Answer Me This! - AMT244: Gherkins, Stolen Potatoes and Simon versus Garfunkel

Episode Date: January 31, 2013

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Why does Lincoln feel longer than the Civil War? Has to be this, has to be this Why doesn't Prince Harry's PR person tape up his jaw? Has to be this, has to be this Helen and Ollie, has to be this So, last week we set you the challenge of getting your local branch of Thorntons Well, it didn't have to be your local branch, I suppose you could go and travel a long way if you wanted to. You might prefer to because you don't want the shame

of defiling your beloved local branch of Thorntons with your crazy desires. That's right, yes. To get them to write a rude message onto some chocolate. Or just see where their limits lay. It didn't have to be rude necessarily, but it could be testing the boundaries of taste or political decency.

Well, that's right. But I particularly specifically wanted to see a chocolate bar that's right. But I particularly, specifically wanted to see a chocolate bar that said fuck on it. Yes, we wanted a cunt bomb, ideally. Because we needed the photographic proof that this is possible. And did we get it? No, we haven't yet.

So listeners, please get this done. Spend the money and send us the photo. Four quid. Because although Thornton's terms and conditions say that you can't, we think, sneakily, you probably can. We have had verbal proof of this, Helen, from Anna. She's emailed us to say,

last Christmas, the man in the Wolverhampton branch of Thornton's... Represent! ..was more than happy to write the word twat down the scarf of a chocolate snowman I bought my brother. Why doesn't that surprise me? So there you go, Thornton's. Wolvo is where the rot is setting in. If you want to enforce your terms and conditions,

shut down Wolverhampton. Well, they probably will be because the recession is really biting in the West Midlands. Yeah, yeah. I joke, but... Although we do love all sweets, now that the cabaret has fallen to the Europeans. Do you think that's what it is?

Maybe that's why he was happy to write twats on it. They're just so angry at chocolate in general. Hello, it's John from London. Hello, Nomi, answer me this. Is the gherkin related at all to the word gherka? I walk past the gherkin every day on the way to work and I've always wanted because I start reading it similarly. Is the shard related to shard hair from Big Brother 1?

No. Is the globe related to earlobes? Is Somerset House related to Hughardair from Big Brother 1? No. Is the globe related to earlobes? Is Somerset House related to Hugh Laurie House? I think we're saying no, aren't we? That's what we're saying. Yeah, we are. It just sounds the same, doesn't it? Yeah, well, Gherkin,

which obviously is not the official name for that building, is it? No, it's called One Bedwetter House or something. Captain Dildo Point. Gherkin is from an old Dutch word, Gherk, which meant cucumber, and the inn was diminutive because Gherkins are small cucumbers. G dildo point. Gherkin is from an old Dutch word, gherk, which meant cucumber and the in was diminutive because gherkins are small cucumbers. Gherkers?

No relation at all. No, it's from a place in Nepal where the gherkers descend. Where they do perhaps also have gherkins. It's possible. I wouldn't put it past the Nepalese. I don't know whether it's a good cucumber growing climate. I went to a gherker fundraising event about two years ago. And was it fun?

He'd put the D in fun, Helen. It was alright. They made a very nice traditional Nepalese curry for everyone. It didn't have gherkins in it. It didn't have gherkins in it. Was Joanna Lomley there? No, she wasn't. I secretly suspect that half the audience there did want her to be there, but she wasn't.

Lomley! Lomley! But they were all too polite to there did want her to be there, but she wasn't. Lovely, lovely. But they were all too polite to say so. No lovely, no gherkins. Rubbish day out. It was a perfectly pleasant afternoon out. The buffet was about £20 each. I felt like I'd done my bit of funding. Nepalese food is nice.

But then they had a charity raffle. And I was one of the youngest people in the room, but not so young that I obviously couldn't afford a ticket. Do you know what I mean? And I just felt like I had to show that almost to represent people under 30 that i cared i bought a ticket so i bought a ticket and uh the tickets were expensive i think about 10 pounds each um but i won something what i won a um nine pound raffle prize yes basically it was uh it was a sword like a Gurkha traditional sword.

