Answer Me This! - AMT247: Corgis, Armageddon and Bedroom Antics

Episode Date: February 21, 2013

Corgis, Armageddon and Bedroom Antics Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Could I steal an Oscar without anyone knowing? Have to be this, have to be this If you're not Anne Hathaway, should you even bother going? Have to be this, have to be this Helen and Ollie, have to be this We start this week with good news! Yay! That's the best kind of news! It is, yes.

Unless there's a really weird serial killer. Or, actually, if there's just breaking news and you're really desperate to follow all the latest developments, you're happy for not all of it to be good, aren't you? Let's be honest. Good news is boring on telly. Unfolding news, you want to be dramatic. Yeah, as long as they're not just showing the same picture

they stole off someone's Twitter feed. You want the variety of visuals. Anyway, I mean, this is good news, but it's also dramatic because, of course, it's from one of our lovely listeners. It's from Branwyn, I mean, this is good news, but it's also dramatic because, of course, it's from one of our lovely listeners. It's from Branwyn, who says, I am the woman for the man who asked about tongue kissing. This is in relation to Chris from Cardiff, Australia's email last week. He said he had a short tongue and he didn't see the point of kissing with tongues.

We suggested that he meet someone with a long tongue. Make up the short for. But Branwyn has written in very excited from the short tongue perspective. She says, until I was 19 years old, my tongue was forked. Wow. And held down until the tip by an extra bit of skin anchoring it to my mouth. As a result, I had a very short tongue. Oh, so she understands Chris's problem. She's been there, she's lived it.

Yeah, but she's gone through it, Helen, because she says, anyway, age 19, I underwent a small operation to have said bit of extra skin removed. The best bit of this rather humiliating surgery was that when the skin is cut, the tongue lolls out of your mouth at great speed before snapping back in.

That does sound like the best thing about a thing. Even after the operation, my tongue remains farcically flaccid. I know you're not a dating service, but I didn't know there was a community of fellow short-tongued folk out there. Well, we don't know if there's a community. You're all on your own.

So can you put me in touch or at least read some of this out to let us all know we're not alone? chris in cardiff australia if you uh fancy uh buddying up with branwyn of the long tongue then do get in touch we'll pass on your details to each other i don't know what country branwyn's in if she's not in australia then even her tongue's probably not long enough to reach it fancy a bit of branwyn martin hey i'm married of course hypothetically though i'm not suggesting i'm just saying right here well here's a question of size from greg who says ollie answer me this why don't king-size pot noodles come with king-size sachets unbelievable all of the

achievements of the modern world and this outrage still occurs and nobody's talking about it the papers never cover this horse meat horse meat recession civil wars this is actually the very nature of supersizing though isn't it you know it creates the impression to the consumer because you're getting 25 percent more noodle for your buck that you are actually getting more value for money whereas actually it's all about profit margins, isn't it? This is how supersizing works. Of course they're not going to make a larger sachet of horrible powder to sprinkle on your disgusting noodles.

Most people don't notice that. I imagine it works a bit like the aquarium cleaning fluid that I put in my goldfish tank. Oh, it probably tastes worse than the aquarium cleaning fluid. Because you get the same sachet size, whether you've got like a 10 litre tank or an 80 litre tank because you get the same sachet size whether you've got like a 10 litre tank or an 80 litre tank it's the same sachet and i always think well hold on that gonna kill the goldfish putting that much in like putting as much as you put into a giant aquarium yeah it's a little goldfish bowl but no it doesn't because it's made of algae or

whatever right and actually it's in such concentration uh that it will do the job for a large pool or for a little one. It's kind of like that. I think that stuff is so potent that you sprinkle on your pot noodle that it makes no difference whether it's diluted by an extra tiny cup full of water. It derains that pot noodles are still available. Who is eating them? Which sickos are eating them? Come forward, listeners, and tell us why you persist with this madness.

