Another Below Deck Podcast - July 4th, 1492 | RHORI S1 E1

Episode Date: April 3, 2026

Pat and Dylan are back to break down ladies of leisure, fireworks, salami, US history, love, hut dogs and more from Bravo's RHORI.PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/anotherpodcastnetwork  YOUTUBE: https://www.youtube.com/@badtvpod  INSTAGRAM: https://www.instagram.com/badtvpodcast/?hl=en

A lot of people wouldn't call it an ostrich. They do. When Joelle is throwing her Fourth of July party, she cites Christopher Columbus as the reason for why we celebrate July 4th. So I'm just, there's a lot of stupidity on this cast. Real strong case for the public school systems. My God.

I don't know. I think it's got something to do with a pent. What? Hello and welcome to a brand spanking new season, a new franchise of the franchise Real Housewives. It is the Real Housewives of Rhode Island. A Patreon scloose. I'm Dylan.

That is Patrick. Hey, great to be here. Ruby is not here, which is kind of, it's kind of crummy because I think that Rubes has a lot to say about these cats. Ruby's going on a honeymoon next week, too. So I don't think we're going to have her for the first two episodes. Wow.

How dare she? God, how dare she? I don't think she really. realizes how important it is that she'd be here. I know. And go ahead and list a reason why it's important that she'd be here. Well, I mean, the audience misses her. That's number one. Guys, we have a brand new show. Hey, this is going to be a free episode, right? Just to lure everybody. Yeah, yeah, sure. Okay. But we're going to be covering this entire season of Patreon.com slash another podcast network. Um, I got to tell you,

and switch of announcing that you're going to be filming in one of the oldest seats of power in the country and then giving us this slop. Okay. Let me stop you right there. It's a patent switch. But it's our fault. We projected that our ideal show onto that. I'm going to be positive, but you and I mirror the same thoughts.

I'm going to be positive. What? I wanted Rhode Island, Newport. style, Dylan, a little fun fact, I don't know if you knew this, the Great Gatsby, that takes place in Newport, Rhode Island. Yep. That's the kind of wealth we're talking here. Yeah.

And now what they've handed us is essentially Miami Real Housewives in Providence, Rhode Island. Yeah, no, West Egg was wherever the fuck that, that, uh, that trailer park of fucking gypsies that Alicia's family. One of them was sucking out of a fucking flask on the way to a kid's birthday party. Anyways, real drugs. Go ahead. That's what I'm saying. We have, I wanted old money.

And we have new money Jersey Shore. We have one person who is of old money. Not on the show. Face ripped out of the pictures. That's right. Yeah. He will not dare show his goddamn face. Nope, nope, nope.

He is Sonia Morgan's husband. Oh. Analog. I'm not going to be a part of your racket. Mm-hmm. Okay. With all that being said. I still love it.

It's still fun. I even like the crier. I love the dynamic that she has somehow strangled, strangled poor Jared into being on this show. How is she on this show? What is she doing on this fucking show? I can tell you she makes money as an influencer. They have been trying for years to make her a star,

whether it be hosting, television shows. Oh, they hosted, right? Hawking television products on E or entertainment tonight when they try and do that nonsense. They have tried everything. And now this is her big return to reality TV. She made a deal with the devil.

They just love her. She's oddly so hot. She has that giant, she has a giant face. You know what I'm talking about? How certain people have giant faces. She's always rubbed me. I just, I've never, I don't find her. Regardless, it's very, very confusing how and why she is on this show.

Well, her only connection is her husband is from here. That's it. That's it. And she's so, anyways. And she's friends with the news girl, Rosie. Okay. Hit the road. Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. So we have a lot to get into, but first, we have to, dare I say, invent, construct. or bloom our rating system. Oh my God. For this franchise. Now, we're,

as is customary, we need your guys help. Okay. Let us know what you would, what you want us to use for 100, 100 pots in the thoughts. Dylan, in Harvard and Yale,

where the old school guys, they all get together and they're going to be present. You're talking about skull and bones? Okay. Had this been old money? Yeah. I would have said, why don't we do?

How many skull and bones is? I love that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's not. No. I don't know. It's how many bad, how many bad, uh, uh, uh, uh, tan jobs. Yeah.

