Kill James Bond! - The Importance of Protein | Below Deck Down Under S2 E12

Episode Date: August 30, 2023

Dylan and Pat are back to breakdown plagiarism, missing fingers, loud motorcycles, medallions, truth or dare, archetypes, seafood, budgies, blenders, and much more from Bravo’s Below Deck Down Under. Ad Free and Uncensored at Patreon.com/AnotherPodcastNetworkYoutube at https://www.youtube.com/@BadT.V.Instagram at https://www.instagram.com/badtvpodcast/Facebook Group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/anotherbachelorpodcast/

Yeah, yeah, yeah. JWoww, he emits truth serum. Yeah, I agree with you because, you know, when he got pissed off about how sandy the boat was and stuff like that, I thought it was weird how Culver was like, you should see the boat that we used out in Baltimore when I killed two guys. I ran him over. I was drunk. I was trying to hook up with this girl, and me and Keane buried him out in the Chesapeake bay welcome aboard another brand spanking new episode of another below deck podcast my name is dylan i'm saddled up next to one, Patrick Hickey.

Hey, great to be here. Permission to come aboard. Granted, Kalen. Hi. Not it? Yeah. What do you expect out of it? Hi! Great to be here.

Me and Pat are at odds right now because we just recorded an episode of Bad TV. Go over there. And I just lost my mind. I was talking about hunting deaf people. It was contextually appropriate, but I was also going off on the late McDonald's parfait, and Pat's really pissed off right now. I am not upset at all.

Look, this is how we create, Dylan. But it's a great episode that we lay down. Head on over to Bad TV and listen to our coverage of Before the 90 Day and Flavor of Love Season 2. We're just wrapping up Flavor of Love Season 2. And all I was saying about hunting deaf people is that it would be easy. Right. And that's not – I'm not saying that I would do it. It's just – you know, anyways.

I'm a little heated tonight you're still heated yeah you know why why is that butterball butterball captain lego head butter boy captain lego head himself um we have a fantastic episode to get into tonight. The season is firing on all cylinders. Somebody's going to die tonight. I mean, likely not. But what do you think happened to that guy? What guy? What are you talking about?

At the end of the second episode. The end of the second episode. Something happened? Someone almost died? I don't remember i don't remember i know the silence isn't good for audio but i am that's but i am that's

why focus on the end of the show when we have a sociopath serial killer that's working on the boat that's attempting a mass suicide to kill everybody on the boat what are you talking about you're talking about adam yeah now you're doing a joke that is a confusing joke i'm talking about something that actually happened on the show that you being someone who covers the show should know. A guy seized and started drooling on himself at dinner. How do you not? What? Oh. Dylan, that's in the next goddamn episode.

No, I know, but I'm just saying. Don't bring it up. That's in the next episode, you jackass. We have a boat that could possibly go down. And then you have another guy who's a serial killer., and I quote, he crisscrossed his training. All right. I'm Charter Gas Paul. One minute you're drinking a goddamn margarita with salt around it.

That's delightful. The next thing you're fucking in the ocean. Right. Right? With a bunch of other paying customers. What did I say? I told you he was pissed. And then I go, hey, is Adam your name? I'm Char of other paying customers. What did I say? I told you he was pissed. And then I go, hey,

is Adam your name? I'm a charter guest, Paul here. Hey, what you did was very wrong, Adam. I was drinking a margarita five minutes ago, and now I have one leg. Because a shark just ate it off, you fucking moron. Very unprofessional. Very unprofessional.

A shark ate it off? He ate my leg. Okay. So he survived the cataclysmic folding of the vessel as though it is in some kind of pressurized vacuum. That's what the anchor would have done, had it grabbed a piece of super strong coral or something like that. And then when he was in the water, a shark ate his leg off. Yeah. And I was just drinking a margarita.

Now I'm pissed. Right, right, right. I got one leg you know to be fair to you if a shark ate my leg off i would be pissed yeah yeah yeah but listen let's not get ahead of ourselves okay let's talk about this specific episode exactly but i do have to say even though the guy almost dying in the second episode happened in the second episode for you to be sandra bullock blindsided by that piece of information is fucking insane psa's we have an interview with a sea rat a very famous sea rat

infamous sea rat i should say We're not going to say the name because they don't show up. Right. But it's supposed to be Adrian from season one. Okay. So go to patreon.com and I know many of you are like, I don't want to hear more from her. Listen, I don't want to hear from her either. But kidding. Can't wait to talk to you.

