Andy Frasco's World Saving Podcast - EP 319: Nick & Andy Talk to a Relationship Therapist

Episode Date: May 13, 2025

Swingers Beware! Stop eating your dessert first and really ask yourself the tough questions, cuz this week we welcome Relationship Guru, Chanel Nicole Scott! Andy and Nick finally fulfill their mutual, long-lived desire to have Andy's lovelife and sexual proclivities ripped to SHREDS. Will this sage advice send Andy into a spiral from which he may never recover? Or will he come out the other side a new man... nay, a BETTER man... Listen and find out! Suffering from aphantasia and need a visual aid to accompany your podcast? Well, fear not. We gotchu! Watch this episode now on Volume.com & YouTube. We're psyched to partner up with Volume.com! Check out their roster of upcoming live events and on-demand shows to enrich that sweet life of yours. Call, leave a message, and [insert funny thing]: [phone]  Check out our new album Growing Pains on all platforms 5/23/25!! Follow us on Instagram @worldsavingpodcast For all things Frasco, go to: AndyFrasco.com Produced by Andy Frasco, Nick Gerlach, Joe Angelhow, & Chris Lorentz Audio mix by Chris Lorentz Featuring: Mara Davis

And we're back. Andy Frasco's World Saving Podcast. I'm Andy Frasco. This is my co-host Nick Gerlach as always. Nick actually got this, our next guest. Nick, what's going on? What are you? Andy, I've been a little bit worried about your dating life for the last, I don't know, five years. Whenever we met these women, they come and go, Andy, and we need to, I think, work on your communication a little bit. So, I brought in an expert. Chanel Scott, how are you today? I'm doing well. How about you guys? Hey, Chanel, how are you doing? I feel like this is like an intervention right now.

She's the host of um, Chem Ministry, right? Yes, that is correct. She also has a podcast called Relationships Matter with, is Josh Powell your co-host still for that? Josh Powell is my co-host. Yeah, absolutely. Former NBA player, remember? Oh, Josh Powell, he was a Laker. Yeah, yeah, he was a Laker. Oh my god. Andy's a Laker nut. Oh my god You I'm one step away from Josh Powell. There you go. Like Kevin Bacon. I'm like Kevin Bacon the Josh Powell Chanel and I think I know the reason why you're here Why am I afraid of commitment? Why am I afraid of commitment?

Why do people get afraid of commitment? Why do people, why do you get afraid? We can go deeper in this. Let's do it. I don't know. What's the key to a healthy relationship? I think that's my first question. I think the key to being in a healthy relationship? I think that's my first question. I think the key to being in a healthy relationship is the prep work that you do prior to even

considering being in a relationship. And that's really just happening to your purpose. Just knowing your God given identity, knowing why you were put on this earth and what you were called to do. And then that way you'll have contentment within self before you try to connect with someone else. A lot of times people live vicariously through a connection or an attachment with another person because they don't know their value or they don't know who they are.

So why do I like one night stands so much? Cause you probably got childhood trauma. What happened in childhood? I did have sex with my teacher when I was in high school. Oh my God. I'm just gonna let you guys talk for a little bit. I mean, you know, sometimes when you have those experiences early on in life, it awakens something on the inside of you.

It's like a sensationable desire that you have for this feeling, right? And so, because you're chasing that, it's difficult for you to stay in a committed relationship. You're totally right. I mean, I gotta, okay, I'm just gonna tell you everything. We're friends. Okay, now, stand on me. First of all, I'm so happy you're here,

because I don't have anyone to talk to about this. Let me mute my phone, besides Nick. Nick's like, shut the F up already. I've heard it. I can't help you. I think I got addicted to sex early in my life. And instead of drugs, I got into sex. And I think what I'm trying to figure out is,

how do I micromanage a healthy sexual relationship with one person versus like when I'm dating someone, I am afraid to have sex with them because it's the trauma like you're talking about of just one night stands. So how do I build intimacy with someone in a way that... What you said it, what you're afraid of is, you should not because this is the thing, it's about the hunt for men, right? So if you're having these one night stands,

you've already fulfilled whatever that thing is that's on the inside of you guys, inside of me. It's like a hunting mentality, right? It's like a hunting mentality, right? It's like a hunt. And now you fulfill this sensational desire on the first night. Now there's nowhere to go with it. It's like, where do I go with this?

Because you don't have a foundation. You don't know the person. You don't know their value. You don't know their significance. You don't know how they bring value to your life. You don't even care at that point because you have fulfilled that thing. But if you wait, right, and develop a level of connection, communication, a foundation, then

you start to tap into those things that have substance. Like, wow, this person can bring this value in my life. This is how they can add value to me. This is how I can add value to them. And then you begin to build on that. And then sex is a byproduct of a healthy connection. Right. Right. So often we've talked to that thing and then it's like there's nowhere to go with it. You went from A to Z in one night. Yeah. And that's what you had your dessert before you had your steak, Andy. I did. Yeah. Stop eating dessert first. What is it that I would ask you, because you have all the answers, right? We just know how to ask you the right questions in order to get answers out. What is it that make you want to have sex on the first night?

