Another Below Deck Podcast - These Crystals Don't Heal - The Valley S2 Finale

Episode Date: July 26, 2025

Dylan, Pat and Ruby are back to break down four story pads, love, honey, crystals, death, The Joker being a lot like Janet and more from Bravo's The Valley.Patreon.com/AnotherPodcastNetworkhttps://www.youtube.com/@anotherbelowdeckpodcast_

Well, he gives the boys a tour I think it's Luke and Jason that drop by with those Heineken zeros otherwise known as soda water and The tour of his bachelor pad. He shows Cruz's new room There's a barbecue pit and over there is where the nasty whores sleep after a bed How bad I can't get over how bad this is, but how good he thinks it is. So he's really upset that everyone isn't like, whoa man, this 88 inch TV screen on your kid's wall

who's three years old is awesome. This Rachel's gonna be so big. I love you another brand spanking new episode of bad TV I'm Dylan that's Pat permission to cut up great to be here Ruby is joining us from the, the leafy greens of Appalachia. How are you, Rubes? I'm doing really well. How are you guys? Good. And how are the calcium stains in dad's toilets?

Oh no. I will send you a picture of my favorite one to share with your friends when we're done. Okay great. Men need women in their lives. Oh my god yeah. It just gets really sad and ugly and disgusting. Yeah.

Can I say something Pat? You think you know what we mean. I don't think you, I don't, I think you will be shocked at the state of the photo that you see that's all and it's really crazy because when men don't have women around they Normalize filth so my father thinks that his home is the goddamn four seasons I mean, it's a beautiful home. He built it himself with his bare hands, and that's impressive, but it is fucking disgusting home he built it himself with his bare hands and that's impressive but it is fucking disgusting yeah yeah yeah there are there are bags of beans and bullets everywhere and he puts them there on purpose crazy so anyways we're here to

talk about and some housekeeping tell him why you're trying to clear your throat okay okay I guess last episode or something like that. A couple listeners really took umbrage with Colin Brittany stupid tits. No. Oh, really had a listener complain and say I recommended you in the first episode my friend gets to hear your Colin Brittany stupid tits. Well, we can't stop calling her stupid. I mean, that's her fuckingits. Well, we can't stop calling her stupid tits. I mean, that's her fucking name.

No, no, I have an olive branch. We're going to meet in the middle. OK. Look, you can have funny names, but they can't be offensive. So I've come up with something that I feel is meets us all in the middle. OK. Let's call her Dopey Doughballs.

No. No, because that is a commentary on her weight, so we're not going to do that. And actually, stupid tits is way funnier and actually way better. So, you know, this podcast is not for everybody. You know, I like to think of us as a cheesecloth for those with great senses of humor.

You know what I mean? By the way, as I was perusing through those reviews as I've now become obsessed with- Oh, don't do that, you fucking pig. I know I'm an idiot. Fortunately for me, the first three or five are all five stars. So thank you. Okay, good. Linda, the yoga girl who my sworn enemy who you've blocked from Patreon, she is now come with

she wants back. Oh, she can be back and I don't even Linda hatchet buried. Yeah, it's been a year or two. I don't even maybe three. I don't even remember why we blocked her. She was very critical of you. Was she I think so. Yeah. Well, times and things were pretty hot and heavy in 2020. You'll remember it was I mean, it was hot and heavy but listen I'm all right no one is all right but but you can join us and Linda the yoga girl at patreon.com slash another podcast network where we're doing Miami which wow was that a barn burner of an episode yeah you guys like Gertie that's weird weird. I did. That's not okay. Well, yeah,

we'll talk about it. And I'm gonna, I'm gonna write up, we'll talk about I want to write some to the patreon people, you know, we've been slipping a little bit, the patreon people need some love. Oh, well, you know, the PMC is still one of the more popular shows behind that paywall, arguably the most. And I want to say this, you don't want Patty in my platform, PMC, to be talking about you if you're a celebrity,

because if I do an episode on you, you die the next week. I would say, yeah. There are two people that I focused on in the last month that aren't going to see August. OK? That was Ozzy and Hulk Hogan. Yeah. Hulk Hogan was what about a horrible father he was.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then Ozzy was what about a horrible father he was. And then Ozzy's was what a horrible husband he is. Well, I mean, if, you know, let's say, you know, you could be categorized as a horrible husband for a lot of things, right? Jack's not paying alimony or trying to get out of a divorce and be sneaky. That'd be a horrible husband. Trying to kill your wife, which is what Ozzy did. Well, to be fair to him. I think we jump up in the tier.

When he walked in the room, he said, we've decided to kill you. And she said, who's we? And that's when he jumped on top of her and tried to choke the life out. I was just so drunk that night. He was, he was very inebriated. That guy tried to kill you.

Like that's not me and Linda, the yoga girl. No, no, you guys just disagree on some things. That guy tried to kill you. Like, that's not me and Linda the yoga girl. No, no. You guys just disagree on some things. That's a completely different thing. I'm all right. Boy, do you think, you know, I'm going to give this episode a few minus rotten hells just based on that they think they're going to fucking pull off three

episodes of a reunion here. That ain't going to happen. No way. What are you going to have Jasmine talk about what she did on the show? Are you arguing? to fucking pull off three episodes of a reunion here. That ain't gonna happen. No way. What are you gonna have Jasmine talk about what she did on the show? You couldn't do that. What would that be, right?

Are you out of your fucking mind? Oh, hey, Ruby, so there was some breaking news before we recorded this episode. Unfortunately for people that were loving the relationship between B-boy and Michelle, they have decided to separate and break up. Do we know why? Like it?

Well, well, I can tell you, I hope I know they taped the reunion two months ago, which kind of sucks, but they had to do it because Kristen was going to have a baby. But I hope they broke up before then. So we get the real story. I I do too. I think that we will because of the timing based I think she says that it's in articles and stuff. She says it's like work and her daughter and all this stuff. But she moved into his house. So I don't even know where she's fucking living now.

