Another Below Deck Podcast - A Ring Forever | The Valley S2 E14

Episode Date: July 17, 2025

Dylan, Ruby and Pat are back to break down greek gods, tattoos, finances, stuffy noses, Iggy's freestyles and more from Bravo's The valley.Patreon.com/AnotherPodcastNetworkhttps://www.youtube.com/@anotherbelowdeckpodcast_

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Oh my god, I'm so sorry. It's just, there's a lot of work to do. Little steampunk is just sitting there just lovingly staring at his wife's lovely tit that has just fed all of his children. Yeah. And then Rafi, Rafi, Safi, Snake, fuck, cunt ass comes in and is like so you're extreme You got to cut it all off you fat fuck Let me tell you why I knew dr. Rafi was fucking full of shit. Yeah, he was on those tatas like fly on He wasted zero time on that. Yeah, and I believe while he was touching her boobies. He he whispered in her ear He said I'll buy a buy a house if you have sex with me. Hi, hello, and welcome to another Brandspank, a new episode of VAD television.

That's long for VAD TV. I'm Dylan. That's Pat. Great to be here. That's Ruby. I'm Dylan. That's Pat. Uh, great to be here. Uh, that's Ruby. Hi, Del. Hi Pat. How are you? Doing good. Doing great. Hey, warning shot. Be careful when you ask someone how they're doing. Oh my God. Yeah. Cause sometimes they'll give you an answer. Uh,

today I, an acquaintance, I said, how's your summer going? She goes, not good. Now this is where you have to make a choice. Is there gonna be a follow-up question or you just move on and said, oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Oh. I said. You know, hang on a second, I had never thought of that. Because obviously you have to follow up.

But shutting it down with I'm so sorry to hear that is a beautiful little parachute. Thank you. I did not take that parachute. I did not pull that cord. I said, what's going on your summer? And she responded. And you should always know when you're talking to a wacky person that she could take you on a journey through crazy town, not just a journey, but, but time wise, it's going to be a long one. Oh, I had story wise. I don't think that much happened, but it'll take forever.

I had to extricate myself out of this conversation like a SEALS 16 member like get out of there because she was not reading body language that I'm done listening to this so I said why is your summer going bad? She said my squirrel died. Yeah. Oh your squirrel died. You got a squirrel as a pet? Yeah Samantha I loved her. I guarantee you Samantha wasn't all hers. Samantha belongs to outside Well, she just fed it. So we got into that and I said well how well I found Samantha with a bunch of her brothers and sisters when she was a little baby and I Raised her but I realized I had to let her back out into the wild

So I did and then one day I'm just looking on my window and Samantha's standing there saying mommy Let me back in and I did and then she lived with me So I'm like you lived with a squirrel Wow, I love squirrels No, I'd love them. I think they're just the cutest gosh darn things. I really do well They terrorize our dogs. Oh Ruby hates squirrels. No, I Death become them truly squirrels one of the I death become them, truly squirrels. One of the very few, and this is bad TV, we're here to talk about the valley,

but one of the few traditions that our father passed on to us children is, well, not to me. I would shoot an animal to eat it, but I wouldn't do this. But Ruby and Dad have a rich tradition of pelting squirrels off of telephone wires with apples that have fallen. Be careful Ruby, PETA listens. They do.

They do, yeah. And here's the thing PETA, if your squirrels want to use the power lines for transportation, I'm okay with that. We can share the space. Not for torture. lines for transportation. I'm okay with that. We can share the space. Not for torture. Not for torture. What they will not do is turn my backyard into Gitmo or I will help them with apples.

They really, I love squirrels, but some of them do have a mean streak. Some of them are just, let's call it spade to spade. Some of them are bullies. And they'll look down and they will antagonize in the most cowardly way. Oh look, this thing can't climb. Oh look, this thing doesn't have wings. And when I chatter at it, it gets very animated. I'm going to keep doing that all morning. It's like, that's a bull.

Horrible. Yeah. But yeah, you're right about asking people how they're doing. Because I remember when Cici and I were going through fertility issues a la Kristen and Luke but definitely not a lot Kristen and Luke because Luke's weird and he eats off of dinner plates we'll get to it. Somebody asked me how I was doing I just started breaking down tears. This this poor man was like how you doing and I was just like boom tears. This woman cried too. Yeah. I know god. Yeah. Well

Pivot pat pivot. Yeah. So um, anyways five stars kind words join us patreon pivot pat pivot patreon.com slash other podcast network for the real housewives of for the real housewives of Miami. I can't wait to break that down with you guys. Yeah, it should be fun. I think Kate Casey's coming on next week to break the second episode down that we do.

I think. That'll be fun. That'll be fun. And go follow Ruby's Substack. So let's get into this episode. This was a real one. Real dark. Yeah, this was a real one. Rubes, why don't you give us your rotten house

and or bumps first. Okay. I didn't love. I liked. So as to say, Jax is back. Thank you. I wanted more drama on my screen. Also we learned today,

I guess he's not coming back for season three. Do you think that will stick? Did we learn that today? I think he'll, well, he really wasn't on this season either. Well, he was dealing with a cocaine addiction. True. I think we'll see him next season.

