Another Below Deck Podcast - When You're Hiding Bottles | The Valley S2 E5

Episode Date: May 15, 2025

Dylan, Ruby and Pat are back to break down the 154, alcoholism, purple food, hall passes, The Little Mermaid and more from Bravo's The Valley.Patreon - Patreon.com/AnotherPodcastNetworkYouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@anotherbelowdeckpodcastKOALA - U.S.KOALA.com/BadTV 

The cultural phenomenon, The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, is back with an all new season now streaming on Hulu. Where is everyone at? Mom Talk has gotten to a really hostile point. Demi's willing to kick Jessie out of the group. I feel like I'm walking into a line stand. It's gonna get messy, for sure. Mom Talk is turning on each other left and right.

The police are here. I can't see this going any other way, but a pure bloodbath. This is so toxic. The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives now streaming on Hulu. If you do the following, you're an alcoholic. Yeah. And one of those was sneaking around drinking when people weren't looking.

Yeah. The other was hiding bottles in the trash. Oh, yeah. And about two years ago, when I found myself shoving wine bottles down into the trash bin and covering them with paper plates, yeah, yeah, yeah. I took a long look in the mirror. Yeah, I've done that with fast food. I've I've consumed, I've gotten large orders of fast food before and I've tucked them at the bottom of the trash can, kind of like Paul Rudd in This Is 40

with the Sprinkles Cupcake. I'm a fat ass. So anyways. ["This Is 40"] ["This Is 40"] ["This Is 40"] ["This Is 40"] ["This Is 40"]

["This Is 40"] ["This Is 40"] Hey! Hello, and welcome to another Brandspang new episode of Bad TV. I'm Dylan. Pat is alongside me. Great to be here.

And my dear, my dear, dear sister is calling in from Parts Unknown. We don't know where the hell she's calling in from, but she's here to talk about the Valley. What's going on? What's Maybe she muted her mic. Yeah, no, just go ahead and say hi to everybody, Rubez. Oh, no, I and say hi to everybody. Robs. Oh, oh no. I wasn't going to bill you out of that horrific, horrific thing you got yourself into. But hi, Del. Hi, Pat.

How are you? Great. Doing great. Hey, Del, should we brace the audience for what may be taking place in the next couple of weeks? You have maternity leave, so it may just be Ruby and I helming down the. Yeah, yeah. I'm I'm going to, you know, everybody knows that I'm a little mommy and that I'm gonna be gone for a little bit while I am bonding with your baby. Yep. Skin to skin sleep deprivation. You know, I'm really looking at it kind of like, you know, uh, that it's going to be peaceful. I'm looking forward to the energy of focusing on my wife

and my child, but is that naive? So it takes all kinds. I was bored to death. What does that mean? How you were bored to death. Yeah, yeah, I was bored to death and terrified of what the future would behold. Okay, all right, great.

Mellgen, the comments, let us know, how are you excited about it? How are you looking excited about it? How are you? How are you looking forward to it? Listen, my mouth is good today, I think. And we're here to talk about the Valley, the San Fernando Valley is the show. Well, that's Pat.

Go ahead. Ah, we're here to recap the Valley. And I must say this right out of the gate. Bravo out of all the cable networks and regular networks, makes the best reality TV. I've decided that. They have really amped up their efforts in this past couple years.

I felt like they were falling on, resting on their laurels a few years in the past, but now they're back to form. Yeah, I mean, Max is back to HBO Max. Bravo is back to making reality television good again. And I don't know what's going on with Nat Geo, but I'm sure they're probably doing good stuff too. That's probably a network filled with shows about people that are obese.

Oh, Nat Geo? I don't know. That's TLC. Nat Geo is probably a combo of people digging through lockers of trash to find baseball cards and you know, lions and tigers and bears are on my. Sure. But that's my bad for talking about it. Well, let me say this. This show, The Valley, is bananas. Just being accused of gay for pay. I mean, where do we go from here? I think into the third, fourth, fifth, sixth, and beyond circles of hell. I mean, these are the most horrible people we've seen on reality television in a while.

I know that we've had our Teresa Godici's and our Tamaras, but as a collective, I mean, you think Nia and Danny stuff really all over the place with this show. It's like a game of where's Waldo, but for trauma. Are you going to rate it with the new movie? No, I want to let everybody know that today we are sponsored by Koala. We're going to be talking about them later on. Should we? I'll continue to go.

Danny, I feel, is in fact... I was gonna plug Ruby's substack. Oh sorry. Let's do it at the end. It's Gangs of New York. We'll do it at the end. Go ahead. Well, Danny, as I saw it, he is in fact an alcoholic. He's a raging alcoholic. But I can't ding him for being a complete drunk with this particular episode. And how come? Because he probably woke up at six in the morning to do that voiceover work. And then, I don't know, with traffic that can be a two hour drive back up to Santa Barbara.

He's a little tired. He wants to catch up. He does. And then he passes out. I don't know that looping sessions are at 7 o'clock in the morning. I think he probably got up around, you know, 7.38, made his way over to Barbank around 9.30 or 10. Drove up to Santa Barbara at a brisky hour and 40 minutes and then proceeded to get blackout

drunk because he's a little alcoholic and a binge drinker. So I'm going to call balls and strikes today. I'm just letting everybody know I'm gonna call fucking balls and strikes today. Well, you better be calling bumps Okay, we're all over the place right now, okay follow Ruby on sub stack at gangs in New York and Get in the iTunes range reviews leave five stars kind words Be weary of nerds clusters. They are delicious. They will however, give you poo gas.

