Another Below Deck Podcast - Tomapalooza | The Valley S3 E12

Episode Date: June 21, 2026

Dylan and Pat are back to break down traveling with babies, pictures, love, Punta Minta, lightening, Iggy Azaela and more from Bravo's The Valley.PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/anotherpodcastnetwork  YOUTUBE: https://www.youtube.com/@badtvpod  INSTAGRAM: https://www.instagram.com/badtvpodcast/?hl=en

Brittany continues to just Brittany out. You call somebody over here. I'm fuck my catwiff. Oh, shit. I'm fucking, I don't. I'm fucking, I don't.

Hi, hello and welcome to Bad TV. I'm Dylan. That is Pat. Great to be here. We are here to break down the worst show that Bravo has going, but our favorite. I love it. I love the Valley. This episode kind of ventured into those murky waters of, oh, I don't like this.

I just went through. this six months ago. I don't need this. In real life. In real life. I'd argue that this show is a, created as a deterrent to not get married or have children. Yeah. And I'd argue. It's the DARE program for rearing families. Adults. Yeah. I dare I say it's quite possibly a platform to promote being a single gay man. Yeah. Yeah. He's having the butt fuck all day. Martiniers at 11 a.m. Have sex. Whoever you want. I guess that's the butt fucking. Right. That is. but fucking, yeah. And then vacation and goddamn peace, not chase your fucking wife around going,

do you like me? Now, the gay man still will cry because he's at a crossroads. Do I marry this man or do I see him deported? I don't think he cares, actually. No, no, no. We'll get into all of it. But first we should say, Pedro.com.

Rhode Island. Reunions will be there. Our whole Rhode Island season is there. We just covered Summer House. Do do do do the aftermath The aftermath Amazing riveting 42 minutes of television

Here the breakdown With Ruby Robs Patreon.com slash Another podcast network Let's get into our sniffs What? Bumps Oh like

Damn it's fine I forgot to pull it. Rotten hell Let's get into our rotten house Okay We could say crab boils Before major reconstructive surgery That could be a rating system.

Let's think about it. Go ahead. Take the wheel, dolly. Okay. How many would, what did you think? This was a tough episode to get through. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Spent a lot of time at that dinner that didn't work out, the birthday parties. Let's go. They were trying to make something that,

wasn't happening. And dare, dare I say, even if that party did happen with no rain on the beach, it would still suck. I, um, still nine morons eating fish tacos staring at each other. I have, I know these are your snaves, but I work in, I've worked in podcasting for a long time and produced a fair amount of them. And, uh, people have come to me, said, we have this, this idea for a show. I know that sounds horrible in my head.

they go, but we have a lot of money. I go, let's do it. But you sit there and you go, my God, it's so bad. I know these are your snoves, but I think the producers at this resort have a similar feeling when, if you're in Mexico and there's nine cast members, be it rain or shine, if you've got the goods, you've got the goods. There is no lull. There's no awkward silence.

There's no people looking around going, what are we doing here? this is so fucking boring. This cast needs a little bit of a lift. I would have said, what I would have done as a producer is I'd said, all right, the staff, who's not working tonight? Free drinks, free food,

have them dress up, 10, 15, get them over 10, 15 of them, dress up to the nines, come on over for some free fish tacos. Free fish tacos. And just mix it up. Who's not going to come over for free fish tacos? I mean,

Danny will. be annoying him. He'll be smacking ass to say, go get Daddy a drink. Absolutely. We need some fun here. Yeah. I know they, I know that they have to sign off on things and whatnot, but it's just, it really is so low energy and just so boring. It's, why not just allow some of the, the civilians of this resort to hang out there? But see, you know, that's, that's the, the, the, the, the straws that we're, we're grasping at. Like, we can't do that. This is the show. This is the cast. We can't welcome in the off-duty resort workers. That's not a reality TV show.

Don't you remember when Rock of Love season one, I guess it was the two final? No. Okay. Well, there was a part where Brett brought the two lucky ladies that were the two finalists. Oh, their dad's in? No, no, no. Oh, okay.

He brought him down to probably the same resort. And one of the lucky ladies, she wanted to fuck one of the girls that greeted her at the hotel. Oh, I don't remember that. The girl was so hot, she was doing like some kind of symbolic dancer and she was like hey screw brett i want to fuck her oh i remember about that show where that one of the ladies uh they went to go see brett perform and she was so overwhelmed by her alcoholism actually that she blacked down and threw up all over the toilet the band was like my god

i think she stayed around for like three weeks yeah i remember that i think she drives a fork lift out oh yeah she landed on her feet well she drives it well one of the wizards of the joysticks that you see on the social means. Go ahead. Anyway, this episode sucks. Zero cocaine bumps. I'm going to go ahead and give it zero cocaine bumps and absolutely no crab

before major reconstructive surgery because it is not okay to throw a woman going through severe postpartum depression in front of the cameras and make her fly to Mexico with a four-month-old. With her sister and brother-in-law

and she is signing up to get a paycheck She should not have filmed this season, but she is here for the paycheck. There's nothing she can do. She's unemployable. I get it. It's a rock and a hard place. It's just not great TV. I feel for Kristen, what she's going through is so difficult.

