Another Below Deck Podcast - Daniel's Big Birthday feat. Lori Altermann | The Valley S3 E15

Episode Date: July 11, 2026

Dylan and Pat are back to break down ranch, love, patience, yelling let's go, having a big birthday, toxic people and more from Bravo's The Valley.Subscribe to Lori's show - Fan or Fanatic | https://open.spotify.com/show/7ds7DxDh1M4qlnnjpn5FCJPATREON: https://www.patreon.com/anotherpodcastnetwork  YOUTUBE: https://www.youtube.com/@badtvpod  INSTAGRAM: https://www.instagram.com/badtvpodcast/?hl=en

Yeah, you did side with Nia and Danny and throw Brittany under the bus as a ranch eating drunk when you're supposed to be her best friend. So it's on you. Can I make a correction there? Yeah, go ahead. There was no ranch. Manuel said we don't have ranch. Oh. Oh, I could have sworn Manuel had ranch.

No. No, we did not have ranch. Hi, hello, and welcome to Bad TV. I'm Dylan. That is Pat. Great to be here. Um, uh, what is, what's up with you, boo? Are you having a good day? I'm having a wonderful day. It's hot. It's a guana weather, so I'm sure you're happy. Uh, he's a pig in shit in summer. He's so, he's so joyous. Today we are joined, though, not by papaya dog girl, but by a fellow podcaster and dare I say friend, dare I say, comrade.

Lori Alterman of the fan of fan or fanatic podcast. Welcome to the show. Thank you for doing this. And, we're sorry in advance. Well, my apologies back at you. Yeah. I feel horrible for what's about to happen. Thank you for, yeah, we kind of try to prime the

audience for what's about to unfold, but they've been listening for a long time so they know. Now, you are in the reality swamp with us. How did you come to the Valley and what do you think of the third season of the Valley?

I come to this season, a virgin, gentlemen. Although I've watched every single Vanderpump rules, reunion and such, I only started watching the Valley this season, so my vantage point, it's unique. Yeah, that's like, huh, that's like starting Star Wars at the Hans Solo movie. Oh, ouch.

You know what I mean? Did you just compare the Valley? to Star Wars. Yeah, I mean, I'm not the big. I think Star Wars really jumped the shark. I think the Valley has more integrity than that fucking franchise. But yes, I don't know, it's a crazy comparison. What I'm driving at is that this is probably the worst season we've had so far.

Correct? Am I correct? Oh, last season was pretty bad too. I know, but we still had Jacks on a cocaine downfall, which was entertaining for us at the very least. Brittany got thrown into some bushes, but what can you do? This show technically should be on the chopping block as far as Bravo goes. It really should be.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. We had multiple cast members say, well, Jesse tonight said that group is boring. I'm going to come over here. There are entire groups and pods of this cast that are just too boring to even film with. But, Lori, we start off every episode by giving a rating of the episode out of 100. hundred bumps now those could be baby bumps or they could be bumps of cocaine is that in memory of jacks yes it is it is in memory of jack's taylor um rest in peace who we wanted to honor because he's

passed exactly uh so how many bumps would you give this episode lori wow uh i'm going to say that that it was bumpless. Because any time, crazy, creepy cult leader Danny. Yeah. And his, I guess, disciple brainwashed wife are on the screen. It's unwatchable,

although I can't stop watching it. Right, right, right. It's quite a paradox. Wow. It's a real mind. You know what. So you're giving it zero bumps, absolutely no bumps whatsoever.

Well, okay. Let me give a few little bumps. Okay. What got me bumpy and bumped up. Anytime I see Schwartsey, I love him. I know him. He is, he is, it's nostalgic for me. It is a familiar place.

So when he comes on the screen, I'm feeling and probably, I sound like you were hanging with, and I hoped to be hanging with soon, I'm feeling Jesse and Lacey. Yeah, yeah, for sure. But we're going to give some bumps for that. So let's say those two

get two bumps each and what's his face. Tommy Schwartz, he gets 15. Okay, so we're looking at a 19 right now. Who doesn't get a bump? 19's not a very good I don't want to get off on the wrong foot

with Lori. Yeah, we have to address. I cackled like a hyena when you said that you love Schwartz because, well, Pat, why don't you take it away? Well, I understand Lori, the sentiment that there's a comfortability and with Swartz being that it's like a warm old friend. There's a familiarity with something that you remember. He's like a hot pocket.

I'm going to compare him to the film Goonies. As a child when your brain's not developed and you were nine when you saw it, you love that movie. But as an adult, you realize what a giant piece of dog shit it is. And that's what Swartz is to me. He's an adult child and a moron and he has a complete dad bod. He has man tins. Okay. Now I'm going to have to enter the chat.

Yeah. Okay. Please come in. He is a goody. Second of all, I love a dad bod. Yeah. Looking at your physiques. Yeah. Those will do. Yeah. Thank you. Third of all, he brings nothing to the show except for a hot pocket, which I'm motherfucker. Just put one in the microwave.

Yeah. I hear you. Yeah. It's nostalgic. It's nuclear hot. and it has no nutritional value. Okay. Fair enough, but he's not Danny. How many bumps do you give this episode? Now, a little plug for Lori. She's going to give her a second appearance on Juicy Scoop.

I'm very jealous this week. But I'm going to quote another popular guest on Juicy Scoop because I'm a big fan. Heather, you should have us on. Zach Peters, he said completely agree with us. Agree with him. He said the reason why the Valley sucks is there's no one to root for. Yeah, it's a little bit like

the U.S. team in the in the World Cup. There's no, there's no startlet, you know? Christian Pulichich is not going to cut it. You know what I mean? I was just going to say that. Thank you. You took the words on my mom. Yeah.

So Orange County, we have Jen. And of course, we have, um, did you see what happened to Jen today? No, what happened to Jen today? What happened to Jen today? First of one of her sons, I don't know, it's like 25 kids. All right. That was Archie. He's dead too.

He's dead with Jack. Uh, go ahead. What happened? Wait, Archie, wasn't Archie Shannon's dog who also recently passed? He's gone. Yes, the dog is gone. But we rooted for him. Yeah.

