming motherfuckers with free stuff on Craigslist, pretending you princes. Here it is. Jollof. Put it onto your boy. Let's go. My time.

My time. Use Akash's spoon. Feed him. Let's go. I use this spoon. This one. Okay. And are you supposed to put some of that black powder on it?

I'm not. Maybe we should. Don't do that. Don't do that for me. Don't do that because it's very spicy. Is it really spicy? I can see. Okay, ready?

Don't do that to me. Ready? Ready. Okay, so right now I'm about to do the first one. Joloff Challenge. Francis, how is this culture? I feel like someone's very close to me. Are you ready to feed me?

Okay, yeah. Yeah. How is it? Oh, god damn. You all right, bro? Hey, how you doing, bro? You need some milk? Oh, god.

I can't stop salivating. Here, take some water. What did you guys put in it? Is that just the regular one? That's just regular. There's no way that was just regular. Are you dead ass? No, dude, it's coming out of my nose.

There's no way. Am I bleeding? There's no way. No, you're fine. You're fine. It's called spice, bro. Did you put something extra on it? There's nothing extra.

There was something wet about it. There was nothing wet? What are you talking about? If he's having this much trouble, I'm gonna have a lot of trouble. And I just started being able to eat. Which one was that one? Close your eyes. We're getting the next one. We're getting the next one.

We're getting the next one. Don't worry. What's the number? Give me one to ten. I don't even know if I'm tasting anything. I'm not even sure if I swallowed it, dude. That's really intense. Keep your eyes closed.

My whole mouth is on fire right now, and my nose is bleeding. I'm 100% sure my nose is bleeding. No, no, you're good. I'm not bleeding right now. You're not bleeding, but you're fine. Oh, my God. And get me a tissue or something like that, dude. I really think I'm... You're good. You're good. All, no, you're good. I'm not bleeding right now? You're not bleeding, but you're fine. Oh my God, and get me a tissue or something like that. Dude, I really think I'm...

You're good, you're good. All right, go. Hold on, let me cleanse my palate. That was a good idea, a good idea. Oh my God, that one was really good. I'd give that one definitely a 10. A 10? No, I couldn't taste it at all.

It was so hot. No, but that one was really good. I give that one a eight. I give that one an eight. Eight. Eight and a half, that was so good. Eight and a one a eight I give that one an eight eight eight and a half That was so good eight and a half. Okay go Bunch on it Munch on it. Munch on it.

Let it swirl around a little bit. Let's swirl around. Is this what you guys were eating? Is this what you guys were eating? Yes. That's the same thing you guys were eating the whole time? It's the same shit, bro. I need water.

I got, I got, I need water, bro. There's no way. You guys are, I'm definitely bleeding. I'm definitely bleeding. You're fine. Is it blood or no? There's no blood. I'm bleeding. I feel like I'm bleeding bleeding Is it blood or no? I'm bleeding I feel like I'm bleeding There's no blood bro

Relax Oh my god dude It's in my neck I can feel it in my fucking neck man What was that one? What country was that from? That was uh No use it on a guest

Give it a run It's sending It's sending No, use it on a guest! Give it a run! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Yeah! What? Just give him the water. Give him the water, man. I fucking... Oh my god, dude. Have you never ate spicy food in your life, though? Holy shit!

I can't feel my pinky, bro. There's no way. I can't feel my fucking pinky, dude. Is this what all white people go through? There's no way. There's no way. Oh, man. There's no way. Oh, my God, dude.

Please, I don't even want to try the last one, dude. You got to. You got to now. Son, you didn't know that it's spicy, son? I heard the last one's fire. Oh, that's why. All right, let's go. Let's get this through.

I would really prefer not to do that. All right, keep your eyes closed, all right? Keep your eyes closed, okay? Oh, my God. All right. Let's get this done. I would really prefer not to do I keep Small bite guys small bite small bite small bite Come on man Oh Come on man, I gotta take my shirt. I gotta take my jacket off Where's the napkin just in case I have to throw it up? It's right here. Okay, okay.

Alright. I don't like how close Akash is. I can't speed you, you're good. Okay. Here it comes. Here it comes. Open up. Open up.

Open up, motherfucker! No, because I feel like you're putting extra. Is this sriracha? No, that's not sriracha. Come on, open your mouth. Open your mouth, you pussy. What the fuck? Dude. No, I felt that one going in.

I felt that one going in. That one was wet. That was definitely a wet one. That must have had something on it. What were you guys doing? Oh, you guys were poisoning me. I see. That's the funny joke.

Is trying to murder your friend. Is that the funny joke? Is that? Hold on. I got to try it, though. I got to try it. Wait, how much? Is that how much you put it?

That's the meat. That's the meat. The real talk, that one was all pepper. But before that, it was like drops, dog. Can I tell you something? YPK, this is why you don't trust Nigerians. No, no. Your whole life you knew not to trust them, and this is why.

Okay? This is why, because they're jealous that our Jolof is better. They're jealous of us, okay? I can't even talk. I think my tongue is swollen. Is it right there? Yeah, I got it. How much did you guys put?

The last one was OD. But the first two? I probably put this much up. The first two was just like a little drop. The first one was good. I could do the first one. The first one was fire. But it just got more and more wet. And I was like, I don't think it's it.

All right. Yeah, pass that real quick. Okay. Wait, hold on. I actually need to know which one was which for him. Well, mine doesn't count because I didn't get a real taste test. Yes, you did. No, I didn't.

All right, the last one was OD. Last one was OD. All right, let's have the real judge go. Okay. All right. All right. Can I just stick my spoon in here? I want to see what you're freaking out about. Please. The last one was OD. All right. Let's have the real judge go. Okay. All right. All right. Can I just stick my spoon in here? I want to see what you're freaking out about.

Please. I did the same thing, so. Because maybe I didn't get enough pepper on the last bite, and that last bite wasn't enough. Right. It's actually kind of hitting beyond a goodie. Here we go. This one should be hot. Okay.

Ready? Oh, this should hit him. He's right. No, I just tried the hot sauce. Okay. I'm telling you It would be like I'll just tell you right now

Guys I guess it would be funny To do that whole gig again Yeah But it would probably Be better for the podcast If we didn't do it to me Why?

I'm just telling you Why? I don't handle You can't handle spice well I don't do it very well And maybe I'm saying It's not bad bro It's actually really good I just tried it Y'all can spice well. I don't do it very well. And maybe I'm setting myself up. It's not bad, bro. It's actually really good.

I just tried it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. Ready? All right. Give them the real taste. All right. I don't trust you guys at all.

No, we want to fuck with you. We want to fuck with you. Guess. You're a guess, bro. I should have slapped it, actually. I should have good as fuck, bro. Man, are you crazy, dog? All right.

All right. All right. Ready? Yep. Here we go. Okay. We're going to do Joloff Challenge. Okay?

Hold on. Joloff Challenge for Francis Ellis. Pass that shit over here. Okay. Number one. Hold on. I swear to you, there's nothing on that. No pepper on that.

Now, what you guys have to do is, while I'm feeding him, you have to talk so that people listening at home are entertained. So, you know, take a couple. Kaz is still trying to eat. I like that. I'm sorry. This shit is dumb good. There's a lot of flavor in that.

Out of 10, what do you give it? I like that. Unfortunately, I can taste the fish. Okay. I know which one it is, but I'll just... I'm still a 1 to 10. I would say I like that like a 7.5. 7.6. Solid, solid. I like that like a 7.5, 7.6.

Solid, solid. I like the exact measurement. Andrew coming in with it. Kaz and I have been eating this pepper this whole time, and honestly, we're fine. Sincerely. That one's a little sweeter. Oh, interesting. It's got a little bit more of a saccharine type.

Saccharine? You talking about stevia or whatever it's called? Sure. It's like, yeah, sure, whatever. Yeah. I like that one a little more, I would say. I'm going to go 8.2. Ooh!

I'm not racist. Hold on. Not this guy. Last one. That's adorable. This is really adorable. It's like a diversity program they both entered. It really is.

If I get all my white friends, what happens? That one's my favorite. Now, guys, keep in mind, the winner of this, before you decide, the winner of this, we are sponsoring a well in their... No, I'm just kidding. Just kidding! Okay. A very... Never mind.

I was going to make it even worse. Okay, now. Now, it's up to you right now. Yeah. You've tried... What is the score for the last one? I thought the last one was the best. And I'm a little biased because that one was still pretty warm.

Right. Yeah. And I think that that definitely helped it. But the last one I really liked a lot. I would say like, I'm going to go as high as like a nine. Ooh. See, PK Cooks, my goddess. YPK.

YPK Cooks, my goddess sister. Let's go. That was really good. Is that one? That's the one? That was that one. Yeah. That one was good.

Now, YPK, what's your name? Oh, that's the whole name? Oh, so it's your restaurant. Just the letter. Okay, say it again. Ya Pinamay Quarten. Ya Pinamay Quarten. Okay.

