Another Below Deck Podcast - Clear Balls and Four Stairwells | The Valley S3 E11

Episode Date: June 14, 2026

Dylan and Pat are back to break down love, stairs, balls, crutches, crystals, second chances, alliances and more from Bravo's The Valley.PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/anotherpodcastnetwork  YOUTUBE: https://www.youtube.com/@badtvpod  INSTAGRAM: https://www.instagram.com/badtvpodcast/?hl=en   

Forgive me, Zach should have no hesitation about this whatsoever. Your boyfriend is going to be thrown out of the country. That's my fucking point. Even when it's the potential outcome might be, you'll never see this person again. He's still like, yeah, I don't know about that. Wait, wait, wait, wait. So you're saying I'll never see him again and there's nothing can be done?

No, no, no. I mean, if you marry him, what's that involved? If I vote for Spencer Pratt, can he stay? And everything is all right. Hey, let's clean it up a little bit this episode, okay? You know what I'm talking about? What do you mean? You know what I'm talking about.

Don't say misogynist rude stuff. Yeah. Yeah. A lot of the audience is female. You know, I listen to some other shows where it's female-driven hosts, and they say some pretty demeaning stuff about guys. No, no. I understand that, but when, and it's a really, really, and it's an important thing to say, you know, when, when you see Brittany pre-imposed, it's kind of like one of those puzzles where you've got to spot the difference and it's very difficult. But let's clean it up. I agree. Dylan, if you were not seeing any difference after the operation, what you don't know is that there's a lot of swelling. Okay. I don't even want to get into this. All right. Go to Patreon.com slash the podcast network for Summerhouse. The reunion part three, the aftermath is coming.

next week. Then we're going to get into the city. Listen up, bitches. Also, the Real House Wives of Rhode Island finale coming soon, followed by a reunion, I assume. Three, I bet. So lots of fun stuff coming. Get in the comments. Let us know what you want us to watch, what you want us to love, what you want us to break it down. Let's get into our rotten hails. What did you think of this episode? I gave it two. You didn't like this episode? This is the worst show of all time. I hate it. this show. Oh my God. God, I hate these fucking people. When Zach and Jasmine sit down and order the two most sacrilegious incarnations of the martini, I'm just like, what are we doing here? You don't like an

espresso martini? I like an espresso martini, but if Zach orders an espresso martini, I do not like an espresso martini. Zach could order a negroni. I'd be like, you know what, these things are done. I hear you. He's a pretty unlikable guy. Extremely. By the way, he keeps professing how much he loves Benji. So marry him. Mariam. Mariam, you fucking loser. I know there's some ugly stuff happening with these laws and whatnot. But you keep saying you want to have kids with this little guy. He's going to get tossed out of the country. The one thing that can keep him here is marrying him. H1B, have a conversation with Benji. Okay. Go, listen, I want you to stay in the country, but I also want to do poppers and slam other people. Yeah, it'll be okay. Have

a conversation. You have all the leverage. She's going to get kicked out of the country. You're adults. You know, these, my friend, Jeff, he was, I used to love hanging out with him, especially, he lived right in West Hollywood. His husband, Peter, these marriages between these guys is crazy. He used to brag about beating the shit out of Peter. Oh. And I'd be, Jeff, you can't do that to Peter. That's, that's a small sample size. I, maybe. I think, you know, You know what I've heard is actually the lesbians are the ones that beat the shit out of each other. Real? That's what I've heard.

That's what the streets are saying. Get in the comments. Let us know. Well, anyway, Peter was a great guy. We are two gay dads, but we're not plugged in to the scene. Every Halloween, because they do this huge Halloween thing over in West Hollywood. Yeah. We'd set up over at Jeff and Peter's place.

Sure. Because Peter was in this group called the Dancing Tina's. And it was Tina Turner's. They'd get on roller skates. They were actually on the Oprah Winfrey show. Yeah, well, well, well, well, yeah, anyway, wild tangent. Kind of like a John Waters kind of thing, or was it more like a Tina thing? They all dressed up like Tina Turner and did this choreograph thing on roller skates.

Okay, got it. Yeah, I give it two rotten hells. Okay. I love a house party. So I, of course, loved being in the inner workings of Swartz's townhouse. Endless stairs. What is this, Cape Hatteras? Why are there so many fucking stairs?

