Answer Me This! - AMT230: Court Artists, One Direction, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Episode Date: September 27, 2012

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Will the plebs still be angry if I call them proles? Have to be this, have to be this When they've culled all the badgers, will they come for the moles? Have to be this, have to be this Helen and Ollie, have to be this Hello and welcome to episode 230 Oh, didn't know you had a toothache Would have given you a less crunchy dinner

I went there, I went there. I went there. Retro. Boom. Doctor, doctor, I think I need glasses. You certainly do. This is a fish and chip shop. Boom shakalaka.

I think I've come to the wrong place. Is this muscle hearted laugh hour? Now we've come to that point of the answer me this year. And indeed the calendar year. Where we've run out of things to say so we resort to the worst jokes we know. That's right. Where as sure as night follows day, our listeners will start asking questions about Halloween, particularly if they live in the States.

My question about Halloween is, is trick-or-treating not tantamount to blackmail? Typically what people ask is, what costume should I wear? Yeah, if you can't think of a costume, stay in. You don't deserve to go out. you're not interested enough to do halloween yeah we've had a slightly more specific halloween based costume question this year oh really yes it's from patty from north carolina who says uh this halloween i'm thinking of dressing up as dorian gray well okay but i'm torn between being dorian himself as in the sort of one walking around society London Being all pretty

Yeah Or the demonic, maggot-infested painting version of his soul I wish I could be both simultaneously But I can't Yes, you can Yeah, again, lack of imagination, Patty Easy You go as normal Dorian on the front

And then on the back Strap a big picture frame And like put a horrible mask on the back of your head of an ugly face So, Helen, answer me this If you had to choose would you rather be the youthful sexpot version of dorian gray or the mutilated corpse of his soul obviously the latter because otherwise you're just going as a good looking man and where's the fun in that yeah i think what i'd do is i'd be the ugly soul um and then i'd somehow represent the attic around my midriff so you're sort of looking at it upside down and then have a picture of a handsome man sort of round about

my nether regions but I think you have to go as both because if you're not expressing duality then you're not really going as Dorian Gray are you? moreover I'd say if you're not expressing duality

you're not really expressing any character from a Victorian novel yeah you know I'd say don't go as I mean obviously Jekyll and Hyde's

an obvious one don't go as Frankenstein and his monster precisely so or anything from that era because you're not doing it justice don't go as Gladstone without going as Disraeli as well don't go as one of the cities of the two cities Frankenstein and his monster. Precisely so. Or anything from that era, because you're not doing it justice.

Don't go as Gladstone without going as Disraeli as well. Don't go as one of the cities of the two cities without going as the other one. Well, we're talking about Halloween nightmares. Here's a nightmare of a different kind from Marcus from London, who says, Olly, answer me this. How do I get my mum to stop reading the Daily Mail? I think bearing in mind

that the entire combined marketing might of both the Daily Express and the Daily Telegraph have been struggling away to do exactly that and haven't succeeded, I don't think you're going to do much to dent it, Marcus. She obviously likes the mail and your one-man effort is futile. Maybe she's happy with herself being both rather right-wing in her opinions and also very interested in intrusive photographs of celebrities on the beach, not looking their best.

Maybe your mum likes to make herself feel better about her life by reading the columns of liz jones one of the most tragic adult women in our country she is probably like most women just reading it for the female section which is very good well they've got lots of articles about weight loss and fashion that's right and that's all we women are interested in so you could just probably marcus go and interview some real women About their declining sex drive And how to diet And how to pack to go on holiday

And just repackage it for her In an old edition of the mail And say that it's today's mail You don't have to keep buying it If you're worried about giving the company money Yeah, the other option is just to take away All of her small change Well, here's a question from Sam

Who says, I hate school photos Alright Ollie, answer me this Why just to take away all of her small change. Well, here's a question from Sam, who says, I hate school photos. All right. Ollie, answer me this. Why do they take school photos when Sam has expressly said that he hates them? Sam also says, I went for a smouldering look this time. I bet you did, Sam. No wonder you hate your school photos.