Wait for it, it gets naff. Full of rum. That's still quite cool. So like a glass bottle full of Nepalese rum. How big was it? 20 inches. See, now that you mention it, I think you may have boasted about your Gurkha rum sword

in an early edition of the podcast. Oh, did I? Okay. Because otherwise, why would those words belong together in my head? But when you said it was a bit rubbish, I was expecting it to be a Gurkha sword full of bubble bath with some matching hand lotion. Like a car ornament with a nodding Gurkha head on it.

Here's a question from Willie, who says I've been pondering the lyric in Justin Bieber's Beauty and the Beat. Buns out wiener. No, not that lyric, actually. One far less mystifying. The lyric that goes, We're gonna party like it's 3012 tonight.

Oh, yeah. Originally, I thought it was, We're gonna party like it's 1312 tonight. Which confused me even more, because I thought Justin Bieber was pining for the days of woolen tights, tunics, lutes, and Georgian gangster rap. That's not a Georgian era.

Yeah, what era is that? Ah, bloody medieval. I think it's even pre-Tudor. Now I've embarrassed myself. I've slagged him off. It could be Planned Parenthood for all I know. Anyway, he says 3012 makes a bit more sense, but not a lot. It's Justin Bieber.

I don't think sense is really one of his primary concerns at this stage. I actually don't think it does make a lot more sense. It's obviously a reference, isn't it, to We're Gonna Party Like It's 1999. I think at the time, as in in the 80s when Prince did that, a lot of people thought that was a cool lyric because it was referencing what was surely going to be the biggest party of all time. They didn't know about the Millennium Bug. And it was really far ahead as well.

Whereas this, it's like the Black Eyed Peas where they did the I'm so 2008, you're so 2000 and late. And it just they did the, I'm so 2008 You're so 2000 and late And it just, two months later When it was 2009 It was dorky at the time It just seems excruciatingly embarrassing Yeah, but the thing about 1999 Is that by 2000 that seemed old

Yeah, but then He had a good 15 years But I just wonder if Bieber's doing a sort of meta Sort of conscious reference to the fact that this song it's such an epic song Beauty and the Beat it's such a masterpiece

that it's not ever going to date in the way that 1999 did well 1999 though had 15 good years what Bieber's doing is trying to get

a thousand good years well Willie says Ollie answer me this what do you think a party in 3012 would be like and would you want to go to it

not if Bieber was there well Helen you rarely go to a party anyway normally find not if bieber was there well helen you rarely go to a party anyway normally find some excuse but if bieber was there and i bet he would still look like an infant that couldn't be served drink and nicky minaj a thousand years time he'd probably look like gandalf helen like he does now he'd look like benjamin button he'd look like a tiny wizened old man with a very smooth face he'd look like an old fetus and nicky minaj would be there and she'd still be mirthless and just trying to be ostentatious

in this really exhausting way. And everyone else would be dead because of global warming and all the soil would be extremely poisonous. Well, we know as well, of course, from Busted that after the year 3000, not much has changed, but we do live underwater. So that's the first thing.

If you can call it living. I mean, it's like we're all living in the city where Jar Jar Binks is from. Butaver would be all right because as we see in this video he can sing on the water and everything yeah he learned that when uh he used to get waterboarded by usher uh here's another question about a musical icon of our times it's from michael uh who says helen answer me this who was better simon or garfunkel why is this in the past tense they're both still alive yes of course they're both contemporary musicians with the best years ahead of them very relevant

actually art garfunkel does have that horrible vocal cord problem doesn't he so actually he's not going to be able to sing yeah so it's about 70 though isn't he still got the hair and that's the important thing well and actually that would probably be my answer i mean i although clearly really it should be Paul Simon. I think I'd choose Art Garfunkel for two reasons. One, Jufro. Two... Bright eyes burning like fire.

Nearly. Oh. Because he's in The Hunting of the Snark, my favourite underrated musical of all time. Jesus. So for those two reasons, of course, both Bright Eyes and The Hunting of the Snark, written by Mike Bass.

