Answer Me This! - AMT255: Volvos, Bangs and the end of JLS

Episode Date: May 2, 2013

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If I sang like Will.i.am, would I get through the voice? Answer me this, answer me this Would you marry, shag or kill yourself, given the choice? Answer me this, answer me this Helen and Ollie, answer me this Usually listeners, we like to start the show with some of your feedback about some of the things we've talked about Whoa, don't reveal the process Helen, keep it a mystery Usually listeners, we like to start the show

by sawing somebody in half. You can't say, no. It's the only way I can talk these days. The only thing that stimulates me into action. Show me the woman's innards and then put her back together. Then I'll do the podcast. All I meant to say was I have some feedback. Oh, right.

Myself? Oh, good. Well done. About something we talked about last week. Joe from Seattle's question about whether it's ever okay to share an ice cream cone. Right right and this is a little tangential but i thought it's never acceptable to feed somebody fruit in company because i went for brunch at my friend julie's house she lives with her brother her brother came in from jogging with his girlfriend you know all sweaty wearing jogging gear started feeding his girlfriend fruit didn't do full-on like here comes

the plane it wasn't it wasn't cutesy it was more like if we went into my room i could stick my dick in your mouth rather than this bit of mango right okay so actually you felt disrespected in a way they weren't acknowledging your presence i just thought for god's sake they've only been together for about six weeks and i know people are unbearable in new couples but public boundaries right but you're right i should make an exception for babies and people who are incapacitated or the elderly. And, I mean, even phallically shaped comedy in the right hands. I mean, Mike Myers is allowed to do that joke. It's just maybe your friend Julie's brother just isn't up to it,

doesn't have the comic chops. When Martin is driving, sometimes I have to administer the snacks because he needs his hands to drive. But even then, I sort of throw them in from a short distance away. It's because he finds the out-of idea of physical contact with them repulsive. Well, the other thing we sometimes like to start episodes with... Is good news! Is good news, exciting news.

And this news is so exciting, listeners, that I've been screaming constantly for a week, which is why my voice is slightly strained. The real reason my voice is like this, listeners, is because I've been on a four-day stag do bender. Stag! And this is what happens to my body when that happens. So how much Stephenhen sondheim did you listen to anyway the exciting news yes that uh is that uh answer me this is now on soundcloud if you like listening to things via soundcloud rather than itunes or some other pod

catcher uh then now you can go to soundcloud.com answer me this so delightfully orange isn't it soundcloud i'm on soundcloud right. I've got three accounts. They're all brilliant. You should follow that too. The thing I like about SoundCloud is you can have the comments on every second of the file. And the reason why I like this is because recently the controversial Beyonce and Andre 3000 cover of, I think it's Back to Black, of the Winehouse catalogue has come out. And I was listening to it and just every second

on the bar underneath the comment would come out going, this is fucking awful. This is shit. This is shit. I can't believe anyone allowed this. Web 2.0 ladies and gentlemen. Well that's the good news. Here's the sad news from Rob from Harrow who says I heard on the radio

that JLS has split up. Ollie, answer me this. Why did it take so long? Do you know, I actually think they've called this very well. Yeah, five years is a long time in boy band. I think they've left at the height of their powers. Well, not quite the height. I suppose the peak was 2009.

Yeah, because I can't remember any of their singles since She Make Me Wanna, which was summer 2011. I think we've mentioned this before because it's like London to Ibiza or something. LA to Africa. And you're like, Africa's not a city. That's a continent. Buckhamstead to Watford. One of the songs I was listening to on this stag do.

