Answer Me This! - AMT201: Fry and Laurie, Moon Ownership, and Ready Steady Cook

Episode Date: January 19, 2012

Fry and Laurie, Moon Ownership, and Ready Steady Cook Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The new BMO VI Porter MasterCard is your ticket to more. More perks. More points. More flights. More of all the things you want in a travel rewards card. And then some. Get your ticket to more with the new BMO VI Porter MasterCard. And get up to $2,400 in value in your first 13 months.

Terms and conditions apply. Visit bmo.com slash viporter to learn more. To support sustainable food production, BHP is building one of the world's largest potash mines in Canada. Essential resources responsibly produced. It's happening now at BHP, a future resources company. Why don't we get the Queensland book tokens instead of a yacht? Will Goldie Hawn ever grow too old to be hot? Hello listeners and welcome to the first Answer Me This of 2012 And we are now officially five years old That's right, woo

Woo, that's a very underwhelmed sounding word, woo When I started this in 2007 I had no intention to be doing it in 2012 I've put on at least three stones since then, woo And your back's quite bad It is Ollie's got a hot water bottle tucked behind it. Yeah, just to help me through the show. It's not getting him down. No, you won't

know, listeners, I'm going to be full of fun as always. Yeah, woo! Full of beans, because for our fifth birthday... You've been sending us beans, and Ollie has been undiscriminatingly eating the beans without even cooking them first. Oh, I love a bean. Anyway, you've been sending us cards and stuff to the postal address, which is on our website, so go check it out. Yes, you've been sending us cards and stuff to the postal address, which is on our website, so go check it out.

Yes, you've been sending us lots of cards from all over the world, so thank you very much. Very flattering. And also, thank you very much to the people who sent us food that has been making us big and jiggly and fat. There was someone, actually, who works for one of the major supermarkets in the country. They've asked us not to mention their name or the name of the supermarket

because they'll get in trouble. But anyway, thanks for that. We did appreciate that quality produce. And also thank you very much to Kate of Cake Poppins in Newcastle who sent us some cake pops which look like cute little pandas and kittens. This is weird, isn't it? So explain what a cake pop is. I know the name kind of does the job for you,

but I'd never heard of such a thing. Well, if you can imagine, say, a sphere on a stick, like a lollipop or the moon on a stick. Sounds like my dream lady. But it's made of cake and then it's covered in a kind of chocolatey icing and painted to look like a panda or a cute kitten. Yeah, sounds like my dream lady. So no boobs and no legs.

Spherical, edible kitty. It's not just about the food, though, and the free gifts that you've been sending us. Nice though those are. We did genuinely set up the po box just to get some cards and we got some really nice like proper fifth birthday cards can i can i just uh open one now oh this one's irritating okay so that's quite funny and then it just keeps going on it's uh it's i haven't had one of these noisy cards since i was about 12 where i thought they're the most exotic thing in all the world

But it's like a three minute long dialogue that goes on between those two dingoes on the front of the card when you open it It's from Luke in Brisbane, Australia So thank you Luke We got another very impressive card from Chris from Cardiff, Australia and he made us embroidered bookmarks with our names Those are lovely

They're absolutely amazing They are in red and yellow so they do look quite a lot like Watford Football Club supporters things or very decorative rashes of bacon but probably the best handmade card that we've had is this one which comes to us from Will, it's made out of

a fag packet, a Hamlet's Fine Cigars fag packet, but he's written on the front happy birthday AMT and then crossed out the medical warning so it says have fun with others around you Hamlet's Fine Cigars Fag Packet but he's written on the front happy birthday AMT and then crossed out the medical warning so it says have fun with others around you

and on the back answer me this may reduce the blood flow and causes impotence that is true that's been my experience very inventive one of my favourite things

Ollie I think was sent to the wrong PO box okay because it's a large document from the finance department of the North Wales Police.

Well, I don't know what you mean, Helen. We could answer me this. We'll handle any inquiry. And it's an invoice for reimbursement for expenses incurred for officers attending Olympic additionality close protection training day. Wow.

£577.60. We could get arrested. That's what they got Al Capone for, mail fraud. At least we're keeping it quiet, eh? But what people have also been sending us while we've been on our break, of course, are questions. Yeah. And here is one from Kyle from London, who said, whilst browsing for Christmas presents,

I came across an exciting and unique opportunity. Right. The chance to purchase a plot on the moon for a mere £ quid oh yeah yeah fortunately for my loved ones i resisted temptation but ollie answer me this firstly who would purchase such a ludicrous gift when anyone could knock one off on a pc for free me really yeah i've bought one of those who are you trying to impress someone in impress? Someone in Dawson's Creek, probably, where they do things like, oh, I've named a star for you.

