Another Below Deck Podcast - Sea Rat Sacrament | Below Deck Down Under S4 E1

Episode Date: February 3, 2026

Dylan and Pat are back to break down Groundhog Day, pet fish, cigarettes, snow sports, Alex Honnold, stainless steel cookware, sleeping naked, cheesecake and more from Bravo's Below Deck MediterraneanPATREON: https://www.patreon.com/anotherpodcastnetwork  YOUTUBE: https://www.youtube.com/@badtvpod  INSTAGRAM: https://www.instagram.com/badtvpodcast/?hl=en

Did we already get to the point where Mike and Eddie have a little powwow over which co-worker they'd like to bang? No. Oh, okay, because that is a custom. It's like the Holy Communion at church, but way more important. Yeah, kind of not, though, right? Well, you're saying it's a C-Rat sacrament. Yeah, like it's like eating Jesus. Right, okay, got it.

Hi, hello, and welcome to another Brand Spankan episode of Bad TV. I'm Dylan, that's Pat. Permission to come aboard. Kalin is Grant. Kaelen is granted Hello Hello A new season

Is upon us Very excited Kaelin Do we sound excited So excited I think we're pretty excited We kick this This season off with

You know it was an interest I bet my tongue It was an interesting one to recap It wasn't a bad bite but it was one of those, you know, it'll stop the sentence straight in its track. The bite was bad, but the episode was good. No, the bite wasn't bad. The episode was good, though, but there's a little bit of a slight challenge wherein,

we've seen this before. This is a bit like memento. Okay, we've been through this journey before. We've seen the water thrown. We've seen the glasses thrown and stuff like that. Are you referring to the Salt Lake City crossover? Yes. They blow right through that.

I'm glad that was episode one. I don't need to see that again. Right. I thought you were referring to sea rats work on these boats. Oh, well, for sure that. I mean, that's Groundhog's Day. Is it Groundhog Day or Groundhog's Day? Does it belong to the Groundhog?

Or is it just called Groundhog Day? You have him looking that up right now? Well, I was actually asking you. How should I know? Because you're a child of that time. Groundhog Day. Groundhog Day. Ground Hog Day.

What if somebody just kicked it when it popped its head out? You know? Completely ruined the ceremony. We'd never come out again. You got that guy in the Monaco. Yeah, I wouldn't come out either. I'd be like, I don't trust you guys. I'm not going to tell you how long winter is.

And quite frankly, why do you need me? You have all these satellites. You have all these people with... It's called technology people. Yeah. I mean, what are we doing? we have to get into this episode. But if you want to hear us recap any of the Salt Lake City happenings and the goings on there,

go to patreon.com slash... More importantly, Traders. Well, hang on a second. We covered the whole Salt Lake City season at patreon.com slash another podcast network. So if you want to listen to that, go there. And yes, more importantly, Traders is at Patreon as well. We did the first half of the season on this feed. and the second half is back in the comfort of, you know, our own home, right?

We can say what we want. We can mean what we mean. And we can really let our fucking freak flag fly. So go over there, donate a little or a little bit more. Pat, thoughts, pots on this episode. Okay. I'm going to start off with the negative first, and there's very few negative thoughts, mostly positive. Okay.

Okay. We are not... Do you want to start with one positive and then get it? go into the negative. Nope. Let's start off with the negative. Okay. Okay.

We are not down under. No. Not down under. No, we're in like a tropical narny place. I have no one. We're in the middle of somewhere. Yeah. I don't even think it has a zip coat.

I think you can kill people there and get away with it. Oh, for sure. Okay. But I love how Captain Hot Pants gets away with this. He says, you know, down under is a state of mind. Nice try. Well, he says it's where I am. Right.

Then ditch the fucking name. I want Australian porn stars in Australia. Okay, if I want fake Floridian millionaires, I'll watch Below Deck O.G. Can we go back for a second? You want Australian porn stars in Australia? I want Australian entertainers. Because we're not in Australia, how are we going to get Australian guests? I watch Below Deck to get Australian guests.

We're not going to get a bunch of Australian guests. Down and that. Okay. Okay. Okay. All right. I always say... Kaelan, are you hung up on the porn star thing?

Yeah, because in past seasons, we always have a group of Australian porn stars. Oh, I thought you were talking about if you were imbibing in the pornographic arts. No, no, no, no. And you found out that they were filming in a different location, but they were using an Aussie, you'd be like, absolutely not. Okay, but with that, now you've prompted me to bring this up,

and it is tasteless. Okay. I always say that Australia is America's slutty little sister. Now, some people, that is, that by no... means is an insult. That is in fact a compliment. Australians, and I've got to know them pretty well when I worked at that tour company that I owned, their summer is our winter. So I spent Christmases with these Aussies. They are so much fun. The dudes are way cooler. They're all sluts. In a state of mind. Yeah, the men and the women,

all the Australians are sluts. In a state of mind. And they're not going to be on these vacations on this season and I'm pissed. That's my one negative note. Okay. I love this. this episode, this is going to be a great season. I wish the galleys on the other boats were this big because the dynamic of the, the, the sous chef and, uh, and, and, and, and a cook is just an added drama that we'd never experienced before. And by the way, uh, Alicia, we're going to, we're going to talk about you quite a bit this episode, uh, somewhere, somewhere, uh, chef Serena is sitting where they're feet up on a couch with a glass of wide watch of this episode and just fucking enjoy. Can I tell you something?

