Andy Frasco's World Saving Podcast - EP 139: Kanika Moore (Doom Flamingo)

Episode Date: September 7, 2021

Bonnaroo: Cancelled! It is a period of unrest for musician's round the country as our intrepid heroes search for the means to juggle life's lemons. Andy is here to say: the juice is worth the squeeze, yall. On the Interview Hour we welcome Doom Flamingo front woman, brilliant human being, and powerfully magnetic performer: Kanika Moore! She's got stories that'll make you feel your feelings. Andy opens up too. Don't let these doomsdays get you down. We love you. This is EP 139. TW: SA/DA Follow us on Instagram @worldsavingpodcast For more information on Andy Frasco, the band and/or the blog, go to: AndyFrasco.com Check out Andy's new song, "DANCIN' AROUND MY GRAVE" on iTunes, Spotify  Keep an eye on the rising star of the undeniably brilliant, Kanika Moore Produced by Andy Frasco Joe Angelhow Chris Lorentz Audio mix by Chris Lorentz Featuring: John Bongiorno Joe Angelhow Shawn Eckels Arno Bakker

Andy, I'm sure you heard from Schwartz that Bonnaroo just canceled. Super bummer. After running my head into a brick wall a few times, I decided to do something a little bit less dangerous, and I poured myself a glass of scotch. Four fingers, no ice. But now I'm back in my desk, and I'm going to see what I can do to replace that show with something else.

I have no idea what exactly that would be, but I'm on the prowl, you know, doing the midnight creep, looking to replace your show with something far less quality, but a show nonetheless. I'm going to get you paid. I'm going to get you paid. Brad's off. We're all hurt. Bonnaroo got canceled. Bomberman. Look, I know it's a long shot.

My grandma lives down there in Manchester. Let's just do a show in her house. She's totally chill. Dung Whippet's there all the time. Not really sure what her stance is on boofing or anything like that. But regardless, we don't have money to pay you, so we figured maybe we'd scrape some drugs together, get you guys whatever you want mushrooms coke

Anyways, let me know brawl as you can hear this and goats in the background too shit can get weird Now a message from the UN Rock'n'roll ain't pretty But it's pretty fucking cool Some days on the road might seem shitty And you end up a drunken fool Don't let the chips get you down Pick up that guitar and rock the fuck out

Rock and roll ain't pretty But it's pretty fucking cool And we're back. Andy Frasco's World Saving Podcast. I'm Andy Frasco. How's everyone doing? How's our dreams holding up? How's our heads? How's our anxiety?

How's COVID? Not fucking us today. God damn it. This wasn't even COVID. This was just straight up climate change. Yeah, Bonner got canceled on us. We're bummed out. But we made the best of it.

I'll tell you all about how that all transpired. But we made the best of it. Making lemonade. I'm going to shout out to Big Something. Let's go. Thanks for cheering me up, boys. I was walking. When Bonnaroo canceled,

I was, it kind of depleted the wind out of my sail for a second. I had Schwartz helping me talk me off a ledge and Bongiorno and Big Something like like let's fucking do a show and make it happen because, you know, there's going to be times in our careers. Like it was just a fucked up week.

This whole week is fucked up, dude. We found out our van's engine is going to blow. So we had to leave it in Maryland. We thought it was something and it wasn't. So we had to leave it in Maryland and we thought it was something and it wasn't. And now it's just stuck in Maryland and we are driving further and further away from our van because we're on tour for three months. And then when I found out the news that it's probably going to cost another 10 or 12 grand, I'm like, oh my God, fuck fuck here we go and then i got the next phone call saying uh oh yeah uh there's a hurricane coming to bonner i'm like all right cool whatever and i didn't think and then an

hour later it was like oh yeah bonner's canceled and um and then what else happened it was just a fucking train wreck of shit that just like oh yeah then my piano crapped out i that just like, oh yeah, then my piano crapped out. I'm just like, I'm like, God damn it. How badly do you want something? That's why I kept that telling myself, how badly do you want, how badly do you want to see these dreams happen? Because there's going to be times, even in anybody's career, the most successful to the minor league famous like myself, to people starting a dream. We are going to dealt shitty cards and we're going to be dealt shitty cards maybe for a couple of years, a couple of months, maybe a whole tour, whatever it is. But that shouldn't stop us from trying to see the big picture and what that,

what that dream does to our heads and what that dream does to our hearts. Because the dream, whatever dream it is, falling in love, being in a rock band, keeping rock and roll, you know, in good hands, whatever it is, whatever dream the fuck you want to, maybe your dream is to have a better relationship with your parents or better relationship with your girlfriend or boyfriend or brother or whatever, whatever your dream is, there's going to be turmoil or it's not a dream or it's just going to be easy. Nothing in life is easy. And there's sometimes in life where you life where it tests yourself of how badly you want something.

Well, how badly do you want these dreams to happen? I'm saying that for myself. I'm saying that for anyone in a van right now, touring, not waking up thinking that that could be your last gig for a couple months. Whatever it is, never stop. There's going to be times in anyone's career, you know, a lot of bands listen to this, but it's going to be in times in people's careers where you just want to give up, fucking put the towel, say, fuck it. You know, I gave him my college effort, but the true success happens when you're on the fucking ground, picking yourself up every time, picking yourself up. You

know, this road hasn't been easy for me. You know, I'm happy. I feel, you know, I, I smile and, you know, get through it, but this road hasn't been easy for this band. We've been dropped by fucking labels and booking agents and driving 20 hours just to get a cancellation. I mean, the list goes on, but that's not just me. It happens to everyone. This is what happens when you're trying to go take a different road than what life

wants you to take, that 9 to 5. Go to college. Be comfortable. If we wanted to be comfortable, we would have been insurance. No disrespect to insurance people, but shout out to insurance people. You know what I'm saying? Shout out to insurance people

and people rocking the 9 to 5. I ain't dogging that. Everyone has their own way of how they want to live life and totally cool. That was it for me. I wanted a life of adventure, life of exploring, life of dealing with shit. And when you get a little more ahead of the dream than you thought you were, you forget that, oh, yeah, it's still a dream. And there's going to be trials and tribulations.

And you either could fucking sit on your sword when shit goes down, or you could fucking start fighting back. So, God damn it, we threw a party. Bonnaroo. I'm making this feel more dramatic than, well, it was dramatic because this was the biggest career in my career. And we were preparing. We didn't even get the fucking COVID.

That was a motherfucking. We were doing good, people. I'm going to shout out to the band not getting COVID. Let's go. I don't know how that's fucking possible. Maybe just we've had the Wook flu one too many times, and we're not. So shout out to the band one more time.

Let's go. Working it out. We're all scared. We don't know what the fuck to do out here in these streets. But that's what's going to happen. We're going to fight through dreams. We're going to get through it because at the end of the day, it doesn't matter. We're going to fight through dreams. We're going to get through it because at the end of the day, it doesn't matter. We're still alive. We're still fighting for the good of what dreams do to

people. You know, we could all give up on our dreams and just fucking settle into the system or we could get out there and fucking see what life does to us and keep us present. You know, we go into autopilot, you know, I got to us and keep us present. You know, we go into autopilot. You know, I got to cancel the fucking talent show. Just one thing after another, we are not doing the talent show this fall either because of COVID and stuff. And, you know, I understand that, you know,

my band or the crowd, they don't want just random folk coming into the backstage. You know, I get that. You know, juggling fruit or whatever you guys signed up to do. And so Nick Urlach is going to just do what DJ said and we're going to do kind of like a podcast style how we did summer camp to open the show

and then we'll do the fall run. But never give up. Never give up on your dreams. Fight until you can't fight anymore. Because that makes us alive. That makes us present. That makes us focused and determined to keep living. The minute we go into autopilot is the minute we start dying.

I don't want to die that way. I want to die with fucking blades of gory. Fucking get in in there having that one firework that we had we did this jimmy rigged uh festival called other fest in a parking lot of a bites of europe um or a grass area you know because we felt bad you know if i you know we bummed out because we couldn't play a show, but I feel bad for this town of Manchester who couldn't, maybe that's their only economy for a year, you know,

with 100,000 people normally rolling in there, fucking buying their booze and buying their chicken wings and shit. So we wanted to throw a party for them. We wanted to throw a party for the refugees who spent all their fucking money, you know, even flying to Bonnaroo and like can't cancel and made the best out of a fucking situation. I get it. You're in these hippies

just rolling to this small town of Manchester, Tennessee. I mean, it's not a hip town. It's like, it's very just conservative, conservative town. And, you know, I feel for all those guys. They're like, we're just going to figure out a way to throw a festival, make it work. You know, it could be fucking,

you know, hoedunk as fuck or whatever. And it wasn't. So shout out to other fest for taking all the things. We had a dope sound system. And I got to see the boys,

Big Something and stuff. And I got to see Kanika. We Something and stuff. And I got to see Kanika. That's why I got Kanika Moore on the show today because we found out the news about Bonner Cancer the day before. So we were at the

Windjammer in Charleston, which was a blast too. Shout out to Charleston. Always making me feel good. Charlotte too. Holy shit. Carolinas, take care of your boy. You knew I was bummed out, and they threw me a bag of mushrooms. You know what, Frasco? Let's ride together. We're in this together. You know, this shit

storm. It's all fucking happening. So everyone was singing the songs and just feeling the vibe and cheering us up. So that was dope. So I got Kanika on the show this week because I did not know this story. She, wow.

