Kill James Bond! - Can You Help With My Contact? | Below Deck Down Under S2 E1

Episode Date: July 19, 2023

Dylan and Pat are back to breakdown Lord of the Rings, Jesus, Let The Right One In, being 30, Leon Bridges, SNL, contactgate, Versailles, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, hunting stingrays, Dr. Who, and much more from Bravo’s Below Deck Down Under. Uncensored content and exclusive shows including Vanderpump Rules at Patreon.com/AnotherPodcastNetwork

Would you rather go skiing or scuba diving? I don't like the cold. I won't go there either. No, but you have to pick. I can't. I'll drink a margarita. Somebody get me a margarita. I'm way too scared of the cold and the water.

It's so crazy. You just take the most extreme example of the environment, and you go, I can't do it. Have you seen The Revenant? I'm not going up there. It's too cold. Way too cold. Next thing you know, you've got to fucking blow an arrow through your fucking head.

You've got some rival who killed your family. I'm not doing that. It's too cold. Welcome aboard, or should I say, I'm going to try to do it. Welcome aboard. No, that was a good start. Welcome aboard another Brain Spanking Nail episode of another podcast. Network presents... Dada Nanda.

Oh my gosh, I'm so excited. When I hear people from England or Australia do imitations of Americans, it's very annoying. Yeah. And we have a lot of Australian and... And British fans. And New Zealand fans as well. Oh, got it.

They must be very annoyed by that. Yeah, yeah. But I thought you nailed it. Thank you. Yeah, sorry to all you fucking Marmite eaters or Vegemite eaters. I'm sorry. I get them confused. But guys, we are back.

Do you live near where they filmed Lord of the Rings? Yeah. How do you like that being the only thing that Americans think of your country? Have you seen The Fellowship of the Ring? All right. So. Kangaroos. So. Kangaroos. You know, stuff like that.

So sad seeing them run away from those fires. But they can hop at a great speed. Oh, yeah. At a great speed. Yeah. Babies aren't as fast. But they carry them in the pouches. There we go.

Nature's good at figuring stuff out. You know go. Nature's good at figuring stuff out. You know who's also really good at figuring stuff out, kind of on the fly, is Hot Captain, because remember, he almost killed a bunch of people in the very land that we are in. I can't wait to get into it. Pat, hit public service announcements. I'm champing.

Okay. You got to. Well, actually, in this feed, lots of great stuff happening this week. So you're going to get, obviously, us recapping the reunion, which I thought was a dud, but Dylan and I make it fun. And who knows what I thought? Did I think

it was a dud? Did I not? I did. Oh, okay. So we agree. Spoiler alert. We have an interview with Lucky slash Lucy Edmonds. Our interview with Lucy, you get more information about what was happening behind the scenes than that goddamn part one of that ridiculously uh unnecessary part one of below deck reunion season let's do this let's do this um gary has to watch the show

moving forward oh he by the way he's such a bad liar. He did then reflect on scenes that he's watched. But if he didn't clockwork orange next season, okay, toothpicks in the eyes, you can't just be like, yeah, I didn't see it. Got no idea what you're talking about. It's like, all right, you're ruining the reunion. Okay, yeah, God damn it. I, the more he's on TV, I have more.

I dislike him. All right. So, and then cast is a new crew, the more I dislike him. All right. This is a new cast. This is a new crew, though. This is Dan Under. This is Dan Under, but I'm still doing our little PSAs. This week, if we haven't already, as you're hearing this, we have an interview with Grant and Todd from the Thrupple episode

where one of those little fucking little org-looking motherfuckers dropped a deuce and didn't clean it up in the toilet, and they break down the game film, give us the behind-the-scenes you're going to love. Dude, how much tea was that? That was a ton of tea. That was a ton of tea. I think Todd was high.

So I think he had a couple. I think he had a couple. They're in Berlin. He's in Berlin. He's having a good time, and he's spilling tea on the pod. That'll come later in the week. So this is how you guys thank Dylan and I

for giving you so much great, amazing content this week. Great, amazing American content. You head over to patreon.com slash another podcast network and you subscribe for five fucking measly dollars. That's it. Add free episodes. Uncensored tier is a little bit more, but there's

lots of fun stuff there. Also plenty of gabbing and goofing and Vanderpump rules exclusively there with my baby sister, Papaya Dog, Ruby Wren. So, let's get into the episode. We've got to give our thoughts and nods. I can't, you know, every time... Getting into the episode is getting into the show. All right.

But if we have not yet delivered our pots, what do you think? I've all of a sudden adorned myself with a purple and green suit, and I have a fucking clown. What do you think is going on here? I'll tell you what, man. No one can ever turn in

a fucking 10 out of 10 performance every episode. You occasionally forget and forego the thoughts, and not, sir. Okay. There's only one person that's perfect in the world. And that was Jesus. And he died on the cross for all our sins. Yeah.

Okay. Do you want, Hey, good job, Jesus, not the dying part, but just being such a fucking stand up guy. Yeah.