Well, apparently they make 155 million pots per year, which I find absolutely extraordinary because there aren't that many people in the country. So therefore, does that mean... That's two each, isn't it? Well, this is the thing, yeah. And I don't know anyone who eats pot noodles. I'm not saying these people don't exist.

You're very middle class, sorry. It's only the upper classes that eat them. Exactly. Does it mean that really, really posh aristocratic people are eating, like, what, five a day? It's none of your specialty, you know. It must be that some people actually pretty much live on pot noodles, which is quite depressing, isn't it? Is it not a snack available in other countries?

It's very British, isn't it? Why, because it's food that tastes of shit that you can reanimate with some kettle water and other countries don't fall for that so easily. No, because the marketing actually they've always gone for has been very sort of laddish, sort of working class, quite bullish, hasn't it? Oi, men, you probably can't cook, can you? You can probably boil a kettle if your mum shows you how. So just put water on this thing and then eat it like the slob that you are. And that wouldn't work in France, would it?

Because everyone in France is taught how to make a roulette at kindergarten. This is James McAndrew from Oldham, Hampshire. Great little town. Just wondering, why is Armageddon such a shit movie? Well, that's very easy. It's because Michael Bay is the director. His name is basically Cockney rhyming slang for shit film. Although Brett Ratner

is both a better sounding rhyming slang and an even shitter director. Yeah, but when you team up Brockheimer and Bay then you know you're in for a real shit storm. Unless course you're a 14 year old boy which i pretty much was when armageddon came out so i thought it was amazing i enjoyed it too as a as a teenager but i think i went to see it twice oh god but then that was once for each of liv tyler's tits but i don't think i'd see it twice now i haven't watched armageddon since the late 90s so from memory uh i think it's a bit of a shit film because it's got too many endings.

So I remember the last 40 minutes is just one ending followed by another ending followed by another ending. They probably screened in front of test audiences of 14 year old boys and they were like no it needs to end like this and then they just had to make another ending. I've never seen this one. This is one with Steve Buscemi playing up an asteroid. The cast is quite good. Steve Buscemi, Owen Wilson's in it. Billy Bob Thornton.

Yeah. Fascinating fact about Armageddon. Are you ready? Yeah. The Armageddon actors are the only civilians to ever have worn actual NASA spacesuits. That's just disgusting, isn't it? Which cost $3 million each. I don't believe that. I actually don't believe that because...

Surely someone working at NASA has tried them on. Well, yes, that. But also, actually, even in terms of films that pay tribute to the incredible work of the NASA astronauts, surely, I mean, what about Apollo 13, for God's sake? Ron Howard spent three hours blowing smoke up NASA's arse in that film. Surely he got to wear a spacesuit. But I wonder whether they had easier-to-film replicas, because those spacesuits must be very heavy and you can barely move in them.

I thought they were fitted to individuals. It must be, then, that there had been previously some astronauts who were the exact same size as Steve Buscemi. Yeah, but hold on. This factoid isn't saying necessarily that what you see them wearing on the screen are the NASA suits because in all likelihood those are going to be insured up to the eyeballs, right? Even the likes of Bruce Willis cannot go walking around in a NASA space suit.

I bet Bruce Willis would piss in a NASA space suit if he was wearing one. Can't trust him. So I suspect that if they did get to wear them That would be part of their quotes research Or quote press shots Well exactly I think they probably spent a day at NASA didn't they And they got to try and see

That's not what they're wearing in the film Because they're doing ridiculous stunts in the film Where they're jumping through fire Yeah but they might not be wearing the spacesuits then I mean there's quite a lot where Ben Affleck's just wearing normal clothes He's not in space I don't remember Was it that Affleck and willis were a sort of father son dynamic affleck was uh going out with bruce willis's daughter right which is live tyler yeah

so bruce willis was disapproving because affleck was a bit of a flake on the oil rig whereas at the end he was like i'm gonna sacrifice myself for the asteroid but uh ben affleck is sufficient to take over for me in live tyler's life because obviously she is not sufficient on her own without a man yes yeah that's sort of what happens in les mis isn't it a little bit that's all about him saying like okay yeah i will save you from the barricades and walk through a sewage of shit because yeah okay my daughter quite likes you even though you've only sung at each other through a bush and then i'm gonna nuke an asteroid that was the alternate ending do you hear the people drill you've got a question then email your question to answer me this podcast at googlemail.com Answer me this

