Answer Me This! - AMT217: Sunburn, Chinos and Singin' In the Milk

Episode Date: May 31, 2012

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Can we do a boat pageant for my grandma's birthday? Answer me this, answer me this Once the jubilee is over, can we have Colin Firth day? Answer me this, answer me this Helen and Ollie, answer me this Helen Zaltzman Yes, Ollie man On Sunday the 20th of May 2012 at 6.15pm

Were you on the number 122 bus from Crystal Palace to Forest Hill? I have a cast iron alibi for that time. No, I don't think I've been on the 122 since last summer. Oh. When I was returning from Catford to Crystal Palace after a ramble.

Well, with such a tediously mundane detail you have unwittingly slammed Pete from Forest Hill. So early in the show. You will have also eased his conscience. Okay, good. Yes. Because he's written in to say, on Sunday, the 20th of May, 2012,

at about 6.15pm, I was on the number 122 bus from Crystal Palace to Forest Hill. I sat on the top deck at the front and who should I see sitting in the next seat over but Helen Zaltzman leafing through a newspaper? No, you didn't. Impossible.

What's the alibi? I was on a train coming back from my parents. I was immediately sure it was you, says Pete. Brilliant, I thought. I'll get her autograph. What do you need that for? That is of zero value. Well, you say that, you don't know how you're

going to die yet. You may yet become the victim of a high-profile serial murderer and therefore your autograph could be worth quite a lot on eBay in about 20 years' time to sick collectors. I'll start frequenting dodgy parts of town. But Pete says, I started having doubts. Yeah, you're right to. The real Helen often talks about her general shabbiness.

It's just a device. Yeah, it's partly self-deprecation, that. Just don't want to get you too excited about my appearance, listeners. But this woman looked quite well-dressed. Helen is usually smiling in her pictures, but this woman was a bit frowny. That's because the camera's being pointed at me.

I frown regularly in my normal life, partly because I have a bit of a squint. Yeah, Helen's face on the page is like fury, basically. Well, it is when you're there. It wasn't long before I found myself only 80% to 85% sure it was Helen. In the end, I kept my mouth shut and quietly got off the bus,

autographless. To be honest, you could just guess what my autograph is like and do it in your little autograph book. I realised later, says Pete in Forest Hill, thickening this plot, that this kind of thing happens to me all the bloody time.

Anyone would think that Pete is not all that great at facial recognition. Maybe it's just you that he sees all the time. I woke up in the middle of the night and there was Helen Zaltzman sitting on the end of my bed. So Helen, answer me this. What's worse, having a roughly 15% to 20% chance of embarrassing yourself in front of a stranger? Very precise with the maths, isn't he, Pete?

Maybe he's a statistician in life. Or a 100% chance of forever wondering what might have been? The former. Worse to embarrass yourself. Yeah, I think so. I have the opposite problem, actually, to Pete, where I see somebody and I think, is that someone I was at school with?

Or is that somebody that I had a business meeting with years ago and I can't remember their name now? And then I realise it's somebody that I can't remember the name of that I've seen in a television programme. Oh, God, that's the worst, actually. Well, it's fine. I mean, no one dies. The worst thing is if you actually ask them, and so people have asked them they just say really reluctantly like yeah i was in the halifax commercial three years ago so yeah but i'm the kind of person that never would

go up and ask i did do this thing with a guy that i later realized waking up in the middle of the night with a sweat i realized was this is really weird the managing director of little chef who starred in the uh specialist factual documentary series Big Chef Takes on Little Chef on Channel 4 with Heston Blumenthal. And I'd had a chat with him and I was like, I know you from somewhere but where? And I didn't ask him and then I remembered, that's where I know you from!

