Another Below Deck Podcast - It Feels Worse Than It Looks | The Valley S3 E9  

Episode Date: May 29, 2026

Ruby and Pat are back to break down Perfect Match, Stevie Wonder, new haircuts, Runyon Canyon, Covid loans, seafood boils, Olive Garden, Nick Viall, Iggy Azalea and more from Bravo's The Valley.YOUTUBE: https://www.youtube.com/@badtvpod  INSTAGRAM: https://www.instagram.com/badtvpodcast/?hl=en

Welcome to Bad TV in our coverage of the Valley. Bravo's worst television show. By far, it's not even close. But you know what? We have a great recap for you anyway. We have Ruby Red. Say hi, Ruby. Hi, Pat.

How are you? We have producer Kalin. Hello. And we have someone very, very special for the podcast. It is one, the great Annabelle Desisto. for letting me do this. Oh, stop it. Truly, this is, I feel like I, like, paid for a cameo to be able to, like, get to do this show.

So thank you so much. You know, the listeners, Ruby has a lot of snark, but with her brother Dylan, it's just, like, snark overload. And with Dylan not here, there wasn't enough snark. So when I was looking through my Rolodex, I said, who can bring, like, an overdose of snark with Ruby? And your name just came to mind. So I said, Annabelle desist.

was the person to recap this show with us. I can feel my heart is growing like three sizes like the Grinch, like under my implant. So now I'm going to have to go see Britney's doctor because that's one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. So thank you very much, Patrick. Back in the day when Annabelle used to come on and recap The Bachelor with us, one time we had a guest on, but she from the Bachelor show, and I forget, I think her name was Taylor. She was in the waiting room as we were starting.

to do the recap. And we were just rolling, doing our thing with Annabelle. And someone was in the room with her. And they told us later that as she was listening, her head just slowly started dropping, knowing what she was going into. And she's like, she sat under her breath. She said, Savage. Referring to us and what she was about to go into. So yeah, memories. Anyway, you remember that, Annabel? Yes, Tameoka. Taymoka. Yeah.

Wow. Yeah. That is amazing recall. There's like 180 people per season on that show. So very well done. And they're all named Taylor. I mean, like, if you ask me my like a bank account number, my password, I've had to reset my password three times just to even make this Zoom, like to sign it into this Zoom account like today. But yeah, I remember Tameoka.

Social handle. Now, what's going to be special about this? podcast and this recap is that Annabelle DeSisto, despite being in the past, like really in the Bravo world, has only seen this season of the Valley. And she did that to recap this one particular episode. So she did her homework. She did not see season one. She did not season two. So she will be seeing Darkside Danny's behavior through the lens of just this single season. So I'm curious about her thoughts of kind of just catching up now, but we'll get there. Do we have any things that we need to get out of the way, Ruby?

I don't. Not that I can recall. Was that a trick question? No. Kaelin, anything? Yeah, go check out our Patreon. Oh, that's right. Rocking over there.

There's tons of extra content. And if you sign up for it, you get ad-free episodes every week. So if you hate all those pesky ads, go sign up for the Patreon. Five bucks a month. You won't need to listen to any more ads. Wow. Kaylin, thank you for doing me and Pat's job, because Dylan would have had a really stern word with both of us that neither of us would have wanted to hear. So thank you for that a lot. Thank you.

My pleasure. Okay. So I guess let's get started here. Annabel, we rate each episode. We scored on how good or bad it is. And we base the scale on bumps. And we are referring to the usage of the drug cocaine. We kind of took it over from the amount of pasta.

Exactly. Exactly. So one bump being not a good episode and a hundred bumps, that's a lot of cocaine, being a good episode. Yes, Ruby. Sorry, I actually do have a housekeeping item to say. I don't know if either of you are watching perfect match. But Ali Lubber on this Netflix show, I would just like. Correct. Yes. James Kennedy soon to be father, James Kennedy. Speaking of bumps, she is a, she is a quirky little star. And I am so happy. that I know who she is as a person. And it also makes me so sad that she ever wasted her time with him. But I hope she gets her way onto all of our reality TV shows because I would like her back on my screen. And that's all for me.

It's so funny you mentioned Perfect Match because somehow that has caught my eye. And I watched like two episodes last night. Not only that, but the glow up on that dude that got lured into dating. Jimmy. dating Megan Fox if she was wearing a COVID mask from Love is Blind. Do you remember the girl who said she was told

that she looks like Megan Fox? Chelsea. Yes. Anyway. Okay, thank you for that. Okay, so Annabel, this episode, what would you rate it? One to a hundred bumps? Going on just on the season that I've seen,

I would say that this is just like, Like me trying it out, like, if you were doing like a, like, I don't know, like, completely like Mormon, like boring person level to like Scarface. I don't know. Like, like a, like a, like a, like a five. I don't know. Five bumps. Boy, you're not going to get invited to the next cocaine party.

Um, I was like, really, I've never even done cocaine. I'm a huge support. I think it's amazing. I've never been able to. do it myself just because I have everything I love, like gives you energy, makes you skinny, makes you talk fast. I already talk like an auctioneer

as you people here. So I'm like, I can't speed that up anymore. So it's like, I know if I like ever tried Coke, I'd be like gone in like a week. So I've sadly never gotten to do it. But I guess getting to watch the Valley is the closest.

There you go. Ruby, what did you think of the episode? Okay. I agree. It was a shit episode. Don't invite me to your cocaine parties. What I will say is I want to be gentle, but it's hard because it's not a gentle topic. I don't give a shit about Brittany's mommy makeover. I want her to feel great.