Yeah. Should we let Caitlin go first? Yeah, absolutely. What do you think? Well, that first episode is never too exciting, but I thought the guests were pretty entertaining. I gave it 24 knots. 24 knots. That was very methadone

drippy of you. That's what you're looking for, right? You know, and listen, it's tough, but we're looking for brief, but we are looking for a little bit more energy okay a little bit more energy let's let's be methadone and red bull sugar free next week pat go ahead okay uh turning in an amazing first episode these typically can be throwaways half of it's spent i don't know provisions showing up uh getting to know the

cast a little bit of sea rat histories yeah where do you like your dad no i don't know, provision showing up getting to know the cast a little bit. Yeah see rat histories. Yeah this do you like your dad? No I don't like well, that's why I like me left when I was left five of my siblings. Yeah, yeah okay, we well, it's teased that we have a love pentagon that's

going to happen. So that was a nice little tease by Kermit, which is an odd kind of label to put on just typical sea rat behavior. Right. We don't need to geometrize everything. Okay. It's just a bunch of sea rats fucking and sucking each other. There's no shape.

It's a ball of snakes. I think below deck is glommed onto the numbers thing. They really love throuples and stuff like that. The scandal has ruined a lot of Bravo content. Okay. So we have in this particular episode a single person providing service for six people. That is so below deck.

Yeah. We start a charter with paying customers with a two down as far as staffing. Once again, that's so below deck. We have a chief stew, Kermit, who I love as a person but with a voice so grating it makes snails on a chalkboard sound like a symphony i love a show i do too and then we have hot captain that loves to show his ass and what more could we ask for

uh and then they delivered us two horrible people Two truly horrible individuals, which has now been kind of an ongoing thing. The sailing ended with the thruple that were three douchebags. Absolutely horrible. And now we have the start of Down Under with two equally just gross human beings. In Christian, what was the sassy gay guy's name?

Brandon. Oh, I hated that guy so much. I hate him. Okay. And also, we'd love to have him on the show. Oh, I'll have you guys on. You can explain yourselves. We're not going to buy it. We're not going to buy it because let me say something about you two. You two are the people

that I'm always wondering when I get cut off on the freeway and someone almost killed me and then they have the temerity to roll down their window and give me the middle finger yeah yeah that's one of these two right right right those are the horrible people that exist in your daily life that you never find out who they are and now they are on this episode they don't return carts these people they don't return shopping carts they don't return carts, these people. They don't return shopping carts. They don't return carts. They think you should do it. Yeah.

A hundred pots. Okay. I think the cast has promise. Well, they're all single, I think. Yeah, Aisha's not. But I'll get to that in a second. I think it's a really, really fascinating wrinkle to bring the captain back to a place where he caused so much horror.

So it would be like, I don't know, like bringing my father back to the canopies of Vietnam and having him do like a vacation. Dylan, you're missing something. Captain Jason is good looking. So despite the fact that he smashed that goddamn boat into that dock, because of that accent and an equally sexy abs there, abs, it's someone else's fault right that's how

human beings operate you ever see a hot girl spill coffee at uh at starbucks or something yeah and then multiple people like run there to throw napkins down yeah it's because the person's hot hot people get away with doing bad things right right that's what happened there yeah yeah they're freaks i guess in in the same sense that the x-men are yeah but they have superpowers right exactly um you know like hot girl magneto same kind of thing hey can i give a theory before we start because can i fucking say my god i'm sorry fucking not 70 go ahead i have a theory about this goddamn boat i think they got it at a discount okay my god. I'm sorry fucking not 70. Go ahead. I have a theory about this goddamn boat.

I think they got it at a discount. Okay, can we all right? I want to get in this show because the boat is an important part of this episode. So of course we start with where else Asia has returned to below deck asia is one of my favorite below deck cast members i think she's uh she's got great bants and it's fun to see her get absolutely steamrolled by subordinates

i love kermit yeah yeah i love kermit too. Yeah. Yeah. I love Kermit too. But I am a little concerned, dare I say trepidatious, about a budding relationship that is a little too much too early. And that is Captain Hot Pants, Rack-a-Lam Hot Pants, and Aisha. Yeah. I'm not saying there's anything sexual going on. There 100% is. There are a hundred percent is I. There's a hundred percent. He's got three dopey with dudes with weird haircuts.

Yeah. Sitting down in engine room looking at, I don't know, fucking meters or you're talking about Ilya or whatever. I don't three very not attractive men. Okay. Need to stay down in the bottom of the boat, like the steerage in the Titanic.

They'd be the first to die. Although the engineers, they'd probably figure it out and get out of the boat first. He could have asked any one of those assholes to help him with his goddamn eye contacts. But no, no, no, no. He asked Kermit to do it because that's an intimate thing. Yeah, it is. Okay? That's something you do for your husband or someone that, at the very least,

you bang for three weeks. Okay? Just putting that out. By the way, he's still hot, but he's aging a little bit. Okay. Are you a sassy Kim Cattrall bitch tonight? My God.