Are you on commission? No, I just... From The Hunting of the Snark Revivalist Society are you on commission no I just from the Hunting of the Snark revivalist society which I've heard is very strong and also Paul Simon blotted his copy book with all that

a whim away type stuff no I like Grace Lange he's such a smug songwriter he is smug the only thing about Simon Garfunkel is that each of them

is half a brilliant musician like Art Garfunkel is a brilliant singer amazing singer he can't really write and Paul Simon is a really good writer but just a bit of a pretentious twat with Art Garfunkel is a brilliant singer, amazing singer. He can't really write. And Paul Simon is a really good writer,

but just a bit of a pretentious twat with Art Garfunkel kind of drawing him towards nice mainstream songs that people can enjoy. There's not much that she's between them. I prefer to think of them in their united form rather than divided into weaker constituents. I think most people do. Yes.

Yeah. What's your favourite Simon and Garfunkel hit? Well, I loved how Hearsay covered Bridge Over Troubled Water. Well, I really liked how Busted did... Which one did they do? Mrs. Robinson. Although, actually, I can't believe Busted would come up twice in this.

But that's also really a cover of the Lemonheads cover of Simon and Garfunkel, isn't it? Actually, I was watching The Graduate on telly just yesterday. Oh, what a life. It's a good movie. Well, it's good as well with Hello darkness, my old friend.

That's sound of silence, yeah. I think that might be my favourite, actually. You hate the sound of silence. I'll fill the sound of silence with my voice. Wow, you didn't rehearse that, but you both did it. We've been thinking it for about six years. Oi! Shut up and answer me this.

Come on then. Why don't you shut your ugly face? I'm not ugly, it's the condition. It's no condition, it's the tuggliness, mate. Answer me this. Come on then. Why don't you shut your ugly face? I'm not ugly. It's the condition. It's no condition. It's the tugginess, mate. Answer me this podcast at googlemail.com. Answer me this podcast at googlemail.com. Answer me this podcast at googlemail.com.

Now, I'm saying, seriously, though, go back to your own country. That's what we're all thinking, isn't it? It's what we're all thinking. I've got a question. I ain't got no questions. Don't look, go back to your own country. That's what we're all thinking, isn't it? It's what we're all thinking. I've got a question. I ain't got no questions. Don't look at me. Shut your mouth. Here's a question.

So, retrospectives, what historical events are we ticking off on this week's round of Today in History? On Monday, we bring you the real story of the mutiny on the bounty. On Tuesday, the anniversary of the day somebody invented the meatball. But who? On Wednesday, the iconic British car that ripped off an iconic American car. On Thursday, how American airlines invented air miles. And on Friday, the UFO sighting

that gripped colonial America. We discuss this and more on Today in History with The Retrospectors. 10 minutes each weekday, wherever you get your podcasts. Question from an anonymous person. Anonymous person says, my mother and I drove from Mill Hill in London to Costco in Watford.

We drove there to purchase these particular new potatoes we love from there. Wow. That's like a half hour drive just to get one product. Potatoes. That's like a Kenyan tribeswoman going to the well.

She just gets her new potatoes. And maybe walk 10 minutes. It's not even new potato season, so they're all potatoes at this stage. However, says anonymous person person when we got there the new potatoes were out of stock no so we bought a gazebo and a wheelchair and half a horse and 50 muffins for the price of one and a jacuzzi we were distraught i don't blame you there's only so many muffins you can fit in a jacuzzi but you could buy all the diamonds i mean you could fit loads of them in the jacuzzi but not for the price of a new potato packet.

Well, not far off. And you could get a lot of knock-off Crocs. I've really lost the thread of this conversation. Person in Costco wants new potatoes. They don't have any. That's as far as we go. Oh, right, okay. That's highly problematic.

But next to us, says an anonymous person, was an unattended trolley which had the potatoes we wanted. WTF? So after searching around and not finding an owner... How hard did you search, really? This is like when people find a stray cat and they're like, oh yeah, it's probably not got a microchip in it, so we won't take it to the vet.

