Answer Me This! - AMT228: Bryan Adams, Bizarre B&Bs and Angela Lansbury

Episode Date: August 16, 2012

Bryan Adams, Bizarre B&Bs and Angela Lansbury Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Terms and conditions apply. Visit bmo.com slash viporter to learn more. Why are NASA exploring Bruno Mars? How much cash can I get for this priceless bing vase? F my life. Helen and Ollie. Has to be this. As we warned you last week, listeners, we are off on holiday at the end of this podcast.

That's right, we're away for a month, so really savour every moment of this like Charlie and his Wonka bar. Without further ado, let's tackle some questions. Here's one from Chris from Kettering who says, Not too long ago, I acquired a fake but very realistic Rolex watch. Is he trying to sell it to us? Is this one of those spam emails? Is he offering us a diploma as well?

See Dakota fanning naked. I don't want to. She's still a child. Unfortunately, says Chris, the dial to change the time has jammed. Oh, not what you'd expect from a quality fake watch, is it? I would like to get it fixed, but I'm almost certain that if I go to a watch shop, they'll realise it's a fraud and expel me from the shop. Because that's what they do

rather than taking the watch fixing job, which is only getting rarer these days as more people are using mobile phones to tell the time. Yeah, that's right, because the guy in Timpsons is really going to give a shit, Chris. My God, this is not a real Rolex. Alan, call the police. He's going to be talking to you very calmly

and then just reach under the desk and hit the panic button and that'll be it, choky for five years. It's not like you're going into the Rolex shop saying, fix this, my good man. Ollie, answer me this. Shall I bite the bullet and try to get it fixed or just add three hours and 42 minutes to the time whenever I look at my time-telling device?

It's absolutely fine. It's not illegal to bring a fake watch to a jeweller. That's not a crime. And if you are really worried, you can concoct, for your own happiness, some complicated backstory where you thought your granddad really had given you a real Rolex for your birthday. People generally don't care, apart from the trademark owner, the person whose copyright is being infringed. And so when you see these news stories, like, you know, when the police seize a whole load of illegal watches in felix stowe or whatever and they issue a statement saying we have prevented the unsuspecting public from buying these fraudulent watches and you're thinking you have not prevented anyone because

everyone knows that if you buy a watch for a tenner in chapel market and it says ferrari on it it's probably not made by ferrari you're not thinking what a great deal i've got on this they're selling this for 500 quid in Barclay Square. A Louis Vuitton bag for a tenner. This market stallholder is a real fool. Or Ralph Lauren when the logo's too big. Why do they always do that? Why do they always fake Ralph Lauren stuff?

It's always got a massive horse playing polo guy. There's like two inches too tall. And everyone knows the logo's a tiny little insignia on the real thing. Maybe the people making the fakes have only got Google Images to go on. Here's a question from Matt from Yorkshire who says, I just watched an interview with Brian Adams in which he claimed, the song

Summer of 69 doesn't actually refer to a splendid summer in the year of 1969, but instead refers to the sexual position of the same name. Wow. He would have only been nine years old in the summer of 69 as he was born in November of 1959. Oh no, you're ruining everything for me now.

And not many nine-year-olds go on to pen tales of their epic adventures. So Ollie answered me this. Were you aware of the hidden filth in this pop rock ditty? No. Most pop rock ditties, though, have hidden filth and it's just best not to go looking for it a lot of the time because it spores your enjoyment and it means you can't listen to the song when it comes on the radio when you're

in the same room as your grandmother yeah well we're in a different generation now aren't we when flow rider can have a top five song that is basically just put your cock in my mouth that is you know not discreet yeah um blue and all rise yeah well no all right seems like a golden age of subtlety now um but no that genuinely had genuinely never, ever occurred to me. I thought it was genuinely an innocent song about the glory days of 1969 where his school friends all got together and formed a band. Yeah, they did stuff in the Five and Dime store that I'm sure wasn't very sexual. Also, I assumed that it was sort of a methodological choice to go for Summer of 69.

