Another Below Deck Podcast - Do Not Scream on the Zip Line | The Valley S3 E7

Episode Date: May 17, 2026

Dylan and Pat are back to break down wigs, heels, hot, rhinos, bleeding, love, triggers and more from Bravo's The Valley.PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/anotherpodcastnetwork  YOUTUBE: https://www.youtube.com/@badtvpod  INSTAGRAM: https://www.instagram.com/badtvpodcast/?hl=en

So he goes, oh, don't you on, Michelle, you don't do that. I must remember. I call you an alcoholic. That's what happened to me. That's what happened to me. That's what happened to me. Good one. Wow.

You're really wasted, huh? I also like a drunk that doesn't want the party to end. It's four o'clock in the morning. Ah, come on. One more. Why? Why? Hello and welcome to another.

the brand spanking new episode of bad TV. I'm Dylan. That is... What's going on with the balloons in here? Oh, Mother's Day. Okay. Mm-hmm. And happy Mother's Day to you.

Thank you. Yep. Speaking of mothers, we're here to cover the Valley. That's a bunch of moms. Yeah, that's what this show's about. Parenting. A bunch of bobs,

bunch of people just going through parenting stuff. But before we get into any... of that. How are you doing? I'm doing really good. I'm, uh, you sound a little stopped up. I am a little stopped up. I think you've infected me. Me? Yes, you. What? Really? Yes. I'm sick all the time. You are. You are because you have a kid now. But that neither here nor there. I'm doing great Dylan and I'll tell you why. Because I finally cleared out my schedule. The, uh, spring breaks over, the fairs that I've had to volunteer are over. You're going to start watching the office. The nanny is back full time. Okay. And, uh, I got like a solid month of a regular schedule. And if the audience has been following what Patty likes in life,

it's nothing more than a regular schedule. I like my regular life. I hate change. I hate disorder. I like Monday through Friday the way it works. I don't like it being, oh, on Saturday, you have to go here and do that. I just don't like my weekends being disrupted. I like just a regular, boring life schedule. Hey, hey, hey, it's back. It's back. And I have it. You and I are going to record four shows today because you're going to Italy for two weeks. Yeah. And I'm going to take the wife out for dinner and we're going to have a nice, lovely evening. Okay. It seems like you have like animus towards the weeks that have come. I do. Okay. Well, will you chill out a little bit, please? Okay. Yeah. It's all fine.

Tell them to go to Patreon. Oh yeah. Go to patreon.com slash another podcast network. We have summer house behind the paywall. We have real housewives of Rhode Island behind the paywall. We have my favorite show, PMZ behind the paywall. We have another podcast show behind the paywall. That's four shows behind the paywall. Yeah, it's a lot of stuff. And I got some other surprises coming up. Just around the corner.

Just around the river band. Yeah. I used to know. Oh, and I believe we're probably going to continue our journey with, what do we call it, West Amanda? Amanda goes west. Amanda goes west with the, in the city, the spin-off. In the city.

Yeah. In the city of New York. Hell yeah. So we'll be jumping on that. Hey, how was that tiny little Moki you had today, Biff? Loved it.

Really? Mm-hmm. You're feeling cracked up? Very awake right now. Are you good? Mm-hmm. Right. Let's get into the Valley.

Okay. Oh, before we do. No, no, no, no, we should. Okay. I know.

I have to make a recommendation. No, don't make, we're trying to get through a bunch of shows. Sorry, the dark wizard on HBO, Max. You have to watch it.

The dark wizard. I have to. I cannot believe it. It was four episodes. No one is talking about it. It's about this guy who's this daredevil that walks on tight ropes. He climbs scales walls. He free climbs.

He's like that other maniac that did the free solo thing. In fact, that's his competitor who mocks him. Who mocks him? He flies in the goddamn squirrel suit. And this guy is crazy. And you have to follow his story. I'm not going to tell you how it ends. It doesn't go well.

Is he dead? I'm not going to tell you. Just give me a. Well, he flies in a. goddamn squirrel suit. How well how well do you think that goes? Yeah, it usually doesn't go well. That's why I don't do it. No. Okay. And people proposition me all the time. They go, Dill, what are we going to get you out there? Flying the fly in the fly in the flying squirrel suit. Okay. We, we miss you every weekend. I say, guys, maybe next time. Well, I love how they're like,

hey, you're going to that Vegas Expo to check out the new gear for they got some new stuff for the squirrel suit next year. He's like, oh, I'd love to, but I'm not going to be alive. Yeah, boys, boys, boys. I understand you need five to 10 grand for me for this convention, the new equipment, all that. But I think I'll see you next time. That's not for us. We're, you know,

Pat and I are more of a kind of a turkey sandwich and a diet Coke kind of guys. Talking on a microphone about dumb reality TV. Right. Less getting up to a 5,000. Some kind of apex of any kind, maybe it rocky, snowy. Putting on a vinyl, suit that looks like a flying squirrel and jumping to our death.

Less like that. Right. But we do love reality TV and that's why we're here to talk about the valley. I'd like to go ahead and give it my rotten hells right now. Danny inspires hope in me. Because with Jack's gone, we had this hole, this crater that was a little, that, you know, remains to be filled. We're pouring some Tom in there.

We're pouring some Lala in there. We're pouring some big head Zach in there, right? It's not full, right? Because the greater left behind was that size of a thick cocaine addict. It was throwing women into bushes. But in Danny, I think we may have a substance abuse issue in a tiny little package, but a big, big one, right?

So this could be a serious problem. Dan, he's a very vicious alcoholic. He's a big time drunk. And now with Jack's gone, I do feel as though he's getting a little bit of A on the call sheet syndrome. And it's a joy to watch. Okay. He's a little rat fuck, right?