It's probably that one up there. And then they sit looking at it for four hours. I don't think it was that romantic, actually. I think it was a Secret Santa one year in the office. Because the year before, I'd got what I thought was an absolute solid gold diamond Secret Santa purchase. You got someone a solid gold diamond for Secret Santa? No, that would have been good.

No, it was a wine... You can make it sound rubbish now. It was a wine cooler from... Platinum! From Bowdoin. Within the Secret Santa price bracket, isn't it? It's not as good as a solid gold diamond. Well, the thing is, the person that I gave it to happened not to know that it was from me and slagged

it off to my face. Actually, I happened to know this girl was an alcoholic, so I thought she'd love it. Maybe she wanted to guzzle it down so quickly, didn't have time for it to cool. It hardly touches the sides. She's probably in denial. The following year, anyway, I thought I'll get something a little bit more maverick, so that's what I got. I got the piece of the moon for about 20 quid. Well, he has

a second question. He says, secondly, does anyone own the moon? Well, Helen, according to the 1967 United Nations Outer Space Treaty, yes, countries are forbidden from owning the moon. Doesn't matter. But in smaller print, but the Americans touched it first,

so they're going to call dibsies. Yeah, just to be clear. Shotgun, I get the lake of tranquility. But there's this bloke in Nevada, a guy called Dennis Hope. He was the guy who studied this treaty and says that he found a loophole, which is what created this weird business of selling moon land. Because he says you

can't own it if you're a country, but it doesn't say anything, doesn't say anything Helen, about owning the moon if you're an individual. So obviously anyone can point at the moon and say, that's my bit that. Yeah. Going to put an extension on there,

going to get a barbecue out in the summer. I don't normally approve of this, but surely the expression, possession is nine-tenths of the law, is going to come into play from the first person with an actual rocket. So actually, I think I'll have it. And then they put up a fence, so you can't come in their crater.

Well, this is the thing. When Richard Branson, or more realistically, Sam Branson, by the time they have a fucking takeoff, goes up there and actually says, right, I'm here, this is mine. What are you going to do about it with your little certificate in Peterborough?

You're not going to say, no, hold on. I paid 16.75 for that, Branson. I bought this in the back of the Saturday Telegraph magazine. Does that carry no weight in intergalactic law? Not on the main ground, which is very weak. Well, from one weird shopping experience to another, this is from Matt

who says, I did some online grocery shopping the other day. Right. Answer me this, listeners. Live in the dream. No, they live in their houses

and they never leave them not even to buy food. They're basically militiamen. And I noticed peace pudding. Peas? Peas pudding. Yeah, but it's not peas, is it?

That's the nature of the question. But it's pronounced peas. Alright, whatever. P-A-S-E, right? peas pudding. Peas? Yeah, but it's not peas, is it? That's the nature of the question. But it's pronounced peas. All right, whatever. P-A-S-E, right? Peas pudding as an on-sale option. Yeah, I'd imagine that peas pudding is rarely at full price. Yeah, that's probably right. I was reminded of the old nursery rhyme which referred to it.

Oh, yeah. Food, glorious food, hot sausage and mustard. That's not a nursery rhyme. A nursery rhyme would be like, Jack and Jill go up the hill, glorious food hot sausage and mustard. That's not a nursery rhyme. A nursery rhyme would be like Jack and Jill go up the hill, they eat a massive piece pudding. It keeps them going right to the top of the hill and then they fall down the hill because they're so full of piece pudding. They have the shits for weeks.

Probably bind them actually. Anyway, so is that, do you reckon he's referring to the musical number Food, Glorious Food from Oliver? Jelly and custard. Okay, fine. He's pudding and salve. Right, yes, yeah, I remember that. Other foods of course. Anyway, I decided Peas, pudding and salve. Right, yes, yeah, I remember that. Other foods, of course. Anyway, I decided to buy a tin for the first time ever as a novelty. I was flummoxed, therefore, to receive the tin and find it wasn't a pudding.