Kanika had a fucking life, dude. And I was sad about the Bonner thing. So this conversation got really heavy. But it's really informative about Kanika's life. People sometimes get bad cards every now and then, but what are we going to do? We're going to just marinate in our shit, or we're going to figure out a way to make our lives as happy as possible. I'm so thankful that you found the jam community and all these fans and stuff and Stay Sick and Ross Bogan and Stu and the whole gang because that's what you needed. Everyone, when you stop trying to force life and just surrender.

I'm sounding like Plasma Princess right now, but surrendering to the flow. Life ain't that bad. You know, a couple cancellations, a couple big opportunities you can't do because life happens. Hey, get back on that horse and fucking keep riding because this is our life and this is what we want to do. Dream on, dream the fuck on. All right. Um, so yeah, Bonnaroo, Bonnaroo abridged was a blast, we had like a thousand people show up, which was unbelievable, like right when we announced, we had like a thousand tickets sold, I'm like, holy fuck, I'm like, damn, we are getting a little more successful, I was worried that like Frasco's is the headliner, and I'm like, they're like, ah, we're good. We're going to go home.

But no, they stayed the weekend. And I just appreciate all you guys who have been wanting to see the band and stuck around for this band because we love you. We're doing this. We're on the road for y'all. You know, I know our ticket sales kind of stopped, you know, when the COVID thing happened, we were really bumping, and it was really popping, we thought we were going to sell out a lot of these bigger venues, and then people stopped buying tickets, and I get it, you

know, there's a fucking, you're on, it's like, there's a battle between two different sides right now, and who's right, who's wrong. And, you know, I get it. It's all good. So we're doing this tour for y'all. So come on out to the fall tour. If you haven't bought tickets yet, we're going to keep it safe. You know, we're going to have fun. We're going to try to forget about the shittiness in our lives for a second and, you know, have fun for a couple hours, even if it's Tuesday, y'all, come on out. All my people, this weekend we're playing Tulsa tomorrow

at the Canes Ballroom, which I'm excited about. Shout out to Tulsa. You guys bought some tickets. It's a big venue. I don't expect to sell that many tickets, but you guys gave me the college effort to at least try to get that bigger room. I appreciate that.

And then Thursday we're in Houston. Never been there. That show is – no one has tickets to that show. Or we didn't sell a lot of tickets to that show. I've never been to Houston. All good there. And then fucking Dallas is almost sold out. Hell, yeah.

Shout out to Dallas. Let's go. Dallas. Friday. I see you, big daddies. I see you. Austin, too. Bummer that some of the boys in Humphreys

got the vid because they're going to be there all weekend, too. I was going to see Kaniga again and the whole crew. So I'm thinking about you, Humphreys. We will do Texas the way you'd want us to. We're going to fuck shit up for you. Keep marching soldiers. We're on the path

to keep people happy and hope you feel better. The dudes who got the vid won't blast you, but I'm thinking of you because it's fucked up. I know it's our livelihood and you just don't know. Just never know who's going to get it. Shout out to Umfries.

Austin Sunday and then I can't remember. Oh no, Phoenix. Shout out to Phoenix too.ys And then where Austin Sunday And then I can't remember Oh no Phoenix Shout out to Phoenix too Sold Almost sold out Hell yeah Let's fucking go I've never been to Phoenix

In a venue club show Hold on Is that a lie No I opened For Green Sky in Phoenix But No No

Yeah I didn't expect this So shout out to Phoenix I'll go one more time Phoenix Let's go Let's fucking go Thank you Phoenix And then We're in I didn't expect this. So shout out to Phoenix. I'll go one more time to Phoenix. Let's go. Let's fucking go.

Thank you, Phoenix. And then we're in the West Coast. We're doing Vegas at Jammin'. My boy Jeremy's throwing a little tie-dye modeling thing. We're the house band. I can't remember what it is, but I know there's tie-dye involved because that's my man Jay. And then we're playing in San Diego.

Hopefully my sisters come out. That'd be fun to see them. And then LA. Hell yeah. We're going back to LM. I bought fuck, I bought a, I got sad and bought like five Laker jerseys. And the one I wanted was the Westbrook one, and they gave me the fucking Kuzma. What the fuck, Nike?

Come on. Your boy is trying to rep our new boy, Russell, in L.A. And you gave me a fucking Kuzma jersey. All right, never mind. I'm not being a bitch. I paid for it. I paid for it. And then we're in San Francisco at the Chapel.

That's great tickets sold, too. Thank you for that. And then we're in Nevada City. I can't wait for that. The Iron Horse is always a blast, and then the week after that, we're in, we're in Oregon, in Seattle, I think, yeah, yeah, that sounds right, um, I'm not looking at my computer, I'm just doing this, um, we are sleeping at our friend's house, we kind of lost our budget of the hotel budget, because we have to fucking $15,000 on our van. So we're back to sleeping in our friend's couches.

And this guy has a motorhome. So I'm like, I'll take the motorhome. That sounds fun. So I'm hanging in a motorhome right now. And yeah, so and then we're in Oregon, Portland, Eugene. I think we're playing in Eugene. And where else? Oh, yeah. And we're in Oregon, Portland, Eugene, I think we're playing in Eugene, and where else? Oh, yeah, and then we're in Seattle, and then that's the end of the West Coast leg of the tour, and then we take two weeks off, and then we're doing Mempho Fest with Widespread

Panic. Can't wait to see Dave. Whenever I'm feeling bummed out and feeling like I'm losing the fight a little bit, I talk to Dave and he fucking pumps me up. So I can't wait to see Dave. Let's go. Can't wait to see you, Davey. Love you, buddy. Always pumping me up. You know, I have to think too about life.

You know, when you're feeling bummed out, people start hitting you up. Not, isn't that the crazy thing about the universe? Like, and you either take the sign or not. Like I've had some, I had some random people who i used to go to to find happiness um that just hit me up all of a sudden and i just think like i'm thinking of you bud i'm like holy shit what the fuck how do you know i was bumming out and that's a beautiful thing so take those answers of the universe as well because um like i said i think we we're all, it's just an ever flow of energy. I don't know, maybe this is the hangover from all the mushrooms and booze and sadness.

I'm finally out of the sadness that I was dealing with. But maybe the universe is just this one big energy. And kind of when you feel like your energy's low, there's a battery that fills it up, so, and people are hitting me up saying, hey, buddy, how you doing, thinking about you, I'm like, oh, fuck yeah, fuck yeah, universe, shout out to the universe, let's go, fuck yeah, shout out to the universe, always having everyone's back, you know, even when shits are hard, because, you know, if we take the microscope away, it's the little things. What else is the little thing that helps bands?

Repsy.com. Hey, now. Bands, everyone goes through trials and tribulations and that's fine. That's the fight. That's what it's all worth it because when you do get that big success, you'll be like, I did it. And I fought through it.

And Repsy is another soldier in your campaign to get that music out there. So go sign up to Repsy.com. If you're a new band and you're just listening to the podcast, you know I've been talking about this a lot, go out there, Repsy.com. Sign your band up. They're a booking agency, online booking agency.

And if you already have an agent, they don't take a commission. If you do have an agent, then if you don't have an agent, they take a little commission. But at least it's another guy in your camp fighting for you. I've been looking at my tour schedule and I'm getting some dates. Shout out to Bon Giorno. Fucking agent of the year, dude. Always fucking fighting for me. He's like, we're getting you a gig. We're getting you on Bonnaroo hopefully next year. I got you. I'm like, fuck yeah. I love you, Johnny. John, I got a great team.

Schwartz, Rachel, John, Bo, Jason, all the crew. Thank you so much. Thank you, thank you, thank you. But your agent is probably fucking bombarded with work with all their other bands and why not go grab

Repsy.com to help you out? Because everyone needs a little help. And the more hands-on and brain activity that we can get into helping your band get there, why the fuck not? So go sign up for Repsy.com. All right, guys. I feel like I talked your ear off about everything. I'm sorry. But you know how I go here to vent. You know, it's hard for me to vent to people. It's hard to vent. Not really. It's hard for me to be intimate with like my band. I know everyone's bumming out and not knowing how I feel. but it is, this helps me get through whatever we gotta get through because at the end of the day, this is us.

We're alive, we're breathing, we're feeling good. We're about to hear Kanika Moore fucking spill her heart out. Y'all, this interview was insane. I was just like, hey, Kanika, you wanna just be the co-host for this week? And not thinking that, you know, the bond who got canceled.

