Kill James Bond! - Hire The Unhoused | Below Deck Med S9 E2
Episode Date: June 11, 2024Pat and Dylan are back to break down cheese, love, long pieces of excrement, paninis, hiring the unhoused and the entertainment that would come from that and more from Bravo's Below Deck Med. Ad Free... and Uncensored at Patreon.com/AnotherPodcastNetworkYoutube at https://www.youtube.com/@anotherbelowdeckpodcast_Instagram at https://www.instagram.com/badtvpodcast/Facebook Group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/anotherbelowdeckpodcast
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Oh also when he's sleeping in a hallway at night if you step over him he lashes out because that's
Conditioned in him. Okay
Do you have any idea what it's?
Do you have any idea what it's like to sleep with people stepping over you you don't know if they're friendly
You don't know if they're a fire so but he'd be way better than then cheese. He'd be much better than cheese
But he that's not to say he would be perfect.
Welcome aboard, mofos. It's another brand spanking new episode of another below deck
podcast. My name is Dylan. I'm settled up next to Patrick hecky permission to come
aboard. So, uh, two ads tonight, everybody buckle up. Uh, if you would like ad free episodes,
go to patreon.com slash another podcast network. Also the reviews have been abysmal. We see the downloads. There are
a lot of you listening. If you wouldn't mind. Five stars, kind words if you're
listening on Apple podcast. You know I think that one of the prop this is that
you know Apple's suite of podcast programming is really getting quite
accurate. What is it? Accutane. so if you want to and you're still listening there leave a five-star review and kind words or less stars if you think that
Flavor of love flavor of love we are covering season 3 of flavor of love on bad TV for free
Yeah, you don't need to have watched the show. Maybe you did. Maybe you kind of remember it
It doesn't matter. We'll weave the narrative. You'll enjoy it. It's some of our best work
Yeah, it's really cool
There are a lot of really
Sweet women. Oh episode 2 is really fun. Dylan. I don't know if you've watched it yet
No, well, they go to like a broken down like abandoned hospital and flave apparently has a broken heart from you know
That Amazonian woman that he dated.
Bridget Nielsen.
That's right.
And so anyway the women dressed like scantily clad nurses go in the room with Flav and try
and mend his broken heart.
Oh I'm sure it becomes quite sexual quite fast.
That's right.
Yeah.
Are Thing One and Thing Two there?
Oh yeah yeah.
And they're up for a threesome too
Oh cool. It's nice to know i'm sure mom and dad a real prep. Yeah, so it's a good show. It's a fun show
Yeah, unfortunately the girl he named the I think she goes home. I'll have to look at my notes
Well, that's tragedy because we need the girl named the
Around as long as we possibly can but listen, we're here to talk about below deck
The reason why I hesitate to get into it is because,
hey, a little bit of a stinker episode.
It was a stinker.
It was a stinker.
And we can't stink two episodes in, right?
You know, this video has been going around
where Biden shits his pants.
Oh. Right?
And I don't think there's any-
Hey, no politics.
This is gonna get political.
No, no, it's not gonna get political. I don't think there's any, um, Hey, no politics. This is going to get no, no, it's not going to get political. I don't think there's any hard evidence that would
demonstrate that he shit his pants at the celebration of the veterans of D-Day.
You're bringing this up, but if he did shit his pants,
it's kind of like this second episode
of Below Deck and we can't have that this early, right? We cannot have shitty pants
this early in the season, okay? Well, I don't think Below Deck pooped its pants this episode
don't, so I disagree. Well, how many pots do you give it? Well, hold on. Let me break
down why I enjoyed the episode. First off, off Jonah. I'll get to you, Jonah
Oh, no to fan Jonah Jonah. You have to calm down
Mmm. Yeah. Yeah, he says some pretty stupid stuff later in the episode
I'll make fun of it. Um, and then Captain Sandy, you know
She was turning the corner for me last season starting to become a big fan of Captain Sandy. No longer calling her Captain Timeshare. Yeah. This episode though, when
she had that tender sent over to that other kajillion dollar yacht to see if
they could buy Rosé and then brag about it like it's something to be proud about.
I thought that was interesting. We've got a lot to discuss there because
You know, it's very clear that nobody involved in that exchange had ever read a business book in their entire life
I mean they were just setting themselves up to get ripped off
But also sandy is firmly their third favorite captain behind of course captain Carrie and the horror murderer captain Glenn
They're all very different captains if you think about it. Yeah.