Although a pudding in a tin is still not going to be a tasty pudding, is it? Foolishly, on reflection, I realised it contained no peas. Well, it contains pulses and a lot of people call those peas. The serving suggestion on the can is from the 80s. Like so many of them are, it was the premium time for food modelling a sprig of curly parsley. Yeah, I guess the 80s they didn't have so many TV chefs, did they? So people really needed inspiration on the packets of food itself as to what to do with it. They had no idea what it should look like.

They didn't have Jamie Oliver telling them to put a bucket of olive oil on it. Matt continues, the serving suggestions on the can are from the 80s and seem to want me to make bloody vol-au-vons or similar pastry goods with it. There's no blood in the can, is there? So Helen, answer me this. What can I do with the contents of this tin of peas pudding? Can you recap what peas pudding actually is? I can't really remember. Well, it's like a kind of hummus or moshi pea equivalent,

but made from a different type of pulse. Quite an earthy pulse. Yeah, and so warm. And they used to boil it with some bacon, so the bacon gave it flavour, but the bulk was provided by a very cheap ingredient. So it'd be nice with a bit of pork belly or something like that. Yeah, well, ham hock is quite a traditional accompaniment.

Some say that you could kind of slice it up from the tin and fry it and use that to accompany things. Right. Others say you could put it on your face to freak people out a nasty case of leprosy now these are email questions of course but there are other ways to get in touch with us through our app and also of course on the phone line the number for which is 02081235877 or you can skype answer me this. And what better way to kick off the year than with one of our favourite callers.

All right. Happy New Year. How do you answer me this? Oh, he doesn't even feel the need to say his name anymore. He's so comfortable with us now. His podcast family members. Podcast legend legend Dave from Smethwick. What has he been wondering about

in this new year? I was with someone the other day and they said we're all the three of us having a chat and one night Clive he says you're damned if you do

and you're damned if you don't. Who he was talking about, Summit. And my other mate, he said, well, that's a catch-22 there. And Helen and Ali answer me this. Where does the term catch-22 when they say you're damned if you do where does your term

where does it come from is it a catch 21 and a 23 and a like a catch 17 you know where does your term answer me this

where does your term catch 22 come from? All right. Bye. I know where the phrase Catch-22 comes from. Obviously, the Joseph Heller book, Catch-22, but I'm very embarrassed to say I've never read it.

I've never seen the film adaptation. However, Martin thinks highly of the book. Martin. It's brilliant. It's a really good book. I cannot recommend it enough. And why is it a catch-22 and not a catch-other number

as Dave intimates? I don't know if it has any significance. I think he just sort of struck lucky with that one. Yeah. Because you look at the rest of his oov.

Oov. Something happened. It's quite good. We bombed in New Haven. That's not going to take off in common parlance. Closing time. I mean, that's the sequel.

No, it's a semi-sonic song, Martin, is what it is. Well, here's a question from Shirley from Peterborough, who says, I've been a fan of Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie since the early days of a bit of Fry and Laurie.

All right, you're not special. On through Jeeves and Worcester, won't we all? Yeah. Via Peter's friends, will that have aged well? Yeah, because they probably bury the memory

than if you actually sat and watched it. I'm too scared to watch it. Past Hugh's wilderness years and Stephen's global takeover as a quiz host and to be fair he had wilderness years as well he had a proper breakdown

isn't it weird to think there was a time when Stephen Fry was a rare commodity yeah like it was a treat to hear him on the radio Shirley Turekup says

so she stuck with them past Hugh's wilderness years and Stephen's global takeover as quiz host technophile polymath and national treasure and finally to hugh's reincarnation as house and now blues musician yeah that's a bit i'm not interested are you interested in hugh laurie playing the blues no shirley says i sometimes ponder upon how their relationship must have

developed over the years so do ollie and i occasionally uh as we see ourselves pretty much in their vein. But there is one other area which I'm particularly curious about. So, Ollie, answer me this. Who earns the most money, Fry or Laurie? Ooh. Laurie. That's what I thought immediately. I thought House pays, what, hundreds of thousands of dollars an episode?

$700,000. Bloody hell! How do you know that? Because it's in the Guinness Book of World Records. What, it's the biggest amount anyone's been paid to play house? Yeah. Because mostly it's just kids. Highest paid actor ever in a TV drama.