Alicia is young and her mother sounds, our mother sounds unsupportive. But if I'm a young, if I'm a young woman, you know, and I have a choice between culinary school and a ski trip, are you kidding me? I'm hitting the slopes. But what you'll learn is that those decisions will cause almost insurmountable bouts. of anxiety. So, you know, lesson learned. That's a good thing about life. All right.

This is going to, I swear to God, this is going to be the longest not. Oh, yeah. We're not going to even recap the show. Okay. Now, Ben is a huge pain in the ass, and we'll get into that. But one thing that he did touch on, towards the end of this episode, because it occurred to him later in the episode, the word passion. Passion, yeah.

Has quite a lot of range. Of course. So when a youngling comes into your galley and says, you know what, I have a lot a passion for cooking. He thought that meant that, well, that might involve having a skill set for cooking. Now, I think with Alicia, and obviously we'll get into it, but like, I remember at the back half of last season, she was growing incompetence. I think it's just mussy, you know, the mean mom and the ski trip.

There's just a bout of self-doubt right now. And then you've got the bans from this fuckface who like, hey, buddy. It's hard to know that someone's going through something like this, but also like, come on, you just spend 50 grand on a wedding, right? You could be a little softer, right? He walked out on his own, the runaway bride. Oh, did he walk out on it? Yeah, that's what he said.

He was bragging about that. Well, I was going to throw in a crowbar, a dumb joke in here, Dylan, as I have a lot to do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, passion, it has a lot of range, and you and I always joked. You got to look out for these words with wide range. We love the word or compound word, free spirit. has a huge definition range there. It could on a dating profile for a girl could mean she likes to travel a lot.

Rockline. Or it could mean into gangbanks. Right. Yeah. Watch out there, kids. Thank you for crow barring that into the show. All right. Love the episode.

It's going to be amazing season. I've been tipped off. I'm going to give it 48 knots. 48 knots is a very low score. So I thought it was a really fun episode. It was good to meet everybody. I'm kind of sad that we love. lost one so early.

I am too. She was cute. She looked like my ex-Andria. That's... You were going to say that? I was going to say that. Yeah. I was going to say that.

God. Andrea, huh? Mm-hmm. Okay. So what did I think of the episode? The things that I just said, and I'll give it the same score of 48 pots. So, you know, we're going to be recapping traders in a minute. the episode really kicks off with the pomp and circumstance of Peacocks, the traitors.

Wow, a little roundtable. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Would you mind if I kind of kick this off? Hey, I would love nothing more. Let me set the table. Captain Jason, a very serious, Tony. He reflects on the last season and lets us know that can never happen again. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, because he had. an environment filled with toxicity, Dylan. It had unwelcome advances, verbal abuse. Oh, and don't forget that sexual assault. Yeah. And this year, the first step forward to combat that is to hire Daisy. And Jawow and Ben. Yeah, yeah.

Basically, you know, what this is is a bit of a Pandora's box that we've opened with this. It's a fool's errand, a wild goose chase. Telling sea rats to not be toxic is a little bit like trying to reason with a goat that keeps ramming you in the thigh. There's just, it's not going to take. Ah, yeah. Well, especially since you were a participant in how your version of this show tanked and was removed from air. Not only was your boat involved in all of these same activities, but you were having sex with the main perpetrator of all of them. Wait, wait, wait.

I'm speaking of Daisy having sex with Gary. Oh, got it. Yeah, I believe he's still under investigation. Well, okay, listen. By the way, poor Captain Glenn, why did he get his show taken away? You jerks, you jerks. Honestly, that show was so, it was such a phenomenal iteration. And then they started thinking that they were more than sea rats.

They started thinking that they were in this young and the rest of, let's sit see kind of thing. And the triangle of Daisy Colin and Gary, it just torpedoed the shelf. It sucked the air out of the shelf. And you're right. The ultimate victim, you know, ironically, one that had claimed so many victims

before they'd picked up cameras was the murder of horrors Captain Glenn, you know? And it's just sad. It really is sad. It's sad. Now, I'm going to give Daisy, because I think she is a good person at heart, another chance here, but I'm watching the trailer and she's up to old tricks again.

Okay? You aren't going to torpedo this version there, dear. You are not, okay? Did you just bust out of Tom like his dear? Yeah, sure I did, dear. I don't want to see it, dear. Okay. Oh, and lastly, to combat some other drama, he's hired the most egotistical, self-aggrandizing

douchebag in the kitchen. Yeah. He at one point, Dylan, we recapped his first season on this show. he called one of his co-workers a trailer trash prostitute. Yeah, yeah, yeah. To be fair to him, he was right on the money. Yeah, right. But it's rude nonetheless.