Well, if I may continue.
Right, because there's three white men and one white woman.
Two of them are bald and she's a woman.
And then the third one has like thoughts on Sierra and West.
But he's like 70.
So.
That's right.
Well, I thought the episode.
I can't believe that he did that with her heart
Oh, by the way, are you watching Captain Lee's new spin into the murder reality TV world? No
Yeah, Captain Lee in the high seas. He does like recaps of murders that happened on boats
Anyway
This episode should have been called the Sea Rat Hood of the traveling pants and I think you know why
This episode should have been called the Sea Rat Hood of the Traveling Pants, and I think you know why
Bree is an absolute disaster. I almost think she's a plant. She's that bad. Yeah. Yeah, she's
horrifying Well anyway, I actually enjoyed the episode. I'm gonna give it 40 knots. Yeah, I'm gonna give four pots right because
Poop is what I think I
is poop is what I think. I got through 20 minutes of it and little had happened.
But we're getting into the season,
we're getting to know each other.
There are things being sewn right now.
What with the cold war between Jono and the Balkan Biscuit,
Gail's fervent loyalty to her boyfriend.
Yeah, yeah.
The last 30 seconds, I don't know if we watch
what people get to see.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's, those loyalties are strained.
Yeah, yeah, they're very strained.
Because it's been a day, right?
It's been one day.
And Thing One also demonstrated that he's quite a piece of shit.
I'm not a big fan of guys who hit on women who are taken and don't care that they're taken.
Well, Dylan, I have to say this.
I think he's prescribing to the age old euphemism.
I don't know him. I don't know him.
Right, right, right, right.
And there's a difference between owing and actively.
Trying to have sex with some guy's girlfriend. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sure.
It's like, well, I don't owe you anything. That's not really a debt. That's just you
going out of your way to be a piece of shit. But we'll get into the entire thing.
We begin though with a big sigh from Pat.
Yeah. Well, it was a Sophie's choice but Slightly less steaks, you know, no one was being chosen to go to the gas chamber, right?
It was whether or not someone's gonna make grilled cheeses or not. Yeah
Gail and the Balkan Biscuit are trying their best to take care of the children
It's a really good look when the children begin doing the job for you
They they they go. Hey, I can help you make some drinks or this is exactly
They they go hey, I can help you make some drinks or this is exactly
Would cap the captain sandy meant during that crew meeting where she said this season we're gonna be shooting
For five-star service because we all know when we go to a nice restaurant on a date or with our spouse
You know, no one's around for a little while. So we just go behind the bar and start making our own cocktails, right five-star service Yeah,, it's five star service. You know when you're at a restaurant
and the appetizers haven't come out in a little bit
and you're like, you know what?
I'll go back there and make my own spinach artichoke dip.
You know?
Five star service.
Five stars.
Give me a hairnet.
Give me a hairnet.
But I will say the little pig influencers actually,
oh, and by the way, I've got to talk about eats con
eats got we went to eats con eats con eats con like a convention a convention for foodies
free food god no we'll talk about that at Patreon.com.
I went into an existential spiral, fought with multiple vendors.
It was a nightmare.
So the Balkan Biscuit tells us a little Searad history.
I don't know where this is going to rank because...
I'll be the judge of this. because it doesn't have the visceral violence that some other Seerat
histories have given us but it does have this very kind of bleak I don't know
like there's a child who wants a Barbie doll and a Barbie mansion, but she can't have that so she makes one out of
cardboard and glue
Now duct it now to me
That ranks as close to a five as you can possibly get but Pat. I'm not the arbiter of this scale
No, no, no, no, no, you're not Dylan. All right, so it's pretty sad
Just on the surface level. That's a one. You know, it's a war-torn
place that she was living. There's bombs being dropped everywhere. So I started thinking, you know, that whole Barbie house made a duct tape and whatnot.
Yeah. Here's how you get to ten. Had someone's head fallen off, you know, bombs are going off everywhere.
Well, bad, the skeleton go to ten, doesn't it?
It can.
No, it's a one to five scale, I thought.
Oh, okay.
All right.
If you want to get to a four.
Okay.
All right.
Then where you were living, some guy's head got blown off and you had to unravel some
of that duct tape from your Barbie dollhouse and go tape the guy's head back up.
That's a five.
Okay.
Okay.
Get some duct tape.
I think that- It popped up into his head. I think it's over there.