But he's just going through his sickness right now. He's got to get in the program. He's got to work it. Other than that, I'm, I just can't stay at San Diego. You know my thoughts on San Diego. It's just a wretched place, okay? 12 rotten hells. Wow.

You know, I haven't heard it put that way regarding Danny, but you're absolutely right. And, you know, you kind of do shuffle the board a little bit when you pull out a main cast member. It's like who's going to rise to the top and take that position in this little drunken man has. It's not Jesse. Jesse would have, but he's getting cucked out by Lacey. Another great, you know, thing to witness. Yeah. Yeah. You know, in fish tanks, you can have a half a dozen fish.

and they'll kill each other. But if there's one main alpha fish in there, he keeps the stability. You pull one fish out of a fish tank. The whole thing gets stirred up again. It's like Lord of the fucking flies. Like it just shit goes awry. That's what takes place here.

Yeah, they're doing a remake of that. They're doing an adaptation on Netflix. That's right. Netflix. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Like we need that again. Well, anyway, so this was one of those extended episodes again.

I don't know why they need to do that. All right. I'm going to say something controversial. As the audience knows, I am not happy about the addition of Swartz and Lala. No. How could you be? I find them absolutely useless. Right.

And as much as I can't stand, Danny, and this is one of those many occasions where two things can be true at ones. Danny is an obnoxious drunk. I have no idea why Nia is with him. And I also don't understand how a voiceover artist, and I use the term artist. Don't use the term artist. Is there another word? Call him a voiceover guy. A voiceover guy.

Jesus. Even though it's Santa Clarita, can afford a house in Santa Clarita and with five fucking kids or whatever they have. Yeah. Because I just thought voiceover people make money on the family guy and the Simpsons. Everyone else is just kind of scraping by. Yeah. I mean,

um, yeah, I, listen, I don't want to get into the, the voiceover community. They're lovely people. They're failed actors.

They are not, in my opinion, I don't think they're paid enough. I only think they're the people that are holding the line against AI. Because they're the first to go, those voice over actors. Oh, you think so? Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah, I just, yeah, you're done. You're done.

You're done. Yeah, AI can now mimic a violin and you will not know the difference. Gee, it's going to be a real hard time to mimic a person's voice. Okay. Well, anyway, by the way, when someone tells me they're like, hey, what do you do at a cocktail party in a backyard? Oh, I do a lot of voice work these days. I'm like, waiter. Okay.

Move on. Okay. Not judging. I'd rather he just say, waiter. Anyway, as much as I can't stand that little drunken, mouthing, mean-spirited bastard. Yeah. I can't stand Lala either because I think her persona that she came on this season with, which is. Such a fierce.

I'm just going to be a girl who's just sexually empowered. Talk about how I'm getting scattered on. I'm going to fuck the lifeguard that I just meant, whether or not he's into it or not. I want you to fucking make my eyeballs pop out of my head. That's right. Jesus Christ, I'm just trying to have a manny sandwich here, Lola.

She's realizing that's not working. Right. So on two occasions in this episode, she inserted herself as some kind of mediator or stepping in where I don't think she was needed. She tried to write the wrongs of Lacey calling out Michelle for throwing Jesse through a window. And then the next day, Nia and Danny, I'd call it bickering more so than arguing. I'd just call it a little tiny drunk trying to commit to a bit, but he's so blacked out and he's such a vicious alcoholic that he can't nail the landing. And for Lala.

So it just comes off as like a rude, fucking annoying dwarf. Right. And when Lala came over there to, I guess, step in for Nia. Dress down. Yeah. I go, Lala, take eight seats. Okay. We don't need you here.

Nia can handle her own. If we're starting to, like, if there's any kind of Chuck Berry stuff going on in there, then yeah, like, let's, let's, you know. I'm not saying that you have. Or Jack stuff. If he's throwing her into a push, feel free to jump on his back and choke him out. I should say we don't, Chuck Berry is the one that urinated all over everybody. Oh.

I mean, there's a long list of culprits of unsavory characters. Maybe that's that. R. Kelly. Well, R. Kelly is the one that pissed on people. I thought Chuck Berry put security cameras in the bathroom.

He did. Okay. Of his own restaurants. Right. And then he also loved to smack a bitch too. Yeah. Well, there's a number of these.

So maybe that we, the litmus for getting involved is a little bit higher than Chuck Barry. Oh. Oh. Yeah. Jack stuff. I'm just saying here. my point.

We're not at the line yet. I'm saying Lala, find another storyline, find another storyline, or get off my TV. Anyway, this episode was stupid. Zero bumps of cocaine.

Wow. You are not ripping it up. Okay. So Lacey and Jesse are cute. I think she hates him. Luke and Kristen, I think she hates him. Luke and Kristen are fighting about her body.

And we get to a large group dinner. Oh, at the draft. Okay, case in point with San Diego. Perfect example of why San Diego sucks. Dude, and I get people going, you don't understand. It's amazing. The weather is beautiful. There's so much good food. There's tacos. There's the beach. No, no, no. You don't understand. For me, just want nothing to do with the draft and picnic tables. Okay. The draft. A bar on a beach, they all look like dumps like this.

Okay. Okay. Could we try another locale that is, I don't know. Most of these places, if you go to them, this is how much they trust the people that are frequenting their businesses. Most of these places don't even have menus. They're glued to the table. Okay. You know, quick zombie corner.

I'm driving today. Zombies just in the middle of the road on a green light. Now, this is an interesting kind of frogger. This is a particularly overconfident one. Because usually you'll see a frogger crossing perpendicular, right? Putting his or her life in danger in a incoherent way. But there's a route, a beginning and an end. This man was walking parallel with the road.

He was just in one of the lanes walking down the street. So a van is driving by. and this zombie decides to get a little surly. He throws his shoulder out one way. The car almost hits him. They honk. Now, what does the zombie do? The zombie gets very upset.

