Another Below Deck Podcast - Triple Dippers and a Child's Memory | The Valley S3 E17

Episode Date: July 26, 2026

Dylan and Pat are back to break down children, divorce, the housing market, chain restaurants, therapy and more from Bravo's The Valley.PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/anotherpodcastnetwork  YOUTUBE: https://www.youtube.com/@badtvpod  INSTAGRAM: https://www.instagram.com/badtvpodcast/?hl=en

Michelle had her first French fry like two weeks ago. I don't think she's ready for a jalapeno popper. Oh, my God. Jim Downey walk on stage. We are all dumber for having to watch you on this show. Fuck. It's so good to be back. Hey, what's up, dude?

We haven't had you in a little bit. Well, it's been a week. I missed an episode. And boy, I'm sure, uh, sure glad I missed last week's episode. Why? Why? Last week's episode that you guys covered.

Yeah. You and Ruby? And was, was Lorian on that episode? Lori Alterman? It was me and MP. Oh, was you an MP? Yeah. Okay.

Uh, all right. Let me cover the, uh, that episode real quick. That was the one where you went dress shopping. Oh, that. That's right, yeah. We, a lot of talk about Danny's Nutsack. Yep. A lot of fucking dead dog talk.

That was Lala's dog, right? Okay. And then those poor fucking heels that were assaulted by Britney's feet. Right? Remember that? And I'm not kidding when I say, if those shoes could speak, they would have called an attorney. Hello, Garragos?

This woman's attempting to rip me apart from the inside with her massive toes. And it's not right. Hello. Have you ever been gored by something that's not sharp? Well, I'm currently being gored by five of them right now. Ten. Ten,

that's true. Class action lawsuit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, each one of them. It was a fun episode last week. It's like King Kong trying to fuck a car tire.

It's not going to work. Anyway, my point here is that was a horrible episode. And I'm glad I wasn't here for it. But now I'm back. I'm happy you're back. And I'm very grateful for MP for filling in last week. Thank you, MP.

We talked about the importance of actors taking on the role of the mentally handicapped and how it can do wonders for your career. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. Was Daniel Day Lewis famous before my two left feet? Daniel Day Lewis? Yeah. Does that predate him being in the last Mohegan?

I don't know. Well, that came out in 1992? Get the comments. Let us know. All right. Slow start. We got to get into it. Slow start. I fucking coming out like fire, man. Great start is what I meant to say. Okay. Let's talk about this episode of the Valley. Right. Let's not focus on the past. No, no, no, no. We're not focusing on the past right now. This week had all sorts of stuff for us, right? A lot of really, really great stuff.

So how many rotten hells would you give it? Okay. God, did I like this episode? Well, I like all the episodes. This is the worst show on television, but it's just wonderful. We had divorce papers signed. We had Lala show up at Kristen's house to tell her that she should like Janet. Not that she should like Janet, but that she shouldn't call people's confessions of being sexually abused in the past bullshit. That's right. That's right. Yeah, that's kind of the thing that she was like.

Is this true? Did you say that Janet's lying about being sexually abused in the past? Yeah, that's right. I liked it. I liked the episode. 14 schneefs? 14 schneaves, baby. Hell yeah.

All right, give your schnees. I cried this episode. Why? I cried when Jesse and Michelle were signing those papers. Why? Because of how sad divorces and how beautiful their focus and love for their daughter is. And when Jesse said that when you become a parent, you become your child, its memory.

Yeah, I just kind of cried. Yeah, yeah. And they were talking about, he said, I think, if I'm remembering correctly, that he has a box of pictures so that Isabella one day will look through those pictures and go, wow. Mom was dating a guy who couldn't close his eyes. Yeah, that. And also, Mommy and Daddy, they had a good time and they loved each other.

Yeah. And then she'll go on the internet and find season one and two of a show called The Valley and go, oh my God, my parents were douchebags. Well, I'll go, my father called my mom an affordable escort. That too. That's bad. Wow. Memories.