Like maybe him going for the summer of 76 just had the wrong connotations yes i would say it's almost more akin to a kind of barry levinson era 1950s america that he's painting there rather than 1960 like actually it sounds like what i've seen in films as kind of 1962 yeah there was a lot of social unrest in summer of 69 by 69 it's all kind of free love and all that had happened and things were changing, women's rights. That's what people talk about. It's Brian Adams not talking about women's rights. Well. And like all the demonstrations at Berkeley and stuff.

I suppose what I'm saying, I know people had small suburban town childhoods in 1969. But he's from Canada, isn't he? Yeah, he is from Canada. But again, I don't think it's really set in Canada, that song. It is, like Helen says, a slightly mythological.

It seems to me like a small town suburban 1950s America that he's actually singing about yeah like in my girl or something exactly yeah where where obviously macaulay culkin and manna chomsky are always chomping on each other's bits brian adams has much more peculiar lyrics than this the other day brain radio supplied me with there will never be another tonight with minor hits yeah well you basically introduced me to this and i in return introduced you when we were trying to do some work and instead browsing spotify to it's only love his

duet with tina turner that was quite good yeah yeah whereas your one just sounded to me a lot like everything louder than everything else by meatloaf but it does have the lyric you're going to ride your broom right into my room maybe he's fucking grotbags helen it's perfectly reasonable now whilst we're talking about strange lyrics, here's a question from Mark from St Neots who says, here's a question about R. Kelly's chart-topping hit from 2003,

Ignition. It only took me nine years to come up with the question. Halfway through, he says, the lyrics are, now it's like murder she wrote, once I get you out them clothes and that's my little rendition for you yeah it was good rendition thank you helen answer me this in what way is this like murder she wrote uh does does r kelly have an angela lansbury fantasy well

if he does he's uh got the same fantasy as ollie mann presumably yeah mine was very specifically bed knobs and broomsticks here angela lans, and I wanted her to dominate me as a child. It's very different to Murder, She Wrote. I've got a Manchurian candidate era Angela Lansbury. Also, I do quite like her as the teapot in Beauty and the Beast. I'd like to stick my dick in her spout. Oh, Mark continues. Is R. Kelly planning on murdering the girl?

I was thinking about it. That he's going to toot with, and then giving himself away with one simple but crucial mistake? Should have planned the murder when Angela Lansbury was not in town. And could he have picked a programme with any less sex appeal? Yeah, I think Diagnosis Murder has less. Yeah, I think so. Quincy.

Maybe R. Kelly means to convey that his sexual experience will be like a cosy post-lunch mystery drama. No, I don't think so. I think what he's saying is this magnificent fucking you're about to enjoy at my... At my penis. At my penis. It's going to be so smooth, it'll be a mystery how good I am. How I've achieved this incredible, potent, enduring lovemaking.

Jesus, that's a bleak. He says, it's like murder she wrote, once I get you out them clothes. He's saying it's like a mystery how I do it because I'm so proficient. No, but the mystery is presumably before you get them out the clothes. The mystery is what's under the clothes. I think my interpretation still stands. I think it's a generous... He's saying there's technique.

I think it's a generous interpretation, Ollie. I feel like he could have conveyed that notion using slightly more appropriate imagery it's like when we went to a wedding and one of the readings was it was from one of the gospels and it was like there were 10 virgins

waiting for the husband to come and five of them had lamps well stocked with oil the other five didn't bring any spare oil so their lamps went out and when the husband came they didn't get to go into the bedroom with him and the moral is

always be ready for Jesus. Wow. And I thought, the lesson that you should always be ready for Jesus should probably be conveyed with something other than gangbangs. Just a thought. And after the lamps, there was the lamp-like party. My favourite line of Ignition, whilst we're talking about it. I think I know what it is. Is it, we've got food everywhere, as if the party was catered,

but really my shopping bag just broke, all those other floors. As if the very suggestion of an after-show party for a performer of the calibre of R. Kelly being catered is so outrageous. It's just, it sounds really low middle class. It's the kind of thing that they would have in an Iceland advert, wouldn't they,

when whoever's doing it now, one of the Nolans, passes around the vol-a-vons And they go wow you must have got in the admirable Crichton or one of those other poscators To do this and it's like no 12 for a pound Iceland He's pointing out something that you would expect To see in a green room Of an R&B chart topping superstar

You've got so much highland spring They must be 6 for 5 It's just like yeah of course i went to costco before the show guess what r kelly you know you're signed with sony or whatever there's someone whose job that is i've got twiglets to my left chris was to my right so many spectators it's as if the concert was ticketed yes yes that's what's happening. So, Retrospectives, what historical events are we ticking off on this week's run of Today in History?

