Kill James Bond! - The Night Cowboy | Below Deck Adventure S1 E2

Episode Date: November 18, 2022

Dylan and Pat are back to break down truffle oil, Jiro's dreams of spanakopita, Cowboy and how much longer he'll last, life vests, jelly fish, Game of Thrones, Rue McClanahan and much more from Bravo's Below Deck Adventure.OUR NEW SHOW BAD TV IS LIVE AND WE'RE COVERING WINTER HOUSE! - Subscribe right here: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-t-v/id1193077828The full season of Below Deck Down Under recaps is ALREADY available only on our Patreon at https://Patreon.com/AnotherPodcastNetworkAlso available is our coverage of Below Deck Sailing and Love is Blind seasons 1 and 2 for both shows!Check out our merch!https://anothermerchstore.com

Yeah, I definitely would. I think Kyle's a much more dangerous foe. Because the White Walkers are patient. They're measured. Kyle is not. I mean, Kyle is a wild card. He's a bucking bronco. Oh, they don't stare at members of the Watch and say, you see this face? It's a face that doesn't give a fuck. Yeah. They don't do that.

No, the Night King never did that. He wasn't that bra brazen he was quietly confident in the mission that he was trying to accomplish so enough about game of thrones Welcome aboard. Another brand spanking new episode of another Below Deck podcast. I'm Dylan, saddled up next to one, Patrick Hickey. Permission to come aboard. Permission granted. Nikki is out tonight. But another public service announcement we have to get to immediately.

You're welcome. Oh, for this being free? You're welcome. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Because it could very well not be free yeah so i'll say it again you're welcome can you imagine this two shows you love the show below deck you love our recaps even more and yeah generally we'd have one show free and then

the other one you'd have to go pay five bucks to listen to you don't have to do that now we got both shows two shows a week i think both of them are really enjoyable. The Below Deck OG is starting up next week with that old fake Captain Lee. It's going to be a lot of fun. Well, I want to remind the audience, Dylan,

you don't have to get all our great content. You don't have to go over to download an app or all that. If you're listening on Apple Podcasts, there's a little button there

that says subscribe. You get all the patreon uh uh content yep by pressing that and then it just charges your card as same as your you know your apple it's very very easy okay it's very fucking easy ad free episodes of patreon.com let's get into it um boy do we have a little bit of an enigma on our hands here? I'm not really sure how many pots, how many caves, how many crabs to give this fucking thing. I'm concerned about it.

There are lots of highs, lots of lows, but I want to go to you first. How many thoughts, how many pots do you give it? Okay, so I was, you know, first episode, when you're being introduced to the new cast, we didn't even know who the captain was, right'm always a little like who's carrie is that the chef or is that the exactly you know but i'm like i don't know that first episode didn't like wow me didn't bring me in but of course i understand a lot of it has to be you know introductions

first episode was kind of fun those uh those guests are a bunch of drunks yeah yeah of course judging i'm alcoholic you know yeah yeah but uh we all have our vices of course how are you gonna live i get scared when i meet someone i'm like hey you want to drink i don't drink and i'm gonna go do some weed no i don't do weed either hey let's go fuck four girls and beat off to it right i don't i'm not a sex addict what what's wrong with you if not there is something opus day going on there's something there's some kind of closet that has instruments on the walls right so it's better to just be an alcoholic because you don't want nine tails in a closet that's fucking weird no so pods oh sure well let me just say this okay uh be careful

what you wish for audience i've heard some of you uh share your hatred for kyle if kyle gets fired in episode three yeah that's a lot of fun and drama thrown right out the fucking portal. Sure, sure. But I fear it is too toxic an individual to have a cohesive work environment. He's hitting it on all fronts. He's got sexual assault,

I think. Right, yeah. We've got sexual assault. I'm fairly confident he's a virulent racist. It's all fun. Yeah, i think that's why he's not a huge fan of nate i mean who knows what's in his heart he's real nice to lewis yeah yeah he loves lewis because lewis isn't uh a black fella right yeah yeah yeah i don't like kyle i wish when he ate that fucking uh jellyfish i don't want him to die yeah i do i'd like to see him in pain. Yeah, go ahead.

All right, anyway, I enjoyed the episode. Okay, here's another thing I'm going to confess. And of course, not death, but Thanos snap. Go away. I brought this up to my buddy, Kalen, who's a big fan of Below Deck. I said, you know, none of the girls are... The cast isn't that good looking. Yeah, you commented on that.

Oh, I did. And he said, and I thought it was solid logic. He goes, would you rather have another season with Natalia, complaining about kyle and how lazy what a great she's great to look at what a great or would you rather have these three girls that are ready to hop in that jacuzzi and warm up the those snakes incredible take well done caitlin um 40 knots yeah so um some things i hate some things i like i mean um i'll talk about it later, but Bravo heeds your call a lot. You have a lot of sway in the reality television community. Your notes are transcribed, passed up, the latter, and enacted.