You obviously like a dick in all of them. The only one not facing the front, because you're trying to get your best side like Mariah Carey. They take school photos, Sam, because when you're older and you're no longer required to be in a school photo... Beware the power and beauty of your youth. Exactly.

You actually look a lot better than you think you do and simultaneously you look truly horrendous in a comic way. Do they mean the school photo where everyone in school has to stand on a very, very wobbly... What's that thing called the thing with steps like a stage isn't it stage yeah i'll take that yeah do they mean

what what's the alternative or the one where you get your photo taken individually against a very bland background and then you get several different sizes of the same picture in a gray cardboard fake leather look frame the school offered my parents the purchase of all these exquisite headshots of me when i was young my parents very rarely took them off nicks it was about 25 quid to get them and because they didn't want to frighten the neighbors when they came around and my mum said why would i have the photos out i remember what you look like i see you every day yeah but actually she was wrong wasn't she she doesn't remember what i look like i came into her house once she thought i was a burglar no but i think allison with the greatest respect to you and i do like you as a woman i think you're

wrong on this matter because i think the person to see it actually is not the parents at the time but helen now that actually would be quite nice to have a picture of you there is one out now there just wasn't in the 20 years when i was living with my mum but there were lots of pictures of the dogs who were a lot more photogenic um but i do have a picture of my niece isabel who is six that my brother gave me and I can't work out whether he gave it to me because he thought it was funny that she looks like a tiny little businessman whether he actually thought it was cute I suppose that Sam actually doesn't mean the individual portraits I think he means the group shot okay um because if he really hated

having his own picture taken so much he could probably refuse to have an individual portrait done you can't really get out of the school photo can you well you could just hide but what i found objectionable about as well as they lined us up in height order so every year it's just a reminder for us short people that we were the shortest in the school yes absolutely and like you get kids who are sort of 13 sitting with the seven-year-olds at the front it's degrading it's just that's bad for your cred isn't it No one wants to sit cross-legged When they pass puberty But to answer the question head on

Sam I think the reason that they take school photos In a word Posterity isn't it Oh I was thinking you were going to say money spinner Well no there's that for the individual portraits Yeah for trying to shift them off to the parents But I think for the group shot

It is that I know it's hard to imagine Sam A world before Facebook But in such times People wanted something on their wall To remind themselves what they look like and what their friends are like when they were 12 but their face is so small there it's interchangeable each of those years pictures could be interchanged with another year as long as it was from the color era and not the sepia era and the only time you see them now is when someone's done

a murder and that's the only photo they can get hold of and they've ringed them yeah that is true so here's a fun game sam why don't you get your school photo and ring the people you think in 10 years time will be arrested for murder yeah and and perhaps one of them will end up being a celebrity and then they can use the ringed photo in the menu at planet hollywood which is the other place you see that technique being used really oh who's this obviously meg ryan looks like meg ryan there's no game here um well here's a question from sophie from middlesbrough who says helen answer me this uh how do i can't believe she's asking you how do i get to be in a one direction video don't worry sophie i'll put some calls in i am good friends with people nearly half my age uh sophie says it looks like the most fun thing

ever well we just watched their new video. Live While We're Young. Yeah, they're on a camping trip. Camping is not fun, even when it's in the glamping site that they're in. And I say that word with a great deal of disdain. Yeah, I mean, actually, you're right. It's glamping in the sense that there's some kind of yurt, maybe, because it's got like five of them in it. Bell tents.

Yeah, bell ends, more like. Big spacious bell tents. But what it looks like is a sort of Christian youth camp, where there's no alcohol allowed allowed but just out of shot. There's someone who's supposed to be responsible for looking after them, masturbating furiously. For God's sake, they're in a paddling pool with all their clothes on. It's got a very summery vibe, hasn't it?

Whereas actually, they'd have absolutely been freezing their nads up. But it's September that this is coming out. Why go for a summery vibe? Why not go for an autumnal one where they're having to identify different types of fallen leaf and go blackberrying? Why not go for men Not Boys, Helen? Because it sells. That's why.

Because tween sex sells. One Direction are like a Muppet Babies version of the Rolling Stones. But anyway. Yeah. But anyway. How to get into their music video. I know on good authority from my friend Che, who is in the Britney Spears criminal video.