But just trust that we will, you know, we will ask the questions. She's going to recap an episode that's titled, I'm living with the devil, referring to her as the devil. She's going to be brave and come on and make hay out of an episode titled, I'm living with the devil. And it's referring to her.

Yes. Yeah. So it should be fun. She said, when I said, hey, can we recap this? She said, well, that's not my favorite episode. I'd be like to her. Yes. Yeah, so it should be fun. She said when I said, hey, can we recap this? She said, well, that's not my favorite episode. I'd be like, obviously. Yeah, I wonder why. So go to Patreon to hear that.

But we have to get into episode one of this week's offering of Below Deck Down Under on Peacock.com. Did you want to give your thoughts or did you give your thoughts and nods? Let's have Kalen go first okay i thought it was okay it was fine but not super great i gave it 40 knots what do you want heroin right now could you be less interested in this my god man patrick go ahead okay uh i hate to hit someone hard over the head you know i don't know culver as a person but how he's presenting himself on these episodes uh i really dislike him uh you know him as a person possibly yeah you know well i've i've compared him to a golden retrieved wrapped up as a golden retriever but a douchebag is really there i think it's a i think it's a disservice to golden retrievers which is an overbred and inbred animal,

but they're great dogs. Culver is not. I don't know what breed he is. Did you know that a fan tracked down that whole character or persona that he created? He just copied from... Oh! You go ahead. I want to find the fan that dropped this

because this is an important thing to get across. And it's one of those obvious epiphanies. It was hiding in plain sight, but it's very important. Okay. And this says something about him. So what's the name of his dumb character? Keith Stone. Keith Stone. He wasn't even original enough to come up with his own version of Keith Stone. He completely ripped that off from a beer commercial like 12 years ago, and he's doing Keith Stone. And I thought that was the one redeeming part

of his character is that he had created this fun-loving, white trash, Joe Dirt type of character. Right. And that was kind of fun. And now that I know that that's not even an original thing, now I'm just left with a douchebag douchebag it's plagiarism it's dumb plagiarism uh and it was uh baby barnacle and top contributor ben thank you very much what did he say about he basically just said he stole it from him yeah he dropped a picture of the guy and and

i do remember that uh it was buried in in our subconscious minds as though it was not important. But when you see Culver, you know, fraudulently masquerading as a character that we all know and love, Keith Stone, it has to be said. And adding further tapestry or further grossness to the tapestry that is Culver. Go ahead. I was going to say I did enjoy that we were going to get our first original dinner themed thing with the, I forget what it was called, but it's something about the sixties and Palm Springs and kind of how the,

how people dressed at that time in that period. But I would give everybody an F for not in fact looking anything like that photo that they were shooting for. Oh yeah. But I was sorry to say, once again, sorry to see angry Adam go. But I mean, if you're comparing the two,

Culver is an absolute douchebag, and we'd like to see him hand in his walking papers. But Adam attempted to kill everyone. So I think Captain Hot Pants made the right choice there. 50 dots. So Culver continues to be, he's a little bit of an enigma, not with her career and decided to overwhelm him with, I don't even want to say love, because love is letting your child fail, letting your child learn, letting your child fail and learn about life you learn

from failure they did not do that with culver culver is culver's been in a padded ball pit his entire life that's why he is the way he is but he's providing a lot of entertainment because why pat yours it's always fun to hate someone it's always fun to hate somebody and culver has really had quite the arc on this show he has somehow you know it's like if the king went away on some kind of mission and then the uh the round table were left to rule the kingdom and and there was some kind of... I'm going to abandon it, but he has no right being as prominent as he is on this show,

but it's kind of a beautiful little wrinkle. But one note to the people of Bravo and of the production at Below Deck, and I know that you're listening. Please, God, stop showing him, period. But the eating thing specifically, I don't want to see him talking about Keem's food. I don't want to see him eating as much

as he... You know Ray Gunn? Yeah, the superpower. Was it a... She was on Med. She was a Street Fighter character and her superpower was that she smoked. And she wins.