Podcast at googlemail.com Answer me this Podcast at googlemail.com So retrospectives, what historical events are we ticking off on this week's run of Today in History? On Monday, we bring you the real story of the mutiny on the bounty. So, Retrospecters, what historical events are we ticking off on this week's run of Today in History? On Monday, we bring you the real story of the mutiny on the bounty. On Tuesday, the anniversary of the day somebody invented the meatball, but who? On Wednesday, the iconic British car that ripped off an iconic American car.

On Thursday, how American airlines invented air miles. And on Friday, the UFO sighting that gripped colonial America. We discuss this and more on Today in History with The Retrospectors. Ten minutes each weekday, wherever you get your podcasts. So yeah, send an email to that address, and we may choose the question that you send us to be in a future edition of the podcast. If you would like to know how that process happens in quite a lot of detail, then this is your lucky week. If you hate mystery and love the mechanics of entertainment

that previously you just enjoyed for face value then do check out our interview on the Little Atoms podcast. That's right. This is a man called Neil Denny. He does a show. It's normally about science. It's not just science.

It's generally intelligent people. But he's clearly making an exception for us. We're obviously not suited to his show under normal criteria. But he has started doing specials about podcasts podcasters on podcasting podcasters on so if you like listening to podcasters talking about podcasting in a podcast uh yeah little atoms seek it out on itunes now we'll put the link on our website answer me this podcast.com as well yes let's do that here's a question from katherine

who says this year i turned 30 with two close friends I've planned The trip of a lifetime Your close friends At Trailfinders And we have purchased Our round the world tickets That is good isn't it That is good Be cynical as you like

Round the world That does cover a lot of destinations Unless you never get off the plane You're just in it for the flying Some people do love the flying More than the destinations Don't they Most people are wrong

To travel hopefully Is better than to arrive Unless you're travelling on a plane in which case always better not to be on the plane i agree anyway katherine's very excited good as she says here i am so excited i'm excited on your behalf katherine however one of the friends i am traveling with will not have her photo taken without making a massive fuss she puts her hands in front of her face, squeals, shouts, or ducks out of the picture. That's going to be difficult for the passport, is it not? The upshot is every photo you manage to take of her

is of her trying not to have her photo taken, so of course she looks a dick in photos. Hey, we've all got our photo thing that makes us look like a dick. Ollie points. I pull a funny face. I don't reduce my uh photo skills to just pointing and i also do double thumbs up that's true and a kind of mad eye that's like your blue steel that's amazing what i'm doing is i'm saying i'm not taking myself seriously in this photo

therefore if i look like a dick so be it so there is an element of that isn't there like you know that's kind of what this self-defensive thing comes from i think uh but katherine continues i'm not tolerant of this my feeling about this sort of behavior and therefore by extension my sort of behavior it's all about ollie man is that it is a fishing for compliments exercise much akin to telling friends i'm so ugly and waiting for a chorus of disagreement well what it does have in common with those behaviors is that it suggests some insecurity yes you should be sympathetic to that. You should be sympathetic, but also you should be trying to help her rather than just going,

oh, for fuck's sake. Well, that's not what she's doing. She is doing very much for that thing. She's not tolerant of this, she said. Having a photo taken is only a second of your life, she says, unless you make a honking great deal out of it. Well, having the photo taken is a second of your life, but the photo lasts forever.

Actually, I don't agree that it's only a second of your life. It's often, if you were looking at the clock, it's at least a minute and a half, isn't it? The shutter hasn't gone yet. Wait, wait. My smile's getting tired. Oh, hold on. I'm doing video by mistake.

Sorry. Oh, no, you blinked in that one. Oh, let's do it again. Minute and a half. Jesus. I want photos of my holiday, says Catherine. Fair enough.