I think it's a form of, I don't know, intimacy is a form of, or it's all, no, I'm lying to myself. It's an intimacy. No, it is an intimacy. It's like a dopamine rush. It's like a drug addiction. It's like an addiction, right? Oh, it's like a sex addiction.

It's like a sex addiction. Have you gone to counseling for that? I haven't, should I? Yes, absolutely. No, okay. What if she was like, nah, I'm gonna clap to that. I haven't. Should I? Yes. Absolutely. No. Okay. What if she was like, nah, I'm going to clap to that. I just need someone to tell me that. They're going to know how to ask you the right questions in terms of sex and how it plays a role in your life. How you see it, right? It sounds like you objectify women. Like you don't even look at them as like a human being, right? As opposed to something

that you just gotta catch. No, because I have, I don't think it's a, I don't think it's a, it's that per se. I think I'm trying to find love so quickly because my job, I'm always away. I play, I'm in a band, I do 250 shows a year. So I feel like the next time I'm going to see someone is a year. So it's not about objectifying. It's about like speeding up the process to see if we're meant for each other. And that's what's fucking me up is like I'm rushing all this thing. It's like speed dating. Yeah, but sex isn't going to determine if that's your person because it's so much more that goes into building a relationship, right? You may have chemistry with someone on the first night, but how do you know

that you have a level of compatibility? That's where it comes. You've got to be compatible in order for it to have substance and last. It's more than sex. Because what are you going to do when you can't have sex? Right? There has to be something else that sustains the relationship. And that's where the friendship comes in, right? That's where the compatibility comes in. That's where you learn the person's values, their goals, all those different things that make up a person.

And then you find out, wow, can I do life with this person? And that's what I've been doing lately. But I'm not having sex with them. And I'm having having sex with them. And I'm having like these like one week, like going to hang out with them for a week in their town. And not having sex, then they feel like, they feel like, wow, why don't you wanna have sex with me? Because I want to get to know you.

Totally, like when I, my ex-girlfriend. Yeah, my ex-girlfriend was, I wanted to like have this relationship with her, like on a personal level, not feel like sex was part of the relationship. And I was just trying to be her friend and stuff. And she felt bad because I didn't want to have sex, she thought it was her.

But you articulated to her what your motives and your intentions were, right? Yeah, I did. And then I felt like if they want to have sex and they're rushing you, then you have to think, okay, you aren't the only one. They're doing that with you. They're doing that with somebody else. That's what I mean.

I think it's both ways. It's not just me saying like, oh, I want this. It's like, I think it's a two-way street. And I'm like, I'm not a territorial person. I'm like, I'm a sensitive guy and I talk. It's not just like I'm looking for the one-night stand. It's more of like I'm looking for love so quickly. Because I don't have time to get to know someone.

Compared to other Lotharios, if you're, you know, I would say you have a pretty high respect for women. Like I think you do value women more than other guys in this sort of one night stand territory. Yeah. I do think it's something else in that. So what do you think? How do I, honesty, tell me like the core things of a relationship.

Like you're talking to a kindergartner because like I said like it's knowing who you are I want to ask you this how do you feel after you have sex like how do you feel like what what is it that make you say this is going to be because you decide whether it's a one night stand yeah right that's something that you actively make a decision and say, I'm not gonna call this person back for one reason or the other. So let's talk about that. What is it that you say that? I guess it's not a one night stand. It's like basically we hook up once a year when I come back to town. But why? We're still like we still stay in touch. It's like not the it's it's like more of a.

Friends who have sex. Friends who have sex. That's who I have sex with. But you create, look, you as the man, you set the precedence for what it's gonna be. Right. But what I wanna ask you is why? Because it could be more if you allow it to be.

I think I'm scared to commit because I'm always away and I'm scared that they're just gonna eventually hate me because I'm always gone on the road. But they can't go on the road with you, you can't create this schedule where you know we're gonna meet up here. Like you have to put in the work. I know. Yeah. That's what maybe I'm just being selfish. It sounds like you're making excuses for not wanting to be in a relationship because you get to determine how this relationship is going to run like if you don't want To come on the road you'd like I don't want you to come on a road But if I want you to come on a road if we can meet up here or we can see each other at least

This amount of time while I'm traveling then we can actually make this work. We got a face time nowadays We can face time right we can we can do all these different things, right? So it's all about what you put into it. 100%, you're totally right. And- But is it that you don't wanna do the work, or what is it? I don't have enough time.

That's honest, he's being honest. I'm being honest. Okay, so then if you don't have enough time, then your desire for relationship is not, it doesn't hold enough weight. Right. Right. Yeah.

Cause you would make time. Cause I would make time. You're saying I don't have enough time that outweighs your desire to want to be in a relationship. So maybe I never want to, maybe I just, maybe I just don't want to be in a relationship and everyone's, cause I'm just getting older. Oh, then we gotta be honest with that. Oh, okay. So then that's a heart. That's a heart issue

You got to be honest, right? The answers are within you totally we can talk about it all day But you got to be like brutally honest like is this something that I really want? Am I really am I willing to dedicate the time that it takes in order to nurture a relationship? And if I'm not I got to be honest about that. Right. I think I just was honest with that. And- You don't want it. Or-

I do want love. I do want love. But, you know what? I was getting ready to say this. It's either you don't want it or you haven't met the right person that has displayed enough value for you to say, okay, I'm gonna settle down and I'm gonna work to sustain this relationship. You haven't met the right person. What happened to me basically what with Julie?