She's a cheat code. She smoked like she was on Dr. Trupinski's Celebrity Rehab. Because, you know, what was it, Adler? Steven Adler, the drummer for Guns N' Roses. Yeah, he just smoked constantly. That's what Ray Guns smoked like. Culver's eating breaks are like a fucking Paul mall addict that is punching the clock, but only there for half the day because they're sucking down a carton a day. It is crazy

how much this guy eats. I'm not I'm not sure what episode it was in when he has his blender freak out. I don't know if it was episode one or two. I think it's the next one. But that goes to show you what this kind of Frankenstein food industry has done to our chemicals, our brain chemicals, because he's going through withdrawals when he does not have food. And I will point out,

thank you, Bravo, because I believe by these multiple edit cuts towards him doing this is trying to exhibit how fucking lazy he is yeah um so yeah 100 so um also it does need to be said joao is not completely turned around or's redemption because my god does he look like dare i say a christ-like figure next to culver you know i mean it's unbelievable i love this first episode 90 pot nice so today's episode is brought to you by a wonderful company. Pat, what is it? Little Spoon.

We've talked about this ad before. It is an unbelievable company. Absolutely. Unbelievable company. How is Ellie liking the food? She loves it. She eats too many of their little squeeze packets. Yeah.

All natural organic fruit. I think I let her have four yesterday. Yeah. My wife said, ease off on that. Even though it's completely healthy, she's addicted to them. Yeah, and so are we. I've been microwaving some of these things.

They're unbelievably good. I have too. I shouldn't. They're for kids. They're for kids, but they are delicious. Most of the baby and kids food in the grocery store is heavily processed. That's how they get it to be on the shelf that long.

Yep. It's shelf longer than your little one has been in this world not cool not at all uh the quality and uh the the quality and nutrition for our kids is important they're the future oh absolutely and also it's just the ease of the preparation of the meals they come in these wonderful little flat plates that can be stacked on each other in the refrigerator. And you put them in the microwave for two or three minutes, and then boom, a full meal is there for you. It's craveable foods kids love, ingredients and nutrition parents want. It's high protein, veggie-packed, and low sodium. Did we mention that it comes right to your door? So flexible,

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we called him uh angry adam i think he's anarchy at him. This guy's... He wants everyone dead. He has let the anchor go while the goddamn yacht is flying at 50 miles an hour. And everyone is going to die. The Christopher Nolan drops are playing. And we're not sure if this is going to be one of those things where you saw the trailer for Barbarian, and you didn't know what it was about,

and we saw the trailer for Below Deck, and they kept it quiet that everyone on this season died. But alas, that didn't happen. No, no. Luckily for Adam. Yeah. Joao jumped in there and stopped that anchor from going down there yeah it really terrifying to have like that heavy metal flying down there like 100 miles an hour it could rip off and fucking uh do someone do some skull damage you know but uh you know it uh captain hot pants had said said that that chain could fly off and it could hurt someone, you know?

Well, yeah, he said that he saw a guy in the Philippines get laid out on a boat. He said he's seen a couple people die, like six, I think. Yeah, and it's interesting that he left out that he's the one that did it. He was there. I don't think he was on vacation when that chain let go you know uh all right he's good looking dylan the guests are none the wiser they're sucking down margaritas they show that one guy paul it's one of these things where the editors listen i know that we do a podcast i know that people passively watch these things while they eat on crustables and

drink wine but you can't show the same shot of a guy drinking a margarita like five times. I mean, it's an insult to the brains of the American audience and the New Zealand and Australian audience because this show is very popular everywhere. Well, they don't die. And that's when Kermit goes over to the guests and she asks him, how do you guys all know each other?

My wife said, I think that's an inappropriate question. I think it's small talk. But she said that she loves their camaraderie because they're comfortable with busting each other's balls. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I love that too. I really miss when I came home from my freshman year of college and I gained 25 pounds, and my best friend Sully said, hey, we're going to call you No-Neck because you've got a double chin now, too. I really miss when I came home from my freshman year of college and I gained 25 pounds, and my best friend Sully said,

hey, we're going to call you No-Neck because you've got a double chin now, fatty. You have real friends when they can say horrible things to you. Yeah, sure. And if I could talk to Sully, I would say, because of that one comment, that one slip of the tongue, how old were you at the time? I had to be 19. 19.