Because it's cool. Yeah. An anonymous person responded to the lack of trolley ownership thusly. I grabbed the potatoes out of the unattended trolley and bought them, knowing fully well that that was probably the last of the potatoes in the store. Ollie answered me this. Was I breaking any laws by taking something out of someone's trolley? No, you haven't broken any laws.

Except for the laws of Costco, because Costco does have its own government. Well, actually, I mean, there's a serious point there, of course, which is that you can have terms of conditions for shopping in a place and i'm sure that if the store security saw you do that they wouldn't be very happy and they could chuck you out because it's their right to deny service to someone they're never going to be up by the potatoes though they're going to be next to the valuable objects they're going to be standing next to the plasma tvs you're going to be stealing potatoes um and it's and it's not actually a crime because you're still going to pay for the potatoes exactly different if you're in the car the point exactly

the point at which it becomes a legally enforceable matter is the point at which the property belongs to someone other than the store. But just someone putting it in their trolley, it doesn't belong to them. It still belongs to the store until you've paid for it. It's unethical. It's like BitSniper, isn't it? It's totally unethical. It's naughty.

But it's not illegal. Although, that said, I bet if there had been particular focus on those potatoes, say, for example, the potatoes were the new Nintendo Wii U on launch day. Right. You know, if people had been queuing for 10 hours to get those potatoes, then the police might consider that a more serious matter because it could have led to violence. If you grab the last Bud's light year in Hamleys.

Exactly. Yeah. Like in Jingle All The Way before he punches the reindeer. If it was like that. Take your word for it. Reindeer can be really grabby in Costco. Oh, yeah. oh yeah they deserve it yeah like when he kicks all the dwarves they deserved it too it's a really lovely film i haven't seen the film it's actually the worst christmas film ever made but in a brilliant way okay anyway um in that way uh i think there could

have been some uh police-led consequences had that been the case but since the new potatoes were not being watched and they're only bloody potatoes they had not been flagged yeah uh you hadn't stolen from the store i think what you've done is is hugely unethical but certainly not illegal all this fuss about potatoes though i just i just can't get behind it well see if you can get behind this helen it's a question about one of my favorite products to buy from costco one in the same to me multi Multi-purpose. But no, in fact, neither of those. Peanut butter. I buy my Skippy from Costco. Jordan in Canada says,

peanut butter has recently become an uneconomical luxury for my poultry student budget. Well, you should cut down on the poultry. It's good. It's good. It's fresh. Shut up, you guys. So, Helen, answer me this.

Is it possible, is it possible to make homemade peanut butter? Is it legal? And if so, what is the recipe? I'm pretty sure such information will be invaluable to your student demographic. Well, it certainly is possible, but it don't... Of course it is. It's possible to make everything, isn't it? Most recipes started as homemade recipes unless they're by Heston Blumenthal. People have even tried making Twinkies, even though they're not a food.

They're just chemicals puffed up to look like a sponge cake. Yeah. It is possible, but I think it might work out more expensive for your student budget, because... Well, this is the thing. You've got to make it en masse, haven't you? That's the... Yeah, and pad it out with loads of oil and water and stuff. Because it's the same with jam, isn't it? Jam, if you have a fruit tree in your garden and you have all day to cook it, it's cheaper.

But otherwise, if you're not making 20 jars of it, better to just go and get the value jam for a quid, isn't it? It does keep. If you've got the capital investment, you probably get decent value for money. Yeah. I'm sure you could Google peanut butter recipe and immediately it would tell you how to make it.

That is what I did. And the peanut butter recipe is as follows. Let me guess. Peanuts. Yeah, peanuts. Butter? No. Really? Roast the peanuts for six to eight minutes and then put them in a blender and whiz them up for at least a couple of minutes. You better be about to put

some lard and sugar in there, Helen, because otherwise this is going to taste like that organic shitty peanut butter you get in the Whole Foods shop. That's a bit like eating a beach. That is not funny. So add some oil as well before the whizzing. What sort of oil? Vegetable oil or ground nut oil. As soon as you're grinding nuts, why not?