Of course. Zombie. How dare you? The zombie is really, really kind of not happy that they had impeded on him. Okay? So he takes his bag. I don't know what's in there, everything he's got. Maybe a piece of temperware and drugs, something like that.

Oh, no, Tupperware. Smacks the shit out of the car. starts stacking the shut of the car. Now, my baby Lucy was in the back. She was sleeping, so I did not intervene. But that's just kind of the everyday horrors of living.

Wait a minute. That's an unhouse person, Dylan. Oh, by the way, just, sorry, I'll wrap this up in 20 seconds or under. A little debate about a mayoral debate last week, and they asked our lovely mayor bass. Someone's homeless. Where should they go?

if you want to kick them off the street. No one that's living on the street. Jail is not a solution, okay, for being living on the street. How about showing my kids their asshole? Can we put them in jail for that, Karen? How about smoking fentanyl on the side? Can we put them in jail for that?

You fucking liar. All right. It's tough in L.A. right now. Okay. Think about it. Because they're just living on the street. All right. Not doing anything else.

We love zombies. We do. Keep them here. They're doing a great job, though, because seven of them are dying a day. So I guess they're kind of cleaning up the problem. We love zombies. Okay. And we do not need any vigilantes to go out there and flame throughout these people because they're people. Okay. Many of them have dogs. Now they use the dogs as a bait. As testers for the fentanyl to make sure

it's not poisonous. You know. Right. All right. So there's only two spots together, Michelle, um, next to Lacey for Michelle next to Lacey and across from Lacey. So, um, we'll get more on Lacey and Michelle as we go throughout the episode. I want to talk about this seating conundrum first. This is why I truly hate Janet. And she is not redeemable in any way. Yeah. Because Janet is up to her old tricks, which is a rotten bitch.

I got to say, I'm sorry to use harsh language. No, no, you can. Throughout this episode, she'll, the, the comfortability in just, just bleas and just, just, I can't talk. The comfortability she has with lying, it's really off-putting. It's, she can lie as if she's just making a PBMJ.

It's the craziest thing. It is. I cannot tell if she's just doing it, because she cannot exist in polite society like this. There's no twitch of the eyebrow. There's nothing. It's just a pathology that takes over. She's really,

really spooky. Now, some of our listeners don't actually watch the show. So what happens here is Michelle is seated with no seats left to sit across from Lacey, her arch nemesis, I guess, although Lacey has no issues with Michelle. And then Janet sees that Michelle's uncomfortable and then invites her to sit next to her. And of course, Michelle being extremely immature takes up on the offer. You know, quick personal story. And we'll keep this under 40 minutes, Dylan.

There's no way we can. And we have to talk to Ruby in like 18 minutes. So there's no way. All right. I'll skip the personal story. So Gizo Peets, Kristen doesn't want to do any shots. She's, she's, um, she's shitting herself and she's pouring blood out of, uh,

uh, you know, multiple different spots in her body. So she just wants to head out. Now, Luke, expressing some base and, uh,

basic drunken compassion. Um, absolutely floors. Kristen. She's like, what is happening? He goes, you know,

you just had a baby. So it's okay. She's so stunned by the simple string of words. Um, because it's not about fishing or banging her, that she gets a little, she's distrusting of it. She goes,

are you talking like this because I'm wearing a wire? Is that why you're talking like this? Yeah. Is this because we both have mics on? You're taking on a completely different persona, Luke. Yeah. Yeah. You know,

I often think with why women hate their husbands for several months or sometimes several years after a child is born. I mean, sometimes decades. Yeah. It's because, and I now understand it, and they really should teach new dads this in a course, they want to tell us, you try and the only example would be our assholes, try and pop an object the size of a volleyball through your asshole and then try and understand that and then have your partner try and give you any hassles over the next six months. Yeah.

I did that for you. Right. Therefore, you will listen to it. every damn word I have to say. Right, right, right. Because I did that for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So shut the fuck up.

I know. And we're like, we're like, we're like, we get that there were all of these months that you groaned every time you turned over in bed and you were, you know, throwing up and your feet were swelling up. And then you had to be, you know, torn and a half, right? Through your asshole. But I have, I have not golfed in 60 days, I think. Like, can I tell you, I have not golfed?

60 days. So we get it. Can you quit? Give me, you know, this attitude, honey? And that's why they hate us for seven years. So Kristen's not having a good day. She's soaking. And this is when we get to the first time I kind of feel for Luke. I do, but I also feel for an audience member like myself. Yeah. And this is where it's not catty patty. It's pithy patty. And pithy patty. And pithy patty is sexually confused and kind of angry. He's different than catty patty. Is he kind of? Is he kind of like a kind of like a mom's basement Patty. Oh, well, you mean like a, what do you call those little angry?

In cell. Angry guys. Yeah. Angry kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because Kristen actually asks on camera. So we're going to use Pithy to describe this character. Pithy Patty.

Yeah, this is not directly related to Pat, the podcast. Patty, the loved podcaster. This is Pithy Patty who has to ask the question because she asks on camera, why am I here? Why am I doing this? And I'll tell her why. because you had a job on television right up until 2020 when you and Stasi Schroeder were bragging about calling 911 on a black cast member.

And then you were fired. Right. And then you were begging for your job back. And two minutes away from where we're doing this podcast, you actually owned a $1.2 million house. They were forced to sell because you couldn't pay your bills anymore. Right. Because you were fired in unemployable in any other kind of work environment.

Yeah. You now have your job back. that's that's why you're here so I'm answering your question for you so that was pithy pathy so quit bitching I love pithy pathy has so much perspective you know I just um I just learned this this terminology it's a refuge prospecting so human beings feel good when they're elevated and they don't have to worry about their back, like you're up against a wall and you're a little bit elevated. That's what Pithy Patti does. You've taken, Pithy Patti has taken this observation point where you can see the whole gamut of this

story. Here I am. I'm just in the mud. I'm at this beach picnic set up in fucking San Diego. I don't even remember that Kristen called 911 on a black coworker. Yeah. Brave, I don't know if I would use any longer. Here two, four, I don't think I'll use that.

any longer. Jesus. All right. So. Back at the table. Kristen's not having a good day. And I say I feel bad for Luke because he says, yeah, if you want to lay down, go lay down.