And I want photos of my friend on holiday with me. Despite the irritations, I do love her. Well, if this is her main flaw, then I think you're pretty lucky. So Helen, answer me me this how do i go two months without this being the cause of a massive falling out honestly girls and without the joy being sucked out of every moment i'm enjoying enough to want to record well i think the joy being sucked out that's really you letting

this problem into too much totally yes have an argument about something that is important rather than this. Well, also, I think you've got to be quite supportive to her to suggest that it's a positive thing if she wants to change rather than going, oh, I've got this irritating habit. That will make her more defensive and more insecure, probably. Just take pictures where she's not aware of you taking pictures. She's staring out at a lovely landscape. Snap.

And then showing it to her and saying, oh, you look really lovely in this photo. Maybe that's the start to building her pleasure in her own appearance. Look, standing next to and saying oh you look really lovely in this photo maybe that's the start to building her her pleasure in her own appearance look standing next to this mountain you look really thin uh also maybe if she's on holiday she'll be a bit more relaxed could that be something to do with it yeah that's true because katherine's talking um preemptively here isn't she yeah and you don't know what uh two months away might do to a person's sense of well-being yeah you could team up with your other friend uh that's going the third you haven't mentioned their personality flaw i assume they've got one there's just as joy sapping and um and see if if they can help if they can aid and abet you so you

could be like hey girls like to get a picture of you with this palm tree and the other friend grabs that girl and sort of holds her arms so she can't put them in front of her face so at least although probably not a pretty photo because she'll look a bit like a prisoner being led away it's a start or uh just start a tumblr called my stupid friend with her hands in front of her face.com i don't think that's a solution but the point is if you've got lots of photos we're all over the world it could be like that guy who went did you remember dancing he went dancing in like 50 different destinations around the world in the early days of the internet yeah couldn't it be like that like around the world with katherine's friend in every photo she's doing the same pose almost like she's been photoshopped on got her hands in front of her face actually

give me an idea and it's based on those memes of which you mentioned you know like when people take a plastic lobster or a garden gnome yeah photograph everywhere take something with you and ask her to hold it in front of landmarks and maybe that will get her more comfortable with the camera because she's doing something and it's a bit silly that's not bad actually because the focus is on the gnome or whatever yeah i mean obviously it's stupid to take a gnome or a plastic lobster on holiday but you're helping so it's okay and it depends where you're going people in the third world don't have gnomes they might treat it as a king you do hear that don't you from like really worthy students where they're like oh yeah yeah i mean i

was on my gap year in zambia and i mean what they really need there is pencils so we just had loads of pencil you're like no what they really need is money maybe some wells on holiday martin and i like taking multiple pictures of uh things that look like cocks yeah it's great it's a good little meme that's just on your facebook yeah the other thing we like taking pictures of is our meals yeah because that's that's fun when you're on holiday and sometimes a waiter will come across they do you want me to take a picture of the both of you we're like no it's a picture of the food we don't want to remember what we look like in this context you find it odd when someone else chooses a photo of you that they think you look nice in yeah this happened with them when we had our book published we went to the book publishers to see the back cover and they've

chosen photos of the two of us to go sort of headshot and little biog of us and honestly the one they'd chosen of me looked like nazi propaganda of what a jew looks like i can't believe that's the picture they've chosen however they took i think nearly 600 photos of us for that photo shoot and there is not a single one in which i'm not pulling a slight moron face there is actually one amazing photo which we've yet to use anywhere i'm strangling you with a mic and you're doing your cross-eyed look cross-eyed many chins oh it's exquisite should we put that on facebook for this episode yeah right listeners now go to facebook.com slash answer me this to see literally the funniest picture of helen ever

and we've never used it because i've been sitting on it thinking what are we going to use this for Right, listeners, now go to facebook.com slash answer me this to see literally the funniest picture of Helen ever. And we've never used it because I've been sitting on it thinking, what are we going to use this for? We're going to use it now. Funnier than my wedding pictures. Radio 4 is on 24-7, but that's not enough recorded speech for me. So I'll trot off to answer me this podcast.com slash Audible And download more for free Like Lord of the Rings