Whizz that up. If you want it smooth, whizz it for longer. Add a little bit of sugar and salt to taste. Yeah, which means if you're trying to imitate Costco peanut butter, a bucket of sugar. A kilo of sugar. But you could just buy maybe a lower brand of peanut butter. I think where it saves actually is to make your own bread,

because you can make really nice bread and that doesn't cost very much. Yes, but then you have to really practice. Nah, it's easy. It's not easy. It is easy. It's not, Helen. I've made it more than you, so I say it is. Yeah, but that's exactly my point, though, isn't it?

You've made it more than me, so you think it's easy. I've tried three times. I've failed every time. That's because you've got weak hands. What? I can't knead the dough your hands are a bit more womanly than Helen's

that's an outrageous allegation I've tried making it in the oven I've tried making it in a bread maker you have to actually make the dough first you can't just put

the ingredients in the oven and expect the magic to happen that's where I went wrong I took a loaf of Kingsmill and I ground it up in a smoothie maker and I tried to make it back together

I poured a bag of flour into the toaster what gives? What can you buy for £7.99 on iTunes? That seems worth it. Kesha's new LP. Churchill's biography. Or an app that does jack shit.

For the same sum. You can get all the fun of five hours of our old stuff. We're selling the first three years of Answer Me This in iTunes. Most of it is good, just a little bit is guff. Go to answermethispodcast.com slash classic and click the link. And with your money we'll swaddle ourselves in nothing but the finest mink. Finest mink and gold shoes and diamond hats but normal pants. Hello Seattle Good night

I don't know what to do About the salad And scrambled eggs This is from Joe Who's there Who says I recently went On a first date

We had to salad And scrambled eggs I felt sick I thought it was going nicely But it ended somewhat abruptly At a bus stop When she was run over By a bus It does sound a bit like You pushed her in abruptly at a bus stop. When she was run over by a bus.

It does sound a bit like you pushed her in front of a bus, Jo. He continues, the next day I sent a text saying that I had a good time and would be glad to get together again. She replied, you as well, have a great holiday. Hey, that doesn't make sense. So yeah, I guess she meant it was nice to meet you as well. Have a great holiday. I think the point he's making is what she didn't say was brilliant let's meet up again next week so i'm free on thursday that kind of thing exactly yeah

so helen answer me this is she politely blowing me off presumably blowing off as in shunning rather than blowing off as in giving him a beach i think in the process of receiving one of those helen manners just doesn't come into it whether it's polite or impolite one is happy to receive um it's not a sex does it let's put it that way it's not no so uh yeah i think it does seem likely joe that that she is uh politely blowing you off but actually politely is the key here you know she's not being impolite she's not saying i had a bad time she's not listing your faults in detail she maybe she just didn't feel that spark and and she did reply that is polite yeah i think in a way it's depressing that this

is the best you can say for the text but it is something you can say i think there's a chance that she rated you three stars and she's like you know i'm gonna see if you yeah three um that she's gonna now maybe go and you know have a few other dates because that's what you do in the americas isn't it yeah and then maybe you know she'll come back to you perhaps if the others are even more disappointing than you are that's the feeling i'm getting it's not a complete blow-off no but it is polite it's a polite blow-off we're all agreed on that yeah sorry joe yeah well here is another question of conveying things to the people whom you're dating it's from danielle in canada who says i have a new boyfriend and we have yet to be intimate but I'm wondering this.

I have the talent of gushing or squirting at climax. What? Gushing or squirting, that's the same thing, though, surely. Okay. I mean, of course I don't find that unusual. My girlfriend does that every time I walk in the room. She does cry a lot. Ollie, answer me this. Is this

something that I should disclose to him and how or is this something to keep should disclose to him and how, or is this something to keep as a surprise? Right. I think the how is fairly self-evident, actually. But I think it probably is something to keep as a surprise. Yes, because, I mean, A, what if it doesn't actually happen with him? Yes, you've hyped it all up.

