Andrew Schulz's Flagrant with Akaash Singh - Whitney Cummings Is Officially GAY

Episode Date: April 4, 2023

WHATS UP PEOPLE. This week we have the brilliant Whitney Cummings in the studio to discuss the OnlyFans Roast of Bert Kreischer, her mothers recent passing, and her recent love affair with a woman. This episode is a wild ride. INDULGE! 00:00 Andrew watched the Bert Kreischer roast + Flagrant are dorks 04:21 Andrew is Hypocrites + Hollywood is alive 10:35 Whitney is trans + dating a woman 13:43 Birth control impacts EVERYTHING 16:06 U Penn didn't take Epstein money + Roasting Prince Andrew's daughter 28:53 Losing both parents really affects you + child actors is weird 32:20 Whitney is a great kisser + lingerie etiquette 36:01 Tuning up the chest + dating tall women and bald men 38:25 Censoring self because didn't want to hurt parents 40:46 Workaholism + processing grief + babysitters were molesting 48:02 Whitney smashed out a virgin + animal activism 01:00:40 Success early delays growth + processing Hollywood + Shirley Temple 01:03:16 Taking a hiatus + 2 hobbies = fencing, archery and quilts 01:15:15 Stand-up growth + we love you, Whitney 01:24:41 People turning up for Whitney 01:29:42 Supporting everyone including those that hate you 01:33:20 Whitney's OnlyFans are for dirty jokes 01:42:10 The Beatles suck + evolving with your art + Dane Cook was that guy 01:51:46 Dave Attell is a beast + wanting to repackage nostalgia + references 02:00:32 Movie theaters + comedy and romcoms won't work in theaters 02:07:42 Nepobabies + MeToo moments + Chet Hanks handled it the best 02:14:36 Bring back beating white kids + coping with being humbled 02:21:21 Women talk too much + wanting to find out bio-age 02:25:00 Roast of Whitney Cummings is coming

What's up, everybody, and welcome to Flagrant, and today we are joined by the hottest thing on OnlyFans. We have Whitney Tidd. Pushing that meat wallet for $5 a month, so check it out. No, you just said that I didn't watch any of the roasts. No, I just— Is that what you just said? I just said— What did you just say?

That I didn't watch one minute of the roasts? No, I said I sent you a link, and I— Just tell me what you just said? I just said. What did you just say? That I didn't watch one minute of the roast. No, I said I sent you a link. Just tell me what you said. Don't do the golden retriever outside the car window on the highway face. Let's just talk to each other. I love that you just called me a dog. No, because when you think I'm setting you up for something, you do this thing where you're like this. No, this is just how I look best in the light.

I'm getting older, Andrew. Oh. But what's your biological age? Yeah, that's true. But what's your bio age, though? Let's figure that out. That's pre-reservatrol. Okay, let's...

You said I didn't watch one minute of The Roast. That's what you said. You're mocking that biological age. Let's not pretend that you have become a complete fucking dork. I listened to your last episode

where you guys were like, we're talking about why women are more admitted into college more and that men don't... Who gives a shit? When did you guys become such, we're talking about why women are more admitted into college more and that men don't. Who gives a shit? When did you guys become such dorks? Who cares? Free tape!

I'm team Andrew Tate, bro. Dude, I was down when you guys were like hanging out with Alex Jones and the fake porn star from North Korea. And now you guys are like, the fake porn star. That was like three weeks ago. I don't know. Now you guys are like, and the Pew Research? That was like three weeks ago. I don't know.

Now you guys are like, and the Pew Research study says that incels, like who cares? Are you fancy incels? I'm getting shots from Whitney for no reason.

I love Sagar, dude. I love Sagar. Sexual tension, I think. But it's just like, it's a lot of statistics. Like who does these studies? Like we're all just like, okay.

It's just like, it's like dork gossip. Yeah, yeah. Didn't you put a whole movie out called The Female Brain that was just like the girl version of what you just said? Are you asking a rhetorical question given the fact you're in the movie? Now you went Down syndrome, Nick.

You have two versions. It's Golden Chamber Down syndrome. She just pops her tits out to distract everyone. You said I didn't watch a minute of The Roast. I did watch The Minute where you started crying for no fucking reason. And you gave Burt the same compliment you give every man in comedy, which is, you didn't try to rape me. I can imagine like three men. Listen, every time you say that to me, you say it to Rogan, you say it to Burt.

You're like, I trusted you. Who else would I, you're the three guys that are like my brothers. Nobody wants to rape you in comedy. It's just in acting. First of all, okay, okay. In comedy, we're good. Okay, I don't need someone yelling at me about rape with that mustache.

Every time I have someone has attempted to rape me. What a funny thing to scream at a woman, nobody wants to rape you. And you're like, stop saying that. Except fucking shiny Luigi over here. By the way, no one wants to rape me. I you're like, stop saying that. Except fucking shiny Luigi over here. By the way, no one wants to rape me. I've never felt more violated. In comedy.

I have never felt more violated than you trying to move my microphone around for 20 minutes before this show started. That was like so... Is she really going to do that? Are you really going to do that? That's wild. She literally gave a whole speech

about how there's no Me Too situation. Our poor sound guy Shub. He is poor. They do not pay him. I can tell. Literally broke. Why was he terrified of my tits? He was terrified that you were going to do exactly what you just did.

He thought you were going to scream. Oh, the mic guy was trying to rape me. Why would I? Because you did. First of all, no one can rape me. I don't say no. I'm unrapable. We tried to tell you that. You're unrapable. No, that's not true. I don't say no. I'm unrapable. We tried to tell you that.

You're unrapable. No, that's not true. You took it so personally. I think guys could do it. I wouldn't do it, and I think comedians respect you, and we would not do it. Yeah, Andrew Strong, you've been on peptides. I feel like you could fight. I feel like-

You do. Can I say, objectively speaking? Sure, sure, sure, sure. You are annoying. No, no. Objectively speaking I said I think you're in great shape

You are Your biological age Has got to be at least I don't know Fucking good It's got to be good What is it What is it

You're like I think your biological age Can I be honest 27 if you're a great man I think that your biological age They give it to you in dog years? Biologically. Keep your head out the window.

Well, there's no context for the biological age thing. Look how dominant you have to be. What do you mean? What is this? Just showing up to people's places, pushing your tits in front of an Indian guy. Can I tell you what's happened to you? Tell me something. Tell me something. I got a lot of lectures from Andrew. Hollywood's

dead. The movie business is dead. It's over. Until he starts getting offers to be in movies, in which case it's not dead. I'll move anything around to go to Atlanta for two hours to wait in a trailer for five minutes of screen time next to that guy.

Much less than five minutes. Next to that third lead on Modern Family. So now, he used to be cool. Now he went into Hollywood where everything is all whackward. Sure, backwards and whack. And now all of a sudden he's like, I'm Hollywood guy. Listen, you're right. You're right. I did it. I'm a Hollywood guy. Listen, you're right. You're right.

I did it. I found a way. He's a Hollywood guy, but every movie he shoots is in Canada, Calgary. Where is this shit coming out, dude? Is this shit for fucking Tubi? Yes! No, it isn't. Well, kind of.

Tubi got the rights to it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you realize every movie that we're doing, dude, the sound of movies. Like, I will not do a production that is on a stream. You're on OnlyFans. I know. Listen to me, though. You're on OnlyFans. How about this?

At least they're words. Okay? Hulu. Voodoo. Tubi. Voodoo. Like, Voodoo is the new network. Like, what the fuck?

Is that how you keep your SoYoungVoodoo? Is that what you've been doing? I mean, look, bitch. I got that Voodoo pussy. No, but, bitch. I got that voodoo pussy. No, but, like, I'm not doing shows for sounds. Voodoo to be only fans, at least their words. Like, because I feel like at this point Hollywood is just, like, naming their networks. Just try a different argument.

There's a better argument than the sounds. Like, just try a different argument. All of it is just sounds. Just because you don't know the name of these networks because they Netflix, HBO what it just has to be letters yeah but

Amazon where are you with that that's a word Amazon's a word but you know Amazon has taken Saudi money Apple's taken Saudi money oh my god

you're on a sex trafficking site do you think every girl on that site is 18 years old it's crazy to take a moral stance stopping angry because you got married at the wrong time.

I got married at the right time. My biological age is 64. I have 20 more good years on this earth. I get married now. By the way, if Montclair was a person. Do you guys know Montclair? How did he get so old? Do you guys know Montclair?

That's how old that reference is. This used to be a place where people would go. It's a city. Yeah, it's Jersey. I shot my special in Newark. We stayed in Montclair. I lived in Jersey when I was broke. What's up with you?

What's up with you today? You want to fight with me today. It's not like this. I didn't want to fight. You want to fight with me today. We always do fight. I think, I think. I'm on OnlyFans TV.

Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm on OnlyFans TV. And this is on your- Oh, I'm so sorry. By the way, this is- I'm so sorry. This is your- I'm on Playboy TV. I'm supportive of this. I want you to go more porno. I always thought that that was where your strengths lie.

I do believe that. You know what I mean? And I got upset because you're obviously- Are you in a relationship? What's going on? Why do you look at me with these faces like it's difficult? She can't control that. Is listening hard for you?

This is what it looks like when you're listening. This is you listening, right? This is you. I'm not talking. What do I do with my face while the other people talk? She's been hanging out with the Whitney robot too long. That's what it is. That's the problem.

This is how you age. They're too reactive when you're listening. Even right now, you're trying to not do it. I know. Now I'm kind of. And you're just cursing your lips like this. I know. I'm just like. This is how you listen, right?

You just go like this. You love roasts. You should have done the roast. I should have. Or he should have watched it. I don't know. We don't know if I didn't watch a minute of it. Well, based on the way you're, my guess is you like.

You came out here projecting insecurity that I did not watch it. It's sad. I, if usually when people are projecting, they're doing this to the other person. That's what you've been doing to me. Yes, I am projecting. It's okay if you didn't watch it. Do you think I didn't watch it? Well, I mean, I flew out here to talk about, you know, it's, you know, it's fine if you didn't. Do you think I didn't watch it? Well, I mean, I flew out here to talk about it.

You know, it's fine if you didn't. Do you think I didn't watch it? I know you're very busy. Do you think I didn't watch it? No, because it's, you wouldn't, like, I don't know. You can't turn your phone.

Maybe you got confused. I don't know. Maybe you tried to watch it, but it just, it plays regular. There's no, like, turn your computer. It's just like, maybe you didn't know what to do with your hands.

I don't know. I'm not sure. Yes, I did watch it. I did watch it. And can I tell you, also, like, I just miss roasting. Like, I've had to, like, the only places I'm able to do, like, hardcore roast jokes now at this point are, like, corporate gigs. Like, dude, I love doing corporate gigs because it's also, like, it's a big business for more like female comics because you know like being a stand-up as a woman it's not a really it's not a business it's not it's not a viable yeah tell us how hard it is like I'm not saying

it's hard tell us how hard it is to be a female comic like that's what we love to listen to I'm saying I think it's hard to be so tough on the road no it's not what I fucking said what are you doing I tell you to go back to the hotel. No one, no bitch. This is so different than being a woman anywhere else in life.

How is being comic on the road any different than just going out to a bar? I always hear this from female comics. They're like, guys always try to go back to your hotel.

And it's like, look at the face again. You're listening again. You put on your listening face. You're just putting words in my mouth. I would rather, I'd rather you look at me

and just think about like a dog bone. Just think about a bone. Just think about a bone. Think about your happy face and then look like this when I'm talking to you. Okay? Listen, it's tough being a female commentator. Is this like the new Adderall? Is this like the new Adderall?

Is this the new batch? I want Adderall. I feel like you got a wonky batch. No, I got it. I'm on three zins. What's a zins? Oh, this is like the nicotine. Nicotine, yeah. Okay, got it.

And peptides. Okay, the peptides. So more testosterone. No, I take it for estrogen. But peptides naturally makes more testosterone. No, no, no. I want more estrogen. I want to be able to connect with you.

You're full of fucking estrogen, dude. Really? Not at all. You know what? You're going to love this. Not at all. Seriously. I'm dating a girl.

Oh, God. I know. Did he transition? The vet? Well, you know what's weird? The vet transitioned? I think I might be a trans man. Oh, goodness gracious.

Like, how would you know if you were a trans man? Listen, if you want to be back in Hollywood, there are other ways to go. Just there's other ways. It's not like super. I mean, you've seen me. You've seen me date a lot of men that are way more feminine than any woman I've had. I like the last guy you were dating. The veterinarian.

In order to get like masculine energy in LA, you just have to date a woman at this point. I will say this. You told me he was a vet and I thought that you were dating like a veteran. Yeah. And then I saw him and then I was like, oh, it's the other vet. But it was still, like, a nice guy. Yeah, she would find a guy that had his legs blown off so he couldn't run away. That sounds like something she would do.

I could see you doing that. I could see you doing that. It's the only way to get a man that has guns in this country. Can you imagine? I mean, there are other places you can move. In LA, I'm like, do you have a gun? Guys are like, no. And I'm like, I just can't.

I don't know. I know it's, like, a problem in America. Do you have a gun? I have one in my house. It's not loaded, though. I have no bullets on premises. That shit is funny. I would have. So you have a gun? Guys are like, no. And I'm like, I just can't. I don't know. I know it's like a problem in America. Do you have a gun? I have one in my house. It's not loaded, though. I have no bullets on premises. That shit is funny. I would have.

So you have a problem. What? Well, no, but it's like if you have a problem at your house. So when I dyed my hair fucking blue, I got all these guys that, I guess there's some anime video game where there's a girl with blue hair and then all these anime dorks, they put on headsets and they thought we were married or in a simulation together or something. So a lot of dorks would start showing up in my house because my shit was on Reddit or whatever. And so, you know, LAPD, I mean, the whole thing is like you don't really need like a BB gun I have loaded.

But if you have a gun like that solves half of your problem. I feel like you're having four different conversations with yourself right now. You know what? First of all, how dare you? I came in here. I'm being attacked by you motherfuckers. I'm trying. Attacked?

You sat down. You said I went hot. I didn't say anything. You said my Indian friend tried to molest you. Of course I'm going to say something. I said the opposite. I can't get anyone to molest me anymore. When going on to movie sets, TV sets, sound guys won't touch you.

You're dating a girl? Yeah. I mean, it, movie sets, TV sets. You went to women, huh? Sound guys won't touch you. So wait, you're really dating a girl? Yeah, I mean, it's like, my mom just died. Don't do the mom died thing and now we got to feel bad. But I don't, you did that. I feel great about it. Don't do that. It's a relief. I'm glad my mom died.

Don't do that. She was a, it was not, didn't love me much. Welcome, yo. Yeah, dude. Welcome to the club, yo. My mom was an asshole, dude. Really? Yeah, she put me into like modeling when i was a teenager like i look back at pictures you were beautiful and you're you know

why'd you say word why'd you come on no no i just said word actually we're rogan and i were talking about this to be honest with you about how stunning every now and then rogan because we have such a platonic relationship it was totally plat was totally platonic. Every now and then, like, one of my guy friends will be like. Tell us about it. Like, well, no. Like, you're, like, pretty. And I'm like, what? Yes, yes.

You're a very beautiful woman. That's very nice. But now you're sliding that meat over to a girl, right? Like, what's the deal with that? Well, no, it's not, like, super serious. It's just, like, grief does wild shit. Do you know what I mean? Well, this kind of proves a theory I've always had about you, which is you just want company.

Interesting. To run a company? No. I just want company. You just want company. You just want something around. You know what I mean? And it's just like something that kind of fits your schedule, fits your lifestyle, fits everything.

But you don't want to be completely dependent on that person. I think it's going to be different now. And there's a couple things. Also, I just went off birth control. I was on birth control for 20 years. You're 63 years old. What do you mean birth control? What is the point of taking birth control?

I've been on birth control. So what birth control does is it makes your body think you're pregnant. So number one, you keep on weight. So now I think that's part of the reason that I- You got shredded. And it makes you hypervigilant, paranoid. You smell pheromones differently. So you're attracted to a different kind of man.

They always say before you marry someone, you should make sure they go off birth control for at least a year before you get married to make sure you're still attracted. It's just progesterone, right? Well, they're all kind of different. The one that I had was the moraine IUD because I had such bad migraines. But I didn't realize, because when you're pregnant, think about it, it makes sense. You would biologically want to be attracted to someone that's more of a risk taker, someone that would be sort of more of a protector. So it's like I was fucking with guys with like-

Less of a risk taker. No, no, no, no. You would want for the father of your child, maybe, but you would want someone that would be able to protect your child. Yeah, but risk taker, he could die and then I got to raise his kid alone. Someone that can also fight for your kid, that kind of thing. And then I was just attracted to such more extreme, intense people, addicts, motorcycles, shit like that. Veterinarians?

When did you get on? Who's he talking about? Who's a rock climber, too? Don't do that. Don't you dare do that. It's not a rock climber in the 1700s when we didn't have cables and shit. What's going on? I need to know what's going on.

You come on here. You say you're a big old bull dyke out of nowhere. Hold on. I'm not a bull dyke. Come on. I'm going to take down your diehard poster. What's going on? What's going on at home, Andrew?

You come in. What's going on at home? You come in and you tell me that you're lying about something. What's going on? I need to get to the bottom of this. Are you shooting blanks? Why are you such a grump? Yes.

How am I grumpy? You have some rage at me, Andrew. This is a new kind of rage. This is a good defensive strategy. You come in here, you accuse... Why do I even have to be defensive? This is gaslighting.

This is gaslighting. Do you learn this from your lesbians? Yes. She's been dating women now she knows all the tricks. Now they know how to do it. I've always been a woman. You come in here...

I've always been a woman. What are you talking about?...dating women. Yeah. Yes they know how to do it I've always been a woman You come in here I've always been a woman What do you think about it? So dating women Yeah Yeah This is the first time I've actually dated a woman It's actually just like

A little more like helpful Do you know what I'm saying? Oh God Is this just the first time You've had a female friend? Did you just prove Did you just prove What I'm saying?

I literally said You want to be With some company That can be an assistant to you And then you're like You know what? It's just a little more helpful You know what guys? Let's talk about this you want to be with some company that can be an assistant to you, and then you're like, you know what? It's just a little more helpful having another woman around. Let's talk about something you guys want to talk about. Let's talk about how more women are being admitted to universities these days than men.

