Kill James Bond! - So Many Stains | Below Deck Sailing Yacht S4 E2

Episode Date: April 19, 2023

Dylan and Pat are back to break down Karens, DMs, mechanical issues, second opinions, Icegate, overly positive people, nice teeth, salami commercials, slithering, and even more from Bravo's Below Deck Sailing Yacht.Join us on Patreon at Patreon.com/AnotherPodcastNetwork for VanderPump Rules with Dylan's sister Ruby Wrenn every Saturday

Who doesn't like nice teeth? Well, it kind of goes without saying. Hey Pat, what gets your rocks off? Me? Well, I love fucked up teeth. Nothing turns me on like a set of teeth. So crooked you wonder how she chews properly. Right.

Oh, I'm chewing right now. Yeah. Watch out for this Alex character. He's pretty dumb. Do you know? Watch out for this Alex character. He's pretty dumb. Do you know?

Welcome aboard. Another Brands Bank new episode of another Below Deck podcast. My name is Dylan. I'm saddled up next to one, Patrick Hickey. Permission to come aboard. Granted. Kalen, producer Kalen, is over there behind my glasses. Good to be here.

Kalen's been taking a lot of shit on social media. Is right yeah people really can't stand the guy what i say back off you know what i mean i say bring it on well if you'd like to bring it on join us on facebook at another below deck podcast or join us on the bad tv facebook page we've got a lot of different places on the interwebs just come find us wherever you feel warm, wherever you feel safe, wherever you feel comfy, you can come and make fun of Kalen. Also, jump in the iTunes ratings

and reviews. There's more work to be done there. A lot more work. Five stars, kind words, and join us at patreon.com slash another podcast network. We've got Love is Blind network we've got love is blind uh we've got vanderpump rules with my sister and pat why don't you tell them about that tv well i was gonna add another podcast show don't forget about that where we break down this week with our

listeners uh our little journey actually at the live reunion so if you want to hear what that experience was it's only going to be up for 24 hours or 48 hours but get it while it's hot that's a circle of trust type thing we do not want to be sued by netflix and reed hastings so that's going to be for the 12 dollar or we we have decided but go to patreon.com that audio of our horrific recounting of what it was like being in the studio while netflix was crashing while the production trod out their cast three, four times, while the warm-up guy made us do a choreographed sing-along to Ain't No Mountain High Enough, the entire evening was absolutely fucking horrific, and we break the entire thing down. But the audio will be gone, because Netflix, we have not talked about this. We signed that confidentiality agreement, and we meant to sign it. Right.

In other business, head on over to a bad tv bad tv it's wherever you listen to your podcast spotify apple podcast get this if you love us and you love below deck just go over here here's what you get four free shows a week we cover life after lockup. We cover seeking sister, husband. This is too much smoke. Are you okay? Seeking brother, husband. Sorry. We cover, I'm getting high right now. We cover summer house.

And we cover, what's the other thing we cover? Oh, below deck. And we put that all over there on that one feed to make your life so much easier. You know, Dylan, I've been thinking lately, what's my real purpose on this planet at the end of the day? It's to provide escapism. You know, from all the horrible things that the world puts on us on any day you head over to that podcast you're not gonna

hear any politics not any bullshit we're just gonna give you mindless recaps of dumb shows what's better than that dill yeah no i uh it's so funny we're I was talking to my therapist the other day about my purpose, and we landed on my loved one's adoration and support is not enough. I need it from multitudes of people. How many is enough? I don't think ever. So, you know, I'm working on it. But the good news is we have a great episode of Below Deck to get into this evening

I believe we do now it was a difficult one to recap lots of bouncing around because it was not the most structured episode it involved sitting at the dock of the bay to quote the great Otis Redding

but let's is that the lyric? I don't think he, did he sing that? Or was that the guy who got killed by his father, Marvin Gaye? Did you know his dad killed him? Marvin Gaye's dad killed him? Yeah. Wow.

I didn't know that. Yeah. Wow. How'd he do it? Shot him. Wow. Sad. Kalen, what are your fucking pots, man?

Come on, man. Give them to us, man. A solid episode. First off, Colin, just being the hero. Gotta love that. There was good food. There was messy, annoying guests. And at the end of the episode, top it all off.

60 pots. Brief? Concise? Not that brief. Pat, how many pots? Okay, lots of thoughts here, lots of thoughts. All right, first off, I want to talk about the boat being broken down and not seaworthy. Now, I reached out to Karen, one of the charter guests, I guess the one that didn't want to tip, I think.