Oh, yeah. If you say, oh, yeah, any time a man touches me, I ejaculate, and then nothing happens, that could be very embarrassing. That is going to destroy him. It also puts performance pressure on the lady. Well, and also, secondly, I think if it does happen and he's not expecting it, he conversely will feel that it is something special that he's done, and that's nice, isn't it?

She says she's got a talent for this. Yeah, she can do it in patterns. That implies that she's got some control and she can choose whether to... Yeah, she's like the fountains in front of the Bellagio. That's quite good, though, because... And she's got little coloured lights as well, down there. That's a complex for Jazza. You're right that if she does not gush, then the man will be

upset. And, you know, there's this new app as well, which is, they want to do like a worldwide survey of men's penis length. Do they, or do they just want lots of pictures of knobs to get some Google juice? Come on, people, wake up. The app is essentially an electronic tape measure for your iPhone. and what it does is it measures your penis and then tells you what percentile you fall in so either you're by their reckoning above average or

below average i wonder if it changes whether you buy the premium version of the app what you paid 7.99 oh you are above average that's the biggest one i've ever seen i just don't want to press my balls against my phone i just i just to see the bell curve and what about the statistics? What if you're bigger than the phone? That's the problem. Well, of course, that's my first thought. And I have a Samsung Galaxy Note 2. I'm bigger than a phone box. I think I'm going to need to get one of those full-size iPads.

I need one of those new HD tablets they're using for the medical profession. Touchtable? Anyway. Anyway. From one gushing liquid to another, here's a question from Nick, who says, Helen, answer me this. Black ink or blue ink?

Coming out of your girlfriend? No, just, I think, in a pen. I don't tend to use ink outside of a pen. Me either. Well, it changes, Nick. It really depends on my mood. It doesn't for me. And what else is on the page?

I used to be very into black ink when I was at school because that seemed counter-cultural. Now I'm back to blue. Why did it seem counter-cultural? Because everyone was using blue. Were they? Yeah, idiots. See, I've always, my whole life,

maybe I'm just very conservative in this regard, I've always thought black looked more professional. I think once you've tried black, you don't go back. I've gone back. You have gone back. But I think you're atypical. It makes my handwriting look nicer. I think it's just, you know, for formal contracts,

it looks better. For drawing faces for formal contracts it looks better, for drawing faces on fruit it looks better. I can't really see a scenario where blue looks better. So I like red pen, but this option hasn't been given to us. That's angry. Well, red pen is my correction. No, but I'd like to reclaim red from the markers and say, because red's a very flamboyant, fun colour, isn't it?

It's very in-your-face. For proofreaders, it's our industry standard. What about silver pen? Whoa, that's for greetings cards. So seriously, why is there this phenomenon of the green pen letter? Why is green pen considered to be nutty? Well, it's like purple crushed velvet. Only lunatics wear that.

Usually with pictures of cats on. Drawn in green pen. Is there a thing with green pen? Yeah, the green ink brigade. Is it just because it's unorthodox? Don't act like this is a surprise. Is there a thing with the green pen? Yeah, the green ink brigade. Is it just because it's unorthodox? Don't act like this is a surprise. Like it's completely, there's no corroboration between your actual experience and the myth.

You must have seen letters from nutters that are in green ink. In the same way, listeners, we value all of your email correspondence, but those of you who aren't children, who send us emails that have backgrounds with teddy bears on. Or brightly coloured fonts that flash. Or write in brush script. Like, obviously, we're going to think you're a Meshuggahness straight away, like before you've said anything at all. So, I mean, I think

this is part of how we judge each other, isn't it? Correspondence the same as fashion. Yeah, you know, if someone writes to you in blood, you draw certain conclusions that may not be fair. You know, sometimes when I buy a multi-pack of barrows, Ollie, it contains a yellow one. Now, what use is that? I wonder if some look better under

like neon lights maybe there's some niche condition where you're supposed to use your yellow pen I heard from someone the other day that when you go into immigration at the US you know when they scan your passport under that neon light apparently is if they think you're a bit fishy but they can't quite work out why. Because they think you're from

the Middle East. That can be one reason. The other thing can be just that you've answered one of their questions in a slightly indecisive way, but they can't pin anything on you. I was jet lagged all right. Exactly, I know. You've been travelling for 14 hours. Why are they always trying to screw with my mind?