Go get after it. Never again. I don't want to see pumps. I don't want to see blood on the show. That took away 10 of my bumps. Oh, what are we going? I'll go 35 bumps here. Genuinely low.

35 bumps. It's been a tough season overall. I initially liked the season because, you know, I have two kids now. I do live in the valley. A lot of these places that they go to have their lunches or dinners are places that my wife and I frequent. And we're going through the same baby drama and stuff. We can relate is what I'm trying to get at with a lot of these people. But some of these people are just so hateable. And there is only one storyline this season. And that is that Danny is a fucking drunk. and his wife is in denial. And that's just, we've been beaten over the head with that over and over and over again. And it's getting tiresome. And I've come to think that Nia is possibly accepted that he is a drunk and he's verbally abusive with her. But the reason that you come on to these shows and why she's protective of them, despite all that, is that you're here to make brand deals and make money. And so there's like behind the fourth wall, she's going, I can't believe you motherfuckers are coming for us for another season.

Like this asshole that I'm married to that's a drunk needs to pay the bills because I don't work. I got five fucking kids that I got a raise here. Go ahead, Ruby. What are you going to say? I was going to say, like, and this is what I, my secret hopes and they're not secret, Annabel. I hope that she leaves him. I hope that Nia is like the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life. I hope that a very, very wealthy man who is also.

rooted in his faith, whatever that faith may be, I'm not religious, they can do that together. I want him to love her children just as much as they deserve to be loved. And then I want her to actually be appreciated and not told that she has frizzy hair when she's in the middle of breastfeeding by someone who is 5-1. That's what I want for her. I don't think that she has a choice. She has to defend him here. When Lala at one point, I think she was like, I don't know if she doesn't know or what, but yeah, I think she has to double down on it.

What I also am saying is like she can pivot and make way more money than he can influencing. Like, do she's any baby things. She's the most beautiful thing anyone has ever seen. I want her to fly away and prosper greatly. That being said, they're leaning a little too heavy in on that storyline this season. I'm going to give it, and I don't like cocaine, so this is probably a good rating. Zero bumps. Oh, good, yeah.

Zero bumps. All right, let's get started. Oh, by the way, funny note. Little Batty told us that Danny's and Nia's church, that's what was the inspiration for the righteous gemstones on HBO. Really? Yeah. Wow.

I know that we will, like, get into it. But it's like, yeah, this, I had never seen any of these people besides like the Vanderpump people before. So this is my first introduction into. Danny Darko, but he is the worst. I would say, I know this is a controversial statement. Obviously, Jacks is terrible. That it obviously, but it's like, Jacks, I still feel is a more likable villain and more like, because Jacks is like, yeah, I know I'm a dick hole. I've been one since like, what Vanderpulbuk rules was like, started like 13 years ago maybe, but he's so much

easier to watch because he doesn't have the facade of like, I'm a family man, I have faith. And like you, I'm not like a religious person. I don't have any problem with people who have, you know, faith. I get it. George Michael told all of us we got to have it. So I don't have a problem with faith itself.

But it's just like hide behind that who say like, well, I have faith. I'm a good family man. I'm a good church man. I'm like, the more you say it, the more I'm just like, hmm. Like guys who don't. don't go to church, don't say like, oh, I'm a good man.

I feel it's like, Doth protests too much. And it's like, I get, he's angry. Like, I get, like, did we even see him get to go on that roller coaster when they went to, like, the park, like, the episode before? I don't even know if he's allowed to ride the roller coaster. Right. He's too short. Maybe that's why he's so angry. Like, he needs to be like, like, like, Ryan Seacrest, like, stand in or, like, you know, dressing up as, like, a buildabair.

Like, I don't know. He's. angry and like I get it like you know yeah she probably put stuff like high up on a shelf so he can't get it and I like and I think she should I think he is I disgusting I wish I would would rather be watching jacks um I feel like if you ask like if you were like Stevie wonder describe to us what you think a douchebag looks like yeah he would be able to give like a police sketch artist level description. He's just awful.

His clothing would be included, his ripped jeans, that would be in the sketch. And Stevie would include that because he, Pat has a really good theory that like whatever era you were in fashion-wise and haircut-wise when you were getting the most girls is where you stay. And Danny is in the textbook. He's at the first, he's the first chapter. It's just Danny. He's a time capsule and he could fit in one.

So it's perfect. make sense. Annabelle's six feet tall, by the way. Hey, everyone. Most edibles get me way too high, but Lummi Gummy's make me feel just right. The other night, we were actually at a welcome dinner, and I didn't have Loomies on me, so I took a gummy from somebody else. My child started to weep, and I had to go into the hotel room and read an Italian

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Go to Loomigumbies.com. That's L-U-M-I-Gummies.com and use code bad TV for 30% off your order. Again, that's L-U-M-I-Gummies.com. code bad TV. Loomigemies.com code bad TV. All right. Here we go. The show. All right. So we start off at the salty girl on Sunset Boulevard at Sunset Plaza. This is moving up in the World Sunset Plaza for a location for this place. Because I owned a tour company, we used to point this exact building out.

This is where Scarface, which took place in Miami, actually shot some scenes out here. This exact space in 1983 was the Montana, a montana. a travel company. Fun. Okay. Anyway, useless a piece of information. All right. Kristen and Luke have their date night out.

Luke has a new perspective on marriage and a new haircut. Apparently he walked into supercuts and said, give me the douchebag. He, Patrick, his haircut with, I don't know if you saw, he had a, what appeared to be a diamond

encrusted compass. I was nervous, okay? I was nervous. Kristen and her tits were out. Luke got to go fishing and this is the best day of his life. You have any thoughts, Annabel? You used to know Kristen. Yes. She was, I'm sure still is, one of like the sweetest, kindest people I've ever met. Like she came to my dad's like 69th birthday. Like for my dad's 69th birthday, like he's always thought he's very funny. But like, I'm like, you know, Danny he actually is and doesn't, you know, target to every other person.