I really wanted to get Joel, I think her name is Joni on. And I asked Patrick when he did that, who would want to talk to her? Well, she's been pretty busy on Twitter today and also on Instagram posting photos of her dirty room, you know, and why it smelled like fish, you know. And I offered her twice, this is your opportunity to clear the air and right because we're going to call you a feral hog if you do not come on well nothing to do with weight or anything i mean the just the rooms were uh a disaster well i want look you don't want to come on that's your choice but this is the number one below deck podcast recap in the entire world. This would have been your forum or platform to clear the air. Instead, you chose to forego that and instead defend yourself with your 200 followers on Instagram.

Fine. Live your life. You know, it's so shocking. She probably just doesn't know how to use the app, so she hasn't seen the message. But if you are not paying attention to us, you know, it's so funny. Like, you know, things really happen on the DMs, lots of handshakes, lots of meetups, like lots of like, yeah, I'd love to come on the pod.

And it's cool. And the people that left you unread most often, I mean, Drake constantly leaves us unread, but it's the people who are completely irrelevant you know like the entirety of the first season of rock of love on vh1 they didn't write back to us no they pitched us on buying yachts that's right and ignored our communique to come on to the show so anyways these are your pods okay okay so i want to get into right off the bat here because i think it's worthy of discussion because it heavily it should be heavily debated among all

the lovers of this show what happens when the boat doesn't leave the dock right and i was thinking about this because you know if you want to attack karen for being having a messy room fair enough but it doesn't negate the issue that the boat has not left the dock and she's unhappy about it and i back her and her fellow uh guests on this think about if you are on this charter who loses who wins well i'll tell you who wins the person that owns the boat wins why is the person that owned the boat wins he doesn't have to expend any fuel expendable expensive things that go along typically. Pretty long pots, don't you think?

All right, hold on. When you're going to be in the service business, imagine if you only have to provide half the service, but you're charging the same price. The person that owns the boat wins. The crew wins because you're going to tip them anyway. It sucks because you've got to run around and wait on these people hand and foot

because there's nothing else to do. Fair enough. You know who else wins? Bravo! Below deck wins because it's so goddamn uncomfortable it makes great tv who loses who loses the paying charter guests they sit on a fucking dock at a rundown basically a version of the ramada inn it smells of avian feces and the shallow waters of bays. It's disgusting. If Karen had come on the show, I would have said, did you ask for your money back on day one?

Because I would have. But I don't get to ask that question now. Yeah. Because she refused to come on the show. All right. So anyway, other pieces. Will you fucking move it along? All right.

Oh, my God. All right. Let's talk about the show itself. There is a chink in Glenn's armor. You know, he's my favorite captain. I love him. Well, he's everybody's favorite captain. Okay.

But that move where he pulled Daisy into that impromptu charter review that Karen put on him, I thought that was wildly inappropriate and unprofessional. As a captain— I think you're really burying the lead. Inappropriate and unprofessional. I think you're really burying the lead. I would say that the chink in his armor is that he has a trail of blood and tears behind him that could be uncovered by any of the various investigative bodies that are hunting this man. He makes too much money for Bravo.

I would say that's his biggest chink. Okay. The second part of the show I loved was the tip. Pulling a daisy. I thought it was inappropriate. Totally. Okay. The second part of the show I loved was the tip. Pulling a daisy. I thought it was inappropriate. And the tip pulling was fascinating because we've never seen guests, how they work out, how they're going to pay the tip or whatever. Fascinating.

Joni, if you're a listener, hit me up. I know you're not a fan of Karen. Hit me up. We want to chat. All right. I love the episode. He just goes into Trump sometimes. No, no.

Then I love it. Call me, Karen. Okay. Then I love. Call me Karen. Okay. Then I love the episode where we get that ball of snakes and it was working like a froth at the surface of that hot tub. Sure. Yeah. Going to be a great season.

Good episode. True. Lots of bouncing around 90 knots. Yeah. You could kind of see like the pre-molt kind of come to the surface. You know, that kind of slippery stuff that keeps the scales ready to shed. That kind of shit was all over the place. But I fear as though it may be too much too soon.

Because all of the makeout sessions we saw in the trailer were tonight. So call it me and Larry. Or wary. Or wary. I'm not sure what the word is. They better not lie to us. we saw in the trailer were tonight. So Colin, me, Larry, or Wary, or Wary, I'm not sure what the word is. They better not lie to us. You know, Colin said he had a thruple going on there, so I better see a thruple or I'm going to be pissed.

