Another Below Deck Podcast - Janet Flees to Europe | The Valley S2 E13

Episode Date: July 10, 2025

Ruby, Pat and Dylan are back to break down hula hoopers, Jaws, Susan running after her father, Janet fleeing and more.Patreon.com/AnotherPodcastNetworkhttps://www.youtube.com/@anotherbelowdeckpodcast_VIIA.com use promo code BADTV

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IKEA has hundreds of new summer products to let summer in. Fabulous. Visit IKEA online or in store. IKEA, the wonderful everyday. I think Osama Bin Laden was a bad guy. Not that much worse than Zack. Right. Oh, oh, I thought that you were going to say not as bad as this though. And I was going to say, well, yeah, maybe, yeah. No, no, no. I think they're closer than people realize. Right.

Yeah. Yeah. Welcome to Paradise, Paradise. Kidding, we are not watching that show. This is bad TV. We're covering the valley. Can you imagine if we were watching that show? Oh my God, I watched the first 15 minutes.

I was out. Oh, did you really? Oh, yeah. Oh, you made it 15. Yeah, because I was going to I was trying to see how they were going to introduce the old fogies, but I didn't even get to that. Was it creepy? It was different production, definitely from

the past because they haven't really changed it. Can I tell you ADHD, right? So you said 15, you made it 15. I was about to say you made it sweet 15. Reminded me of the hit show on MTV, sweet 16. Oh, yes. Should I be triggered by Tiana Taylor doing a jump rope in Harlem with actual poor people and getting credit for it because she was on that show and she had like a $60,000 birthday party so I'm like what's going on there like not to say she can't experience the culture but it's like well that's she had a six should I be triggered by that I don't I was triggered by the nice young Eastern Indian teenager whose father rented a helicopter and dropped Flowers and candy on the party. I think uh-huh

Yeah, yeah Extreme shows of wealth are gross. There's this guy on YouTube shorts I blocked him, but he was just going around shopping at her mace and stuff and he was like He was vlogging it as though he was like showing people what the best things at Target are and it's like do you understand that people are like a paycheck away from death yeah how about those assholes that shit get high-end champagne and like just bottle pop it on girls asses okay we're here to talk about the valley it's bad TV I'm dill that's Pat that's Ruby here hi you guys and rubes what are you doing over at gangsofnyork.substack.com?

What are you guys reporting on over there? We are goofing, we're gabbing, we're talking about the latest nail shape trends, we're talking about the latest gun you can get because Gangs of New York are dynamic, okay? Got it, so we're here to talk about the Valley. It is, I don't know how many episodes this show can do anymore of. I know. I know. I, you know, I was going to say my little experience with the San Fernando Valley was pretty interesting

this week. I picked up my daughter Elliot at cheerleading practice. One of her favorite movies is Bring It On. We've watched them all 18 times. There's like 10 of them Anyway, I find myself watching her cheerleading performance with the other kids that went to camp that week And I noticed someone in front of me. His name is Dwayne Wade. He's married to a woman called Gabriel Union Yeah, yeah, Gabriel Union was in I'd say the most iconic cheerleading movie ever or it's hot in here There must be some clovers or birds cold in here. There must be some clovers in the atmosphere or hot or cold. I can't remember what it's. It's probably cold because they say burr.

But yeah, she's big. Oh, big time. But she didn't bother make the cheerleading tribute. So I just had to stare at the back of her husband's head. Who happens to be friends with the tipsy and boy band who were sitting right next to them? Well, Dwyane Wade, one of the greatest ever do it. Gabrielle Union, one of the greatest ever do it. The Valley. What a lovely place. Let's talk about it.

We are not here really this episode. We are in Hawaii and I'm going to get into my rotten hells real quick. You know, I don't think that we needed hostile and I don't think we needed hostile too. Disagree. Too many, uh, too much gore porn, right? So at 45 minutes and you see somebody's like Achilles get like cut in half. You're like, okay, I got it.

That's where I'm at with Zach and Janet. It's like, okay, I've, listen, I've despised felt bile and vitriol for some time. We don't need to add another layer to this cake. So sorry, and I think I heard Ruby disagree with your thoughts on this. She's a sick puppy. There's, OK, as cast members of reality TV show, it is your job to, in fact, create drama.

There are a couple of cast members on here that are trying way too hard. And we're kind of stuck in very stupid storylines. For example, the Jason not wearing his wedding ring that was brought up once again despite it being resolved several times already. Yeah. And then we've upgraded Danny's drunken behavior being a pig to now sexual assaulting someone. I think that Zach is one of the most pathetic men and people I've ever seen. And don't do this thing where it's like, oh, it's like homophobic to, it's not, because you're gay does not mean you act like Zach. No, you're a jackass.

Zach does not act like a woman. He does not act like a gay man. He's just awful. There's just a universal awful. He's just awful. There's the just a Universal awful I've hated him for some time now Dylan I think Ruby's chomping at the bit to spit in both our faces zero rotten hell Ruby thought it was a great episode No, no, I Agree that Zack is awful. What I also think is we we would be at the bottom of What I also think is we would be at the bottom of the ocean,

were it not for him, these last now two episodes, because I hated this. My notes, when I look at them, they're normal, and then about a third of a page, everything is bolded, underlined, all caps. And that's just because I hated it so much. The last note says, this filled me with such rage, I was forced to drink. Yeah. Oh wow.