How do you feel about it? Where did you go to school? Who gives a shit? UPenn. You went to UPenn? Yes, I did. Dang. Not you.

Ivies. Yep, yep. I like how Andrew has this mustache. It's not long enough to twirl. They count UPenn as an Ivy? Yes, it's very much an Ivy. Really? Not really, though.

Yeah, no, it is like actually an Ivy. It's like Stanford, where it's like, not really, but it's kind of an Ivy. And it's not even like Cornell, you know, where that's like kind of an Ivy. I will say, you, Penn, fucking didn't take Epstein money. Whoa. Only Ivy, I think, that didn't.

They like put out a letter being like, we fucking knew it I was like alright I bet they've definitely done nothing wrong which by the way I uh I bet their endowment is completely clean I got so I got in so much trouble for this I did this corporate event and uh

I always do roast jokes there and Princess Beatrice was there and you know her dad is from what Monaco or something like that no her dad is Prince Andrew the guy that was like in the photo that might have been photoshopped. Fergie and Andrew's daughter. And everybody was, like, so worried that I was going to, like, say something. Which I was like, I have to fucking address this.

Do you know what I mean? It bombed really bad. What was the joke? Well, I was like, you know, Princess Beatrice, I just want you to know, like, I have no judgments, like, about your dad. Like, Epstein Island is actually just a really sensitive subject for me because a lot of my friends died trying to swim there. Funny. That's great. So you're taking Epstein money is actually just a really sensitive subject for me because a lot of my friends died trying to swim there. Funny. That's great. So you're taking Epstein money.

This is perfect. You're making up for your pain. Dude, and then I said, I know that your dad did not go to Epstein Island because my friends Chrissy Teigen and Chelsea Handler told me they never saw him there. Didn't go well. Just silence? Just dead silence. I love that. And then I, like, roasted the Saudis for,is for 10 minutes, just bombed and bombed.

Because it was like, Saudi, I mean, we're now in a full alliance with Saudi. Hollywood is being bought by Saudi. And I was just trying to make the point, this is like, what did I say? It was like, oh, because it was for billionaires. It was like tech billionaires. And I was like, how can Saudi be any worse than what we're doing? Half the people in this room just moved to a desert where women don't have rights. It's called Texas. And if I'm gonna pick which one, I'd rather go to the one where I don't have to work. Texas is better than Saudi. What's that? Texas is better than Saudi.

Yeah, but Saudis, I think they're trying to be cool now. So is Texas. They just found a breakout. Yeah. Wait, do you not like Texas? No, I love Texas. I mean, I was trying to move there a while ago, but- What happened to your finger? I sliced it on something, WD-40. Giving her a girl that come hither. Oh, did you, was it pussy lips? Did you slice it on some fresh pussy lips?

Is that how it happened? Did they let you get first dibs on the OnlyFans? Like right when they turn 18, do you get to look at the pictures? Why do you think that's- Isn't it weird that like the second you turn 18, there's a site like, let's see the pussy for $5. That's a little weird.

Dude, there's really the fucked up shit. Do you remember People Magazine? Fucking two months ago, JonBenet Ramsey was on the cover. Do you remember this? No. Two months ago?

Two or three months ago. And I'm like, what the fuck's going on? It didn't sit right. That shit's never sat right with me. This obsession with JonBenet Ramsey. This baby in lipstick. Who's JonBenet Ramsey?

She was the girl that got a toddler. She got killed. She was like a beauty queen, like as a five year old. She was four. She was on the cover of all the tabloids. No, no, she was just on the cover of it again because she had just turned 18 and on like eight channelship.

No, she didn't. She would have turned 18. She would be 18 like this year. Are we doing would have birthday? How old is Jesus now? No, no, no, no, no. I get it, and that's gross. No, it's gross.

It's gross. It's like pedophiles that are, they did a countdown to when she would be legal, to be saying. But they did that with Hermione, too. Yeah, but why the fuck would they put her on the cover of People magazine?

Yeah, but Hermione actually turned 18. You'll buy it. You'll talk about it. I didn't buy it, but also there was a documentary about it where, like, people,

like, I don't even understand how people think this is okay. Like, there was a Jon Benet Ramsey documentary where they said, you know, cause she got like raped by someone as a baby molested. And then they said they were like, her vagina was three times the size of a normal. Dude, no, you know, it's also crazy. But hold on, hold on. Can I, can I, one more thing. Women are getting into college more than men though. Have you heard about this? This is why they need to go to college. I mean, but it's like but why would the mainstream media think it's okay to this is why women need to go to college

women to go to college don't put their kids in beauty pageants that's a fact right right right so this is why you should promote more women to go to college i feel like you don't promote that at all yeah well i'm not using my platform responsibly is that what you're saying i don't know what the fuck you're doing to be honest with you but it's not that me either it's not that yeah what's like the what do you want me to be doing i want you to focus more on women's empowerment yeah yeah have you had a female all over venice and actually care about what's going on in women's lives and how we can push them to do things that they could never dream of how can you help them do that what happened in calgary i was cold yeah it's really cold and i think the progesterone that

i've been on has been affecting me. There's definitely something up. What is it about it? I mean, you're definitely very pugnacious. I think it's you. I think you bring it out of me. I bring out the worst in you. You make me a little bit more excited.

Why is that the worst? No, it's sweet. I'm more sensitive now. No, I think that we have a very brother-sister dynamic, I think. Yeah, you're so my brother. Is that right? You're so my brother. Do you notice that you're different?

Has your wife said you're different after going on these? Is your sex drive higher? After going to Calgary? No. After being on these peptides. No, I'm not really on peptides. I was just joking. Oh, okay.

Got it. Why? Do you feel like your sex drive was higher? Shit, you went on peptides and became a lesbian. No. That's a good control. You did went on peptides and became a lesbian. No. That's a good control. You did go on peptides and became a lesbian. A lot of everyone in LA is transitioning.

All the babies are gay. I mean, it could be the fetal in the water. Here's my thing. My thing is like, it's just- Whoa, you did the Trump. What? Whoa. What? Whoa.

I did the Trump what? Oh, yeah, he does kind of do that. Whoa, Poet-a-rica. I just feel like I don't need to know, when kids, it's like this is Megan, now Madison, now five different names for the kids, whatever. For me, I grew up poor. Yeah. So when you grow up poor, you're whatever gender your older sibling is. Yeah. You don't get to pick your gender. Yeah.

It's just like, I had an older brother, I wore a hockey jersey to school for two years. So it's like when I see my friends buying nine different skirts and shorts and shit, I'm just like, all right, this just feels like- Yeah. It's like a very elitist thing, I think, in LA. Yeah. And I think people are really gunning for their kid to be trans. Why do you think they want that?

It's because I think it makes them seem more interesting. It's status. Is trans kid the new adopted black kid? Oh, that's interesting. Do you ever see the list of when you adopt kids, the different prices? What is it? If you want to pull it up online, I don't know. Are black kids worth three-fifths of a...

Oh, God. Guys. Compromise? Wow. Well, actually, let's look at the prices. Wasn't that a compromise? That was the compromise. It was the compromise, I believe.

It was. It was. But this is a compromise. What is three-fifths? That is such a weird ratio. So, yeah. No, this is it. This is it.

Let's see it. Okay, here. I'll pull it up. Black kids... This is from... We cost the most? I mean... Epstein exchange rate. We cost the most. I'm all for it. This is it. Let's see it. Okay, here, I'll pull it up. Black kids like cost. I'll pull it up. This is from the Epstein exchange rate. We cost the most. Here, I'm going to pull it up.

I'm all for it. Uh-oh, I lost my mind. No, because then unless y'all get adopted. Which, by the way, Epstein- That's how they get you, bro. That's how they get you. No, but a white kid is expensive. It's a status symbol.

But can I tell you with Epstein, what was the thing? Are we still doing the Epstein thing? No, I'm just kidding. Do people still care about that? It's not that. It's just that I feel like I called this so long ago, but no one believed. Called what? That something was up with Epstein.

Whitney? Do you know why? Whitney. Do you know why? Whitney. What was fishy about Epstein that everybody missed? What was fishy? I don't.

What was fishy, Whitney? Why are you saying my name like I don't know it? Rascal. You're being a scalawag. I am being a little scalawag. why are you saying my name like I don't know it you rascal you're being a scalawag you're being a real scalawag tell me the FC no billionaire dates a brunette Jeff Bezos

married to her well that's not just a brunette wait for it what's the guy who owns Arnaud? How about this? What billionaire dates a blonde? Let's actually talk about it. What billionaire dates a brunette that looks like Janet?

Alania Brunette. That looks like Janet from Three's Company. Beyonce. Beyonce. I don't know if blondes really get there with the billionaires because they don't age that well. I think you need to go brunette because brunette, brunette. Brunette, overtime. Because there's more longevity, 100%.

Or- What's that beautiful Italian actress? Brunettes because they have less of an advantage earlier. I think they work harder to preserve themselves. Do you think? No one takes them to the beach, so they don't get- That felt like you just complimented yourself. It felt like you just really, really complimented yourself. No, I mean, there's something to be said for like, I know that I have to work extra hard without eye cream because I'm brunette. I know I have to work harder in other areas.

Blondes, I know they don't go to the gym. They've got pancake ass. You can be a seven face in a blonde and be a 10. Do you really think that? To be a hot brunette, you have to be like Angelina Jolie. To be a hot blonde, you can be like Julia Stiles. I prefer brunettes. Yeah.

Way prefer. Okay. Like way prefer. Okay. Not even close. Bachelor Party. Cake comes out. Yeah. Stripper comes out of the cake. Brunette.

Yeah. There's a little bit of a like a. No. And we're talking white brunettes here. We're not talking Salma Hayek with Pino and. Oh, I guess I count them as well. But like, but yeah. There is a blonde privilege that like...

The blonde thing lasts for like a four year period. Yeah, yeah. I think when you first become like an adult where you have some freedom, you're like, what's going on with these blonde things? Like they look like elves. It's a little bit, it's a little cool and cute. I went through that phase when I was living in Spain.

I was like, Swedish girls, this is kind of fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But eventually you just kind of grow out of it and you see that like there's way more longevity with the brunette. I also think that like, like was like, Swedish girls. This is kind of fun. But eventually you just kind of grow out of it and you see that like there's way more longevity. I also think that like, like, like, look how well you've aged. Thank you. You're welcome. I feel like you're joking. The fact that you would even say that you feel like I didn't watch your fucking special. I watched the special. You feel like when I compliment you, I'm not telling the truth. You're about to criticize me trying to convince you that I like you and I care about you.

Betterhelp.com. Promo code Whitney. Something's going on. Dude, you as a lesbian, way more sensitive. I don't like it. I like you getting stuffed with dicks. When you were getting stuffed with dicks, you were way more fun. Now you're gaslighting me left and right, grabbing my feet, massaging it.

That's actually alright. That's the great thing about dance. You can just massage right there. One time I called Andrew. Massaging it. I was on my rye around spring. That's the great thing about dance. You can just massage right there. You have a strong hand. Oh, because you play basketball. Yeah. Yeah, and you finger women now.

You're going to the league, baby. You're WNBA material. This is what I... Dude, being a female comic is being in the WNBA. Why? No one wants to see us either. What are you talking about?

If I got stuck in a Russian prison, none of you would care. You'd be like, that's good for her. Yeah. She should. That builds character. I think you would come out on the prison. One of my favorite stories about Andrew ever is I had court side seats to a Knicks game,

and I was like, God, I'm like last minute at like one. I was like, you want to come to the Knicks game? He's like, no, I'm playing tonight in my league. Ball is life, yo. Ball is light. He was super serious about this league for like nine months. This was like seven years ago.

This was like, I was like, not the court side. He's like, no, they need me. A memory came up on my phone of like a clip from when we were playing league

and I spent like maybe a good 45 minutes while taking a shit just looking at my old highlights. I mean, boy, it was balling back in the day. shit just looking at my old highlights. I mean... I mean, your boy was balling back in the day. I couldn't let my boys down.

I might have to do it. We got to make you a hoop mix day. And I was going to sit next to you during the whole game. You're trying to pretend like you know what's going on. Why didn't you go to his game? Why didn't you just get floor seats

to the YMCA? That would have been fine. Basketball City. Basketball City, not YMCA. But it was like, I literally was like, who would enjoy this the most? You know what, Andrew.

But I don't want to hear you get a fake excitement, three seconds, trying to impress everybody with your basketball knowledge when you don't know anything about basketball. I would have been like, oh, have you seen the fucking photo of me in front row? No, I'll stop you right there. Is this on your Holy Fence? Is it like this? Do you right there. Is this on your holy fence? Is it like this? Do you guys want to do this?

I mean, why? Why are you so defensive? Yo, you really have become a woman now that you're a lesbian. I'm not a lesbian. This shit is bothering me. I'm not a lesbian. You told me you came on here. You are so gaslighting.

I feel gaslit. Listen, I can't do this. I can't do this. This is why men don't have lesbian friends. This is why men don't have lesbian friends. This is why men don't have lesbian friends. I'm not a lesbian. You came on here, you say you're dating a girl. What the fuck that make you?

You know what? These shoes are the most, these are the number one bullseye shoes. Deflecting, deflecting. No, I was just trying to. You don't even got shoelaces. You got Velcro. Yeah. Which is what it sounds like when you fucking scissor your lesbian.

That's how we say it. She stole those from Epstein's Island. That's what she got. Come on, seriously, with this lesbian stuff. No, it's literally, I just have not seen you

in a while. Both parents dead. Grief does wild shit. One of them was already dead, to be honest with you. They've all, I mean. Well, not always. No, well, my dad, yeah,

died a couple years ago. Yeah, so I saw you between that. Yeah, yeah. No, I just, I think that when you lose a second parent. I've heard this. It fucks not always. No, well, my dad, yeah, died a couple years ago. Yeah, so I saw you between that. Yeah, yeah, no, I just, I think that when you lose a second parent- I've heard this, it fucks you up. No, well, also, it's in kind of a good way, because also my mom was in a nursing home for the past 12 years, hanging off the side of a bed. I had lived in hospital.

I wasn't able to function as a person, my bandwidth. And I was such a workaholic, because that was the drug, I guess, that I chose. You want to distract yourself from this real thing. Yeah, it just also, it's the guilt and the shame of knowing she's like in a bed. I mean, I think a lot of people go through this like, you know, in nursing homes are like criminal enterprises. I mean, it's like it's I had I had to go in and like, you know, when you're like wiping your mom's ass, like giving her showers. Shit like that's like shit gets like kind of real. And then I didn't really get to have a teen.

I grew up in an alcoholic home, so I had to be a parent very early. So it's, like, I never really got to, like, have a childhood, never really got to have, like, teen years, was working. Like, she put me in, like, modeling, which is, you think about it, like, what the fuck? I was doing, like, maternity catalogs when I was, like, 15. Like, all these, like, boxes. Like, do you ever go through old shit? Like, I'm just, like, what the fuck? I had disassociated, like, so much of it.

And you go back and, like, yeah. Do you resent her for that? It feels like you resent her. You know, it's like, it is what it is. I mean, it's just kind of like, I don't think anyone, like the fact that child labor is illegal in this country, but like child modeling and child acting, like why the fuck are there child actors? Like I look around and I'm like, why does anyone need a kid to be on? Is anyone's like, oh, what's going on with a seven-year-old? You can't even sell groceries until you're 14, but can be in a full but also think about it like the people but also the people

that yeah i mean that's cool it's like a drama about you don't want a bunch of dwarves playing all the kids when people write shows for like teenagers they're like 50 yeah i'm like who's writing the dialogue i've always thought about this with like an svu show where like there's a a girl that gets you gets raped in the show. And she's a 12-year-old or a 9-year-old. And it's like some parent has to go, no, I think that my kid would be good to play this role. Also, by the way, Jim Norton. Who was hilarious on The Rosebud.

Great. Best joke. He does both. Because I did watch The Rosebud. That really hits you sideways. Because it bothered me that you would have that perception of me that I would have watched your show. No, it was just me being insecure and facetious. I didn't think, like I wouldn't have cared either way. Really hurt me.

I don't believe that it did. It really fucking hurt me. I don't believe that it did. You still don't believe that I watched the show? No, I believe you did, but I don't believe it hurt you, but I did hit you sideways. No, it did. It does hurt me. I'm sorry that I did that.

You would have such a negative perception of me. Why can't we think the best of one another? I don't have a negative perception. I just think that you're- I thought the best of you. I thought you were straight. No, I'm sorry that I did that. That you would have such a negative perception of me. Why can't we think the best of one another? I don't have a negative perception. I just think that you're- I thought the best of you. I thought you were straight. No, I'm- Dude.

Turns out. Dude, you cannot trust these hoes. Like, what are you talking about? What did they do? What did they do? Wait, no. No, for me, I think it's just like my mom died. Like, the people that showed up and the-

What do you think about pussy taste? I, we, we're, it's not sexual yet like that. What? Wait, was it the girl you brought over? Is that- I'm telling that- No, no. Was it the agent? No. This is your first female friend. You're not a lesbian.

I think you're right. You just made a female friend. Can I tell you something? When my mom was alive because she was such a malignant narcissist and such a mercurial kind of mess. Great vocabulary, sorry, real quick. Sorry. That was great.

But I really had a hard time with female friendships and then it's really hard being a female comic. I don't believe that. But, like, in comedy, there's so much scarcity complex. Like, a lot of female comics can kind of be, like, nasty. You know, so I kind of was like, now you're right. This might just be my only female friend I've ever had. And I feel like I have to make out with her.

And I think you're gay. Yeah. Hold on. You guys make out? Mm-hmm. And you think you're a good kisser? I think I'm a really good kisser. But-hmm. And you think you're a good kisser? I think I'm a really good kisser, but I think— Does she think you're a good kisser?

I mean, I think. Do you guys mom when you kiss? No. But by the way, by the way, can I tell you— Don't touch me. Do you do that deep, like, breathing thing? Dude, this is my shit. Well, I've had, like, a sinus thing lately, so I'm like—

Do you do that Trump thing when you breathe? Like, bringing it? I gotta be honest with you i have never been like like yeah like back in the day people always be like oh i never want to hook up with your comic like you probably make fun of me and i'm like i have never made jokes during sex like i would never like but now i just think it's like like i really like to keep my eyes open and wait to see if the other person will open their eyes like that's my favorite shit when you're like making wait to see if the other person will open their eyes. Like, that's my favorite shit when you're, like, making out. Yeah. And then the other person

will open and close. And you're like, what was that? Like, I love calling out those weird-ass moments. So you guys are making out, like, in a bed? Um, uh, nah.