I need photo approval before those go out. All right. So this season we are on um we are in canes um can cans uh on a fucking fishing boat now let's talk about the boat it's absolutely disgusting uh there's there you you you can take your gilligan's kitsch and get me on an actual yacht because this is not it okay this interior of this boat we'll talk about the exterior the interior of the boat looks like your weird uncle's house yeah a hundred percent like why does it smell like fucking cigars and he's a he's a big collector of all these like weird maritime what is going

on with the mics i know we're screaming a, but we're very into are we peaking? I feel like we're peaking. It's going to sound magical. Okay, but let me get into this. His relatives of the weird uncle that has a house looking like this with the fucking cheap wood paneling. No air conditioning. The second this fucker dies, his

body isn't even cold yet and all the relatives run in there and sell all these fucking yeah. A sale. Yeah, right away. That's what this place look like yeah yeah but we all know it's converted japanese fishing boat this is not a place where people pay a lot of money to stay on it smells like uh unsmoked cigars and microwave bags of spinach and it's fucking gross all right so um typical below deck shit as you mentioned one of the people we hired cannot come to work on time and you know people who are just starting off watching uh below deck down under um or below you know blood i can general you would you it begs the question like why hire hire someone else right

some hire somebody who can make it on the first day but that's not the way this show rolls right because what do we do on this show well we thrust incompetence on wealthy people that is exactly what we do we bring them to a breaking point if they are not psychologically sound because what the wealthy are about to go through is a jigsaw killer kind of gauntlet of incompetency. So Aisha just wants to smash these charters, and she's going to be more direct. She's going to be a direct bitch this year,

because last season, Mangdala was tossing her around the boat left and right. She's like, Aisha, I'm exhausted. I was fighting with my boyfriend all night. You need to get the fuck out of my face. And Asha was like, oh, Ron, I'm sorry. She also used up all the goddamn data from the phones.

Remember that? Remember when Captain Hotpants had to tell her, you've used more data than three vessels in 14 hours. She's like, all right, double a seven. Get the fuck out of my face. All right.

So Luke comes aboard and we break to talk about how ancient the fishing boats. The boat is a piece of shit with no technology. He tells Luke. Well, he tells the audience about about cans. He says, I've crashed a fucking boat here. Took out a fucking building. I like how he said, we found a safe place with no people.

Yeah. How'd you know? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They told me everything. Three children. That's it, though. All right, so let's meet our bisexual Jewish hero, Serena.

Serena, yeah. I love her. She is amazing. The bands, I'll say it again, the bands are unbelievable. The pans? Bands. Bands. Yeah.

What's the bands? Banter. Oh, the? Bants. Bants. Yeah. What's the bants? Banter. Oh, the banter. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I only have one issue. They showed some pictures of her when she was a little younger.

She looked like that vampire demon from Let Us In or whatever the fuck. A little scary. Let the right one in. She's a suspect. What is it called? Let the right one in. Let the right one in. I'm thinking of a Spike Lee collab. Oh, right. Let the right one in the right one in but i'm thinking of a spike

league collab all right let the right thing in do the right thing in yeah yeah but this german bisexual you let like an angry italian pizza owner into your house and he just destroys everything and he lives in a coffin during the day yeah

all right so this this bisexual jewish girl aspire to be a pyromaniac and create fires and watch the you know the fires happen where people are burning as the ambulance showed up yeah but her mother found out and she's like hey you can set fire to food uh-huh you know and then uh then you can make people happy you know and uh she's like you can set fire to things that are dead yeah and she's like well buildings aren't alive and she's like yeah but they have alive people in them so let's learn how to cook a leak and just like that potential serial killer averted averted great job mom that's knowing your kid it's like dexter dad. And now she's 30 and flirty.

I don't want to... I don't mean this negatively. I don't know that I should say this. She just reminds me of 30. Oh, yeah. Okay. She is very 30 years old. And it kind of bums me out because 30 is not great.

I guess the C-Rats just make me sad. Yeah. You know what I mean? I'll say this, Dylan. A little personal patty here. The two years leading up to 30, I was so goddamn depressed. We'll sing the song now. What is that?

It's personal patty, personal patty, personal patty. Kaelin? Time. Okay. Personal Patty, Personal Patty, Personal Patty. Kaelin? Time. Okay. 28, miserable. 29, miserable. Then I turned 30 because I put all this, like, things that I needed to accomplish by then.

And then by the time I was 32, I was like, who gives a shit? I made it past that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, yeah, 30s, there's a lot of pressure on people. Yeah, a lot of pressure and when you're fleeing from that to the uh middle of the goddamn ocean it only ratchets up much like death it will find you eventually well speaking of fleeing how about uh laura from uh the country uh called lapia incorrect where is she from? Latvia. Oh, Latvia. Oh, because I looked it up and I was like, what's this Latvia country about? Turns out all they produce there is dog bowls.

What? Because dogs lap water up. I'm so mad. They spit my lip. I'm so upset. But that's why she needed to get out of there, man. I mean, like... It's the only gig in town. A marathon's length to get there.

Over 26 miles to get there. Oh, Al, Latvia. All right. So yes, Laura does arrive. Her head is rubbed. The sign of her head is rubbed by a she is just like welcome and just she's for people. She's so sweet and Luke starts in already. This guy's gonna this guy's gonna make me he's gonna try me. Yeah, you think so? Yeah, it's the same reason. I don't like boy crazy

women. I don't like guys that are just like everything is pussy. Okay, it's everything is pussy. Okay. So it's like, dude,

fucking what the fuck are you referring to is, uh, how he says how he, uh, gets, uh, I'm referring to how him saying him flirting with people is going to increase morale. Well,

he says walking around on the boat with his balls out does that. So I understand why you'd be upset by that. He wants to walk around nude in the nude. Did he say that? Yeah. Yeah why you'd be upset by that. He wants to walk around nude, in the nude. Did he say that? Yeah, yeah. That's what brings up morale, he said. Is this a Lappia thing? No, no, no.