I put dealing in big time air quotes, of course. Right, right, exactly. I thought that this was, so I've been watching old Vanderpump rules as my comfort. And so I'm into, they're married now in the show. This man has been this man his whole life. And I don't have, I'm losing any ounce of anything I have for sadness for that, for Brittany. A new paragraph, Jason. Oh my God. He's fallen from grace in my eyes.

He's broken my heart. He has made me cry myself to sleep. And Jill remains the best part of the show every time she's on the screen. And who is Jill? Jill is Kristen and Luke's dog Dylan. You love Jill. No, I don't like Jill.

Isn't it spelled with a G? No. I don't care J or G. Okay, well I'm gonna say 71 bumps. I don't like people synonymous with their dogs. It's like, leave it. I don't like people synonymous with their dogs. It's like, leave it. I don't leave it. Give it the house.

You want to go next? Yeah, sure. Sorry to the dog owners out there. You know, you talk about a comfort show. You know what I watched for comfort? To kind of validate my interstate with a colicky baby. I put on midsum are and I was just like this child will watch this. I don't care. This child will be in the room for the and it still remains. I love Ari Aster. It's

just a dog shit movie. I totally disagree. I love that. I hate that movie so much. Oh, it's so bad. Pat. I totally disagree. I love that. I hate that movie so much. Oh, it's so bad. Pat, I never would have suspected that from you. That's, that's interesting. Well, Dylan got me into the director because he came over here and watched whatever his first offering was. I like that one too about the cult thing. Yeah. That was a nice little twist at the end. And then Midsommar was the second one. And I thought it was amazing. Yeah, you know we talked about Jordan Poole everybody's Jordan Poole Jordan Poole here's this guy over over here just doing amazing things. He did The Witch

too? No that's Eggers. Anyways also Dexter we've been watching Dexter, let me get to the valley, okay? Sure. Jason has, I don't think I've ever seen a... Pussy, pussy, pussy. Aww. Pussy, pussy, pussy. Oh my God, what a callback. Pussy, pussy, pussy. Pussy, pussy, pussy. That's all I could think when he was at that tattoo shop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She will divorce

him for a storyline. Oh yeah. Okay. She's that yeah, she's that cold and calculated and he's just that much of a PUSSY to her. Oh my god. What an absolute just, what, I'm not even gonna, I can't even come up with the word. But that made me sad for men everywhere. Uh, Jackson Brenney, that was real. That was very real. Five pots. That was her essentially saying, you are a fucking cocaine head,

and I'm gonna say it five times at the last five minutes of this episode. You're a cocaine head. You're fucking cocaine head and I'm gonna say it five times at the last five minutes of this episode. You're a cocaine head. You're a cocaine head. You're a cocaine head. God when she said you're a narcissist so what you're going through pales in comparison to what I'm going through because I'm a human being who actually feels emotion. Oof that was real. That was real and that stung and then she said you're not even taking your bipolar medication. I had not, I did not know he was diagnosed with bipolar. Uh, yeah. Well, we got a lot to get into. Oh, sure.

I've had survive. Although last thing I'll say really quickly is, um, Dr. House, Feppy in we'll get to him. He should be thrown in alligator Alcatraz. Yeah, yeah, it's not jail because jail is too nice. And so I just really put that man should be thrown. Fuck alligator Alcatraz, just alive. Puddle of gators. OK, what a disgusting human being when Jeffy Lube comes and says they'll give you a free

like check of your engine. Yeah. Okay. You're taking that free. Their job is to find as many things wrong with your car as possible. Well, we're talking about a car and not a postpartum woman. But anyways, Rubes, go ahead. No, no, yeah, no, but really quickly to, to Dr. Rafi, if you make it out of the puddle of gators,

I'll be waiting, okay? I'll be waiting with a snake. And I saw a very scary AI video of like 5,000 anacondas in a river. I'll put you there when you're done with the gators. What you said to that woman was horrific. Nia is more beautiful than any woman that has ever touched your body.

And you're- And don't, don't. I'll have a snake, Dr. Huffsepian. Anaconda. I'll have a snake. Okay. Well, not an anaconda. We've talked about anacondas before.

They're dumb creatures. They're stupid, stupid idiots that eat too much and they can't move. Go ahead. Oh, I was going to say, just because we spent so much time at the top of the show talking about a bunch of other stuff, I'm going to say this season needed a comic relief. I think they hoped that Jasmine and Zach would provide that. They did not. They failed epically. And at some point in about two weeks into filming, and Bravo doesn't have to pay me for these these production notes, they should have cast two more couples. That's what this

season needed. It did not have this. I give this season a zero across the board and this is what you'd consider a sophomore slump. Real live wire, real renegade just coming out of the gates with a season long rotten hells. I mean we're not even done with the season. But because Jason is such a pussy, and I absolutely enjoyed that tattoo shop footage, that's right next to where I get my hair cut at Supercuts. That's the tattoo shop. Me and Ruby got our tattoos at that same place. Yeah.