On Monday, we bring you the real story of the mutiny on the bounty. On Tuesday, the anniversary of the day somebody invented the meatball, but who? On Wednesday, the iconic British car that ripped off an iconic American car. On Thursday, how American airlines invented air miles. And on Friday, the UFO sighting that gripped colonial America. We discuss this and more on Today in History with The Retrospectives. Ten minutes each weekday, wherever you get your podcasts. Here's a question from Ellen who says,

recently on my holiday to the Lake District, I was thrilled, she says, by the Pencil Museum. It's a thrilling place. I was then very excited. She continues to look out the window of our holiday home and see the cars of the stars motor museum right across the street well you would be excited because it suggests that your holiday home has a very central location in keswick by the way if you don't know what she's on about listeners answer me this podcast.com slash britain there's a series of five stupid videos we were actually paid to make there anyway if you look

at the film one that is when we go to the Cars of the Stars museum and see the Cars of the Stars. Anyway, she continues, much to my disappointment, I discovered that the museum was closed. Aww. And I would never see the Mr. T jigsaw I was looking forward to. Yes, that's right, because they have the A

team's van and they've got a photo of Mr. T in the driver's seat. And then when you get closer, you discover that it is an A3 sized jigsaw that has been glued together and propped up. I think they should make no apology for that. If they've spent a lot of hard earned money buying vehicles that were in Scooby-Doo and Herbie, it's reasonable that they can't also afford a waxwork. Or a poster.

Would a poster be better than a jigsaw? I mean, the jigsaw's just kind of enjoyably nuts, isn't it? Anyway, so Helen, answer me this. What have you been looking forward to or been excited about that has disappointed you? I got myself a bit too keyed up

about the National Yo-Yo Museum in Chico, California. Oh, thank God you said that. I thought you were going to say our marriage. She wasn't even excited about that for that to merit as a disappointment martin because martin and i were on a road trip and this was one of our last stopping points and i was like yo-yo museum yo-yo museum this is gonna be brilliant yeah and uh it's not really a museum it's a few racks of yo-yos in the back of a one-room department store in chico california they've got quite a good selection.

There's not much learning to do there, though. I think there should actually be some legislation, some internationally UNESCO-recognised legislation on the use of the word museum. What's a display? What's a museum? Exactly. If you've got a collection of marionettes from the 18th century and they're at the back of a store where you're trying to sell toys, that's great, and it's a collection.

It ain't a museum. Sorry example though the nutcracker museum in leavenworth washington state that is both an amazing museum of nutcrackers and has amazing shop of nutcrackers beneath which is pretty much as good as the museum i mean it's extraneous because how many nutcrackers does one man need well a man needs one the museum needs 5 000 but the needs of a museum and a man are very different well if all of your disappointments are just tourist-based, that's not so bad either. Yeah, exactly. Adulthood, not a disappointment. I thought melancholy

and the infinite sadness was a disappointment. I've been harbouring this disappointment for nearly 20 years. Yeah, that was a real letdown after Simon's dream. But in recent memory, Prometheus should have been brilliant. Yeah, but you see, I knew that was going to be Pony.

Well, I hope disappointment does not await our next questioner, Ollie from Cheshire, because he says, a couple of years ago, I made a bet with my friend of £2,000. Blimey. That I couldn't stay with my girlfriend for a year whilst holding on to my virginity. It's like a reverse American pie, isn't it? Yeah.