Okay. But what are you going to say about Jen's son? Oh, Jen has a son who apparently just started a fire near you guys. Oh. Yeah, it isn't good. And she jumped on PR and said, you know, we feel awful as parents were dealing with this. So this just in. Oh, she didn't say, I would have just scrambled those words.

We are awful parents. No, no, no. Well, okay, but hang on a second. Now, this is interesting. A housed pyromaniac is a rare breed. Usually you don't see them. In Los Angeles out where we are, they're usually zombie fires or bumfires, as we call them. You know, people cooking, I don't know, stovetop popcorn over an open sterno fire.

That'll light a bunch of pallets of wood on fire and then everybody will die. You're being too kind. It's normally a crack pipe. Well, okay, so anyways, Jen's son is housed. Which one, the one that was speeding? Well, isn't there like a Marine? And isn't there? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's a plethora. There's some adopted kids if you want to count those. Right. I don't wait. I don't like kids, guys. I don't like kids. I don't like animals. I don't like old people.

I don't like. Right, right. So this just happened with one of her kids. And you're right. I mean, it would have been much better if she came on. God, I must suck. I forget about it. Right.

No. So she does have a Marine who faints. That's Dawson. Yeah, she has a really sexy, by the way. Yeah, a litter of mistakes, a litter of sexy mistakes. By the way, he feigned getting a tattoo. Yes. Not going to not going to go well when the U-shaped ambush springs up. You give it how many bumps? I'm going to give it not a lot of bumps because this episode was absolutely terrible. Really? Yeah. Although the other, the one thing I was going to say, I get it that NIA is a brainwashed cult member for Danny the drunk. However, I must say, say what you will about how awful these people are, I would love if my wife would stand in front of me to blow. That was so hot. I know we talk about it all the time, how we have normal wives who aren't brainwashed,

who do love us, but they're just totally normal. So if we're doing something grotesque in public, which we don't do because we're adults and we're behaved, they'll actually join the tomato throwing because we're you know right so it's a similar thing to where i was watching obsession and i was like i wish that my wife would bang somebody's head against the block 15 times on my behalf that's actually really cool it's hot it's hot yeah yeah and i will say i understand that la la's in the program and she's been sober but i would ask what exactly was she doing to go over there for round three to go for Danny. She's trying to make the fucking show watchable. Gotcha. Zero bumps. Wow. Not a lot of cocaine flowing around tonight. I'm going to spill mine on the table and give this episode 92

bumps. I don't know why. I thought this episode was a lot of fun. Have you been doing bumps tonight before this episode? We have kids. No more bumps for us. I wish. I just, I miss it so much, but it's got fentanyl in it and we can't do it because we're dads. But, um, I, I, think that Lala going after Danny Nia going full David Miscavich handler interventionary kind of behavior was amazing. We've got Luke ascending. Luke does this weird thing. He's like a gloomstocker.

Luke. Where he will resurface into my hateful, hateful crosshairs every once in a while. And then he'll slink back into this kind of calm deliverance fisherman status. But tonight it was a stark reminder that he is quietly, as the kids would say, low-key, one of the worst people on reality television. I fucking hate this guy. I know it was hurtful of what I said, but maybe it taught or a lesson. Maybe it's scared her.

Hey, Luke, go take a nap on a towel, okay? God, I can't stand that guy. How about double down and take a nap on a tom? Oh, right, right, exactly. He's just, he's not my favorite. But we, let's get into it. We are in Mexico. And last we left off, Zach almost got decapitated.

And Danny was, at least he wouldn't have that haircut anymore. Zach to me, I mean, guys, remember this is my first season. Yeah, yeah. There's been no tempering at all. Wow. You got to explain the Zach of it all. Why?

You know, it's a, it's a class we could take a thousand times and fail every single final exam because we have not the faintest idea. There is really nothing redeeming about him. He's not funny. He thinks he is. That's worse than being not funny.

he lives in an empty apartment I honestly might prefer being an adventurous rogue zombie out there in the streets than what Zach and Benji are living in? I mean, that's just fucking... When you're weeping over a monster

energy drink refrigerator that you probably stole your trash. And is that... When did he adopt Benji? And is there another parent? It's kind of like a gay ASPCA group that he joined.

It was an Instagram app. That must have been last season. Yeah. Yeah, it was an Instagram out, I think. But we start in Jasmine and Melissa's room. Why? Speaking of the room, all of the rooms look like cave dwelling creatures have been

living in them the morning after the night before. Now, this is like, this is just kind of what hotel rooms look like when you're getting when you're getting a little torqued up on vacation. You know, you get a couple french fries on the ground a couple yeah body parts under the bed it's just what i think you're referring to the girls maybe if you're on spring break in college yeah okay or yeah or you're like on a vacation

like this this is what i love the girls really rallied for uh brittany the night before and uh and they also ate everything at the resort now there's no judgment here but i want to say this after night of drinking this is when girls can really throw down yeah yeah right it's like uh it's the only time they'll act like men when they're like men eat you know yeah yeah it's like the fourth meal at taco bell and lori any thoughts on women finally eating how many does that complete your order um actually uh no no and shut up i'll tell you when i'm done lory any thoughts on what pat just said yes so my favorite kind of eating is drunk eating and i like to do it when i'm drunk not in bed so i'm going to start that entire process while i'm at a bar it's not a popular thing to do everybody else wants to dance

and drink more and I've got nachos coming. Oh, yes, good start. Maybe some chicken wings. And what was the only thing was missing was Mee Ma's beard cheese. Oh, yeah. I thought that she traveled with that and I was disappointed that. Not only did she not have on her for cocked, I guess it was a girdle she needed to put on. Yeah.

You know, the Brittany situation, again, first season. I haven't seen her since Vanderpump. Yeah. Again, a class that you could take. Why? Okay. Brittany is the heart of this show, which shows you how rough this show has it. But Brittany is, yeah, the kind of moral guidestone, I would say.

And she also just sucks down shellfish before major surgery and does travel with cheers. Yeah. Good. Can we talk about, again, for season, like, these people really normally wouldn't be together, seemingly the only way they can coexist is by drinking a lot. And it just comes off to me as completely not organic and not real. Why not just Sheena and Brock and even bring Katie? At least let's see where they are in their lives.

