Answer Me This! - AMT206: with special guest Jackie Mason

Episode Date: February 23, 2012

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To support sustainable food production, BHP is building one of the world's largest potash mines in Canada. Essential resources responsibly produced. It's happening now at BHP, a future resources company. Why is anyone surprised that Fox has got a bit fighty? Answer me this, answer me this. Why are Anglo-French relations up and down like a bright nighty? Answer me this, answer me this. Hello listeners, we did promise you Jackie Mason in this episode And there will be Jackie Mason And he's coming up on the show

He's gonna be here later, but first we're gonna do some other stuff Including some complaints Oh Yeah Yeah This is from Kofi to do some other stuff. Yeah, including some complaints. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. This is from Kofi, who says, are you really as stupid as you make out? Do you mean, Helen, answer me this.

Are you really as stupid as you mean to make out? I'm actually more stupid than I make out, Kofi. Or is this done purely for entertainment value? Don't make us expose our method. Did you honestly not know, this is his reason for complaint, that the legal age for the purchase of cigarettes is 18 and not 16? I honestly did not know. And you know why? Firstly, I'm 31. This does not affect me. Secondly, I don't smoke. This does not affect me. Carry on with your Roth.

Yeah, basically, we're so old that when we were 16, the legal age for smoking in this country was 16 and we assume that was still the case. We're so old, Kofi. Babies came out of the womb smoking a cheroot. Was that true? Was it 16? It was 16. I just can't remember. But the thing is, Kofi, when you get to a certain age, our age, our stage of life, you just don't care anymore.

You don't observe these things. We can fuck and vote and get a gun licence and watch Pulp Fiction all day and no one's going to stop us. And we don't care that you can't. That's right. But Kofi has another beef. Oh. Yeah.

With our lovely Skype song by Martin White. I don't think anyone could hate that. Oh. But he says, of all the literally millions of free things one can do using the internet, why choose filing a tax return? Self-assessment can be quite costly. Oh, I know. I've been self-employed since 2005.

This is a literary device, Kofi, that we like to call litotes, which is the opposite of hyperbole, i.e. you choose underwhelming things for amusing slash rhetorical effect. That's right, yes. It was all for the purposes of comedy, Kofi. We weren't actually saying, here's a list of things that are free, they're all free, they're totally free and they're the best things you can do for free. That's not the point of a, Kofi. We weren't actually saying, here's a list of things that are free, they're all free, they're totally free,

and they're the best things you can do for free. That's not the point of a comedy song, is it? A tax return, if you did it by paper, you'd have to pay for a stamp and an envelope. And a printout. Time for a question from Tory from the Wirral now, who says, it's a well-known fact that French people eat frog's legs.

A stereotype, if you will. But what do they do with the rest of the frog, apart from just bin it? They just bin it they just bin it no they don't they surely hollow it out and use it as a flashlight i'm not sure the friends are into frog rib cage flashlight isn't that where our career has come from or is there a board game that uses frog pieces you know like those ones where frogs leapfrog you know when you push down the legs and the oh you haven't got the legs no one plays with frog torso or frogs front legs

right are the friends even into board games? The thing is, I think the English obsession for board games amongst the middle classes is it's kind of because people are stuck for things to say to each other. Whereas the French, they have extramarital affairs and it's fine. So let's be very clear.

There is a man with his sweater over his shoulder standing in the garden by a buffet with tomatoes and vinegar on it. I'm going to go over there and fuck him if you don't mind. You play buckaroo. I'll be back in a minute. Playing buckaroo of sorts. The thing is with a frog's torso, it's not very meaty. The legs are all muscle. The torso

is just tiny. Can you make a soup? A nice frog soup? You can make a soup out of any old carcass, can't you? That's what they were showing on those good shows. Here's a question from Magnum from Edinburgh, who says, Ollie, answer me this. Why does the BBC use Roman numerals at the end of programmes to denote the year

the show was made? Wouldn't it just be easier to show the year in digits? How many Romans watch the BBC anyway? Probably about as many people as watch BBC Four. I would say what? What? Oh, I went there. BBC Four's a minority channel. as watch BBC4. I would say... What? What? Oh, I went there.