Memories all alone in the moonlight. I give it seven schnaves. Hey, Tom Schwartz looking pretty good this episode, huh? Oh, he looked great. Why don't you get into it, okay? All right, all right. I got to play it second. Speaking of a snorts,

snorts. Did you, can I guess what the title of that video was? What? Bear attacked by porcupine? No, it's snorting. Oh, fuck. Okay. All right.

All right, we bounce around the valley. We go to Swartz's condo. It's Keani's birthday, and Swartz pulls out all the stops. He went to the grocery store. He got a sheet cake. He got a sheet. She ate cake. But what am I saying?

She loved it. Children love sugar. Yeah. Kids love sugar. And that's why she's so happy. Yeah, she loved it. Now, the thing about her is that she's a kid that loves sugar, but also booger sugar. She loves drugs.

Yeah. Then we get to, we get to see Michelle in her element. I'll say really quickly, who doesn't love drugs? Okay. Drugs are fun. I don't fault her. She's of age. Yeah, she's like 28 or something.

I think he's lying about her. I think she's 25, but that's okay. Okay. We get to see Michelle in her element, moving high-priced real estate. You know, watching a real estate agent strategize and negotiate is like watching Oppenheimer work on that Manhattan project.

You know, just seeing people do what they do. It's, and not to throw any shade to realtors. I understand that there is, a lot of details. What is the expression about details? The blank is in the details?

Devil. The devil's in the details. Okay. So I understand that there's like acronyms that you have to know and you have to be on top of the marketplace. You have to know which neighborhoods are, I understand there's a lot. Let me give an example. But let me just say. I understand there's a lot of things to keep.

you know, on top of. But let's not get it twisted. If you go to a flea market and watch a merchant haggle with a homeless person over paying $7 or $5 for a radio that doesn't work anymore, it's the same thing that Michelle is doing at this beautiful home. Dylan, I actually have the transcript of what took place in that. Very nice house.

She was talking to the seller. She goes, the seller wants $7 million. And she goes, okay. All right. I think I know what we should do. Why don't we come in at asking at 6.9 and see what they say. Bam! Nothing like watching pros work.

Yeah. Yeah, it's a little bit like watching Andre Agassiz play tennis. You're like, I don't even know how he's doing this. It's so impressive. But I go back to the flea market. I'm not paying seven for that. It doesn't even work. All right, let's head over to...

I'll give you five bucks. Deal. Meet me at six. And a rat scurries across the table. That's what she's doing. Okay. Magoo's coffee shop, this is with Benji and Zach. I love Benji and Zach.

Oh, they got some bad... They fucking hate this fucking shirt. Everyone does. why did you buy that shirt? They got some bad news at that immigration office still. Benji is running out of time and money. Now, Zach could solve Benji's issues by just marrying this guy. Can I smoke in here?

Are the kids coming out here? Oh, no, you can smoke away, buddy. But they don't agree on kids. Benji wants them. And Zach says he needs a year to figure things out. So here's the thing. Benji can't work

because if he goes to work his name will come up in a database and Christine Ome's husband with a big fake rack of tits will come and personally throw him out of the country then we've got the kid problem and while I agree that Zach is just a giant blockhead of a human being

he is a monster and energy drink refrigerator. Zach is well within his rights to say, what I want from my life and my future is to bounce around Boys Town. Until I can't even, I'm so bow-legged, I can't even walk anymore. That's his call.

So I understand that like Zach seems like he's forcing this thing on Benji, but Benji is kind of like forcing kids on Zach. and Zach's like, people are well within their rights to go, I don't know if I want fucking children. So I'm kind of on Zach's side here. I love you. But if Christy Numbs heaving fake tittyed husband needs to come get you, then that's fine. I'll be heartbroken. But see you later, Benji.

I mean, you could get thrown so much further than a lot of people. Santa Clarita. What do you think Benji weighs? I'm going to say 62 pounds. He's a little guy. It's very small. Have you ever seen an owl with all of its feathers shaved off? No.

Kaelan, can you pull up a picture of that real quick? Why would an owl get its feathers shaved off? It's not, it's, um, in, in like museums. Oh. It doesn't happen out in the wild. I was going to say, but there's a poor owl, feel naked in the wild. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's just a, uh, Kailan, have you found it?

