Answer Me This! - AMT240: Doughnuts, Bookshops, and Andy Warhol's Wig

Episode Date: December 6, 2012

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How can you get three films out of the plot of The Hobbit? That's to be this, that's to be this Could you get a peaceful night's sleep next to Lorena Borbit? That's to be this, that's to be this Helen and Ollie, that's to be this Hey listeners, we know that you like this podcast and that it's probably made you hungry for more podcasts Unless this is the first time you've ever listened to us

and you're trying us out In which case, this little bit of promotion is meaningless to you. You've probably switched off already. But we're now on another weekly podcast. That's right. But this one's actually produced by Radio Professionals. On the BBC. The show is called The Joy of Tech.

So you go onto iTunes now or another podcatcher, as I believe no one calls them. Podcatcher. It's awful, isn't it? Creepy. This is why none of them have taken off. And type in thejoyoftech and subscribe, please, and you'll get a little dose of Helen and Ollie every week talking about the web.

Or you could go to bbc.co.uk slash podcast slash series slash jot. It's catchy. Anyway, we'd very much like to have your... I was going to say have your companionship or your followership on the other podcast. Follow ship. Really? God, that's as bad as podcatchers.

Is a podcatcher like a dreamcatcher? Why are there no good neologists this century? Am I the only one? And also, whilst we're talking about other radio moonlighting that we do in the professional sphere, if you happen to be listening to the radio between one and five in the morning between Christmas Eve and January 2nd.

Then you are having a terrible time at Christmas. I'll be on LBC 97.3 presenting through the night. Yay! That's the best present ever! Except for for you and your sleeping patterns. So if you're in London, that's on 97.3 FM. And if you're not? And if you're not, there's an LBC app on the App Store. Listen to that.

And on a website? Or lbc.co.uk. Any of those work. Russell Brand's dad called you're not? And if you're not, there's an LBC app on the App Store. Listen to that. And or on a website? Or lbc.co.uk. Any of those work. Russell Brand's dad called you in once, didn't he? He did, and he just said repeatedly, I'm Ronnie Brand! So, do that, if you like. It filled the air. Well, if everyone called up saying, I'm Ronnie Brand, it would not only be rubbish radio,

but also very inaccurate, because not everyone can be Ronnie Brand. Spartacus all over again, isn't it? Hello, it's Chris from Ammonindia right now. The Helen Morley asked me this. Why are doughnuts called doughnuts? They're not really nuts, are they? Like peanuts? As with so many things, people have invented explanations

which include a corruption of the words dough-naught because a ring donut looks like a nought it's bullshit yeah because the non-ring donuts look like nuts or because it's corruption of the words dough nots because you're tying knots in dough what it most likely is to be though is that in recipe books in the 19th century when donuts were popularized they said put a nut of dough in boiling oil so to indicate the size and dimensions well that's obviously no i like that okay that's like when people say what do they say with hair gel and shampoo like a pea-sized blob pea-sized yeah yeah that is that's the exact the victorian version of that isn't it peas come in many different sizes yeah but we all know when it says pea-sized amount

that it means a bird's eye frozen pea basically doesn't it that's the pea that everyone measures peas by what so that wasn't the pea I was going by I wonder if in the future Shampoo will be known as Pee blobs Well it could be shampoo But before they were called doughnuts They were called oily cakes Oh wow that's descriptive but not appealing

Because the Dutch used to fry them in pig fat I'm sure that would be delicious I know you're making ironic slapping your thighs of excitement And appetising noises but actually I'd quite like that. Do you agree with me that basically it's always a mistake, and therefore I don't understand why they sell them this way, it's always a mistake to buy more than one donut? One donut's lovely, more than one, even just two,

except in the case of churros, where obviously you can eat hundreds and drink the liquid chocolate like it's going out of fashion. But except in the case of churros, one donut, that's enough for me, two, I just feel slightly sickly. I can easily eat three winged donuts. The only reason why it's acceptable to have more than one donut is if you know that one of them's got chocolate in and one's got German. And you want to try the difference between the two.

Or one... Don't say custard, don't say custard. No, no, it's rank. That's why. Oh, apple's lovely. Apple. Or lemon. What about a lemon donut?