But it's like she came to like stand up show. I had to like rent out like a private like comedy club for my dad to do like a well, it's kind of like a sit down comedy show because he can't stand up. So he like had a desk. This sounds amazing. He's not like Teddy Roosevelt. He can stand up. He's just a larger man. It's easier to sit down.

But yeah. So she came to that. Like she is so, so kind and wonderful. And I'm just so happy to see her happy. I do believe I was like, oh, they named the Valley after like her cleavage because it is intense. Did you ever get to know Luke ever? I do not get to know Luke. I knew her when she was, when she was dating Jamie Kennedy, aka I called him Iqabod

praying. Okay. Because that's what I thought he looked like. Um, so I knew her when she was dating him and then after their breakup. Got it. Do you think she's going to work out with Luke? Because they seem like two very different people. I think Luke is like, like, I feel like she already had like, she was like had pre-mothering

lessons by dating and being engaged to Luke. Like, I feel like he is also, he's just like a slightly taller child. Like he, like wants to be on her boobs. I feel like more than Kaya does. Definitely. He's just, like, I don't know, get off of her. Like, these men need to get off of these women. Like, I feel like so bad for them.

But yeah, I don't think it's going to work out. And I think she deserves all the happiness in the world. I don't know if he's going to survive. Here's my thoughts. I think she thought it was her best idea because she'd been dating the Hollywood. I want to be a model kind of narcissist type. And then this was a nature guy who didn't want to be in front of the camera. camera is kind of just reel down to earth.

And then I think she's kind of bored with that and annoyed by that now, too. Well, okay, Pat, you're a parent. I am not a parent. I am a new wife of like less than two months. If you are, thank you, if you were postpartum to the degree that she is, which also, again, I don't know how they're even filming when she's this fresh, the entire like frustration and sleep deprivation and this whole phase of everything that moms and dads are going through is just like hell also kailin you can speak to it i if they get through this i like them together i think christin

kind of needs someone that is not like la and luke actually seems to be like for what he is like a pretty grounded guy he's like this is crazy these people are nuts we aren't participating in this like we of a healthy kid. Let's just like, and also wants to constantly, like, be all over his wife and have sex with her well before she's ready. And I think that's sadly probably pretty normal in everyone's relationship. He clearly got talked into being on this show, too. And he went for it.

And now I think he's kind of leaning into it a little bit, which again, lean back, Luke. Go back. Lean back out. Yeah, I don't know what world Luke and Zach would be having a beer talking over things, you know, but so be it. anyway, they talk about Danny being a drunk and whether or not Lala was overreacting. And then Luke recounts just the great day he had fishing, banging his wife, and now this wonderful dinner.

All right, let's get to Runyon Canyon. Runyon Canyon is the Hollywood premiere hiking trail. It used to be a place where you'd go to be seen. And now it's just the only square mile you can walk without seeing a zombie whizzing on a dead raccoon. Did you ever, do you ever hike at? Runyon Canyon, Annabel, when you lived here? I did one time, and it was because when I first moved there, and I was just trying to say,

like, yes to any, like, friend date, to any, like, girlfriend day. Love that. Yes, absolutely. And I'm like, oh, it involves being outside in natural lighting, walking. Some of my most hated things, but I'm like, I need, I don't know anyone here besides, like, the door person at my apartment, and they don't even like me that much. I need to make a friend. So a girl invited me to go hiking with her and I met her and we were going like we were just

kept walking up and I was like oh my god this was like exhausting. This was like workout was insane. And she's like we just got to the entrance. Like I thought like walking there I thought was it. Like I thought when we like saw like the run you can I was like all right that's the peak. That's the top. I didn't realize that was just like going to it. I was like oh absolutely not. Oh the parking alone you have to fight for your life and then you quote unquote get a spot and there's a hard way up and an easy way up doesn't matter where you're trying to get to you cannot park if you do park it'll take you 44 minutes to walk to the entrance and it's a 98 degree incline just to get to the hike it's insane that right so you guys

are like lala who was complaining about this so michelle and lala chat and we learn lala doesn't like to hike because it involves the downward slow she doesn't like down so i wonder what her thoughts are on stairs not good I couldn't believe it when I had never been hiking or had any sort of like experience like that because I like grew up in the glory hole of America, which is Florida. So like we don't have hiking in Florida. So it's like I never experienced that. So the second time when I was like, all right, I'll be smart enough to just be dropped off at the entrance and meet them. when we started going up, like, there's like stairs built in.

And then I look over and I was like, where's like the netting? Like I was just like, where's the, you know, like, you go to like a sky zone or whatever and there's like the safety netting. And I'm like, where is it? And they're like, well, there's not one. I was like, are there like guards? If they're like life guards anywhere? And I was like, what people can just like fall?

How is this legal? Like people can just go. And so I was like, oh, this is. awful. This is a terrible place. It's way too open for the amount of people that can access it, more people should die there. And I agree with that. Lots of rattlesnakes too. Michelle shares that Jesse took out one of those COVID loans.

Now, this was a thorn in my side during COVID. One of the many things that my friends were kind of bragging about, or not bragging about, but just kind of off the cuff mentioning like, oh, yeah, I got one of those loans for 200,000 or something. and I'm like, you're self-employed. And you're, why did you need? Well, you know, they shut us down for like two weeks. What the fuck are you talking about? We know of two podcasters that took out like $200,000.