How many, how many, how many bad spray tanes? It's something. It's something. Spray tan is two on the nose. Let's give ourselves. Let's give ourselves. Sometimes. Let's go give ourselves some time to figure out.

How many, uh, how many, uh, of our rating systems have come from fan submissions. We got shoulder taps. You know, we talk about this all the time, but Carl Young has a passage in memories, dreams, and reflections about what it means to truly arrive at a solution. It feels like a certain divinity is crept into our waking life.

When we do find our rating system for this show, we will understand what that means. Okay. Until then, let's just go ahead and give it pots. I say spray tans. Or spray tans, whatever you want. Or bad cosmetic surgery. What would it be?

What would it be? Coyacks? What would it be? Because they don't have yachts. They just have like... Liz and Dolores, by the way. They could be twins. The same plastic surgeon.

What a cruel joke. He made them look alike. What would it be cousins you banged? How many 197 cousins you banged? How many cannabis stores? Yeah, I don't think we know yet. What's the name of that horrible TV show that that girl makes that no one watches? Road tripping.

Something like that. How many road trips? Yeah, okay. All right. We'll figure it out. Okay. Let us know. I adored this episode.

It was, you brought up Lizzie Dolores, Stark seeing this. I mean, I was like, what? I've seen you before. You've actually been on my favorite red shirt. You've been on my favorite show trader. But it wasn't it? Yeah, it was crazy. Kelsey is, you know, I say Christopher guest character a lot when we're talking about these shows.

She is ripped straight from a mighty wind kind of thing. She is a 30-year-old sugar baby who is aging out of the allowances. she is not only concerned, she's in a complete and total free fall panic attack daily. It is, she's an amazing character. Then we've got Jo Ellen, who is G.I. Jane. I mean, do not fuck with her. She is a tough bitch, okay? But you know what?

The ladies have something that they can hang over her head every episode for the rest of her life. Broad shoulders? Your husband banged your sister. Oh, that's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, you don't think that's going to be brought up every four seconds. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, what basically what I'm trying to say is I love the cast so far. I think that we've got an interesting dynamic here. I'm going to go ahead and give this episode four. Four. Four beaches. Four beaches. Yeah. Okay, okay. Just because this is just a wide open landscape right now.

I thought it was a great first episode, although I've already listed my issues with it. I'm going to give it 90 bad spray tans. 90 bad spray tans. That's right. Okay, why don't you take it away? Sure, sure. We begin our journey with this new franchise at Alicia's house in Rhode Island, although you'd think we were in that trash heap known as the Garden State with all those

meatball eating low rent accents, traumatizing our eardrums, right? Yeah. At least half the cast has that horrible New Jersey Shore fucking accent. Yeah. Her daughter, this is Alicia, Cecilia is her mini-me and they both like Britney Spears. And if they're big fans of Snooki, we are officially have a triad of white trash. Okay. Really, really quickly.

All right. I'm getting off to a bad start. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Really. Let me, let me just. Can I take the reins back from me for a second? Okay.

So actually the crier is already speaking on behalf of the state of Rhode Island. Okay, so you're talking about the little five minutes. Well, we don't have to cover all of it, but I thought that it was very funny that Ashley from Virginia is talking about what it means to be Rhode Island. Oh, God. It's a lot of things. I think that the people that live on the other side of that bridge that minorities can't get across would have problems with what Ashley Iconetti

is describing as Rhode Island. Everybody knows each other in Rhode Island. Oh, really? Yeah. Ashley, you don't know these people. Everybody in Rhode Island has secrets. Oh, really? So it is called the ocean state?

Yes, I believe it is. What? I think so. The ocean state? I can look that out. No, you don't need to. There's Liz and her twin, who are just two Doloreses. And then we get to, we get to Ashley, who's, we've talked about it.

It's just very, very confusing that she's on the show, but we kick things off. in Providence at Alicia's house. Now, when she talks about her daughter and her liking everything, liking the same things, you know, she frames it in a way that's like, you know, her daughter is arriving at these things naturally. Alicia is just, Alicia, what are you doing? Pumping Britney Spears into your young daughter's life. She doesn't need that.