Obviously, roll. What's the matter with you? Coffee I've never had. What about one with a coffee, custard filling and chocolate on the top? Yeah, I'm all right with that. You're at the missionary position of donuts, are you? It's been said before, it'll be said again. Another question of food now from Charlotte from Lower Stoft, who says,

My sister told me today that when we were young children, I was five and my sister nine, our mother once served us penis-shaped novelty pasta for our evening meal. Oh, God. Was it her head night or something? My sister is horrified at my mother's actions, telling me she remembers feeling uncomfortable eating them. I wonder if she could sue for this kind of thing. Is this child abuse?

It's pasta. My mum, however, argues that she only did it as she'd run out of pasta and that at the time with two impatient hungry children to feed penis pasta seemed a better idea than no pasta at all what about a sandwich yeah it's an interesting decision isn't it i'm not sure uh so answer me this was my mum wrong to serve us penis pasta or is my sister making a fuss over nothing and what would you have done were you in the same situation as my mum i would have done the same i think but i would have told a lie i would have said yes uh we're having the pasta that is in the shape of an aardvark wearing a gas mask because it doesn't really look like a penis no

you could say it was a sea monster or a rocket as long as it's not a carbonara sauce it's probably okay then again are we all getting a little bit too prudish Because you know Children find willies funny Right And I know that in this kind of paranoid Post Jimmy Savile world We're not supposed to ever talk about penises In front of children Children do not have bodies

But actually Children are obsessed with rubits Children find it funny And actually does it Is it If my mum served me penis pasta I wouldn't consider it damaging I would have found it funny when I was eight

I'd probably still find it funny now You would have found it deeply ordinary Because that's exactly the kind of thing Your mum would have done all the time If she just served you spirals i would have found it funny when i was eight i'd probably still find it funny now you would have found it deeply ordinary because that's exactly the kind of if she just said you uh spirals you would have been like what is this in other parts of the world in fact i remember specifically going to copenhagen with my dad when i was about eight and on the you know i was encouraged to have some exotic foreign sweets when we went to the petrol station and one of the sweets i remember was boob shaped uh gelatin yeah that was not adult novelty sweets that was for children

And it's funny when you're a child It was really funny and I was not damaged by that The thing is when you're a child Your body isn't sexual and even sexual organs aren't sexual It's just a willy It doesn't have the same connotations as it does for another I think that the greater problem is that novelty shaped Pasta isn't very nice

No it's not I've got a bunch of it in my cupboard actually because people give it to us when they come back from holiday. And I just, you know, it's like, oh, thanks, but I don't know what to do with it. It's funny, though, that Italians recoil from the idea of funny shaped pasta. And yet they love cock. Exactly. And boobs.

But in all seriousness, if you were to pick a European nation, apart from maybe the Swedes and the Danes and the Dutch, I think you would choose the Italians out of everyone, certainly more than the French, the Germans, the Russians, who would like cock and bo Dutch. I think you would choose the Italians out of everyone, certainly more than the French, the Germans, the Russians, who would like cock and boob shaped things. It would be the Italians. I've seen their adverts for shower gel. Exactly.

And yet when it comes to pasta, they're all so bloody po-faced about it. And I lie to my niece views all the time because it's easier than telling them the truth. And I do worry that soon they're going to be too old for me to be allowed to do this without repercussions. But at the moment, it just seems a lot easier they're on crack anyway essentially i was walking my nephew home the other day and he was wearing this coat with dinosaurs on it and he said they

won't stop talking and i said really they seem quite well behaved they're not eating you and he said yes but they're eating the coats they seem so stressed did he then say i see dead people i mean what a nutter. And therefore I feel fine with saying, yes, I'm feeding you these dolphins that have funny fins that are shaped like testes. Yeah. Well, yeah. If you've got a question, email your question.

To unsubmit this podcast, give them a mail.com. Unsubmit this podcast, give them a mail.com. So retrospectives, what historical events are we ticking off on this week's run of Today in History? On Monday, we bring you the real story of the mutiny on the bounty. On Tuesday, the anniversary of the day somebody invented the meatball, but who? On Wednesday, the iconic British car that ripped off an iconic American car. On Thursday, how American airlines invented air miles.