19. 50 years of anorexia would ensue. So they pour pina coladas, and one is way under. The meniscus of the beverage is way under the other ones. And Jermay, a private school girl, says, pretty good. It's just like that kind of thing where if it happened at a restaurant, you would just be like, is someone doing bath

salts? How is this okay? Angry Adam turns pretty angry. He slams his door. And I completely understand understand he gets into a fight with the door we've all been there inanimate objects can spring to life and mock you at your darkest hour and they should be killed for it you know um they show yeah i was gonna say captain hot pants he's up in that uh that deck there and yeah he's perplexed because he's beginning to lose his fucking mind

at the incompetence he's surrounded himself with. Sure. And he says, you know, given the fact that he's seen people die over this mistake, Jason saying that could be someone's finger is a little understated. I mean, if you're trying to drive the point of that this is a safety concern, I mean, sure, somebody's finger getting ripped off is absolutely horrible. Always go for the head.

Someone could have lost their head. Oh, yeah. Or a leg because of a shark bite. But that is kind of too obvious, right? If you say it could be somebody's finger, then Joao's thinking about shaking hands with somebody like, oh, God, what does that feel like? My father-in-law's missing two fingers.

It's weird shaking his hand. I don't want to tell him. But I definitely always go for the other hand for the shake, you know? You go for the other hand? I go for the other hand. I pretend I'm lefty. Yeah.

Do you think that that is working? He's fallen for it a couple of times. My grandfather actually, really sad story, had a mutilated hand. He burnt it as a child. It always happens when they're kids. Yeah.

Not a lot of parental guidance back then. Kids were losing all sorts of fucking fingers. Yeah. And you think what with the lack of mental health awareness and stuff like that you know when you're branded a quasimodo kind of character back in the 1930s you know it can really derail your life and before you know it you're sucking down a glass of vodka before 9 a.m yikes you know familial patterns of pain are tough to get out from under yes you know and they uh so and they all start with hey look at me i got an m80 boom oh yeah yeah yeah oh my god right right right right he just blew his goddamn hand

the the risk reward of the m80 is a little out of balance i think poor bastard and it's so loud i can't stand loud things there's a lot of the coffee shop the other day this guy's got his chopper one of these old guys he's he doesn't know what to do he doesn't want to fuck his wife anymore so he buys a harley davidson right he's packing the thing into a parking spot, and it's... And I'm like, I turn around like a passive-aggressive coward numerous times, like, would you just park your fucking bike, please? The guy gets off.

He couldn't be sweeter. He's mixing it up. He's asking the people about their kids, and it was crazy to see this facade of a nice old man covering up the fact that this guy is a narcissist scumbag who's literally driving around on an M80 with two wheels. I was with my daughter and a motorcycle went by and she got scared because there was...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't do that, you jerks. Public service announcement. Biden, if you're listening or whoever is in charge, let's come up with a program. Anybody that buys one of these very, very loud vehicles, let's have a trap door at the dealership and you can sort out what to do with them after.

Let's get back to the show. The next one could be someone's finger. That's where we got. That's where we started. So Joao doesn't want Adam to get fired because they both got the shit beat out of them when they were kids. But to be fair to Joao and to Adam, well, to be fair to Adam, he had a party animal rapist first. And then he had Butterball after that. So he's not really he hasn't been set up to succeed.

No, no, no, no no no you know no no no i love how jay wow joel went got his back on this uh joel posted today i love how these sea rats they can post their very very long instagram explanations for the episode i guess joel got some heat for not working enough with captain hot pants to save adam's job. And Joao's like, they edited all that out. He said, I was in there for a very long time trying to make the case for this. Oh, and also, would you people stop? What are you going to go to a boss and tell him how to do it? You know, this is just not how it's done.

Somebody gets caught with cocaine at their desk, but he's a good trader. You know, what are you going to do? They're going to get fired. Keep them around. Because Wall Street is not cool anymore. So the guests head out for a little dive. Well, I was going to say Hair Bear, or Harry,

but it's actually called Hair Bear now. He's now been put in the friend zone, so he knows he's going to take a step back, and I just have to say this to you, Harry. Good move. No. I think he takes it a little too far. You don't need to be cold. You don't need to be vindictive in the friend zone.