Horizontal ever? Have you been horizontal with a woman? Uh, yeah. Well, I mean, like, in college. No, no, no, no. Now, this girl that you're dating. Yeah, kind of,

but it's, like, it's casual. What does she look like? Do I know her name? Uh, yeah, maybe. I know her. No, you'll, yeah. Do I know her's casual. What does she look like? Do I know her name? Maybe. I know her. No. Do I know her? I'll show you after.

Do I know her? No, you don't know her. Have I seen her before? I thought this would land better with you. I thought you would think it's funny. I feel like it's- No, he's very curious if you haven't. Why can't I be serious about something?

Here's why it cannot be gay. The humor comes from being serious. But listen, all female comedians- You have an open wound on your finger, and you are actively just rubbing it on my hand. It's not. I have a Band-Aid on. No, you just miss pointy, hard things. You have such soft hands.

By the way, I've never gotten one hard. My personality handles it. Wait, you've never had a hard penis? No, yes, I have. I think I could never stop dating that. Has a guy ever gotten soft with you? If that happens, if you just cry, you can get it back. Did that really hurt you?

No. I think the times that that's happened. You started crying, did you get heart again? Usually that works. It always works. Because I've come out in lingerie before. Have you ever had a girl come out in lingerie? Not you, because I feel like you're walking like Kramer.

This penis is making me thirsty. So they call me Vaginefeld. Literally come in and fucking seal Vaughn's merch. No, so you come in and lingerie. When you come in and lingerie, when you try really hard, but the guy just wants to get to it, and you're like, I want you to appreciate it, just when there's that set of aspects. What's the right thing to do when a girl comes in a lingerie? That's a great thing that we should get to.

It depends. You first need to ascertain the quality of the lingerie. If it's just some Chinese trash, it's a different conversation. But first, just feel it out and just see if it's something that feels expensive. Just appreciate it for a minute. And also leave it on. How would you like us to appreciate it? Um, what is it in Jay-Z and Drunkenunken love put the panties to the side no time to take

jaws off like leave it on sometimes the idea is leave it on and fuck her with them on oh you leave it on oh got you got you and then you pull it to the side yeah and then you just let that and there's a lot of there is yeah like leave it on if she's wearing like a nice bra and you've seen her tits already, leave the bra on. Oh, got you. Because also, it's like our tits,

like, you know, it's like, well, mine are like fucking crocodile eyes coming out of a pond at this point. Mine stay up, but most,

most, like, because my tits don't move, you know. Crikey! We've got a big one. Yes. Bring the boat up real slow You know This one's jumping Grab the tail

But like if the tits are real When you lay down they sort of disappear You know what I mean But yours don't do that Mine don't mine are fucking at the ready Have you had another boob job recently? No, I'm wearing a wild bra. No, I've had...

I talked about it. No, I talked about it. You? I talked about it my fourth special, I think. I did one and then I had to do a reconstructive one. Wait, why? You didn't reconstruct? I didn't watch my fourth special. Wow. I mean, it was the fourth. You know what I mean? To be fair, the fourth.

First, second, third, maybe, but fourth, bro, you've done enough. It is weird how, like, a fourth special really falls through the cracks. You know what I mean? It's enough, yo. It is kind of like,

feeling the fourth and fifth should have been one. Okay, yeah. Same with boob jobs, actually. No, but I always just feel, like, embarrassed if I'm, like, mentioning something I've already said, like, as if anyone, like,

knows the difference. But no, you have to replace them, I think, every 10 years or something. That's what I heard. I'm due for a tune-up in a bit. But these are the new ones. They're called the gummy bear ones. Oh, yeah. They're like half silicone, half unicorn comb.

That's what they're made of, actually. So, yeah. So these are good ones. I'm into it. Reconstruction. But they're wide instead of big wait a minute you prefer them well because i had scoliosis and i had all this crazy shit and i really bad eating disorders when i was younger because of like the modeling and stuff like i mean i was literally

when i was doing like modeling to be good thing you had those disorders because oh yeah imagine you'd be like six four or something like that Would you ever date a woman taller than you? Anyone? I'm 6'2. I know. Would you ever? No. My height? Yeah. Yeah. I think I could just because my height is like.

Yeah. For you guys. That's a male fantasy. That's like a breeder. That's what guys would call it. Oh, interesting. Can you imagine my son being 5'9? That'd be great. But also like.

Exactly. Towering. The last couple of guys I dated were shorter than me, and I was very into it. Like, very into it. And I think that when I was more insecure or whatever, you're like, oh, I can't date a guy that's shorter than me. But now it's like, I don't know. You're into short kinks. Short kinks.

Do you find that they're more motivated? Well, it's also the same thing with baldness. Like, you know, there was some studies. There's studies that came out. Coming up with all these facts. No, but this is like for realsies that men that are bald, women find more attractive than men that aren't. Because it's like, what? Because they have successful podcasts

that can make their career? Is that why? Interesting how that study came out recently. I don't do it. Duck, duck. Duck, duck. Go forth with those stats. But yeah, but I think that like i don't know it's just i think having death like it's hard to you know unless you're the menendez brothers and

you're just gonna handle it on your own like having two parents die like i highly recommend it oh you felt shit gets like wild like because i didn't even realize push back against it i'm just saying i didn't well i had no choice but i didn't realize how many Hey, push back against that. I'm just saying, well, I had no choice, but I didn't even realize how many of my decisions I was making based on, is my dad going to hear that? If I say this on TV, is my mom going to hear that? I couldn't even say my mom was an alcoholic. My mom didn't love me. I couldn't say it until she died.

And I feel like I think about censorship and comedy, and I was self-censoring the most with my parents because I didn't want to hurt them. It's okay to care about people and not want to hurt them, though. Yeah, I know, but I'm just saying I didn't even realize how bound I was by it, and now I have this kind of freedom. And then you came out and then killed your mom. Exactly. You told her you were gay.

I mean, I'm not gay. I'm a trans man. Dude, don't, wait a minute, argue? No, I'm just, it's like, I'm just thinking, like someone said to me once, my lawyer, back in the day, as soon as I got a TV show syndicated, he was like, now what are you gonna do? Like, the sort of tier of men you can date just got smaller. And I'm like, what are you talking about?

And he was like, well, now that you're successful and men think you have money, you have to be with someone that has so much money to restore the power dynamic. And I was like, wait, are you telling me that now that I finally have my own money, I have to be like a gold digger? Like, that's so fucked. Like, now that I have my own money, I have to be like a gold digger? That's so fucked. Now that I have my own money, I have to date rich. The whole point of making money is it opens up this whole new pool of broke guys that I couldn't date when I was broke. You know what I mean?

It still is weird, though. I have a bitch who works hard. She makes a lot of money. Miles thinks she's beautiful. Miles is way too poor for her. She would never date him. But it's her thing. She doesn't want to date someone.

I know, right? Seems like you're kind of calling us out. We could easily change that. Way too poor is very different. She makes a crazy amount of money. But to me, it's like... What does she do?

Criminal. It has to be criminal. She works three full-time jobs and none of them know, so I don't even know if I should put this in. She works from home. Three management jobs. Full-time jobs and none of them know. So I don't even know if I should put this in. She works from home. Three management jobs, full-time, over the phone, managing all of it at once. She's a fucking hoss. Oh, that's fire. She's a hoss.

But why does she, does she want to just make a ton of money? Is she, because like, or does she enjoy working? We're probably going to have to edit this out again because they would fire her if she found out. So she's probably filling some kind of void of not having a man. Oh, got it, got it. But as she gets more successful and richer, I mean, she's like rich now. Dude, let me ask you though, workaholism- Men are very threatened by it. Workaholism is an addiction that is kind of a tricky one. In our community, there's so many people we see with drug addictions and

alcohol addictions, but workaholism, that's one that I've really found myself being like, oh, I don't need to be working right now. Why am I saying yes to this? Why am I doing this? So socially acceptable. You work a lot and people are like- It's celebrated. I mean, not so much as me. I think people are shitty to me about it. They're like, you're so ambitious. Why do you work so much? For women, I don't think it's celebrated as much. I think I get shamed more for it, which I think is good because it's made me look in the mirror and go, what? Do you think they're shaming you for working too much or they're shaming you for not processing certain emotions and covering that up at work?

Maybe, but it's like, how do you know what emotions I'm- Like if you just went on vacation instead of work, I think that they would say the same thing. Yeah. They'd be like, yeah, you're just traveling around the world doing all this other stuff when you had your parents pass and you're not really acknowledging what happened and how it affected you. Yeah, but it's like, I've been mourning my parents since they had strokes. It's been a slow process. Some people have it suddenly. I actually feel like I got really lucky because it's like I've been mourning my parents since they had strokes. It's been a slow process. Some people have it suddenly. I actually feel like I got really lucky because it's like I

had 12 years to prepare because it was like Groundhog Day. It was like every day was, today's the day she's going to die. Today's the day. So it was just this constant thing. And by the time she died, I mean, a couple of years ago, she looked over at me and she was like, please kill me. And I'm like- Sometimes people say it's a relief when they have their folks- It was such a relief. Yeah, it's also like seeing this person you had on a pedestal or someone that like, you have to have some modicum of a hierarchy of just like the biological, just the pecking order of this is the queen and the changing of the guard. To be in that holding pattern of like, am I an adult yet?

Am I not? Am I my mother's mother? Am I my mother's daughter? Like try to seek validation from someone that you have to wipe their ass. It's just like, it just gets really confusing. Was she seeing your stuff, though? Like, was she aware of what you were doing career-wise? She, bless her heart, my mom, like, you know, dabbled in the narcissism.

And she couldn't, like, at my first special, she answered her phone in the audience and, like, just took the call. Nice. You know what I mean? She could, like, she just couldn't, you know, you know, every time I saw her, I was like, these backhanded compliments. He's I mean? She just couldn't, you know, every time I saw her, I was like, these backhanded compliments. He's like, all you want is something, you know. Where do you think that comes from? Her? Yeah, why do you think she did that? I think that she did not want kids.

I don't think she had maternal instincts. If I'm going to guess, I think she had my sister to try to keep my dad, and then my dad fell in love with my sister, his daughter. My sister stole my dad's heart. My mom fell in love with my sister, his daughter. My sister stole my dad's heart. My mom couldn't keep dad's heart. And then I was a mistake. So I was conceived two months after my sister was born. And so I was an accident. So it's like when you really go back and do the like, oh, no one wanted me. And then I came out and I was

brunette. Double whammy. Also just found out I'm half Jewish. Hey, whoa. How did you just find that out? Just found out because my mom died and I got the, because I knew that my dad's mom was Jewish and my mom's dad. I just found out because when they died, all the family secrets come up, dude. There's like a wild shit.

You're half Jewish, but actually zero Jewish. Because you need to come from Jewish vagina to be actually Jewish. Well, my mom, my dad's mom. I'm sorry, but my dad's mom. Oh, so I'm no Jewish. No Jewish. Damn. But come on. Well, my mom, my dad's mom. Mom's dad. Dad's mom. I'm sorry, dad's mom. Oh, so I'm no Jewish. No Jewish. Damn. But come on. Nope. Good math. Zero? Great math. Zero. Great math.

Your math has gotten worse now that you're full on fucking lessee. And then, yeah, it just like changes you. I don't know. It's like... My friend had a... I'll see if we can keep his name, Gunal Arora. His dad was like not a great guy. And he said something that stuck with me. He said, it took my dad's death for me to deal with his life.

Like all this shit that they put on you. So even if you've kind of been dealing with her death, I wonder if it still hits you hard. Because once she's gone, gone, you can keep yourself occupied and not think about all the shitty things she did to you when you're wiping her ass and you're seeing her in the state. When she's gone, now you got all the shitty things she did to you when you're wiping her ass and you're seeing her in the state. When she's gone, now you got to deal with everything she did to you. Because the first time you came on, I think she was alive. You didn't talk about like forcing you into modeling at all.

I think you might be dealing with all this now. I just, well, because it's like I never wanted, you know, I don't think she had a capacity for guilt. Like her denial was so intense. But it's like, yeah, I mean, there was sexual abuse. There was like in alcoholic homes when there's like, you know, men coming in and out. No, not from her, but like from boyfriends, from like divorced homes where people are working. So she was dating a guy and that guy would like hit on you.

That was well, that was a whole other thing. Like, look, we're the first generation flirting. We're my mom. I'm going to say it like this is not joke around about this. Very fucking insensitive. She's joking around. She's saying she got molested that's fucking crazy

you said they're hitting on her you're still laughing you're like faces all red about it I just don't think they're hitting on her this is crazy just say sorry bro

just say sorry this is flirting God will forgive you this is the problem with men this is the problem with men they can't just say sorry nah dude this is the

dude it's the quality that now we can laugh poor girl is like poor I am so rich I have so much money on the pot grieving oh he's not flirting It's equality that now we can laugh. Poor girl is like pouring out her heart. I am so rich. I have so much money. Grieving. On the pot. Grieving. It's not flirting, whatever you fucking say.

No, no, no. What a fucking asshole right there. Fucking hardcore feminist, dude. It's equality when we can also laugh at women being molested. Boyfriends. But all kind of people, dude. It's like fucking calm down, dude. Look at you being all sinister

Alex Alex what are you doing in the car listen listen but doesn't it feel like when boys are molested it's hilarious like Catholic church shit is funny

and then girls are molested and everyone's all like awkward so this is he's like okay so you're saying that her boyfriend no not that specifically there were situations like that

but we also had babysitters like we're the first generation of like moms that worked you know and she would go out. You had male babysitters? Dude, it was like so-and-so's son down the street.

Is he available for $10? We had female babysitters. We had a female babysitter that molested us. I didn't know that till recently. My dad got molested by a babysitter. Uh-huh. Female.

Back in the day-day. Yeah, back in the day-day. So that was a while ago. Yeah, but no, he was about it. He shared the story with me. That's intense. That's his intense. She was like, shoot, they would play a game where Back in the day where women couldn't even vote, but they were molesting. Oh no, he's not that old. I just mean like, that was, when was it? The 50s? When was the exact day? I'm not sure. I just mean like, was it the 50s when he was a kid?

When was he? Yeah, it was definitely the 50s. And he would tell me she would come over and they would play a game where she would play with his dick. And then she was like, all right, it's time for you to play with mine. And he was like, I can't wait to play with her dick. He didn't know girls have pussies and shit. So he was like, it's my time to play with that dick. And he was trying to get in there. And she was like, oh, okay, actually, we can't do this, blah, blah, blah.

And then kind of stopped it. So he was trying to get his get back. I think that was the most fucked up part because he didn't get his get back. Mark, you can laugh at this one. Yeah, that one seems kind of funny. I actually enjoyed that one. But when women are molested or girls are molested, it's like a super bummer. So it's like, I never talked about it. It is a bit of a bummer.

I mean, I think that it happens to most people in some iteration. I think that when you grow up in an alcohol... No, it doesn't. Don't normalize it. Maybe. I just think that there's so much most people in some iteration. I think that like when you grow up. No, it doesn't. Don't normalize it. Maybe. I just think that there's so much like. It doesn't. Hey, Whitney, it doesn't.

I think a lot of. And I know that normalizing it might make you feel better. No, it doesn't. But what happened to you is not okay. I want to be the only person that was molested. What are you talking about? You want to be the only person? You think I want other people to have the same?

That's a little narcissistic, I think. No, I'm joking. But no, trust me, I would love to be the only person that adults thought was cute as a child. Actually,

if you were the only person molested, but I think that all the Me Too stuff- You maybe could pay the price for all humans. It's like a Jesus thing. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You took the molestation

so no one else has to be molested. What? Y'all are talking about- Strap on? Y'all are talking about incels and what to do. And you took the molestation so no one else has to be molested what y'all are talking about y'all are talking about incels and you took her jacket that's fucked up that's crazy y'all are talking about incels like school shooters what are you doing about it i'm out there fucking them you had sex with a male virgin how old were they i'm not telling him you had sex with an underage man no no he had sex with an underage man? No, no. You had sex with an underage man? No, a very old, much older virgin.

How old? On the road. How old? Over 25. You believed him? Yes, actually. You fucking idiot. I'm not right.

No way. There is no way. Nobody's been playing that for fucking years. You're like, oh yeah, I never had sex before. Yeah, what kind of guy doesn't have sex until after 25? Fucking losers. Dude, you're not, you don't fucking losers. You have your dick and down fans, bro? That's crazy. years. I never had sex before. What kind of guy doesn't have sex until after 25? You're not your fucking losers. You're not your dick and down fans, bro? That's crazy.

How dare you, dude? How dare you? Because that's the other thing. I'm looking down the barrel of the female comedians that like, dude, this doesn't end well. Who does this end well for, female comedian? Joan of Arc or whatever. Rivers, that ended well for? Female comedian. Joan of Arc or whatever. What's her name? Joan Rivers.

That ended well for her? She did not. She was killing it. I know. I think she has so much respect. That's true. But I think that- People love her.

But she hated towards the end that she was like doing fashion police stuff and was like- So then stop doing it. I don't like that shit where like- Like celebrity gossip shit. I don't like to get into that. Don't complain about the shit you choose to do. Or you become gay or you become an activist. I know. That's what I'm saying.

No, I'm- You went activist first. That's pretty good. When was I an activist? Remember when you would call me and be like, dude, they totally think I give a fuck about animals.

And we would have these calls. Do you remember that? Like, oh, giraffes. No. What a stupid fucking animal. I don't get it. You would call me and shit on animals all the time.

And then you'd go and make your little videos. Like, I gotta save a zoo. A zoo's going to burn in California, right? And you would call me just laughing and mocking these people. Remember that? No, I don't. Sometimes you need your empty gun.

But you do care about animals. You do care about animals. You dated a veterinarian. What is going on at home? You dated a veterinarian. Stop doing it. You're doing it again. Every time you're in a corner, you project.

Can we talk about you and the animals? Sure, yes. You were in love with a veterinarian. I dated a veterinarian during the pandemic. You didn't love him. I did. What's love? I mean, what are we doing?