Bloody hell, Matt LeBlanc must be furious. And also he's now the spokes face for L'Oreal, isn't he? Or something like that. The spokes face? That sounds really unpleasant. Sounds like a hell raiser. Yeah. He's got a clock on his face. He is, yes. So he's going to be raking it in from that. Because also how many episodes of House are there?

They're about 20 per series at least. He's the most watched leading man on television worldwide. So basically with House he's earning let's say at least 14 million a year and then he's got L'Oreal. Then he's got all the royalties off his blues album which I'd imagine are at least 20 quid. Whereas Stephen Fry, doing very well and although he's got l'oreal yeah then he's got all the royalties off his blues album which i'd imagine at least 20 quid whereas stephen fry although he's doing very well and although he is everywhere and he does do commercials which are obviously quite lucrative he also does quite a

lot for the bbc which we can testify doesn't pay that well i mean something like stephen fry in america i reckon he probably got 50 grand for that it's not in the 700 grand category is it def has no no at the risk of saying a slight no being big in america is a bigger deal than being big in britain there are deal than being big in Britain. There are more people in America. That's right. Do you know as well,

Hugh Laurie is now a best-selling author in France. Really? What was that? From the gun seller? From the gun seller. Slightly ropey book

that he wrote 20 years ago, yeah, because house is so massive in France. It's called Maison France, of course. I've got a question.

Email your question to answer me this podcast I've got a question. Email your question. To answer me this podcast at googlemail.com To answer me this podcast at googlemail.com To answer me this podcast at googlemail.com To answer me this podcast at googlemail.com So retrospectives, what historical events are we ticking off on this week's run of Today in History? On Monday, we bring you the real story of the mutiny on the bounty. On Tuesday, the anniversary of the day somebody invented the meatball, but who? On Wednesday, the iconic British car that ripped off an iconic American car.

On Thursday, how American airlines invented air miles. And on Friday, the UFO sighting that gripped colonial America. We discuss this and more on Today in History with The Retrospectors. Ten minutes each weekday, wherever you get your podcasts. Righto, time for a question from Lauren, age 15, from Cornwall, who says, I have a problem. I bet you do. Like many people who are 15, it's a very difficult time. I don't know why people are so nostalgic about their teenage years.

They're really difficult. I read something about that. It's to do with the physiology of being that age and how your first experiences of certain important hormonal things kind of get burned on your brain. Yeah, they are very ardent. Yeah. But I still wouldn't want to have them again. Sure, but when you say,

why do people get nostalgic? It's kind of because, like, everything felt more, didn't it? All your sexual fantasies felt more, all of your jealousy, all of your anger. I've got my first real sex dream. Lauren says, I have a problem.

My mum wants me to be head girl, and I don't. Fair enough. The role has way too much responsibility. Damn right, and where's the fun? It's like being a policeman without the pay or the weaponry. I would actually have to pay attention in lessons, Lauren continues. Oh, why? Because the head pupil has to be a high achiever.

I suppose, yeah. In every aspect. Well, yeah, people have to aspire to be them, don't they? Or they have to be showing the right presentation of the school, I suppose. A god amongst humans. But my mum wants to, as she put it, live through me. Uh oh. She said that. Yeah, I'm very honest with her mum

to say that. She said, I'm really annoyed that that monkhausen by proxy syndrome didn't really take. This is my next trick. It's funny, most partially mum's like, oh it's really what she wants. She wants to go to ballet eight days a day. She wants, she wants, she wants. She wants to be chess champion. She wants to go to St Hilda's College at 12 to study maths. This is incredibly annoying as we're not alike.

But I have an interview soon with the head teacher and governors and other important people for the role. And I don't know how to turn around and say, I don't want to do it. So, Helen, answer me this. How do I flunk my head girl interview without looking like a total twat? Which is what would happen if you were in a TV programme or film. Yes, something very amusing would happen, wouldn't it?

You'd go in smoking with a swear word written across your face, wouldn't you? Yeah, that's what would happen in Glee. Are there any trigger words that I could use that would send my application to the bin? Well, I think maybe there are, and it's not the method that you seem to be suggesting where you just prove you're wholly unworthy of the role because you're a disgusting individual.

You go in there and say, look, my mum really wants me to do this and I'm very flattered that you think I might be suitable to do this. But to be honest, I'm worried that it will mean I don't have enough time to devote to my studies. Wow, that's good. Isn't that the best looking way to get out of it?