Well, it's three stories. Four. Wow. And I have to tell you, his party, he didn't do a lot of work to set that up. I was looking over that chakouterie tray that was clearly bought at a local grocery store, possibly minutes before the party began. Have you seen the menu of Tom and Sandy's? That's an actual restaurant.

Not anymore. I think they had P.B. and J sandwiches on that thing. I bet it was those episodes that caused him to try and punch me in that parking lot at Petco that day. us met walking. Allegedly. I want to say that it was less of a casino table and more of a tablecloth. That Petco is very sad, I've got to say.

The one on Ventura Boulevard and Coldwater? Yeah. You walk in, there's just cats. Mm-hmm. There you go, poor things. Hope somebody gets one. Then you look to the left, there's just fish. Mm-hmm.

And you keep walking, and there's just rats. Guinea pigs. Well, there's also rats and mice because you've got to feed snakes. You know these snake people. I go, get me out of here. You got automatic feeders for $600. No one works there. Everyone has gout.

I'm leaving. It's true. No one does work there. Yeah. You walk into those places. Hello. Hello. Hello.

Hello. Hey. Can I get some food? Food. Right, right, right. And then you go up to you finally see someone, right? and they're on fentanyl. And you go, I really am quite illiterate when it comes to what's good for my animal,

what I don't want in my food, what I'm actually on my break. I know. It's like they light up a cigarette in your face in the store and they walk away. Oh my God, is that weed? Yeah. This one's great. They point to fucking I-ums. You go, I don't know.

I think that one's not good. No, it's good. By it. Service has gotten better. Okay. We got to get into this show. All right, sure. Okay.

I loved. the party. I thought it was fun. Jesse is such a pathetic character, renting and Aston Martin and then insisting on parking it in Swartz's parking spot. I don't know what was more pathetic. Doing that or that cheese platter on that. And then checking in on his wife, see why she was upset. So let her go. Let her fly. Oh, yeah. That's how they- Michelle look. Gorgeous. I thought all the cast, female cast, looked amazing. Michelle looked great.

Lacey looked great. Her face didn't look like it was ready to crumble and fall off. What else happened here? Yeah, I'm just, I enjoy this season. This show's horrible. All right, I'm going to give it 14 turkey sandwiches. Bumps! Sorry.

14. Speaking of Petco, Lola Pearl and Monroe. Monroe is a vile animal, but it doesn't matter. I'm happy that he's happy. We're at Brits' house. Janet and Lala head over to Brittany's house with a bag of pasta, and we learn about how Jason hasn't been at the house. Brandon.

Brandon hasn't been at the house while Brittany is incapacitated. Cool. Well, he's an unreliable caretaker, and I mean, who saw that coming? Yeah. Doesn't he have three fucking kids with three different baby mamas? Yeah, no, and he is the epitome of responsibility. He has a wicked fucking cheese-it addiction that he can't afford. Okay.

I need 40 bucks. I'm jonesing. I like a la la later in the episode. She's like, she needs to work on herself. Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, you think? Anybody who's sucking down crab

the night before major surgery needs to look inward. It's not appropriate. What are you doing? Is sucking down spicy, fucking fish broth the night before. Well, it's neither here nor there. Janet and Lala, no, well, let's get to the farmer's market. Um, oh yeah. We keep looking at this fucking pickle stand. I've been there. It's $50 for a thing of pickles spheres. And if you want to get a flight of those three with fucking flaming hot Cheetos on top, guess how much those three pickles cost? Uh, $20. $20.

Not each, but for the three. Three pickles. Pickles. $20. Got it. Um, Kristen and Luke meet up with Lacey and Jesse. Kristen loves pickles. She's like, oh, fuck. It's going to be insulting, but who is the character in Spongebuck who comes in and lies about the pickles being under his tongue?

See, Bass? I'm not a fan of the show. Okay. Now we get back to Brittany. So we're going to bounce between... I'm wondering at this point, why we're bouncing back and forth? Why are we bouncing back and forth? They've got to make you think something's happening on the show. And something is happening. It is a conference of alignment. There are two conversations.

of allyship. About Danny Darko. Yes. Okay. So at Brits' house, Lala points out that Nia and Danny haven't been around, and they didn't add Janet to that meal train. Yes, that is a storyline.