Yeah, BBC4's a minority channel. You mean BBC IV. OK, the real answer is they do it because it's tradition. Why is it tradition? Because the BBC's been going for a bloody long time. Not since the Roman Empire. No, no. But in the 1930s when the BBC started making TV programmes.

And, you know, you've seen clips from them. The newscasters used to dress up in black tie to present the news. Oh, the good old days. That's because they were all off to cocktail parties afterwards. Exactly. It was a very formal event, television. Yeah, they wouldn't have done high kicks on children in need, would they? Well, they didn't have their own traditions. So they borrowed traditions from theatre for drama shows

and from, well, cinema and books for everything else. So the tradition of using Roman numerals comes from publishing, doesn't it? That was traditionally in the 1930s how a book would indicate the year that it was printed. So that's what the BBC did because it seemed like the right thing to do for a formal product. And now they can't stop themselves. Well, now it's a tradition on the BBC. So it would be a bit weird to suddenly stop, although they did in the 1970s for a bit. And everything went to the dogs.

The country collapsed, the three-day week, all of the strikes. Yeah. They got the Roman numerals back and everyone was happy again sort of although actually a lot of the programs that were made in that era open all hours faulty towers they're classics maybe they should bring maybe they should bring the uh digits back and that would save bbc one mainstream comedy i don't know uh but anyway it's basically because it's traditional but i do wonder if really the reason is so that you you can't see how old the repeats are yeah because i'm classically educated listeners and it's still a struggle for me i'm like l

it's still a struggle for me to work out the date of snog mario void well you know the 2008 was a good era for snog mario void god i was watching snog mario void today that is a good show and anyone who's written in in the past which is many of you i'm not the voice of pod on snog mario void but i really wish i were i don't think it's that difficult to find out the end number of it you know the last digit yeah the vii everyone knows that seven but it's just working out what decade it is exactly yeah they like to keep that element of mystery a bit like dad's army i mean that could be from any time from i don't know when dad's army started but let's say the 60s something like that yeah the 1860s they were gearing up for the franco-prussian war that show ran for something

like 20 years you don't really know what year you're watching i mean of course that doesn't matter now but maybe in 1975 that was more relevant yeah i've got that with fraser at the moment which they're rerunning on channel 4 in the mornings and the only way really i can tell what era is is just how terrible people's hair is i read that people were writing into the ITV duty log, that's where you complain about a TV show. Love that. Because they had the clock wrong on daybreak. You know, in the corner it tells you what time it is.

It's because they were watching on ITV1 plus one. Isn't that unbelievably stupid? Surely they're too stupid to find the duty log and contact it. I think they're too stupid to pick up a phone, those people, aren't they? Yeah, it must be made up. Siri, complain to ITV, please. to find the duty log and contact it. I think that's too stupid to pick up a phone, those people, aren't they? Yeah, it must be made up. Suey, complain to ITD, please. It's like people complaining

at the artist, not having words. I think that that story is, I'm not going to be able to pronounce the word, apocryphal. Yes. Well done.

Thank you. Because I reckon that was just a publicity thing for the art. Like, before you got all these award nominations, how do you publicise a film that's in black and white, that's made in france that has no dialogue cute dog

there's a cute dog there is a cute dog but also you know create a press story and with horror films it's that people are fainting in the audience and vomiting everywhere and with that it's oh people didn't realize it was a silent film they asked for their money back no they didn't no they didn't then everyone who goes to it can feel very sophisticated because they realized it was going to be something exactly we've got a question about a different kind of film that people like to watch in silence now. Hi, Haylon and Ollie. It's Lizzie from Orkington.

Answer me this. My housemate has put a porn filter on the internet and I don't know how to bring it up in conversation. Please tell me what to do. I don't know whether I'm misinterpreting Lizzie's query, but does she want to bring it up in conversation because she wishes the porn filter to be removed and allow her sexual entertainment to proceed uninhibited once more?

Yes, she wants to freak herself off. That's a very elaborate way of putting it. I'm dainty. I think that's what's happening here. She wants a lady, Chos. It's interesting, isn't it, a novel, to have a woman ask us about porn. I don't think that's what's happening here. She wants a lady, Chos. It's interesting, isn't it? A novel to have a woman ask us about porn. I don't think that's ever happened before,

apart from maybe in the context of my boyfriend likes porn, how do I stop him? But not, I'd like to watch some porn, how do I go about it? Or Olly Mann, will you be in a real life porn with me? No, we never did those questions on the air. I just contacted them directly. Lizzie, what you need to do is just get some circumvention software. Oh, really? is it that easy?