But Harry's heartbroken. And Harry is a sweet, sweet little squirt. And I love Harry. I love so many people on this cast. I think it's such a great season of this show. So meanwhile. Meanwhile. Margot lifts things things culver eats the

guests get um limbered up and we head out for a little dive which takes place on a reclaimed pirate vessel i think did you see that boat yeah so this is cool um you know diving underneath the water and stuff like that yeah they were real scuba diving yeah absolutely but we've talked about it before it's i wouldn't go skydiving not because of the fear of death you have somebody attached to you and that one woman fell from like 26 000 feet and she lived you have to land in like marshland and you'll break every bone in your body you'll have internal bleeding but you'll survive so i'm not scared about that it's the paperwork it's sitting in the classroom it's everybody pay attention you have to do the same thing with scuba it's just like it's not worth it can we just drink and go down the slide take a nap and then eat whatever insane concoction serena has come up with by the evening. Speaking of Serena.

And also, the coral looks like brains. Yeah. It's really unsettling. Some of them are called brains, by the way. Oh, God. They say it in Latin, but it means brains, because they do look like brains. Margo, I'm going to do a meanwhile here,

very much like Serena did with JWoww earlier. She tells, for some reason, she says, says hey zarina had told me that uh she wanted to punch you in the face oh yeah yeah and i'm like does this jwoww character yeah emit like truth serum because people are yeah yeah they're admitting wild things to him that are wildly inappropriate earlier that day culver uh went up to him he said i have wrinkly balls and he said that for no reason other than he said, my balls look like they were dried out at a raisin farm. And I'm like, wow.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. JWoww, he emits truth serum. Yeah, I agree with you because, you know, when he got pissed off about how sandy the boat was and stuff like that, I thought it was weird how Colver was like, you should see the boat that we used out in Baltimore when I killed two guys.

I ran him over. I was drunk. I was trying to hook up with this girl, and me and Keem buried him out in the Chesapeake Bay. Jesus Christ, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You did that. And they edited out Joao telling Jason that. He's like, I think we got a fucking murderer on our hands.

And he's like, well, bud, I'm worried about the safety. They edited that out. Let's move on to the guests getting back from travel and we get ready for dinner what in god's name is this theme slim andrews what it's it's laurel canyon australian 70s chic coke chic i guess so there's a name for it. I didn't catch it, though. But I will say this. The sea rats are despondent when they get this request because you can't find this shit at a 99-cent store. No. There's nothing even close to this you can pull off anything.

No, this is beautiful vintage clothing. One of our fans posted a picture of it in the Facebook group, and this was where I want to be. This is when the cocaine was good. It didn't have any fentanyl in it. You were drinking martinis, having unprotected sex. Oh, yes. You know?

Sexual revolution. Kind of. You know what's so crazy? you kind of, you jump up in self-realization and ego growth when you go through puberty because there's so much going on in your body, like your balls and your vaginas and your periods and your boobs and stuff.

Okay. And it's all about you. You're like, whoa, I am become whole. You know what I mean? Sure. And then you turn that into, you know know you're sucking down coke and you're you're blowing you know flag this let's cut this out probably let's move on to uh a meeting at the bridge adam is brought up he is dressed down and it is is very, very serious. But I could not really focus on the subject matter of the conversation because the medallion cradled atop of Joao's collarbone is one of those things that is just a red flag. I know that it's different culturally, but we've talked about this before.

These people are always weirdos that have these never-ending story medallions on necklaces. You know what I mean? I think I remember him wearing something. What was it? Was it a bone from his... Don't do that. Oh. Was it a bone from the time his mother got beat up and he shot himself? Was that what you were

going to do? I didn't know. That'll be careful, Pat. Well, I want to say this. Hot Pants speaks with Joao and asked to speak with Adam, and I did gonna do i didn't know i didn't know i'd be careful well i want to say this hot pants speaks with draw and asked to speak with adam and i did appreciate that uh hot pants doesn't really stretch this out he's basically he goes hey adam how you doing and adam's like hey good captain he's like hey you're fired no no no no it kind of happened like that no it didn't happen like he says he got a good attitude but you tried to kill everybody so i gotta let you go he didn't fire him here he just said oh yeah yeah he says you got a good attitude but i'm pretty sure i'm gonna fire you because you nearly killed him there you