And on Friday, the UFO sighting that gripped colonial America. We discuss this and more on Today in History with The Retrospectors. Ten minutes each weekday, wherever you get your podcasts. Time for a question from a whole family the shinks family oh the shinks this is uh they say i've now it's singular i'm confused just been watching blue peter i am 44 years old oh so it's on behalf of a family but not necessarily endorsed by them i think i assume from the patriarch

father shinks really could be mother shinks could be but i just strikes me as a man okay um and they blue peter were attempting to break a world record in the studio there was an official world record adjudicator from guinness so helen answer me this how on earth do you get to be a guinness adjudicator what are the qualifications required and what's the job description you have to understand what constitutes a record. So they're trained to know whether it's quantifiable, I suppose, whether you can define it and standardise it enough to establish what has to be broken. And also whether it's impressive, because at the end of the day,

they've got a book to publish, haven't they? And if you just say, I'm going to win the world record for eating the most Murray Mints in a row, if you just eat 10 of them, because no one's done a record of that before, that's going to make the book is it because it's boring apparently 80 percent of pitches for world records are immediately dismissed and then the adjudicators have to do a bit more research into whether it's valuable and what's required but it seems that guinness does

advertise for records managers who are the ones who research and approve the records and you know check the evidence and interview witnesses and stuff to make sure that the record was broken and once you've been doing that for a while then often you can get promoted oh really um it's a staff of about 80 the guinness world records operation and they've got adjudicators in london where where the organization is based beijing tokyo new york sydney you'd expect that hamburg and also asuncion in paraguay wow what's going on there it's like being sent off to a remote island parish so it seems that most of the people that do this job they have tertiary education and they have to be able to speak more than one language because they travel a lot but whereas the job sounds fun like working for that organization that is essentially

dedicated to nothing apart from the promotion of really stupid ideas. A bit like the Darwin Awards. Although that sounds fun, actually, as the adjudicator, you're the killjoy, basically. I mean, I've met Guinness World Record adjudicators before I've been at World Record attempts, and they're the ones who stand there with a clipboard and basically say, well, technically, that's not a pogo stick, so you haven't won the record.

They have to, because it's so important. It's a pogo stick, Oli. But that's not a pogo stick, so you haven't won the record. They have to, because it's so important. It's a pogo stick, Oli. But that's not really that much fun, really. So essentially you're the traffic warden of silly fun. But if you're going to make an arbitrary record, an arbitrary set of rules that you're going to beat, then stick to them. Yes, yeah, absolutely. I'm just saying there must be some hard days at work

where you have to look someone in the eyes who's just been in a bath full of jelly for 20 hours. And say, sorry, someone's done it for 24 hours.'re gonna have to stay in the jelly oh sorry when you went for a wee break you took 30 seconds too long so i'm sorry the jelly is the wrong flavor and it's not set enough the other thing they do is they uh they have to keep hold of the certificate that says you've won the record until obviously you have won the record won the record so that's quite a big position of trust because presumably they have to destroy that certificate if you fail to win the record. Why don't they just produce

the certificate after the record has been established? Because they have to have the photo up by the bath of jelly. Exactly. And you want the jelly dripping from the man's every pore at the moment he's going and then you want to present him with the certificate. That's the photo for the book isn't it? And you don't necessarily have a printer in the field where the bath

full of jelly probably is. That's right. It's a complicated world. So if the Shinx is planning some kind of career change, it's not the picnic that it may seem. Unless it is a world record for the world's biggest picnic. Then it is going to be a good picnic. No, but you don't get to eat anything

because if you're a Guinness World Record adjudicator, you don't get to take part in any records. So you would not get to eat the picnic because you'd be helping conflict of interest pure and simple yep that's a shame isn't it because imagine if

yeah if you're in this world and you know that there's a really easy record that you know you could win and you thought I've got a really aching neck you know what would soothe that a bath full of beans

yeah can't do it can't do it oh it's heartbreaking Dear Santa Claus did you know Can't do it. Can't do it. Oh, it's heartbreaking. Dear Santa Claus, did you know I've been really good this year? I've been helping old ladies,

eradicating rabies, and laying off the beer. So fill my stocking with classic episodes of my favourite podcast. Because for 79 pence each, you can buy our first three years episodes Appreciation will be vast Go to answer me this podcast dot com slash classic to get them for me

And the coat me entertained on Boxing Day When Grandpa's starting to bore me Fights of meat, F-ful, merman, interracial, marriage, young people today It's Christmas time There's no need to feel afraid But there's a monster in the wardrobe Merman interracial marriage young people today. It's Christmas time. There's no need to feel afraid.