Oh, so I hear. Basically the way I understand that it works is you don't put it down, I mean I actually genuinely don't have controls on my computer so it's not an issue for me You have no control on your computer Sorry, I'll call you back for this business conversation later, it is the wanking hour You don't download the software to the computer that you want to watch the porn on

so it doesn't involve dealing with the computer at home What you do is you find a computer that's uninhibited like if you have a particularly liberal workplace for example or you know perhaps your parents computer yes ideal and then and you install the software onto that and then this is what chinese people do when they're avoiding the firewall isn't it you actually then basically look at that computer remotely yeah so does that mean that computer has to be on all the time when you want to i'm wank Yeah I'm not sure about that I don't know how that works I don't know That would be an embarrassing conversation

To have with your mum wouldn't it as well Maybe you should just say to your housemate I've been trying to watch some stuff And nothing's getting through Because of your filter Because of the clunky filters Yeah exactly Because the filters block out things

That aren't even pornographic It's just certain words Say that you want to watch Some human rights footage from Syria I want to it You're awful Olly No no because it's quite convincing isn't it that an isp would block something that amnesty had put up and no one's going to say anything they're all going to say all right oh god we don't we don't live in a dictatorship here you can you can watch whatever you like yeah that would be a really

awkward conversation when someone came in to watch it to see you beating off over what they thought was human rights atrocities it's like the shark attack thing in friends where monica thinks that's what gets chandler or if you're really anxious to avoid having that conversation could you not get yourself a phone or tablet with good 3g or you know a dongle yes get a mi-fi yeah get a mi-fi like ollie man has it's like having your own router that will allow you as much porn as you want Unfiltered wherever you are Porn on the moon, have it on the night bus, have it in the restaurant

Have it in Pret-a-Mange Your life's never been better, has it? That's right Old people do stay with us, Jackie Mason coming up later Here's one of life's great mysteries now It's expressed by Evan, who says Olly, answer me this What is the pick and mix?

Seriously? Do you think Evan is a foreign person? Maybe he's five. He doesn't understand our references. He's heard us mentioning pick and mix with abandon. Yeah. What is this mystery? I suspect Evan might be from the Americas.

Do they not have pick and mix there? Well, they do, but they call it... Candy fun. Loose candy. Oh, loose candy. Oh, really? Yeah. So that's what it is, Evan.

It's loose candy. If Evan is not from the Americas, he is from perhaps a sugar-deprived household such as the one I grew up in. In Victorian London. Sent up the chimneys with nearly a bonbon at the top to tempt me. It's like Russell Brands in the room. I'm going to fuck you now.

Good day. Imagine, if you will, Evan, I'm going to fuck you now. Good day. Imagine, if you will, Evan, a number of containers of sweets and you gather a scoop and a paper bag and use the scoop to transfer your pick of the sweets into the bag where it mixes with the other sweets. And then you take it to the counter and they charge you way over the odds for the weight of sweets. Yeah, it's chocolate you buy with a shovel, basically. What's not to like about that? the other sweets. And then you take it to the counter and they charge you way over the odds for the weight of sweets. Yeah.

It's chocolate you buy with a shovel, basically. What's not to like about that? And sour sweets. Yeah. Do you have a system? Do I have a system? Me. Chocolate Brazils at the bottom.

Oh, chocolate Brazils. Yes. And then lay it on top the sours. And then, you know, the cola bottles and the... Sour cherries. Yeah. And then on top of that, the gummies. Interesting. That's how it works.

And then when I'm in the cinema in the dark by myself... You know. I know that if I go to the bottom, I'm going to get the big chocolate balls and if I go to the top, I'm going to get the little gummies. Don't waste your time with those big gobstoppers though. Not fun to eat. And heavy.

