Kill James Bond! - A Mind on Salami | Below Deck Sailing Yacht S4 E3

Episode Date: April 26, 2023

Dylan and Pat are back to break down stains, bread bag twists, wizards, wounds, salami, runner up to the first season of American Idol Justin Guarini and much more from Bravo's Below Deck. Uncensored content and exclusive shows including Vanderpump Rules at Patreon.com/AnotherPodcastNetwork

All right. Did you watch the show? Yes. Why don't you wing it? Who's going to be guests on the boat? The guest, what does she do? I mean... You know what? I don't even remember her. What I remember most is that scene in the Facebook group.

There's some guy that like, he did on American Idol or something. Yeah, Justin Guarini. Justin Guarini. Hello? Yeah, yeah. No, we're still here. All right, Kevin. Hello? Yeah, yeah, no, we're still here. All right, Kevin.

Welcome aboard another brand spanking new episode of another Below Deck Podcast. My name is Dylan. I'm saddled up next to one, Patrick Hickey. Great to be here. Permission to come aboard. Granted, we are missing our producer, Kalen, this evening. Why are we missing our producer kalen this evening down with the plague he got covid man yeah yeah little c you often call it the big c the big c's cancer he has the now the big c's chlamydia man no no no no the big c which is i think what was who who who starred in the big c was it uh laura it was a showtime original. Oh, is this about Mormons living out in Sylmar?

No, that's Big Love, and I don't think they were in Sylmar. It was not Sylmar. I don't know. So, Kalen is not with us tonight because we need not get the little C. Right. You know what I mean and also i'm very

worried about that young man because he has such a shitty body i don't mean like aesthetic wise i mean like his organs are bad he's like he's almost died like eight times yeah definitely twice that i know yeah yeah i feel bad you know if you don't have your health, Dylan, you don't have anything. Yeah, really. A guy asked me the other day, he goes, how you doing? And I said, well, I'm above ground. And he laughed maniacally. Found that very funny.

But it's something I've thought quite a bit lately. Yeah. You have like, would you say you're good at small talk? I don't think you're very good at small talk. You don't think I'm good at small talk? I don't think you are. You're very good at small. You don't think I'm good at small talk. No, like it works on people,

but just because they're soft targets. I don't, I don't think you have very good small talk. Oh, I, no, I think I'm pretty good. I can talk to be above ground.

Like what the fuck? What are we in the Truman show? Who talks like that? Oh my God. Um, really bummer news. I got today. Um,

my old roommate from New Orleans passed away. Absolutely insane. His name was Coach Charbonnet. The most lovely human being, big heart, fun guy, funny guy. His family was so sweet to me because I was i was uh his college roommate i i was a college roommate and i was one of those california kids that flew in and you know they they could have uh uh looked down their noses at me but they did not they welcomed me into their home and it's very very sad to hear that today so if you want to make any donations uh you know obviously you

don't know the person but if you'd like to do it for me and to help out a very, very good family, send donations to the New Orleans Center of Creative Arts and say in memory of Coates. Was he an artist? We were all in the music business department. He was in love with music. So yeah, anyways, rest in power, brother. There's no good way to transition out of that,

but Kalen's horrific organs made me think of how fragile life is. It's very fragile. Extremely fragile. Almost as fragile as the engine of Parsifal, which, for all intents and purposes, I believe, is held together by styrofoam and Gorilla Glue. I mean, the thing looks MacGrubered. I don't know how many episodes we're going to get before the smoke.

Can I just get into this? Yeah. All right. I'm losing respect. Public service announcements. Vanderpump rules with my sister, my baby sister, Ruby, at Patreon.com. Lots of fun stuff over there. Also, another podcast show over there.

And what else do we have behind that paywall? Got something else behind there pmz uncensored episodes that's right okay so uh we're coaching kaylin up on posting the episodes right now it's very tricky to post an uncensored ad free ad full so we're trying to kind of reel our tongues back but once kaylin is abreast of all the processes we'll let it it fly again. You'll hear some bleeps. Oh, yeah. And you'll wonder. Alright, first off, I want to say it was a decent episode. Decent is the right word. Decent. So I'm just, right out of the gate, I'm going to give it 40 knots, okay?

Yeah. But some things were problematic. I want to talk to Peyton at Bravo. Peyton, I need to talk to Glenn. I need to talk to Glenn because I'm losing respect for the man by the minute. He's got his mind elsewhere. Well, his mind is on salami. It's on goddamn salami.

