Another Below Deck Podcast - Mayonnaise Sandwich | The Valley S3 E6

Episode Date: May 11, 2026

Dylan and Pat are back to break down models, cigs, corn bread, love, mayo, llama's and more from Bravo's The Valley.PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/anotherpodcastnetwork  YOUTUBE: https://www.youtube.com/@badtvpod  INSTAGRAM: https://www.instagram.com/badtvpodcast/?hl=en

You know, Lala and Michelle both have like really human moments when they're recollecting their parents' influence on them. Lala says that she's had such a tough time with men that she misses having like a good male role model in her life to kind of be a North Star and a reminder that there are good guys up there. Yeah, because he helped out with her track record so far. I would say, he should come back and help more. I would say that he may could have possibly, we don't want to speak ill to the dead, but maybe that a better job. God, is that

why you come to this podcast? Maybe, that's why. But Michelle, oh, it's so rotten. Rotten hell, it's bad TV. Welcome to the breakdown

up the valley. I'm all right. Everything is on. How many mayonnaise sandwiches is would you give this episode. Whoa, that was gross. Very. Yeah.

Okay. It's too much for in public. It's way too much for in public. Well, you know I hate mayonnaise. If you want to do condiment overloads and the privacy of your own home, go ahead and do it. What we can't do when we're with others in polite society is put three quarters of a cup of mayonnaise on a hampsail. Manease simply can't do it. Makes me want to throw it.

Yeah, I love mayonnaise. Manez I think is a... The Aeoli family, I think, is one of the pillars of the condiment universe. Okay. Now, the West Coast is not afforded with a lot of luxury by way of mayonnaise. Okay, we don't have a dukes. We don't... QP has arrived...

We don't need to get into it, okay? Hellman's. It's just not good enough. If we're trying to convert, it's not a wisen. feelings on Miracle Whip. Not a fan. You know. That's a Cold War era, Cold War era holdover.

I don't like it. You know your history. Is that what it is? I don't know. It feels like it. It's probably from 19th. It's fucking, anyways.

You want to give your, uh... I feel like we got too railed. No, no, no. We talked about mayonnaise for such a long time. Right on track. No, that was an integral part of the episode. Okay. Sure.

You know, these things, the branding, you know, you would think that something was much older than it was. You know the score bar? I've talked about the score bar before on this show. Score bar. Score bar. Oh, the candy bar. The candy bar. Oh, it's been around for, it has to been around for at least 75 years. Right. You would think. No, it was like the 80s or the 90s. Definitely not the 90s. You look at the heat in the 80s. You look at the Heath Bar. That's been around since. God knows why. The Heath Bar has been around for forever. Okay, but let us know your... Why don't you ask your phone

how long the score bar has been around? It's at least the 70s. Which would be 50 years. Okay. And we'll talk about the Valley in a second, but this is important information. Hey, when was the Heath Bar invented? When was the score bar invented?

Right. Yeah. The Heath Bar was first made in 1928 by the Heath Brothers in Illinois. Okay. If there's anything else you're curious about. No, you didn't finish. When was the scorebar invented?

Yeah, so the scorebar was introduced by the Hershey Company in 1981 in the US. Oh, snap. A couple of years later in 1983. We're both right. No. You said the 90s. You said 75 years. I said 50.

You said 75. All right, fine. Tomato, tomato. Who gives a shit? That's what everyone who's listening to this is thinking. You're right. you know, Dylan. I have to say, though, what do you want us to do?

Let me give my bumps. Yeah, go ahead. No, first say the shows that are at Patreon. Oh, right. Okay. Do it quick. Okay. Real Housewives of Rhode Island.

I've, you know, I'm a little Mariah Carey bitch. I get the screeners. 100 pizza chips. That show keeps a going. My God, the producers know what they're doing over there. We have sex lies and videotape is the name of the next episode. We have Brian, ruling. his husband on videotape doing some naughty, naughty, naughty stuff in the next episode.

And that's going to be on Patreon. We'll give you a little sample for the free feed, of course, for you cheapos. And then we, of course, we have Summerhouse just wrapping that up, having some fun with that one. We have APS where Dylan and I just scab and goof over whatever I stopped with one. Great APS lately. Great APS. With garbage tits. Haven't released yet.