And podcasting never died during COVID. Podcasters grew exponentially. No one shut down you recording a podcast in your apartment in 2020. And some of these people, I thought didn't have to pay back the money. So it was nice to hear douchebags like Jesse, who clearly took that money out just to piss away on lunches and wine and whatever. So I was shocked to hear that,

but I'm actually happy to hear that he had to pay it back. I usually don't love Lala's whole. Like, I hate men. Thank God I never have to procreate with one ever again. Like, technically you did. But when she said Jesse could not pay $200 of his child's child. support. I was like, Lala is not even, I would get on her shoulders and yell from the top of that fucking mountain. Fuck every dad that has ever done this. This is insanity. I am sell your Rolex. If you're,

Jesse, you have a daughter. You have Gucci loafers. You have a daughter. You don't have loafer's anymore because you don't have a job because your Lollie estate's hat is not selling anything. I that made me I I never like Jesse but now I am ooh and also Lacey buys him everything yuck yuck yuck yeah he couldn't afford a health insurance and last season he was remember taking out the guys to show off those $5,000 lunches yeah he's uh he's definitely kind of like uh what's the expression like he basically like a shower but he's clearly like a phony because he doesn't have that money a fraud yeah there you go That's the word.

What's your impression of Jesse, Annabelle? He hasn't shown himself that much this season. You haven't seen what he was up to the first two seasons. Yeah, I've only seen very little, which I guess also, I guess I've seen his bank account, because I haven't seen much of him at all. And the stuff I have seen has kind of, has been with, like, his girl, Lacey. Is it Lacey? Lacey.

Lacey. Who seems very, I mean, granted, I do feel like she looks like I'm, know, like I'm like, she looks like white chicks. Like, who just like the air conditioning like turned off, you know, like the lost electricity and it started melting. And so it's like I feel like her, I do feel like she's gorgeous. I just feel like everything is like semi going down. Like just like it's like just melting a little bit. And so I feel bad with the episode before. She's like, I think it's disgusting when other women comment on each other's looks. You granted, she's still a billion times better than

I am. But it's still like, I. Actually, I thought she was incredibly grounded, even though she talked about her like doomsday mansion bunker. But it's just like, I, yeah, I could not believe when she said that he can't afford the 200. And I'm like, didn't you go to like between the theme park and the safari park, that's over $200 easily. You, like, you shouldn't be there. He last season, for the last two seasons, he has been like, he shits on everyone who lives in the valley because he's like, oh, God, yucky pores. I don't. Then we find out he's renting his house. He like him and Michelle when they were married, their thing was that they would just like go to Chateau Marmont for every meal.

Like he was this unbelievably pretentious in terms of a fiscal standpoint to a degree that everybody was like, okay, buddy, like you have the most money. We get it. You're rich. We're poor. We're yuckies. And you now can't afford health insurance. It's just like, wow. Wow. Oh, the mighty have fallen. Yeah. I'd sell my balls before. I'd let my kids go without health insurance. I met my body. I met my body. All right.

Yeah, he's a clown. I agree with Lala. All right, Kristen's house. Zach stops by and they discuss their hesitation over discussing Danny Darkside. See, he's just driving the narrative this season because Kristen believes it's just his personality, not the booze.

He's just an unlikable, obnoxious person in general, which could be true as well. and then Nia arrives with Adelaide and she did not, she didn't want her mom's boobs sobbing. Sorry, that was Adela. And then Kristen mentions that she spoke to Lala and. You're like, well, Adelaide, you're an idiot. Can you just I want your mom's poop?

Like you're, this baby's dumb. Because like who, look at your mom. She's so hot. Nea, she is developmental issues, Nia. You should get that looked at, Nia. Nia gets pretty defensive about Danny right out, right out of the gate and says it's overblown. and then Kristen asked if Danny knows he acts like a douchebag when he's drunk. And Nia then gets defensive and frames it as he was only drunk one time.

Now, I've watched the show for three seasons. He's been drunk, blackout drunk wasted multiple times. And it's an issue. As we've said before, the issue is not that you are drinking or that you even honestly get blacked out. If you were just a fun drunk, nobody would say anything. You're a weird, aggressive, like, kind of creepy drunk. So that's why the pattern is actually kind of concerning, Danny. And now it's on camera. So I agree. I wish we had more storylines at the same time. You should, you're drunk and we know it. And it's really weird. And it's kind of sad that your wife has to

like, with her newborn baby come over and like pick her up when she's getting fussy and start to defend you. That was hard to watch. Very. Is it true when I, like, look, because like I said, I've only seen this, like, see that. But when I, like, looked on, like, he's been kicked out of Jackson's bar before. Like, he's been. Yeah. He. That's a problem.

Like, that's like I was, like, being kicked out of Andy Dix's house. Like, that's, if you're kicked out of Jack's bar, like, that's. Annabel, he, when he was drunk, he said to, I believe, Melissa, to Jasmine's, wife or fiance at this point, like he slapped her ass and said, go get daddy a drink. So sit with that. Oh, God. Amen. And he's just allowed to like walk amongst us.