Yeah. And then, Joao, as you pointed out, has his own baggage. Oh, yeah, I mean, probably more than anybody. And it's important to remember that while we are saying that Jason's kind of Sissifian task that he's set out on while it's impossible, there are marginal improvements that can be made because last season, if you'll remember, we had a South African that sexually assaulted somebody

and a Greek that broke his hand on the cabinets. So that's like, that's a two. We can get to a four. I'm looking forward to it. So Ben Jewelow and Days here are going to be brought in because they're the most seasoned pros of the franchise. As we've kind of beat the horse dead, though, it's important to remember that regardless of legacy, regardless of experience, everyone's

here still a sea rat, and they're going to do sea rat shit. Now, we get back to this fish tank. I mean, I'm excited to hear your thoughts on the fish tank returning to the show. Well, I guess he named all the fish in the tank after his crew. Oh, good one. Oh, by the way, in the world of fish, I can tell you this. You never named the fish because they will die. Well, my thing was that what a tormentative and sick jigsaw-like thing to do to these creatures that are already struggling with one lifespan and two, memory. So they've been named these other people. They're just trying to get a grip on where they are in this universe. Maybe they're starting to get there and he changes

their name. Oh, well, Dilley also missing the main story. Look out, Peter. That tank is way too small for that many fish. Okay. Okay. Okay. So in the Caribbean, we are. We are not in Australia. It is a camouse. And it doesn't exist. You know, this show is taking place in the Twilight Zone. Can I talk about Ben because we get some background on him? I haven't seen this idiot for a while. Okay.

Okay. Ben gives us some background on how he ended up back on this show, which I'm sure he loves. It's very vague at first. He's like, yeah, I needed a change. Oh, yeah. Well, he says, and I quote, because the stars aligned. And I guess that means his revenue aligned. with bankruptcy.

Well, I don't know about that. Allegedly. So he begged Andy for his job back. And Ben, we're so open to having you on the show. Ben, for the record, we'd love to have you. We would love to have you on. Although we've asked 14 times and you've never responded. Oh, really?

Oh, yeah. Oh, well, see, you know what? I'm so glad that you're in charge of the DM because, you know, I mean, whatever. Yeah, no. I look, no, I believe it's- Don't keep putting yourself out there to see Ruts. unbecoming. Well, you know, it was in the early days of us getting started and I thought those interviews would really grow the audience, you know? No, but Ben, I'm not kidding. I know that your

catering business probably shit the bed. I talked to my mom. She's an avid Fox News viewer. She says that commie over there and New York is really running out of the business out of there. Oh, really? That's what she said. Yeah. So anyway, I feel for you, Ben. Yeah. Your mom's probably got a nuanced opinion on the matter though. Oh, of course. Yeah. That's probably what's going on. Yeah, that's what she said. Fucking communist. Running all the fucking business. out of there. He's got pedophiles teaching children.

He's from the, he's from the fucking Congo or something. Yeah, that's what you said. Okay, so yes, Ben's not doing well in his personal life. And you know, I'm happy for anybody that kind of takes

the life ring their throne. Oh yeah. You know? Especially having to take a few steps backward. All the power to you, you know. Daisy is ready for a clean slate. She had a tough time on Parciful, as we mentioned. But she's got a bob now.

She has a bob now. Yeah. New haircut. And a little shade to her former boat. Oh, yeah. Who wants to work on a small boat where knife racks fly off the shelf and bludgeon you? I mean... It was fine until you got fired.

Well, okay. So the rest of the sea rats arrive, Mike, is that, hey, Kaelan, are we being a little too hard? I think we should cool. Am I hot? I think we're a little hot right now. we might I know yeah

I think we're a little too hot I'm gonna be nicer I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry let's talk about Mike the deck guy yeah all right he arrives first obviously his hair is a distraction I'm gonna get to know him before I make up childless names for his ridiculous hair

maybe I'll just call him ridiculous hair yeah let's go with that to begin with because he wasn't that nicer yeah Lego had you should have seen what I wanted to say Lego head wouldn't work because there's an odd kind of like, there's a volume to it. It's not like completely like plastered. It's one of the most confusing hairstyles I've ever seen about.

It is. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's like a mothball was like flowing down the street. Like it started to like pick up other like hair that was on the like the road. And then it just glued to his head as he's walking. Yeah.