And Britt notes that... Okay, really quickly. She started the meal train. You know how annoying it is to do a meal train? she did a meal train. And now we've got fucking Mee Ma'am going, she hasn't said anything to be public. She said anything made prep.

She started a meal train for you, okay? She's got four kids, Brittany. Clear your balls, have some beans and move on. Also, she left Janet out because she was terrified that she might show up with a Ziploc bag of spaghetti. Right. You're trash. Now, I want to mention Lala.

here because and everyone loves Lala. I don't. I don't think everybody does. I think I'm a rare lover of Lala. Are you kidding me? I went after Lala like three episodes again. Everyone came at me. Oh, really?

Oh yeah. Well. Lala has found her targets and that is Nia and Danny. Now, she entered it by going after Danny Darko for being drunk and being rude to Nia. And now she's kind of pivoted into grouping them as one. Yeah. Danny is a drunk and a mean drunk at that. Yeah, a little one. Nia is complacent in the drunk, uh, uh, Danny and also a liar. So now she's going for both of them. Yeah. And we got to kind of split the difference here, right? Because Lacey says that he's the best

dad she's ever seen. Well, that's impossible. I agree. We're at the pickle table, right? Yep. Well, yeah, they all concede that they've all been drunks as well. And Danny is an exceptionally obnoxious one, but not enough to make a main storyline out of for four, for two whole seasons. And I agree with him. Maybe not two whole seasons, but I would say that he's beyond obnoxious. He's, um, I get triggered by Danny. Danny reminds me of a very specific kind of drunk that is extremely annoying and very toxic. And can Jekyll hide very quickly from, uh, oh, he's just drunk to, oh, he smacked that girl on the ass.

Oh my God, he broke the gate down. You know, these things are not okay. Yeah. Oh, you're conjuring someone. Okay, so late. I was going to say, Jesse floats, sorry if I'm talking over, if I'm not making the same point as you are about to make.

But Jesse, I don't, I don't accept your apology. Forgive me, then I'll shut up. No, go ahead. Well, Jesse floats that it was a master plan of Jacks

and Brittany, when they were still together, to take Nea and Danny out for some reason on this show. And Jacks now is gone. And then Brittany must now completely, the mission. And, uh, like she's fucking finding Nemo or some shit. Like she's fucking Metal Gear Solid.

Yeah. And Kristen shoots down that idea as though it's, uh, it's a Jack's Coke conspiracy. It's an insane idea. Okay. It's just trying to like, it's like, um, I don't know, like being concerned about being a target of manipulation by a fucking homeless person. Like, I think you're giving them a little bit too much credit. here. He's just trying to wash your windows.

That's a bad analogy. No, no, no, no. I think he's trying to control my mind. Right. It's like that guy is, that guy thinks he's better than me. And he's planning to put me in an uncomfortable. No, nope, he's just, he's addicted to crack. Can I have $5? Oh, really? You start with that. You see what I'm talking about? And then you want to have sex with my wife and raise my children. Right, right, right.

I do want to say this, though, Dylan, and this is not the first that this has happened on reality. There is a hierarchy on television, and Jacks, I wouldn't put it past him to go like, he is really pretty, and she thinks she's better than me. And I don't want this little guy to think that he's going to be on this show long. I bet Jacks did. Jacks, yeah, but Brittany, I don't know. Hmm. I don't know.

Don't put it past these people to think, especially when negotiations are happening, like who's getting this kind of money, who's not getting. this kind of money. I'm just saying. Yeah, maybe. All right, let's get to the A team. Is this short stories? That's an actual business. This is Jasmine and Jack, Zach. Yeah. Yeah, she's pretty stressed about that. Get me out of here. Can you believe she said the wedding's going to be six figures? I wish Ruby was here because I was going to ask her how much that wedding cost because not six figures. I would assume because she's not dumb. But that wedding was about as perfect as a wedding can get in,

sure, in my mind. It was great speeches. There was mostly just friends and family there. I would say with a few exceptions, there was only people that were close with the family and friends. Yeah, but definitely not six figures. It was a wonderful evening. To have six figures,

that means there's extended family. There will be people. There's 300 people there. Okay. And it's an elaborate wedding. And it's just like. And that's stupid, especially if you're living in a shitty apartment in Van Nuys.

