Answer Me This! - AMT259: Coke Bottles, Gentlemen's Clubs and Desert Island Discs

Episode Date: May 30, 2013

Coke Bottles, Gentlemen's Clubs and Desert Island Luxuries Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Did we just hit a speed bump, or was that George Michael? Answer me this, answer me this Can I eat baby pandas if I recycle? Answer me this, answer me this Helen and Ollie, answer me this Unsurprisingly, our discussion of the semantics of the word dickbag have stimulated some very thoughtful and thought-provoking debate amongst our listeners this week, Ollie.

Absolutely unsurprisingly. I'd say it's pretty much a high watermark for popular culture. And the English language. You'd expect that intellectual stimulation to ensue. Yes, that's right. Many people have suggested that the word is something to do with douchebag, which I don't buy at all as an explanation. Maybe they're thinking D-bag and people think dick is more pleasant than douche. Yeah, I saw a person called Chris on our website said they thought a corruption of douchebag.

So what they're saying is sort of maybe in a way accidentally it may have originally, someone may have said dickbag instead of douchebag. I'm not sure I really go with this explanation either from Bruce who says, surely it's a reference to the phrase go suck a bag of dicks, i.e. a whole bunch of dicks.

Whether or not still attached to their protagonists is unclear. Protagonists. But I'm not sure that that is a solid enough phrase in the canon. I think that's a phrase that is subject to quite a lot of variation. It's an obscure image, certainly. No one remembers the moment in Dickens where Macalver goes off to buy himself a bag of dicks. But I think the most uh variation on what we said uh is this one shared by many but uh espoused most professionally by eileen from new jersey who says i've always

thought of dick bag as a condom a filthy used one to be exact the thing is a used condom that's more of a sleeve a wet disgusting sleeve than it is a bag i would say it doesn't have an entrance aperture at both ends does the sleeve have an aperture at both ends. Does a sleeve need an aperture at both ends? Well, otherwise you can't get your arm and hand out. And it's just got a built-in mitten. Yeah, you're right. The whole function of a sleeve is entirely mitigated

by the function of a condom, isn't it? So actually a condom, in your analogy, Ollie, is more like an opera glove, which is like a sleeve with a glove attached, effectively. Yes, but you can see why no one said an opera glove of dicks. Well, I can't. That's a lovely collective name there, isn't it? I think what we're doing is classing up the term dickbag

with the thoughts of opera. Anyway, those of you who like us for our more cerebral work do come back. Chris from Hunstanton says, Helen, answer me this, how do they change the light bulbs in university lecture halls? Well, they are a good lecturer, aren't they? That's someone who's really interested in receiving.

This is the sign of someone in full recline barely keeping their eyes open, isn't it? There is something that I do sometimes in concert halls when I go to a really boring work of classical music and I realise within the first ten minutes or so that I'm going to be bored for the next two and a half hours, what I do is I actually ration the architectural features of the room.

So I'm like, okay, I could look at the ceiling, there's a very ornate ceiling in this musical theatre, don't look up now save that save that save that for the second half start by looking at the orchestra then maybe look down

people's tops in the stalls but don't do that until we're at least half an hour in what about the carpet the carpet is a good one to save for the encore that is the thing

that is missing isn't it from musical entertainment very often is something to look at like the Royal Festival Hall I mean that's all very 60s and sparse, isn't it? You need to take a picture book with you, Ollie.

The only time I've been to the Royal Festival Hall, actually, was to watch the orchestra, I think it was the London Symphony Orchestra, accompanying a silent film. Right. So that satisfied the thing perfectly. Which silent film? Slightly boring one.

I think it was Faust. It's surely only a matter of time before Tim Burton reimagines Faust with Johnny Depp, isn't it? Oh, no. What do you reckon? Five years? They're going to do that, aren't they? Danny Elfman soundtrack, 3D. See, that could be alright. Yeah, probably.