That's a very common name, by the way. So now here's the thing, right? So here's the thing. YPK. I'm like sweating, bro. Since you won, okay, what we have to do now as a podcast, this is what the real winner does. We have to learn a Ganon dance. Okay.

Yes. Do you know any Ganon dances? Of course. Okay. Now, we're not going to do it on this episode because I want us to get it down, and we're going to really get the choreography with it, and it's going to go down so you can be the one that teaches us if you like. YPK Cooks,

thank you so much. Chef Prosper to God. Thank you so much. Mama Cash, thank you. And one more time, shout out to Ghana. Shout out to Ghana, my people. I'm a fair man. The Ghana jaw was hitting the hardest today, bro.

Champion of the 2019 Joloff Off, Ghana. We'll see what happens next year. All right, y'all might have a choice. Now, what we're not going to do is... Cass's people, as always, wait. So you're sweating, son. I know, when I eat spicy food, I sweat, but I love it. You pussy, bro.

Pussy-ass Indian talking about not going to make me sweat. You are dripping sweat. I sweat. I sweat. Bro. Come on, son. I went for a jog one time. I sweat.

That's the Salon Guineas one. Oh, this is, what is it? The Salon Guineas one. The Santa Cruz restaurant. Yeah, turn around. Did they make you pay for it? Yes. So they're not getting a plug.

Big fact. Yo, this next clip, I am shocked. This was a free episode. It's one of the wildest moments we've ever had. It was Chris DiStefano sitting across from us telling a story of how he got legit raped. Like legit mouth rape at least. Yeah, not even at least. It is rape.

It was very brief, but it had to be traumatizing and you could see him kind of squirming but it was one of the funniest wildest moments we've had all year uh yeah uh chrissy go talk to somebody like professionally because i'm pretty sure that's uh that's a traumatizing experience for anyone to go through but we're all gonna laugh at it anyway so here it is chris told the craziest story today i did history hyenas podcast right yeah as chris says hyenas hyenas put an extra h in it and uh dude can you tell the story which one the one where your friend fucked your mouth oh my god what yeah dude yeah. I know. Your fans are like, yo, pause. That was the next step. Fast forward.

We don't pause. We lean in. They don't pause. I pause. Yeah, dude. I was like 13 years old, and I was like the runt of my friend, like the young one. Yeah. You know? And yeah, dude, we were just all hanging out.

Everybody used to hang out at my house. My mom was working, whatever. And then she just abused me, you know, pushed my air conditioner out the window, shit in my sink, you know, whatever. None of this is normal. He's saying it very, like, it's a list. My favorite thing about him is when he's going to say some wild shit, he starts it with, you know. You know, they just fuck your mouth, you know. Like making an omelet.

I mean, it goes with mushrooms and yellow cheese. You know, they just fuck your mouth. Like making an omelet. Yeah. I mean, it goes with mushrooms and yellow cheese. He said they put him outside the house naked in his mother's heels. No, we used to do it one time. They ordered Chinese food. They ordered Chinese food, and they were like, yo, we dare you to go downstairs butt naked with your mother's high heels and a New York Giants football helmet on that I had. And they were like, we dare you to go downstairs and just get the food from the Chinese delivery

guy. It'll be hilarious. So they all follow me down. It's like four of them. I go to, I open the door like thinking like that's a joke

and they're all gonna just be laughing and it's really about the shock of the Chinese delivery guy's face. One of my friends pushes me outside

down my, down my stairs onto the sidewalk. I, my dick was bleeding. Like I, my dick got, I rubbed it on concrete.

Yeah, so I had like ball, you know, I had like a rug burn on my ball sack. And then they kept me, locked me outside my own home butt naked with my mother's high heels on in broad daylight for like five minutes. It was 1990. Did you just start eating it?

With the Chinese guy? No, he like ran away. He didn't know what to do. And then one time I was sitting on the toilet taking a shit and one of them was sitting on the toilet Taking a shit And one of them just came The two brothers came in And one of them skull fucked me

But listen He told me the story That sounds like you skipped Matt's steps Matt's steps That's right This is how he tells his stories Right

He goes He goes Yeah so I'm just sitting On the toilet Shitting And then the two brothers Come in One of them grabs my feet

Holds him on the ground And the other just starts Skull fucking me And then there's yeah, so I'm just sitting on the toilet shitting, and then the two brothers come in, one of them grabs my feet, holds them on the ground, and the other just starts skull fucking me. And then there's a pause, and I'm like, what'd you do with your hands? He goes, I don't know. I was like, I don't think he got skull fucked, I think he sucked your brain. Listen, it's what it is. It happens. They didn't force your mouth open. It's like the only reason he kept his feet on the ground is because he was so excited

he was just going... You want us to start jerking off his feet? I was gonna say, yeah, I fucking started caressing his balls. That's what I did with the hands. You were using your other hands on the other guy. Yeah. I thought it was a bukkake. You're just funny.

Yeah, so I... Wait, but real talk, have you ever gone back and thought about like, why did I just let that... Bro, I tried to get him to call him on the podcast. Yeah, I I... Wait, but real talk. Have you ever gone back and thought about, like, why did I just let that... Bro, I tried to get him to call him on the podcast. Yeah, I know. But he wouldn't call. Wait, you still talk to these people? Yeah, yeah. I just went to one of those guys.

I just went to his wedding. Call him. Did you have any objections? Yeah. I don't know, dude. Growing up, it was fucking weird. I'd love to hear that wedding speech. Yeah.

Hey, Suzanne, one hell of a skull fuck. Oh, God. They're fucking bitter alcoholics, dirtbags, never left the neighborhood, just pure shit. That's what I would think you would be, is the guy who got skull fucked. No, but it's interesting how you could make a skull fuck into a positive, because I think what happened was, is all that abuse that I took subconsciously, internally motivated me to blow past them. Yes. In everything.

Sports, academics, career, leave the neighborhood, all that stuff. But, you know, if I'm being honest with you, I couldn't suck on a lollipop for a few years. Was it because you were too busy sucking on dicks? It just, you know, anytime somebody's like, you want a blow pop, it brings up bad memories. Was there ever like a Freudian thing where you would take a shit and just need to suck a dick? Just stick my mother's shampoo bottles in my mouth? Something's missing right now. Yeah, bro.

It was a wild thing. But I don't regret it because I feel like without it, I wouldn't be the man I am today. You definitely wouldn't. I wouldn't. Absolutely. Listen, I'll tell you I am today. You definitely wouldn't. I wouldn't. Listen, I'll tell you from first experience. You know, dick, it wasn't that bad. It wasn't great. I don't want to actively suck dicks, but you know what I mean?

How long was the dick in your mouth? How many pumps? I think I blacked out a little bit, but I want to say three pumps, but I did black out. Drama, you know? Did you just take it in silence, or did you have a little like... I took it like... I took it in silence with gargling noises. And the kid had a full wood.

It was a hard one. Dude, on the podcast, you did not say the hard one. I asked if it was hard, and he was like, I don't really remember. I was like, you can't get soft dicks shoved in your mouth, dude. That's not going to work. On the drive over here, thoughts start to come in again. He had a full one. Full one.

With his blood brother next to him. Yeah, they were weird fucking kids. The two of them are weird kids. They used to slap each other's dicks together. It was weird. Where'd you go, man? Bushwick? Like Ridgewood, Bushwick area.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That hood. It's like the white kind of, it's border. Border, like there's, it was mostly Puerto Rican, but like, Puerto Ricans, it's not really hood. I mean, they're hood, but it's like. I heard Bushwick back in the day was wild. It was.

It was. But where I was was kind of like border, like how it says border. You know, it wasn't like full fucking, I didn't come out of the ghetto, but I didn't come from a good neighborhood. That wasn't like. Obviously. It wasn't come out of the ghetto. But I didn't come from a good neighborhood. That wasn't like, obviously. It wasn't the burbs. I was like, but seriously, what are you doing with your hands? He goes, I was holding my dick

down with one of them so they didn't see my dick and I was like, that was a priority? Yeah, I was like, I remember thinking like, I don't want my dick to pop out because I was taking a shit, but I mean one of the other guys is dicking my mouth. But that quick, one second decision making, like, okay, what would be worse? If they saw my dick or that I had my dick in my mouth? Did you fight it?

I'm trying to understand how it got in there. No, I was like the, like I was getting abused. You didn't know what skull fucking was. Yeah, I just was getting, I was like, yeah, growing up like a, you know, Irish, Italian, Catholic, I just thought this was an initiation. This is like, initiation into what? Yo, you know what's been nice in 2019 is I'm not the only one in a relationship anymore, so we

all get to complain, and we all get uncomfortable at the same time. But Schultz still came in one episode, and he said, when I do a flagrant thoughts, today I want you to talk about the dumbest thing your girlfriend has ever said. And I don't remember what mine was with my girl, to be honest, but I remember Schultz's, and I remember being like, oh, she was violent on this one. Kaz, were you here for this ep And I don't remember what mine was with my girl, to be honest, but I remember Schultz's

and I remember being like, oh, she was wilding on this one. Kaz, were you here for this episode? I wasn't here for this episode and thank God because we have plenty enough episodes for me to go home

and my girl to be pissed off at me about. So it was nice to take a week off from that. So check this out right now. Sorry for the awkward pause when I said that. I want to start the episode off.