It's on salami. Once he started selling salami, he's not looking after the boat anymore. There's a lot of screw-ups here. I want to talk about a little thing called a workaround and what a workaround is because I'm in the service industry, Dylan. A workaround is essentially a band-aid. It's a quick fix to give you a short window of time to then resolve the bigger issue, especially if you plan on welcoming and paying customers. I'm a little confused. What's an example of a workaround? A workaround is a spare tire, Dylan. Oh, got it. It's putting a spare tire. Oh, I got a good

example. When you fold up a napkin and you put it under one of the wobbly legs there you go work around yeah now or you can go to uh your local hardware store and buy one of those little stoppers and screw it into the and then the tables oh yeah that's a good one uh but that's not a workaround that's a solution oh right so like what you know we talked about that young man in blackhawk down the other day uh a tourniquet is a workaround it's a workaround you gotta fix it eventually go in for surgery right right so yeah yeah so glenn uh again you're selling too much salami here sir yeah uh imagine this they're like this the charter season is saved no it's not it's a workaround right right well imagine if you're out there and there's some big swells.

You've got a paying family on there. Sure. And then the effing engine doesn't start up. And next thing you know, you're fucking floating out in the middle of the ocean like those six goddamn fishermen that died in the perfect storm. And their wives never saw them again. Ever. Glenn, please. Peyton, Peyton, I know you want to talk to Captain Glenn.

Sorry, I got you. Yeah, no, I understand your ire, and I'd give it damn near 40 pots as well. It was just one of those episodes. We're still in the throes of this workaround, and we do need to give the Sea Dog his props tonight, but we've talked about the Discovery Channel content on this show sometimes. We don't need to know about the uh the mechanisms and the what's it screws and halves use with the

engine but getting back to that war crowd thing you know if you just had like a restaurant and all the tables had fallen apart and they were all sat up on napkins that would be the kind of um behavioral pattern of an owner that would be the kind of behavioral pattern of an owner that would get the G-man called on them. Gordon Ramsay would show up and he'd start slaying criticism. And even John Taffer would show up. He would start screaming about how this is indicative of a cancerous mindset. Now imagine being out at sea, big swells, three storms meeting at once.

What happens? The engine doesn't start. Everyone's fucking dead. These people are crazy. Hey, Dylan, some housekeeping, some housekeeping. All right. Only because they mentioned the previous charter guests on this episode and how much they weren't fans of some of them. I have spoken with Karen, the Karen on the boat, the one that cried, was upset, said it's the worst vacation. You're not using, what do they call them, zillennials? No. Her name's actually Karen.

Captain Glenn had pointed that out. He's like, hey, he was making small talk. He was like, hey, is it weird being your name Karen now with all that stuff? Still on salami. Right. Because he doesn't do that if he's not on salami. Exactly. His mind's on salami.

So we spoke briefly. She wanted to clear up a couple things that I don't mind doing it for. She's catching a lot of hate online. One thing you need to know is that was not her bedroom that uh looked like a fucking coyote bled out on the bed yeah they were those were not her feces uh that was and there's always one of these in the group apparently there was a friend of a friend that knew nobody else and that friend is the one that was the room that they just kept editing and going to right so, right, right. So she wanted to protect that. Lights, brights, mics, tears, and fears.

Yeah, the other thing is, I don't know what's more embarrassing, having a dirty room or taking a loan out to go on a yacht vacation. Well, yeah, I was going to leave that. My God, don't. The other part is Karen. Don't go on the vacation. Karen hadn't been on a vacation in like seven years. Some personal stuff going on.

She finally gets to go on a vacation. And you guys can imagine, it's expensive. You put a lot of money into it, and then the boat never leaves the dock. All of us would have been pissed. So I just want to put that out there for Karen and do a little housekeeping for her. Yeah, you seem simpatico with Karen. Well, I just thought that everyone should... Karen's probably got bad small talk too.