I don't want to travel with a four-month old, and I'm a guy. I know we get the postpartum blues, but nothing compared to women. They actually gave birth. So what she's going through is just fucking brutal. I want to give Luke some advice because I think I'm out of the world. Woods at this point. I have a three-year-old and a six-year-old. Famous last words, but I do think you are. I think I am. Ben there, done that, Luke. What he's doing here is just a fool's errand, which is trying to logic his way out of this. What are you doing, logicking your way out of it

and asking the friend for her take? The more he talks is like throwing dry wood on a fire. Right. You're trying to put that fire out. You're Only, you can't use dry wood. No. It's one of the worst things you can use. To quote Mickey, who was Rocky's corner man. I thought you were talking about the mouth. Get out of there, Rock.

Right. Get out of there. Right. Because Rocky was getting his face beating the shit out of it. He was trying to help him out. Get out of there, rock. Right. Luke, get out of there.

Say nothing. Rub her on her back and say nothing. Endure. Indoor. Endore. Get through it. Don't be a wimp. Don't be a wimp.

Did I already say zero bumps? Yeah. Okay. All right. Let's talk about it. Okay. Can I start us all right? Interline is all right.

Go ahead. Okay. I'm going to, we bounce around everywhere, I guess. I want to stop at Danny's. Oh, well, we start there. Santa Corita still sucks. Oh, yeah. And Danny.

You know, it's so crazy that they edit out the spider people that are crawling in the hills. It's amazing. one that eat the birds that have legs growing out of their eyes? They eat the birds. They eat what few deer roam those hills. Oh, the deers haven't been around for. Well, a fawn works its way into the fold every once in a while, but they have evolved to know that the back bent people, the people that walk on their hands with their backs

pointed towards the ground are dangerous. So they edit all those people out, but it's interesting that Danny's. humored is just crushing at the house, right? He does so well with toddlers. He just farts. He makes fart noises. Oh, yeah. He's such a great dad. Oh, man. And she loves the hell out of him. Yeah, she loves it. All right. Let's go over to Jason and Janet's house. Jason is still recovering from that mission where he saved six soldiers from enemy fire. He also took a bullet. Oh, I'm sorry, wrong note. No, that was lone survivor. Right. No, he, Jason actually tripped over his own feet on the basketball court.

Yes, yes. Pussy, pussy. Pussy. Oh, what a callback. Pussy. Now, we never could get the words down. Nick really nailed that. That was, yeah, Nick was really good at wrapping that.

But yes, he did tear his ACL during a pickup basketball game. And that's, I don't think that's, uh, Iggy Azalea, quite level of... You feel good. I feel fucking hot. Fire mark. Have you seen her freestyle? No.

You've never seen her freestyle. It's good. It's summertime, baby. You know what summer means? You got to address and you got to address how you dress. Oh, well, you shouldn't know how you dress all the time.

Right. But when summer comes, you've got to change how you get dressed. You got to get pieces that feel like. lighter, more breathable, things that are easy but still put together. And what is the perfect place for that? Quince. Quince. They focus on high quality essentials that feel and look amazing.

Think breathable linen, soft, organic cotton, well-made basics without the luxury markup, okay? Quince is spectacular. Oh boy, let me know when you need a personal testimony, Dill, because I got one. I would like it actually right now. Okay. So I bought a Quince shirt. It was a dress shirt.

I wore it at a party. this was last Saturday. My wife and I went, I went up to this bar, this house party had like a bartender and stuff, it's pretty cool. Girls kept coming up to me and go, Pat, take a shot with me.

That's what this shirt did. I felt so handsome and so cool in this new shirt because it fit my body perfectly. Yeah. I have broad shoulders, but for some reason, these shirts just like fit my body

and made it look hot. They take Pat's broad, powerful masculine shoulders and they taper down to his delicate, sexy little waist, okay? That's what Quince does. It's magic.

I don't want to put this in, maybe it should be in the disclaimer, but if you wear this shirt, people might come up to you and say, take shots with me back. Okay, okay. I thought, okay, elevate your summer wardrobe. Go to quince.com slash bad TV for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada, too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash bad TV for free shipping and 365 day returns. com slash bad TV. Thank you for sponsoring the show.

