Another Below Deck Podcast - Schwartz and Michelle: A Love Story | The Valley S3 E2

Episode Date: April 13, 2026

Dylan and Pat are back to break down restaurants that look like Southwest flights, love, danger, the Wayans Brothers and more from Bravo's The Valley.PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/anotherpodcastnetwork  YOUTUBE: https://www.youtube.com/@badtvpod  INSTAGRAM: https://www.instagram.com/badtvpodcast/?hl=en

Oh, yes. I wonder if we'll ever see the beekeeper again. I'm going to miss those eyes, those scary, scary big, big round eyes staring at you. That was actually a fly sound effect. Oh.

Would you believe that? No, they sound similar. Hi, hello, welcome to another brand spanking new episode of Bad TV. I'm Dill. I'm Pat.

I'm John Lovitz. I'm here. Um, Ruby. Is she coming back next week? She's missed dearly by the list. I don't know. I don't know.

You know who is coming back next week? Who? Old Patty, because I'm back from spring break. After dealing with these two demons. And look, I know the audience probably thinks Patty's being serious sometimes when I'm talking about my children this way. Like, hey, don't talk about your kids that way. Hey, fuck off.

You don't have these two. I do. you don't have to deal with them. But I do love my kids. Anyway, spring break. Each one presents their own challenges and their own joys. Yes, as they do. But I am happy to have them both back in school and I can have my life back because I'm

exhausted. Can I compliment you on your ice? You like that ice? Can I compliment you on the ice? This ice is absolutely perfect. You and my wife have the ice thing down. What is that called? that's called, because you're the one who came up with the phrase cloudy ice, did you not?

Oh, I don't, I mean, it's important to me. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yep. So anyway, we're back. Mm-hmm. And it's nice. We'll be back soon.

Yeah. She's on Kauai. Do we know when she's coming back? I don't. I think she'll probably two weeks. She's probably going to do a two-week honeymoon. I would imagine. Two weeks.

What do you do for two weeks? You relax. You enjoy. How do you do that? You, What do you mean? Just generally? Yeah.

It's, you know, there are different people out there, Pat. Okay. You know, my darling, Sicilia and I went to Italy for two weeks. And can I tell you? It felt like 15 minutes. Hmm. It felt like 15 minutes. Wow.

Anyways, we were here to talk about the Valley. Yes. And I want to say that you can get Rhode Island somewhere else, skin, most of all, at Patreon. But I want to talk about the Patreon. community really quickly because the level of discourse, the level of commitment and the level of wit is so, it's something to behold. I mean, I'm just grateful that we have fans like that. Oh, I want to quote some of them. Oh, sure. Okay. I'm glad you're bringing this up because before you get

to it, like for a long time, I didn't think we found our people. When we jumped into this genre of reality TV, you know, it was three of us to begin with, you know, three guys. We didn't know what the how we were doing. And we just started talking. People would leave reviews and say all sorts of mean things about us. And to be fair to us, we, again, we didn't know what we were doing. We probably deserved it. But now I feel that we've attracted people with similar states of mind. Similar like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Similar, uh, uh, frequency. Yeah. So I guess you're going to give us some examples of that. Oh my God. Yes. In a major, in a major way.

Now, I'm not going to quote, I'm not going to name any of these people. You don't want to name the guilty. No, and I don't think they're guilty of anything. They've spoken their truth in a comfy sandbox, save from the wolves. This is for a fan. I think they should make Jack's Taylor,

the next Bachelor, since they're just doing whatever these days, I think that would be an absolutely amazing idea. But this one is a little harsher. She says, Yeah, go ahead. Well, I was going to say, yeah, that's definitely a fun thing. They could go to a, on one of the dates, you know how they were always like making stuff.

They could chop cocaine together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like on the one-on-ones? Or like he did bring, that would be where he brings the two girls. And he's got to decide one of them needs to go. Right. Yeah, exactly. So, thank you.

God, can you imagine the speeches? My fucking God. Oh, my God. Hey, Lisa. I really wanted to like you, but I don't know. You just, you're not attractive. Right. Lisa, I have enjoyed it.