And Ruby's not a big drinker. No, no, no. No, and I am becoming an alcoholic because of this show. So thank you to this show. I thought this episode was, also Kristen was like manically drunk at the end. And like, like whirling devilish, like whoa crazy.

Yeah, she turned into a Sufi for a brief moment. A mean, mean, drunk Sufi. She was pretty drunk at her engagement party as well, but you know, she should have been. Listen, let's see. Right, she looked like the Bega from Crash Bandicoot. Oh yeah. Bumps. Go ahead. I'm still, you gave it zero. I still like this show and I'm holding out hope. I think it's a fun show, but it is starting to get a little toxicity very much so look here's Danny

Darkside Danny, I don't think he fucking knew what he signed up for I'd be very concerned about my future employment. I've been now painted as a blackout drunk and a sexual assaulter Yeah, Pat said this last week and I was like Oh, I hadn't thought about that You know Danny is Going up for you know Jake long American dragon reboots and I you know, they probably don't want dark side Danny for that No, yeah his agent has to tell him look they really wanted you to be Squeaky the Giraffe.

But it's just not going to work out. And Danny will know that it was because of this show that he can't play Squeaky the Giraffe. Well, and I'll tell you what. I mean, the hypocrisy of child film and television. I mean, how many freaking pitas you got walking around there? How many drunks? How many freaking?

I mean, listen, this town is sick. Zero rotten house. Very intense coming up on the valley wherein Janet is a mean, cruel witch and everyone hates her and is agitated. We get quite the teaser at the top of this episode. And I was pissed off about it because my favorite thing about this show, bar none, is I'm all right.

I mean, without that, do we have the valley? You know what I'm gonna agree with you a hundred percent. The first five minutes of this show was all off. It's so crazy. We start with that little teaser of what's to come and then we hit the celebration of the future Brodericks and just getting started and they have this nice food spread and then they have that hula dancer that looks like she's had a rough life. Um, I want to say this, uh, you're not, you're referring to Lucy. Was that Lucy the hula dancer? Okay. Let me give a,

and again, just objectively speaking, uh, you know, often is the case when Patty's speaking, when Patty's speaking, Patty's in Patty's world, okay? But I think the Wren twins who aren't twins, but we can say objectively, there's nothing sad, nothing odd, nothing really anything remarkable or unremarkable about Lucy. Hold on, agree or disagree?

Hula dancers are supposed to make you happy, not sad, right? Mm-hmm. That's what emotions a hula dancer's supposed to give. I don't. Patrick, I think they're supposed to maybe tell a story. That's a good question. You tell us, are hula dancers supposed to make you happy? Yeah.

Yeah, get in the comments. Yeah. Get in the comments. Yeah, you tell us you tell us. She made me feel sad. By the way, where the fuck's beekeeper he shows up late for this party. I was like, All right, so the food the food spread is beautiful, including the bug fans, skinny margaritas with salt are flowing. There are four people here at this point. What we start hopping all over the place,

we talk about Big Bear for some reason, Zach starts crying again, cause he is a, I mean, weasel. Weasel, bitch face weasel this guy. I mean, my God, the fact that he, okay. We talk about Michelle's engagement, Jesse says, don't talk about that. And then we talk about how Nia and Danny aren't there.

And Jasmine is really pissed off, thinks they're the star of the show. Hey, Jasmine, they're more the stars of the show than you. Actually, please leave. I'm tired of seeing you on TV. Okay, I was trying to understand this reasoning because Jasmine's really upset that the little drunk guy was passed out in a closet somewhere. And then Brittany announces that she's going to leave, too. So it was quite the leap of reasoning here.

If the little drunk in Miss America don't have to be here to film, why do we have to be here? Is that what they were saying? I'm not sure, Ruby. What could you glean from the mutiny of brewing? Summer fashion announcement. Stripes are in, darling. Oh, and also florals.

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Visit IKEA online or in store. IKEA, the wonderful everyday. I gleaned nothing. I think that this is weird to care about. Like this is like one of those like strange inner, like id, ego, I don't know the difference or what's what. Yeah. It's just so strange to me that they're concerned about this. What gave me hives was Danny and Nia walking in and I replayed it a few times and then

just said I couldn't figure this out. They entered during the performance. So you can't do that actually. And you should have known better, and I hated that they did that. Did you catch the shot of Danny in the background, and then the editing shows them arrive? Yes, I did, I did.

All right, so there are certain tells in production, and that one was, we don't give a fuck anymore. Sure, sure, yeah. That's a gross oversight, born of apathy and negligence. Now, I would say, you know, last week we refer to Brittany as a squished dumbass and her tits are stupid. But we also say she's a sweet mom, really just to soften the fact that we said all those awful things about her.