All of a sudden, this was an hour-and-an-interview. Not even an interview interview it was a conversation between friends me and Kanika are getting so fucking close now and I love her so much and I'm like I'm crying thinking about her story cause this shit was real as fuck and I'm here for her

and I know the boys in Charleston are too so ladies and gentlemen enjoy Kanika more enjoy your days don't be too hard on yourself life is short Boys in Charleston are too. So ladies and gentlemen, enjoy Koneka more. Enjoy your days. Don't be too hard on yourself. Life is short and there's going to be shitty days. But the shitty days are going to make us realize when the good days happen,

we need to appreciate them. Because at the end of the day, when we're on our fucking deathbed or maybe whatever it is. I hope we think about the good days and not just think about the regret days where you thought that during your bad moments that it was all going to be over when the good days are what we should think about and appreciate and accept

We could regret We could be in denial That we'll never have good days again Maybe we're all in that super depressed bubble But let's get out of that bubble Let's get the fuck out of that thing Say shoo devil Do I have to play the fucking music

Devil Anxiety, depression You need to get the fuck out of this body right now because we're happy. We're going to be fucking happy. We're going to have a great fucking day. So I hope you have a great day, too. I'm going to go out here and go get drunk with my friends and get ready for this fall tour. I got Nick Gerlach coming in tomorrow.

Me and Nick. You're going to see Nick. You're going to hear Nick on the fucking podcast for three months. He's my co-host. He's on tour with me. So let's get it. So ladies and gentlemen, please enjoy Kanika Moore's interview. And I love you.

And thanks for all the messages and pumping me up because I'm back, baby. Let's fucking go. I love y'all. All right. Next up on the interview hour, we got Kanika Moore from Doom Flamingo. Let's go. Yo, Chris, play some Doom Flamingo.

This is a new friend of mine. You know, we got really close. She understands me and I understand her. And we had this conversation. And, you know, it's like i never really have time to get close with her like bonding like we were in charleston but it's just charleston so spread out and you know she lives in one part of town i live i was living in folly beach for a little bit so we didn't really get to hang out too much besides like the gig we played and stuff and that was just like us learning music and stuff but we became friends and uh this is when we really became friends.

This conversation got heavy. I got to know a little bit, because last time I interviewed her, it was just more about the band, so this was a little more personal. I think you're going to love this if you're a Kanika Moore fan, because she is a beautiful soul, and I love her. All right, guys, enjoy Kanika Moore, And I'll catch you in the tail end. If that's your girl, well, then you better get her. He's on a roll, yes. He's casting over.

Rules wanna run. He'll win you over. It happened so fast. Didn't see it coming. He threw the one around. Watch him rush. I'm loving. He's running so slow. But he's dangerous. We're recording this as we found out Bonnaroo is canceled.

It's a bummer, dude. But I got the Queen Bee cheering me up. We got Kanika Moore from Doom Flamingo. Hell yeah. What's up? It's going to be alright, baby. Just going through the motions. Just going through the motions. Damn, this industry's hard. It is. I don't think people really realize

how much it takes out of us to give so much. I know. That's what I was going to say to you. Like, how hard is it? We had this conversation at summer camp a little bit. How when we were younger, it was hard to be ourselves. You know, let's talk a little bit about that. Dude, I, so my, most of my mom's side of the family was all Christian.

You know, we're pretty religious. And like Halloween, stuff like that, like my mom always dragged us to church. We were there. Really? Yeah, man. Sunday, Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday. Because for some reason, that's when, I don't know, when bad shit happens. So she made sure we went to church on Saturday.

Because it was different than Thursday. I don't know. Anyway, but we, I mean, I was just always different. I don't know. My sisters, I mean, once I started, you know, finding out about more music other than Christian music, like the door just, like I just kept kicking the door open

and I just found out I was a lot different from other people. My dad lived in Dallas. And I would go see my dad. And as soon as I get off the plane, it didn't matter where I was. Now I got the Geechee accent from South Carolina. And then I get off the plane. And my dad, first person to make fun of me. Oh, you home? He would just kind of tease me a little bit.

I'm like, ha ha, very funny. And then I got hip to it. And I would fly back down there again. And then I would just immediately change my accent. Like, I don't want to get picked on. Yeah. I've always been like an oddball. There was, I was always having conversations with myself. I had this little radio station. I had these little cassette tapes and I would like make a whole radio station. I was every character on the show because I didn't have any friends. Were you a loner? Yeah, I was.

I mean, I had, there were a couple of friends. There would be somebody in school who got picked on or somebody who just didn't fit in. I'd be like, you. Come on, let's be friends. It's all good. I'm not going to make you feel like shit.

Were you insecure when you were a kid? Yeah, I was. I was dark skinned. Like that, you know, it when you're a kid yeah i was i was dark skinned like that you know it just it just wasn't the thing where i was and you know that would be the first target and then it would be how quiet it was and then it would be that i talked to myself and then it would be i don't know you told me this great story where people thought you were fucking crazy because you were just chilling on the grass oh okay, okay. So I got a little bit older and then I was like listening to more music

and I heard, I can't remember what song it was, but he was talking about sitting in the rain and how therapeutic that was. I was like, shit, I'm gonna try it. My mom's saying this trailer, the septic tank like makes the grass soft. It's so soft. So like, I was like, cool, I'm gonna go outside.

Now we had only been there maybe half a year. And the neighbors, like all the ladies were in uproar because like I had my legs out. I had long ass legs. I mean, I just, I loved being out there. We were next to the water. We were in Allendaw. And like, they were just, they were not feeling my energy. And I went and sat down on the grass.

And she came and she, no, she called my mom. And then she called Miss Betty. And then Miss Betty called. And she no she called my mom and then she called miss betty and then miss betty called and then miss betty called my mom and she was like kanika's out there sitting in the grass something wrong we need to pray for her and then they started then they damn yeah man always so what happened nothing i just i just almost like my mom was like there's nothing wrong with her. She's fine. Yeah. She's fine. Why do people think like just because you're a loner means you're like going to do something hostile? I think like Southern culture has always told us to be very kind to our neighbors and to know who they are and make it personal so they don't feel alone. And when you are content with being by yourself, they're like, okay, something wrong with you.

Something's wrong with you. That's got to be the hardest thing yeah well i mean besides like everything else you have to deal with as well but just being a loner and not under like did your family understand that you were going to be an artist i mean i had three other well my mom's side of the family it's nothing but a bunch of singers over there there's one chick in our family who can't sing. And every time the family got together for family reunions, we were all singing. And, like, I spent time around my sisters. But, I mean, other than my younger sister, I wasn't really close to them either.

I was just like, I feel different. But, like, music was always a part of it. So, like, I had that. Yeah. Like, I had music. In the church. Yeah. In the church with my family.

Like, they were weird, too, but not, I don't know. I was going through something else, and they weren't hip to it, so. What were you going through? Just, like, my mom's side of the family, my mom worked a lot. Like, she worked her ass off, and, like, I always felt like that Gave me like a disconnect from her She would get home She'd be like Yeah she'd be exhausted

And she'd be like Who wanna come in here and rub my feet And like everybody would take off And I'd be like me I'll do it Who wants to scratch my scalp I'm like I'll do it Like I'll be in there And then she'll be like

Okay get out I'm going to sleep I'm like okay bye mom Not like that Yeah but you know what I mean Did that feel like It felt like she didn't love you No I think like Back then Yeah, but you know what I mean. Did that feel like she didn't love you? No. I think, like, back then, I was so used to, like, making myself content, being by myself,

that when she didn't do it, it was like, oh, it's okay. I don't think it's because she doesn't want to. Because she did, like, when we were way younger, she would make dresses for us for Easter. For, like, when she took us to church, she made our outfits. And she, like, made these little make dresses for us for easter for like when she took us to church she made our outfits and she like made these little matching outfits for us so she cared it's just she's always been like that like she's like that now just like there's like a certain like amount of space that she wanted to herself when she would come to the house she would immediately go into her room and like me i do the same thing When I go home I shut the door Like I won't be by myself What about like

Growing up Like was there competition Like when there's so many people Competing To be a singer Like did you feel like No one really gave a shit In your community

That you were killing it They didn't know They didn't know They didn't know Like didn't know they didn't know like we we had the whole choir the whole choir was my my family like if you know anybody in charleston and you ask them about them like it's it's the uh gevetta laurie and a tape in tavia like those three could they killed it every single sunday like they'd be like who wants to sing this song they'd introduce a new song and everybody's like, oh, I don't want to do it.

Yeah, let them do it. They're going to kill it. Is that intimidating? I didn't know how, like, music was always current with me, but I didn't know

how important it was to me until I got older, until my grandma died, until like, some like, some real life moments started happening. What happened?

I mean, she passed and she wanted to be by herself too. Naomi Tracy. When they talk about Naomi Tracy and Charleston, don't get on her wrong side. She will flip out on you. She used to carry a gun in her car. Shut the fuck up.

She used to carry this little gun. One time somebody made her mad and she had it in her bra. She just whipped that shit out She was like What? I will shoot you I was like oh shit Did you live like

Did you live poor Or well off? Like what was your My mom always had us In like a neighborhood Where like people were rich But they were taken care of Like we grew up in a trailer park

Spring Valley It was like, I think me and two other families were the only black families that were there. Like I was like, like I was raised around a bunch of white kids. I used to go outside with, with, uh, my, my, my friends and play football and come back with like, like slices of skin missed off of my, you know, gone off my knee because I was playing football with the guys and then go back in the house. Just weird.