Can you do anything about this tooth right here? Yeah. I know it's probably gnawing at you, but it's really gnawing at me. Can I say, though? this I don't want to subject innocent women to Jacks Taylor but everyone would watch

oh yes I don't know if advertisers would advertise but yeah yeah it's a good point you could pay-per-view it and everyone would watch another fan writes Lacey looks like one of the Wayans brothers and white chicks and right on the money

yeah my favorite is And Brittany's boobs and clothes trigger my claustrophobia with a comment. I actually feel short of breath watching her. So it's a really robust community over patreon.com slash another podcast network. We love you all there. And if you're not there, we love you too. All right.

Let's get into the valley. How many bumps? Well, you know, we discuss this. You're, I'm going to say this. You can do whatever you want.

As a little batty, if you want to rate the episodes in your own time, you have two rating systems you can choose from. You can rate it by bumps or by rotten hails. Exactly. I'm going to choose bumps. I'm going old school. That's completely fine and totally okay. By the way, also I believe a callback and a reference by one Lala Kent this episode with Swartz. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She really rips it up. How many bumps do you give it? Okay. I did like the episode as I. mentioned before why I like the valley is because it reminds me of certain things. And I like that. And why I don't like the valley is because it reminds me of certain things. And I hate it, which is like child-rearing. I don't like to be reminded of those things. I want to get away from them. Okay. So I know these, you know what, these are your bumps. Also, next time you're going to

throw a party for a one-year-old, just keep this in mind. They're not going to remember it. So you're doing it for yourself. Just when you're calling up that rental company and they're going to say it's a thousand dollars to bring over a bouncy house for one kid that's there, just keep that in mind. Reality TV money, it's, you know, it comes and it goes. Yeah, yeah. It mostly goes. Yeah, get a good account. Lola. Okay. Lacey is a welcomed addition to this show. I hope she stays, even if her and Jesse don't work out. I, and I think she lives in Orange County. I like, her so much. Yes, she is disturbing looking. I think she's pumped so much Botox in her face that it's, it's starting to bubble. Well, she's pretty.

I don't know what she looks like. She could be wearing fucking the Mike Myers mask for all I know. I have no clue what's going on there. The Marlon Wands in White Chick's reference. Yeah. Yes. That being said, what's under that ghoulish facade is a real smarty pants. A total smarty pants. I mean, Uh, she, she, these are your bubs. Sure. That long form, uh, they generally will not have a long form conversation like they did with Jesse and Lacey at that table in which she proceeded to bust his balls for five and a half minutes. Yeah. She owns that dude. Um, she's too good for him,

too smart for him to, too interesting, more interesting than him. It's wonderful, though, that she's made this calculation. Jesse is what she needs currently. Now, Jesse wants much more of her than she's willing to give, but she is very, very comfortable. Just walking him like a terrier. Yeah. Yeah. And again, the only thing that I can find so far that I take issue with is why Jesse. But other than that, she fascinates me.

And it took me a while to come around to Michelle because I was obviously very attracted to her. And I took her side because Jesse's such so clearly a douchebag. Right. But seeing Michelle's track record of. moving Isabella in the house with the beekeeper, who then subsequently threw them out after a very short period, but not before she had Isabella telling him that she loved him

and calling him like Daddy or something. Real smart move on Michelle's part. So she's a dummy. So anyway, I think that Lacey is going to have fun eating pretty much every cast member's lunch on this show. And I can't think of one formidable opponent that can take her. And it's going to be fun watching the fight.

steak place. I'm going to give it 46 bumps. Oh, yes. I wonder if we'll ever see the beekeeper again. I'm going to miss those eyes, those scary, scary big, big round eyes staring at you. That was actually a fly sound effect. Would you believe that? Yeah, they sound like crazy. Okay, bumps? I think I gave it. Oh, you did. Okay. I was looking for the fly. I agree with so many things. I think that Danny continues. The Santa Clarita thing really continues to be a wonderful shot in Freud Wellspring for this show. Oh. You know what? Every once in a movie, in a painting, well, any kind of art, when you can just get a snapshot of something that immediately makes you feel better about your life. No, no, no, no. But it's something that you, you know,

instantaneously it's not for you, right? Yeah. Oh, you don't want to live on a dirt pile in a track home that's four and a half feet away from your neighbor's bathroom where you can literally hear their toilet flush. The thing about moving to Santa Clarita and this happens to almost every single person is you'll move in and the realtor will have told your neighbor, um, the newspapers need to come off the windows while we're showing the house. You buy the house. The news. The news. newspapers go up. It's the hills have eyes out there. You're living next to radioactive mongrels.