That is very good. Thank you very much, Olly Mann. you won't get me doing things i don't want to do that involve responsibility and effort that's really good i'm completely dumbfounded by that because yeah there's nothing they can respond because i was going to say if you go in and say honestly my mom's pushing me into this i just don't want to do it but then that does make you look a bit of a loser whereas your one actually bit of a lie better much better everyone's a winner aren't they it does mean that you do have to put in some effort academically oh yeah that's true in order to be in the running to be the head girl you probably are quite good at that anyway or maybe you could say is there a position of lesser responsibility and conspicuousness that you could have like in my school you'd be put in

charge of the chess club or something like that yeah at my school it was always the environment committee uh every year have hierarchy because you went to hippie dippy school yeah i was head boy helen i was let me say first of all at my school head boy was something you had to be democratically elected to be and everyone in the school voted and i won congratulations thank you thank you very much to bring your tear to my eye everyone in the school voted and I won. Congratulations. Thank you very much. Just bring your tear to my eye even now, Helen. I'm frightened that anyone could think you were suitable. Well, I'll tell you the strategy that I used though.

I went for the young votes. That was my niche. I campaigned. Like Obama in 2008. So yeah, it was brilliant. I actually really enjoyed it. But it was a very different position to other school where you're being chosen because you're teacher's pet

and you have to do their bidding. And you have to snitch a lot on others. I think it's worth having a go. This girl's assuming that she's a shoo-in for the job. It might be that she does her ever so best and doesn't get it. And then she's got a clear conscience and her mum won't be pissed off with her. Her mum might be pissed off, Martin,

because her mum is trying to live through her, which, by the way, no parent has the right to do. Agreed. So I think maybe one of the reasons why Lauren doesn't want it, that it's not just because of what the role involves her mum is trying to live through her which by the way no parent has the right to do so i think maybe one of the reasons why lauren doesn't want it that it's not just because of what the role involves and she can't be bothered or she doesn't want to be you know a tall poppy maybe she's trying to rebel against her mum maybe she's saying i don't want what my mum is trying to trample me into because it is a time of your life where you do try and reject what your parents are setting up for you even if later you become them yes although if you do really want it apart from that do go for it and find another way

to piss your mom off well also i'd say as well lauren maybe talk to a previous head girl because it might be that like when you become president of the usa and you actually find out what area 51 is and why we can't shut down guantanamo Bay it might actually be really interesting there might be stuff that you don't know about your school that you get to know if you're a head girl where did the geography teacher suddenly disappear to a half term and never come back that's right what does go on in the staff room yeah why does he have a second house in Thailand all that stuff so you know think about that talk to talk to your peers ask them is it worth it don't just don't do it because your mum wants you to do it uh your mum may need some other focus is there something you can think of to

provide her with maybe you should sign her up to a local amateur dramatics group that always seems to be very absorbing to people of this kind of mentality or maybe you could do a swap with her you know maybe you could live vicariously through her it's not freaky friday no but maybe you could maybe there's something that you can't do, perhaps because you can't afford to or because you're not old enough, and you could send your mum in to do it for you. You've confused me.

What on earth could fulfil those criteria? Well, I don't know. Maybe get into a local night spot. So her mum goes off to a club? But your mum can go to the club for you. Oh, I see. Now I understand. Then you'll be like, okay, well, I'll be head girl if you go and listen to grime music

till five in the morning and get off with Bradley. I'll have some hot flushes. Yeah. Exactly. Down and lonely Life is so confusing I need some answers Preferably amusing

Now I find A podcast that will suit I listen to helen ollie on my half hour commute well here's a question from connor from birmingham who says ollie answer me this how much is a supermarket trolley worth? Supermarket trolleys? Well, it's a pound if you go to Sainsbury's and you want to release one. Yeah, but free in the new Asda in Stamford Hill. Unbelievable.

It's about 100 quid to buy one. Really? Yeah, about 100 quid. I was thinking maybe even more than that because they're quite substantial mechanisms. Yeah, yeah, they're quite, I mean, and you know, they're quite heavy duty. They're industrial. They've got to be. Indeed, it's essential mean, and you know, they're quite heavy duty. They're industrious.

They've got to be. It's essential. I've rode around in them quite a lot. Well, actually, we may joke, Martin, but this is... He's not joking.