Oh, we haven't released it yet. Okay, that one's coming up. That one's going to be fun. And, of course, we have PMC where I released lost footage of the Michael Jackson. and movie. They've got cut out of the movie. A lot of people love that. Go over at patreon.com slash another podcast network. Yeah, and also my favorite part of that PMZ

was your correspondence with Knudson over their fruit, fruit double cups. The double, that's right. Yeah. And they short all their customers on the jam. The preserves. The preserves. Yes. Yeah. Now, it's important to know that Nudson Cottage cheese

is the most grotesque form of cottage cheese. it's slimy okay are you are you are you going to incorporate cottage cheese into your life in a more robust manner because I can really help you out uh well I like nuisance uh we're negotiating they're going to send me two cases of uh free of so I'm already kind of all in you're going to be stuck with the slime then can I tell you trader Joe's is not a grocery store but I will say no it's a snack shop for adults the codet its cheese at Trader Joe's is absolutely marvelous. Okay. I think you should give it a shot. Well, you know, the problem with Trader Joe's is they want to torture people because they want to

create demand by only creating nine parking spots for a place where 50 people want to be. No, you got to, you got to, you got to get dropped in. Okay, you have to take an aerial route to get into a Trader Joe's. That's just a fact. Let's talk about this show. Fine. There, these people How many rotten house would you give it? People on this cast are some of the most lost people that have ever graced my TV screen. And this show is, without a doubt, the worst show on Bravo. Oh, yeah. That being said, I love it.

Tom Swartz, we meet his girlfriend, 27. I don't think she's 27. She's probably 23. War sunglasses the entire time. I'm pretty sure that's because she was high on cocaine, which tracks. Or a lot. Academy the night before. Yeah, she was definitely on drugs.

That's your opinion. That's my opinion. And it's probably not factual or true at all. She's cosplaying a model. So she would obviously be sneezing. It's like they, it's a little different now, but no, she might be a serious model.

I think she's a serious model. Because why else would a 27-year-old model from New York be into a 45-year-old failure. That's the thing. So like if she was like a really really like big model, which she might be, she's flying to London, flying to New York and stuff like that. So she says. She might be. Who knows? She's very pretty. You meet so many eligible bachelors in that world. Short people. Well, you know what? Actually, I would say I actually watched an interview with one of the great supermodels of our time. I can't remember her name, but she's very striking. And she's from the past.

No, from today. She's a new model. Alex something. so funny. She's from the Bay Area. She said that she just needs to meet a man because there's so many gay men and women in fashion. So maybe she is desperate. And Tom Schwartz and his grotesque crop of under chin hair is good enough for her right now. Oh, you don't like that also that little fluffy hair with the hair gel in it from, um, um, 1998. No, that doesn't turn on. Something about Mary. Anyway, he's awesome. His hair looks like Cameron Diaz and something about Mary. That's right. Yeah. I love Lacey. I love Nea.

Can I say something else? Sure. I can't watch Kevin Dillon's face in anything. I can't do his face. Kevin Dillon. Yeah, Kevin Dillon. Can't do it. Why would you bring him up?

Well, something about Mary. Oh. We can move on now. Okay. You have the comments. If anybody, does Kevin Dillon give you the creeps? Gives me the creeps. Is he still around?

I don't know if he's passed or not. No, no. I mean, no, he's still alive. I just don't think he's working. Oh, yeah. I'm not sure. Yeah. His last film, which was a piece of,

a shit was crash. Sure. That's one of those films where you're like, that's nominated for an Oscar. Well, not just nominated one. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Boy, you know, the Oscars or the Academy Awards, they were originally created as a

propaganda tool by the film in arts business to promote films. Yeah. And then somehow it had kind of created itself as a way for people to think. that it was encouraging art when in reality it's still just a propaganda machine for shit no no no no it's not that okay it's uh it's the west coast's met and i would say it's more it has more substance than the mat okay we're commemorating art supreme marty or whatever the fluck a game a movie about that was nominated for best picture last year well did you see it i didn't have to no you do have to to. Okay. If you're going to comment and you're going to say this whole thing's a racket,