He really is. He genuinely is. Don't worry if you've never seen it. Just watch the first seven seconds. It's his face and Britney's shoulder. That man is doing a PhD. and he's in a Britney video. He got in it really easily because he applied to an extras agency and they sort of categorise you, in his case, posh.

So in the same way, basically, to be in a One Direction video, the look you're looking for is Hollister. Look like Hollister, look 16, and you will get in a One Direction music video if you try hard enough. But when you're there, it's a lot of standing around. and I don't think it's going to be that much fun yeah that's the thing about all filming they're not having a good time they're doing work they're probably not even trawling for lady friends no absolutely I'm they're gonna be doing interviews aren't they and YouTube videos and god knows what in between takes Liam's gonna be getting his hair done for

hours you know you're not gonna have a chance to talk to them you'll probably ask not to talk to them they said it was raining as well when they filmed the video. And so you would have had to stand in a paddling pool wearing a small dress. Yeah, which would be cold. Well, after a few hours, I think the novelty would wear off jumping up and down in the rain. Yes. In a paddling pool with an inflatable hammer.

And where was it? Kent. Kent. Yes. That's not a place you want to stand around in the cold, really, for a long time in wet clothes. I spent 19 years of my life doing just that I've got a question

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at gogolmail.com So retrospectives, what historical events are we ticking off on this week's run of Today in History? On Monday, we bring you the real story

of the mutiny on the bounty. On Tuesday, the anniversary of the day somebody invented the meatball, but who? On Wednesday, we bring you the real story of the mutiny on the bounty. On Tuesday, the anniversary of the day somebody invented the meatball, but who? On Wednesday, the iconic British car that ripped off an iconic American car. On Thursday, how American airlines invented air miles. And on Friday, the UFO sighting that gripped colonial America. We discuss this and more on Today in History with The Retrospectors.

Ten minutes each weekday, wherever you get your podcasts. Here's a question from Ronan, who says, I turned 18 last Friday. Well done, you. Happy birthday. Enjoy voting when that comes around. Which marks the 18th year I've shared a room with my brother, who is now 23.

Oh, boy. That is too long to share a room with. Yeah, that's very old, isn't it? I've had to share a room with Martin for ten years. Yeah, that's harsh. Can we not at least get bunk beds,in in the past few months this has become unbearable just the past few months what was the secret for the previous 17 and a half years i'm a neat freak and he is completely messy and never helps out oh you're the modern day

lemon and matto i like the movies and i like tv um it seems anything he does grates on me a lot. Classic sitcom structure, this. Like how he enjoys farting loudly and laughing about it. Why do you think he does that? If it didn't grate you, he wouldn't bother. Exactly. The comedy lies in the reaction. When I fart by myself in bed, I don't even notice.

If a tree falls in the forest, etc. But when my girlfriend's there, hilarious. Big reaction from the crowd. He goes to bed at eight o'clock, so I never get to use the room. Well, hilarious. Big reaction from the crowd. He goes to bed at eight o'clock so I never get to use the room. Well, you get to use it for sleeping, right? Why would he go to bed at eight o'clock? Maybe he gets up at four because he's a postman.

I was just trying to work the air. That would have to be a really early shift, wouldn't it? Maybe he's just very tired. Maybe he's just got a lot of beans to eat so he cannot fart loudly in front of you for the rest of the day. He does take it out of you. So Helen, answer me this. What steps can be taken to avoid me smothering this fucker in his sleep well you could try and persuade him to move out i think you should both move out yeah but i think when you're 18 you're too old well not anymore because recession means that people are living with their parents when they're 45 yeah well that's it is this the future in 10 years time helen are we

going to be getting emails from people saying i'm 45 and i'm still sharing a room with my brother who's 50? Yeah, it's plausible. The thing is, in the old days when families used to live together like that... You have to share a room with everyone. That's what's missing, the community spirit here. You think you're entitled to your own space, Rodan, whereas actually all you're being asked to do, all you're being asked to sacrifice,

is a little bit of bedroom space with your brother. Rather than drive him away, maybe you should start finding each other's company a joy. Now that you're 18 and he's 23, you're both adults. You can do things that you both enjoy. Whereas when he was 18 and you were 13, there was more of a gap in mutual activities. It sounds like they don't have that much in common

unless he wants to get into some sort of competitive farting competition. It's not very fair. All we know about Ronan's brother is that he's windy. And all we know about Ronan is that he's a neat freak and probably quite difficult to share a room with. Yeah, it sounds like you're at fault, Ronan, if anything. I've got another idea. Persuade your parents to invest in a shed, a large one, that you can sleep in.