Studio City tattoo, let's go. All right, four rotten. All right, Aaron, Ruby sent us the TikTok video of the AI Anaconda. We cannot watch it right now. We are far too behind. So Aaron and Jesse is that they're in a picture sitting on each other's laps and Michelle's like, Oh, look, you have two dads, but not really.

Well, I actually have that the transcript here. So Michelle, we're at her place and she's sharing the highlights of that trip to Hawaii with her beloved Isabella. And she points at the photo and she says, Look at your dad and that other guy that told everyone your mommy was a whore. Right, right. Look at your dad who throws weird and that guy who said I was a whore.

I'm really sorry. I don't mean to just really quickly digress and this is not political at all, but I saw a very good video of, did you guys see JD Vance and somebody put like the sound of heels click clacking as he was running in like a very normal way? But it just and the captions like why does he run like this and it was a callback to Aaron's throw I thought it was hilarious. Okay. No Peter Thiel has gotten that ass

Peter Thiel's Detonated in there. Okay N and Danny, how shopping in Sherman Oaks. Really quickly, I want to talk about people that have four under four. How do you have that? Four under four? Oh, four kids under 400 square feet. No, four kids under the age of four. Oh, they have twins. Yeah, twins. Okay. They have the oldest one, then they had twins, and now they're... And you want another one. Why would you want four? Maybe they're... They plan on forming a rock band? They're also... They're quite religious. I think there's a God element to it. I think they want to be family. But three is a more sacred number than four is, I think. Four is a weird num- num- num-

Number four. We have a couple parent friends that have four. Rush was a three-piece, right? That was a three-piece, yeah. Well, either way, it's not going to matter because what they- I mean, if you could do Rush, you could do anything. No, they won't. There's four Dylan.

Okay. Okay. Let's talk about real estate in Sherman Oaks. Yeah, yeah, okay. So Jasmine is working this open house and she's hoping to find dark side Danny and Nia, their dream home. I want to say this about...

Their 1200 square foot dream home. Their, yeah. It was nice. It was a step up from a tool shed. You can buy at Home Depot. Reality TV people I found have two other occupations and there are only two outside of being on a reality TV show or having it in your rearview mirror.

What are those two occupations? Real estate agent and well I'm stuck between two. You either go into cannabis or alcohol or you're just an influencer. Only fans. Oh okay. Yeah realtor or only fans. That's where you end up. That's it. That's all there is. That's all there is. Jax, if he was smart, would start an OnlyFans. So would Xander Val. Oh my God. I heard what's Charlie Sheen's ex that's in the news because she's breaking up with her husband this week? Carmen Electra.

Denise Richards. Does she make a million dollars a month on her OnlyFans? Probably. Yeah, I believe she does. Yeah. That's crazy. People be making boo- bucks on OAF. I know, but I know how men think.

Like they sign up to see her naked. Yeah. And then they unsubscribe. It's kind of like us. No, they don't. They think that they have an intimate digital relationship with these people because their $250 direct message for Labia pictures are fulfilled and they're like,

oh my God, this is my friend. Also, Denise Richards was like the it girl for so many of those people that need friends in the 90s. So like she will get bots to make her a million dollars a month. Dude, wild things and undercover brother. That's a one, two punch of Denise Richards. It's like, whoa, who are starship troopers? That's where she came onto the scene for this old guy.

Holy smokes. Yeah. All right. So the house is beautiful. It is 1,300 square feet. Real estate, I would say, in Los Angeles is maybe dumber than even Britney's tits. It's just square feet. Real estate, I would say in Los Angeles is maybe dumber than even Britney's tits. It's just, it's the dumbest thing. It's so, it's so goddamn

dumb. Me and Cease went to an open house down the street from us. It was $850,000 and we're like, okay, let's take a look. What? Samantha the squirrel couldn't live here. No, no. And she's dead. She doesn't even move around a lot. Where's the laundry room? Oh, it's over the oven. Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you want eight, you want more than $800,000 for that? You've gotta be kidding me. Well, you can move to Santa Clarita. Oh, we're coming, baby. I have to, I've often wondered, people from Santa Clarita clearly must be watching this show.

I assume they don't have that area blacked out, so they get to hear what a piece of shit of the show. Of course they have that area blacked out. That place does not have really any frequency yeah they don't have anything and still everyone's balding i thought the 5g was supposed to fuck us up the lack of it is fucking them up go ahead rups seeing this house made me want to live in santa clarita this was sad yeah it was sad one sink was sad. Yeah, it was sad. One sink. One sink. No his and hers. And also I believe the one sink was in a half bath down the hall from the master bedroom. It looked like. Do it. So let's get to Sheena's house. This is what we've been waiting for. Okay. We get to Sheena's

house for a little swim with Summer Moon, who fun fact was in Sheena's womb when her father was splashing himself all over the San Fernando Valley. You know, and God forbid she bring this up on the final season of Vanderpump Rules because it actually would have been a good storyline. So, you know, why bother? It's so funny because there was a season post-scandal where the hypocrisy is just, I mean, for Brock to come over to Tom and just be like, just hurt. One night. You know?