Let tell you something. I would never buy a box or bag of nerd clusters, however they're packaged. However, Menchies is a establishment that I frequent very often. Menchies has nerd clusters for topics. Menchies is a establishment that I frequent very often. Menchies has nerd clusters for topics. Menchies has nerd clusters. Oh no.

My daughter got it. Oh my God. And I was watching her eat it, because she likes nerds. And she's like, daddy, I'm done. Cause you know, I overfilled it. So it's not like she didn't have two pints of it. Yeah.

And there's probably about two inches of it. So I go, let me get a little taste of what's being laid down here. This is amazing. This is I take a bite. It's a flurry of flavor. Just black off my mouth. I couldn't find the flavor profile, but all I can say is I was instantly addicted. Yeah, no, it's like an ayahuasca trip for your tongue. I'm trying to tell you. No, but but actually like you have children, would you not agree that it is an elite experience of flavor? It is.

Yeah. I cannot deny it. And I couldn't wait to talk about it with both of you. I'm so happy that you gave it a shot. Don't have too many though. You know what I had over the weekend? We went to go see friendship, which that's a movie. Hilarious.

Uh, I wouldn't say that it was a good movie, but very funny parts that like laugh out loud, whole theater, everybody laughing out loud and actually Zach Woods, you know, Zach Woods, the guy from the office and, um, silicone. I was getting goobers and he came and asked my wife if the seat was available and she said no and he had to go to the front of the theater that lengthy fella and my wife joked you know this is just City of Stars right we'll talk about it later City of Stars that's why we don't have hall passes here because we you know run into people like Zach Woods of the theater so over like she said it would be hilarious if I just let him sit down and you came back and I was stoned out of my mind I was

like what are you doing in my seat famous person kind of famous person but anyways we got goobers there have you had goobers in a while? It has raisins in it right? No peanuts it's like it's like raisinets but peanuts. Oh okay. It's fantastic. I'm good I like that.. Okay. Let's get into the show patreon.com slash another podcast network. Join us there. PMC. You got a hot PMC tonight? Oh, yes, I do. Lots of twists and turns in this one. You're really going to enjoy it. Oh, wow. I'm trying to connect my PMC with Mother's Day. Okay. I think it went sideways. Yeah, I was initially, I'd found out that John Travolta's daughter, Ella, had created a tribute for her mother, Ellie Preston, who it's been five years since she passed.

And my joke was Ella was giving a tribute to her by not having sex with a masseuse. Okay, cool. Also want to note Ella's kind of like not full name. Like we're almost done with that name, but it's not. Yeah. Oh, and I do wanna tell our listening audience, that joke was not up to snuff, so I ditched it. And I wrote a better ep.

Okay, great, join us at patreon.com, follow Ruby at gangs in New York York down sub stack.com. Um, I want to let Ruby give her bumps because you and I have been yammering away. Okay. Oh, about this show. Oh, you and I have, I wasn't sure if brother and sister talk about Valley when I'm not around. No, we just pretty much talk about Israel. Uh, go ahead. Um, so and we, we, we scream at each other all the time over politics and stuff. You know, it's like me and Ruby just can I tell you what just happened

to me. So so my loving, loving fiance has just gotten home while we've been recording and I didn't hear him and in the reflection of my window, I see his body moving in my bedroom. You do too. So the fear that, right, so what's overcome me, because I can't see that, it's only a dark reflection. Now is- Do you want to do a little box breathing and calm the nerves down and we can go? I'm going to have to go hit my bong after I give my bumps. Okay.

But this episode was a nightmare for me in so many ways. The, the, the van breaking down. Oh, when it's hot. That's so hot. So hot. Oh no, no. The show needs Jack's back. I hate to say it.

I know he's bad for his family and everyone else, but I, it was kind of boring without him. And I think that Nia and Danny are some are are are fueled with something very, very dark, like like abyss dark that we are starting to see. And I can't wait. 84 bumps. All right. Headed strong, headed clean. Well, I agree with her sentiment about Jax. Might I add, I believe Binge, his face on a popsicle stick has been more prevalent in the last couple episodes than Jax has been. I remember that guy. Yeah.

I actually loved it because it's these people have made some kind of agreement that there is no low that they won't go for entertaining the masses and I appreciate the hell out of that. I cannot believe Jesse and Michelle are doing this show with one another but they are. Yeah. No it's really really... she told him he was broke and blew all their money and he got paid by a gay guy Yeah, and then it's just open-ended what we were paid for Jesse yeah, she she did say that Yeah in front of all his quote-unquote friends. Yeah, you know, I feel bad for Jesse and audience don't come from me I feel bad for him because he is a pathetic human being.

Oh my God. And his self-esteem is in the gutter. Every part of his life is to impress others, improve to them that he has value and is an intelligent person. But he's actually an idiot. I don't think he knows anything about why. Forty pumps. Okay.

I love this episode. I disagree with Ruby. I think that Jax was not missed. I think that we had so much stuff between You know, there are all these little morsels right throughout an episode of the San Fernando Valley on Bravo. I mean Luke talking about The Little Mermaid Luke talking about how he's never been to Monet. Luke trying to check the engine. I mean, Luke's weird.

Yeah, Luke did help out with that engine though. Yeah, he said, I've deduced that it doesn't work. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I could have done that. That's a beautiful road they were on, by the way. That was the 154. I hate the 154.

It's the turn you take up going up a hill that's about I don't know three miles Just straight up into the mountains Yeah, and if you're ever in Los Angeles and you're going up the coast you're on the 101 and your Google Maps tells you to take the 154 just don't do it just stay on the 101 and you'll Either lose or gain one minute either way. It's negligible, but don't go up there. It's uh, it's too windy. It's too scary You could die um Yeah, I loved the episode Either way, it's negligible, but don't go up there. It's uh, it's too windy. It's too scary. You could die um Yeah, loved the episode jesse got super dark

Michelle got super dark nea. Danny got really dark and zack May have reached a new low Uh, he is a weevil of a human being and I find him to be both disgusting and annoying. So let's get into it. Last week we left off in beautiful sunny Santa Barbara. Is this the show? This isn't where we do the Chirons, right? I'm a little leery.