Stag! I say songs, party anthems. Was that one by Pitbull? I know. Does he have to wear a muzzle? He bloody should The one they were playing is the one called International Love I'm not acquainted

It goes like Miami, LA So international They're not international, those are just cities in the states They're in different time zones He's not saying longitude, yes Leipzig, that's international Uttar Pr pradesh that would be international maybe the original lyric so intranational and some some proofreader like

spellchecked it in there why are we talking about pitbull because that song international love inspired you yeah and now that jls are no more who's going to inspire you to think about pitbull to think about bad lyrics in pop songs how could you do this i actually thought they were aging quite gracefully as well uh apart from aston who i think is benjamin button basically i think maybe that's the reason they stopped is that in five years time he'll be seven yeah he'll have to go to school again considering that they started being all backflips and genuinely boys you can't keep that up can you way into adulthood so you can't but i think they've i think they are a man band now and they've dealt with that quite well so i was i was actually quite surprised they've called it a day but

apparently the reason was um according to which sources this is the exclusive article in the sun which revealed it exclusively in the sun britain's favorite paper uh it said that the reason was they'd have to sign another three to five album deal because their five album deal had come to an end oh i thought it might be like a contract was up or something seeing as it's nearly five years and i don't think it was that they didn't want to do another album i think apparently they sort of looked around the room and said guys are we still going to be wanting to do this when we're 33 do we still have art to give and they sensibly said no well good for them and also they're worth six million each making them the 19th most rich uk reality stars that's a great fact. Two places below Paul Potts.

Who's number one? Cowell, of course. Simon Cowell. Does he count as a reality star? Or even UK anymore. Well, yeah, I mean, they've got all of the girls allowed in there. The thing I found remarkable

about this rich list of UK reality stars is that at number 20, one place below JLS was a man called Paul Teresi. Never heard of him. I hadn't either, but he came forth. Let me guess.

Oh. Came forth. In? Pop star to opera star. World's worst person. Was I close in that it was. No.

Not that genre. Not model turned actor. Not project catwalk. I bet someone who's in like driving school or airport and managed to spin off get a book deal or something would do

really well. I'm going to cut to the chase. It came forth in the first series of The Apprentice and he is the 20th richest reality star good god above badger yeah but the first series of the apprentice they actually employed people who knew something about business didn't they so it's not necessarily a surprise that statistically out of that group of people reality tv stars they'll be the ones with the most business acumen even though the series

then became a show where you laugh at people for having no business argument i think though um the recent big reunion series also may indicate that uh perhaps they just wanted out of jls give a good front that they're having a nice time and they don't argue and stuff but the big reunion suggested that bands that look like they're having a great time back then were not they were having a horrible time they were on drugs they were miserable they were angry they were psychologically disturbed makes me wonder whether one direction are having all that kind of puppyish fun they appear to be it makes me wonder oh oh oh oh i was looking as well in the again in the sun article not to suggest i've only had a single source on this pressing matter uh well it is the exclusive it is it's not exclusive why go to anything less um they said

at the end what they're all going on to do Teacher training Property development, gym ownership You're not far off So I think it got increasingly tragic As it went through the list Is the one that is like a spokesperson for multiple sclerosis going to do more of that? It didn't mention that

But yes, I think he will One of them will do songwriting Well, here's what it says. For Pitbull. See if you agree with me that this gets increasingly tragic as it goes along. Marvin is a DJ on Capital FM and has become a reporter for Daybreak. And also, he's about to have a child with Rochelle from the Saturdays, and I'm sure they can farm out photo shoots that they get paid a lot of money for.

Oritze has his own management company looking after the next generation of pop stars that's the simon webb approach yep then like i say increasingly tragic aston has just finished sky's hit show got to dance he's got to go back to school though and jb has bought a deer farm in scotland that's just unbelievable that's the best one that's like rupert grint buying an ice cream van and not doing any acting anymore. That's like Alex James making cheese. Do you think he's going to dress as a proper deer farmer as well? I hope so, like abs out of five. Yeah, but he's such an unconvincing farmer

because he's got that ridiculous kind of fake Jamaican accent and all those neck tattoos. It's not very Lincolnshire. It's not. Hi, Helen, Ollie. It's Susanna and Tanya. We're in Bermondsey. We've had quite a lot of wine,

and we're talking about Michelle Obama's hair. We were just wondering, why do Americans call a fringe bangs? Here's an interesting, although unfunny, link with the previous question. Michelle Obama's father also had multiple sclerosis. Oh, that's sad. So there we go. So we've gone from her dad and a reese's mom what the chance of that it's a very cruel disease no matter which celebrity parent it strikes correct like i say not funny but

you know it made me feel very depressed i'm pointing out i thought well anyway uh it's uh an equine reason for the uh linguistic difference really yeah but no one compares one compares Michelle Obama to a horse, no one. Well, I wouldn't dare. Well, she's as noble as a horse. She's a very good-looking horse, though. She's a fine filly if she's a horse. I'll tell you what, I feel like everybody's life would be better if they got to see Michelle Obama every day.