Like it's, uh. Danny Darkside. All right. Well, let's jump over to that dirt and pile that we call Santa Clarita. Uh, Danny and Nia's house. Um, okay. So, uh, Danny is confused, uh, upon hearing that, everyone's talking shit about him

and he feels like he's got a target on his back and he's right about that and they both agree he's not a drunk and he says hey look I have a wellness coach and a therapist when he said that I assume the wellness coach is a sponsor I was going to say pastor or something

yeah okay well sponsor I I think he's worked the program didn't he go to rehab at some point oh wow I don't think he's officially in any capacity, Pat, that would shock me, but I'm sure he's gone to, like, rehab-adjacent programs. Huh. Well, I have some advice for this little guy. If you really want to piss off your cast members, and again, you have to be a real drunk not to be able to do this. Stop drinking for three months

while filming. Right? It's not that hard. He can't do that. Well, you watched him. He was like, I mean, if I have to stop drinking in front of these people and he is like, well, I have to, I have to figure out like how I feel about it first. So let's not like, don't be crazy or anything. He, he keeps talking about this target and he's like, it didn't work last year. And I actually, Danny would argue that it did because now we know that you're a fucking drunk who takes swigs of handles in the closet with Janet and also takes beers from the fridge. And when you're caught on camera in your pageant outfit, your face drops because you're so guilty. It's, it's truly wild. Wow.

I get so upset about a, like, a friendly competition of just you guys, like, in a rented, like, vacation home, you guys, like, on a trip doing, like, a drag show between, like, you guys, like, a drag competition. And him taking it so seriously. Like, that guy's, you know, like, $300,000 fucking COVID loan depend on it, like, depended on it. Like, I have to win this. Like, and for him to go. He was like John McEnroe. He went crazy.

Like he's like, I didn't went. I've seen him. When these kids get old enough to be in like any type of little league or anything, like, it's going to be scary. Yep. Yeah. He's one of those people. I think he can't be California sober. I think he's got to probably just go completely.

No, no booze, no weed, no nothing. No people around you. No kids. Just no. Honestly, hike on Runyon when you've been drinking. You know, close your eyes, try to do like a, you know, walk in a straight line. And, you know, if your faith is strong enough, you know, you'll get down to the bottom safely. Okay, so we head over to the doctor.

And this is Jason and Janet. And he tells the doctor he's struggling mentally. And Jason tells us from what he's read, it might take up to. to 10 months for him to recover. And Janet might need to take care of him. And so Jason ponderes how he'll be able to bond with his son after this. And this is when I was thinking of this about Jason. Kaylin's playing a cue here.

Pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy. Oh, can you guys hear that? Pussy, pussy, pussy. Big fans of Vigia Zalia? Oh, you can not. Oh, I can not hear anything. I'm so sorry. Yeah.

I can hear. But where are you taking us? Oh, well, he's a gigantic pussy. People that have had their legs bitten off by alligators need less recovery time, is my point. If there was a zombie apocalypse and I was standing next to Jason, I would pick him up and throw him at the zombies so they would be busy. while other people that deserve to live to then live on because his DNA should not exist further because it's only going to make humans worse. I don't disagree with you.

I think him taking that ambulance is the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to him. I think when the doctor said the muscle, and again, I know that I was 16 and 17 years old, but I've had this surgery twice. When she said the muscle is going to atrophy, Jason, obviously, you're getting knee surgery. Your quads aren't going to look fucking huge and sick until you do rehab. And then you'll be fine. He starts his eyes well up with tears.

And Janet has to put her hand on his shoulder so as to say, my dear husband, your quads will come back. It will be okay. Don't play pickup sports. This was embarrassing. I would not have let them film this if I were. him. I'm not kidding. But do you think that now this surgery for him

and Brittany surgery are free because they film them? No. No. Sad. I would, I said this last episode. For his sake, he should have all this, all this

footage deleted so that his children don't see it. Yep. For their sake. It's the ambulance alone and then this, we can't have both of these scenes just all i just available also why did he ask for the hot paramedics number that was never that never went oh we will talk about it because no one knows like when he was making such a big deal over and i'm like are you getting it done over like in iraq with like a rusty spoon and having to

crawl your way back to like the valley why is he's like basically i don't even know if my son will recognize me how late ever spent time with my like like What are you talking about? It's not like you're like training. Like you guys like train for track every day for his high school. You guys like go running every day. He's like two. Later on when the guy show up at his house,

the first thing that he says when they walk and he's just laying on the couch, he goes, it feels it feels worse than it looks. Usually that's swapped around. Right? He's, he is Iggy Azalea. I'm so sorry, Pat,

that I, that I didn't get the joke. but he is a massive pussy. Thank you. All right. Let's go to Brits House and eat and indulge in one of the most disgusting things that I would never want to do, which is a crab boil. It's dead sea bugs on newspaper, and it's completely filled with acid. You have to crush the bones yourself.

Thoughts, Annabelle? Well, at least, like, newspapers, they're like, well, we're still being used for something. We're still being used for crab boils into line bird cages. Like, like print news, we're still alive as long as these disgusting boils keep happening. What a choice for a pre-surgery night dinner? Like, you're doing it. Like, it's like the first night of Mardi Gras. Like, I, like, aren't you not allowed?

I had my surgery. Like, I had, like, my only surgery I've ever had are, like, my, like, boobs. And that was, like, 20 years ago. Jacks did not pay for them. He said he was going to. Of course. But it's, like, my boyfriend, he had spinal fusion surgery, like a few, like, like, two months ago.

Just, I know, to give you an idea, we got him home from the hospital on Sunday. He insisted on going to, like, a city, like a jam. band, which I'm like, we should never go to this ever, even pre or post surgery. But it's like, we brought him on Sunday from spinal fusion surgery. I'm like, you're not allowed to shower yourself for three weeks. But like, by Thursday, he was like, we're going to this like jam band. And he was outwalk, like, out going there. And I'm like, so when I was like, I mean, it just.