Actually trying to withhold sex for the approval of his friends. And the £2,000. I suppose actually a real reverse American pie would be a slice of pie giving Jason Biggs a facial. But you know what I mean. I bet he and his wife will do that because they seem desperate for attention at the moment, don't they? Yeah, tell me about it.

Knock it off, guys. Anyway, Ollie says, I won the bet. Yay! Congratulations in a way, virgin. Yeah. And with the money, my girlfriend and I have rented a villa in Turkey with a private pool and tennis court. My beautiful girlfriend

knew about this bet and wants to have our magical moment in the swimming pool. Nice. The problem is I'm allergic to chlorine. I would love to pop my cherry with her in the pool, but Ollie, answer me this. Do I do it in the pool and then live to have an itchy spotty

crotch for the next few days which means no more sex or do i resist and do it somewhere else i'd question whether the pool is a little adventurous for your first time out the blocks anyway ollie yeah save that for once it needs spicing up yeah i mean it is complicated and it's harder to grip you might drown you probably won't drown but might. The temperature is likely to make you seem less well-endowed as well. Even in Turkey? And then there's the other issue of if you are planning on ejaculating in a swimming pool that other people are going to have to swim in,

that's revolting. I don't think I could do that in all good conscience. He's going to ejaculate into a vagina that other people won't have to swim in, surely. Good Lord. What is the problem? Just say to her, look, I'd love to, to that sounds very romantic but i'm allergic to chlorine which is very unromantic uh let's do it in the bath if you're insisting upon a wet context for this to

happen yeah but then don't because that can often remove the lady's natural moisture which on your first time will be useful well this is it this is the thing i think it's better just to just to play it by the rule book first and then experiment otherwise on a ladder i worry you've put too much pressure on yourself actually with this whole scenario planning your virginity loss for over a year that's nuts i mean by all means you know discuss roughly the time that it might be right but i mean bloody hell adding the pressure of a financial transaction a booked holiday to turkey and chlorine allergy to the pot of uh complicated things that have to happen around that scenario what if you get there and you're just not in the

mood exactly or you get there and it's your first time it could well not be very good yeah what if you can't get it up ollie don't go on the holiday ask your friend for another two grand just to avoid all the problems that we're outlining or maybe there's some kind of antidote that you could smear all over your ball sack, which would stop you getting chlorine infection. There probably is, isn't there? There's probably an antidote. Well, even maybe Vaseline would be barrel protection enough for them. Maybe his girlfriend would be terrified if he turned up covered in Vaseline.

She's like, I'm not ready for this. Why would your girlfriend even find the smell of chlorine a turn on? Well, that's the other thing. You're not really in a position to say whether it's a sexual fantasy you want to fulfil until you're there and you've seen every precise element

of the fantasy in reality. Yeah. Because saying swimming pool is not the same as being in a pool that might have, for example, the corpses of dead ants

littered around it or smell a bit odd. Children would have pissed in that pool before. Exactly. We're ruining this for him. What's your favourite question from our first three years that's really made you this for him. entertain you because for 79 pence each you can buy our first three years episodes or just the good ones who could blame you go to answer me this podcast.com slash classic or itunes and if you don't you'll get a visit in the night from our band of hired goons hired goons whack whack whack

to what they say if you value your knees it's uh always lovely listeners when you give us a call absolutely and if you want to give us one of your lovely, listeners, when you give us a call. Absolutely. And if you want to give us one of your lovely calls, then all you have to do is call this number. 0208 123 58 007 Or you can Skype answer me this. Let's see who's on the line today. Hello, it's Beth and Rhys from Devon.

We were watching The Matrix last night and then there's this bit where the main character kind of his heart stops and then the girl kisses him and he comes back to life and stuff and me and my brother said that the girl was kissing a corpse and my mum said that it wasn't a corpse Helen and Ollie asked me this when does a dead body become a corpse because I think it's just when I'm dead. But my mum says it's when I start to smell and go watching Green. Now, I could see if you're watching The Matrix

how you might confuse Keanu Reeves for a corpse because his acting is not exactly engrossing. But I don't recall this moment, I'm afraid. I've forgotten everything about The Matrix. But have you? Or are you living in a parallel world controlled by the machines? Oh, I hope so.