Somebody likes Michelle Obama. I do. Do you know what? I feel weepy every time I see a picture of the Obamas looking at each other lovingly. But anyway, the reason why they're called bangs in America is because it used to be short for bang tail, which was a hairstyle of horse's tails where they would cut it across the top

in a straight line, like right below the tailbone. So you could see the arsehole. I guess so. Also the horse could go to the toilet more efficiently. Probably more likely the reason. So you could perv on the horse's arse. I thought you were a horse pervert. It's funny, well I don't think of myself as someone who spends a lot of time analysing animals' arses. But the cat's ass and you're a horse pervert it's funny well i don't think of myself as someone who spends a lot of time analyzing animals arses but the cat you knew there was a butt coming

that's what she said um she makes me wanna the other day uh yes the cat uh jumped onto my lap and i hadn't seen her for a week i'd been away and i did notice that her bum looked different I thought that's weird because I'm not aware that I know what my cat's bum looks like and yet what it was Where's the story going?

It's not going anywhere What it was I think is she just had a bit of a clean so it just had that very clean Jesus Christ There's like a little slither of pink in there

I don't feel well and I thought well that's interesting I've obviously spent enough time looking at her arse intentionally or unintentionally that I can notice We were talking about

Michelle Obama who is such a nice thing to think about. Then we go on to your cat's arsehole. Just a few short leaps to my cat's bumhole. You're never safe when you're listening to Answer Me This, are you? I've got a question! Then email your question to answer me this podcast at googlemail.com

Answer me this podcast at googlemail.com Answer me this podcast at googlemail.com. Answer me this podcast at Googlemail.com. Answer me this podcast at Googlemail.com. Answer me this podcast at Googlemail.com. So retrospectives, what historical events are we ticking off on this week's run of Today in History? On Monday, we bring you the real story of the mutiny on the bounty. On Tuesday, the anniversary of the day somebody invented the meatball, but who? On Wednesday, the iconic British car that ripped off an iconic American car. On Thursday, how American airlines invented air miles. And on Friday, the UFO sighting that gripped colonial America. We discuss this and more on Today in History with The Retrospectors. 10 minutes each

weekday, wherever you get your podcasts. A question of relationships now from Jamie who says, I've been seeing my girlfriend for two years now and I have a history of getting her unconventional birthday presents. Not sure two birthdays is enough yet to fully establish a pattern. That's more like a callback. Some of these presents, he continues, work and some of them are bunged in the back of my cupboard never to be seen or used i had a flatmate who did this once i gave him presents and then he'd almost always just put them in the cupboard unused entirely unused in a cupboard that i could see in the flat we were sharing no ollie this is our museum cupboard where we put all of our best things i just take my presents to the charity shop. Yeah, I do that. I had my fastest turnaround ever this year.

I took something to the charity shop on 27th of December. The first year continues, Jamie. I got my girlfriend a belly dancer outfit. Wow, that's optimistic, isn't it? I thought this would keep us both amused for a number of years to come. It has been very cold this year. The second year continues, Jamie. I purchased, there's a theme developing here,

a body moulding kit with the intention of making a mould of her boobs. Oh. Painting the mould in vibrant colours and hanging it on the wall for our future grandchildren to marvel at. Is this a present more for you than for her, again? It remains untouched.