This is a direct quote from this idiot. All right. Let's meet the rest of the cast. First up is Adam, who is a dumbass. Well, he had bad grades, so a teacher helped him become a sea rat. So there's a lot more behind that story, you know? Well, he usually works on cargo ships with old men who chain smoke and the

sounds of probably people in said crates banging, but you cannot open them or you will be killed. So he's ready to kind of let loose. Cause that's a stressful work environment. Yeah. Yeah. Especially it must be tough to work in an industry where everything that it involves terrifies you. He's scared of water. He's scared of

water and we'll get to that in a moment. The lanky scuba nerd is up next. Harry? More on him later. I think when they gave the teaser, I think he's the one that gets fired, by the way. Yeah, I think so too. All right. So crew meeting because we've got to threaten to fire everyone

and talk about Vlad and Dima. You haven't mentioned the name of the boat yet. Sun Mountain. Northern Sun. Sorry. Northern Sun. I love that song. Northern Sun.

Who is that? Texas Sun. Texas Sun. Who sings that? Is that Leon Bridges? It's Leon Bridges with Karanga Band. Great song. Oh.

Have it on vinyl because, you know, we do that Silver Lake thing where we're like, come over for wine. We'll put on some records. We'll put on a Leon Bridges record. I got a better idea. How about I stay home? I'll beat off. I'll go into the room of my wife with a bottle of wine and we'll watch date like God

damn that sense. Oh my God fucking just crushing chicken tacos from Paquito Moss and masturbating that is disgusting. All right, so our first meeting, our first meeting

all joking aside, he's not quite as uh fraudulent or intense as lee is but he is pretty intense he's like uh you know i'm so glad you brought that up all right so i'm i don't want to skip to the end obviously because we're gonna kill some more time here but uh i wish lee was the kill some more time or passionately and comedically recap below deck. Dan, the latter. Yeah. I wish Lee was on the back of that boat when someone said, I'm the captain now. And then the second person said, you're a bitch.

Yeah. I would have loved to see Captain Lee handle that. Yeah. How do you think he would have handled it? I think he would have just went up to the bridge and started driving the boat back to the dock and then smashed it into the dock. Yeah. Going through the front window because this is in fact the end of his life. Right, right, right.

But were he to survive that incident, him and Hot Captain, Rack of Lamb Hot Captain would be like, it's crazy. You can't stop the thing. You're in that moment, Lee's like in that moment. You're like, it's going to stop, but I'm not going to be the one that does it. And Captain's like, I know.

Same fucking crazy. These two are dangerous. Totally. All right. Totally. We are in cans. we get some seer at history um harry is an adventure rap luke uh and you stop me whenever you need sure um and i should do actually ask you to do meanwhile actually my own thank you um so adventure rap rap. Luke is just so

much so soon. He says two down. Let's do it. And then he starts to kind of like fake punch like Raz. Harry Scoobinert. Don't pretend like you're punching

me. Right? We don't know each other yet we don't know each other that's like the drunk guy at the bar who's like you into her huh you into her it's like yeah it's my wife please don't touch me all right so um laura we get a little C-Rat history on her as well. Yeah, so in a one-table restaurant, but COVID killed that. Yeah, and some would argue the marketplace killed it, but COVID didn't help. So it's like, we can't run a business like this.

We can only turn this table over twice in a dinner service. It's one table. She's like, well, let's see. And then the pandemic comes. She's like, COVID killed my business. Thank God I had that excuse. Never mind. So we have a no service area.

What's going on? Why did I write that note down? Okay. So in the kitchen. All the equipment's old in the kitchen. All right. So let's get in this kitchen. All right.

Provision show up. Who gives a shit? I do appreciate that hot captain Jason helps out with provisions. I think Captain Sandy used to do that and Glenn does that as well. Captain Lee never did that for obvious reasons. He's lame. Well, that's not the obvious reason. The obvious reason is that he's at an age where falls kill.

Right. Yeah. Going to your own 80th birthday party kills. Yeah. Surprise! Oh! Yeah. And then you shit yourself.

This kitchen, Dylan, you know, a surprise lunch could kill. We got your favorite. Oh. Oh. I told you we shouldn't have brought on the kebab. He loves it too much.

He never eats it. I said he was going to flip out the garlic sauce. He did. It killed him. Okay. This kitchen was designed, Dylan, if we go back to the history of the boat, to serve bread and

soup three times a day to 59 fishermen. Not even soup. It's just broth. I can't believe they did this to these people. Not to facilitate 10 course platings. It's so below deck. All right. I can't believe they did this to these people. Not to facilitate 10-course playdates. Right.

It's so below deck. Yeah. All right. So we have a big thing to get to. Oh, I think I know where you're going with this. It's the first of the season. So let's hope our young knight does well. I think he will, Dylan.

Of course he will. It's a new season. It's a fresh start. He's officially, he's not mid-season. I don't know when he started with us, but I think it's time. Let's watch him mount his steed and ride into battle because it is time for the

Preference Shape Meeting! Charter number one. Charter number one. Seven guests. The primary is Carmen Felder. She's a retired Air Force veteran turned founder and CEO of her own PR firm. She's the primary.