No. Okay. That's not a, that's not a happy ending. Okay? story. Can we get to her goddamn fiance, Bill? Yeah, well, she's drinking any color wine at 11 o'clock in the morning. So we've got a fun lady, but let's get to, uh, let's get to Bill. Apparently Bill owns a few pie shops. Yeah. Which is a front for money laundering, obviously. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You don't own a fucking house that nice by slinging pies all day. No, he's got a couple of different restaurants. Her favorites is the pizza spot where she hangs pictures of herself and the people to own and operate, said pizza joiner, not happy about it. But we've got a bunch of manjas coming over. Yeah, her family. That family sounds as obnoxious as she does. Other than that, they're an absolute delight. Yeah, not really. They're all drunk. Judy's lipping out of a flask in the back seat. And these people, I don't think they're fans of her husband, who's not her husband. I don't think they're married. Yeah, they want to know when the wedding day is coming, seeing as they've been engaged for nine years. Yeah. So they talk about her childhood friend Liz, who lives where

fucking Z, I don't, Zia's, all the ants, the ants, all these ants live over in Cranston, right? Hey, I don't know what you're doing living in Providence. I mean, it's way too long of a drive for us, okay? You got to live over at Cranston with us, okay? Which is 15 minutes away. It's 15 minutes. She's making me drive down to see my grandchildren. I mean, why don't you live with Liz? She lives over in Cranston. Why don't you ladies run there? Okay? She's walking her cat, Liz, named Ganges, who shits on the floor. The thing about her husband, Jerry, is that her and her husband.

No, he's her brother. Yeah, because she looks like she's on drugs, or maybe she didn't recognize him when she met him because she was drunk or something, because she's the queen of weed. Right. Now, the good news is she is a stepmom, okay? They've not interbred and created monstrous, uh, uh, front. to the Lord. Okay. They own a cannabis company, and this is kind of like nostalgic for me, because this is Rhode Island cannabis, right? When you get out to Los Angeles, it's been all

fucking Silicon Valleyized, right? This is Rhode Island cannabis. This guy's pour and distillate out of a fucking mason jar, okay? This is old-fashioned shit. Yeah, it's a real shit. Yeah, before we move on from her, no, no, no, I guess we're still here. Her face is one more cosmetic surgery away from scaring children. Well, I think she's beautiful. Yeah, come on. All right. Stop being negative, right?

Well, I mean, you're tearing down a woman of a certain age and her looks. Can't do that. We've agreed. We've done so many podcasts wherein we've shut down these mics and we've said to one another, we can't do that anymore. We can't say that she looks like a fucking leather hide that was brought by people on the prairies. Can't say that. You know, she is really beautiful.

I don't understand. She's almost an Indian. She looks like she's so dark. Anyways. Well, I want to be better. Me too. Yeah, me too. And we're going to be.

Okay. Okay. So we're going to grab lunch with? Yeah, we're going to grab lunch with Kelsey, who is, she's going to go over to said lunch in a little bit of a speedboat situation. Kelsey is dating an older man. East egg kind of stuff. I can't remember which egg is the good egg in Great Gatsby.

But she's dating somebody from the good egg, okay? Now, he is not a good egg. He is a master of mankind, and that means that he can pay women to have sex with him. Now... Also, to just tolerate a lot of bullshit. Being mistreated. Uh, yeah. Like, she accepts his, uh, he's got multiple girlfriends. Like he comes home. Yeah. And she's like, hey, honey, how was Miami? And I, you know, she's, hey, I think you got something on your face. Oh, that's another woman's vagina. Oh, and there's the rest of her. Yes, she's, she's, you're carrying her back into this house from Miami. That's right. Yeah. Oh, I guess I got to tolerate. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because you take care of it. Yep. I will say this. And this story will drop more and more. By the way, by the way,

that relationship will not survive her being on this television. No, clearly. Just like Braun was needed an out from old, uh, what was, what was his nickname Todd's? Fat?

Gouge balls. Gout balls. Okay. Um, this is her out in a career. On her. I'm going to eat the last cherry. I didn't hear that you would want the cherry.

I thought I thought I could have it. Oh, can you imagine that rolling over on time? Are you dying right now? It sounds like you're dying right now. I have to say this about a 10-year relationship with a dude who's stepping out on you and a lot of free time. There is no mother effing way. She was sitting at home twiddling her thumb while he's gallivanting through the world. Oh, I think she might be. No way. She was going having fun with the workout instructor. I don't know, dude. Because it can go one or two ways. You can be pulverized, like genuinely arrested development pulverized.