watch the art. Okay. This is a personal attack. You know that the Oscars are my Super Bowl, okay? But I got to say that movie, go fuck yourself. Okay. Kevin O'Leary, Mr. Two Watch fucking data center fuck face. You want to put that guy in a movie and have us just be like, oh yeah, great time, great time. Yeah. Oh, I love Mr. Wonderful. You do. You don't know Mr. wonderful, okay? That's why you love Mr. Wonderful. You know his wife killed someone? He probably did it and framed her. That guy's a fucking sick bald fuck. We have simply got to talk about the shell. Fine. 42 bumps. Okay, I give this episode. I would say, I would give this episode 87 man his sandwiches because it just had enough of what it was trying to do. We were introduced to a

a wafer thin child who is dating Tom Schwartz. We were also introduced to more of the saddest segment in reality TV recap podcasts. How is Kristen filming? There's blood pouring down my legs. How is Kristen filming? And then we have Danny and Nia stuff, which is always just magnificent. I think I might hate his guts now. I don't know.

He's the worst. Let's get into the episode. I've deleted my notes once again. You are going to take the reins. There we go. The gang meet up at TomTom slash Pump. So this restaurant is still an operation? It is an operation because it's limping on its last legs because it's been for sale.

You can buy both of them together. I looked on their online sale on sale for 18 months, undisclosed amount, but you get the trademarks. Yeah, because you want to buy into a failed business. A pump is permanently closed. What? It's closed. It's closed right now?

Yeah, it's permanently closed. How about Tom Tom, Tom. Tom. That's just closed right now, but it opens at five. Okay, so they use both locations. Okay. Okay, yeah, yeah. All right.

Oh, that's what they're doing. Okay, got it. Okay. So anyway, you can be an owner of Tom Tom, or whatever by paying for first in last month's rent, I guess. Yeah, great. Anyway, Swartz tells the girls. A lot of five-star reviews, I got to say.

People are really thrilling. People are really thrilling. Yeah, you go in there, you buy a cocktail. Like, do you want this chair to? Yeah. Get out of here. Yeah. All right, Swartz shows up with all the girls,

and he tells about his lady friend, who he's labeled a crush. Now, does anybody notice he doesn't like to label any girlfriends or potential girls that he likes as a girlfriend? Do you remember that person he labeled his hookup buddy? Oh, yeah, that poor lady, yeah, Joe. Yeah, yeah, Swartz is a douchebag. Yeah.

But the girl's name is Keanu. We'll meet her in a minute. Swartz says he hasn't introduced her to his friends yet. Oh, well, he doesn't want to jinx it. I'll look at the Tomtoe, Ben. You're right now? Oh, what's on it? Yeah.

Well, they got Ken's first. fish and chips. Oh, Ken's fish and chips are on it. Can you believe how crispy this fish is? By the way, with dishes names like that, how did this place not stay in business? Yeah, they got a, they got a mimosa that's made with fresh OJ and sparkling wine. They don't even make it with champagne. They just bake it with sparkling wine. It's piss wine. Okay. Wow. You know, they've got goat cheese balls. Oh, tried and true. Yeah. Wow. This is, you know what?

I don't hate this menu. Okay, that's fine. They got a charcuttery board. They got a Caesar. You got everything you need. Crispy chicken slanders. You got everything you need. Okay.

Okay. There's a point where you are literally catering for people that are from out of town just showing up to get a little, little feels for the television. Yeah, that's what it is. Okay. Where are we? Okay. So, um.

Kara Schwab walks over. Well, Kira Gerber. What's her name? Who? I tell you, she's like cosplaying a model. I feel like if you were a supermodel, you'd have a little bit more composure. I was going to say the captivating conversation is interrupted when Brittany is talking about her mommy makeover.

Hey y'all, how you doing? I can't drink nothing right now because they're going to take, they're going to extract me. Well, Zach and Janet discuss whether or not they forgive each other. And then the fun really begins. Kiani and her 14-year-old friend arrived. And I'm just going to say. They're both smoking sigs. I smell Bolivian marching powder from my DVR, for which I feel.

It smells good. It smells like a cleaning product. But yeah, she has an air about her. She certainly has an air about her. Keani, Mayoni, Moana, whatever the fuck her name is. It's a party girl. Hence why she's wearing. sunglasses and why she likes Swartz.

Yeah. And Brittany goes, so how long y'all been dating? She goes, easy. It's like, Jesus Christ, this woman is kind of mean to these people that have been on this show for three seasons. Yeah, yeah. I don't think it's one of those things where I don't think the youth respects their elders, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, then Swartz and

Coke on a grab a drink and joke about stuff. Their conversation was so incoherent to cover. But she's young and attractive. and does coke, so she's perfect for Swartz. Yeah, they're going to have a great time. They love each other.

