Answer Me This! - AMT209: Trojans, Hearses and Christian Barbecues

Episode Date: March 15, 2012

Trojans, Hearses and Christian Barbecues Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

To support sustainable food production, BHP is building one of the world's largest potash mines in Canada. Essential resources responsibly produced. It's happening now at BHP, a future resources company. Will you sponsor my wank-a-thon for sport relief? Ask me this, ask me this. Is Patricia Hodge the same person as Penelope Keith? Ask me this, answer me this Is Patricia Hodge the same person as Penelope Keith? Answer me this, answer me this Helen and Ollie, answer me this

Who could have predicted that puppets on film were such an emotive topic for the listeners of Answer Me This? We've got quite a reaction. It's almost like you've got nothing else going on in your brains. Episode 208 was a real stirrer for a lot of you and it is very interesting a bit of refuting of what you said from duane from bath who says the voice of et was primarily deborah winger with additional contributions from pat welsh and pat welsh is the old lady that i was referring to when i said that an old lady did the voice of et i think if deborah winger were the voice of et i would have noticed well it is

actually a very off repeated rumor online um and i was aware of it but i glossed over it because it's not really true right because as far as i can tell although she did do a guide track of the voiceover okay was that for everyone else to act around before they found the final old lady voice or something like that basically yes she's not the et that you hear in the final film i mean by that point she was already being oscar nominated for other films she probably didn't need to do the voice of et although what's weird about this although deborah winger is quite a weird woman so maybe this isn't a massive surprise she gave an interview uh in which she said she'd never seen et because quote i never watch anything I'm in.

I can't pair it. And she never watches anything that she's the guide vocal track in either. As I say, I don't think they used any of her voiceover in the final version. But even if they did, even if it was all Deborah Winger, I can understand people saying they never want to watch stuff that they're in if they find it awkward to see themselves on screen. Obviously, I can't really sympathise because I love nothing more than seeing only myself all 24-7, but I can understand.

But it's not the same when you're doing the voice of a puppet. Surely you can watch the film then. Well, they modelled E.T. on her face. I can't really imagine that, but the voice of E.T. played by an attractive young lady. By the early 80s version of Zooey Deschanel with the dark hair and the big blue eyes. Why did you have to say Zooey Deschanel

so early on in the episode? Marcy's just going to go off by himself now for the rest of the episode i'm nice and quiet won't be chipping in um the legend has it that uh pat welsh the older lady who got to play et the sound designer of et ben burt had heard her voice in a camera store where she was wow and because she had a raspy fag enhanced breath likehanced breath. Like Patton Selmer in The Simpsons. Yeah. He thought, oh, that sounds like a weird alien that looks like a dusty turd. You should be cast in my film. I have always thought of E.T. as a heavy smoker because otherwise how can you account for his complexion?

That's right. Now, John from Nottingham has also got some feedback for us on a similar subject. He says his contribution to the puppet-muppet debate, that Big Bird is not a muppet debate uh the big bird is not a muppet that's not what everyone else is saying well it seems to be roughly split 50 50 but i think the more convincing arguments are made by the pro muppet camp i agree well numerous of our listeners actually pointed out and sided with me that big bird actually features i didn't mention

this last week but features in the 1979 the muppet movie so i mean nothing could be clearer there it's called the Muppet Movie. And how many of the listeners are siding with me in not caring? He also says there is a cake bake-off at my work. Lucky you. I'm sure that these events used to be known only as cake bakes.

I'm sure that they've become cake bake-offs only since the Great British Bake-Off. Because cake bake sounds fine. It rhymes. Cake bake-off sounds Yeah. Because cake bake sounds fine. It rhymes. Cake bake off sounds wrong. This is to get men interested. They're so bloody competitive. You can't say, well, how about we have a nice cake?

Yeah. They'll have to win something. Let's have sport food. John from Nottingham continues, each week one person bakes a cake and we all eat and judge them. Ah, you've got a small penis. Ah, your relationship is built on lies. Ah, your children can't read very well. You've got a small penis ah your relationship is built on lies ah your children

can't read very well you've got an iphone 3gs so they judge people week by week do they do you think they have a big score chart um i think they probably do yes if it's organized enough that they've called it a cake bake off and he's written a question about it they've probably got a leader board yeah uh it's my week coming up soon he says um luck And I was going to make a strawberry and lime cheesecake But after your comments last week That cheesecake can only get a max 7 out of 10 Helen answer me this What would be the best cake to make

That can ensure top marks from my colleagues John I am glad you got in touch now How embarrassing this would have been If he'd have gone in with his 7 out of 10 cheesecake Now we can actually help Can cheesecake even be transported safely? Absolutely not. Otherwise it'll arrive at the office looking like a bowl full of muesli. What a poor choice.