I have some gripes that haven't really been fixed, but with this season, I feel as though an important thing has finally took. The food. Yes. So I'm excited to get into that. The music is a lot for me. Wow. I mean, is this an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie? The music's kind of a lot for me, actually. And I know that it's adventure, but I feel like I'm on a shitty Disneyland ride but I'm just watching drunks so you know listen I don't want to be too cynical the music's fun of course but it just slams you in the ears every once in a while a little too aggressively yeah the rocks not jumping between two skyscrapers we're watching a bunch of

fucking overpaid drunks in a canoe yeah Yeah, Jason Statham's not here fighting 50 guys, right? So also, Kyle, you're right in that the drama may fall off a cliff a little bit, but Kyle is the kind of person who's fun to hate for a little, and then you start to feel yucky about yourself because there's too fervent and furious a hatred. Yeah, you I'm dead. Yeah. So we're going to need to get rid of him very,

very soon. Goodbye, cowboy. Let's talk. I reached out to Bravo to request him as a guest. Oh, thank God. There's no fucking way they say yes,

because I don't think he's doing well right now. But, Oh no, I don't think he's feeling anything. I don't think he thinks he, I think he loves himself and what the work he's done on episode one well uh i'm gonna give it 20 pots let's get into his transgressions i think almost immediately we pick up with cowboy not being a cowboy at all but rather

a sea rat and i you know we talked about it lobotomize the person right um nathan's trying to teach him how to do the night watch the way that Captain Kerry, who knows how cold the water is, wants it to be. As instructed. At one point, Cowboy says something to the effect of, what the fuck are you going to do about it? Or something like that. Or what? Now, there's no ball that's been rolling down the hill. Oh, other public service announcement.

The couch is not in yet. The sound is not dead by the couch. It's a little boomy. It's a new space that will be readjusted soon. So thank you. Be patient. Tell your ears to calm down. Yes, yes, yes.

So I was going to remind the audience, Dylan, this is the Night Watch, you know, like Game of Thrones, you know, only it's not Ice Walkers. It's Douchebag. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Honestly, a much more dangerous foe yeah many would say they'd like ice walkers better than kyle yeah yeah i definitely would i think kyle's a much more dangerous foe uh because the the white walkers are patient um they're measured kyle is not I mean, Kyle is a wild card.

He's a bucking bronco. Oh, they don't stare at members of the watch and say, you see this face? It's a face that doesn't give a fuck. Yeah. They don't do that. No, the Night King never did that. He wasn't that brazen.

He was quietly confident in the mission that he was trying to accomplish. So enough about Game of Thrones. But the thing that's so crazy about this is that we're at an 11 for no reason. We're at an 11 in 30 seconds. We're at an 11 with no history, no pattern. No. It's just a default setting. And I'm sorry your mom was a thief.

I'm sorry that your dad took off. But, you know, we've talked about this before. When you're not dealing with someone on an individual basis, I think you can have a 36,000 feet view of, you know, empathy. I'm sorry that your parents weren't around. Who hurt you? That you're this person now. Yes, exactly. That you're this person now. Yes, exactly.

But when you're face-to-face with it, I mean, there's nothing to say other than what a gargantuan piece of shit. Who cares why you're this way? Just leave me be. God, I hate this guy. Trying to analyze him, I've met people like him in his life.

And of course, just in like little short, little drips, but never a relationship with a person like this. I don't know how someone could. It's fascinating to see. He's a relatively young man, but he definitely went to college, and they showed some pictures.

I think he had some people standing next to him that they'd call friends or whatever. Who doesn't step in and say, Kyle, you're being a jerk? Right, right, right. Well, he'd punch those people in the face, and it's because he had a non-existent... Let's do some shots.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He had a non-existent father and a criminal mother. Aww. Aww. Everybody's got problems. Everybody's got fucking problems. Get over it. So let's get to a very late dinner.

Spanakopita is starting grease fires and pumping out strip loin. Now, we have good news. For once, Bravo has heated my call. This is what I was alluding to, obviously. I don't know that we're going to be getting this with every dish. You just can't count on Bravo. But we're getting chyrons here. Not only are we getting detailed accountings of what is on the plate,

we're getting letters and words in the bottom of the screen. I mean, I've just never seen anything like it. It's almost like they took my notes. Hey, why not treat this like the Food Network? Right, right, right. And actually implement some of those things that they use to help. Some of us people that aren't like Dylan that don't know as much but are interested to learn. Sure.

What is that side dish and what is that sauce? And I got to say, I'm bucking a little bit and I'm getting actually angry because it sounds like you're trying to kind of snuggle up to ownership over this note and the reason why I'm so upset right now is because you've had so many.

Why can't I just It's just my sleeping bag. You don't need to be in here right it's for one fucking person right pat dylan i'm gonna give that to you god damn man so dinner is absolutely beautiful though there was one tragedy and i don't even know if i'm correct in this but the thickness of the salsa verde did lead me to believe that she went with the condimento from the Americas, not that of the boot. And with a strip loin, I believe crispy broccoli. What do we have here, actually?

Let me just see what we've got written down. And that's such a dereliction of duty. While you're looking your notes over, I'm just going to say my appreciation for the stamina of these drunks. If the time was correct, it's like 12.05. They all have full glasses of wine. They've been drinking since 8 a.m. with mimosas. And, you know, very much like solid alcoholics,

they can get pulled over in their car yeah and it's only the uh the air of in front of the out of their breath yeah that's given them away that they're drunk they're they would be they're they're closer to being invited over to the policeman's sunday football than they are going in the drunk tank exactly that's how i mean these people will talk about the hour at which they take breakfast it's unbelievable what these people are doing but dinner is uh strip loin salsa verde sweet potato puree and crispy broccoli now like i said she has opted to go for the sauce from the americas i think um the one ailing from the boot is would would just be a perfect accompaniment to this delicious slice of beef.

Something with anchovy, mint, and marjoram. Not something with tomatillo. Tomatillo and lime, I don't think it belongs here. And spanakopita, if I've gotten this wrong, the viscosity of it, though, doesn't often trick my eye. I don't think we were working with something from the boot, but I'm going to move on. It looked like it would look good on top of a burrito. Yes, exactly. A salsa verde.