And she says, are you telling me what I need to do? Yeah, boy. This is when, this is when get out of the, get out of the corner rock. This is when Mickey's yelling, get out of there rock. Right. There's nothing you can say. Just say, I love you. Put your arm around.

Oh, that's not your help. Why do you love me? Just run. Why? Why do you love me? How could you love me? All right. So to quote Jasmine, postpartum is a real thing. I don't care what people say. It's a real thing. Jasmine, does anyone think it's not a real thing? Who are these people you're conversing with? What is this a myth? All right. So Kristen is uncomfortable that everyone is talking about it and trying to console her. Yet, so we have this kind of three stooges act where people start to come up to her

approach her, see if she's okay. They're, you know, buzz saw it and they leave. Kristen, if you are uncomfortable with people coming up to console you, let's head out of there, babe. Because you were kind of like the, the Valley's version of the little Dalai Lama here. You're just standing up in front of everybody waiting for them to walk towards you. It's not okay. You don't like it.

All right. So Jesse is tasked with giving an impromptu efficient speech. And I got to say, doing a great job. I thought he was doing some pretty good improv. you can tell that he was uh tried to do some acting back yeah i i mean uh you know right off the rip to deliver something you know uh even this subpar is quite great and he begins to do the efficient you know spiel where you start to define what love is and this is where lego head just starts it's like somebody pulls an alarm on him every time he talks it's like you

You got to clear out the building in my head. He's so goddamn grading. But he goes, are you going to define love right now? Get lost. What are he talking about, man? And then Lawless says something about wanting to fuck someone. And he's like, you win. That's great.

Talk about sucking dick. It's like, why are we doing here? Fighting for Camber time. Yeah. So there is a moment where. her. Well, while all this has happening, Danny and Tom are really having a good time. Well, that's, yeah, well, Danny is drinking and drinking and drinking, drinking, drinking, and and Lala's taking notes because I think she has her eye on the mark. She's like, I know I can

take this little guy down. Oh, and she can. Danny's a very easy target because he gets so drunk. And loud. And if there's anything that Patty hates, I can take a drunk person. You can sit there and tell me some long, boring story. And as you're telling me this, as you're drunk, little drips of spit can come out and hit my cheek. I'll tolerate that. But if you're loud, I can't hear loud. You can't monopolize when you're a drunk.

That's when it gets really bad. If everyone has to constantly be aware of you, that's when drunks are just the most obnoxious people in the world. And that is Danny's unique German Shepherd breed of drunk. Is Nia still here? Because this is, I hate to put it on a spouse. This is for her to squeeze his knee and say, shut up.

Nia is, I would say, divorce him, but they have 70 kids together. So you can't. I would be interested to know how she got brought up. Oh, we know how. She told us. How? She lived in the backyard next to a swimming pool or something like that. Real tough upbringing.

Mm-hmm. Dad? I'd have to go back and watch the episode. They took off? I lived with mom in a tent or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It does explain why she's with this idiot. Okay, got it, got it.

So there's some real, real pain there. I think she's with him because he is a loyal, like, little puppy dog that just loves her. I don't think he's loyal at all. I think he'd cheat on her in a heartbeat. You do? He probably has cheated on her. Oh, my God. Big time.

Big time. So he is speaking like he has had and recovered from four strokes just today. Okay. And it is, without. working lips that he tells Michelle not to yawn because people will call you an alcoholic. So he goes, I don't yawn, Michelle. You don't do that. I must remember.

I call you an alcoholic. That's what happened to me. That's what happened to me. Good one. Good one. Wow. Yeah, I also like. You're really wasted, huh?

I also like a drunk that doesn't want the party to end. It's four. clock in the morning. Ah, come on. One more. Come on. One more. Why? Why? Why? Why? Got a ping pong to play. You can't, you can't even hold the paddle. What are we doing? We're going to sleep. So Lacey versus Janet. Janet is, you know, I have to say, Janet's past self, right? Because she's worked on herself. Just sucked. Right. Lacey brings this to her doorstep that Janet had basically gone around and told everybody that Lacey was actively trying to sue, I believe, multiple members on the cast.

Lie number one. And this is, by the way, the argument at the table, because they'll regroup and do this out in the parking lot later in seconds. Right. Well, so Janet tries to do this thing where she twists the accusation. and Lacey's just kind of in the pocket. Not bag, but Luce, the whole time.

I love Lacey. But, you know, she goes, Jan, I sent Michelle a legal notice in the beginning of our relationship. Understand things got nasty. It's an ex-wife and a new girlfriend. That's a tough, you know, canal to navigate.

But Janet tries to do this thing where she beats her on a technicality. And she goes, oh, so you're upset that I mentioned you bringing up legal? a legal notice. No, no, no, Janet. Janet, you said she was going around suing everybody. And she, I don't even know if she, if you, if you fucking existed to her at that time. Yeah.

Okay. I, I hate this kind of liar. Yeah. They just, they flood the zone with muddying the waters. And then they got you trying to put out this fire. It's, it's demonic. Yep. I really, I truly hate Janet.

And I really do want to say that either Janet or Jason, needs to go. Like if I'm a producer, one of you can't come back next season. So you guys just pick which one of you come is coming back. Get rid of both of them. Jason is just like, we'll get to it. But when he wakes up the next morning, he's like, I think you still need to apologize. Get the fuck out of here. Go off a pancake, Jason. Leave everyone alone. So we do make fun of Janet evidently made fun of Flacey for trying to acquire a roster spot on your favorite franchise of The Real Housewives. 17 times. O.C. Yeah. I can't believe she hasn't made it on there.