Yeah, I was you know, I was like not as maybe as as crazy as you but I was pretty single my whole life I've been with the same woman for 12 years, but before that I was very single. I think that's what happened Maybe just gotta meet the right lady. But what was it about Julie that made you say, I'm going to settle down and be with Julie? Well, she's very good looking. That helps. She is beautiful. She's kind of the opposite of me, which was, which is sort of attractive to me. Like she has a lot of empathy and

she's like a giver, you know, so I think that was what it was. And she's funny. Yeah so that I want to use you as an example so what did it take for you to do for you and Julie to get to the point like what happened? It was very quick we just headed off very quickly and I was like all right this is it I'm gonna I got I don't know I just knew you just kind of know sometimes you know yeah it wasn't it wasn't something I even thought about that much I just started dating and I was like i'm into this and I cut off all the other Things I had going on, you know

Right, but you saw enough value in that woman for you to make that decision. Yes And i'm almost certain that you guys talked a lot. Oh, yeah, we did. Yeah, we haven't we still do you talked a lot? Yeah, it wasn't like just sex, but it was about connection. Yeah, no one's gonna be with me just for the sex. That's... I'm kidding, you asked. I'm kidding.

No, she's a very good communicator as well. Yeah, I think I am too. But yeah, I think that is a big deal. You have to talk a lot. They have to be your friend. You have to talk a lot. Yeah, they have to be a friend. Because you're going to be around them a lot for your relationship. And sometimes they're going to get annoying. And you just got to have to move. You know, you have to accept that because you're annoying too, sometimes. Right, absolutely. I think you being on a roll can actually work in your favor since you have these one night stands. I would challenge you to like, put yourself through a test and say, okay,, you got to meet this great person. You're going to notice some amazing qualities about it,

but because you travel, you're not going to be around to have said, I would challenge you not to do it, but continue communication with her while you're on the road and just observe. Yeah. Observe the energy that she puts into it, observe the energy that you put into it. Right. And then you can decipher and make a decision with a clear mind whether this is my person or not without having the sex, because sex cannot sustain a relationship.

It just cannot. I don't want it to sustain a relationship, to be honest. I am traumatized by it now. I am. Why do you say that? I don't know, I just feel like I don't, I'm just kind of just over sex. I just want to have a person like an asexual relationship. But he says that's just a friend. Yeah. Which is fine though. Yeah. That's good. Yeah. I mean, that's good. Yeah. It's like you're

getting tired. Every man comes to that point in their life with they're like, you know what? This isn't serving me anymore. Right. Like I need something deeper, right? I need something deeper. I personally as a woman can never understand cause we as women, we don't want to hold a bunch

of hands on our body. Right. Right? We only want like one set of hands and we can have it that way on our bodies. But men, you guys can separate. I don't know how you separate that and just have to act. You know? It's like caveman style. I don't know. That's what I understand. I don't understand.

Because I'm like questioning, am I gay? Yeah. I don't think you're gay. Are you? Look, it's a question. Are you? No, I'm not. but like, I can't, I feel like in my brain, like, why can't I, why can't I relate with a woman, you know? Or it's just in my own head,

I'm just in my own head about this whole thing. And I need to like, I need to get out of my own way. And also I settle. I wanna. Oh, don't do that. That's, I think that's the one. Don't do it, it's not gonna last if you settle. If you settle, Oh, I don't do that. That's the thing. That's not going to last if you settle. If you settle, it's not going to last. That's the woman's job.

Don't do that because you're not, it's not going to last. The moment you meet someone that's more attractive than that woman, you're going to be out the door. Absolutely not. I would say maybe it has something to do with being disciplined with your body. Yeah, I agree. You got to practice discipline. Even if you have that desire to want to have sex, if you meet an attractive woman that's extremely attractive, highly intelligent, articulate, has all of these amazing qualities that you're looking for in a woman, but you are having this sexual desire in that moment, put your body under subjection and say, you know what, I am going to fight whatever that all,

and I'm gonna focus on really getting to know this person and putting them in the app, the caller, you know, FaceTime if you're on the road, text her, you know, be creative with it. Yeah. Cause I know, and it's also like going back to the sex addiction thing, like I stopped masturbating. Okay. And that's helped. Cause I know. And it's also like going back to the sex edition thing. Like I stop uh masturbating. Okay. And that's helped me. I know. And let me know if you're, I'm just telling you

too much information. I know we just met each other. She goes, okay. That was so funny. But I think what's triggering the sex, cause like, you know, sometimes I'll, I'll do a little cocaine. I'll, and I'll have to go to bed and I'll have to like beat off and go to bed. So I stopped that routine of just sexual. She looks like her mother reacting to you talking about this stuff. This cannot be my baby. No, but like I think it's the sexual. I'm retraining my brain that everything doesn't have to be...

Doesn't have to end in that. End in that. I'm retraining my brain to say there's more than just me or her coming. That's just the beginning. The relationship, the heart to heart is... Because I'm really am searching for love. I'm not like just trying to fuck around. I want to find a person.