Or you can wake up and have fun with the situation, but I'm not sure. She seems really concerned about it. Anyways, gin was a mother's milk to her. I like Liz. She's very, very funny. She reminds me she's just Dolores. We love Dolores. A little bit of Dolores goes a long way.

Now we got two of them. Was it Sandvall who kept going for Delos? Yes. They hated each other. And she hated him because he did that horrible thing to Arianna. She wouldn't let it go. I can't believe what you did to Ariana. She landed on her.

I think it's Dolores, guys. I think it's me. Okay. I think I'm the traitor. So how do you think, Sanneville's a breakfast, how do you think they kill him? What?

Well, like, do you think they shoot them? It's like an injection? How do you think we're going to die? Have you been watching House of Villains? No. So Kay Chastain is like basically kicking him out of the house. That's how it works.

You get thrown out of the house. He's like, Kate, I can't believe you did this to me. Like, you know how, like, we have advertisers. Like, you post. I know you, like, post stuff. And I was going to do some engagement where you, where I liked your posts and comment on it to, like, help make you money.

Did he really say that? Oh, yeah, yeah. And you're going to throw me out like right now. It's like, yeah. Thanks, Tom. Goodbye. I love Kate. Does that show good?

I don't watch. I just watch clips. Okay. So, Kelsey, woman after my own heart, she hates lemon seeds. Lemon seeds, the bane of my existence. Kelsey. Well, she has her lemon seeds taken out by the help.

That's what I would do. Kelsey, rolls out a term that I haven't heard before. Lady of Leisure. You've never heard that before? No. Lady of leisure. How long do you think? It's a nice way of saying a do nothing bitch.

How long do you? Not my words. Their words, not bad. That was Beyonce. How long do you think you could do this for? Like how long do you think the average person can do this? Me? I'm like a guy that's been living in a prison cell.

I just walk around in circles. I can't be. What would you do? Well, I'd start. drinking alcohol. Yeah. Yeah, I can't, I don't hands to the devil's playground. I need to be doing stuff constantly until I'm so tired that I just go to bed.

I know. It's crazy. When you're in your 20s, I think that you can do this, which is, you know, when he found her, right? Right. So, you know, these Rhode Island elites, they're smart. All right. So she's a pro.

She married into one of these blood-cyphing families in Rhode Island. The blood is siphoned from children, if you're wondering. she is in a little bit of trouble though because while she loves being alone her old leathery husband is away banging runaways in Miami now the problem is this she did become miss Rhode Island at his behest he told her right bank rolled it what to eat and he paid for the the sash but now as we mentioned she's aged out okay she is reaching a cycle of life that this man finds repulsive. Now, she does not put that on him at all.

Do you think her framing of this is that she has outgrown this relationship? Do you think there's a little bit of both going on here? Like he told her, like, look, you got 16 months. You know, kind of like, what's that movie where they kill you when you're 30? Logan's run. Caitlin's dad was in that, by the way. You know, and when you brought that up, I thought, it's either Logan's, run where it's that movie with Justin Timberlake wherein you have time on your wrist oh my god he was so bad in

that you know it's so crazy there was a while there where we were told that we were we were told that we were going to have to sit by and and have this happen to us just in Timberlake being in things okay and think about that was that movie. Time's up. What the fuck was that called? You just watched like five minutes of it. It's like distracting how horrible he is. I know. I think the social network is close to a perfect movie. I think it's hindered by him as Sean Parker. I really do. It takes me out of the movie. So anyways, um, the panic attacks, the tears, they're all coming because the writing is on the wall, whether or not she's being thrust out of the house in 16 months or she feels unfulfilled by this

relationship. The writing is on the wall. This is going to be over soon. And you don't have any professional experience of any kind. So that's a little, that's anxiety inducing. All right. Let's get to Gary and Joellen. He banged her little sister. Older sister. Older sister. And she stole from her older sister. Yeah. I love the old pictures of high school and stuff. Yeah. Yeah. It's fine. It's fun. She mentioned, us. Yeah, but go ahead. Oh, she mentions how she can't keep secrets.