Did you deal with like a lot of racism? Honestly? No, no. Um, cause we had a small circle. Like there was a couple of kids that went to go play football, but like after that,

like we all just kind of went our way and then you found your clicks and I didn't have my click. Like I was just, so you go play, you go play football with the boys, get rough them up. They rough you up and you go back to your house and I didn't have my click. Like I was just. So you go play, you go play football with the boys, get rough them up. They rough you up and you go back to your house and just talk to yourself. Yeah.

The radio station. KK Rick. So you built your own radio station so you didn't feel alone. Yeah. And that's, I mean, I did that too. I would look in the mirror and interview like my teddy bears and shit.

I feel like you practice more than I did. Oh, yeah. I was a narcissist. I fell off. I fell off. But people say that that's the start of depression. But were you ever a depressed kid? Or did you know what depression was when you were a kid?

Did you know what depression was when you were a kid? I think the naive part of me always put me on the other side of it. I don't stay down long. I can be sad and I go by myself and I start talking to myself and I talk myself out of it. So I wouldn't constantly depress, but there were a lot of dark moments in my life. But the fact that I like went to myself and I was used to spending time with myself and I talked to myself all the time. I would just like kind of slowly pull myself out of the hole.

What was the darkest moment you had that you pulled yourself out of? If you want to talk about it. There's a lot of stuff that my mom went through Because she didn't really communicate with us About that stuff You just kind of had to figure it out on your own And then we went through that shit I guess the dark moments were when Somebody died or when somebody got hurt And nobody wanted to talk about it

Those were the dark moments Yeah, it's like suppression Do you suppress? I feel like I do What's the hardest thing for you to communicate? Everything, dude. I mean, I don't want to say it's because black women in general, like people are always like, oh, you're tough, you'll be fine.

But it's not. I feel like everybody always expects us like, oh, you're strong, you'll be fine. So I felt like I couldn't. I feel like if I talked to somebody, they'd be like, oh, you'll be fine. I mean, I don't know. When we used to go to the doctor or go to the hospital or like anything happened Like I was always told to shake it off. Like just like you'd be fine. You'd be fine. That's the thing about our generation is like they were like, oh, what are you to be? What are you sad about? You're alive. But when you suppress,

the questions you have in your head start becoming more confusing. Because you're young. You don't understand your brain yet. You don't understand how the world works. Interaction with other people help you assess where you are. They answer questions sometimes.

Sometimes you're answering their questions, but just that interaction, it expands you. You're not going to expand if you're only talking to yourself. Yeah, true. My vice is never going to change. So then you got,

when did you start, who was your first friend that really got you out of that bubble? When I moved to Texas again with my dad, I made friends with this girl years ago, and we just got tighter over the years. Ashley Mazerolle. Ashley, what up?

Ashley Mazerolle. Hell yeah, Ashley, hell yeah. I love you. She was weird. She rode a skateboard. Her knees were all fucked up, just like mine. We just liked getting in trouble. I climbed trees all the time.

I was always picking up shit I shouldn't pick up. Really? I mean, like bugs and animals and shit. Oh, my God. Yeah, I was a wild... But hanging out with her, she was weird. And her mom, Joyce, she just allowed us to be weird together. We would go in the backyard, and then she had me sign up for softball

That didn't go good Because the girls picked on me And I was like Fuck all these girls I'm out of here Oh why I don't get I think that's one thing about girls

Girls are more vicious about Friendships They are Especially when you put them in groups Sleepovers Softball Cheerleading They're just like

Who's this And, I was always like coming in late, like everybody else already knew everyone else. And then I would come in from South Carolina with my hidden Geechee accent and like, just trying to stay below the radar and actually be like, it'd be fine. Come on, let's hang out with them. And then they'd make fun of your accent. Yeah, they did. Yeah. I used to, I'm telling telling you Like by the third time I went down there and I was older I changed my accent as soon as I got off the plane Immediately As soon as I saw my dad

Hey, dad Hey, dad Where's your accent? It's gone Yeah I'm good What's the difference between living in Charleston versus Texas? I mean, for me, my mom had four kids

It was me and my sisters And then with my dad, I was my dad's only child And then I was there with Chrissy, my stepsister And my stepmom for a while And then that broke up and they weren't together anymore Like, family was really different for me Like, on my dad's side of the family and then that broke up and they weren't together anymore. So like, it's like family was really different for me. Like on my dad's side

of the family, everybody was really close. Our family reunions, everybody had to get to know each other. You had to talk to people. On the other side, we already had something

and like that we could relate to and it was music. So like everybody was just like cutting up and acting a fool but never really getting really personal. But my dad on the other side did.

So that was a moment where like They would just kind of dig into like What my life was like And obviously I wouldn't open up very much Dallas' schools were cooler The grade, like the teaching level was way higher So whenever I'd come back from South Carolina I'd be like, what the fuck is this? I hate algebra

I'm going to take it again. So did you finish high school, college? Like, what was your education? No, I dropped out when I came back to Charleston. And my dad was completely against it. But my dad was in Dallas. So I told my mom, I was like, I just want to get a job. I don't want to be in school anymore.

Why? Were they picking on you? You just didn't feel right there? Yeah, I mean, like, every time I go to a school, like, I'm just, I'm a target. And then I got tall really fast. Yeah. So that was the first thing. Like, just like people saying things to you about, like, how regularly you look.

And then me not having a good comeback. Like, I was never good with the comebacks. I'd just be like, meh. Really? Just, yeah. So how did you get out of that feeling like, you know, you're such a vibrant, open person now. Like, what happened?

Music. Music. Music. What was it? What was the first record? What was the first artist? Give it to me. Oh, my God.

I started listening to Nickelback. Shut the fuck up. Nickelback. Yeah. For real Look at this photograph Yo I used to cry in my room Nickelback

What song give it to me Yeah look at this photograph Every time I do it makes me laugh So you were born to be in a rock and roll band Yeah man I always like And I used that on my radio show. I would take those songs and I would like fate, like have it really low and then just like write new words over it. But I listened to a lot of stuff.

I mean, my dad had like a bunch of vinyl. He had Prince and Chaka Khan. Let's go back to Nickelback. This whole radio. Oh my God. Okay, so you had a radio. Do you have recordings of this? No, I don't have any.

I don't know. So this is just for you to have fun, imagination. This is for you to ride your imagination. I mean, what do you know with the tapes? Like once you record over it, you just record over it again. Like I had like a handful of them. No, I don't have one. Oh my God.

That would have been so amazing to hear. So what was the darkest conversation you had with yourself? Oh, do you really want to know that? Yeah. On the radio. Good touching and bad touching. Really? Yeah.

You were getting harassed? Yeah. What? I was, oh man, I've never told anybody this. Oh my God. I am. You don't have to talk about this. It's fine.

It's fine. It's fine. I love you. I was staying in Spring Valley, and I was always a loner. So any young boy or anyone that was hunting for someone, I feel like I was always the first target to go for the quiet ones. So I used to go hang out in the woods by myself, and these guys knew i was out there and uh you know they started you know talking to me and asking me questions

like do you know what this is and one of them just like whipped their shit out and how old were you dude i was seven what yeah are you fucking serious yeah how old are these guys um they were like middle school 12 yeah dumbasses yeah little badass kids just so around experimenting with life and just did you understand what was going on no they showed me magazines too they're just like yeah just like show me stuff and like how you feel about that. I was like, I don't know. I don't understand how people in the South, like you maybe know this better.

People, we're going to go back to this cause this is insane, but like people grow up a lot quicker and get into drugs a lot earlier in their life and like porn and sex. Then why? I don't, is it because there's nothing to do? I'm just being ignorant right now. I don't know because I grew up in the city. First time I beat off was maybe 13. No, no, that's a lie.

Fifth grade, 12. So same thing. Fuck. So what happened? Were they touching you and shit? I mean, I was a little girl So they just like They didn't insert But they were like touching

Asked me to touch And I was just like I was being real fucking weird about it I was just like I don't know, I was a kid So I didn't know And you couldn't tell this to anybody Because you're a shy introvert

No, I never told anyone this story I've been to therapy And I haven't talked to them about it Okay, so Fuck You couldn't tell this to anybody because you're a shy introvert. No, I never told anyone this story. I've been to therapy and I haven't talked to them about it. Okay, so fuck. Do you still think about this? No. No. No, I don't.

I just, I mean, I know it happened. And I feel like if I ask myself, like, why did that happen? I think because I was a loner. like ask myself, like, why did that happen? I think because I was a loner. People target lonely kids, you know, pedophiles and fucking bored ass kids, badass kids. You see it in like movies, that new kid comes in and they're quiet and they're unsure of themselves. And sure enough, the bully comes for you. Like, that's just, it's just what it is. I feel like the South is just like there's a lot of space between everyone and they made you like interact with everyone. It was just like a waving or coming next door and bringing a plate, bringing a dish, bringing a pie or a cake or something and saying hi.

And like anybody who wouldn't, you know, fall in line with that, like they were targeted. Because my sister, She had a little attitude She's got an attitude But like She had friends Nobody bothered her Nobody bothered her

My older sisters Nobody bothered them Do you think because You're an easy target Yeah I was quiet It's fucked up I was quiet

And then How do people understand What an easy target is at that young in life? I don't understand that. Quiet. You know what? They spend time around you. They always tell you, watch your family members and watch these people around your kids.