Oh, my knee. How am I going to do it? You think he'd be able to bond with his son after that spinal surgery? I was thinking of Sam Like I was like oh god Oh good Plus what are you fucking Pusswad

But it's just like You could see Janet too in that moment Being like are you fucking serious Oh Oh god Oh you are oh it'll be okay It'll be okay It'll be fine we'll figure it out

So I'm sorry I know I brought us back to No no that's no I could talk about him for hours But it's just like Yeah Brittany is like like Britney's like crab fest like it was like going it was like seeing like a valley version of like red lobster like lobster fest is that it's just like seeing them eat so much and I'm like you're going to surgery tomorrow like that's a that's a lot to my immediate thoughts were first of all I didn't

think you could eat before surgeries but after we have passed that I was like you're getting like stuff done to your stomach. You're going, the first time that you have to shit, it's not going to be, it's not like you had a salad or like a grilled chicken bowl. You had like oil soaked seafood and corn and then you got surgery. Okay. It's just, it's like seeing this group of people hanging around, you would think, like if there's if there's going to be crabs involved in this group. they're going to be talking about, oh, like, are you finally over your crabs?

Jacks. It's not going to be them, like, eating it. Like, teaching each other, like, how to do it. I was just like, oh, this is. My wife and I, the night before we were going to go to have, for her to give birth to our first child, we went to the Olive Garden as a goof. And my biggest fear was that on our way home from the Olive Garden, we die in a car crash. And in the obituary, it would say young couple, a night before giving birth, died tragically

from returning from a night out at the Olive Garden. And forever, I'd be attached with my last meal at the Olive Garden. I'm happy you made it through that, Pat. I am too. Okay. So at the dinner here, I guess Britt does that toast. And she says, thank God my coaked up X isn't here because he used to compare me to a tree trunk.

Yeah. And then after dinner, Nia discovers that Jasmine drank all the Opus 1. Now, I was wondering why they spent time on that edit that pointing out that Jasmine had drank all the wine. Who gives us shit, right? But that factors in later when we all sit outside. So, uh, Opus won like a secret sponsor because like it was just, it was like a secret like, like,

it was like one of those like code words or whatever on watch what crap and lives when they were like, all right, here's like the secret word. like every time it's like they said it so many times I'm like is this like did this wine like paid to be like talked about this much because like isn't it normally just like bubble like barefoot or whatever I that was like the cheap wine like like like like Walgreens that they sell are the ones that come in boxes like they made such a big deal about this wine and they talked about it on watch what happens no but just like how like watch it happens like they have like that drinking word where anytime like oh sure like has a word of the night and it's like anytime.

somebody says it. I was just like, they just kept saying over and over again. They did. Is this a, Pat, is this like a wine that's like a, like a Dom Perriano champagne? It's like a famously nice wine. Yeah. It's a hundred, like Nia said, it's a hundred dollar bottle wine. But it's, it's not anything that I think people would seek out.

But she made a big deal out of it specifically to really zero in on the fact that Jasmine is fucking wasted when she's sitting out there. But I was confused at that scene. But I knew it would factor in later, which it. obviously does. So Zach chats with Lala and gives her the basic 4-1-1 on the conversation with Nia. Nia and Kristen, and then I call her Juiced Up Jasmine, join the conversation. And Nia says, and I thought it was pretty balls to the wall. She said, so I heard you guys were talking about me. And Lala gives her, basically, she says, yeah, your husband's a fucking drunk. And then she frames

it like, hey, I'm just looking out for you, like girl to girl, you know? And then Nia responds by saying, yeah, we're good. We communicate well. We have a good. communication. So thanks. And this is when Jasmine jumps in and says, hey, I want to add some thoughts. And Krista says, shut the fuck up or whatever. And then this irritates a now very intoxicated Jasmine, who proceeds to, I think, act like Danny Darkside a little bit. And irritate everybody. And by the way, coincidentally, this was at the height of Bachelor. We all know that Jasmine was on Nick Vile season. And she, I think she threatened to choke Nick Vile or choke him like multiple times.

Do you remember that? In like a, in like a sexy way or like a? Yeah, yeah. You want to be choked? You want to be choked? No, no. I. You're sure?

Yeah, no. Come on, you want to be choked? I wish you did choke that. Fucking pretentious douchebag. Gentle. Anyway, yeah. The Kristen saying to Jasmine jokingly, she was like, she's drunk. She doesn't know what she's talking about.

Was the equivalent of when any woman is like slightly annoyed about something. And any person, it could be a passerby says calm down. It was like, oh, you just poured gasoline on it, didn't you? And she was like, and I'm off. I was like, this will do nothing other than exactly what. it did. She spiraled alone, basically. It was like, Jasm was speaking to Zach. No one was involved in this conversation. And Lala was just kind of like, uh-huh, okay, uh-huh. Kristen had no idea what was going on. And then Nia was like, she just puts it to bed. She won't, I kind of have to give it to Nia.

She comes in with a child and a babysitter, says, go upstairs, close the door. I have a job to do. She says, you're talking about me. My husband is not a drunk. The moment of the episode for me was Lala's ITM when she says he's a church-going family man who has a little bit of liquor and then is a different person. And I don't know if she knows about this and is protecting him or if she doesn't want to know. That to me was very, I was like, wow, I never saw him in that context. And it's, it's very scary. Totally agree with everything you just said. I want to point out that Danny and Nia don't seek out storylines. And this might be a problem with the Valley in the cast.

Jasmine seeks out storylines. She is so desperate to maintain her stature on this show that she'll insert herself in any conversation. And it's kind of inorganic. And that's why I feel like she's not a good fit for this show. And like Danny and Nia, if you say what you will about him being a filthy little dirty drunk, but they don't try. They just are on the show and it's just kind of natural.