No, I wasn't joking. This is a genuine fact. Well, according to Wikipedia, it's a genuine fact. Who knows for sure. Okay, it's an Olly Mann fact. In the USA, 24,000 children

each year are injured in shopping carts. I'm not surprised. 24,000 children each year are injured in shopping carts. I'm not surprised. 24,000 children. Especially in America. I'd imagine the carts are bigger and also more people shop at places like Costco, where you can fill a trolley so full of goods that... Let me tell you, Wally. I went there the week before my wedding to buy food for the wedding reception.

I bent my engagement ring just pushing this massive trolley around. If I'd had a child strapped to the end of the trolley. That's the thing. Got a three-year-old cruising at the front, you forget and drop a Panasonic fridge freezer on their head. That's got to be bad, doesn't it? Exactly. But 24,000, if you break that down, that's less than 100 a day.

And given the number of states, that's less than two people, two children per state per day, which is tiny actually. There you are, Martin, justifying his role on the podcast after all this time. With Matt. Well, from supermarket shopping

to something you might buy in a supermarket. Ham. No. Cheese. No. Shampoo. We could play this all day.

It's a very big place. Grapefruit concentrate. A Desiree CD. Capers. Call of Duty 4. I'm going to call an end to this. Okay. It's wine.

It's a question about wine. I was about to say wine. Yeah, it was the next one, wasn't it? It's from Nick, who says, Helen, answer me this. Why do wine bottles have that bump in the bottom of them? Well, Nick, I was told by someone who used to work as a sommelier. Okay, they should know. They should know, but they said it was so that you could, as a sommelier, put your

thumb in the bottom and pour out the wine without dropping it. Give the bottle a little massage. Not exactly. More just have it kind of cleverly cantilevered in your single hand. So that you don't have to grip the body of the bottle and warm the wine. That's good, isn't it? Or otherwise do something vulgar. You know, it's quite classy

to be able to reach over and pour the wine from a distance. Yeah. And they also said any wine with a flat bottom bottle is not a good wine and i've used that as a rule of thumb ever since interesting can't tell you whether it works but i have used that as a rule of thumb but the basic reason for this is just that it makes the glass stronger the glass is more likely to have stress points if it's just flipped yes okay i thought there might be some aerodynamic thing boring really well we really. Well, we're talking of shopping, and here's a great question from Jennifer in Cheshire, who says, Ollie, answer me this.

Do the contestants on Ready, Steady, Cook actually choose their own ingredients? What do you think? What do you suspect, Helen? I know the answer. I've got the answer here. I've never thought about this before. I thought perfectly innocently when I used to watch this show,

which, by the way, to clue in people if you've never seen it, is two contestants, usually middle-aged women, go the show they've got a shopping bag it's it's got five pounds worth of food in it they each get a celebrity chef allocated to them they empty out the bags the celebrity chefs have 20 minutes to cook a range of dishes it's like iron chef but it's a cookery basics show dressed up as a pointless challenge yeah so the conceit is that the contestant has chosen the bag of shopping. And usually they'll say things like, I brought fish because I've never really known what to do with fish.

And I brought potatoes because my husband loves potatoes. And here's an onion because onion goes with everything. It is usually the case that all of the ingredients in the bag do go quite well together. So you might have a duck leg, a potato, maybe some plums, maybe some broccoli, but you probably wouldn't get a duck leg, some jelly babies.

But I mean, people aren't completely stupid. Like they know that they can't get a duck leg some jelly babies but i mean people aren't completely stupid like they know that they can't get a duck and a trifle and it's going to go together yeah but you might think i'm going to put my lot in with that they do choose and also you want to win on ready steady cook i don't think you get much of a prize you get a rubbish hamper but you want your chef not to be too flummoxed by your range of ingredients right so what do you think helen do you think i think i think they do get to choose but i wonder whether it's the kind of case where there's like a fake supermarket range where they've they're about 200 different types of ingredients they can just they can just pick five or six yeah a bit like on the x factor when they're arguing over what song they get to

sing because actually they've only cleared 10 songs for them to sing you're sort of close yeah i think that's not bad cool i've texted a friend of mine who's actually been on ready steady cook and did he win i can? I can't remember. Can't remember. They're all winners. And this is how he says the process of Ready Steady Cook goes. We had a phone conversation, so presumably him and the producer. Or a researcher, to be honest.