Right. But it was garbage tits as garbage tits as want to do. Oh yes. Comes in off the top rope with an amazing point that Britney is actually a succubus like the rest of these people are. Yes. She's a secret succubus. Britney is understandably upset for not being involved because Zack is nothing if not a

catty bitch trying to hamstring all of the people around him at all times, just in case. To what end? Not really sure. Just kind of like that. But Brittany is like, oh, Kristen's up. Oh, Kristen's the most amazing thing in the world. I love Kristen. And then in the same breath, she's like, I'm going to get the fuck out of here if she's here. in the same breath, she's like, I'm gonna get the fuck out of here if she's here. Okay, so Britt, if you really love Kristen and this is such a huge moment, stick around. Have a can-do attitude about her getting engaged.

My God. You know, when Garbage Tits signs off on something, for me, it's kinda like after 9-11, when I think it was Lorne Michaels, asked Rudy Giuliani if it's kind of like after 9-eleven when I think it was Lauren Michaels asked Rudy Giuliani if it's okay to start laughing again and he said yeah actually he said why start now but when garbage tit says Brittany's a loser now I feel okay to say oh my gosh garbage tits conviction is like it fucking it gets past the rib cage and it lays in the heart. Go ahead ribs.

Yeah, GTC garbage tits conviction. That's what I'm gonna call it. GTC is rare, but when it hits it hits and I myself am rewatching the season of Vanderpump Rules where Brittany arrives for comfort. Yeah. And so so what it makes you realize is, is that garbage tits is right. Yeah. And that this person and her stupid, stupid big tits, like Jack's Taylor, I kid you not. These men are in... Do you want to know what Lisa Vanderpump says to Katie and Schwartz during their wedding when she is officiating it and if you make any fucking joke like this Dylan I will never talk to you again yeah sure go

ahead after being married for 34 years do you know what I would tell the two of you run you should yeah you look like you're doing all right there, Lisa. You got some little ponies as prisoners in your house. Did you hear about Sandy? It's the fan. Did you ever hear about Sandy in the hot tub? Now, meanwhile, the beekeeper fucking finally gets there. And for whatever reason, Luke confides in him. He says if Kristen had said no to him on that boat. He was gonna call jaws to eat him

Yeah, first off Jackass great whites they would never swim in Hawaiian waters because they're too they're too warm and secondly Sharks don't own phones because they don't have hands I was hoping that you would bring up the fact that there's literally no way to contact them period. Um, and also like definitely not with a phone. How would that work? How like he's a real dummy. He's a real guy. How did it answer your call? How did it answer?

This was the first time that I thought to myself and wrote, you guys may be right, he might be a little weird. Yeah, he's a little weird. Because honestly, you don't have to have an opposable thumb to pick up a phone, right? You could use both fins and kind of squish them together and answer theoretically, but they don't even know what it is.

How do they hold it? Do they come across it in the ocean? Yeah. It's ringing and they know how to pick it up? Right. And you know, God forbid it's some kind of Motorola slice. What was that thin phone that we had in high school? A razor.

A razor. Now, I want to point out something that happens. No chance they can talk on a razor. No way. I miss my razor. My wife had to claw that out of my dead cold hands. I miss my razor, too. I miss my Blackberry.

I'm going back to just a phone. I swear to God, 2026, I'm throwing the iPhone away. You know, listen, that's why I want to hire you. I just want somebody else to do all of the, you know, just do. I don't want to interact with social media. But we have the fans, though. Yeah, we'll pay for someone to do that. I'm tired. Doty is slurring and she asks everyone to keep it a secret until they're able to share it with their families. Now I do want to say this. I believe Luke's family lives in

Colorado. Yep. And then all Doty's people, I don't know where the fuck our family lives. He proposed to you during the afternoon. Let them know you have a solid four or five hours. OK, there's cameras here in production, people and someone can, you know, make a few dockets for Colin TMZ, whatever, dip them off. This was a four storyline, in my opinion, because he knew one of these little these little I don't know what the hell to call them. What do we call these people? Valley rats. That's right.

So, um, Zach brings up the fact that there's a lot of resentment towards Nia and Danny at the party, but he's not going to say specifically who has the resentment about them, then quickly would backpedal on that and then reveal exactly who had resentment. But before he did that, stuck with the fact that he wasn't gonna reveal the names and that he would like to talk about it later and not get too specific about it tonight. I think Osama Bin Laden was a bad guy. Not that much worse than Zach.

Right. Oh, oh, I thought that you were gonna say, not as bad as this though. And I was gonna say, well, yeah, maybe, yeah. No, no, no, I think they're closer than people realize. Right. Yeah. I mean, put Zach in the life of Osama bin Laden. I can totally see that. Wow.

Okay, I mean, think about what he does. Now he's not as smart as Osama, okay? Zach is a blockhead, literally and figuratively. But, you know, I think that But I live last to there, you know That's a real good point. Right? That's a real good point You know some honor-killing save the world okay, sorry, Brittany raises a glass and little Danny gets very riled up for a moment and

Brittany raises a glass and little Danny gets very riled up for a moment. And Nia says that Danny cannot allow Brittany to claim his piece. This is a mantra that is uttered by more than one person on this episode of The Valley, which is a fault line in The Matrix. It's not okay. And if you say this, you need to stop saying it. People on the show, people in your life don't, and I believe it was Luke. And when it came out of Luke's mouth at some point,

whoa. Whoa. He's a little weird and a little impressionable. We head back to the rooms. Janet's room, evidently. What's going on with the summer camp adjoined? A Jason adjoined room. What is going on? Yeah, Rips.