This is really depressing. I'll tell you why, Lori, because that show was called Vanderpump Rules and we canceled it because we were sick of them. Yeah, but the absence makes the heart grow fond. No, does it? Now, listen, Pat and I have a particular gripe with Sheena and Brock, who has flown underneath the radar being, you know, one of modern history's worst parents. Oh, okay.

Well, worse than Jen from O.C.? No. Well, pretty, I think so. Maybe. Well, Brock has two kids on the other side of the planet that, uh, that I don't think he has any um it's fine communication with there are worse than no no he doesn't that's not fair guys he doesn't know about them oh oh yeah that's not nice no i think he knows of lory please if if if if we are not being nice can you just let us know one one's called spring saturn the other one's called

winter Pluto or something winter green that's right yeah yeah exactly you can probably also like his wife feeder shirts too uh juicy little ass wife beaters shirts, dance moves. Sheena is the real witch of the equation. But I would take them over Melissa and Jasmine. I would take them over Zach. That's what I'm saying. Listen, I'm not saying I'm going to leave my goldfish with them. I'm just saying maybe we don't even make it a whole series. Maybe we do just like a day in the life and just tip, tip, toe into the, because this valley is not working. All right. First off, we live in the valley. And it's not about, all about postpartum.

Janet shared a horrific tale. That'll be fun to talk about. It's not about miserable parents. Look, we have fucking Universal Studios here. Okay? Don't launch a defense of where we live. We have great sushi here.

And also a bunch of good looking people. Now you're bringing in a different show. You're bringing in the Valley Persian style. And one of those cast members has been shitting on the Valley the whole season. You may not watch it. I kind of watch that one. I hate the valley.

I will not move there. It's fucking disgusting. Okay. So let's get. Wait, is that, which one's your real accent? That one. Can we talk about Kristen? Sure.

Absolutely. Because there's two things going on. I don't want to forget to talk about. Let's talk about Kristen. And I need you guys to know that the women, who could be so annoying, out there, all love that we're seeing the real side of postpartum and marriage after and what it's like. I am not turning on the TV to look at lives worse than mine. I want to be jealous.

I want to have FOMO. I want to aspire to something. Right. So I am not on the side of the women with this. I already had postpartum. I don't need to watch it. One, I do think that while it may be refreshing to see, I do think it's maybe not extreme, extreme, but it's a rather severe case.

And she's got to fly and she's got a film. So it's not, it's not everybody's situation. Now, Lori, you're a, this is your world. You're a big Bravo fan? Yes, I am. Yes, sir. As I've discussed quite a bit here, this is Bravo's pivot into an aging audience that are now parents and want something to relate to other than hot,

20 year olds working at a bar. Listen. I'm almost 60 and I still want to see those 20 year olds working at a bar. I don't want to see Kristen who, again, I haven't seen her since Vanderpump and she's still whiny and complaining and annoying and boring. So nothing's changed.

No, the more things change, the more annoying Kristen gets. It's another queen's birthday, though. It's Danny's birthday today. Yes. He is smiling like the Joker talking about his birthday. And I want to just really quickly talk about men being into their birthday. I know one man who is really into his birthday and it's not grating. And I'm not just saying that because I'm sitting next to him.

He actually pulls off being a bitch about his birthday the way that few men can. Pat loves his birthday. And so does Danny. Danny. I don't make a big thing out of it. Hold on. My birthday is generally, I'm going to be at a bar. You love your birthday.

There will be drinks there. I'll pay for everybody to be there. I take care of everybody. I know, but you- Take care, buddy. You love to throw a birthday party for your birthday. You love a birthday party. Now, men, when, what do you think the cutoff should be for men caring about their

birthday if there should be a cutoff at all? First off, Danny said this, like, he was making it all about himself. I don't parade around. Pat, I'm saying, you. pull it off. Okay. Lori, what's the cut off? This is such a hot button for me. Yeah. A trigger to reuse and use that word too much. I have a very strong opinion about women and mostly men who are birthday babies. Guess what? You did nothing. Your mom or whoever the hell you think is your mom pushed you out of her. You know what reason. And went on, I have had experiences with said

people. And there's a checklist of the way you're supposed to act, the way you're supposed to show up, what you're supposed to wear, how you're supposed to celebrate. It's work. And a grown-ass man shouldn't even know when his birthday is, unless, of course, I'm in L.A. and it's your birthday. And we go somewhere They're fabulous. Yeah, I can't wait. You should come out for past birthday. I'm going to be there in two days, but then you're going. I'm going to Napa.

Oh, yeah. I don't want to sell it, everybody. I want them, you know, the paparazzi phone. You're going to be in Napa on your birthday. Well, a little bit before my birthday, which, by the way, we got to talk about who's going to, you know, replace me. But then you're going to be, are you going to be in L.A. For your birthday? I'm not sitting in his place.

You can 100% sit in this place. There you go. Yeah. If you want to. You'll be there Saturday for a week. Yeah, that'd be great. Okay. Well, I'm confused about, we got to talk about when your birthday is.

But yeah. And the cutoff age is six. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. I never thought you'd get to that answer. I was going to say seven. Okay.

You're more generous. His is 50. All right. So we, so my thing with Danny and his birthday is he's very into it. And then he jokes about birthday sex. Oh! And then he jokes about how he hasn't gotten the vasectomy yet. And that he wants to have yet another child.

You are, Danny, and I'm sure you probably, you're at the gym working out so often. How do you not listen to every podcast that talks about you? If you are listening, and I really hope that this is, I'm not saying that there's not room for improvement. I hope this isn't too insulting. You're a six out of 10 father. Stop having children until we get that number up a little bit.

And I'm not saying that you can't do it. But when you're such a deadbeat dad who's more focused on the garage workout time than helping rear the children, stop having harems. That's a bad word. Litters of children. I'll say start with the alcoholism issue. That's bad. too. It's not great.

Yeah, that's actually probably pretty bad too. That's the number one. But wait, he did stop drinking this season. Oh, you're right. Yeah. You're right. You are right. He did stop drinking.