Yeah, well, we'll get into them. But I do want to at least say old Patty said on a few episodes, one of the more irresponsible things you can do when you're dating someone is to bond them with your child and then have them look at that person as a particular particular parenting. Yeah, especially if he throws like a sissy. And he throws like a girl. I can I still you know what I'm so hung up on? Stupid tits is offensive. I mean, you've got to be kidding

me. I know it was hard for me to read. Can I also ask that that individual? Do you think her tits don't look dumb? Or do you think her tits aren't stupid? I'm so confused about their to be fair to this little baddie. Hopefully they're still a little baddie haven't abandoned us. They were conflating that with garbage tits. Now thank God there's many people in our Facebook group that came to defend us to say garbage tits is one of the best patrons that we've ever had. And has nothing to do with stupid tits. Yeah garbage tits is on Mount Rushmore. I would never refer to garbage tits as stupid tits. But this is a crazy episode. Did you give your Rotten Hells? How many Rotten Hells? Okay, one last note. First off, overall the season

sophomore slump, I've already covered that. People trying to find drama where there was no drama before, i.e. Jax going after drunk darkside Danny for some reason at the tail end of this episode. I don't know where it came from. He got this complex that Danny was putting himself out there as a perfect couple while he was a drunken fail baby. I actually, I think this is the first time in the season tuned into the after show actually. Wow.

An on set after show, Jax was asked why he manically attacked dark side Danny who wasn't actually Darkside, he was Lightside and was counting the drinks that he was consuming that didn't have alcohol in it. And another thing that people got a little upset with us earlier on in the season was like, leave him alone, he doesn't have a drinking problem. He's literally counting waters with lemon, okay? You have a drinking problem if you're doing that because we usually don't count the

waters that we've been drinking. But but anyway Jack said that I went after him and then stumbled and Tom Schwartz said jokingly because he had to show Danny who the number one guy on the cast was oh and Jack said exactly so that's why Jack's got angry because Danny and Nia were perceived through his coke-fueled gaze to be the power couple like there is no power couple of this cast they're all just like not powerful not powerful you know so anyways run house rotten hells I'm gonna give it for rotten hells that's not a lot no no no wasn't a good season robes. Go ahead I was hoping that you weren't gonna throw like a teen or a 4d 5 in there

Yeah, or is I mean it's what it deserves that doesn't get you with his rotten hells. He's straightforward. It's very different Straightforward he's very serious. He's a serious person Yeah, these these people are not serious people and I would give this 11 rotten hells I You guys have done more cocaine than me was Jack's was on cocaine the entire scene. Jack says okay, Jack says Okay. Yeah And I'm sorry if that's also offensive, but we will call him cocaine now

I thought it was it was it was it was a whimpery kind of ending. Zach's mania was kind of funny and very confusing him and Benji will not make it. Yeah, 12. I would give it 100. Oh, cool. That's sad. Okay. I'm a very serious person too. I just give it to you straight. Okay, so let's get into the proceedings and the proceedings are as follows.

Lala, why? Her house. Oh, we pick up at Lala's house. New baby so cute. Porto's potato balls. You're big Porto's guy, aren't you? Uh, no, I think it's overrated. You think it's overrated. I do I Really do it has become quite mass

You know what I'm talking about? I mean, they're a real machine over there. Yeah, they are it is no longer a quaint cafe No, no, they've expanded. They have several locations now. Yeah. Oh Well, once you go from quaint to chain it's hard to keep the integrity yeah and even a modest chain you can see I mean we've seen it I mean do you remember Chipotle in 2007 do you remember how delicious Chipotle was in 2007 now it literally it's essentially a colon cleanse yeah you think they found a dead cat and like the beans or something really hurt the business probably they found a dead cat in like the beans or something. It's really hurt the business. Probably probably not.

You know, dead cat found in Chipotle beans in Wichita. Yeah, that's what took down Jack in the Box in the 70s. A dead cat? Yeah, I think so. A dead rat or something. Well, Jack in the Box has endured. My God. What a franchise, huh? Now, the ladies all have baby fever here. I've seen this before.

Thank God you jumped in because Ruby could have talked for a half an hour about Jack in the Box. We're gonna take 30 seconds because the only establishment that I know of that's there for you, 365, 24 hours, it's Jack in the Box. Oh, it's Christmas, it's New Year's, doesn't matter. Everyone else isn't there for you. Family sucks, Jack is there.

And can I tell you something about the people at Jack in the Box? The people at McDonald's are bordering on suicide and resentful towards the customer base, because no, actually, the ice cream machine doesn't work. Yes, we've heard about it too. I can't explain it. So there's an existential dread that looms above all of them.

The people at Jack in the Box are weird. I think you have the highest chance of encountering just a weirdo on that talk box on that squawk box at Jack in the Box. It's what what a chain. Yeah. All right. Okay. All right. So everyone has baby fever when we had Quentin. And you know, we had a bunch of parent friends at that point. They all got baby fever. So I've actually witnessed this.

Oh yeah, I got baby fever when Cece was six months pregnant, probably I got baby fever. You saw a baby and you wanted to have another baby? Yeah, no, no, no, I was like, thank God I'm having a baby. Oh, okay. That's really, really cute. Well, Michelle says upon seeing this baby that she knows that Aaron wants to have seven children. Yeah. Yeah.

A couple of wide eyed babies. I love people that make these announcements that have never tried or experienced it personally. I have two and it's ruined my life. Yeah, no, it's tough. It's tough. I was woken this morning at five o'clock and I put on Deer Hunter because I Yeah, yeah long that's where you were long wedding scene in Deer Hunter big long anyways, oh

Yeah, children my child just screamed for mean, screamed for an hour straight. And then I fell asleep with her. And then my wife came down and shouted something about SIDS and how I can't sleep with my daughter on the couch like that. And that's how my day started. So it is it is pretty challenging children. If you don't mind, because I don't think there's a lot to this episode. This was my day.