Yeah, yeah. Do you like a wet burrito? Oh, yeah. Are you kidding me? Absolutely, dude. One of the biggest mistakes most of these Mexican joints out here in California do is- All dry. It's all fucking dry.

Wow. By the way, why is a carrot and a pepper in my burrito, you bastards? Oh, well, that's- Don't get fancy with that. What is that called? What is that called? They have one of those- It's the pickled carrots, onions, and peppers.

Yeah. I'm not a huge fan of it, but every once in a while, I think they throw a little thyme in there. Yeah, but when you say chicken burrito and that shows up to your plate you're like hey what the fuck i'm a dumb fucking heck this is so beans cheese rice chicken guacamole right right this is such a shocking turn i would have never struck you you just don't strike me as a wet guy wow enchilada sauce everywhere learn something new new every day. Fork and a knife. Just a wet experience. You're Nick Davis incarnate right now.

That's unbelievable. Hey, I don't clean my face with the said food that I'm eating. That's a good point. So, Faye asks the, oh, 75 puns. Strong showing. This woman can cook. She's good, right? She is good.

We'll get to the second dinner. That is an indication that you're working with a true professional here and of course sadly fay is not quite on her level now we need that because sea rats need to be wholly incompetent for us to laugh oh you wanted me to let you know when we cleared the table okay uh we cleared the table yeah great. Great, Faye. Yeah. Totally pro. Thank you. Find a fucking dry bar, Faye. Now, I don't want to get dragged into that kind of stuff. That's your lane.

Right, right. But I was just... I'm a pig. I was upset by her lack of adhering to the standard of quality that Spanakopita has. And I got dragged into the muck, and I'm sorry for that. But Faye asks the drunks what time they want to eat breakfast and they say 7 a.m now this kind of my got a little upright when i heard this because i don't know if we're looking at some type of elon musk experiment here now this would be very very low

stakes i don't know why you would spend this money uh to put these people in this kind of environment but i'm not not sure that these people aren't running on some kind of nuclear fission i don't know how on god's green earth you were able to take down a gallon of liquor and then have four hours of sleep and just wake up and go fucking want to make the most of the day they want to make the most of the day unbelievable stamina you know i got the gist here first off i love these guests they're really fun especially when they're doing uh charades on the final night you know they could all be playing on their phone or taking photos or tick talking or whatever the fuck they're having real conversations they're kind of they're doing a lot of uh toasts to enjoy their vacation yeah no i like this i bet they go home

and they probably don't drink a drop of alcohol for three months i'm like how do you do this yeah yeah yeah you drank for 22 hours straight and then you can go back home to your family and your fucking kids yeah and alcohol nary pass a drop of alcohol through your your mouth yeah for three months i i love that you picked up on the analog fun that these people are having. I think they're a little bit older. I don't think that they've quite been. Well, they're 40. Yeah, but the digitalia has not quite caught them

the way it has for younger generations. You don't need Ellen's app to play charades. You just play fucking charades, right? You don't need to put a fucking phone on your fucking face. And Ellen's mean. Don't download Heads Up. Don't download Heads Up. Don't download Heads Up. She's like a thin lesbian James Corden.

She was the original James Corden. So we wake for the next day. Next morning. Spanakopita. I think the reason why she is so proficient at her craft is because she is a practitioner of one of the most powerful mental cleansing rituals on planet Earth.

That is meditation. Lemon water? And lemon water. I didn't know that one. Coffee's weird, too. Seems like that's in conflict with the first two. Right, right, right. Yeah, hell of a morning routine, though, I got to say.

I'm a fan of her. Yoga and then a line of blow. I mean. Yeah. Right. Right. Mindful meditation and then a quick Java monster to get my day going. You know who is not a practitioner of Siddhartha's musings? That's Cowboy.

Cowboy is still harboring a tremendous amount of resentment for nathan uh the morning after the uh the blow up for no reason um i i can see him gritting his teeth and punching himself in the face all night but we don't have that footage i'm confident that it's there but we don't see it he shows deadliest catch the ropes and said i'm gonna take five minutes not 30 like he did. Now, the issue with that is that Deadliest Catch has no fucking idea who he's talking about. He's still in such a blind rage, so many hours removed from the situation.

And the other wrinkle here is, like I said, I think the Cowboys chucked a couple N-words out in his day. Oh, yes. Yeah, I think he's... He'd tell you it was just for fun, and he was actually singing a rap song yeah he was just singing lyrics and he was using it like they do right and why can't he use it like they do now the whole thing is silly right but also a lie because he's used it in violent violent cadences before so many times.

So we don't get in trouble, you know, allegedly. Oh, allegedly. But allegedly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. It's like that footage of him punching himself in the face. We don't see it, but I know it's there. If I were to ask you to name a song by Dolly Parton or Queen,

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I'm used to being able to set things down. I have a couch, man. I got these fancy chairs that my wife ordered. Yeah like these chairs i like these chairs not a good not a lot of back support but you know now she goes for look not comfort right right yeah wow this is great when people come over oh wow this looks great yeah and then you're like my back hurts yeah it's like those airbnbs and in the desert they have like um cowhide chairs everyone you're like i don't want to sit on that that's not i don't want to sit on that um all right so we're gonna move on because whatever the issues were the evening prior faye is going to fix it because she is on 280 milligrams of

caffeine and ready to knock it out of the fucking park. It's 8.15. How have you had three cups of coffee already? That's an absolute insane amount of caffeine. Jesus, Faye. Be mindful. I like Faye, by the way. Yeah.