I'm so glad you got in touch. Helen, what's your recommendation? Well, we're going on the record of my friend Alex Daltas, who won the work bake-off by making pistachio macaroons. There's a hard though. Good lord. Do you know what the prize was? Tea at the Ritz. That's good, isn't it? It is good. It is difficult to make

macaroons, Martin. I have tried many times. I've been trying for weeks to make decent macaroons. So maybe you need to have a look at the scoreboard, which I'm sure is being kept, maybe in a shared Google document. I don't know how technologically advanced your office is, John, but why don't you see what kind of cakes in texture and flavour have trended well? I've been getting the best

judgements, yeah. And also, if your office is dominated by women might i suggest that a chocolate flavoured thing will fare better than a non-chocolate flavoured thing yes even though i generally i don't like them cupcakes that you've done a very fanciful bit of decorating on each of them individually hell why not cupcakes with all of your colleagues names on yeah maybe that will scoop that's nice although that's hard work because well i think generally speaking like the you know and it's not the most exciting cake in the world names on yeah maybe that will scoop that's nice although that's hard work because well making lots of individual i think generally speaking like the you know and it's not the most exciting

cake in the world but i think if you'd ask the majority of the british public to choose between a bunch of cakes that you could buy in the supermarket for example they'd all go colin the caterpillar you know they'd all go chocolate sponge with buttons on it that's always going to make people happy smarties not it's not sophisticated it's just nice isn't it but helen's indicated that there's a gender split on chocolate which i find intriguing generally i think women attribute all kinds of emotional pavlovian responses to chocolate oh you can make a pavlova hey very good uh whereas men i think generally speaking it's all about the maximum flavor possible for men okay so you might go for say coffee and walnut yeah i'd be into that

definitely maybe a ginger cake i have have to say, actually, generally speaking, my favourite cake in the world are the ones you can get from Costco. Massive, that's your favourite flavour cake. Yeah, but it's... 15 inches diameter. But it's sponge, isn't it? It's sponge with jam and, like, a thick layer of icing on the top. And some marzipan balloons on top. That's right, yeah. Get one of those

and just personalise it and pretend you made it. That's how to do it. Hi, it's Meredith from Lewis here. Helen, Ollie and Martin asked me this. Why do buskers always play Oasis songs? Why do buskers always play Oasis songs? Is it because they're easy? They're really simple. And it does not demand much singing ability?

You can be very nasal and irritating. In fact, that helps. And people apparently like them, which means they're more likely to give you money. They play Don't Look Back in Anger and Wonderwall. They don't play The Hindu Times and Magic Pie pie do they are those real oasis yeah they sound like paul mccartney the hindu times was a single what yeah off the last album before they realized they were indeed past it everyone aged 25 to 50 knows those songs and everyone else will

tolerate them because they sound like the 60s yes broad brushstrokes isn't it you're gonna make more money the best busker of all time was recently outside Crystal Palace Station. And it was a man wearing full black tie, including the white silk scarf and a hat. He was sitting on an amp playing a tuba, which had balls of fire shooting out of the end. Wow. And it was amazing because I walked around the corner and I was like, why does the light keep flashing? And then I saw him. I was like why does the light keep flashing and then i saw him i was like bloody hell but not that many people were giving him money because

they were too scared to go near the fireball if you've got a question email your question to answer me this podcast at googlemail.com answer me this podcast at googlemail.com So, Retrospectives, what historical events are we ticking off on this week's run of Today in History? On Monday, we bring you the real story of the mutiny on the bounty. On Tuesday, the anniversary of the day somebody invented the meatball, but who? On Wednesday, the iconic British car that ripped off an iconic American car. On Thursday, how American airlines invented air miles.