Go ahead, vamp. I have to pull it up. Oh, okay. Then Kristen visits Britt, and apparently Kristen was up all night, taking passport photos of the baby. And then Britt brings up knee. Hey, can you just stop for one second. Put it closer. I win when I win, when I win, no, when I'm going to leg

Like she got holes on call Okay, can you throw an end You threw an N-word in there, actually Imagine there is a zombie apocalypse And Pat's like the leader or whatever And I look at the group of- Sorry, you're the leader Yeah, I'm the leader because I'm a survivor list.

You know, I'll probably survive. And we're up on a hill. Okay. And we just like survive the first, like, the first wave of the zombies. Right. And I look around and I go, all right, everybody, name your skill for survival. And Iggy's there. And she starts doing that.

She's a survivor list too. Well, no, she made the first wave somehow. Okay. Maybe she did that and confused the zombies or something. It's so crazy when you're in public life, how like you have to commit to, like, she did a rap song and they're like, okay, you're going to do this. And she's like, I guess. I personally thought that was awful. Yeah. Yeah. Well, um, you don't know rap. That's why you thought it was awful. Um, okay, so let's get to the meal train. Let's talk about the meal. All right. So, uh, by the way,

Britt really hates Nia. She does. And she thought, uh, that, that baby train stuff was really just for show because, uh, after the mommy makeover happened, uh, she never checked in on. Now, we defended Nia to certain degree last episode. And our fans, they didn't come after us. They just had different takes on it. And I think a lot of people don't like Nia. And it's not because she's beautiful. It's because she's a fake, monstrous human being, I think. Need a little more time to sit on that one. Yeah, sit on it. I think that maybe monstrous is a little too intense, but capable of monstrous, I think is an easy thing to say about Nia. perhaps the spider people are staying away from their home because she is the queen of them she

sets up this meal train on camera very loudly in front of a ring of people then after the surgery nothing that that doesn't make any sense that's not it that's that's that lego set does not get built it is a great point okay so um nia is Although didn't Nia have a conflicting, a different version of their communication? No, she just said that she's sorry that she didn't reach out. She's got four kids crawling on her all the time.

Oh, that's, yeah, that's not good. No, no, it's not. Now, Kristen, well, Brittany says that Nia is a performative string pulling monster, and Kristen is the fly in the teeth that are closing in. Okay. Kristen's like Nia fandom. It just, it weirds.

I don't understand it. I don't get where it's coming from. It's not fandom. It's an alliance that she seeks. I think Kristen has come from such a rat like exists. Excuse me. Kristen's come from such a rat like existence in the past. What with being a waitress, it's sir for so many years.

And don't come for me. You know, look, we all had service jobs. They literally hung out in alleyways and smoked, okay? If rats could smoke, that's what they do. Okay. There were broken bed frames by them all the time. She sees Nia and she's like this angelic, radiant Christian woman seems like a good kind of thing to aspire to. But it's just this very desperate cling to the image of her that's very bizarre.

but yeah. Don't need to get too deep into the valley. Fair enough. I found this was funny. This part was funny. Britt thinks that despite what she said, she said, Danny and Nia are great people. And they're fake as fuck and Danny is an inappropriate drunk.

But they're great people, which I'd argue are conflicting. They're conflicting. Again, the Lego sets, that's not getting built. And can I say that if we do dive too deep into the psycho babbles of these people, we should just say something along the lines of like, we've hit Van Allen, right?

Because then you're going too deep in the valley. And people, people that are not from here, when you go north into the San Fernando Valley, you start to encounter a lot of shopping carts chained to telephone poles. And that's when you've gone too deep. Because why would you chain it?

I just wondered why that. Let's get to the two stars of the show, Jasmine and Zach. Jasmine beautiful ass what an ass well i'm going to say all right so yeah we're at bumpy and uh they get butt facials i never knew this existed jasmine's ass i'm a huge fan zach's ass looks like an ant hill where the answer they won't enter because they're they're very concerned yeah it looks like answer are weary of the structural integrity of the hill and they won't go in there because it's so flat and i do feel bad for him as a gay man the the rumps

in the gay community are just fucking fire. And then you get to Zach and it's, it looks like a bunny slope. I'm sure it looked way better. He even, to his own, admission said that it looks that way because after two decades of getting plunged like a clog sink.

You know what I mean? Okay. Right? That's why it looks that way. I thought you were going to go toilet just because there's shit in the toilet. Well, there's shit and asses. That's how asses are. They have shit in them.