Yep. Yep. So let's just focus on the priority. It's like somebody getting a nice car when they live in a shitty apartment in Van Nuys. Or renting one. Right. Right. All right.

So Jasmine has an announcement. She says, I can't say this until we get a shot. And then she gets a shot. and she goes, I'm getting married and I want you to be involved. And Zach says, am I the maid of honor? And she says no. And we get a cutaway to him going, I'm so disappointed that I'm not the made of honor,

but I'm also really happy that I'm not the maid of honor because it's a lot of work. Then we cut back to her saying, I'm going to need you to do this work. Get me. What did we need to take shots for? I think she wants him to do a speech at the wedding. Okay. And we needed to rip a shot in order to ask that question? Quite an honor.

The fuck are we talking about? We get to more than negative side effects of immigration control. Trump is forcing a poochie out of the country. I don't know. He's forcing them to get married. Yeah. Can I say this is a guy thing to not want to get pushed into marriage? If this was a male and a female, and this was going on,

I don't want to sound like if this is coming off, misogynistic. Women have a way of kind of pushing a guy. And I think in a positive way into getting married. Because if it's left up to two dudes, they will never get married. Forgive me, Zach should have no hesitation about this whatsoever. Your boyfriend is going to be thrown out of the country. That's my fucking point. Yeah.

Even when it's the potential outcome might be, you'll never see. this person again. He's still like, yeah, I don't know about that. Yeah. Wait, wait, wait, wait. So you're saying I'll never see him again and there's nothing can be done? No, no, no. I mean, if you marry him, what's that involved? If I vote for Spencer Pratt, can he stay? Well, how do I, how do I, how do this? Well, you can just sign this paper at City Hall. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah, he's a, he's a nasty, nasty giant guy. Um, but we continue with him and little Danny. And it's the 10 anniversary of Danny and Nia's marriage and because of that he's going to get her a giant amethysts.

Gosh, I don't know where giant amethysts. I don't understand. I've never seen them successfully integrated into a room. They're always kind of like, oh, that's a giant amethyst or a giant fucking, it's a giant, I just haven't seen it pulled off. The only place they actually fit in is weird stores named Serendipity Store. Or the psychic guy. Or that.

Yeah. Yeah. A lot of amethysts at the psychic guy. Now, he's getting his balls chopped off. It's not chopped off. It's a vein that delivers the sperm to the thing. Ah, the semen. The semen, sorry.

Yeah. Which I've had of a mastectomy. Right. And he's giving a lot of misleading information. I looked it up because he's very concerned that Nia is going to be leaving and her mother-in-law is going to be leaving as well to help her take care. of young Adelaide, and that's going to leave him with the three children, and he is going to be bedridden. Actually, you do a quick goog. It's just ibuprofen. You're on your feet in the day. Okay. I'll give a personal story here. Okay. So I did it when I was 24, possibly 25. My girlfriend

at the time drove me there. She sat in the waiting room. It took about an hour. And that is such a good example, regardless of the comments you make about Brittany, not really looking anything different. you are a feminist because when you were 24 years old, you said, you know what, I'll do the birth control. Oh, yeah. Right. Well, there was a, I was dating this girl like three years earlier who was really into me to the point where whenever we'd have sex with a condom, she would call me at work and say,

I think I'm pregnant. Only because she wanted to keep me, scare the shit out of me. I would, she would get a pregnancy test. She did it twice. And I was like, I am, okay, this is nuts. This is nuts. But just just you're, you just. say, you don't, you think it's unfair for women to bear the burden of contraception as much as they do.

I would wear two condoms if I could. Right. Well, actually, two condoms is more unsafe than one. Oh, is it? Okay. Well, my point is I was always protected. I would never put it on a female to have to do that or whatever. Yeah, exactly.

Anyway. So I, when it was presented to me that I could never have children again and not worry about it for $5. as a co-pay with Kaiser Prevedente, me and two other dudes from North American Insurance, I took him up on it. And I went and got it. My girlfriend took me there. And I got it done in an hour. They zipped me up, you know, sewed me up.