And on Friday, the UFO sighting that gripped colonial America. We discuss this and more on Today in History with The Retrospectors. Ten minutes each weekday, wherever you get your podcasts. Here's a question from Pedj, who says, Ollie, answer me this. Where do people buy

hearses? I've never seen them at a ford dealership is it just one company that makes them or do all sorts of companies manufacture or only specialize in hearses my friend's mom owns a funeral service but i feel that asking her about things like this would be insensitive what she works around corpses all day she's not going to be insensitive about asking where a car comes from she's probably glad that someone takes an interest in her work. Exactly. In fact, a lot of people probably are on tippy-toes, aren't they, about talking about the business, whereas, you know, it's what she does. So what do you stuff their sunken eyeballs with?

Am I being hopelessly stupid by assuming that Hearst was the manufacturer? Or do these to be called Hearths when they're drawn by horses and things like that? I'm allowed to say yes, you're being incredulous. Oh, OK. Yay! It's a type of car, like aoon it's not yeah not a manufacturer it's a style it's a style um and anyway no it's not just one company that makes them if you look at the badges here in the uk very often they're uh jaguar or mercedes well they are usually high end because no one wants to be buried in a skoda hearse and And they can go from nought to 30 in only an hour. So yeah, Rolls-Royce make them.

In the States, Cadillac and Lincoln are the two big ones. So yeah, high-end car manufacturers make them. And they use different chassis, but in Europe, apparently most of them are based on the chassis of a small van. That makes sense, because you've got the high bit at the back. Do you think people that drive hearses

moonlight as removal men? Well, I think a lot of people buy second-hand hearses so that they can help their friends move and stuff. And also it means that people will make way for your car, especially if you go around with a wreath that says mum stuck to the roof. Well, I read an article online by this woman who says that she's always collected

hearses and driven around in hearses. A bit like these people who drive London cabs. Or pokemobiles. But yeah, you know how Stephen Fry drives a London cab, doesn't he? I'd love to have a london and he's always oh the suspension's fantastic and people get out of your way and they look cool it's a lovely designed car yeah it's not so much bit deathy but very useful for carrying loads and this woman said also people are reverential towards it or a bit suspicious of it or it reminds them of death so no way so they don't go near it so she said as an experiment went to a shopping mall and left a $20 bill on her passenger seat with the window open,

came back two hours later and no one had touched it because you just wouldn't because it's a hair. But if someone saw the back of a hearse piled up with supermarket carrier bags, they might get a bit suspicious. So you'd have to keep a coffin in there just to put your shopping in. Maybe, or they might just think you've chopped up the body into lots of different shopping bags, like Dexter. In my case, would be what had happened had happened now where can one buy a brand

new hearse can you just go to a hearse dealership you have to go to a hearse specialist for that but do you have to present yourself as some kind of mortician or could you just buy one as a lay person anyone can buy one but the cost is going to be a bit prohibitive so really money is no object for some goths if the money's the money's no object yes you could get one and going to be a bit prohibitive. So really... Money is no object for some goths. If the money's no object, yes, you could get one. And they'd be a bit surprised, but you could go to the same places that funeral directors go. But more realistically, you just go on eBay or go to a car dealership to get a secondhand one

that's 10 years old because they last forever, hearses. And do they have back seats? Or is it just the two front seats and then the coffin place? The latter. But I suppose you could get it retrofitted, but that would be a bit weird. I did read a blog as well of someone who said that they tried camping in one once, sleeping where the coffin would be. But that it's really uncomfortable because it's designed basically like a luggage rack.

Yeah. It's not designed to have a body that's alive on it. No way. It's not really a caravanette, is it? Exactly. What about like what they did in Ghostbusters where they had those sort of ambulance cars? Because they were a very similar design, aren't they? They are.

Well, actually, a lot of hearses have doubled as ambulances in certain countries. How ironic. Yes. Because, you know, if you've got a country where you've got a pretty remote town centre... And not very good healthcare. You might as well just cut straight to the end.

I suppose so. Well, from death to kidney failure, here's a question from Nick. Usually it's the other way around. Who says, a few years ago, my uncle was unfortunate enough to suffer kidney failure. Oh, no. Sorry about that, Nick. And he required a transplant.