I think that we're what, what you're missing a little bit and why I might have
to step in, um,
is because you're not really recognizing the kind of subtextual horror of the
situation, right? The reason why zone of interest works is because it's not
visceral. It hints at the nightmare that's happening.
So you see a girl making a Barbie dollhouse out of duct tape and cardboard, and then you
hear the screams of the bombs going off in the background and call her Mia 5.
I mean, that's just about as high as you can get.
Yeah, she kept the whole war thing close to the vest though.
Right, but you know that that's on the landscape.
See, what happened to that guy's head? It's over there. Hey, let's someone have duct tape. Let's
do this. Let's talk about it off mic. Fair. So I don't, I want to go back for just so Gail
is making those grilled cheese. Gail and I don't want to judge the young lady, but the ratio of
cheese on that, on that piece of bread was way off. What do you like a lot of cheese on that on that piece of bread. Yeah, it was way off. What do you like a lot of cheese?
No, I don't want that much cheese. I'll be sitting on the throne for the next three weeks. Are you
kidding me? Right. And we've just built a new. Oh, the the studio has a bathroom. We've built a
bathroom into the studio. And I think it's a little snug. Very snug. I say we I mean Pat and when I say Pat
I mean the people that Pat hired to build this the bathroom, but anyways, we're coming up
So it's late night
That ends at 6 a.m. And we rise for the temple of Poseidon day
Which we never go to Sandy just says temple of Poseidon and then we see
him. Anyways so Jonah wakes for a new day and a very big statement. I'm very happy
that I didn't betray myself last night. Yeah.
Yeah. I'm with you but we're not doing ayahuasca right now. You're a
Sea Rat. You're about to make avocado toast.
Dill you're getting what I'm throwing down. Yeah. Okay. So he also adds, he needs to do him.
And at the end of the day, yeah, he stood up for himself. Joano, I am not a fan of yours. Standing
up for yourself would generally mean people were pushing you to do something that was out of your
character or against your moral code. Okay. Not asking you to make fucking grilled cheese. You idiot.
Okay, got it.
We are producing a generation of idiots, Dylan.
Uh huh.
Yeah.
By the way, did he add, he might've just said,
hey, I'm brave for that too.
Yeah, no.
Because he refused to make grilled cheese.
Fuck off.
I'm Russ McGowan and I am fucking brave.
I feel like he speaks in like,
Jenny from the Block fortune cookies.
Like if JLo had her own line of things
that came out of fortune cookies, it would be a lot of Jono isms you know what I mean which I
wouldn't put past her I mean she's she's doing everything in the world to remain
relevant and there's a great clip from when she was relevant when she walks
past her old house and there's a there's an old man that lives there now. And she goes, that's my house.
He goes, no, it's not.
She goes, no, I used to live there.
He goes, who are you?
She goes, Jennifer Lopez.
He goes, hell.
I mean, it's a marvelous cultural moment.
Yeah, she's struggling though.
Yeah, she is.
So provisions are her and Ben together still.
I don't know juries out
You know, they really fucked me over old Patty has a crystal brain head
I've predicted so many stupid things over the years that always come true always and I predicted probably about six months in I said
There's no way they're making it till the end of the year. Mm-hmm. Well, they screwed me
Yeah, they've been together for like three years now. Yeah, I mean that's that's nuts
But you're I did predict people would be murdered at Disneyland and that happened this week
Yeah, I mean but that's like predicting that
You know
You know homeless guys gonna throw rocks at something, you know, that's gonna happen. Okay
According to you, I mean, people are dying at Disneyland
every half hour, according to you.
That's right, and when it's one of the costume people
and they roll a seven, they throw a fucking tarp
over their dead body.
I get it, they don't want to scare children.
Who wants to see Goofy laying on the ground
hemorrhaging blood?
Not me.
Not me.
And to think you'd have to hemorrhage so much blood
that it would have to seep through your clothes
and through the costume, that's how grisly that injury'd have to hemorrhage so much blood that it would have to seep through your clothes and through the costume
That's how grisly that injury would have to be
man
Should we talk about hella fresh? Sure. No. Yeah, I'm sponsored. So provisions are late. Yeah. Yeah, these people need to be put in prison
you know, I
Mean, I really don't think that jail time is completely ridiculous for these provisioners
What you know what they've done here is?
You know I get this and forgive me
But there is another saying that says something to the effect of when people show you who they are
Believe them. Yeah, these people have already not come through about four times at this point
People have already not come through about four times at this point.