I was always the loner. I can't tell you how many times I've ran into somebody looking to do something with me as a young kid. Shut the fuck up. Yeah. And how do you get out of these situations without talking to anybody? You're all alone on these things. I started getting, like, clever. I remember I was at church and this guy, and a couple of people in my family do know about this because I told them, and they went looking for him.

But, like, it was Easterter and he had this big ass basket with a shit ton of candy in it and i fucking love candy because i'm a kid so like i still like candy yeah man he had the little peeps a little marshmallow and like just a bunch of little candies and he was like happy easter he was like i got a basket and i was like oh thank you and he was like no no no he was like if you want it you have to go in that room I was like, oh, thank you. And he was like, no, no, no, no, no. He was like, if you want it, you have to go in that room. It was like one of the rooms down the hallway in the church. And I was like, at church? Yeah, at church.

It was like after church. Because like that whole, my great grandfather was a pastor of that church. Like we spent a lot of time there. So even when an event wasn't going on, me and my sisters were like running up and down the stairs. We're just all over the place. And of course me, I'm a fucking loner, so I'm like sitting on the stairs,

drawing on the wall with my fingernail. And he saw me and he knew me. He asked me, you know, I got a basket for you. He was like,

you have to come get it in here. And I was like, okay, I'll be right back. And that's when I got, I started to get smarter and I never went there. went and told my cousin my older cousin and then he went and told the pastor and then they went in there and they looked for him he wasn't in there he was already gone and he took the candy what hold on this is fucked up it is fucked up and what did you learn to start talking and asking for help?

No, that was maybe two other times I went to someone and was like, this is what's happening. And like, then I would just claim up and like, all right, y'all deal with it. I don't want to talk about this anymore. I was put in a lot of like weird positions because I was so fucking quiet. Yeah. And you're sweet. I mean, you don't seem like you're a bitch or anything. No.

Or a mean person. No. Were you? Were you fighting people? No. Nobody? No. As a matter of fact, the only times I would get in a fight is when my younger sister,

whenever she would get mad, she would start crying. And then whatever sharp object she could get her hands on, I was afraid she was going to hurt somebody. And so every time I would get in a fight, I'd be like, hey, leave my sister alone. And they'd be like, oh, it's Kanika. Fuck Kanika. And then they'd try to fight me.

I did not lose a fight. Hell yeah, let's go. Fuck yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Let's go. That's my queen there. Queen ain't going to lose a fight. Queen ain't going to lose a fight. Not losing a fight. Holy shit. Hold shit hold on okay so there's some you just opened up pandora's box here um because

it's hard to be vulnerable and it's hard to be accepting to anyone besides what you tell convince your head everything's gonna be okay but. But when you keep suppressing, there's got to be like an overflow. And did that ever happen to you? Yes. When? When I had Giovanna, my daughter. How old were you? I was 22.

I, as soon as she was born I started drinking like I would sit in front of the TV and I would play I would sit in front of the TV and I would play Sims and I would pull the couch up and that's how much I wanted to ignore everything around me

I would pull it straight up to the TV and I would just drink I didn't want to see anything in between that space because. Yeah, you just want to be tunnel vision. Yeah. Well, the dad was not very kind to me, so. What do you mean? Yeah.

Oh, your dad? No, the baby's father. He beat you? Yeah, he beat the shit out of me. What the fuck? What happened? I didn't stand up for myself. Like, it took, honestly, it took each one of those incidences to let me know that I had the option to be a part of this or not be a part of it.

Because I really didn't know. I didn't know that I couldn't do that. I was like, what if I don't? What are they going to do to me? I'm in the woods. What are these boys going to do to me if I say no? And I'm like, I don't even know what I couldn't do that. I was like, what if I don't? What are they going to do to me? I'm in the woods. What are these boys going to do to me if I say no? And I'm like, I don't even know what the fuck this is anyway. So, like, whatever.

And with him, he's a big guy. Big, brutal guy. Like, this is a headbutt. He headbutted you? He headbutted me and I had to get stitches in my forehead twice. He fought me twice. Hold on. But why did you stay with him

i didn't have anything else yeah i wasn't in music then no i didn't have anything else i i don't i don't know My mom lived right down the street But like I don't talk to my mom You were lonely man Yeah that first time when I was in the hospital They asked me what was going on I didn't say anything And then my mom showed up She was like what happened

I was like I'm not going to talk about what happened In that whole conversation But I didn't say much And then I went back home and I had him leave. And then the second time it happened, it was some months later. I knew he was toxic. I was like, I want him out of here.

Like, he's gone. I had my sister come stay with me. She was helping me with my daughter. And I wasn't drinking as much when she was there. And she didn't really know how dangerous he was. And I was in the back room. I had just gotten off of work. And months later, homeboy just pops up.

We just finished having a conversation. I was asking him for money for diapers. Were you hooking up through this? No. With him? With him, no. Did you have another boyfriend at this time? There was this one guy I saw for like, no, no, uh-uh.

This was right after he left. No, this was way later. No, I wasn't seeing anybody. I was watching porn. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Yeah. Porn.

Save your life. Save your life. You got to tell me about this. This is crazy. So why did you bring him back into your life? I didn't bring him back. He, for the second time that he hit me, he came over when Shea was there. And Shea let him in.

And he went straight to the back. And he came back there. And my baby was on the bed. She was laying on the bed. And he came in there. And he smelled like liquor. And I was like, oh, shit and uh he came in there and he smelled like liquor and i was like oh shit and we started going back and forth and like i'm not a like even when we did get in arguments it was him arguing i get quiet because i don't argue i just get quiet and i'm just like

i'm just no i'm not i don't like this energy right here. Yeah. And then he grabbed my neck. I thought I was going to die. He grabbed my neck and he pressed back and I just felt something click in my throat. And I was just like, I'm going to die. And I looked over and I was just looking at my baby and she's on the bed. And I'm like, shit, she's going to fall off the fucking bed. And I was just like, what am I going to do? I'm like pent up against the thing. And I was like, we're really close to the window. If I fight him, he might throw me out the window. Like, I don't know. And, um, then he

punched me and there's blood coming out and he was like, Oh my God, I'm so sorry. And I was like, get out. Because I knew that if my sister came back there, the one that gets angry and picks up a knife, somebody's going to die. Yeah, someone's going to die. And, like, I hated him, but, like, I didn't want bloodshed inside of my fucking apartment.

Like, I was, I wanted him to get out, just get out. Like, and he left, and then my sister came back there, and she started cussing me out. What the fuck? Why didn't you tell me he did that? And she goes outside, and she doesn't see him. She comes back, and then I got to go to the hospital. You tell me he did that And she goes outside And she doesn't see him

She comes back And then I gotta go to the hospital And then you know The conversation with my family Honestly it was not pleasant They just downed me Why'd you let him do that? I'm like

I didn't even know he was coming to the house Like didn't know What about your dad? My dad was in Texas But did you have this conversation with him? I didn't even tell him He didn't find out until later Oh my god

You can't go to anybody I didn't talk to anybody I didn't talk to anybody I didn't talk to anybody That is so fucked up So the only thing you talked to was the booze Yeah Is that why you think you started drinking?

Because you couldn't talk to anybody? Absolutely Just take me out And like At that point I wasn't smoking weed I wasn't doing anything So just alcohol

Just walk down the street I'll pick someone up And just get fucking drunk And you know He came back into my life Like later on Cause I'm a fucking idiot Did you feel trapped?

I felt like maybe he had changed Like when you're The first go around We'll talk about that The first time I felt trapped Yeah I felt like maybe he had changed like when you're the first go around we'll talk about that the first time i felt trapped yeah i've i felt like everyone thought this guy was the fucking he thought they thought he was great they loved him he was a charmer he knew how to talk to people he had a lot of friends he did appear to be A very nice guy He was going to the same church I was going to

Nobody knew Nobody knew You did Yeah It's hard to get out of a toxic relationship, huh? It's hard to get out of a toxic relationship When you don't talk to anybody And everybody

The person that they do talk to He seems He seems fine so they think it's you and then you go crazy because it's not you yeah they're like well what did you do that's what yeah that would make me not want to talk to anyone either well like fuck this like no one's gonna understand me anyway there's not even a point for me to fucking do this yeah it's so fucked up that's oh take that goes back to the beginning of our conversation. People taking advantage of weak,

not even weak, we just understand that we don't want anyone else's bullshit. No. It's fucked up, Kanika. I hear you on that. What the fuck? So why'd you bring this motherfucker back in your life?

I thought he changed. Yeah. I don't know. It was it was just like oh i'm stronger now i've i've learned more now there's got to be a way to you never called the cops on this guy yeah um well another story uh dude it's too weak it's like i'm sorry this is such a sad conversation. The Bonnaroo cancellation is fucking awesome. Honestly, every time I spend time around you, you're a really good person, and I feel the energy from you. And I knew that if we ever had an interview,

I was just going to open up. And I've completely come to terms. I'm all right with it. You know I love you. This is an open room. Me and you, we're gang gang. You know that, right? Yes. You know I love you. This is an open room. Me and you, we're gang gang. You know that, right? Yes.