However, fortunately enough, a suitable donor was found in the form of his girlfriend. Good. For a minute, I thought this was going to be an answer me this telethon here. Can you please ask your listeners if they're a b negative um so anyway he says his girlfriend in a consummate display of her affections agreed to hand over one of her good kidneys to keep her partner going i assume she let a doctor intervene to do the handing over a bit no no just grabbed it like robert de niro in the Kenneth Branagh Frankenstein. You'll be pleased to hear the operation went. I think he's missed a word at the end

of that sentence. I'm hoping it's well. I think it's well. But anyway, the operation went. Fast forward about seven years though, and the once loved up couple have ended their relationship and gone their separate ways. She may have got the house, says Nick, but he still has

her kidney. So Helen, answer me this. As we now live in an age of prenuptial agreements, could such an agreement exist that in the event of a separation, enforce the return of any donated organs to the original owner? Well, divorce lawyer friend of mine says that prenups you can usually get around they're very rarely watertight and i think if you're willing to do something as magnanimous as donate an organ to somebody you do it in the spirit that whatever happens with your relationship you're not getting that organ back ever i think that's the bottom line there i also think if a court were to rule that she deserved her kidney back

how could they actually enforce that happening i think this is a case where possession is nine tenths of the law possibly even ten tenths and also she probably wouldn't want that kidney back because when you have a transplant you have to take a lot of immunosuppressant drugs to stop the body rejecting it and those can you know they can have quite a toxic effect on the kidney yeah you know a lot of people even a successful transplant only lasts about 10 years or so so maybe your uncle needs to look out for another blood group compatible girlfriend now this isn't a question that nick has asked us but i'm curious so i'm gonna ask anyway i can do that i'm the co-host i am on the donor register you can have my corneas well no okay here's the question martin needs your kidney do you give it to him yeah yes if it's compatible not if it's not obviously well why would you give him a bad

kidney what would be the point of that just being bitchy and martin bearing in mind helen has now said she definitely would give you her kidney would you give her yours don't do it martin i'm a much less valuable member of society than you are yeah i think so i mean i'd be pretty terrified i don't like having organs removed but yeah i, I guess. Okay, I'm going to move this on a stage because I too would give my kidney to my girlfriend. Yeah. I need a kidney, would you give it to me? Yeah, I'd certainly consider it.

Would you? Yeah. I feel like Lou and Harold in Neighbours. See, now I feel bad because I don't think I'd give you my kidney. I don't want your stinking kidney. I think the only person I'd do it for is my girlfriend. Yeah, but you're quite a selfish person. I'm obviously a terrible person.

Oh, Martin, would you give me your kidney? I don't think you'd give me your kidney. If you were going to die, yeah, I think I probably would. Would you? Yeah, but you're quite a selfish person. I'm obviously a terrible person. Oh, Martin, would you give me your kidney? I don't think you'd give me your kidney. If you were going to die, yeah, I think I probably would. Would you? Yeah, yeah. Ellen, if you were about to die, I hope this makes you feel better. If you were about to die... No, it's too late.

I'd go out there fundraising for someone else to give you their kidney. You'd do a plug on Sky News or BBC London. I'd do a full telephone, Helen. Thanks. But I just don't know that you could have my kidney. I don't want your bloody kidney. All right, fine. Keep it.

You're not going to have it. Keep your bloody only child's selfish kidney. People say that there's only one way for the internet to make money. Well, we tried that. We were too fat. And our genitals look funny. So it's back to square one, but you can still have fun buying up our old shit. Cos for 79 pence each you can get our first 80 episodes.

And I can put away my tits. Go to askmedispodcast.com slash classic to blow your load. And we'll be richer than Cormac McCarthy after he sold film rights to the road. To the road, to the road, to the road. Who needs porn? Time for a question from Maddy from Sydney, who says, I am a student at Sydney University and I'm also, to completely fit the stereotype,

blonde and hot. She doesn't say that. Fond of outdoor gyms. Dirt poor. Oh, yeah. That's what she uses there. It's her descriptive term. I think that probably is a

stereotype there for students as well. Yep. As I was walking through uni today, I got hot and started taking my clothes off down to my bra. Lee, stop it! Sorry. What are you objectifying our listeners, you bastard? Around 12.30... I've got to have some reason to do this podcast. Around 12.30, a guy was telling everyone walking past that

there was a free barbecue! Yes, yes, yes. A barbecue in Australia. How novel. So far, so good, since I was saving my money for essentials like online shopping and alcohol. Oh, well. The only problem was the guy was wearing a T-shirt with a massive cross on the front

and Jesus is our Lord and Saviour on the back. Was it an ironic band T-shirt? I think not. Oh. Although it wasn't explicit, i think that was pretty explicit it was pretty clear to me the discerning young person that i am that i would probably be expected to join this society if i wanted my free food excellent deductive reasoning which has got her into this place of tertiary education that's right yes what an exemplar of higher education she is. It was then that I came to a moral quandary.

