Another Below Deck Podcast - Decapitations from Mexico | The Valley S3 E14

Episode Date: July 5, 2026

Dylan and Pat are back to break down turtles, heads being lopped off, drinking, love, boobs, bees and more from Bravo's The Valley.PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/anotherpodcastnetwork  YOUTUBE: https://www.youtube.com/@badtvpod  INSTAGRAM: https://www.instagram.com/badtvpodcast/?hl=en

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she would love to see Jason with another man. Get out of here. Get the fuck out of here. All right. So back to the hotel room. Oh, by the way, of all the breasts that I was as a pig guy rating, you know, because they were all beautiful.

Rating. How did you see it? And I knew it. Swartz had the saddest floppiest tits. Swartz had the floppiest tits. Yeah, what's up? Happy Forth. Happy Morth.

It's bad TV. And I'm Dylan. that's Pat. Great to be here. What are you guys doing for the fourth? We're having people over. Well, actually, we're going to a Fourth of July parade down the street. Okay.

That's in the morning afternoon. And then they have food trucks lined up. Okay. Then we're going to come back. Everyone's going to regroup, take a nap. Then we're having a barbecue starting at four with a bunch of families coming over. Okay. Then at 8.30, we will leave here and we will walk to a street called Valley Springs.

And we will watch two fireworks shows, one from Universal Studios, from our views. point and the second from the Toluca Lake golf course. Wrap up around 9.30, come home and go to bed. Okay, am I invited to the barbecue? Yes. You want to come? How hot is it going to be? I don't think it's that.

I think it would be like 82, but it starts around 430. So bring Lucy by. We'd love it. You think? Mm-hmm. Okay, maybe we'll bring Lucy by. So listen. Are you?

Am I listening? Yeah. Yes. Okay, great. So public service announcements, We have stuff of patreon.com slash another podcast network. Do you want to tell people about what we have there? Well, yeah, we're recapping in the city,

which will always give you a little sample of, which you're probably going to hear on this feed. In the city. You have to give, if you haven't tried in the city, you have to give it, you got to give it a couple episodes. I know that's hard for some people to just dip their toes in,

but you really have to. And then you'll start going, you know what, I'm interested in some of these characters. You know, I felt bad I was doing a really long kind of paragraph on Gavin's face and the different kind of contours and perplexing features of his face. Gavin is a character in the city. He's not a gossipy gay man, but he is. He's awful. Just awful. But by that you mean wonderful television. He has no business asking the questions he

asked. He has no business commenting on the things that he sees. And yet that does not stop him. So I was thinking like, you know what? I'll save it for in the city. Okay. I felt bad about writing the things that I did. Did I delete them? Am I going to say them? I'm not sure.

But we're covering that. We're also covering APS. We just did a breakdown of a new species of zombie called the Cinebum. We're going to do another APS today. Where I'm going to talk about what it's like to go to SeaWorld post-documentary Blackfish, I believe 13 years later. and what that place looks like now. And I'll tell you, it's not fun.

This is what people have to understand. Yes, it's not right to cattle prod. Gigantic mammals. Gigantic mammals. Arcane and ancient beings. But look at SeaWorld now. It's not even good. Let me tell you some.

You know it sucks so bad that every 15 feet there's a fucking margarita bar. They're trying to make. make you forget how awful that place is. Really? Yes. That's pretty cool. Although a theme park margarite is probably pretty shitty. Yeah.

Okay. Well, so yeah, go. Oh, I'm also going to talk about how we had another gathering here on Saturday, which was a potluck, probably like four families. And several of the families have food allergies and whatnot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here's the rule. When you come to a potluck, you bring food that everybody can eat.

You don't bring that for cockta. Save it. Save it. Save it. We're here to talk about the valley. We're in Mexico still. Zach was almost decapitated. And I mean seriously, he was almost decapitated.

If that vehicle was going 30 miles an hour faster and his giant blockhead was two inches taller, probably would have taken his head off. 2011, everyone can look it up. Starline tours, who I sold my tour company to. Yeah. That almost killed our deal because there was a teenage kid who stood up on the upper deck of that.

They had rented it out. I don't know for a school thing. His senior year. Where to get cleaved off? On the 405. Yeah. It took his fucking head off. Yeah.

Do you imagine? This is the Getty Villa. They were Nazis. Oh my God. Oh my God. Now, to be fair to them, if I'm getting this correctly, the bus driver had, who's down on the first floor driving the bus, said, don't do that. Had repeatedly said, sit in your seat.

Yeah. But they were all, they had snuck alcohol in the bus. Again, I believe I'm getting the facts correct. Sucking a little four loco down, right? But they were getting the sued into the fucking ground for that one. That's almost what happened to Zach this evening. And couldn't have made me happier. Now, if he got to Capitated, I wouldn't have been happy.