No, that's Summerhouse. Okay. All right. I can help us outery. No, that's summer house. Okay. All right. I can help us out here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the morning and Jesse's up early because he's one of those early riser drunks. Yeah. And the only reason he's up early is because well, they pass out early. So yeah, well also, um, he's sucking down champagne. We FaceTime with, um, with little helmet head, uh, Janet's child. Do you need those helmets?

No. Okay. Zach's side table I want to talk about. It's one of the most disgusting things I've ever seen. I'm not saying that if you're on vacation, you can't crack open a can of onion dip and leave it open, right? But that does add to the tapestry of filth.

The most disgusting thing is a two liter bottle of Diet Coke. Now, there are debates on TikTok. People debate the best vessel, the best medium of Diet Coke, you know, whether you prefer a can, a bottle from McDonald's, from Popeyes, whatever you want to say. A two liter bottle of it is without a doubt the most white trash disgusting vehicle for Diet Coke. Ruby, go ahead. Okay. So this isn't a fucking debate. It's hard to go fast food because they are technically regional chains. And if God forbid they're not all automated, too much agency in the employee to pick. That being said, small glass bottle is elite. And if you disagree, don't talk about it with me. I think I would argue that one liters are more white trash

because that's very clearly a single serving for some of the cantina. You know what I mean? Right. Right. Right. But here's what I say. The cultural phenomenon, the Secret Lives of Mormon Wives is back with an all new season now streaming on Hulu. Where is everyone at? Mom Talk has gotten to a really hostile point. Demi's willing to kick Jessie out of the group.

I feel like I'm walking into a line stand. It's gonna get messy, for sure. Mom Talk is turning on each other left and right. The police are here. I can't see this going any other way, but a pure bloodbath. This is so toxic. The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives now streaming on Hulu.

What age is it like, okay, this is not okay. I have to change my sheets before I go to bed. When you spill food, wet food in your, no, no, no, in your, where you put your face. When do you have to say, I have to change my sheets versus put a towel on it. And then also probably not change them for two more days. What age? I say 19. Tanner Iskra I would say that he's a pig in a tragedy, but listen, Jesse is on, I think so much Adderall. I think, I think- Jason Bahl It's the only way he can survive two bottles of

Shamps. Oh, yeah, I knew the amount he's drinking and the gauntness of his tiny little gerbil face I mean, sorry, I don't want to that that was too me. No, no, it wasn't okay. Not at all. He's he's he's He's a lawn gnome He's he's a lawn gnome and He's, he's a lawn gnome and he's on so many methamphetamine salts. It's crazy. Yeah. Well, Dill, this would have ruined the show but he almost went home that morning.

And I think he told Glew and Doughty, he said he was going to drive home because this trip isn't going as planned. He thought Michelle would be more receptive and chill. Does it go existing? Yeah, yeah. Despite him telling her he planned on moving and taking their daughter to Orange County and alleging she was selling her body for the price of a used laptop. But he decided, you know what, he's got to give it another day. Or a new laptop, but a very small one. Maybe a 12 kind of on the go.

Not an apple. No, not an apple. And then Jesse adds, but he changed his mind and will stay and he's hired some chefs to cook dinner and he's quote unquote grown and matured. I love that he was threatening Jason last episode that he was going to drive home. That's like threatening somebody with like something good, you know, like if you were in a confrontation and somebody was like, you better get the fuck out of here.

I'm going to give you $5. You'd be like, I'm going to stay actually. By the way, did you know how Jesse got on the show? No, him and Jack's go way back. They used to model together. Mm. Tracks. Yeah. Mm. So, listen, he figures, Jesse, little model, little long-knit model, figures that he's going to stick around for the benefit of the group. And he's got to cut the kind of nerve static of all those, all those milligrams. So he starts drinking a little early good news though we've got a breakthrough back at rehab jax is bipolar yeah uh yeah or he's lying about it because he can't be trusted uh because this could just be a big big fat

coke lie he's probably in a hotel in North Hollywood. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't, look, we have some therapists and psychiatrists that are fans. Yeah. I don't, the timeline right now, I think he's been there for three days. Does he get diagnosed being bipolar after three days? I'm not sure.

I mean, I think, I mean, you know, mental health experts, let us know. I feel like there are certain people that you need to do know. I feel like there are certain people that you need to do some tests, and then there are certain people you can pretty much just smell. You smell bipolar. I mean, Jack smells bipolar.

Or drug addict. Yeah. I mean, things are murky, things. Ruby, this is what's so confusing about this show and his stint in a quote unquote rehab, is I don't know did he go into a drug and alcohol rehab did he go into a mental facility they're very vague on the details yeah yeah they're two very different places I'm

pretty sure well listen and again therapists let us know but I think that mental facilities are state sponsored public kind of things more often. If you have a robot on the other line going, it's going to be 30,000, man. That's usually a cliffside Malibu type of thing. That's what I was thinking. Yeah, hibiscus teeth. These people have a commercial on television and a billboard in places where they have

billboards that say Jesus can save you. That we know. Right. But also, yeah, I'm being serious right now. Do these types of places exist where you pay 30 grand and they give you your phone to reach texture wife and do cocaine in the breaks? I don't think you're allowed to do cocaine, but- Some facilities you can.