Starring Sir Michael Gordon And Michelin Web series 1 to 4 Just a minute, Alan Bennett Down the line, Ross Noble And the best of BBC News Hour Sounds awesome Audiobooks are great, aren't they, Helen? Yes, they very much are, Ollie

And which one has been delighting your ears lately? I've been listening to Full Disclosure by Andrew Neil Oh, really? It's not as much Full Disclosure as I would like For example, what the funky hell is going on in his hair? And did Diane and Michael ever get it on on the This Week sofa? That's not covered It's a book that he wrote, I think, in the early 90s.

And it's about working with Rupert Murdoch when he was the editor of the Sunday Times. So if you're interested in the machinations of News Corp, read in that beautiful Scottish lilting voice, little hint of irony and sarcasm here and there, full disclosure by Andrew Neil. If you're thinking, what do I want for my free audiobook? Try that one.

I'm slightly regretting the fact that I read Robert Evans' The Kid Stays in the Picture rather than get it as an audiobook because judging by my friend Amy's impression of this audiobook it's the greatest audiobook of all time because it's just a man going for hours and hours, and did I fire her?

You bet your ass I did! I should try that one. Yeah, you should. you should well listeners if any of you want to try that as part of our free audiobook trial then let me know if it's as great as amy makes it sound and you can get your free trial by going to answer me this podcast.com slash audible and clicking through you do have to put your credit card details in but do not worry you will not get charged if you cancel your free trial within 30 days you get to keep your free audiobook they'll never find it again and please do take up the trial listeners because it is one of the ways that we can afford to keep the show going that's right you not only

get free content for you to listen to you support this free content it's a good deal hi helen and ollie it's michael from boston here i've noticed that corgis are adorable. I don't really understand why they exist, though, and why the royal family seems to love them so much. So, Helen and Ollie, answer me this. Why does the queen love corgis so much? And did she name them corgis? Or is that a reference to something that I don't fully understand? Thanks. Well, it might be, because I don't know how much of a grasp Americans have upon the various different parts of the British Isles, and corgi

is a Welsh word from the country of Wales. Cor meant dwarf and gi meant dog, because it's a little dwarfy dog. But there's also dorgies, aren't there, which are crosses between dashrooms and corgis, which the Queen has.

Really? Yeah, the Queen has two... They're not bona fide corgis? No, she has some that are and some that aren't. Two corgis, Holly and Willow, and two doggies,

Candy and Vulcan. Those are names that do not go together. Holly and Willow plants. Yes. Candy, Candy. Yeah. Vulcan?

Yeah. That's that bomber, isn't it? They're basically porn names, aren't they? Candy and Vulcan. I think Harry named those. But I presume the Queen loves them because they're essentially the only beings she comes into contact with ever who don't know anything about her celebrity status. Yeah, but that's not exclusive to corgis as a particular dog breed.

Why does she like corgis? I mean, they are nice. Well, actually, no, but to be fair, she doesn't just like corgis as a particular dog breed. Why does she like corgis? I mean, they are nice. Well, actually, no, but to be fair, she doesn't just like corgis. She also likes horses, for example. No, no, but why doesn't she dabble in other dog breeds? Just for fun. I know.

Why not a beagle? I'm just saying. The contact with animals, I think that's part of it. Why the corgi rather than another breed of dog? Yeah. They do fit quite well with her lifestyle because she does a lot of outdoorsy stuff, doesn't she? And they're good for walks. They like to go for long walks.

They're very energetic. At the same time, they're very small. So if you have to sit in an apartment all day... Or in a massive palace. But also it's to do with her family history. She was introduced to her first corgi, Susan, for her 18th birthday. Susan's not the name of a dog.