I just, I can't get out of my own way. I think that you need to talk to someone who can help you dig a little bit deeper to determine what is driving that behavior. Yeah. All the way down to, you know, these are the things that I'm doing to appease this. Even though you've stopped, right?

We want to tap into what is it that makes me want to do that? I think I never felt like I was wanted as a kid. So now we get in some way. OK, did you experience a tremendous amount of rejection? Yeah, rejection. My family. I was like the youngest of the youngest, eight years younger. So I just always felt like extra. I remember in third grade, I got, I stole some of my mom's old jewelry. Shout out to my mom. She's listening to this. But I stole some of her old jewelry and I gave it to a

girl that I really liked. And she threw it on the ground and just like stomped on it and like made a fool of me. I mean she likes you in third grade though. I don't know but it hurt my feelings and it got me scared to like be intimate again because that was the first time I ever really liked someone. But I don't know why that is still triggering me from third grade. I'm 37 years old. You know? And you're an attractive guy so I don't, I mean, maybe it's the little boy on the inside of you. You got to get past that. The thing we can exude this. I don't know this certain like you, you say you do music and you travel and you have all these amazing things going on. Right. And so people see that, right. right but you you're still dealing with the

trauma that the eight-year-old dealt with how 30 what 31 years ago I appreciate you think I'm 31 yeah I appreciate you think I'm longer than I am I really I know I'm so serious like you know I know, I can see why, you know, women will be attracted to you, but you're still showing me something that happened to you 30 plus years ago. Yeah. So that's one of my questions. Why do we hold on to trauma? I don't know.

Like you have to ask yourself, because I'm almost certain that people don't respond to you in the way that that eight year old girl responded to you. I know. 100%. You got to change your mind. You got to change the way you think. Right. girl responded to you. So you gotta change your mind, you gotta change the way you think. About yourself, like how do you feel about yourself? Do you think you're great?

Do you think you're amazing? This is the first time I've ever loved myself. This is like the first two years of my life where I'm actually, I'm confident that I'm a badass in my job, I'm heartfelt, I'm considerate. Like I do, this is the first time I've really felt confidence in myself and it's so weird because I, you don't know my persona on stage but I'm like pretty confident on stage and then right when I get off stage I'm like kind of this

insecure. You think so Nick? We got that in common though. Yeah. We got that in common. What do you think that is? It's about childhood trauma. It's about childhood trauma and things that we experience as a kid that we haven't gotten over. And so as an adult, we try to prove to ourselves

that we can get that person or that we can do whatever it was that we wasn't able to do as a child Right, but then it has everything to do with us not loving ourselves, right? This is something that I just learned recently It's like a person will say do you love yourself and instinctively you're gonna say yes I do but then you look at how you allow others to treat you how you treat yourself Right, and then the answer is absolutely I can't because there's a deficit there. So then those are the issues that you have to tackle and figure out how to overcome. Right.

How did you overcome it? You know what? I tapped into my purpose. I got, I got okay with Chanel. Like I spent years trying to fit into circles that I didn't belong. I attached my value to other people who I thought was more valuable than me. And God, I just have to be honest with you, God allowed me to get hurt enough until I learned how to love myself.

I got into purpose, you know, that created more access to things that I was passionate about. And then, I mean, I thrust myself into that and I was good at that. And that's kind of just where I hang out at, you know, it, we feel good. I'm not abusing myself. I'm not making bad decisions anymore, but that is because I know who I am. I know why I'm here. And so I don't allow anyone to change the way I see myself anymore. Let's fucking go Janelle, that's what I'm talking about. Let's go, let's go. Why don't you let me go?

You're amazing. You're right. And not just that, the women who, especially the women who get mad at you because you don't wanna do that, that's a red flag all day long. They gotta go. They gotta go.

Absolutely, they gotta go. I'm thankful that I broke up with my, I've only had one girlfriend my life mmm it's pretty much the same here yeah I do kind of I guess I don't know I don't know so are you married to Julie no but we know all the other we live together it's common law it's like I don't know it's kind of well for tax purposes mostly Yeah Kinda yeah, are you for real? It's like a self. It's like it. Yeah, but I don't know I'm just not like very really I kind of see it as like a religious thing

And I'm not super religious and what marriage yeah, I don't want to like step over I don't know it's kind of hard to explain, but she's not this is the most vulnerable I've ever seen she's a lock on my show by the way. She's not going Chanel people She's not really super into marriage either. We don't we don't really want kids Okay, so I think we're just kind of good where we're at and it I don't know but we might get married at some point Is that okay? I'm not against it or anything. I think we're both On the same page. We're on the exact same page about marriage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not like anti-marriage.

It's just, I don't know. I think I just don't value being married the same way other people do maybe. I'm not saying that marriage is bad, but like it's not something that I need. And it's not something she needs either. But we're partners. Okay. Does that make sense?

Did you grow up in the household where your parents were married? Oh, a lot of divorce. A lot of divorce. So that may have a lot to do with probably. Yeah, but her parents are very married They're married. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I don't know I just think it's I don't know is it when I see situations like that because she did grow up in a household where her Parents were married a lot of times. We just kind of go along with the man says it's just easier because if anything else is gonna Run you crazy. I't that messed up though? I don't think that's true with her though, but I do think that does happen a lot.