Well, I just think everybody should get their money back if they're paying for a luxury yacht experience. And then instead you stay on a fucking Ramada. You know what? You got to leave the boat then. You know, it's like, I don't want to bore our 97% female audience,

but you know, if you play around a golf and you come back on the 17th or 18th hole and you go, Hey, it was really bad out there. I'd like my money back. It's a tougher thing. Right. And coming off the first team going, going hey i'm not going to do this i need my money back you got to go find a hotel then then deal with it care well they still they were dangling the carrot that maybe tomorrow it might start that's what i'm saying well i forget

the episode did he come right out and say we're not leaving for a couple days you're not he didn't there was a carrot dangled okay there was a carrot dangled. Okay. There was a carrot dangled. Glenn, you're my favorite captain. I don't want to lose that with you, but you're showcasing some poor, poor management style. All right, well, let's get into it. We begin with the ball of snakes beginning to separate. Their genitals have uncupped a little bit.

They've kind of rescinded back into their scale like sheaths but alex and daisy are still kind of um smoochy smooching yeah smoochy smooching until daisy uh has this kind of um you know epiphany like a ben franklin kind of epiphany where she just pulls back and she's like oh this is a massive mistake yeah i have to get out of here as soon as I can. She had clarity. Yeah. Yeah. So we pick up with a night of bad decisions and the only way that a night can end, which is someone's face in the toilet, someone plowing through 5,000 calories of hummus and someone using Captain Glenn's face as a drink holder. Yeah. So I want to talk about Captain Glenn.

You know, he derives pleasure in other things in life. We've talked about it at Nauseam. And nothing has been, no charges if stuck. But to be a dignified, I don't want to say a 50-year-old man. I'm 50, 60. He's probably in his 60s. Dignified man.

We love Captain Glenn, but I don't know how you could tolerate sea rats putting Nalgeneene's on your face at 3 30 in the morning and by the way it happens every season think about a roommate in college that you said uh you shared the same dorm room with yeah think it's not just uh your face being used as a drink holder it's the smell of ciggies oh yeah the vodka rightinking up the room. It's all the noises, gross noises that come out of someone that just had a full cheese dinner and then a bunch of fucking booze. The flatulence. It's gross.

Yeah. And I think you're questioning what I would be questioning is, I don't think there's any amount of money you could pay me to be 60 years old and living in a college dorm room with a bunch of drunks. Well, that's not true. Well, you only have so much time on the planet. I mean, if he's 60, I don't know what his health issues are, but say he's got 20 left.

Do you want to do 10 more sleeping, sharing a room with a 24-year-old drunk? Well, if I gave you $50 billion, I bet you'd do it. But you still got to, I don't know, man. I mean, $50 billion is kind of a lot of money. Well, I was talking about this the other day. Would you want that much money? No. I'm happy how I live right now.

You've got to figure out what to do with it. Obviously, I'd give it to Bengal tiger conservation or some kind of animal cause because I care not for human beings that much. All right. Sure. We we got to get back. Yeah, yeah. Want to cut to the next morning? Can we really quickly talk about the episode title?

I think it's a good time. What was it? I forgot. Well, the next morning, we get a text. The King is back. Oh. Episode title. Hey, Bravo, can we take it easy?

I mean, you call him Gary the King. I want to say this about Gary, because we just finished up, was it Captain Lee's, the OG below deck, that had a bosun named Ross on there. Now, Ross and Gary engage in the same manipulative, womanizing sex addiction behavior. Yes, but I take umbrage with that because Ross is much more eyes wide shut. It's much more Kebirkian. There's many more.

I said that flawlessly. There are many more masks, many more warehouses. You know, Gary is just your good old-fashioned coxswain. I mean, it's toxic masculinity. is, you know, Gary is just your good old-fashioned cockspin. I mean, it's toxic masculinity. And he did not have a good showing tonight, him stomping around on those inflatable docks and whatnot.

Well, yeah. Oh, that's a fun part of the show. I forgot that in my thoughts and knots. Yeah. A little drama with Chase there. I don't think he has much time left on this boat. He's got plenty, and we really buried the lead. American Idol season one runner-up Justin Guarini from Justin to Kelly.

Fame was on the show to no pomp, no circumstance whatsoever. Here's the interesting thing about generations and just the gap of 10 or 15 years. I'd say everybody knew who his name was if you were 14 years old in 2002. I don't think mads or lucky have any fucking clue who this guy is good point i don't think they have any idea no clue is yeah

yeah yeah because i remember in the bieber right right right no i remember vividly being in the top bunk of uh my divorced father's apartment, gazing down at the final stages of the first contest of America's most talented undiscovered singer. And many thought Justin should have won. Although not really, because Kelly was just a star from the jump. But I really do feel like we should have gotten a little, hey, this is Justin Guarini. During the show.