That's crazy. What are we doing? You're evil. Hold on. That's crazy. No, it's not. My thing with love is that word was used a lot to control me as a kid. Why do your fingers get the bigger the lie is?

The second that you're out here like this. Why would I lie? That was used as a controlling mechanism. You could love the veterinarian. How many people have you said you loved before? Thousands, I think. What's your definition of love? When do you know you're in love with someone?

That's a good question. It's like Jerry Maguire. You're in love with someone That's a good question That's a good question But I'll tell you this Do you love me? I love you Yeah but that's not in love No but in love I'll tell you that At least for me I felt it in different ways

And with my wife I felt it in different ways. And with my wife, I felt it in a way. My wife. That was very boring. I felt it in a way I never felt with anybody else. Yeah? Yeah. And then how did that manifest? Because I remember a guy friend of mine said to me once something very simple.

Second date. Oh, wow. Second date, I was like, yeah, I'm going to fall in love with this woman. Second date. How did you know? Was it just an energy? Wasn't conscious? I wanted to listen to everything she had to say, and I wanted to share everything that I had with her.

And I think that was it. It wasn't even, like, on some, like— I wanted to listen to her. Well, by the way, this is, like, a guy friend of mine who's, like, you know, gets— It's a beautiful story. I almost started crying. And then you were like, I just wanted to listen to it. Yeah, I know.

I got serious. This shit felt like the Burt Kreischer roast for a second. Everyone's crying. This is the first time in my life I found a woman interested. I got emotional. It's clear here that not everybody has fallen in love yet, but it's okay. Also during the Burt Kreischer roast, my mom was in seven-day hospice. She was on her seventh day of fucking home hospice.

This bitch did. Are you comparing your dying mom to my wife-day hospice. She was on her seventh day of fucking home hospice. This bitch did- Are you comparing your dying mom to my wife right now? No, I'm just saying the crying in the roast, this seems to be a sticking point for everybody. Yeah, yeah. Which is like my mom was in seven days of hospice, so I'm at fucking Kaiser Permanente, which fuck that place, by the way.

I have umbrella insurance. I'm protected. So I went to Kaiser Permanente once, and look how bored he gets when it's not just- It's not just a friend. That was crazy. It's not the second date, that's what happened. You know what I love with you, Whitney.

What do you want to do? I'm not in love with her, I love her. I know. Yeah. I love her, I do. I care about you, and I care about your well-being, and I want everything to work out for you, and I would help you if you ever need anything. I mean that, sincerely.

Thank you. And you don't even trust it because so many people have fucked you over in life or something like that. No, I do trust it. That's not true at all. Like you're very close to me. You're giving me like Irish boxer pose. No, I care about you deeply and I want everything to work out. So for me, that is love.

But being in love with somebody has happened a few times in my life. And the last time was the most profound version of it. But do you feel like that the amount of time like you knew on the second date, do you think that you can still love someone the way you love Emma, but not know that soon? Do you know what I mean? Like, do you think it's like for love to happen? Does it have to be that soon is my question. Because sometimes I'll be with someone for like six or seven months. I'm like, do I just give it more time? I love my wife way more now than I did on our second date. That's so cool.

But there was something that happened on the second date where I was like, whoa, this is different than anything I've ever experienced. Has there ever been a fight where you're like, or a thing you're like, I don't know? No. There's been difficulties, of course. But there's never been a thing where like, I don't love this person anymore. I stopped loving them. Was there something that you did differently with her where it's like with other people, like in a fight or whatever, for lack of a better word, you'd be like, oh, that's bullshit. But with

her, you just like acted differently? Not necessarily. But I also think it's not just, I don't know. I think that I don't feel in fights that it's over ever. Right, right, right. So she makes me feel. There's something that she does not in the fight, outside of the fight. And hopefully there's something

I do outside of the fight that makes us feel like, hey, this thing sucks. We need to fucking work this out. I'm being a little immature motherfucker. She's being an immature motherfucker. But it doesn't feel like

it's kind of over. Which is a nice feeling. I think that's kind of love when you feel like you're fighting for something instead of fighting with someone and you're like on the same team, even though, because to me,

like in fights, I'll instantly be like, the biggest leverage is leaving. Yeah, but that's, so it's like you go to that, but that's like, you got to stay in the ring. But that doesn't come from a lack of love.

That comes from insecurity and emotional immaturity. Yeah, yeah. I used to get with like, I love my wife so much, but when I was less mature emotionally, there were fight be fights where I'd be like,

I don't know if this is worth it. And now, and I think you'll know when you're in love because when you're in love, you're like, this sucks. Yeah, yeah. Let's just do this.

We're going to deal with this. It's going to be okay. Yeah. But don't define the love by the fights. Yeah. I think that's the biggest issue. Well, I guess for me,

it's like I always thought like love, it's not about what it's like when things are going well. It's about when things are hard. No, think about when it's going well. How I guess for me, it's like I always thought like love, it's not about what it's like when things are going well. It's about when things are hard. No, think about when it's going well. How much fun is it when it's going well? That's what I think keeps you together. I guess I just haven't had a fun life yet.

Like I also was, people are like, you have intimacy issues. You don't want to be with someone. I was like, I didn't want to be with someone when I had a mom hanging off of a thing. Like I was engaged to a guy I met off Raya. Awesome dude. I was engaged to a guy I met off Raya, awesome dude. And when we started planning the wedding, I just couldn't picture my mom in a wheelchair and who was going to walk me down the aisle. I just couldn't.

So now that she's dead, I feel like I can- I understand what you mean now when you say you feel free. It's just like there's a point where you realize, am I my mother's daughter? Am I my own person? And I guess I never got to be my own person just because I was in the shadow of her illness I think you suffer from uh being too smart sometimes where I think that you can like intellectualize every aspect of your behavior and find a justification for it somewhere I think that's what we do is stand-ups but when you turn on yourself like we're these you know analysts like You almost need to be able to shut your brain off and just be, to quote Liver King, primal for a second.

I'm trying, dude. I know, it's hard, right? Dude, I'm doing two hobbies now. I'm taking on two hobbies that I'm not allowed to turn into businesses. You're an awesome example because you're trying so hard to just be a human. It's retarded. And you're like, I'm going to have a hobby. No, it's-

I'm going to have another one. By the way, because I also became a comic. I knew growing up, all the trunks- But being a comic is your most authentic state. I genuinely mean that. Yeah, for sure. I think being a person is way harder for you- When you grew up in Al-Khaliqal, that's what you are.

You're a comic. You're making people laugh. You're literally getting people to drink. This is you. This is you being in this kind of manic state, making things funny, like roasting, having great ideas, putting them together. Always have to be 10 steps ahead. Always have to have nine backup plans for jokes.

But what makes you so good at this is what makes life so difficult. And also growing up in an alcoholic home, like if you're scatter, they're scatterbrained. So me being all over the place like is linear to them. Same. I grew up in an alcoholic house and there's a lot of peacemaking and just making sure everybody's like, let's just not cause conflict. You're the mediator, you have to shape shift, you have to be a chameleon, like narcissist, you have to like, you know, and then also defining your self through your productivity and usefulness to others and like entertaining people. And like, and then as you get older, it's just like annoying. Like you're

just the annoying people pleaser who like won't turn off, you know, kind of thing. But I think, yeah, it's weird because I got on the TV. I remember as a kid going like, I have to get in the box. Like I saw happy families in the box. And I was like, your family value what was in the box. Well, yeah. Well, my dad, like they would watch TV and I watch, but I would commercials is what I wanted though. I would, I didn't want to be in movies. I want to be in commercials. That's where the happy families were. I was like, I got to get there, dude. That's where the fucking food is on the dinner table. Everybody's happy. Dude, the fridge is like, how do I get in there?

I would literally drive by on whatever family trips, and there would be an exit for a McDonald's. I would be like, let's get off at McDonald's. All I would see is, why is that kid eating the fries? I could do that. Can I be honest with you? Yeah. I think that there's a perfect example of you intellectualizing a situation, but that's not the real reason. I think that your dad watched that TV and that was the most important thing in his life. How do I get his attention? And I need to get in there to get

his attention, his validation. And that is often what children do. The only reason I started boxing or enjoy boxing or did a boxing, I did a boxing matches because I knew how much my dad loved boxing. My dad gave me all the validation. And even with all the validation from my dad, maybe this would impress him even more. And he was so impressed and it felt so good. So it's like we subconsciously are drawn to the things that our parents really care about. Even if we resent our parents, we still want their validation. Because it's like a reptilian radio.

See how smart you are? You're like, you created this perfect beautiful story of like, there's a family eating McDonald's and I want that. No, you don't. You would have been a commercial actress if you did. But you created great shows. I could not book a commercial to save my life. I went in, they always said I sounded sarcastic.

I'd be like, try Thai with bleach. It's the best for your Thai. McDonald's, it's super good. I don't believe that. I know, they always said I was too sarcastic. Your dad would change the channel? You're like, come on. I finally got in. It's also like the jury's still out if I'm the progressive lady or not, so maybe I am in commercials.

Progressive lady? But it's wild, though, because I was like, that's where the love is. You're lesbian and trans now. You are the progressive lady. I'm very progressive. Now you're on Firthing Fill, you are flowing. You are flowing.. I'm very progressive. Now you're on birthing flow. You are flowing.

You are flowing. That's perfect. It's so hard. It's so hard. I'm out there and I was like, should I take a Prozac before I go in? I was also on Prozac and I just like went off it like willy nilly. I was like, I don't want to be on any of this pharma shit. I've also been like under the influence of like pharma, birth control, Prozac.

So how do you get, so a person like you is usually smarter than most of the people around you, right? I mean. Let's just assume, right? It's hard to take advice from people around you if you're like, I don't know if these people are smarter than me. Probably most of the people around you, you're more successful than. So why would I take advice from any of these motherfuckers?

But what happens if those people have good advice that would help you reflect on your life and maybe make your life easier, would you push them away or would you be willing to digest it? I think it depends. I think when someone's giving you advice, you can usually tell if they're like- Authentic. Yeah, if they really are trying to solve the problem or like show off or project. It seems like sometimes the people with their lives that are in most disarray are the ones that want to give the most advice, you know? Kind of annoying, isn't it? Yeah, just sort of like, or someone that's trying to control you or they want you to like owe them

in some way. You know, I think we're in this sort of like as a species, like everyone's an expert in everything now. And I read this book and I watched this TED Talk and you're like, can you just tell me what you think I should do? Like, I don't need you to quote nine fake experts. You know what's interesting is this is almost like the downside of getting successful young is you did so much work, you couldn't really work on you and also the stuff with your mom. The one upside of, and I'm not saying I'm well-adjusted, one upside of me getting successful so much later or somewhat successful so much later is I had a lot of time with no work so I could just work on me. And I'm not saying I'm well-adjusted now, but I'm way better off than

I would have been. But that's why I spent so much time. It's like child stars, Wes, the difficult part. Yeah. And like shape-sh spent so much time. It's like child stars. Yeah. It's so difficult. Yeah. And like shape shifting and stuff like where someone's like, what do you want to eat? And I'm like, I don't know. Like, I don't know what I'm like a reward matrix. I have to figure that out. Say it again. Yeah. The Hollywood reward matrix is really distorting.

So it's like. Also, as soon as my mom died, I was able to process a lot of the fucked up Hollywood shit because I think I had to be in so denial with the Stockholm syndrome with Hollywood because it was like the key to getting her love and my dad's love that I was like, I couldn't see the dark side of Hollywood. Also maybe it was familiar because it's very similar to an abusive household. I mean, it's weird. I have this obsession with Shirley Temple because it's like when people are like, is Hollywood creepy? I'm like, you guys, this is a business built on the back of a four-year-old toddler named Shirley Temple who was wearing little mini skirts.

And she was four when she was in her first movie where she's like at war with soldiers like on their laps, like not a mom in sight. There's no nanny in the story. It's just there's just a baby with dimples like dancing for soldiers. So if she was four in the movie, that means she was cast at like two or three. That means she was cast at like two or three. And then if she was cast at two or three, if she got the job, that means there were like 100 other babies that auditioned. That people were like not cute enough. And then there was a costume designer.

I watched the movie and I'm just like someone sewed this little gang of plaid diaper cover. Like the way that the skirts perfectly come up and there's a video called Good Ship Lollipop. And it's her doing a dance for these men. I've never watched that ever. You just ruined Shirley Temple for me. Dude, it is. What we grew up on.

Dude, whoever. Never watched a single thing of hers, thank God. Dude, her blackface. There's a movie where she's in blackface. It is Trudeau-level precision. It's wild. We owe this bitch an apology. And I just think about her.

Because I'm like, this is something that we're like Shirley Temple. We order a Shirley Temple. We're like, oh, this is this child that was just kind of a stripper. There's videos called Baby Burlesque. And it's her in diapers and another baby just making out and dancing. It's like, it's fucking wild. Brooke Shields was doing, like, nude shoes at 14. Dude, Lagoon dude is wild.

She, like, has her first blood. And she's 14 and they're fucking on a rock. Like that's kind of like whatever. But like Shirley Temple dude and all these like child stars, all this like Hannah Montana shit. Like what are we doing? So I'm curious, would you ever take a hiatus? Yeah, I've actually, I am kind of now. Like I'm not going to tour in the fall because touring is my favorite thing in the world to do, but it's like doing all this other shit.

I kind of just want to, like after specials, I don't know if you ever do this, I like to take like six months not doing stand-up just to make sure I'm not doing a bad impression of myself or I'm not trying to make vestiges of the previous special work just because I see it. I think that's the biggest problem a lot of comics do. I'm only doing Mothership.

I'm going to Mothership next week. That's great. Yeah. By the way, the best thing that ever happened to comedy is Joe Rogan taking mushrooms. I mean, incredible. Amen. You said you have two hobbies.

I'm working on two hobbies that I can't turn into businesses and I can't post on social media. I am learning to fence. Fencing is so fun. And so hard. So Ivy League of you.'s so Ivy League of you that's not

it's barely Ivy League she's just trying to keep the neighbors out are you building fences is that what she meant don't look at me my gun's not loaded I need to use my sword

fencing and what dude if a stalker showed up at my house and I was just like on guard maybe like never mind and then target practice

like I saw you were doing the bow hunting with Joe was that fun yeah it's I saw you were doing the bow hunting with Joe. Was that fun? Yeah. It's hard as shit. To pull the bow back.

Yeah. It's really difficult. And this is really dorky, but I am gonna start making quilts. That's nice. That's beautiful. Now, is it possible to do those three things

and not tell anybody about them on podcasts? Can they just be for your joy? I would love to keep this a secret. Based on how well that went, I think it's the last I ever mention it. Because I do think I have like- It does go well.

It is really funny. You're gonna have all these great stories, but can you still do that? From the quilting, the adventures in quilting? Yeah. Because you know what? I think for me, I have this thing in my head where if I'm doing something that's recreational,

I feel like I'm falling behind. Or if I'm watching a movie, I have to thing in my head where if I'm doing something that's recreational, I feel like I'm falling behind. Or if I'm watching a movie, I have to make it work. I mean, what you're saying, I think a lot of people would relate to in the business. But I also think being a comic, it's like just moving through the world and you're like, oh, what's funny about these? Like, what's fun? It's hard to turn off sometimes. But if I'm doing one thing that's kind of like a monotonous task, I can kind of be present. It's like the fidget spinner 101.

If I feel like I can be productive in one way, then I can luxuriate. It's just maybe that's something I need to fix about myself. I went on Prozac, which I don't know, it was probably more placebo effect that it made me feel like I was able to be a little more calm. I was prescribed Adderall, five milligrams of Adderall. You do not need Adderall. By the way, no, but for a true OCD, it calms you down. It doesn't amp you up.

It's the opposite effect. It was the opposite. Really? He prescribed me five milligrams of Adderall. What is it? Oh, time release. To sleep. To sleep?

Because I can't sleep. I can't sleep either. And then, by the way, I said to him, well, there's something about that that's interesting. I said to him, I was like, I took Adderall. I think it's working. And he was like, well, I do have to tell you that it's a placebo dose. Five milligrams of Adderall was like most people use it for kids. So it's intentionally a placebo dose.

I'm like, well, what's the point of telling placebo? If you tell me it's a placebo, what law is that? But the fact that they made it a placebo dose because they knew kids would take it. I mean, there's an Adderall shortage in California. Yeah. And no one gets anything done. I'm like, what the fuck? But the sleep thing, there's a lot of good science.

I don't know what you guys call it around here. Call Heberman. I don't know. Where night watcher DNA. So a lot of us descend from night watchers. So like in the tribes, there's everyone that would have the daytime know, have like the daytime circadian rhythm and the people that would stay up and watch the tribe. I can't believe you called us nerds for knowing facts and shit like that. It is unbelievable. That was probably your favorite episode of flagrant because there

was like numbers that you could attach to ideas. All right, guys, we're gonna take a break for a second. Listen, I started taking athletic greens, specifically that AG1, because I hated taking pills and vitamins and all that other nonsense. I just want a supplement that can actually taste good, serve me, fit in the schedule, easy does it. This is the best option for easy, optimal nutrition that is out there. You literally take one scoop of AG1 and you're absorbing 75 high-quality vitamins, minerals, whole food source, superfoods, probiotics, and adaptogens to help start your day right. Sustainable routines are key.

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you know what that means. The mini skirts are coming out, the sun dresses are coming out. It's time for you to act, it's time for you to be right, and it's time for you to stiffen up and fill the void. Can you stiffen up and

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Armageddon. Bluechew.com. Okay, make sure you use the promo code Flaker. You're going to get your first month free. All you got to do is pay $5 shipping. This is a no-brainer. You do it. Let's get back to this show. I did take Lex Freeman to your weddings, and then Lex got so wasted,

stayed at my house, woke up the next morning to him just staring at my robot in my office. Whoa. How long did he think he was talking to you? Yeah, yeah. I think he was thrilled. He was like, this I can get. Whitney didn't interrupt me for 10 minutes. I do need to figure out what to do with her because they're putting chat GPT in her,

so she's going to be able to talk, but I'm like, I think I'm just going to give her to mothership to put in the fat man just hanging from the ceiling or something from a noose. That's a good idea. Because like in Rogan's New Club, you get to go under the stage.