Okay. So, and I think, Pat, we may have talked about this before. I believe, and think whatever you want, you get to a certain age, or just, I don't know, grow up and say, there's a time in my life when I go on trips, and if I don't have a bed and a space that is for me and my husband or partner, that other people can't come

and put their unwashed feet on. I'm not going anymore. I'm not doing couches and floors and I'm not sharing. None of it is happening because we're not 11. This is a nightmare. Like I want to, I really want to do the forensic files and the cheeseburger with the metal dome by myself, right? Because this is this is a

ritual that you do not stumble across a lot of the time. And I would like to remove the dome and use the little glass bottle of ketchup or the ketchup packets if you're at a motel and watch forensics files just alone, alone. Alone. I love it. I used to get home from the bar at like 2 in the morning and you just put it on Forensic Files and you just throw fucking loads of garbage in your face. Can I tell you what?

We're in the delivery room. My wife is all fentanyled up, right? She might as well be fucking. They call that the baby package. Yeah, she's fucking fennied out, right? We're looking for someone TV forensic files pops on right cuz three o'clock in the morning The episode is about a man who was poisoning his pregnant girlfriend's coffee. Oh No Delivers a stillborn child. I go I think we're gonna change this episode right now

And my wife's a smack down on fentanyl. Why, what's happening? Don't worry about it. Let's just, yeah, let's change the channel. Whoever figured out that antifreeze, like pre 2000, would kill your spouse was a fucking genius. Yep. They should start exhuming bodies

because I bet that killed a million people that just went under the radar. You think? Oh it tastes like syrup. You can put it in anything sweet someone's fucking cereal and it will literally kill you six hours later. Really? Also women, I mean that's the most like I think notorious way because they don't like a mess to clean up and obviously there's strength issues yeah so it's like there I mean I would bet you that if you could exhume bodies and if we could test, I don't know what the half life of antifreeze is.

Yeah, that's a good question. I mean, I hope. Let me rephrase. I hope women were using it for a lot. I do. They were. Definitely. Me too. Me too. I mean, fucking hey Cletus, you want to hit me again?

You're going to get a little sweet treat and your many sweet treats of the day. And it's gonna be a painful death. Yeah. By the way, dying painfully, and then like looking up at a doctor, and he's like, I don't know what it is. You know what I mean? Yeah, that's even more. That's got to be concerning. With those adjoining rooms while everyone's partying just a few feet away from Janet Jason I'm gonna call them the Janet since because technically they're one person since he's our little bitch Yeah, it's so pathetic to watch it right Janet. Yeah. Yeah, uh-huh. They are awful. Yeah All right, let's get to the next morning next morning before we do. Let's talk about an amazing company. Oh my god, Viya I wish Janet took Viya. No one needs Viya more than Janet, okay? Viya is an amazing hemp company that, you know,

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parent friends getting to know new people. I was talking to this guy who works in the industry, the weed industry, or cannabis, whatever, and I mentioned this sponsor, and he said, really? And I said, yeah. And I mentioned this sponsor and he said, really? And I said, yeah. And I opened up the box that they had sent me that was personally curated for me. It said Patrick Hickey on the box. You opened it up. It's beautiful. Beautiful.

And I opened it up and I said, you can have a couple, you know, gummies. And he picked up the jar. I said, it's a couple dude. And he was so happy and disappointed at the same time because he wanted to take the entire jar Don't let people steal your via if you're 21 and over check out the link to via in our description and use the code bad TV To receive 15% off free shipping on orders over $100 And if you're new to via get a free gift of your choice after we purchase after we purchase we that's yeah That's wrong at well we as a podcast, we as fans, you purchase. We're special.

They ask you where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them that we sent you enhance your everyday with Viya. All right, next morning. Next morning. Dodie gets a text from Jax Taylor saying, congratulations and proceeds to flip out a little bit. She calls Brittany and she says, you're doing a good Brittany these days. Did you tell

Jax? Yeah! That's my Brittany and she goes yeah well why the fuck did you tell Jax because he told everybody and she goes goes, oh my God, he did? I can't believe that. And then Brittany starts to do this thing. Brittany had a bruff outing today, where she starts to talk about how she longs for what was once the person she confided in and spoke to every day.

Are we doing the scorched earth thing or are we doing the reminiscing thing where we're spilling your friend's secrets? Thank you for bringing that up. Go ahead, Ribs. So, and here's the thing, Brit, as someone who's watching the days that you're referring to, Yeah.

so let me remind you, oopsie poopsie, The salad days were wilted, Brit. Yeah, give it. Yeah, so the lettuce was rotten. Everybody got fucking E. coli from that romaine. And when your mom came to town and she was leaving, like an hour before she's leaving, you've already called her Uber,

you and Jax get into a screaming fight and Sherry's just sitting there in their room. This man was reprehensible to you. He says to Lala that he wants to fuck her and says that Britney is not his girlfriend when she's driving across the country from Kentucky to move in with him. He's awful. You knew it. You married him. You procreated with him. And yes, he put it in the group chat.