Oh my God, that poor thing. Oh, no. You know, that's how crazy their feathers are. It makes them look so much bigger than they are, but their bodies are actually very small, kind of like Benji. Look it up, people. Oh, my God.

You know, when you see what an owl, it's like it wears a gigantic fur coat. Oh, yeah, a puffa jacket. And underneath it is like an elderly man. Can you believe those things kill things in the wild and eat them? They're one of them. true hunters of this planet. Wow.

Owls are one of my favorite animals. I love owls. I love animals of all shapes and sizes. Can you believe that, uh, that husband, uh, threw his wife down the stairs, killed her with a fireplace poker and tried to blame it on one of those goddamn owls.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Son of a bitch. All right. Let's get to Santa Clarita. Uh, Nia returns back from being a, uh, yes.

Being a judge, uh, uh, for Miss USA. Yeah. And she's not shy about admitting it. was so nice not to be around an obnoxious drunk for three days. No, and I take your point making the joke like that, but I do want to zero in on what

Nia says because I have officially at really, not quite hate. Like, I hate Tamara. I'm not at hate with Nia, but I really don't like her at all. You don't like Nia? Not at all. Why? I think that she is so small-minded. She's so, she's so, she's so.

I, it's a little bit like Ruby with West. Like, Nia's just so hot that we've been completely thrown off the scent. Other than protecting her, Eddie little ant farm person. Hold on. Like an evil version of her. Other than her lying for her husband's drunkenness and bad behavior to essentially protect her brand.

The stuff that she does with Zach later on in the episode, the, the political maneuvering. She thinks she's Circe. She's, Circe was trying to get to the Iron Throne. Nia's trying to get to Santa Clarita. We talk about the game of or shit. Nobody thinks that this is Kaelin. We told you so many times not to sneeze in here. You thought,

you thought Nia was really, really pulling strings. I mean, the stakes are so low. I thought Lala, who I do like, but I thought that was absurd of her at the end of the episode, laying out how these strategies are working. I think Lala's right on the money. Oh, give me a break. Okay. Well, Nia comes home and she says,

it was so nice to be around people that support one another. Okay. You're talking about the pageant world. One of the most Tanya Harding kind of like environments you could possibly be in. So you don't mean that. It's just she's just trying to paint the two of them as these victims. and I'm so over it. You're on reality TV and your husband's a drunk. I will say this though.

The pageant world, given that these girls are coming from different parts of the country, some of them from southern parts or small towns, whatnot, you're telling me that they're more shallow than the likes of people like Janet or fucking Jasmine.

Pat, not only people from Los Angeles can be manipulative little egotomaniacs. I mean, people in the Midwest lie, people in the South lie, people in the Midwest. But you're making the comparison of the beauty contest world versus the assholes on this show. I'm saying her need to stretch out the victim narrative

of the two of them by saying that the pageant world is supportive is fucking insane. But also a throwaway and not that big of a deal. All right, right, right. Well, here. Okay. So I thought it was endearing that she had even thought for a second that any of these people on this reality show had good intentions because they never have. There are always been thirsty, lost assholes that have sold their souls to be on TV and to make money doing it. If Danny being eaten alive by a lesbian dolphin would increase the ratings on this show, they would root for it. Yeah, I think so. It's just the game, babe. All right. So, let's just the game, babe. All right. So let's get to Jesse and Michelle. Jesse makes Michelle some tea. Well deserved jab at the honey. Well deserved jab. Now, we get ready to sign the documentation for the divorce. And like I said, what do you think? I think that the, you become your child's memory is like one of the more beautiful things I've ever heard about parenting ever. I think that was a good line. And it came from Jesse. Well, he had heard it from...

He'd heard it, but he was the conduit. I thought that was a good line, but I would argue that they'd sullied their memories by him being on TV, telling 35 guys, some of which he had no relationship with, that her mother sold her body at a remarkably reasonable price to millionaires. And then she will be remembered for... not judging, but maybe society. Well, exclusively dating people that are famous.