I got your fucking back. So I moved to Columbia. I got this apartment and I moved away from him. And I got myself together there. I started going to school. And then one of my electives wasn't available and I got myself together there. I started going to school. And then I found, one of my electives wasn't available and I took a theater class

with Mario McLean. Hell yeah. And we started, and we put some, we put some music together and we were supposed to write this short musical for the end of theater

and we killed it. How old were you here? This, I had 26. Uh- at 26 I was 26 yep and so we made made some music together and we started going to these little open mic places and then I found out that homeboy had moved into Columbia he moved closer and he was going to the same church, but he was still like away from me. Anyway, he found out that I was hooking up with the pastor's son at the church. OK, OK.

But that didn't turn out so good because he found out about it. And he was once he moved back, he was helping with the kids. He was not allowed inside of my apartment. None of that. I don't know. Again, I still feel like there's parts of me that are really naive and at some point um he got in he got into no he broke into my house and he found out about the guy and he like woke me up he just I was laying on the floor I love

sitting on the floor like kicked me and woke me up. Just like a, not like a really hard kick. I mean, obviously not an unwanted one. Yeah, wake your ass up. He kicked me and he was like, he had my phone. Who's this? It's Ro.

You've been dating him? Does Pastor know? Hold on, but were you with him? No, I wasn't with him. How did he have your phone? How did he know?

He broke into the apartment, picked up my phone. He knew that I was talking to him because he was at the church. He must have seen me talk to him. He just like scrolled through it and looked at my shit. He knew that I was talking to him because he was at the church. He must have seen me talk to him. He just like scrolled through it and looked at my shit. What a fucking asshole.

Asshole. He broke into my apartment. I did not find out until later because we had to go to the pastor and talk to him. And he was like, why would you give him a key to your apartment? That's what he asked me.

And I said, I didn't. And so he looked at him. He looked at Jermaine. And he was like, why? He was like, how'd you get in? He was like, I didn't. And so he looked at him. He looked at Jermaine, and he was like, how'd you get in? He was like, I have a key. Where'd you get a key from? He was like, I made a copy of it. What the fuck?

What is going on? Who is this guy? He's a fucking asshole. Does he? God. So that day, I had a chance To put him in jail Because I ended up There was another phone

Inside of my house And it was one of those Little blackberries And I picked up the phone And like while he's talking to me It was like The bad guy Giving his story about

You know He's like talking to me About like why All of this happened and he wasn't paying attention to me. I grabbed this other phone. I can't remember why the fuck that phone was there but I picked it up and I could only text on it. I text Vini and I was like, Vini,

I need you to call the police now. I was like, Jermaine's here. I need you to call the police. I need you to send him here now. And maybe 20 minutes later they opened the door. I tried to run out the door at one point. Anyone let you? I tried to go out the back door.

I tried to go out the front, or I tried to lock him out of it, and he kicked the door open. So I ran to the back, and I tried to get in there, and I got like a couple of steps out, and he yanked me back in and closed the door. But after that, I got the phone. And so the police came in, told him to get down on the ground.

He told me he had a gun. So I did tell Vini. I was like, he said he had a gun. I didn't see a gun. Anyway, they put him down on the ground. They cuffed him

and they separated us and they started talking to us. And I was staying. Did your neighbors hear you? Were you guys screaming? First of all, I lived in the project. So like,

they don't know. No one's in the business. Just no noise. Not always noise. So like, no of all, I lived in the project. So, like, they, you know. No one's in the entire business. Just noise. Always noise. So, like, no one knew what was going on. Holy fuck. So, the police were talking to us. And I guess in their eyes, it was just like, oh, you guys are dating and blah, blah, blah.

And I was just like, no, we're not together. He doesn't live here. I didn't give him. I don't know how he got in. I thought I left the door unlocked. I didn't even know about the key part, like, until later. So, I was like, I don't know how. Like, he's not supposed to be here. I didn't give him, I don't know how he got in. I thought I left the door unlocked. I didn't even know about the key part, like until later. So I was like, I don't know how, like I, he's not supposed to be here. Like he just got, he must've just got out of jail because he was in trouble before. And like, I was like, I don't know what he's like. She was like, he's like,

well, if we take him to jail, it's, it's a kidnapping because he kept you there against your will. And, and they were like, and they set it up. I mean, I don't think that they meant me ill will, but again, the quiet person. They didn't want to fucking deal with you. They didn't want to deal with the shit. So they were like, if you do this, he's never going to see his kid again.

And like, he's gone for life. They're guilt tripping you when you're fucking feel like your life is at risk? Yes. And Vini also called my sister. My sister shows up. It's a whole fucking shit show. And she's like, throw his ass in jail. And I was just like, I was like, well, what other option do I have?

I just don't want him to come back here anymore. I don't want him here anymore. And so there was like a temporary restraining order. And he had to leave out of town. Did he go away? He was gone and then he was going to the church. Maybe he showed up some months later at the church. And then that's when we found out all this shit.

And then he was like, wait, what happened? And then my pastor found out about all this shit that happened at the apartment. And then that's when he was like, how did he get in the house? Why are you letting him back? And I was like, I didn't. And he was like, oh, I had a key. Hold on.

This is so fucked up because, like, as an introvert, you can't even go to anyone for help because everyone thinks it's your fault. Yeah. Fuck all that. Yeah. I am so sorry for you, Kanika. That is fucked up in a half, dude. So how'd you get out of this vicious circle?

Because it seems like this circle, it's this thing that's happening to you keeps happening. How'd you get out of this? Yeah, music. But what was it like? It was just the words, just things that people saying the feeling feeling empowered by it and like you know usually it was just me talking to myself to get myself out

of like how I felt but like music like what people saying there was gospel music there was everything just just music in general and I you know when was in Texas, I got older and then I started blooming some sort of way that people would appreciate. And then people started to want to be my friend. Yeah. Um, so like there were more people who were like wanting to be around me. I still didn't have a lot of friends at all, at all. Yeah. I never really had close friends either i i don't know something just clicked just you know i i did get friends along the way and like um my best friend quesia honestly it wasn't until this guy was like long gone out of the picture that like things just started to unravel themselves um dude i say this oh God, my story is so fucking dark.

I stayed in a homeless shelter. What? Yeah. I don't know anything about this, dude. What, with your kid? Yeah, I was in a homeless shelter. How old were you? I was 28 by this time.

28 in a homeless shelter? You had no money? Yeah. Couldn't raise your kid? No, I wasn't 28. I'm sorry. It was right after that apartment. So 27?

No. Sorry. This was right before. This was right before the apartment because I got the apartment and then I moved in there. Sorry. It's a blur.

Was it hard for you to get a job? No. I was working at this gas station right before the apartment Because I got the apartment and then I moved in there Sorry, it's a blur Was it hard for you to get a job? No I was working at this gas station right down the street From the apartments And then I started working for Agape Assisted Living I loved taking care of older people That shit was nice

Like a lot of people would ignore them And I would just like find the people that I cling to And I would like sing to them Like while I'm taking care of them in the room or like while we're walking down the hallway there's a couple of them were a little irate and I would just use song to calm them down I'm sorry I mixed that whole thing up I was in the shelter first and then I was in the apartment okay what did these old people teach you about enjoying life I don't know if they taught me anything about enjoying life

I just didn't want them to be alone They gave me something to be happy about Like, you know, giving in to them Do you feel like you have to Give all the things that you want in your life to others to feel like you are getting a piece of that, too. Does that make sense? I don't feel like I have to. I liked to.

When I find someone that I did connect to, I was not against giving them whatever they needed to make them happy. Like, yeah. It's like. Like, yeah, it's like. Like you are dealing with loneliness. So in order for you to get away from the loneliness, you meet someone who's lonely and not make them feel lonely. Does that make sense? I guess that's what I did.

I guess I didn't even think about it like that. Because you're putting your energy of your loneliness and how you don't want to be felt into someone else's loneliness. Yeah. It's so selfless and it's beautiful, but we keep forgetting about fucking you, Kanika. Do you ever think about yourself? I do. You know, I do more now than I did before, obviously. I do think about myself and I ask myself, what makes me happy?

What do I need? What I want? You know, am I satisfied? I ask myself, I do all those things now. Yeah. You never used to? No. Who taught you that?

Or what finally did you give in to finally say, I'm a fucking person too? When I met Kweisi and I was in that damn shelter, I got out of there. I got into the apartment and then someone helped me go back to school through that whole little program that they had there. And I got my GED and then I went to school and that's when I met Mario and but the Yeah And this is okay, how don't give me a second no I'm here for you It's crazy Does anyone know this?

There's a lot of parts that no sayk doesn't know about it. No, none of the guys know this. Nobody doesn't know this, no. I mean, no. My sister knows, my dad knows parts of it. Are you ashamed of it? No. You just didn't want to have anyone feel sorry for you?

I mean, it's my story. I'm not ashamed of my story. I wish that I could move some parts, but I did take a lot from all that shit that I went through. A lot. I know how to cater to myself now. I know how to make myself happy. I know that I don't need anybody else around me to suffice

because I've always known that when I was younger. I'm like, fuck it, I'll be alone. Yeah, you're hanging out in poop grass. Yeah. Just rolling around. Just rolling around in there. That grass was so soft. Oh, my God.