And they said, you can't have sex for three days. I was so over the moon that I could have unprotected sex that my girlfriend and I had unprotected sex that night. Oh, no. Hey. Hi. You know that Michael Jackson. documentary just came out. It did.

You know what? What? You can't wind down and watch a salacious doc without a good blanket. I agree with you. Okay. Nothing makes sitting around and relaxing better than Lola blankets. I agree. I had that wrapped around me while I was watching that dock. You know, we've been getting up in the mornings. It's been chilly with the baby. We wrap ourselves up with a bottle and our child. We throw on whatever we've been watching lately, whether it's below deck. or a Bravo show and nothing completes that package more than a Lola blanket. It's like being in a cocoon.

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It's unbelievably soft, beautifully designed, and make sure home feel totally. cozy and curated, okay? This is not some blanket you won at a carnival game that you cannot display in your living room, okay? It's not a Dodgers blanket you got for being there three hours early, okay? This is quality stuff. All right.

For a limited time, our listeners will get 40% off select Lola Blankets products with code Bad TV at checkout. Just head to LolaBlankets.com and use code bad TV to get 40% of your order. After you purchase, this is very important. They're going to ask where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them that we sent you. Okay, wrap yourself in luxury with lollab blankets. I did not heed the warning. It was so amazing. And then about 15 minutes after the sex, I felt a pain that I had never felt before. And it lasted for about an hour of burning through that particular vein that had just been, I guess you, Oh my God.

Yeah. By the way, there were no 35 beating off, whatever the fuck that idiot has been talking about. But I did not also need any caretaking after I woke up the next morning and worked or whatever. I don't know what the hell these people are talking about. Yeah, Danny's bugging out. He, yeah, Zach starts talking about the birthday party that he's going to throw. And it's going to be an alcoholic party. He goes, by the way, you didn't drink at my party last night.

No. No, I didn't. Not at all. If by not drinking, you mean slamming six ounces of Buffalo Soldier, then yeah, I know I didn't drink. No. I have a drinking problem at all. Let's get to Tom's. We meet Gordo, vile animal.

Again, I'm happy that the creature has a home, but some of these dogs are just disgusting. Now, Tom wants to throw at James Bond party. And we get to a talking head with Tom, and I'm very confused why he is in a kind of perma puff. it's the the poptheist of his face he's been drinking all night okay okay

yeah yeah it's drinking all night that's that's why your face looks like um you know I hate his guts um yeah so but I want to talk about the other thing that looks really shitty

his place looks like a dude uh in his mid 50s lives there uh that's recently divorced, which kind of tracks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's dirty. There's random crap everywhere, and the furniture looks like Stevie Wonder arranged it.

Like there's a couch back up to the barbecue. It's, it just looks horrible. Yeah. By the way, that girl that he's dating that he's in love with, if she hasn't already dumped him or they're broken, like, I'd be shocked by this. Yeah, she can't be a real model if she's with Schwartz. Now, Jacks lives there. By the way, also, one last note.

Either if you looked during Swartz's interview, rewind at people if you want to go back. Either he needs a new razor or she put two hickeys on his neck, on his right side. Oh, really? He's got two red hickies. I love a hickie. Not when you're 43. No, no, no, no, no. Heaven's no.

So remember, Jax lives there. And Tom's going to be inviting Brittany. Right now, Jacks. But he's going to be out of town, so it's okay. Now, Tom tells Lala about the. incredible conversation they had with Danny who is in a drunk the other night. And Tom said, Danny is a great guy. He just needs to hide the fact that he's a drunk a little bit better to get people

off of his back, right? And Lala is sitting there just amazed at the stupidity that is barreling out of Tom's mouth towards her. I will not be gaslit by the PR campaign being waged by the. Allied powers behind Nia and Danny. No, it is not the biggest deal in the world. He does not have delirium tremens. But he is a, he's an alcoholic, and he's not a fun drunk, okay?

And if you're not a fun drunk, you can't be getting drunk at this age, okay? It's just not okay. It's not that he's not a fun drunk. He's an obnoxious drunk. Right. Okay. But I also want to say this. And now something you said there just triggered finally what I don't like about Lala.

she's on her sober journey. She's on a, a seltzer kick or whatever the hell she was, a seltzer water kick. Yeah. That's annoying. A sober person that is judgmental about drunks. Right.