For my wife's birthday, I got her a bunch of stuff, but one of the gifts was a mani-pedi for her and my daughter. Yeah. It's right in that shopping area where the right across street from Marshall's on Ventura Boulevard. I went there, I checked it out, I read the reviews, I got him a gift card. Yeah. My wife calls me today, she says, you know, I'm calling them, they say they can't fit us in till next week, I promised Ellie were going today. So I booked us at my place Okay, so I said well, what's with that gift certificate? I don't like it. It's like a Russian like like a Front from a Russian mob thing is like a what?

Yeah, so then she wants me to pay For the the new spot. Yeah. Yeah, right $200. That's200. That's what you call a double dip. A double dip. That's a double dip. Then I come home and she's like, I called the Russian place and they said, you can call them. They just want to they'll give you the money back, but they want your credit card and you need to talk to them. I'm like, now you're creating work for me. To be to be quite frank and quite fair sorry I was saying quite frankly because I watched that Jubilee debate with that insane anyways I say to be fair to Shuri because you don't go to Russians for

Manny Petty's I mean that's just not done. I think that reviews speak a lot about manicure places I think when we speak a lot about manicure places. I think when we were growing up everybody was like you have to be Vietnamese. I don't think that's true anymore. I think there are a lot of artisans out there that are quite talented and you'll know if it's shitty. Go on Yelp. Pop on Yelp. What I respect Sheree for doing is giving you the opportunity to get the money back. I would have said I'll just go to the Russian place

when I'm in a pinch or at a different time when they can take me. You will also pay for the new one. How lucky are you? How lucky are you, Patrick? My God. So let's get back to Lala's house. It makes all the sense in the world

that she would have gray brown wood slats in her living room. That seems like a Lala thing to have, right? But we get to Britt and the alimony. Jax doesn't make as much money as her, so he's kind of flipping out about the payment. And La La says that cocaine is an expensive habit. To La La, I would say that's the money going out, which is irresponsible and does really, you know, cannonball your finances. But doesn't have anything to do with his income.

Kristen and Zach and Luke do not like Janet. And we talk about what Pat's gonna talk about right now. Hold on a second. Are we already leaving their place? Oh no, this is where Luke and Jason drop in with those Heineken zeros? No, no, no. This is still at Lollis House.

Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. Janet does not like anybody. Oh, sorry, sorry. Janet does not like anybody. Oh, that's right. OK, OK. Now, she finally stood up to Jax and that cocaine habit. And then Britt says that Cruz can't come over to his condo because nasty whores are there. OK, thank God we went.

We doubled back. Yeah, well, I was going to say because there's a lot of cocaine there because we all know nasty whores love cocaine, right? Thank God we doubled back. Yeah, yeah, there you go, sorry. Okay, over where are we going to, is this at Jack's place?

Can I ask you something? Yeah. Why did you look at that part of your notes and go, I can't not say this? Because it would be a callback to something that I'm gonna do later. Oh, got it. That's an explanation. Nasty Whores is a theme.

That's an explanation. Yeah, that's an explanation. Little people behind the curtain. Little people behind the curtain. Can I just give Pat like 300 points? Because Dylan and I had the same thought there and the way he approached that, you just took his basketball, you popped it, then you punched him in the fucking face and you said, go home. You don't get to play anymore. Our father is standing on the stairs

right behind my computer screen just fucking staring at me while I'm moving. So I don't know what to do. Hi, Peter. Yeah, speaking of whores, he's a famed whore and he wants to come on the podcast, but he's not invited. He can come on anytime he wants.

No, he can't. So anyways, we get to Janet verse everyone. And we see a little darkness oozing out of Janet. She says, you know, I would love to get punched in the face. I would love for her to have knocked me out so she could have spent the night in the clink. And I was thinking that's a very similar kind of cadence that the Joker took with Batman

in that interrogation. It really was I mean, he was like bring the pain welcome it I win. You know, Janet is evil. Oh, yeah, she is. And she will be back. The question is, will Danny Darkseid and we need Danny? All right. So is this where we go to? Yeah, the four story townhouse. Okay. Okay. So this is on Laurel Canyon. Condo done. Yeah, he's very specific. It's beautiful. The townhouse there are vintage fans on the floor. There's a 75 inch TV in his three year olds bedroom. It's a beautiful,

beautiful spot. Yeah. Well, he gives the boys a tour. I think it's Luke and Jason that dropped by with those Heineken zeros, otherwise known as soda water. And the tour of his bachelor pod, he shows Cruz's new room. There's a barbecue pit. And over there is where the nasty whores sleep after a bed. There it is. I can't get over how bad this is,

but how good he thinks it is. So he's really upset that everyone isn't like, whoa, man, this 88 inch TV screen on your kid's wall, who's three years old is awesome. This Rachel's gonna be so big. Right, and I think that that actually does make Jax really sad, Jax is the type of person that says, I could take care of our newborn,

and then is like, well, you didn't give me diapers and stuff, so what was I supposed to do? And you're like, well, I didn't know that I needed to do that. So he's not a father, and he's a child, and he's closer to being 50 years old than is appropriate for this type of behavior. I think I'd rather Osama bin Laden look after my daughter than Jax. I really do.

Me too. He values family. Yeah, definitely. Not American one, so it's Dicey, but you know. Many wives though. They have lots of kids. He's been around babies. Yeah, that's true. That's true. He was busy though. Yeah. He was busy. I want to know what happened to all those families that were in that compound that got thrown on that helicopter What happened to them? Hey, I mean I just found out that all the guys from SEAL team six except for like two of them go over kill that guy And then we put him on a fucking little clandestine a helicopter in the middle of the ocean it crashed Everyone's dead. What pretty crazy. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa people that were in that compound. There's only two of them left

Well, yeah, you can't have the that were in that compound, there's only two of them left? Well, yeah, you can't have the people that knew that we didn't kill him getting out. That's not how things work. What about that character that's walking around saying he took out the big guy? Yeah, I met him. Didn't pass the mustard test for me.