So, by the way, the end of the episode, his wife would have had sex with him, but he chooses to sit at the bar. Because he's a drunk. Exactly. Yeah. He's already gotten the wheels turning and he cannot stop them. So Janet

Says my biological instincts tell me to stay off the boat that they're going to be going on to celebrate Danny's birthday And my biological instincts tell me to tell you to get the fuck off the show Is there anyone outside of like Rula that just doesn't film the way that Janet does? I mean she just doesn't go to stuff and it's always a it's always a thing And I'm also just blown away that there's a millennial name Janet It's always crazy. I don't like it when she skips, and I also don't like it when she shows up. You know?

Laura, your thoughts on Janet. This is your first season with her. Your thoughts on Janet. Oh, I'm getting killed on social media because as a first time watching, I didn't see you last season. Yeah. She, of all the horrible people on this show, she's bothering me the least because she was calling out Danny. Danny's a character who each time he's on the screen, I'm thinking, make me like you less.

It's not possible. Right. It's not possible. Yet he is achieving that, unlike his father and parenting. He's really good at making me like him less. So Janet has been calling out the person I like least. She's not loud and she's not annoying.

Remember, I only know Janet this season. Yes. Okay. And people, that's how people can reinvent themselves. New audiences come. man and they're like, I like Janet. Yeah, well, let's just back. Well, let's just say that she's bringing nothing to the show in terms of me caring or

you got to hate or love someone. Yeah. Yeah. That's, you know what? It's really true. This show has an imbalance in the strength of how we feel about the cast. There are some people that we hate, no one we love. and a bunch of people we feel nothing for.

So that's like you guys have kids, right? Yes. We go to my kids' school regrettedly. And to some, you know, back to school night. And I would leave going, I mean, they're fine. They're fine. The parents. Yeah.

Oh, I thought you were talking about the kids because that would be funnier. Oh, I never got anywhere close to the kids. I have no idea what the kids they like. But the parents, I was like, I don't need to go out. They're fine. you go to like a school event and you're like they were perfectly nice they were easy to talk to for a few minutes but they leave no impression and you think of them never again right that's this yes yeah it really really is and just to kind of um backload you with a little bit of uh janet

janet context yeah sorry for that um i think the reason why people have an issue with her is that um this is a new meek suit that she's wearing. You got therapy. Yeah. The first two seasons, she was an absolute type A alpha shitster. So it's been quite a dramatic reversal of cadence from Janet. And given she's a little disingenuous.

So it's hard to buy it. But she's not as annoying as Danny or Zach or a lot of people. We should probably get to the first. the second five minutes of the show. Yep, let's do it. So the theme is Miami Vice for Danny's boat party. And evidently people do not know what that is. Luke asks if it is Dexter.

First off, fuck off. Miami Vice was a cool show. Way ahead of its time. Not only is it a cool show. It's one of these weird shows that your show sucks, Luke. Has like cemented itself into the club. cultural like language like I how do you not know what Miami vice it's it was a fucking it was a fucking grand theft auto game at the very least in the middle of a cornfield he grew up in

Denver there's no excuse to not know but Jasmine claimed not to know what it was either that's insane and they just did they did a remake with Colin Farrell that's supposed to be really good yeah it wasn't true to the the show all right Schwartz is hung over no way and Zach and Jasmine talk about what happened at the lunch the day before. And we continue to do this thing where everyone on the cast thinks Danny is an annoying drunk. And no one on the cast except for Lala will actually go up to Danny and say, you are a inappropriate drunk. Zach.

Zach will talk about it. Janet will talk about it. Lala is really the only person that will get in his little face and say, you're inappropriate, you're rude, and you're a drunk. So it's a lot of talking, not enough action. Janet and Lala have a chat. And Janet has a really traumatic thing to happen to her. And this is why I just want to start throwing guys that S.A.

and are in just giant pits of lava. Because it is really a disgusting thing to do. And I think we all feel for Janet. are we just going to are we going to ice skate over this really quickly? I'm a male podcaster. I feel like a giant butt's coming or however. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no but, no but whatsoever.

Lori, anything on this conversation or do you want to join us and running as far away from it as humanly possible? I was going to say butter, however. I was going to say, let's go back to the triangle of sadness on that boat. Great movie. Yeah. Oh, very good movie. Very good.

Great movie. Way more excited. than that boat. Yes. And if we could play the drinking game, and I know you'd rather play the bump game, every time Danny would scream, what were those words that gave me...

Let's go! I know in hell when you walk in. On a ticker tape, on repeat. Yeah, that a grown man, and it's so interesting to be. I get the ick so easily. on every human being in my life, mainly my husband that I've been banged in 30 years.

Yeah. And that she doesn't hear that and her vagina doesn't dry up like a raisin. Yeah. It's unbelievable the loyalty she has. It's impressive. Yeah. Yeah.

It really is. Like how does she hear that? Or he says, but it's my birthday. And she doesn't just throw up in her mouth. Like I'm going to be honest, guys. You know me pretty well now. Yeah.

I don't get. I don't get jealousies. I am jealous. I wish I felt like you wish your wives had your back. I wish I felt like that about my husband. I'm 100th the douche the danyas and my wife still hates me. I know. I know.

I'm a different kind of douche, but I'm also 100th of it. And yeah, I mean, I saw your wife the other day. She doesn't like you. No, not at all. And here we are. We're great. I never. I never want to go.

Let's go. And why is Nia so pretty? It's crazy. Hey, everyone, we are Bad TV, and we are sponsored by Ro. Change my life to. How life-changing are GLP ones? Pretty life-changing. Yeah, I would say so.

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Go to row.com.com slash safety for box warning and full safety information about GLP1 medication. losing weight is hard make it easier with row i i don't know what spell he has over her well it's jesus oh well maybe hey shrie let's go to church uh all right so we uh get back to the boat people are going down people are sick hungover throwing up this is the worst thing ever what are we doing going on boats after having i don't know you guys you guys are obsessed with below decks you must have to really had your panty well those are bigger boats lorry should we discuss below deck really quickly. Do you want to...

We can clean up this aisle 5 on Valley and think of what we wish for if there is a second another season. Like where do you, what could you do if you're Andy Cohen right this minute, what could you do to improve the valley? Turn them all into sea rats

and just cast everybody on the next season below deck. Okay. I'd clean house in the valley. I'd keep like four, maybe six cast members. Persian style is much better than this show. I love it. And it's the same reason that Rhode Island works, and it's the same reason that Vanderpump worked in the early days.