We don't call her stupid tits for a reason. Yeah, well her tits are stupid that's why we call it that. Okay so I want to talk about this boy chat with 30 random dudes that are on here just on a text thread. I guess people just add new interesting things. The boys chat is going crazy right now. Okay let's be real. 30 random dudes on a text thread and someone mentions, hey, did you hear that Kristen Doty and Luke, that weirdo that has a pet gecko? Yeah.

They just got engaged. Yeah. I believe 29 of those people would have responded. Who? How many people would leave the chat? How many numbers would you just see left the conversation? Like our father did the other day, who was on a text thread for Lucy.

We were sharing pictures and stuff. My aunt talks about Trump's tax savings program for children, and you just see Dad Cell left the conversation. And he's a big Trump fan, so I'm not really sure why he was just like, I can't turn the dinger off. It's really annoying. I'm out. I know.

How do you get off those text threads? Through a sequence of buttons on a piece of technology that you were incapable of figuring out. Because you and a former co-host used to be going at it, and I was somehow in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it would be ding. You guys never went at it.

Oh, no, we didn't, too. All right. Fine. Fine. So yeah, this reeks of when Ramona Singer had her birthday and she had 60 close girlfriends. And you're like, here's the thing, Ramona, like, I, I don't think I could name 60 people. If you like, gave me time, 30 men, for any reason other than like a War. Logistics war. I'm serious like a militia. Right.

Again, everybody should watch The Patriot. If you've never seen it, sit down, turn the lights off. It's a perfect film. It's unbelievable. Dylan, my dad and myself all watched it over Fourth of July weekend. Flawless. Let me tell you something. I love it as well. I saw the movie theater the weekend it opened back in 2000. Wow.

And I have to say this. I was a bit confused by why. He's going to say something that's really going to push you off right now. No, no, no. There was such an infusion of how much the French helped us during that time. And I remember every movie I've seen about war and stuff

in America, I'm like, it's usually just about America, right? Not the French. And then I looked it up, you know, and it was directed by Roland Emmerich, a Frenchie. Oh, really, really? He had to put his little two cents in there. Well, you know, there was a naval presence that we really could do much about. I mean, what are we, what are the, you know, the colonists going to do about a 90 cannon, you know, ship? So the French did help out a little bit, but yeah, I was thinking French financier or

something like that. Oh yeah, big time. Oh yeah. I'll tell you what though, when Susan runs after her father. My father said to me when we were discussing it, if you do not well up when you watch that scene. Ugh. Janet and Jason. I've heard that she's fled to Europe because of online hate. Is that right? I've literally heard that she has fled to Europe. Hopefully she fucking stays there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And see, this is the thing, Janet. Play stupid games with surprises if you're gonna be mean and awful on television You're gonna get online hate. I have to tell you though. It's short-lived and if you're playing the long game She's doing all the right things. Yeah. Yeah. No one ever got kicked off a show because they're too mean except for Kenya And that's because she exploited Whose revenge porn exactly? Yeah, so alright, so Kristen and Brittany have because she exploited. It was revenge porn. Exactly. Yeah. So all right. So Kristen and Brittany have a little chat.

She goes, I don't know what I was thinking. I just can't believe that. OK, so she this is where she goes into the dare I say like like addict manipulation with Kristen a little bit like, you know. All right. So this is when they're sitting on the beach. Yeah. Brittany and dude, Doughty. Can we talk about Brittany's outfit real quick? Ruby, talk about my wife

saw her walk down the beach and she she had thoughts on it. My wife. Are you are you Elphaba? What is this? Are you are you doing a Cynthia Riva on the beach? What's happening here? My sweet, sweet fiance who genuinely is. She's nicer, definitely nicer than me. He couldn't get over and I don't see it anymore because we've just been looking at these women for too long. He was like, they all, it looks like a pack of ducks. And I was like, oh my God, you're right. Except for Michelle and Janet, basically. A little waddily.

Their lips are all so bad. Yeah, there's the lips, Reuben. There's some other stuff going on there. Yeah, there's some other stuff going on. I mean, really stupid tits. I was talking to Reubes about 28 years later, which I saw, and there's a great- Oh, is it good?

It's fun, yeah, it's great. The second one was kind of a disappointment to me. I didn't see the second one. Oh. The first 10 minutes of the second one has you going like, oh my god, this is gonna be the most amazing movie ever, and it was like, oh really? What was it called?