That's the name of a personal assistant. Susan the dog has got her own Wikipedia page, Martin. And every royal dog since has been descended from susan the corgi okay fair enough so it's a nostalgic link to her childhood her parents and a time before she was of course knowing that she was gonna be queen yeah so it's a bit like the corgis like the royal family the corgis have succeeded to their position in the royal kennel now well sort of although they've made it very clear that they're not breeding anymore uh because apparently the queen used to personally be involved in the breeding what she used to wank off the dogs or something not quite but they're different heights her dogs and she's alluded to the fact that to

get two of them to breed she did used to put one on a brick and she said it as if she personally had the brick and she she was there doing it it's like those um not doing it but you know supervising the doing it it's like those cushions that some people have to raise their hips during a sexual intercourse but she's very personally involved. I mean, this is all gossip, obviously. You never know with royal stuff because it never gets refuted. The Queen loves to watch dogs jogging.

But apparently, she personally feeds them and stuff. Like, they have tea as well as the royal family themselves. They actually have tea. They drink tea? No, no, not the liquid, but the crumpets and the sandwiches.

Oh, wow. So every day, the dogs get buttered crumpets and the Queen apparently breaks them up personally and puts them on the floor. And every day there is a corgi menu that goes up next to the adult menu of what the dogs are getting.

It has to be fresh food. And apparently the queen threw an absolute epi one year when it wasn't going to be fresh food. It was going to be frozen food. And I bet she put the flag at half mast for that, but not for Diana without a fight. Apparently they piss everywhere as well. Oh, because they've

got butlers to clean up the piss they don't need to house train them also if you're taking a corgi out in a palace you've got to walk miles i think it's her own little quiet dirty protest isn't it because everyone always says the queen is so refined and so perfect and so well attuned and does everything perfectly not everyone says that well republicans don't no okay but people who come into contact with her say that she fulfills her role with great elegance and decorum. She's a classy bird. Yes. Isn't it great then to have a dog that just pisses on semantic furniture next to you? Because you're just like, well it's the dog, can't do anything about it. But apparently it's her choice

not to have them house trained. She's a secret punk. She also apparently personally makes up their Christmas stockings. What? What does she buy in it? Well, according to the Daily Mail, so it must be true, chocolate drops, crackers, not the adult crackers we were discussing last week I suspect. Bang! And plastic toys with the squeakers removed apparently that's a very specific thing can't have the squeakers in it couldn't you just buy a toy that never had a

squeaker in it again you would think so wouldn't you but the royals have got to go one better well maybe the squeaker gets you maybe prince philip keeps the squeaker for practical jokes i don't know what happens to the squeaker the queen uh because she's obviously a bit of a rebel, she just puts them down under the rugs so the elderly relatives get the fright of their life. Here's another question of animals from Holly in Muswell Hill, who says, I was at the zoo on Saturday. Holly, answer me this. Who invented the first zoo?

And what was the first animal to inhabit it? Interestingly, there is a royal connection, having just talked about Elizabeth II. Right, I'm not that surprised, because it seems to me like royals would have been the people who had the wherewithal and the whim to have exotic animals kept in cages for their amusement. Isn't the wherewithal and the

whim a Mumford Dinson's album? Having just talked about Elizabeth II, it's actually Elizabeth I who opened up the Lion Tower in the Tower of London to the public in the 16th century lion tower yes now the reason they had a lion tower in the tower of london is because henry the third in 1235 received a wedding gift of three leopards from frederick the second that is quite i mean it's not like receiving some china that wasn't exactly what you put on your list but you

can still keep it in a china cupboard leopards require special attention but i think what you're saying isn't it as a monarch giving it to another monarch is that only people like us are able to give each other gifts like this this is a symbol of our incredible stature hundreds of years later it then became a tradition that the royals kept uh big cats in the lion tower well because otherwise what are you going to keep in there ladders it wasn't called the lion tower before there were lions in it, I suspect. That'd be great, wouldn't it? If just calling a thing a thing made it so. If I could just have a Disney tower in my house. That's your DVD collection.