Oh yeah. Cliffside Malibu is very expensive. I mean, it's- It's like 30 grand a month. It's 30 grand a month. So, I think it's rehab. So anyways, we head out to a winery. Jesse has downed two bottles of champagne.

He is hammered. He is the only one who is standing, twerking, and he's actually kind of being pretty much actually kind of a lot he's bouncing up and down and twerking and all that stuff actually blows the engine out of this vehicle now if this vehicle had not had Jesse's little ass twerking all over the place and had not taken the one fucking 54 they might have been able to just make it there. Sure.

You know? Taking the 101, that's just a flat stretch. Yeah, just a flat stretch. And overheated going up that hill. Yeah, but thank God we've got Luke there to fix the engine. He takes a peek and like we mentioned, deduces that he actually can't do anything about it. He doesn't have the tools. Now, Jesse is trying to hitchhike because he's shit-faced and Michelle says, I'm glad

everyone finally gets to see what I deal with. Michelle, the word finally is not applicable to this situation. We've been watching this for nigh on 10, 12 hours at this point. We've pretty much seen it from the get-go. Right out of the gate. Well, I want to say,

Oh, go ahead, Ruby. I was just going to say the thing that I think a lot of people forget when their husbands do reprehensible things when they're getting divorced is This doesn't make You look good. Like you married it you stayed with it. You had a kid with it Brittany Michelle Like this is a really I mean, yeah bad picker So bad picker are in an indictment that you may be made of the same cloth. Now, I want to say something.

Yeah. When Jesse was holding his thumb out there joking around hitchhiking, he was very close to odd coming cars. And I had thought, yeah, I bet there was a little part of Michelle that was thinking if a car fucking takes him out and flips him over and double ends his Head and he's gone for good. Yeah, would she not in her head say problem solved problem solved I was thinking I mean have you ever fantasized about your uh You would never kill your spouse, but if a piano fell on him and took him out would there be a little party you thinking? Well, that's a bummer, but now I can watch my shows in peace.

You know, it's crazy. Um, you know, I, I love my wife so goddamn much. And it's crazy that marriages get to a point where you actually fully and in your bones think if a looney tunes type piano fell on my spouse right now it would be sad but I'd get to watch my shows in peace. I mean that happens all the time. I think it does. Definitely with older people it's almost like they've been together so long that they're completely comfortable with feeling that way. Oh yeah I mean our dear um aunt and uncle Chubby and Tina I mean he is down um, aunt and uncle, Chubby and Tina, I mean, he is down, down by the swimming hole now and she's up at the trailer and he saw the ambulance come the other day and didn't see a, uh, a towel over her on the stretcher so he didn't even bother to look or go up there

and check. He just figured she'd be okay because she wasn't dead. You know what I mean? I mean, things get really, really brutal in marriage. And that's why you have to have open communication. Good communication. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You got to keep it spicy, too. You got to do butt stuff, I think. Sorry, I said that it was just a joke.

And I did you guys? Yeah. That's okay, Dell. Did you guys know that this episode had like the lowest ratings ever for any, like the show is doing terribly apparently, and they are thinking about recasting it? Yeah, awful. You know, this could be downstream ratings. Weird, because we really like it.

This could be down ratings. By that I mean, the second episode was so goddamn dark that new people coming in, because the lifeblood of a television show is you have to have, there's always a, yeah, you lose people. So you have to have always new people coming in and new people. If that second episode with Jack's, uh, in that whole dark thing was the first view at the valley that you'd heard you need to watch. I think a lot of viewers would be like, I'm out of here, no thanks.

So I'm out. What a bunch of goddamn pussies, man. I really hope that we don't get a sugar pill kind of show for the normies to freaking spank their fucking dicks too. Wow. Now Bravo also, sorry sorry we talk all Bravo here Bravo denied that they'd canceled Real Housewives of New York but they have in fact canceled Real Housewives of New York as predicted by old Patty here six

months ago when they were getting 330,000 listeners per viewers per episode. I'd say that the writing on the wall. OK, I'm sorry, I need to I called Dylan earlier and he was busy. And so I had to call Cece and she was in Target. And I said, I need you to listen to me because I'm watching old New York. You can literally cut this. I don't give a shit. I just need you to to both remember that this happened in the way that I just didn't remember it at all. When Bethany does all of her be strong stuff for Puerto Rico, which is beautiful and really cool. She takes to she takes Dorinda down at one point on the trip and they're at dinner with this like remarkable group of people that are like obviously doing fucking amazing shit

and Dorinda is belligerent and she keeps like combatively like someone at the end of the table is talking about the earthquake in Haiti that at this point has happened seven and a half years ago and she's picking up Brussels sprouts with her hands and she's going that's not crazy is Haiti there that it's there's There's earthquakes there, it's crazy that that would happen. And then he says that their kids go to college and she was like... The cultural phenomenon, The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives is back with an all new season now streaming on Hulu. Where is everyone at? Mom Talk has gotten to a really hostile point. Demi's willing to kick Jessie out of the group. I feel like I'm walking into a line instead. It's going to get messy, for sure.

Mom talk is turning on each other left and right. The police are here! I can't see this going any other way but a pure bloodbath. This is so toxic. The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives now streaming on Hulu. And she's slurring her words, but I'll speak clearly. She goes, oh, okay, so it was four years ago and kids are going to college?

And the guy's like, it was seven and a half years ago. And yeah, and she goes, okay, it was seven and a half years ago and now they're going to college. I don't think that the people of Haiti are going to college. And he goes, well, our kids are. And you got like that, that is what we had. Right, right, right. How about when Dorinda and Sonya Like that, that is what we had. Right, right, right. How about when Dorinda and Sonia,

and I forget who else was in the mix. Oh, no, and they are at a sexual assault survivor's benefit. That poor girl. And- Brady. Yeah, and I forgot what they were squabbling over, but they made it about themselves. Well, what about that time when we were down in Puerto Rico? I think it Donald Trump was throwing out all those paper towel rolls to everybody. That was fun too.