My friend Julie once saw Jeremy Paxman walking his dog in the park and she came back and she said, I saw Jeremy Paxman walking his dog in the park. I thought maybe I could give him my CV on a dog what i think she's trying to buy a toy dog see this i honestly think there was obviously a time where in the 80s you know you could send a cake to sachi and sachi with your cv in it or something and then it was seen as a novel thing to do yeah with your business card to chop it up with um yeah but But I think this stuff's just gone a bit fine. Like, these grandstanding things,

I don't think people are impressed. I think they're a bit scared by it. Yeah, use Twitter. Well, she couldn't use Twitter because it was 2002. Well, I know, but you can though. Yeah. The dog was the early Twitter. Everyone used to at-reply each other

by tying messages to poodles. Elizabeth from Thorn. I have a cat called Xander. I also live right next to a canal where there's lots and lots of ducks and we're just getting to the season where all the ducks are

nesting and laying eggs. I don't want Xander to do a duck massacre and kill all of the tiny ducks but I also he's driving me absolutely crackers and he's clawing on my furniture, so I have to let him out. So Helen and I, Anthony this,

what can I do that will stop Randa from wanting to kill baby ducks? I don't want to put a bell on him because I think that will humiliate him. I think that is a ridiculous viewpoint to espouse, Elizabeth, because the humiliation of your cat is surely not as important as saving the lives of all these ducks. Who's humiliated in front of this cool cat friend? I'm not sure, having studied cat behaviour up close, that they have humiliation in their arsenal, to be honest.

You can't see them blush because their cheeks are furry like martin actually animals trade on instincts don't they and unfortunately i'm afraid elizabeth killing ducks is instinct as you know listeners i'm a cat lover bells are essential i'm afraid but do bells actually work for scaring away ducklings i don't know about ducklings actually because of course they learn as they get older that a bell means big scary animal about to come here but at least it alerts them to the fact that there might be some danger. And frankly, if the cat manages to catch them then, they deserve to die.

They're a natural selection, isn't it? They're going to get killed by something else. One technique that you could try as well is I find that when I buy my cat a new toy that's been designed especially for cats, my cat is completely uninterested and of course plays in the cardboard box that the toy came in.

Yes, like a child really. Like a child, yeah. They don't need it. It's all just exemplifying how stupid cat owners are to spend money on their loved creatures. I'm glad you finally realised it. Perhaps buy your cat a duckling toy, and then it will build up such levels of disinterest

in the shape of ducklings that it won't be interested in the real thing. Oh, reverse psychology. Oh, brilliant. Here's a question now from Alec with a sunburnt back. Oh, I've seen some livid sunburn around London the past few days. Sunburnt tattooed flesh as well. That's particularly squeamish me. Although sometimes it can add to the artistry. I mean, it depends what the tattoo is of.

Yes, very much so. If it's a burger, it looks great. Anyway, Alec says, Helen, answer me this. When holidaying alone, at what moment is it acceptable to approach a perfect stranger and ask them to apply sun lotion to your back? Depends whether you're on the pool. If you're on the pool, straight away. Why wait? You're on holiday. Just go for it.

Yeah, but he's alone, but he might be approaching couples, for example. Well, they might be up for it. They're on holiday. That's true. What happens in Marbella? Yeah. Well, he says, is it necessary to make an introduction or engage in small talk at least a day before the application becomes an emergency no I think probably five minutes of polite chat the thing is I mean the picture that you so brilliantly created for us

there of a lot of people sitting around a pool in Marbella some couples that are there to swing some just for the fun actually my picture is on a beach possibly okay fine beach or pool we're in the same sort of place that's fine resort but what if he's like in a town center then you can't can you well then he should put a shirt on what if he's in like a five-star resort and it's all like really kind of manicured and everyone's like walking around in the spa then you can't just go up to someone there's a sunburn butler at the five-star resort yeah well he says he's asking hotel staff acceptable oh depends on again like what if it's not a five-star resort or if it's a two-star resort? Then can you ask the staff?

No, I don't think you can. If you're at an ETAP hotel, it's not going to work. I think if you're going to tip them handsomely, if you're in, say, Vegas, they probably will do anything. They will smear that lotion anywhere you want. Yeah, but then just as you're about to pay the plus with the 30% sun lotion tax,

that's $5,000. I think maybe if you're not on the pool, Alec and you're worried about this maybe approach like a kindly looking older couple. Yes.