28 days. 28 weeks later? Yeah. Oh, okay. That's right. Keep it with the theme there. Well, there's a, 28 weeks later. Yeah. Okay. That's right Keep it with the theme there. Well, there's a 28 years later. There's a great scene where the child Sees a picture from a mainlander of his fiance and she looks like him kardashian and because he's been Away from the mainland for some time

Growing up in a world without technology He's blown away by the phone, but he also asks what's wrong with his fiance's face because he's used to seeing normal people. And he says there's a girl on the island who can't eat scallops and that's what her face looks like. Oh, nice. So it's a nice little piece of social commentary. I like that. I like that. What the fuck is that? Did she get eaten by a zombie too? Yeah, and of course the Marina's like that what the fuck did she get eaten by a zombie too yeah and of course the marina's like what are you talking about she's super hot and then his head is actually ripped off so anyways let's

get to okay fourth wall being broken fourth wall being broken down that's what I was gonna say all right so I love this Doty brings up the Janet was a fan of Vanderpump rules I love when they they do this. This is how this the second time it's happened this season. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Uh, and she was brought in through, of course, the pipeline is Sheena. How soft of a fucking target is Sheena, but also let's not throw stones in glass houses. You're all bugs to a light. Kristen, you are all fucking, you know, I get it.

How the nuclear physicists get here, okay? Right, right. Jesus Christ. Yeah, come on. Okay, so Janet says that she wants to have a night with her friends. They all hate you. I don't know what friends you're talking about. But we head to the boat.

I have a great line from Jasmine here. About the night she says, and I quote, "'I wanna eat good food. "'Thank God We're in Hawaii Place predominantly synonymous with spam You are basic Jasmine is basic. Is she not? So I don't really throw the word basic around. Oh, yeah, it's it's pretty the kids are using it. Okay

Mm-hmm. This. Jasmine's basic. This is what I'll say about the culinary offerings of Hawaii. There's good and there's mostly bad. Obviously the poke is in the fish and luau's, it's delicious. But- If pigs didn't get on that island,

they'd have nothing. Well, yeah. Hamburger steaks covered in gravy with macaroni salad, less amazing. But if you're on vacation, you're eating well. Rubes, go ahead. Everything that you eat at your American-owned hotel is going to be delicious.

And it's going to look better, because they will put some piece of fruit on it. And that piece of fruit will be so delicious and brightly colored that your eggs that may have come from powder. It doesn't matter. They're delicious. Loved them. I've never had a pineapple like this. So we head to the boat, get a butt dial. Jesse's talking about sea turtles and Kristen. They kind of joke that she's best friends with Jesse. And Janet loves you know, she's never met a wedge

She didn't shove into somebody's fucking heart So just reminds Michelle that Kristen is a bad person, but we hit the boat Danny says that he hopes that they can focus on Kristen and Luke. That's funny Zach says I'm dead and we talked about Luke's dick for some time a lot. Yeah sometime He loves the cameras and attention. I did not see that and we talk about Luke's dick for some time. A lot. Yeah, some time. He loves the cameras and attention. I did not see that. Oh, 100%. Oh my God, he's starting to feel himself.

That's the only thing that could explain away why he wore this. Yeah, no, he's weird. If him and Kristen don't leave LA within the next three years, I don't think he will remain. That's all. Remain in the marriage she's talking about.

Maybe a full finding another, you know, he'd be hanging out in West Hollywood a little bit. I think that's what he would say. Oh, you think that she was saying that Luke's a gay man? Well, let's ask her. Ruby, what were you implying? No, no, no, no, no. Yeah, because how could you think that?

Okay. Not gay. Do you think he's gay? I don't think Luke is gay. No, nobody thinks he's gay. Pat just had a patty moment where he's like, I think she's saying he's gonna be sucking cock in a couple of years.

It's like, what? Who knows? There's nothing wrong with Lucy. I'm right to be second cock in a couple of years. Like, what? Who knows? There's nothing wrong with Lucy. I'm right a lot. OK. We get to Janet versus Kristen. OK. Janet says she's not sure how to go about this.

I have an idea. Go apologize and smooth things over. Just so it's not so miserable for you and the only respite you have is your husband's shoulder and he's like, oh, don't get makeup on my shirt. So you really don't have a respite at all. But before we get to the conflict, we get back to Los Angeles.

And I just wanna say, I know that Schwartz is a bad person. He's done bad things in the past. I cannot help but love him. He walks into Jack's apartment with hungry men, says, Jack tells him the door is always open for him and Tom Schwartz responds, that is not the policy I have for you. I mean, just amazing. Look, when you only have to work 15 minutes every three weeks, you can kind of put together a good show. And this is a two man show.

Swartz has, out of most of these people, been able to pivot into the nice guy like Golden Retriever character. And we're, I guess, supposed to forget about how horrible a person he was. Ruby, jump in here. You know the history. Yeah. Okay. So I'm actually I've eaten my bit. I can't champ on it anymore. I'm watching the season where they get married.

I kid you not. And I think the Katie's a demon wench. Schwartz is the type of person like I I would look at Jack's and be like, I wish I was dating you. I w do you want to get married? I, I, no, no, no. Schwartz is a deceitful, cheating. He, like Katie will say things to him and be like, I just, she was like, I don't want Ariana to be a bridesmaid because she's a bitch to me and she's a bitch to my friends. And he's like, for sure, for sure, for sure. She's going to be a groomidesmaid because she's a bitch to me and she's a bitch to my friends. And he's like, for sure, for sure, for sure. She's gonna be a groomsman though.