Yeah. So what Jesse did was he basically told a bunch of people and then everyone that his wife cost just marginally more than like a swamp cooler, which is damaging to the memory. Arguably. It's a little bit like Luke and Vader. Once you cut your son's arm off, it's tough to come back from that. They do, but still.

Okay. Spoilers. All right. How do we feel about cracking champagne for this moment? I'm okay. I'm okay with it. I think that you're sensitive enough with it. I'm okay with it, but her weeping, I thought was ridiculous.

I don't know. It's like, it is really, it's, I'm seeing divorce and my friends now, and it's really, really shocking to have been in love. You think about when you get married to somebody, you get married to somebody because you have these experiences that are so filled with love and excitement and happiness. And then you start hating that person. It's like a really crazy shift.

Well, let me tell you why I think this is performative. You do mourn the ending of a relationship, especially where someone you loved, like a death, not as, obviously not as dramatic, but you mourn it because it's over. There's finality in it. She's been over this fucking guy for three fucking years. It's over. It's over.

So this was performative. Okay. So I got to say, well, we get to a magical tiki. Ah, the magical tiki boat. This is my worst nightmare. Yeah, this is bad. I don't want to be, I don't want to be. Here's the thing.

If Dan Bolzerian asked me to come on one of his yachts in my cute little two-piece, I would say, actually, no, I don't want to be anywhere that I have to swim to safety. Now, I'll go out on a boat for a little bit, but if it's like a boat boat, you're in this little tiny thing and you're out in whatever, what are they, in Burbank or Hermosa Beach or something, I don't know where this thing is. But anyways, Lala orders a virgin pina colada. The rest of them ordered just regular pinocaladas. I think that's a pineapple milkshake.

Yeah. You know what? I said last time I hadn't drank in rum in a long time. I have drank rum. Only if it's in a pinocalada. A pineapple milkshake, essentially a pineapple coconut milkshake. So Schwartz tries to help the bartender. He says, hey, if you need any help, I, you know, I ran a couple of bars.

No, he said I ran a bar. and she says, do I look like... He said I owned a bar. No, no, no, no, no. You owned two failed bars. Two, sir. Well, he owned nothing. So it's very important to say that he owned nothing.

Because if you own 2% of something, that's not even close to a majority. Okay. But anyways, I guess you still own it. So Michelle is going to be going on a date with This guy, Max. She never dates clients. Hey, one thing I love about summer is how easy everything feels.

Me too. It's just easy, breezy. The days are a little more relaxed, and I can find myself reaching for the same comfortable clothing over and over and over again. It's easy. It's summer. Are you talking about Quince? That's why we keep coming back to Quince.

Quince's 100% European linen pants and shirts are breathable, easy to throw on, and the summer upgrade your rotation needs, starting at just $34. dollars. Linen is one, it looks good. It makes you look like you get a little bit of class and it's breathable. Linen is the best. Okay. And the Quinn stuff, I've been popping on the Quinn's shorts at the house. It's a little hot. We don't have Central A.C. We're in one of these charming, uh, old apartments. Yeah, yeah, very cute. But it gets hot. Quince, let's me breathe. My haunches, dry, smooth and beautiful. Well, here's my endorsement. I exclusively only only, wear their shirts.

Yeah. Makes me look hot. Yep. Make your summer wardrobe easier. Go to quince.com slash bad TV for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com slash bad TV for free shipping and 365-day returns. Quince.com slash bad TV.

Today's episode is also brought to you by the marvelous people over at Loomie Gummies. Imagine if edibles made you feel. good, not wonked out of your mind. Okay? You want to go to a movie, take an edible? Fine. Don't take one of these nuclear ones. You won't even know what's going on. I took a nuclear one and I went to a movie. I thought I saw the Odyssey. I didn't see it. No, you saw that new movie with I saw minions. Yeah, you saw minions. And it fit, listen, it felt epic, but that's what happens when you're way too high. Now that won't happen with Loomy. If you need help with sleep, they got it. you need help with anxiety, they got it.