I want to go right. We got to go right into it. We got to get right into it. I notified you guys before this episode. Okay. Instead of flavor and thought of the week, because this is fresh on my mind. Oh, I like it. Fresh on my mind. Oh, I like it. Fresh on my mind.

I want to know the most annoying thing that your girl has ever said to you. This can be your current girl, a past girl, it doesn't matter. But the most annoying thing that your girl has ever said to you. Okay? That's what I want to start the episode off with. I have one that's fresh on my mind. It's very fresh on my mind. The most annoying thing that my girl has ever said to me was this morning.

Okay, I'm sleeping. She goes like this. She goes, babe, wake up. Wake up and help me sleep. Bro. She goes, babe, wake up. Wake up and help me sleep. Bro? I'm in shock. Bro, I woke up and I thought I was still dreaming or something. I was like, what'd you say?

She's like, I can't sleep. Just wake up and help me sleep. Listen, I would never hit, look. I mean this. I would never hit a woman. I would never hit a woman. But I almost threw her out the window. Do you know how crippled people are carried? Do you know when you scoop up, you know what I mean?

Or like a dead body or something like that, right? I literally almost, because my windows slide, but they slide pretty far. And I almost thought about sliding the window and then just picking her scooping her up like that and then just dumping her out the window like that and then going back to sleep I don't understand how they don't appreciate that we need to sleep yo to keep buying their shit yo yeah I mean to work. I got to get up and work hard so I can buy the stupid shit you want. Son, it's just shocking. Dude, what goes through your head?

Like, the moment, like, you're restless, you can't sleep, and then you look at your boyfriend and you're like, God, he's sleeping so well. He looks too happy. Look how. They don't like that you're that happy without them causing the happiness. Dude, wake up and help me sleep it's almost so absurd that it's hilarious it is hilarious it is hilarious like if if if she wasn't 100 serious like if she didn't 100 believe that I should wake up and help her sleep, then it would be the best prank in the entire world. I got a question.

Okay, go. Have you ever like accidentally kicked them out of the bed? Wait, what? I have to just imply. Accidentally. Kick them out of the bed. Okay, listen. My apartment isn't big enough where like there's there's not bed on both sides

right it's just there's one side it's a wall and the other side it's she's just gonna bounce it to the wall and bounce back

yeah yeah yeah exactly so I'm kicking up her against the wall now I would absolutely not let her sleep on the side with no wall like that's not happening

at all because I'll tell you why because i need to be able to move away from her as much as i can and that includes having one of my knees jackknife and bent off the bed like the greater than it's a greater than sign off the bed like that's how far i'll roll away half your body is running away from her. Half my body is running away. Now listen, listen, listen, listen. Dude, no, I Heisman, I Heisman not her.

I Heisman the air. Like I'm trying. So basically what we do is we start the cuddle with her face against the wall. Like her nose is touching the wall. Because I know, I know 100%, I know 100% that as I roll away, she'll come closer and we'll move this way and we'll move this way until my knee is hanging off the bed. And then we just have to typewriter it back to the wall. Right? So it's just.

Come on, come on, come on. For everyone that's young listening right now, a typewriter is a device that existed before a computer that men would tell women to write things on when they had ideas they wanted to remember. Trudy, can you write this down? Okay, that was mine for this morning. I mean, I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe it.

That's insane. Why do you think I have a king-size bed? Bro, I get it. I get it. I am literally getting a king-size bed for this reason. And I'm not just 4'11". This guy don't need a king-size bed. And my girl, 4'5".

They could easily fit on a twin, but he wants to have so much separation. And you got to get the memory foam joints, the ones that like- That she's sinking to. That she's sinking to. That's really important. So like if she's jumping or moving, you don't feel shit on your side? Oh my God. Nothing.

She and I will sleep cuddle for like 20 minutes. And then when it's sleep sleep time- That's absurd. There you go. You scoot over and then she don't notice. 20 minutes? That's two snoozes. Wouldn't you rather have two snoozes in the morning by yourself?

Listen, if I'm not tired, let's cuddle. It's great. But when I'm tired, that's enough. Go. Why would you get in bed if you're not tired? I'm on my phone at first. I'm reading or whatever before all that. You know what I mean?

Dude, we need a verb to describe the action of a girl watching you on your phone and pretend like she's not infuriated that you're on your phone that's my favorite lie that's my favorite lie my favorite lie that they tell you know like that you know how i know that she's pissed off is she don't let me save her from oncoming traffic like we have a cool we have a cool, we have a cool, like, little cutesy, you know,

your cute little cutesy relationship you got with your girl, like, you're both, like, a little bit in the street and some cars are coming and you know this bitch

ain't gonna get hit by some cars but you're like, hey, back, back, back, back on the sidewalk, let me protect you

from some shit that ain't gonna even hurt you but I want you to think that I'll protect you in the event that some bad shit will happen, right?

So, it's like, like like but there's something about me looking at my phone and like a hole being burned into my fucking ear it's like you know i can feel it going into my ear and like on this whole side of you know two-face yeah remember two-face from batman harvey dent you know how one side of his shit is okay? The other side is just his girl looking at him. That has nothing

to do with Batman. It's just his girl like, you gonna get off the phone? Why you always trying to save Gotham? Why you need to save, what you need to do

is save this relationship. That's what you need to do. Yo, relationship Schultz is the shit. I love this shit. It's the relationship Schultz here, bro.

I love this shit. It's my favorite show is over here, bro. I love this shit. It's my favorite show. Son, that's because I watched Harry Potter the play yesterday, bro. You went to the fucking play? Son. That shit was dope. I liked it. The play?

You saw it? Yeah. Now, you know it's two. I'm early on that shit. Yeah. I did the same day joint. Son, I did this. I'm not even that big a Potter fan.

Yeah. It's two plays in the same day. That's a lot, dude. That's a lot of Potter, bro. That's a lot. I'm a big Potter guy, so it's like, I enjoyed it. Is it what? Is it called Harry Potter?

Okay, it's actually really smart. It's the kids. Yeah, so basically, Harry Potter's kids and Hermione's kids and Ron's kids, they all go to the school, but they get into hijinks altogether. So they're all- It's mad hijinks. Mad hijinks, bro So they're all- It's mad hijinks. Mad hijinks, bro. Mad hijinks.

It's so much hijinks, bro. Son. Anyway. J.K. Rowling must have been one lonely bitch as a kid because all these fucking Harry Potters are about having no friends and shit. And like, real talk, bro. How lonely was this bitch? And you know what's funny?

Now she's the only female billionaire. This bitch right back to lonely. And don't want to marry no billionaire, bitch. You just right back to zero. Shit. You know what I'm saying? You need to marry some guy so we can hocus pocus

make half of that shit disappear abracadabra broke bitch abracabroke bitch alright that's my craziest thing go Akash

there's too many so the one that pops up is um my girl one time said to me you never take me to applebees i looked at this bitch like are you out of your fucking mind you're welcome yeah i know i'm sorry i just took you to italy i'm sorry was that not italy yo motherfucking boot ass italy

the country yeah that's crazy i couldn't believe it i looked at her like are you out of your Not Italy Yo Motherfucking boot ass Italy The country Yeah That's crazy Yo I couldn't believe it I looked at her like Are you out of your fucking mind What preceded What kind of commercial

Did she just say I don't know Yo Applebee's kudos Or whatever you're putting out there That's how much Indians Love to save money She's mad

That she hasn't Did that two for 20, son. Double, double, double, double, double, 2 for 20, double, double. Double, double, 2 for 20. Double, double. Bro, yo, Dumbledore is just some Indian talking. Bro, so what'd you say to her? Did you take her to... No!

I didn't take her to Applebee's. What was she upset about to say? I don't know. I didn't understand. This is like when we first started dating, so I didn't understand that like women just have all these emotions. They don't know what to do with them,

so they just get mad at you every 20 minutes. So much emotion. Because it's just too much. It just builds up and it just finds something. But I just looked at her get mad at you every 20 minutes? So much emotion. It's just too much. It just builds up and they just find something. But I just looked at her like, are you fucking...

I think I just laughed. That's how I know I'm an A plus ass boyfriend. That this is what you're reaching at is I never took you to fucking Applebee's. Yo, she was reaching for strings or whatever that...