I would have been that that's awful. But it was fun to see Zach get shit on and then get his hand banged off a sign just because he's so grating. The rest of the episode, Janet continues. I don't understand. We need to issue a mandate. if you're going to be on reality TV, there should be a little bit of a clause in the contract

that don't get up clause. Okay. We can't shut down. We can't, we can't be avoidant on reality TV. It's not, it's the death of a reality TV character. You cannot be avoiding it.

You have to be confrontational. Janet is, I don't think Janet's making it for a fourth season, let alone, if they're even going to film a fourth season, I give this 12 rotten hails. I am, I'm going to just get a,

out of the gate and clear my thoughts with this because I don't want to get in trouble with the audience. Please do. Please do. Janet was hinting at, or more than hinting, that something horrific happened to her. Yes. And then she had said that what transpired between Danny and Melissa two seasons ago of him smacking her on the ass and him just being a regular drunken pig triggers her on a regular basis. Yeah.

Okay. I understand that. However, I don't think you get to be a cast member. and then repeatedly get triggered and graph that on this little drunken guy. As much as I hate him, you've signed up to be on a show with this guy, and we can't just keep reliving this over and over, Janet. But this is also a little bit of Janet cries wolf, where we can't necessarily trust the motives with Janet, right?

So we've seen the... Well, I wanted to take her at face value. I'm not saying... I'm just saying, you know, we've been told we've got to believe the allegations. No, no, and we do. And you should. but when you see Janet weaponize a lot of things mores like that or whatever the word is the accusation of Danny while true seems pointed timed and purposeful now we've got this

not saying that it's not real we're just saying bit of an unreliable narrator also avoidant not good 12 rotten house very eloquently defended okay okay um so that was pretty interesting and sad uh yeah him almost getting his head taken off. That was interesting as well. A lot of tits tonight's episode. Lots of Michelle. This is a new Michelle. Yeah.

Or maybe it's the old Michelle and we just haven't seen it. Michelle addressing... Why'd you start talking like Regis Philbin there? Did I do that? Are you sure? You did? You really did. Michelle confronting Jesse about his...

I guess physicality with Lacey on this joint trip. Sure, sure, sure. The canoodling, the smootling. I found that very, I found that laughable. Uh-huh. Seeing as, well, the beekeeper, you know, and her living with him and such. You know?

Bzz. Right. It was a little ridiculous. And a reminder, she was too thought for him. That's right. Well, she didn't work out enough. Yeah. There was a lot going on along those lines back and not.

2025, I heard. Did you hear that about 2035? Well, love is flying. A guy told the girl, he says, you don't work out. You know, I got to dump you. Oh, that's right. Here's the thing. Like, it's fucking, like, fucking crazy.

Like, I want to fucking, like, like, I want to fuck, I want to fucking, like, fuck people who do fucking Pilates. And I'm not saying that she's not fucking beautiful. I fucking think she is. It's just, she's fat. So I'm not going to. I'm not going to leave right now. I think she's fat. Well, you are five foot three.

So that's not even a subjective thing. That's just cold, hard fat. Oh, you just reminded me. Line of the night from Jasmine when Danny was drunk in the back of that bus. She said, well, Nia finally has her five under five. Five under five. Nice one, Jasmine. So Danny in the back of that bus, I finally rendered a decision on him.

Okay. I thank God, because I'd like for you to come down one way or another. I have. You've been Switzerland for seasons. Okay. He is an awful person in the throes of alcoholism and verbal abuse with his wife. And God knows what happens behind those closed doors. Yes, I understand the veneer that they attempt to put up as a front for all of us.

That's what's so frustrating. It's like with Nia and Rula, I'm fine with women sticking by their men if their men are going through about that is extraordinary. They slipped up or perhaps they, I don't know, they're just going through a hard period. They're not themselves. Yes. But if it's a habitual, pathological, just character type, that's where I'm like, what are you doing? Get out of there. This is how he behaves when he thinks he's not being that bad with cameras rolling. Right. I do not know what happens behind closed doors and that's a scary thing he's an awful person nea you should leave him i think she's obviously trying to hold it together that's her whole job while they're filming i think she

i think she gets a kick out of it hmm interesting take yeah i'm gonna give it 14 bumps really that's two more bumps than me i know a bump can kill you right oh yeah if you're if you've done like an eight ball and then you do two more bumps. I could send you over the edge, right? Oh, yeah. Especially if there's fentanyl in it. It killed like at least four of my relatives since 2020. No, I'm talking about pre-relative or pre-fentanyl. Oh, okay. Oh. Well, it gives you a heart attack later in life. What Chris Farley die from? Cocaine. But did it give him a heart attack? It gives you a heart attack. It gives you a heart attack. He had a lot of stuff in his system, to be fair. But what else? Oh, God, I just watched autopsy Chris Farley on the reels. They do some great work there.