I am not in any way religious. In fact, I would describe myself as fairly apathetic and undecided about the whole thing. Perfect for the Christian recruiters. But there was no way I was passing up a free sausage. Yeah, I'll commit to God. She's undecided a sausage might sway her. So in the end, I went, got a free sausage Yeah I'll commit to God She's undecided a sausage might sway her So in the end I went

Got my free sausage sandwich with tomato sauce Had an awkward conversation With a girl studying science And I awkwardly ran away While the sausage sandwich was great As they always are And my appetite was quenched I immediately felt guilt

The Christ's have got you I think they've won, yeah That I had used and deceived these people Obviously hoping to turn me from my immoral ways For my baser desires They led you into temptation by having a barbecue Yes Were the sausages arranged in the shape of a crucifix?

So, Helen, answer me this Am I doomed to rot forever in hell In eternal damnation Well if you are We'll see you up there I had a lot of free Christian barbecues at university No regrets They must have seen that you were a Jew

Yeah that's right I used to carry a dreidel with me wherever I went Well you kept barbecue sauce in it If you rot in hell It's too late really to do anything about that You've already eaten the sausages of doom but i suppose the point of a lot of christian ideas is that of redemption yeah so if you're really worried go back eat more of their food and learn the lessons

that you have to give what's brilliant about christians of course is you could have you could have stolen everything from that barbecue and then if you went back and said sorry they'd basically have to forgive you yeah the point is they know that most people are going there for the freebies and it's very unlikely that most of the people going there for freebies with cynical minds will be swayed within the time it takes them to eat a bat full of meat you've got to view this as a brand awareness exercise they're not expecting everyone to be uh to be a sale they're just expecting you know there to be a kind of general friendly awareness. And it's paid dividends, hasn't it? Because all the way on the other side of the world from Sydney,

here we are talking about it in Crystal Palace. It's what Jesus would have wanted. They only bought five sausages, but they turned them into 5,000. Is there a food that you would be surprised to see at a Christian barbecue? Chicken noodle soup, matzah,

halal meat. Yeah. Pizza with 666 written on it in onion. As they handed you the sandwich, Maddy, did they say, this is my body? And then when they squirted the sauce on it, they go, this is my blood. Shh, it's a question line.

It's a question line. 0-2-0-8-1-2-3-5-8-double-6. It's a question line 02081235877 Answer me this Shhh! Answer me this I don't know nothing Such a perl over It's a question line It is a question line. It's a question line.

0-2-R-8-1-2-3-5-8-R-7. Here's a question from Toby who says, Ollie, answer me this. Why is the Financial Times pink? And are there any other papers that print on similarly fancy pants paper it's not really pink is it it's sort of salmon exactly imagine if it actually was pink like neon pink neon pink that'd be a bold statement wouldn't it as as other papers uh triveling and dying financial times going no we're taking an outre design decision yeah it's clever though now that i think about it and i never have thought about the ft for so long before but you can see

someone reading one a mile off it's effective advertising for the ft yeah well the thing is you have to think about what the brand means right and like buying salmon they're big on salmon yeah buying the ft means i'm a real fish man Don't give me no chicken legs I want salmon for my tea If I wanted chicken legs, I'd buy the Guardian No, it's saying I'm not just a business person I am a high-flying business person And I hark back to the glory days of the British Empire

One third of the globe was the same colour as me Yeah, exactly I still don't really get how that ties in with the colour Because it's distinct, isn't it? It's a paper where people are proud to be seen walking around with it. But couldn't they have a more sort of financial colour?

Well, like pinstripe. Oh, pinstripe. Or sort of like greenish. Grey, blue. Oh, yeah, sort of money coloured. I wonder whether they chose pink because it was sort of harking back to Britain

as a mighty financial and political power. Well, when the Financial Times was launched in 1880-something... I remember it well. A free copy came with my bino there were three other national financial titles at the time so wow what happened i know what is there now just the ft well i'm sure someone's going to write in and say no they're city am but obviously they're all a bit rubbish apart from the ft aren't they uh also it wasn't the first paper to go pink for the second part of Toby's question.