She's the primary. I know this is the seventh one. He called the captain a bitch and jumped back in the ocean. I want to point this out. So I hadn't caught this again. Forgive me for breaking the rules here. Okay. Like Carmen is the one that told Crystal she had something in her teeth.

I can't remember who it was, but I'm doing the math here. So that's interesting that Crystal, I think you're actually incorrect. You do. Yeah. Okay. You may continue. But what were you going to say, though? If there's a hierarchy of who actually charted this motherfucker and you are, in fact, a guest.

Yeah. When your friend or whatever says you have something in your teeth you don't say don't do that to me right now yeah well i mean uh that depends on if you want to have the kind of friend circle excuse me where you lord over your monetary wealth um you're not that kind of guy i am not sir no i can't believe that that is you're taking that defense of crystal crystal is a truly awful person oh no no no, no, no, no. I'm not defending her at all. I'm not defending her at all.

I am 100% correct. Go ahead, Caleb. Carmen is bringing along her best friend, Brandon, along with her other friends that work in investments and real estate firms. Yeah. Sorry, let me just get my tits back in the... Let me just cover up my titties real quick. The primary wants to be greeted with a lemon drop martini,

champagne for her guests, and a mocktail for Crystal, who doesn't drink. Yeah. That was fun. Oh, it was fun with Kermit mocking fake vegetarians and fake drunks. Yeah, I love fake drunks. They're so funny. I can handle myself.

It's vacation. They want to experience the seawalker helmet diving over the Green Island. Can't wait to talk about it. I would never do that. Can't wait to talk about it. Oh, that sub exploded. I don't need this experimental bullshit. You ain't getting me in that fucking helmet.

Patrick, it's three feet underwater. I don't care, man. My head would implode. Technology, it's not been proven yet. Why don't you come swimming? No, care, man. My head would implode. Technology, it's not been proven yet. Why don't you come swimming? No, no, no. That ocean thing exploded going for the Titanic. No, no, no.

We're snorkeling, Patrick. I'll take a margarita. I'll wait for my friends. Maybe half of them will make their way back. Yeah. Would you rather go skiing or scuba diving? I don't like the cold. I won't go there either.

No, but you have to pick. I can't. I'll drink a margarita. Somebody get me a margarita. I'm way too scared of the cold and the water. It's so crazy. You just take the most extreme example of the environment, and you go, I can't do it.

Have you seen the Revenant? I'm not going up there. It's too cold, way too cold. Next thing you know, you got a fucking bow an hour through your fucking head. You got some. You got some rival who killed your family. I'm not doing that. It's too cold. I even like pelts. All right, go ahead. Yeah. All right.

Night one. They want to fine dine on a seafood extravaganza. Cheugy horse shit. Yeah, she pulled it off, though. Yeah, she did. And night two, the guests want to move on. Rouge theme party. They also want the crew to join in and form the can can.

Okay. That's it. That's it. That ends the preference. That concludes the preference sheet That's it? That ends the preference sheet meeting? That concludes the preference sheet meeting. Oh, that concludes the preference sheet meeting. All right. So had he not, I mean...

He just needed to end it properly, but I think he did a great job. Yeah, no, he did a good job, but who's the woman that blew her Achilles out and she still stuck the landing? Oh, I remember that. You were talking about 1994 Olympics. Yeah, yeah oh that was amazing right so if kaylin had done that but not landed it in a at about of just athletic heroism but rather like tore the other one that would be the

kind of the landing but crazy tricks in the air and whatnot i'm gonna give it 81 pops well we'll see in four years you got another shot in four years. Yeah. All right. Where the hell are we? Oh, yeah. Oh, okay. So Zarina takes pride in going through all the preference sheets

and with a fine-tooth comb, I think. Was it Nancy Kerrigan or was that the? No, she was the ice skater. No, there was a girl because Saturday Night Live completely spoofed. Every shot was her captain, the cat a coach oh yeah carrying her around with her leg bandage it turns out like she'd go to a coffee shop but he was still carrying her around yeah i love that that's a great idea for a sketch yeah that's a coke sketch he hired that uh doctor that just got charged with 60 uh things on a serious note a a sad note as well. I think he was implicated in that.

Oh, Lair Bear? You're talking about Lair Bear? Yeah. Yeah, Lair Bear's having a tough time in prison. I think he just got stabbed seven times. Good. Okay, where was I going with that? Oh, her suitcase hasn't arrived. Let's stop talking about pedophilic

abuse. Yeah, we have a fun show about sea rats and incompetence being thrust upon them. So definitely Laura's not from a country called Latvia. No, no, no. She's from a country called Latvia, which was part of the USSR. And, you know, depending on which way the geopolitical, uh, wind blows might be back in the USSR very, very soon. Who knows though? Um, all right.

So she is not an innocent or sweet girl. Yes, she is. Now, let me tell you this. Sure. I think she was saying that she went to go, uh, we'll get to it, uh, to an outfit change. I think she, uh she was taking a shit. That's fine. But she is also a hard worker, and she's bringing the right attitude to below-deck Della.