Dark Shadows was quite good, but you're just like, I get it. You're gothic. Move on. You're a bit gothic, Tim Burton. I get it. We get it. You only like working with Johnny Depp and your wife, but... Maybe they're the only people that will work with him. A change is as good as a holiday. Anyway, the lightbulbs. Oh yes bulbs oh yes yeah well it really depends on the height of the building and i suppose their resources because i think uh if if you're at a a well-financed university they've probably

got like a sort of cherry picker type thing or scaffoldy tower ladder thing yes cherry pickers are great for changing light bulbs in tall institutions. Yes. I mean, even if your ceiling is just eight feet, why not? Why not? Treat yourself. You can get these kind of extendable light bulb changes if your ceiling's up to about 35 feet, which is like a suction thing that grabs onto the light bulbs. You can twist it out and then put another one in. But I think unless you're very skilled at it,

you're waving around a really long, flexible thing with a breakable glass object on the end that you're trying to get into a really small fissure. But it's really no surprise that often when you're in a tall ceiling place, a lot of the lights are not working. I've never really noticed that, but you could be right. But what about like supermarkets? Lights are always working there, and that's a tall building.

They're all fluorescent, but they've probably got cherry pickers. Yes, they probably have. I guess if you're a chain of supermarkets, then you can afford to have someone whose only job is to go around all the different supermarkets changing the lights yeah i think they don't even need to work for that specific brand economy is a scale only man yeah can you imagine the sexual exploits of that person they'd be like see you again in two years love here's some child support they just breeze in they bring light they bring pleasure then they leave they bring light it's almost holy isn't it yeah would you have any

kind of freeson upon meeting a gentleman who was able to take you up a cherry picker um imagining yourself and i mean this with no disrespect to people who actually work in supermarkets imagine yourself as a supermarket night worker yeah man comes in all right love i'll take you up in the cherry picker yes or no you'd say yes wouldn't you that'd be the most exciting thing that happened it would be the most exciting thing yeah imagine being really exhilarating it's actually a real power trip isn't? I've never been up in a cherry picker. No. Now you make me think I'd like to.

How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? They're probably off doing paperwork or crime abatement, and they've probably got janitors to do that. That's right, yeah, that is the punchline to the classic joke. The punchline is none. It turns itself in. Yeah. I bet that very rarely happens.

How many people turn themselves in? I think that very much depends what department of police work you're in, doesn't it? How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Whatever I say, you're going to analyse it, so I'm not going to answer that. Hey, that's actually pretty good. Right. The accepted punchline is only one, but the bulb has to really want to change. It's so true, isn't it?

That's quite good. I think it's quite funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think out of all of those memes, all of those old jokes, it's better than Chicken Cross the Road, it's better than Doctor Doctor, the lightbulb joke. Or Knock Knock. Knock Knock is rubbish. Knock Knock can be really rubbish. That is the worst.

Hi, I'm Molly. It's Linus from New Cross. I am creating for DTE Graphics a Game of Thrones themed card game. But the thing is, my teacher is watching game of thrones and she's only on season one so should i avoid spoilers for her sake or do what i actually want to do that's quite thoughtful of him really to think of her needs i think let's be honest teacher's pet here isn't it if you're going to the league of not only doing a game of thrones card game in your class but actually which you know the teacher likes as well you know how much of it the teacher is seen yeah unless she's the kind of teacher

who's like oh i went to bed really late last night because i was watching episode three of game of thrones kids do you think there's a credibility thing there in game of thrones is it cool in schools i think it's probably just doing any activity that one of your pupils can identify with yes seems cool yeah that's actually quite a useful technique isn't it probably for teachers just finding one because you want to be in charge so you're just having one thing they can identify with and you don't want it to be too implausible like break dancing i would suspect therefore that if you're actually being considerate enough uh to to tailor your game around the episodes your teacher has seen then you're already teacher's pet. It makes no difference.

So go ahead and spoil the episode. Since you seem to be teacher's pet anyway, could you say to her, look, I want to do this project. It will be incredible, but I don't want to spoil your enjoyment. I'm willing to sacrifice my grades. What do you think I should do?