I mean it depends on if she's truly okay with it and only she can answer that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So okay now... Julie come in! We're bringing in Julie. Julie Gerlock. No, I think you are onto something, Chanel. So maybe the reason why I don't want to have a relationship or get married is because I saw my parents kind of just always kind of...

They're still together 52 years and I just always remember them fighting. And they still just stuck together. I was like, that's been my fear of being with someone that I'm not... You're never gonna have zero fighting though. Right. So you know, it's part of communication. Yeah, that's for sure. But that's his example of marriage. And so that's like ingrained in his brain. But it's up to you to create new memories. Right. To establish the type of relationship that you want. a lot of people, because they did see that,

they are, like for instance, I'll use myself as an example, not in terms of marriage, but just in terms of life. Grew up, my father raised me, but prior to me living with him, my mom had a boyfriend who was, he abused drugs, right? And so I watched that and he died from a drug overdose. And as a result of watching how he functioned around my mom, around me, and he was abusive, that was just, when I grew up, that was just something that I was not interested in. I've never smoked in my life. I

don't drink. And it's because of what I saw as a kid. I just didn't want to be like that. Right. So it's up to you to create those new experiences and memories. So we're not enslaved to the past. No, absolutely not. I think for you, I think I want you to see someone to explore this whole desire for the sex because that's not something that's going to go away overnight. Right. Like the average to do, you know, and I've heard some, some, some people that I know won't call any names talk about, you know, that particular, you know, thing experience or whatever, and

definitely need to kind of dive a little bit deeper to find out where that comes from. What's, what's your take on it? You don't have to, I'm not, I don't get offended. What do you think? I just think that as a kid, you know, you were, you know, you said you had sex with your teacher, right? And so as a, that's a lot like that's an overwhelming emotion to feel as a child. You understand? Think about your brain as a kid and having that experience. And then it's all, it's like a drug addiction.

You try it the first time and then you're chasing that same feeling, however it was, for the rest of your life. Yeah. And it's never the same. Just like drugs. Like heroin, yeah. So what's your take about masturbating? I'll have a take on that.

Hell yeah. She's like, I'm not related. All right, respect, respect. All right, respect. I mean, that's a take. Not having a take is a take. So I'm just trying to, what I'm trying to figure out is, okay, we got through the intimacy part. Now let's what am I what should I look for in a woman that like, if I'm on a first date,

what I'm not like what I don't even know how to date anymore. Like I don't like I don't go on dates. You know that friends have friends, right? What? It's just our friendship, a healthy friendship. Yeah. You talk to your counterpart there, y'all just shoot the breeze and talk about that.

And it just gels. It just fits. It just, you know, like you said, you just know. So when you meet this person, you guys gonna have similar goals, similar values. They're gonna be some things that you have in common, right? That's just gonna intrigue you, and you're gonna wanna know more about her, right?

And that's gonna stimulate the conversation, and then you're gonna go deeper, and then you're gonna wanna talk to her again. And it's not gonna be about sex, but it's about you just wanna be in her presence. I just wanna talk to you, I just wanna be around you. Yeah, I, yeah. I had this one, I know I'm want to be around you. Yeah. I, yeah. I had this, I had this one,

I know I'm just like, this is a podcast. You met anyone like that before? Yeah. Yeah, I did. And I got scared and ran away. So what? What? What were you scared of? That it was too perfect and I'm going back to my parents relationship and trauma as a kid and I ran away. So you saw it going into a direction of possibly being in a committed relationship that could potentially lead to marriage but then you were afraid of what the outcome would be once you cross that threshold. Yeah she's in a band I mean we relate really well and like we bond. I still think she's the love of my life. And I. Is she still around?

She got a boyfriend now. Oh my goodness. I fucked up, yeah I fucked up. Is she married? No, they live together now. Oh, okay. But then I ain't gonna encourage you to call up. No, no, no, no.

I'm not, I don't wanna do that, you know? I fucked up. Yeah, I don't know what to, but I would say use that as an example though. Yeah. You know what that feels like. You had that experience. Can we have more than one soulmate in our life? I think so.

Yeah, why not? I think so, and I think, you know, because what happens if your spouse or your partner dies? Yeah, right. You know, are you to be alone for the rest of your life? Absolutely not. Also, people just change. People do change. Yeah, people do change.

Absolutely. People grow, people change. So I just think it's all about God's timing and who he, you know, he who he has created in order for you to go. So let me let me let me talk about this. So when two people come together, right, let me, let me talk about this. So when two people come together, right, it's for something much greater than you. You guys come together, not just to have sex. It's for something that God has brought you two

together to do that's much larger than you. That's for, that's for the kingdom. And I don't know if you understand that language, right? And so the sex and all that other stuff, that's a byproduct of the relationship. That's not why you came together. That's why I say it's important for you to connect with someone where you have those similar goals and similar values and you can bond and relate because there is something that you guys have to do together that you just haven't discovered yet. Yeah, you are better together.

Right. That's what I mean. That's I see that. That's I see that. That's like me and Nick. Mm hmm. I mean, it doesn't have to just be a romantic relationship. It could be a partnership. Maybe I'm in love with you, Nick.

That's fine. You're not my person. Crazy. You get what I'm saying. I totally with you. We're with you. We're just joking around. But what's your take on? You get what I'm saying. We're with you.