Going to put the price up. You'd be an idiot. But if you bought a gobstopper, that would last for... My friend's got one that's lasted for 25 years. It's passed down from generation to generation. Yeah, basically. If you've got a question, email your question. My friend's got one that's lasted for 25 years. It's passed down from generation to generation. Yeah, basically. If you've got a question, email your question to answermethispodcast at googlemail.com

answermethispodcast at googlemail.com answermethispodcast at googlemail.com answermethispodcast at googlemail.com So, retrospect this podcast at Googlemail.com. So retrospectives, what historical events are we ticking off on this week's run of Today in History? On Monday, we bring you the real story of the mutiny on the bounty. On Tuesday, the anniversary of the day somebody invented the meatball, but who? On Wednesday, the iconic British car that ripped off an iconic American car. On Thursday, how American airlines invented air miles.

And on Friday, the UFO sighting that gripped colonial America. We discuss this and more on Today in History with The Retrospectors. Ten minutes each weekday, wherever you get your podcasts. Well, we are now off to the Wyndham's Theatre, where... I like this drumroll. Ladies and gentlemen. Until March the 17th he's there

with his new show Fearless it's Jackie Mason star of American comedy massive stand up legend

used to be a rabbi he's in some films he's performed to the queen and now he's answering your questions he's proper showbiz how the fuck

did you get an interview with him we cannot reveal our sources we've got doubt on him live sort of not live it his podcast on Answer Me This. Jackie Mason, thank you so much for joining us. Why not? You've got to be working for nothing.

It's not easy to get a thing like this. Welcome to the internet. That's how it works. I've heard about the internet. I'm too intelligent to look at it because I don't like to waste my time. But for other people who have nothing to do, I think the internet is a wonderful, it's a phenomenal idea. If if you were looking for a girlfriend nowadays do you think you'd go online I thank god I'm too popular to have to worry about it it's like asking me if I was starving

what would I do to get food there are certain things that are too remote from my personality or my needs that I never gave it a thought I'm such a sensation that people follow me around. So you're asking me what would I do to go find one? My problem is how to get rid of them, not how to find them. Okay, well, I have that problem too, obviously. I was just humouring you. Now, we're backstage at the Wyndham's Theatre in London. Madonna played here, and she insisted that her dressing room was re-wallpapered. Madonna is like a lot of sick people in this business who get so spoiled that they feel they can make any demand on anybody and everybody's accustomed to satisfying whatever ridiculous or obnoxious demand they make.

Barbara Streisand also does these ridiculous things. She only likes to have her dressing room pink before she goes on. So they have to repaint her dressing room into a pink colour. Some of them only want a certain kind of a cookie that nobody ever heard of before. Why didn't she just stay at home if she wants everything like that well then she there's no reason for it to stay home if i offered you a million dollars to show up are you going to stay home i think about it quite hard i don't think you would now you're here at the windhams until the 17th of march how has london been treating you so far i don't know about how

london was treating me but i am treating lond very well. I'm not waiting for London to treat me because I'm treating them into an opportunity to see one of the great comedy stars of all time. And they should thank God that I show up. Well, on that note, we've got this question from Elaine from Edgeware who says, Jackie, answer me this. Why are you retiring?

I'm retiring because I think I've done enough for people. I gave them enough entertainment. It's time for me to take a vacation. There's a limit i think i've done enough for people i give them enough entertainment it's not time for me to take a vacation there's a limit to how much you could do for people what are you going to do with yourself won't you be a bit bored without your business what kind of i apologize i'm going to be living i'm not going to tell you we're the big brother generation jackie you have to understand we expect to see you 24 7 you've been invited on reality shows stuff like that yes i have been invited to all these type of reality shows and all those shows where they suddenly reveal themselves, everything about their own personal life and everything

about the most intimate things and their personal behavior. I think it's a preposterous trend and it's absolutely ridiculous. Just because a person is a performer, he doesn't owe it to you to let you know exactly what he does in a personal way. People who are not performers will not tell you everything about their intimate personal habit they have. There are certain things you keep to yourself. A performer owes you nothing except his performance. He doesn't owe you anything about his personal life. But it must be so hard to turn down some of the money, no?