If you're working the program, you're not judgmental about drunks. You're empathetic towards drunks. Right. Right. There's grace issued, not judgment. And she was more fun when she was a drunk.

By the way, I was just speaking to a dear friend of mine who's worked the program. And he said, you know, unfortunately, recently fell off the wagon. And the one thing that he didn't touch was booze. And he didn't touch the booze because he's never had a problem with booze because he hasn't ventured there. He knows from years and years of Alcoholics Anonymous, booze. booze is bad. When you see people who are real, I mean real drunks. Oh, what it does to their face.

Oh my God. It's bad. Their walk? Yeah. You know a drunk when you, like a real drunk when you see one. You're like, oh, wow. It's kind of a, you would think that heroin so bad. But it really is a 1A1B heroin and booze.

Worst things. Sometimes Bruises. Former heroin addicts, sometimes they look more lively as they get old. Yeah, they rebeard. They're gaunt.

They have those Jesus ribs. Look at the rolling stones. Right. Mc Jagger is tooting out the last all over the stage. All right. So let's get to another fucking random hangout.

The ladies are getting ready to go to Tom's Casino Royale Rager. And, um, Brittany is talking to, to Lala and Janet about. She gives us a little insight into the things that don't bother her in a relationship.

Okay, Exhibit A, things that don't bother Brittany. I'm taking work off to take care of you. So can you pay me? Things that don't bother Brittany. Wow. Unbelievable. I'm just a really giving person. No, Brittany, and I'm sorry, I know that this isn't behind a paywall.

Brittany, you're an idiot. Okay? If you are allowing any rope to a man who says, I'm taking off work so you need to compensate me, you're in danger. Sorry. That's bad, especially at this age. I'd have to agree. Do you agree?

Oh, 100%. I mean, it's also the level of guy she's attracting. what I mean. It's bad. Yeah. I mean, she should, at this point in her life, she should be attracting men that they can take a day off without having to be supplemented. Supplement income. Yeah, yeah, yeah. To fill it back, backload the, you know. And we, I'm still just confounded by this whole thing.

So we're asking to be compensated to the tune of $40. So how, what kind of redlining are we doing with the bank account? If we're saying you need to compensate me, that means I don't have money to get back home. That's, I'm so confused about him. So there was a little Twitter war and I think Kristen got into it telling him to shut out because he was saying 40 bucks means a lot to me. We talked about this. Yeah. And I believe it was probably more than $40.

I hope it was more than $40. For everyone's sake. For everyone's sake. Let's get to Tom's. We meet his roommate. Who is this ghoulish man? You see that guy? Who the fuck was that guy?

There was a guy? Yeah. I didn't see a guy. Oh, yeah. Sorry. Everyone arrives. Jason limps up up the stairs to give a gift. Jason, don't come.

Four flights to give a bottle of wine. You don't need to do that. Jesse shows up in an Aston Martin SUV rental, I was thinking, yes, rental. Yes. I want to say, why were we relegated to, for the most part, one room of this fucking townhouse? There are four rooms. There's the living room. There's the bedroom.

There's the office. And there's the patio. Huh. Okay. And it's $8,000 a month. I would say this was way sadder than Zach's shitty apartment. Nothing is sadder than, well, lots of things are sadder. 9-11.

Sadder. But, well, it's a good point, right? Because remember Zach's apartment. Think about 9-11 and then think about that party that he threw. Just saying. Lacey gives some notes on how she would do... I mean, the cheese plow. her. Yeah. Is that

mozzarella? Jesus Christ. She is a woman after my own heart. She knows her shit. She said if you're going to do a James Bond party, you need to have Vesper Martini's ready, at least have them if someone wants them, they can. Yeah, she's just, she's a sturdy big. Here's a question. We've obviously learned that she's wanted to be on the Real Housewives of Orange County for a number of years, is she using Jesse to be on this show?

I would hope so. I would love her on Real Housewives of O.C. There is no world where she's with a loser like this. And he is a loser. I know, I know, I know. He's a gimp, though. She may be into the gimp aspect of it, where she can just walk him around. That seems like a fun little thing that you do on the weekends.