These people genuinely, truly know each other, see each other a lot, and have relationship equity with each other. these people, I guess they do. I just don't buy that Zach and Brittany are like the closest people. And I just don't buy any of it. So I am, I, uh, because you don't know this, Lori. I know all these fucking people, not know them personally,

but go to the same bars as all these idiots. We're all, we're in the same city. The school that I go to where my kids go to school, there is so much shit going down at this school, people fucking each other. There's a crazy story where this dad, him and his wife were divorced. Another mom now is banging this guy.

He got accused of raping his wife. And they went to court. And the proof that he had that he didn't rape her is he showed a video of him banging his wife anally and her smiling back. And he points at it in court and says, look at her. She loves it. Okay.

Well, okay. That's a story going around school. Okay. And that would be great on the show. Well, I don't know. It sounds a little heavy, but I take your point. There are a lot of normies out here that are doing exciting stuff more than these people. That's what I'm saying.

Not that any of that sounded exciting. That sounds awful, actually. Well, I'll say this. You know, three hours later heard Philadelphia. It's almost my bedtime. And that was a damn good bedtime story. Yeah. All right.

Jesus fucking. That was just a taste. Don't check the story. That was a strong storyline, and we'd be lucky for it to show up on Bravo. Michelle and Lacey, we had a 54-minute episode, I should say. And these kinds of conversations, this retread horseshit of these two talking to each other about how it's challenging that she's dating her ex-i. Okay, we got it.

Also not organic. I don't buy it. It wouldn't happen. The show I want to see is Michelle and Dr. Dre, period. I you think yeah I hope she's getting some self-defense classes um all right so as you mentioned he's yelling stuff and it's very off-putting and that's when jacy jesse and lacey sit down they they find some uh tilda swinton kind of beach like area and they start uh i don't like spicy does that have they start eating and she she asked him hey stop hitting on me in front of your ex-wife and he's like

Fuck that. If that, the bee guy, if he was still on the boat, none of this would be, you know, an issue. Now, I don't know if you can hear the sound of the bees in the mic, but. The bees are actually on the beach. They're delivering a message. They're saying he's sorry he kicked her and her daughter out. And he also promises he might try and blink once this year. Okay. So just to give you a heads up, there was a man named Aaron who Michelle. Oh, yeah. She didn't see that. Used to date and, um, this I did know because as the season started, there was a breakup. Right.

And she was heartbroken. He wanted her to work out or be more active. That's right. Yeah, she was too fat and, uh, and he's right. She's disgusting. But, um, he, the thing about, uh, him is that his eyes were actually the widest eyes and the most open eyes, uh, in the continental United States. And it was actually really unsettling to look at. It was a little bit like what people saw in the ring right before they died. So I did some homework, obviously, before I started watching this colossal train wreck to see how hot this guy was that she was so sad over.

And I thought to myself, you know what would make sense to bang Dr. Dre? Yeah. It's quite a jump from, and I'm not going to say Aaron's not lean. He's very lean, but his eyes are also very haunting. and he thinks that Michelle, who has a perfect body, is fat. So let's get to Jesse, who's having a tough time with the boring crowd. So he decides he's going to have a little fun. He was allowed one beer.

Yeah. All right. This is crazy. There's a lot of yapp and he does with Kristen, but I'll just break it down and kind of paraphrase. He tells her Luke hates her. Mm-hmm. And there might not be a wedding because he hates her. Yeah, he tells her that his, her fiance.

told him that he doesn't think they're going to get married. Right. And he tells her that your baby daddy wants you to die. Yeah. Yeah, that's very, very cool of you to say to her, Jesse. That's really awesome. It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, I liked it because I don't like Kristen. Is that wrong?

No, no. The thing, it's the same thing going on with how much you hate Danny, which makes you kind of like Janet. I really hate Kristen, but because everyone else is so much more. hateable that I actually think I might be okay with her sometimes. I don't know, but I really hate her. Well, not the name drop, which I love to do. I was just doing a show with Michael Rappaport, and we had a fight about this because he thinks Kristen is one of the best parts of Bravo TV.

She should be respected, revered, and admired. Michael Rappaport. Who on Bravo should be respected, revered, and admired besides for maybe Alicia? Alicia. Who's Alicia? No, I see, we're going to talk about Rhode Island, and you're not going to believe my hot take on that. What is it? I can't do it, won't do it.

Really? Unable to do it, and I'm an addict. So that is like me saying, take those bumps away. Why? I don't like to. I don't like to watch a show. We talked about this just now, where the houses are gross, the fashion is terrible, the accent's annoying, the drama is stupid. It's why I don't fuck with New Jersey.

Well, you know, it's funny you mention that because our co-host, Ruby, is in love with Miss Crackas. And I don't feel as much love for Alicia. She would fit in the cast of Real Housewives of New Jersey perfectly. And I absolutely detest the cast of New Jersey. In fact, I hate the entire franchise. They were running marathon of Real Housewives of New Jersey,

and it makes me want to throw up. I hate those. Lori, what's your... You were separated at birth, although I think I could be old enough to be your mother. What, uh,

what, no, no. Thank you. Thank you. What is your, what's your favorite housewife franchise? Yeah.

Well, recently I binged every season, every reunion. O. C. Married to medicine. Married to medicine. Married to medicine.

Hey, under the radar. That's a sleeper. Huh. I do. We've had a, I also know. I love Beverly Hills because I'm obsessed with L.A. And it's old school.

And it's something that I always, when you watch it, it's like, wow, look at the things they're doing. And it's, and hello? I just lost you guys. No, we're here. Oh. It revolves around a lot of people in the industry and fabulous storylines. So Beverly Hills, I've always loved. I love old school New York. Yeah, old school New York.

But New Jersey and Rhode Island. It's Northeast trash, I think, what you guys are. And I live here. We're from there. Repeled by that. Yeah. So I had a house in New Jersey. And so I'm here to tell you, it's just not my thing.

Okay. Well, bye-bye, Mahalitas. And this is when we get to. We're back on the boat. Back on the boat. And Lacey's disgusted by what Jesse did. Disgusted. Mm-hmm.