I'm completely kidding. Yeah. They're lovely people. Lots of families out there. Lovely place. A lot of fireworks stands too. Yeah. Yeah.

All right. No, it's fine. It's great. 16 bumps. 16 bumps. Rotten hills. Yeah.

One note on Danny. I have to say. Big breath. Yeah. Him and Nia. Nea is a lovely. person. I actually think the person that she's being on this show is her. We don't get really deep into her a lot in the episode. She's really, it's the Danny show. Boy, as far as emotional intelligence

goes, oh my God. Dude, can I tell you? He is on something. It's the buzz of Santa Clarita. He, I'm telling you. He's breathing in the radioactive film. He is huffing Santa Clarita. He's so puffed He's so proud. And it's, it's kind of confusing, yeah. Danny, I'm, I'm suffering from depression. I'm having a tough go of things. I have anxiety. I'm not feeling myself.

Well, good thing. Good thing we got a lot of time on our hands. We're going to shoot 35 loads in you. What? Babe. Babe. Babe. Focus.

Go on. Focus. You have a good time, right? Yeah, I get the depression at all, but I need you to zero back in, okay? 35 loads, honey. Let's get into the show. I lost my notes for this. Okay, okay.

All right, so we drop in, well, we bounce around a bunch of places. We obviously stopped by Santa Clarita. Now we go to Kristen's house just to get bummed out. She doesn't want to have sex anymore. And she just doesn't want to have it. I've been there. I think a lot of married guys have been there. Yeah.

Yeah. You just got to accept it. You know, a woman's body's been through a lot and it's going to be on her time frame, not yours. Yeah, no. And we've all been there where we're new fathers or wives are two and a half, three months, postpartum. And we approach them and we say, I need you to focus.

Yeah. You know, I need you to. I need to just start banging me a lot more, okay? We need to connect physically. And that's why I think we should get a babysitter and stay at a hotel for a night. Luke is extremely... Again, I'll use the word confused.

I'm genuinely baffled at him just not understanding what is happening in front of him. It's, yeah. Well, first off, if I would approach it, you don't just keep throwing this kind of guilt trip on your wife. What you do is you get out there with a tool bag and you throw out the negotiation skills. I don't even think about the vagina. You say, the vagina is off the table. You say, what are your two feet doing that's Thursday at 9 o'clock?

No, no. No, no. Oh, God. I don't know. The level of coordination required. She can watch Temptation Island while she's doing it. Okay. I think, you know, all joking aside, you do what you and I did, which is you just leave it alone.

Oh, yeah. Three months, you're having this conversation with this woman, you lunatic. I know, but it's a pretty common conversation. Let's be real about it. And I think he's doing it respectfully. You got to, it's not like he's saying he's giving some ideas, floating some ideas out there. Yeah, I mean, I think it's a bananas thing to, to suggest. but Kristen, I want to talk about for a second because I genuinely don't know how,

I don't know how we would fare. If you're three months postpartum, camera crews in the house, sip and sees that we have to attend, the sun is shooting this tiny little baby in the face all over the place. I don't know how they're due. it. It's a fucking brutal thing to have to go through. You got to make a paycheck. Yeah. You do have to make a paycheck. But I'm happy that they're showing postpartum on the show. You know, it's good to see. It's also not the funnest. No, period of your life. It's good for some to see. Yeah.

Not for us. But for the majority of people, it's just a reminder of how fucking misery it is to have newborn children. So anyways, hello and welcome to a brief message from a new sponsor. What do we do with new sponsors? We show up and you guys show up for us. You support them and that helps us grow. Yep, absolutely.

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Let me givies.com. Code bad TV. Fun stuff. And young toddlers. Yeah. All right. Let's go over to Brittany's house. What the hell am I doing?