You butt fuck it. But as far as the future, you know, I mean. Who's to say that she sees a future? Well, that's my point. But if she's really been trying to be on television for a number of years and she finally got herself in the door. She's great TV. Well, she seems like the most prepared.

I mean, you ask her about how shitty this party was and how unprepared Swartz was. She's got an answer. She just has stuff. going on upstairs. She's just clearly just leagues above these people in terms of fucking brainpower. That's what I'm saying. You fucking talk to Zach. I'm so overwhelmed.

He took the monster energy. Like what is going on in your fucking head? You child. Why did you buy so much orange ice? Who does that? He does have dreamy blue eyes. Michelle bought a necklace from Richie King. him or whatever his name is.

Turn the ring into it. Zach, um, they're going to do a getaway to celebrate everyone's birthday, but really it's just going to be his birthday. Can I say something? Yeah. Typically a party file.

You don't announce another party that's down the road at the current party you're at. That means that party sucks. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You're not supposed to be like when you're at the party in front of the host of the party. Hey, guys, are we all going to fucking Mexico next week?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not appropriate. Oh, okay. All right, all right. I don't get out much. So, Nia and Danny show up. He will not be, Tom says,

we, Danny will not be castigated. And we roll back to someone we haven't seen in a bit, the B-Man. Now, that was bad hosting. But we talk about how unbelievable it is, the Michelle has already been through a relationship.

Oh, that's right. And we look back at the B-Man. I miss him. Yeah. I wonder what he's up to now. He's like the candy man, but he doesn't kill people. He just wastes women's time.

That's a bad movie. Which one? The original? Even the original one. I don't like that. Written by Clyde Barker. Who's that? Well, he did Hellraiser.

It's where I stayed at his house when I dumped Ashley and I had to get the fuck out of my apartment. You stayed at Clive's house? He wrote Hellraiser, huh? That's supposed to be the goriest movie ever. It was pretty gory. He actually owned three houses on a street called Skyler. I stayed at the art house. Okay, so we go upstairs.

There are so many stairs. And Brittany tells everybody that she is broken up with her boyfriend. And Zach, the soothsayers. says, told you so. Hey, Zach, how could you have guessed? How could you have possibly guessed that that wasn't going to work? I mean, to be fair to you, Brittany is a very giving person, which is why you're still around.

That's a good, really good point. But it really hasn't paid off. I guess he finally got on this show. I mean, Zach, you've been. The two of them have been in this city for 15 years. she got on this show lives in a $2.5 million house and it has been on reality TV. That's a good point. You live in a shitty fucking apartment.

It's worse than 9-11. Can I say, you know, it's a good point that you bring up because Brittany has been in the Bravo universe for a long time. And she has not thrown Zach a bone once. That's my point. She could have made him a personal assistant at some point when the money started rolling in. Right. Right.

So, Lala versus Nia. This is where we get to... So sorry, I have this cough that will not go away. It's probably because I smoke a lot of weed. I always smoke a lot of weed, though. I haven't had a cough. I'll talk to a doctor about it. By the way, I love...

We don't need to get any to. We can talk about it on APS. Patreon. I'm not on the podcast. We continue the pattern of Nia swatting Lala, like a fly. Lala attempts to do this thing where she is to quote Tom Schwartz

castigating Nia for not including Janet in the meal train text and Nia very easily says the text thread was it existed before Janet and I don't fucking like Janet so I'm not going to add her to the text thread

thanks though Lala also here's a question Lala why are you fighting Janet's battles. She's right there. She can speak up for herself. We've seen her do it before. Now, the one thing I will give Lala is, and this isn't Lala's doing, it's more Brittany's doing. She does, knee is in a bit of a pincement where she does have to concede, sorry I didn't reach out in private, okay? But that's not, that's the only thing that she really even takes a step back on. And when Janet, it turns to Janet, the crosshairs pointed her, she does what she does. she's not good enough to go toe to toe to with Nia.