People are saying, as you were saying, a million dollars, like Barbara Strass, you get a million dollars, Jackie, if we can film in your house for a week. There's a limit to what I would do for money. What if somebody said to me, take your clothes off for money? I don't think I would show them my body for money. Well, you're just depriving the whole world, Jackie. That's very selfish. I don't want people to get that excited. People are liable to get heart attacks. Look at me. I don't want to destroy all of humanity just because they want to see it. Well, we've got a question now, Jackie, from Corey, who says, Jackie, answer me this. And actually, this reflects a lot of our listeners' interest.

When we said you were coming on the show, they were very excited because of this. She says, had you ever seen The Simpsons before you were on the show? Because, of course, they know you as Rabbi Hyman Krotovsky, Krusty's father. As a matter of fact, I never saw The Simpsons before I was on the show because I never watched know you as Rabbi Hyman Krotovsky, Krusty's father. As a matter of fact I never saw The Simpsons before I was on the show because I never watched a cartoon show in my life. But I never watched one of those cartoon shows. I never watched a sitcom. I did all kinds of shows but

I never watched the shows. I did a number of movies but I never watched the movies. I did a show called a movie called Caddyshack 2. It was a major hit but I personally never even saw the picture. Why? I mean, because you must be interested in films that other people are in.

Well, he knows what happens at the end if he's been in it. The truth of the matter is I never watch other people's films either. I almost never go to movies. What do you do to unwind? I know you're going to say this is none of my business, but if you're not watching films, what are you doing? I sit in lobbies. I watch how people behave.

I walk the streets and look at people. My greatest hobby is watching people, all their foibles, all their characteristics, how people reveal themselves without realizing it. Fascinating to me, just to study people and human behavior. To me, every person is a movie of his own to me. People don't realize how much, how individually different they are from everybody else, how their own personality expresses itself without them realizing it. A Jew doesn't realize how differently he walks around than a Gentile.

And I could just see from their body language if he's Jewish. So Jackie, what is the telltale sign of a Jew physically, then? JACKIE HEMPTON- Well, the telltale sign of a Jew is pomposity. Every Jew feels he's important and he's a show of his own. Every Jew that ever met me, even 30 years

ago, gives me an argument if I don't remember him. Every Jew thinks he's such a unique character and he's such a sensation and somehow in his own mind that it's impossible to forget him. No matter if he's repulsive, idiotic, stupid, retarded, no matter

what condition he's in, he thinks somehow he's the biggest hit of all time and nobody could forget him. And they give me an argument, the same Jew that meets me and tells me he's my biggest fan. If I don't remember him, he wants me to drop dead on this planet. He's more important than the stars, as far as he's concerned. The stars should thank God that he's there, and he thinks he should be the focal point of the show. Only Jews come over to me before a show and say, listen to me, I'll be in the third balcony. I want you to do me a personal

favor. My sister just came out from Philadelphia. Her foot hurts. Could you mention her foot? By the way, my father's birthday was a week ago last Thursday. Could you please mention happy birthday to my father? My mother's a little tired. So you say, I hope you feel better and get some sleep.

And only these three things, that's all I'm asking for. Otherwise, you could do whatever you want. Jackie, you seem a very wise man. So let's hear this question from Gary from Sussex, who says, this year, I shall be 50. So Jackie, answer me this. What should I really know by this stage of life there's so many things that you should know that I would take 300 shows for me to tell him

what he should know I can't tell him what he should know in one sentence or in one show and if everything I knew that he should know I should start telling him I'd have to open a university and have him go there for five years in one sentence you could tell him everything you should know that means I think he's an idiot because that's all he should know. You should know a lot more than a person could give you as an answer in a radio show. Now, Jackie, you grew up surrounded by rabbis. Your whole family were rabbis, basically. And so that was the expected path for you.

And you even did your first step of becoming a cantor, right? Right. I was also a rabbi. I practiced as a rabbi for a couple of years. So what made you leave as a rabbi? What made me leave is I felt it's unfair to people for me to pretend that I'm as religious as a rabbi should be. I was really doing it to please my father because I had great love and respect for my father.

My father always dreamed that all his sons would be rabbis. I had three brothers before me who all became rabbis, and it was a tradition in our family going back to hundreds of years. And it was like a holy tradition to my father. And I knew he would be heartbroken if I didn't become a rabbi. So I did it basically to please him, even though I knew that I'm not as religious as a rabbi should be. But I felt hypocritical doing it it to admonish people about how they should behave in such a totally religious fashion while I myself wouldn't do it. Did you used to make jokes in your sermons?