If you want to go to a movie, watch it, and know concretely that you saw the movie that you paid for. They've got it. Consistent mellow and super delicious. Lumi Gumbies are specifically designed to make you feel good, not stoned. All right. Fucking URL somewhere in here. There we go.

Jesus. Yeah, Lummys are available nationwide. Go to Lummigumbies. com. That's L-U-M-I-Gummies.com and use code bad TV for 30% off your order. Again, that's L-U-M-I-Gummies.com, code bad TV. Lumi-Gummies.com, code bad TV. Thanks, Loomie. Her line of work, which is high-end real estate, sets her up perfectly for the dating market. Perfectly.

She's selling homes to a lot of men who are either fully estranged or just sick of their wives. Michelle would of course link up with somebody like Michelle's gorgeous. She's successful. Yes, she's just in the right circles to meet somebody way more impressive than Jesse. That's right.

All right. So Schwartz says that everyone is dismissive and weary of Janet's story of sexual abuse. And Kristen, chief among them. Now, we get a double down for the ages. Kristen's had multiple opportunities to soften this a little bit, and she has not until the end of this episode. You know, her point is, I think she says it's not that I don't believe her. It's that I just don't like her.

That's what she softens to. Oh, that's what, okay. But her point was that her, she's, the accusation is that it's contrived. And she's pulling it out. it's either fabricated or she's pulling it out at a time that she thinks it's going to present the most usefulness. I'll say this. I know it's mean-spirited. That's her opinion having known her. And it's, I think it's okay to have an opinion on someone. It's definitely not okay to have that opinion on this network on this show.

Well, given our climate and such. Well, and she's... Are these the things that just people say in the quiet of the night and whispers? I think it's just gross regardless of the turn of 20s. 2016 or whatever to say that somebody's sexual abuse stories is not true, which is what she did in the beginning kind of. And I would just thinking, we'll get to the Lawa conversation, but Kristen's going to have a tough time at the reunion. That's, that's a tough, it is. That's going to be a tough moment at the reunion for her. So speaking of, let's get to couples counseling.

Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, that's right. So, um, Um, what is there to say? I can break down a couple things. Yeah, go for it. All right. So the therapist brings up something I've not heard before, but we should all know and more people should talk about it. Having a newborn in a relationship is, in my personal experience, um, is the biggest

stressor in my life and therefore also in my relationship. Yeah. my partner. It's one of the great marital stresses. Not, it is the, the, I don't know. If you're, if you're going broke, I think that's probably pretty bad. Yeah, okay, those are financial. Yeah. But this is the one that just, because you don't talk about it.

You're just thinking, oh my God, we're going to have a baby. This is going to be amazing. Right. And then you're like, why the fuck do we want to kill each other? Why the fuck do I hate you now? Why the fuck are we not? having sex. Why the fight? Blah, blah, blah, blah, but list goes out. How many people? How many people can you reach out to? How many podcasts can you listen to? How many YouTube shorts can you scroll through to understand? You don't believe it. You don't understand it until it's really just laid out for you. No, I know. But when you're in the middle of it, the people have circles that they can,

they can lean on. There are ways to get the meth to, to procure, the message. It's temporary and it's hard. Dylan, no one ever, Dylan, I'm telling you, no one ever told me straight to my face. They said, like, little things like Lynette used to tell, our friend, Lynette used to say, weekends are when you work, when you're, uh, the weekdays are when the kids are at daycare or whatever, that that's your vacation. All right, little things like that. I would hear and go, okay. I don't want to get bog. I don't want to get bog. down on this too much. But, but I have a hard time believing that you didn't. I understand that when you have the baby and it's your first baby, you, there's a lot of bliss and you think it's going to be

this beautiful thing. And then you quickly realize that you've actually booked a one way ticket to hell. I had no idea what my wife would hate me as much. Right. Exactly. But within the, in the middle of that, you got to come to an understanding, you, you come to an understanding that it sucks, but, but it's just a period that you're going to get through. Right. Luke does not understand that he needs to have a level of constitution to get through this. He is, well, I want to pull my notes back up because it's, it's just unbelievable how much I dislike this guy.