You know, I'll tell you, something sad about this, and this is how the business works. It chews you up and spits you out. So she goes on to win and then have a bunch of hit songs and go on to J Records. Because of you?

Is that her song? One. That was, yeah. I thought it was called this moment for a moment like that i forget she sang it when she won justin guarimi still got a record deal yeah and then he got dropped six months later wow and then what would come after that well i gotta say he's a handsome motherfucker yeah he yeah he looks great looked So anyways, you were saying about Gary. Oh, well, yeah, Gary's fresh out of quarantine.

Oh, well, I was basically saying like— Did you already say it? Yeah, basically. You already said it. He's a womanizer, and he hurts women's feelings too because he plays with their emotions, very much like Ross. But Gary is far more likable, and what it is is it's a compliment to what charisma and being very good at your job can kind of smooth over the rough edges. Right, right, right.

Hey, listen. Him and Ross are both damn good at their jobs. Damn straight. So, yes, they have finally listened to the guy. He was like, I'm never going to get out of this room if we don't start cycling these pillows out. The pillows are the issue. These things need to be sterilized so that I can get back to the boat. Finally, they were.

Finally, he beat the thing. Now, he comes back to scenes of a fiesta mist. And once again, Glenn, you're already living with people who are stabbing you in the face with hydro flasks in the middle of the night. And then you got to wake up and these sea rats have just torn this fucking place a new butthole. I mean, it's absolutely disgusting. They have no respect. No respect. There's plasma and venom and blood and cum all over the place in the form of empty cig cartons and bottles of

VOOV and OJ. I mean, it's disgusting. Well, I mean, to say that Glenn took it well, he actually points out once he heard that the jacuzzi party and that ball of snakes came out, he makes a little joke about there being jizz in the jacuzzi. Yeah. Glenn. Yeah. Please, sir. Leave the low hanging fruit to hacky podcasters. Right.

That kind of. Right. Come on. Better than that. Hey, he's on salami. That's the problem. So when the king walks back into the boat. Oh, we got to take an ad break.

Oh, yeah. Let's take a break. Yeah. Really quickly. We want to talk about an ad real quick. Hey, Pat. Yeah. You know what's really important?

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Hey, Dil, this is something that I think a call to action is really appropriate here because it doesn't cost anything. They just want you to download this app. Hey, people, some of you cheapos out there that haven't been able to support us with some of the other sponsors, this seems like a no-brainer. This is free. If you're like us and you want to get fit mentally in the new year with your mind and your body, mentally and physically, download Word Collect for free today. Just go do it.

Try it out. What is the worst that can happen? You have a little fun with a word game? Much better than the TikTokies. Much better than the TikTokies. And, Pat, how many levels are there? 2,000, which is a lot of levels. And I think this is even cooler because if you're like bored, you're at the DMV, say you're waiting for your husband or wife to wrap up some shopping, whatever the hell they're doing, why are you scrolling on Instagram looking for how

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The game is great. Download the game. Get smarter with Word. Collect. So when the king returns, Captain Glenn says he is my right hand. With word, collect. So when the king returns, Captain Glenn says, he is my right hand. He's a big fan of Game of Thrones.

Well, also, don't put that evil on him. I mean, the things that hand has done. You know how many fathers have cried because of that right hand? Not Gary. And we go around, we see the wreckage of the evening before. Many of it kind of like a memento kind of map on the skin of the sea rats. I mean, Daisy looks like she got into a street fight the night before. And not so lucky.

Lucy, there's clumsiness, and then there is a Final Destination kind of clumsiness. She has the latter. Did you see that scar on her back? It looked like she had back surgery. It looked like, I said, it looked like she was abducted by something. I mean, it's just wild stuff. I think it's interesting, though,

because, you know, Daisy, she's a professional drunken sea rat. Right. She has quite the... Love you, Daisy. She has quite the pedigree. I mean, to her, these sea rats are amateurs.

I mean, they're falling down, they're putting drinks on Captain Glenn's head. Yeah. Come on, get it together, sea rats. Get it together, sea rats. Gary and the sea dog reunite. That's a beautiful thing to see. Oh, yes. And. Come on, get it together, Sea Rats. Get it together, Sea Rats. Gary and the Sea Dog reunite. That's a beautiful thing to see.