You got to stick with your lady's mind. You can't do that. Also, Sheena was in the news, and this is laughable. Ruby, I'm sure you're on top of this. She went after Lisa Vanderpump, said Lisa took advantage of her at her lowest moment to make a TV empire. And you were complicit in that, Sheena. You wanted to be famous.

That's the deal with the devil. You were 28, you weren't 19. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shut the fuck up. What is taking, how does that, what does that look like, taking advantage of it? She was alleging that because she had a fully formed frontal lobe and was fucking someone's husband, that somehow it was Lisa Vanderpump's fault.

Um, that that became exploited on TV and made her millions of dollars and very, very famous. And she tried to say that wasn't fair and wasn't okay. Uh, I, I, just an, just not an awful person like Jack's just boring and run of the mill vapid. The kids call him basic. Oh my God. But yeah, if you haven't seen it in the rags, Brock was cheating on her while she was pregnant. Yeah, just, just, but cheating with multiple people, right? Uh, I don't know.

Ruby's the expert here. Uh, I will not buy that book. I'll just listen to her on Juicy Scoop if she goes on there. Yeah, if Sheena does have a book, there's more, there's cheaper kindling to find, but I think a good kind of ritual would just be to purchase it, help her out a little bit and then just, I don't know, cook spam with it or something. You know, she, um, she doesn't have a neck on the book because it's too photoshopped.

She, she photoshopped it so much. She doesn't have a neck. Hey Pat, that's pretty crazy. Yeah, it is. All right, let's get to Janet. Oh, well, she's upset that Kristen is defending dark side, Danny, and Sheena is quick to add that Kristen always latches on to the popular girl of the season and takes her side no matter what.

What popular girl are we talking about? Stassi. OK, but on this, are there any popular girls on the Valley? I don't think there are. I think Nia is who she's alleging. OK. Yeah. Because she's pretty.

So Janet doesn't know where she stands with Nia and Danny. We do. You called her husband a sexual criminal. So I think you don't stand well with them, yeah. No, wobbly. You are on your non-dominant foot and that foot is injured. That's how you're standing. Yeah, but you're on one of those skyscraper cranes

that all the dudes from the 20s used to sit on with their lunch pails. Oh yeah, it's the Grey Phonos. Yeah, you're out there, yeah. Grey Phonos really, really kind of encapsulates the bravery of the, uh, the industrial America, you know? Mm. They should show at least one photo of one of those dummies falling to his death. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Cause Jerry just kind of slapped him in the chest, pushed him over. We, we have ads on the subways here of like BMX bikers who I don't know who they are

telling kids it's cool to stay alive and ride inside because now kids get on the top of subways and then they kill themselves on accident. So it's like the bravery of those guys on the crane right and now what we have they'd be proud. I think of what happened Yeah, I do and I'm proud as well. So let's get to Kristen and Luke. I would like to talk about these dinner trays for a moment Hold on before we get there. So to set the scene we have Both Luke and Kristen with their little dinner trays from the 1980s and then we have their two fucking mutts Sitting there at their knees looking like they're waiting for a money shot. I love dogs as the audience

knows that but dogs should not be comfortable sitting right next to you as I said in a very disgusting way looking for a money shot. Yeah. Right, right, right. Get out of here. And you gotta give it to porn actresses. I mean, can you imagine feigning enthusiasm for something so awful? I mean, it's really acting. No.

I mean, think about that. That's crazy. They should be more savvy. Yeah, and I'd argue some of them, they really overact, you know? Yeah. The ones that are really should be more. That's crazy. Yeah, and I'd argue some of them, they really overact, you know? Yeah. The ones that are really excited about it. Oh, oh yeah.

Sorry, Roops. Okay. That's okay. So I wanna talk about these dinner trays because, you know, I feel so guilty because I have to be here working, but my job is so fun and my wife is at home doing something that is so hard, but you just don't get paid for it. So anyways, um, just wanted to express my guilt, uh, externally real quick. So dinner trays, I know I'm a hater.

I understand that these dinner trays are practical. There's something so Synchronized with the weirdo that is Luke these dinner trays They're weird Who is eating on dinner trays the fact that Luke is eating on a dinner tray? It's just like the stars aligned. It was so bananas to me. It was odd. Ruby dinner tray. You guys, I did not know that they were eating. I didn't even notice that they were eating on anything that wasn't a plate. I didn't even fucking see them. Oh yeah. You've got to rewind. Were you guys of the generation? Cause you'd have

like four dinner trays, the standupup ones not the ones that rest on your lap that look like a chikootery spread. Yeah you'd pull them out and the whole family be sitting in front of the TV. Mom had a beautiful set of kind of Russian nesting doll TV dinner plates for us. We rarely used them but but it's nice to have now you just kind of lean over and slop shit into your mouth and it falls on the floor and you get ants. So Janet rolls over what Jax rolls over with an orchid. One of the most shining examples of stay dressed when you got the most pussy is Jax Taylor. That's right. This man's fashion has not evolved since 2005.