But there's a monster in the wardrobe. Well, I was going to say there's no need to feel afraid unless your mother-in-law is coming to visit. Because we've got this question from Victoria. My mother-in-law's not scary at all. Glad to hear it. Victoria says my mother-in-law is coming to visit us for two weeks over Christmas. Oh, two weeks. Wow. Now suddenly she's not so delightful.

Hey, Helen, two weeks. No one's delightful for two weeks. No matter how much two weeks! Wow. Now suddenly she's not so delightful. Hey, Helen, two weeks. No one's delightful for two weeks. No matter how much my husband reams her about it, she cannot help herself from making comments and hinting about my weight. She has, for example, said, you were a fat kid, eh? And when I'd lost a little weight,

your fat belly has gone down a bit. It's lovely of her to notice. She sends me diets, she finds in magazines, and sometimes I catch her just standing there, staring at my belly. That's probably her hoping that you're pregnant so she can become a bitchy grandma. She might actually just be captivated by Victoria. It might be that you have a very charismatic stomach. Yeah, or you paint mysterious symbols on it.

She's trying to work out what they are. By the way, Victoria continues, she is definitely not a thin person. Yeah, but one can still criticise the bodies of others from one's own fat prison. Self-hating tubber. And I'm not huge, Victoria says. Probably about as chubby as she is. It's not a contest. And while I've been attempting weight loss lately,

my home business is my top priority, and weight loss is pretty low on my list of things to do. So, Helen, answer me this what is a fun way for me to deflect her hurtful comments uh without making a scene i think going on the jeremy kyle show what do you mean was a fun way going somewhere else for christmas victoria says can you come up with something that's uh entertaining for me not necessarily something she will understand but will make her tactlessness more fun well if you're looking for fun and defiance, Victoria, maybe you should start wearing like really revealing clothes like crop tops and stuff and slouch so that your belly looks even bigger. And maybe paint some arrows on it and then sort of jiggle it up and down. So when she's like, oh, you're looking a bit chubby is to suggest that being fat is actually an

advantage in some way and sort of show her up for her prejudiced beliefs. Wrestling. So maybe there's that. Or maybe it's a case of, you know that episode of Alan Partridge where he gets that super fan to come up to him and ask for an autograph in front of the TV producer so that he can be seen to be more popular than he is. I'm wondering the same sort of way where maybe you could get like a neighbour

to call round and compliment you. So Victoria looking so trim yes exactly but maybe she is thinking look Victoria is a bit overweight she might actually be losing years of her life if I say something now while she is young before she has kids

maybe actually she'll do something about it and maybe you have to be a bit cruel to be kind it's not the way to do it no it's not as I can tell you from the years of childhood bullying by my dad on this very matter yeah really destroying. And it made me just want to put on weight to annoy him.

Okay, fine. But what is the right way to say that, if that's your concern? It's not her mother-in-law's business. There's no fun way to do it. My ex-girlfriend, her mother, every time she went to visit her would make comments about her weight until at some point she just went, like, I've just walked in the door. Can you stop making comments about my weight? It's really upsetting me.

And then she stopped. Or at least she scaled it back for a while. The only thing you can do is be really direct and say, this is rude and upsetting, so can you stop? There isn't a fun way to do it, unfortunately. But what I'm saying is, from her point of view, she may feel she's being interventionist in a good way. And how do you actually tell her that she's not?

I think, Victoria, you have to say to her directly, when you say things like this, I actually find it very upsetting. So do you think you could keep it to yourself? Or write it down in a letter and then don't send me the letter but i think you have to be direct to her she probably doesn't realize the effect her words are having on you she might just be a very insensitive person i've got a less direct way of dealing with this helen and that's just get pissed my advice how's that gonna help because well victoria the fat drunkard that's why drinking goes up at christmas if you're around your family at christmas and you can't bear them just drink that's just drink a lot and you'll feel much better everything's suddenly amusing and that's the best way to deal with

every problem there's no side effect at all another thing to do is to unite your mother-in-law with you by bitching about somebody else divide and rule it worked for otto von bismarck so someone fatter preferably if you're saying hey look Aunty Violet has got a really hairy chin yeah mother-in-law will be like haha yeah she has ever since Bill left her she's really let herself go

yeah I see yeah clever here is another question of discord with the in-laws or outlaws in this situation

it's from Alex from Chichester who says I don't think my girlfriend's parents like me oh dear When I say her parents, I mean her mum and stepdad

her dad and stepmum are two of the nicest, most welcoming people I've ever met. We're in our early twenties and we've been together for almost two years now. I must have been to their house hundreds of times but I've never been made to feel very welcome. It's always very much that I'm an outsider and