It just, we had Luanne, when Bethany gets the text message of him making out with the girl at the Regency five days after they've been engaged and they're on her like party. So in law. Okay, guys, we can't do this. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, no this is horrible, I'm sorry. All right before we get back to the show we want to talk about a lovely sponsor. There are a lot of awesome things to come out of Australia, the Empire State Building, Will Ferrell, Kristen Wiig, the Grammys, I mean this is an amazing country. But another thing that comes out of Australia is the Koala sofa bed. It's now available in the United States of America.

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Six other couples? Well, you got, you know, it's, that's 12 people so you got to have a 14-seater with the driver that's gas and all that so you know what I've complained so much that I think that my invite has been cemented to not arrive and I'm okay with that well you're gonna be nursing that beautiful little baby of yours you're not gonna want to drive and leave her at home to be with a bunch of drunks and solvents for an entire day. Yeah, I mean depending on how the rearing goes, I might take you up on one of those one summer and I might be the Danny. You're welcome to come. I might be the little Danny. I hope so. So, wait for me like Nia. I hope she doesn't.

There's my hardworking little guy. Okay, sweetie, go to bed. Shut the fuck up, Danny. Go to bed. Don't talk to your wife like that. What I will say is I think that they have to address, like there's going to be somebody that gets into this home as a babysitter that puts a hidden mic in somebody's room, and we will hear something that will be as explosive as the tape of Jack's fucking faith and telling her that he thinks Britney's fat.

Is there a tape of him fucking faith and saying Britney's fat? Um, yeah, she recorded it and then she sent it to somebody and then Ariana played it for everybody at a party. And that that's where rotten hail came from. Rotten hail. Oh, sorry. I'm not up on my history. So the wine evidently is going to wake Jesse up. LOL.

Wine never wakes you up. No, it mellows you out. It never wakes you up. It is the downer of booze. So what a beautiful table, what beautiful oak. The Grissini family vineyards. I looked this up. Yeah. So I'm gonna check this out when I'm up there next time. Look pretty. This is in the San Yeas Valley. Yeah. It was confusing because they conflated it with Santa Barbara where they in fact have a winery tasting room which I hate those. There

are a lot. Never do those. When someone says, let's go wine tasting, don't go into a room the size of a shoe store. There are a couple of good wineries, Santa Barbara, that, you know, but it's, it's not a. They're tasting rooms. Yeah. They're boring. You got to go where the grapes are actually harvested

and made. So go to the vineyards. Yeah. I need to go up to Santa Barbara more often. I hate it. Plug, plug for Plug for where we were this weekend, just inside Family Plug, we forgot to tell you this, we went to an unfucking believable winery. It was absolutely beautiful. And you both would have loved it because it was sectioned into unbelievably large areas. And one was for families or people with pets. The other one was for adults only. And the other one

was like a thing that you could rent out for weddings or events if you wanted to just have your private friends there. Thank you for this. Yeah, you need a lot of space. But oh, also plug, if you're ever in Santa Barbara, go to go to Barbara Raino restaurants. A great, great spot. Great spot. So these poor Grissini family fucks, they do not know what they're allowing into their boos. But anyways, yes, they are an hour away from Santa Barbara. So start out with a ripe tropical Sauv Blanc. Zach doesn't need to swirl or sniff, he's just gonna drink it like an adult who fights like a child with a two-liter bottle of Diet Coke on his bedside table?

And he also has hair that looks like a Lego hair. I really I don't know if we've said it I Don't like Zack I don't like it. Oh, he did have me neither. I don't like it He did have the line in a night where he said if Jesse was gay He still would not accept him in the gay club. Yeah. Well speaking of gross stuff Brittany says that she's a swallower and That's fucking disgusting because she's talking about bipolar Jacks his squids. That's what she's swallowing Sinead O'Connor famously once said what's the difference between love and like and How does that pertain to this? Spit or swallow.

Okay, so guess who's back, baby? Danny, he had to work, so he saved a silver last yesterday. That's funny. So he's ready to rip shit up. Jesse says that the legs have nothing to do with the wine, which is just factually wrong. That's just not true. The sugar content, you dumbass. Well, yeah, it just shows you how boozy the wine, which is just factually wrong. That's just not true.

Sugar content, you dumbass. Well, yeah, it just shows you how boozy the wine is. So, you know, it's not the most important thing, but you can tell if it's going to, you know, pack more of a punch. Does it taste good? That's all the batter. Danny starts sucking it. Yeah, go ahead. And you need to you have to acknowledge there is such a clear example of Jesse's Adderall mixed with his alcohol as well.

He's sitting there and Danny's just like being a drunk idiot and is just doing a bit and everyone is okay with it because it's just he's just arrived. Jesse is livid and he's like no, nope that's not true. It has nothing to do with it. You're like okay nobody cares relax it's okay. It was amazing. He was the angriest little elf. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So everyone starts sucking it back and Nia, poor thing, is trying to do everything she can to calm Danny down, which includes softly saying honey and letting him get blackout.