Ask her if it's okay for you to do spoilers. And I think she'd say, as a Game of Thrones devotee... Automatic A-. Absolutely. Even if you make these cards, will they necessarily spoil all of the narrative? Because I understand that Game of Thrones, which I have not seen,

is a very large cast and there are lots of different plots and it's covering this huge, overarching empire of thrones. Doesn't appeal to me. Too cloaky, Ollie. Too cloaky. Cloaky? Yeah. Go on. A lot of cloaks. Oh, actually, just featuring cloaks. of thrones doesn't appeal to me too cloaky Ollie too cloaky cloaky yeah

go on a lot of cloaks oh actually just featuring cloaks yeah it's the sort of thing I should probably be really into that's got dragons in it but it's all the made up words

isn't it it's when there's like oh we're going to the landless empire to talk to lord yeah yeah to save the Ubalar people

it's just like oh for fuck's sake if I wanted that I'd read Alan Garner books yeah it's what I didn't like about Harry Potter. The made-up animals and plants. See, no, I quite like it in Potter. I'll tell you the difference.

Hypocrite. That's one of the characters, isn't it? What I like about Potter... Half man and half liar. What I like about Potter is that you're seeing it from the perspective of the child going into school and you grow up with him. It's like Enid Blyton.

So you learn along with him. Yeah. Whereas Game of Thrones seems like something that right from the beginning, I'm an outsider. But actually, Linus, I think we might be hitting upon the answer here. From everything I know about Game of Thrones fans, it would be appropriate to have spoilers in there

because it shows a level of knowledge that is about blocking out people like me who might want to adopt it and get into it late. Right, well, here's a question that makes me itchy just thinking about it uh it's from stacy from plymouth always makes me itchy that name stacy no not really that's this is what she asked that makes me itchy i thought you were itching to get back on the plymouth ferry that was so entertaining for free she says uh helen asked me this why head lice more commonly referred to As knits Do they wear tiny jumpers?

Well that's just silly isn't it Because knits As you've written it In your email Stacey It's not even spelt the same As knit As in Render yarn into garments

With a K Yeah It's because knit Is from the old English Knit-o Which meant Which meant knit Say that again

Knit-o I think that's my new ringtone Isn't it funny how there's Almost a nostalgia To knit eggs No Not for me No not for me no do you remember knits no that's exactly how i think about it i have fucking frazzles ollie come on they're disgusting because yeah they are disgusting but doesn't it make you think of school you say the word knit you don't encounter it in adult life unless you're a parent i'm not nostalgic about school at all okay well perhaps i'm misappropriating the word

nostalgia but what i mean is retro yes it's retro and yet it's current but it only happens when you're a child i suppose as well that the word knit is funny it sounds nicer for children yes whose heads are typically infested with them than it does to say oh you've got a head full of blood-sucking mini beasts also knits you know it's the kind that enjoy to live in children's hair. Yeah. Whereas lice is several different types of pest. Yes, of course. Lice is the sort of umbrella term, isn't it? Yeah. So the term nit, I suppose, has become very specifically that kind of creature.

Yeah, fair enough. Yeah, well. I once almost ruined a girl's life, but only for about six months. Just once? I'm talking specifically about an encounter with nit, so it is just one girl at school. And this girl, anyway, leant down to look into her exercise book in front of me and I saw, in my mind, it's like an inch long,

but it was probably only half a centimetre, but it was a big nit. Come on, it was probably the size of a turkey. No, but it was much bigger than you'd think. And it crawled in her hair and I screamed like a girl. And she was like, what, what, what, what, what, what, what's in my hair? And I said, you've got nits. And then she just became like...