Well, no, he's... What do you expect Colin to be doing? He's in the middle of... I'm just saying... Gary and Daisy, it's a flirty, crushy thing. It's not a threesome. We're not talking about threesomes. It's a flirty, crushy thing. It's not a threesome. We're not talking about threesomes. And the show is so much more than that. Patrick tonight,

we got to see the sea dog become the hero, perhaps of Bravo, but definitely of this entire franchise that we've always known him to be. I mean, franchise that we've always known him to be i mean the man saved the day by putting a crude band-aid on a very expensive piece of aquatic machinery which will combust in three episodes but because of that i actually didn't like this episode that much um there was a lot of mechanical stuff going on and while i do appreciate collins heroism we've talked about it before uh our main issue with the docking and undocking

is captain lee getting on like or captain sandy uh you know when the wind's pushing this way the bow slides this way and we have to get that starboard line tucked in and it's like this is what this is not what we're watching this for this isn't that geo this isn't discovery plus okay and also lee come on two pots yeah all right kick us off oh you want me to kick us off okay so the episode was called the worst vacation ever is there a little bit of a lull there? You're good. Mm-hmm. All right, so the show starts off with those quote-unquote engineers from the town, you

know? They say it's going to take at least two weeks to fix it. Dude, you can tell... Sorry, this mic stand is... Sorry. You can tell an hourly employee from a mile away. Oh, yeah. Union guys.

And listen, labor movements are important, okay? But, I mean, these fucking Sardinian chain smokers, they're just like, it's going to take us like, I mean, I don't know, six months to get this thing done. Six months? Sign this contract. Colin's seen it done in five days. And, by the way, a little caution out there.

Always get a second opinion because sometimes someone's opinion can- Oh, you're going to die. Well, I can't. That can't be it. I got to- Go get a second opinion because that doctor or that mechanic, whatever mood they're in that day, that could definitely play a part in whatever advice they're giving you. So you think the conveying of fatal diagnoses are at the whims of the doc? He's fighting with the wife that morning. You think so?

Yeah. Yeah. You're going to die. He reads a chart, gives you a clean bill of health, and he's just like, you know what? I just want to hurt somebody today. You look like my wife. You're going to die.

The bob cut really triggered doc. So we're going to need a full rebuild kit on a c30 dude okay so um we begin with some good news the engine's in great shape um what oh that was sarcastic it was a sarcastic note. The guests are doing fine at this point. One of them even recommends that they pull back on the espresso martinis. Now, I hope she was doing that to save her liver and not the sea rats, because the sea rats should only be doing espresso martini duty. Glenn heads out to give said guests their options for the rest of their vacation, which is $60,000 a day. Pat, what are those options?

Well, we can have a tender drive you over to a beach, or we can get you all in a van and drive you over to a beach. Yeah. Very practical solution. You guys can get the game board out and shut the fuck up. We'll keep running snacks up it's not a big deal i gotta go watch call and fix the engine now here's what i would have said if i was uh karen i said uh and we're getting our our our money back right yeah yeah because you know we could uh go hire a van and uh get a get ourselves to the beach for way less money than staying on a Ramada Inn.

Well, speaking of Ramada Inns, if I was on this boat, I would have been at a hotel yesterday. Ah, yeah. Get me out of here. The rooms are horror film-like in their smallness. It's a clown car. And you're being served by Sea Rats. And they are in their most sea ratty right now. It's the beginning of the season.

Everyone lied on their resume. They were working at fucking canes and now they're here. This is an unmitigated disaster. The guests can't wipe their ass. There's blood everywhere. The dishes aren't getting washed properly. They're vacationing on a dock.

Right. Get the fuck out of there. By the way, if you give me any pushback, Glenn, about me getting my money back as a vacationer, all right, here's what I'm going to do, sir. If you refuse to give me all my money back, I'm going to sue you, okay? And then you're going to say, well, read the contract. We said if it didn't leave the dock or some bullshit like that, you still owe us all the money. I go, all fine and well, but I'm still going to sue you. And I'm going to write mean

spirited, long winded reviews of you. And I'm going to ruin your entire business. So give me back that money. I don't know that that would work. I'll tell you what I would do. Kalen, we will not get to you next. Okay. Am I being too hard? On him, I think he's adhering himself to the audience. The bet only goes so far. The more you go after him, the more you're going to give him power, you know? Really? Yeah.

Interesting. This is what I would do. I'd go up to Glenn and I would go, listen, we'll stay on this boat. You will serve us your surf, your turf, and your poorly made espresso martinis. And after we are done here, I will tip your crew and I will extend my vacation by a fortnight. I will go under every loose door with a piece of plastic sticking out of it

and I will tug on it. And I will tug on it. And I will find your lair. I will find the bones. I will find the dried blood. I will find the DNA. And you will end this evil. And he would probably say, like, I don't know. What are you talking about?

I'm rambling now. I'm really, really scared. That room. That was another mistake Glenn made. He killed someone in that cabin. That's where all the fucking blood was there. Oh my God, I love that take. Just a theory.