His hair if we can go back to fish and kind of do like in Finding Nemo kind of thing. Like his hair reminds me of like the turtles and the jet stream. So there's a bunch of. like odd hair dues right and they're all floating and then you know one's just like see you guys later i found one and then it just lands on his head you know isn't it doesn't it like you know what and then we boycott hair you know what i am i think too high because hey hey that didn't make any sense i mean wow i just love those turtles so much i wanted to try to reach to compare them to something you know what i mean uh okay so jason

But the big thing about Mike, and he's lovely, he's got a great attitude to start. He's going to be split P. Yeah. And I think right away, Daisy is up to her old tricks. Now, I'm a little wary of Daisy. I'm not the biggest fan of how she manages. Oh, you don't, you know, you remember that time she was smoking a cigarette talking to her sister for 10 minutes on the phone? Well, one of the charter guests had broken his nose and was bleeding out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. She got to him eventually, but I think... Well, I mean, you know, 10 minutes is not going to make a difference. It's a broken nose. Let me have my SIG. Sigs are important to sea rats. They'll go nuts without them.

No, no, no, they are. And we've talked about it before. Sea rats and Malaysian children are some of the only people that are keeping the tobacco industry afloat right now. Because everybody's going to Chinese vapes and or Swedish snoo. But it's Malaysian children and sea rats. but I heard Gen Z is starting to smoke again. Evidently it's cool. Wow.

Yeah, they're boofing camelites. Okay. Fuck. All right. Let me help out. No, no, no, I got it. I got. I got.

One of the things that I could never really stand about Daisy was this interior placed above everything kind of attitude. And, you know, it was always like, why are you guys not doing anything? why are you not helping us, you know, regardless of what the deck team was going through. And she, it's soft, and this may be paranoid, you know, defensiveness, but she's like, so how are we going to handle the split between Mike? And to me, I'm like, you know, Daisy's going to want him fucking all the fucking time. She's just going to try to monopolize him. I feel like I've seen it before, but anyways.

It will happen. It will happen. Joao, he tells us why he's here. and it's something about learning a lot from Jason and wanting to learn. I'll be a Jowell's truth detector. Okay. There's cameras here. What do you mean?

Well, that's why he's here. Oh, yeah. That's why he's here. Oh, God. That's the truth. You're that fat guy with the mustache and all the Vanity Fair YouTube videos. Yeah. Yeah.

She's telling the truth. Doesn't he have that weird voice? I don't know. I think he sounds pretty normal and not like he has a stoma. Sorry. It's okay. Let's meet the other kids. We've got Jenna.

we've got Joe. It turns out that the escape that Ben needed was because of a $50,000 wedding that didn't happen. But he's inspired. So he's also super fucking horny. These women walk on the boat and him and Joow are like six year olds again. You know, it's like, whoa, aren't you guys like 43? So let's get to Jenna who sounds like she's from Mars. Is this Jenna? This is Jenna. Okay. Jenna has expensive tastes, but she also scrubs toilets. and she says that being around wealthy people will kind of rub off on you through osmosis. And while there's some truth to you should surround yourself with impressive people, I think you're more likely to be taken out with a gun with a serial number that's been scrubbed off. If you're around people that are chartering, like really expensive yacht, they're not going to pull the ladder up with you. They're Russian oil magnates and stuff like that.

Well, I will say this. She could end up getting a job at an oligarch's house. Sure. And then maybe having an affair. I know. That's the thing, though. You always want, and if I could just, if I could give one piece of advice, if an oligarch offers you a position inside the opera, you have to say no.

Things get very messy. You could fall in love and die. You could find something out and die. You know, look at Obama's chef. I mean, these are extremely dangerous positions, okay? The guy feared water. And the next thing, you know, he's like, what surfboarding out there? He's like on a ways.

He's got a boogie board underneath him, but he's freaking dead. And like, yeah, it's just crazy stuff. So anyways, just don't. All right. Next up, but two, the Virgin. And we love the Obama. Of course. I would have voted for him three times if I could.

Yeah, I mean, it's crazy. Yeah. And if you hate them. We do too. We, I don't know about hate, but I can't stand it. It's me neither, man. Hoof. What he did to the economy?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, the economy. How about those drone strikes? Jesus. It's crazy. I get it. Wow. But two, what an interesting name.

Also a world at Disneyland. Oh, it's not Butoo. Oh. No, that's not her name. Oh. Because she's not from Star Wars. Let's move on to our dear Alicia. Oh, yes.

The Sue is back. Yes. The young woman who is going to get the shit beat out of her by Ben. Jason says, keep the sassy banter going and everything will be fine. And I think that what Jason didn't realize is actually that is the thing that is going to just plunge the galley into oblivion because Ben is, listen, even if you had a tough spine and love to talk shit, the way he talks shit is just so cutting. and fucking mean.

But to be fair to him, Alicia's, Alicia's still at Aprey right now. Okay, she's got to, you know, dust the cobwebs out a little bit. Because,

you know, if I looked at those cucumbers, I would have asked the same question. Did you cut those with a hammer? Okay. I feel like he's dealing her with kid gloves. I worked in a kitchen, and they were crueler to me,

and I was like 14. Oh, yeah. Well, real kitchen's violence occurs. Exactly. Well, I want to say this, and you pointed this out.