It's like sick. Like it doesn't kind of feel like for a second, like, I don't know. It's almost like, you know, when you go under in boxing when you're about to go out. Oh, yeah, your ring walk. Yeah, you're just like,

it feels like a little bit like you're under and then you go up. Like I kind of want to like out? Oh, yeah, your ring walk. Yeah, you're just like, it feels like a little bit like you're under and then you go up. Like, I kind of want to, like, put her to the top of the ceiling, like, looking down. That'd be kind of wild. Or something.

Or just seat her in the balcony, just have one seat that's just her. Yes, yes, yes. That's fun. But also, whatever happened, because I brought him, I was at Mothership,

like, two weeks ago, and I brought him some Rodney Dangerfield sets, and Joan Dangerfield came with me. Whatever happened to the Rodney Dangerfield set I gave you? I don't know.

Wait, a set? What? Wait, what do you mean a set? So I did... This is a great gift. You gave me a great gift. Yes, but I was... Rodney Dangerfield,

like the way that he wrote out his sets like on The Tonight Show, he would like write out the joke exactly. Like the top would say like great crowd, like two exclamation points.

Like he wrote... It was like... It's heartbreaking. Anchorman. What's that? It was like Anchorman. Ohorman oh yeah he would say exactly what was written and then he would do like like a b and a like everything that he wrote was like if he got an applause break if he got an applause break he didn't think he deserved if he needed to work on something like he had all these like codes and stuff also i've been spending a lot of time stop

stop my favorite hold on stay on the story oh well i've been spending a lot of time no no no stay on the rodney Dangerfield thing. Did you think that was going well? No. It doesn't matter if it was going well. We're listening. We're going to give you a weighted blanket, okay? Hold on, hold on, hold on.

So you gave me a page from one of his Tonight Show sets, and it was a great gift. Yes. And even if none of us are dying laughing, when we're listening, it's really valuable. But wait, I was going to say something. Also, real quick, one of my favorite jokes ever is a Dangerfield joke. Tell me.

He goes, I'm so ugly, I only get girls because of who I am. A rapist. So good. So tight. So tight.

I mean, it's so good. You know that he would, after shows, get beat up in the parking lot? No way. By whom? Just like, you know, I mean, comedy back then. It was in strip clubs, like, you know, Atlantic City, Catskills.

Like, we think about, like, comedians being physically- But it was so self-deprecating. Why would anybody beat him up for beating him up for the show? Because he would say, like, your wife is ugly. And this is like, you know, people were just- He would say, my wife is ugly. But it's why we just saw Chris Rockett punch in the face for making a joke about G.I.J. I mean, it's like, I don't think the people that are doing the attacking are particularly sane. They're jealous. He's

getting attention. Who knows? Right. You know, it's like back then it was like, you know, because I was going to maybe do a movie about Joan Rivers and looking back through footage of like opaque smoke in these venues. Yeah. Like we did stand up when there was inside smoking. I feel like for like maybe like I went to like Lexington, Kentucky once and I was like, whoa, people were smoking inside. And I was like, this is so fucking wild.

That's kind of cool though. It is, but like you would get Vegas voice. Like Joan Rivers started getting super raspy. You will get dry, yeah. And she also had like four miscarriages.

Some of the weed rooms are like that. Which one? Dude, LA comedy right now sucks because everyone's stoned out of their minds. Oh, really? Comedy's supposed to be

like a little bit of alcohol. You have some tension, but now everyone's just like chilling. There's like, you know, I think we need to make weed illegal in LA. It's not working. Really? I think smoking is fine, but these edibles where everyone's just kind of like- Zonked, dude. Everyone's on fucking edibles or mushrooms.

Everyone's healing. All these white people are healing. Have you tried mushrooms? I have. I did it on a live podcast. I love them. Yeah. But I don't think it's like- Have you tried mushrooms not for content?

Hold on one second. That's funny. Hold on one second. You know what you're doing right now? What? You ever seen somebody go down a hill on a skateboard? Someone said this, made this exact thing. Michael Chiklis on my podcast the other day. Oh. He said talking, he was like downhilling. No, you're going down the hill, but you're in a speed wobble. So we all just need to take a moment. But I think you actually just slowed down. You take a moment. We were at the same pace and then you got tired. You got tied tight.

You think I got tired? Not at all. Well, you wore yourself out. And now- Is there another option maybe? You decided to switch gears. What do you think another option is? But no, I was just thinking in terms of it.

Stop, stop, stop, stop. I want to give you a big hug. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. You're going to get her in her head. Can you say something? Do you see what's happening? Listen, listen, listen. Can I just take this?

Can I just take this? Sure. Can I just take this? Yes. So, is this your it? Okay. Yes. So. Is this your way? You can tell. I know what everyone like thinks about me.

Okay. No, I don't care what anybody thinks about you. Okay. I don't give a fuck. Do you want to go into the. No. Okay. What I'm. Me slowing down is not a function of me being tired of you or anything like that.

I was just joking. Okay. I thought that's what we did here. Yeah. I was just joking. I thought that's what we did here. Just trying to make sure the comments aren't too savage. Fuck them.

Dumb shit I'll take. Unfunny shit is where I draw the line. Fuck them. No, I just wanted to slow down the pace so that you would feel comfortable. But I felt like if I was just going 100%, then you would have to be defensive. So maybe if I was just chilling and just asking you questions I really want to know about you, then we'd all be able to chill. I like this.

What's happening here? Do you want to ask something? I will. Where are you going, Mark? I got to pee really fast. Okay, good. I think these Zins should be outlawed. Those are awesome. It feels like a lot of energy quick, and then it kind of— Whitney, can I ask you a question about stand-up?

Do you think—because you've played the mothership already, right? Do you think the opportunity for young comics is greatest now in Austin. If you're going to compare to LA and New York, I'm not talking about people at our level. I'm talking about you're going to start comedy. You're moving to a city to start comedy. You didn't grow up there. Where would you go? And do you think that Austin is like a real viable candidate? I think Austin is a real viable candidate. But if you're not yet in the orb of Rogan, it's probably a bust. So give me an example. You know what I'm saying? So it's like, I think that pound for pound, I mean, LA was like, for me, I made it New York in terms of the number of spots I was able to do. I was doing 12 spots

a night in LA. You can do it if you really, you gotta drive. In LA it New York in terms of the number of spots I was able to do. I was doing 12 spots a night in LA. You can do it if you really, you gotta drive. In LA or New York, you were doing 12 spots? In LA. I made LA like New York. I went to Hermosa. I did, because at the comedy store, you can do three a night. And then Laugh Factory, you can do two.

Improv, Laugh Factory, yeah. So I just scheduled it out where I was able to do. And then there were rooms. LA had rooms, bowling alleys and sushi restaurants. I mean, it was a nightmare, but in a way, I actually am so grateful for that. Because New York, I feel like, at least when I came out here, didn't have a lot of that.

There was Village Lantern and some restaurants that had stand-up, but we were doing stand-up literally in bowling alleys. You have to time the jokes when they hit the pins. New York had a robust alternative comedy scene. Oh, yeah, like Rafifi. So huge. And then what happened is as alternative comedy became more popular, those comics started getting booked in the clubs. So their comedy just wasn't celebrated by the clubs just yet.

So they weren't there. So they built their own scene. It was awesome. And then they started getting booked to the clubs. And then the scene just isn't as robust as it used to be. There's still people who do shows and have different rooms that are scheduled rooms. Your boy has a room. What is it?

7th Street? Yeah, 7th Street. It's this awesome little club. Sesh is another one. Where literally they just found a basement in the Lower East Side. Yeah, yeah. And then gutted it, put a bunch of chairs in it on stage. And they treat it like a club.

They have regular shows. I'm so grateful that I came up in LA because we did a lot of comedy in just like outside in parking lots, like you know, laundromats,

like just crazy shit, you know, and like to be able to like have to, I mean there was Miyagi's which was a sushi restaurant where we would do stand up. This is when Duncan Trussell

was doing the, he had a dummy like Lil Bobo. Yeah, yeah. And with madness and on Tuesday nights it was like basically urban sushi night. Duncan's a great hang by the way. Russell was doing the, he had a dummy, like Lil Bobo. Yeah, yeah. And madness. And on Tuesday nights, it was like basically urban sushi night. Duncan's a great hang, by the way. Dude, he's the best.

We need to get Duncan on the pod. By the way. We hung out with him over at the Mueller Show. So interesting. Yeah, he's so interesting. Great wealth of knowledge, has like really good perspective. He's very also secure in the way he talks. Like you make me realize this.

Very generous energy, too. Like he doesn't need to dominate the room. You room. Good listener. He's a good hang. And he's good at sticking the landing on his conversations. For me, I think what you see with me that a lot of people conflate with Manic, if I feel myself going in a direction that I know is not going to pay off in a way that's like, I'm like, I'll pivot. You know what I mean? I'll be like, let's kind of go this way. Can we do for the rest of the pod? Can you just keep going down that direction? Trust that.

And trust that we're interested in it. I do on my podcast, but I think on other people's, I just try to come in swinging and pop in. We did that already. I know, but I think when you're on someone else's, they're not tuning in for the guest. They're tuning in for you guys and your reaction to the guest. I think it's a combination. Yeah, maybe. But stop thinking about necessarily what they're going to think and what they're going to be interested in, because I think

the curiosity comes from the people that you're watching, right? So if we're genuinely curious about what you're saying, we want that information gap closed, and you just run somewhere else with it. Now that you can't close that information, now I'm frustrated. I think because also, I have this before I answer a question, there's usually

a way I need to set the table. So it's like when you said about the I love you thing, I'm like, well, the background is that I feel like love, that word was used in a very hypocritical way growing up. It's like, it would be, but I love you. You would get hit, your mom would forget to take you to school and it'd be like, but I love you. So you only heard I love you when things were bad. Ooh, so now you're a little bit concerned about it. So now when it's I love you, it's like, oh, what's, so it's just like a Pavlovian response that I would have to rewire with EMDR or whatever. Or it's also like, you know.

It's hard. Yeah. I have to take that shit out. Meat burning. Golly. Is that, did you put it in your mouth? Yeah. In your, like, a.

It's a nicotine pouch. It was a gum, but it was just burning. But, oh, I thought it was a patch that you did as like a stick. Oh, no. Yeah. All right, go on. And so, and it's also like in relationships, I've been in relationships with guys that it

turns into like, but I love you. And then it's love you, or it's, but I love you, I love you. I love you turns into shut up. It's basically like, I love you. I love you, I love you, calm down.

Be manipulative. Yeah, so it's just like I think that to me, it's just, I'm really big. It's the same thing with Louis did those jokes about the word hilarious. People will be like, that's hilarious. When just I'm really big. It's the same thing with Louis did those jokes about, you know, the word hilarious. People will be like, that's hilarious.

Like, when words have lost their value, we're wordsmiths. I know that's dorky. But, like, when a word has lost its value, I always want to find a new one because it feels basic or something. Like, you know, like, it just sort of love feels a little bit, like, mainstream. I don't know. No, I mean, it's a human thing. If love doesn't carry weight your whole life, it's not going to carry weight to you at all. Yeah, and then everyone else has their own experience with it.

Like, I did a joke about this. Who do you love? That's a lie. I love— That's human. I deeply love all my friends. I love you. Okay.

I love everyone in my life. Who else? Everyone you've seen in my feed. Well, just say the people you love. I love Leslie. Who's Leslie? Who's my housekeeper. She's been with me for 16 years. Okay. I had a housekeeper before I people you love. I love Leslie, who's my housekeeper. She's been with me for 16 years.

I had a housekeeper before I had any money. Stop, stop, stop. Who else do you love? That was good. That was necessary. Who else do you love? Yeah, I think that's important to know.

Who else? What are you digging for? And I'll give it to you. It's shocking, the lack of trust. I'm not digging for anything. I just want to go over the people that you love. Nikki Kanodia,

my best friend from college. Oh, that's beautiful. Yeah. Who else? Lizzie Goodman, my best friend from college. One of my best friends from college. I mean, I can go on, but is this... Keep going on. I also love all the guys I've dated. I have no... I still love my ex, Alex. Nick Curzon, my... I think you've met Nick. One of my

oldest friends ever. All the men I've dated, I still really love and have good relationships with. That's pretty awesome. Yeah. Like there's, if someone's like, like not in their ex, I'm like, you're the one that Well, sometimes it's difficult. You know, a lot of times people handle rejection in different ways. Yeah.

And I imagine you've broken up with a lot of the people. So it's hard to not. But also I was estranged from my sister for almost 30 years. Now you guys are friends again? I mean, it's a kind of love that I didn't even know existed. And you think that's reciprocated a lot? Yeah. I mean, we've had a lot of trauma. I mean, I've never even heard of this. Hold on, hold on, hold on. So there's all these people you love and all these people love you. That's pretty cool. And they don't want anything from you. They don't need anything from you. these people love you. That's pretty cool. Yeah. And they don't want anything from you. They don't need anything from you.

They just love you. You know, I was thinking about this. That's pretty nice. Despite all the fucked up shit that you went through in your life, despite these fucked up relationships you grew up with. Couldn't be happier. No, no, not about happy. Despite all those things that could interrupt your ability to be loved and love people, you got a lot of people who love you. Well, I think that the key and and my best friend, Nicky.

Don't explain it. Told me. Don't explain it. If you're going to get your heart broken. Don't explain it. Just take it in. Just take it in. But I agree.

Stop trying to science it. But what do you want me to say, though? Just nothing. Stop being a nerd with your facts. Don't say anything. Just take it in. Just hear it. Don't be a nerd with your facts.

But I'm going to say a quote that resonated with me. Yeah, by some gay guy. Just give it a second. Just give a, we love you. Even if you just took a B and took it in. You love people. There's a lot of love with me. Yeah, by some gay guy. Just give it a second. Just give a, we love you. Even if you just took a B and took it in. You're loved, you love people. There's a lot of love over here. Everything's good.

We're Christians on this podcast. But I'm, if I do too much eye contact, I will probably get emotional. That's okay. That's okay to get emotional. No, I know, but you know. What would you get emotional about? I go to Barstool Sports after this.

You know what I mean? I can't have all the, I can't melt the shellac. No, but what do you mean you would get emotional? I'm talking the ground. Don't let her out of this. Don't let her out of this but what do you mean you would get emotional Don't let her out of this What do you mean you would get No I think it's like

Do you want me to cry I don't want you to cry I want to feel real emotions from you If that's happiness that's great If it's sadness that's great If you're crying As someone who he definitely loves you Do you talk to me about years ago I think he just wants to showcase you know. Do you, do you like someone, can I, as someone who he definitely loves you, he talks about,

you talked to me about years ago. I think he just wants to showcase the human you that he knows and loves. I think we can get so, sorry to interrupt you. Go, go, go. No, you go. It's your thing. I just think that, I don't know. I think that we can get so caught up, especially in our business about like how we're perceived

by a lot of times people we don't know. And then lose sight of how we're perceived by the people that we do know and we care about. And then we maybe almost take that shit for granted. And I do that all the time. Maybe I'll come in, I'll be frustrated or whatever. And like, sometimes I like to take a second and be like, wow, man, like we've got a bunch of guys that are working on this podcast that like have really fucking busy lives and their own relationships. And everybody's coming in to work on this one thing so that we can all be successful. And they're like sacrificing, they're having time.

Like we hung out for Alex's birthday on Friday and it was like so much fun to like celebrate someone else, right? We can get so focused on our own lives. It's so much fun to celebrate someone else, get drunk, be silly, make fun of each other. And it was just a great thing that we weren't filming it. We weren't making content. It was just a great thing that we weren't filming it. We weren't

making content. It was just guys hanging out and girl, shout out to Tanya, hanging out and enjoying that. And I think that that's, I don't know. I think it's really important that we get caught up in that and not necessarily what someone in the comments is going to say about you. I think that- Love you, dude. I love you. And I think a lot of people sort of think this about me, maybe because of social media or something. But right after my mom died, I had someone that was posting on my social media for me, and I kind of forgot about it. I'm grieving. I take a month, I'm totally off social media. And people start, Annie Letterman,

Jesse May Peluso, Tim Dillon just show show up at my house, unannounced, and they're like, we're worried about you. And I'm like, what do you mean? They're like, we're just worried you're not processing the grief or something. I'm like, what do you like? I'm editing the roast, I'm working, I'm reuniting with my sister, I rescued two more horses to do equine therapy. I'm like, totally like being the most person

I've ever been. And you know what I mean? Like, I'm just like, I'm really feeling my feelings and, you know, with the mom stuff, you know? So was it frustrating that they came? By the way, have you ever seen ashes of a person?

Dude, I found a button in her ashes. What was it? What was it for? I'll show you the video. I don't know what it was. No one knows what it was. It was like a little,

we were scooping the ashes, which by the way, ashes, it's not, they don't. Stop, stop, stop. Come back, come back, come back. Don't do your ashes material. I just want to hear about, I want to hear about your friend. But I'm telling you, I'm grieving. Coming to your house. I'm doing everything I need to do. And caring about you. That's what I want to hear about. Yeah, they show up, which by the way. It was probably frustrating. It was probably annoying. No, it wasn't. I was kind of like,

because a lot of people were talking about that they were worried about me and, you know- What an awesome thing. I know, I agree. That people care. But- And they're willing to take time out of their busy days.

But also invite me to dinner. Just like, call me. That's interesting. It's also, you invite me to dinner. Yeah. Also, it's like- You feel like there wasn't enough- No, it was just like,

I think that people think I'm so busy all the time because of social media or something. Everyone's like, I know you're busy. I know you're busy. I'm like, I make time. I make my own schedule. Like, I can do whatever I want. So you felt like there wasn't enough personal connectivity.

No, I think that comics, like it's, you know, we're vampires and I think that, you know, I'm the same way. I know, I, you said who came over? It was Annie, Tim and- Annie, Tim, three of my dearest friends. And who else? Jesse May Peluso.

I don't talk to Annie and Jesse May regularly, but I talk to Tim and I know Tim really cares about you. I love him to death. So just know that. I know. If he took time out of his busy fucking schedule, it's because he fucking cares about you. And we had a similar mom thing where you have this mom that's alive that sort of breaks her heart if she can't live with her, can't live without her kind of thing.