Well, you care what the name of my friend is that I'm staying with. But anyway, apparently what they can do is take a little bit of that UV ink and just dab the outside of your passport with it so that in the future, whenever an immigration official scans the passport at that point, they and just dab the outside of your passport with it so that in the future whenever an immigration official scans the passport at that point they'll just have that indication that

little signal from a previous immigration official that maybe something's up and apparently that is why some people do every time they go and they say oh i'm always getting picked on because of this and this it might just because at some point you've come across as a bit of a lunatic and they've marked you out if you are one of those people then maybe you are the person for whom those useless otherwise useless passport covers are made. Yeah, so that you could change the cover. Yes. That's true.

If you're always getting pulled over by Immigration Officials, change your passport cover. Go to Cath Kidston and get a passport cover. They'll never suspect you again. Just wipe it down with an alcohol. I thought I'd do the same job. Would it?

Does that take away UV pen? Well, I assume it's... Either it's water-based or solvent-based and alcohol probably do both, I would have thought. Well, my passport's covered in alcohol anyway, for obvious reasons. Answer me this. 1066 was the Norman invasion. 1818 was the publication of persuasion.

Wasn't it? I love that book, they all wear bonnets. I got my own with a pretty flower on it Don't I? I'm worried though, I think it makes me look a little bit effeminate Time for a question from Natalie from Cornwall who says On my 33rd birthday, my mum told me she prays for me despite being a lapsed Catholic It's not the best presents for me despite being a lapsed catholic it's not the

best present that you could get as a lapsed it's certainly a last minute present isn't it i mean there's digital download vouchers and then there's if you've forgotten to do that just telling someone i prayed for you today oh hi natalie i got you the best present of all natalie continues i thought this was very kind my mother praying for me until she mentioned that she prays that my life will turn out okay and that i'll succeed what's wrong with that it's nice for a parent to have your success at their heart well we're about to find out it's better than her saying i pray that natalie will die miserable alone and failing well this is the thing i i think that's exactly right helen but we'll we'll we'll get on to natalie's question and then we'll come back to that thought.

She says, this isn't the first time I've had the you're a bit of a failure, aren't you line thrown at me. So you see, this is how she's interpreted this. I see. So this is more about Natalie looking at her mother's positive and turning it into a negative because maybe Natalie has low self-esteem. Possibly. Or unfinished business in her own mind. As friends have sometimes alluded to the fact that i have a degree good a levels and all that jazz how much jazz do you have all that jazz helen loads of it jazz oodles of jazz self-replicating all the jazz yet i'm quote just

running a gardening business and i'm still single oh... All of your other achievements are wiped out by that. And could have been, and I quote, so much more. Oh, what are your friends doing? Are they all so bloody great? Well, this is the thing. So Helen answered me this. Why, when I run my own business doing a job I enjoy, rent a lovely flat overlooking the beach... Only renting, you see, Natalie.

You fail by not owning it and not owning the beach. And have you not seen what's happening this year, living on floodplains? Oh, and on erodible cliffs. And I generally have lots of kind, nice friends and have a tip-top time. Oh, good. Why do other people feel the need to disparage this and try to make me feel like a failure? Because other people are horrible. Well, well, all right all right okay i'll finish the

question and then i'll do a lot of lots of thoughts to park along uh who the heck gets to judge what is success saint peter at the gate um and um de bretts yeah since when did having brains mean you have to have a corporate career amen about 1982 Should I marry the first idiotic rich bloke I meet and pop out a sprog to validate my own existence? I think obviously not, to that rhetorical question. Just because I don't have a million in the bank and a coronary-inducing stressful job... Well, you live in Cornwall.