I think she'd be great. I do too. Get, you kidding me? Lacey would be better than, I would say 70% of that cast. You can take Meatball and Emily off right now. Tamara. Tamara. Debrough.

Well, Heather Debrough is needed because she's the only one that has any money. Debrose needed. Bador. Shannon Bador. Oh, RIP, Archie. No. Mm-hmm. Really?

Yeah. My God. Pick up the cameras. because that would be crazy. Oh, I'm sure the cameras are there. Oh, wow. All right. So it turns out that this has unleashed extreme, extreme consequences.

David Hasselhoff has blocked Lacey. Oh, my God. And Janet tries to smooth that. He didn't really block her. He just, you know, he's blacked out eating a cheeseburger. He just rolled over on his phone. And I think it just blocked everybody on Instagram. God damn.

Is there a more humiliating, like, low stakes video that's come out of somebody? obviously there have been like horrific you know like say you know did he the diddy videos are more humiliating I mean he's just just well he's kicking his girlfriend yeah that's not really humiliate I mean it's humiliating behavior but that's not the that's a little bit like patten oswald saying the worst thing about Bill Cosby was the hypocrisy it's humiliating behavior well I say the worst thing come on with Pat and Oswald was him buying drugs for his wife who died and then getting no legally prescribed but what what they did. No, he's stolen from his mother's medicine cabinet. Yeah. He killed his wife. What they did was, um, I got to ask Ruby. I don't remember what I think it was liar,

liar. I can't remember what was the movie where they put the, the roll in the tube and it shot up. Roll in the tube. They would put it in the tube and it would shoot up. A movie. Yeah. I think it was Tommy boy, maybe. Oh, okay. I think it was Tommy boy. Yeah, for sure. So what Patton would do was he would put his mom's pills, It was one of those and he would just send it down to her room and then she eventually actually died. Yeah. But she solved the Golden State murder. No, she didn't.

DNA did analysis. I know, but she played a large role in catching that guy. Which I think is a great legacy. I'm not even trying to joke around about that. I think that's powerful. I think she's a badass. Yeah, and he was remarried six months later. All right.

So it turns out that Janet tries to smooth everything over by asking Lacey to fuck just. in the ass. Lacey says, ew. And Janet goes, okay, I'm going to go. We get to the house. And the way Lacey speaks to Jesse just brings me so much joy. I'd be out of there yesterday. But Jesse is so beaten down that it's just lovely to bear witness to. He is a different cast member this season. Every scene it felt like was him being braggadocious about money and where he was eating and what kind of champagne he was drinking. And this season, he's just got, he's been, yeah, his balls have been cut off. And I love it.

Gosh. It was Tommy Boy, because Michelle fucked up the, the, do you remember that? Michelle fucks up. It's been a minute. It's been a minute. Okay, so Janet recounts the fight to the girls and says, I told her the thing that I didn't like was you sending my friend a legal letter. Another lie.

Yeah. It's crazy. Wow. And they damn near shit themselves when Janet leans back in a recliner. Did you see that? Oh, God. Yeah. Boy, they're welcoming her back into the fold.

Let's get to a bizarre repeat segment. Luke taking confession with Zach. This has happened a couple of times on this show now. In what world do these two have a powwow together? Yeah. Zach, Luke's a country boy that his hobbies are fishing, shooting, living things as they forage in the forest. Yeah,

yeah, yeah. And Zach likes, I don't know, insink and poppers. Yeah. Yeah.

And ecstasy. MMO says, and somehow these two have found a common ground. Yeah, now Luke Colorado Fisher guy, you know, he's like,

listen, things are not going well. And Zach says, he actually gives him some good advice. Just be there for her. Much too dramatic. He's actually weeping.

It's very confusing. Wow. why he's so upset. I guess him and Kristen know each other pretty well. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Okay. Remember, he's always been around.

It's just he's never made it on camera until now. He's always been Brittany's, uh, I'm sure they've had him at the parties and stuff. Yeah. Yeah. So we rise for the next day. Next morning. This is where Jason is still mad about Jesse raising his voice at the table. Jay.

I just want to make sure we covered everything. So then, uh, Zach, it's emotional and assesses that Luke is an awesome dad, blah, blah, blah, blah. Uh, uh, oh, yeah, yeah, back in the house. And then Swartz, Texas, Eliana to make sure the package she got through customs made it through. And then is this the next morning? They're coke addicts, you're saying. I don't know. I just had that note down.

Yeah, you got it? It made it through. Was that pithy, Patty? No, that was Pat. That's me. I hate that little guy. Someday him and I are going to meet up and we'll just work things out. Okay, great.

We rise for the next day. Jason is still mad about Jesse raising his voice tonight before. No, we're not there. Hold on. We've got to cover some stuff because everyone's in the kitchen that night. And Brittany suggests Lacey and Michelle work out their issues. No, no, no. This is at night.

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Wrap yourself in luxury with Lola Blankets. Okay, so where are we? Where Brittany basically suggests to the group that's all in the kitchen at this point that perhaps it's a good time for Michelle and Lacey to work things out. Yeah, good a time as any. It doesn't go well. No. No, it doesn't go well.

Lacey refuses to apologize for that cease and desist letter she sent. Yeah. And then we see some pretty ugly texts from Michelle that she sent to Lacey about her being ugly, too ugly to be Isabelle's stepmom. Wait. So when does Lala slaughter herself in? This is after the throwing someone through a window exchange. Oh, okay.

So this is the pattern that arises when Lacey and Michelle are talking. Lacey brings up something that Michelle, did that was awful. And then Michelle says, stop. Don't talk about that. Don't talk about that. And then Lacey goes, oh, but it's what I want you to apologize for. And she goes, you don't understand the kind of pressure I was under.