What's that? Straws. Straws. Yeah, you had nothing, son. Bro. So I just laughed at her but I'll never forget. You know how great a boyfriend

you gotta be where she's going through her Rodex of shit that you fucked up with? You're good, son. You never take no vacation. Nah, he did that. You never say you love him. Nah, he did that.

Yeah, I be doing that. You never visit my family. Nah, he did that. I be doing that. Applebee's. Shout out to you. You're good. Yo, bro.

Well, but now she's- But then the point is, it's like if you know she's going to complain no matter what you might as well not take her to all that stuff so that you could agree with the complaint right there is a little bit of you I could be like yeah you're right I haven't done that enough

I haven't taken you to Italy I gotta work on that I gotta work on that babe I do spend too much time at work I do all be on the road all the time. You're right. Don't you want to agree with your girl's complaints? Like, that's the most annoying thing, like, when they think that you're cheating.

It's like, well, shit, let me be cheating. You know what I mean? Like, well, I'm dealing with it. I'm dealing with all the grievances and shit with cheating. You might as well cheat at that point. That's the worst. When you're, like, good, and then they still think you're cheating. I'm like, God damn, do you know how hard it is being good? God damn, do you know how hard it is?

It's like when you cheat, at least you're like, you smart ass bitch. You smart ass detective ass bitch, you. bitch together with the conclusions we played a little game of guess who and you don't guess right right you know what I mean it was Andrew on the road with the waitress our boy Shane Gillis was you know unceremoniously let go from Saturday Night Live for saying some shit on a podcast

and we can relate sort of because we say shit on podcasts all the time but before he came on the show uh andrew and akash uh talked about asians and shows we just really talk about asians well i guess kind of but we just did the neuters bit but we took it further we said hey shane had a funny idea i think we could have made it funnier and i think we did so this next clip saturday night arrive check it out yo really i'm starting to believe there's not one position that's worth having an ego i heard a quote that uh on some radio show somebody was saying a football player

told him you have like for every one bad apple in a locker room you need about 20 to 30 good ones to keep him in line and that's how you control that guy. And that's kind of how probably the Patriots can get away with having like NAB if they get away with it or Randy Moss for a few years

because it's like, look, we got enough people that are like, this is how we do it that we can keep you in line. And at the end of the day, people want to fit in.

Yeah. And then they can just kind of bully you into being like, or if you're still going to be, all right, now we can just get rid of you. There's a natural instinct to fit in.

There's a culture that's been established. There's a culture that's established. Everybody fits in. And when you go to different countries, at first you act as if you're in your own country. And then once you learn the customs of the new one, you start to adjust. When I was in Japan, I started to adjust a little bit.

I wasn't as affectionate in public because they don't really play that shit. Right. And it gets in your head started to adjust a little bit. I wasn't as affectionate in public because they don't really play that shit. And it gets in your head. You become a little insecure. I heard you're supposed to slurp when you eat your neuters. As a sign of respect. As a sign of respect that I appreciate what this chap is doing. Wow.

Bro. You know what's crazy? Is that like right now everybody's going to be so sensitive about this shit and it's really bullshit because every week we're making fun of

Indian accent, Asian accent, Mexican accent. White accent, black accent. Like every week we do it but now there's like a heightened

sensitivity Yeah. about it. It's fucking bird shit. I'm six. I'm not going to give you five, but that's good. Bro. Bro.

It's fucking bird shit. Oh, I almost fell Yo I'm being dead serious This shit is not cool It's not fucking cool Like two weeks ago Double, double, double Yeah

Not a big deal Now If we said neuter Oh god yo You see how easily people are manipulated To thinking something is wrong Dabble dabble neuter Neuter

It can't help it man it's his outrage cartridge What are you going to do You guys are stupid You guys are stupid What are you going to do? You guys are stupid. You guys are stupid. TK Wang. TK Wang. TK Wang. It's just nice to be on the inside of a joke sometimes You are a fucking wired boy man

You are wiring right now You are wiring You are wiring. What? You are wiring out. Yeah. Arich, can you get a hold of us? I can't without you, man. Yo. Yo, for real.

We don't call this shit for Ray, man. Dude, for no reason. Yo, I can't wait till we put this out in crips. Yo, the IG crips for this are going to be ripped. You know, what's interesting is that we're actually mocking a Mandarin accent. Oh, word? Cantonese is a little bit different. Cantonese.

I know it's close. So the next clip is a special episode we did with our boys from the basement yard, Joe and Danny. Two super hilarious guys. It was great. Every time we have an episode with another dope podcast and kind of bring all of our audiences together

and just any group or any podcast or any show that believes in flagrancy the way we do, it's always fun. So Akash, you were there for that. Talk about it. I got nothing to add. I thought the whole episode was great.

This is the moment we picked out because a lot of patrons we asked what's their favorite moment and they said this specific thing. So guys, here is Suckin' That Thang. This is the moment we picked out because a lot of patrons we asked, what's their favorite moment? And they said this specific thing. So, guys, here is Sucking That Thang. This one time at summer camp. You did yours, motherfucker. Yeah, yeah.

We know about your cousin. Wait, what? What? He did his traumatic childhood story. Oh, I thought you got molested as well. No, no, no. I was like, I repressed it. Mine feels the same, brother.

It was your cousin or your aunt that was in there? My cousin. My cousin was in there. Okay. Around the same age as you? No, she, no. I was like, I'm repressing that last day. It was the same cousin. It was your cousin or your aunt that was in there? My cousin. My cousin was in there. Okay. Around the same age as you? No, she was older. Way older. Yeah, like 15 years older.

So she could have molested you? Yeah, she could have. If she wanted to. Did you think she did? I mean... Do you think you were cute enough to be molested? Was there anything molested? Ever in my life molested?

Yeah. I had a vice principal go to jail for like, I've told you this story. Yeah. I want to tell it quick because- As soon as you said his fucking mind over like a winter soldier. I had a vice principal at my high school who was like, you know, there's always somebody that works at a high school that's like, I want to work with the troubled kids. You know what I mean?

Take them under my wing. Yeah. And he would take kids under his wing. Wing being dick. Yeah. And I remember, thankfully I had two older brothers, so I was a little more street smart to when somebody was trying to fuck this ass. You know what I'm saying?

So I was little boys. Yeah, dude, I was in high school. And he would be like, yeah, you know. High school, you're fucking old enough. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, if you're getting pounded in high school, you have to be somewhat consensual in that situation. 100%, I believe you. But there's also some other kids that you take care of.

You think you could be manipulated out of your butt at 16? Hell yeah, dude. He totally tricked me. I had no clue what I was doing. You can't. You can't. You can't. You can't.

You can't. You can't. You can't. You can't. You can't. You can't. You can't. You can't.

You can't. You can't. You can't. You can't. You can't. You can't. You can't. You can't.

You can't. You can't. You can't. You can't. You can't. You can't. You can't. You can't.

You can't. You can't. You can't. You can't. You can't. You can't. You can't. You can't.

You can't. You can't. You can't. You can't. You can't. You can't. You can't. You can't.

You can't. You can't. You can't. You can't. You can't. You can't. You can't. You can't.

You can't. You can't. There was a male comic who tried to say at 14 some rapey shit happened. And Andrew, this is well before any, this is like 10 years ago, and Andrew was just not, he was like, you're 14. You can't fucking fight. I said, I will snuff my high school teaser, my vice principal. Yeah, yeah. So what happened was, is that he was at our school. You don't even got authority. You're going to rape me with vice?

Yeah. You're going to rape me with vice? You. You're going to rape me with vice? You don't need a pay bump to rape me? Real talk. Kind of the reason why I could see how R. Kelly got away with raping all those people. Yeah. Because he's like really fucking charismatic. We didn't think he was raping.

We saw him on tape and we were just like. That's different though. He's also like a famous person. Yeah. He's got power and shit. I don't think that has an age limit on him. That's what I'm saying. He's a vice principal.

That doesn't make any fucking sense. He wasn't my type anyway. But what I'm saying is he would be very like, hey, listen, I'll help you with your grades and help you get back on the basketball team, help you get all this stuff. If you. No, no, no, no, no. The if never came. That was later.

You know who else didn't come? Him. Me was later. You know who else didn't come? Him. Me and him. But he used to call me at night. Yeah. Used to send me birthday cards. And then he left our school. Yeah.

And him leaving, there was four of us that were the troubled kids. Yeah. And we all were drinking the night he left and went somewhere else. We were like, yo, let me ask you a question. You think he's gay? And then all of us were like, dude. Wow. Like for years I've thought this.

I just thought I was being like over. And then he went to another school, got caught with a kid in his car. Doing what? Sucking that thing? Well, he had a kid in his car. Well, he had a kid in the car. I don't think he had as much to prove. Sucking thang? He had a kid in his car. He had a kid in the car. I don't think he has much to prove. Sucking that thang.