So it's obvious that you're not doing it in a sleazy way and you go, excuse me, I'm trying to be sorry. Ages? Ages? Why is it obvious? Maybe he's into a bit of granny gash. People who've been parents before they go, oh, that looks nasty.

Let me help. Yeah, I see. If you want to take the sexual element out of it Maybe that's a safe way to start But otherwise if you're just sitting on the beach next to some people Just strike up a conversation and go I'm really sorry I know this is a bit forward and weird But do you mind I mean that's very English

I am English I'm very British And you could say that to Americans because they like that about British people I think you could say that to other because they like that about British people I think you could say that to other Brits abroad Brits abroad lose inhibitions fine

but what if he's in a place where there are no Brits abroad what if he's the only Brit what if he's the only person that speaks English can you say to a French or a stylish Italian couple rub this in my back

in that self-deprecating oh I don't mean to be a terrible bother I don't think you can what is it about his back that prevents him from doing it himself well it's hard to reach

yeah but it's possible. Has he got a very big back? He might have really short arms like Matthew McConaughey. I suppose. Put the suntan lotion on a long-handled paint roller. Yes. Do it yourself. Yeah.

In a way, it's not the most important part of your body to put suntan lotion on either as well. Oh, I don't know, because people can lie on their fronts, fall asleep and wake up with livid pain. Don't lie on your front. I mean, most of the time, if you're in a deck chair, you're lying on your back. Wear a cape.

You never see Batman with sunburn, do you? I've got a question. Then email your question to answer me this podcast at googlemail.com Answer me this podcast at googlemail.com Answer me this podcast at Googlemail.com. Answer me, this podcast at Googlemail.com. Answer me, this podcast at Googlemail.com. So retrospectives, what historical events are we ticking off on this week's run of Today in History?

On Monday, we bring you the real story of the mutiny on the bounty. On Tuesday, the anniversary of the day somebody invented the meatball, but who? On Wednesday, the iconic British car that ripped off an iconic American car. On Thursday, how American airlines invented air miles. And on Friday, the UFO sighting that gripped colonial America. We discuss this and more on Today in History with The Retrospectors. Ten minutes each weekday, wherever you get your podcasts. Park, what's that sound?

It's the sound of 20 aeroplanes from the military flying past, making the words Answer Me This Jubilee in tight formation. Is it? Yes, that's right. How do we afford that? On the proceeds of all of you who have bought the Answer Me This Jubilee on iTunes.

Thank you. Only £2.49, but it certainly adds up. It is, of course, now Jubilee Week. Here's the thing that I found out about Prince Philip. He is the first royal ever to use a barbecue wow 1952 prince philip got his own barbecue does he still use it i wonder i doubt it he's an early adopter he's all about cloud technology now do you think he now uses one of those apps that looks like a barbecue and you can pretend to be grilling a frankfurter on it

almost certainly those are stupid but they get very good reviews in the app store well here accordingly is a question about the royals oh good albeit not something i think we'll be drawing attention to during this celebratory jubilee time okay it's a question from rachel in sale who says i know there are rumors about princess diana's death oh no those aren't rumors rachel she is definitely dead well it depends whether you believe uh my grandmother's version of the events, which I recounted in a previous episode. Oh, it's worth recapping because it is good. Okay.

Instead of dying in the crash, she went into a coma. And then when she woke up from the coma and realised her true love, Dodie, was dead, she tried to throw herself into the seine. She was rescued by nuns. But she had amnesia. Who was this beautiful woman, they thought? They turned her into a nun they sent her off to do good works in the indian subcontinent somewhere and then on her deathbed

she gave a flash of those famous blue eyes and the people attending her last minutes on earth oh my gosh it was her all along fucking further in rachel's question she says i'm 11 and nearly fall asleep when copying out pages about the royals. You shouldn't copy out. You should interpret the information. Add your own initiative. You say should. I don't know if we're familiar enough

with the national curriculum to know the level that you should be at. She says, I want to know this. So, Ollie, answer me this. How did Princess Diana actually die? It's weird, isn't it, that if you are 11 years old, you've not been alive at the same time as Princess Diana. And it seems to me...