Anyway, hundreds of years passed and Elizabeth I was like, right, well, let's open this up to the public. That would be a good thing to do. So technically, you could say that was the first zoo, but it did only have one type of animal in it. Yeah, so I think that's not a zoo really. Fine. So, in that case do you go for the one that was the first to call itself a zoo or the one that was the first to display a menagerie of animals?

Give me both and then I'll decide my favourite. Okay. The first menagerie was Vienna Zoo. Okay. Which opened to the public in 1765. I bet there was still a royal connection there because they would have had super rich monarchs there. Yes, indeed.

It was in the Schönbrunn Palace, in fact. Right. So yes, again, it was previously a privately owned royal collection that then got opened to the public, but later than Elizabeth's one, 1765, but with a mix of animals. And now they've got some wonderful taxidermy in their Natural History Museum there.

I wonder whether that's related. I wonder. First to call itself a zoo okay london zoo really when 1828 wow um because it always had the zoological study element to it uh and then it became known as the zoo well it's such a mouthful isn't it it is although actually i'm not sure that in the long run they've really helped themselves by referring to themselves in this slangy way because people kids especially don't necessarily know the zoo comes from zoological and the study of zoology and so when people sort of propagate ideas about zoos being harmful places for animals or places where animals uh you know endangered animals aren't well treated they're missing the point that the original connection was to laboratories and studying

yeah well I've been to some zoos where that original collection to laboratories is all silted. You know, a massive bear in a tiny cage with a concrete floor, that is a depressing sight. No, it is sometimes. And actually, sometimes as well, you visit places like SeaWorld, for example, does push in quite a heavy-handed way,

or perhaps heavy-flippered way, if you prefer, the fact that it's all about conservation. And you're like, well, no, it's not. It's about making killer whales dance. Well, it is to you. After my commute, when I find the time, I can always send a question to the question line. Inquiries are wanted as a part of the plan.

I'll have Helen, or Ollie, or Martin, the sound man. Answer me this podcast. Podcast at maryl.com. Answer me this podcast. Podcast at maryl.com. Time for a question from Emily who says, I have been trying to quit smoking after constant arguments with my BF about it. Best friend, beef flaps. I think it's boyfriend. I think she's using the smash hits abbreviation

for boyfriend there. Banana farmer. Actually, they used to say boif, didn't they? Not even BF. Adults are not allowed to say boif. So she's abbreviated it down to BF, but actually this is a really long email. There was no need.

Anyway, I've been trying to quit smoking after constant arguments with my boyfriend about it i smoked before he met me however he doesn't understand that it's very difficult to go cold turkey from 20 cigarettes a day but last night i felt the unshakable need to sneak off and have a cheeky smoke resist emily don't do it resist i can i can sympathise a bit because since giving up coffee last year, which I haven't talked about to anyone at all ever, just all the time. You're so brave. I have been known to have a cheeky mocker and a bourbon in the afternoon.

Your probation's going to get revoked. I decided, continues Emily, that with a lockable door and an extractor fan, the bathroom was the best option. I couldn't leave the house because he'd be suspicious at 10pm. What kind of prison are you living in? So, I ran a bath, got in and started to smoke. Halfway through my smoke, he bangs on the door, says he's desperate for a wee. Well, he can't leave the house because you'd be suspicious at 10pm.

And having one of those locks that you can open with a coin... What? These sound like terrible locks. I agree. He bursts into the bathroom. I quickly put my cigarette in the water and tuck it under my leg. Okay. He then got very suspicious at my flustered face and quick movement. But not at the smell of smoking.

And said, were you masturbating? Thinking this was a golden opportunity to get out of another row, I said yes. Of course you did. Accusatory questions are never that golden opportunity. It's an inoffensive lie, isn't it? It's your first stop that one, isn't it? Why haven't you done your homework, son? Sorry, mum, I was wanking. Oh, very well. It's an important part of your

personal development. He immediately started crying and said that he'd suspected for a while that he wasn't enough for me in the bedroom. God, it's like the gender roles have reversed because there are all these women who write to problem pages going, my boyfriend masturbates because I'm not enough. And they're going, no, it's just perfectly normal. It's sort of a different need And they're going, no, it's just perfectly normal.