He's my least favorite person on this show. You're not going to give him some grace because he's immature? None. He does say some pretty fucked up, which is he explains that why he doubles down on the, I don't know if we can get married, is because he never met the pregnant Kristen before this. This is why I hate him, right? Because he is, he's very dumb.

So to not understand, he frames this as though this is, this is, an aspect of her that he didn't know before. And it's this thing whereas he views it because he's so fucking dumb that she was hiding this or that this is something that he's now going to have to live with. She had a fucking baby. She's in a hormonal supernova and it's not it's not a high. side of her that is going to be there. It's just, this is really, really tough. It doesn't reframe how you think about your fucking wife.

Let me be the attorney for the caveman. Yeah, go for it. Most dudes are unaware that this is what transpires after a woman has a baby. He is a dumb caveman. Why do you think most divorces happen the first two years of a baby being born? It's because shit like this. dudes are not emotionally mentally prepared to understand the needs of the female. That's why I'm saying it would be so nice if we fucking really educated people to go like

totally. That was my whole point. And I understand what you're saying. We will fail. There's no, there's no, you're not going to have a high batting average when you're a guy and you're dealing with this stuff.

There's no way. You don't get her. She's going through a ton of. So it's always going to be really, really messy. but the the chicken littling of it all is what is super frustrating. And doubling down and not being understanding the idea of throwing things out there, like I said,

he hadn't meant the pregnant Kristen before. Like that's, you've had time to sit on this, you idiot. Right. What the fuck are you doing? And yeah, my larger point is like,

that's not a person. The pregnant Kristen is not a person. And it's a period. And looking at, we've got another death. Redbeat Bumpkin who they always want to have more children expeditiously. I always love that. He wants to have another kid. I always love that. We want. What? The therapist says that Luke needs to hear. I hate the way we end this conversation.

We end it with a session in stillness, whatever the fuck that means. We end it with the therapist telling Luke that he needs to hear that his, his stupidity has caused Kristen to recalibrate and make sure she doesn't cause him this stress again. So it's almost as if she's pushing his head in a pile of love. She's like, are you listening to what she's saying? She loves you so much that she's willing to do her best to change, even though she's the one going through. through the fucking crazy biological torrent.

She loves your dumb ass so much that she's willing to change more than you are. Right. Ugh. Well, look, good therapist. Sorry I get so animated. Dylan, your wife is a therapist. Yeah. Good therapist, no matter how, they try and find a way to get you to the water to drink it.

Right. Totally. All right. So let's get to me, Ma. Cruz is doing better. And Janet heads over. Well, yeah, it's because that rage Coke-filled Attic isn't living. of that goddamn house.

Yeah, no, it's very stressful when they're around. It's almost like the, um, what a rage-filled coke addict is the dad in the house. It's a little bit like the temp, the thermostat, I was always said at like 57. You're just like, what is going on in here? I'm so, I need a jacket.

His energy just, I can't even imagine it. Um, Janet heads over to pick up Cruz because, uh, Britney can't. And she begins talking about Halloween. I love Halloween. She loves it. I'm going to throw the biggest party I've ever thrown, okay? It's going to be a Victorian vampire, Renaissance mansion, Halloween, Bonanza.

Okay? And she's going to be doing a photo shoot. We will get to the photo shoot. Okay. Now, we had to, we hatch a new engagement, an unironic big brand chain restaurant outing with Janet. My baby back, baby back, baby back. I won my baby back, baby, back, baby back, baby back.

You're supposed to do baby, back, baby, no, no, no. I want my bedded back, baby, back, I'll take it. Keep going. I want my beda, back, baby, back, baby, back, baby back. I want my bed back, baby back, baby back. I want my baby back. Baby back. I won't my baby back, baby back, baby back.

Do you know this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's been a while. I mean, they ditch that one long time ago. Yeah. Chili's where I haven't been, that Chili's they went to is Encino on Ventura Boulevard, is the second cousin to Fridays, also a menu that is 38 pages long. Also, they serve, well, their menu has no theme.