He had a kid in the car who was a troubled kid. Sir, get out of the car. Stop. Sucking that thang. Take the thang out of your mouth, sir. You got your next buying song, buddy. Take the thang out of your mouth and place it on the ground. Sucking that thang. Take three thing out of your mouth and place it on the ground. Suck that thing.

Take three steps back from the thing. Yo. You gotta sit like an old black woman. Suck that thing. You sucking that thing in there. Get out of there. Put the thing down. Sit down. Put the keys on the dashboard.

Let me ask you a question. You played high school football and basketball, and teachers were trying to fuck you. Yeah, I was the man. What happened? You fell off, son. You fell off a bar, yo. Yo, we need a high school Danny picture, bro.

People talk about they peaked in high school. That's a real peak, though. That's a real peak, though. You peaked in high school, dude. I did. Not financially, though, but everything else, I, though. That fucker peaked in high school, dude. I did. I did. Not financially, though, but everything else, I'll agree. Nobody wants to fuck me anymore. You were popping.

Yeah, yeah. 18 a game, getting fingered by your dean. Yeah. You know? Trying to get respect from the black kids when you lost. Yeah, the black kids love me. Yo, y'all lost good. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's what happens, you know? Okay, I love how we've been interrupting this molestation story. No, no, no, it's all right. Psychopaths are comedians. Nobody molested me that I know of. Is it you're trying to tell a story about how you were molested, and we keep going, oh, joke opportunity. We keep going, joke opportunity.

Hold that thought. He said, suck his thing. So he climbed on top of me. He said, ah, motherfucker said climb. If you ever watch Flickr 2, you know we have a lot of shitty, terrible theories on life. But nobody leads the league in terrible, shitty theories than our boy Andrew. And the tranny porn episode was definitely one of them because I don't know how he tried to convince me that it was more straight than regular porn. But he gave a compelling argument.

It was honestly logically very sound, and I'm going to be honest, this is the clip that started my three-month shadow ban off Instagram. So, guys, here is Tranny Porn is More Straight. You're welcome. But can I be honest with you? I've seen straight couples kiss that I'm not into.

Is it just how ugly the people are to you? And all guys are ugly. Exactly. Right, but not all guys are ugly. I can say like you're attractive. You're good. You have like features

that are attractive. I'm a pretty motherfucker. No, no, no. Like I'm not one of those dudes that can't admit. Of course. Like whatever. You know what I mean?

You want to fuck the whole podcast. Okay. That's a lot. What are you putting on the fucking TV, Eddie? Come on, son. Is that really that distracting to you?

Oh, so now I'm the asshole. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on, so now I'm the asshole. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on, son. Hold on, son. Hold on, son. Hold on. I wasn't ready, son.

Shut the fuck up. So, look. So, look. Earlier, I go, two dudes kiss. That's gross, right? And it puts up 20 pictures of two guys centrally making out on a screen. And Al doesn't notice it and turns to him and goes, oh, come on, son. Thank you.

Come on. Akash hasn't even looked at his periphery. But did I ever disagree with you when it was gross? Did I disagree with you or did I just laugh? Did I laugh a silent agreement laugh? A silent agreement laugh. Yes, 100%. The point is, it has nothing to,

you can find something unattractive and totally want them to have rights and want them to be able to kiss as much as they possibly could kiss. Like,

you could do all that. That's totally fine. We can, you know what I'm saying? You have a, okay. I mean, get these fucking guys

off the screen. Oh, he wanted to go. He wanted to go for it. He wanted to go for it. Thank God. You got some fucking kangaroos. It's a normal thing. Let's look at kangaroo feet for a little bit.

Oh, he wanted to go for it. So that's the bullshit. I didn't know you did that. No, no, no, no, no, no. You're crazy, you're crazy, you're crazy, you're crazy. But isn't that the crazy thing? I would imagine, and correct me if I'm wrong, the gay guys that listen to this, I know we got some gay flagrant to asshole army out here, the real army.

I love the gays. Yo, so I would imagine you don't particularly enjoy watching straight couples make out. Yeah. You probably think lesbians kissing is gross. Facts. That's two people I am completely unattractive That's a muggle Making out in front of me

You don't wanna fuck Like that's another thing Like I'm not big Like I could watch a tranny Fuck a girl Because that's What kind of I could watch a

A male tranny Now male So basically a man Okay That got titties Okay But still got his dick fuck a girl. Because that's more straight. Because that's more tits. It's the same amount of dicks in a porn, which is one. Same amount of pussies in a porn, which is the girl.

But now you have two more tits. It's a little too unusual for my taste. Shit is a little unusual. It's unusual, but I'm not going to be like, ew, more tits. Right? It's just a dude with tits. And a what?

And a chick. The chick is still a chick, and it's a dude with tits. Right? Like, I'm not... I see the logic. It's not my first selection. I don't emotionally agree with you, but I see the logic. I don't...

What you said didn't resonate within me as like, you know what? You understand my point. I feel the same fucking way. Motherfuckers will be like, oh, that shit is gay, whatever like that. It's like, it's straighter. It's straighter. It's more be the same fucking way. Motherfuckers will be like, oh, that shit is gay, whatever like that. It's like, it's straighter. It's straighter. It's more tits. It's the same amount of dick.

More tits. Like, there are two sides. It's Jamie Lee Curtis getting fucked by Jamie Lee Curtis. Son, think about it imagine we gotta take these episodes to Patreon at some point I'm just saying

imagine none of us tried out for SNL do you know what I mean listen imagine imagine they try to come for us for this episode imagine

I'm like I saw a fucking guy's feet just as long as I don't see it's a tattoo of God God mess you fucking feet and then

the shower stall door is mad like thin and hollow. And all of a sudden you start to go. Just start moving back and forth. And you're like that. You're tearing that hump.

You want me to cup them? You want me to point my toes a little? You want me to point my toes? You want me to attach the toes? Yo, what if you fucking... Yo, son, what if someone has so much foot dexterity is that you fucking the feet and then all of a sudden the toes just lock like that?

Son, the toes just went webbing and webbing. You were like, oh, shit! Oh, shit! Son, Alex's toes are too close together. They can't do that. Alex's feet look like Oscar Pistori. We got the Blade Runner over here, son. Try to cancel me!

Try to cancel me! Yo, this next clip, I did probably what a lot of people have wanted to do to Andrew for a long time. It's us telling the story of how I wanted to do to Andrew for a long time. It's us telling the story of how I slapped Andrew when we were in L.A. for All-Star Weekend. And I don't remember what he accused me of saying, but it was so goddamn funny. I laugh so hard at the story to this day when I think of what he say. When you think about it, a hamburger is really a sandwich, is what he said I said. And then we just retold the story of me slapping Andrew in his fucking face.

Yeah, like, Andrew's the man we all love and cherish, but sometimes we all do want to slap him in the face. And Akash got to live out many of your fantasies, and it was fantastic and very, very fucking funny. So check out this clip. Did you have anything to offer? Did you have anything to offer? Did you have anything to say about Jimmy Butler? No, he covered it all.

You want me to add to every fucking... I don't know why I'm an asshole. You need to help answer these fucking texts. And I'm the asshole. You got anything to ask? You don't even know who fucking won these shits. You know who fucking initiated You know fucking initiated that yo figure out fucking that son I woke up 235 The producers on this text and produce shit is just being Kaz doing the whole thing. Ali's getting the studio.

Look at this fucking studio, right? Yo, Ali set the whole shit. What the fuck are you doing? Sneaking into this country? All the matte skin tape. Edding, stretching his spinal column at least another inch or two. Take you over. Hanging off the doorway.

Just trying to get taller and shit. Exactly. That motherfucker on the Bruce Lee machine. Oh, my God. Okay? I was doing what I had to do. I had to nap so I could come with this energy today, bro. I had to come through.

Fine, but don't look at me. Lean in with that stupid fucking look on your face. That I fucking hate. I've slapped you in the face for that look. Remember in L.A.? When you were looking at me like that, and I fucking slapped you. Did we not tell this story? No, you didn't.

I didn't hear this. We never told this story? Y'all were there. Some of you were there. It like that? I slapped you. Did we not tell this story? No, you didn't. I didn't hear this. We never told this story? Y'all were there. It was at All-Star Weekend. Wait, what? What was this? I don't remember this shit. This is so funny. We're in the car, right? It's when Andrew was high.

I was high. Oh, okay. I don't remember. We're in the car, right? The car had mad seats. It's a van. It's a van. That's how. Yeah. Because I think it was mad cars. I don't think I was in it.

I was so high, bro. When y'all told me that we weren't in the car for like hours and shit. Remember when? We walked like 100 feet earlier in the day. Like we literally just crossed the street. And Andrew was like, how long we been fucking walking this is what's uh it's an uninterrupted party right yeah you're on the way to the party oh my god i thought we walked all of la we literally crossed the street but to me it's like bro how long have we been walking, bro? Son, I felt like the Jews in the desert, son.