So Michelle asks Melissa and Jasmine, how did you guys originally met? Everyone is drunk. I mean, everyone is just shitfaced. They tell a pretty boring story about how they support one another. This bachelor franchise really turns women gay doesn't it. Pretty amazing. By the way Gabby Gabby is lighting the world up on fire lighting the world on fire. She's doing Taco Bell commercials now. Oh yeah she's very very viral very deserves it. Very viral. Uh, Janet tells Zach that she told everyone that his hair is a wig and he yells, I'm dead. Um, I want to kill. I'm dead. I want to retire

that I'm, I'm, I'm really over. I'm dead. Okay. So moving on, it literally looks like a Monet or it looks like Monet and Luke says, I've never been there. Now this really escalates into a, a, a Frazier Ali kind of bout wherein Jesse says, you have no culture and Luke says, well, you are not very manly. And that was super bizarre. So Michelle gets a call, sorry, I'm moving quick, but not so much stuff and it's late on the East coast. Michelle gets a call from the nanny

and we sit down for a conversation. And I know we're all thinking this is a perfect time for these two to chat because Jesse is on anywhere from 60 to 345,000 milligrams of Adderall and he's four bottles deep. Dare I say, I don't think he'd remember this conversation. That's how black black out drunk he was. Absolutely. Now, so Isabel's on the phone and then Jesse turns to Michelle at some point and he asks

her if she's happy. Yeah. And she says, yes, I'm happy, Jesse, but if you were dead, I'd be happy. Yeah. I don't think those were exactly what the sentiment was there. No, she says something along the lines of, you know, road runner, you know, that pesky coyote, you know, a big, big piano sometimes used to fall on him. If that happened to you and you weren't a cartoon and actually kind of mangled you and killed you, I'd be a lot happier.

That's when I'd be happy. But it was so bizarre that the line of questioning was... The cultural phenomenon, The Secret Lies of Mormon Wives is back with an all new season now streaming on Hulu. Where is everyone at? Mom Talk has gotten to a really hostile point. Demi's willing to kick Jessie out of the group. I feel like I'm walking into a lion's den.

It's gonna get messy, for sure. Mom Talk is turning on each other left and right. The police are here. I can't see this going any other way but a pure bloodbath. This is so toxic. The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, now streaming on Hulu. Are you hap... What is this?

What is this, Are you happy shit? Because he turns on his like, I want you to be happy for me and my new fake girlfriend that I don't actually have from Orange County. Yeah, Robes, go ahead. Hmm, I think that he wants to make the point that if she's so happy that she should be radiating it onto his relationship. And the reason she isn't is because she's actually not happy.

And what he's failing to realize is I actually do think that Michelle is pretty happy with this guy. Cheated on him, probably, or with him. And Jessie, she doesn't like your fake girlfriend because she's threatening to sue her and all of her friends. And she doesn't think her daughter should be around that type of witch personality. So that's all. What are you pointing at? Oh, nothing. Pat thought we weren't recording for a second. I did. I looked at it. I was like, Oh my God.

I know. I know. It's been gold. He's wearing women's sunglasses in this scene. I am 98% sure as well. Oh yeah. I mean, these are Sonya Morgan shades. Yeah. I mean, I do it when I'm drunk. Yeah. I mean, any, any, you know, specs will, will do. One time I was so drunk. It was nine o'clock at night. I hadn't even realized it gotten dark, but I was blackout drunk. So yeah. I mean, I kind of, I kind of missed that was blackout drunk. So yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, I kind of, I kind of missed that Patty. A lot of people do. Yeah. I mean, I love this Patty. Yeah, of course. Yeah. I was looking at Jesse and I was like, you know, that was Patty's drinking level back in the day, the two bottles of champs before noon.

Yeah. Ready to party. When me and Pat went to San Inez, we were taking pills and getting drunk and kissing each other over fences yeah there's a there's a famous picture of me and Patrick kissing on the lips really yeah yeah yeah yeah don't let that get out there I'll be fine we'll put it out oh wow okay I'm comfortable with my sexuality I as a man I love on the lips. No problem. Get out of here. All right.

So they speak on the lady that had sex with the old men from Baywatch and it goes real bad, real quick. Jesse struggles to put his glasses on and gets triggered. He says he gets triggered by one person and one person only Michelle, which is very untrue. I mean, Danny's like swirling his wine and he gets triggered and he gets pissed off. So Jesse, Jesse's a live wire. So she tells Jesse that she thought that he was going to apologize and he asks her who did she think that he was going to apologize to? I mean, this guy's really

really drunk. So we then get into some really fun stuff. Jesse Spendy, he gets money from all of the gays and then he spends it all. And apparently he says, he says, apparently when gay guys give me money, that's bad. It's amazing. He was so drunk and so full of vitriol

and it was so great to watch because he, Michelle, what is she's like Look at you. You're a disaster and he's like and you're a hooker some Amazing Britney comes over eventually go ahead I was gonna say these two better hope this show doesn't get canceled because both their real estate careers are done done Yeah, they're fine a new line of work. Yeah. Yeah. Well, Brittany comes over. She says, I've had it. All right. Are you inserting yourself into this conversation right now? Yes, I am. And she really holds his feet to the fire. She says you

called her up. You called her up a reasonably priced prostitute. Brittany says you essentially accused her of being, reasonably priced prostitute. Brittany says you essentially accused her of being, you know, like an HP laptop for Best Buy, but the hooker version of it, is that true or a lie? And he says, of course it was a lie. And of course I'm an asshole for saying it. I never said it was true when I said it.

That's quite an argument. I think we may have another bipolar candidate on our hands. I mean, this guy sucks. So Luke heads over and talks to him. And that's very weird. And I don't like Jesse, but if I was Jesse, I'd be like, go away. Here. Jack says no problem.