Knit girl. Knitty McNit for the rest of the year, yeah. If you've got a question, email your question. To unsubmit this podcast, give them out at home. Unsubmit this podcast, give them out at home. Unsubmit. Oh, oh, oh, oh. So retrospectives, what historical events are we ticking off on this week's run of Today in History? On Monday, we bring you the real story of the mutiny on the bounty. On Tuesday, the anniversary of the day somebody invented the meatball, but who? On Wednesday, the iconic British car that ripped off an iconic American car. On Thursday, how American airlines invented air miles. And on Friday, the UFO sighting that gripped

colonial America. We discuss this and more on Today in History with The Retrospectors. 10 minutes each weekday, wherever you get your podcasts. Here's a question from Luke from Norwich who says, I've been reading some John le Carré books. Between the spying, the men sometimes head to gentlemen's clubs where the upper classes drink and act stuffy and reserved.

Ollie answers me this, do these clubs still exist and who goes to them? Ah, sexist, basically. Really? Yeah. I mean, the gentlemen's clubs, what's kind of confusing

is the word gentlemen's club obviously now is used to mean lap dancing club as well. But let's take those associations out of it because he means very specifically things like the East India Club and the Cavalry Club and that kind of thing. Two or three of those are still men-only establishments. Yeah, I think the East India Club

used to give discount membership to the male graduates of my school. Yes, well, so the East India Club is one that is only open, I think, to people who have been to the right public schools. Which is weird. I mean, it is a weird... I don't even mind the idea that a club might focus its membership on a certain

social group that can afford the membership. Why? Because those people will get along when they're all hanging out in the billiard room. No, because I can sort of understand that if you're someone who's on a million pounds a year, or you're a celebrity, you're going to feel more comfortable in an environment where other people around you are in the same. It wouldn't be my choice, but I can understand why people want that.

Yeah. And also the clubs did evolve with people aligning according to their political beliefs or their interests. Yeah, yeah, exactly. But what I find odd is whilst it's sort of part of our capitalist system that you could become part of that group, you just can't go if you haven't been to the right school. Seems bizarre.

Or if you've got a vagina. But most of them have now accepted people with vaginas. There's only a few that haven't. That's very broad-minded of them. I think that whole thing's pretty disgusting, isn't it? I mean, I take your point about people wanting to hang out with people like them. But that's just that, you know, you can argue that's a human trait, but it's not a very healthy one to encourage and explicitly codify in that way.

Well, hold on. I mean, there is a purpose to these establishments. A, there's the social thing, which you're discrediting. It's a perpetual social inequality. Fine. But B, there is just the thing that, initially, these are mostly in London, these clubs, and they were there because gentlemen around the UK would be coming to London on business and need somewhere to stay and need somewhere to be during the day between

meetings when they came up to London they'd actually lived there for a couple of years but that's that's not why they started though that they started uh so that people could gamble so it wasn't just to act as a hotel and then um they became really popular with the advent of universal male suffrage uh because uh you know they had quite a political aspect as well and people would go there to talk politics and in the 19th century when more people were able to talk politics there was a huge expansion in the gentlemen's clubs so we wouldn't have just been poshos then.

So one of them, the Reform Club still, you could only be a member of the Reform Club if you're someone who supports the Reform Act of 1832. Oh what an act, what a great act. I mean i've looked through it on wikipedia it seems fine it was one of the sort of interesting points of history

it's just sort of you know yeah more suffrage more voting and you know not so much about landowners and rotten boroughs i mean good you know but now not necessarily the most relevant question to ask is it do you support the reform act of 1832 does it affect me no then fine yeah sure you'd say yes wouldn't you you'd say yes even if you didn't even if you thought oh i wish it was just landowners who had the vote you'd lie so that you could get into their swimming pool and then how much i wonder does it cost to be a member of one of those sorts of clubs anyway somewhere between 500 pounds and two grand a year usually obviously most people don't have that amount of money to spare but that's probably how much it costs for like a football season ticket or or actually just