We're with you. We're just joking around. Yeah. But what's your take on when a relationship is ready to have children? When it's ready. And that's the conversation that the two of you would have to have. And both people would need to be on the same page. You would also need to talk about how you raise your children because you may have been

raised differently. So you definitely don't want to bring children in the world if you guys are on don't agree on certain things. Yeah Okay, yeah That all goes back to compatibility as well. So these are questions that you ask Before you take it to the next level before you even consider having children, but let's just get on the same page with this. Yeah. Yeah What's your take on swingers? I don't have a take on I like her. I believe in monogamy So what about like poly relationships what's your take on that

So this is the thing people are using polygamy as an another way to date multiple people. That's what I'm talking about, too I think it's bullshit never a hot people either either is More to do with the economy, but I think it has to do with Your level of greed and not being disciplined with your body and wanting to be with multiple people Yeah, I mean I personally don't subscribe to it. Like I'm a, I'm a, I subscribe to monogamy ruin through, but that is, it's becoming a thing nowadays for sure. And I talk about it a lot on my show, but I do think it has everything to do with you just being greedy rather than just connecting with two other people because it's cheaper. Yeah. I think, hold on. People are going, their excuse to go poly is because it's cheaper.

You can just get a roommate. Yeah, like it's like, oh, he takes care of, you know, he takes care of the woman and you and you have this relationship with the, the two females have this relationship. I'm not sharing my man with anybody. I'm gonna clap to that respect. What if I'm having a bad day and I want to spend time with my man and he's like, Oh no, this was not absolutely nice. Not Shilas night tonight. Yeah, it's not Sheila's night. Also, it's like, I love you. How could that ever be equal?

It's like even when you have like three friends, it's not equal. You know what I mean? So like, there's just no could that ever be equal? It's like, even when you have like three friends, it's not equal, you know what I mean? So like, there's just no way that could be balanced a good relationship needs to be, right? Right, and you can't dictate how a person feels. That's the other part that's scary. Like you bring somebody into your relationship and what makes you think that that person

is still gonna remain loyal to you if this person is intriguing and they have all these other things and it's no guarantee, it's a risk. to remain loyal to you if this person is intriguing and they have all these other things and it's no guarantee it's a risk. Right. What about when is it time to uh call it off with somebody? Wow when you can't align with same goals same values when it becomes toxic yeah right when you guys are picking arguments and not getting along and become it's becoming abusive emotionally and verbally that is definitely or just a chore like I noticed that in my past breakups it's like just a chore to hang out with them you know what I mean yeah you don't look forward to it yeah yeah

you're not enjoying yourself anymore but let me ask you though is this within a marriage or is this within a relationship? Well, let's, I mean, that's what I want to talk to, like have the listeners hear this. Let's hear both sides. Like when do you, like a marriage and, and a, just a relationship. You can go by basic standard rules. I mean, we just not getting along anymore in a relationship. You don't want to take it further. You don't want to get into a marriage but I think in a marriage obviously you should you know before you call it quits you know you do everything that takes to sustain your marriage you know whether it's going to counseling have that communication talk to one another do the work but in a relationship you can kind of just free to do what you want to do honestly.

Yeah. What's your take about celibacy? I think it's great. I think it keeps you focused. I have, I have been celibate. I have abstained. I would say I did an eight year, what I call an eight year stent and I'm on a four year stent now. Yeah. And it helps you to make better decisions. It helped me to be more clear minded. Right. So not connect wrong people. Right. So are you in a relationship now? No, I'm single. You're single. So celibacy, can you still date people while being celibate? It depends on the two people on the same page. I'm going to be honest with you. Me personally, absolutely not. I can't. Yeah. Right. I'm just being honest, you know, you gotta be,

you gotta know you, you gotta know your body, you gotta know these things. So that's why it's important to act with like-minded people. Cause right. If you, if I'm celibate and you not celibate, then how is that going to work? Yeah. A lot of, a lot of being off. Don't wonder if she's getting so much work done. Don't wonder if she's getting so much work done. She's celibate. She's not dating. No, definitely way more productive. Way more productive. Absolutely way more focused. I don't have the distractions.

Some man in your house. But there'll come a season where that time will be up and then my focus will divert to managing and maintaining a relationship for sure. But I would have picked good too. So that's the important thing, right? Is picking the right person who has similar goals and values So not somebody who's going to pressure me into having sex, you know, but we're on the same page with some things, right? What do you think is like the biggest mistake people make when they're dating like when they choose a partner?

The biggest mistake is trying to change a person. You cannot change a person. You gotta accept them for who they are. You gotta take it. If they show you who they are, what's that saying? Believe them. Yeah. Believe them. You're not gonna change them. Absolutely not. Yeah. But what's the difference between changing and growing? Well, it's a decision, right? It's a decision like, you know, you make a decision and you do the work, right? Some people change like temporarily just to appease you, but then they grow to resent you. Right. But then a lot of times growth comes through pain.

You have to literally go through an experience and through that experience you grow because you're like, I don't ever want to go through that again Yeah, like it was just painful and so you learn from that Is that why you went celibate first because you're you got heartbroken or hurt or yeah? Well, I just make I mean my whole platform is built on my inability to have healthy relationships making bad decisions, right? Living vicariously through other people through other connections and not seeing my own self-worth. Right. Yeah. That's, I think that's what was triggering me to not find someone.