This year, I have landed on the idea Of a she-wee Actually that's quite thoughtful Oh yeah it's really romantic isn't it Classic romantic present Why didn't you give me one of them instead of an engagement ring For those of you listeners who don't know And we have discussed this in a previous episode of Answer Me This But you haven't all got memories that go back seven years

A she-wee It's like a funnel to emulate the man piss At a festival Anyway Jamie continues. This would be very useful, the shiwi, for when we go to the secret garden party or for camping in general. You can't all sleep in the shiwi.

It's too small and it will stink of piss. Plus, my girlfriend has a bad habit of peeing in public quite often. Why don't you get her some nappies? So, Helen, answer me this. Do you think this is a good idea? Obviously, I will be buying backup presents too. I think this is a backup present.

I mean, this is like one of the comedy small gifts and then you give her something that is nice and that she wants and that is a bit romantic and is worth a bit of money. Yeah, you know, I think that goes actually for the tit mould and belly dancer outfit as well. What do you think? I think if in both those years

you'd given her something more romantic and more, frankly, straightforward, and then that was the quirky present, she probably would have got away with wearing it. You can't build up to the she-wee. No, you can't. She will be disappointed. Even though we said

you've only got two birthdays on your graph, that's not enough points to make a straight line. I think you do have enough data to interpret that she you're shit at buying presents yeah she's not she's not a fan of your technique and maybe you should consider adjusting the technique maybe look at some of the presents she does seem to really like maybe they're from other people from ex-boyfriends and uh and from those uh consider what it is she likes about them yeah and then buy something not necessarily similar to them but uh has in common the qualities that makes her like those things something that an algorithm might pick up a

person people who like this also liked there should be an app for that shouldn't there should yeah oh that's a good idea helen people who like shiwis also like belly dancer costumes if my girlfriend would like a shiwi but i need to get something good what should i get her app i'll tell you what i think he should do actually in this specific specific circumstance is he should put the shiwi in a bag of general outdoorsy camping fun because if that's the context he wants it to be seen you know we're going on holiday we're going to the secret garden festival we'll go together you should put other stuff in the bag you can use during the weekend away drugs well if that's

your thing or condoms could be a racy thing but you also put in some things exactly put in some things that actually are a bit more respectful why not include it in a fun lucky dip or pass the parcel where it's one of the outer layers yeah all of these are good suggestions i mean they're better than just giving her that what's going to be awkward is when they move house and they're going to be looking for a house that's got one of these cupboards where she can put everything that he's bought her uh because regular listeners will recall that i'm shortly to move house fingers crossed touchwood uh when we were looking for properties one of the things was very important to me was that we had a costco cupboard yeah i need a

cupboard to put my oversized peanut butter a hundred thousand tea bags a year of bin bags yeah tin tomatoes all that stuff. Gazebo, all the other stuff they sell at Costco. Skis. Yeah, coffee and wheelchair. Side of beef. And yeah,

so therefore, I needed, I actually needed, it was one of my specifications, even though we go to Costco to save money, ironically, we're probably ending up

spending thousands more because I've got a house with a garden shed big enough to fit loads of loo roll in it. Yeah, but, but useful. When the rapture comes,

you'll still be wiping your arse when everyone else is pissing on the ground because they've run out of sheewees helen oliver though life is full of questions there are answers you must know one One No, it will not fall off But moderation in all things Two, yes, there probably is But we won't find out in our lifetimes Three, most people prefer colliery But my personal favorite is Dalton Four, if you try and slip a one, it would ruin your friendship. Yes.

Listeners, you know how much we enjoy hearing you ask your questions in your own voice when you dial this number. 0208 123 58 007 Or when you Skype answer me this. So please give us some enjoyment and deliver your questions telephonically if you wish, like this person has done. Hello, this is Jessie in Zurich. Answer me this. Why is the Volvo, like, typically owned by a woman,

but it has a male emblem on the front? Just because you see women driving them, I don't think you can necessarily extrapolate from that that they're owned by a woman but it has a male emblem on the front just because you see women driving them i don't think you can necessarily extrapolate from that that they're owned by women they're owned by families aren't they it's like you see ollie driving his car but you don't extrapolate that it's a man's car my car now is relatively masculine no it isn't oh it is no it is i use the word relatively why is it not relatively masculine Because it looks like a toy It's got leather seats So Beige