Yeah.
Fucking fire them.
Fire.
And hire a new company.
No, there are a bunch of gypsies sitting around a warehouse
just slugging down all the fucking red wine
that's supposed to be on your bout.
I mean, you can't trust these people.
They play spoons and they're drunks.
So, boasting rats on the Balkan biscuit a little bit.
It had to be unintentional, I believe,
but we shall see.
We shall see.
I don't know what Ian's character is yet.
Aisha tells the little one that day one is behind us and that she's going to do
a fantastic job today and you know optimism is much more desirable than
pessimism but you have to be you have to be realistic about these things.
I mean, this little cheese is here to destroy the boat.
And that's the only reason she was brought aboard
this vessel.
So I know that you can maintain this and try to, you know,
it's delusional to think that today is going to be a good day with cheese.
Okay? Cheese doesn't, cheese was chauffeured around, she had her, I mean, you have to think
of the level of wealth to have a child have their laundry picked up, pressed, and driven
back to them.
I mean, that's kind of unprecedented for spoiled sea rats.
Now if you remember, Dylan, this is what I'm getting.
Forgive me.
I'm starting to get concerned that Below Deck is allowing
some frauds on these boats.
If you remember a few seasons back,
we had the daughter to the air of Whole Foods
to come on for one charter.
That's right.
I assume she was a super fan of the show.
Right.
I don't want it.
Well, we want frauds, but again,
we want them to be more entertaining.
So, you know, the reason I brought up that,
that bomb throwing rocks is because that actually
happened recently.
We discussed it on a PS, I think, get him on the boat.
You know, we don't need, we don't need her to figure out
how to do laundry.
We need him to figure out how to do laundry we need him to figure out how to do
laundry hey uh kermit i think one of your stews keeps throwing shit off the side of the boat
dude i would love to see that can you imagine that he's just like eating the tide and then
throwing shit out off the i mean that would be the best episode of below deck in the history of the
franchise producers just hit us up at the DMs.
We have a lot of ideas.
Let's take a break to talk about HelloFresh.
Oh, I'd love to, Dylan.
You know what never, you know what is a lovely provision that never arrives late?
HelloFresh?
HelloFresh, okay.
Ditch the meal planning woes and dive into Hello Fresh's biggest menu yet with over 50 recipes and
Even more market items to choose from every single week cut down on time spent in the kitchen
So you can get back to enjoying the summer sunshine
Thanks to Hello Fresh's quick and easy recipes every week menu features options that are ready in just 20 minutes or less
That's even quicker than delivery.
It is quicker than delivery.
And the thing about this is okay, so many things I am so sick of being in the kitchen for long.
I'm not I don't want to do what I don't want to do.
This prep.
We're not doing Osabuco.
I just want to meal prep and get it out of the way.
So I don't go to Arowan and spend $60 for no reason.
I don't want to get delivery which is going to for no reason. I don't want to get delivery,
which is going to cost $80 more than it should and likely get stolen by the
driver. Anyways,
sometimes that food shows up and it's been flown around like someone swung it,
like it had a bag full of rocks.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Was there a meteor shower that I didn't know about that you were driving through?
What happened to this pizza?
But not with HelloFresh.
Not to HelloFresh.
What?
Go to HelloFresh.com slash below deck apps
for free appetizers for life.
One appetizer per box while subscription is active.
That's free appetizers for life at HelloFresh.com
slash below deck apps.
HelloFresh is the number one meal kit for eating well.
You know what else, Pat?
What, what, what?
You know what else is unbelievable?
Tell me, tell me.
If HelloFresh could possibly deliver in the package
Tropical Smoothie Cafe.
Oh my goodness.
I don't know that we would really ever have
to leave our homes.
That would be the end and the beginning of the end.