She's ready to have a good time. Yeah, listen, I thought she killed it at the end of the episode. Absolutely. All right, so let's get to what we were talking about in the beginning of the episode, and that is Contact Gate. Hot captain. Rack a dick hot captain. If they haven't had sex, they will have sex. Do you really think so?

I do. I think that's intellectually lazy. You do? All right, I'll say this. I'll say this. So we had on a thruple with Colin, Gary, and Daisy. Eventually, you let down your guard, and you're going to start fucking somebody.

Yeah. If it's not going to be Kermit, I think Captain Jason has it in him in a later season to actually be having sex with a subordinate. I think that they're both thinking about it. Okay. More so him, because I do think that she really loves her boyfriend.

But, you know, sometimes you go into bed and you dance through the tulips a little bit. You think about banging that hot rack of dick captain up there. You know, oh, you need help with the other lens? No problem. Oh, how did my shoes come off? You took them off with your teeth? That's gross. And then you start like having sex

that's how it happens that's how it happens all right so um the oh we get a little uh sea rat history yeah yeah this is i and i i say this lovingly um dumbass adam um is talking about how he a man is somebody who provides for his family. Well, I think that was a little shade towards old Papa. You know what I mean? Yeah. Because he says that's what men do. Yeah. Except they didn't do it for you.

So I think that's a shot towards Papa. Easy, Adam. We got plenty of Sea Rat season for you to fill us in on how horrible your childhood was. Okay, buddy? Jesus Christ. All right. So we get a big getting ready montage and that is when the guests arrive asia and a spongebob squarepants kind of moment tears her skort and then we get the flutes and the mocktails ready now carmen is an indecisive, so she's thrown away any and all dates and chips that she's received.

You're talking about Crystal. You refer to her as Carmen. No, Carmen. Oh, Carmen. Carmen's the one that didn't want the mocktail. I think so. Nah, it's Crystal all the way. Is it Crystal?

Yeah. Either way, one of them, and apologies for not getting the details right. We just had a lot of below deck to watch this week. And I want to say this, Dylan. Look, when you're paying a lot of below deck to watch this week. And I want to say this, Dylan. Look, I don't care. When you're paying a lot of money, you deserve great service. And I've said, and I would do this

if I get to grace the bow of one of these boats someday. If I'm getting not the treatment I feel I deserve, I'll take a dump on the front of the boat. Right, but you're not going to be rude like this. No. When Crystal had said that she was i don't know i guess immediately entering the vote she leaves the program and orders a lemon drop or something like that yeah yeah and then when the drink is not handed to her in an appropriate manner she

begins doing the i'm on vacation yeah yeah crystal you and brandon uh or carmen whoever it was i don't want you to be eaten by sharks, but I want them to graze your leg just to scare you a little bit because you're a horrible human being. All right, let's get to feuding almost instantaneously over the rooms. But luckily for them, one of the great charcuterie boards in human history. I mean, we've not seen a charcuterie board quite like this since, I don't know, when Versailles was kind of like a hip place to go.

Yes, yes, yes. I don't think Caesar had a charcuterie this large. No. If he did, maybe the pig would take up too much space. Back when Versailles was just fucking Michael McDonald and the rest of the studio guys just fucking hanging out. Have we seen a charcuterie board like this? And I felt this throughout the entire night.

It's pretty wasteful as well, by the way. If you saw it, it was half eaten and then the sea rats pick at it like fucking pigeons. The sea rats pick at it like it's carrion. And you don't need a split open open passion fruit there but again we're trying to impress these people and impressed they are not they really take this for granted and just begin shoveling the nitrate meats into their fucking cram holes or whatever you call them um all right so um the boat oh my god one propeller all right so so as is customary with below deck we have to have borderline um illiterate incompetent people uh running the vessels at least one or two um but you also need a vessel that is, by all regulatory highways and byways,

ill-fit to be piloted by anyone, especially somebody who has already killed and maimed numerous people in a crash in this exact longitude and latitude. Can I tell you something? When you look at this boat that has been converted into a luxury yacht, says Kermit. Wes Anderson's not so cute in the real world, is he? If I brought my wife on this vacation, as we entered the dock to see the boat

that we would have been chartering, my wife would be tearing up. Not out of joy. Right. But out of embarrassment and sadness. Right. This boat is pathetic. It looks like it could have like one of those fucking, I don't know, fucking missile launchers.

It's more closer to getting ready for war than it is for luxury. It's like a crude nuclear-powered Chinese outfit. That's my point. They keep spitting those things out. They can't sell vacations on this thing. Right. But they do.

It's still below deck. All right. So this is Laura Gate. Laura is no. Oh, no. Well, first we have to get to dumbass who is scared of the water. Oh, yeah. to dumbass who is scared of the water.

Oh, yeah. But he was shrewd enough because he's from Brooklyn to tip the swimming instructor. Wink, wink. A Benjamin. Pass me. Yeah. That's not going to help him a whole lot if this vessel goes down. No, it will not.

And if someone has to pass licensure kind of gauntlets to get to a commercial status, and listen, no system's perfect, but to have a swimming instructor this apathetic to the lives of the people that are going through the training, I mean, it's quite a blemish. And it's something that needs to get looked at. $20?