Lala, this is her first season, Annabel. It feels like she's still trying to find where she fits in, you know? And so she'll like bump heads a little bit to just see where she fits in. But sometimes it feels like it's a little, um, little, little forced. I mean, she's trying to give, she's trying to give us Lala. Remember, I'm not sure of her, like, if her Twitter is still, like, it used to be like, give them Lala. I'm not sure if like that's still like her whole thing or like, I think Lala Beauty shut down after like her and Randall.

Me and Lala actually used to live in the same apartment complex. This was when she was with Randall. And somehow like somebody like message on Instagram because like I used to like have a blog I would like write about them. So somebody like commented in her like Instagram pictures, which I was like, oh great. And they like tagged her. And so she she's like, thanks for giving me this girl information. like wrote back to the commenter and then sent me a DM and she's like thanks for reporting my dog to the to like the landlord she thought I reported her dog to like our apartment complex like manager and I was like

what never what a weird like tactic like what a weird way to like hey here's me talking shit about you who I've never meant I'm going to report your dog like that's a weird number I wish I was that clever I wish I had thought of that But I was just like, no, I'm really sorry. That's not me. I do write about you, but I'm not about your dog. And she's like, okay, sorry, I got the run person. I was going to say, Lala is the same as Lindsay Hubbard that like she could be, I think Paige DeSorbo said this about Lindsay once and it's the same with Lala.

She could be 1,000% wrong. And she's like, Annabelle is a blonde. I know that she's a blonde. I'm staring out of an old photo of her. it's from 2017 and then Pat would be like she's categorically brunette here is her today and you'd be like oh well I was wrong guess it was an old photo my bad and then just moved on and it's like oh oh you're just impervious to any judgment I guess and like honestly props to you guys because I couldn't couldn't be me I feel so bad I don't mean to sound like Amanda on real house ice with Beverly Hills but this is just that Lindsay Hubbard and I went to the same

high school and she was a year older than me and my only her with her in Southburg High School was for shushing me in the library because she was part of like I don't know like the senior committee and I was like in there and I mean and she was like we're trying to take minutes and I'm like what what and so she's like can you keep it down and so that was like my only interaction with her and then when I saw her bravo I was like oh my god guys not to brag but that girl shushed me also like she has it's good to know some things never change. Thank you for that anecdote. Wow.

See how we're connected to the whole Bravo universe. Isn't amazing? Connected in a circle that never ends. So nothing really comes out of this conversation except Janet kind of feels I think she feels like she wasn't seen. Jasmine, not Janet.

She feels like last year nobody gave a shit when Danny triggered her and now that Lala is saying she's triggered everyone's paying attention. to it. Right. So she didn't receive the same support. All right, we go to the boob, Dr. Boob's office. Britt goes under the knife who gives a shit. Let's head over

to the Bar General Admission. The only thing I have to say about this is this establishment and I describe its weight staff's attire as yoga prostitute. Patrick, I have one thing written here

and it says, is this Hooters if they were in all black. What is this place? Have you been here? What the fuck is this place? So my wife and I's favorite restaurant Mercado is right next to it. We have never gone to this place. It's right when Ventura turns into Coanga West going to Hollywood. But it's been around forever. So it's survived. But I've never seen a person in there when I've driven by it. So maybe it's a mob front or something. I don't know. But Jasmine brings a gift for Kai. And this is where Jasmine tells Kristen basically like, Hey, you didn't have my back.

You didn't support me. Blah, blah, blah. Any thoughts? Nope, none. I was, you know what? Actually, I have one thing to say. Kristen's ability to say, thanks for bringing it up. My bad was actually, that was, I appreciated that from her.

She's grown as a person. Hey, by the way, Annabel, did you ever go to her place when she bought a house in Studio City? No, I only knew her and was like in, in L. when she had her apartment in West Hollywood, where her and, uh, the jane's been on the door. Gotcha.

Like, yes, exactly. Yes. Gotcha. But then I'm like, I had to like Howie Mandel that door like five times before I would like go into it. Because I'm just like,

I can't. Uh, did you guys watch the trailer for the rest of the season of the valley at the end, by the way? I did. Yeah. So we get the wedding, which is discussed here between Jasmine and Melissa.

And then we also. see Nia step in front of Danny to block Lala. That is going to be quite the, quite the little battle there. I'm kind of excited for that, even though this is really not a good show. It will be a little battle. A little battle.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, there, there you go. So the hospital, Britt wakes up from the procedure. Zach and Christian, bring her home. Now, this is when they get to Brits' house, Kristen, I don't know if this was just a dig, or just an unintended massive insult. Kristen says she wishes she had hired a bunch of guys on TaskRabbit to carry Britney up the stairs.

Feel free to keep that in your head, right? Yeah. You didn't need a bunch of guys, right? One, maybe. Because also, like, Kristen jokingly from behind was like, oh, like, I'll get the last bag that's in the trunk. And she was like, good job, Brit, you got it. When Brittany said, I think my knees are going to buckle, I was like, if this woman falls right now, all his work is, they're back to square one. And she's going to be in like a, her life will be in danger.

It was, I was, that was a precarious moment. It was like the end of lone survivor. Janet's house, the gang visit. Can you cue that Iggyzalia thing up again? We head back over to, and feel free to just hit it, whatever. Janet's house again The gang, I guess, come over there Because they want to visit

What's His Face? This guy. Jason, just to check on him. And then Swartz, he comes in with a Mariachi band and I don't know, somehow they know this song. Pussy. Pussy.

Pussy. Pussy. Pussy. Pussy. Pussy. Pussy. Pussy. Pussy.