That's not a woman's colour Is it beige A woman's colour It's a strong masculine colour I appreciate it's not a strong masculine car It's got antlers on the top And a football stadium on the bonnet I use the word relatively

But it's not It's not a baby blue plurial With a seven stage roof Which is what I have before That wasn't even feminine car that that car was like a toddler's shoe anyway um i drive a mini by the way listeners um anyway so i don't think that you can say that volvos are typically owned by women and no my dad had one he's not a woman they're owned by people with kids right because their safety and security well my dad had is because the boot was big enough for him to transport sculptures in and a dog this was pre-dog that you bought the volvo but yes you could get two dogs in it very easily two dogs and a sculpture

if necessary put the sculpture in with the precious dogs um but there's something in that that tells you why the logo is shaped as jesse mistakenly also says like the male sign. So the reason the logo is shaped as it is, which is a sort of circle with an arrow, so it is a bit like the sign for the male gender. Right, because I can never even remember which one of those is male and which is female. It is the male woman with the arrow, so it is

a bit like that. It's actually based on the Roman sign for the planet Mars. That's a very masculine planet. Indeed. Yeah, it is, yeah. The god Mars was a very angry man and he was in charge of war.

Yeah. So I know what you're thinking, what's this got to do with safety and Volvos? Well, most weapons were made of... Fit in the back of a Volvo. Most weapons were made of iron back in the day. Right. And by back in the day, I mean in Roman times.

Okay. So the Romans started using for iron the same word that in roman times okay so the romans started using for iron the same word that they used for uh for mars the god of war right so the symbol of mars came to be the symbol for iron okay and then and then fast forward a couple of thousand years yeah and the guys who found volvo started the company from an iron ball bearings company they used to make ball bearings and then they developed cars so they wanted something that referenced iron in their logo tenuous isn't it so it's partly that the cocooning and the safety of the iron that's being referenced there it's also and this is another weird another latin reference the reason that the logo appears to be moving slightly so the arrow is slightly

off to the right is to give the impression of uh rolling because roll in latin volvere so that's what it is it's a revolving symbol for iron so it seems such an oblique connection wonderfully poetic it's kind of brilliant though isn't it when you realize so when you look into these corporate histories and you realize that a lot of thought went into designs you just don't think about at all. I mean, on the other hand, they could have reverse engineered all this afterwards, couldn't they? Someone could have just drawn a circle with an arrow on it

and said, yeah, this looks moving, car. That looks catchy. That will work in all sorts of different countries. Circle with an arrow. Volvo. Sounds like Volvo. Let's work it out afterwards. I'll name it after my great-auntie Volvo. Let's go lunch.

Here's a question from Sam in Leeds who says, My beautiful new wife is American and we're currently in the middle of the stress and heartbreak of applying for a visa so she can come to England and live with me. Since I've stared at the word visa more times than I ever thought I would, Helen, answer me this. Where does the word visa come from? Well, it's Latin again.

The French borrowed from Latin to invent the term carta visa, which was the document that had to be examined, and the examination is from the Latin word visore, meaning to see, to look into. So carta visa, does that literally mean a bit of paper of what you look at? Yeah. Amazing. Yeah, the Romans are treated with such respect for having

invented a lot of things first. Law and order and art and culture and war. But actually... Straight lines. It's all good stuff, don't get me wrong. It's all stuff that we've very much influenced by now i think you might be slightly simplifying antiquity but do go on mohawks but actually if you're ancient roman or ancient chinese or ancient iranian or ancient greek or whatever it's a bit easier isn't it to stumble across a concept for the first time like you wonder how much of this is resonating down the generations because they did it best yeah or just because actually of course if you look back to roman times there

was some sort of equivalent to this important things were named in latin weren't they for a couple of millennia after the romans well it showed that you were educated didn't it and you know and i guess internationally as well people understood it yes it was like the esperanto of its day if you don't even know what a question is then you're probably at the wrong place because religion's on god casts dogs are on dog casts fish are on rod casts but we don't do fish because on this podcast you answer me this A question of literature now from Eliza from Newcastle upon Tyne Who says I had my first novel published last November

Wow I am only 18 Wow Double, veritable John Keats we've got listening here That's awesome That's very precocious And I was 17 at the time of signing my deal with the publisher Oh blimey, she's like a Newcastle-upon-Tyne novelist version of Taylor Swift.