I felt like it was 40 years. We were walking. He walked right by his ex like 10 minutes later. I didn't even know. I had a conversation with this bitch because she just walked to us and just kept walking. Didn't even notice. So I remember that, but when the slap came. All right, so we're in this car.

We're in another car later. It was a different car. It was a different car. That's why. Wait, but am I in this car later. Am I in this car? It was a different car. It was a different car. That's why. Wait, but am I in this car? Was it the Ralph's car? Huh? No, no, no.

Was it the Ralph's? Ralph's car was Blau. That was when Blau was with us. Blau was driving it. Blau had to go to a show. Blau did a show. So we took an Uber. So we Uber.

I'm the only one not high. That's how I remember this shit. I don't remember. None of this shit. So we're in the car that had multiple seats, right? So it had two front seats. Then it had a middle seat. And then it had seats in the back for pharaohs.

Something like a caravan? Right. Yes, like a sienna or something of that sort. Right? We don't use the word caravan. Well, I'll edit this here. It's a trigger word for him. Okay?

Most of his family is still there. Okay. So we're in the sienna, right? Akash is in the back seat. It's a trigger word for him. Most of his family is still there. We in the Siena, right? Akash is in the back seat. I'm in the middle seat. Akash in the back seat talking. I'm high as fuck.

Then Akash, what you said? I don't remember. Then Akash said some dumbass obvious shit. Just some real obvious shit. I forget exactly what it is. He said something said something like yeah i'm down to go out i just gotta call my girl before right i forget exactly what it was it wasn't it wasn't like it wasn't that i'd be doing that but it wasn't that it was something else it was something i don't know if i thought it was funny and it wasn't no no it wasn't about it being funny or not. I thought it was just a regular ass sentence.

That's what I remember being like, how he latch onto this? But he said something that he pinned himself in a corner with, right? I forget exactly what it was, but it was something like, let's say, for example, he was like, yo, think about hamburgers is that they really are a sandwich, right? Let's say he says something kind of like that. I didn't say nothing like that. No, he said it was sandwich right like that right I'm high right but now I got him I got a lock right so I no fucking way. I'm not driving? We're not driving. I was in road two. I was in road two. I was in road two.

He's in a coach. I'm in a business, right? Right? Economy plus. I'm economy plus. I hear this coach motherfucker talking. He goes, he goes, he goes. I mean, technically, a burger is a sandwich when you think about it, right?

He says. He says. So he goes, he goes, he goes, he goes, he goes, he goes. I'm like this, right? I'm like this. Yo, let me say it real quick. Yo, mind your business. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know go. You go. I like this right. I like this Yeah, let me say it real quick. Yo mind your business. Yeah, yeah. You know technically a hamburger is a sandwich. I mean if we want to be technical. So, so I think he just kind of says it right?

And then I turn around and I go, I go, I go I go I go I go I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, Is a hamburger really a sandwich? Because he's got the bread and the meat. And I'm just sitting there like this. Like, oh, fuck. No, no. I don't even get to what I say.

I go, is it really a sandwich? Oh, yeah. Is it? And he knows I'm about to lay in. I'm listening. I'm looking. And I'm thinking about this. I'm like, he about to sink his teeth all the way to the bottom of this.

It's going to be next 30 minutes. 30 minutes. Let's talk about this. When Andrew goes, it's locked. He goes. Pit bull. Pit bull. Locked to a high.

So I'm looking at him. And I'm thinking. I'm like, his reflex is a little slow because he high. How do I stop this? And then before I even. I'm like, you just got to make your move now. And then I just slapped him. You slapped me right in the face.

Slapped the shit out of me. Slapped the shit out of me, right? He slapped the shit. And it was the only thing to do because if he tried to come at me, it's too late. He's going to come over the top. It's too late. It's obnoxiousness and you can't beat him. Are all things with bread a sandwich?

It's a hot dog a sandwich? I was just going to fucking lay. Dude, it was going to be the rest of the night. We were going to leave the car, right? And Akash, in that split-second moment, was like, how do I switch the momentum? How do I change this? Slap me right in the fucking face. I can't believe I missed this slap.

Son, I died laughing. You know what it was? I died laughing and I knew exactly why he did it. We never had a conversation about why I did it. We both just knew. No, no, we had talked about it. Alright, fair enough.

Remember every fucking thing else? I tried to add one thing to make the story better. You see, motherfucker? I acknowledge the genius of it. Oh, my God. The genius of the move. The risk is that I punch you in the face, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But the reward is it's over and it's null and void. Oh, for sure. Completely ended it. I was weighing it in my mind. I was like, he could punch me. It was fucking genius. Oh, my God. But I also thought if you're high're high it's gonna be too long before you realize what happened and I saw I just Cover whatever I need. I wish I remember what you fucking said, bro

Whatever it is This happened! This happened! Hey! Check out Mr. Observation Soldier here in the backseat! Oh! What else have you noticed about the world? Yeah, you don't want to let that guy ride again. Imagine you knew that was coming. Oh my god. Imagine the tsunami is coming. If I was hanging out with you the whole time high,

and I'm sober as shit, yeah, like, that's the best- Especially, you know, when Andrew sinks his fucking teeth in. Oh, my God. You don't want to let go. Holy fuck. He don't let you live. There's no breathing.

It was genius, bro. It was a fucking genius. He slapped the shit out of me right there. Boom. Left hand, right? Left hand. Right hand is a quick hand. I couldn't believe it.

I was like, what just happened? Another clip about relationship. Andrew, this is the first time he, I think the first time he ever went overseas with a significant other uh this is him telling me the story about being in Japan and eating at Jiro Dreams of Sushi and again just one of the funniest episodes I think we had all year yeah uh relationship Andrew is highly entertaining I didn't think think he could top single scummy Andrew, but he has. And we get great stories from it. And, you know, now he can all relate to our relationship plights that we have. So check out Jiro Dreams of Sushi.

Look, back to these Japanese's, okay? I had the best sushi I ever had in my life. Right? Obviously. Not Jiro. I got a bone to pick with this motherfucker. Let me tell you something about Jiro. Okay?

We should have taken that guy out in World War II. Okay? We missed. With Jiro. That's fraud. Okay? Listen. For those of you guys who don't know, I already spoke about it on the podcast.

I dream of Jiro. Jiro dreams of sushi. Yeah. Is the name of the thing. It's a Netflix documentary. He not dreaming of sushi, let me tell you that much. Okay? He dreaming of something else.

I was so excited to go to this fucking dinner. I was geeked for you. Do you know I bought a suit? Keep in mind, the dinner is $1,000. Me and my shorty, right? I buy a suit. $500 each or $1,000 each? $500 each.

That's crazy, bro. Son. Wait till you hear about this dinner. You're like an angry Kramer right now. Okay, ready? Here we go. $1,000 dinner, right? Pre-booked.

We get it. I'm so fucking hyped. Yeah. We start looking up the right way to eat the food, how to operate in the gym. Okay, you got to wear a suit? Okay, boom. I got to wear a suit. I go buy a fucking suit, right?

Do they even have sizes for you in japan i bought it in america okay i was prepared i brought the suit over there i brought a new pair of shoes i bought the belt i bought the shirt i spent a thousand dollars on the suit the whole thing i'm two thousand deep for jira okay we go to jira right we're running late the shit is in the subway you can't even find it you gotta go through some back entrance it's like you're trying

to get into a nightclub in the 80s like some real crazy shit we're running mad late shorty got on heels and shit she's like you're rushing too

we should go this and I developed a cool way to tell her to shut up without saying shut up I just go ba ba ba ba ba ha ha ha ha

that's not nice that's not nice shut up is like aggressive but if you go they don't really know what to do they just stop son i had to improvise. We were about to be late. You can't be late. That's what she and my girl were doing. You cannot be fucking late to a $1,000 dinner.

He's a Japanese. He don't got no fucking flexibility. They've never been late in their whole life. Okay? These are very principled, formal people. Okay? I pull up in. I pull up in.

I pull up in. I pull up in. Okay? We finally get there. Three minutes up in. I pull up in. I pull up in, okay? We finally get there. Three minutes to spare. We sit down. Thank God we got it, okay? Would you like me to take your jacket?

The girl at the door says, I didn't even get to show Jiro. I didn't get to show him my blazer yet. You know what I mean? But I reluctantly give the double breasted. So Jiro never saw a double breasted. We sit down ready for sushi keep in mind i know some of you look at me right now like i don't know sushi at all i'm some white motherfucker i don't understand these things but you know what i did that day i went to the fish

market from jiro dreams of sushi oh yeah that morning 6 a.m and you know i did immediately after i saw the fresh tuna get caught i went to one of the restaurants at the old fish market that has the fresh tuna. And I had sushi for breakfast. I had the best sushi I ever had in my entire life. That morning? That morning. The recommendation from our homeboy, Tao, that came to the podcast. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

When I tell you this sushi was incredible, you never had it in your entire life. And there's something different with tuna than everything else. The fish tuna is like that steak, butter. It is butter on rice. You never experienced tuna. Like the tuna we have here and the salmon, you know how they're almost interchangeable? Yeah.