Ted Ganey there. Your words, not mine. All right. Lego head drops by Brits and Cruz is doing much better. He's got that sensory room. He's like a new kid now. And it's surprising how well small children do when they're not witnessing their daddy throw their mommy into the hedges anymore.

Wow. Who does wonders? Yeah. When the furniture does not have a ballistic quality to it, they end up doing better. I will say, you know, Brittany is the human embodiment of a pomeano cheese sandwich or something. but she has a horrible taste in men. And yes. Well,

that's what I was going to say. The good news for Cruz is don't worry, young man. We have another winner. And warming up in the bullpen. We have a guy who's got three kids with, this is just his stats, two baby mamas.

Both baby mamas have a problem with them. Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the important part because, you know, didn't work out twice. She had three children. All right. You know, that's okay.

but things are a little spicy between you and the other. It's not a good pick. I think he was also in a relationship with another woman at the time he was dating Brittany, and she was unaware that they weren't in a relationship. Yeah, that was probably. And it was safe to say, not a good pick. But what I will say, despite, you know, the negative things we have to say about Brittany, she loves that kid, man.

She really does love that kid. Listen, it's a nice thing to see, okay? I'm so, oh my gosh. All right. What happens next? Okay. Well, we'll talk about Zach and Benji. I don't know where this goes because they keep talking about how they want kids.

What do you get? This is going to be really weird because they're both agreeing to be in open relationships. I don't like to judge, but I can't help myself here. Hey, hey, they'll figure it out. Okay. These two crazy kids, they're going to figure it out. Okay. All right.

All right. So this is, uh, it's important to remember that Zach is huge. It's so weird. that he's like a massive human being. He's tall, right? Yeah. Yeah. And while he,

his favorite thing to do in the world is judge people, I do think Brittany should heed his advice here. Oh, he's right on the money. Yeah. Clock is right. The broken clock's right twice a day. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, anyway, Lala's birthday party for Sosa. Sosa. Uh-huh. Yeah. Hi, Bab. Where's Ocean, by the way? She went Randall? Yeah.

Cut some new deals. All right. I want you to invest. All right, get this, get this. We already got some investors coming. Yeah, we have a lot of money lined up already. We're making, get this, Gremlin's 10. How about that?

I don't know there was a Gremlin's 3. There wasn't. Skipping over those. That's the whole new take on it. Yeah, yeah. What do you think? Yeah, I think it's, do you have a script? Yeah, it's in the first.

works right now. And who's, uh, who's attached? Who's attached? Yeah, who's the, the lead guy. Oh, uh, Ralph Machio. No, no, no, no. It's got to be somebody better. So do you, do you, have you worked with anybody in the past? Do you think it would be good for the, top names, Joe Pesci. Yeah, sure. Joe Pesci, would be good for her. I mean, I, you see, I call it right now. I was trying to get you to say that you would wheel Bruce out. That's what I was trying to get you to say. Bruce Willis. But you brought up Ralph Macho and Joe Pesci. Bruce is the same thing. No.

Okay. Yeah, Bruce. I'll get Bruce on the phone right now. I don't know where Ocean is, but this birthday party is for Sosa. Okay? Sosa. That's right. All right.

Let's see here. So Lala wants to have sex with the lifeguard. She does. She's such good TV because she just says things like what she's thinking at the time. And it's so real. Hey, babe. Me and Napier. me and nap time, Bip. Yeah. Now, we're not there yet. We're not a full-blown there yet.

No. She has spotted the lifeguard. That's right. She spotted him. People start showing up. Janet arrives. Janet is, well, she's in therapy, I guess. But she is very awkward so far this season. She has learned through therapy that in the past, She had taken a posture wherein her words were intended to harm. And it's through a couple of sessions that she's come to realize that. And that's a big rung to climb for Janet. Now, the problem is that the soul is so corrosive and so filled with bile and darkness that we can't, really address that. So it's going to be more of the same, I think. Right. And also, she's been ostracized. She's been iced by the rest of the cast, especially Nia, who hates her guts.