I'd love to be controlled by the machines, because then I can blame them for my career and not myself. If the machines could make me forget having seen the Matrix sequels, I'd definitely take that pill. Plus one. It's the scene towards the end of the film, and there's been a very exciting chase across the city. He gets to the room where

the phone is. The door opens, and you just see a shot of a gun, and it's Agent Smith. Agent Smith shoots him. The walkaway thing is dead. And then she tips up and kisses shot of a gun and it's Agent Smith. Agent Smith shoots him. The walk away thing is dead. And then she tips up and kisses him. Fine, so it's actually very complicated because in any case there's the issue about is he really a corpse because his brain's plugged in somewhere else? How does it all work?

I think it's his physical body that she interacts with on the submarine. Exactly, yeah. So it's kind of a parallel dimension getting involved already complicating the issue. Well, I suppose it's like the prince in Snow White. Is he a necrophile giving this apparently dead woman a kiss and knocking the poisoned apple out of her mouth?

Yes. In any case, in general terms when you're neither in a fairy tale nor snogging a dead Keanu Reeves. Yeah. Well, a corpse is a corpse, I think when the body is dead, even before it started to putress. Yes, I think the moment the heart stops, it's no longer a living creature, therefore it's a corpse.

No, because your heart can stop for a certain amount of time and so you're kind of technically dead, but then when you come back to life, I think that undoes the fact that you were technically dead but you were suffering from cardiac arrest. I suppose at that point in a hospital, they're not going to say, quick, bring the corpse over here,

because it would be insensitive. Yes, yes. So much about tact, isn't it? But nonetheless, if they don don't come back to life i think you'd still say that at that three second pause after their heart stopped they were a corpse there's like a three second rule like when you drop food on the floor yeah i think if they become a corpse in the long term then they always were a corpse from the moment the heart stops so the definition is actually yeah exactly well here's another question of death from amy York who says Ollie answer me this, whose grave is the most visited grave in the world

Mohammed good point I mean it's part of the Mecca so millions of people do that but I think the spirit of this question is probably like which celebrity is it is it Elvis Presley or is it Jim Morrison and the answer to that is Elvis Presley

because 400,000 people go through Graceland. Well, what about Lennon? Yeah, well, I was just going to say, but then there's Lennon, which, again, it's harder to get figures for, I guess. Well, he doesn't even have a grave, because he's out on a table. Yes, yeah. Presumably we can use the phrase final resting place to cover cremation, burial, burial at sea.

Burial at sea. Then Osama bin Laden's grave is the most visited, because people fly over the Atlantic Jim Morrison I think Has actually benefited From the fact that He's in the same graveyard As Oscar Wilde

I think they've both Benefited from the fact They have a similar demographic Seeking the mountain So it's two for one there I understand that It's actually quite hard To find Jim Morrison's grave

In the Pierre Lachaise cemetery Yeah well there's this Horrible thing of people Actually desecrating Other people's graves In that graveyard in Paris by putting big arrows saying, to Jim, on it so that you could find Jim's grave in the graveyard. That's really crap. That's horrible.

I mean, why weren't these people perspicacious enough to have arrow-shaped headstones? For God's sake. Selfish even in death. Well, if you're a hippie, it's just not the kind of thing you should be into, is it? Making someone else's memorial a signpost. But then it does slightly depend on how long people are dead, doesn't it? Because, you know, you walk around a graveyard and you do feel a bit less bad about having a picnic on a tomb of someone who died in 1780 and it's covered in moss

than the one which is freshly carved and has photographs on. It doesn't matter to me how that person died either. If it's been 300 years, I don't care. They'd be dead anyway. I don't care if it's a fire, if it's syphilis, if they're a child. Murder. I'm sitting on them And having my Big Mac Whereas if it's in the

No but I am I am We've all done it Sometimes you're sitting astride It's riding it like a stone horsey I would happily film A mock horror parody promo in there Whereas if it's a grave

From the last hundred years And if it's got fresh flowers on it Then even if it's someone Who died at the age of 90 And they killed themselves I still would feel like i was being insensitive what about if they killed themselves in the hope of having you sit on them in death well i think increasingly that will happen in time as well a lot of people will want that there's a mass scaped grave at nunhead cemetery there's about two dozen uh scapes who've died in a boating accident but they'd like

to see the cheeks of ollie man as he eats a snack. Stop it! But they died in 1913. Right, yeah. And you look at their ages and you go, OK, well, most of them probably would have died in the First World War. That's true, isn't it? Now, when you put it in perspective, well, OK, a boating accident doesn't look quite so bad as years of attrition in the trenches.