I didn't want to be crass, Dylan. I lost my train of thought because of the lewd analogy you just put forth. Oh. Um, Jasmine's ass was beautiful. Yes, we already said that. Oh,

oh. Oh. If you were a gay man with means and you have an ass that looks like this, you get enhancements. And the problem with Zach is that he doesn't own any furniture and he lives in a box with holes in the drywall. So he's in no position, maybe next season, to make those enhancements yet. A girl can dream. So Zach brings up that Danny was lying about drinking at the house. And this is well trod, right? He lies about drinking. That's right. Because he's an alcoholic and he's also

fearful of scorn. We get into why he is not marrying Benji, who is, about to be thrown ruthlessly out of the country by little Stephen Miller, I think. Stephen Miller himself is going to come knock. He's a big fan of the Valley. He can't wait to throw him out of Benji out. That's right. Yeah. Yeah, he wants to get him out of here.

Yeah. Yeah. When Stephen Miller was a young man in making those speeches about how the janitors are disgusting, he was thinking about Benji and of Mexicans. Right, right. Well, you know, but Benji wants to have kids. and although Zach says over and over again that he wants kids one day, he's still on the fence when he really thinks about it.

Zach has a, I would say, quasi-decent reason for not wanting to get married. And it has to do with kids. And we should on Zach constantly, but I do think that that's a very good reason to be hesitant about marrying somebody. You've got to be an alignment on that issue. Now, he does weep while a woman is rubbing his ass, and it's very awkward. And I should say, as much shit as we give these two who are just bad television, do not have it, farmball players.

This was actually a pretty good scene with the two of them. It was pretty fun. You okay? I wanted to look up where bumpy was. Do you want to go? I wanted to call that person. Do not do this right now. No, I'm not going to.

I just, hey, today's episode is brought you by Lumi Gummies. Lumi Gummies are the greatest. I took one the other day during a movie. My favorite thing to do on planet Earth. Literally one of my favorite things to do on planet Earth, take a Lummi Gummy, you go see a feature film in a theater. It's bliss. It's heaven on Earth.

Dylan, I had the same experience. I went to go see Mandalorian and Grogu. Yep. And it made me like the movie. Did you take watermelon sorbet? I did. Yeah. Yeah.

That's a really good flavor. It's a really delicious flavor. You know, we got to hit Loomi up. I need some more Loomi, okay? I'm running a little low. I'll call them. Please call them. And please, if you're listening, listen to this.

Most edibles get us way too high, okay? But not Loomie. It's consistent, mellow, and super delicious. We love them. And you will too, okay? Loomy Gummies are available nationwide. Go to Lummigmys.com. That's L-U-M-I-Gummies.com and use code bad TV for 30% off your order.

Again, that's L-U-M-I-Gumies.com, code bad TV. Lumigumigmys. code bad TV. Okay. They're the best. They're literally the best. Today's episode is also brought to you by Ro. Row row, row, row your body into the place you wanted to be. GLP1. Listen, okay. You can get GLP ones on row. Okay. Go on row and get them. Look at my body. Look at his body. I lost 20 pounds.

There's this crazy thing where like, you know, no, people are talking about how difficult it is to lose weight. What with, do you hear about crumble cookies? They just released a drink that's 186 grams of sugar. Okay? We say it all the time. The food in this country, it's actively trying to take us down. It is. So use row, go on row and help yourself feel better.

It's a very difficult thing to do. A lot of us don't have time to just be at the gym for three hours a day. Hey, Del, my wife and I, personal testimonies, we both lost weight on Roe. So I can speak to this. Yep. Please support this sponsor. It worked for us. Rowe's free insurance checker makes it easy to see if you're covered.

Just submit your insurance card and Roe handles the rest. No paperwork, no waiting on hold, no confusing phone calls. Roe offers a multi-month membership option. Okay. In addition to multi-month medications, it helps members prepay and save on their GLP1 medication. okay so listen hmm listen up we use this pat uses this and you should too very affordable it was quick and easy within a week i had the medication within three weeks i started seeing results go to row dot co slash bad tv to see if you qualify that's r o dot co slash bad tv to get started go to row dot co

slash safety, row.com slash safety for boxed warning and full safety information about GLP1 medications. Okay, because you know you. I mean, your thumbs get a little out of control sometimes. I know. I mean, we, we had a 15-minute conversation with a hotel worker that we had to cut a large amount. Well, not, not, we didn't cut the entire thing out, but I think that you called, I think you called the win and said that you were Chinese and that you wanted. And that you wanted to get the suite or something like that. I think that's what happened. Anyways, we...

No, I said I was a whale. You said you were a whale. You said, uh, hold on. Let me get you through. Um, also I'd like to say, we'll likely do this podcast until one of us dies. It'll be me first, I would imagine. Um, but, um, I have to not live in a place where this can be done. We've talked about it before.