Now, Kristen plays the whole thing off well when she hears what Jesse tells her. And I thought for a moment there was a sense of maturity that she had to her. Things are really stressful right now for us. He could probably say some things that are not, he doesn't mean. The temperature is a little hot. That dissipates within milliseconds. And she goes straight to Luke. And listen, she's not great.

But to be fair to her, she has to contend. with this squirrel, this fucking squirrel-brained, fucking fisherman. He caught that fish. I cannot stand this guy. So we talk about that random fish. Well, we'll get there. I don't believe him that he caught that fish. Me neither.

That was the, shit on that too. Yeah. No reservations episode where they're throwing octopus in the water and to pretend like they were there. Luke, did you talk about canceling our wedding? Now, this is where he fucks up. Yeah.

I would have said, no uh jesse's a liar yeah also a drunk and i would have just ended it there and dealt with it later when the show debuted deny deny deny instead he's like yeah i did yeah i did uh and hey i'll tell you what else i'm glad i said it because at least it's making you pay attention to my fucking feeling that's right you fucking oh shit sorry that was a dick thing to say i'm gonna leave you now and go sleep. I'm going to take a nap. I'm going to go take a nap.

Lori, I don't know if you and your husband have this type of arrangement. My wife and I have a rule. We didn't even start out this way, but somehow we agreed upon it years later into our marriage. We never threatened divorce. We've never, no matter how bad the fights have gotten over the years, we never go, I want a divorce or I could divorce you. We've never said that to one another. No.

I think it's an important thing. No, I think it's because then it's the boy who cried. Wolf, we also never threatened to sleep with each other's parents. And that's been a boundary that we have never crossed. Yeah, that's really mature of you guys. I, um, I, my wife's mother's not a track. Wow. Okay.

This is awkward. For the mom. I'm going to fuck your mom, okay? Get the fuck out of you. I'm going to have sex with your fucking mom. Aw. Okay, so we get back. It could be fair to Luke, he knew that if he just tried to reason with Kristen,

it would be met with a complete open mind and maturity. Yeah. That he would deserve this far end to this not relationship. Yeah. Thank you for saying that, Lori. I think you're 100% right. All right. So Michelle heads back.

She did not get fucked, but looked like she did. And we get. Well, I said, didn't you guys think, be honest. It's just between us. Yeah. No, everybody stopped listening right now. Yeah, yeah.

When, when Lala said, and Lala loves to just throughout the sexually, and knows it's too much. It's just, she's doing too much, but when she says,

you look like you were freshly, didn't you think, what does she look like after Drey takes a dig in her? She looks like she got electrician. It looks like she broke into some, you know, heavily secured facility.

Now, do you think her, do you think we didn't see? and it gets brought up in the reunion. The reason Lacey went so hard on Jesse to act appropriate, do you think Lacey and Michelle had a little moment? Oh, whoa. I don't think so,

but I think that they probably would be more attracted to one another than either of them are to Jesse. And I see if the show does go for fourth season, I see Michelle and Lacey's bond growing stronger. I do too. I don't mind. that and I really am enjoying Lacey. Her backstory's phenomenal.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. And she's the only... I don't mind her. Yeah. Yeah, she's the only one with any kind of, I don't know, dynamism. Everybody else just kind of...

Okay. So, Luke and Kristen chat. And we get Luke asking Kristen if she's... Who? She's okay. Who? They go back to that, that dark, depressing hotel. room with the too hot nanny who I don't know where she comes from but all of a sudden you'll see this really hot nanny hoa cock the baby and she's got two seconds before the baby

cries and it just makes me not want to have kids yeah don't you have kids yeah but it just maybe maybe I shouldn't have oh um okay yeah no it's a very dark room and it's such a it's you know I hadn't thought about that the hotel rooms with kids are so, with babies, they're so dark. They're the darkest places. They're the darkest, quietest places.

Well, because you have to keep the shades closed. You gotta keep the shades closed. Because babies are fucking annoying. God forbid. The thing about a reality trip, a reality cast trip, they never go well.

Like that's the point. But then you throw in a baby. And then what's her face? Nia brings that, and I'm going to be honest. Adela. A little orange, The little orange baby that she has attached to her breast.

Yeah. A little while I was kind of like, that's a cute little baby. Yeah. There's something about that baby. And then I was like, it was grown from Danny. Well, they all are. It's so crazy. Let's go.

Because that little baby. Shut the fuck up. I love that little baby. That little baby is so beautiful and adorable. And it started in Let's go. When I'm in L.A. Can you and I, because this one's going to be in Napa, you know, and Chucky Cheese celebrating his birthday.

You and I, we go where they live in, they live in like La Cotta. Santa Clarita. Arizona, right? Yeah, New Mexico, yes. We go. And it's not kidnapping because we're not keeping it. Right. Here's the thing.

As badly as I would like to smosh that little baby, I can't go to Santa Clarita. It is a very disgusting... Dylan will take you to Jacks. I know the owner. We'll go to Muso and Franks, which is a place that I want to go all the time, but Pat can't go because he'll be killed if he walks.

I can go there now. Things have been worked out. All right, whatever. Okay, fine. Can we go downstairs and go to the party? Yeah. Well, I mean... By the way, I love an all-inclusive buffet. Oh, yeah.

A good one is... a really, it's an exciting moment when you look at everything that's before you. And then I think after about a plate and a half, you go, there is no good buffet, is there? They don't exist. People breathing over it, people talk to. And what I clocked is Brittany saying, is that a salad? Can I have some ranch? And I'm like, that, that hoe is so not just eating a salad.

And sure enough. She can say that. Yeah, she can say that. We can't say that. Now, I was, good to be me. I was pretty hard on Lacey this season. And I didn't know, you know, obviously her traumatic pass.

Oh, yeah. She looks so pretty when she came down these stairs tonight. And we all know I was hard on her with my lowbrow remarks. What do you tell Lori what you said? Well, I would say we didn't really know what she looked. looked like and that she'd wear so much foundation, you could, well, you could, you say, it could hold up the Empire States building on top of her face. Yeah. And then, but now she's a beautiful girl and it's not like I said before. You could touch her face and it wouldn't be

Damon Wayne's, you're a big man to admit your own. Oh yeah. Now I'm, it's, I'm, I was so wrong. You said you could chip it off. Well, it was like grout. Um, if you just touched it too hard, parts of her face would chip off. All right. Let's move on. But not anymore. She's beautiful. Everybody's beautiful. Zach looks like a baby. And Janet is... What about that thing around his face? What about that thing around his face? I'm happy. And then Tom put it on.