It's not that weird. It is weird, because to me, she's still very much the face you think of when you think about, I guess, the modern monarchy. To me, I always think of Queen Elizabeth I when I think about the modern monarchy. Yeah, she was the first to attend a Royal Variety performance, of course.

They had Marlow, followed by some jugglers. Actually, that's not so ridiculous isn't that is the kind of thing that would have happened yeah some early fireworks um but in any case i suppose because she's kind of frozen in time and because i was where she is frozen that's right yes on that on that island in the herb time to preserve her features and to make her delicious when prince philip puts her on the barbecue i didn't think there was any real dissent as to how she died, i.e. in the car crash. Car crash, yeah.

It's why the car crash happened. That is the thing that the conspiracy theories abound about. You know, the little white car, Prince Philip cutting the brake leads, Prince Charles, like, lying in the road and then shouting boo as the car went past. The reason the car was going so fast when it hit the wall in the tunnel

was because they were being pursued by the media And also the driver was three times over the legal driving limit Of course And you could even say But Princess Di was courting the media Which is why they were pursuing her and all that But the bottom line is That happened

Then there was a massive inquiry about it And of course as we all know The tabloid press now behave themselves ethically In every possible way They are upstanding So I suppose that's the thing That it's a bit of a shame That people haven't really learned from.

Was it Rebecca Brooks that killed her? Yes. She was sat in the boot of the car going, you don't need to wear seatbelts, any of you guys. Because none of them were, either. None of them were wearing seatbelts? No. If Rachel Linsdale really wants the technical details

as why Diana died, she died of injuries sustained in this car crash, chiefly her heart was shunted from the left side of her chest to the right side of her chest, which tore her pulmonary artery, which is very hard to survive. Happy birthday, Mum. Well, that's the Jubilee concert off to a flying start.

Gary Barlow leaving the stage there. Of course, the Queen's very favourite performer ever since he did that Take That video when he had jelly rubbed into his buttocks. The Answer Me This Jubilee. One hour of right royal fun. Available now from iTunes. I don't know if it's picking up on mics,

but outside the window of the Answer Me This studio, there are a lot of children going, which is one way to reach our ears, but a better way is to call the question line by dialling this number. 0-2-0-8-1-2-3-5-8-double-7 Or by Skyping Answer Me This. Oh, hi. This is Darren Joe from Brick House, answer me this. Oh, hi. This is Dan and Jo from Brick House, West Yorkshire.

We were just watching Tenacious D miniseries. We're quite drunk and on a school night as well. And they appear in front of a curtain before the narrative starts. And they sort of have a front of a curtain before the narrative starts, and they sort of have a bit of a conversation with the audience, you know, which is us. Helen and Ollie, answer me that. What the hell is the first instance of a comedy duo

appearing in front of a red curtain and sort of talking to the audience, saying what happened in the episode before it actually happened. Well, this presumably goes all the way back to, like, Music Hall and Variety Theatre, never mind telly. Oh, good point.

Yeah, standing in front of a red curtain saying what's about to happen is what you do when things, scenery is being shifted behind the curtain, isn't it? Yeah, exactly. Time-filling. Yeah. If you take it outside of theatrical tradition from whence it obviously came, though, and say who were the first double act to do it on television oh well it probably would

be someone like morcombe and wise it was probably someone before them who's less remembered because maybe the tv footage has been destroyed or well arthur rusky kind of thing yeah but he's not double act is he no or if it was black and white footage so you couldn't tell what color the curtain was i don't think this is particularly a trend for double acts i I mean, double acts tend to be used in that kind of way, but this is just a trend for any master of ceremony. So I'd say, for example, Steve Allen, when he hosted The Tonight Show, he did that first, didn't he? The comic monologue, standing in front of a curtain.