How many people do have coronary-inducing stressful jobs in Cornwall? Well, just as well, because they've got coronary-inducing food. Have you seen Deadliest Catch? I'm deemed to have lost all the pieces for the game of life. No, you haven't. They're under the sofa.

So, Helen, answer me this. What is wrong with people, especially my own mother? Well, your mother, I think it's different for your parents, because parents generally, I think they're always worried. But the words you've quoted of your mothers don't necessarily seem that disparaging. Your friends, however,

suggesting that you should have been so much more. Where is that coming from? I feel that a lot, that I've wasted the belief that others have in me by not living up to my potential, but they don't say it. I mean, there was one friend who said that Martin was holding me back,

but she's probably right. Yeah, that's fair. So I can just describe all of my life failings to being with martin yeah well sort of if holding you back means subsidizing your career as a podcaster then yes although i'm not sure what you running a city bank would look like and i'd be frightened to live in that world even more than the one hey bonuses for everybody um i think sometimes this is just a case of people justifying their own choices by reflecting what they've done, because maybe it is right for them and they genuinely are happy,

onto other people and assuming if they don't have it, they're not happy too. Maybe your friends aren't necessarily the most empathetic bunch, or maybe they're unhappy and they're taking it out on you, because if you're happy, why are you rude to other people? Yeah, with the friends, maybe there's an element of sacrifice there. If you're the sort of person that's sacrificed having a relaxed job, having some nice friends, doing something you enjoy, because you want to be, in a bit of a sense,

successful and high status and have a lot of money and a big house, then when you see people who don't do that and they seem to be having quite a nice time, you have to find reasons to justify it to yourself. Exactly, yes. I think they are justifying their own choices. But I think it is slightly more complicated

with the relationship and children thing I mean it's generally accepted if you ask most people In the street in the world They'd say that one of the things that typically does Make people happy is finding a soulmate and someone To live with It's not for everyone some people prefer to be alone But generally speaking it's not a surprise

That your friends might feel that if you haven't got a man yet Which is what you seem to be alluding to Because tick tick tick tick tick tick tick 33 natalie tick tick tick tick exactly that that may be a problem and with the children thing as well you may have decided that you don't want children at all but if you haven't and more to the point your mum might be thinking even if you have later you might come to regret it again tick tick tick that's a bit complicated because you are at that age where you do have to make a decision i suppose people are just checking with you that you're happy with that decision and again it's not a comfortable conversation necessarily but you can't be

that surprised that people are having it with you i think however i'm impressed natalie that you do seem pretty content because i think me too and i think that's good yes it's great because with all these people going your gardening business is not good enough you've gone no it is good enough thank you and i'm very happy thank you and I think that takes a lot of presence of mind. So well done you. And because I found with the career path that I've taken, that there are some people who I've drifted away from because they don't really understand the following of an unconventional route.

And the things that speak success to them are not necessarily the same that I feel successful by. Yes, well, this is it. You've got to live by your own rules, haven't you, to an extent? Oh, I'm tired of my own rules. Well, actually, if you live in Cornwall, there's very few people implementing any other kind of rules, so you might as well,

to be honest. Yeah, but you have to put the cream on top of the jam. Or you're beheaded. But whatever rules you live under and however you live your life, we welcome all here. We're a broad church, even if you don't believe in church. Even if you don't believe in broadness. Yeah. But if you see us, you would. And we welcome your questions. As always, the details

about how you can send us one of those by phone, email or Skype are listed on our website. AnswerMeThisPodcast.com And on that website you can also find our first three years worth of episodes which are on sale for 79 pence each. And our albums which are on sale for

249 each. No money at all. A trifle, listeners, on sale for... 249? 249 each, yeah. No money at all. A trifle, listeners, to you, but a great deal to me. It's like we're Mr Wendell and you're all the band Arrested Development. Yes.

Something like that. No one's going to get that reference. No, listeners. The ones of you that get that reference right in and prove Martin wrong would be right. Bye!