So it meant so much to me that they showed up. Good. And then I kind of was like, oh, am I giving off a vibe that I'm not available to hang and to, cause I feel like I'm always like trying to get dinner. No, you're giving off a vibe that you're fucking falling apart cause you bought two horses. Rescued, bought. I'm not paying money for horses. I'm not like, what kind of Santa Barbara shit are you on fuck out of here I did look into the price of a horse you can get them for cheap these horses

no I can get them for free no don't get a $1400 horse either $200,000 or free there's no in between on a horse yeah that's some fucking nice $1400 horse when I was up in Calgary I was looking looking into it. No, the $1,400 horse is like a... It's the girl.

It's the vagina. No, I was going to say a $1,400 horse is like a $3,500 car. What's wrong with that? It's fine. I'm just saying. It's not going to run that far. It'll get you there. Maybe.

I'm going to erase the fucking thing, but can I go walk around circles or whatever horses do? No, but I think I'm trying to ascertain because I feel like I'm better than I've ever been. And I think I also going off birth control, I had so much energy. And then after my spots at the comedy store, I used to go straight to my mom's nursing home and have to do some gnarly shit every night. I think you're going through a lot. And I think it's really cool that you have friends that care about you enough to show up and just be like, hey, how are you feeling? Are you good? And I know in that moment, it's easy to reject it. You know, like I know once I was- No, I was just trying to understand how I'm perceived.

Let me tell you a story. Okay. I remember we were doing this Netflix special and I was really stressed out because there was a mistake in it. And I was taking Adderall and I kind of yelled at everybody. And I was taking Adderall. And I kind of yelled at everybody.

And Mark called me later that night and he was like, hey man, how you doing? And I was like, I'm good. And I felt a little frustrated at first because I thought he was trying to manipulate me. I thought he was like, hey man, we just want to let you know. Do you think it makes you paranoid? No, no, no. I didn't understand. He was like, hey, I just want to let you know we're, you know,

we care about you and you're great and we love you, man. And I just check in and make sure you're okay. And my first reaction is he's trying to like manipulate me. What the fuck is going on? And then I realized like I'm reacting that way because I probably was feeling insecure because we were going to put this thing out and ultimately I was going to be judged for it. Right. be judged for it, right? And it was really nice that a friend, when I was in a fucked up situation and I was projecting those insecurities that they came and just said, hey man, thank you. I didn't react that way in the moment, but I understood it later. So I guess what I'm saying is if you harbor any resentment for these friends coming to you, just know that they care and that's why they do it. Yeah. And I think that for me, it's like, as you get older, I think there's a way to care, and you have to learn how to care properly with somebody. Everybody cares differently. Totally. But judge them by their intent.

No, but I've already said that I'm not upset. You're trying to push this thing that I'm mad at them. I'm not trying to push anything. I'm not mad at them. You said, call me for dinner. No, but I just said, I was like, what's going on with us as a community that we stopped hanging out off camera too? So I think that a lot of- Dude, it's hard.

But I think also a lot of comedy, like comedians- Akash and I have to plan times to hang out. Yeah. We have wives, we have worlds that we want to do things. Totally, I'm just saying we're in a very high risk profession. Yeah. And it used to be, I think, the way that we stayed sane was having offline conversations in the green room, in the hallway. And now it's like,

save it for the pod. We're monetizing all of our conversations for public consumption, which is great. It's healing a lot of people. People love it. Can I finish before you roll your eyes? Can I finish before you roll your eyes? I apologize. So maybe it's more of an LA thing because of the number of comics that commit suicide. And it's like, after, this will make me cry, after losing Brody. And it's like, after, this will make me cry, after losing Brody, I really check up on people hard. Even people that I know have been shitty to me or talk shit about me. Because I think that once you start gossiping about other comics, you're doing it to self-soothe.

It's an addiction because you hate yourself. And if you're talking shit about me or if you hate me, whatever, then you hate yourself. There's something else going on. It is a problem that a lot of us do. That's really mature of you, though. You got to take the contrary action and just go. It's like if you, because I know how I feel about you and I know how much I want to support you and I know how much I care. So if you're turning on me, you're turning on yourself.

And like, we just have to hug harder. But with the pandemic, I mean, it was kind of wild that, you know, because we're co-workers first and foremost. You know, I think you think comedians are your family. You feel, I felt really close. I never had a family. so I made comedians my family. The pandemic happens and you realize, oh, we're fucking strangers. We just talk because we're at work together. And I was just kind of a little bit naive on my part. Or, oh, all the people, these people that fuck with me, I can provide employment for them or they want something from me, which is great.

Which is great. I love being used. That's not being used. If I can provide, I mean, a big part of doing the OnlyFans roast is I just wanted to fucking employ comics. I wanted to employ writers, and they had so much money. And I was able to pay comics a lot. I was able to hire like 30 comics as writers in New York and LA. Why not? Comedy is just like, as you were saying before. But they're not using you.

They're also doing a job. And they're providing their skills. And you are giving them an opportunity to provide that. Totally. And it's mutual exchange, transactional. But I know what it's like. And what a blessing to be able to do that for them. But I know what it's like to be coming up and, like, want to send someone a packet or ask for a job.

I don't like, I'm like, give me your packet. What are you doing right now? I think you're really good about that. I try to just be super proactive about it. I think you're really good about that. I try to just be super proactive about it. I think you're really good about that. Because if you're funny, like, you know, all these like bullshit, like, I mean, I don't even know what the fuck I would do if I was starting comedy now. Would you start TikTok?

Would you be, like, there's no middle ground. There's no, like, and this is part of the reason I really want to work with OnlyFansTV. I want to break out like OnlyComedyFans, like half hour specials. Like people that aren't you, that can't, you know, necessarily do what you guys yet do what you guys do yet, but like half hours, 15 minutes, like just being able to put specials out somewhere for free. Like, what would you do? What are people are comics now waiting around to get on Fallon? Like what the fuck? Put your content on online. Yeah. Yeah. And yeah, I think you put your content online. I think there's a lot of avenues for you

to put it online for free. But if it's only on your platform, like you have to rely on other people promoting you or getting on podcasts, it's like- Not really, but I hear what you're saying. I think what's cool about the way that you're saying is that there's a financial incentive. You can put money in people's pockets for their hard-earned comedy, et cetera. Like what I'm doing on OnlyFans for my profile, it's mine instead of dirty photos and dirty videos, it's dirty jokes. It's like jokes I kind of like if I were to tell other places, I would like get in trouble or just like unnecessary like Twitter bullshit.

And like after every show in every city, I do roast jokes about the city where I'll like go hard at the sports teams or whatever the fuck. And then I put that on my OnlyFans profile. And so it's like just jokes I can't do anywhere else. So it's like comics could be making so much money doing that. All right, guys, we're going to take a break for a second, all right?

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prevent hair loss, you go to keeps.com slash flagrant to receive your first month of treatment for free. That's keeps.com slash flagrant to get your first month for free. keeps.com slash flagrant, but act now because treatments can take four to six months to see results. So you better act fast. Now let's get back to the show. I love dick pics, cuz I'm obsessed with people's bathrooms and dick pics. I love to be like, Irish Spring has a shower. I like to look in the background.

I love to look in the backgrounds of dick pics, cuz you learn so much. Cuz guys don't think about their backgrounds and you get a lot like do you ever so many dick pics yeah let's go it's like a home tour for me

do you ever when you're on a plane that's good when you send Whitney a dick pic she's like who's your contractor do you ever walk

up and down a plane to see what everybody's watching no that's like my number one way to just like

that is kind of fun just be like what's going on in the zeitgeist? What are people actually watching? I'm normally sitting in the back, so I get a pretty good vantage point, unlike you.

You have to actually trek all the way back there where I'm sitting. See how you fly in Rosa Parks? Yeah, thanks. Wow. Funny. But so I'll walk up and down

because it's like, you know, we delude ourselves into being like, everybody watches Succession, everybody watches this show and this show, and then you walk up and down

like, you know, fucking Spirit. It this show and this show. And then you walk up and down. It's just friends, friends. What is it? Fucking Big Bang Theory. It's just all sort of like that kind of shit. So you had these great intimate relationships, friendships with comics. And then something happened where you felt like it wasn't as, not with the guys you mentioned, but maybe with other people where it wasn't as pure or familial as you thought?

I think that it's such a... You're not the only person to bring this up to me. Yeah, no, no. I think that there's such a deep scarcity complex. I think the type of person that attracts to comedy is already going to be very competitive. I also have a theory that I break down people in my life from people that played team sports and people that didn't. But don't talk about that just yet. I know, but I'm just saying, the people that don't play team sports, it's like me versus you all the time,

where I always see it as a team. I think you see it as a team. You all rise, the ships rise together. Rogan sees everything as a team. I asked Rogan about it. I was like, where did this come from? Because you're like a deeply competitive dude. Like, deeply competitive dude. And I was like, well, why are you so supportive of everybody? Well, it's also there's an arrogance in knowing, like, I know none of these motherfuckers are going to eclipse me. Okay, maybe. Berg Kreischer, I think I can give him a platform. I think I'll be okay.

But maybe it's, I don't know, someone else. Do you know what I mean? Like, maybe it's not that. So I asked him, and he was like, yeah, it's all someone else. Do you know what I mean? Like maybe it's not that. So I asked him and he was like, yeah, it's all martial arts. I go, what do you mean? He goes, we're like doing jujitsu. And like a guy is trying to literally choke me out. He's trying to stop me from breathing.

And he's my teammate. And he's going to help me get better at this. And he's like, yeah, if I didn't have that background to understand that everybody can get better while also competing with one another. Because I think a lot of times people who are in very competitive industries, they think like, oh, I have to silence that person, stop that person. You saw this happen in Hollywood a lot where it's just like, oh, this person fucked me over. Well, no, they get nothing. And the reality doesn't have to be like that. You've seen the success of Drake in hip hop where he basically puts on every other person that could be competitive with him.

He's like, I want to put them on. I'm going to show up at their, he just shows up at the Dreamville Fest the other day and people are talking about how fucking amazing it is.

So instead of being like jealous and hateful, Drake has a concert coming up soon. He's like, yo, let me go show love at this place. And the people

that tend to do that happen to have the most success. So do you think that Rogan, like on some level, it's like he needs a sparring partner? So like that's do that happen to have the most success. So do you think that Rogan, on some level, he needs a sparring partner? So that's why he wants to have good people on? He doesn't see it as there's only one spot. It's just making him better. There's only one spot.

I think he goes, okay, everybody, there can be more than one black belt in jiu-jitsu. There can be more than one black belt in comedy. Also, this is someone, John Mayer said this once to me, and it stuck with me he was like you are you freeze at the age you become famous and like i don't know if that's true or not doesn't matter i say that about molestation sure um i was wearing this when i got lost that is a weird coincidence. And that's odd. No, but that's why you got the little girl voices in a lot of these porn stars and shit like that. They went through something horribly traumatic at 14. Well, it's also a big thing on this as part of the reason that when people get gnarly plastic surgery, women especially,

a lot of times they're trying to change the face of the person that got molested. So they look in the mirror and it's not the same person. Also people with a big clinical obesity is another way, being clinically obese, protecting yourself from being sexual in any way. Anorexia also, you kind of want to be invisible. But what you were saying? About sort of the scarcity complex in comedy. No, John Mayer. Oh, John Mayer, you freeze the HR, you become famous. And Neil Brennan, I was talking about this with him once, because Neil Brennan, there was a time where he would wear, we were writing a movie together, and he would wear jeans and then a t-shirt and a hoodie. And the t-shirt and the hoodie always

matched. It was orange and purple or yellow and blue. And this makes me love Neil so much. I was like, how do you pick what colors go with what? And he was like, he went, team colors. Like all team colors match. And I was like, I guess that's true. But yeah, it's like, that's Charlotte Hornet. But he wore the same thing. And we'd talk about it. And he was like, oh yeah, I think I froze when Chappelle, this is exactly what I wore

when Chappelle's show got big. And you kind of go, this worked. Whatever happened when you got a big success, and so also Rogan, he got so successful doing whatever that is, so why change it? Even if you don't even know why, just keep doing the thing that made you that successful, unless you're Ellen. That's right. Ellen completely flipped it.

I do think you need to keep evolving with your success, and I think that that's how you have, like, that incredibly profound lifetime career. Like, say what you want about, like, the Beatles. I'm not even the biggest Beatles fan. I do not. Dude, the only good song

is when Yoko came on, I'm telling you. Oh, gosh. Hot take? Dude, the Beatles suck. It's music for kids. Atrocious take. Okay, let's assume.

Nightmares. Everybody's starting to shit on the Beatles now. Ah, Houses of... Like, what the fuck are you saying? I don't know if that's a Beatles song. I love this. Yellow Submarine

It's like magic school bus shit It's corny You can also use Jay-Z There's different people whose comedy Or music or whatever it is have evolved You look at a guy like Pryor You look at a guy like Carlin They could have done that cookie cutter clean stuff

Because they had success with it. And they continue to evolve and change. And I think that's how you have longevity in their career. You were talking about earlier, and I think that this often does happen in comedy, is like you can do an impression of yourself. And that's, I think, where you get stunted. Right. So it's a ballsy thing to kind of reflect on where your life is and then, you know, have that comedy also. But then when you have fans that expect a certain thing,

it's like, you know, Dane Cook, I think there were a lot of things that contributed to that sort of going sideways. But I opened for him for a couple times.

I remember we were in Sunrise, Florida, like 40,000 seat arena. Like, it was so, I had to like leave the screaming. People were holding up posters. Yeah.

Like teenagers, whatever. They were holding things. They had, it was not. Once in a generation. whatever, they were holding things. It was not- Once in a generation. It was like a rock show. It was not like a comedy show. I was like so loud. And then he was doing such physical stuff in the cashew. And then his brother stole from him. Still have questions about that. And his parents, I guess, died. And then I saw him at the improv one night and he was trying darker shit. Good. He was doing something that was And parents, I guess, died. And then I saw him at the improv one night, and he was, like, trying, like, darker shit, you know? Good.

He was doing something that was, like, about having an abortion joke that was, like, really funny. Good. But it was just coming from him. And it was, like— And if your fans really fuck with you and they're really interested in you— They'll be in to see that. They're going to be interested in this life change. But don't you think it didn't really— I don't know.

I can't say anything. Only Dan can speak on that because I don't know how he's reflecting on it. I think they wanted that, like, energy, that, like, super physical comedy. I think that's what I can't say. I think only Dan can speak on that because I don't know how he's reflecting on it. I think they wanted that energy, that super physical comedy. I think that's what people signed up for. You just got to make sure the new version of whatever you're doing is even hotter than the last one. Because don't you think sometimes- It's still authentic. It's still authentic and pure because people are going to gravitate to the authenticity.

This is why I want to go back to half hours. It was so big that he got big to a point where everybody's just going to drag him down. Like you can't get that big without upsetting a lot of people and they're going to try their best to bring you down. Just like Neil Brennan said once, he said to me once, he was like, if I wanted to, if I was going to be a comedy manager, I would just walk into comedy clubs and sign whoever the comedians hate it. Like, who do you hate? Signing them. But it was also like, he was also so self-generating like it wasn't cool to be self-generating

like it's cool that you're self-generating like taking matters into your own hands like hustling back then like like my spacing people all day was kind of like corny

like comics sat around and smoked pot all day and the idea is you're just this genius I think trying I think one of the cool things that I'm seeing now in comedy is that like

comedians are into trying trying hard is not lame I mean when I started everyone was like you're so ambitious trying hard was lame yeah but thatians are into trying trying hard is not lame i mean when i started everyone's like you're trying hard was lame yeah but that's because it's like well no trying hard was lame because there was an opportunity where you didn't have to try hard at anything except the art like you could just go do whatever you want and then there's going to be an exec who's like we're going to make you a star and then it kind of worked for some people yeah and i think a cool transition right now and i think one of the reasons why we're in a comedy boom is because comedy can be more authentic because comedians are trying.

Yeah. They're trying and they're creating the art they want to make. I also think comedians, every now and then I get my ass handed to me when I see a meme made by someone that's not a comic. You're like, wait, people are fucking funny, dude. Yo, people are funny. We got to step it up, dude. We think we're the only funny people. We're not.

The internet is way funnier than all of us. Dude, we just happen to have the delusional confidence to go up on stage. When I see Bill from accounting just made this meme, I'm like, dude, you're not gonna make a career out of this? They're like, no, I'm not in that. No, there are tons of absolutely hilarious people out there, and now they all have access for their, I guess, comedy talents, And they're gonna put it up there and it's gonna succeed. And you can find comedy whenever you want. So to me, when I do shows

now, I'm like, what can I offer that? And I think that's part of why in the roast, I decided to go for that emotional vulnerable moment. Because I was like- Because everybody's gonna be doing these roast jokes. You guys know I can do jokes. I've done them before. I can get laughs. I'm also the boss of this. You know what I'm saying? I can give myself the best set. I'm also not gonna be the person that produces a roast and then has all the fucking haymakers hitting it. My friends showed up. I paid that.

I'm not gonna embarrass them. I'm gonna try to embarrass myself or do something kind of experimental. It could totally bomb. And that might have. That might make people really uncomfortable. But same thing with the robot. I was at the point where I was like, okay, I can get laughs. I can get an applause break.

I can get a standing ovation. But can I get a, I want to give people something memorable, and a feeling that they wouldn't normally feel in comedy. And then I think a lot of times in specials and shows, it just turns into this monotonous, ha, ha, ha, ha. And you're kind of laughing because you've been trained to laugh, like Pavlovian. So I wanted to break that up and see if I could still earn laughs after it. It's like watching Bill Burr go on, he'll go on in the OR and he'll come out with some just

wild shit just to put himself in a hole so he can dig himself out of it. And when he came out, this was years ago, he's like, so Kanye, he's like, I think we can all agree that black people and white people are different. Just something that like, ooh, everything, like let me finish, it's all like, let me finish. But he was in such a hole and watching himself dig out of it. I'm like, that's how you stay great and don't plateau. 100%. You have to also do comedy for people

that aren't your fans. So my next tour, I just want to pop on other people's tours or something, featuring and stuff, to see, because if it's only your fans, it becomes a rally. 100%. You know? No, yeah. Well, yeah, I think that when you're working the act, it shouldn't only be in front of your fans. And I think that's how you get undeniable and strong.