That's what Johnny Carson did at the beginning of every Tonight Show. That's what Letterman does now, basically. That's probably what Albert and Costello used to do. Fuck loads of people did that. I know it's fictional, but it is set in, what, the 20s? At the beginning of The Artist, he's standing in front of a big curtain, him and his dog. Yeah.

The other place, of course, that you see a Master of Ceremony standing in front of a red curtain is The Muppet Show. Yeah. Which I was such a massive fan of when I was a child that I tried to recreate it in one of my Ollyman Spectaculars that I put on in the sitting room. It was a bit like you were the little puppet in the new Muppet film that is such a huge fan of the Muppets that he goes to muppet theater and kind of revives it

yeah that's right that was based on me yeah uh i was so in love with that aesthetic the spotlight on the curtain yeah i didn't really understand that it was a spotlight being projected from you know the box or the back of the theater right i just love the look of kermit illuminating yeah that when i sort of rigged up the theater ie. my front room taking the sofa and disassembling it, I took a curtain that I had and I put a massive large spotlight right behind it. I'm sensing fire. To create the impression of a spotlight. And it was there for about three hours whilst I was setting everything up.

And I was like making a programme for my mum, you know, written and directed by all of them. Why did you leave the light on during these things? Because I was the star and I could do what I wanted. Very wasteful. And then when invented invited my mum in to see this terrible show which i actually hadn't written was going to perform for her that's not the point though the writing yeah she absolutely freaked out because she was like you could have just set fire to the whole house what are you doing and then didn't want to see the

show she said not only was this very dangerous you're also backlit and that is very intimidating well talking about children in the spotlight this is from daniel from liverpool uh who says helen answer me this how do the judges for child beauty pageants get chosen and is there a crb check or something of the like uh no of course there is no no yes there is no no they're at least casually asked the question are you a pedophile it's advised that the judges are over 18 and do not have a criminal record, so that only means the most successful paedophiles make it through.

But judges are chosen often just because they are important in their field of something related to the pageant, so say fashion or performance, or they were a former pageant child themselves, or they're just the mum of like one of the pageanteers so i was reading articles by people who've been chosen to be judges and they were like there is no check no qualification there is like a a seminar that you can pay to go to for a weekend and then you're a certificated pageant judge and you can be on a list whereby pageants

can choose you to be a judge but still you could fuck kids in your spare time but the thing is if you're the head of a local ballet school or whatever fashion college or child makeup company exactly you've had a crb check probably to get to that position of authority anyway well most child beauty pageants i'd say are in the usa yes and i don't know whether they have crb checks i don't know what they would be called i don't know what their laws are i think the truth is probably depends on the scale, doesn't it? When it's statewide or certainly nationwide I'm sure they think about this kind of thing very carefully indeed. I think individual states have their own

sort of regulations and certification but even then they can choose people that they just want to get into the pageant. Especially they often have sponsors of the pageant as judges and they could be anyone. How do you also explain your skills at being a prospective judge for a child beauty pageant without sounding a bit like a paedophile you know i'm expert at assessing the six-year-old's curve i look at kids all the time

exactly i think it would be wrong of us to say that this wasn't a marginal issue but i still think it is even in the weird world of child beauty pageant is probably quite a marginal issue if you actually are interested in attending a child beauty pageant, which admittedly is a weird thing, because you're actually aroused by looking at children, just go and get a ticket. I mean, you wouldn't put yourself in the position of actually being the judge. Yeah, that's a good point.

I mean, because you're drawing attention to yourself. More likely to sit in the back row, aren't you? Well, unless that's a big power trip. I guess, but I mean, it's a power trip in front of all those other people. I think it's a bit risky. Maybe it's best to be one of the backstage helpers. Yeah, exactly. Because those are volunteers, and I don't know whether they can afford to check them i mean this

question is kind of like asking if you're a judge at a dog show do you have to prove that you have no bestiality convictions in your past exactly and the truth is probably one in a hundred does Down and lonely, life is so confusing. I need some answers, preferably amusing. Now I find a podcast that will suit. I listen to Helen and Ollie on my half-hour commute. Right, time for a question now from Delilah in Nairobi, Kenya. A few days ago, we took our class of 2012 graduation photo. Getting the graduation cap, I realised what an odd shape the cap was.