And Janet pretends to be this witty, kind of wise cracking, quick on her feet kind of girl. She's not quick on her feet. No, she needs to be prepared. Yeah. As we'll see with a quote that I think will be used in the Bravo universe. What's that? Well, the one regarding Charles Manson.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So we go inside. Oh, I was going to say, Brittany, a. and there was a new low for Bravo. We've seen several this year. The timing out how many minutes it takes Britney to get up the stairs. We've done some awful things on this podcast. I said some awful things.

We have. I thought timing Brittany out how long it took her to get up those stairs was beneath them. In poor taste, I'll say Brittany deserves it, okay? If your balls are not clean, do not come to the party. Stay at home, okay? Nobody wants you here in your Donnie Darko outfit with your fucking. and unclean balls hanging out of the out of your stomach okay it's disgusting ugh you literally have pus coming out of your wounds stay at home yeah i didn't like her outfit oh really so once janet is

under duress she leaves and michelle goes inside and says hey hey hey hey hey you can't fucking do that that's not what we do around here okay we got a film i'm looking out for you okay you're gonna get you're going to get snipped. And Janet says there's nothing I can do with her. And somehow Luke inserts his slender man body and mind into this conversation. Well, do you, uh, do you disagree with his? No. Okay.

He confronts. No, no, no. I disagree with everything that he says. Well, he confronts Janet about her salacious accusations of Danny and how she wasn't even there for which she speaks of. Yeah. Right? She wasn't there.

She heard second. This is a very pre-2020 kind of line of rhetoric. And, you know, there's pros and cons with all of these cultural movements. But Luke is essentially saying, fuck the firsthand reporting of what he did. You weren't there. So don't speak on it. Here's the problem, though, Luke. And think about this.

Have you ever smacked someone on that? the ass and said go get daddy a drink. Have you ever done that while married, even if you had a little bit too much and you were ripping it up? Have you even come close to doing that? Here's... The answer is absolutely not. Here's old Patty's problem. Are we going to be talking about this in season six? Yes. Of the valley because we can't anymore. No, I know, I know. At some point we need to move the fuck on. But here's a, I'll, I back to you. I backed you. ended up so much when I up to a certain point because she's going after them not for any true stance of morality and ethic. She just hates them and wants to be more famous than them. So she's

taking them down. But when she says that he has sexually assaulted somebody, he really did sexually assault someone. Now they said that it's fine and they moved on. So that it's their story to tell. So that should be the end of it. But when Luke says you weren't there, I got to go, Luke, hang on a second. We have the person who was the recipient of it saying that he did it. So that should be enough. But two, you've seen the way he gets, you've seen it 15 times. So what are we doing here pretending like this is unreasonable?

I totally get it. What's unreasonable about it is the person that was the victim of Danny Darkside has forgiven him. Right. And we've moved on. And Janet has not. No. And dare I say, the more that she continues with this,

the more the audience despises her, and the more that she is loathed by at least half the cast. And she says when confronted by Luke about this, did you see Charles Manson do it to know that he was a psychopath? Call me crazy, but I think she went a little far with that. Well, Charles Manson didn't kill anybody. No. No, he didn't.

But what he did do was, well... He manipulated a lot of young people. Yes, he manipulated a lot of young runaways at the behest of the Central Intelligence Agency, and he told them to go kill, Cherenade. And whoever she was hanging around with. Now, she was a child that was a tragedy. But he also...

That's bad news. He then went to prison and carved a... swastika into his forehead. So a little bit of a tough analogy, but let's move on. We go upstairs and we end the episode for some reason. Oh, this was a weird. What are we doing? What are we doing ending just as I don't even care. It just baffles me to not end the episode with this conversation with Janet and Luke. This is a crescendo. We roll the credits. We don't roll the credits on Jesse and Michelle having this fucking dime store conversation about their marriage. Like, Unfinished business.

Who gives a shit? I agree. And also, one of the sadder things is, does the rebound after a bad marriage ever work out? It seems like it doesn't. And I think she's more bummed out about that. Although she's dating out, what's his face now? Dr. Dre. Yeah, I wonder if that's working out.

I don't know. Who knows? I mean, we'll see. But get in the comments. Let us know what you thought about the episode. Remember Summerhouse and Rhode Island at patreon.com session of the podcast network. We love you guys so much.

I'm Dylan saying goodbye. Pat say goodbye. Later, dude!