I'm probably going to leave Los Angeles eventually. I can't be in cities where this is available. I don't think it's real big. business. I just looked up on Yelp and I can't find it. It doesn't list it. Yeah. It's so funny. Like if we ever did move to like a forested area, I would miss Pinkberry, right? But I wouldn't miss that next to the Pinkberry is a place where Zach got his ass rubbed down while he cried about Benji getting thrown out of the country by Stephen Miller. Okay. Let's hit a meanwhile. Meanwhile, we bounce around the valley as everyone is preparing to go to Mexico.

FaceTime with Nia and Nia's got makeup on during the FaceTime. I am starting to really think Nia might be bad news. All right, fine. I'm open to this. Yeah. Or well prepared. Yeah, well prepared. Calculated.

She has a Roy Cone kind of energy. I don't, it spooks me. FaceTime with cast member, glam. Okay. Odd. Well, I was going to say at Danny's Place, their daughter, was that Adelaide? Yeah, she takes after Daddy. They both hate Janet with the passion of seven sons.

Yeah. And also, if you look close enough, Adelaide pounded a Natty Light and then she hit it under the couch. Mm-hmm. Just like Daddy. Yeah. And then Adelaide said, what are you talking about? I had like four of those ice drinks. God, she is so advanced for her age.

She's also a vicious alcoholic. It starts young. It really does. Yeah. It really does. But we also get to Janet, who asked Jason, if, uh, if she, in film and he don't. No, keep talking.

She asked Jason if she can go to Mexico and he says, yeah, you're about to get thrown off the show. Yeah, please go to Mexico and film. You're not going to get a third season regardless, but this can't hurt. So yeah, please do. Yeah, he said, uh, go ahead. Pussy. Pussy, pussy.

Pat. Pat. He can't fucking go to Mexico. He cannot get out of bed. He just tore his ACL. This is like six weeks later, dude. It's a really serious injury. I don't know if you know how serious the injury is.

Okay. If there was an earthquake and the house was collapsing, could he stand up and run out of the house? Not well, no. Pat, you're not. knee is not, his knee is not, it's kind of like floating right now. This part and this part are not really attached all that well. It's kind of a big deal. Let's put it this way. If there was an earthquake and he planted that foot to go run, his knee would just, gross things would happen all over again.

Getting a wheelchair then. Brittany does it. Brittany definitely does it. Yeah. All right. So let's get to, Um, uh, airport. Airport. Brittany is wheeled in and we land in Port of Iarta and Kristen is losing it. And I completely understand why she's upset. Um, evidently a fan took a picture of her and her naked child while she was in an airport bathroom. Not okay.

Don't take pictures of me and my child. Um, I'd punch you in the fucking face with or without clothes on. Do not do that. But I want to say this. And I'm not saying in any way that would be right. However, uh, when you're, I don't think they were. fans. I think they're probably just curious bystanders wondering what the fuck are these people doing with eight cameramen around. Yeah. Yeah, maybe. I don't know that there are a ton of fans of

our art, but yeah, elbow to the head, whoever did that. I wish this was, I, listen, I wish, at a time like this, I wish this was behind a paywall. But I do think that, Kristen, I get that it's complicated because she's breastfeeding. I think that Kristen could benefit. from some pharmaceutical help. Maybe some therapy. I don't know what she's doing, but she would hurt the milk. It would hurt the milk, right? Yeah, you can't fuck with that shit.

You can't fuck with that shit. You say it like take like a Xanax to chill out or some shit. No, maybe, I don't know, I'm trying to evolve. I'm trying to evolve. I'm trying to be open for people to take, you know, Prozac and Zalonipan or whatever the hell it is. So loft. I don't know.

She just seems like it's something that you can get through. You just got to, you got to get through it. but I don't know. From what I've heard, it can kind of stick around. She's not, she's really not in a good place. She's racked with anxiety. I find myself questioning, and I shouldn't, come at me. I apologize.

I'm not a dude. I have not walked in a woman's shoes after baby. Well, you are a dude. Oh, I'm a dude. Yeah, I'm a female. Sorry. That's right. Yeah.

Is she amping this up a little bit as a storyline? I don't think she is. I think she's literally spinning out of control from the stress. of the trip and just making it this fucking massive thing. Because she does not want to be here. She keeps saying things like, I'd rather be home because I don't want to miss this moment. I'd argue you could say that about any moment in your child's life.