joining a gym after i mean that's the interesting thing is costs for like a football season ticket or... Or actually just joining a gym. I mean, that's the interesting thing, isn't it? Like the sort of upmarket personal fitness places have sort of taken the place of these for a lot of people. They go there to work out and then they go to these social events and they do end up spending £70 a month on it anyway. It was funny, though, that these clubs had grown very kind of stale and really were associated with people you know with like big red cheese because they drank so much port yeah and then in the sort of late 90s there started to be the kind of hipster versions where and soho house then opened and all of those home house exactly yeah yeah i think the cobden club another early 19th century one as well was given a revival

and they were like oh well kate moss goes to these they must be good like can you explain to me the point of uh being in one of those clubs now well okay so there's again well it's the same point this is what i think is interesting about it i've got a friend who's a hotelier and he i remember him saying to me what's interesting about my industry is it hasn't changed for 2 000 years 2 000 years you can basically go back to the bible and you've got the innkeeper right i? I mean there are stories that people know what a hotelier is. It's basically the same job, providing a bed for money. Okay, but they have changed a bit

because now you expect an ensuite bathroom and you get annoyed if you have to pay for Wi-Fi, whereas 2000 years ago both of those things would have seemed a miracle. I think if only someone had opened a Premier Inn in Nazareth, history would have been very different. It would have. But the point, the business is essentially the same. You're providing a bed, providing refreshment.

Yeah. And in that way, I think the basis for these gentlemen's clubs is sort of the same as it ever was. It's social networking, isn't it? And it's a place to accommodate yourself between things. Those are still things people need. Every time I've been to Century Club, I've seen Russ Abbott. Really? That's an extra boon that you don't hear people say.

But if you want to see Russ Abbott, go to the Century Club. I don't think I'd recognise Russ Abbott if I fell over him on my way to a toilet in a club. What if he was wearing a t-shirt that said, Hello, I'm Russ Abbott. And he walked up to you and said, Hi, Helen, I'm Russ Abbott. I would think he was a super fan of Ross Abbott. further, just one step short of murder. I want to look like Olly Mann. I want to smell like Olly Mann. I want to be like

Olly Mann. I want to chase like Olly Mann. I want to look like Olly Mann. I want to talk like Olly Mann. I want to call my Olly Mann. Listeners, we do so enjoy it when you give us a call and leave us a question by calling this number.

0208 123 58 007 Or by Skyping answer me this. Doesn't it make us feel absolutely delighted, Ollie? It makes me feel this happy, he says, widening his arms to fill the entire room. And let's hear who has been in touch this week to give us this amount of pleasure. Hello, it's John from London. Hello, Manali. I was just wondering, what is your take on the recent Coca-Cola advert with all the personalised names on all the bottles and the tins and things like that? Here's my take.

Bullshit. Put that on a bottle. Why? Because it's bullshit, isn't it? But the product is still the same. So I appreciate you may not like the marketing about it, but this is the product is still the same so i appreciate you may not like the marketing about it but if i mean this is the thing that i always think about coca cola coca cola could have jimmy saville advertising it would still be the world's most popular drink

it doesn't matter about trends and fashions because it's coca bloody cola being the marketing director of coca cola is like the easiest job in the world in an established market like the uk maybe they don't even have one i just think they're just having a laugh, aren't they? Well, what is the idea behind it? Is it that they'll be like, oh, well, I'm not called Ashley, but I have a friend called Ashley. I better buy the Coke and give it to Ashley and then look for one for me.

It says on the bottle, enjoy a Coke with, and then the person's name. Yeah, because it's all about sharing, isn't it? But I don't enjoy Coke and I haven't drunk one for years. And sharing a bottle is ranked because of the backwash. Well, you could have two straws. Again, backwash. Well, a bottle you could pour into two glasses and then you wouldn't drunk one for years. And sharing a bottle is rank because of the backwash. Well, you could have two straws. Again, backwash.