I was so bad with my words there, but I'm really happy that that take came out of it. Okay, so let's move on. Okay, so Daisy's concerned about being a stew down because they're going to have that picnic party, and she's got to send somebody over there to be a bottle service girl or something like that and uh there's too many toilets and uh sheets covered in stains to clean on that boat you know right right right uh so we

get a little meanwhile here we head out to the tender post espresso martinis um evidently glenn is invited to dinner i don't know why why these graces are extended to these people. I mean, they're ruining your vacation. Well, you know, it's predominantly, you know, Gary's over in that hotel still there, still breathing into a pillow. You're never going to get well if you keep breathing into that pillow. No, no, no.

So Captain Glenn's like, you know, he's a little star power. You know, he's got a couple seasons under his belt. So why not, you know, if you're going to be stuck on a dock living in a Ramada Inn on the ocean, why not mix it up with some, you know, some C-list talent? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, he's going to have a great time at dinner. And Glenn knows how dire the situation is.

And one of his OTFs, he says, the guests are having less than the best time they could have. Understatement of the year. Hey, by the way, Glenn, once again, big mistake. Maybe you did this, maybe you didn't, but it wasn't on camera. At this point, don't you call the next people that plan on having their vacation on this goddamn boat? As far as you know, that boat ain't going anywhere. And I think you owe it to them to warn them like, hey, just so you know, here's a heads up.

You can still have a wonderful vacation. Yeah. But a little snafu. Yeah, if you're in this constant state of crack papering over, you know, it's not dissimilar to the Netflix's Love is Blind live experience. Very much so. Well, you call them, you go, hey.

You got to say that it's broken at some point. You have to tell people. We can't just sit here being made to sing karaoke songs by this fucking warm-up guy. I can't do it anymore. I'm going to go fucking crazy. You know, we got a story out of it, Dylan. Don't be negative.

So Glenn should be calling these people. He says, he goes, great news. Are you excited for the charter? You're going to be viewing the seas of Sardinia with a beautiful glass of champagne. Bad news, it's going to be from the fucking dock. Are we psyched?

Are we? Yeah, let's party. You're trying to always spin it positively. Sure. Yeah, I know. That's a masterclass in that. We get to IceGate next. Now, Glenn is for the first time unflappable, and I feel as though he's close to getting caught

because I think that his professional life is bleeding into this professional life. This is B-job. He's just more flappable than seasons pass. I don't see him waddling panicked about ice usually. No, but it's, you know, it's all encompassing. It's the boat won't start, you know? That's a little bit in the back of his mind.

I think it's what's affecting his demeanor throughout, you know? I've never seen him go off on a crew member like this before. Where's that ice? You don't think that they're getting close? Perhaps. Perhaps. So him and Daisy get into a little bit of a tiff. I don't know if it's tiff or tiff.

Too much pot. Daisy, poor Daisy, she takes the brunt of this stress. And Daisy is good at her job. Daisy's good at her job. I don't need to say anything insulting after that, right? I don't need to do that insulting after that right i don't need to do that well she likes gary that's her one fault i don't need to talk about how it's i don't i i don't need to say i don't need to say anything daisy's great at her job she put the ice on the

tender and glenn is really ripping into her for no goddamn reason i mean she knows that the ice is there and karen and her her pals were too hop up on Kahlua to recognize that it was right behind them the entire time. So we get to the beach. I think Lucky and what's his name? Chase. I don't know the names yet. Well, it's Chase and it's Lucky. But her name Lucky is spelled L-U-C-Y.

Odd way to spell Lucky. Big time. But they have been sent to do the beach setup the all-important um massive canvas for sea rat creativity yeah it is it's wonderful and blow out sales at um 99 cent stores now lucky says uh you know chase ain't that bad of a guy but he's one of these over-positive people. Now, he reminds me quite a bit of Culver. Do you remember Culver? I think his alias was Randy Savage or something else.

Absolutely. There are a couple of specific kinds of evil on this world, but, yeah. I definitely like them more than the people on the other end of that spectrum, which is our negative sons of bitches. You know, the ones that always got a problem with everything. Is he talking about me?

No, not at all. I feel like you're talking about me. No, they're just like, yeah, this, this sucks.

This isn't going to work out. I'm like, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, slow down. Well,

we have, we have Milwaukee and capitalists right at the top of the most evil. Then we have, well, probably racist and fascists right at the top of the most evil. Then we have, well, probably racists and fascists are at the top. But very close to the peak of evil are overly positive people. I mean, they're just some of the most annoying people on the planet. So I get why Lucky is very perturbed with this guy. She's standing next to true evil. What is this bit?