Yeah. Oh, Swartsey. Anything for a bit? You love Schwartzie, Lori. You really do. Okay, this is my thing about Schwarzy. I just feel like the feeling of someone that hugs you that is just so special and sweet and guni. I don't have that in my life.

you don't need and i have had a tom schwartz hug and it does feel like that oh you don't need that do i not no you don't need what do i need uh do you have a meditation app i hear people need those okay let's get to michelle and danny who have a chat and danny approaches her pretty um he's on the offense this birthday so why not pick a fight with one of the last for many people people who like him. So she didn't say that he made her uncomfortable. She wants to clarify she was talking about how he makes everybody else feel uncomfortable. And Danny says you can't make fucking generalized statements like that.

Okay. That's really, blanket. Blanket. Yes. You can't make blanket statements like that, which is, um, Danny, you have to pick your battles. Okay. Trying to police the way that.

Michelle is summarizing the sentiment towards you. It's not a battle you need to pick. Again, everyone is uncomfortable about you and by you. So don't fight with Michelle about this. Also, this is why Danny and Nia in their strategy this season was so dumb and they're so unable to pivot. They're trying to push through a steel door. The cast is firm in where they're going with the direction. It should have just been like, all right, what are we going to do?

do. Okay, I got it. Let's own what you've done and let's change the narrative. Say, I acted like an idiot. I've been stupid. Do not hand him the sword to just stab you over and over with this. He just continues the narrative by not giving in, right? And let's not forget. They have Dr. Dre on their team now. Well, but also, like, are you not, we've been dealing with this for a season and two seasons now are you not fatigued by this narrative with just just this one season i just am always amazed by all of these reality stars who i get forgetting the cameras are there but i don't get forgetting the cameras are there right right right i love that i love that one of the beautiful things about real housewives of rhode island which i know you're not a fan of lorry is they kept the

storylines are moving. Rula in her... They did. They did. Rula's marriage was the through line, which was always interesting because there was always new video of Brian, but every week there was another shoe that dropped. Oh, look, he's banging her outside of a wah-wa.

Again, I'm jealous. My husband, sometimes the way he holds his tongue in his mouth, I want to leave him. This man, this Brian, is banging everything in sight, including your mom or your mother-in-law.

You said it's not even attractive. That's right. Right. She's standing by her man. Yeah, I know. It's a delusion that is really admirable. So we wrap things up with Michelle and Danny by Danny saying, if I make people uncomfortable, they can come to me and I will apologize to them. I love that salve that we're going to put on this thing. Don't change. Just have people come up to you and take a kind of sorrowful communion that you're going to deliver. It's just nuts. So, Nia, Kristen, and Zach Chat, and they discussed Janet being a shitster. Then Brittany approaches, then Jasmine. And then the case is made that Janet is trying to cause trouble. Enter Janet

Michelle. And then Kristen mocks Janet. Now, this is what's interesting here is. This is a big Kristen moment for Lori, because there's no way out of this wet paper bag. She's just being absolutely awful here. Okay, sorry, go ahead. Oh, no. Did she grow? I don't mean with. Did she grow, Kristen? She seems much taller this, this time in her life. She's more foreboding. Yeah, she's more imposing. I think this is some of the

fourth wall stuff where this is cast bullshit. This is, Kristen might have heard that Janet signed a deal where she made $10,000 more an episode this season, and there's some resentment. So she's going to demean her for not what it's really about. But also, there was just

this thing where Janet just told Brittany they fall for this this whipping votes kind of thing that Kristen is doing where she's like this was relayed without the proper context this was clearly a tactic

not really I mean she was texting back and it's a nasty dime dropping but you did say all of the things that you said and so yeah you did side with Nia and Danny and throw Brittany under the bus as a ranch eating drunk when you're supposed to be her best friend. So it's on you. Can I make a correction there?

Don't. Yeah, go ahead. There was no ranch. Manuel said we don't have ranch. Oh. Oh, I could have sworn Manuel had ranch. No. No, we did not have ranch.

First, and I want to thank Lori for that, because those are the important details that the audience gets extremely upset about. I think so true. Let me ask about this because you guys are seasoned Valley Watch. Is Janet a potster? Because remember of just seeing this one, she seems like she's just sort of spitting facts. She's a tactician. Yeah.

And she has been more of a potter in the past. Now, Janet has been on the outside of Vanderdipump rules. I assume you as a Verinder Pump fan, have you noticed her in the background for multiple seasons? Yes. Okay. Yes. So she's been dying to get on this television program

for many years. In fact, Anne, famously the assistant to Tom and Ariana was Janet's assistant for a little while. Stop it. Yeah. So, what was her name again? Anne. Ann. We love Ann. Yeah. We love Ann Maddox.

All right. So, Danny is pissed and he's talking to his Kingsguard, all of his boys at the table. When Lala heads over. And when she has on the baboobo, you know that this is an activated not fucking around la la la yes um she's going to get hood oh she's getting hood i'm going to go with adderall by the way okay yeah and i i think that so qualifies as sober um california sober yeah i think that you know you can uh lots of people have ruined their lives on methamphetamine salts uh so i'd be leery but it might be uh it makes sense because coming

down on Adderall at the end of the day. I've heard from other people. I have no idea what it feels like. Yeah, your skin feels like lightning. And the smallest grievance will fly you into the stratosphere. So I think that, I don't know, maybe you might be right. Who knows? And we know that Daniel, as his Stepford wife calls him, is not a small grievance.

Daniel, Daniel, Daniel. I think that Daniel might be, and it's crazy because Nia is so gorgeous. Dunding. But you know what I thought last night? I watched it last night. It sounds like you watched it tonight. Yeah. She's almost, and I see this with some men too, she's almost too pretty.

Yeah. There's a kind of uncanny quality to it. But when she says Daniel. my vagina dries up like a raisin. It's just like, oh, my God. Well, that's her, that's like your mother scolding you with your full name saying, Patrick? Yeah, it's really off-putting. So this is a few things happen here that are interesting.