That's a horrible. She's a loud mouth. Yeah. And she's a self-describe bitch who scares me. Were you about to say that you can't keep a secret? I can't. Why can you not keep a secret? If you're like, if let's say one of your, let me say if, if, if, if, if I'm naming

somebody you're very close with. I can't. You're kind of saying the thing. People might hear what you say. All right. I can't. keep a secret. Let me just go on record as saying that. Don't tell me anything that you don't want people to know, all right? If I ran somebody over in my car and I called you to come help, would you come help and keep it a secret?

Oh, man, no. What? Well, I'd help you bring the body to the hospital. What if it was, okay, let's say I run over the bum that threw those rocks at your car. Well, now that's quite a Sophie's choice there. All right. So he likes ripping shots at dinner. And Joe Allen is evidently very scary to a lot of the women. She's very intimidating. Anything else? She has children.

All right. Back to Alicia. She's vacuuming up powder, which is coincidentally where her fiancee keeps his cocaine. That's why she's having a tough time with the house chores. But we meet Rosie who's married to a hustler. Okay. He's a house flipper. He's a Franks.

Sinatra singer, not to be confused with impersonator. He's a DJ and also a fucking loser. Okay. Because, I mean, honestly, how can you be all those things? Right? Oh, my God. You imagine having to be at a cocktail party when you're a successful news anchor and you're like, oh, is that your husband?

What's he do? Yeah. He's, uh, he, right, he remodels. He remodels. He's a flipper. And he sings. Yeah. When you start telling me.

five things that you do, you don't want to tell me that at a cocktail party. Because I just start thinking stuff. Yeah, no, it's not good. So I love the constructs that the housewives have to get into in order to shoot, right? So it's usually a daytime thing or the funniest. Today we're going to jump on a tie bow roller skates. Yeah, I don't know what goes on. I mean, what?

I'm a sad that won't work. We learned that Rosie does a TV show, a local hobby show. We cut to a cookie segment where in a guy is wearing a Fukushima hairnet. It was very confusing and not explained at all. We just cut to a guy who is wearing a hairnet over his entire head. So they break down the entire click. Joe Allen is Rosie's enemy. And we'll explore this throughout the season.

Now, one thing they brought up swinging here. I was a little confused at who they were accusing of being. Joe Allen, I believe. they were accusing of being a swinger. Oh, really? Oh. I think. I think.

Okay. And then they said that Gary Bang Joellen's older sister. No, they didn't. Yes, they did. No, they didn't. I think they did. Oh, okay, really? They did.

They definitely did that. Which I, that's, not a lot of guys can say they pulled that off. It's like catching a fly with chopsticks. That's tough. Honestly, a lot of men would love to have that feather in their cap. It's a difficult thing to pull off. But Gary did. My wife just sent me a picture of our daughter who will not go to sleep.

But she seems happy. So anyways. Then they see, is this when they're walking in those shoes? They take a seat at a certain point. Oh, I was going to say they were fortunate enough to see an ostrich roaming free. Okay. So I want to ask, is this the dumbest collection of people we've ever had on this show? Oh, no.

on this. Oh, I think maybe. Okay, we're looking at herons and we're saying now, maybe not everybody knows what a heron is, but a lot of people wouldn't call it an ostrich. They do. When Joelle is throwing her Fourth of July party, she cites Christopher Columbus as the reason for why we celebrate July 4th. So I'm just, there's a lot of stupidity on this cast. Real strong case for the public school systems. My God. I don't know. I think it's got something to do with a penta. What?

Hey, I got an idea. When I was looking at that ostrich, up in Solvane where we visit quite often, they have an ostrich farm. Yeah. They are fucking dinosaurs. Oh, yeah. They stand 10 feet tall.

They're terrifying. And I had an idea. You know, if you've been listening to our podcast for a long time, you know, Dylan, I have a real problem. I think she said Flamingo, actually, but go ahead. Oh, okay. Oh, really?

All right, it's an ostrich. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And ostriches. are terrifying. Get this idea, don't just let this sit in your head and mull it around for a little bit. We fucking drop off 400 of them

downtown Los Angeles. Oh my God. Let them recat it. How many people die? It's not an ostrich. What you want is we can go up in aggression. So ostrich, obviously, not something to be messed around with, okay?