Tuna is so unique in texture and flavor from every other fish that you've tried, you see why they're obsessed with it. I had the best sushi I ever had in my entire life. I doubled down. I ordered another round. And I heard the Japanese guy, That was Japanese?

Honestly, Japanese is the weirdest language. Bro, I'm telling you. It's, listen, of course you think that you always think about that. But it's more melodic. That's how you say Grand Hyatt. Right? That's where you stay? Son, I don't speak no Japanese. Yes, I don't speak no Japanese, but I heard little words.

You basically just say condiments. Condiments. Honey mustard! Right? Son, you walk into the restaurant, I don't know what they're saying, but they're like, honey mustard! Ketchup! Honey mustard!

Ketchup! Mayonnaise! You just say condiments. They just scream at condiments. They understand it. I don't know what's going on. I tried a sushi that morning, Akash. I tried a sushi that morning. Iash. I tried a sushi that morning.

I prepared myself a sushi. I took a nap. Son, I wasn't about to go to Jiro tired. I took a nap. I put on a suit. Pressed. I had that shit hanging for three days. Put it in the shower.

I put the shirt in the shower to get the wrinkles out. Come on, bro. It's Jiro. He dreams of sushi. put it in the shower put the shirt in the shower to get the wrinkles out yeah alright that's what's up come on bro it's Jiro he dreams of sushi that's what you nabbed it you nabbed to dream of sushi I was dreaming of sushi too

I was dreaming of it I show up to this I sit down no jacket I sit down I look up I see Jiro.

I'm like, wow, he looks great still. And then I realize. Oh, fuck. It was actually his son. That's a problem. Now, the son who was in the documentary. I'm like, my, he's aged. But this is still awesome that I at least get the son.

Because Jiro's 94 years old. I was worried he wasn't even going to be there. So I was like, boom, we got the son from the documentary. We're good. I look to his left, and there's Jiro. What? Jiro and his son. I got the double whammy.

Oh, you're hyped. I'm fucking hyped. Can we get you something to drink? Green tea? I know better. I looked at the rules Don't order alcohol It's disrespect I sit down

Shorty sits down Green tea Green tea right there Piping hot Piping hot You're even more excited I'm so excited But it was so hot

I tried to drink I had to put it back down Let it cool off I had to let it cool off. It was so piping hot. It was piping, bro. What was it? Piping, bro.

Son, it was piping, right? We get the first piece of sushi, right? I put it in my mouth. I take two bites. Almost threw up on Jiro's son. Almost threw up on Jiro's son. The wasabi started to crawl down my nose. Okay?

The wasabi is crawling down my nose. I'm trying to hold it in, and then I realize if I don't suck this back, I'm going to throw up all over Jiro's son. So I go. I suck all the horseradish or whatever the wasabi he made out of back up into my nose. I'm like, okay, maybe that's expanding our palate. He's just setting the tone.

Right? I take another sip, piping hot fucking green tea. Boiling hot green tea point it down next piece of sushi comes right away it's once you're in there you're fucking in there

it's on convey your belt take it we don't use chopsticks we read you use your fingers hum second piece of sushi

more wasabi when I tell you I almost left the restaurant To throw up I'm being 100% honest with you Keep in mind I had fresh sushi from the fish market this morning No issue

This is something specific to Jiro Two pieces in Almost threw up Take another sip of the green tea. Boiling hot. Just molten lava. Just my whole mouth is burned. My tongue is burned.

Everything's burned. But you know what? I'm actually grateful because now I can taste the wasabi less that my whole mouth is burned. Right? A guy comes up. He starts about to pour more green tea into my cup. Right? Green tea?

Right? I go, no, no, no, thank you, no thank you. He looks at me in front of my shorty, in front of Giro, in front of Giro Jr. And he goes, oh Oh it's a free. I just paid a thousand dollars. You think I can't afford. Whatever the fuck the cost. Of a little extra green tea would be. To say that to me.

Was mind boggling. Mind boggling. No. I want to cool down. They don mind-boggling. Mind-boggling. No, I want it to cool down. They don't understand anything out there. Nobody speaks English in Japan. Go through the rest of the sushi. Ten of them were edible. The other ten, horrific.

Horrific. Inedible. You couldn't eat it. Even if you could eat the wasabi, it just didn't taste good. Did she like it? Hated it. Really?

Hated it. Hated it. What I don't understand is each piece was just covered with wasabi? They hid it underneath. I don't know what happened. Dude. Honestly, I don't.

Listen, I wasn't around for Pearl Harbor. I promise you. It was not as bad as what I had to go through on behalf of the Japanese. On behalf of the Japanese. As I'm eating this, I'm like, internment camps, yes. Round them up. Put them in the camp. Why do you let... This is poison.

You're poisoning a human being here. Son, $1,000. They just give the suicide bombers wasabi, so they'd rather crash a plane than take them out. In a heartbeat, dude. Dude, I could not fucking believe it, bro. Had Tal been to Giro? Had you heard from other people that it's not that great?

We go to a bar right afterwards, this bar called High Five, where they just make a cocktail for you based on what you like. You just tell them a few things and they just potion up a cocktail. It was really impressive. The first thing we said was, yeah, we just came from Giro and the guy goes, didn't like it, huh? Wow.

Everybody that goes there afterwards says the same thing. It's a bullshit marketing ploy. Don't go. Don't waste your money. The best sushi you'll have is in Tokyo, and you can walk into any sushi restaurant and get it. Don't waste your money on that fucking shit. My guy, Permian Pete, he came to the Flagrant 2 podcast

And it was a great time Because we love Pete And he's so Italian The motherfucker You know what I'm saying? There's not a lot of relationships I enjoy more than my relationship With Premium Pete

Where all I do is try to belittle Everything he does And all Andrew does is say to belittle everything he does, and all Andrew does is say gay shit to make him uncomfortable. And it was just really funny. Pete randomly dropped into the studio for like, it was supposed to be 10 seconds, and then we just dragged him onto the podcast and had, again, I thought just such a funny, fun riff with Premium Pete.

So check it out. Here's Premium Pete's drop-in on Flagrant 2. Premium! Get in there, get in there. I know it. Pete's drop-in on flagrant to we don't have the mic on do we come say hi come say hi just say hello come say hi what up son you know fashion look at text on little brother let's go man come bend down a little bit so you're in the frame. So you're in the frame. We don't do pause here. We do fast forward. This is premium.

Is there anything we want to say? What's up, internets? Nothing. Listen, the last couple episodes have been on fire, man. Thank you. I really like it, man. I appreciate it. Lisa Ann one, you seem to get your little dick hard.

Indians don't got big dicks. They don't have big dicks? No. They don't? I haven't tried to tell people, man. They don't believe us. It's a lie. It's a lie, bro. No, you think that your dick don't have big dicks? No. They don't? I haven't tried to tell people, man. They don't believe us. It's a lie. It's a lie, bro.

No, you think that your dick is bigger than our cotches? Absolutely. Are you 100% sure? You got 10 inches? Italians. Solid Poland spirit. I bet nobody wants to know this,

but Italians... You gotta speak into the microphone. Italians, bro, these mics are actually good that they can hear me. Just speak into the microphone. Italians are known to be good lovers.

Yeah. You know? Now, Dominicans and Puerto Ricans, they're good to be good lovers yeah you know now Dominicans and Puerto Ricans they're good to be good pussy eaters right but Italians are very good romantic

like okay what the fuck are you talking about this is what we're talking about what's up your penis Peter okay look ready I want to know do you think you have a bigger hog

than that guy right there absolutely there's one way we can find out I mean this how many patrons do you have to get to the end of the world? Listen, 7500 patrons No, no, where are you at now? Wait for it

7500 patrons You suck Akashi's dick Wait for it, wait for it, bro Wait for it, wait for it He sucks your dick too It's 69 and whoever gives up first Okay? Whoever gives up, whoever gags first.

How do you do this every week? I'm just saying. I go to church a lot. I thought we were going to have a dick measuring concert. We are with your throat! It's the best measurement! That's the best way to measure a dick! Yabba dabba doo! It's a gag ruler. This is the way I measure

my dick. You know the cable vision remote? Yeah. Yeah, you take the batteries out of that. You won't go into that shit. I passed that. I take the batteries out of that! You need to jump, son. It's too late. Get over here, son.

You in the fucking frame. Sit on Andrew's lap. Come on. Let's not get comfy. Come on. Sit on his lap. You guys are bad friends. Guys, stop it.

Can you just sit on my mouth? Just get the end of the knee. Just the end of the knee. Sit on my mouth, son. That's it. This is what happens. What happens? You're going to like this.