They're not seeing anybody else. She's found a 43-year-old dude that rents a condo across the street from a place that stuffs dead pig into cornbread. So with three failed businesses under his belt. I wish it was that. It is dead pig, but it's not a polled situation. It is a smoothied tube. There's a fluff to the dead pig that goes into what's stuffed into cornbread.

And I got to say, those corn dogs are absolutely fantastic. Okay. Yeah. They have a place in the culinary space of America. Oh, absolutely. I think Wiener's Insleele is an underrated fast food restaurant. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, big time. Yeah. The chili cheese dog there, there is no way around it. You will be gastrointestinal. ill. And I mean seriously ill for some time. But it's just one of those gambles in life. You know, you got to say, is it worth the reward? And depending on who's just died in your family, it might be worth it. I know I've talked about this quite a bit. I've never seen more cars in line through drive-thrus like I have seen now. You could just name the fast food restaurant,

except for Carl's Jr. Everyone knows that place sucks. But McDonald's, Burger King, Taco Bell, there's obviously in and out. It's just there's always five. Well, we're in an affordability crisis right now. Yeah, but those places aren't cheap anymore.

No, they're not. Today's episode is brought to you by Loomy. Imagine if Edibles just made you feel good instead of too high. Okay, most of them. I don't have to imagine, Dylan. Okay. Yeah.

You know, I'm going to take a loomy right now so I relax more. Well, I got to tell you, I'm running low on Loomie the other night. I tell the wife, we're low on Loomie. I need you to go out, get some swill, okay? Frankly, she comes back. I take them. What happens? Way too high.

Uncomfortably high. I'm up all night. I'm seeing things plunge at my face. Creatures from beyond that are trying to communicate with me, but I'm not in the right state of mind, okay? Loomy will have you communing with forces of nature unseen responsibly. Wow. Okay.

I want to go there. Yeah, of course. The other night I was super stressed, so I took a hybrid strawberry cookie gummy. I got in the bath. Let me tell you. I can't remember the last time I was that relaxed. Was I there too?

No, no, no. This was just me. You weren't there. They've got watermel. Sorbet, they've got Durbin Skittles, Pena Colada-Cush. That's a really, really good one. For a daytime, Pena Colada Cush, I love it. Listen, people love these, okay?

Pat's not even a big pot guy, and he loves Loom. Oh, yeah, I love him. They help me sleep. Yeah, tell them about what happened after the carnival. You needed to relax, right? Yeah, I was wound up, three days of straight work, 12 hours a day, you know. Parents weren't showing up that said they were going to volunteer. here. I did all the work myself. So what'd you do?

Well, Sunday night, I need to shut my brain down. Yeah. I just took one of those, uh, skittle gummies, knocked me out within 15 minutes. Boom. Was I there? Yeah. Lummies are available nationwide. Go to Lummigumys.com.

That's L-U-M-I Gummies.com and use code bad TV. For 30% off your order again, that's L-U-M-I-Gummies.com, code bad TV. Loomigumigmys.com, code bad TV. Thank you, Louie, for sponsoring the show. I told you, I pulled into a Carl's Jr. got three chicken tenders and a large diet Coke. $17. Oh,

I thought you're going to say 70. No. We have to get to the second minute of the show. Oh, sorry. Okay, here we go. We're going to San Diego.

Well, Hollywood costumes first. We have Nia, Lacey and Kristen. Can I say something really quickly? Yeah. I don't like that fucking person working there, okay? I get it.

It's a wig shop. You're all weird people, okay? It's like the hot topic interview is like, what's your favorite Evan essence song? I get it. You have your own little community, okay? You have to be a little bit more aware of what you look like when you sit in the back of

Katie Porter's shot and just start fucking staring at people. Get the fuck out of my shot. Look like a fucking weirdo. Get out of the frame. It's a nightmareish thing you've got going on. This place, I had a second location for my tour business, three doors down for this. Hollywood is one of the, Hollywood Boulevard specifically, is one of the saddest places. It's a weird, weird place.

The people that work at these locations on Hollywood Boulevard, whether it be a clothing store, a costume shop, whatever, it's not good work. And these people are very sad. And that person was very sad. I guarantee that person lives in a studio apartment with 14 people. Hollywood Boulevard is a Hunter as Thompson kind of nightmare. When you go down there, you'll think I'd rather read a well. well-written book about this because I don't feel safe. No.