Emu, maybe even worse. Okay. I like what you're thinking. Now we go up to the cassowary. And the casserole. Cassowary can only be approached with a shield. Okay, that's that, nope, nope, that's the only way to deal. How big is it? It's massive. Let me pull up a picture of a cassowary.

All right, so, Dill, this is what we do, because we've been trying to clean up Los Angeles for a long time. Uh-huh. You release 400 of those things. Right. They take care of the zombies. They take care of all the tents on the sidewalks. People are running for their goddamn lives. I mean, this is literally, there are drawings of demons in the Orient that look exactly like this.

Oh my God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's terrifying. Their claws are massive. This would, honestly, there would be a lot of blood. Here's what we do. But it would, you know. We allow them to live and roam free on the streets of downtown.

Yeah. Now you've got a casseroery problem on your hand, though. We're not in government. Okay. Let's move on. Okay. She's on a TV show. We covered it.

The problem. Road tripping. Road tripping. Wow. What an inspired name. I showed that 35 people. All right. So Joe Allen is Rosie's enemy.

The two of them have been sparring with rumors, evidently. We covered this. We move on to Rosie's picnic. And we learned about Rosie a little bit. She wanted to be Brian Seacrest growing up, which is one of the weirdest things I've ever heard a woman say. Don't eat for a year. I know.

And be a closet of gay man. Yeah. You're there. Well, just be, you know, vampires are by. vampire. I mean, that man woke up at 3.30 every fucking day and then did American Idol, taped American Idol. That's right. What limitless pill was that guy on? Then created the Kardashians. Thanks for that. Yeah, thank you, Ryan. So Rich and Rosie met at a local morning show. He was a line producer. She was an intern that he banged. So Rosie is doing, yeah, her show is called road tripping.

Okay. She is interviewing the chief salami officer of the shakutery creations. And because she's such so compassionate, why are you laughing? It's like one of those things like, who gives shit? No, no,

no. Here's the thing. Oh, wow. Let's talk about salami. Here's the thing about this, this kind of format. It never works.

But I shouldn't say never. It works. if you have a dynamic oddball hosting. Case in point, California Gold. Oh, yeah. California. Oh, wow. Are those rocks?

Oh, how exciting. California Gold is, it is appointment viewing. Okay. If it were running currently, Huell is dead. I think he had a is. He's dead. uh, just a, a notorious, look at that.

A notoriously lewd sexual deviant. Um, but he was, uh, a Marine. And, uh, when you have him breaking down, him talking to the chief salami officer would be amazing.

Yeah. Who gave you that title? Oh, wow. We've discussed it, but there's a clip that we, we've got to find of him at, uh,

one of the, meat purveyors for the Jewish delicatessen scene in Los Angeles. He goes over, he sees a bucket of cow tongues, you know, a lot of Jews eat tongue sandwiches. And he goes, oh my God, that is disgusting. That is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen in my life. And there are these moments that are truly beautiful. That's unlike him. He's a pretty positive person. Yeah, but Kelsey's not cutting it. So Rosie cannot do her job to the optimum levels because she is so focused on the bitches that have arrived at her three-guest picnic. It's important to remember that she has. This is a really, really kind of sad state of affairs.

If you think about it, she's got a thousand-dollar gift bags. She has turned this picnic into a shoot. There's just a lot of really weird things going on here. comfortable shooting, you know, she's a big to do, you know, a big host. And then, hey, come down here while I'm, you know, in control. This is my element. Yeah, it seems like a light operation. I think they usually just have one guy.

But today they brought out the black magics and they brought out the whole cast and crew. So we're really trying to sell it. But Joe Allen starts. You didn't mention that Ashley I showed up with Duncan. Yeah. Now, I don't know when they lost donuts in their name, a hundred year. IP and they lost donuts, but they did. Yeah. They did. Well, they, they, they want to be a breakfast brand, right? So there was a, there was a shift right, where they had to just be Duncan.