What is this bit? God, help me. I'll help you. It's shocking. All right, so we learned Colin has a very unorthodox plan to, I guess it's very convoluted, so I can't figure out how to explain it in words, but for me it sounded like, to use a car analogy,

this is Colin's plan, he's going to get someone to turn the key to the ignition, and then four people are going to push the car from behind out into the seat. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think. Right, right, right. Yeah, but it involves draining certain cylinders and whatnot. Yeah, so he's going to flood the engine with diesel,

dry everything out, and then shoot the diesel back out. And the kind of crusted over gas will burn up and almost kill everybody on board but right now it'll clean out the engine well the reason why we're even here is he has a lot of experience or at least a experience with water damaged engines back in the day he pulled a boat that had sank out of the water he rebuilt the engine and wouldn't you know it fucking blew up nearly killed a couple people i know so who would know about an engine uh whether or not it's going to explode or not trial and error would you go on a yacht if you weren't paying for anything absolutely bravo hit us up if you're listening we'll go i'll even pull together a tip

i'll tip 20 grand between like six people we'll'll go on that vacation. Are you not a little spooked out? Well, they definitely, one of their storylines would be- I don't like being out at sea in a boat. Here was my, I had a nightmare about this. I couldn't sleep. So Bravo hits us up. We talk to their PR at least once a week. And they say, look, guys, why don't you come on?

It'd be a great bit. We'll mention that you guys podcast about the show. And then one of the storylines will be like a crew member hearing us like talk shit about them on the podcast and then they'll talk about how terrible we are as people on the boat and that'll be a storyline that was your night that was your nightmare kind of yeah did you actually dream that i think so yeah and it was that sounds like more of a daydream well it was me making fun of how old lee is and what a loser he is and him getting pissed. And I think it's like whoever Chief Stew is, she's like, listen to this, Captain Lee.

Oh, that's what they have to say about me, do they now? Yeah, so that was like a violent delusion while you were stuck in traffic. I don't think you dreamed that. I don't think the unconscious mind would try to tell you something that trivial. My God. Fair enough. Okay. So, yes, this is when it gets very technical,

and it's just this kind of thing where it's like I'm just shocked that they didn't know that this was happening before the charter this season began. I mean, the fact that you have not done an ocular pat-down of really any of the machinery. I mean, maybe they did, but I don't know. I don't know how boats work. All right, so this is where we've seen, because look, these boats are extremely dangerous.

You can get your fucking arm ripped off, or if we've seen in a previous season, nearly drown or have, at the very worst, have your leg ripped off. Oh, and we saw all those guys catch all that fish and they couldn't get over that wave and then all of their wives who chain-smoked missed them for forever.

Perfect storm. What an oddly cast film. We got Clune Dog. Yep. We got Wahlberg. John C. Reilly. We got John C. Reilly. We got the black guy from The Edge.

And then we got someone's wife who that was a very odd choice for a wife because I believe those. Look at us. We can name the three white guys. How disgusting. We are disgusting. How disgusting. Forgive us.

Oh, my God. So, yeah. What the hell was I saying? So we go to the beach and um alex is starting to be asked about who he's catching vibes with he says brunettes with nice teeth now we skipped over a little bit but yes he says uh all he likes normally is uh brunettes with uh and that's a turn on and he also uh he likes nice teeth uh who doesn't like nice teeth well he kind of goes without saying like hey pat what gets your rocks off me well i love fucked up teeth nothing turns me on like a set of teeth so crooked you wonder

how she chews properly right oh i'm chewing right now yeah yeah watch out for this alex character he's pretty dumb do you know do you know what uh turns me on when i see somebody's teeth and i wonder how they don't cut their lips open when they chew um but he's he says that... Watch out for this Alex. He's pretty dumb. Turn on. Nice teeth. All right.

But, you know, however shared that quality is, i can't talk tonight he's willing to alter his standards because it looks as though while he is attracted to brunettes with nice teeth he's also attracted to every person on this anyone with a hoo-ha that's breathing on the boat that's a co-worker. Any one of them. I'm down with blonde girls with nice teeth, but all of the brown brunette. Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat. Gather your thoughts here. I'm going to do a meanwhile.

What a performance. Okay. Holy shit. All right. Meanwhile, interior talk shit about how messy the guest rooms are. Yeah. Meanwhile, a dinner menu is formed. And meanwhile, our chef has her first mishap with a blender. And the kitchen looks like the Jolly Green Giant just had a fucking bukkake party.

Why do you have to talk like that? That son of a bitch is supposed to be hawking peas. Have we really become a depraved nation with all this bukkake business? Whatever happened with normal sex, you sickos? What do nation with all this bukkake business? Whatever happened with normal sex, you sickos? What do you mean, all this bukkake business? It's everywhere. No. It's the craziest thing.