Cocaine, I think he had a form of ecstasy. I don't know why you haven't started. Definitely a bunch of drugs, antidepressants. You need to start a competitive celebrity autopsy channel. But more of a comedy slant. Well, for sure, but also you could just make stuff up. That's why you have to hide your IP address. Give it to Yahoo. Have him started. So if any estates come after you for defamation, one, you could send a letter saying chill out they're dead. Two, It's Yahoo's IP. Dylan's referring to Yahoo, my personal assistant, my director of communications. And your CFO.

And out of an office in the Philippines. We aren't speaking right now. I'll address that on PMZ. By the way, he said Ruby was hot. I told him to shut up. Oh, okay. There was a bunch of stuff we weren't getting along with. Well, he's a young man, you know.

I would take it easy on him. He's only 12 years old. My name is Shannon Maldonado. I'm the founder of Yawi, a gift shop from the lens of artists and handmade objects. I chose Shopify because when I was testing other platforms, it was definitely one of the most user-friendly. It was important to me to think about where we would be in the future, all of the tools for reading your sales like planning inventory. They're just right there on your dashboard. For anyone starting a small business, the biggest thing I can tell you is it doesn't have to be perfect.

Shopify can help you build upon it. Start your free trial on Shopify.com. 13. He's 13 now. God the years go by so fast. There you. A kid smokes a pack of cigarettes a day. Welcome to the party. Janet is really overwhelmed right now. Okay. And what's been going on with Danny and Nia in this whole confrontation with everyone at this table is bringing up a lot of unresolved feelings that she can't speak on right now. Janet, I'm going to need you to talk about it, babe. This is what we do here, right? Now, I understand that, you know, maybe you don't want to get into the nitty-gritty details. But I don't know.

dead horse, but we can't keep getting up from the table and walking away. Okay, we can't Shannon Storm's badour. The snot-good TV won't allow. Now more. I'm done. You know, what was odd to me was the resident useless person was the one to be the shoulder to cry on. Swartsey. Hey, Janet.

Hey, everything okay? My agent said I get double pay and incidentals if I talk more than once in an episode. So this is it, I guess. All right. You okay? Keep it going. Bye. Now, can I say, you know, I was listening to the last episode and you were being pretty harsh on Schwartsey.

Talking about his fat, disgusting face, talking about his bloated, disgusting body. And now you're saying that he is a sniffing, Colombian Bam Bam before going over to talk to Janet. I just, I want to try to understand your hatred for Schwartz a little bit better. I know there was an askance look exchanged in a parking lot. But, but, but, but he's such an unremarkable fellow. I don't understand the ire. I just think he's a phony.

Also, I wasn't saying that he was doing drugs. What were you saying? That was a sound effect. apropos of nothing. It was just a sound effect. Exactly. Okay. So Michelle says that Danny makes everyone feel uncomfortable.

Janet cries to producers about vague triggerings, vague past trauma. It's her trauma to get into or not get into, but it's my, it becomes my problem if you're going to be bad on TV. Okay. So, I mean, what do you think about Janet reappearing for another season? I'm a very hard line. get up from the table, people get cut. Well, I hate her husband more than anything on the planet Earth.

So, really? The two come as a package. Do you hate her more than, do you hate Jason more than? Oh, absolutely. But let me, let's play a game. Who do you hate more? Jason or Karen Bass? Oh, the woman that ruined this city and helped burn down two municipalities.

Yeah. I'm going to go to Karen Bass. Okay. because she tried to cover up the fire report. Okay. But I still hate Jason. So point taken, well, do you hate Jason more or hot dogs more?

Oh, my wife tried to trick me into eating a hot dog this weekend by saying that it was a turkey dog. I still said no, because it's shaped, it's a pre-shaped dog. So that's a big no. I hate hot dogs more because they can make me physically ill. Right, right, right. Now, who do you hate more? Jason or Corey Felt? Oh, Jason.

Really? Corey's hilarious. Okay. Well, the point being, there are a few things you hate more than Jason, but he's pretty high up on the list. So maybe we won't see that next season. Michelle says that Danny makes everyone feel uncomfortable. And Nia continues with the staunch defense of her husband explaining that Jesse's behavior is also inappropriate. And to Nia, I would say, you are correct in that.

Jesse gyrating on people and calling his wife an affordable whore is not... Ouch, that one hurt. It's not appropriate, and it makes people uncomfortable. Here's the thing, though. It's a little bit like slots. Or what's the one that wheels around? Roulette. Roulette.

It's a little bit like roulette. Just because you get two blacks in a row doesn't mean you're going to get a red, right? Probability says that's not more likely than anything. Exactly. So really, this has nothing to do. do with the other. I mean, I guess it does because they bring up Danny more often. But the thing is Jesse doesn't, I'm sick of being gaslit by this situation. The volume of Danny doing this is so much higher than Jesse. The final scene of the evening, him in the back of that bus,

tells, says everything you need to know about this. If they had her Jasmine occasionally in the back of the bus doing that, they'd be doing the same thing to her. They'd be like, do you realize when you drink, you start screaming at your future wife, Melissa, and verbally abuse her. Right. Maybe you should stop drinking. And then if she fought back, then the cast would start building a case against her. Yeah. So, no, this is a acceptable case that they are making against Danny.