I wouldn't leave the house ever. But Tropical Smoothie Cafe is far too
marvelous to be shipped anywhere. You can however go to one of the 1,400 plus
locations and get unbelievable tropical bright and refreshing smoothies. How
about those mocktails, Del? Those are my favorite. The mocktails are Pat's favorites and why are those your favorites? Well I just
love how they taste. It just you feel like a million bucks after you have one
and you also feel like you're at a beautiful beach with the sun shining
down on your toes. Yes the sun is shining down on your toes and also the whales
are speaking to you and so are the dolphins. The like whoo-hoo. He's saying hey, give me some of that tropical smoothie
Yeah, and some of the fish
Who are more well adjusted to the world actually just speak plain English or whatever language you speak
They say hand it over and I say no no no no yeah, I only have a little left
It's all for me, and then the dolphins go. Oh, I'm just kidding. I wouldn't be that aggressive towards
I wouldn't try to steal your trouble the nice movie cafe
But another reason why you love the
mocktails because they have no booze and you're recovering booze that's that's
right so the watermelon mojito smoothie has watermelon mint strawberries and
lime you're on traffic time now go to one of the fourteen hundred plus
locations okay and order a smoothie or use promo code bad TV in the tropical
smoothie app we love you very much
Let's get back to the show. All right, so this is when I who meets with
Captain Sandy. Oh, this is what you mentioned this already
So Ian unintentionally or intentionally let Sandy know the chef had to be woken up to make food and Sandy answers immediately without any other
Information. Well, that's not going to happen. Yeah.
Why not?
There was like, OK, so Balkan Biscuit, friend of the show,
obviously needs to chill out.
I know she's from the Balkans, but we
are launching another Cold War against Jono.
It's not worth it.
But where is all this Mr. Rogers neighborhood friendliness when it comes to what the Balkan biscuit did?
You know, this whole thing is like, hey, it's okay that you shrunk the Charter Guest pants down to an infant size.
It's fine that they don't have half of the clothing that they came here with.
It's fine that this jerk-off didn't bother read the preference sheet that explicitly said late night food.
But when it comes to this, it's also,
don't wake up the chef.
And then walking down the stairs, don't ever wake me up.
Where is all the happiness?
Where's the raindrops and the gumdrops, OK?
As far as I can tell, it's only raindrops.
Well, at the end of the day, he needed to be himself.
Yes, exactly.
And that is Jenny from The Block.
So Jonah and Asia have a little bit of a tiff,
recounts the tale of not betraying himself. And Asia says, well,
to be fair, they did say that they want late night snacks.
And you said that you would have those ready. So,
you know, Dylan,
I am shocked by the preference sheet and these employees of these vessels that
rarely look at those goddamn preference.
It's not just that it's a. It's a failure of reading comprehension.
And I can't talk. Oh yeah. I can't talk. Here's me. I'm a charter guest. Hey, is this shellfish?
Yeah, it is. Oh, I'm allergic to shellfish. It can kill me. Oh, did you put that in your
preference sheet? Actually, I did. Yeah, yeah. Oh. Tonight's first course is asparagus ceviche.
Tonight's first course is asparagus ceviche. Hi, we're all here because we're part of an asparagus
makes your piss stink and that's why we hate it group.
Yeah, it's a convention.
I don't know why.
That's how we all met is because of our hatred
for asparagus.
So I don't know why you would have pulled out some sick,
cold asparagus dish for us.
Was it on the profergy?
In fact, it was.
Oh.
Yeah, no, it's pretty wild. But sea know sea rats are gonna see rat and that's never good
I mean we've discussed it before when people go. Oh, that's just Mike
It's not good when people chalk up your behavior to your chronic behavior to just being you that's right. You know what I mean?
Hey, I do want to go back to Kermit and I do appreciate her positivity. It's a little too much for me
But I like how she pushed back against Jonah's assertion that it was based because he was clearly trying to get out
Ahead of this in front of the Balkan biscuit, right and she was hearing no part of it
Well, he's an incredible chef breakfast specials gonna be avocado toast with an egg on top of it
Okay, I mean it's like never mind. So we talked to the boyfriend of Gail
and this conversation doesn't go great.
She says, you know, I don't know if I'm good
at this long distance thing, you know.
Clearly not.
We're looking for shoots everywhere.
We're just trying to get out of this.
Sandy and Jono chat, he says, I couldn't sleep
because I had so much anxiety
after one of the stools woke me up.
And this is another one of these things where?
We can't speak like this right? That's I mean, that's a you problem
I I can't be around a guy like Jonah or anybody like this that sees the world this way
Well, what way is that? Well, it's just if this bothers me
Then I'm not doing I mean welcome to living on the planet Earth.
I have to do shit all day long that I don't want to do.
My kids crying, weee daddy, I want milk.
I wouldn't be myself if I made that milk for you.
I think you're going to have to starve.