The only place that is safe on Hollywood Boulevard is the original dining room of Muson-Franx. That's it. That's the only place. I was going to say under a meth addict who's already done. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Because they can leak stuff. They can.

They can leak. Fair enough. You don't want that. that on you. Fine. Okay. Nea wants to have a pageant theme for everyone. It's like a poisonous frog. You know what I mean? Oh yeah, totally. One time I'd death, you could put arrow, you could rub an arrowhead on a, on a meth. Really fuck somebody out. You know, one time, I never thought this was true. I touched a frog and I did get a ward on my finger. So I'm, I totally, thank you. Yeah. So the Convo really gets interesting when Lacey admits that she doesn't have a problem with Michelle.

She has a problem with Janet. She fucking hates Janet because everyone hates Janet. Yeah, Janet sucks. Everybody hates her. Yeah. The Valley is, Janet is the Valley's version of Tamrat. Yeah, she is. Janet spends all her free time doing research on people and how to expose them or exploit them or hurt them.

Yeah. So Janet is absolutely not redeemable. She's just a hateable person, and that's why Lacey hates them. And I love at the tail end of this episode, when Lacey gets kind of welcomed in to the group and is loved, and I think we're going to see more of her. Janet's on the outs. Janet's on the outs. Although great strategy from her this episode, just shoehorning the friendship. It's a great tactic.

We'll see if it works. Still get nice, though. All right, Luke's house. Kristen and Luke chat. We learn Kristen is kind of annoyed that Zach may be. Hang on a second. I don't mean to get all single white male on you or anything. But it's Kristen's house.

Oh, yeah. I'm sorry. What the, how much money is there in recreational fishing? Okay. It's great point. Kristen's house. Kristen's annoyed that Zach may have met defenses with Janet. And she also mentions that she has a bubonic amount of blood coming out of her.

Oh yeah, I forgot about that. I didn't write that down. I think I tried to. That's okay. Forget that. It's just important to color the recap. Then we get to that train stop. Now my wife, she's been trying to get me to go to this goddamn train stop to go north, not south.

Uh-huh. It's in Burbank? Yes. Yeah, yeah. And so. I love a train. They take 75% longer than any other mode of travel. That's right. But at least you don't have to drive. No, you don't have to drive. And I think that

there's this community within the train space of people that really take a lot of pride in what they do. So, you know, those pockets of our culture are few and far between. So I would say, if you haven't tried a train, try to train. It's overrated. And it's a lot noisier than you'd think. Well, anyway, we had a lovely night. My wife and I, when she had to remind me that she'd suggested this 30 times to us to do this. And I was like, no, you didn't. Anyway, on the train. Who cares?

Yeah, I just, no, I glad I didn't say that. Who cares that you did? We're not doing it. Yeah. Too expensive. On the train, Zach and Janet are just reigniting their friendship, you know? Uh-huh. And then she's going to, like, make plans for his birthday.

She might lend him her uterus to have a baby with him in, uh, whatever his name is. Benji and then some serious bonding and then Oh you know what side let me put a pin in that Did you ever um know Hear the story about George Lopez that hacky comedian when he um His first wife she donated a kid a kidney to him Because he was gonna die Did you ever hear about that?

Did I ever hear about uh George Lopez's uh wife donating a kid and he was gonna die No I didn't hear that then he fucking cheated on her and divorced her scumbag anyway there is there is not a big enough word scumbag certainly isn't it

corrosive thucking if that's true I always have to fact check you do it ask ask the phone I want to see I want to see how accurate I am say did George Lopez

take his wife's kidney and then cheat on her and divorce her Hey did George Lopez take his wife's kidney and then cheat on her and then divorce her yeah that's a pretty wild story. So George Lopez did indeed receive a kidney from his then

wife, Anne, back in 2005 because he was battling a genetic kidney disease. They divorced years later, and yeah, there was a lot of public controversy around it, especially because of how personal all that was. It was a really tough situation. What do you mean because of how personal all that was? Did he cheat on her?

Yeah, so there were a lot of rumors and some public reports suggesting he was unfaithful during or after their marriage. While nothing was ever fully proven in a court, a lot of people felt really hurt by how things unfolded. All right. What do you think? Do you think he did it? I mean, it's really hard to say for sure. I wasn't there.