Really? Yes, he protests too much. Is that right? Oh yeah, no way. We don't need to get into conspiracies, okay? So listen, he wants you guys to put a good word in for him and then the guys hit the balcony. Garden Sun chips are on the table, a real luxury chip, not in price, but in occasion. I think when you have a Garden Salsa Sun chip, it is a good day. Can I tell you something that really blew my fucking mind about less than a week ago? I was getting on the Amtrak and I looked over and I said to myself, why does this look so new and exciting? Sun chips has come out with a new fucking

flavor. And it is barbecue. Oh, wow. They were you guys if you see them, get them amazing. Fantastic. I hope they stick around. You know, and the sun chip is is an elite chip. It's also an elite exhibit in the case against American health, right? Because you look at the branding of a sun chip and you go must be healthy. Must be. But I think Doritos are probably better for you. They're on par same. No, I think they might be better for you Today's episode is brought to you by loomy Loomie loomie loomie loomie loomie loomie. I love this company. I love this company

It's consistent mellow and super delicious loomie gummies are specifically designed to make you feel good, not stoned. Whether you're looking for an end of day de-stress or a midday mood boost or help getting the best sleep ever, Lume gummies has a strain that's right for you. I am, I don't want to use the a word, the ADD, that word, but I will say part of my nightly routine is a Lume night time gum. Helps you sleep a little bit. Absolutely. I mean, we've got Lucy kicking around crying and farting and stuff. I need my sleep.

Otherwise, I can't parent as well. Here's a testimonial. I took a gummy before we started recording today. I think I've laid down some of the best podcasts I've ever done. Yeah, I think so. So creativity. It helps with your creativity. It helps to de-stress.

It helps to relax. All of this stuff is available in Plum Perry Runts. You know, the flavors, they're delicious. I think I took one that was like strawberry or something. Strawberry cheesecake. Lumi gummies are available nationwide. Go to lumigummies.com. That's L-U-M-I gummies.com.

And use code bad TV for 30% off. 30% off. Again, that's lumigummies.com that's L U M I gummies.com and use code bad TV for 30% off 30% off again that's L U M I gummies.com use code bad TV lumigummies.com code bad TV. Today's episode is also brought to you by Roomba. I love this company. Well, it's made you a better human being. I'm a better person now. I Like all jokes aside, I think you have I've changed. Yeah, you've become a better man since Since your online therapy with real arilla patients typically pay about 15 bucks a session when using insurance You can connect with quality therapists and mental health experts who specialize in you.

I felt that way. Did you really? Listen. And I stuck with the same person. I didn't have to go through a bunch of them, but they offer that. If you're not happy with the first person that you get, you can go and...

Find somebody else. That's right. It's not awkward, it's not uncomfortable. You just find the next person because with RULA you can find the right therapist for you. They partner with a network of over 15,000 therapists and psychiatrists nationwide, enabling you to find your personalized solution and the right therapist for you based on your needs, preferences, and state requirements. Okay?

RULA isn't just affordable, they stick with you throughout your entire journey making sure you get the best therapy and that you're making progress. It's true end-to-end care. RULA is committed to supporting you and staying with you throughout your entire journey, making sure you get the best therapy and that you're making progress. It's true end to end care rule is committed to supporting you and staying with you every step of the way on your mental health journey from finding the right therapist to helping you schedule appointments and monitoring your prognosis. And that's an R not an N it's it's progress not prognosis but Rula is there to help either way. Okay, thousands have already trusted Rula to support them on their

journey toward improved mental health and overall well being head over to Rula.com slash bad TV to get started today after you sign up they ask you where you heard about them please support our show and tell them our show sent you go to Rula.com rula.com slash bad TV and take the first step towards better mental health today you deserve quality care from someone who cares. I'm curious how that barbecue flavor works off that texture of

that chip. Oh, it probably dances and sings. dances sings. I mean, you guys, it's I'm telling you, you see him, you grab him and you you call me that barbecue chip is probably a little showgirl. I guarantee it. Yeah, I mean, my god. Well, Jack says Brit's been breadcrumbing him. Ruby, for old people, what the hell does that mean? Pat, I'm old too, you forget, but I think what they're saying, and it's not right, and Jason tries to use the term incorrectly, is she's giving him little tiny, like, she's stringing him along

to be like, you should, you'll like me, you you'll like no, that's not what she's doing actually really at all Yeah, and and I I want to get to the flower comment when Jackson Brittany fight at Yamashiro an institution in Asian cuisine in Los Angeles some will get there but You know, this is a little thing, but it says so much about what a gigantic piece of shit. Jack says Jackson's also very, very dumb. And I think that we forget how stupid Jax is because he's such a walking bag of vitriol. And confidence, overconfidence.