Oh, that would get cold this time of year. I know, but a friend of mine spent some of his best teenage years in the shed in the back of the garden. Well, actually, I mean, it's not a bad idea. It's your choice, isn't it, to carry on living there? You can't be complaining the whole time. If the house isn't big enough, you've got to do something to change that. Yeah, if not, just run away and join the Navy.

That's what my dad did. Also, isn't it going to be a bit difficult if they go on the pool? Well, apparently, in 23 years, that hasn't happened. On that subject, here's a question from Sean from Bristol, who says, I am a 23-year-old man. Oh, no, it's not. And he shares with his 18-year-old brother, who's also written into the show, is he?

That would be incredible. Who has just got together with a girl I care about. Oh, well done. And want to be with for a long time Yeah well I'll play it by ear Good idea Don't commit now you're only 23 However due to circumstances beyond my control

I'm also living at home with my parents Loser See? No but a lot of people have to Ollie It's very difficult to get a job My mother doesn't mind my girlfriend staying the night But they do not want her to stay in my bedroom And would rather she stayed in the spare room

While I understand her reasoning i am 23 years old and she did allow my sister to have boyfriend stay over in the same room when she was a younger age than me i like it that that sibling rivalry does it even at 22 but you let clara stay here with her boyfriend when she was 17 it's usually the other way around it's usually the oldest child that doesn't get the liberties and then the youngest child, the rules have relaxed. Absolutely. Bucking the trend. So Ollie, answer me this.

Is my mother being slightly one-sided in this regard? Well, obviously. And how can I persuade her to allow my girlfriend to stay over in my room? I think she knows she's being one-sided in this. If she allowed it in the past and she's not allowing it now, may I put to you humbly, Sean, the suggestion that maybe she wants you to leave to leave or maybe she's bored of you living in this house if she denies you any action she knows that you're likely to move out well this is a new girl as well and firstly we've all been around new couples and that's pretty nauseating and annoying and they hump a lot

yeah you don't want that happening under your roof if you're a parent uh and maybe she thinks only relationships of a certain tenure should be allowed to sleep in the same room. So maybe your sister's boyfriend had paid his dues and then was allowed to share the bed. There's a simpler explanation. She doesn't like your girlfriend. She doesn't like your girlfriend. She liked the boyfriend more.

What happened to that nice Dave? I liked him. Can't you be gay, Sean? He was great. Why does God need both a staff and a rod In the 23rd Psalm? And the founder being Romulus, ain't it odd We don't call the city Ron

My knowledge is too slight So I think I shall write To answer me this podcast at googlemail.com So like One Direction, why don't you go crazy, crazy, crazy and give us a call with your questions, questions, questions on this phone number. 0-2-0-8-1-2-3-5-8-double-7 Or you can Skype Answer Me This,

but we wouldn't recommend calling or Skyping whilst you're jumping up and down in Paddlingpool because it's likely you'll drop your smartphone and they're worth quite a lot of money these days. Hello, this is Mark from Devon. Helen and ollie answer me this i live in a damp part of the country in a damp house i've recently bought a dehumidifier um i looked at it the other day and i've got about a liter and a half two liters of water out in about two days so answer me this is it best for me to use the dehumidifier to get water for my house rather

than paying the water bills and then I can use it in the kettle and all sorts of drinking applications? It does have a silver filter in it to remove the bacteria, or so it says. So is this a healthy way to get water? I like the way he says all sorts of drinking applications. What else is there apart from putting it into the kettle? Oh, you know, drinking it. Pouring it into the arm of the sofa and sucking it out through the fabric.