To get up and to get you this treat that you want would be a betrayal of my character
And as your father I want to teach you to never do that. Okay, and that's why
Sit the fuck down and watch Coco melon. So
Gail will don't watch Coco melon though, because I think it's like
MK ultra
Programming from the Chinese or something. I have no idea what the hell it is
I get I'm glad I don't have to watch it anymore. Yeah, okay. She's moved on to pinkalicious
Oh, it's bad for your heart pinkalicious. Fantastic. Oh, yeah, that's great
So Sandy and Jonah chat nope covered that Gail and thing one or thing to have a chat
They talked about keeping their relationship platonic. I think. We'll see how platonic that is.
We have no rosé, so we're going to ask another boat for their stock.
Now, Dale, hold up here, because this is where Sandy, Captain Sandy, really earns her stripes
with her problem-solving skills, rather than call a new provisioner or acquire rosé or
perhaps have someone take one of those tenders into town to buy it from a nice little wine shop. She sends a decky to ask another super yacht to purchase their wine.
Why Sandy working as a captain when she could be helping out with this whole peace thing between
the Russians and the Ukrainians? Yeah, I mean, you know, we've listened to a lot of coverage about
Gaza and I don't think that we have really allowed Sandy a crack at
that at all.
You know, I can imagine Sandy goes to Qatar or brokers some
kind of peace talks with Netanyahu and Benny Gantz and
the leaders of Hamas.
And she goes, hey.
And they sh-t** and nothing gets solved. I mean, it's a very complicated issue.
Now that would be a horrible thing, clearly. Yeah. But in that hypothetical, that's a possibility.
Yep, absolutely. So, they go over and they... Why? Why? I'm not just putting the on Hamas you know I mean Netanyahu
Netanyahu is capable of it too I think yeah I mean he loves war all right I was
actually hoping that the other boat didn't have any wine for some reason. I was I was praying that it was this
Recoverers cruise or something like that. Oh, no. Sorry. We only have milk
But alas they do have
Rosé and this decky
Eyebrows gets a little bit too big for his britches, you know another Sea Rat
You know, you're not a
pirate. We're not going on a rescue mission here. You're going to get
Whispering Angel, okay? It's piss. What you're getting is, what you're trying to
acquire right now is corked piss. So, thing one or thing two says we're getting
the rose or we're getting the rose
or we're not coming back.
Again, I mean, that's a SEAL Team Six kind of thing.
And then he heads over and says, name your price,
and we'll pay.
Now, any good businessman worth his weight in salt
would say $500 a bottle.
But this Rube says $75.
Now, these bottles of rosé are
Sold at Ralph's yeah, I mean I think you can get them
Six for five dollars each something like that. This is not
You know a hard-earned vintage. This is mass-produced
bottled and corked piss
That they're paying $75 a bottle for but the solution has arisen we purchase the
Rosé and we head back to the boat to cheer somebody says is that a jellyfish?
It stung me in the face. Would you piss on my face funny?
Do you think it was funny? Not at all.
We've got soba noodle salad and chicken for lunch.
Jonah and the ball can have an undercurrent of passive aggression towards one another.
He has not apologized yet.
No, he has not.
And then we get to the and you know, we're going to call her cheese.
Yeah, we're going to call her cheese.
All right.
Yeah, boy.
Stress and balls in that laundry room.
Yeah. We're gonna call her cheese. All right. Yeah boy stress and balls in that laundry room. Yeah
She she loses a pair of pants and
she begins to hyperventilate and cry and
In the tea she said that she's been yawning for some time and she's never made it through an entire charter season
I think that was last episode and we find out why
She was a Fauntleroy.
Right?
Now on a scale of Sea Rat Sadness, now again this is difficult to chart, right?
Because well it is very privileged to grow up this way.
What it can do if you have to come into contact with real
life is turn you into cheese.
Well, look what happened to Harry
and William and their lives don't
look too good.
No, I mean,
you know, Harry's sitting up in
Montecito and he's looking at Megan
every day thinking I should just
kill myself.
And Megan's looking at him thinking,
you know, I should just fucking kill myself and
and to think about
They're living their lives in Montecito and what they miss is the bloodlust of the bloodlust and the the satanic ritual of the Royals
I mean, that's that's the fucking shit for them. You know how a lot of people, you know, like like that guy in
for them. You know how a lot of people, you know, like, like that guy in Shawshank, he got out of jail, he didn't know what to do with himself. So he hung himself. That's right. Right. Who was that?
Was that blue? What was his name? God, I should know this job in the comments. Let us know what
his name was. But red, red, no red was red was Morgan Freeman. That's right. Yeah.