I think that she's using that and there's, it's a half truth. I think that she doesn't want to film because who the fuck would want to film, right? But also she doesn't want to film because there's a little Howard Hughes thing going on where she doesn't want to go outside. she doesn't want to go on this trip she just she just fucking gave birth she doesn't want to have to do this but unfortunately she was that alley route for so long she can't do anything else yeah so i fail for yeah i feel for it too it's not a fun thing to watch um but the babies the babies get on one bus this is this is a kind of thing that like it's a little triggering okay Kristen is trying to

sleep this child and they arrive and this guy just blows a fucking conch shell and wakes the baby. Like, I would fucking lose it. I just, I'd be like, why the fuck are we in Puerto Viata right now? We have a fucking child against Allie Rat has to do it. We went to, uh, during spring break, we went with another couple and the kids up to a, up to a, uh, up to a wine town. And we went to a Michelin's star restaurant with the fucking kids. And it was the most miserable fucking experience. Um, nope. dumb they they they do not and i used to always rip on our friends for saying no not doing it it's like bring the kid i always used to think be dutch about it leave them outside they're going to be fine take them to the topis bar we're going to be having a good time yeah at 730 doesn't matter they can

no no no no you're negotiating with terrorists when you bring children to restaurants after terrorists you can negotiate with. They want something. It's a really good point. They're worse than Al-Qaeda is what you're saying. That's my point. I feel like something that we glossed over pretty quickly was Jesse's credit card got declined. We did because they never touched on it again.

God, that guy's a loser. He's a bit of a loser. Lacey finds something in him, though. Oh, yeah. The way that Buffalo Bill finds things in people. put the lotion on the bus could yeah she wants no i said i did i say this last episode she is using him to be on tv yeah and i want her to continue to do it i want her on oc i want if lacy was the nail in tamara judge's coffin oh my god what a beautiful parallel by the way they just ran the trailer

for oc i am so upset that emily and fucking meatball are back i'm like No, I thought they got kicked off. There was dumb posts. You can't believe the internet. Emily and Meatball are back. Yeah. And Tamara's back. Mm-hmm.

And Vicki's on. Of course. And Jen? Jen's back, yep. Katie's gone. Katie's gone. And there's one more newbie. What about Gretchen?

No, she's gone. She's gone? Mm-hmm. Gretchen came back for a season. Yeah. Not good TV. I thought she was fine TV. She's better TV than fucking Tamara and Meatball.

Paul and Emily. Get in the comments. Let us know. All right. So Tom says, we're here. Let's booze it up. And deliverance, aka Luke, says,

yeah, sounds good. And that's when Kristen goes, hey, buddy, got a fucking four-month-old, okay? Why don't you handle that before you start getting wasted with Tom,

Tom Schwartz, who lives across straight from Wiener-Styl in a shotgun house, too many steps. David to 27-year-old, okay? Different lives.

You want to go live that life? I can't live that life. Okay. Then she starts crying. He goes, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I feel, I feel like you're really coming down on me right now. Yeah, she is. She is. Okay. As they're checking into those rooms, we, I think we, I wish, God, I wish Ruby was here. Do you see, uh, the interview with Danny where he had the leather pants on? No. I guess we'll gloss over that then. He had leather pants on. Leather pants on. He's really feeling himself. They are, this is, um, you see, see Danny with his shirt off at the pool. And then we see Swartz with his shirt off at the pool.

Hello, Dad, Bod. Different. Right. Schwartz is not a dad. Switch those bodies. Now it works. Danny and Nia. Danny is constantly working out.

He's got four children. Nia is constantly in glam. She's got four children. They spook me out. I'm fucking... I shouldn't have a body like that when you have four kids. I told you someone. said the righteous gemstones is based on their church.

Makes sense. All right. So Lacey and Jesse have a chat. One of the highlights of the episode, Jesse's like it's going to be an hour and a half drive. She goes, I know, I've been there many times. She just brutalizes him. He is a chicken fillet.

I love her just dominating him. There is no reason for her to be with him other than this was the easiest way to get on reality TV. Kristen and Luke fight some more. Can't do it. Bad TV, bad watch. I don't know if it's because we have really young children. I have a one year old. You have a two year old and a five year old. Anybody with grown children? I don't know. Let us know. Is watching Kristen and Luke hard for you? It's triggering. Is it triggering for all parents? Like it's just, whew. I hate that word trigger. But I will say it does bring back some of the worst times of my marriage. Yeah.

Because I'll share a moment. I'll share a moment. This was two years ago when my wife truly hated me and I used to talk about it on the podcast. Yeah. I was laying on the couch on a Saturday. And my wife was in the kitchen. I think both kids were sleeping. And my wife goes, can you do this?

Like I said, I'm busy. And she goes, what are you doing? And I said, I'm ordering Viagra. And she went, ugh. Right. Right. that's when she was in her phase of truly hating Patty. Yeah.

Ugh. Disgusted. Right. With even the thought of sleeping with her husband. Yep. Mm-hmm. And it's this thing where you're not- I don't need Viagra every time.