And, you know, I don't think there's going to be a— I'm going to call her Lazy Spice. Lazy Spice. Yeah. Oh, I like that. Yeah. Yeah. I think her and Jess are going to get along i

think they're going to dial in their relationship and how that works and then it's going to be a very boring uh part of the show is the service is actually working i can't see anything other than that happening yeah i think you really really saw a crystal ball there um all right so diner is open incompetent chefs cannot handle this. What's going on with Jackie? Is Jackie okay, or is it... That's probably one of the... Marty's Monsters?

Marty's Monsters, yeah. It's a show coming to Nickelodeon about a refugee camp in a backyard in Los Angeles. They bond because of their pain. And because it's animated, it's not that big of a bummer. But it is in real life. What's actually happening is... Marty's monsters. Yeah.

Yeah. Holy shit. Wow. Dude, I spent a grand on ficus to fucking block that out of my life. You have to. I'm watering them three times a week just to make sure they grow. You have no other choice. I don't. you can't have

that spilling over you can't pick your neighbors once that uh mortgage uh that uh escrow clears and now i'm stuck with this yeah three fucking houses tiny houses in the back of her yard what can you do to get rid of a neighbor outside of cold-blooded murder you don't want this to get ugly marty's not going anywhere she's gonna going to die in that house. Yeah, and neither are her monsters. Well, let's hope that her monsters get on their feet, because it's not cool to have six dogs back there. It's just not cool.

Alright, so the diner is open. The more incompetent chefs, Mila, what's... Kiko. Adrian. Hey, you want my meat? want some meat you want some meat while you're down there grab my meat um i have a great idea let's dive down deep pull a sea cucumber out of the ocean plop it in the middle of the table and then people will feel like the vacation's worth

it because when you see a sea cucumber excreting its life force in a white kind of viscousy grossy that's how you know that you're in the midst of luxury yum wow what a crazy person that guy was hey do you want to see my meat um where'd he go by the way so anyways uh he went to a sex cult in the four corners that's where he is so, the egg orders can really throw off a chef unless you are a mindful master of the culinary arts, the way Spanakopita is. She has no problems.

Hit me with over easy. Hit me with poached. Hit me with hard boiled. But do not hit anyone with over hard. Who orders an over hard egg? My wife. We needed that pause because we needed that pause. First off, I love my wife, Cherie.

Nuts, man. I love my wife, Cherie. Who wants that quality of yolk? It's just gross. Can I tell you how food ordering goes in our life? We go to a restaurant. First, she goes, hey, why don't you get the cheeseburger? And I'll get whatever she's going to get and go, and I'll have a little bit of yours.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I always have to say, Cherie, we both make money. Right, right, right. I will eat my cheeseburger. I will buy you your own cheeseburger. Okay. So then she turns that down okay so you're a little nasty too so this is sixth grade lunch right oh no no no no no i'm making complete sense here sharer you're not a sharer i don't understand why i have to

there's nothing worse than your food coming there and you're eating it and you know that that other person's counting on a bite right it ruins the entire dining experience i understand what you're saying it adds an element of stress yes yeah yeah i understand what you're saying that's not what eating is about there's also and we'll get back to the show in a second but there's also a rich rich uh most violent history of uh sheree not returning that kind of favor no absolutely not yeah she is not a sharer either breakfast orders they're insane yeah because she'll look and it'll be like uh 5.99 for two eggs uh you know uh you can pick bacon or sausage and then pick your toast yeah the waitress will come over um the classic

two eggs can i have one egg over hard yeah and then scramble and then you just see the waitress like are you fucking kidding me yeah just me? Just order the fucking thing scrambled and then order it over hard on the side. I admire Cherie's lack of fear of what others think because I've never met the waiter. I don't know the people on the line, but I don't want to experience that, which I won't experience at all but which i know

is happening which is we've got we've got one of those out there well they the waiter walks in holding that little slip what they wrote down like yeah we got a high maintenance bitch out there sorry johnny you can't hear that you can't see that but you know what's happening and i don't want to be the person that elicits that kind of cattiness from a back house at a diner. And it doesn't matter. But back to breakfast. Sure, breakfast eggs. Who orders over hard eggs?

It's just such a wild thing. We're in the Matrix. Shree. Shree. Okay. So, yodeling and adventures begin. Faye lets everyone know that they're going to be caving uh but they're going to take the kayaks out first now we heard it three four five seventy times in the first episode this is not the bahamas okay this water can kill you, but leave it up to Cowboy to do

things that would make his dad he didn't have proud. You know what I mean? First guess goes out. Without a life vest, the thing that should you go into shock because of the frigid temperatures will add buoyancy to you so you don't sink to the bottom of the ocean like Jack did because Rose is a selfish

bitch. Exactly. There was room on that board. Yeah, there of course was now nate says i've done an ocular pat down in the situation and it is clearly insane right captain carrie has told us numerous times that these waters can kill let's get some life vests on these people now cowboy takes umbridge with with this and says he needs to shut the fuck up and listen. To who? You? Well, all right. So break this down.