Red was here too. That's what he carves into that
banister where the other guy had took in his own life. Yeah. And
it's very clear at the end of the film that Tim Robbins and
Morgan Freeman are engaged in a gay relationship. And that's
what happens in prison. Okay. And for anybody to have any
judgment about that
I'd tell you to you know, don't be so judgmental
Okay, where am I?
I don't know. Well, I'll say this.
Alright, so originally with cheese if the movie was about cheese
it would be called the Sea Rat Hood of the Traveling Pants.
Okay.
At some point she finds those goddamn missing pants.
They were somewhere else.
Anyway, that the sequel of that movie be called Sea Rat got her groove back
No, no, it would be the Sea Rat hood of the traveling pants, too
It would be the the Sea Rat hood of
the traveling pants er I
I am I'm off today. No I am, I'm off today.
No, no, no.
I'm off today and I apologize for that, but,
you know, I don't know.
So when someone is this bad,
there are so many things that can go wrong.
Like let's put the homeless guy in the boat, right?
So he's eating the detergent
and he's trying to scratch people
and he's throwing things off the boat.
Now-
He's also manufactured some kind of living dwelling
in the goddamn walkway.
So none of us can walk on the boat.
Yeah, right.
He has a bed, but he's not used to that kind of life.
So what he's making a boat. Yeah, right. He has a bed, but he's not used to that kind of life.
So what he's making a lot of mistakes, right?
You're having to walk over him at night.
And he's lived a little.
He keeps starting fires.
He keeps starting fires to keep warm.
And it's fairly warm inside.
He doesn't need to do that.
But with the fires.
And somehow he stole someone's bicycle.
I don't know how
we pulled there are they keep they keep undoing the hatch to get the water toys
out and it's just more and more bikes I mean it's just spilling out it's like if
like many PB Hermans were in there and I don't know where he's getting them but
people do hear a a splash at night and they can't find it but anyways hey listen man with oh also when he's sleeping in the
hallway at night if you step over him he lashes out because that's condition
didn't him okay do you have any idea what it's do you have any idea what it's
like to sleep with people stepping over you. You don't know if they're friendly.
You don't know if they're a fire. So, but he'd be way better than cheese. It'd be much
better than cheese, but he, that's not to say he would be perfect. And what with the
fires and the bikes and the detergent Eden, there are so many things going wrong that you have to
pick your battles and that's exactly what Asia has to do with cheese because
cheese it cannot be bull rushed with all of her mediocrity on display okay she
has to get kind of tempered into this boat now speaking of no so eyebrows aka Speaking of, no. So, Eyebrows, aka Thing 2, doesn't do...
Nathan for the audience.
No.
Joe.
Joe.
Oh, you're going to talk about how he kind of Fs up here.
Yeah, I mean, we can.
I was confused by it. I understood the whole concept of the rope having too much slack.
I didn't. I didn't understand that.
Oh, you didn't? Okay. Yeah, I think that was, he was like, why isn't this tightening?
It's well, you got eight feet of rope
sitting on the deck there, dude.
It's not taut.
I don't really know how really any of that stuff works.
That's okay.
Yeah.
But you could tell that Sandy was pissed.
Yeah, she wasn't happy at all.
But the document goes fine.
And the children leave and we get to our tip but not
before Aisha talks about taking a massive shit. Yeah that's her thing she likes bathroom
humor. I think part of a brand. I think what Aisha does is it's very clever now I don't
know if that this I don't think that this is the motivation behind it. I think that it's just a convenient byproduct.
No one views Asia as a sexual creature.
She's not going to get involved in any of these trysts or anything like that.
She's walking around the boat talking about taking massive shits. Okay.
Gail's not doing that. The Balkan biscuits not doing that.
Cheese is not doing that. None of the guys are doing it either.
So it's all fair game for them.
They can fuck and suck.
Meanwhile, Aisha's over here talking about shitting.
Anaconda length turds.
And because of that, she friendzones pretty much everybody in the vicinity.
Very, very smart.
You know, my ex-girlfriend, you know, her mother was the Deb,
who didn't like me
and I didn't like the Deb either.
One time we're out eating at Michelli's,
that Italian restaurant, and she tries telling me,
I was so in demand at my former workplace
that I put on a ton of weight
because I loved my husband so much.
I was like, sure, Deb.