Oh, yes. And I got to say, you know, these core four have cemented themselves in camaraderie unlike anything we've seen on this show's 120 season run. I mean, it's just unbelievable. It's interesting that they did such a, sorry to reflect back to season one, which you remember the bosun was a guy named pageant and he had a girlfriend named Sierra.

Yeah. And then the love entanglement was with a stew named Georgia. That's right. And then they cleaned house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Georgia sang the same song over and over and over again. over and over and over again. So yes, mea culpa. In two seasons,

they have cemented themselves in this camaraderie because we've had stars before. We've had Adrian. Like my meat. We've had the great Kate Justine. Look at it. But we've never had family like this. Yeah.

And it's really beautiful. Thick as thieves. I bet they got the same agent at ICM too. Hey i do a meanwhile absolutely meanwhile gary's quick to get in the mix here you know he surveys the the landscape there and uh he's trying to figure out whose handprints are going to be uh grace that uh guest cabin window you know what i mean yeah yeah yeah pounding away there so are you saying sorry i smoked little pot, so I tuned out a little bit. That's okay. And then I was also looking through my notes, and I've already said so many of these things in the pot,

and then you're talking, so I kind of. Understood. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally. Were you talking about how Gary is talking to the two guys who have already hooked up with people? Well, he's trying to figure out, you know, he does his little song and dance with Mads and then Lockheese, and he goes and visits Daisy.

And when he goes and visits Daisy, I'm like, Garrett, you've been here before, brother. I know that you're jazzed to be here, but you've got to let people have their toast. I mean, they're going to vomit everywhere with your kind of energy this early in the morning. I mean, they drank a case of champagne the night before. morning i mean they drank a case of champagne the night before um so i guess we've got colin saving the day oh it's uh yeah i mean this is this is the the discovery channel kind of stuff the testing i was talking about the rpms and the heats and the knots and at the end of the knots and the rpms and the exhaust leaks and whatnot the engine works the knots and the RPMs and the exhaust leaks and whatnot, the engine works, the workaround we spoke about. You're not supposed to drive on a spare tire for three months.

What do we need to pay this man, Colin? Because whatever it is, it needs to be more. Now, that was not well said, but this man is a gossipy bitch. He provides so much drama, sucking down cigs, putting the shades back on after the grenade's been thrown. He fixes things that a horde of Sardinian Union electricians or mechanics could not fix in two weeks, in one day. I mean, the guy is this, I mean, dare I say,

I mean, he's a sea dog, but he might be a sea wizard. I mean, the guy is this i mean dare i say i mean when he's a sea dog but he might be a sea wizard i mean the guy pulls off magical stuff i'm glad you mentioned wizard because i was going to say obi-wan kenobi who ultimately uh fulfilled his destiny when darth vader took him out in episode four yeah uh with colin you know i never understood that what you're gonna make me a force ghost? That's not fulfilling my destiny. Do I even get to eat cereal as a force ghost? You probably get no cereal at all as a force ghost.

Not even a Pop-Tart. But why did he just like, he like, harikar-ed himself? Like, what kind of victory was that? Well, he did that to distract so that Han Solo Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia

and Chewbacca R2-D2 and 3 CPO could get to the Millennium Falcon and escape that Death Star oh okay it was like a distraction oh it was a distraction

but it was like this thing where he was like haha I got you Luke run that's what he told him yeah well anyway Colin's

not a force ghost but he's fulfilling his destiny and how he will absolutely ultimately fulfill it and I think we're going to see it happen this season is you've named all the wonderful things that Colin has done for this franchise his final and last act

will be hooking up with I believe Ilana there's a little chemistry there when he was cutting potatoes in that fucking galley that's my prediction i think you have a very bad radar for this you know for this well i'm the one who did tell everyone three weeks out that that netflix special with love is blind wasn't going to work out didn't i kind of an oracle a psychic yeah in the same way that like if someone had like lesions all over them you could look at them and go i don't think that person's very healthy my god what a soothsayer fair enough no but what are you saying about him

he's going to turn into a he's going to hook up with the chef and turn into a forest ghost what are you talking about i'm saying that he's going to meet his full destiny he's done everything on the boat to be entertaining except uh involve himself in the sexual uh bad behavior of sea rats right right right it's time to be that person. Well, he's going to hook up with Daisy. I don't know why you've been thrown so much. Daisy, get out of here with Daisy.