There is not a maitre d' at Sizzler that you can tip $20 to get through this easily. And not only that, Dylan, this whole skipping the line or passing. It's one thing to pay some instructor to take your SAT score so you get into Harvard. Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah, right. It's another one to make it look like you know how to swim yeah yeah yeah alissa myers and there's just some asian kid

you're alissa myers oh yeah yep all right everybody you're gonna break in 14 hours we'll see then uh all right so um laura is nowhere to be found her walkie is not working and it looks like we've got another magdalena on our hands here laura has a very snooty attitude about where she was she has to do her hair She has to do her hair. She has to do her makeup. It is going to take time, much like Lana Del Rey at Glastonbury. Exactly. But she does not have her set blown out. She does, in fact, look good,

and she will, in fact, do a dinner service and kill it. Right. But also, this is not a beauty pageant. You are literally wiping up feces. So let's speed up the process. Miss congeniality. Great point. All right. The most captain thing ever.

Hot captain. Rack of lamb, hot ass fucking captain. rack of lamb, hot ass fucking captain. Favorite food is a pickle, a cashew, and a block of cheese. Hey, buddy, how do you think he escapes those fucking lamb chops? Okay. Yeah. What?

What would we refer to lamb? So lunch is served. What would we do? Go get it is my note the note says what would we do go get it what could i have possibly been talking about uh well i we're gonna was that referring to zarina recollecting a story where she prepared lunch and then oh thank you pat god i love you yes of course that's she she recounts a story where why don't you take it away you deserve it well uh she was really excited to uh serve lunch and then uh some paying customer just threw it against the fucking wall yeah and then uh yeah some co-workers helped pick it up and she was really embarrassed and that's exactly what we would do if we were served

any of kiko's food or anything like that. We would throw it overboard. I'd definitely do it if I was served nachos with corn on it. Well, cold corn does not belong on nachos. And you have to have melted cheese on nachos. It can't just be chips in a casserole dish with tomatoes and corn poured on top. Hi, it's Sandy. Are you serving those?

Yeah. Oh, okay. Let me ask's Sandy. Are you serving those? Yeah. Oh, okay. Let me ask you something. Are you homosexual? I miss the Russian spy. That's relevant. All right. Mahi Mahi and really no info on said fish. Very disappointed in Bravo. We know that the food is an important part of the show. Let's get into the food a little

bit more, but I understand it is the first episode. Let's get into the food a little bit more but i understand it is the first episode let's get to crystal aka chrissy aka the queen of the universe aka someone who has shit on her face and someone who needs a good friend to tell her that she has shit on her face now this little remark as we'd think it would just be a throwaway thing, perhaps a little uncomfortable moment between two friends, it puts the entire party into a spiral. Right, a total spiral, and it

is one of those comments where it's so innocuous, dare I say helpful, and altruistic, but it's such a nothing that it would be, oh, thank you, or oh, laughter, but not with Queen of the Universe. Oh, no, no, no. Do you tell Thanos he's got spinach in his teeth?

No. You'll get zapped into, you know, the, I don't know, the nothing zone or whatever. Are you my wife? And then when I'm having a good time feeling myself at a restaurant with friends there, say, do you dye your beard today? Because I know where you're going with that, Sheree. You're mocking me.

That happened at Laurel Tavern? It happened at another engagement. Yeah. I know what she was trying to do. You were pretty hammered this week. I was trashed, as I should be. It was really fun. Thank you, pal.

God, I love when Pat gets hammered. He turns into Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. He's just... He becomes Jonathan Van Ness. You want to quote me? Yeah, let's do this. We walk into Pat's event, and Pat comes up to my wife and I,

and he says, Guys? And he kind of wipes down his body. And I go, what are you doing? He goes, pretty hot, huh? Looking pretty hot, huh? And CeCe says, yeah, no, you look great, Pat. And he goes, couple fans said I had a hot little body.

All right, guys, there's sangria over there if you want. And then you literally just beelined away from us all right now all right so i want to say this well crystal gets the whole party fighting with each other kermit mentions she can't believe these people can be arguing this much in a beautiful country on a super yacht yeah now it's worth mentioning only one of those things are correct. Right. The walls of the interior of this vessel are wood paneling. This is what your annoying husband puts on his walls

in his quote-unquote man cave. Right, right, right. It's not a place for a luxury yacht. Yeah, no. It looks like a place where snails would be on the walls fucking gross so anyways uh we get to the seawater helmet diving thing nope yeah no i know the reason why i would say no is just because this is the worst part about ocean shit like I'm fine you know having my

own agency kill me or let me guide through the water I don't want to be in a shallow pool of water with some 20,000 leagues under the sea kind of fucking helmet on my head and have all these little fucking mackerels just coming

up and biting my nipples and shit like I don't want that how about an eel or something i want to see the eel swimming in the corals underneath and when i do i'll go time for me to get out yeah but the turtles the whale sharks i want i want to the whale sharks would it would be cool if they were swimming around you but still very i'd also argue though I get the whole thing. I think they canceled that show, the adventure version of Below Deck. Good. This one, Down Under, they're going to, at least every episode, is going to have them going on some kind of quote-unquote excursion. Oh, that's cool.