And a lot of that was just speculation. Hey, Del. Wait, you weren't there. What are you talking about? What are you talking about? These fucking, these goddamn. Oh, Jesus. Sorry about that. I want to apologize to the audience. When we get to the Valley, Pat and I have issued a new creed, credo that we're just going to lose our minds.

That's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Forgive us. Yeah. All right. So anyway. But no, I didn't know that about George and Ann. Yeah, I don't like George. I didn't either. Yeah, I knew a girl that did the George Lopez show with him, and she said he'd never know his own lines, and then he'd pretend that he did. Didn't work out well. Unprofessional.

Yeah. Anyway, so the gang arrive at the Airbnb. This is a crazy place here. Don't like it. Yeah, it's spread out like multiple housing units, got a petting zoo. Dill, do you remember when we did that Airbnb thing up in Solvane? We had that big fat pig that was blind. Yeah, I love that pig.

Yeah. Pigs are very intelligent. Dylan and I had this pig outside our back window, and you just could call him over. I forget what his name was. And he'd come over and he'd love to be pet. He had to be like 300, 400, 400 pounds. Oh, yeah.

He was a great pig. This place is disgusting. It's not, you know, San Diego has this little, we're in the Santa Clarita of, we're in the Santa Clarita of San Diego. where this Airbnb is. Oh, I agree. Yeah.

Dylan doesn't have his notes, just so you know. All right. Jesse and Lala go ahead and they fight over that bedroom. I think she has probably, just because she's more famous than him, I guess. She thinks she... Well, regardless of why, what, who, how, when, where, why, what.

Jesse running a man running to get a room first and then acting like this big of a fucking bitch to two other women who want the, I'm sorry, a call me old fashion, it's some of the most pathetic behavior. He's such a weenie with your, with your fucking steel suitcase. Go away. First off, I vacationed with other couples before, and it's not a thing for my wife and I, but I think I've told you this off the mic. Other couples, especially the dude for the girlfriend or the wife that might be coming,

they get really, really picky about, oh, can we have the master? Do you mind? Oh, my God. Are you fucking kidding me? My wife booked this fucking thing. But anyway, we never care. So, oh, okay, okay.

I have a reality show based on what I saw with this Airbnb. I have a reality show that I'm going to pitch you. It's dark, but I think it is so, like, juicy, dirty. and you've got to really push boundaries here, let me pitch this to you. This is not a good pitch. You're couching this pretty aggressively.

Okay, we invite four couples. They're not married to an Airbnb. And all they know is you're just coming to this Airbnb to stay here and you're going to win some money. That's the pitch for a weekend. The second they get there, all the couples get to know each other. They're all good looking, by the way,

and they're all in their 20s. Then suddenly... What about early 30s? Let's stay in our 20s because they're so stupid and they make bad decisions. Okay. We all know that. Then a dude shows up. Maybe it's Ryan Seacrest or something.

You know a fucking host. Okay. And he goes, crazy idea. We want to see how strong your relationships are. I have a briefcase with $10,000 in it right now. Margo, would you mind making out with Stacey's boyfriend right now? I'm going to give you $20,000.

But you're all going to stay in this house this weekend. Okay. So this is just temptation. It is. But you temptation. So then the cameras are everywhere. So then, of course, they take the money. They make out.

Now they go back to their room. Now they fight and argue. Like, why did you fucking make out? Why would you do that? Yeah. And then we go, look, we're going to make this right. You. I got a better idea.

What is it? If we want to do indecent proposal. Temptation Airbnb. It's a temptation Airbnb. If we want to do indecent proposal, we can't have the host be a closeted gay man. Ryan C. Christ, okay? Fair enough. We have to have a Richard gear in the equation.

Now, what we do, this rich man who's presiding of the proceedings, ultimately will be the one offered to one of the people. You can choose to leave and be with me, or you can stay and be with your broke boyfriend, and then we see if they leave the house. You know, as I was saying, it was a really bad idea. It's not how they work. Women don't work that way. I'm so sorry.

What a waste of oxygen that was. By the way, go back and watch that movie and Decent Proposal. That is such an insane premise. Hey, I want to sleep with your wife for a million bucks. He is lucky he didn't get punched in the fucking face. You want to turn my wife into a prostitute, you scumbag? Get the fuck out of here.