And Katie's like, okay, so that's like kind of unfair. And he's like, well, you're a fucking bitch though. And she's like, well, you fucked a girl in Vegas. And he's like, yeah, I hate the sound of your fucking voice. Yeah, yeah. And then they're like, let's get married. And then everyone like you, me, Lisa Vanderpump, the entire America is like, but he's amazing.

Yeah, he is. He's a nice guy. He really brought those hungry men. Now I had a relationship with this brand in college because they've been around for like 80 years. They are solely responsible for me putting on the college freshmen 40 pounds. Yeah. Well, that's the fattest I've ever been. Mac and cheese and chicken nuggets is not really a healthful meal. Don't forget the brownie. and cheese and chicken nuggets is not really a healthful meal. Don't forget the browdy. All right so Zach says if global warming happens and the seas rise I'm taking myself out. Global warming is happening and the seas are rising so you might want to rethink that but the boat is... One last moment of them so I know they were jumping back and forth but we might as well just recap that entire Los

Angeles apartment thing. Jax tells Swartz that he was served divorce papers and Swartz has to remind him, I know I was here. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And then I was- I love how producers didn't want to go like, let's do another take of that.

Yeah. We don't want people to know you're on Coke. We just want them to think you are. They haven't bleeped. The old seasons, they don't bleep as much as they do now. So at the end of the wedding, Tom, Tom, and Jax are sitting there. And they're all blacked out and super coked on. They're just on a bunch of drugs,

and they're super drunk. And Schwartz says that if a bear came in right now and tried to attack Jax, that he would, or Sandoval says he would beat up the bear. And then Schwartz says he would rape the bear. And then he corrects himself and he's like, no, no, no, I wouldn't, I wouldn't. Well, if they can, if it consented, I would.

Well, but if it consented, it wouldn't. And they, and he has a full on conversation about having sexual assault of the bear. That Vanderpump rules is what I miss. And that Vanderpump rules. And then Jack's, when he breaks up with Brittany, just because he is doing too much cocaine, truly, like he literally one day does too much cocaine,

breaks up with his girlfriend, she makes him like move out. And then then two days later they get back together because he just did too much cocaine Yeah, you guys been there. I highly recommend it. Yeah, and he hasn't changed Yeah, I mean who has the world has yeah, you know Jax has remained the same person. It's just us evolving. I would say you try to have sex with a bear You're gonna wind up or hurting that's just sex with a bear, you're gonna wind up a hurting. That's just me. With a grizz? You're gonna try to moustache on a grizz? I mean, that's crazy stuff.

All right, so this boat happens too early. I don't wanna be on a boat with a lot of sun. I wanna get on a boat at maybe an hour before golden hour and then we'll You know one of the cast members mentioned that Dylan like they wanted to look up at the beautiful stars I think it might have been Luke. Yeah Jason anyways, we get to the thing. Yeah boats are dumb immediately. This is a disaster Everyone's funny profusely. There is no shade. Yeah, there's no shade fucking throw up throw up. I hate this. This is awful. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Something about it seems really not fun. My wife put out there, because you can rent boats out of Long Beach, like, hey, why don't we rent one for like four hours and throw a party out there? I was like, what the fuck? No, that sounds awful. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why?

It seems like it's this thing where you, it's a little bit like going to get Taco Bell or McDonald's, right? There's a moment where you're ordering and you're like, this is gonna be awesome. But then you eat it and you start feeling kind of the walls of your stomach detach and they shouldn't.

When you go on a boat, I'm sure when you're taking off, you're like, this is going to be fucking cool. And then an hour into the sweat and the pain, you're like, we shouldn't have done this. We should have just done it at the house. All right. So anyways, belabored point, we get to the Jan and Michelle's Zach and Jenna thing. Zach accuses Janet of bringing her around and Janet asks Zach to come down and clarify this. And he's such a little bitch that he needs to get Kristen to come down and have his back. The flashbacks of their

shoots and ladders of drama and deceit and gossip reminded me a little bit like if there was a sixth glass onion and you fell asleep, if you fell asleep and then woke up in like the climactic, like this is what happened actually. And you were like, I kind of just want this to end so I can go back to sleep. That's what this reminded me of. I know that's convoluted.

No, no, no. I totally agree with you. We watched the glass onion on Thanksgiving with my entire, all my in-laws. Yeah. No. The last 40 minutes was so painful. But you already know who did it.

And now you're, oh god. But you know in those movies how there's like the moment where they're like this happened and then this happened. And I knew that that was that because I saw this and on the napkin it said that and that's why Who cares? I just want to point something out just to further belabor this point and murder the horse. Yeah 40 minutes

Too long to be so bad. It's too long That's a lot of minutes. Yeah referring to the glass. I am, Pat. I agree with you wholeheartedly. Yes. Too long. Ryan Johnson should lose his directing license. Oh, he's my, I think he's my least favorite director. So anyways, Kristin Ringthing. She says that she was just repeating that Jason takes it off,

that the gossip did not originate with her, and that's a little bit like anti-semitic conspiracy theorists going, you know, listen, I'm just asking questions about this stuff, you know, right? But there's harm being done here, Kristen, okay? So let's not use that as a defense, but it escalates when Danny, when Janet says that Danny sexually assaulted someone, and this is a tough one. I don't know about assault. I mean, technically it is sexual assault. Sexually harassment.