So there's one guy on the paddleboard. There's one guy, I guess, ready to leave. And they have two different types of solutions. Now, I will say, Nate, his tone was a little bit demanding in gym coach. Like, I need you to come back here. Turn around. Turn around. I need you. Okay. So turn around turn around i need you

okay so you don't talk to paying guests that way so i get that and then while i agree with kyle's uh hey just hand the vest off to his buddy and he'll roll it out to him that's not uh how this is set up yeah and so i i kind of have a split uh ways that i feel about this because i probably would have handled it like kyle like hey don't talk to guests that way buddy instead Kyle said and I quote with zero irony hey watch the attitude

yeah watch the attitude cowboy yeah yeah yeah he his brand is kind of well it's a lot of stuff but

yeah like being like what what do you think the thickest book Kyle's ever read is Curious George yeah what's that 14 pages yeah probably he's probably

knocked through that maybe uh maybe uh sorcerer's stone but he didn't make it all the way through you know he asked his uh that kid sit next to him in class hey how's this thing in hey you're always a dick to me why should i fucking tell you go fuck yourself yeah and then he punched him in the face or stabbed a pencil in his ear um but the brand the other part of his character is that irony flies a hundred yards over his head um we'll get to the jellyfish thing in a second but the the issue here is lewis has come in and said essentially that Kyle is in the right, that you don't need to have life vests in a situation like this. I'm looking at the frigid, frigid waters that Captain Carey has told us can kill people. And I'm thinking, who cares about the kind of calm meniscus of this body of water?

I didn't catch that Lewis said that. You'd think absolutely they need to wear that. Absolutely. I don't care if you're in calm waters. You're on a stand-up board, one of the more challenging planks to have a steady equilibrium on. You go over. You hit your head on the board, you sink to the fucking bottom. Next thing you know,

you got a $20 million lawsuit against the fucking yacht. Are you out of your fucking mind? Are you out of your mind? And this is what I think is transpiring. I think that Lewis is too soft for this station. I think he's getting cucked a little bit. I think that the knuckle-dragging, hills-have-eyes kind of machismo of Cowboy

is overtaking him, and in a more insidious way, I think manipulating him a little bit. Yeah, definitely calling another man a bitch that you've known for 14 hours, and go unanswered with, what did you just say to me? Yeah, Cowboy could be testing the the waters and i hate people like that they always got to test you

know boundaries with people why do we have to do this why do we have to go through this rigmarole why don't you just act like a human being um so the the jellyfish thing is a little treat for Kyle because Lewis has kind of told him that he was correct in this. So what Cowboy does is reach into the waters and pulls out a jellyfish. And he swallows the poor little creature who is not really that sentient it's kind of a you know a early soup kind of creature oh it's made up of 99 99 of water right right right so it's nothing that is going to miss a family or anything no they only live a year or two but why what are you doing swallowing an innocent creature? I mean, it's just floating through the water.

This thing's essence is not for you to have fun with. It's very, very wrong to me. Karmically, frequency-wise, I just cannot stand this kind of stuff. I think it's gross too i was triggered uh because uh about 10 years ago i went out to korean barbecue with a bunch of friends and then my buddy dancing abalone or something like that my buddy was actually a fucking squid my buddy jay he he's was you know he's going to be the resident korean barbecue for you uh filthy yucky normies is uh it's kind of a little joke on customers uh you pay to cook your own fucking food

in a restaurant and there's a fucking squid there and my buddy uh uses scissors to cut all its uh eight little legs off there puts them over open fire yeah he puts one on my plate and says eat it yeah things fucking wiggling yeah i'm like i don't know and he goes come on we're all doing it so i'm you know peer peer pressure. I swallow it. The thing wiggles down my entire throat. Down, I don't even know what part of the body is. It's halfway through your belly button to your heart. Starts drumming on your diaphragm.

I obsessed on this for 24 hours to get this out of my body because it was still alive. Right, right, right. What I'm trying to say is I'm better than Kyle. Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. I mean some i would say a good amount of the zombies that walk these streets are better than kyle yes and they're zombies zombies you know so um lewis has that talking to with nate and we move on to uh nate being told that he is going cave diving. Now, this triggers Cowboy because Nate bangs his chest or something innocuous

and fun like that. And he says, Nate really craves attention and it's, quote, so cringy it's not even funny. Now, Cowboy, you have to know that production's gonna make you look like an idiot, right? You have to know that production's gonna make us hate you because they used your big California interview snipp interview snippet you know that couple of days when you got on the plane for the second

time and came out to the big city and had it in and out making your way in the world today it takes everything oh my god i'm singing the theme to cheers yeah sorry yeah i was gonna uh sing this uh theme song the perfect strangers oh yeah. Oh, yeah. No, Jefferson's. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he says this whole Nate seeking attention thing not 45 seconds after he's swallowed a jellyfish. And it's just one of those things where once again, the irony is,

you know, it's a flying V and it's going so far over his head. I mean, the guy is one of the more pathetic people I've ever seen on this show. He may take the top spot. He's got a little pizza rat in him. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Pizza rat is nothing compared to this guy.

Nothing. Pizza rat hung around for a while. So, moving on. To the Fuhrer. The Fuhrer? What are we talking about? Well, Fuhrer. The H-Man? No, Fuhrer. The Fuhrer? What are we talking about? Well, Fuhrer. The H-Man?

No, Fuhrer. That's the destination that they hit. Oh, yeah. And the Valdel Caves. I'm terrified by these. You ever see the movie The Descent? Yeah. What do you think about it?

It's just one of the most horrifying movies ever made. Well done. It's like an independent film. Brilliantly done. Just a terrifying terrifying movie when you see the monster for the first time down that little narrow james bond kind of tunnel just what a brilliant job they did with that one i saw a video today of a young man who maintained an astounding amount of composure when stuck in a cave. He was pulling out his camera and he goes,

yeah, I thought that it opened up in here, but it was just the calm of the water had a mirror image of the ceiling and it was an illusion. It's actually shrunk and I'm stuck and I'm not really sure what to do. Now, in that- Have we found that guy? I don't know, inconclusive.