It was 2014. Oh, well, yeah. But also, yeah, 2015. I always say the haircut and the attire is the year that the dude scored the most. Yeah, Jax is still very much in that era. Go ahead, Rubz. No, I was just saying the hair and his outfits are of that era And it's as I'm watching it right now. It's but it's sad and it's awful. So his golden goose sneakers Like hey, buddy Your your kid needs that money. You shouldn't be spending four hundred dollars on sneakers that are gross

I don't even know if he has them, but I would assume he does so they get to Throwing Brittany under the bridge Kristen corrects it to the bus and Jack says well, whether it's the bus or the ridge I don't want to throw her under it. He is very dumb, but he's also on lots of drugs. So allegedly He is very dumb, but he's also on lots of drugs, allegedly. So it's a really kind of- Yeah, it sounds clearly like he's on drugs. Does it? Oh my God, it drives me nuts because I'm formally

a pill head, and so it's the same kind of deal. They put the same shit in the pills that they do and the cocaine to kind of make more of it, and it makes you sound congested. He's he sounded congested throughout the entire season during interviews, during doing scenes. He may have a deviated. He picks at his nose constantly like, you know, clearing it up.

He may have a deviated septum. Well, he should get that worked on. Yeah, but that's one of those things where you're like, can I live with it? Because you got to break my nose, you know? He's had his nose broken. That's a good point. All right, so it's crazy what a massive narcissist he is.

Everything they talk about revolves around him. He says, I'm glad I didn't ruin the surprise. I haven't seen my son. It's just all about him. It's like, hey, buddy, these two people just got engaged. Spread the topics. It was multiple scenes this episode of his various TV fake friends,

offering him advice on how to better his life. Yeah, Luke's idea was really good. You could turn your cruise's room into a panic room that Brittany can have like a satellite viewing into. That was a really good idea. Luke is fucking weird. Just see him eating that chicken. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's weird. Just see him eating that chicken. Yeah, yeah.

He's weird. No, you guys are weird for focusing so much on their eating habits. How's that? Let's get to the wolf cubs. Very, very cute moment from the wolf cubs. I love, Nia is so lovely. She's probably weird,

cause she is with, we'll get to Nia in a little bit. Don't we head over to Valley Glen at that James May photos? Yes, we get to the James a few notes on this if you'd like to see the final product Head on over to that website pick with there's a great pick of Luke holding a guitar Looks especially amateur. Yeah, it's pretty tough. Now, the company's. Everything looks like it was canvassed by somebody. Like, they're, and I know they're graphic tees,

but it literally looks like you have a stock photo of a racially ambiguous person, and then they just put a canva transparent graphic over. I'm like, Kristen's selling t-shirts? Okay, so they so on the website, it describes the brand as a LA origins brand of T-shirts in comfortable wear to look neat or some bullshit like that.

Anyway, what the business is, is a- That's a chat GPT brand slogan, if I've ever heard one. It's a white label T-shirt company that drops ships. Yeah, is a chat GPT brand slogan if I've ever heard one It's a white label t-shirt company that drop ships. Yeah for sure. Okay, so it's not a fashion company. No, it's not so Jack's calls to scream about ring camera codes and We cut to Brittany in her OTF and I Don't want to keep harping on I know that I sound like an asshole and a pig. Just the dumbest tits, man. Dumb tits.

No. This was a hard one. Should we just call her dumb tits? Over her head. You could not convince me that she could not keep the three of us afloat easily in a body of water. Yeah. Oh, I grabbed on. Oh yeah. Honestly, Pat, same. And it wouldn't be to stay alive. Oh, is that insane?

Is that big? Like, is he a big guy? Jack's 511. Oh, oh, Zach, I think is pretty tall. He looks big. He looks like a big boy. All right, anyways, let's get to Zach and Jack's. Zach, sorry. What? Jesse visits Jack's.

Jesse and Jack's. My bad. Yeah. I looked, because I know where this is. It's right off of Laurel Canyon. They described it on the show or some story that I read, because I was trying to find out where he lived. It's pretty easy.

It's scary you can find out where these people live, their actual address. He lives right on Laurel Canyon. Yeah. Yeah. And it's $6,000 a month. I don't know what to say other than good job, Jax. God, man.

Must have been that, was that reality show he was on last year? Is it by the villains? Is it by the Popeyes? House of Villains. was on last year? Is it by the villains? Is it by the Popeyes? House of Villains. House of Villains. Is it by the Popeyes? It's by the Popeyes.

Oh my god, no. So Jax doesn't know how Britney's moving so fast. Again, we do. You threw a table at her and you have a very violent addiction to cocaine. Yeah, I don't want to besmirch the man, but he definitely was up all night doing cocaine. Yeah. Well, and he always wears the, you know, we've talked about lots.