She's trying to get him out of this situation. And also, I think this is really the come to Jesus moment for her where she's like, we shouldn't have been on this show. These people are horrible people that aren't real friends. Yeah, this is a bad situation. And I finally realized that this is all here to just destroy us. Can I tell you something? It's the only show that they could be on.

Everyone is too soft a target to take them down. No, no, no. See, what you guys don't know about me is I'm obsessed with cults. Yeah. And I've watched every single reality TV cult and docu. They could easily have one of those shows on TLC. But I think that this is the easiest environment for them in terms of like predatory behavior. Right.

This is such a walk in the park compared to other shows. Dylan's making the case that on other reality shows, these two people would have been eaten alive much quicker. The fact that like there's no real apex predators. on this tell like jacks if he was still on here he would have killed danny immediately just eating him alive or what about the other seasons was jacks he was a target of jacks jacks was making fun of him now the problem with with that um effort made by jacks is that jacks had a very serious drug problem so he actually went to a shack in woodland hills for a couple weeks i called it so yeah he got you did call the facility on the show, which I believe we caught a fair amount out because it was just very uncomfortable.

But. You guys really do the work that no one else puts the effort into. Thank you very much, Lori, for saying that. I have a question. So it's going around the interwebs. It seems like you do research, Lori. I heard Danny and Nia did not show up for the reunion. Have you heard that?

Ruby said that they're not renewing for the four. Oh, is that what it is? Okay. I don't think that's been substantiated. It's a little bit like soccer transfer rumors. I'll just believe it once it's over the line. When the ink's dry, let me know. Otherwise, because they would be filming right now. Well, I'm in a text with Lacey right now.

Oh, get out of here. Are you really? Yeah, so I'm going to. Interesting. By the way, we don't want Danny and Nea back. Period. I don't want to sound like a pig, but Nia is really beautiful. I like having Nia.

She can be a friend of the show. You can almost have the Cynthia Bailey arc. Do you watch Atlanta? Yes. So remember she was born again and she was totally servient to that first husband. And now she's banging every animal sex in Adam. And she could have that arc, Nea. And you guys would love that.

Hey, you would love it too. Hey, hey, hey, you would love it too. Fine. But she could. They could divorce and she could really get her freak flag on. I would love that. But we'll see. So thank God for Lala, who I think is bringing it.

I really do think she's bringing it this season. She's getting a lot of hate. She's getting a lot of hate. I don't get it. I don't get it. Because it's so, it's so clearly contrived, I think. The whole thing. She's,

it's going to look more contrived if she doesn't have any fucking help. Lala is looking around at this herd of lemmings just going, can someone please help me make this show watchable? She was playing with the big leagues, right? Yeah. She's used to being on like the highest quality team.

And now she's back in kindergarten. And yes, it's contrived, but what is she supposed? She needs to do something. Right. I get it. She can't be like Swartz and hire a mariachi band to show up at someone's apartment and think they earn their pay. Okay. I want to say two things that he's special. Yes. Okay. Yes. So two things that will, that she says to which I was really relieved to hear her say directly to Nia. One, why the fuck am I talking to you? What are you doing?

with this Jedi force field. Brittany mentions it off camera because again, she won't get into any conflict, but she refers to him as a kicker who's behind the offensive line. But the second thing is that Lala says to Nia, you're pulling him away because she, Nia frames it is this, we just want to D.S.

No, no, no. You're pulling him away because you know that he's going to fucking embarrass you and he's going to embarrass himself. that's why you're getting him out of here. 100% true. Enough with this whole de-escalation thing. You just don't want the fighting. No, you have an image to protect

and your husband is the sharpest harpoon to take it down. What Nia should have said is, well, maybe she did in a way is why are you over here? Leave us alone. Show, show, show, show. You are right, though. It's just so out of place.

Like, if there was more, like first Lala's position, was I'm defending you, Nia. That's why I'm going after this drunk little guy. Right. I'm protecting you in your honor because he was being a dick to you. Right. Now it's, I'm just coming after him and why are you standing in his, in the way? Yeah.

Right. So it's very odd. It doesn't make any sense. Now we're going. Yeah, we all forget how she rode so hard for Randall and defended him. And he was one of the worst. I know, but he had material goods. He did. I thought we were going to have so much fun.

All right. So it's late on the East Coast. We want to get you out of here. But we're just wrapping things up. Nia begs Daniel to come up to the hotel room and bang her. But he, because he's a drunk, has picked a fight and he wants to continue fighting. He wants to continue sucking down Meskow and fighting with the rest of this guy. Of all, it was Meskell and Sprite. It might have been seven up. He talks to a bartender who probably doesn't speak English and says, ponderes, why is my birthday not great?

And he said, sir, I barely speak your language. God. And he says, I'm not comfortable around you. You make me uncomfortable. Hard liquor and soda is a real alcoholics drink. If you're drinking liquor with Sprite or with, I understand that there's a Jack and Coke cocktail you can go out and get, but I feel like I don't know, it's just vodka and Coke or tequila and Sprite.

I feel like you're in a garage somewhere just really hammering it back. When Bravo production is packing up the stuff for the night and they're turning out the lights outside of the buffet and he's still sitting there, it's a problem it's heartbreaking so we wrap we wrap with uh janet or with um uh nia and christin talking and danny sitting alone at a bar nia going upstairs and crying and we i think the finale is the finale yeah wow uh i think it is no it's the finale of in the season next in the city that's right that's right right um everyone go listen to What's called, Lori?

Lori alternate. Fan or fan. Fan or fanatic. Leave five stars. Tell her the bad TV sent you. I know that ratings and reviews are a little antiquated and it's not that important anymore, but it would be fun if you have the time. Go leave five stars.

Tell them bad TV sent you. Thank you so much for joining us. You were so fun. This is our first time meeting you. It felt very lovely to talk to you about this awful show. Yeah. It really puts into perspective what's important in life. Thank you.

And what's important is maybe this show coming back because I was thinking I didn't want it to, but you guys, you guys have made me see the importance of it. Thank you. Yeah, we're like little yogis in that regard. We're spiritual teachers. Thank you so much for joining us. We had a blast with you. Everyone go listen to her show.

I'm Dylan saying goodbye. Pat say goodbye. Bye. Lori. Thank you, guys. Music.