And the fact that he will not stop drinking also says, dude, you're a fucking alcoholic. Yeah. You have a problem that's going to destroy your marriage and your family. family. Right. Eventually. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. You're, I'm just so happy that you're, you're on the wagon now. I am. Okay. The final scene helped me. I was coming around to it because I was like, I was taking up with Nia's case that she was making this episode and has made several times in the last few episodes, which is everyone's a fucking mess.

Everyone's a drunk. Everyone's touching each other. And you could say that you could make that argument. But Danny does it in a very different, dark. way. And we're just seeing, the cast members are seeing it with these film times, where they're filming. They're also seeing the other shit too. That isn't okay. Yeah, right. Exactly. Yeah, no, he's a problem. He's dark side Danny. Now, um, we get to Lacey arriving or is there anything else at the, at the lunch that you want to tackle? Let's see. Janet returns and that's when

everyone says, hey, let's head out of here, right? Yeah. And then back at the hotel, yeah, Lacey arrives. and they let her know that peeps are all coming for Danny. And then she is a Danny defender as well at this point. She said, can everybody just lay off Danny? Now, the problem with Lacey is she's not watching this show. She's filming it at this juncture. And she has no idea the scope of dark side. She also lives in Orange County.

She's removed from the kind of epicenter of the dark side. So, yeah, she doesn't really know what she's talking about here. But I love Lacey when she comes down. She says, you know, of course, Zach erupts out of the pool and pretends like their best friends. And she says, yeah, it's so good to see you guys. I was actually relaxing in my hotel room. I heard the buoyant screams of this giant Lego boy. And I came down.

It's actually really kind of frustrating. Frustrating. Yeah, I was up there. And I was like, finally, I've landed. And then I heard a grown man screaming like a child in a pool. So I'm down here. It's good to see you guys. We do a very cool activity, protected turtle migrations to the sea.

Nothing drives me crazy. A goddamn Siegel coming and picking up a turtle. I guess a seagull, get out of here, man. You don't know what you're doing. But Siegel's got to eat. Well, I wish it was just one seagull, Dylan. They let out that full box of little sea turtles. Yeah.

Probably, I don't know, 50 of them. Yeah. I can guarantee not one goddamn one of them is going to live. Seagulls will surround that area until they pick each and every one of them off. But that's the thing. It's a guided migration. It's essentially, it's a crusade. It is, but with human intervention.

Brittany is the knight of the Templar that these people need, these turtles need to get home. Well, I'd argue, just throw them in the fucking water. No, they need to learn how to squiggle. If you don't do that, there's, you lose the evolutionary bridge, okay? the sea turtles will be vagrants. They'll be drug addicts. You need to have them get over that first tell. But I got to say,

I do think that Brittany and Colorado man and whoever else was standing there probably just forgot about it. And what we did not see was off camera. There was a massacre. Oh. Oh, yeah. Yeah, they were watching the turtles

and then Brittany goes, by the way, the other night, I hope you understand where I'm coming from, just fucking D-Day behind that. Here's the bright side. That entire. box of those things? Uh-huh.

Five bucks. No. No. Hey, today's episode is brought to you by Loomy. I love Loomy. I need more Loomie. Me too. Luckily for us, we don't have to pay for it because we can get it for free.

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Thank you, Loomi, for sponsoring the show. Life is cruel. It is very cruel. It is very cruel. And, you know, the disgrace, Louis C.K. Is it a new special out? And he said that... It's about sea turtles?

No, but he said that there's a woman in an old folks home that looked like a giant dead baby bird. And he started talking about... When you see a baby bird that's dead on the ground, We've all seen it. They fall from the nest. We kind of walk past and we go, oh my God, look, it's the saddest thing I've ever seen.

Then we keep walking. Oh, my God. Is that? Oh, do they sell pizza there now? Cool. Oh, my God. Do you want a slice honey? Literally the saddest thing I've ever seen.

Kids, how many do we, how many did we order? There is a hilarious clip because Ben Stiller is all about like homeless people and advocate. There is a fucking hilarious. of a homeless guy basically on the ground, like falling, pieces, his ears falling off. He was like that ravage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Ben Stiller should have the best day of his life.

Yeah. And just talking to some other guy and walks right past him so close. Yeah. That they almost touch. And it was like this bum was the invisible bum. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He did not acknowledge him, notice him. No.

And severance is great. And we love Ben, right? We love... I know, but don't be on your fucking soapbox. Because cameras are everywhere. to pretend to see the bum. You do. See the bum.