Well, their menu is designed for the illiterate populace of the United States of America. It's mostly pictures, it's loud patriotic colors, and it's fried foods. it's one of the horsemen of the apocalypse Janet does not see it for what it is, a thinly veiled missile. She is going to go in there and have a great time. Look at the cheese

pole. Shut up. Okay. Also, we spent $600 on breakfast from McDonald. It's just a lot. There's no way. She was doing supersized me, Ben. He's dead.

He died. By the way another guy who went out right at the right time is getting me too it's like oh let me just die i don't want to deal with this bullshit Morgan are you eating McDonald's again yeah why no reason oh my god your energy levels are so low yeah um welcome to McDonald's would you like to supersize it yeah yeah they got rid of that Because sometimes you fly too close to the sun. These companies have made it a mission to kill us and make fun of us along the way.

But supersized me, that's a little, we caught on. I've never seen longer. Do you want to supersize it? I think they're trying to kill us. I've never seen longer lines at every McDonald's in my life now. did not work. No. They're still killing us.

Oh, yeah. I haven't eaten McDonald's now in three months. Last time you said two years. No. French fries are some bullshit picking it up happy meals for the kids. I feed my children this poison. Right. Yeah.

Well, the last time you ate it was three months ago? Three months ago, yeah. What did you get? French fries. Ice cream. Sorry. You get French. French rice and ice cream?

Yeah. I think I meant to say fast food in general. Okay, so you get a Sunday or a Flurry? They don't sell Sundays there. The cone? The cone. You get the cone. God, I haven't gotten a cone in a while.

It's hard to take in a car. That soft serve is pretty electric. Okay, sorry, we're getting distracted. I just smoked a joint and you're talking about McDonald's soft serve. It's like I'm kind of fucked up right now. Okay, so we're going to be going to Chili's, and Nia and Kristen are not going to be invited. Now, burn!

You don't get to. You don't get the cheeseburger egg rolls. You bitch? Okay. Wow. All right. So we get to Chili's. Janet says, I'm from Ohio.

I love a chain. And we talk to, about her ordering $600 to breakfast from McDonald's. Now, I just, I want to just drill down on this a little bit. I, I Googled it. And Google's AI said, $600 can buy you 65 to 100 McDonald's breakfast menu items. Now, I'm not saying that Janet didn't have monstrous mornings where maybe she put down three or four egg McMuffins.

You could do it. there's, I just don't think, maybe she was post-mating it, so the delivery charges and stuff. But $600 a month on breakfast is just one of those. 600 a month. Oh, I thought through the entire pregnancy. Okay, that's a lie. It's a lie. That's one of these things. It's just like, you can spot those things where, like, oh, God, I don't know about that. We have a moment from Zach where Michelle walks in, she's in a bare middrift and he says Michelle had her first French fry like

two weeks ago I don't think she's ready for a jalapeno popper oh my god I Jim Downey walk on stage we are all dumber for having to watch you on this show

fuck I mean and then then after that little dust up he has with Brittany for some reason about dismissing her feelings. Then he goes and shits himself in this disgusting fucking creature throws away his underwear in a Chili's bathroom. Can you imagine? Disgusting. Just you know a nutria? You know Nutria? Nutria. It's an Everglade rat. They're an invasive species. They look like massive wombats, right? Yeah. Now, now,

yeah you see the nutria oh yeah that's that's what i thought it looked like yeah calum pulled up we're going to see one of those i think on uh this season of orange county yeah she's tamra yeah um now i don't want to insult neutria and and while they are an invasive species um there are people too zaka goes in the bathroom and tries to jim carry his way through a routine of shitting himself. And, um, he shits himself. Oops, poop. What do you mean oops poop? He's peeing. He farts. A little shit comes out. Now, we've all been there, right? Not at a Chili's restaurant. Well, most, for the majority of people, it actually does take place at chilies.

Because the, um, the fajitas act fast. And also the, the, the triple dippers have, it's more cheese than you could ever imagine. And your body just can't process that stuff. So. Couple that with a, a Nashville flaming hot oil. You're going to. to the point where I wonder if they have like three restrooms, you know, one for this. Can I tell you?