Mixing up my muscle shakes with it. soda stream cordial soup the kettle probably would be the safest presumably because then at least the bacteria is being slightly knocked out by the heat because although there is a filter in the dehumidifier there's also a lot of uh crap that's going into your dehumidifier there'll be microbes in it there'll probably be some heavy metals from the dehumidifier components going into the water and even if it's perfectly clean um the minerals have been taken out by the distillation process you're not actually getting the oh is that right the virtues of normal water so well you could drink it probably won't taste that great well no because it's been like it's got bits of damp wall and damp carpet in it as well hasn't it which you're going to be tasting a taste of plasterboard

and mink and spores why doesn't he put it in his toilet system, hasn't it? Which you're going to be tasting. A taste of plasterboard and mank. And spores. Why doesn't he put it in his toilet system? Well, exactly. Why don't you? Or you can use it to water your plants as long as they're not edible plants. I like both of those suggestions, actually. Yes, that's a very practical solution.

Yeah. Well, here's another watery question from Joe from Essex. What are the chances? Who says, Ollie, answer me this. When you take a piss on a cruise ship... I've never been on a cruise ship,

so I've never taken a piss on one. Where does it go? It's not a detail they feature in the ads, that, is it? They show the boy on the surfboard in the jacuzzi, don't they, on the decking, but they don't show him taking a piss and where it goes. Why is that? They show a room that is obviously being photoshopped to look a lot more spacious and to have a view rather than a view of an internal corridor.

Yes, which I don't really understand because I know that you're buying the ship, so you're buying the room and the features rather than the places you're going to, but it is a cruise. The point of a cruise is you go to places. Yeah, well, no, it's not. The point of the cruise is you look at the Atlantic Ocean for a week.

It's just, I mean, why don't they show pictures? You know, you're going to the Caribbean, you're going to the Greek islands, and instead you're going on a surfboard in a jacuzzi. What, are you going to do that for a week and a half? Well, I suppose they're saying to people, look, it's going to be just like you're in a resort in some no-name place and then you get to look at the Acropolis.

Isn't it a sort of interchangeability thing? So they can use the same advert whether it's Caribbean or the Fjords or... Titanic Memorial Cruise, there's always the surfboard in the jacuzzi. Well, the answer is, I have to say, Joe, pretty much as I would have expected, but if you haven't got the intellectual might to work this out for yourself, this is how it goes. Do you have to piss off the side of the ship? No.

There are two tanks. Is it one for men and one for women? No. Is it one for the dancing Irish people and one for the upper class? One is called Greywater and one is called Blackwater. Blackwater? That sounds like the name of a horror film. Yes, and from that insinuation,

you can guess what's in the Black Water. Is there a horror film set in the sewage tank of a cruise ship? No, but there should be. And the Grey Water tank, that's the water that comes from places like the showers and the running taps. And the laundry, presumably there is one. Yeah, exactly.

So I presume that the Grey Water might get recycled a couple of times before it gets dumped. But basically, they both get chemically treated, hopefully with something that's environmentally friendly, and then, as one might expect, get dumped in God's big toilet, the sea. Yay! Out of sight, out of mind. Except the dolphins are swimming in shit. Isn't that lovely?

You can excrete some water and then the next day you could be taking a holiday on it. I don't know about you listeners but sometimes I reach the end of a podcast with a wanton craving for more. In such moments I confess I have recourse to the answer me this app on the iPhone and, additionally, in times of dire need, Android, upon which I have indulged in the weekly bonus material and over three hours of best bits. That's right, it's a question of court. And it's from Gemma, who says,

Helen, answer me this. How on earth do you get a job as a court artist? Apparently most of them are freelance and the way that you do it is just send your portfolio of portraits to news organisations because they need to know that you can draw people or you go and hang around in a lot of courtrooms make friends with the journalists, suggest yourself. You know that had never actually occurred to me

that it's the news organisations that hire the artists rather than the court. I sort of assumed there was like an official court artist like a poet laureate or something. I wonder when you submit your illustrations to say that you could be a convincing and credible court artist, whether you're actually... Instead of those caricatures of Leonardo DiCaprio and Rowan Atkinson,

maybe you actually submit drawings of people that you've taken, perhaps from your own family, but you've made them look like a rapist somehow. Or you've put a judge's wig on them. Yes, absolutely. I think if you want to become a court artist, just ask the people that you know to stand pointing very dramatically at things so you can draw them wearing lawyer's clothes.