go that's like you and regis got down to sea with a little help from the audience yeah so uh serena you think it's titanic to you i love i love that's a pretty good answer are you sure well i was until you ruined it you're playing for a million dollars going to children's cancer research are you sure ah no you got that wrong. Serena is cooking, as she's wont to do. And I thought this was so funny. And to be fair to Serena, she has not been cooking the standard below-deck fare. She hasn't done surf and turf before? She's probably done something similar but listen we have

chefs that all they cook is shrimp lobster steak that's pretty much throw in uh plate of nachos with canned corn on top and you've got a below deck chef but serena's creations are Neighborhood of Make-Believe and Tim Burton on a plate. And that's unique. But tonight she rests on her laurels a little bit and says, you know, this is the decade when they really started coming down on surf and turf. So that's what we're going to get tonight. Angry Adam can't believe that he made the mistake that he made. And that's once again when we learn that Adam does this for his family. Now, this is not Adam's fault.

We talk a lot. We repeat things. But I get it. You want the brownstone. You're doing it for your family. I don't want to speak ill of Angry Adam. It's so crazy what a massive turn this young man has made right before our eyes. He goes from

angry Adam, bitching at people about safety. Ironically, he almost killed everybody. And he goes from that to this Brooklynite Hercules who is holding up three women, saying goodbye to them on the dock because he is loved by everyone. I know we'll get to it in the next episode,

but sad to see that sailor go. He's a good kid. He's young. Room to grow. Isn't that that young? No, he is. He's what? 23, 24? Yeah.

All right. So the guests get ready for a little truth or dare game. Who would you bang from the crew? And this is the kind of stuff we want to see. This is the wealthy picking the alive cadavers of the help to have sex. Talking about them like they're not in the same room. I believe they choose Harry and Kermit, by the way. They choose Harry to have a threesome with.

Right. I get it. Harry's a tall drink of water. He just hasn't come into his riz yet. That's right. That'll be in four years. When, once again, you get some funny tingly feelings. And then that hair just starts to outroot itself.

And it's called pubic hair. Yeah. Are you lasered? I shave myself. I don't like being hairy. I just don't. I like to dance naked in the mirror. And it just weirds me out when I look like a gorilla.

You know what weirds me out? A lot of things. So the girls, when I have a threesome with harry asia mocks his riz then radios that they want to have a threesome with him my god the leniency aboard this vessel hot captain is overhearing asia just go hi harry and and he's totally cool with it because Asha puts in his contacts it's a friendly boat yeah people are starting to come around my theory that there's a whole lot

more to that helping him out with his contacts you know what I mean people are starting to come around to it are you claiming that as yours well I brought it up first how could you know that with any confidence at all? All right.

So the dessert will be salted caramel panna cotta, mini cheesecake with chocolate fondant. This walk up the steps with Joelle. With the desserts. This is Hitchcockian suspense. I really thought, because we're watching a show about sea rats, that that thing was going to topple over and she was going to serve them cheese and crackers or something. Or Culver's like, hey, you know,

one of my favorite foods was Keane would whip up marshmallow fluff and peanut butter sandwiches. Culver, shut the fuck up. which is culver shut the fuck up so serena and joao have a cute little meat cute and or more cute this is nothing wake me up when we're oh is this when uh she he bandages her foot chef he's yeah yeah yeah oh yeah yeah i feel like vince vaughn and mr and mrs smith you know yeah i'm not getting out of bed to kill somebody for 400 grand. I think... All right, so I think something's going on here.

I think Sheffy's down to F, and I think he's trying to repair his reputation. So I think he's weighing how the optics will look. Yep. Next day. Next morning! Caps is still picking around... Where's Culver?

...wondering if he's gonna fire adam meanwhile protein shake is down there blitzing up his fucking lat milk and while none of the work is being done i know adam almost killed everyone but it is so clear who is the person to fire. So clear. It's Adam because you could kill people. But if we were in an office building or something like that, you'd fire Culver 50 times out of 10 because Culver is just waiting for inheritance.