And overconfidence. But when Jax gets on a roll, when he has a pulpit, a first on the call sheet monologue, he gets about 11 words in until you're reminded that, oh my God, yeah, no, this guy is very, very dumb. So he'll say something like, you know, I can't believe that Danny is acting this way because you can't stand on one leg,

walking around preaching things you haven't done wrong that you haven't write it, and you're like, wait, sorry, what is going on? Yeah, he's pretty hard on dark side Danny in this conversation. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He says Danny's a pathetic drunk. Right? He's made a fool of himself at that bar. Yeah. And but Danny, as we believe has put in the work He hasn't drinking in weeks, but this apparently does not satisfy Jack's now one other note here

He brags about this condo being a safe place for Cruz. Do you remember this part? He's gonna he's willing to put up cameras He's gonna do baby locks and he's got a big room for Cruz It's the biggest room in the whole place room for lots of toys and then Jason. I thought this was a good question. He says but what about the nasty horse? Yeah so listen I was Once again brought back to the instances of criticism and I'm not you know

fixated on them or anything give it to me give it but um you know when the you know various Birdies and and Barneys were we're piping up that we were being too hard on Danny once again We have Danny saying I haven't drank in three weeks There are very few kinds of people that keep track of that kind of thing and one of them is alcoholic. Oh my god yeah you obsess on it. It's the most important thing in your life at that very moment. The days stretch into eternity. Let me tell you something he was counting the minutes till he could get in that shitty condo that he made her live in where he could pop a fucking bottle. I'm telling you. Because their deal was-

I haven't drank in three weeks. You haven't drank on camera in three weeks. You're drinking at home. Poor Nia. But also, we'll talk about Nia. The way that I think to myself, and I actually did think this while watching it, if Jax had this type of either interest or passion

when he was on cocaine or not, for anything in his own life, his sobriety, his child, his new condo decor, if he cared as much as he cares about Danny lying about his non-drinking for three weeks about anything else, he'd be doing pretty well. Yeah, he could have invented the next large language model. He's right, he's going to be Elon Musk and Nikolai Tesla in one person

with a spaceship. But no, instead he's just saying Danny's a liar, and he has drink. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's also very stupid, so he probably couldn't have actually come up with a large language model. That takes a team and likely a little tinge of evil too. So Jesse and Michelle, not that Jax doesn't have that,

but anyways, Jesse and Michelle. Now this is a cathartic convo. I thought it was actually quite real and quite neat, but in the after show, Michelle says this was another bullshit conversation with Jesse and we're reminded that Jesse is a walking expensive trucker hat of a human being. So we can't stake too much. I don't know if you guys saw those clips of Justin Timberlake from Dublin, where he's like performing, but he's literally not performing

and he's just making the audience sing and he doesn't sing any of the words, but he's still like doing the dance moves and trying to like kind of hit them. That's who Jesse is. Interesting. Wow, he's lip syncing through life. Wow.

Wow, powerful. That's a song that no one on the cast of Wicked would ever sing. Now listen, Justin Timberlake, Justin Timberlake has really taken quite a downturn in the public eye. I mean, this guy is a dweeb. Well, it all started when he threw Brittany under the bus. Then he threw Janet Jackson under the bus.

Then he was holding that girl's hand in a movie that I don't think any of us have ever seen. Then he killed Brittany Murphy or something, didn't he? No, no, no. I don't think so. Oh, okay. My bad. Alleged. But not. Gordon, like, not at all. Yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, They pleaded guilty and paid the fine and then charged him a million dollars and then went on the steps of a courthouse for an hour and Did a press conference about how he's really transformed into a better person. It's amazing how Justin Timberlake could have represented himself in that And I think the best part about this is that in order because he decided to make it so public we got the body cam footage of ordered because he decided to make it so public. We got the body cam footage of the arresting cop or the officer

when Justin is in the back of the car and he's like, this is not gonna this is so bad for the tour. And the cops is what tour because he doesn't know who the fuck you are. Just just get an Uber everyone just get an Uber, get an Uber and also don't care and read it right. Or no. No, no, no, what's what's her name the woman on? No, what's the name of the woman? No, no, not Shannon badour the woman on Potomac Karen Huger Karen Huger. She's doing time. Oh, yeah Patrick she has I think five DUIs. Yeah, and she was in she was in. You know who we should try to get on the show.

Can you guys please try to get that cop that drove that drove her around when she was saying that she was Thomas Jefferson's concubine? Can you reach out to him to talk? I think we can find him. I want to talk about a drug. Oh, my God. Hey, a couple of notes before we move on here, Michelle says she wants to be friends, but she can't trust him. And then Jesse says we've been fighting so much, but we've been fighting to win. And when you're fighting to win, that's, that's what we do, but we both lose.

And that was, that was probably life coach Scott that bestowed that wisdom on sure. Yeah. Who is a fan of improvement and also nasty horse. You could tell that guy, you know what I'm talking about? Oh yeah. Okay. So hold on. He fake cries. And then he puts himself out there. He owns his past and the divorce and also calling her a hooker. Yeah, yeah, no, he owns all of it. And he gives her all of his energy to do with what she wants. We then roll a package on

the Zen party that felt like some kind of interstitial in the X-Files. It felt like Scully would walk into some creepy room and this would be on the TV and it would be eerie. Mainly because of Erin just softly agreeing to all of her plans. It was odd, but we get to Yamashiro. Now we do not. Cart rights, we get to the cart rights.

We get to the cart rights. And dear Kristen, sorry you're a geriatric asshole of a human. You know all of this is a little moot. I think right She had a baby so well I would love to see the actual communication between her and that fertility expert because I don't think it was nearly as I Think it's just when and and I don't mean to be dismissive of this It's just like I don't want to dwell dismissive of this, it's just like, I don't want to dwell on something that's really sad when we know that it, you know, can't get it worked out.

But, you know, I think that when you get the list of possible solutions and solves, some of them, you know, have intense wording. And like I said, calling women over 35 geriatric is kind of a like a misogynistic medical trope of the of the patriarchy, which should end very, very quickly. But speaking of ending Dylan, but the critique did not end there or her future. They said Ruth McClanahan has better odds of getting pregnant and she's been dead for 10. Yeah, and I thought that was I thought that that was unnecessary. You know, but you

know, I hear the two of you, but I think sometimes girls are looking for a reference point and that's why they spoke about Ruth because she didn't know where she was in reference to someone else. And if Kristen took umbrage with that, you know, I feel like the doctor could really, really stand on their head and go, you know, we're trying to clarify the situation for you. And I could think of nothing with more efficacy than telling you that Rudin the Clannaghan, who is dead, has more of a chance of getting pregnant than you. So I don't know what the problem is.