Yeah. When I worked at Weatherveined Sil Foods, which was 90%. Yeah. It was a seafood restaurant, but 90% of it was fried food. I mean, we were frying everything. At the end of the night, I felt so bad because I got to leave. I only had to clean the kitchen. I would see both the men's room and the ladies' room, the poor guys with,

the moth buckets, what they had to clean up in there. Yeah. People made messes out of that place. Fried food out. Yeah. Looks like, you know, barbarian when they go into the house? Yeah. Yeah, it looks like that.

But let's talk about really quickly the etiquette that one has to demonstrate and display when you mess yourself. Zach goes in. shits himself, right? It throws away his underwear, an obvious first move. You have to do that. You can't then go and sit your nasty, shitty, shitty ass back down at the table, loosely in your jeans, okay?

And Lala smelled that. And there's, Pat, you shit yourself. You need a power hose. You need at least a shower. You're not going to just take the toilet paper at that restaurant. and get the scent of that mistake off of you. You're going to go back and sit down at the table? I mean, just a crudious thing to do. All right, we've talked about it for way too long.

He's disgusting. All right, so. Let's get to the mummy makeover, photo shoot. Yeah. Yeah, let's do that. Very sweet for Brittany. She has been belittled for years, and it feels like finally she can be proud to be herself.

Also, who pays for a photo shoot for, Just themselves. It's just, it's very odd. Yeah. What did you think of the photo shoot? I thought, I thought it was great. Okay, let's move on. The gals sit down.

Why did you want to get there? Well, we have to cover it. So let's cover it. I said what I think. Oh, well, the, uh, her friends Lala and Kristen show up for support. And then the three talk about the group dynamic and Zach and, Zach and, uh, her friends, Lacey actually hate Janet, but won't admit it. And then we learn that Lacey walking into Chili's was actually on the phone with Chris and

said, I fucking hate this bitch. And then Nia apparently has been acting like Vito Corleone pulling all the fucking strings, you know? And that's what they told me. I want my baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back. I want my baby back, baby back, baby back. I want my baby back, baby back, baby. I want my baby back.

Chili's Be. Lala lays out You gotta watch the office, man. You gotta watch the office. I've never seen an episode. Lala lays out how Kristen has been rolling on Nia

while sharing it to her homies. Lala. You simply cannot speak like this. It's simply so unbelievable that you are speaking like this. I want to talk about really quickly the Forgotten Four. see the post on Instagram that this crew is all at, this chain restaurant together.

And Danny asks, what's up with Zach the flip-flopper? And Nia says, this is where you got to listen to who Nia is. He's not flip-flopping at all. He's Janet's best friend. It's so pathetic. The two of them are so pathetic. He doesn't like Janet. He likes you guys.

To be this like petty and cagey and paranoid about friendships at this age with this many children, it's pathetic. So let's get to... Lala visits Kristen. Well, first there's this thing where there's a clip of Nia mocking Zach for acknowledging Zach's presence on the boat or on the bus. And we get, and then we get Zach. We get a lot of lookbacks. A lot of lookbacks. A lot of look back.

Yes, at this gameplay. And then Kristen says that Zach texted her to yell at Janet on his behalf at the Halloween party. I can't believe they're putting in writing. Can you believe grown adults behave this way? I mean, he is just, it's crazy. All right. So let's get to Lala talking to Kristen. Lawla has essentially gone there to cut this off at the pass.

Go, Kristen, you're on Bravo. You cannot do this. I would argue maybe one of those little secret texts. Like, I'm going to show up here. And then you're going to go, yeah, you're right, Lala. Right. We should support women. Which is exactly what they do.

We'll get to the season finale next week. I'm very... Next week's the season finale. Next week's the season finale. And then we get the, the reunion, which I'm very excited about. Until then, get in the comments. Let us know what you thought about the episode.

We will see you next week for more Valley. I'm Dylan saying goodbye. Say goodbye. Later news!