I thought it would be best to tell my parents. Yeah, probably be pretty excited, right? I would be if my child had a novel published. Yeah. As they might be concerned by their teenage daughter suddenly receiving checks and letters from a mysterious American company. Well, I'd be concerned because receiving a check from someone in a different country usually incurs fees. I them my parents i was having a book published though i refused to

divulge the plot the title or even the name i'd written it under so there's a pseudonym involved coy i did this because i actually write porn oh okay gay porn oh oh gay porn for bored housewives and sexually frustrated teenagers who like to read about boys kissing. Eliza, you're very businesslike for a teenager. You've identified a niche, and I don't mean that in a double entendre way. And you've identified a hole in the market.

Filled it with your pen. She's not doing it for the glory. Martin. It's good. Sorry. I mean, what she's done in many ways, just splurge everything she had to say. Whatever you do, don't spunk your advance at the wall.

Any more? I'm done for the time being. I mean, the important thing is she didn't just knock it off. So, she continues. Now, now you can understand the terrible double entendres we've made. We'll help you understand why I might not want my parents to find out about this.

Okay. Or any of my extended family, for that matter. I'm sure there are lots of bored housewives and sexually frustrated teenagers in your extended family. In every extended family. Yeah. It's an explicit book in which explicit things happen, which I describe in explicit detail.

Well, if you didn't do those things, then this would not work for the porn market i assumed my parents would respect my wishes why would you assume that parents spend a lot of your childhood violating your privacy and not google different combinations of my names and initials until they found my book how wrong i was my father proceeded to post a link to my book to his facebook weird and several of my cousins and one of my aunts then bought it and read it luckily they live at the other end of the country to me and one of my cousins felt the need to text me and tell me that she enjoyed it but i'm nonetheless mortified and have been in a state of mortification ever since.

Oh no. I think, actually, I can't imagine publishing any novel that I didn't feel quite squeamish about my family reading, even if it had zero naughty bits. Just because it's quite an exposing thing to do, even if it's the realm of the imagination. It's showing off a side of you that they may not know at all. But you do get over it. I mean, I'm here, I'm living proof that you get over it.

That's true. I've said things in this podcast about my life that i wouldn't necessarily want my parents my grandmother to hear but they have uh eliza continues answer me this how on earth am i supposed to look my family in the eye ever again i think uh you actually just appear very business like about it just say i knew that after 50 shades Grey, publishers were all looking for this. And I knew that gay fiction was much less common in the mainstream. So I decided it would be very pragmatic to write it. Wow. You've managed to make someone who writes gay porn sound boring, if they say that. Thank you.

You've done it well. That's a business-like answer. I mean, there must be lots of people who work in the adult industry or who do things which are... There must be so many cabaret artists, performance artists, people just outing themselves as actors, you know, and writers and artists to their parents. But it does tap into something in everyone's psyche, this, doesn't it? The sort of, especially older members of the family, finding out about something that is perceived by the general public to be dirty or obscene.

I mean, this was the root of the scandal over the Russell Brand, Jonathan Ross phone call to Andrew Sachs, wasn't it? It wasn't just that it was an old man that they were taunting. It was the fact they were taunting him by saying, ha, ha, ha, I fucked your granddaughter. Who's a cabaret artist and gets her tits out, ha, ha, ha. She's in something called Satanic Sluts. It's got the word slut in it.