Deb, you bitch you
Sorry, sorry
Okay, so we get to the tip meeting
And it's all smiles and lollipops until we get to never wake the chef
the Balkan biscuit pipes up.
And this is where, you know, the Balkan biscuits got to,
you know, sit back, take the lashings a little bit, right?
We can't be popping off in the first tip meeting, you know?
Well, all right, so there's a few things
to break down here.
Well, first we had an interior meeting
where Kermit holds this meeting to let her team know
what they can improve upon. And when she looks at Bree she says everything or she
should have said that yeah and then we have the tip meeting or we're there
right Dill yeah okay when you lead with kindness they will follow and never wake
the chef says Sandy yeah and then they'll rely on paninis moving forward
yeah and I have a question for Captain Sandy. What if I don't want panini's? Yeah
do you guys have any like wings or nachos or like pizza or
chips and guac or
bagel bites anything like that
Would you like a panini I
Didn't say any I didn't I said so many things. Paninis, all you have. And it's crazy like the five-star service element of this.
Like, when are we going to give this up? I mean, you literally feed them, depending on the night, edible food at seven o'clock.
And then they're told to drink until their heart's desire. And then, you know, if they want anything, it's going to be pressed sandwiches pre-prepared or nothing you know that's not five stars that is not
five-star that's some aquatic prison you know prisoners don't get late-night
snacks they just get dinner so we the Balkan
biscuit goes into a bit of a spiral and the war has now been waged against
Juno and
Like I mentioned it's cold right now, but I think nukes will be dropped at some point in the future I said I predict he doesn't make a past episode 5. Let's see if I'm right
I think Jono is gonna be around for a little bit Jono's boyfriend is named David
Would you like to comment on David or his looks? No?
Opera singer, I think that's what opera singers look
like in Europe. Yeah, okay. Yeah, it looks like a Viking. Yeah, he looks like if Kyle
Gass and Jack Black were one. A little bit. A little bit. You know? Mm-hmm. Am I
am I way too much tonight? Not at all. We might want to bleep out one thing that
we'll talk later but other than that I think it it when I call Devin? Oh no no no I totally
agree with that one. The only reason I called her that is because she's so she
was so harmful to you. She was so mean to me. She was awful to you. Thanks for getting my
back. Yeah of course. So we get ready for the night out. Nathan thing one sees
Gail and says she has a boyfriend but he doesn't owe him anything then we get to dinner mr. charisma aka thing two
aka Joe begins the macking I had I had no idea that he was such a hot commodity
on this boat well he's not it's just there's only there's only so many people
you know which I guess makes him a hot
commodity so in fact he is that's Terrence Howard math right there oh yeah
you're gonna sneeze yeah thank you so we get ready no date night well boatmances
are disgust and Gail's not sure she can be loyal to anybody I appreciate the
candor and then Kermit shares that she never has to worry about Scott right
yeah because and it's not just because he lives in a van in the middle of the woods and shits in a bucket, right?
No Asian Scott have a beautiful relationship and I ship them very very hard
But yeah, what happens is you know, I was being facetious earlier you need not
Talk about the length of your feces or anything
like that in order to ward off predators. All you have to do is be in a loving relationship
with somebody that you really care about. Yeah. Which Gail's not in. Which is why she'll
bang thing one at the drop of a hat. You know, I mean, it's been 36 hours and Gail's like,
you know, I don't think I can do this. Now that's not
love if you ask me. No, she probably shouldn't be using that word. All right, so
Aisha is the producer we need. She's just juicing Gail up and she's juicing the
Balkan biscuit up too. The smut is escalating all the way back to the boat
and we get to the strawberry. Now the strawberry is a code word for I think
fingering. Yeah, yeah. Something like that like if I was a gambling man yeah so um
the two of them text they coordinate this this black ops mission to evade the cameras where are
they where's the only place I have cameras I'll tell you in that goddamn shower but mommy daddy
and also your boyfriend gail are gonna know your fucking yeah here's the thing like you can try to
evade the cameras but if you talk can try to evade the cameras,
but if you talk about trying to evade the cameras in front
of the cameras, then there's really no point, right?
Do you remember Zarina, one of our favorite chefs
from a couple seasons ago, she told us
that she didn't even know that they have cameras
on their iPhone screens.
So they're reading everything that you got,
even if you think you're being discreet.
Yeah, they have your texts. It's really Orwellian what these producers do jump in the comments
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So so so much. I'm Dylan saying goodbye Pat say goodbye. Later, dudes! Thank you.