There's a litany of mistakes and awful behavior from Jax Taylor. I don't think he's done anything worse than wearing the Jax, creating the Jax bar and restaurant logo, and then wearing it all the time. Clearly part of the the deal he made with the whatever. Investors. You call them investors. Yeah it's some of the ugliest hats I've ever seen in my life but it's hard for him to only see his kid when Brittany says and you know tough, but that's kind of the way the cookie crumbles when you do

what you did. So I know it's tough, but now I was disinterested in what Jack's had to say here. I was more interested in where Jesse's at with his life. His update on the divorce is apparently some paperwork was filled out incorrectly. So shit eating grin on Pat right now. was filled out incorrectly. So, yeah, so. The shit eating grin on Pat right now is. I just, this guy is such a loser. We learn his finances aren't great. Turns out spending 10 grand a month on wine

and not selling a house for 15 months can put a real strain on the purse strings, you know? Yeah, some people would say it blows a hole in them. So. The fact that Michelle has just said, I won't pay any more of it. Sorry. Okay. Is I mean, it's beautiful. I do want to know this because sometimes these people say things and you're like, okay, that that doesn't happen in reality. Apparently he took out a $300,000 loan. Did you hear that? Okay. What bank because I'd like to know what bank just gave you a $300,000 loan? Did you hear that? Okay. What bank? Because I'd like to know what bank just gave you a $300,000 loan.

He, you know what he probably did? He probably walked into like speedy checks in on like La Brea and Olympic and was like, listen, I'm the biggest mark you're ever going to have. I need $300,000. And they're like, OK, it's going to be a 71% interest. And he's like, fine. Make it 75. Yeah. Oh, boy.

It's going to be fun seeing him broke. I don't. I honestly, there's no way he's going to maintain a real estate career. Stay married, people. Stay married people. Stay married. Don't treat your wives like such shit that they hate you and want to divorce you. Okay.

Let's get to Dr. Ravi Hovsepian. Can I just say it's bolded here in underline and this is true. We get to Dr. fuckface cunt ass Hovsepian with Mia and Danny and then I just have a bunch of quotes where he says things and then it just says dash cunt fucking bitch ass cunt ass Hovsepian with Mia and Danny. And then I just have a bunch of quotes where he says things and then it just says dash cunt fucking bitch ass cunt. Yeah. Like his, his, he comes in, let's hear what areas are bothersome. Is it everything? You should never speak ever at all. I don't know if Hovsepian is the Smith of Armenia, but I think I went to school with his daughter. Possible. Possible.

His office is on Rodeo Drive, the exact place you do not want to go in and get any work done. No. No. Where do you want to get work done? You probably want to get it done on Wilshire. No, no, no. There's plenty of good doctors you can get out

in like fucking Simi Valley. Like the price would be great. Oh, you want to go out like fucking see me valley. Like the price would be great. Huh? Yeah. Yeah. So when I went in, this is 25 years ago to get my double chin removed, I go in there and my consultation was like, I go, they go, what do you, you know, what's, what's the, I go, well, this double chin, I starve myself to death. I still got this fucking a double chin. My friends,

my best friends, they, my nickname is no neck cause I don't have a neck because I just my big fat neck, you know Anyway, what can we do and they said? Well, we should probably start working on your cheeks because there's a lot of fat there, too. Oh I didn't even have a problem with that till you mentioned it how much were you out of there for you're not gonna believe this So this is 25 years ago. I put it on my credit card. It was $4,200. Changed my life. What did they do? Did they cut it all off or did they suck it out? They suck out underneath your chin, but they also remove the fat pack that's in there that collects the fat

when you eat. It's called buckle fat. And they went in through the back of my ears and pulled my fat out of my cheeks too. Were you, you were out, right? Yeah. And then I went to Rite Aid and my roommate let me get some thrifties ice cream in there. I don't know how I would feel about that amount of anesthesia in Simi Valley. I would want to be, I would want to be at

least at the Beverly Center. That sounds snobby but you know what I'm talking about? Just really quickly while we're talking about doctors that say things because they should be more careful with their words. Pat has not forgotten his cheek fat. I had to get a bunch of knee surgeries when I was an athletic child. And this was actually 17 years ago. And as I was leaving and I had to get this doctor. Ruby would have been on the women's national team. I mean, she was that good. Is that right? Yeah. She was really, really good. Well, she was, I believe Dylan, she was at least going to go to college for it, but you know, ACL, double ACL. Yeah. Yeah. It's lucky she walked today. Yeah, no, I know.

No, like two years with this lovely, lovely doctor who really was lovely. And he was a great doctor. And then as I was leaving, he said, I came to him as a young athlete and I was leaving him as a robust young woman. And in the two years I had gotten, I mean, I had gained probably 55 pounds. Yeah. I mean, it was no robust was and you were hearing fatty. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, robust is often a euphemism for what did you hear? Why? Yeah. Small. You came in here, an athletic young young woman and you're leaving a fucking Mack truck. Good luck. Good luck. So Dr. Rafi heads in he looks at Nia really quickly though. Nia is so beautiful and her husband is a steampunk midget. No he's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's just and I don't mean to flame. You know what? I need to be more sensitive. There are short guys out there,

lucky for you though, you're in your era, okay? Nobody gives a fuck about tall guys anymore. I think they do. She will divorce him eventually and marry a tall man. And she will not live in Santa Clarita. Well, he is, I mean, he's super steampunk. I mean, he's got these freaking, these blacksmith sunglasses on his V neck and he's got these

ripped jeans and these, these Chelsea boots. And I'm just like, what is going on here? Dylan, he's a voiceover artist. All right, I want to say this about him. Um, because it's hard to figure out how this works. She was Miss America. I, this is quite a get. Yeah. I think he makes her feel safe. Yeah.