Don't talk about how I called you a fucking nuclear monster sitting in the front seat of my husband's car. And it's like, well, you know, I don't know what to tell you. That's what she's upset about. So I will say this, though. Lacey has been playing a pretty good game so far. The one misstep here is, Casey kind of steps in the mud a little bit or gets a little dirty here by calling Michelle out for those texts, in my opinion.

I guess she had to. And also the window thing because no one was- The window thing. It could, could we have a more anticlimactic piece of source footage than whatever happened that night? I loved it. Okay. So yeah. So she said, well, you threw Jesse out of a window.

And then we get, finally we get to the guy who was apparently the victim of being thrown on the window. Like, yeah, she pushed my arm and it touched the window. Yeah. I fucking love realtors. Oh, gosh. An occupation you don't dream of instead fall into because of a desire to lie to people. What's he doing? He's distracting.

He's doing set deck. He's organizing the palm bottles. All right. So we, Jesse is in a bout of paranoia. Brittany did this on purpose. And it was like, I don't think Brittany did. I think she was just like, y'all. I'll tell you she probably talked to one another.

Yeah, that's it. She wasn't trying to fuck over anybody. Brittany's, I don't think Britney's got that in her. Should we get to Tom in the kitchen? You covered it, yeah. Well, I was going to say the night kind of ends with multiple calls for Jesse to just divorce Michelle.

Right. Yeah. I don't think that's how it works. As I've seen, there's a great dog called a divorce corp, which is all these lawyers and judges and everything, they're all in it together and they slow it down to a crawl. average divorce takes two years. Yeah.

Because they want to make money. Just mediate. Mediate. That's all I got to do. Just mediate. Oh, don't accept that deal. Well, what should we do? Well, you should have an evaluation on the house.

Well, she doesn't want to do that. Well, I'm going to call her lawyer then. Yeah. Well, how much is that going to cost me? Well, I billed by the hour. Huh. Well, let me talk to my other lawyer. Okay.

And before you know it, you know, and I have to say, the little girl, is, you know, she's doing fairly well with her commercial gigs. And I think that you guys might want to iron out a contract in terms of the revenues that her career is going to be ringing in. Oh. I can talk to my contract lawyer friend, draft something up. He's $2,000 an hour. Should just take an hour or two.

Oh. Yeah, they do do that, don't they? They do. Gosh, it's so nasty. Yep. What a racket. It is. It's disgusting.

I'm all. All right. Well, let me tell you something. So that's why it's not really up to Jesse and Michelle. I mean, of course, I guess he could slow it down, but it's not really in both parties' interests to slow this down because it costs fucking money. Yeah, my. All right.

All right. Kristen and Luke sit down. Oh, well, we wake up with Swartz walking out wearing a bath row looking like Tony soprano, but way shorter and less interesting. And he tells the girls he had a sex stream about Lala. Yeah. And he was going to take it to the grave, but here it is. You didn't take it to the grave.

You're announcing it. I can imagine Swartz calling his agent after filming this day. And he's like, hey, man, I just delivered gold today. Yeah, what I'm bringing. Yeah. I can speak for all of us when I say, I wish he took this scene to the grave. He's fucking useless. Lala's into it.

Yeah. I call her. tweedled dumber, continuing her one-dimensional persona as a sex craze, crude idiot. She caused plays as being an empowered woman. She jokes about being shit on her stomach. She is so edgy. There's nothing more empowering than being choked out by Tom Schwartz while not getting anywhere near an orgasm.

Yes. All right. So, um, I am. All right. Uh, we get to Kristen and Luke who sit down. She's bloated. And Luke's, uh, stupid. So I'm here.

here thinking he's just going to sit on this swinging bench and say, I'm here for you. I got you. You know she's nuts. She knows she's nuts. Let's diffuse the bombs. Okay. Now, I wouldn't be judging this conversation if it was the first time he had made the situation about himself. At a certain point, I think it's appropriate to go, honey, I totally hear you, but it's been challenging for me. You've got to just try for a second. It's been a tough six months, right? I think we get there at the end with her, right? Isn't that kind of how we wrote up? She does, but he's had this conversation so many times with her. Every time they have a discussion about her postpartum symptoms, he brings up that it's a bummer

that he can't go fishing or that it's a bummer that they're not fucking. Or there's never any of this like, it's okay, I got it. He's just, whof. He should do what I did. I just stopped talking. Honestly, shut it down. You're failing at every turn. So them shut.

So let's get to the Safari part. I was going to say, she explained her anxiety and then she has, uh, she realizes that she's had some bad patterns in the past. And I guess, you know, Luke is boring. And she liked dating a bunch of jerks, you know. Isn't it interesting? Like, uh, I don't know. It's not just women being attracted to jerks to turn them on. I actually liked all the girls that were mean to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, uh, yeah. It's exciting. It's exciting. We're all turned on by the assholes. You know what else is a girl? exciting? What? Wild edibles. Oh, my God. Oh, lots of memories of this. Okay, so you know my dad checked out when I was two. Yep. When I was five, he called my mom and he said, hey, why don't you fly this kid out to Arizona? It must have been some like tax thing or something he was trying. I think he asked my mom if you could file me as as as a dependent. He's get a tax break that year. Anyway, I fly out to Arizona. Yeah. We drive up. I got to have evidence of the kid in the state. If you can fly him out here, I'll do something with him. Exactly. That's what my mom thought. So anyway, I fly on a plane. by myself at five and then I fly into Phoenix get in a car with my dad he drives me up to this wild animal park a great wild animal park distinct memory of it they had a monorail it wasn't these little uh cars that you go in or now they have also the tram cars that i was just down here last year with the kids yeah uh and i remember that memory my dad does the la zoo still have the animal fries

the fries that are shaped like animals yeah oh god those are some of the best fries in the city. I don't mind their pizza there either. You want the best fries in Los Angeles? They're at the LA Zoo. They're shaped like elephants. You want to know something crazy at the LA Zoo? What? They have a fucking pinks. No. I love pinks. Not me. I think pinks is fucking delicious.