It's just occasionally. Well, when you're in the doldrums of your wife hating you, you probably need a little chemical enhancement because it's, when you're in the thrusts of it. it, the thrusts of it. You go, oh, what are we doing? We, we hate each other right now. We're not supposed to be doing this. It's not what people who hate each other do. But yeah, it's just very triggering. When you haven't slept, when you're just tapped, you turn into a different human being. You're just, you're not the same person. Sleep deprivation makes you a dick.

Makes you a dick. So while the boys drink, Kristen is with the baby and expresses the presence that mothers tap into more so than guys. You're only gonna, she's only gonna be this age once now. We mentioned it. It's a half truth. You just wanna more than anything, you want the lights down.

You want room service ordered. And if, and I'm not commenting on the weight or anything like that. I'm just saying if there was a cheeseburger in front of you with French fries and no one was bothering you, the crying wouldn't be as bad. No. It would be bad,

but it wouldn't be as bad. You have to film. I agree. And also, um, I'm glad they actually showed her sister trying to help because sometimes they would cut that part out in the past and make it look like Kristen and Luke were just by themselves with the baby for better dramatic fashion. Yeah. Yeah.

All right. So we get to. Meanwhile, the girls know that Luke is being pretty helpful to Kristen. Yeah. And he's being very patient with her. And I thought about it. And I was like, the fucking bar is so. low for them.

And I'm speaking of, because the following girls were talking, we had, this is the murderous row. Well, no, it was Jacks, Jesse.

Yeah. Jason. Uh-huh. And then if you want to throw in the new guy, Brandon. So, yeah.

Luke is like, yeah. A superhero. Yeah, he's the Clark Kent of this group. And he sucks. He still sucks.

Brittany continues to just Brittany. out. You call somebody over here. I'm fucking my catwiff. Oh, shit. I'm fucking my. I don't fucking do. I don't know.

What the fuck I do? She sounds like it is a little freestyle. I suck a fucking crab leg down and I'll suck a fucking dick. I don't care. Just bring him over here. I don't fucking care. By the way. We know, Brittany.

You were just dating a guy who asked you for $40. I do not understand the Lala appeal. Obviously, she's got a huge podcast. She's beloved in this universe. But her and, like, Brit are having, like, uh, who can sound sluttier on this show. Like, I fucking, I don't know if dicks, I'll get slapped in the face with fucking cocks in my fucking face. I don't think we. Oh, oh, Lala did say.

Did that. Yeah. Yeah. I'll fucking kiss in him. I'll fucking do anything. Yeah. Lala's just, I don't know if it's a slutty thing. Um, but it's just Lala's, uh, like overtly sexual a lot of the time.

Yes. I wouldn't know a good relationship of a cock slapping in the face. What is that cock slapping you in the face? I have to do with a little time. I get it. Oh, fuck. That lifeguard row there? I don't know.

I'm fucking horny around. I'll fuck him right now. Oh, you're trying. Go ahead. See how that works out. All right. So Danny asks for, or excuse me, Zach asks for a shower cap at the bar from a Hispanic hotel work.

Hold on. You're jumping through the day. We go to the pool. Swartz jumps in the pool. That's when he gets the holy dad bar. Jesus fucking Christ. From you or from the cast? From me?

Okay. Eating too many corn. dogs, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. And then

those corn dogs are good. Then Swartz is excited for his fucking birthday, although his girlfriend's there. And then he, he asked the guys, hey, man, don't fucking, you come from me,

man. Don't come from my, my girlfriend. I think Schwartz is a lot smarter than he lets on. I think Schwartz is, when we compare him to the pantheon of these people,

I think he's a rocket scientist. More calculated. Yeah. probably he he lets he lets words slip sometimes where i'm like oh that that was a fancy one or demonstrates that he has like an understanding of a nuanced like personal dynamic and i'm like yeah yeah but then he does that that oh yeah he did it here he goes um hey guys don't make fun of her my girlfriend being dumb like la la did earlier that's not cool man you just come from me she's not dumb it's just because she sounds dumb it's not she's stupid. It's because she's on drugs.

So leave her alone. We get up to not the fun zone, the no fun zone. The rainy night. Chris and Luke fights some more and Kaya is crying. Really, really, this was a brutal scene because we had a colicky baby. I don't know if it's colloquy. She's in a new place. She's just crying. And again, it's like, oh, fuck. I, I, understand why you guys tried to do Vanderpump rules again because this fucking, I mean, you failed, but this is just crazy. All right. So

we get to Schwartz a Paloosa. It's not a Paloosa, as Tom would like one, he's on too much Molly to know what a Paloosa is and two, they had to move it inside. It sucks more than his townhouse. Yes. So Danny shows up and

Jesse and Michelle both agree. Your outfit is fucking disgusting. You look like a father in Orlando. Let's go. Let's go. This was a look in, I want to say, 2011 maybe. The very tight pants with the Chelsea boots and the flowing top.