It's literally on camera. It is? Yes. None of the promotional efforts of Bravo took at all in you. Maybe I don't want to see it. I think. Maybe I'm being gaslit mom i'm pretty sure that that

was a scene there so gary's got a little mutiny brewing on his hands here it's important to show these two little sea rats what is what so uh you know number one chase thinks he can show this guy how to tie a knot no no no no no i'm go up, correct him in front of his compadre. That'll be embarrassing. Then I'll pull the other compadre over and I will demean the kinds of boats that he worked on. Sun seekers.

Little dinghy type thing. Yes. Gary's really marking his territory here in a rather... I don't know. Inferiority complex kind of way. I expected more from Gare Bear tonight. It's the first time we're seeing it.

You know, these people are getting a little too comfortable in their position there. Yeah. Hey, let me call Kalen, see if he's prepped to do the preference sheet. Oh, yeah. Oh, were you planning on doing this? No, I just thought of it.

You know, it's going to be really bad, bad quality when he talks into the mic like that. Yeah. Hey, Kalen, can you do the preference sheet meeting? What? The preference sheet meeting. It's your job. But I didn't come in today.

Well, yeah, I know, but it's... I mean, this is the problem with kids like this. I didn't come in today. I didn't do it because I wasn't coming in today, so I didn't think that I needed to do it. All right. Did you watch the show? Yes.

Why don't you wing it? Who's going to be guests on the boat? The guest, what does she do? I don't even remember her. What I remember most is that scene in the Facebook group. There's some guy that you did on American Idol or something. Yeah, Justin Guarini. Justin Guarini.

Caitlin. Hello? Yeah, yeah. No, we're stillini. Justin Guarini. Caitlin. Hello? Yeah, yeah, no, we're still here. All right, Kate, get better. All right, you feel better. How are you feeling? Okay. All right.

Well, we'll see you next week. All right. All right, bye. I hope that young man gets better. Sounds like he's on the mend. Yeah. Yeah. I hope that young man gets better.

Sounds like he's on the mend. Yeah. You know, I was concerned when you called him. I was like, what are you doing this for? And I couldn't be happier that that character is starting to work its way into the show. Kalen is too funny, man. Oh, man. All right, so do we need to get to the preference sheet? Oh, nah.

Powerful professionals, luxury real estate agents. Enjoying their prayer. Ariana and Kelly and Ashley and Justin motherfucking Greeny. Yeah, we already talked about it. All right, so Lucky gives her, and that was a preference sheet meeting. Listen, Kalen's not here. She's got the little C. Yeah.

Lucky gives her dad a ring. I don't know if this is one of those small sample size kind of opinions, but it would seem as though people in the UK are much more transparent with the, the, the parental transparency of their binge drink. Yes. You know what I mean?

She's an untalented drinker. Yeah. It's like, I feel like people in England get hammered in front of their parents a lot more than the U S although Los Angeles, you have to drive a lot. So there isn't a lot of that i would imagine in appalachia people are oh yeah all too keenly aware of their child's alcoholism because they're

an alcoholic as well and what are you gonna do about it apple doesn't fall far from the tree no no no but i like this character he's a straight shooter all the way who dad oh dad yeah yeah yeah yeah tells it tells it to cool it i like solid advice like that like cool it yeah he's a guy cool it you're a horrible drinker falling down you look like you have back surgery you're embarrassing yourself yeah you know cool it it's odd because that does that is solid advice but one could argue that it's a little too simple and um i'm sure i could come up with a quip that would say sometimes the simplest advice is uh the most meaningful you know you don't need all these

long-winded uhations on life advice. Like these homeless outreach programs and these housing budgets and stuff. I think we've got to call KB, Karen Bass, and we've got to tell her that she's got to get a cool-it task force out there. People like you need to just go up to these drug-addicted homeless people and just say, cool it. It's solid advice. So dumb.

All right, let's get to the charter. Daisy sits down with her stews because last charter didn't go too hot with the blood and the feces and the trash and the towels. We don't want to see another case of a dead caribou bleeding out in someone's bed. Yeah, I mean, big animal another case of a dead caribou bleeding out in someone's bed. Yeah. I mean, big animal. Size of a moose. More TP will solve that issue in the room.