Well, a bottle you could pour into two glasses and then you wouldn't have the backwash. Yeah, but they don't advertise it with the two glasses, Helen. If they advertise it with two glasses, with glasses with Helen written on one, Ollie on the other, I'm there. That's their next ruse. But I'm still not drinking the Coke

because I don't drink Coke. So my first reaction is bullshit. My second reaction is, I don't care. This doesn't touch me at all because I don't drink Coke anymore. Right, well well i do drink coke and i similarly think bullshit because it makes no difference to i'm happy to drink a coke with ashley written on it don't care are you happy to drink a coke with ollie but spelt not the way you spell ollie that's a very crafty question helen because you know that's literally the one example where i'm gonna say of course not because

you spell it o double l y that's right not o double l i. Not O-double-L-I-E. No. Not O-L-I. No. Not O-double-L-E-I-G-H. Oh, God. I've never heard that one. It'll happen now. Only. Anyway, it's not like any of those.

So have you drunk a Coke with O-double-L-Y on it? Have you found one? I haven't. I have to be honest. I'd noticed this campaign from the point of view of the billboard saying share a Coke with James or whatever. And in fact, I'd been given a bottle. The first time I came across this was in Covent Garden on a Saturday afternoon.

They were doing a promotion giving away free ones. And I didn't know this was part of their whole reason. I saw some with a t-shirt saying Colin or something. So I said, oh, hey, Colin, can I have a free coke? And he was like, sure. And then as I walked away, I thought, is his name really Colin? Or is he just wearing a t-shirt that says Colin on it? And I didn't realise that the bottles even had names.

I didn't notice. It's only because of this question that I've even noticed that they've got names on. Are you sure his t-shirt said Colin and not Cola? I think so, yes. The thing is, we're all wrong. Because as it happens, this sales ruse is working. The reason they're doing it is because they tried it in Australia and sales rose by 4%. Four?

4%. That's rubbish. It's not rubbish in Coca-Cola terms. They sell billions of bottles. Maybe it's because the population of Australia is growing. Have they cross-referenced the data with external factors? I don't think they stumble into this kind of thing without thinking about it, Helen.

I reckon they're on to a winner. And I think the reason might be that we live in this social age. And I think the point is, even though I find the idea horrifying, and if anyone's done this, please forward the picture on to me so that we can laugh at it. I think the point is even though it i find the idea horrifying and if anyone's done this please forward the picture onto me so that we can laugh at it i think the idea might be you pose with your bottle and upload the photo to facebook i've seen a lot of these pictures on

facebook it's true there you are and see they've got 65 million followers on facebook oh just people who say yes i like coca-cola it's like well of course you do you either like it or you don't like it i mean it's like water i mean it's just everywhere why do you even need to you don't like it. I mean, it's like water. I mean, it's just everywhere. Why do you even need to express that? Well, it's browner than water and it's a lot stickier if you have a shower in it. But it is omnipresent. Seems it's not a differential factor, is it? I like Coke.

I don't like Coke. Fine. I know nothing more about you now. It's a popular thing. Martin, have you drunk Coke from a Martin bottle? No. Well, the thing is, I like cherry Coke. So actually, again,

I'm not being a kind of freedom-loving radical. It's just, I'm odd, but I want the cherries. Well, I think I'm right in saying you can get the cherry ones with names on as well. Yeah, but Cherry Coke is much harder to find anyway. That's right, yes. And the chance of finding your name on it, yeah, I see what you're saying. Is Martin in the top 100 popular? I like Pepsi Max and Dr Pepper Zero.

I mean, I'm really making a run for my own back there. If they started naming those, I'd be there all year trying to find it in the supermarket. What if they start having things like your birthday on it instead? Or just your sexual preferences. That could actually be quite a useful thing, couldn't it? I'm just not sure I want to swallow myself. Hello, I'm Emily. And I'm Charlotte.

And I'm... And together we are... The Bronte Sisters. I've just been on the moor. Have you? I love the moor. It's so very moorish. I know. Why don't we both write questions to answer me this?

Good idea. Let's see who gets published first. Okay, I've got one, I've got one. Helen and Ollie, it's me. Uh, it's Kathy. I've come home and I'm so c-c-c-old. Won't you let me in your window? No!