It was raining outside. It was soft rain. Oh, God. Miss Betty was not having it. So what? Were you depressed later in your life, too, after the shelter? When did you feel like the clouds were disappearing? Or do you still feel like you hold that in you?

I started to, I started, you know, reading these teachings and listening to the studies of Abraham Hicks and like. Who's that? So it's an idea that you are in control of your life and that you create everything, you know, that you're in control of everything. If something happens in your life, you created that. Um, and that let me know that I have more power than I thought I did. I thought that I would just be interacting with these people that I just didn't want around. And, and I am in control of that. I felt like, yeah, I feel like I did create those situations. Yeah. I didn't want them, but, like, now I feel like I have more control of it, so now I'm not looking for anybody to do anything wrong to me.

I don't expect that. I expect all of my friends to be everything that I need them to be, and I complete't expect that. I expect all of my friends to be everything that I need them to be and I complete myself. And that all of these people are a part of my life because we are like-minded people and we will always be together while we have the same mindset. And when it separates, it's okay. But I am in control. That's probably the difference between what I thought before. This is not a beat against Christianity, but I did think that if I wasn't serving him, if I wasn't serving God the right way,

that I was being punished for what I did, maybe because of my thoughts or what I would think about. I thought about sex a lot. So maybe I thought, maybe because I'm thinking all these things, that these bad things are happening to me. But now I know that like the fact that I thought something bad was going to happen to me because I thought I was a bad person.

That's why that stuff that, you know, I, all of that energy came towards me because that's what was in my mindset. Like, that's not how I think now. Like, you know,

it's crazy. I think about this too because like when you go to high school or you go like you get stuck in these boxes and you have to like make friends with people you really don't give a fuck about yeah just because you're lonely you have to hang out with all these fucking people who don't understand you and don't fucking care about you know what i did when i was younger when somebody didn't do what I wanted them to do? I'd call my dad. I want to come back to Texas.

I would run away. I'd call my mom. I want to come back. I want to come back home. Do you still do that? Is that still a thing you do? Then move around? No.

Just run away from it? I mean, you know, I told you I go in my room, I close my door. That's my answer. I close my door and I just let my thoughts Be what they are Yeah I do I go get my own hotel room And beat off to weird shit Same

Dude What's the weirdest thing you beat up to What's the weirdest thing I've been up to I don't know It's all this weird incest porn Really I mean but it's everywhere As soon as you get on it It's like step mom weird incest porn Really? I mean but it's everywhere As soon as you get on it

It's like stepmom Sister I know they're acting And now I'm just I mean why does that have to be the theme now? Why is that like now a thing? Because of Freud Freudian stuff

Everyone's in love with their mom Or their sister Or their brother Mine's cartoons Yeah? Would you beat off the cartoon? Like people like have Cartoon people having sex?

Like Hinshaw yeah Shut the fuck up, Malachi. I was just watching some early this morning. Word? Yeah, I was at the house by myself. It gets you off? Have you ever like, have you ever had like sex with a furry? What do they call it, furries?

People dress up as like. Oh, have I ever done that? No. No, or like maybe a dude dressed up as like Sylvester the Cat. No, nobody's ever been bold enough to ask me. Well, there's always a new type. Well, that's crazy. My number is, I'm just kidding.

It's crazy how when, because it happens early. I'm the same way. I almost committed suicide when I was 19. My grandpa, I think I was quitting school and I was like asking my grandpa for a little money because I didn't have any and I knew I needed to buy a van. And he's like, I don't love you enough. And all my friends didn't think I was a musician. So I was kind of in this like fucking by myself and my parents, you i love them they're super supportive but in the beginning years they did not really agree on me becoming a musician they want they knew i needed

to be self-sufficient or whatever and um so i had no one to go to and i remember just like crying in my car talking to myself and all of a sudden I told this story on O'Teal's podcast but somebody like talked to me and do you has like your soul ever talked to you I guess you do because it's a radio show the same thing I think it's that same idea

of like the soul come to your help when you need it the most and it came to me like yo I know no one gives a fuck but that doesn't mean this Like the soul come to your help when you need it the most. And it came to me like, yo, I know no one gives a fuck, but that doesn't mean this idea is over. You're going to follow those dreams. You're going to follow that thing that you always want and get these fucking people out of your life. I never talked to my grandfather ever since.

I kind of regret that because he died. And I wish we had closure a little bit, but just, you know, sometimes you need that, whatever it is that to wake you up saying, you know what? Fuck these people. Shout out to my parents. My parents weren't like that. I'm not going to say that to my parents. Well, I love your mom and dad. This ain't about you. They listen to this podcast every week. This is not about my mom and dad. This is more about the people I surround myself with. You know, my sisters were older.

I didn't have anybody. So I would just like talk to myself out of holes. And sometimes I didn't know how to talk my way out of the hole I dug myself in because I overthought it

and overthought it. I would just, at that, when I get like that, I just cry, cry, cry, cry, cry, cry, cry, cry, cry. It's hard for me to cry. You cry good?

You a good crier? Yeah. You can cry? I can go all day. Really? But like, and then, and then like as soon as the crying is done, that's when I just like, I'm up. I don't stay down long. I don't stay down long at all.

No, I just cry a whole lot. And then at some point I'm just like, I'm done with this shit. I want to feel good. Isn't it amazing how that cleanses your shit? Yeah, it does. It helps. I also want to say that I talked about rough patches with my life, but I will say that I feel like my parents knew there was something going on with me

when I started to connect to music more. And they supported it every step of the way. Both of them. My parents too later in life. They knew how happy it made me. Yeah, I think they saw that. And they've known me my entire life and I've never really clung to anything. I could let things go really fast.

When I was in Dallas, if somebody pissed me off, I'm like, I want to get out of here. I want to go back home. And I would just run away from it and reset. Isn't it amazing? Because you never listen to fucking jam music when you were a kid. Dude, no. And now the white people just love it.

Well, my dad used to take me to these smooth jazz festivals, but that's not the same. It was not the same. It was like these little festivals he would take me to. No, no, no, no. No. We had a great conversation. You were talking to me about the difference between white people listening to music and

black people listening to music. Dude. Okay. So there's a couple of places that I play in Charleston, and it's a mostly black crowd like people you know people I go way back with like own that place and I get in there like the energy is always different even in church even in like

you know you get up and you start singing now behold the land they're all right now and then everybody's listening but don't fuck up they're judging? oh yes they will yes they will the Yes they will. The old ladies in the front will cross their arms. Really? If you fuck it up? If you do your own thing on it? Yes they will and

even more so when you're singing you know to a club crowd. But I take it as a personal challenge. I like it's just the way that they receive the music. They love the music but they're barely going to tell you. Um, why is that? Um, is it competitive? Everyone wants to sing. Like, what is it? I jealousy or I don't think so. I,

I would say that there are black women that I, that I, you know, That I know are musicians And I don't feel like They're petty with me As far as my music They've come out to see me I don't know what it is I have no idea But I know it's a Very different thing You know

When I go to festivals Like When I met you I was just getting Into festivals I didn't know anything About it And I was just like

Yo this is real love Right here Yo this girl Just showed me her titties. Yo. I'm the same way, dude. I didn't know any fucking jam specials. This is amazing. They really do love you.

This shirt I'm wearing, this chick just like damn near broke her neck to get this shirt to me because they were keeping everybody separate. They were like, all right, y'all can't go this way. And she's just like, I just wanted to take this shirt. Do you think this culture or this music scene that we're all in, you're not really a jam band. I'm not really a jam band. But we're in this culture. And this is mostly a lot of our fan bases.

Do you think they're just more accepting to who we are? I think a lot of these people at these festivals went through the same thing that you and I went through. We were just like outcast. And in this place, you can reveal your skin and your inner soul and no one is shaming you for it. Yeah. I just feel like it's the place and you're on great grounds. You know, a festival just happened last year and the year before that.

great grounds you know a festival just happened last year and the year before that and like there's all of these activities that help you appreciate life and like and anybody who's you know who's away from the festivals and and need that like I could see that in their faces when we went to summer camp I could see it they were just like I've been waiting for this I've been in my house for a year and a half like Like I've been wanting to get out of here. And like, this is the thing. And ordinary people just, they need something to remind them that life is worth living. And sometimes they're not as connected to music as we are,

but they know that that feeling, they can tell how intense we feel about it. And the closer that they get to us, the more they feel that they're like there it is that's what i'm looking for it's like close to that love uh energy or that closer to some people called heaven yeah you know what would you tell someone from the experiences you had throughout your life who was alone what would you give someone who feels like they have nobody to talk to? If you're in a moment where you feel like

everything is all lost, it's not necessarily, it's not, I wouldn't talk myself out of it in the moment. I would feel that. I'll be sad, I will cry, and then I talk myself out of that. Find all of the things that make you happy. And it starts with the simple things. It could start out with a donut. It could be a donut. It could be a TV show. It could be painting your nails. It could be sitting in the grass on top of a septic tank.

It could be going out to the creek and you're putting your feet in the water. I mean, it could be being alone. It could be, you know. Watching cartoon porn. I would say find out how to do that by yourself before you interact with anyone else in that moment. Because sometimes they can throw you off. Like, find that within yourself first. And it's okay to be sad.