What was the other? The Communist Times? No, you'd think, wouldn't you? Or maybe a very early gay rights mag. But the first paper to be pink was in fact the Sporting Times, which also now doesn't exist. But that was pink before the FT was. It wasn't an original idea. It's just the FT is the only surviving one. Here's another question, I suppose suppose about marketing from sean from dublin who says ollie asked me this why are maltesers advertised exclusively towards women i know yorkie bars are advertised as not for girls but maltesers i don't even try to be tongue-in-cheek about it don't you find the whole

thing a bit sexist i do do you it does make women seem a little bit vapid and silly but i don't think these adverts are as bad as the ones for boots where it's women either either here come the girls hey girls buy some hair straighteners they're pink yeah or it's the two women talking going oh my husband what a wally oh he thinks he's ill i've got a broken leg but look i'm out buying him medicine for his man flu blah blah find that very denigrating those i do find effect those i find because everyone has to use boots not everyone has to eat maltesers but everyone needs shower gel painkillers and deodorant etc i already walk in there and feel alienated enough by the fact that it's clearly kind of designed with women in mind but boots is very masculine

ollie the whole of the frontage is blue which as everybody knows is for men i think with the maltesers thing though they've got this product and they've gone oh how can we market this it's just some chocolate with a biscuit in oh but it's got air in it and that means it's like a, it's for men! I think with the Maltesers thing though, they've got this product and they've gone oh, how can we market this? It's just some chocolate with a biscuit in. Oh, but it's got air in it and that means it's like a diet snack. Women will love it. But a lot of men are watching their weight as well. Well, yes, but their tagline is the lighter way to enjoy chocolate and I guess

generally diet foods do appeal more to women. It's very rare to see a diet food targeted at a man. But they got in trouble, Maltesers. Yes! I'm not fucking diet food. Because it to see a diet food targeted at a man but they got in trouble maltesers yes because it's not a diet food exactly and of course you know oh it's chocolate well it is true that eating one malteser only has 15 calories or whatever but so does eating that size amount of snickers so it's not it's a small amount of chocolate what weighs more a kilo of lead or a kilo of feathers did they advertise things like arrows and whispers the same way? Because they've got a bubble, haven't they?

Did they try and convince women that those were diet snacks? No, they target that directly at people who like chocolate to taste like a bar of soap. Now, I've got a thought on this. Great. Let's hear it. Cheese. Yeah. We all like cheese.

Just for girls. Well, soft cheese is for girls and hard cheese is for men. Exactly. for girls well soft cheese is for girls and hard cheese is for men exactly but why has no one come along and done cheese aerated cheese with holes in it for women

oh like goyenne or leerdammer yeah but actually the lighter way to enjoy love imagine that and that might sell

mightn't it I wouldn't put anything you could aerate anything and say it's the lighter way to enjoy X you have so many business plans and yet you're not a billionaire.

What's with that? What's happened? Come on, Zuckerberg. I like that. It's not a bad idea, is it? Fizzy vodka, the lighter way to... Actually, they have sort of done that, haven't they? Ciabatta, the lighter way to enjoy Grissini.

Yeah. And here's a question from Ian from Taunton. I was just wondering, as you do, about Trojan condoms. It seems odd to me that this particular name would be used to brand a product such as this. Why so? Considering that the Trojans are primarily known for sneaking unwanted items into a sealed area

and then releasing them. Oh, I see. The next morning they open up lots of sperm to an egg. So, Helen, answer me this. Are Trojan condoms, in fact, the biggest practical joke ever and all those who use them in good faith find themselves unwittingly impregnated? Well, he's got his illusion a bit wrong because the Trojans... Oh yeah, do you think so?

It was the Greeks that were within the Trojan horse invading Troy. So if the Greeks are the penis and Troy is the condom... I think at the moment Germany's the penis and Greece is the arsehole. It is confusing, though. Didn't Troy get burnt down by the penis of the Trojan horse? That's what happens when you use a Trojan condom, Martin. It self-ignites at the end to make sure that all the sperms are destroyed safely. Actually, I did use them once and did find them a little bit burny.

Did you? There you go, yeah. Well, because Americans won't know this, but in the UK they only introduced them over here as a brand like six, seven years ago. And there was a bit of a marketing push when they did. And now they're not in Boots and Superdrug, which are our two big sort of chain store pharmacies. They've been forced out by Durex.