Because Duncan has the egg whites. Right. Donuts says, come on in. Donuts. We're gross. You're right. Exactly. So, uh, Ashley literally doesn't know these women. She's meeting two of them for the first time. Rosie is the one that got Ashley into the group. And the reason that Ashley is, in Rhode Island is because she has a husband, Jared, and they have two children, Hayden and Dawson, aka two little white boys, okay? If you're not from Rhode Island, you are out, according to Ashley the Cryer. Now, they move on to Kelsey, who is worried about being dumped by her sugar daddy. And Joellen says that she's having panic attacks. But Joellen doesn't want to be. She doesn't want to to talk badly about Kelsey at this lunch. So we pivot to a game of never have I ever. Now,

this was a pretty raunchy one. I think we go anal pretty close to right out of the top. Yeah. I must say this is pretty played out. Yeah. I think the producers feed them this like, hey ladies, if we're having trouble getting things started, just go with it. Rosie was quite honest. She said, I'm a fan of anal, but only if a sir, if a man has a squid dick. It has to be Finn. I was like, okay, that's a lot. And then we talk about three. It would it be horrible if she said, I'm a virgin. I've only ever been with my husband. You know, and then it's, yeah, yeah, right, right. But way I thought, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so Rosie starts to flame Kelsey a little bit. Joe Ellen starts to get protective. And I like the cut of Joe Ellen's jip. She can't keep this

not shit-talking thing up. If you're going to be a housewife, you have. have to betray this code, but that's for later. Now, um... She made poor Rosie cry. I don't know if Rosie's cut out for this, honestly. Yeah. Um, she cries because Jo Ellen says that the wine she brought to the, the party was cheap. And then Chris quickly escalates to, uh, children think that you're evil.

Which, to be fair to Rosie is very, uh, hurtful. Now, um, Rosie starts to cry and say that she didn't need to invite her to the pick. Nick. And eventually, we get to the ritual of the housewives, which is, Rosie is crying her eyes out, but that doesn't matter. No, no, no. Hands in, we've got an invite to dole out. That's right. A Fourth of July party. That's more important. Also, just a real quick side note, they discuss whether or not it's proper for Kelsey to buy a Christmas present, not only for her sugar daddy, but also his side piece. That is a topic of discussion. Okay. So, yeah, what we're basically saying is we've got a lot of trash here in front of the lenses.

So, next day. They crushed two bottles of champagne and we head to South Kinstantown with Ashley and Jared, who is running a cafe, Audrey's Cafe, the second ranked celebrity restaurant in the country behind Bon Jovi. Okay. Now, I like Jared. I do too. He doesn't want to be an influencer. but Ashley I is upset.

Hold on. Mark, your Marciato's up right now. Sorry, go ahead. What we were saying? Ashley wants Jared to leverage the social media following that he has. Tyler, Tyler, it's an Earl Grey Tea latte. Sorry, Tyler. Go on. She's worried that he's working too hard.

You know, when they first started the company or the cafe, he was putting in a hundred hours a week. And now he's basically living there. Amanda, got a grasshopper, Machiaato for Amanda. And that's when actually starts to cry. Yeah. I think it's, again, I think it's less that he is obsessed with making Audrey's successful business and more like he does not want to be at that house.

And who does when you have kids that young? I mean, just being honest here. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. I haven't gotten there yet, but yeah, evidently he doesn't want. I'd rather pretend be a barista than be at homeless into my weather talk. A wife talk about, you know, her friends. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So let's get to the Fourth of July party. Joellen rented a house in Portsmouth. She doesn't know what the Fourth of July is. Well, Portsmouth would give you an indication. You know, it's a British town and has something to do with that. But yeah, she, like we said, thinks that it has something to do with Columbus. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, it's...

Who said America's public school system is fair. But it's really crazy to not know that. Oh. Oh, boy. I got news for you. Why? Oh, just how dumb people are. Like, just the simple facts.

I don't even know how important it is anymore. I don't know. It's so crazy. To not know. All right. I think it's important, but I... It's not just that it's important. It's like, it's this thing where like,

I would imagine, what do the French have like fucking, whatever day they have and Bastille Day and Mexicans have their independence? It's just like part of being a country. You kind of know that? Chinese New Year is next week. New Year.

Yeah. Why do I know that? So anyways, let's get to Nancy. Real golf cart driver of a mother, a woman. She just looks like a golf cart. Oh, this is going to be so fun. Joe Allen is a gift to reality TV because I love someone who's... Joe Allen or Nancy.