Yeah, I mean, you could look at the grave of someone in the First World War and say, oh, yeah, he probably would have died in the Second World War. That's not really the point, is it? They would have died eventually. Where do you go to find all the answer that you are looking for i will tell you the secret very good very good where do you go to find the answer answer me this podcast.com where do you go to find the answer answer me this podcast.com you will find your answer here answer me this podcast.com A question of rings now from Alice in Liverpool who says, Helen, answer me this.

Why is the wedding ring worn on the left hand? I thought it might be because the majority of people are right-handed and it wouldn't get in their way on their left hand. It's a very practical consideration. But being left-handed and it wouldn't get in their way on their left hand it's a very practical consideration but being left-handed was the sign of the devil so it seems odd to seal the deal with this hand so helen answer me this why do people wear their wedding rings on their left hands well not all cultures do some of them choose the right hand oh do they yeah but it's because it's a roman tradition and they thought that there was a vein leading from the ring finger directly to the

heart so it was the most romantic vein i don't know how they knew this because they weren't allowed to dissect human bodies at the time so it's just purely speculative wow and there isn't one oh apparently there are also some cultures in which that finger of the left hand is a magic finger okay i'm not sure i actually was aware of this by the way until we had this question you're not interested in marriage but it's no it's not that it's that i'm not sure I actually was aware of this, by the way, until we had this question. You're not interested in marriage. No, it's not that. It's that I'm not interested in jewellery. It is mostly women. Sometimes it's men. But whenever someone shows me their ring and says, what do you think of my wedding ring?

I always say, oh, wow, lovely. No interest, really. Absolutely no interest. I don't either, and I'm a girl. Yeah, it's just like, it's fine, isn't it? But it's just, I don't know. Well, it's a bit like me showing you the caps on my teeth or something. You would do that. I mean, it's fine. It's just a thing. But look at these. Aren't they incredible? Cost me a grand, these beauties.

Hi, I'm Peter from London. Hello, Ollie. Answer me this. My friend is considering buying some Olympic memorabilia, and we were wondering which memorabilia item is most British. Is it a mug, a tea towel, or just a plain old T-shirt? I reckon the most British would be a tea cosy. Do you think they've done one of them in the shape of the velodrome or something um i went to the official store on the olympic park site and i couldn't honestly say that much of it seemed very british like one of the most

popular things you can buy are the pins which is such an american thing it's like something they've lifted out of disney world even calling it a pin rather than a badge exactly you know the most valuable merchandise from the olymp Olympics is the stuff that's now on their auction site. You can actually get... Like relay buttons and... Yeah, stuff that was actually used by sports people

and is autographed. Bradley Wiggins' signed Olympic torch went for £13,000. Bloody hell. Yeah. Bearing in mind no one had heard of him two weeks ago.

That's amazing, isn't it? He has had a pretty busy fortnight to be fair to him. The trouble, I think, with collectible memorabilia now is that there's too much of it busy fortnight to be fair to him. The trouble, I think, with the collectible memorabilia now is that there's too much of it produced for it to be likely to be valuable 50 years hence. Yeah, well, I was noticing in the Olympic Park

they had stuff that actually had written on it venue collection, which meant that it was only available at the venues. Because all the rest of it you can buy in Primark and TK Maxx and stuff. Weird. So you have to look for the stuff that's exclusive to the venues if you want it to be slightly more limited edition.