Oh, and the TP folds. You know, we've noticed the care that goes into this kind of luxury vacation, but the tissue paper folds were unbelievable. Oh, beautiful. Seashells and whatnot it's those touches that uh really elevate this uh this experience to a solid three out of five you know what that's got to be that's got to be a first entry kind of perk after that we're not seashell on every roll of toilet paper you people go through right i mean that's insane

it's below deck imagine if someone had food poisoning, like, I need another roll. And then they bring it in, and they're like, well, it's kind of missing the clam. Right, right, right. Where's the clam? I'll hold. Fold the clam. So this is where I thought, I hope this isn't like, I like i don't know rude to say but did it not look like daisy got punched in the face yeah she had two marks on her on her eyes i couldn't tell if

that was sun damage or if she'd actually uh fallen down her taking a spill herself right right so uh meanwhile meanwhile gary's back in his favorite color mags has a bruise on her ass. Lucy is off champagne duty because of how clumsy she is. And Colin is wrapping up the engine with bread bag twists and a glue gun. So the countdown is on. Guarini is on board. And first up, food-wise,

salmon, cucumber, and feta, and watermelon. Amuse-bouche. Looks like... First Class Pan Am. What is the place in American Psycho? Dorsea? I forget.

It's been a while, man. Something like that. That's the place that everybody wants to get into yeah but they can't so he goes to like some cowboy place with jared leto and chops him in the head later of course uh but yeah the the the chef it's very tough to judge her tonight now these amuse-bouche are revolting but the food is not so great either but given the task put before her she pulls it off you know rather masterfully and it's cool as as cool as a cucumber um but not a great start for her i maybe i'm being too harsh hey don't know you got oh what i am being too harsh the burnt butter scallops that is a magnificent thing to send out welcome aboard obviously the tuna was not sent out because of the sinew i mean you you you see

it was just it was marbled with sinew absolutely. Shame on the provisioners. We then move on to sailing. Yeah, we will, but I want to talk about something that Glenn said. Glenn tells us that things have been going so poorly that something's got to give and something has to go right.

And apparently, Glenn does not understand probability or the laws of probability. I was going to say, that's like what people do at roulette. They're like, well, it's hit black five times, so we have to have the engine up and going. And that it is not a predictor of any future outcome. No.

It is no more or less likely that it will be a red time the next time that roulette reel spins around. Well, that's what happens when you get addicted to the bright lights of salami commercials. Your head gets all twisted upside down. Exactly. Glenn, you're killing too many prostitutes and your mind's fucking up in the stratosphere with all that fucking salami.

You're saying dumb things now. Right. Peyton, I want to talk to Glenn. Peyton. So, we sail. So we sail. Now, sailing is a very, very important feature of this show. It's one of the many things that makes this show the best iteration of Below Deck because of how hilarious the sailing is.

This is our first sail of the season, and while it's a timid one, we still have everything that makes sailing so special on this show. The wind. Those massive white sails. The power of nature propelling Parsifal through the waters. But more importantly, the knives flying everywhere the fire extinguishers falling off the walls barreling down hallways the glass breaking it's all so beautiful right i want to ask uh this. You know, we've discussed this every season, but who wants this?

Are we on a luxury yacht or on an amusement park ride? For God's sake. Jesus fucking Christ. All right. Yeah, it's like if what's that ship disaster movie with Kurt Russell? Poseidon. Poseidon. Poseidon. It's like if Universal Studios had a Poseidon ride

and it started off kind of, you know, not too bad. Like, oh, the jacuzzi just dumped half of its contents on my salmon thing. It's like this. I'm on the boat with Justin because we'd be fast friends. You know, I'm like, hey, Justin, have you tried the oysters? They're delicious. Next thing you fucking know, my Moscow mule flies on my hand,

and it fucking takes out Guarini's throat. He can't sing anymore. Yeah. It takes out whose throat? Guarini's, man. Next thing, he's upset. I'm out of a drink. Who wants this?

He's upset. I just took his throat out with a Moscow mule glass. He's upset about it. He's pissed. Yeah. took his throat out with a Moscow mule glass. He's upset about it. He's pissed. Lost his voice. Right. He'll never be able to make music that no one will listen to again. So we've got the guests.

Ah, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Of which question Gordorini is a part of, asking that the crew join them for the evening's meal. Now, it will not carry over into the next evening. Please let us have our vacation. But they have essentially doubled up the quantity of food that they are going to require, and this is dumped on Alicia?