This is a weird thing. Court artists aren't allowed to draw in the court. You're kidding. They go into the court. They're allowed to take notes, but they're not allowed to sketch. And then they have to go outside and do the drawing. And I don't know why that is. Presumably it'd be distracting if they had an easel and a load of pencils dropping on the floor.

Now, I always imagine from the court illustrations that there's a lot of wood panelling in English courtrooms. Oh, tons. But I wonder if there always is or whether that's just almost like a sort of stylistic flourish. Because sometimes, surely, it's a modern courtroom, but it never looks like one in the drawings, does it? But when I was doing jury service, it was a modern courtroom and it had all the wood paneling maybe it is just how they feel a court should look you know there can't be that many courtroom architects and maybe they're quite small c conservative yes they probably are i suppose you're right if uh if you went to trial for murder and it was in a new courtroom and the architect had really had some fun like put the witness stand 20 foot up in the

air or something with lasers coming out of it. Maybe some pictures of Winnie the Pooh. Yeah, you'd feel a bit like you were in one of the boring scenes in one of the later Star Wars movies, wouldn't you? Yeah, but at least I'd have something to look at. Yeah, true. Here's a question from Megan from Pittsburgh who says, my fiancé is a fit guy with a nice upper body build.

Photos please, Megan. But he has no interest in showing it off. Rather, she says, he wears oversized floppy clothing, medium or large, when he's obviously a small, because he's uncomfortable, revealing that he's on the slender side and not a bulkier, average-sized guy. What does that say about America, Megan,

that the bulkier size is considered to be the average size? Too much food. I've told him several times that he should wear properly fitted clothing since he'd look quite good in it, but he still buys excessively large attire. See, that is irritating. He's probably the reason that every time I go to Bicester Village,

I can only get something that's small or medium because the people who are actually small or medium buy large and extra large, which is what I need. Selfish. Exactly. This guy's selfish. Don't marry him. He's making me look ridiculous in tiny clothes.

I think a lot of people buy clothes that don't really fit them properly, though. I think it's a very common problem. Like, Martin always buys shoes that are too small for him because he has foot dysmorphia. As Megan says, he still buys excessively large attire. So, Ollie, answer me this. What can I do to convince him to start wearing properly sized clothing and, God forbid, maybe get a tailored suit for the wedding and thereafter? Surely he'll wear a tailored suit for the wedding.

He's not gonna be like, no, I actually want to look like I'm drowning in a suit. Tell you what, I'm just gonna wear my pyjamas. Baggy clothes are unflattering to people that are big because they make you look bigger and to small people because you look like you're wearing clothes you haven't grown into yet. There are two solutions and one of them is expensive

and that is to take him to a tailor and buy it for him or take him to one of those department stores where they go and pick clothes for him because they're unlikely to pick clothes that are massive. That's clever, yes. The other solution is cheap, cheap, cheap and that is to show him pictures of Joseph Gordon-Levitt. He's a small man.

Yeah. And he's always wearing very well-tailored clothes looking a proper Bobby Dazzler. He wears clothes well and he's a tiny man. Or Aaron Paul from Breaking Bad. Contrast Aaron Paul in the show where he's wearing

massive droopy t-shirts as it sounds like your fiancé is, Megan. And then him when he's doing red carpet events where he's wearing very natty suits.

I mean, what you're suggesting here is that Megan essentially prints off a massive brief full of comparative photos so that he can get a full understanding of the depth of the situation. Make a paper doll

of your fiancé then make the two sizes of clothes and then he can see which is more flattering but i do wonder about uh people dressing their partners does one have the right to dictate what your partner looks like sure you might want them to look their best but is it for you to decide what their best is um yeah i think it's fine so long as you haven't entered into the relationship with that being the end goal like some sort of weird ne deBute movie. If you've said right at the beginning, you know, oh, I'm going to make him look like Aaron Paul,

that's weird. It's generally good advice to make your relationship nothing like a Neil deBute film. Anyway, isn't it quite nice, Megan, to know that, yeah, he looks like a bit of a slob, but underneath it, he's buff and fit. Isn't that a little present that you can unwrap in the evening that's your little secret?