In 50 years' time, people are going to be looking at those weird Wenlock penis creatures and just going, what the fuck did... They're so weird, aren't they? What was Grandma thinking? You know, they really tried to make Wenlock and Mandeville, I believe they were called, catch on. Like, posing with Usain Bolt and Mo Farah.

Like, that should have ensured sales, shouldn't it? But still, you're looking at it thinking, yeah, why is there an enlarged, gross grey penis standing behind Usain Bolt? Kids love it. With a big kind of Illuminati eye sticking out of the balance. But the idea with Wenlock and Mandeville was that kids were supposed to be excited by them as characters.

I'm sorry to return to a rant from last year, but like the Eminem characters, they're not characters, are they? They don't have any character traits. They're just weird looking. What's Wenlock like? If you went for a drink with Wenlock, what would he be like? What would he say?

Couldn't speak because he's only got one eye and no other features. Why are they based on the Cyclops anyway? That's Greek. Well, then that's presumably because it's a reference to the ancient Greek origins of the Olympics, which actually maybe makes them a bit clever.

But again, not of interest to a three-year-old, is it? But needless to say, we should remind you that the ultimate London 2012 merchandise, although not really because it three-year-old, is it? But needless to say, we should remind you that the ultimate London 2012 merchandise, although not really because it's not an official product, people, is the Answer Me This Sports Day album. Thank you to everyone who's bought it so far. It's an hour of us talking about sport and you'll enjoy it.

You will enjoy it. Olly Mann is going to come after you. He's going to come and beat you to death with a Wenlock creature. Well, here's a question about a very different sort of game. It's from Gary from sussex who says ollie answer me this is skill at jenga indicative of being a sensitive lover maybe because i am terrible at jenga and you don't withdraw sensitively either do you but i'm terrible at it because i have a benign essential tremor you do in my hand it's not fair that's right and actually shaky fingers can be of use in the bedroom. What, for fingering

a girl? Yes, thank you, Martin, yes. That's what I was going for. But it's good that you clarified. Or wanking yourself off. Well, yeah, numerous uses. Or for fluffing up a squashed pillow. Is there any logical connection? Is it just his personal experience it's going for? It's to do with precision and care,

isn't it? And it's something you have to approach with caution, I suppose he's saying. Really? Yes. But what about passion? No, caution is what women find attractive. Do you think Gary from Sussex has been using Jenga as a substitute for sex during a dry period in his love life?

No, I think what he seems to be suggesting is that he's good at Jenga and that people have told him that he's a sensitive lover. When he's making love to a pile of women, none of them fall down. If you don't even know what a question is, then you're probably at the wrong place. Cos religion's on Godcasts,

dogs are on Dogcasts, fish are on Rodcasts, but we don't do fish, cos on this podcast, you answer me this. And now to conclude this podcast, before our holiday, here's a question of holidays from Fiona, who says, Tonight I'm staying in a very bizarre B&B in Bristol.

It has toads decorating everything throughout the main part of the house. That is quite weird. She means ceramic toads, presumably, rather than toads armed with paint rollers. It's not clear. Every surface, including the ceiling, is green. My room is bright pink. And there is a clown on the duvet cover, which is also in shades of pink. Well, I'm not in a position to criticise then,

because as Helen has pointed out to me, and I had not realised before... Child at home full of clowns. My entire house that I grew up in is apparently full of clowns. You watch Stephen King's It for comfort, don't you? Well, Fiona says, the en suite has a glitter toilet seat. I've got a glitter toilet seat. What's the problem with that?

What are you saying? It's like you're going to the toilet in Kanye West's teeth. This is, without a doubt, the creepiest B&B I've ever stayed in. At least it's got some character and it's not just in kind of magnolia shades, eh? Ollie asked me this. What is the weirdest or creepiest place you've ever had the misfortune of staying

in i stayed in a convent in kenya that's quite cool though yeah yeah but it really wasn't was it was it an active convent yes oh and we got there with the plan of camping in their sort of quad but then all the nuns left their rooms and let us stay in their rooms and so i felt really bad because we turfed nuns out of their rooms so that we could have them and they weren't nice rooms. The knowledge that I'd turfed a nun out of her room for my discomfort made it a pretty weird experience. Nuns aren't supposed to be comfortable.