Anyway, they're like, yeah, all right, let's think about it. Yeah, okay. All right, let's see here. Where are we going? All right. Meanwhile, we learn Swartz, hates. mayonnaise. Kristen is having her period and Danny and Nia aren't connecting their butting heads despite having a nanny. Oh yeah. By the way, did you notice that Kristen and Luke have a nanny there? And then

Danny and Nia also have a nanny there. Yep. That's nice of them. Yeah, that's really nice. Now, is there a moment where Danny's getting really pissed off about her eating the sandwich? I don't know if Danny getting mad about the sandwich, about Brittany eating the sandwich or? No, no, no. I'm going to let you keep going. I don't know how much notes I have I have very short on notes here okay well so there's a moment there's a bunch of meanwhile before we get to Belmont um one of which is Brittany making that sandwich and I have to say the poise that Jesse displayed kind of cancels out his bitchy behavior over the room because if I saw Mima squirting a third of a tube of mayonnaise onto

a mayonnaise sandwich. I don't know what I would do. He was honestly like he was presidential in that moment. Wow. Yeah, he was like a, he was a politician.

Okay. Unbelievable wherewithal to not a throw up. Be go, Jesus Christ, you have enough. Or see, do anything else in something. Okay. Yeah, Jesse's not

I would not say one of his attributes is holding back. No, but he did show a lot of restraint in that moment. Now, we're getting ready to go out, and Danny is tasked with putting Little Adelaide down to bed. Yeah, I need a swaddle. Now, Danny sucks. He's a bad dad. I don't know about that.

Yeah, I do. If you're prioritizing your workout regimen when you have a three-month-old baby, you're not a good debt. Okay. I understand. You've got to be healthy, but, but. Well, it's got to look good for those voiceover sessions. Right.

They're on can't, oh, wait. Yeah. And, and so let's do this. So if the workout regimen is what makes you be better. better than be better, right? Because you're not better, though. It's not working. But I kind of empathize with him in this moment because he goes, we're on fucking, we're on a trip. We brought a nanny. Why am I putting this kid down to bed? We're paying this nanny to come here. Give the baby to the nanny. Okay. But it does seem like one, it seems like the babies that came before Adelaide were pretty easy

because he seems very surprised that this baby keeps just waking up. He's like, she keeps opening her eyes. She's popping her eyes open. Yeah, it's putting a baby down. It's a nightmare. I have a different take.

I think it's the first baby they've had while they're filming. So they're having multiple, what would you say, things coming at them. So he's kind of like, what the fuck? I'm at work and I'm doing this. Well,

and he comes out and he goes, you're eating a fucking sandwich? The fuck is going on. She goes, oh, I'm so sorry. Are you getting mad at me for eating? He goes, no, not checking it. Try to put it up three times. Her eyes keep popping open.

She goes, thanks so much, honey. He goes, you're welcome. She goes, thank you. And she goes out and she eats her sandwich. But Nia and Danny are struggling because they so rarely get time away from the kids. Oh, yes. And this is one of those moments where they can be themselves. right and Danny really laments and gets nostalgic for the time that they used to have before kids

you know they traveled all over the world oh my god i saw the pictures they woke up and they banged some more and they got drunk right he got he got really drunk um by the way then stop at one kid you a fucking little jerk little rat yeah yeah like you like you're trying to create like a farm there right right right so enough with the commune if you don't want a commune but right now you have a commune. But what's happening right now, and I can empathize with Danny a little bit here, is they're so, he's so pissed right now that everything she does is annoying the shit out of him. Oh, yeah, we've all been there with the, I've been, I've been, uh, the recipient, yes. Um, so she's trying to be bubbly and she's like, we, this is the first time we don't have kids. This is amazing. And he's like,

okay, one, you're just annoying me generally. So step back. But two, we're at a fucking sea-grade amusement park in San Diego right now. The nannies five feet away from us with the baby in the duel, a lovely gift that Pat gave me. They're great strollers.

But this is not us going to Cairo together. Okay. Fair enough. Also, I assume this is filmed on a Tuesday. There was not another soul in that entire amusement park. I've been to that park so many times. When I was a kid, I rode that. I would just repeat ride that roller coaster.

Oh, really? There's one there. Go back on. Do it again. Great roller coaster. You know, my wife, you tell me if you can relate to this, when one partner has way too much positive energy, it's almost like the other partner has to go like, what the fuck's going on here?