Well, where's he going to go? Safe would be knocking Dr. Raffi out because he heads in, looks at Nia and throws up. No, no. Oh my God. I'm so sorry. It's just, it, there's a lot of work to do. Um, it's insane how gorgeous she looks like her boobs look fucking sick as fuck. You know what I'm talking about? I mean, did you see the little, little steampunk is just sitting there just lovingly staring

at his wife's lovely tit that has just fed all of his children. Yeah. And then, Rafi Sapie Snake fuck cunt ass comes in and is like, so you're extreme. You got to cut it all off you fat fuck. And let me tell you why I knew Dr. Rafi was fucking full of shit. Yeah. When he said, do you mind if I touch them? He was on those tatas like fly on poop.

He wasted zero time on that. And I believe while he was touching her boobies he he whispered in his career he said I'll buy a buy a house if you have sex with me you ever heard of Morton's you can't afford it right now can you all right a lot of Morton's Jesus was it last note. I did look up the business 60 reviews 59 Five stars. Yeah one three and doesn't you see that little slide there where it should just peek at the five-star Just that little three star right there. Yeah, we know that pain So let's get to studio tattoo

Studio city tattoo where Ruby and I got our tattoos of our beloved saber who passed away in a tragic drowning accident this is the bitchiest cuckiest thing Jason has ever done and that is saying something because that's all he really is yeah he's there to get a ring tattoo under his wedding ring so when he's out on the town and he forgets it at home it will still be there for all the ladies that are fighting to get to him, presumably because he doesn't want Janet to ever think she doesn't own his balls because he's a... Pussy, pussy, pussy! Pussy, puss, puss, pusssy!

Try to find our cat. Where is that cat? I'm sorry. What happened to Iggy Azalea? I think, well, you know, she had that one live performance where she freestyled fireman, fireman. You know what I'm talking about? That tank, the career pretty much. Robs, you know what I'm talking about? No, I the career. Pretty botch. Rubes, you know what I'm talking about? No, I do not.

You don't? You're showing how I'll kill some time. Well, Rubes first, how's your tattoo? Is it, is it good? Is it getting worn? My tattoo is incredible. And even if it was getting worn, Studio City Tattoo gives you lifetime. Go get your tattoo fixed up.

Yep. Stuff. Well, I don't know what you think that tattoo conveys to strangers, but Jason thinks that this tattoo might think people, people might think he's a rough guy. Oh yeah. It's not mine. A tattoo of Satan on your chest. That's a tattoo that people start questioning. Well, start questioning well let's take a listen to this I can't believe you guys never heard this I'm in the finish line with the fire mox. On the relay start to my runway train. Master, she know the pants got spitted like a pet. She wrapped her pants, she did like go like that. She went faster, she went like faster.

You ain't gotta get a fishball. So I'm a raptor, I'm a swiper. She go like a moon, I'm a hatch, she a rooftop, I'm a ween. When I win, when I win, I win, I win. When I win, I win, I win. I'm gonna leg up like she got hose on cold. Got hose on cold, I come to take a pretty toe coat.

Just damaging, that's my protocol. This minion, I turn the end zone, slow as a note, camera, I don't care if you want it. No color map, gotta give it to your role. Pitch one point, put a pack in your joint. You gotta tune this beat, I'm spraying my joint. That's pretty crazy, huh? Oh my God. Tile, Tile, ma. I don't think she said a fucking single thing. I mean, not one word, just noises. That's why she's not around anymore.

That's why she's not around anymore. That's why she's not around anymore. Okay. All right. So he's basic. Janet's basic. It's all basic. This made me want to throw up when she goes, I've never heard you say the F word before. Do you guys have people under the floorboards that are living right now? Okay. This was when this came out of her mouth and then they laughed. I thought to myself, and this is to me Your husband is gay. I

Don't think that you two have ever actually had sex And if you have do it better the fact that you've never heard him say the F word ever have you has he stubbed a toe? What is his reaction when things go wrong? What is his curse word? It's so bananas, but the the crazy thing about this is that they chalk this up to, you know, this is how sick these two puppies are. They chalk it up to, we're doing this to double down on our eternal lover and dying loving her and dying commitment to one another. And that's not what it's about at all. It's about winning a reality TV row. Is that the word route?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's why they're doing it. They're doing it to win an argument. I mean, am I off base there? No, they're so into this storyline. Yeah. They're the only people into this storyline. No one else gives a shit.

And by the way, I'd say this to any listeners or fans of the valley that want her off the show, she absolutely will not be off the show. She's horrible. And that's what they want. Well, listen, I feel for Janet, because she's getting a lot of online abuse. And and you know, we've we've, you know, been on the side of the you know, the wrong side of that. I mean, the other day, somebody wrote the semi disbalding. I mean, the other day somebody wrote, the semite is balding.

I mean, my god. So I get it. Yeah, it was me. But also, Janet, don't be so awful. And people will still be people. There's times to be awful where the audience will still have your back. Jack's actually mastered that for several years.