That's what's going to happen. You're going to fucking like it. You got a lot of gray in your beard. I'll bring back the black hair. You just got to sit on my mouth. Who do you know is going to be sitting on the mouth? Alex. Alex already done his time.

Wow. It's Sweden, bro. Wow. That was... There's an international tour coming up for Andrew Schultz. Yeah. Okay, tell them where you're going. All right.

I'm going to go right to your gooch. I'm going to start right there. I'm going to work it up. But does anyone understand what's happening? Alex is going back out into the wild. I don't understand what's happening at all. Oh, God. That is true.

That is true. Do you trust them? I don't know how I'm going back over to you. First of all, don't let them distract us from what's going on, okay? We're talking about you guys sucking toes. Okay? Don't adjust your shirt. Take your fucking jacket off.

Let's feel that meat. No, there's two evenly-linked tables. There's two evenly-linked tables. We got a pen right here. Just roll it out. You just took a sip of that water, okay? You just made your throat a-slippin'-slidin'. The jacket's coming off. Why are you taking off clothes, Pete? Oh, shit! Okay, you just made your throat a slip and slide

Jackets coming off Okay, so I'm ready! What you talking about, son? He's like, no need to convince me! Akash is about that life, bro. Has he ever had an Italian? Has he ever had an Italian? Have you ever had an Italian? Nah, son! I'm not gay, dawg. Stop saying weird shit.

Why you trying to hit on me? You were the one talking about fucking- You were the one talking about fucking- You walked in and talking about sucking cocks and fucking guys! I know you did time, dawg. Don't let it get to you. It was a good time. Stop taking it with you. It was a good time stop taking it with you

that was a good time no but for real Pete we need to have an intervention with all your gay jokes because what we try to do on this show is we try to have a very straight

heterosexual show and every time you come in here I feel like you're always talking about being romantic with men's mouths this is true this is three for three

at this point am I wrong I don't see why you're wrong before this we're just sitting here we're talking right we're talking about LaVar Ball we're wrong. Before this, we're just sitting here. We're talking, right? We're talking about LeVar Ball.

We're talking about LeVar Ball. You come in here and immediately it's like, I want to gobble some fucking dicks. You're just talking about gobbling dicks. You see, this is the first time ever. Don't go nowhere. This is the first time ever Switchgears has been used sexually. Try your hardest. I want you to try your hardest

to have a conversation with us okay without talking about spitting on a dude's chest and rubbing your balls on him I never did that see that's the problem it's so vivid

that's the problem what a vivid what a vivid you've seen this you've done this a lot you go away you go away he just mops his balls

on the chest like a car wash just just lands like that. Pete, you walked right into this, man. That's a new topic. Yeah, it's time. He's sweating.

Dude, your back is sweaty, bro. It's because it's hot in here. It's hot in here. Real talk. So can we have a conversation that has nothing to do with gay sex? Is that possible? But you have to tell him in black. That's all I'm asking. Dude. Just for framing purposes. He's not gay, bro. Andrew Claus. So can we have a conversation that has nothing to do with gay sex? Is that possible? That's all I'm asking.

Just for framing purposes. He's not gay, bro. I'm Andrew Claus. Andrew Claus! I'm here all night. Dude, okay. So, alright. You were saying something. Remember, we were texting something on the phone. You were saying you... What was it about? You were like, we should do ass... What was it? What was the exact thing you were saying you, what was it about? You were like, we should do ass to ass. What was it? What was the exact thing you were saying?

It was ass to ass? Was that the thing? Oh, ass to mouth? How do you get sucked in? What the fuck? Put your hands on the table so I listen. I don't understand how he gets sucked in when you usually want sucking. What do you mean ass to?

What are you talking about? You're in the whirlwind. You're in the whirlwind. You're in the whirlwind. Don't leave us, Pete. You're in the whirlwind. Okay, real talk. Don't go nowhere. Okay, good.

We're getting on your knees, aren't we? Hey, that one's all good. What are you praying for on your knees, Pete? God, I don't know the response to that one. What do you say when you say Alhamdulillah? I don't know, son. Shake it with me and do your job. Cooked aloha. Cooked aloha is the name.

Head of Shah. Head of Shah. That was funny. Pete, shut the fuck up, dog. What you over here yammering about, dog? What the fuck? Take the up, dog. What you over here yammering about, dog? What the fuck? I'm still talking, son.

Take the knee, son. What the fuck are you saying? All right, we're sharing the money. Listen, listen. Let's talk to me, son. Prima Peter's on one knee with his arm over Andrew's lap right now. Talk to me, son. I was trying to make a point before he got hostile.

We're like 66% of the way where we want to get there. What we should do is... Hold on, hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Let's set up something where me and Akash have like an MMA fight. How about we do this? How about we do this?

You guys get hard and try to stick your dick as far as you can into a Subway sandwich roll. Okay? And then we'll see at which point the dough stops moving out of the way. And that's the guy who has the longer dick. That's true.

And then we'll use it for a sandwich and eat it. All right. Wait, no? No? And that's the guy who has the longer that's true, and then we'll use it for a sandwich and eat it Listen you walked into this What the fuck did you think you were walking into? I'm gonna fight. I'm gonna mud wrestle this fuck. You understand? You will be mud wrestling. That's what it's called. When you put your face in that butthole. How you always try to not be gay and then say some wild gay shit? Yeah, you really be saying that. Mud wrestle bro? Nah, nah, nah. Yeah, yeah, do MMA.

Don't you wanna lick the chicken gizzard? MMA fighters don't mud wrestle bro. I'm not wrestling. I'm doing mud you want to lick the chicken gizzard? MMA fighters don't mud wrestle, bro. I'll mud wrestle. I do a little mud wrestling. You mud wrestle like for real? When you're fucking dudes? No, I do mud wrestle. You've done it before? You've mud wrestled before?

No, no, no. But I'll do it straight out the mud. That's what we'll call it. Oh, straight out the mud. Okay, that's good marketing. Okay. As opposed to straight in the butt like you normally do. Yo.

I wish he was away with me. Real talk? Yeah, but you do. Wait a minute. By away, but you do! Oh, wow! Wait a minute, by away, do you mean like a trip to Cancun, or do you mean like a... In the penitentiary. When I had my times back in the day, what'd I do? I paid my service to...

Paid your debt to society. Yes, there we go, Cas. Thank you, Cas. If he was there, he would've been used as a rag doll. Mmm. He said your butt is currency, Cas. Stop hitting on me, Pete! God damn, son!

I'm not a fuck! You know what? Yeah, tell me son I'm not a fuck Yeah tell me Tell me Hold on This is what you call a date? I need a testament Yeah yeah yeah Go go go

No I'm just saying You know the jail Would have been different I'm gonna start Whacking off right now Sit down Sit down Sit down

Sit down Sit down Sit down Sit down Just fucking relax Bro okay Keep talking No tell What would happen at jail. What do you think would happen at jail? No, if Akash was there, I'm just saying he would he would bring a different flavor right in the position.

He got right in the position. Keep going, Pete. Keep going. Pete, keep going. Keep telling us your story. Pete, Pete, we want to hear the prison story. Your underarm hair

is mad long. Pete, we want to hear your prison story. His underarm hair is mad long. Pete, Pete, we want to hear your prison story.

Hold on. We want to hear your prison story. All right, all right, all right. All right. Breaking down the best moments of the podcast this year is damn near impossible,

but we tried anyway. So clearly, if there's anything we forgot, hit us in the comments section, whether it's in YouTube, Discord, Patreon, Instagram, Twitter, whatever. Hit us up. But thank you guys so much for supporting us throughout this year. 2019 was massive for each and every one of us. Akash, Andrew, and Alex, myself. And, you know, there's more to come, as you can tell, in 2020.

So thank you for rocking with us for the past two and a half years, I think. Jeez, it's crazy. And, yeah. You know what I realized doing this Best Of episode? Is that we're the fucking greatest. The rest of your podcasts suck dick. They're not that funny. We hard body. Hard moments.

This is the free episode. Patreon moments are going to be funnier, but you ain't signed up yet, bitch ass. You give away that crack for free. For free, motherfucker. It's not free. We got a best of Patreon. Y'all got to pay for that. I want y'all to know, y'all patrons, y'all gave me a house. Non-pat of patreon y'all gotta pay for that I want y'all to know

y'all patrons y'all gave me a house non-patrons y'all helped a little bit too you know whatever but patrons real shit

I owe y'all for real a home thank you thank you for not making Akash homeless thank you for getting Andrew a

multi-million dollar comedy special thank you for getting Alex to quit his police gig thank you for Edding for not fucking with turkeys anymore.

I don't know. That doesn't make sense. But honestly, sincerely, Asshole Army, we love you. See you in 2020. And if you thought 2019 was something, you ain't seen shit yet. No easy buckets. Water cooler commentary for your sports needs analysis by assholes god bless