Pussy. Where is Iggy Azale? these days. I'm not sure, but I hope she's doing well. Yeah, that's a great song. Anyway. Sorry, when have you ever, I'm so sorry, but when they're like, oh, I have a surprise for you, when have you ever even perfectly healthy and able body, which, like, the

Pusswad really should be anyway? But it's like, even when you're, like, healthy or recovering from surgery, when have you ever thought, oh, thank God, it's a Marriott? band. Canneville? This is going to make me feel so much better. Yes. Thank you. Inside your house and a trumpet is playing immediately. First of all, there's a, like, they're pets, their children somewhere.

These poor mariachi men were like, well, is someone going to shoot us? Is that the gig we signed for? Because I hope it's this. We're not just playing for these guys, right? Oh, my God. This was awful. Also, I hate that Swartz gets to hammer a check for this season, sleepwalking through this. He's like, hey, oh, man, I'm the nice guy, right? Yeah. Oh, I know what I'll do.

I'll hire a mariachi band, man. Yeah, I don't like that because I'm nice swords. I'm not a guy who dumps drinks over girlfriend's heads, right? I'm not angry anymore. I'm nice. Yeah, no, but. You do a really good. You do a really good. Thanks, thanks. Yeah, yeah. He is the luckiest, he is one of the luckiest people in the entire world. Like, he got his entire career, because didn't they, like, him and Tom Sandoval, like, they found each other as, like, roommates on, like, Craigslist. Yeah. And he got an entire career for, like, I mean, I think he's the person who's made out the best from Craigslist ever, ever.

Like, I mean, because it's just like, Tom Schwartz, who granted, anytime I was around him, he was perfectly nice, but that's what you, when have you ever been around, like, a golden retriever, like who, when you've ever said, oh, what an asshole. Like, this dog's awful. Like, he just, the only times I would see him, if we're, he would be on, where they call like hovercrafts or whatever. And he would just go for, he wouldn't walk. He would just take the, be in a hovercroft around the apartment.

He is, and I was not, I've never been a big Katie Maloney fan. But his demeanor is, and it is the way. worst type of person and it's like oh that's just Schwartz and it's like is it just Schwartz to repeatedly cheat on your fucking wife and like verbally abuse her in front of all of your friends and family and actually not give a shit about the person that you married or that you've been dating for 12 years because it's like that's so she cut her hair she cut her hair she cut her hair you're right yeah what was I going to do I'm Swartz I'm a nice guy you have to pour a drink and then get a plant okay yeah

Yeah, and I got to get an apartment across the street from Weenersnitzel because I like hot dogs. Hey. All right, let's go to Marlowe coffee. This is where Michelle and Jesse, I guess, meet to talk about the divorce. Jesse apologized for being a dick in San Diego, but Michelle doesn't give a shit. She's here to discuss the future. And that future involves not being married to this douchebag anymore. She presents him with papers, and she says, you know what?

We don't need to discuss the money anymore because I'll eat 100. $150,000 to get away from you. What would it take, Pat? Like the, I can't imagine how bad something and someone has to be that I would be in a position with a child to ever say, give me $150,000 worth of debt just so I can walk away. Give it to me. Pretty crazy. Pretty crazy. I know.

And you're not even getting away from him. You're on a television show with him. You're going to have to go to multiple vacations and trips and parties as long as this show lasts. I think a part of it is, I will say this before we wrap up, that she is selling, we heard she sold a $12 million house like two episodes ago. I think she's doing business right now. She's like, I need to separate from this guy so that all the funds coming in are mine and it's not going to his stupid jacks's bar, Lolly Estates hat that Jesse was wearing

during the scene. Get it off your head. I can't stand this guy and pay for the health insurance for your child. And that's it. Do you think she had to pay for his coffee? Like, do you think he was like, it was like one of those like kind of like, oh, the person behind me said they pay for it. Like, and it's like

her. And so it's like when she's like, sign the papers. And I was like, can he afford a pen? Like, I don't know if he can go to Kinko's and get like, you know, copies of these divorce papers. And then he was like, I really thought he's going to be like, well, I don't have it. I don't have a pen. We're not going to be able to do this today.

Like, we're just, we can't. It's the only way I can keep getting free coffee and getting things too. It's tricky for to meet me. He didn't. He was like, I'll look at these when I get back to my, I'll sign. I'll let you know what I think when I look at them when I get back and I leave here. Wow, this was fun. This was fun, Pat.

Annabel, you're a delight. This reminded me how much I miss podcasting with you in, uh, listening to you break cast members on the Bravo TV Network's balls. This was like the best time. Like, I know you're going to be like, oh, that just makes me sad for you. Like, this has been one of like the most fun, like happiest times. I like had this year. Thank you so much for like letting me be a part of this.

You guys are hilarious and so funny and smart. And it's like I so miss the soup. Like I feel like this when the soup was on E that was like when the world was good. And then after that went off the air, it's just, it was downhill from there. But it's like getting to listen to you guys. It's like a Joel McHale, like soup, MST3K type thing. And you guys were just so funny and quick. And I just was really, really honored to be able to do this with you guys.

So thank you. We loved it. Well, we'll have you back, Annabel. There's still a lot of, we talked before you got on the podcast. You watch Below Deck and you're also watching the Housewives? Yeah. Awesome. Do you have anything to promote?

Um, no, just, um, your guys is a Patreon when she said is $5. I mean, even Jesse can afford that. Even just like it's an affordable. It's for, I mean, the bang for your buck. It's for, but Jesse can do it. Everybody else can do it. Awesome. You guys were great.

Yeah, that and recycling. That's what I promote it. Okay. Love it. Uh, thank you for listening. Uh, find us wherever you, uh, listen to podcast, bad TV. Uh, bye, Ruby. Bye, Pat.

Bye, Annabel. Bye, Annabel. Bye, bye, Kay. Thank you.