But here's the thing about even feigning to see the bum. Our defense mechanism, and it's this evolutionary jump that we have learned in the last seven years. It's happened so quickly. To pretend they are invisible is the only way because otherwise our empathy kicks in. We go, oh my God, do you need anything? Can I get you anything? Not for me.

But this is what I'm saying. I love to film me. TMZ's like, hey Pat, you're a podcaster. TNZ arrival. They hit a bunch of nobodies all the time. They're always like finding nobody's. They're like, hey, I think this guy does a podcast with 50,000 listeners. Hey, Pat, did we just see you walk by a homeless person?

Don't you feel like a dick for a? No, absolutely not. Hi, Harvey. Hi, the guy that I don't know your name. No, that guy's a fucking bum. I don't give a fuck. They ruin the city. They're a bunch of drug addicts.

Any next question? Okay. Now, um, you B-TMZ, you come up to me. Hey, hey, how you doing, Dylan? What's going on? Hey, bad TV, big, big podcaster. Hey, thank you. Did you just walk by a homeless guy? I did. I did.

They are everywhere. And here's the thing. Uh, I recognize that there are people, but they do make me sick. So. All right, man. Great seeing you. You guys have a good day. Okay.

Good talking to man, thank you. Yeah, no problem. So, we get to... Well, the group, Michelle, Jesse, Swartz, and he had Danny, Kristen, they all go shopping. They all go shopping. And this is where Michelle,

corner is poor Jesse. He was having a great season, by the way. Redemption, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she goes, hey, man, try and cool it with the physical affection in front of me, you know? It's kind of hard for me to see you making out with her.

You know, it was hard for him to see you? for two seasons? Those fucking eyes. Oh my God. They were wide open. They never blinked. Almost like there were large entryways for, you know, bees.

You know, it's so crazy to have a conversation with Aaron, you know, Aaron is a hybrid human, but he is human. There's an element of him that's human. So he'll ultimately need to blink. Now, when he does blink, I'm confused whether it happens so fast. You're astounded that that much skin could cover that much ground in that little time.

Or if it's so slow that you're like, my God, I've never seen a human being blink like that before. Are you a hybrid? Are you a bee man? If I ever get to talk to Michelle, we get a couple cocktails in us, it wouldn't be the first question. It'd probably be two hours in. I'd be like, the bee guy. Did he keep his eyes open while you guys were. having sex.

Yeah. And she'll, she'll chuckle and she'll go, yeah, he did. And it weirded me out. What's up with her and Dr. Dre? They're together.

They are. Mm-hmm. They are. Are they really? They are. They confirmed it. That's crazy. I bet she,

it must have been they met during a real estate deal. I cannot see him being a fan of Bravo's the Valley. What is they got, what is she going to do next season when her boyfriend is Dr. Dre?

He'll be on it. No, he won't? Oh, I bet you're asses. Are you out of your mind? There are famous basketball players now on fucking Real Housewives Atlanta. Like Charles Oakley is on Real Housewives Atlanta now. Charles Oakley, Charles Barkley or Charles Oakley? Oakley, I believe. Okay, Charles Oakley is not Dr. Dre. Dr. Dre is one of the most wealthy and famous people on planet Earth. What's he going to do? Go to a fucking barbecue with Brittany. Oh my God.

I was listening to NWA the other day. Unbelievable music. Absolutely not. If you don't think producers right now in her negotiations are do we get to have him show up to two different parties? Yeah, she goes, no.

She goes yes. And he goes no. And she goes, no more blowjobs. And he goes, fine. Goodbye. You don't think Dr. Drake can find a blowjob around the city? Holy shit. All right.

So, Nia speaks Spanish to the coconut person. And Kristen takes her tits out to hop in the ocean. Now, Michelle joins the fray. And when Michelle joins the fray, it takes her tits out. What does that mean? The harp strings of Cupid must play because Janet has to pretend to be a lesbian. That's true. That's another storyline.

She's, Bisexual. Bisexual. Right. That's a storyline that she's really trying to shove down our throats. I don't buy it for a goddamn second. By the way, one of the Mormon wives came out as bisexual.

It was a big moment. It was big for her. Wow. Well, first you turn by. Well, first you're sexually curious of girls. Then you become bi. Yep. And then you go all the way into lesbian.

That's the stages. That's what happened to Portia. Oh, is Porsche a full-blown now? Full-blown lesbian. Oh, really? See, no, I don't think that's, it's not a one-size-fits-all kind of thing. I don't think so. And I think us as podcasters, I'm not speaking for you, but myself, don't need to make a big goddamn deal.