That's right. So Helen, answer me this. Why do graduation caps make your head look like an egg with a square cardboard piece attached at the top? I'd never thought of it before, but her description has now withered my mental image of myself looking very smart indeed in my mortarboard. I think it partly is so that although you've got this photo

that your parents can keep on their mantelpiece and feel proud about for the rest of time, all of your contemporaries and friends when they come to their house could go they won't they won't people have a certain amount of license when it comes to academic dress and not being laughed at i don't know i always laugh at my friends academic faces i think they're brilliant well if they're wearing like a turquoise satin cape with a furry trim yeah i think it's good training actually for how academics are perceived generally in society. Well, you know, you're doing something where a lot of people aren't going to see the worth in what you do.

They're going to be like, go and get a proper job. Go and get a proper hat. If you can withstand looking like an idiot and still think, yes, I'm happy with this, I'm buying into this institution, I think that's probably quite a good training for the kind of steadfast. I've been academic for a number of years and I've never had the amount of abuse that I've just been subjected to on this podcast, Ollyman. The mortarboard and gown is a trope that has been popularised so much in culture

and even the most vapid of American teen series will have a scene where everyone chucks it in. Yeah, exactly, that's totally different. Yeah, but people have desensitised the fact that this hat is absurd and it's taken Delilah here to look upon it with fresh eyes and think this is ridiculous. It's Denver's new hat, isn't it? The university that we went to

listeners, you had to have a mortarboard as soon as you arrived. It wasn't just for graduation. You had to own one. So that you could matriculate. But you were not allowed to put it on your head at any point until you graduated. So you had to take it to all of your exams just holding it. I used to use it to all of your exams, just holding it.

I used to use it to carry my pens in. See, now I think the reason there's a tassel on the hat is so that it's tactile in your hands and then you play with the little tassel so you don't even want to put it on your head until you graduate. Because it's fun to touch. It's not a stress ball. No, well, I used it like that. Yeah, but I don't think the hat designers were really thinking of fun and practicality

because both of those things are completely negated by everything else in the hat and no the tassel evolved out of a little knobble that was on top of the hat i'm guessing helen that you've been on the internet and you're going to tell me what the hat designers were thinking so complicated they devolve out of religious hats originally that's what universities were wasn't you go there to be a priest or a doctor don't you or it was monks doing the teaching and so to wear such a ludicrous headgear was actually a kind of honour. So it did confer

this important status and a lot of them were based around a skull cap with ornamentation and there's one theory that the skull cap had like a little square on it that used to be a knob

and then got bigger and then got bigger and bigger and bigger until the square was much bigger than the skull cap. Did you, when you were walking around in your actual gown

at university, did you get stopped by any tourists and asked to post for a photo no i bloody didn't either and i can't because i'm ugly so american tourists if you go to oxford or cambridge this summer please just ask an ugly student to pose with their mortarboard they'll be so grateful they will remember that moment forever here's another clothes question from leo in california who says ollie answer me this is it true that chino trousers have that name because they're all manufactured at the jail in the city of chino in california

no oh i mean i can see tidy sounding i can see why is the city named after the trousers because all the prisoners have to wear chinos well that's an interesting concept is it because the french for chinese is chinois and chinos are very popular in china you're not too far off oh damn it all the way it's still far enough to be called to be called wrong we always like to keep a respectful distance from fact it is related to the chinese they're called chino because they were made in china okay then almost everything that we use in this country could be called that. That's right. But these were made in China

at the turn of the 20th century, so at a time when Americans weren't sourcing many of their products from China. But the reason that these trousers were being made in China is because they were being made for American troops in the Philippines during the Spanish-American War. So it's a little bit of an incorrect term to

use is it well because it's kind of racist yeah no i don't think it was really i think it's just that i suspect even possibly that is what the filipinos called the chinese was chino so it's not like they're just chino trousers because they're from china they're chinese trousers i'm sure that say the japanese and the chinese called each other some pretty unpleasant names around the same time doesn't mean we should still be using those names. No, no, but like, okay, you've got a Samsung TV there. If I called that a Korean television, that's like if in 100 years' time all TVs are called Korean.