After last season, And she had all the ambition in the world and had planned on going to culinary school. But, you know, ski trip. And that was, you know, that's when she just said, fuck it. And it's like she got designed in a C rat lab. Yeah, well, I mean, listen, who wants to work on sauces for three weeks when you can freaking hit the slopes and have crazy sex and have hot chocolate for a while? You know, like that sounds so much better.

Exactly. God, I haven't been skiing in so long. I really miss it. Don't you? No, I hate skiing. It's cold. When was the last time you went to do snow sports, like a ski, maybe a snowboard? I was pressured into it 30 years ago.

30 years ago? Yeah. You wouldn't go. What if the trip was completely paid for? Nice lodging, nice lodging. ski pass is paid for it that's like $750 I'll go from my kids now but I just for me on a personal level I hate it would you would you actually why does someone want to be cold why because it feels good now what would you actually ski though no well so you would just sit in the the cabin and just I'll drink hot chocolate you'll just drink hot chocolate I don't understand why humans want to be cold we can migrate to warm places all right By the way, go visit places where people are cold. They're miserable.

No, that's not true. It is. No, it's not. I'll tell you what. Pat, the Scandinavian countries are the happiest countries on planet Earth. Oh, no, no, they're not. They have the highest suicide rates on the planet. That's because they have euthanasia programs, but they're the happiest people.

Go to fucking Russia. Have you ever seen a smile on those miserable bastards faces? No, no, no, absolutely not. They've been under the thumb of crony communism for, I mean, such a long time. You know, in fact, I think, think that the life expectancy of men is a decade younger than the rest of the developed world because of vodka, I'm pain. I'll tell you, well, why do they say, look, is the chicken or the egg? I'm telling you, above the

equator, misery, below the equator, everyone's shaking their asses, hot bodies. Well, well, I mean, there are also people, like, you know, getting their hands chopped off in favelas. I mean, there's no perfect place, telling it. Okay. My God, there's no utopia, okay? It's just warm and cold. I can't believe you wouldn't ski I mean it's one of the coolest things It's like one of the We'll get back to the show But I just really want to quickly I want to say

I mean think about human ingenuity right You see a mountain you go you know it'd be fucking fun Fly down that thing Well you can't fly down it So you got to put things it's like so fun You're like you're going down a mountain on skis It's like the coolest thing And you're not cold

Because you have all the jackets and stuff We'll go Okay All right let's get to the preference She'd Manning Heather Gay Lisa Barrow Marlowe, Meredith Marks, and Mary Crosby are coming aboard this vessel.

Women of luxury and class. Daisy's not going to lie. She's a bit anxious about this. Now, the thing that made me the most anxious was the aqua banana. Okay. If I was a deckhand, I wouldn't mind the ropes. I wouldn't mind the chains. Okay, the chains scare me because I'm worried about my finger getting ripped off, but I'd get over it, okay? All that cool stuff. That's a good thing. cool stuff. The second you tell me that I have to unbox and inflate and put together this fucking nightmareish pergola in the water, I'm out.

I'm not doing that. That's my least favorite thing. It looks cool. It does look cool, but I mean, it's not worth a headache to put it together. I mean, these poor fucking deck hands.

So we get to Joe. She is Canadian and she likes warm stuff too. We'll see right here. history with her. Oh, we did? I feel like they, the producers once again, once I have a good season where I'm having some fun off mics later. I understand now why I got a little shit from a particular cast member last season. Yish, sideways C-Rad history. Oh, really? Yeah, we'll get to that later. Anyway, producers, they, uh, producers, wow, okay. They realize I'm having a good season with C-Rad history. Yeah. And they just pull it away from me like, yeah, like Charlie Brown with Lucy, well,

Yeah, it's a very, it's a very, it's a long dance you do with the production of really any reality TV show that we cover. So what happens is we'll, they'll film a season a year before we recap it. Then we'll recap the entire season. They implement the changes that you will not see for another year. Right. You know, but you do have this weird kind of dance with one another. I actually think it's quite beautiful. It is.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I can't, I can't, I can't just always be going at 100 miles an hour, I guess. No one can. Anyway, Joe said she'd been, I guess, had some small petty crimes or something. So we're just scratching the surface here. I hope she comes back.

Well, think about the people that really did go 100%, you know. They're not with us any longer. No, no, no. Those are the people flying in those squirrel suits. Yes. Yes. It's weird because if you're hanging out with that dude, like you're one of his buddies and then you go see you like the avatar movie, he's like, wow, I was really good.

And I'm like, yeah, it's too bad. You're not going to see the next one. Right. And his name is like Jensen something Swedish, right? And so those people, they go 100%. And what happens is they die. Bonnie and Clyde went 100%. They got shot to Smitherines.

You know, John Dillinger, Thelman, Louise. Who else? A bunch of rock climbers. Yeah, Alex Honnold. By the way, did you see that thing? What? The scaling of the building on the Netflix? That's where you were supposed to watch it live,

you could actually see a human being die in front of your eyes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow, what great TV. Yeah, yeah. We're there, man. Oh, 100%. And, you know, it's, um, it's cool. I mean, he's really talented.