And Nia ain't going anywhere because Danny's great TV. No, no, no. Yeah. So I think she's trying to find her way here. And you and I have joked, but there's so much truth in it. They're going to have to sit Janet down, producers at the end of the season and say, Janet, Janet, Janet, Janet, Janet, Janet, Janet, Janet, we need a story out of you. We need a story line. That's right. We've been meaning to talking we talked with Andy oh you talked with me oh yeah we talked to the what did he say well he thought it would be i don't know and this is just a spitballing spitball yeah yeah uh we're probably good because we you know ratings go up for characters when they're kind of single so what do you say uh i know don't just answer immediately what would you say if you divorce jason i know just mowled over

take some time take some time to think about yeah yeah unless you have i can kill him if you need me to. But the divorce sounds fine. I'm just saying, though, I will kill him. Thank you, Janet. Yeah, pretty bad. Yeah. Okay, so then we cut over to Tommy there.

Tom Swartz, he's so needed on this show. Hey, Jeff. Hey, how are you? Oh, my God. So good to be here. What are you guys making in here? Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me?

you guys are my role models. Oh, I want to be just like you guys. Yeah. Hey, Michelle, we made a date. Oh, come on, Tom. No, we didn't. No, no, no. Oh, here comes Danny.

Here comes Danny. Hey, how'd you guys meet? Oh, you met at church. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's because Danny heard we're all, that they were serving free booze there. Can you get out of Tom? Oh, sorry.

Thank you. You got stuck in Tom. Sorry. He's so easy to do because he's so, phony. I just want to keep cutting to him pouring a full bud light over Sheena's head at that club. Honey,

people change. Not really. Have you ever poured a drink over a girl's head? He's done it twice on camera to two different girls. No. No, I have, I've,

you know, I've been unkind, but, you know, we all grow out of it. Yeah, we all grow. Yeah.

I mean, I think Tom is a, I think he's a new person. That's what I'm trying to say. He's growing. I think he's just getting better at being on TV. Anyway. Hey, man.

That is so inspiring. Oh, man. Thanks. Britt and Christian chat and they discuss how, is it Brandon? Huh? Brandon, the new guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How he definitely isn't like Jacks at all. Right? No. He came over. I told him to sleep in the guest room, and he did. yet, but so did I. And this is where you already pointed this out, Dill, but this is where Janet is ready to

go on the apology to her at this party. Oh, yeah. when you're trying to stage a revolution, right? You don't want to just start at the top. Oh, you can't just go after Nia. You have to accrue alliances, right? So go after Jasmine, who's, she's on the show, right? So she's on the show.

She's just sitting eating tacos. Okay? So go talk to her and try to see if you can flip that one. But the hurt, the hurtful thing about Janet is that Janet always needs. needs a little bit more. She's not satisfied with just, yeah, okay, I think we're, yeah, this is a good star. I guess we can just start. Yeah, no, when you're getting an apology from Janet, it's a little bit like, I don't know,

getting an apology from Tom Sandoval or Kyle Cook or something, you know, it has this, it has this acrid quality to it, a confusing quality to it. So I'm glad we had this talk so far now. Before I leave, Jasmine, do you want to apologize for calling me a Karen last summer? Because I want to say how sorry I am for the things that have transpired over the last year. You know, I think you're a great friend. Do you want to say anything about maybe the beach, maybe you being the reason I've gotten so much hatred? Do you want to say anything about those things?

Or do you want to just keep eating tacos? And then the person's like, whoa, this feels weird. Yeah, I'm going to keep eating tacos. Just get out of my face. So it doesn't go over well with Jasmine. And then we cut to Aviator on Melrose. And this place is a real blast. A concept that was probably came about.

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Please support the show and let them know we sent you this Mother's Day. Rep, Mom, and every day luxury that you can get a low-lil blankets. Bye. Or someone was trying to find a way to lose money. I think that people that designed this place and greenlit this place were insanely high, I think that they're insanely high on like the grandfathered in amount of quailudes that are left. They were just taking a shit ton of quailudes. And they came up with putting southwest, a southwest flight, but just making it a restaurant.

Yeah. I do all I can to never think about being in a plane. Sure. We all do. Right. Yeah, we all do. It's an awful experience. especially by today's standards.

Yeah. I want to say something about Melrose because I've lived here now over 20 years. Melrose, there was a show called Melrose Place, a cool place for young people to live with a nice little... What was the theme song?