I was like, and I was toying with the idea of going celibate because ill folk, don't even fucking laugh. Don't even laugh. You can't, can't you do, are you, you can do it if you're disciplined enough. Yeah, I think I can be but I'll put yourself in an environment where people are trying to influence you to do something that your yeah intentional I'm doing this guy's laughing his ass. You're too hot to be celibate man You don't think you can do it. You should you should you should do it. He doesn't think you have the ability

Yeah, Nick. I'll prove you wrong. Go ahead No, but I like a risk. I like a, my question is like, what are you doing it for? You know? Yeah. That's the question. You gotta ask yourself.

If you wanna get to know yourself better. Yeah. I can tell you that as long as I was out there, right, connecting with the wrong person, having sex with the wrong, I didn't know myself. It wasn't until I stopped that behavior that I got to know who Chanel really was.

Right. Right. Distractions were removed and I could see more clear and I could hear more clear and I was more successful. I was way more successful. Yeah. Like way more. They would have accomplished more for sure. Yeah. That's why I stopped doing as much cocaine

and then I got successful pretty crazy It's the same part of your brain. I feel like what? dopamine receptors, you know, yeah You know what I don't With the cocaine is that is that an addiction or is that just something you did for pleasure just for pleasure? I wasn't addicted to it. No Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think I'm more addicted to um cigarettes. That's a thing that's my addiction is cigarettes. Really? But... Okay. I could stop. Yeah. If I... I could stop. So let me ask you this. Why would you... Why... What... What would make you

do that in the first place? I think socially. being in the bars or after shows like I'm just surrounded by drugs you know and in rock and roll it's just I uh and some of the people in my band it's it's taking it's taking them a hard time to get rid of it so it's like sure we're a product of our environment we're a product of our environment that's why it's of our environment. And that's why it's like, I'm more, when I say like, I'm a more, I'm more addicted to the dopamine of like getting that rush on stage. Like I'm addicted to that feeling when you get off stage and like have this like, you splurged, you purged all your feelings out on the stage and, and sweaty and, sweaty and same singing the songs that you believe in. And I get off stage.

That's your purpose though. That's it. That's where your focus needs to be. All that energy that you putting into all these unhealthy things, you need to take that same energy and put it into your purpose. Cause that, that's it right there. That's the space that you're supposed to be in.

And that's what I, that was And that's what I'm telling, was saying in the beginning, it's like I put, when I say I'm too busy, all my focus is on my purpose. That's what makes people think I'm selfish. Okay. And that's what I was, this is like the kind of the back and forth

I have in my head of not fully committing to a relationship because like you said, like all my focus is on my purpose and it's always been like that my whole life. So I'm like kind of like in I'm in my own I'm fighting a battle in my own head about conforming. Yeah, but I feel like you feel in terms of my purpose. that's why it's so important to connect with someone who can support that right yeah so if you hear you numbers 818 903 you're that right lady oh man that's what you want people from the internet Yeah, it'd be over the other. Do you think we're idiots? No, absolutely not. I think you guys are real people. Thanks, that's the first time I've been told that.

You know, it's like, it's hard, and it's not like, this is a very vulnerable moment for me because this is like, I don't, I talk about my, I talk about my life, but this is real personal stuff, you know, that I'm going to be putting out into the world. So it's like, you know, I think that's a step forward of like understanding your truth, right? It's being honest. Right, absolutely. Yeah. And going a little bit deeper though, going, because I'd like to talk about relationships,

but I think you need, I want you to talk to someone who can kind of help you go a little bit deeper about the childhood trauma. Yeah. You know, and then then the sex the piece about sex You think if I if I figure those out I could have a healthy relationship I think so absolutely I think you can have the discipline that it takes to sustain a healthy Talk about the discipline yeah talk about we tell us

You have the rest. it's about practicing restraint. You might want something, but you know it's not good for you. So, if you know that, then you have to practice restraint in that moment, because you know the repercussions of what it could do. Like, and it's an enemy to your goals. So if you said, I'm setting out to do this,

and then this is over here pulling you, you already know that that goes against everything that you're trying to get done. Right. So you that moment, you have to practice a level of restraint and it takes mental strength to be able to not do it. Wow. I'm learning a lot about myself. You're a genius. You are brilliant, brilliant woman. Listen, I'm trying. I'm trying. We're all trying. Listen, I'm trying. I'm like, I'm trying.

I'm really trying. You know what it is too? It's like we forget to give ourselves grace that it's our first time living too. Maybe this after maybe we've lived a bunch, but in this present dimension, this is our first time that we're living and we should give ourselves grace when we fuck up. Yeah. that we're living and we should give ourselves grace when we fuck up. Yeah, and I think, I really think the fact that you can acknowledge the things that you've acknowledged on this podcast tonight

lets me know that you want to change. You just try to figure out how. Yeah, I'm just trying to. It's like the how, how do I do that? Yeah, that's, I think that's the reason why Nick brought you on our show, because he just said. Yeah, it's like, you're not like, oh, I'm cool. I'm cool. It's cool. I'm cool with it. You're not doing that.