Awesome. So, uh, yeah, Crat history is she made fake IDs. The ADR is already really, really, really bad. Um, we have this whole moment where Daisy is fully ADRed giving the second stew to Jenna. Uh, not a totally important, um, moment in the show, but usually we see it. This is just complete sausage factory stuff. Did you enjoy when the crew is prepping the boat and Mike gets to know Jenna?

They're making the bed with each other. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's like, so? Yeah, yeah. What kind of guy are you into? And she's like, not a filthy fucking sea rat ridiculous hair. Okay. Well, it's so crazy.

I'm not sure what's going on in England with the young men because Mike is a handsome guy, right? But he's, he looks like a, he looks like a bit of a fuck doll. There's, there's the, I think, went through a wind tunnel. Well, they're doing like, people are doing Botox and like lip filler and stuff like that. And I'm just like, what, what? I just didn't, I don't get it. I'm too old. I don't, I don't think this SNL's that good.

You know what I mean? Yeah. That's what happens. You start thinking SNL sucks that you've hit the, uh, your old. I have a kink in my neck. I'm excited about getting a PPO. Okay. I'm old.

I cannot tell you how excited I am to make these appointments. I'm so excited. It's crazy. I'm going to go to a physical therapist because I keep kinking my neck. I'm going to go, I'm going to get a physical. I haven't had a physical in a while. I'm probably going to get my shitter looked at because of what Chadwick Bozeman had to go through.

You know, younger and younger men are dying of colon cancer every day. So I'm going to get therapy. I mean, I'm going to do everything. I was on a phone call with my money manager today, and we're talking about my positions. I'm looking at all these wave lines. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm old.

Yeah. I got to say, it's kind of great. Okay, so Aisha and Ben are getting on. No, Alicia and Ben are getting on. And she says, what if I'm not good enough? And he says, you're passionate about cooking. It's fine. We get to Eddie with the mustache.

He was a late bloomer. And it turns out a bouquet of rugby dick. helped him get over or overcome his body image issues. And I say however you get over these things, just get over and feel proud to go for it. By the way, I'm sorry, I've lost my thought process for a second there. Did we already get to the point where Mike and Eddie have a little powwow over which co-worker they'd like to bang? No.

Oh, okay, because that is a custom. It's like the Holy Communion at church, but way more important. Yeah, kind of not, though, right? It's, well. You're saying it's a C. rat sacrament. Yeah, like it's like eating Jesus. Right. Okay. Got it. Next morning. Next morning. Jenna's starting off with quite a bossy tone. Oh, wait a minute. Sorry. We do get some C rat history from Eddie that I can mind a little. That's what I said. He's got a bouquet of rugby dicks and it made him

feel better about his own dick. Oh, sorry. Yeah. And where'd you go? Well, I had a couple notes here because I was like, where's the story? Dad drank too much. I was born with three toes and my body was weird looking. Yeah. No, none of that. Just. Well, that would have been a story. Yeah. But, you know, I mean, all men have gone through that. You know, I mean, I certainly did. You get in the locker room and you have these 13 year olds that have these seven inch penises and you're just like, what kind of fucking monster island am I walking into right now? Yeah. I have a cute, tiny little penis and I feel horrible about it, you know. Yeah. It's tough. It's tough. It's really tough. It's tough. So next morning. Next morning. Jen is bossy, but the ladies are on their way,

and we get to Alicia trying to cook eggs, a frittata in a stainless steel pan. One of my biggest pet peeves in life generally is not only the stainless steel pan, which I loathe immensely, but the collective culinary, cultural gaslighting around this kind. kind of cookery, okay? There are some of the worst things you could possibly have in a kitchen.

People swear by them. The reason this took place that she burnt the bottom of the frittata is because stainless steel fucking sucks. And in order to not have the eggs just stick and fucking, you have to rip them off and the whole thing's ruined is to turn the pan up to the sun's temperature in order so that things don't stick. If you cook meat, it just gets, you know, you know what I hate? Having to use barkeepers helper to clean pots and pans.

You don't want to do that, right? You want non-stick. I'd rather die of cancer when I'm older than use stainless steel for the rest of my life. So, Dylan, are you saying that this may have not been Alicia's fault? It's her fault for not knowing that that dish could not be executed in that kind of pain. Second question. Yeah. I like Alicia. I'm busted her balls a little bit here.

Does she make it through the season? No. I don't see a world where that takes place either. I'm sorry to say that. And we should also say, Ben didn't do that much better. He put it in a non-stick that was way too deep, and then it ripped the bottom out, and he tried to play it off like nothing bad happened,

and then flip the frittata, you know, bottom down, so you can't see the goring that took place beneath. Yeah. By the way, can I cut you a meanwhile here? Of course. Meanwhile, Captain Hot Pants takes a phone call from Heather Gay, which is one of those classy ladies from Salt Lake City that we're talking about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she says, hey, we're on our way.