Oh my God, I think it was instrumental. I don't remember. It didn't have lyrics or anything. You can play it if you want. So Melrose was like this mile and a half stretch of stores and restaurants that was thriving, thriving. Thriving.

You'd go down there on a Saturday or Sunday. It's just cajillions of people. Now, this area was then all the outskirts were just kind of houses, suburbia, around it, right? Let's hear it. That's very 80s and very intense. That's the, yeah, play it. Let's see. Yeah.

Oh, wow. Oh, the 90s, Dylan. Wow, that is very hip. Some people really like the decade of the 90s. I'm not against it. The first part was kind of a bummer, but for me personally. Well, I thought you were talking about like a desert storm or whatever. That was pretty quick.

That was when I was in high school. That was only like six months. Yeah, yeah. It was hard, though. Well, you, for you? Yeah. The second one was not the good one. Anyway.

Oh, yeah. So Melrose. So get this. Yeah. So, yeah. Whereas in the Middle East are like good Hodgekins and bad. That's right. Yeah.

So Melrose has all these stores, all these businesses, all these people employed, all this it's hot. It's hot. It's there. The line for Pinkberry, it's a three miles. Yeah. And then the neighborhood with all these houses in the surrounding areas said, I don't like people parking in front of my house.

Yeah. So they found some, I don't know, council member, whatever. And they had restricted parking. so no one could park in the neighborhoods and then have a nice little walk down to that street. Well, guess what happened? Well, the next year, parking lot started saying, well, supply and demand,

we're going to start charging $25 for, you know, the families come down here to just take a stroll. And then before you knew it, it sounds like you have a real axe to grind with Melrose. Well, it's so sad to see an entire street now just have shitty business. It's like aviator. Here's the thing. I want you to be a little.

little optimistic about this because, and it's very confusing, but the fat sales will always remain, okay? Even on a dead block, dead mall, there's going to be some fat sales action. Well, even when they burn their own building down for insurance money because, all right, but, but it's around that that a new culture will form, okay? Fat sales will be the center of this new Melrose. I'm really looking forward to it. I hope so one day. Well, anyway, this place sucks. It does. It does. Jesse and Legohead catch up. I don't know in what world are these two sitting at this place having a cocktail. No. And then I guess Lego Head didn't get the invite to the party or had gotten it taken away to go to Sosa's birthday party. Wait, he got the invite taken away. Yeah, there was something about that because Jasmine was going to be there or someone he's not getting along with. So he got. Oh, interesting. Interesting. He doesn't get invited to a lot of things.

He was very annoying. I agree with it. Well, then Jesse shares his history with Lacey and how she's more intellectual. It's his, I think the way you put it pretty accurately last time, yeah, he was trying to get out here. So he was basically saying that before he was kind of shackled to this dumb woman. I think he was calling Michelle dumb. Yeah, this dumb woman that did not have the intellectual quantum drive that is going on in Jesse's head.

He's firing on all cylinders. Yeah, yeah. And it's funny because you can see what a dumb ass Jesse is. Well, basically just by everything. But specifically when he's sitting with Lacey, it's like playing Connect 4 with a pug. Yeah. Yeah. The pug can't even put the pieces on the thing.

Yeah. I mean, when you walk in his home, anybody that has a washer and dryer next to the refrigerator, I think we can judge. Well, we'll be. You know. The square footage is getting more and more expensive these days. Okay, you've got to make the most of it. Fair enough.

All right. Meanwhile, Luke shares with Tom because they're at the party, you know, hey, I got some, you know. And Tom's like, wow, it's great, man. It's great. You're getting that. Yeah. Okay.

And then Lala urges Nia to give Janet another chance. And then she acts as kind of a mediator. Yes. This is going to be the second apology that Janet's going to muster up today. Yeah. So we've gone for Jasmine eating talk. that did not go over well. So now we're going to go to the big boss and we're going to try to mow this old

thing over so I can actually have a fucking TV career. That's what I'd say to Janet. Hey, Janet, I know that you're filled with bile and fucking darkness, but like you're trying to stay on TV, right? Correct. So maybe don't hate so much. Because we can't work with the bed.