She's your granddaughter. Presumably, Andrew Sachs was actually perfectly aware of all that. He's a man of the world. He's a man of the world and he works in showbiz. But the thing that outraged people was the idea that an old man would have that information broadcast to the whole nation yeah she hasn't actually said though that any of the family have reacted badly to it she just feels awkward her dad might have no idea what it's about because the cousin might not have told him the aunt might not have read it often it's like martin will uh give his parents one of his albums they

won't listen to it. They'll have no idea what's on there. It could be porny as he wants. They might have put it on while they do the gardening and they're outside the house. They didn't. They probably did. They probably didn't. They put it on for the cat to listen to.

The cat's dead. It's funeral. I'm almost certain that in the case of our book, Answer Me This by Helen Zaltzman and Olly Mann, out now as an e-book or from your local bookstore, that I'm pretty sure that in our book, my dad did look in the index for his own name read the two anecdotes in which he featured and has not read the rest of the book so i could have written i could have written about sexually explicit fantasies involving him uh if i'd

used a different name uh because he'd never know that it was him i don't believe my parents have ever read it either but they're pleased that it exists. Oh yeah my parents bought six copies. They're all in my bedroom at home. I don't know why they did that. They bought out Waterstones in Watford of copies of Answer Me This. Depriving the rest of Watford. Yeah. If I were writing a dirty book though I would probably say to my parents I've written a dirty book please don't read it. It's like if I was in a film that had a lot of sex scenes I would ask my parents not to go well i mean i appreciate that i come from a very unusual family you do uh but my mum was on a sex phone in the other week well not she wasn't doing one of those 2.99 a minute phone lines was she you rang up and you're like mum oh hello darling

uh no she is a psychotherapist. She was discussing how to have good sex in your 40s, 50s and over. Not something you need to know your mum's tips on. On Late Night Love with Graham Torrington on BBC West Midlands. And she wanted me to listen to it to get the views of a young broadcasting professional. Oh, God. But she was sort of sheepish. She was quite endearingly sheepish about sending me the link.

She warned me about three times. She goes, it is about having sex. And I was like, it's fine. It's about her sex life. Yeah, but it's your mum having sex. And I was like, about having sex and i was like it's fine but her sex like yeah yeah but it's your mom having sex i was like it's fine no it's not about her sex it's like absolutely generic tips that you would give anyone who's got sexual problems you know she was really sheepish about sending it to me so even she felt that and that's she's she's not a sheepish sort of lady exactly did you listen to it to listen i haven't listened to it yet but that is laziness i think not because i'm awkward because it's my mom's saving it for a

special moment eliza continues do i now have to start writing my porn with my family constantly in the back of my mind no that'll be the worst family porn that won't be good porn uh uh will i have to think oh i mustn't write about insert kink here or dear auntie susan will know about my sexual proclivity towards said kink i think think also if Auntie Susan is not enjoying your book, she probably won't read it. And if she is enjoying it when she's getting off, she's probably not going to think about you. I think I hadn't actually considered that aspect of it.

If you actually consider that your own father, your apparently heterosexual father, might be sexually enjoying a book which you've written about homosexual acts if you actually imagine him ejaculating to it it's slightly differently isn't it to just writing a book now i'm thinking about her dad oh yeah but if it's any comfort eliza most um erotic literature is not very appealing to men is it well that's the thing men are visual yeah the first page is probably just an illustrative one like a map map, like at the front of Tolkien. Just a big phallus on the first page.

Big pumpkin cock. Well, listeners, that brings us to the end of today's podcast. But please supply us with questions for next week's podcast via email, phone or Skype. Our contact details are on our website. AnswerMeThisPodcast.com Where you can also find links to buy beautiful merchandise. Some of it featuring Martin's face, but don't let that put you off. Plus...

That's another lovely notebook with my face on. Our first 120 episodes, which you can purchase for the bargainer's price of just 79 pence each, and our apps for iOS and Android, which feature exclusive content every single week. So that's a spending spree waiting to happen on our website. Do that. Or maybe just get inspiration to send us a question for next week's show, which we very much look forward to receiving and responding to.

I would love few things more. Not nothing more, but few things. Don't list the things. We'll be here all day. Number one, I'd love someone to make me a cup of tea right now. Number four, the blissful moment of release that death will bring.

Number nine, a copy of Eliza's next book, please.