And I hope you don't mind. I lied to TMZ and told him that you sat on my face and we messed around a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah, not even I sat on your face. You sat on my face. He's a giant guy. So, just backtracking a little bit.

after the frittata is massacred by Alicia she begins to get pretty teary-eyed and she's losing confidence and then she touches a plate and it's too hot and she starts to cry and she leaves the galley and this is mom, this is ski

you know, this is not the plate this reminds me that time I was going to make out with this girl named Tanna and I put my hand on the little HVAC thing in the backyard. It wasn't hot. that I said I burnt my hand. I had to go. I was just too scared to kiss a lady.

Wow. I was way too scared. The plates weren't that hot. This is mom. This is ski. Wow. Yeah. I know.

Because Ben touched him. He's like, they're not that bad. Okay. So, um, Jason, the ladies get there. And, um, as we get a call that they're on their way,

Joe gets a call. grandpa's dead. No. Or he's dying. He's one step closer to knowing. He's one step closer to... Unless he did something really bad in his life that we don't know about, which is possible. Then he's not going to heaven.

He's going to hell. Yeah. Oh, for sure. If you do like really bad shit, you'll go to hell. That's right. And everybody knows that. Like Kalen, Kailen's going to heaven. Can I say this?

I love people that have great relationships with their... Can you acknowledge that Kailen's going to heaven? Oh, yeah. He's a nice guy. I don't think he ever did anything bad. Yeah. I love, because this has happened a couple times on reality TV where you see, it's usually a girl, by the way, their grandparents are ill and they'll leave the reality TV show to go be with their

grandparents. I didn't have that kind of relationship, so I'm always in awe. And I wish I have that kind of relationship. Because it's like, wow, okay, you're a good human being and they must have been good human beings because you're, you know, really love each other. Yeah. There was some idiot on the real world like 10 years ago. His mother was dying and she's about to die and he wouldn't leave.

the real world. Yeah, I mean. And then she died. We have newspapers to deliver on camera. Yeah. And so she died while he was doing a stupid show. So this is an opportunity for all the barnacles out there to leave us five stars on Apple reviews. And in the comments, let us know, do you hate your family?

I think that's a really, really good idea. Five stars. And do you love your family or hate your family? Really good. And would you fly with your grandparents sick? Would you fly to go see them? Yeah. Okay.

Five stars, from Camau or wherever the fuck they are. That's right. That's right. All right. So cut to Lisa Barlow as this girl is like crying, dealing with her grandpa. She goes,

this is going to be insane. So she's going home. And this was great TV, but a little fucked up on production. Like you don't need to kill the grandpa to get the C-Rat off. Like just, you know, I don't know.

Anyways, they're getting dark. Jason starts off with, as we mentioned when we covered this, the first thing he said to them was, we're going to get you wet. Don't do that. That's fucking gross. So we do a little tour and we fight over beds.

And we find out that Whitney sleeps naked. Thoughts on sleeping naked. Only after you have sex. Okay. Yeah. I'm good with that. I always think, like, in terms of preparedness for, for Christ, I just, I don't want to be naked.

You don't? How about Vico Mortensen when he was in that film? Eastern Promises. Yeah, man, you can fight better. No, you can't fight better. You don't want people grab it onto your shirt. They can hold you down. What are they going to grab onto your wang?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good luck with that. A glancing blow if you're in jeans can be a glancing blow. You can be protected. If somebody, if there's a glancing blow with, let's say, a butterfly knife or a throwing star. I don't know what these criminals have, you know. I don't want to be a throwing star. Yeah. What are you on a 1980s movie? Well, you don't know what these criminals have. And, uh, you know, he hit me in my ball for a throwing star. Jesus Christ, man. Some of these, uh, some of these modern

criminals could be, you know, wising up to the fact that, uh, we have to go back to the more traditional ways of doing things. And maybe Shuriken is, um, you know, one of those, one of those answers. But I think more along the lines of earthquake. I mean, what if people need help? You have to run outside with your cat and your baby and your disgusting ass and your balls are out for all of your neighbors to see. All of a sudden, the door falls. You can't get inside again. And it's just, so scary. Fair enough. Yeah. I'm still in the emergency room with the doctor trying to pull a Chinese star out of my balls. Right, right, right. Yeah. Yeah. So anyway, so I'm so sorry about this episode and how it really has made not one lick a sense the entire time, pretty much. All right. So, um, we get to get to get to get.

lunch. He serves them some disgusting collection of Christina as a snack. It's like, Ben is my favorite. I'm so excited to get to Ben's cooking because it's so uninspired. It's so underwhelmed. It's, it's so fucking, it's like 2007, you know, but we'll get there. So we get to lunch, Ben and Alicia. I think that if she was in a better place, like I mentioned, the shit talking might be okay. She's so fragile. She's so vulnerable. So his shocking or his shit talking is just going to detonate her. But Brittany starts to talk about her 30 day break from Jared. And Barlow, this is why Barlow is one of the greats. She just says, he doesn't like you. He doesn't like you. And sometimes we need someone like that. Is this when they decide that it's a good idea to just

douse her with water every time that. Yeah, I think so. This was fun. Because, this is when she gets dows with water like that witch of the Wicked West. Yeah. But she doesn't die. She just gets more annoying. You're speaking of Elfaba? Yeah. Yeah.