Yeah, he's too drunk. He literally doesn't. He thinks it's the guy from Grissini Vineyards. He does not know. Yeah. Well, the Grissini's head over and they, sometimes you've got to, you know, work it all out, you know, so thank you for coming. We had room for a lovely little shrimpy dinner. Kristen says that Jesse is complicated, that he called Michelle a hooker and that wasn't true,

but he also got this dinner. That doesn't make him complicated. Danny hits the pantry, and this is the real booze boof, right? The kind of, all right, what do I want to say? Okay, well, yeah, go ahead. So get this, when I was in the fifth grade, that's when our school, it was pretty cool of them to do this, they're like, don't be alcoholics. So we did a whole class on not becoming an alcoholic or a drug addict, and I remember they handed us

this sheet of paper and they said, if you do the following, you're an alcoholic. And one of those was sneaking around drinking when people weren't looking. The other was hiding bottles in the trash. And about two years ago, what I found myself, shoving wine bottles down into the trash bin and covering them with paper plates,

I took a long look in the mirror. Yeah, I've done that with fast food. I've consumed, I've gotten large orders of fast food before and I've tucked them at the bottom of the trash can, kind of like Paul Rudd in This Is 40 with the Sprinkles Cupcake. I'm a fat ass. So anyways, there are a couple of different levels.

Like you can look at it as the basement or the peak. I would say the peak, peak booze is just not even caring, right? Like I'm having a glass of vodka in the morning. I can't even, I'm not sure if you're my child or my wife. I don't care. I'm watching the price is right and I'm shit face. And I fucked you both. Am I right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The next level is what Danny does, which is he sneaks into the pantry and he sneaks sips of tequila, even though he's already probably at a 7.8 on the Richter, right? You do not need tequila right now, Danny.

You need a fucking... The cultural phenomenon, The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives is back with an all new season now streaming on Hulu. Where is everyone at? MomTalk has gotten to a really hostile point. Demi's willing to kick Jessie out of the group. I feel like I'm walking into a lion's den. It's gonna get messy, for sure.

Mom Talk is turning on each other left and right. The police are here! I can't see this going any other way but a pure bloodbath. This is so toxic. The Secret Lives of Mormon W wives now streaming on Hulu. Bean and cheese burrito. Let me defend this drunk. He's away from his kids, which I believe he's one of the primary caretakers.

I'm gonna say I'm gonna second Ruby and say ew. Okay. He's technically on vacation away from his kids. This would be the appropriate time to drink yourself into a stupor. And one could argue or say, it's very much common sense though, that you should never drink yourself into a stupor like this because it's kind of pathetic.

Wow, I just- Oh, I totally, I disagree with you, Dill. I think if you're on vacation, black the fuck out. What's weird about it and what's creepy and weird, Danny, you little elf, elf man, everybody is basically blacked out upstairs continuing to drink. Why wouldn't you just drink with them? They're all basically blacked out. Like everyone is trying to continue.

He's trying to hide it. We know that he did not expect Janet to be in that closet and he was was very startled very and was like up shit Can I and then I want to I want to amend this I want to amend this if you are on vacation from your family Rip it up, right rip it up. But rip it up be fun about it though, right? Don't go into a pantry and sneak booze. That's not that pass out. That's not fun Then pass out right And then grab people's hips and say, go get daddy a drink and then squeeze their girlfriend's ass. Now, like if you're going to rip it up, rip it up, but be fun. I am asking myself, however, because

the Chokey and her lovely girlfriend, Melissa, they don't have storylines. So I, I, I don't know if I can stand two more episodes of the mentioning of the slap on the ass and daddy Yeah, and alleging Danny as an alcoholic, which is true. Well, listen, we have Michelle and Jesse to get to I Think he's in a Yamaha, but then I Actually on further inspection. It's a headband Now Jesse is really stuck on Michelle not liking this girl that had sex with the old guy from Baywatch that's trying to sue everybody, and that's really, really weird. But there are a couple of things that are impossible in our reality, right? Pigs can't fly unless they have wings.

Squirrels can't reach a terminal velocity. They're just way too cute. And Michelle and Jesse cannot have a conversation that does not end in elevated levels of tension and conflict. Called her a whore. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he called him a loser. Well, Michelle definitely cheated on him because, you know, if you spot it, you got it. If you get triggered, it's probably hitting too close to home. She throws a drink in his face when

he says you cheated on me. And that's not necessary. I don't know. No, but you guys. Okay. So he knows she is admitted to this. Okay. She not really, she admitted to kissing somebody, but she was banging away on the side of Runyon Canyon in a, people were walking by going, I'm trying to walk my Yorkshire Terrier. Why are you banging a guy who owns a honey company?

I didn't even give him a hard time. I just said, Hey, there's rattlesnakes out here. Beware. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, go ahead. Sorry. It's just that she's already admitted that she's talked about on the after show. Yes, I think they fucked. She said that they kissed whatever he so badly. It's like he doesn't accept that that's already been spoken about. So when she's like, Okay, tell everybody that you think I'm a lying, cheating whore.

And he's like, I think you're a lying, cheating whore. Yeah. Okay. And it's like, I don't know. And then everybody just yells. And I really, it's obviously very sad cause there's a child involved. It's really good TV.

It's really good TV. I hope, where did you hear that they might cancel this thing? They not cancel it, just recast it and add people like Sheena Shay and Tom Schwartz and Lala Kent. Last thing this goddamn thing needs. I wanna say something.

So she levies this at him. We gotta move quick because Ruby's in her bedroom and poor her fiance is relegated to the living room. We're almost there. Okay. So this is important because I hadn't heard this yet. So she does say he blew all her money. But then she says two other things that are kind of crucial to this. She said he wouldn't fuck her anymore. They bleeped it. Yeah. And then she also said he wouldn't even hug her. And that is really at the heart of this. He is a, last season we saw him trying to get her back

on the same page with him. Like at some point they were all good. But in reality, he was a checked out douche bag who wasn't there for her emotionally. And of course, that leads some people to, you know. Yeah, and ideally you want couples therapy and resolution, but you know, sometimes you just got to f*****g bang a guy with weird eyes that has a honey company, you know, but you don't need to on a public hiking trail where there are f*****g rattlesnakes. Okay.