And Captain Jason will have that fucking, I don't know, that bow and arrow gun that he fucking blows into a fucking Stingrays asshole. Stingrays are like, hey, I was fucking here just minding my own asshole. Hey, I was fucking here. Yeah, just minding my own business. Yeah, and then you come down here. Yeah, with whatever that thing is, and you shot me. The stingrays like, hey, let me ask you something.

When did your people get here? He's like, oh, I don't know, like a couple hundred years ago. Yeah, well, try a couple million, buddy. Okay, I am, but you know because i think i deserve a little respect is what what i'm saying is the stingray has like a rhode island kind of elitism to him and he's he's like way out of line way out of line way out of line all right so um serena i love has this these bands she's just got theseants she says um you know she mocks them

for having their first beer and when asia almost walks into her in the kitchen she goes uh almost kiss me there you're gonna have to explain that to your boyfriend just great bants i love it you know um so asia gets a little gas lit here by uh the latvian spy i think um she one table restaurant i mean come on give us a better cover story there even um she says okay you can take a break if you want and she goes you thought i wanted a break and as she goes oh my god you are so amazing this is the woman that said i'm gonna take as long as i need to do my fucking makeup all right we'll see where this goes she's a crafty one right now i'll say i i don't know where i stand with laura um all right so dinner is tiger prawns oysters crabs captain jack of all trades comes in and says i'll i'll boil some

shellfish i love that he did that. Yeah, me too. It endears him. The dinner is certainly a seafood extravaganza. We've got everything. We've got lobster tails. We've got the crab. We've got all the food that you can get,

you know, better on like red lunch table trays. Like if you're really going to eat the food, I, I, anyway, I, I just, it's so fucking,

how many times have we done the seafood extravaganza thing? It is lame, but I will say this. We don't appreciate it, but you know who appreciates it less is the people. Oh, the two dudes say, fuck this.

Cause Brandon starts getting really wasted. Yeah. And then I guess, uh, what's her face? Crystal, she's passed out at this point. She'll revive herself later and have a sink. She gets a second wind, like Uma. I love how she's going to be on different time zones than the rest of the people on the boat. I bet they'd love that.

Oh, she wakes up at 10. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's like Doctor Who. All right. So, yes, we somehow get into another fight. up at 10 yeah yeah yeah she's like doctor who all right so we yes we somehow get into another fight and then Laura gives us a quote where she is ready to fall in love on a boat you and I

have watched the show long enough to know that that is quite literally an impossibility dare I'd say mission yeah she's looking for a husband we've seen it though we've seen a baby sea rat come out of we have seen a baby sea rat with an absentee father. Deadbeat Dads. Call Tom Likas.

Deadbeat Dads. Yes! 1-800. So, Champagne is asked, we round out the episode with Brandon getting up and just being a drunk little bad boy. Bad Brandon. He's a drunk little bad boy. Bad Brandon. He's a drunk little bad boy right now.

The only thing I would have done differently, I know the interior was trying to be nice, I would have said, I'm sorry, we can't serve you. Well, I thought that his, for as snooty and bitchy as they were the entire time, I don't know why he's apologizing to Aisha. It's like 12 o'clock at night. Because he wants a drink. That's why.'s apologizing to Asia. It's like 12 o'clock at night. Because he wants a drink. That's why.

Get me a fucking drink. You don't have to be rude about it, but you also don't have to be apologetic. Let's find a middle ground. You're paying for the vacation. It's 12. I want a drink. Now, okay.

So this was obviously the best part of the episode, in my opinion. It's worth mentioning, which we did not talk about, that Captain Hotpants had talked with his bosun earlier, and he wanted him to keep a guy up all what kind of call was this from luke it was an odd one but and this is gonna bite him in the ass oh yeah soon we'll see in the next day because as laura is left as the only security

guard slash work or whatever we have crystal and brandon uh ask if they can go swim laura politely says no and i love how laura handled this she was a badass yeah total badass but polite and i think professional because you have to be stern um and she alerted them paying customers remember this is going to reflect on the tip so it's counterintuitive to how you're going to talk to people that you're hoping they give you a big fucking envelope of money said now i'm gonna have to alert the captain yeah and i i have we only saw this well we didn't even see this uh this kind of behavior we saw an old uh gross white woman jumping and captain lee had to yell at her and uh threaten the vessel uh be turned around yeah she was but i haven't seen drama like this since season one, episode one with eyelash Johnny.

Yeah. Who was doing blow all night. Anyway, Crystal announces she's the captain now when captain comes out and Brandon calls Captain Jason a bitch. I hate them both. I think they're assholes. You want a shark to graze up on them. Just graze them.

Maybe bite an arm off. Oh, wow. You know, you can die for that kind of thing. Well, yeah, possibly. You know, you can die from that kind of thing. Well, yeah. Possibly. But I love the first episode. Great first episode. I think the night's going to end and then it's going to be

down with the whip where the next day they both apologize to Hot Captain. I think so too and I hope not for our sake. But we'll see you next week. It's a TBC kind of episode to kick the season off. Kick the season off with aiding your favorite below deck podcast. Go on the iTunes ratings and reviews. Leave five stars.

Leave kind words. If you're on the YouTube, comment, comment, comment, subscribe. Join us on Patreon for more and follow us everywhere on the socials. We love you guys very much. I'm Dylan saying goodbye. Kalen, say goodbye. Later. Pat, say goodbye. Later, dudes! Bye! Love