Anyways, everything's good. Can I tell you one potential problem I came up with during the opening of this scene? Cruise is in a cart ride, so there's actually just one of you there. And I don't think you are either, Brittany. So you could go, you're Couchy. But there's only one Cartwright. Brittany Cartwright, Jack's Couchy. So. No, no, no. She's a Cartwright. Her son is a Couchy.

The Cartwrights? That's a plural. There's one. Yeah, I know. But she's she's maybe she can change cruises. No, maybe maybe what you should never and I mean this pretty vehemently. It's dumb. It's unsafe. It's stupid. And it's tacky and disgusting. Don't put this is a live laugh love sign outside your house. It's also bad for criminals, right? Like if they're not sure. Don't put, this is a live, laugh, love sign outside your house. Yeah. Don't do this. It's also bad for criminals, right?

Like if they're not sure, they go, oh look, this is the place we're trying to get to. The cart rides home. All right. Let's get to dinner with Benji and Zach. Oh wow. I hate this restaurant more than I think I even know. Yeah. This is in West Hollywood.

Have you guys, have you guys been here? What is this? Is it Nona's? Normaa Norma's. Yeah, no. So there are aquarium lights on fiddle leaves. There are chairs that are too squishy and the tables are too far away and too low. I don't know. Apparently this place was designed to serve dwarfs. The last time I was at one of those tables, it was when I was five at the dentist's office and it had a bunch of coloring books on it. Yeah, like this is weird. So I fast-forwarded through this the first time I was watching it, but the only Reason that I didn't I was because Sean I believe the name of the waiter

Reminded me like his energy was that when your mom is like, can you just go downstairs and like greet my friends? I have to finish getting ready up here. And you're like, I actually, I'll fucking kill myself and then I'll fill everyone in the room. He was like, are we drinking? You guys are made for each other, amazing. Where's my mom? I gotta go.

That's Zan's energy. Right, right, right. But also, also Zach goes, when are we not? And... It's your Danny for three weeks, yeah, you know, I want jacks off this show. I really do. Jacks or Zach, I want jacks off the show. He's off the show. And I'm happy for

that. I would much prefer jacks to Zach. I would much prefer Jack's to Zach because Zach says things like, when are we not? He's so boring. And he brings up that Jason said that he was going to throw him off the boat, or toss him off the boat. And he goes, that sounded sexual. No, it didn't. No, no, no, no. This conversation is extremely boring. But you know what isn't boring? How to prepare that cocktail the porn star Martini. It's two ounces of vanilla vodka, one ounce passion fruit puree, half an ounce of passion fruit liqueur, half an ounce of

fresh lime, vanilla syrup, and then chilled sparkling wine. Combine the vodka passion fruit liqueur with pureed lime juice, vanilla in ice in a cocktail shaker shake until well chilled strain into a couple of glasses, garnish with a half of a piece of passion fruit and then serve on the side of serve with a side of sparkling wine. Yeah, yeah. You're not a fan of that drink. No, I think I am. I had the I went to what is it Casalina this

week. It's in it's the new hotspot in Woodland Hills. They got a juicy scoop cocktail there on the menu. Apparently Heather McDonald, our our nemesis has a cocktail there was delicious. I had three of them. Hmm. I'm sure you'd love that. You ordered three juicy scoops. Three juicy scoops. Okay. Alright and that's just Pat, right? That's Patty. Patty loves loves a fun drink. I do. Well, Benji's husband didn't

love him so I thought it was interesting that Benji said I still loved him. he dumped me. And Zach genuinely can't hear that Benji doesn't like him at all. And that he is obsessed with this small, small Asian boy who I don't think has any intention of living in his apartment for more than one season. We're on breakup watch right now.

We're on breakup watch. Benji doesn't make it to season three. I'm really rooting for Benji. So let's get to the Zen party. Very sad, Michelle's cancer mom. I didn't mean to say those words like that. Yeah, that was bad. I really did not mean to say that.

This is actually super, super sad and my heart breaks for Michelle, but let's get to the crystals. Michelle's love of crystals came from her mother who believed in their healing power. Look at Pat. Okay, so Okay, okay. Couple couple things. You know why I did that Ruby, right?

I do Dylan I do why why why is that? You know know we used to do improv at Carola drinks and Pat was always the worst one it's it's amazing that Pat is as funny as he is with being as awful an improviser as he is sorry I think I'm a little I think I'm just a little peeved by your raccoon in headlights entireire attitude surrounding that bit. I'm actually I'm actually pretty pissed off. I apologize for that, but I was more Interested in the notes that came along with those crystals. Yeah Everyone reads their notes Brock reads his and it says get a new barber. You look like a gigantic penis head And then and and see so this is what would, this is what happened. Pat was really excited to get to that penis head thing.

And, uh. Right. And there was really nothing else that existed in that moment. It was the penis head joke and that was. No, no, no, no, that was, I was actually looking at this one. Um. Uh.

Oh, relax, there's more. Uh, at Sheena's house, while they were preparing for the night, Janet says she's not drinking because she's worried about what people will say in Brock chimes in and says, so you're going to let other people affect the way you live your life. Cue babies crying. Did you hear that? That's your kids you abandoned, you fucking loser.

He doesn't let people affect his life. Hey, tubby, I'm still down to punch you in that charity event. Who's worse Jacks or Brock? Equal ish. But just for for Pat's sake, I said we we opened this like Zen party thing with our classic pan around the vowel. And Brock telling Janet not to let what other people think about her control your life. And then in bold, I said for Patty, spoken like a true cheater who doesn't give a shit

about the opinion of his wife, right? Right, am I right? He is actually bad. Yeah, no, he's bad. Divorce watch, divorce watch. She needs a new storyline, she's so uninteresting. And really is not good TV. We need her with a new guy, that's her only storyline.