Everyone is fluid these days. Who knows, I might start fucking a dude someday. I don't know. I want to be free. Everybody's fluid. When I look at Jake Gyllenhaal, am I lying when I say things don't happen to me? Yeah, that's a bold-faced lie. Now, I don't grow fully erect,

but something inside of me triggers. There's a spark somewhere, right? It's pretty gay. Maybe I'll be sucking a cock somewhere someday. Yeah. But what I can say is when Pat and I do start getting out there and getting hammered by men, it will not be contrived the way that Janet's storyline

and the Mormon Housewives storyline. I so wish Michelle would try and live. lay one on Janet. Yeah, I'd love to see. And see Janet completely, what's it called where you, with her? But the other word where you like, you kind of like, pull back, like, squirm? Squirm, but it's more like you don't. Recoil.

Recoil, that's the word. She would love to see Jason with another man. Get out of here. Get the fuck out of here. All right. So, back to the hotel room. Oh, by the way, of all the. breasts that I was kind of as a pig guy rating you know because they were all beautiful uh

raiding how did you see and I knew it Schwartz had the saddest floppiest tits Swartz had the floppiest tits he did he did I knew it yeah um also Janet you've given birth before this is how like I don't maybe I'm reading too much into this we have some women listening so maybe let us know 95% of our listening on it's very um telling that janet is like i would say there's a 9010 split on body compliments mhm christin is doing something very difficult she is unveiling a postpartum body three months four months going into the water and all janet can talk about is how hot michel's tits are it's like hey do you want to throw your girl compliment here and She does eventually, but like, I don't know.

There are little things that Janet does that I think make her possibly evil. She is evil. She's a thirsty, wannabe, evil person that cares about nobody but herself. It's so sad to see people who, evil people who have no power, that's bad. Oh, I love it. That was what Game of Thrones really, that was some of the best television. Are you watching? Uh-uh.

Not good. Are you going to watch? Eventually. Did you watch the second season? I was four or five episodes in. Yeah. It's bad. It's bad.

You could, I honestly, I don't like prequels. I already know, they got to do post. Ah, but it's a fascinating period of history. Of Western.

Clearly not. No, no, it is. I mean, when we, when we get to Game of Thrones, there are no dragons in the world.

This is the civil war that wrought the destruction of that species. I mean, it's a fascinating time. It didn't happen. So I shouldn't say it's a fascinating period in history, but, It's cool. Anyways, I think you could skip the second season entirely. Michelle and Janet, Brittany and Jazz.

So we're in the hotel rooms and we're all having various conversations. We're all having various conversations. And Brittany has made a breath that Kristen said that we need to actually talk about Britney's drinking. If I was Brittany, no more beans for Kristen. My can opener is firmly hidden in the drawer for Kristen. I'm not going to talk to her or no more. I'll tell you what, Chris, you come over. She's not getting any beans.

I'm not putting anything on the stove. Maybe I'll get you a glass of water. One thing that I don't think a lot of people caught, Michelle is absolutely fucking tanked. Yeah, Michelle's having such a good time. I love Michelle this season. She's been really fun. Now, Nia relays to Danny that...

Everyone thinks he's a fucking drunk. Everybody thinks he's drunk. And Danny to his little... in his little credit, in his little defense, says, I literally was just talking to everybody. They said it doesn't matter. And he's kind of right. They did say.

But that's just, you know those are one of those niceties. It's kind of like a wink and a nod. We're being nice to you to turn over a new leaf. I know, but you can't give, you can't give rope like that to addicts. You need, you need honesty. We can't exchange niceties.

You know, Jay Moore was just talking about the moment he knew Ralph Humay was, was done for was when he got out of rehab and some friends took him to a steak dinner because no you can't do that you can't go oh thank god was it for eating or drugs drugs oh okay but still you know what i'm saying there's there's the uh the softening of it you can't you know you got to be real with with dark side danny we know you weren't drinking orange icees you're drinking whiskey okay two completely different things anyways uh he begins to cry and that's not a joke I understand.

There's a lot of stress going on, but he does tear up. I also want to say there are two things going on with the onslaught on Danny that is well deserved. Two things are, first one being he is, in fact, an alcoholic. But to say that these people actually care about him would be a lie. They don't care. Right. The reason they're going after him is because they hate him. He's annoying.

That's right. Right. If he was a joyful alcoholic. Like Schwartz? Swartz, other people in the past. No problem. Right. We fucking hate you.

We'd love you off the show because you're loud and obnoxious. If you were a good alcoholic, that would be fine. The principled evangelical abusive drunk is a walking paradox that I would imagine is pretty frustrating for people that have to contend to or contend with. Let's get ready for Zach's birthday party. It is going to be themed Ho-era. So just be a hoe. Love it.