Not going to wait in that line when it's really bad on the weekend. And the irony. Pinks is right across from the boar exhibit. Pigs. Swine! Really? Yeah. Wow. Well, it's like, a little bit different because hogs are very easy to kill. Bore, very tricky. Fair enough. They could take a slug to the face and keep, they're like orcs. They're evil. Yeah. Get in the comments, let us know if you've ever hopped in a helicopter and shot them from the skies. That's how a lot of people do it. Oh, by the way, I want to, any families that are thinking of going in this wild safari park, all my memories were great as a five-year-old with my dad. Don't go there now.

$300 for my wife and I and the two kids, $300. Legoland was $30 more expensive, much way better deal. Oh, really? How much is a safari park? $300. Per person? No, for the day to get in. Oh, wow.

Two adults and two kids, $300. Legoland was $330 for the same. And they got like 20 different rides and all that other stuff. I'll tell you what, though. When you go to the safari park, you can see cheetahs run. You ever seen that? Yeah. It's pretty cool.

I agree. Also, I'd kick it. Fun little fat. It started running at me. I'd turn around. I'd fake like I was trying to run away. Give it a false sense of confidence. It would eye me down and go, oh, this thing thinks it can outrun me.

No, I don't. I'm going to plant my feet. I'm going to spin. I'm going to crane kick you right in the stomach. Now, we have a new problem after that because they're still an angry cat who are super fat. They have claws, fast-aid claws. But you've lived for.

one and a half seconds longer. Five four seconds, I would say. Fun fact about the wild animal, Safari Park. All the animals are miserable and on the brink of depression. I don't think so. No, they do go over there. It's like 10,000 square, whatever, miles, whatever. Lion King. All the animals that they drew were based on animals at this park. Oh, really? Can I tell you something? You know, that guy recently got sued. There was a comedian that got sued for saying, say, wait, yeah, I'm gonna mean, and he broke down what the lyrics meant of, uh, Lion King. Lion King, yeah. And it means like, oh, look, there's a lion. Oh, my God, there's a lion. Mm. And I was like, I don't think that means that. I don't think that means that. And it got all this

attention and everybody was shitting on the Lion King. And then the person that composed the song sued the fuck out of them. Like, hey, asshole, that's defamatory. No, that's not what that means. And I was like, yeah, that's right. Fuck that guy. I don't know if you need to sue him into the ground or anything, but like how dare you besperch the legacy of the lion? Also, it's,

sorry, it's also a public place where you have free speech to say an opinion. Was he monetizing? I don't know. I don't know. Kaelin, what are you looking up? I was looking up the comedian's name.

His name is the comedian is Learn More Jonasi. He's suing him for allegedly damaging his reputation by intentionally misrepresenting the song's meaning on a podcast. I do that all the time. How much is he suing him for? The musician is seeking more than $20 million. A man. All right.

So let's get to the safari park. So Danny is a vile little drunk, but I do get it. Danny's entire shitbag weekend vibes of him being a little drunk shitbag are just him being pissed off because they hired a babysitter and they don't use the babysitter. Because Nia is insisting on being close to the baby to milk. And Nia is breastfeeding. So he's just like, what are we doing paying this woman? I don't understand.

I'm going to, I'm going to side with Danny here. Why is this fucking nanny here? Right. Why is this fucking nanny here? And I assume they're paying the nanny. So why's the fucking nanny? Well, there's a thing where like, I understand you have a connection. I understand you have to breastfeed.

But we paid the nanny. We paid the nanny. I understand you need to breastfeed. When we're done breastfeeding, give some snoogs. Give a kiss. And then we pay, we're paying the nanny. Okay. Also, I'm sensing we didn't catch something on camera.

She's annoyed by him here on this day. Something happened already. Well, the baby's hot and Danny is not attuned to Nia. He does not give a shit that the baby is hot. He also is in God and doesn't control the weather. Right. So knock it the fuck off. So we zip line.

The staff says, please do not scream. Don't scare the animals. The cast of the show immediately began wailing as they fly down the zip line. Now, to be fair to the, the cast, you're going to build a zip line where people soar hundreds of feet in the air and then tell them not to scream. Don't build the zip line, Safari Park. Okay, thank you. One experience I do want to do at this park, they let you spend a night in the actual safari. I've, the last time me and Cs went there, they told us about that. And it's like, it's very expensive.

Yeah. But, um, could be fun. That sounds amazing. Those yurts are beautiful too. Yeah. Even though I've cut down on the boozing, I would definitely need a couple bottles of wine. probably make my way through that night. Why? Because it be boring. Why do you want to do it? For the kids. Okay. So we get to another fascinating segment of how is Kristen filming. So we're going to wrap this is what the producer said to Kristen. We're going to wrap,

we know you're wearing a diaper. We're going to wrap this harness around you. And then we're going to stick a GoPro camera directly underneath your chin. And then we're just going to watch you fly down a zip line. So yeah, that's going to be what we're doing. doing. But like you mentioned, she did call the police on an innocent black co-worker. So, you know, Hall's Fair of Love and War. Kristen, remember it looks like OZemPEC was invented in your body where you were 89 pounds for 13 seasons of, uh, yeah.

Yeah. Well, uh, now we're going to put a camera at the worst place that it could ever be for any human on camera under your chin. Yeah. And, uh, take that. Uh, so Michelle is going to set boundaries today. She hath been gassed. She grabs Lacey and aggressively attempts to resolve. things. I have a prediction here. Yeah. By next season, if this show survives another season, Lacey and Michelle will be best friends. I think so too. I think so too. And Lacey is just, I think Lacey's great. She's a weirdo.