But if it was me in that moment, my heart would blow a hole out the side of a wall because of the panic that would ensue. That's why I don't do that shit. I'm not a spelunker. Oh, no, I'm not risking my life. Yeah. By the way, on PMZ three episodes ago, I covered a documentary, three films, a second documentary that cover those kids in Thailand that got trapped in caves. Because we need more than half a dozen different versions of covering that event.

Right, right, right. One of the, the guy died, right? One person did. That is so sad. One guy died. He came out of retirement as a cop, never had any experience in diving, but he wanted to save those kids. And he didn't even make it past the first underpass where experience in diving, but he wanted to save those kids. Oh, wow. And he didn't even make it past the first underpass where they had to, it was like a

three minute dive. I don't know what they were thinking. Yeah. Scuba gear, people. Yeah. No good deed, huh? Jesus fucking Christ. No good deed.

And then Elon Musk called one of them a gay slur or something. Oh, he did? Yeah. Yeah. Elon's so funny that he likes to troll people so much. Oh, he did. Yeah. Yeah. Elon's so funny that he likes to troll people so much. Just do your work. Just, just...

Get us, get us to another planet, Elon. Yeah, go focus on Mars and stop annoying everybody, you puffy fuck. So, there is a little bit of an issue here. A lot of adventure. The adventure's fun,

but unless seriously bodily, unless serious bodily harm or a boob or a wiener slips out, I mean, I don't know that we're going to have a ton to talk about here. Oh, with this, okay. And I say that, you know, having accused Kyle of having irony fly over his head,

it seems as though we have made a little hay out of this, but I'm concerned about recapping the adventure component of this show. All right, let me ask you this first. So it was framed when the guests fast forward a little bit to dinner with Captain Kerry. They were like, hey, you know, that Kyle kid was, you know,

he was horny for what's-her-face over there. I don't think that's what was happening. They were very much like a lot of guests on these vessels. You know, they're paying a lot of money to have every whim that they want granted. They're sea rat drivers. But they get bored. So you got to turn up that notch of that serotonin drip going there

because you're paying for all this. And you're like, hey, you. Yep. Fucker. Yeah. Do it now. Yeah. Do it.

Right. And I'm not saying that it was that uh that level but certainly they're like come on you two and there was obviously no sexual attraction was kyle hitting on casey up until that point um i don't know that we had seen it i think with the hug that comes later you can um oh the back hug yeah the back that was with ariana hug. That was with Ariana. No. Yes. It was with Ariana? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Okay, well, I think we can get a sense of overbearing creepiness.

And however innocuous or egged on and how uncomfortable both of them could have been to please the guests, I'm glad it's a first strike. Because we need as many strikes as we can with this guy. Oh, yes. You've got to build a, you know, who cares if he didn't commit the crime. We need the strike.

You know, uh, when I worked for North American insurance and I'm sorry to say disruptions. Yeah. Uh, I only got one moment where I had to go in. Uh, they wrote me up someone.

I wore tennis shoes. You always had to wear dress shoes, you know, all professional because he had to type on the computer and fake like you're working all day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'll tell you, that one strike where the folder gets pulled out and your name's there and you have to sign the infraction that you did,

it's real scary stuff in HR. Yeah, what did you get it for? I wore tennis shoes. Yeah, the shoes. Someone ratted me out. Who ratted? Well, her name was Corey. That's the one who stole my Star Wars tickets to Phantom Menace.

She got in trouble too. Okay. Yeah. Corey doesn't sound like a very good my Star Wars tickets to Phantom Menace. She got in trouble too. Okay. Yeah. Corey doesn't sound like a very good person. Yeah, she was a witch. She's Canadian and in 9-11, two weeks before she went on vacation, I couldn't wait to see her go. Then of course the towers went down and that's

when we went in as America. We insulated ourselves. She couldn't come back for six months. Best six months of my entire life. Fuck you, Corey. Are you insinuating that she had something to do with the planning i'm not saying that she did it but definitely she was involved in the planning okay um all right so um back to the boat we're removing stains and talking about hot chocolate and then we get back to the caves and we've got dueling sea rat histories here we've got nathan

who loves his mom and takes care of his sisters and cowboy who didn't really have a mom and is proud of where he's gotten well you shouldn't be you know because here's the thing you should be i i get it you know but if we're comparing you to not broken people you know if we're comparing you to polite society i think you're about a two you know in terms of character and um i don't know how people get along with and interface with you i mean you have a job so i guess that bumps you up gainfully employed yeah you're uh you're about a two now with people who have been traumatized and have grown up poor with no nuclear anything yeah sure you're a three yeah yeah don't be proud of yourself work on yourself because there's so

many failings um a little bit more caves um like we said there's this kissy thing then we get back to the boat for the only um uh the only real path for a sea rat to wealth uh orianana lays out the way that she is going to acquire a 40th birthday party on a yacht. Do you catch this? No, no, no. It was marry a wealthy person, sue a wealthy person, or create a very successful

paywall nude subscription. She said that. Like Eating Ash. Eating Ash. Who I think is just doing really, really well, bringing in $7,100 a month. Are you kidding me? Good for her.

No, I don't know that to be true, but I can't imagine that there's a voracious appetite for Eating Ash and her toxic personality and huge mammies. You know what I mean? Okay, so moving on. The guests are back on the boat they are and i want to say the only actual flirtation that i think might go somewhere is casey and mike mike is invisible on this vessel he's the one that people yeah they walk by him like every five minutes and they'll go you ever ever worked on a boat before? They don't even know who he is or what his purpose is here. But he seems to be doing well.