Can't work with it. We can do as many takes as we want. We can't work with it, babe. And I believe Nia, she seems like a person of moral standing. When she says, I hate that girl, and I will not be friends with her, I think this is one of those stances that could stand. She's truly iced out by Nia. Nia has a very genuine moment where she has a talking head. And she goes, I don't like her, period.

I don't like her. So what are we doing? And that's the thing that separates, you know, the real reality TV players from the ones who are just going to be here for a nice little moment. So what? That doesn't matter. You only swim with those you hate. Okay? That's right.

That's reality television. So anyway, it needless to say, Janet asked if Diaw wants to get anything off her chest after complimenting her. And he's like, no. Yeah, it does not go well. And Janet, I would say, just, just lay down. Lay down. Made no effort to connect in any way, shape, or form. It was almost as though if Nia was not going to initiate the apology to her that she herself was on, she was out.

I'm going to go back inside. I'm going to grab a broad-shouldered man, and I'm going to tell him I fucking hate everybody here. It's crazy resolution tactic. Yeah, I don't, like there are. Like there are some things you can do to kind of mitigate these things better. Janet, take a seat next to Nia. Have a couple of sips of wine. Yeah.

Make some small talk. Yeah. And then just say, uh, I'd like to have a better relationship with you moving forward. Yeah. Janet's a weirdo. Definitely. Jan, it's a fucking weirdo.

All right. Uh, next day. Danny and Lego head, uh, once again, they are really trying to shoehorn Lego head here. Um, this made me, itch. They're going to get a vasectomy, which I got one when I was 24,

which a lot of people thought was odd at the time. And now in retrospect, I realize how it was weird. They made me do two visits with a psychologist to make sure I was understanding the gravity of the procedure. I'm blown away that you went through with it. Why did you want to do that again? Well, it was buddies with two guys at North American insurance. And it was only going to cost five bucks. and they did it together.

And they're like, I was like, well, was it that bad? They're like, no, not at all. Five bucks in and out. And you could never have to worry again about getting a girl pregnant. I did this. Well, 35 frothy loads left. Of course. Right.

But I just kind of, oh, and at the time, I was pretty clear minded that I did not ever. And we've heard this refrain for many people watching reality TV or whatever. Childhood's not spectacular. Therefore, you're, you're, you're, frame of reference for what a childhood should be. You don't want to put that upon another kid. That was where my head was at. And of course,

changed once I met my lovely wife. And now we have these beautiful darlings. Beautiful children. But anyway, yes, I got a vasectomy when I was 24. Now he should get of a septimmy because not only for sure, for sure. Not only should he not do it just because he's Danny, but because what are you going to do with five?

I want to talk about the, I don't know, if I'm being mean stupidity, if I'm being nice naivete, about what life was going to look like when you are machine-gunting children out of your coupling, okay? You want to live in Los Angeles. You work here. Nia's on reality TV in a former Miss Universe America Power. This is where you want to be, but you also want to have 77 kids.

So how are we going to math the math out moving to a rob zombie kind of nightmare? Seems to be the only solve here. I mean, it's just crazy. Danny and Nia's lives plus fives. I don't know, like a new TLC show, although they only like little people. Yeah. Yeah. Well, a little or big.

Does anybody ever want a question? Very little or very big. Why is your fucking network fascinated? dare I say obsessed with little people and people morbidly obese. Can you explain that to me? Your network is called the Learning Channel. This is what the people want. That's the lead production of TLC.

I was going to say, we've tested it and this is what a miracle wants. Okay. What is your name? There are awful people over there, okay? All right, let's get to Jesse and Lacey's dinner. Yeah, she just owns this dude. It was great getting to know her, looking forward to all the great TV that she will make. She picked his poop up and smacked him in the butt.

My fear is she's not going to be on camera a lot. I like that she did the interview, though. That was promising. When you see her that she showed up. I think so. I think she's going to be a slice of the valley pie. Big time. She's the only new edition I'm excited about.

I hate that Swartz and Lala here. They're absolutely useless. list. We played this game last time, and I forget how you answered, but would you rather have Oh, God, here we go. Lala or? All the answers to these questions are going to be neither. I don't want Lala and Swarred.