Well, not anymore. Let's get to Nia and Kristin. I know Kristin likes Nia. I think she may want to slit her throat when she's talking about a fourth kid or lipo in front of her. You know what I mean? It's a little tough. Daniel is...

Sorry, I did want to move on for her. So Nia wants her bod back or a fucking kid. And she wants to look like Danny with his Greek God body, a direct quote from her. Before she spends money on new milk jugs, I think she needs a fucking eye exam. Yeah, what's he the God of? Rollie pollies?

Jesus fucking Christ. Go ahead. What is she seeing that we're not? I bet you when he's shirtless, after he like doesn't drink for like probably four days, he's pretty cut. And I also think that Kristen and Luke living in a home with nothing, no art, not one thing that I've seen

on the walls except for a massive piece that says, do it for the plot is good for them. Yep. All right, so let's get to the real stuff. This is ugly, man. Jack's head's over. Brittany is telling the nanny to take the child away. Can I can I say something?

Yep. And I mean this. Zuli is one of the best people. In Cruz's life. And I believe that her and Brittany together have basically been parenting this child because she's been around since he was very, very little. And I just wanna take a moment for Zulie because Cruz really seems to like Zulie.

Zulie is great. And can I say, I feel protective of Zulie. I don't really like the way that Brittany speaks to Zulie. I think that Zulie understands Brittany is really stressed out and Zulie probably like always talks to her friends on her way home about how fucking crazy Jax is and how the girl needs to leave him. And now she's like, good for you, Brittany.

Yeah, but I wouldn't want Brittany to think that she was better than Zulie in any way, shape or form because Brittany is addicted to beans and bad men. So like, what, anyways. Zulian anyway, shape or form, because Brittany is addicted to beans and bad men. So like what, anyways, her name's dumb tits. Yeah, she has stupid tits. She opens the fridge. There are so many sauces in there. It was insane. Holy shit. At the end of the day, like corn is corn. You can only put so many sauces on it. You know what I'm talking about? Um, all right. So, um, the shot fired was how many Xanax are you? Yes, that I was like, whoa, we're going to go there. Whoa. Okay. Yeah're openly calling the father of your son a drug addict. Yeah.

Well, when his response, Pat, is, I've never taken any ever. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I think that's why we do these things. No, she really reads him. Is that right? Is that the...

Mm-hmm. And he looks like he's going to Easter service. Yes, he does. He looks like he's going to a egg hunt I've had a lot of friends with dependency problems on drugs one friend in particular who shall remain nameless. I Literally watched cocaine because I've never been into cocaine I just it doesn't do it for me But this particular person basically destroyed his entire life with his addiction to cocaine, rolling it into his 40s.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We're, we're a powerful drug war where we can get there pretty easily. We get into, well, Jack's, Jack's refers to his son as medicine. Again. That's not what I take your point, but like I it's such a uncanny thing to say, right? Because the child's a child, not a prescription, right? So the fact that he said it multiple times and he's landed on this thing, like it sounds good. And I'm going to keep saying it is really, really disturbing. And then we get to the alimony and medical bill 50-50 say and this is nasty this is gonna be a brutal divorce he loves his son but he just doesn't think that he can argue anymore it's amazing

Jack's rope is pretty short he's like you know what love Cruz, but I can't do this. I've got fucking impressionable 21-year-olds to destroy. With my cock. Yeah. This was every male in the 70s, actually. Right. You know what? You're giving me a little too much lip. I'm moving to Florida.

I'll drop a Christmas card off once a year. Yeah, yeah, yeah. OK, thanks, man. When he sits down, seemingly exasperated, and says, I'll drop a Christmas card off once a year. Yeah. When he sits down, seemingly exasperated and says, every time I come over here, you're just mean to me. I was like, you know, he and again, when there was a beautiful moment in this screaming match, when he was like, you can't expect me to give you custody and then pay bills. And she goes, what do you think child support is?

Yeah. That was funny. That's amazing. Well, she, it really balls out and ends with the the kind of a tearing of trauma that he cannot experience compared to her. There was one other line that was really important. She had said that it's something that as a man with nerve endings you'd never want to hear said, I don't want our son to be like you. Yeah. That is a that means you failed. Oh yeah. Yeah. Sorry. I just want to get that. No, she followed it up with and you should want the same thing. Oh, brutal. And Pat and I were talking about it before the mics heated up. Like, it's so important to have good relationships with your children because it's so hard to be a parent.

Like, think of all the sacrifice. I mean, not that Jax made a ton of sacrifices, but even for Jax, it was probably pretty tough to bring Cruz up, who's now three or four now. Like what did you do all those years for? Like it's all a fucking waste. This is me just talking out of my ass. I don't think he did a lot of child rearing. I think they hired, is it Zulia?

Zulia? Zulie. And I think it was probably the bulk of the childcare was on those two and he was out doing whatever the fuck he wanted to do, Honestly. Yeah gross pig get in the comments Let us know what you thought about the episode five stars kind words show us a patreon.com slash another podcast network for real housewives of Miami We love you guys very much. Have a great rest of your week. I'm Dylan saying goodbye Pat say goodbye and Ruby

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