It's like anal and people spitting in each other's mouths. I thought it was just this fringe thing, but it's all I watch. It's everywhere um yeah so things in the kitchen are not going well uh lucky uh drops 40 flutes of champagne i mean she goes through almost their entire flute reserve uh and it's just such a beautiful metaphor for what's going on on this charter but i believe we have to begin prepping for dinner um oh uh after hours and hours of perseverance something else happens before that dinner prep yes our old salty sea dog after three seasons just walking around, first season he was a shoulder to cry on, second season he was a telephone guy, and now finally he has arrived to the apex of his purpose

and meaning on this planet. It's starting that goddamn engine and getting the Percival started! Well done, Colin. You finally have purpose, and you better pull off that fucking throuple or I'm going to be pissed at Bravo and all those puppets over there.

Can you cut the music, please? Faking like he's going to have sex with two women. Patrick, he's not going to have sex. You have to stop that. The disappointment is going to build and build and build. You have to let go of that because we're not going to have Colin having a threesome on the show.

But yeah, Ode to Joy. I mean, what a hero he was this episode. Again, though, it is a band-aid on someone that just got their arm chopped off. This boat is not seaworthy. They should not sell a second charter. You know that scene in Black Hawk Down where they're gooping into the guy's leg to try to sew together his femoral artery i believe so you it would be like if you just put like a big band-aid on that and the guy's like wait hang

on a second i'm gonna fucking die if you do that that's what we're doing to parse yeah right so um everyone is jazzed but there is a foreboding shot here. Smoke creeps out beneath the underbelly of Parsifal as though it's on the River Styx or something. There is something bad on the horizon. Let's get to dinner. What a bizarre dinner it was. First up, we've got cucumber gazpacho with olive oil pearls oh you can see the pearls in the green water yeah someone said that i think yeah no i and and i appreciate what that's driving at because

gazpachos are on the whole pretty revolting i don't think anybody needs a gazpacho of any sort, really. But it has to have at least a little texture. Strawberries and chilies and tomatoes. We've seen a lot of that on this show. But cucumber gazpacho, it seems like it's a garnish. It doesn't seem like anything that you would want to suck down an entire bowl of.

I mean, Patrick, would you not... Would you not knock this dish off the table? I absolutely would. And demand a turkey sandwich. I was disgusted by it. It looked like... As a kid, I used to drink this poison designed to kill children in America

called Ecto Cooler. It was a little play on Ghostbusters. It was essentially juice designed to make us dumber. Was it like Soylent? It looked like this gazpacho. Okay. I'm sure that was delicious, though. I don't know.

I think it made me dumber in my formidable years. Thank God I got smarter when I moved out to Los Angeles. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This city will really bring out the best in you. But also the olive oil pearls. We need not the tricks of gastronomy here. We need food. And also an olive oil drizzle on top of that will look just as delicious.

So while the first course is getting served, Lucky walks into something akin to what Glenn's processing rooms look like. I mean, there is just, there's blood, there's shit, there's makeup, there's clothes, nail beds. I mean, it's a goddamn nightmare. Yeah, yeah. And apparently it smells like someone left a dead fish under a pillow. Maybe someone's in the mob. You know what I mean?

I heard that's what they do to warn witnesses not to talk to the coppers. Yeah. Imagine if it was a horse's head, like in The Godfather. They just didn't show up. Well, they'll say, you'll sleep with the fishes or something. Or alternatively, someone should visit their gyno right away. Oh, Patrick. Perhaps a vagina transfer.

You can swap one of those out. I heard the Kardashians got a new one at some point. You can swap them out? Yeah, new technology. Well, I'm frustrated. Because it's silly to amount to defense against that, right? I'm being lulled into having to say, Patrick, I don't think that's right.

That's so dumb. New technology. All right. So why is everybody bleeding? What's going on with the blood? Maybe it's a nose. I just provided two possible answers. Stop!

All right, so they speak of getting buck. I want to get there, but let's not blow our load. Second course is a quite revolting-sounding tuna and Parmesan taco dish. Cheese and fish, a not so cardinal rule that can only be broken with the lucidity and touch of a master. I've not seen enough of her food, but I don't know that tuna in a Parmesan crisp sounds very appetizing. Pat, you would obviously swipe this off the table and say,

get me a pinot grigio. I'll eat not another two pieces of bread. You're speaking my language, Dylan. You know me well enough. That's the wonderful thing about being friends. You know how the other person would behave. I wouldn't touch this thing with a 10-foot pole. You know what else you wouldn't touch with a 10-foot pole?

What? A doctor's office. It's true. Unbelievable. You know, the fans are getting concerned about your health. Well, you know, first I want to say this. Hey, Kalen. Hey.