What is going on here? I need to counter this with some negative energy. Oh, I'm just confused. And also, it's a lot. So I believe at some point we head down to the ocean to have a candid talk about relationships. for some reason Danny and Nia aren't connecting and Danny's being a dick until he gets a cocktail. Yeah.

And then he gets excited about banging his wife. Yeah. And then he gets excited about roller coasters. Yeah. So sometimes you just got to lube the little guy. Yeah. He is a drunk after all. That's right. Right? Okay.

Yeah. Think of a lug nut. It's going to be squeaky. It's not going to be happy with your performative positivity unless it's lubed up. Danny is a perfect case study in stuck fashion-wise in the era where you were getting the most pussy. That's right. Okay. Those rips in your jeans are two big goo-goo dolls, okay?

Wear jeans. Okay? Do you get attacked by Grizzly Bear? What's going on with those? Yes. All right. So we go down to the beach at Swartz, Michelle, Lala, Janet, and Britt, and they all sit down by the beach. And Michelle sold the house.

Congratulations, Michelle. Yeah, she's much easier to sell houses because people hated my ex-husband. We believe that. And then Swartz's girlfriend, who probably doesn't know who the back street boys are. No. But she loves Swartz, and she's taking his heart. And all is cocaine, because he's down at the beach and she got into his apartment. Here's the thing, though.

Schwartz is apprehensive. Schwartz is doing this routine where he goes, I'm really worried about my heart. You're not. It's because it's beating 150 beats a minute because you bought that rough stuff on that dealer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Allegedly.

And it was rough stuff. He's got a great guy in Fairfax. It's always clean. He had to stop in Oceanside. visit his guy's friend. You can never trust that. Three degrees of Colombian marching powder.

Um, okay, so he says to Michelle, I'm really, I'm really worried because look what you did. You got shacked up with a guy with, uh,

with eyes that are too big. Well, we got, we got to see. see the beekeeper again. Hey, do you guys want to move in? Well, well. Okay, so we then get to

Brittany saying, I thought you were going to say you didn't want to turn out like me, but it's all right. I'm a bad fucking bitch. I end up my whole fucking ass. I take care of my fucking son. I put as much mayonnaise on whatever the fuck I want to, okay? And she is a bad bitch.

She's holding it down. I don't know how I feel about Brittany finding herself. I don't think it's good. Oh, she's not found herself. Never will. Your self-worth cannot be tied to a masculine image. Simply can't. In order to correct that,

you have to soul search. You cannot. I suffer from that problem too, okay? It's a coping mechanism. If you're under any stress, the bags of granola, they don't even have a zipper. You might as well cut the whole thing.

open. You're disgusting. Okay. Michelle and Lala? Yeah. I think they have a heart to heart on the beach about losing a parent. Hey, I want you to know, we'll believe it.

It's fine. Oh yeah. No problem. Okay. Yeah, they both lost, well, I know Michelle lost her mom. Yeah, this was actually a really sweet, just two girlies that had

lost their best friends. And I, yeah, I mean, when did Lala's mom cash out? was babysitting. Dad. Oh, dad. Seven years ago. And, you know, Lala and Michelle both have, like, really human moments when they're recollecting their parents' influence on them. Lala says that she's had such a tough time with men that she misses having, like, a good male role model in her life to kind of be a North Star and a reminder that there are good guys out there. Yeah, because he helped

out with her track record so far. I would say. He should come back and help. more. I would say that he may could have possibly, we don't want to speak ill to the dead, but maybe that a better job. God, is that why you come to this podcast? Maybe, that's why. But Michelle, oh, it's so rotten. But so true. Michelle's mom was unresponsively unwell. and Michelle hugged her and her mother started crying, which is just one of these moments of, you know, the person that you love is still there, but it's so hard to see them.

And it's really, really, really sad. And this was actually a heartfelt moment from this show that was brought to fruition by a guy who throws his wife into bushes. Okay. It's a surprising place to see it. Thanks, Jacks. Thank you for the mayonnaise. Thank you for the roller coasters. Thank you for all of it. In the comments, let's know what you thought about the episode. Join us, Patreon.com slash another podcast network for Summerhouse, Rhode Island, PMZAPS, uncensored content and ad-free shows as well. We love you guys very much. I'm Dylan saying goodbye. Pat, say goodbye. Bye, guys.