Benji is a dinner and Danny isn't because Danny is a blackout drunk. Now we get to Nia covering from him or for him for dark side. Yeah. It's sad, actually quiet and very sad, but let's get to flavor town with chef twisted metal. First up is corn bisque, local summer corn and seared baby scallops, a delicious starter. But sadly, Brittany is distracted. And that is very, very, very sad because Brittany's favorite thing in the world is Cruz and her second favorite thing in the world is corn. So the fact that she can't enjoy this first of the season summer corn

because of Jack's sweet, sweet texts is really, really. I mean, it's, you know, I mean, think about the saddest things out there. This is right. This is number nine. This is number nine. So I'm sorry. I just have to point out that two times when the two courses are delivered that Jesse and he's clearly just popped another 10 or 15 milligrams up before after he lost his battle to Michelle. And he just goes, All right, what do we have, Chef? Shh. Who are you?

Yeah. Well, he's somebody who hasn't slept. I think the reason why he was up at eight o'clock in the morning is because he was up the entire morning. He didn't go to bed. No, he does not have his doses down. So duck two ways is up next, smoked and confit pickled onions and a crispy duck skin. I don't like duck. I don't either. I'm sorry. Yucky. I don't like it. Yeah. I don't eat food. That's purple. It's purple. Ew. It's purple. You OK, so Kristen. Oh, her failed attempt at starting the hall pass game.

Well, she likes fun conversations. Yeah, well, this works on the housewives when there's nothing to talk about. We have a bunch of fucking dysfunctional losers here. Yeah, so Jason is a Lady Gaga guy. That was odd. OK, sure. And Peg Jason for a lady Gaga guy. That was odd. Okay. Sure.

And Peg Jason for a lady gaga guy. Luke's is the little mermaid weird guy. Very weird guy. I mean, listen, Ariel's hot, but we're talking about Hall passes. Yeah, he should have said the new version. Haley Bailey. Yeah. So Luke's Luke so weird. Nia doesn't have hall passes because they know so many celebrities. I don't know what's weirder mermaid or that I think that is the weirdest

answer. It's that it's by far that like really by far that one, cause that's that one is fucking crazy and insane, you know? Yeah. So, you know, my wife, like I, I'll ask my wife for her hall passes and she's like, I don't want to have sex with anybody else. And I'm like, stop being a loser. Just what are your hall passes? And she's like, okay, that answer is like a kind of a loser answer, you know, but Nia's is like

Really we like was her answer Aaron Taylor Johnson. Oh, okay kick-ass. Yeah Me and CC we're at The T2O Aaron Taylor Johnson and his weird wife walk in. My wife did not hear a word I said for an hour and a half. I mean, it was really, it was really, really, I was like, honey, I get it, but I'm trying to tell you I'm gay like can we have a conversation? Please like what's going on? All right. Anyways, so Nia heads to the bedroom and pretty brutal sad stuff. Pretty brutal sad stuff, but also what's taking place at the table.

Never leave that table. No, you can't leave the table. This is where they're going to point out that dark side Danny is a drunk and this is where Brit really starts getting pissed. Yeah. And this is fun because I've seen this in the house world universe. I was gonna say this is a Kyle Richards kind of frustration.

This is you're not showing your real life and now I'm starting to get pissed because I'm out here throwing my whole family on the line. I'm out here, I'm not even enjoying corn and that's one of my favorite things. It's like the ninth most saddest thing that can happen. And you're over here repeating this fucking mantra of my hardworking little guy is is what does she say she keeps going back to the same. She goes he she says it

looks like he's living his best life probably three or four times this episode. It was really, really sad. Um, Kristen is defending Danny. Um, one Kristen reality show. Okay, please go away. And two, you didn't get your ass grabbed by a dark side, Danny. So a little bit different for you. Kristen is wrong here. Now Nia tucks Danny in and Zach in mesh. Let's Nia know this is Lego heads first, uh, smart move to be able to entangle himself in this. Oh yeah. It's a rat. Fuck move. He's friends with Britain. Oh yeah. Best friends. That's friend. So for him to then go to Nia and back channel that

it's kind of unhappy with you. I feel bad for Zach. He's a very little person, you know. Well, he's not. He's actually quite large, which actually makes it more sad, I think. But him and Benji will be, you know, in love and fine forever, probably in Canada. What a fucking this is Christi Noem's favorite show. She's like, I'm, I'm getting rid of Benji.

He's gone. He's gone back home. Okay. He's gone back home. He needs to go. All right. So Nia walked into the lion's den. She is, she is wheeled through the pantry in this odd secret room of this house wherein everyone

is talking shit and that is where we end this episode. In a reality TV type of intervention where they point out that she needs to start talking shit about her horrible marriage or she's out. She's like, all right, we'll do. To be continued. Follow Ruby at TikTok on Twitter and leave five stars kind of words. Let us know. You think that you think, what do you think? Are the Pacers going to win at all? Oh, no, I think it's going to be the Knicks, right?

You think it's going to be the Knicks? The Knicks get to play the Pacers, right? Yeah. Knicks Pacers. Yeah. So let us know who do you have coming out of the East? And did you see Friendship? Have you had Goobers? We love you very much. Thank you for supporting the show. Join us at patreon.com slash another podcast network. For more, I'm Dylan saying goodbye. Pat, say goodbye. do Ruby bye bye I got my first real six string boy at the five and done played it to my fingers was a summer of 69