Every day is not a happy day, man. That's what I'm trying to get at. Everyone thinks that we need to have all these good days all the time. Maybe we were born to have better days later in our life so we could actually appreciate it. Well, you know, the rough days

are when you realize that you're rubbing up against something and you don't like it. It lets you know what you want. It's just like, well, I know I don't want this and you don't like it. It helps you, it lets you know what you want. It's just like, well, I know I don't want this. I don't like this. And it helps you figure out,

you know, you get a bad taste in your mouth and you're like, okay, this isn't it. Like it helps you define that. That's why I feel like people who go through rough, hard times, they come out better in the end.

Yeah. Like I normally would be just like fucking bummed out because of Bonnaroo was our biggest, like this is the biggest show we were supposed to ever have. 50,000 people watching us,

whatever, just disappearing. Instead of like marinating my own shit, instead, I'm appreciating the moment that we actually get to play music and I get to hang out with you

and fucking Charleston. And it's pretty outside. It's pretty, dude. There's a storm coming in. Whenever the storm comes in, we get like a little like an overcast. No rain. Just like wind. Nice 70 degree weather.

What? I have nothing to complain about. So when do you feel like you are now the happiest you've ever been? Yes. Yeah? Why? Because you get to be who you are? Because I know how to control it. Yeah. I know how to control my destiny.

I know how to control my life. I know how to make myself happy. I know what I want. I know who I am. I know that those things in my life didn't define me, but they helped me figure out what I wanted. I know who I am. I didn't know who I was then. I didn't know. I didn't know if I was just supposed to be a stay-at-home mom. I didn't know if I was supposed to just let somebody beat the shit out of me and that was just going to be

my life. I didn't know if I was going to be in Texas. I didn't have answers to those questions and I had to start out with the simple things. What makes you happy? Rain. So I would just go outside. I started out with the simplest thing. Every time it rained, I'd just go outside and let it rain on me. And I love the water, so I'd go to the beach. And then it got bigger and then bigger and then...

Damn, so why do we forget about the little things? I think we're so used to seeing them, we forget how much power they have. I live so close to the beach and I have to remind myself constantly that it's there. It's like, it's there for you. Yeah. People, do you trust people? I trust that the right people will be in front of me and I'll know exactly what to say to them

I trust the people who are around me I always say when politics get really edgy, I'm never a part of that because my circle, we don't give a shit about that we might talk about it a little bit but we're talking about things that make us happy we're on the same path I think that's why

I didn't, you know, run into racism as much like out of sight, out of mind. I just didn't think that that applied to me. Yeah. That I'm going to be surrounded by good people. When I did get a control of it,

I was like, I know what to expect from life. I know that I'm going to run into people who are going to treat me good. Like, cause it seems like nowadays, I mean, you surround yourself with such amazing people. Ross, Stasek, Stu, your whole Charleston community. And now Branch, now I'm not going to rub myself, but you got us too. And we love your ass.

We fucking love you. We will fight for you. I swear to God, I will fucking fight for you. Just want you to know that anytime. You know that, right? Yes. I got you. I love you too. I will fight for you. I swear to God, I will fucking fight for you. Just want you to know that anytime. You know that, right? Yes. I got you. Always and forever.

But I think as we get older, I think we just get comfortable with ourselves and knowing that I don't need this fucking person in my life or I don't need this bullshit in my life. I just want to live as happy as I can and while you go through shit because we're not going to just it's not going to just like you get happy and all of a sudden you're not going to go through shit and also reminding yourself that like a lot of times you think that somebody else is responsible for you not being happy you're you're completely in control i mean obviously distance between certain people between certain toxic people is you know necessary for you to be able to focus, but you are in control. It doesn't matter what somebody

else did to you. I'm in control. Whenever something bad or something good happens, I always tell myself, I did that. I did that. It helps me know that I'm in control. It lets me know that something crazy isn't going to happen to me because my goal

is going this way. How many times do you forget that you're in control? Less now or more? Less. Yeah. Less. I don't even use it as much in my vocabulary that something is out of control anymore. I'm just like, because I'm in control.

I'm in control. So if it's out of control, it's because I want it to be that way. Fuck. I could talk to you for hours. I think we have a show in 20 minutes. What time is it? How much time do we have? We got 30 minutes. Alright, Kanika.

I'm like this. Let's do a little podcast for the show. I just want to say I love you. I love you, too. Do you want to thank you for being here during this moment? Because, you know, we're all bummed out, dude. Bonnaroo, biggest show. And to have you here with us, we just want to say we love you. So let's give it up for Kanika.

Hey. Love you. My girl. Our girl. Our girl, our baby, our baby girl. But do you want to give some motivation to the crowd just to have them

have a great week this week? We were going to... I was going to have a guest, but fuck it. It's just me and you. This is going to be our week. This is me and you. Do you have any motivation for everyone to have a great week Even if it just started out like a piece of shit Are you ready?

Yeah Ladies and gentlemen I wanna let you know If you're going through those hard times There's a lot of shit going on right now But like I said, start with the small things Yeah The little things that make you happy

They're right in front of you You know what they are. If it's a piece of candy or a hug or a kitten, go for that and expand from there because you are in control of your destiny. You and only you. Hell yeah. Let's go watch some cartoon porn and start a show, baby. Let's go. We love you, Kanika. I love you. And back to the ground Keep your arms wide open, babe I'm coming down I'm coming down like a man losing grace I'm coming down falling flat on my face

I'm coming down like a storm through the clouds To keep your arms wide open, baby I'm coming down I'm addicted to something that I can't touch Like a giant abyss that I'll never fill up Keep your arms wide open, baby I'm coming down I'm coming

down like a man losing grace I'm coming down falling flat on my face I'm coming down like a storm through the clouds keep your arms wide open

baby I'm coming down Keep your arms wide open baby I'm coming down And there you have it. Kanika Moore. Unbelievable, right? God damn it. Such a beautiful heart. Such a beautiful soul.

So passionate. And just, you know, music saves people. Music saves people. Everyone, you know, this is why I'm out here. Busting my ass. And I'm living in a 1981 RV right now. Because keeping the dream alive. We got to keep the dream alive.

All right, guys. I love you. Be safe out there. I'll catch you next week. I'm interviewing some cool people this week actually Next week I got LP You ever heard of her? She's badass as fuck

I got Tom Green I'm interviewing Tom Green And I got a bunch still stockpiled from I got Ryan Montblew I got I'm putting out the homies special I can't wait to put that one out And I got Jay Blakesburg

Jay Blakesburg's story is insane Jay Blakesburg was the photographer ofburg's story is insane. Jay Blakesburg was the photographer of The Grateful Dead and Rolling Stone. Great story. I'm trying to put that one in there. I'm just trying to give you something different every week and from the stockpile. So I'm kind of like forming the show, trying to put my effort into it because you guys deserve it. You've been with me for four years now. I can't believe I've been doing this podcast for four years. Unbelievable. Shout out to y'all. Shout out to Chris Duran. Shout out to Joe Angelhound. Shout out to everyone on this fight with me because we're here to bring happiness to people and to all our haters out there. Suck our dicks

from the back. You know, I've been saying saying that a lot I got a message from a fan Who saw me in Baltimore I'm like tell your haters to suck your dick from your back Or your vagina from the back Because you own this shit And I forgot that I was at a kids show And she just like warned me Like hey Andy you know we loved your set

Just maybe don't Say suck my dick from the back When there's kids When there's kids at the show. I'm like, oh yeah, that's a good point. I'll stop doing that. But have a great day. I'll see you next week. Nick's on the show. I'm going to see how the Tom Green interview goes. Maybe I'll put that on next week. I got a bunch so we got we got some stuff we're going into the fall season and um another i think we have another 10 episodes or yeah 10 episodes or 11 more episodes until this season's over and then on to season four or season five and i gotta focus on the

shit show too and uh the new record comes out i won't you when, but we got a lot of things brewing. Next week we are, oh yeah, we're releasing a Spotify live album next week. Andy Fraskin and UN live on the rocks. We recorded a Red Rocks set, so we're going to put it out there, and it's going to be on Spotify and Apple and all that stuff. All right, guys. I love you. Be safe. Keep following your dreams.

Don't let anyone tell you just because you're on the downslope of your dream that there's still time to get back on that fucking horse and keep walking north. Head there, baby, because this is your life. Don't regret anything. Fight until you can't fight anymore. All right. I love you. And I'll catch you next week.

You tuned in to the World Saving Podcast with Andy Fresco, now in its fourth season. Thank you for listening to this episode, produced by Andy Fresco, Joe Angelo, and Chris Lawrence. We need you to help us save the world and spread the word. Please subscribe, rate the show, give us those crazy stars, iTunes, Spotify, wherever you're picking this shit up. Follow us on Instagram at world saving podcast for more info and updates.

Fresco's blogs and tour dates you'll find at andyfresco.com. And check our socials to see what's up next. Might be a video dance party, a showcase concert, that crazy shit show, or whatever springs to Andy's wicked brain. And after a year of keeping clean and playing safe, the band is back on tour. We thank our brand new talent booker, Mara Davis. We thank this week's guest, our co-host,

and all the fringy frenzies that help make this show great. Thank you all. And thank you for listening. Be your best, be safe, and we will be back next week.