They're supposed to be above all that. No, well, true. Well, maybe that's why they sacrifice themselves to our tents. Maybe they're like, brilliant, tourists, we can have a comfortable sleep tonight in a tent. Yeah. We stayed in a chocolate-themed B&B last weekend in Bournemouth.

They just decorated things in different shades of brown and gave you free chocolate. Right, so it wasn't like melted all over the duvet, because in the high summer that would be... Did you get free chocolate on your pillow? Yeah, by each side of the bed there was a large chocolate house and on the dressing table there was also a little pot full of chocolate

houses. And the chocolate house was yours to eat? Yep, on the dressing table there was also a little pot full of chocolate houses. And the chocolate house was yours to eat? Yep. And then at reception there was a chocolate fountain but chocolate fountains are disgusting so stay away from that.

Here's a thought. Go on. Hotel Chocolat. Yes. Why have they not done that brand extension? It's in the bloody name. I think actually

the weirdest places I've stayed in is when it's B&B owners who are like we got into this to meet people. That's weird. Like why would you meet people that are leaving at breakfast? I don't think what B&B owners who are like, we got into this to meet people. That's weird. Like, why would you meet people that are leaving at breakfast?

I don't think what B&B owners don't quite appreciate is you don't book a holiday based on what interesting people you can meet that run hotels. Whereas clearly that's why they go into the B&B business, isn't it? A lot of B&Bs have made me yearn for the sterile embrace of a chain motel. Well, listeners, that brings us to the end of this series. But don't cry. No, do cry. No, don't us to the end of this series. But don't cry.

No, do cry. No, don't cry. No, do cry. No, don't cry. It's a big event, Helen. I mean, it's a big event in our lives because it means

we get a month off. Yeah. But in your lives... Crying tears of joy. In your lives, you don't need to take that much time off of us because you can peruse

our albums, you can peruse our old episodes. Yeah, first 120 episodes. And all of that stuff is available on our website AnswerMeThisPodcast.com where you can also find our contact details

so you can send us a question. We will return on the 20th of September barring any unforeseen holiday disasters or holiday amazement where we wanted to extend the holiday and never come back like Shirley Valentine. But there is another date for your diary because on the 27th of August

we are hosting our own radio show on BBC Five Live. One till 4pm. That's right. Proper, like, primetime radio show. Yeah. When you're doing those bank holiday barbecues. Yeah.

What better than listening to this? It's going to be called Helen and Ollie's Required Listening and it's about podcasts and alternative radio, internet radio, stuff like that. If you want to hear more of Ollie as well, that's entirely possible if you are a nocturnal person in the London area or an internet-enabled area.

That's right. I'm going to be doing the overnight shows for a week on LBC 97.3. So from one till four in the morning. Perfect barbecue time. If you're working a crematorium. From the 19th to the 24th of August. And Helen, you've got a thing you want to tell people about as well. Oh yes, yes, please.

I've been put on a panel for the South by Southwest Festival. Put on a panel. You make it sound like something that a judge would decree. What is the correct verb? Invited, I would say. Isn't it empanelised? I've been empanelised for a South by Southwest panel for next spring with the podcasters Jesse Thorne and Roman Mars.

So the way this works is, trendy sort of music and internet festival in Texas, but you can only get on it if people vote and say they want to hear you. Yes, that's right. But anyway, if you wouldn't mind voting for us, it would mean I'd get to go to Texas. Okay, and you'll put the link to that on our website as well. Yes, and Martin,

what are you going to be up to during our break that people might enjoy? You can listen to my podcast. It's a monthly podcast called The Sound of the Ladies where there's a new song every month. Go and download that. I've got a new album coming out shortly, but it's not quite ready, but there'll be some lovely music in the interim.

Oh, well, go and get yourselves all tingling with anticipation for Martin's album whenever he can be asked to release it. So, listeners, we'll be back before you know it on 20th September, and in the meantime, we hope you comport yourselves sensibly and enjoyably. Bye!