Yeah. Where I listed my favourite foods. That took a long time. Well, you wouldn't want somebody to go on Ready Steady Cook who wasn't really much of a fooder. That's right. I then turned up and found four of them and a pomegranate so that's where they obviously chuck in one random thing don't they to help you flavor do something a bit unusual well there has got to be that element of jeopardy that's the secret of drama yeah yeah also worth noting he says the chefs genuinely didn't know oh good good their looks of chefly

bafflement are 100 authentic authentic and locally sourced. And you can tell that the chefs always hate getting bags which have got pudding ingredients in rather than savoury. Yeah, I'm sure. There's not that much you can do in 20 minutes. Exactly, and you've got to give it flair, haven't you? And it's got to taste great, because every time on a cooking show, at the end, someone's got to put their finger and go,

mmm, and actually with pudding, a bit of a risk that they're going to go, well, the thing is with pudding, the flair thing that they can do and they always seem to do is make a baked alaska with that uncooked meringue on top where they've just blow torched the top and that's kind of gross because they've got 20 minutes they can't really make anything have you ever thought about being a tv chef helen yeah when i was say 13 i think that was kind of my dream job and it was because daytime tv to me was the most exotic thing in the world because i was only allowed to stay home from school sick about one day every four years and so when i did there was ready steady cook and this morning which often had a chef on it and i just thought if only i could be a tv cook slash chef

what kind of thing would you specialize in do you think well i think i would actually be quite bad ollie because i like doing it in my own time yeah and therefore not having to worry about getting the result right on cue before you go to the ads. But also, and this isn't the way it should be, it's just the way the current trend is, isn't it? As a woman, you basically have to be fucking the camera at the same time that you're cooking. Like Delia doesn't, but all the other women do.

Who all the other women do? Sophie Dahl and Nigella and that woman who does the cakes. They're all just fucking the camera. Yeah. It's all about smouldering and pouting. What about the tubby ladies? They don't do that, do they?

Years since they were on telly. Yeah, one of them's dead. One of them's dead. She's been dead for 10 years. She's not so sexy. Whereas if you're a man, you have to be in some way quite eccentric, like Heston Blumenthal obviously is with his ways.

Yeah, yeah. I made this ice cream in a shoe. Or Heath Finley with install and stuffing things inside things. Or Anthony Warrell Thompson with his improbable fame and his recent thing with him and his recent shoplifting bouts and his apparent mental illness nice example though ollie it was good keep it light on it keep it light ainsley harriet with his shed full of corpses anyway uh on that note um let us know what you'd make if you're a tv chef and if you if you're looking to employ a not very qualified tv cook you know how to find me because all of our contact details are of course on our website answer me this podcast.com where you can find all kinds of

things as we're always telling you our links to facebook and twitter you can buy our classic episode written stuff yeah our recent episodes including of course our landmark answer me this episode 200 from last december and there's pictorial evidence of our special guests on that which has proven quite interesting to some of you listeners as evidenced by this call hi helen and ollie this is john from portsmouth it's a question really about your 200 episodes so ollie it can't spin on the website there is no way that is your mum there is absolutely no way that is your mum and helen answer me this did he really come out of that because firstly she is fit she looks younger than you ollie and you're an absolute

manta so i'm only your dad looking at him now isn't exactly the finest, but your dad looks like a mum. Oh, that is not your mum. That is just no way. Is that your mum? I'm not having it. It just can't be. And if you say it's Helen, you're a lying old hag. And Martin, I'm surprised he's handsome as well. Helen, you've punched so above your weight. I tell you what, it's one of the best. I've never been on your website before, and as you can tell, it's tickled me pink. Fantastic. Well, it's good to end the show where Ollie and I feel

quite insulted, and Martin the sound man has had a compliment, but it's difficult for him to enjoy it 100%, because it is at my expense. Yeah, and that is my mum. Sorry, but it is. I did come out of that. And you got to suckle on those. That's what he's thinking too isn't it you do look quite a lot like her so you definitely did come out i've got the

same cheekbones haven't the same eyes yeah yeah i have carried on some line of beauty uh anyway so yes what a great advert for our website come and gawp at our comparative levels of ugliness and attractiveness um so all that's on the website as well well as, of course, pictures of some of the things you've been sending us in the post. If you do want to send us more for our fifth birthday, cards or presents, the full address is there,

which is Answer Me This, P.O. Box 53587, London, SE19, 9BQ. And may I just reiterate that if you are the North Wales police, I'm not giving you any money. It's not my problem, okay? Tell whoever it is to write the numbers better on the envelope.

All right. Bye!