It's not actually offensive. I mean, that's how they said Chinese trousers. Very well. So Tina's like a what? Like a boring light cotton trouser with not a very flattering cut as well? Yeah, but they're not boring now. They're quite jazzy colours this season.

Yeah, Olly Mann's got some purple ones I've got some maroon ones Which actually, I mean, I think they're fine But I wouldn't have particularly chosen maroon It's just when you're a 40-inch waist Can't be too selective They only make that colour in that size That's because it's for old women

What? Hello I'm the monk out of 90s band Enigma Helen, answer me this. Why, ah, hi, oh, aye, aye, ah, oh, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, oh, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, why, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye,

aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, what was that all about? Here's a question from Matt in Shepherd's Bush who says, Ollie, answer me this. Should the West End production of Singing in the Rain be banned in the drought? Why? Because of the hosepipe ban. Oh, okay.

So, yeah. You know the finale of Singing in the Rain as it is in the West End now? Oh, I've not seen it. Well, they dance in the rain at the end right so with actual rain so they get through like a tank full of water i guess on the stage it's probably just the theater's got a leak well some of those old theaters do yeah exactly is singing in the rain one of those films where they use milk in the shooting of it to make it appear more prominently on camera i know they're in Russia when they did something like that.

Well then it'd be called I'm singing in the milk. No it wouldn't Helen because I'm stinking of the milk. I don't think it would Helen because it was a special effect. You see they wouldn't

want to draw attention to that fact. Yeah Star Wars isn't called Models in Space. What? Or Models Not in Space. Yeah we've seen the Death Star it was rubbish.

No it is water. Is it actually water? Yeah because people in the front row get a bit wet. All the electricals. Yeah, they do. All the slipping. Anyway, I've been on a very fascinating website called hosepipeban.org.uk,

which will give you all the information you need about the hosepipe bans in your area. And it does seem that one can apply for exemptions. Right, yes. And also, actually, businesses are particularly good at getting exemptions because you're allowed to hose dog shit off your forecourt, whereas if you're just someone with a garden, you're not. You're allowed to use a hosepipe if you're using grey water.

So maybe, maybe the theatre in Singing in the Rain is using the water from the washing machine and squirting it all over people. It probably is a closed circuit of water. I reckon it is. Really? No, it's going to be rid circuit of water. I reckon it is. Really? No, it's going to be riddled with disease. You think it's going to be coming from the tap every night?

I think it's got to be fresh, because if you had the water sluicing down through the stage and over the people and then washing off all that lug, they couldn't reuse that, could they? I guess. They're allowed to use water to their heart's content if they have a private borehole. Do you think that's probable for a West End theatre? Seems unlikely seems unlikely but i think the thing is if you can get exemption for businesses

if your business is actually called singing in the rain the show is called singing in the rain it's marketing is it the big gimmick is that there's rain in the show look they they just gave thames water 10 free tickets to a matinee yeah and they were fine yeah i reckon and it wouldn't be paying much respect to the original film on which the musical is based if they had to rename it Singing in the Standpipe. Or Singing in the Sun. That'd be quite a nice... Yeah, that'd be a nice little twist on it, wouldn't it?

It's a beautiful day, I'm still happy. But I'm sweating a bit because I'm dancing. I wear my T-shirt. Still don't think it would pull the crowds. It's just my guess. Not like Singing in the Milk. That's a dead set here. Anyway, something that definitely will be pulling the crowds in as just my guess not like singing in the milk that's a dead set here anyway something that definitely will be pulling the crowds in as much as this episode has anyway

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