I'm to be treated as an outsider wow i've done nothing but try to make them accept me maybe they think you're a bit of a suck-up and i really look after my beautiful girlfriend but they just won't accept me i bought them an 80 pound bottle of champagne for christmas last year oh god so he's tried my tip of getting them drunk and that didn't help. Maybe they think it's a bit flash. £80, you could buy 20 bottles of Carver for that. And I didn't receive a thank you or anything. Right. So Ollie answered me this. Am I trying too hard to make them like me?

Is there something more I could do? Or are they just utter cunts? Well, it's really hard to know, isn't it, without meeting them. Well, I've looked at Alex's Twitter profile, which he attached to his email, and his biog is a polite arsehole so maybe the problem is him not them right assuming that he's being ironic there in his twitter biog though and he's actually a thoroughly pleasant man how does your girlfriend get on with her mum and her stepdad because if her relationship with them has always been a bit terse yes exactly she needs to talk to them on your behalf and say, I don't feel like you've made an effort with Alex

and I would like the family to be more united. Yeah, I think that's right. Send her in. Maybe the flash approach isn't the right one. Well, evidently, the £80 champagne didn't work. Yeah, so maybe what you need to do instead is show more interest in them, listen to their boring stories about decking or whatever, but maybe find out what they're interested in and offer to help them you know if they need help raking leaves in the garden or putting out the rubbish yes things like that find some kind of

common ground that you can converse about i think making stuff useful is good uh a because you're making stuff useful and b because if it's socially awkward to be sitting in a living in the living room or the dining room with these people you can at least go off into another room and do something else. And you're not just sat there bored trying to make small talk with people who don't really like you. However, the boyfriend that I had in my teenage years, who I was with for three and a half years... Yeah, your dad tormented him, right?

He really did. He annihilated the confidence at that point. I mean, my mum is very polite, but I think she had her suspicions, whereas dad just openly laughed at him. And my ex-boyfriend did put in effort. He shifted lots of wheelbarrows full of earth for my dad when my dad was making a patio. Literally moved the earth for him.

He really did. That's not enough for Zach Zaltzman. I have to say, from his point of view, if they're not making any effort, screw them. Or just try and understand why they have this opinion. It might be nothing to do with you. It might be that you represent something about their daughter's life choices

that they have taken against. And really, it's about their daughter, not about you. That's one thing. The other thing is, if this was a TV drama or a sitcom, what would happen is a situation would develop where you were trapped with the one that hates you the most, whether that's the mother or the stepfather. Trapped with them in perhaps a garden shed with no electricity. Or a lift. Or a car in a snowdrift. And you'd hate each other and it would be awful.

We'd have to eat each other. But by the end of the episode or the film or whatever, you'd have learned to it would be awful you'd have to eat each other but by the end of the episode or the film or whatever you'd have learned to love each other you'd learn to understand each other and I wonder if

actually you can generate a situation perhaps where you have to get past the awkwardness and start talking about other stuff it might happen with even more

work and persistence maybe the answer is just to break down in tears in front of the parents that often cuts through a lot of ice anyway to both of you

Merry Christmas sounds like you're going to have a great December let us know how you're doing in january alex i don't know about you listeners but sometimes i reach the end of a podcast with a wanton craving for more in such moments confess, I have recourse to the Answer Me This app on the iPhone and, additionally, in times of dire need, Android, upon which I have indulged in the weekly bonus material and over three hours of best bits. Here is a question from Chris from Germany who says,

Ollie, answer me this. Was Andy Warhol wearing a wig all the time? Or was that his real hair? I did a Google image search. What do you reckon? On the image search, real or fake? It's him at various different ages from what I can tell. And this is just a a guess it looked like it was his real hair that

looked like that when he was younger and then as he got older he got a wig that looked like his hair used to look well wrong is a wig but it was a wig from when he was young he began wearing wigs in the 50s when he was still only in his 20s because he had male pattern baldness and he also had a nose job in the 50s wow that's early isn't it it is early i would i thought that's quite risky to have a nose job yeah but the first wigs were mousy brown and then he kind of graduated to different shades of uh yellowy silver and uh there are apparently hundreds of his wigs uh the andy warhol museum in pittsburgh has uh over 30 and he used to have his real hair poking out so it's deliberately meant to look wiggy oh wow i guess the thing is