You work with me a lot, right? Every week. Do I ever cough with you ever in your room? Never. Does my throat sound like this? Never. I think Dylan's trying to kill me in the studio. ever cough with you ever in your room never does my throat sound like this never i think dylan's trying to kill me in the studio so the next course steak and prawns with truffle butter uh rounds us

out also known as surf and turf our first of the season i think we should get a counter going maybe an over under i would probably set it at seven seven so we got got I'd say we have eight charters in a season. Something around there. Two to three. That's a 90%. Yeah. I think we're going to get there. Yeah. I think we're going to see it a little bit less than seven times.

But anyways, 21. No, that's too low. That's too low. 54. I will say service went off without a hitch though there wasn't a lot of delays or at least i don't think there was well at some point not true she was uh not sure about the construction of the surf and turf where to wedge the mound of truffle butter underneath she was struggling with that and it shocked her because she has a background in fine dining and that details are important to her so she's not sure how this threw her so much

but you know some of these timelines just don't add up i mean these people are 20 28 to 35 been working in fine dining for what you said you've been on the the ocean for like eight years because you like working in the element so i mean how much fine dining experience because yeah my god she started when she was eight you know yeah all right next morning breakfast you have any thoughts on that dylan uh quite beautiful actually they really turned it around ham and cheese crepe that's a lovely way to start off a day. A lovely way to start off a day. I love that the crepes were not buckwheat either. Nobody wants that shit.

I don't either. Hey, you know, we get another positive test for poor Gary, you know? Well, I mean, he's sleeping on the same fucking pillow. Yeah, I'm telling you, someone has to let that doctor know, stop testing testing you're testing

for the wrong disease that starts with c gary could be in that hotel room till the next fucking avatar movie comes out the man has chlamydia okay um when is the new avatar movie coming out probably three years you know you can't wait too long in between stuff i mean people just kind of fall out of love with it i'm not saying that that's what happened to sys's record but it had been a long time since control so it just didn't i mean it's a great record but i mean avatar well i mean it's like an entirely new property yeah well it made like two billion dollars so i think they're doing all right but i have to tell you i'm about a quarter way through that thing i don't think i'm going back. Yeah, well, you don't like good things,

so you should just turn on some sad oxygen show about fat people. That's probably better than James Cameron's second or third opus. Okay, so let's get to the tip and the storm beforehand. All right, so the guests have a little powwow on who's going to share the bad news to Glenn. And I believe it's Karen and her friend that delivers the news. No TP, no bath mats, no towels,

trash left in the rooms. And how about burying the lead? They didn't leave the fucking doc. They didn't even mention that part to him. I'd start with that. Yeah. You can tell Karen's not great with confrontation because this seemed to be an encounter

that they were hopping themselves up for, at least Karen was. And listen, you know, we've been there before. Like, you know, this guy just cut the line. I got to, you know, get know get ready i gotta go talk to a manager i gotta go be a karen you know sometimes it's a little nerve-wracking but she starts crying and having a panic attack right out of the gate um puts her sunglasses on to hide the redness and delivers a criticism of the vacation that as you mentioned was i thought a little soft-handed and

the tip well hold on there hold the, hold on there. Hold the tip. Hold on there, Dil. Because while they're doing this, we cut to Joni and the other guests, Mary Lynn. Guys, hit me up. I want to hear your side of the story. And they agree.

Hey, Garrett. I think one of them says they're over there saying that to Glenn and they don't want a tip. So then it's decided by the remaining charter guests that they need to start digging a little deeper in that purse so that they don't come off in bravo lore as one of the cheap tippers

you know i mean that is the advantage of having a bag because i don't you turn to me you go hey we need more cash that's i can't fit that much cash in here i got i got 13 dollars i mean where you put but you're pulling out four grand in cash? Well, if you're going on one of these vacations, you've got to bring a bunch of cash to these vacations, you know? Yeah, so the tip, luckily,

was saved by the good nature and the appreciation for the staff from the Nices. Because they have to keep in mind, it's not the crew's fault. Your contention is with that captain and or the owner of the boat or Bravo

and not the poor staff running around waiting on you, hand and foot. I tuned out. I didn't hear what you said. I was saying my... I just lost focus. Basically bookending my initial thoughts at the top of the show.

It's really not the crew's fault that this vacation kind of sucks, except for the trash bins. The blood. Well, that wasn't their fault. Shit stains. But really, it's Captain Glenn's fault because he was out having way too much of a good time

and should have checked the engine. One of the points I was going to make is sometimes hopefully you finally saw Glenn in his commercial debut. He's actually on commercials on the show such a bizarre commercial he sets up like a salami platter for himself via doordash i mean it's just there are creatives in hollywood that i don't know i'll kill that bastard i don't know how they have jobs i mean it's just well but the point is that's how an engine doesn't work when you show up to a goddamn TV show.