That is his work ethic. He's just like, Ke keem's gonna die one day and i'm gonna cry for five years over it um but i will have the house in delaware or wherever the fuck they live by the way there was some weird editing here when culver was making a big issue out of the whole blender thing and basically not doing his job they cut to captain hot pants like thinking things over and i was like oh i see what you guys are trying to do here you're trying to make it look like that possibly we would fire captain lego head yeah yeah and i would love to see him uh by the way i do not want to see him

on med i love how he got that job uh opportunity which he later oh invites um jamae oh tinfoil cap do you think that was Sandy? Oh, they... No, I don't think they said... He said it was a captain that he knew and I think they might have said the name, but I was like, Culver, you might be a good guy.

I don't know yet. I just see what they're putting out, the editing or whatever, but I don't want to see on TV anymore, dude. I'm sorry. I just don't want to see Culver anymore. Why not? Because he's a douchebag.

He's annoying. And he's an archetype. And he's a fake. What archetype is he? The good old boy, nice guy from the Midwest. Loves his mama. Just wants to work a hard day, do a hard day of work, and be very boring. Right.

Yeah. All right. So Crab Benedict is served for breakfast. In what world are people eating this? I know we're on vacation, but my God, would you eat a crab Benedict?

That's very rich. No. But I don't like seafood. you don't like any seafood shrimp cocktail yeah i could have one one what about an oyster nope mm-hmm uni absolutely not you like sushi that's because my wife does what california roll kind of guy yeah it's still seafood it's just imitation crab yeah it's pressed cod so we check in with margo about getting better at being a sea rat asia was thinking about giving margo the second stew position last charter uh on the next one she will get it culver gets a job offer at this point and this guy

this is this guy he's like hey thank you for the job offer also i'm currently fucking someone can i bring her she'll work um so harry and margo this is where harry is still very very cold to her harry come on man this is this is part of the lacking of Riz. If you're friend-zoned, just be in the friend zone. Play the long game, okay? You have to be... When you're friend-zoned, and I know from experience, you have to turn into a Komodo dragon. Now, I don't want to sound predatory,

but what Harry has to do is bite the leg and wait for the saliva to render... I'm not going to keep going because of what we've did with the Luke thing, but you get what I'm saying. Just play the long con, but definitely don't be

mean to her. This isn't fifth grade. I'll agree with that. I think, yeah, maybe going too far. Be friendly, but definitely don't flirt with her. Alright, so fifth grade. I'll agree with that. I think, yeah, maybe going too far. Be friendly. But definitely don't flirt with her. Alright, so Culver is talking about eating again when the... Sorry, I blew that in your face. That's alright. When the tender is floating away,

the guy just... Dead horse. But the guy just drives me absolutely insane. I know. I think it's because we both... We work so hard. So when you see people who are not only like lazy, but indignant and defensive about their work ethic, which is objectively through the fucking floor. I don't think we've mentioned this enough.

We have been beating him up this episode, but every time he's asked to do something, they would cut to him and under his breath he'd be saying something uh something bad about the person that asked him to do it right because how dare they keem doesn't do that she just feeds him uh so we have a white theme for dinner it's going to be truffle ravioli deconstructed cheesecake with honeycomb and passion fruit you can't get any more subtly fancy than that i do want to say this uh bravo for this white party themed uh table decor uh white linens

and simple flowers is was on the table and you knocked it out of the park no need for glass candles uh with the last supper imprinted on them right them. Right. Because those are for when family members try and memorialize someone who died crashing into a freeway guardrail. You put those down there, not on a $60,000 a day table. What are you talking about? Like ceramic turtles? What are you talking about? No, you ever see those candles with the Last Supper printed on them

at a memorial? We live in LA. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're always driving on the 405. You're like, oh, wow, oh wow someone fucking died there wow that's sad you see like a oh look that that's the the gravesite of a hispanic catholic that's sad yeah because i don't i don't really know any other people that buy those candles yeah you, yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. All right. I'm proud of the team for that tablescape. Well done.

Oh, me too. Kalen? I'm very proud. So this is when we get to the constructive criticism. Culver is told to stop eating for the 15th time this day and go and make sure the tender doesn't fly away. Like he's left something on like the transom or whatever boat parlance they're using and culver brings he he in a huff

puts down his rice ball or whatever and goes and fix does the exact thing they told him to do and calls under his breath calls jwoww a jerk off and a bitch right now he calls him that when jwoww says i know that you had fucked up this thing but when you got in the tender and saw that it was absolutely filthy there was sand and actual shoes in there and you did nothing why this is when culver goes is this constructive criticism or are you being a dick right now? No, you're a dick. You are so lit.