i mean it sounds wanky doesn't it but then being an artist is a bit wanky and actually i guess the ones that people remember as icons rather than just their work being iconic they are the ones that set about to have an aesthetic look right from the beginning oscar wilde still 150 years later we all talk about how he looked well lady gaga is a more interesting proposition than a lot of other pop stars who might make vaguely similar songs yeah I think that's right yeah and it was a kind of self-mythologizing branding look he didn't do it by accident he knew what he was doing and also he said that uh if you wear gray hair then no one knows how old you really are because you always look old let's go for your trip yeah helped some of his fears about aging yeah that's interesting yeah But anyway, a Warhol wig sold for more than $10,000 in a Christie's auction in 2006.

So you could get one and wear one and pretend you have the head of Andy Warhol, but then you'd be being derivative. Here is an email from someone who calls themselves a very naughty Waterstones browser. Okay, is there a special branch of Waterstones called the very naughty Waterstones? If there is, I'd like to go there. No textbooks there, just sexed books. This naughty browser says today I left my house and went on a special

trip to Waterstones to finish reading a book that I started reading there a couple of weeks ago. Cheapskate. It's a good book, just not good enough for me to want to buy it. But good enough for you to make a special trip to the bookshop to finish reading it suggests that it is quite compelling. So what's that price point? About £4 rather than £8.99? I see.99 you're saying she could be talking about a 60 pound

hardback couldn't she that's the problem she says i realized that i probably could have found the same book at the library down the road but the local paedophile often sits on the bench outside the door so i'm too scared to go in yeah big society how do you know that they're a local paedophile they might just look a bit pd uh let's not ask her to feedback on that helen the naughty browser says ollie answer me this how much of a book is it acceptable to read in a bookshop before you are obliged to buy it i think it's acceptable to read all of it but then you do have to buy it so i suppose the answer the question is i suppose it's acceptable to read about a quarter of it and not buy it i think if you haven't decided to buy a quarter you should either stop reading it or buy it but i think it's

fine to read the whole thing and then go back and buy it another day that's fine you probably should buy it no but once you've read the whole thing you're not going to go back and buy it are you but i've done this myself oh we've all done it well this is why borders doesn't exist anymore they're asking you they've got armchairs there and no one tells you to put the books away no in fact they invite you basically to sit down have a cup of coffee and read one don't they but usually they're books that i never intended to buy like the ace of cakes book you know it's not good enough to own yeah but then there's a subcategory there isn't there with that kind of book where it's a book you'd have liked to have been gifted yes that's

exactly right and then ask someone to give it to you books you don't want to buy yourself now i'm making amends because now i only really buy books from um independent bookshops like the bookseller chrome crystal palace and they tend to be full price and maybe that is offsetting the books i didn't buy i think that's the way to look at it actually and i think even if you go to a chain store like Waterstones that's still the way to look at it is you you are investing your time there you're making their shop seem busier you're enjoying their atmosphere probably you haven't got that much money that's probably part of the reason why you're not buying the book you're not just being tight so therefore actually the law of average is probably eventually maybe you'll get a bit older maybe you'll get a better job at some

point you will have some more money you will want to buy books and then you will have the brand loyalty to the shop that let you sit and browse as you say if borders did still exist because i spent about half my time as a student in borders reading free books uh i would uh i would probably be going back there and spending 50 pounds a month but uh sadly it went kaput before i had the opportunity but listeners if you are interested in a book that you can probably read in one sitting uh do try the answer me this book yeah okay a good opportunity to mention that. Yeah, it's the perfect gift for somebody who has a toilet and the

ability to read. Show biz news, no need for magazines Stalking your old school friends Videos of fat kids falling over Stealing films and music Sharing photos of your nan Filing your tax return But by far my favourite free thing to type Is answer me this into Skype. Here's a question from Paul who says,

I've always wanted to visit Canada or Russia. Whoa, two very different places there, Paul. They're not far though. What was that, Sarah Palin? Yeah, pop through Alaska. Yeah. Over the Bering Strait. You're a terrifying man.