Would you rather have Lala or Lego Head? Neither. But you know what? Do you have to pick one? I'll take Lego head because he's a wonderful punching bag. It's just, Lala, if you think Lala is going to give you anything that isn't self-produce You're out of your mind. What about Schwartz or Jasmine?

Oh, keep Jasmine around. Really? Yes, because I think she will still do crazy stuff and sell her soul out to stay on television. Swartz has kind of learned the game a little bit. He's here to just be the puppy dog. I apologize for the ice. That's okay. Now you'll notice something about the ice.

It's not melted. And we've been doing shows for about an hour now. Yeah, it's not melted. Okay. Seda. Right. Where are we? Rat.

Right? Absolute right. Oh, okay. This is where we get our date with Tom and Michelle. Yeah. This will be the first and it will be the last. San Diego, you know, I got to say, I know it's controversial. I think they've got better Mexican food than Los Angeles.

Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You kids are doing such a good job at selling this. Oh, yeah. And hey, yeah, about that Mexican food, that reminded me like that. Hey, good segue. Hey, how's your sex life? Oh, Swartz, you make such good TV.

And also, like, you know, we both gone through a lot of trauma. Michelle, your mom's dead and my co-star cheated on his girlfriend four years ago, right? We're both going through stuff. Right, right. It's like, it's like Riva saying her to read with through similar things. Oh, yeah. It's very similar. Yeah.

So it's pretty crazy for, for, for, for, for, for, for, for, for what I will say, though, is that we're in a salt room right now. Okay, we're in a salt room with these two. And I don't know. You don't think that Michelle and him are going to work out? I would like to see it, but they don't mention it on the show at the time of this filming. He's got a girlfriend. She's like a 25-year-old Instagram girl.

Through the vantage of how to close Morass for no money. She would, for storyline's sake, she would love to date Swartz. I don't know. But how to close more ass for no money. Telling a woman you can last 15 minutes, which means that you can last maybe six. Definitely not. No shade.

I mean, my God. Not first date conversation. As my grandmother once said, no sex, no religion. and no politics. Keep that out of the conversation. I mean, these days, I don't know what the fuck you'd talk about.

Mexican food, I guess. Well, I mean, especially with Tom Schwartz. But yeah, they have a fun time. This is a budding love that I think we're going to see a lot more of. We shall see. We shall see. Anyway, all right, so they're both healed.

And then we get back to Santa Clarita for this really sad. And then I'd say... We forgot to mention, you know, Danny... I think he's gone to get the vasectomy and now he's back at the house. Takes, uh, I don't think so. I think they're still discussing it because getting a vasectomy,

there's quite a bit more to it. Okay. Yeah, you have to, even if you're of age, they make you go to a, um, you have to go to a seminar and sit there and they go through the procedure with you. Maybe things have changed since I've been so crazy.

All right. Let me snip myself. All right. If I want to. Um, so, I'm a little murk. but he's so high on Santa Clarita, this new life, the cinder block landscaping, all of the gray and all of the red,

um, that he comes home and he's just been in this jokey mood the entire day, where he's shooting jabs off with the, the doctor asking him if he's going to cut his balls off and stuff. And the doctor's just like, what the fuck are you talking about? And then he heads home and he has the same energy with his wife. He,

they should just, use takes of this show to do Geico commercials about how annoying you shouldn't be. Right. People at their work. Yeah. Yeah. But so is this the moment where Nia says, I'm depressed? I'm literally going through a depressive spout right here.

I'm overwhelmed and I don't know what to do. And he says, I know what we should do. Yeah. We should refocus is what we need to do. And we need to refocus. remember that I have 35 wads left for you. Okay. You got to go somewhere, baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And now that we have all this room in this place, we should see what happens with one of these 35 wads. It's like one of the,

Luke and Danny having these conversations with these women three months after they've given birth. It's a kind of crazy that is, it's wonderful TV. Get in the comments. Let us know what you thought about the episode. We will be. back next week with more stuff. Remember, Rhode Island and Summerhouse at patreon.com slash another podcast network. I'm Dylan saying goodbye, Pat, say goodbye. Later, guys.