If he's listening, I'm sorry. I know we've spoken very ill about you. We've done 40 minutes on how much of a douche bag you, but my God, man, there's just something special about you. So dinner.

Yes. Dinner is served. Things go really well. Lovely meal. Another bizarre one. It's two courses. One truffle raviolo and the next one passion fruit cheesecake. Oh, nice.

Wow. We're going from Italy to the tropics. It's like a banjo kazooie dinner. 64 pots. So we get to... Budgies? The morning, yes. Yes, yes, yes.

Oh, no, no, no. My God. Oh, well, yes. Does budgies happen at the end of dinner or in the morning they they hatch the idea at dinner okay um and then the last thing that happens this evening is the highlight of the episode when culver pitches jimmy private school girl on this idea that they're going to work together on the next charter. The ick hath been given, and it is icky. It's such a crazy thing that she just agrees to do with the next charter.

But she's a little bit like Shelob in that she sees that there is this little hobbit that has crawled into her web, and how can you not torment this thing for as long as you can? There's no guaranteed meals in this life, and she's got one right in front of her. Now, I will say this. You know, relationships can start off hot like this.

It's a crazy request. This is my one trying to do you a solid here, Culver. Yeah, Culver. I went on a date with my wife on a Friday. I asked her out for a second date for the next night. We went on our third date on the following Monday. After three weeks later, we never slept apart again. You know, it can happen.

We didn't move in with each other. We just stay at each other's apartments. So I'm okaying this. Patrick. Yeah. You're not a sea rat. That's a great point. There's no love that can be had

on a vessel. The sea rat. So next morning. Next morning. We get more Culver and Jemay, but the real thing is the budgie. I thought it was Culver searching for a blender

like it was a sack of Vicodin between two cushions. Oh, yeah, that's what we end with. But I did want to get your take, get your pulse on High Captain Rack-Ass, Thick Dick Jason being all bashful about getting in those budgies. Do you buy it? it well he may be a grower and not a shower i would be a little uh i i would hesitate to uh be in the budgies as well oh you think he's bashful because his cock is so big or not that big i definitely stuff a sock in

there or two you know being a man with a small penis i can say to everyone out there don't worry about the bulge it's really not a big deal you know you go through your entire adolescence go my going my god is is a condom is is my penis supposed to be as big as a banana is that why they're using this right now dylan can can I say one of the wonderful things, there are many wonderful things about porn in the modern era. The 60s, 70s, and 80s and 90s porn that I was exposed to,

they only hired men with 14-inch cogs. Now that we have all those amateurs out there, I'm seeing more dogs that look like my own. And that means optimism for the men and women, the men, pleasuring themselves to this kind of content. But also, it means that there are diaphragms intact

for all of the people who are working on the other side of things. Because my God. Yeah. It's like something Marie Antoinette would subject somebody to. Fucking 14-inch penis. My God.

If everybody was walking around like what Long Dong Silver has carrying, every woman's would look like a fucking. Can you flag that, please? Definitely bleep that. God damn it all right so um we we wrap with this we covered it he is it really really is like watching an addict have a meltdown um when he cannot find and and it's completely his fault too because nobody is using the magic bullet to blend up their oats and their peanut butter and their blueberries in their way he's the only one doing that so he has this fucking childlike freak out because keem would find it for him serena has to jump in and make his shake

for him and that drove me nuts because that is culver incarnate right there that moment where someone steps in and goes i'll make your shake for you baby it's it makes me sick he slams his radio off calls jason a fucking piece of shit or something. Oh, we didn't talk about it. I mean, were you impressed by Jason and the budgies? I was.

Pretty impressive, right? He's an attractive man. Kalen, how many pots would you give it? 60 pots. His body? Yeah. You know that's too low, right? Sure.

All right. That's it for us. Join us at patreon.com for season one of below deck jumping the itunes ratings and reviews we'll read a couple next week um and join us everywhere follow us on youtube we love you very much i'm dylan saying goodbye pat say goodbye later dude Thank you.