Yeah. Nice guy. He is a nice guy, but he is a background actor. There's always one of these where you're like, who? I'll take notes. I'm like, I don't even know. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Okay. That's his name's Dave. And he looks like the other white guys. He looks so much like the other white guys. So the guests get back to the boat. The interior asks them if they're ready for booze. They ask, is there booze in it? Yes, there is.

We know, yes, there's booze in it. So where are we headed to next? We are headed to dinner. Surf and turf, obviously. A little puss and a little beef. What can go wrong? Well, plenty. Spanakopita does look to be the real fucking deal, though.

She is going to serve something that kind of sings the national anthem of Spain on a plate. Oh, yeah? You know, I could feel the air of the markets of Catalonia when I looked at this dish. Pulpo, Sevilla oranges, another cauli puree, and I think Dave cooked a cauli puree on the season finale of Med, so I'm getting them mixed up. But we garnish this with a little serrano ham and mint.

It's just such a beautifully constructed dish. Something dancing around the rim of the plate, sourcing the oranges from a place known for citrus. I just can't say good enough things about this dish. Now, I'm not a big fan of puss. They're just too brilliant an animal to be. Too smart to be eating them. They're too smart to be tucking into them.

And I know that's an arbitrary line, but it's my life, and I've drawn that line. But she does say that it's a mission to get that thing cooked properly, and she's 100% right. Now, add on top of that, Faye being wholly incompetent. And you've got a really, really tough putt. But spanakopita is just knocking it out of the park. Hey, Dil, you know, I always have a thought on risotto. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I heard it can be difficult. Oh, one of the most tricky dishes in gastronomy. What is difficult about it? The timing of the ladling, the amount of moisture that you have to add cannot be just dumped in. It's a feel thing. It's like making bagels. You have to add cannot be just dumped in it's a feel thing it's like making bagels you have to just feel the paddle there's no sure there's a recipe but you have to

be you have to mess it up a couple times you have to see it you have to feel it you have to know when to add another ladle it's a it's a dish that demands your presence the entire way through its cooking. And that's why I don't fucking make the shit. You know, it's just too tricky a putt. And again, she's just knocking it out of the fucking park. No truffle oil here. Just good, good fungus with a really well-cooked rice dish. I believe there was truffle oil in it. Don't break my heart.

There was. Don't break my heart like that. Well, you know, when you got lazy spice and you've got pulpo and you're... Maybe it was hubris because she should know

that that dish belongs nowhere near or that oil belongs nowhere near. It's literally, I can't talk, but it's closer to a petroleum product than it is anything resembling truffle. Something that both dogs and pigs die for. And then this lipid gets to masquerade off the back of that success. It's a tragic, tragic thing that gets pressed into bottles and served all over the place. Yeah. Look, man, I didn't want to put you in that place.

Yeah, well, you fucking did. And I asked you not to, but you definitely, definitely did. This woman has an attention to detail. And I'm speaking of spanakopita, obviously. Definitely not lazy spice. She has an attention to detail that is kind of reminiscent of the great sushi masters. Stuff like, stuff that Jiro kind of teaches his people. It is a vestige of, you know, a little of the patriarchy's hold. But men get bigger portions than women.

The meat has to face a certain way. It's a culture of excellence that she's going to need to bring Faye up to. Sure. Well, Dylan, come on. This is just the first, second dinner. Come on, man. You know what? She could fuck up.

She could fuck up, but this is a 90-pot dinner. Wow. This is a 90-pot dinner. I'm excluding the cake because the cake looks like my Aunt Tina made it. My Aunt Tina is 350 pounds. I thought the COVID creek got her. No, the COVID creek did not get her, which, you know, you have these people in your life, and they are shining exhibit A's, B's, and C's for people to not get

the vaccine. And quite honestly, I don't blame them. When you see Tina and you see that she's not taken down by this supposed- The Creek variant. The Creek variant. I've described her in the past as a trailer god. She is brought food up the porch crudely constructed by my Uncle Hub. That's because she can't make it down to the Bush's Baked Beans. She is brought an altar of food. The Creek variant did not take her down.

Hub's still alive. Hub's kicking. One eye. He called one time. Didn't you have him call me? No, that's my Uncle Tommy. Tommy's doing good. Nice to hear. Yeah.

But this cake is really, really sloppy looking. Oh, it's moist. Nick would love it. It is moist. Nick would love it. It is a wet, wet food. But it is the kind of cake that comes from... It's baked alongside a ashtray with a hundred palm oils in a 1950s

kitchen you know i can i can sounds delightful yeah it doesn't it sounds so good it's just not on the same par with what she can do with the savories um but i didn't see her making the cake in the day like uh with us she did do that do it you know could have been ordered offshore is my point hey yeah i hope not because if there's a maybe we're one of those people that lives in switzerland on the shore uh made it you know yeah yeah well captain carrie joins them for uh this this part of the meal and i gotta say this guy's a little intense after uh sabering the rosé kraken as successfully as he did he's being kind of a bummer. He says, I had a 40th birthday on a yacht

and I was working. Gary, we're trying to have a good time. We're trying to have an adventure, man. He's, I will say this about him. He's Captain Lee, but interesting.

Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Captain Lee's kind of basic. He's Captain Lee, but less put on. Yeah. Captain Lee is very on. He's got a character yeah

captain lee i got plane tickets in my back pocket i just met you it's coming why are you giving me this speech we're gonna see captain lee soon i'm arriving late but i'm here oh great i fell in the shower what were you doing um all right so that it's at this moment that captain carrie is told of the sexual misconduct that went down in the flattled caves and he's going to rectify the situation now by the way guess you guys don't want to clear this up before you get someone fucking fired they even noted that the captain was getting pissed upon hearing this guys i like you as guests maybe we'll ask you to come on i don't know yeah but like if you don't want to get someone fired go hey uh captain uh whatever the fucking name is hey we were just

kidding around right instead they completely throw them under the bus and they laugh about it and by the way they exaggerated what was taking place you guys were the roman emperors with the thumb up and the thumb down going, fuck her. Hey, fucking make out with her, dude, for our enjoyment. Like, you guys, that's your world? Maybe they could smell the acrid soul of cowboy. And this was sabotage. And I would applaud them for it.

But if that was not the case, yeah, a little snakey doing a ratting kind of thing. Kind of gross. But dinner goes off kind of thing. Kind of gross. But dinner goes off without a hitch. Kind of. Faye's fault. Lady Spice. Got to get better. Jess ends the evening with a great deaf cat joke.

A niche category. But she really knocked it out of the park. And then we get a meanwhile. Meanwhile. Deadliest catch. Didn't bathe. Twister and charades are played. And Cowboy is once again being a bit of an overbearing creep who,

I said, oh, oh yeah. Much like Pat is a fan of the girls. All right, so this is what I want to talk about. You know, I'm not sure. McClanahan's rolling over in her grave right now. Well, you know, it's funny because I hate Kyle. Yeah. You know, I think he's a horrible, horrible human being.

Yeah. Well, I want this guy fired. I think he's absolutely disgusting. What I didn't know, what would come next, which is both Kyle and I. Fan of the girls? Not the girls, but we share the same love. And that is in one. Rue McClanahan.

Yeah. No, it's tough. Internet's not that great out here and you, I'm assuming, do you have the YouTube app? Yeah. Do you? Or was that a lie? No, I do. You have the YouTube app. Okay, so at least you have the YouTube app? Yeah. Do you? Or was that a lie?

No, I do. You have the YouTube app. Okay, so at least you have the YouTube app. I thought you were just going to Google Chrome and searching. Okay, great. So what we're waiting on here is a ditty that the fans know very, very well, right? And if it doesn't come soon, I'm get here right because i can't vamp anymore you know what i mean i would tell you to probably turn off wi-fi yeah i was gonna say yeah we can we can

we can move on yeah yeah but anyway yeah him and i beat off in 1985 both kyle and i while i i fucking despise him him and i share the same girl that we were in love with when we were 13 years old. Yeah, yeah. That is Rue McClanahan. Yeah. Not Estelle Getty. Not the one that looks like Big Bird. Not Betty White.

Not Betty White. Right. Rue McClanahan. Right. And I think he notes she's a whore. He's like, I like the one that was a whore. Yeah. Of course you did, you fool.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He sucks, dude. And God, I hate to say it, but so do you. Look at you. You can't even get it up. It's just such a tragedy. You know what we're going to do? We're going to end this episode with that song.

That's what we're going to do. There we go. We're not going to have the love boat. We're going to have Golden Girls play us out. But before we get there, we're going to talk about're gonna have golden girls play us out but before we get there we're gonna talk about this lewis is uh of the next day uh lewis is a sweetheart and casey's called up to the doghouse good guy carrie uh tries to um figure out what happened here and i'm rooting for you man uh either fire him or throw him overboard into those cold cold waters um and it looks like we've got the feud beginning here. Oriana is not happy with Faye.

There's a rivalry brewing between Oriana and her. And Oriana is a dangerous foe because she was a carny. Well, she worked, I guess, on stilts for a circus. These people are dangerous people. And by the way, this is what brought her here, she actually notes, is working for a circus and problem solving. Yeah. That's why she's a C-rat. Yeah.

No. Divorced parents, some physical and mental trauma. Yeah. That's why you're here. Yeah. I don't want to stereotype. Right, right, right. But.

Yeah, no. If it's always sunny in Philadelphia taught us anything. It's that carnies are extremely dangerous people. They always have a blade on them, and they are not afraid to use it. So be careful, Faye. You're going to get your fucking throat slit. Should we talk about plates or Kyle's ingenuity? That's kind of the end of the episode. Yeah, basically, I think this was miscommunication.

What's her face? Ariana was looking around to do that ski board thing. Yeah, the squeegee shots. Yeah, I think this was miscommunication. What's her face? Ariana was looking around to do that ski board thing. Yeah, the squeegee shots. Yeah, I can appreciate that. So I think that's the reason the plates didn't go down. And then the other one, Casey was saying, hey, I thought the service was we'd bring out the plates with the food on it. Right, right, right.

I don't know, all reasonable fucking things. Yeah, it's sea rat shit. You know what I mean? It's fucking sea rat shit. So that's it for us. Yeah, it's sea rat shit. You know what I mean? It's fucking sea rat shit. So that's it for us. We'll be back next week with another brand spanking new episode of this here television podcast

recap show. Jump to the iTunes ratings and reviews. Leave five stars, kind words and join us on Patreon for ad free episodes. We will see you next week. I'm Dylan saying goodbye. Pat, say goodbye. Goodbye. I beat off to her. And if you threw a party, invited everyone you knew, you would see the biggest gift would

be from me. And the card attached would say thank you for being a friend. Thank you. A card attached would say thank you for being a friend.