Yeah, so actually I've not used them since then. I think you can still get them. Wait, I haven't had sex in seven years. We're in a very long-term relationship. Was it Trojan that their marketing thing was, it's for men with big penises, essentially? Yeah, that was part of it, because they do an extra large size. But they actually also do a range of sizes,

and they do all the usual things, the ones that are supposed to have extra pleasure and extra ribbing. Nobily. Longer-lasting. The ones that set fire to themselves. Exactly. The ones that last for ten years. Trojan War joke, you see. Thatjan war joke you see well i suppose that every man wants to buy a condom that suggests that he has a big one and he doesn't want to buy dinky mouse tail condoms

there's now an uncomfortable viral association i know that condoms are supposed to prevent stds but the trojan horse is a computer virus yeah no wonder the brand didn't take off here. No. I think you'll find they pulled out in the UK. Oh, very good. I am almighty Zeus. In the age of myths and heroes, I would hurl thunderbolts down upon mortals, and I had many followers. Now

I have no followers, but I follow Helen and Ollie at twitter.com slash Helen and Ollie with a Y. Why? Do you need the toilet, Helen? No. Do you need a question about toilets, Helen? Define need.

Are you prepared to take a question about toilets, Helen? Okay. Great. It's from Tom from Bath, but it's about toilets. That's adjacent to our bathtub That's right He says Helen answer me this

Why are toilets called WCs? Because that stands for water closet Which is what they used to be called Before they got other euphemisms That's nice There were earth closets before weren't there? Yeah or just long drops Pits

Thunderbox Open latrines A friend of my dad's used to call it The William the Conqueror suite That's quite nice isn't it That's charming That's really elaborate You can say at a polite dinner party I'm off to the William the Conqueror suite and it gets a laugh

Tom continues I ask because I am drawing toilets in a building plan Oh you saboteur I think he's an architect And it's making my brain numb Why do people need to shit inside buildings? Because that is what civilization has built up. It's just weird, isn't it? This person's an architect.

Why can't they just open the window and stick their bum out? God, I know. Either he is taking us back to a very primitive time where people didn't shit in buildings. They basically shat in the street. Or he's waiting for humans to have evolved out of the need for regular excretion. Yeah. Because sometimes you do think, I wish I could just go once a month and that'd be it it's so tiresome it's taking up so

much of my day well you can have these pipe dreams but i'm on it but you're going to be waiting thousands of years on you for that sort of evolution i'll be dead by then anyway i imagine it's a pleasing challenge for an architect in a way isn't it one of the things that architects enjoy trying to work out the challenges of every building needs toilets and plumbing and practicality around the design. Well actually, the designer of the college in Oxford where

Ollie and Martin and I met, St Catherine's Arnie Jacobson, he of the swan chair apparently originally designed the building without toilets. What a loon. I had to be reminded that people have basic functions to perform. Don't know what you do over there in Denmark, Arnie. Arnie Jacobson. I had to be reminded that people have basic functions to perform. Don't know what you do over there in Denmark, Arne. Arne Gjertsson didn't have an anus.

He didn't even have a cleft. Just had a single buttock. That's what Jakobsen means from Danish. Anusless. And Arne means no cleft. Well, that brings us to the end of this week's show. But there is more Helen Olley on the interweb this week. Yippee!

If you are a fan of Ian Collins Why wouldn't you be? Why wouldn't you be? That's right Friend of the show Star of Answer Me This, episode 149 He's got his own podcast now It's called Ian Collins Wants a Word

And we're on this week's show We're the special guests Episode 7 So yeah, if you want to hear that iTunes it or iancollins.com Of course, you can hear more of us on next week's episode As long as you send us your questions to talk about

and of course all of our contact details are listed on our website AnswerMeThisPodcast.com Now! Ask them wisely for next week's episode 210 is our last

before we take a village hall break! That's right, we're going off for three weeks after that I know it seems like maybe it's a bit soon for us to be having a holiday but Martin the Sandman has a real job, which means he can only

take holidays at certain times of year, and that time of year is now. So, we're going on holiday, and you're just going to have to deal with it. As are the people of America. Especially the traffic police. Now that only happened twice. A mere twice. Let's see if

he can beat that on the new holiday. And we'll see you next week. Bye!