Obviously, that becomes more difficult as you become more famous, right? Because everybody's familiar. Chris Rock, everybody knows who he is. Adejabou, everybody knows. But I think like working and sculpting the act. And then I think when you tour, you shouldn't hope your fans don't come out. I think that's the greatest privilege. No, I think it's just like getting good,

like the store just showing up. Like I always want to put my name on, like, you know, but to just show up and- I think it's a balance of both. It has to earn. I think we have, I was talking to somebody about this yesterday, a hilarious comic, his name is Daniel Simonson.

It's brilliant. This kid is so funny. Is he in New York? He's New York. He's originally from Norway. He is so funny. I think he has a residency at like the St. Mark's Theater in New York, but go check it out. He's just so funny. Anyway. Residencies are fascinating to me. Yeah, so he's like, so he was like,

I noticed that you put your name on the lineup at the cellar. And, because there's certain people who will use like an alias or whatever like whatever. And some people have to for, they have stalkers and specific things like that. Okay, no one's, as you said. I have stalkers too. Some people, no, no, no, it's probably been

an issue. If you can't beat up your own stalker, you don't deserve to be famous. So, but I told him, I was like, yeah, it's like, you gotta also give back to the clubs. Like for years, you perform at the clubs, you take the stage time, and they invest in you. That's right.

And then if you get to the point where you can't also invest in them or you can get invested in them, and then you go, oh, no, don't put it up there. Yeah. I don't know. Now, that being said, you can balance it. Yeah. But like I'd look at the lineups in LA. I'd see Bill Burr on the lineup, Sebastian on the lineup, you're on the lineup, Rogan's

on the lineup. They put their names on there. Always. I'm not going to go- It's a punk ass move, I think, to not- That's just my personal opinion. I think we owe it to the clubs because they let us fucking- By the way, you're even safer if there's proof of where you are.

No one's going to kill you. You're worried about kidnapping and that kind of stuff. Well, it's also, no, I'm not at all. It's like Gavin DeBecker, the book, The Gift of Fear Will Change Your Life. Anyone that gives you, no one that's actually going to kill you is going to give you a heads up. So if someone's like, death threats is the safest thing you can get. This never comes in my mind, whoever the death threats thing is. But I do agree with you. It's like working the act in front of people who are surprised they don't know.

It's like, I think there was a time where at the store, Joey Diaz was going up every Wednesday, Thursday, and I would follow Joey Diaz and going up every Wednesday, Thursday. And I would follow Joey Diaz and everyone would be there to see him in the main room. And I would literally have to stretch before that was, because everyone was there to see him. He would destroy, the building would be shaking. And then you'd go out and you'd have to reset. And every night I'd have to wait longer and longer to start. You have to let everyone just miss him, process, reset the energy.

Sebastian would do, also I'd watch him follow Joey Diaz. Motherfucker would just pace like a panther. He would just be like, I'm not speaking until you guys are done missing him.

Yeah. Because there's no host at the comedy store also, so there's no one resetting the energy. There's a- Which I love that Rogan's Club doesn't

have hosts too. Yeah. And that's maybe also real quick. Shit. This is making me realize how I might have gotten hoodwinked in thinking that I was closer to comics than I thought. It's because when you bring on other comics, like, this next comic, good friend of mine.

My greatest friend. She's one of my best friends. And I'm like, really? Tony Hinchcliffe. He has a funny name for his show. He was doing the comedy mothership. He calls it Tony Hinchcliffe, he has a funny name for his show. He was doing the comedy mothership. He calls it Tony Hinchcliffe and his current friends. My comedy mothership next week is Whitney Cummings,

and I told them to put friends in quotes. Friends in quotes. No, but I remember going up when I was younger in comedy when I just got passed out of the cellar going up after a tell. And I really learned that there's just levels to the game because he was just operating on so many different levels it was like great jokes crowd work personality like all these things were happening seamlessly and then I would go up and I'd be like what's going on here like

I have jokes like why is this not kind of connecting and it really forced me to learn how to like develop that connection so I don't know. I think we embrace those things. But also, Atel, he did one thing on Rogan that reminded me sort of our job as comedians. And I think that a lot of us forget sometimes that it's our job to surprise. It's like, surprise, surprise. The ideas are taken one way. How am I going to surprise you? And what I love about what Sebastian does is he'll say a premise about something.

He'll say, for example, I remember one time he was in the OR and he was like, anyone here have a Blu-ray? And he just holds. Yeah. And then people already start laughing because they already have their own experience with a Blu. They try to work it. So they're already like, I have a funny thing about a Blu-ray. And then he's got his thing, which is a killer. He's obviously got a better joke than them. So you get two for the price of one. They get to participate in what their punchline is, and then he gives the next punchline.

You know? Where am I going with this? Do you know? Talking about operating on all cylinders. And the people that are at the most elite. Something you learned from a tell on Rogan. Okay, so I think that I'm watching a lot of comedy, thank you, that is like, kind of, feels like it's a similar chat GPT, meta, TikTok, like the same references over and over again.

And if you're on a book show, by the time the audience, four comics in has already heard chat GPT seven times, abortion Texas. It's our job to have these esoteric references. And to me, I wanna be the drug dealer of nostalgia. I wanna be like Santa Claus with some unsurprised shit, right? So that's part of the reason I wanted to make Roseanne. That nostalgia drug, like this Lisa Frank shit, when people see Lisa Frank, what brands can do that for people? To just that instant. And what references, which is why I'm trying to really take time to read more.

I know that sounds stupid, but truly read. The information you have in your head will define your jokes. But it's also about our references, the words that we use, and being so specific about it. So Attell was on Rogan, and he's just funny even when he's not trying to be funny. And he said something about the outdoor dining in New York. And Rogan was like, why is there still outdoor dining in New York? He's like, yeah, I don't know. He's like, I went in one of those outdoor dining things. I felt like I was in a manger. It's funny. Perfect word. It's like manger. It's like the perfect way to describe it. I'd heard a lot of people do outdoor dining jokes.

It's like that simple. It's like a fucking manger. So it's like a word that wasn't in the rotation necessarily. And you have to make sure certain references are in the rotation so you can get that perfect cut. Like whether it's like, you know, like that Michaels or, you know what I mean? The Delia's catalog, like these little references that make people go like, oh, shit, you know? And it like lights them up and unifies people because I think it's comics like we try to divide sometimes. But unifying a crowd with some universal reference, slap bracelet, Princess Diana Beanie Baby, whatever it is, like those deep cuts, I feel like masterfully working in those, like, references elegantly.

Yeah. Really. And also when you go from town to town, changing them and catering them to the town. So it's like, I've started going, oh, it's my responsibility now that I've been to this city seven times. I'm going to go in a day early instead of flying the day of and I'm going to go in and I'm going to have dinner at the restaurant everyone tells me to go to. And I'm like really catered. Learn about the city. Yeah, I'm really catered because I've been to every city, but I haven't really enjoyed it.

You don't do anything in the city. Yeah. And cities, it's weird. Since the pandemic, I feel like cities are more unique or something. It used to kind of be like everyone's got a Maggiano's, every city kind of felt the same. But now in the pandemic, there's some city pride thing that feels like it's deepened. And I mean, just from being there, there's a lot more like, I don't know, it just feels like the people from Cincinnati are like, really, everyone's from Cincinnati now. Where it used to be like, I, you know. I think there's more city pride. No one can afford to leave the city anymore. So they had to commit. Yeah, they're like, they're lifers. They're lifers now.

Or something, but there was just, I think, city pride that came out with the trauma bonding of the pandemic or something. Isolationism. Yeah. They're becoming tourists in their own town, probably. Totally, and the trauma bond. I just feel like if you make fun of the local mayor about the mask thing, everyone's like, fuck. Everyone's kind of bonded in an odd way. Yeah, well, they had a group experience. Did you find after the pandemic, there were a lot of fights in your crowds? I had fights almost every show. Really?

Breaking out, yeah. What kind of fights? Just fucking, I have a video from the Dallas show at the Majestic. I think it was just people were so tense, shoulder to shoulder, exhaling droplets on each other, and there was still like a... Anxiety. It was at the places that didn't have masks. I remember doing shows during the pandemic at like 25% capacity or whatever, and those were

fucking nightmares. Nightmare. And it was election time, and the election felt so high stakes, the audiences were no fun. Everything felt like we shouldn't be joking about this. And it was already, they're too far apart to really let a contagious laugh happen. Comedy during the pandemic was the fucking worst. But don't you feel like whatever this cancel culture of charade, whatever people talk about has been like the best thing for comedy? Yes.

Like, I feel like there's tension again. There's eggshells on the ground. I feel like it's done. Why don't they, I just, it's been a good thing for comedy. Oh, no, it was a great thing for comedy, for sure, but I feel like now it's done. Like, now comedy's

gonna get really weird and, like, meta. Well, I just feel like it was impossible to shock anyone four years ago. Here's the best way to look at it,

and I'll give Ronnie Chang credit for this. He said something like this. He was like, comedians, we make fun of institutions. Sometimes comedy gets so big it becomes an institution,

and then comedians start to make fun of it. And that's what meta-comedy is, essentially. It's like making fun of comedy. But comedy needs to be so popular in order for there to be comics to make fun of it. When comedy isn't that popular, you can't even make the joke about corny comedy because people are unfamiliar with about corny comedy because people are unfamiliar with what corny comedy is they don't know what hacky comedy is they don't know any of these things so now that comedy is in this like absolute boom never been this big ever in

history and comedy in america is not that old i mean it's like stand-up comedy in america is like i mean the biggest it probably got was like the 80s before this. 80s I heard was crazy. You know what I want to do? I want to like do some shows in the Catskills. Yeah, go back. How come we never, like I feel like there's like not a lot of gigs there.

Catskills is starting to get popping again. Really? So the Catskills were this place where like the Borscht Belt comedy lived. Dirty Dancing was set there.

It was like, well Jews weren't allowed to do comedy in New York, country clubs, so they were like forced to go out to the Catskills. But like why don't we, that's like a tradition that I feel like we should

I don't know, or not. I mean, it has to pay well. Probably right. You guys have to have a lot of cash. But it's weird that we don't do that. But Vegas, Atlantic City plays, that always feels like... But it's also comedy's gotten so popular. It's interesting to see this fascination with female comedians. The show's Marvelous Mrs.

Maisel and Hacks, but it's like they love the idea of talking about female comics, but no female comedians, you know, like the show's Marvelous Mrs. Maisel and Hacks, but it's like, they love the idea of talking about female comics, but no female comedians are involved. They're like, we don't actually want them in the writers. I mean, not that I would want to be, you know, but why not hire a couple female comedians? No, Marvelous Mrs. Maisel had a writer. Esther Steinberg, I think, was a writer. Oh, okay, that's good, that's good. I'm pretty sure. And then I think the girl in Hacks that's not a comic in the show, I think is. Oh, yes, that's right, that's right. Lorraine Newman's daughter is the younger girl. But I guess

it kind of like, I mean, and look, I have comic brain so I'm always going to look for the crack or the devil's advocate. But the idea that the show Hex, it's like what would be a believable story about a famous female comedian who has a Vegas residency, she's in her 60s. Like, she can't write jokes.

That can't write jokes. That, can't write jokes. Nice. Oh, is that the story? Needs a writer. Are we known for having people just write our jokes for us? Wait, is that the story of that? Yeah, it's like she is becoming-

You got stale, I think. She got stale and is having someone. I just don't think anyone can write jokes for other people. I used to do it when I first started for a couple comics that were kind of very, I don't know, hokey in a way. But when I hear comics have writers, I'm like, how could, like, I can brainstorm with people.

But the idea that someone's like, here's a joke, and you just do it. But it can't be pure. It can't be authentic. So bizarre. Like, why would you, there's no point of doing comedy. I feel like that's going to happen a lot more now because comedy is more, it's like the DJ now. You know how every celebrity was becoming a DJ? Now I feel like every Instagram influencer is becoming a comic. Yeah. It's like the way to monetize your internet fame. Yeah. If you're funny online- So now writers are going to get-

Exactly. So your agent is going to come go, hey, why don't you do a tour? And then we'll get these writers to write you enough jokes where people can come out and see you. Well, a lot of these people- But then they go watch and it's like, oh, this isn't real comedy. This is what happens a lot of times to the internet comedians. I mean, we're all internet comedians, but the ones who don't do stand-up is like, they make some money one time around. Yeah. And then that second tour-

It's basically a big meet and greet. Don't look the same. They just go, they do 10 minutes and then photos, but that's exactly right. They'll come once, but they're not gonna, the idea with us is that you come and then next year you bring back five of your friends. And the next year it's a family reunion. And that puts the onus on us to write a show that they got to tell people about. Or that they go like when this person is in town. Because I also wanted to work with, I wanted to work IMAX.

What the viewers want the most with IMAX is comedy. And I was talking to Megan Roybal, the head of IMAX, and I was like, yeah, why don't we all do, like, five minutes on each city, whatever, and, like, there's an IMAX that'll play, like, all of us of when we're coming to their town. When you're at, you know, in Cincinnati, you'll do five minutes on Cincinnati,

get paid, put it in this IMAX thing, they can come see it on Christmas, Thanksgiving, whatever, it promotes everyone's shows. Like, there's just so much, like. I don't think people want to go see comedy in the theaters. Yeah, I mean, it's the IMAX. I think they want to watch it at home. I think the only things that people will.

I'll just keep saying it. I know, we both, I was like. The only things that people will watch in the theaters in the near future will be big, like, Avatar, Maverickick type films, big action. Marvel. And then horror. They'll see those two. I think at home, rom-coms will never be in a movie theater ever again or successful in one.

And I think they will watch weird stuff that they've never seen before. So, for example, experimental film like Everything Everywhere Everywhere Once or whatever, that type of film is just so unexplainable that you go, oh, this is experiential in its own way and this is the only way

I can see it, so I'll watch it there. But the traditional rom-com, like... I don't fully agree because I think there are theaters popping up. Sorry to interrupt.

There are theaters popping up that cater to those movies. Like an I-pick, it's great for a date night. You just have your little pod with your girl. I think that's the thing. Everyone will always need somewhere to go on a date. But the numbers for the rom-coms, anytime they go into

theaters, they've been low. But then, exactly, so it's like, what's been doing well in theaters? Horror, big, big budget action, that's it. But that's also because, remember, for me, movies were a babysitter. Like, my aunt would drop me off,

you'd go to the movies and you'd walk around the mall. It was like, Adam Sandler was our babysitter. You know, it was like, it was not so much. But look where Adam Sandler's

stuff is now. Streaming. Yeah. Because the genre of film works for streaming. Do you remember when Kevin Hart released a special in the theater?

Yeah, I was just, that's what I was going to say. Oh, is that what you were saying? Yeah. So it's like, that did well special in the theater? Yeah, I was just... That did well. That did well. That was like 15 years ago. But let me ask you something. If your fans come out... When we went out to the theater for that,

now going out to the theater for... I think comedies can be the biggest streaming movie in the world. As long as it's easy access. But like, putting on pants and getting a babysitter to see the same storyline with different

actors in it. Don't get babysitters, that's how I got molested. Take your kid to the movie. Don't put that on Adam Sandler. Come on. He's a nice guy. So it's like, and Adam, I think, did a great job his movie's absolutely crushed on netflix he just put the new one out with jennifer aniston which i think is

like murder murder mystery 2 yeah yeah and it's like yeah those are gonna kill that movie with the uh about the gay rom-com what is it called billy eichner's it was by the way hilarious okay so that movie i didn't see it so if it is good he kind of turned it into homework and he turned it into like like if you don't go see this, you're homophobic. And people are like, don't make it, don't yell at me. The point is, if that's streaming, it does so much better. The fact that you gotta buy that,

even if you're a straight dude, you gotta walk up to the thing, can I get two to the gay movie? You know what I mean? There's already a barrier of entry. There's a long ass line. You got your fucking, your gym coach or whatever is's called bros, yeah. You're like gym coach or whatever is too bad.

Oh, what are you going to see? Oh, Maverick? Black Panther. I'm going to see Maverick. You know what I mean? So it's like, but put that online. But Top Gun is... Maverick is so much gayer than bros. Yes.

100%. Also, dude, you guys are worried about me. Why does Val Kimmerer look like a nutcracker, dude? Because he's dying to answer. He went to fucking Sager's gum guy. Dude, he's done. He's actually dying.

Did you see the documentary about him, though? There's a documentary about him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where he's like using the box to do the shit. He didn't really speak

in the movie. No, I mean. That's all CGI. He can't speak. There's a documentary about him that no one will talk about that is devastating. Really?

It's just like him, which actually the first Hollywood party I ever went to was at Val Kilmer's house randomly. And I had just, I was very poor. Were you the nutcracker there? I was. I had just gotten this pair of pants from Victoria's Secret catalog. Not known for their high quality. I, before I was like, like did stand up, like before you did stand up, did you do things that quality. Before I did stand-up, before you did stand-up, did you do things?

Who did Epstein's Island, by the way? Who? Les Wexner. Val Kilmer did. No, you, by wearing Victoria's Secret. Les Wexner is the only client of Epstein and he has made money. Oh, that's right. There were a lot of secrets. Victoria had a bunch, but there were a lot more.

Victoria's 12th. Yeah. But I went into his house. It was like, I don't know. People just had parties. Before Me Too, you could just have 20-year-olds in your house. No one gave a shit. No one worried about lawsuits. I don't even know why the fuck I was in there, because had he looked at me sideways, I would have been like, settlement. I was the bitch that would have needed to do something desperate. But do you have anything that before you became a comedian, scratched that itch in other ways? Like I was like always the funny dancer on the dance floor. Yeah. I was like funny dance. Now you won't catch me dancing at all. I already get to get

my attention. You had an outlet though. Exactly. But I was like funny dancer. So I was like Val Kilmer's house. I'm like, I, like, funny dancer. So I was, like, Val Kilmer's house. I'm, like, I got to be a funny dancer. And rich people, dude, their houses are all, like, so slick. Oh, yeah, yeah. Like, slick. It was just, like, a marble something. Pristine.

So I just, I do, like, a go down to try to be funny, whatever, and rip my pants wide open. I'm wearing a red thong, so it kind of just looks like I have a bloody ass. It's just like a bad news. And I just beelined into Val Kilmer's closet and took a shirt and just wrapped it around my waist. And it was like some,

it was like a purple Hugo Boss shirt. Every guy has that lilac shirt. You didn't go home? No, I didn't have a car. I was with a group of people. That would have been a good idea. She had another song coming up i was home as far as i was concerned that was the most loving family environment i've ever been in and i put it around my waist and it was like a very obviously like like shirt you would notice

that and then he starts talking to me and I'm wearing his shirt around my waist. And I'm like, is he going to fucking notice that I took one of his shirts? And it never did. And then I sold it at Buffalo Exchange. I made like $40. Wow.