He says, although it's probably going against the national consensus of the English population, I do not like warm climates. It's going with the national grain of the English climate, so I think that's a good thing. It's going with the grain of the answer in this podcast. Two out of three, not Ollyman. I'd be quite happy to move to Australia if my family would just

fuck off with me. We wish you would. Oh, that's not nice. Well, because Australia's a lovely place I'd love to visit. We could come and visit you, yeah. So Paul says, that is why I would prefer one of the aforementioned destinations. Both of them, though, don't go in summer if you want cold. Because I had a friend who went to Moscow in summer

last year and it was absolutely roasting. Roasting, like people dying from the heat. And Canada as well can get really hot. Moscow in July is one of the most humid places I've ever been and I've been on the London tube system tube system when giving this proposal to my family they were more in favor of canada than the eastern european option however he says having got his way while this would have been good it resulted in a difference of opinion as i would like to visit toronto whereas my mother and sister would prefer vancouver and my younger brother and dad just

don't give a rat's ass i have a feeling pa, that this is just going to go on and on. Like if you then settle on Vancouver, they'll be like, well, they want to stay in the gas town and I want to stay on the mountain. It's just like, well, just go with it. Take a majority decision. And his brother and his dad. I mean, why even bother making them go anywhere? Leave them at home. No, well, that's not fair.

He's saying that they don't have a choice. They don't have a preference between Toronto and Vancouver. Maybe to them, those are both very exotic destinations. Doesn't matter maybe they have observed your controlling instincts paul and have decided to abdicate any responsibility over the holiday choice yeah because it's not worth it so ollie answered me this says paul how do i convince my family namely my mom and sister to go with my choice of toronto god he's so bossy isn't it i've chosen the continent Now I'm choosing the city

And you fuckers are just going to follow I have to say I'm not sure you made the right choice there I've never been to Toronto But I have been to Vancouver And it's very beautiful It is And of the two I would say

Vancouver probably is going to be more interesting As a tourist Not maybe to live in Toronto dwellers Please write in and tell us But I've heard that From your underground caverns But I've heard Toronto is quite a businessy place

yeah exactly I've heard it's a very nice place to live but a little bit dull for tourists or you could add Montreal to the mix I've heard Montreal is cool what you could do and this would be the ideal option but it would take about three weeks

is go on a road trip between the two because that's only 2,800 miles and you could go via the Niagara Falls Chicago Mount Rushmore on the badlands glacier national park leavenworth the happiest place on earth and seattle that's going to be expensive though if you want to go in the winter you're going to need some pretty serious tires to do that if you want to go in winter you're going to need a snowmobile or something and you're going

to be trapped in a car with the family that you disagree with being trapped in a car with paul might just mean that you have to go yes paul yes but whatever you say paul anything for a peaceful life yes paul did you do that intentionally? No It's Paul Daniels catchphrase Very good Yes Paul Maybe it is Paul Daniels Paul Daniels is very controlling Maybe it is him

The lovely Debbie McGee Yeah She wouldn't even try To broach Vancouver Where are we going on holiday Debbie? That's right We're going to Vancouver Yes Paul

As I said I think you may have made The wrong choice on Toronto rather than Vancouver I think you may I'm sorry Canadians I think you may have made The wrong choice of Canada

Over Russia as well Well I think Russia's difficult Because you sorry Canadians, I think you may have made the wrong choice of Canada over Russia as well. Well, Russia's difficult because, you know, it's not necessarily the most welcoming country. No, exactly, but isn't it kind of more interesting? It's a choice between Putin, the absolutely baffling Canadian national dish. And Putin, the Prime Minister of Russia. Very nice. Well, if you want to advise Paul on where he should go,

or just address the psychological issues that have caused him to become so incredibly bossy, then by all means do write in. Or you could send us questions. Our contact details are on our website, answermethispodcast.com. But we won't get around to answering those questions, I'm afraid, until the new year because for the next two weeks,

we're going to be playing out our best of episodes, all the best bits from the year in Answer Me This. Yeah. and if you've got a particular bit that you want to hear again you can't be bothered to find the episode and rewind it just uh go on our facebook page yeah let us know answer me this facebook.com answer me this let us know what you'd like to hear again and also if you've got the apps you've got access to the previous five years best of answer me this is um but you know it's fun. There are always good episodes and there's going to be bits in there as well of unheard material from the year in Answer Me This.

Yes. What hit the cutting room floor? Let your imagination run wild. Stuff that was too good to go in the show normally. That'll be in the episode next week. So we'll see you then for the best of Answer Me This 2012 part one. Bye!