By the way, I- Janet hides behind the technicality or stands very tall and proud. Well, she's married to a husband. So clearly she understands the definition of it. And a husband. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he did kind of, he did sexually assault. Was she

referring to a new allegation or referring to the allegations that we've already? Okay. Yeah. It was smacking Melissa or Jasmine on the ass. Say go get daddy a cocktail. Yeah. Or Melissa. Melissa. Yeah, it was Melissa. Sorry, I'm losing my brains. Um, so yeah, technically, but also like, oh, we know, we know what you're doing. Yes. You're graduating this, right? And it is that, but also like Melissa and Jasmine have a good point. Like if we want to call it sexual assault, like we'll be the ones that do that. You'll not weaponize what he did to us to benefit your own bullshit.

Melissa was the one to stand up and have a problem with that. Right. Because she's not getting paid by Bravo. She's just kind of showing up for the free trip. And she's like, what the fuck? I don't want to be wrapped in this. Right. So yeah, go ahead, Rix.

When they, when Janet says, this is when I, all of my notes are underlined now and they're all in caps and it's very hard to differentiate and everything's bolded. Yeah. This is the kind of thing that when she was like, I just want you to know that like, as somebody who had a partner that was incredibly abusive and addicted to drugs and alcohol too. I understand what it's like to be with someone who takes bowls of tequila in the closet. And I just want you to know that

when she sits there in her interview and she's like, the problem with being married to a lawyer is people get really upset when you, Dylan, Dylan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cause you're not, you didn't take the bar though, Janet. We all know what sexual assault is. So. Also, Janet, meet someone who,

what Janet sees herself as, like the level of cunty bitch, I want her to meet that woman in real life, in a setting. She'll get decimated. Decimated. I honestly, I would take Lala versus Janet next season. Same. I would take it. Let me tell you something.

Lala's doing too good to want to fuck with it. I mean, I don't think so. Lala loves a fight and the cameras. We get to Danny with the hot girl in the little skirts thing. Danny's a little drunk. He goes out, he fucking smacks women in the ass. He's probably a little horn dog. He's a he's a dark little guy now and then, but he's also one of these dark

little guys, if this is to believe, because Jason's the one that shares this information when Danny was really junky. Jason, Danny had confided with Jason and told him, hey, man, I love the young girls with the short skirts, the older I get the shirts. They grow. Yeah. You're tiny little guy. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, you're a tiny little guy. Yeah, yeah.

We don't know if that's true or not. I don't know if Danny had time to defend himself. I think it's probably true. Robes, go ahead. I was gonna say, first of all, 97% chance Danny said this. Hey, here's my question. Jason, when he said that, was your response,

yuck, yuck, I hate that. Right, right, right. Okay, so don't be a fucking lying piece of shit, bitch. Your wife has a collar on you, okay. Danny, you're a little gremlin, I think you probably said it. What was so amazing to me during this entire exchange was that Nia was like, oh, my husband has said

that he likes younger women in short skirts, let's just go clarify, sweetheart, very calmly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love you may ask your question. I was like, Oh, we went to church this morning. Yeah. Yeah. I love Nia. Nia doesn't drink, I think. So she has full clarity watching all this go down. That's some of the big mistakes that some of the housewives make later seasons

deep like Tamra. Right. Right. Right. Well, I'll tell you what, you know, we make fun of Jason for for being on a leash. I think I think I know who wears the pants and the Danny and Nia thing. And I think he's got a little little guy resentment. We end with Jesse in. And I think we're all Jesse in this moment. Just what is going on? What is going, Hey producers cast, let's get organized.

Okay. Let's get organized. And then we, the last line I wanted to cover was Janet saying there's a reason. It's crazy. Kristin and not crazy. Janet that reason is alliteration. Okay. Uh, that's why. So get in the comments. Yeah. No, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry. No, Dylan. and not crazy Janet. That reason is alliteration, okay?

That's why. So get in the comments. Yeah. No, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. No, Dylan, actually, no, no, no, no. So shut the fuck up. The reason, Janet, is because, is because so Kristen was on, I believe,

what, like 11 seasons of a reality television show. You've never done that. So there's a reason why it's not raging Ruby and create like, well, nobody knows who the fuck you are. Janet, what would you even call you? Juiced up Janet. There's no J that would work really. Let me work on that.

That's my forte. Pat's forte is a half upon us. Get in the comments. Let us know what you thought about the episode. Five stars, kind words, go to Viya.com. Use promo code bad TV. We love you guys very much. I'm Dylan saying goodbye.

Pat say goodbye. Later Dix. Ruby. Bye bye. We love you guys very much. I'm Dylan saying goodbye Pat say goodbye. Later. Rubik Bye. Bye On the street, inside your head, on every beat.