And Tom Schwartz interprets this mandate in a very odd way. Do you want to break this down? Well, he's, Swartz goes, hey, Zach, would you suck my dick? Oh, his outfit. Yes. God, I was trying to think of what the hell this. was um he looked like a mime yeah for sure mime mine mine uh wide mime is what i thought you were going to say a wide mine well i'd be a little bit more clever than that i just uh i thought i was being a little

too hard on the man so i think i laid off yeah i put my pencil down okay yeah yeah yeah and what are you doing mechanical or just number two number two and do you have the sharpener drill to the wall yeah because my daughter uses a pencil too oh really oh cool that's awesome still a crank yep pencil shavings do you remember when you went from the crank

to the electric electronic is a beautiful thing but if you push that thing in too hard it would snap the top off same with the crank but there was a balance that you could strike

with the electric one that it's going to fight back right but if you meet it with the pressure that it's asking for the right utensil that will get spit out of that little hole is it's nothing short of perfect i mean just a miraculous edge god i miss that and then they invented pens well that i think the pens it doesn't matter

we're not here to discuss this you want to do the double decker thing yeah so zach loves everything gay everything pride um i wonder if like old school gay is like pride as much as new school gays. Like I wonder, when Jonathan, when, when, is his name, John Waters? John Waters, the director. Yes, if John Waters had to hang out with Zach, do you think he would find him as annoying as we do? Oh, yeah.

I think so, right? Oh, yeah. He'd hate him. He would hate him. He liked legit gay guys. Who was the, um, it was the first transgender person. God, what was the name of that? Actress.

she died. Yeah. She was in his first film. It was extremely pornographic. Oh, the, the heavy set one? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Luscious Lydia or something like that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can't remember. Why are you bringing her up? Oh, because that's who he would find interesting. Right, right. Zach would be in his eyes probably a basic bitch. Who was it that was in Pink Flamingo? Uh, what was her name?

Divine. Divine. Divine. Divine died tragically, I believe. How? Well, ask your phone. Okay. What did Divine pass away from?

Oh, no. That's... No? Well, not stabbed to death by... No, no, no. Definitely not good, though. Um... What kind of bad?

Uh, I mean, tragic. Um... Um... Okay. Heart failure. Oh. Attributed to obesity. Oh.

At the age, oh, compounded by sleep apnea. That's quaint. It's quaint. Do you want to know? It's at 42. All right. That's not quaint.

All right. Here's one for you, Del. And then we'll get back to the valley. But this is just fun for me. The little girl that was in the ring. Yeah. The one that I deserves her right.

She scared the shit out of it. Okay. The PMZ I did on her. three years ago because she was getting a little trouble with the law. She passed two weeks ago. Really? Yeah. Would you like to take a guess how she passed?

Oh. You're warm. Can I guess again? I'm warm. Well, maybe more. All right. Last guess. Because I don't want this thing to go on forever.

Sure. It's kind of dark. Okay. Oh, damn it. How do you die of AIDS in 2026? That's so crazy. You have to really work on. Can I tell you something?

That is fucking crazy. I thought you were going to say she saw a videotape. More people get eaten by sharks and die than AIDS. That's not true. That's not true. They get killed by lightning. No, that's not true either. You were saying?

I thought you were going to say she watched a video and got a call saying that she was going to die. And then a Korean Water Ghost jumped out of TV at her and contorted her face all fucked up. Hey, how many people die of AIDS every year compared to how many people die of shark attacks compared to how many people die of lightning strikes? And why don't you go ahead and combine the shark attacks and the lightning strikes actually for me? Now, it's making it sound, it's doing its work.

Put it up to the phone. Okay. Of course, just to summarize, around 630,000 people die from AIDS each year, while lightning strikes kill about 24,000 people annually worldwide. Out! shark attacks by comparison are super rare with only about eight to ten deaths per year. So, so the contrast is really striking.

So what percentage of AIDS deaths would lightning strikes and shark attacks be? Good question. Let's break it down. We combine lightning strikes and shark attacks first. That's about 24,000 plus 10, so roughly 24,000 and 10 deaths. Now we compare that to 630,000. All right, smarty pants. Tell me to shut up.

I get your point. All right. we're on the bus. 3.8%. So you were 96.2% off, which many people would just say is entirely wrong. Okay. I just want to shout out the people that are dying of AIDS

because I don't, I didn't want you to equate them to shark deaths because this is still a problem, okay? And rest in peace, that little Korean water ghost. Rest in peace. Rest and peace. All right. We are all over the place.

Let us know if you think it's been fun. fun. Good show. All right. So we hit the party bus. Michelle's taking her tits out. And Jesse's like, what the fuck? What is going on here?

I actually... Wow. Where was that? That's actually really fucking awesome. He sees Michelle's tits and he sees her having a good time and he goes, you know what, Lacey is so mean to me. So Brittany and Jesse have a chat.

I want to apologize. How do you? You only make an apology from what you said last night. And he says, you know what? I never meant to lump you in with Jacks. Hey, what are you talking about? You're on camera. You're having multiple meetings,

not just being complicit in Brittany being involved with this, but planning how to use that information against her. He should have stuck with his first argument at Yamashiro. We saw the behind the scenes footage. Britney was yelling mean things to Lacey. Right. Right, right. But he lies and says that he didn't agree. He didn't, correct. Correct. Correct.