It's sort of a different need. Yeah, well, actually, that's the thing. You would think, as a man with manly needs, that he might appreciate that. He would, but maybe he's not very empathetic. He said he was sorry that he had driven me to doing this. The sin of self-pleasurement. Half an hour later, and he still stood there crying.

She's like, excuse me, I've got to type this email while you cry. And saying how sorry he was and asking what he could do to improve his bedroom antics well being a bit less of a whinger would be good perhaps framing them not as antics would help i'm in um i had to remain Continues Emily In the freezing bath Hiding the now soggy tobacco residue In the crook of my knee Desperately trying to explain That it wasn't him

It's just sometimes A girl needs to have a bath time fiddle What a situation I hope this has made you give up smoking once and for all Because it's such a hassle I feel wretched I'm sorry Emily But the situation has got that tense during the

build-up to sex that if I own up now, all hell will break loose and I fear for the future of my relationship. Just one cigarette. This should be the anti-smoking ad version. Yes. Not those lungs dripping with the lung fat and tar.

A woman being forced to confess to falsely self-pleasuring herself. Self-pleasuring herself. As if you can self-pleasure someone else. Well, some people might do it on a webcam and thus pleasure other people at the same time as self-pleasuring. Yeah, I suppose in a way

I am self-pleasuring other people right now. Holly Mann's audio wank. I know I was wrong to smoke, continues Emily, and then lie to my boyfriend. But at the time, I thought that he'd laugh that I was wanking in the bath rather than have a breakdown about it. So Helen, answer me this.

What the hell do I do? Well, Emily, I think you need to identify why he's feeling so insecure about his sexual performance because it's obviously something that was bothering him before your fake bank i think that's right yes and maybe you need to run with this lie because he's still going to be insecure about his sexual performance even if you say actually was having a smoke you might not even believe you you might think you're just trying to make him feel better no good's going to come out of the truth you've already told the lie so revealing it as a lie and also the fact that you smoked when you weren't supposed to is going to cause you more problems maybe you need to have on those things they're always suggesting in women's magazines where you know you show your partner what pleasures you but it sounds like

maybe you need to reassure him a bit more maybe a bit more demonstrative i think don't look a gift horse in the mouth absolutely take this opportunity to improve his bedroom technique it might be that you were perfectly happy with it before but look it could get better couldn't it if he wasn't happy yeah and you know take him into the bath with you show him the ropes that's a good idea yeah use this situation to your advantage as helen says the damage has been done you may as well get some kicks i think if this whole incident is truly a threat to your relationship there has got to be some other more important stuff that you need to do with them like if i burst in on somebody having a wank that i was already intimate with i don't think i'd start crying obviously i cry when i wank but that's a totally different proposition

it's what we told him an orgasm was like and with that we have reached the end of this week's answer me this listeners but there is much more no there's more helen, there's more. Helen, we'll be back. That's right. We'll be back next week. What if we're not? I've got abandonment issues. To be honest, it's the least of our concerns.

If there's some reason for us not being back next week, we're all in trouble. Well, at least one of us is in very bad trouble or hospital or a coffin. Anyway, so let's hope that doesn't happen.

Let's hope that what does happen is we're back next week with your questions. To send us a question, go to our website. AnswerMeThisPodcast.com And also go there to take to our website answermethispodcast.com and also go there to take out our

fantastic free audible audiobook please yes please do do that you'll also find links on there to Facebook and Twitter so that you can follow us

as well in the social media world and see that picture of Helen looking like a dick with a mic lead around her neck it is very funny please do that I feel okay about it so I overcome

my photographic disadvantage I'm not saying I look amazing in it you look gorgeous Yes I think a lot of people are going to crop me out the picture And just admire your face, Oliver Yeah

Well, anyway, give yourselves the options, listeners And then return next week for more Answer Me This See you then Bye