What do I always say? What do guys dress like? Yeah. They dress in the same attire with the year that they got the most vaj. He dresses like he was raking in pussy at a Justin, Bieber church. That's how he dresses. He dresses like he's part of the gospel band at a church where everybody's fucking each other in Santa Monica. And it's plain to see. It's just plain to see. This party is dead. And we bounce around just dead things. I'll do a couple of me.

Yeah, please. Kristen comes over to the table to bum everybody out. Yeah. Meanwhile, the girls make fun of Jesse being a cuck for Lacey. Yeah. And then Kerson argues with Luke and she kind of exaggerates about things that he said that he didn't say. And then Luke gets advice from the guys and Danny says, look, look, look, look, listen to me,

listen to me. Yeah. Stay. Stay. Stay united. Stay united. Stay united as front because they'll come for you. Also always hide empty liquor bottles in the laundry basket. Right. They'll never find him there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Wink, wink. Yeah, don't put it in the trash. They're going to look in the trash. Don't put it in the trash. He starts screaming. Then Nia comes over. Honey. Honey, you're doing it again.

She's Catherine Keener from Get Out. She's like, Honey. Okay, so the entire episode turns into basically a crisis hotline for Luke and Kristen. Right. That's what Tomapalooza has turned into. There is one little piece that I think Janet wishes got a little bit more attention.

What's that? Her admission that she's bisexual. Oh my God. Oh, boy, does she want to stay on this goddamn show? Yeah, Janet is a bisexual. And she'll fuck Michelle. Michelle is her dream girl. And you know what?

Jason's okay with it. And you know what? She's okay if Jason fucks guys. Hey, yeah. She's okay with Jason fucking guys. She'd be, hey, Janet, let's experiment. Let's watch your husband get plunged like a sink, which is what you said earlier. Let's do this.

Report back after you've seen your husband get split like a log. I don't think you'll find it that attractive. Can I ask you rolling back? And I don't mean to be crude about homosexual male intimacy. I'm sure it's beautiful at times, fun at times, gross at times, like regular sexes, okay? But when we roll back to Kristen and Luke, this is what they're like at four months. I know that everybody struggles with this stage, but they're not married. Marriage really, if you take it seriously, that kind of commitment can get you through.

It's, oh, we're fucking married. What are we getting? We're fucking married. This is what we got to do. They are not married. What percentage chance do you give their survival, survivalist? That's a hard question. I will say, this is where you're in the trenches.

And this is where you build the foundation. If you get through this together, then you're stronger together. Many people are not strong enough. And this is where you break up. This is where you hear like, wow, they broke up with the kid one years old. And there's so many of those. So many times, dude. It's because they fucking could not get past this stage.

Yeah. It's so common. I'm telling you, I've got friends starting to get divorced. It's like, whoa, it happens. So Janet's a bisexual. Great. Kristen is going to bed. And we head.

We're in the hallway. We're in the hallway. This is, Lala quickly says, I wouldn't know a good relationship, have slapped me in the dick with a face. What? we get in the hallway. Luke is, at this point, he's just given up.

I can't do anything with this person. I'm just going to go get fucked up, right? And he sits in a chair. He's bereft. He's downtrodden. He's sad. And Brittany, Kristen's friend comes up. Fellow mama, the worst person Luke could possibly talk to about this.

He does his best. He says, you know what? Take care of yourself tonight. I'm okay. I'm just going to sit here. No, talk to me. Come on. I'll talk to you if you won't talk to me. Come on. Let's talk.

Well, my wife's being a bitch to me. Hey, don't come out to me that way. I'm going to defend her to the end. Don't you dare fucking call her bitch, you goddamn little fucking weasel, huh? You won't go fucking fishing, huh? You rat fuck. Not a good person to talk to. No.

Luke, are you, did you for one second think you were going to get any compassion from a fellow woman who's been through this, who's also her first. Talk to a plant, dude. Buzzsaw. Talk to a plant. Just don't jerk off in it. I hope the season gets fun. Me too.

In the comments, let us know what you thought about the episode. In The City starts next week. That's right. We're jumping in. I don't know how many episodes it is, but I feel like we're jumping in 60% of the way. Not much has happened, honestly.

It's just kind of getting going. We're starting to learn some of the characters. Okay. Yeah, yeah. All right, cool. Cool. Fellow Bachelor contestant on that show as well, Whitney. Mm-hmm. Really? Yeah, do you remember her? I do. God damn it, I do. Would she on Nick's season?

I think she might have been on Nick's season. Yeah, she's very pretty. Very pretty. All right, get in the comments. Love you. See you next week. Bye.