Yep. Alicia's lap, and she's like, like oh you can't tell him no so i'll go ahead and begin making scratch made popper dell nuts stuff but first chase and gary the blood feud begins the sea bobs are filled with sand they were not washed out properly and they are filled with sand in front of the great justin guarini and gary is very floppy about this he's just flopping all over the place talking about sand and how this can't happen again and it's all very ridiculous it is i mean they got you through that first charter while you were suffering from a horrible And it's all very ridiculous. It is. I mean, they got you through that first charter while you were suffering from a horrible case of chlamydia.

I mean, you kind of owe them a couple days to kind of gather themselves and fall under your tutorage. Now, Colin aids in the kitchen. It's just insane to me that she attempted and pulled off scratch made pasta on a night like this with the the pasta roller that they had i mean did you see that yeah beautiful it's art no no i mean the actual pasta yeah yeah my grandmother had one it was fun we'd make pasta yeah but i'm sure there was an actual crank oh i didn't see that there wasn't a crank no there wasn't a crank it was this crude kind of Allen wrench thing that he needed to do like little quarter. Oh, wow.

What do you call them? What do you call them? Torques? No. Wrenches? Gyrations? What do you call them? Spinning?

Little tiny spinnies like that. I just don't understand understand we've romanticized fresh baked pasta or fresh made pasta way too much the dried stuff is fine just throw it in the fucking water um miraculously she knocks it out of the park ish uh it's family meal as family meal can be we've got snapper asparagus green tomato and burrata vegan lasagna popper dough with mussels and that low country boil with corn and purple potatoes. Now, the food looked absolutely revolting, but the good news is that everyone was fed.

And we have a beautiful moment where the help and the people that chartered the boat get to break bread with one another. And after a toast to memories we'll never forget and sea rats we'll never remember or whatever the toast was, Colin gives a toast himself. The sea wizard has another spell he can cast. And that is just beautiful, heartfelt sincerity. I mean mean you could really feel it from the guy oh yes well he says his own words he'd been working on these boats for 17 years never once

did a paying customer invite him to dinner and i would ask the question why would they yeah but it was a nice move on their part because if they end up being cheap with the tip or if there was some drunken poor behavior or someone did in fact bleed out like a caribou on the bed, no one's going to say shit. Yeah. Well, we wrap up the end of this episode pretty quickly. We've got the jacuzzi temperature not being done properly.

And then we get to the next day with a continued split screen, Michael Mann kind of dramatic scene where Chase is going around cleaning and Gary and Colin are talking shit about him. Now, obviously, Gary is, you know, he's a little, he's not really full gare here. He's all out of sorts. Maybe he's pissed off that he didn't get the salami commercial. Possibly.

I do want to paint the picture here because it's it's pretty hypocritical so captain glenn a little wink and nod to us and all the work we've done on the podcast of uh you know investigative work pretty much uh confident that he kills prostitutes yeah allegedly but not so much he talks to the guys about the importance of removing fingerprints right thank you a little wink and nod to another below deck podcast. Now, paying customers are on this boat and there is a quarter inch size mark of a fingerprint on a piece of metal that guests probably rarely would notice. You know what they do notice though, is two crew members smoking cigs right away. Right. So I just find that quite hypocritical. If we're going to ask the guests, what is a bigger turnoff, a quarter-inch fingerprint that you don't notice, or two people on the boat smoking cigs eight feet

from where you're drinking a fucking margarita? And also think of the patience that Glenn has to have. Because cleaning off a fingerprint on sterling silver is easy. You can see it. sterling silver is easy. You can see it. Try cleaning up the evidence that Glenn has had to clean up of his chromosomal prints. You've got stone. You've got masonry.

You've got wood. You have marble. I mean, you can't see what you've left behind. How about a rug, Matt? A rug. The diligence that this man has had to employ and to see chase mess up on sterling silver you know it's like the floor is covered in peanut butter that's how easy this stuff is to spot but um we end with chase being chastised he

he is obviously doing a fine job i think he's a hard worker the only thing is he goes into this register that is very um annoying well it's it's kind of like i i don't know andy griffith kind of like golly when i wake up before captain and he doesn't see me doing well, he's going to think I'm not doing well. It's like, Chase, you're fine. Take it easy, kid. All right, that's it for us. Jumping Actions, Ratings, Reviews. Five stars.

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