So Bronwyn arrives in that outfit. Oh, yeah. Cady patty here. Sorry. Oh, yeah. It looks like a taxi threw up on a person. Yeah. Oh, for sure.

Real eyesore. Yeah. So the housewives just start to fly. lip out. Okay, they've got two stews in the housewives are going. Can you unpack our bags? Did you get, can you get Dr. Pepper for me? Can you clean this puke? I'm puking. And then we get to lunch, which is chicken tenders, sliders and curried lobster salad. Now, I'm, I don't spend a lot of the time in Utah. And by that, I mean, I've never been. But I would imagine that is, it's a bit of a culinary desert, okay? Sliders are not okay. Sliders are simply not okay.

Chicken tenders are simply not okay. That's okay at 1130 if we had dinner at seven. Oh, I thought you were going to say the bottom of the menu for the kids menu at Baba Gumbs. It's okay there, right? If you're at Universal Studios and you're at Universal Studios and you're sitting there with your family and you're miserable and you're seeing ice detain people in the middle of the theme park, you can get sliders and check attenders. Or if you're at a bowling alley, someplace more fun. But not here. It's like so nuts that you're in this tropical place and you don't start off the season with something like, I don't know, a savić, some kind of lechete de Tigray, something light, a salad that's seasonal, something, uh, something.

we're putting out fucking hockey puck burgers and chicken tenders. I think zero pots, Ben. Thank you. All right. So, Chef Adam and Chef Ben have a few things in common. They were almost, they started around the same time. They both hate people, which I think is bad if you're cooking for people. Yeah.

Ben did this on purpose. He's capable of way more. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think he despises these people. And he knew that they would accept this. and he did as little as possible. Yeah, it's like a fuck off kind of thing. So we get to the fight about the source of,

this is more housewife stuff. We break all this stuff down at Patreon. Yeah, go listen to that. Alicia at some point says she can make a cheesecake. And the second she said, I can make a cheesecake, I immediately knew that that was impossible. Okay. Now, I'm not saying,

I'm not saying that cheesecakes are the most difficult thing in the world. But, you know, a New York style requires a water bath. A basque style doesn't, but it's a delicate bake, you know. And Alicia can't make a frittata right now. Now, frittatas are challenging in their own right. It's a lot of egg. You know, you got to flip it. It's, it's challenging. But I was just overcome with doubt the second she said, I'll make a cheesecake. And it turns out that she did not include one of the most important things in a cheesecake, which is sugar. So essentially what she did was she made a that of...

Cream cheese. Sour cream. Yeah. Some vaguely lactic cheese liquid with no sweetener. So Ben is kind of flipping out here and going, I think we've got a big problem on our hands. I think that passion is a little too big of a word. but we get to dinner, which is barata salad with a picorino twill and some kind of tomato sauce on the bottom.

Now, this is, we go back to 2007, but it's a little bit refined. Okay. I'm good with a brule laid barata. I'm good with a twill laid atop. But, you know, this is, we didn't see the rest of the dinner. We'll talk about it in one second, but if we're just going off of appetizer, I mean, this is a 69 in appetizer as you possibly. I mean, this is, this is Ashley Simpson album kind of appetizing. Wow, we are 2007. All right. Where's Cabrera sitting there? Cabrera? This is a Ryan Cabrera

appetizer, okay? Spiky hair. Wow. I think Ashley Simpson was probably like 2003, 2003, 2004. Oh, no, no, no. I followed her career. 2007. Did you really? Wow. Wow, wow, wow. I loved the show. What was the show? I forget, but I watched both seasons. Yeah, it was really good. I love that show. She was moving out. Yeah.

You know, getting a house up on Valley Glen. Yeah, man. She lived right over here on Archdow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was really awesome. So we have a problem. We wrap the episode with Ben being really pissed off, that he's not getting time cues from.

the interior. And what the interior is trying to communicate to this, just queen of a man, is that they can't give them accurate information right now because the women are literally throwing glassware at one another. Okay? So that, okay, it's impossible to give you the information. we'll feed them when we feed them

and we'll see where we go with the rest of the season and my gosh, what a way to kick things off. You know, I think it actually was better than 48 pots. I'm going to give this episode 81 pots. It was pretty entertaining. Yeah, it was pretty entertaining. Get in the comments, let us know what you thought about the episode. We love you guys.

We're ready for another brand new season of this show. And until next time, I'm Dylan saying goodbye. Pat say goodbye. What it is? Kaylan.