Well, no, Nancy's Joe Allen's mom, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Joe Allen is fearless, has no shame and she's also a hateful bee. She will mix it up this season. she knows what the mission statement is. Oh, yeah. She will throw her mother under the bus and then run over her repeatedly and does not care. Yeah.

Does not care. Yeah. Well, Nancy is the grandma. She's paid to be there evidently by Joe Allen. I don't know if she was just doing that, throwing her mom into the bus kind of thing. But it's funny, this Fourth of July party is no kids allowed. That's not cool. Weddings I get.

July 4th party. You're making people find childcare for your 4th of July party with your caviar hot dogs? It's disgusting. So anyways, Rosie is bringing a gift to try to make Jo Ellen like her. Jo Ellen strikes me as the kind of person that would hate people who are trying to get her to like them. Just instantly no.

Brother, oh, Dolores. Actual Dolores shows up to this. party and, you know, talking about people being intermarried. I mean, what the fuck happened to here? These two are, they're carbon copies of one another. I'm not kidding. Before she showed up, I thought Dolores was Liz trying to sneak on to Real Housewives. Yeah. As a different person. I did. Like a Scooby-Doo bad guy kind of thing. That's right. Yeah. So cheers. The elder stateswoman came to kind of usher the season forward. Kelsey asks Dolores if they have beaches in New Jersey. I'm telling you, it's crazy.

It's not even like someone in New Mexico not knowing a lot about Vermont, right? Like I can kind of get that. It's a big country. Rhode Island is, we could throw a rock and hit Rhode Island from New Jersey. Anyways, maybe not. It's not very far away. Kelsey starts to break down in tears when Desperse. discussing being dumped by this Rhode Island elite.

Well, the situation she's in. Yeah. Now, it's all really weighing on her. And I just love that we have this specific kind of character on the show. Yeah, I also want to say Kelsey was feeling judged, really, by the other girls. Some of the other girls. Well, Kelsey's carrying around a lot of shame. And Liz, fortunately, you know, she worked at that tanning salon and was banging both owners, the husband and wife team.

Yeah. So she's used to judgment. So she's a defender of a horrent behavior. So she's looking out for her. Oh, look at that. My cat, Ganty, shit on the floor again. My God. All right.

So, you know, people that just have, like, white carpets, but the dogs and cats, like, shit all over them, it's a, there's a, there's a, smell to that. It does not go away. You're like, how do you live like this, actually? So we see the gift that Rosie was cooking up. Fireworks. Fireworks bouquet and a bottle of Moe. Joe Ellen just doesn't like this girl. She's not happy with this. I thought it was a great gift. Now, Kelsey has asked if she came solo by Alicia. She breaks down in tears, starts to cry again. She's fine with it. She's going through it. Okay. Now, Jo Ellen gets a FaceTime. And in this, mom and I feel seen. She gets a face time from Nancy, the grandma. And she goes, what are we doing? The kids are wide awake. We told you to get them down at seven o'clock. Grandparents, when you,

if you're lucky enough to have grandparents, just know that they love the kids and that they are not going to sleep that well. They're not going to eat that well. And it's just going to be the grandparents hanging out. That's what's going to happen. That's right. So we, but she says offhandedly, I can't get over what my mother did to me. We'll find out more about that. Oh, yeah. So we find out why Dolores and Liz look alike. Same plastic surgeon.

Who should be put in jail for what he did to their faces. You think? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Wow. Yeah, like we said, they're beautiful, but they do look like indigenous people. I don't know from what country,

but they look like they've been here for hundreds. thousands of years. Yeah. Kelsey and Rosie, you know the, the beginning of a hundred years of solitude? I would imagine those people, that's what he was talking about,

Dolores and Liz. Okay. So Kelsey and Rosie chat a bit. And Rosie. But they don't get a chance to because it's sparkler time. I know, but the little snake that she is, I think that she said that Joellen was the person starting the rumors.

That's right. But get in the copy. Let us know. Are you excited about this? Do you not want us? We would love those comments. Don't do this. Nobody gives us shit. Don't care. Dylan was mean. Let's see you next week. I'm Dylan saying goodbye. Pat's take a bye. Bye guys.