No, you know, those are the people who are not when you hear someone, you ignore when somebody bring it to your attention and you like, you don't see anything wrong with it when you can't make them. Right. It's like an alcoholic night. Yeah. It's like you're acknowledging that. Yeah, I got this going on. I was trying to figure out how to overcome it. Right. Sure. No one else can change you.

You got to change yourself, type B. And you got to want it. You got to really want it and then you got to put in the work to be able to make the change. Like I said, with me, you know, making bad decisions, connecting with the wrong people, I had to say no more. As much as I want to go out and have fun and, you know, had, look, like you had the one night stand, I'm just kidding you

got to be like no not gonna do that totally and I've been more restrain full about yeah like women coming on to me I say you've been better in the last year or two yeah it's a good-looking dude yeah so you already know that yeah unfortunately he's a good looking dude. He's a good looking dude. So you already know that. Yeah. Unfortunately, he's a good looking guy. Why you slam up like that? He's like, it hurts you to take a compliment? I'm not good with compliments.

That's not true. Actually, tell me again, tell me again how good you are. I'm not good with compliments. You can't say it. Yeah. I'm still that fucking third grade kid who got his heart stomped on. You're not. I know.

I never had that trauma because I was scared of girls. Yeah, you're right. You're right. They can't traumatize you if you're scared of them. Yeah, I mean, I used to have the thing where because guys, I'm six foot one, right? With no shoes on whoa Oh, yeah, because of that and I've been this height since I was 15 years old so I was in high school You know I'm growing into my body

And so I experienced a tremendous amount of rejection too because I'm taller than everybody Right and then I changed dramatically when I went to college. Cause now I'm going to school with guys who were like six, six, six, nine, six, seven. But I still had to deal with the trauma that I experienced as a teenager. That still played me even though I was being other men were being attracted to me, you know, when I'm at school. So it takes work. How long did it take you to figure that out? A long time.

Yeah. I ain't even take you to figure that out? A long time. I ain't even gonna lie to you. Yeah. It's a good thing. Hell yeah. My best friend's like that. She was, she's six months a day. She's like six and two.

But you know what? The thing is that back then, people weren't talking like we're talking now. Like you didn't hear about purpose, you didn't hear about destiny, you didn't hear about vision. You didn't know what it means to know your worth and how to practically do these things So now that we have these platforms where we can talk about it

Then the information is more available to us to be able to make those changes if I had someone telling me You know some of what I'm sharing with you guys tonight Things may have turned out differently for me a lot sooner really mm-hmm Oh, man, you are… Timing is everything. And you've come at the perfect time in my life, Chanel. That game. I can't… Because this is the first time I'm like really open.

Like you said, I'm really open to change. And like I'm really focused on just, you know, figuring out the cobwebs and the demons in me that I could, you know… They're never going to go away. We just got to be comfortable with them well now just think about this what drives the behavior like you got to be really honest with yourself like why do I respond this way why do I act this way right what is it that is causing me to be this way what is it deep down inside I got to acknowledge that and then deal

with right that and then deal with it. Right. Perfect. That was heavy. That was a meal. You're a meal. You are a meal, Chanel. That was heavy. And I'm like, I'm just thankful you took the time to I know we didn't really talk about your show and whatnot. So thank you for taking the time. I think this is a very good representation of. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you want to? Yeah, no, it's what I do. I don't want to talk, I mean, y'all want to talk about the show, I'll talk about the show, but this is what I enjoy doing, just having conversation about relationships.

Yeah, best promotion for the show you could have, I think. Well, tell us where, tell our fans where they could find your show. They can find Relationships Matter. You can find it on YouTube. You can also find it on In the Black Network. Great. Well, go check out Chanel.

And that's Relationships Matter Live, yeah. Thank you so much for being on the show. I really felt like I needed, it was a virtual hug. Yeah. Why sure hope so. I could come back in six months. I was honest, I saw this thing on the schedule for a long time and I was scared shitless.

Yeah. But look, give you the courage and the strength. If you can do it in front of all the millions of people that are going to watch this podcast, then you can go and do it in front of an audience of one and let that person know what it is that's really bugging you and how to overcome it. I love you. Thank you. Oh, God. I'll bleep her name out. Don't worry. All right. Thank you guys. Thank you, Chanel. And I like to end the podcast with a question.

What do you want to be remembered by? Wow. I want to be remembered by my mission, right? And that is to empower other people, right? To not be plagued by toxic and negative relationships, but to really tap into your purpose and know who you are. Well, you're doing it. You're just, you're doing it. Thanks for doing it with us. Have a great day and stay blessed. You too. Thank you.

You're a good one. Bye. You've just tuned into the World Saving Podcast with Andy Frasco. Produced by Andy Frasco, Joe Angelhowe, and Chris Lorenz. please help us save the world by subscribing and rating the show on volume.com, Apple, Spotify, or wherever you're listening so we can spread the word and save the world. Follow us on Instagram at world saving podcasts for updates for tour dates, merch, and whatever crazy special event Andy thinks of next. Check out andyfrrasco.com.

Special thanks to this week's guest, courtesy of our talent booker, Mara Davis, That's Me, or Andy's other mother. Be your best and we'll talk to you next week for another great episode of the World Saving Podcast.