The guy's got his fucking head elsewhere. Right. You're still a captain of a vessel, kind of, fake TV captain, and you've got to make sure everything's running. He's talking to his agent at ICM. Did you call Captain Glenn a fake TV captain? Well, look, dude, the engine didn't work on your first charter. You're too busy

with your agent over there at ICM talking about salami deals. Right, right. You got to still do your job. He's got his eye not on the ball. Right. Okay. Want to get to the sea rats going out?

Oh, it's 19K, by the way, 21.5 each. No fanfare at all. Our first tip of the season and it's just no fanfare at all from Our first tip of the season, and it's just no fanfare at all from you. Well, I kind of felt like we need to move on. All right, so let's get to slithering,

the hissing, and the drinking. The Z-Rats head out for a night out. They sit down to a dinner you know it's it's fascinating how shit-faced uh they can get at dinner tables i get a bar and listen i'll i'll get fucked up at a dinner i sit down to a dinner for three hours it rarely happens um but you know i'll i'll talk a couple uh tip a couple back but they it feels like we've been in the bubble with this crew for a while. They just don't go out to clubs as much as they used to on the show.

So they'll just sit down at a dinner and turn it into a boat race between the three guys. I mean, they start fucking chugging beers, racing each other. Obviously, the Sea Dog wins that contest. Sit down, Padawans sit down you guys were working at rei last week okay this is a sea dog but everybody gets nice and lubed up daisy's getting thrown in a shopping cart like a bag of plastic bottles and they are wheeled back to the boat and this is where the molting and the shedding begins they get in the jacuzzi sea dog takes the night off he knows that tomorrow he he knows that young soldier's still bleeding down his face is turning ever wider by the minute. There's a fucking band-aid on his rib cage.

Yeah. On his rib cage. He's bleeding out, man. But the rest of the crew stays up. They're slithering. They're sucking. And there's obviously, because we are in a stage of arrested development, a game of truth or dare. Now, let me tell you something, Chase, is what a great entertainment director he is.

Because once him and Alex kind of figure out who wants who and they play Ode to Joy, please. Oh, yeah. I'll talk over it. It's actually pretty magnificent and diabolical. He goes, hey, Alex, which one do you want? I don't know. Fuck any of them. Oh, great. Oh, God. do you want? He's like, I don't know. I'll fuck any of them. Oh, great.

Oh, God. I think he said that, and then they beeped it. He says, all right. He taps Alex on the back. He says, I got this. I got this. How about a game of truth or dare? Alex raises his hand very quickly.

Me, I'll dare, dare. All right, fucking stick your tongue down, Daisy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, all right. This is going great. Okay, all right. Fucking stick your tongue down that other blonde girl's turn it off hey all right start fucking it is funny that well i feel like who's the guy that gave uh danny a c-rat baby

like that jolly green giant guy with giantism idiot i forget his name yeah yeah he had like the 10 commandments on his back or something. I said, Daddy, you want to come on the show? She said, I love you. I'd love to. I said, great. Come on Wednesday. She goes, hey, by the way, I can't talk about the baby daddy.

I said, can't have you on. That's what we want to ask you about. Can't have you on. I love you. I love you. I have a crush on you, but I can't have you on. Okay, Patrick. Well, I mean, she's a mother.

Come on, man. Okay, Patrick. Well, I mean, she's a mother. Come on, man. So I feel like he is a kind of version of that. I mean, Lucky says he's way too American for me, and that's exactly what he is. But he does.

He's like, anybody want to play truth or dare? And his buddy's like, yeah, dare me. Dares him to hook up with a girl, and he's like, okay, who's next? He goes, I want to go again and he just gives him gives him another dare the girls are like wait what's going on they're just making out pouring champagne into each other's mouth it is a ball of snakes kind of moment and the seasons need at least one of these moments you know this is the problem with below deck adventure all those dorks were too dorky to ever get lubed up like this. Have a good time.

I agree. My God. I think that's the end of the episode. That's totally the end of the episode. All right, guys. I am very apologetic for my high mouth tonight. I thought you did great. Got lost in a couple bits there, but we love you guys for listening so much.

Jump in the iTunes ratings and reviews. Leave five stars. Kind words. there but we love you guys for listening so much jump in the iTunes ratings reviews leave five stars kind words join us on patreon for ad-free episodes uncensored every episodes every once in a while tonight got pretty hairy tonight got pretty hairy what with Pat talking about swapping out vaginas and screaming chlamydia and stuff like that but I think that we're gonna wait for some more unsavory speak, but there's lots of good stuff at Patreon. Go there. Join us on YouTube at badtea.v.

Instagram, everywhere. We love you. I'm Dylan saying goodbye. Pat, say goodbye. Bye, guys. Bye-bye. Thank you.