When I had no money, I used to sell people's clothes. Hollywood bling ring. I was really good friends with Sean Lennon. I was in an acting class with him and we were like good friends and he would stay at my house

sometimes and he would leave shirts there that were like, like Duran Duran, like John Lennon, like shirts. And I would take them my house sometimes and he would leave shirts there that were like Duran Duran, John Lennon shirts, and I would take them to Buffalo Exchange and sell them. There's some hipster wearing an authentic John Lennon tee right now at Bushwick. They knew right away what it was and I would be able to get

like 80 bucks and he'd be like, do you have insurance? I'd be like, I haven't. I don't know. I've told him since. What are your thoughts on Nepo babies? I mean, look, I... She just said she was good friends with Sean Lennon. What the fuck

do you want her to say? No, I come from... She knows all of them. But it's also like I'm the opposite because it's like Michael Patrick King said to me once,

he's who I made the show Two Broke Girls with. He was like, the problem with you is that you're an outsider that looks like an insider and most of the insiders look like outsiders.

So it was like, Lena Dunham has connections to Hollywood, you Hollywood, and then I don't at all, but I'm the one that gets all the shit. So I don't- How do you think that is? Maybe- I think I maybe want it more. I think that there's- You don't think there's- I think that when you come- Has anything to do with the way you look and the way that Lena looks?

That was not exactly an example. She's half Jewish. That's what it is. Whatever. Schumer, whoever. I think that- Yeah, That was not exactly an example. She's half Jewish. That's what it is. Whatever. Schumer, whoever. I think that- Yeah, that's a much better example. When you come from money, you have the privilege of not being desperate.

And I would like, the show would come out, I would desperately be like, watch this, please. I'm hungry. You're all over it. I have two parents that had strokes

without health insurance. I need to sell these tickets. It's casino pachanga. And if you're a nepo baby doing that, you're like- You're trying to do what? Yeah, if people think you come from money, it's like, why do you need so much? But I think people just couldn't wrap around their heads that I come from, I had $7 for seven years.

Do you think people really have an issue with nepotism or they have an issue with themselves just not getting a role? Hollywood's never been fair. Why should it be? That's the thing. It's like neither sports. Now, this is a fucking wild take that the guys don't really appreciate. I think it's...

Sorry, can I say something about Nepo Babies? No, I was in the middle of a sentence. I know, but if we're moving on... I know, but we're not moving on. It's about this. It's about this. The Nepo Babies' parents, right, a lot of them, got raped for their roles in Hollywood so that their kids wouldn't have to work so hard to get in Hollywood.

So don't – aren't they justified in the same way that like Akash's family comes over here, works their ass off so that he could be a comedian, right? Like haven't those families paid the ultimate price for their kids to have it a little easier? Yeah. Whereas like some actress whose parents didn't get raped. Yeah. Want to be actress. Now all of a sudden thinks she should just get the role. Yeah, but that's flawed inherently in that if you're the dad that's famous, you probably

did raping and didn't get raped. I don't believe it. So if it's just the mom that's famous, if it's just the mom that's famous, they should be able to be nepo baby. I think consensual sex was a very recent thing. That's fair. Say again? I think consensual sex is a very recent- I'm really just talking about this whole Me Too movement. Yes, yes, yes, yes. I just think it's more- I feel like it was easy for those parents. I think anyone putting their children in acting is a creep, whether they were in it, whether

they weren't in it. I think it's bizarre. If you have been in the business and you- I think that's fair as a general rule. And I think if you've been in the business and you know what it's about, and you put your kid in it, I think you're a worse person. But it's not about put your kid in it. Because I think it's your form of narcissism.

You value it so much. And like we learned earlier with you, you want to be inside the box that your dad cared so much about. So imagine your parents, the only thing they talk about is film, TV, movies. This person doesn't deserve this. This person deserves that.

The only thing that's important, their whole world is wrapped around it. That's how you're going to get the attention from these parents who maybe not in your life that much is if you succeed the thing that's important, their whole world is wrapped around it. That's how you're going to get the attention from these parents who may be not in your life that much is if you succeed, the thing that they're good at. Yeah, I mean, and I think that when I look at the actors that I know that you're kind of referring to, I just don't think they're that as conscious. I think that that generation of people in the business, what they witnessed, what they

saw, I told the story of my last special about a director that took me into his trailer when I was trying to get Taft Hartley. And, you know, he lunged at me. And it was like he was, you know, trying to do something sexual with me. I was, like, so stunned and confused. I truly thought he had, like, fell. Like, it was, like, such an, like, it was so, like, not, there was no buildup. There was no, you know, touching the knee. He just, like, lunged at me.

And I was like, are you okay? Like I thought he had like a heart attack or something. How embarrassing. It was awful. To try to rape someone and get sympathy. Dude, it was so, and then in that moment I realized that I embarrassed him and it was just, and I'm like trapped with this motherfucker that like never hears no. I'm like totally frozen.

I'm fine. Doesn't matter. But when you, I look back at that, you know, that had happened so many times with so many girls and there were so many times with so many girls. And there were so many people around that witnessed it. Now that I've run shows, made movies, or on sets, at least 30 people saw that. Because it's a lot of people's job to know where the director is. So I think it's like, even if you haven't participated in some bullshit, you've witnessed some bullshit. And to in any capacity want your kids to participate in that,

especially girls, I think it's just a narcissistic comp like, I'm famous and I want my kid to be famous too or I don't wanna have to parent. It's like a trait of narcissism is that you see your kids as an extension of yourself. When I hear about a celebrity that has a kid that I've never seen on a red carpet, and you're like, they have another one that no one's seen. I'm like, that's fucking awesome. Honestly, the person that I think has handled being a nepo baby the best at this point is Chet Hanks. He's like, I'm doing my thing, dude. Because to me, it's also the way

maybe that they don't get pride the same way. I derive pride through everything I have I earned. I did it the hard way. And like, I don't want anything I don't deserve. Like, that's just me personally. I like grew up on a lot of like and my mom was for all intents and purposes a gold digger. It was a lot of we date this guy and we get this stuff. And I was kind of pressured to date older men that would, cuz they had a car, they could pick me up from school, they would get her a watch. And then it was like, don't fuck it up with this guy. It's just like, I don't want anything I don't deserve.

And I think if you're born into a famous family, you're always gonna, I mean, it's like Paris Hilton. She works so hard. She's an animal because it's like she wants to be known as her own thing. And she has to work so hard to get out from under the Hilton name. And it's kind of like just between her and herself at this point, because it doesn't feel good to her for people to go like, well, everything she has is because of this. She's trying to prove that she could have done it without it. And I think feeling that sucks. I mean, it was like a little version for me is when I was first on TV, it was on Chelsea Handler's show. And I was like, oh, God, doing this a lot.

Obviously, I was able to sell out clubs and I was able to build a fan base, whatever. But I was like, am I always going to feel like I have this because I was on Chelsea's show? What's wrong with that? Nothing. But I think I have a thing in my head that's like, oh, I just wanna make sure I've earned it all myself. But no one earns it all yourself. I have so much because of Charlamagne. I have so much because of Rogan. I have so much because of MTV. But the person that you showed up, the person you were on their shows, but being born as a Nepo baby, I just would always hate myself. Just being like, you know, I didn't get a chance to build something on my own or no

one is ever going to. Yeah, but you were born pretty. That's an advantage. You were born smart. That's an advantage. Yeah. I also think trauma is a privilege. Like I always like no one, I guess, should intentionally inflict trauma on their children.

Although I feel like we can bring back hitting kids. I'm not even kidding. should intentionally inflict trauma on their children, although I feel like we can bring back hidden kids. I'm not even kidding. The kids I see around, I'm like, he just needs one, like, just... My mom... A joke. ...was never around.

That was a joke. My mom, just this little... Like, don't you feel like... Yeah. ...you meet people... They didn't stop in some community. But you meet people who you're like... It's only white people.

Like, we need to bring back hidden kids. No, but it's like, oh, it never stopped. It's just white people. Rich white... And also, not all white people. Just the rich ones that live in New York and LA. Your housekeeper sells a chancla in her hands.

She's ready to go. Rule of thumb. Is it rule of thumb? The etymology of that? It's the width of a stick you're allowed to hit your wife with. Do you ever meet someone that the only thing holding them back in life is just getting hit once in a bar?

A good punch in the face. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Someone that's just like killing it on social media, like just plays too much. You're just like. Why do people always think that like that's going to stop it? The biggest assholes are the ones that have gotten punched in the face and then have realized it ain't that bad. Yeah, yeah. There's this idea like, oh, we just need to get punched in the face.

And then everybody goes, oh, I guess we should stop. World War I and World War II bad. Yeah, yeah. There's this idea like, oh, we just need to get punched in the face and then everybody goes, oh, I guess we should stop. World War I and World War II happened. Yeah, yeah. The Germans didn't learn a lesson. It's the dumbest idea I've ever heard.

Oh, we're just one punch in the face and then everybody's normal. Yeah. No. They just get better head movement. They're worse.

Hurt people hurt people, right? Like you abuse a kid, they abuse more. They don't go, well, i'm never gonna be bad yeah yeah it's not how it works i think sometimes like i think it depends on the age i think that like humbling like i had a couple humbling experiences like when i was a kid and i think being embarrassed in a in a way that you can cope with to be better like because i think

you know they say i don't know who they is um, but that comedians become comedians to control how they're embarrassed because our biggest fear is embarrassment. And I realized at a young age, I had bad skin, but I was always the kid that didn't have the right uniform, and the permission slip was never signed. When you're from an alcoholic home, everything's a mess. I would go to school late. I was the kid that in the photos, I was like a fucking wet just covered in like smuckers and shit like i was just like a mess you know because my parents didn't have their shit together i had a nice head lice i always got sent home for head lice you had head lice yes dude i had head like you definitely multiple times i have it right now i had head lice for so long because

if you have it it's like like all the kids have, but you have to clean your sheets and vacuum. And remember that shit, Nix and RID? My parents wouldn't do the stuff to clean the house. And I would steal brushes from, I'd stole from, I would go to sleepovers just to steal from rich kids' houses. And I would steal brushes because they had these fancy ass brushes. And I was using a fork like fucking Little Mermaid or some shit. So it's like, I just wanted nice things.

And we never had nice brushes, so I would steal them. And I had headlights a lot. but that embarrassment I think is something that will fucking get you dude. And I think every now and then when you're, you know, getting humble, like my mom, like she made a lot of mistakes, like didn't want me, wasn't loving, didn't say I love you, you know? But one time because she was like dating, she was always dating men to make money. I didn't realize that's what it was. I only saw it as you're leaving me, you're leaving me.

And I stole money out of her purse. My sister and I were running around the street. We were like homeless, like going to raves and shit. We weren't homeless. We didn't want to go home. We were living on the street. And I took money out of her wallet. And she was like, did you steal money out of my wallet?

And I said, who cares? You're going to make more anyway because you're a hooker. And she smacked me so fucking hard. I mean, I remember hitting the wall and then hitting the ground. And my first thought, I just was like, thank God. I was like, finally. Like it felt, I was like, finally, she mothered me. Like I was like, you know, they say that kids actually prefer abuse to neglect because at least you know you exist.. Like, you know, they say that kids actually prefer abuse to neglect because at least you know you exist. Or at least you know

they care in some capacity. And it's like, that's how bad it had to get for her to pay any kind of attention to me. Right. Or discipline me in any way. You were antagonizing

her reaction. Yeah, like, I was just like a punk. And like, I wanted someone to just fucking humble me. Or like, you know, you just see how far you can go. I mean, you see with,

you know, the animals, like working with animals, like they'll just test, test, test until you push back because they just want to know where they stand. And boundaries are a way of showing you care.

And I just wanted not to be in charge because I was the one that was making breakfast. I had to drive her to the ER when she would, I had to drive myself to school. She would drive me to her job and then I drunk drive me to her job

and forget to take me to school. And I just wanted someone else. I wanted to be domed or whatever. And so that, I remember lying on the ground and it feeling so good for that split second. Like, oh, I have a parent who's willing to do something that's uncomfortable for the greater good. Or she has some self-respect or something. I don't know. Or clarity. Your daughter's a fucking asshole. Why are you, do something, you know? Like, we're running around on the street.

We're stealing from you. Like, we're doing drugs. Like, what the fuck is your plan? Why don't you care? And you, why didn't you do this five years ago? Did anything change after that or was it the same behavior? I, I think after that I kind of just went cold with her. Like, we kind of became roommates because, you know, I've never heard of this.

But in the custody battle, my dad got my sister and my mom got me. So we were in separate houses instead of like dad gets weekends and mom gets weekdays. Like we were separated and I lived in an apartment with my mom, like a really small apartment. And we were just like weird, awkward roommates. That's odd. They usually never separate the kids. It's like psychotic. How old were you? Well, when we lived, when I came back, I went, I was like sent away to live in Virginia with my aunts for a while, which is also another, when you're raised by not parents, that's kind of like a, I didn't realize how odd that was

because I was raised by aunts that didn't have kids, you know? So it's like, they just got me like 10, but we're like, hey, drive to the grocery store. And you're like, I'm a child, you know, like they didn't have maternal, you know, instincts necessarily. And they were like, hey, drive to the grocery store. And you're like, I'm a child. They didn't have maternal instincts necessarily. And they were like, did drugs and whatever. They just kind of were taking me in and they didn't know how long I would be there, I guess. So it was just a very lawless sort of thing. And that's when I really started checking out into fantasy and intrigue of like, I don't know, when you first remember visualizing your future or writing jokes or whatever. There was a typewriter downstairs and I used to write observations about doilies. When you have that much time on your hands and all you're doing is observing things,

you're like, so I'd write these little witty things. And then I would interview myself. It's funny you bring up Oprah. I would fantasize about being on Oprah as a guest. This is so psycho. And I think that the coping mechanism of it was like, I'm picturing myself having overcome it already. Do you know what I mean? You were on the other side. I was already like, and my trauma taught me this and that. I was already like, I'm getting the fuck out of here. I remember being like, I need to get famous. I remember being like, I need to get famous. I remember being like that is like seeing famous people and being like that is a life hack.

Like I don't know how the fuck I'm going to do it. They don't have problems. Well, number one, my dad's going to know who I am because I'm going to be a household name. Like he's got to see me because I'm going to be everywhere. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? He didn't choose for me to go live with him. So I got to find a way to be in his living room. And I think the, and yeah, I mean, you know, when he was, he had a, like a trach in basically.

He couldn't talk. And, but like. Val Kilmer. You do like, what's that? After he had the stroke. The Val Kilmer, yeah. But it was like, it's like butterfly effect. Like he was like stroke all the way down.

Did he ever say to you that he wished that you got that? Got the, the. Jeez. that you got that? Got the... I gotta be honest with you. I'm on your side. I don't think women... I wish it was you, Whit. I don't think women talking is a profitable business either. Trust me.

It's ridiculous. Why do you think I'm like investing in companies for your biological age? Like, I don't, this is like, we had a good run. It was like cute for a minute, but. What's your bio age? My bio age, I don't, I mean, it could go either way. I could be like embalmed from like adrenaline and stress.

You haven't done it yet? No, I haven't done the thing yet. Aren't you investing? Why haven't you done it? Well, I don't know. thing yet. Aren't you? Why haven't you done it? Well, I don't know. We were going to maybe do it today or maybe I just want to do it with like people. I don't know. I want to do it with someone.

It's not ayahuasca. I'm trying to have friends. You've done it. I don't believe you haven't done it. Bullshit. Do you think I lie? You have a little bit of. I think the first time you take your SAT, it's not what you want.

You're like, oh, I didn't take it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a package run. Like, oh, no, the 23andMe dude. The number. I could not fucking gag into that shit for so long twice they sent it back

and they were like you don't have enough spit and I was like then I guess I'm not gonna know you couldn't get enough spit? no I couldn't get enough spit into the 23andMe thing

but thank god because that shit is like definitely selling our data oh yeah for sure whatever which is fine you can have it

but I would like to be listen I think the takeaway from this is that Which is fine. But I would like to be... Listen. I think the takeaway from this is that this is my final appearance on the Flagrant podcast. You're more than welcome to come every single time you want. One, you've come

from an alcoholic home. And you have come from a really tough childhood and thrived and succeeded because of it. You have a lot of people who you care about and deeply care about you. You've become an incredibly successful and funny person, not just woman, person. You're going through a little bit of a lesbian thing right now. It's just grief, dude.

Yeah, it's just grief. But it's also I have never been able to do what I wanted to do. It was always like I have to do this gig to pay for this. We weren't going back into that. We're wrapping up. I know, but when you fucking produce something. It's okay, it's okay. We don't need to explain.

Her girlfriend's listening right now. I'm just grief. You're more than grief. You're more than grief. Grief is so wild. Grief is a wild drive. The point is, we love you. We appreciate you.

We want everybody to go check out this roast that you did, which I think, because I did watch it, is so out. Grief is a wild drive. The point is, we love you. We appreciate you. We want everybody to go check out this roast that you did, which I think, because I did watch it, is very good. It's very fun. It's very unique. And I think people, and you can watch it for free. You don't have to sign up to OnlyFans. No, it's total. I think comedy should be free if it's like the first thing that you, you know.

So I think it's great. So make sure you go check it out on OnlyFans. Watch me have a nervous breakdown during the entire show. It is a very fun, there's great comics on it. They make hilarious jokes. Comics only, because the roast started having celebrities on it. I think there's a reason for that too, though, that I think is good. But I think this is really cool.

If you're a big fan of comedy, you're going to know who all these people are. And I think you really love it. You should absolutely check it out. And there's a roast of me coming up is the next one. I cannot wait for this. You will. I know. I'm really annoyed that you couldn't do it for a lot of reasons. I coming up is the next one. I cannot wait for this. You will. I know.

I'm really annoyed that you couldn't do it for a lot of reasons. I'm really excited for this one. Anyway, we love you. We appreciate you. Whitney Cummings, everybody. I love you guys. Thanks.