Yes, I always made jokes in my sermons because even no matter how serious the message is, you could always highlight your point by doing it in a comedy form because you could always highlight a point to make it more graphic and more colorful and at the same time really identify and really emphasize the significance of it with humor.

And I began to notice that when I was doing comedy to emphasize a situation, a thought or an idea, I was getting big laughs, and I got so many laughs that before you know it, the comedy was a bigger hit than the sermon. More and more people came to hear the jokes than the sermon and before you know what the gentiles in the area also came to is that really true that's actually true because it was a small town sheboygan wisconsin and the gentiles heard about this comedy rabbi and they all started to come to see me before you know it there was more gentiles than jews in the temple what was

it i used to do this joke in my act that that there were so many Gentiles that the Jews couldn't even get into the building. So what do you think happened? I became the only rabbi of a Gentile congregation. Well, actually, we have a question that is sort of about theology. It's from John, who says, as a former rabbi, what thoughts does Jackie have on the theory that we are all alien hybrids descended from various ancient alien cultures? And doesn't that theory make far more sense than most modern day religious thinking? I have no idea what the answer is to this type of a question.

They teach a story about these type of things every day. They tell me once the world is eight million years old, then they tell you it's 2,000 years old. Then they tell you these fossils are 100 billion years old, then they find out there's other fossils that came before these fossils that are 7 zillion years old. Then they say people came from monkeys, people came from furniture, people came through the roof,

people came from the ceiling. I don't know where the world comes from and who started what and whether which theory is right so i have no time to look into it i'm trying to make a living i'll leave this job to somebody else now i have a final question for you jackie and it's a very controversial one uh it comes from ben in hatfield heath who says jackie answer me this. Chicken soup. Is it a magical healing Jewish grandma wonder broth or

a watery stock with overcooked carrots? I think Ben's lady's card's on the table there. I have no idea what it is. All I know is that it tastes good to me. I'm not a chef and I don't know how they make it. I've got the slightest idea why it tastes that way but all i

know is that it tastes good to me do you believe in the medicinal properties though i don't i don't think anybody has proven the medicinal properties of chicken soup except for the fact that something hot feels better when you have a cold but whether feeling better means that it's actually helpful in any way medicinally nobody knows it's just massages. People think if you get a massage, it somehow is beneficial medically. But if you ask a doctor, he'll tell you medically it accomplishes nothing. It just makes you feel good

when the person is doing it to you. Like comedy, Jackie. It relaxes your body. But that doesn't mean that it serves any medical purpose because it doesn't. Well, you're still here and you're in fine shape and it's basically your Lucozade. So I think that's a good advert for it.

The what? It's your Lucozade. And that's an American drink. Lucozade, what's Lucozade? It's basically sugar water, Jackie, but they pretended that it was medically effective. It's like vitamin water, but it tastes even more disgusting. Oh, is that right? I know nothing about what chicken soup does. All I know is I think it

tastes great. But anything that's hot tastes great. That's why's hot, it tastes great. That's why people drink coffee day and night. It's not that coffee is such a fantastically tasty thing, but people like to have something hot in their mouth. Well, kids, that was Jackie Mason himself. If you want to hear more from him, then he's on at the Wyndham's Theatre in London

until March the 17th. And also, there's even more Jackie on our app this week. If you want that, you can download the app from our website where you can also go to find out the contact details of how to send us your questions. That, of course, as always, is AnswerMeThisPodcast.com And we'll see you without

a septuagenarian Jew next week. Disappointing when you put it like that. Never mind. But if you add our ages together, we're a sexagenarian, Jude. Yeah, I'll try my best to do my impression. It's not particularly good, but I'll try my best. Are you getting there? Yeah, I'm getting there.

It's getting better. I wouldn't call it amazing. But by next week, it might be amazing. So come back then to see. Bye! Bye! Well, I'm glad to answer all these questions. But Helen and I are the people that you should

really ask the questions to, because I can't be here all the time, and I spoke to them. I found they were exceptionally intelligent people. I don't know if I believe it myself, but they told me that. I'm quoting them, and if they think so much of themselves, maybe they're right.