But anyways, we talk about Lala's tits versus Kristen's tits. Lala shot milk across the room. Kristen's trying to get drips out. She has just really had a fucking brutal pregnancy and post-price. and postpartner. Now, former M. Miss USA says, to the men, you're going to be dressing up tonight. And this will be the foundation of the conflict that arises, okay?

So we get to who the men are going to be dressed like. And once again, Luke has a of mice and men moment here. His hall pass is Ariel from the Little Mermaid. Okay. He is, I'm not saying he shouldn't be allowed to drive a car, but close. So Zach,

Zach, Zach's, they stop at a gas station and he gets four locos. He's always trying to do a thing. Yes, he is. And it's so fucking annoying. Zach, those are for people who were either too young to know what things tastes like or too fucked up on meth to care. You are not enjoying that drink. Stop doing this now.

Here's captivating television. I want to see a scene where producers tell him he's fired because I'll watch that. Oh my God. Yeah. I'll actually put that on a playlist, all time playlist. So I could just keep going back to it. Are you sure? So Danny's starting to get ripped up.

And he goes, if this is a magic bike contest, it would be a fucking contest. It wouldn't even be a fuck competition. Are we back at the house getting makeup? All right. So I know Nia's breastfeeding, but she may have,

is she doing on the nipple or she already, were you saying that her tits were oblong or something? No. What I'm saying is it felt like Nia might have had a couple shots too. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But my,

Nia and Danny have a very, disconcerting dynamic. There's like a mother child kind of thing. I hate how she calls him Daniel. I just their whole marriage just makes me, ugh, that does not look like a happy place. Oh, marriages. I'm fascinated. Now that I, all I deal with exclusively is parents and marriages. And I'm like, how the fuck are you two together? It's just crazy. So Danny is wasted. And he's doing this thing where we mentioned at the top of the episode. He's doing a bit. Yes, he is.

So his bit is that this is a ridiculous thing that we're doing, but I'm going to make it a make or break competition. Yeah. Because he's so inebriated and he's, as we mentioned, the worst kind of drunk. There's a lot of different types of drunks. There's the sleepy drunk. I'm a sleepy drunk. You know, you just shut down.

There's the, the mean drunk, you know, and then there's the loud, annoying drunk. And that's what Danny is. Now, he veers into mean too, but I'm talking about like Vietnam vet mean, like, I'll burn you fucking house down. And then they actually do it. Here's the other thing that we never talk about with this,

how there's a level of irritation. Sometimes it comes out of nowhere on reality TV. These people have been up all day, filming and drinking and drinking. Just saying it's an added it's an added very yeah yeah yeah so the crazy thing is that Danny he starts ordering Nia around speaking to her really disrespectfully again he's trying to do this bit where he's like what are you doing this isn't even a form fitting dress wake up we're not going to lose do my hair now it's like this just he's in a Ben Stiller directed rom-com that went straight to DVD.

Yeah, it's insane. Now, the craziest thing about this is that in his talking heads that he filmed months after this moment, he says lucidly, I'm pretty upset because I'm not getting the attention that other people are getting. What? Danny, you know that you are blacked out. He's fucked up in the head.

He's got a serious drinking problem. So at some point, while yelling at Nia about a wig, Lala heads in. And well, stares for a while. She stares. Yeah, yeah,

yeah. And I think she's like, I'm, I'm finding an in here. Because I'm like, Lala, the savior. That's my character.

I'm not going to be Lala. Yeah. The, I just talk about how I want to get shit on my stomach. Now, Nia, uh, Nia is a ride or die bitch to a fault.

I think Nia will put up with a lot of stuff because it's been modeled or ingrained in her. you put up with stuff. Mm-hmm. And she says when Lala comes in, two things cross my mind. One, this is none of your business. Get out of here.

But also, I'm happy that you're seeing what I see. That someone's, she says, I'm happy that someone can see it because I'm thinking, am I losing my mind? And the answer is, yes, you're a pageant lady who doesn't have great modeling for a husband. So I don't know that you have, and you're in Santa Clara.

I don't know, listen, you're gonna be happy. you have your children. Thank God she has her children because she's a wonderful person. But her husband is a piece of shit. I just really don't like the guy. I think he would be a 90% better if he cools it with the booze. Yeah, I would say. So Lala spreads the word. Danny's a drunk and everyone goes, yeah, no, we know that. We know. Yeah, he's a little drunk. One line that drives me crazy with Lala is, did you, Remember why she said she had to step in? Yes.

What was it? She was triggered. That's right. Now, Danny will utilize this and Danny will go back to the well and start actively picking on her and saying, oh, look, it's mistriggered. Danny's got that liquid courage in it. Now, to be fair to Lala, well, one, like, okay, Lala is very taken aback that Danny wouldn't have the present mind to recognize why his behavior may be calling her into that room and

may be offending her. Lala, Utopia is so far away, right? If we, if we were in a heart-to-heart conversation, your chances of that still are kind of low, but they're, they're much higher.

This is a little drunk man in a wig, okay? He is not going to take time to understand. understand why you were emotionally disrupted. That's why I think she early on, and I don't think she's drinking, by the way. I think she's sober. So I, she's like, all right, I got my mark. This is who I will go after. I will wait till he screws up. And this is who I will step on. Now, the trigger stuff, sure, it's a little unreasonable. Uh, or just like, Lala, why do, don't worry about him recognizing. What were you triggered by Kristen through you into a fucking

shopping rack? Chris, yeah. But one thing I will give Lala credit for is once you come back at me, now I'm going to get in your face and fuck you because you're being a little annoying drunk. Get in the comments. Let us know what you thought about the episode. I'm Dylan saying goodbye. Pat, say goodbye. Later dudes.