Yeah, exactly. It's like when girls have surprisingly large boobs. That's great. You don't want everyone knowing and looking down their chest all the time. It's like, these boobs are mine. You've got your own boobs. Yeah, it's not enough for me. Please send us an email.

We love to keep in touch. If you send us an email, we'll like you very much. It's our service podcastPodcast at GoogleMail.com. That's AnswerMeThisPodcast at GoogleMail.com. So please send us an email or we won't know you're there. And if we like your email, we'll read it out on air. Time for a question from Madeline from Sydney, Australia who says I've made it to a quarter century

Birthdays all around aren't there in this house this week A lot of young adults in today's show It's my 25th today and I was, well when she sent this which obviously isn't today by the time you're listening to it and I was very excited when I unwrapped my first present from my partner

and it was an Answer Me This mug. Not to be self-aggrandising, but those mugs are brilliant. They're massive, and I've had one in service for five years, not a chip on it. In fairness, we make very little money out of selling our merch. Literally, we make about 10p each. We don't put much markup on because the base price is so expensive already. So genuinely, we can say they are a good mug. Honestly, they are.

No conflict of interest. We just want you to have the best mugs you can. It is a good mug. Anyway, they are. No conflict of interest. We just want you to have the best mugs you can. It is a good mug. Anyway, I have the day off uni today, Madeline continues, but all my friends have to work, so I'm spending my birthday alone. Balloons for one. I've decided to lock myself up

in my flat all day. That's a bit repulsion, isn't it? And indulge in three of my favourite activities. Hello. Whoa, whoa. Hanging out That's a bit repulsion, isn't it? Hello. Whoa, whoa. Ollyman-tick. Oh, yes. Listening to back-to-back episodes of Answer Me This.

Ollyman-tick. And doing a jigsaw puzzle. Oh, you hate that. I'd honestly rather be in solitary confinement than doing jigsaws all day. Well, she is in solitary confinement. Effectively. It's just that it's brought on by herself. So, Helen, Answer Me me this what is your most memorable

birthday and why well it probably wasn't the one where i did jigsaws by myself but i'm sure there were a couple of those when i was in my tweens yeah yeah sorry i got a lump in my throat i just felt emotional for you helen i saw right through your eyes into your soul there yeah and it's in 400 pieces uh well on my 30th birthday martin proposed so i suppose i Yeah, and it's in 400 pieces. Well, on my 30th birthday, Martin proposed, so I suppose I remember that. Yeah, it's in your top 10, isn't it? It's in my top 30.

Yes. I think that's reasonable. And then on my 31st birthday, it was the day before our wedding, so I remember that because I was very, very busy making food for the wedding and stuff. Martin, memorable birthdays?

My 25th, I was on a flight back from Tallahassee in Florida. I haven't had a thoroughly miserable time. That was pretty bad. Why was it so miserable? You pretty much had a breakdown, didn't you? Yeah, I was just dealing with magnets and the remnants of my PhD. We've all been there.

And you'd been sharing a room. As we've learnt in this show, that is a pathway to misery. With a colleague. Sharing a room with a colleague. In a kind of William Hagen assistant kind of way or in a perfectly reasonable way it was quite it was fairly platonic

I had a good run of birthdays in my teens for my 17th I went to see the international premiere of Beauty and the Beast the musical

wow but it was the first night who did you have to blow to go to that not my dad he got the tickets i don't know who he had to blow um but uh it was a proper like celeb party which i'd obviously never been to

before the natural history museum is all lit up in purple bob geldof was there yeah and then for my 18th i went to see an ocean color scene gig they even they don't remember being an ocean color scene um and then on my 19th i went to a casino in Zimbabwe. Wow! So, I mean, that was quite a trajectory. You know, theatre, rock and roll gig, casino in a developing country. Now, if you've had a memorable birthday

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