Which is fine. And then we get to the root of the problem, which was Brittany was mean to Lacey. And Brittany said to Lacey, you're going to be, you know, just like the other ones. Now, the thing that Brittany didn't recognize was you reverse that. Jesse will be just like the other ones. And Lacey will be fine. but Brittany yeah up next is something that brought me immense joy um

is that getting a shit home by words he almost loses his fucking head right right right yeah very calm am I gross for for having that bring me joy he's he's fine so yeah he's fine he's fine his head hit a fucking steel sign yeah could have been worse

I'm telling you like I know as a producer filming or a cameraman I would have, God, I would have seen that coming from a mile away. That could have been really, really bad. I would have been like, sit the fuck. Sit down.

So it brings me joy in that what happened was the America's funniest home videos hosted by Bob Sagitt version of what could have happened. But what could have happened could have also been like a dark web. You need a password to get in to watch these videos kind of things. Oh yeah. Faces of death. What was that? That was a VHS's version of seeing people die back in the day.

You could rent him at Blockbuster. I was never into it. You couldn't rent. Could you rent it at Blockbuster? They had like five different versions of it. Yeah, people being eaten by lions or fall, like their shoots didn't open up or planes crashing, shit like that. Oh. Very macab.

Not a fan. Super macab. Yeah. I can't watch people when someone's like, hey, come over here and watch this plane crash. I'm like, hell no. I know. I've probably seen. the planes hit the 9-11, the towers, four times.

Every time it comes on as, like, they do a retrospective, I'll close my eyes or I'll change the channel. Yeah. I can't watch it. Yeah. You know what? I can't watch the injuries. I don't know.

What we do this for, where we go, oh, it looks like he's injured. Let's take a look at the slow-mo high-deaf before. We're going to watch it with all of you. No, thank you. Why do you guys see it first? And if somebody's fucking leg is sideways, maybe don't air it. Gosh. Now.

All right. So we end up at the gay bar and Zach goes to the hospital. Danny is dancing a little bit too much. And Nia says, don't move your hips like that. You're going to make people uncomfortable. Now, I thought she was joking. She was. I don't think she was.

All right. As the night unfold, you see that she wasn't joking about it. I think she's going full stage mom. She's his stage mom. right at this point on this show she's his stage mom well yes she is she's his uh yeah i was gonna say guardian but uh or sponsor handler handler she's trying to do everything she can and she's taking it a little bit too far because danny having a fun time at the bar going up there on the walkway and shaking his little hips no one has a problem with that no one has an issue with that at all

Now we get on the bus and he starts acting like a petulant child and we get a repeat of San Diego. Now we've got a problem. Right. Because you're an angry little drunk. The problem is the two things kind of go hand in hand. He's having a good time until he's not. Right. Oh, he turns on a dime.

Yeah. We've talked about there being kind of people that can be alcoholics and kind of be fun all the time. And then people that just consistently, they're having a good time until they're not. And the only thing they're consistent about is it always turns south. Yeah. Yeah. You go south. Yeah, you got those people that like ultimately they'll.

We knew a few of them. Yeah. And well, and there are also people that like eventually it's going to be a bummer. Yeah. Well, eventually we're going to get to, whoa, that's a bummer. It's just, it's just Tuesday. We don't need to do that though. So.

So Danny proceeds to make the rounds to let everyone know that he can't have fun anymore. Right. because of them. And meanwhile, Nia remembers a better time when her friends used to compare Danny when he would lap dancer to Magic Mike, and I think they meant Pocket Mike. Yeah.

He's a little guy, not so magic. Yeah, I don't think Magic Mike would hire. Nor would Danny want to participate in that kind of cesspool of sin. No, no, no. And meanwhile, Michelle in Swartz chat, and she tells him that she can't wait for a little physical touch, you know?

Yeah. Sorry. Yeah I won't this goddamn play Oh I gotta buy this I guess Oh shit You gotta buy what Do you believe there's a world

Where these two people found each other So good Really it's quite timeless I mean it's not It's only been like 40 years But I believe it is a timeless record Yeah The chronic

Yeah 1993 if you can believe it. Wow. Great year for music. Incredible. How are they together? It's so confusing. Okay.

Anything before we get out of here, I mean, the overwhelming thing to me outside of the Danny stuff was just how horny Michelle is. I think Michelle genuinely would hook up with Tom Schwartz. Oh, 100%. Which is just crazy. Michelle's so beautiful. She may be attracted to him, but also I think she sees him as a stepping stone. Yeah.

So I think she would. And she's clearly starstruck, too, because, you know, he's been on television for 12 years and she was probably watching the show. A stepping stone. She need not need because she's dating Dr. Dre. That's it for us. Get in the comments. Let us know what you thought about the episode. Until next time, I'm Dylan saying goodbye.

Pat, say goodbye. Later, dudes.