That's it. She stands there like a mannequin and a fish at the same time all the time. Yeah, Brock is like going out to the bars and she is like, I need help with the kid. And he goes, Listen, I do not let what other people need or think dictate the way I live my life. So have fun. All right, so we get to Jax's stepbrothers moment. This was really, really something else. Roobs, do you wanna take this? I was gonna say, he starts to ask for shots, is this what you're referring to?

No, no, no. I was referring to the moment where they cut to Jax and he is very poopy pants. I mean, he is very poopy pants. I mean, he is very poopy pants. And he says, I don't like crystals. I think crystals are stupid. Oh, that's right. He did it.

I think crystals are dumb and stupid. I actually don't think they're going to heal. I mean, it was literally like a five-year-old. He literally says, I don't believe in stars or palms or any of that garbage. He's sweating, and he is shit in his pants. I don't believe in anything. Meanwhile meanwhile Aaron looks on with his eyes very open You know this is what happened Aaron when he was 12

He got surprised by someone and then one of his buddies slapped him on the back and now you know he looks like a gecko permanently And when he is surprised you you can't tell fuck man I'll tell you I'm happy. I don't need to look at him anymore. And his eyes. That is quite a, quite a cross to carry, you know? People not knowing whether you're excited

about what they've done for you. Are you excited? Yeah. Do you like it? Okay. He, he looks like a gecko that's crazy Gotta be careful when you're kid yeah

Alright so let's get to Jackson Brittany Jack springs up the flowers thing and this is Like I mentioned earlier so indicative of what a disgusting human he is He tells the guys that Brittany is sending flower pictures to him as though she is some insane person and she is because she's on the show and she married Jax Taylor aka Jax Couchy. But this is just her firing back at him. This is no tonal shift in any way, shape or form.

And he's lying always. We talk about the house being expensive, and it's expensive because the tax lien that Jack's placed on it is doubling the mortgage. And he then says, I moved because I thought it was what was best for you and Cruz, and then blah, blah, then Britney says, you put me in a hard position and he says, you lived in mansions. Jax. I've been by the house.

That is not a mansion. No, it's not a mansion, but also it's a very nice home. And when you're in a very nice home that is double the price that it should be, it turns into less a beautiful home and more a big shop of horrors, right? Because that's a very, very stressful thing to have to endure, which you did to your wife and son. Now, we end with Brittany asking him

if he is going to sign the papers and he says that he is going to wait until the very last day just because. Now, Ruby, I know you're gonna be angry, but try to temper it, okay? Because Jax Taylor might be listening to this podcast. Yeah, he might be. Yeah, Frank Drummond, listen up.

I, and Dylan and I have talked about this before, when we would get into really big fights when we were younger and like that that tone of like, Oh, really? Okay, just to anger the other person. The wig when he when they were talking about the flowers and Brittany was like, Do you want I sent that to you because and he was like, you're gonna learn it's not about that. It's about the finances that you will learn that they're very heavy. Oh, okay. And then you say things that you're going to wait till the last minute.

It's the type of rage that I don't know how Britney operates. It's no longer loud. It's quiet now. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You're just packing it away. And we're quite literally now, I hope, Britney, saving it all for court. That's it.

It's a tragedy that there's a child involved because if there weren't the personal obsession that I would have with participating in the downfall of this man, it'd be fun for me, but I can't because of the kid and you kind of got to hope that he straightens out because of Cruz. Other than that though, this man is,

he doesn't serve anything by being here. He doesn't serve himself, he doesn't serve his child, he definitely doesn't serve Brittany. I think that he's a bad person and I don't want anything good to come to him ever again because of the way that he's acted. That's all. Yeah, no, 100%.

But I would rather. Clearly a drain on the finances. I would rather him than Zach. Oh. Here's my perfect season for season three two new hot couples. Oh yeah. Michelle single now out on the prowl. Yeah, jacks gone. Benji gone. And then we kind of like have a refresh like a restart. Zach's there. Zach can be there.

Really? He's Brittany's friend. So Nia and Janet are up next. Nia orders a virgin whatever she had last and Janet saddles up to the bar Nia says, you look like Princess Jasmine tonight. Um, Nia hates Janet. I don't think you have to go that far right when you're being cordial with your enemies. You don't have to say they look like Disney princesses. Well, Princess Jasmine, I think she kind of hates Jasmine too, right? I think that this was a comment because Janet's dress and her makeup was just very Jasmine-like.

It made sense in the shallow world of women. But yeah, she hates them both. Here's what I appreciate. Nia is not fake on the show. Who could hate Princess Jasmine. Why would you hate Princess Jasmine? I she hates Jasmine the human being on the show. Not princess. Yeah. Nia I appreciate her being honest on camera. She fucking hates her. Like all this person has done

has been awful to you. You're not going to do a fake TV. How could you like a comment? No one likes Janet. So Jason't like Janet no America doesn't like Janet Europe doesn't like Janet So I heard Zack puts his hand in his arm and tuna actually a very funny Moment from him and Jesse is trying to be growth and then he speaks about his bad financial position Pat you mentioned last week that you were actually very excited to see him broke position. Pat, you mentioned last week that you were actually very excited to see him broke and that conviction still remains pretty steadfast. Oh yes, yes, yes. He's talking about selling that dump of a house. When your fucking washing machine is in your kitchen, that's not a place to raise a kid. You know what I mean? Well, you know, people got to do what they can with

what they have, but he has more than that. That's a choice. That's right. It's a choice and then it's also a choice to make that choice and then look at other people whose washing machines are in their laundry room and say, what a disgusting fucking dump. I know, I know. I love him. It's like, hey buddy, I hate to break it to you,

but Ventura Boulevard is actually, it has more things happening than the Sunset Boulevard beneath your home. Currently. Sunset Boulevard beneath your home. Currently. Sunset Boulevard is dead. Desert Wasteland. Okay, so yeah. It's worth doing a meanwhile here. Aaron still has not blinked.

Yeah. He has not blinked. Well, because they smacked him on the back. Danny and Janet are counting drinks, and Jax is, well, mean, Danny's a little drunk, but Jax is way worse. He he's talking to honeybee and Jason, and they speak on Danny. And honeybee says, Danny's great when he's sober. And Jack says he's exactly like Jeffrey Dahmer. And they say, No, that's stupid. And he says, Oh, you're

right. I meant Ted Bundy. And they say, No, no, no, that's stupid and he says oh you're right I meant Ted Bundy and they say no, no, no, that's also that's also stupid, right? This is, I would like to see, I would like to I would like to revive Alex Trebek, one because I miss him. But I would like to see Jax on Jeopardy as well. I think that Jax would buzz in to pretty much every question, get everything wrong. And they go, damn.

Thought I had well, well, and I think it would get to a point where Jax would actually say that they're wrong. Oh, yeah. And he'd asked for the wheel that's supposed to spin with all the numbers. Yeah, that's how dumb he is. And he wouldn't answer it with a question. I'm gonna say, I've been watching. Yeah, Bravo TV for 15 years. This may offend some people that love Vanderpump rules. By far. There's not even anything close. If we didn't some kind of

intelligent tests. Vanderpump rules has the dumbest people out of any Bravo show. Yeah, they are the dumbest Tom Sandoval, dumb, jacks, an idiot. Sheena Shay, she doesn't have fucking two brain cells to rub together. Yeah, like they are really dumb. Brittany, I mean, her name is stupid. So she won that one little baddie. She did not a hard photo defeat, but she did win. Although you know what, I will say he's a pretty tricky foe.

People with borderline personality disorder and drug addiction and stuff, they can be pretty cunning. So good on Brittany. I don't know if it's cunning or they just keep you off your feet. You're unsure. That's what they're good. A challenging foe amended. All right, so Jaxx vs. Danny ends the episode essentially. Jax goes over

there and says that he is a filthy drunk and they began firing accusations across the bow at one another. Now, we're rooting for Danny because he's not a piece of shit who gets in everybody's face about this. But I believe as though Jax's accusations are one of the only true things that he said this entire evening. That being that he's had partners come up to him and say, we have to get this guy out of here because we could get sued. And Danny says, well, you're having sex with your employees so yeah it's pretty nasty and that's frowned upon right you don't want

to bang your employees because terminations get very complicated very very messy and lawsuits endure stuff like that it's shocking they don't know that and the other thing that was kind of shocking with this cast is Nia discovers there's cameras recording all this at some point, you know, I gotta tell Nia to cut with this bullshit. This is like, you know, enough also with the pious, you know, shit. Because nothing that he said was like, Yeah, fuck off. He was

talking shit about Jack's jacks should he should hear that. When when they're when they're exchanging little clips with each other and Danny kind of like pretty calmly, it's like you don't really have a leg to stand on here, dude. It was as though he said to Jax like, oh yeah, well like your dad would be really disappointed at the father you become. Right, right, right. He's like.

Well there was another moment where me and Cece were laughing so hard because Danny goes, you're psychotic and Jax, it reminded me of that scene in Tropic Thunder when they call someone a jive turkey and they all go, what the fuck, you do not say. Jax is like, psychotic? Psychotic?

Yeah, I mean, that's a word that's commonly used to describe somebody having a meltdown. The group is just as toxic as ever and we get to Jenna. One thing I was going to say, did you like how they split that screen up into four and there was all the tryhards trying to create their own storyline? Sheena's was extra pathetic. As most things. Yeah, she's responsible for bringing Jenna around Yeah, well we get to Jenna and the whole thing really gets turned up

It's really really dumb this conversation, but it set Zack off which was fun Yeah I was gonna say I was gonna give an honorable mention to the try-hard stories Michelle confronting Jessie about not caring about her mom dying Yeah, yeah, and we didn't get to see that fully play Oh, that's good So Janet walks away from the from the conflict and Janet you do not Storms badore this okay. She does to her credit come back and she eventually Speaks to Kristen on their hurt while Zack tells Brittany that he's literally done with her if she takes

Janet's side again bananas, and then he yells bye and Jason and Janet walked back And I think there's a dynamic that we're Forgetting with Zack. I know that Zack is very gay, but he's also a man speaking to a woman the way that he does and I Wouldn't necessarily be that surprised if Jason knocked him the fuck out. It would have been nice I think he threatened a hitch in it and he called her a whore. Yeah, like Okay. Yeah, I I know you have sex with men, but that does not allow you to threaten a woman

With physical assault, right? So I think we get that a little bit confused. Anyways, it's been a court. Yeah Go ahead just really quickly. Yeah. So another thing to mention is like you can't do that. And then also Your husband's defense of that can't be Yeah, well your eyes are going all over the place, you drunkie, yeah, you wanna come over. Jason, you have fallen from grace in the most heartbreaking way I've ever seen on the show. I don't want, that was really difficult to watch,

but the better part of it was when Janet tried her trump card and she was like, if you don't leave with me right now, I swear to God, and he was like, well don't leave with me right now, I swear to God and he was like well don't say that There and they're not gonna make it a fucking kindergarten I'm not kidding. Oh, yeah, I mean divorce watch Here's the thing Every single couple that's still married will not be married in two years That's all Patty. You think right about everything. Okay. All right get Get in the comments. Let us know what have you thought of the season. We've loved you guys for supporting us.

We still have three episodes left with the reunion. So stay tuned for that. Join us at patreon.com slash another podcast network for Miami PMZ, APS, and more. We love you very much. I'm Dylan saying goodbye. Pat say goodbye. Goodbye, dudes.

And Ruby say goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Climb the line.