Good, all right, my turn. Uh, Helen and Ollie, how did that madwoman get in my attic? Oh, yes, very good. Right, why don't we go and spend two years working that into a manuscript? Good idea! What about me? Oh, I shouldn't bother, Anne.

No one will read yours. Right, well, we are nearly at the end of what will no doubt in future decades be seen as a classic episode of Answer Me This, or at least it will be classic when we start calling it classic in four years' time when we start calling it classic in four years time when we start selling it. But we're ending in a way that perhaps the classic radio series

Desert Island Discs does every single week. Michael from Crouch End has written to us to say, Helen, answer me this, if you were on Desert Island Discs, what would your luxury item be? Well, because I'm fond of handicrafts and i'd find that very distracting from the fact that i was dying alone on a desert island in presumably a pool of my own piss because what desert island has a good hygiene facilities uh i would ask for a lot of cotton

prints and needle and thread and scissors so that i could make some patchwork because i don't often do that in real life just curious would you be listening to your Desert Island discs? I find after I've heard a compilation tape that I put together 10 years ago for one nostalgic hit every 10 years, I don't want to keep listening to it again and again on a loop, even if I love those songs. You don't want to make yourself sick of those songs because they're all you have. Although interestingly, quite a few people have listed as their luxury an iPod full of songs or a jukebox that is cheating that is cheating yeah it's not called desert island playlist one of many it seems to be one of the most common things people ask for as their luxury

is a piano and i suppose that's a way of generating more music or because people think oh i'd always love to learn the piano but i won't have enough time unless i'm stuck on a desert island unless you're alan rusbridger i mean a lot of people say they want just as much booze as the island can hold, which I think is probably a more sensible approach. Well, I mean, this is dark, and I wouldn't say this if ever I was invited onto Desert Island Discs, which I'm sure is not an immediate problem for me,

but I would seriously consider a suicide pill because I wouldn't want to drown to death. But I would want the option to end my own life if I got bored. I like the idea of a desert island, but I suspect after a year and I don't think this is any failing in myself I don't think it's ignoble. I just think after a year probably had enough and I'd want to die. Well also the image

of a desert island has got palm trees and stuff on it but that's not desert. No. It's tropical isn't it? Caribbean. I suppose you could have an island that's a bit like a tiny bit of Joshua Tree National Park but even so what are you going to eat? What are you you going to drink well the implication that food is provided otherwise all those luxuries would be and the music would be completely irrelevant but i still hate camping

i wouldn't have a good time i think what people say on the show isn't it is they say oh well there'll be beasts that i can eat but i'm a vegetarian and there'll be water that i can drink there'll be coconuts like it's a given that there are food there's some sort of natural food source yeah right but you're right about the sanitation i mean that's an issue yeah well actually uh andy kershaw the dj uh said he would want uh lots of toilet roll as his luxury but that's very thoughtful no but how are you going to dispose of that hygienically well you don't care do you because you're the only person on the island wash your bum in the sea wouldn't you that'd be fine. Well, I'd consider having a lifetime

supply of antiperspirant which is odd because A, there's no one else there to smell me and people think of antiperspirant as a thing you do

for other people and B, even if you don't like your own natural smell of walking around sweat drenched actually you get

used to it. But it's the fact that I'd know that that has been what separated me from what I was before I was on the desert island. I think that's such a wasted yeah. But it's the fact that I'd know that that has been what separated me from what I was before I was on the desert island. I think that's such a wasted vote. It's like the ballerina Darcy Bustle.

Her luxury is an eyelash curler. Like, you're on your own. Who gives a shit about the straightness of your eyelashes? Although I might shave in some way. If I could fashion some sort of scissors. As much as anything for my comfort, because again, sweaty, isn't it? Maybe a sharpened shell or rock. David walliams had a similar along your lines suicide pill his is a gun that's quite good isn't it because then you can kill other things and

yourself with it i mean it sounds great bullets though you might have to club things to death with the gun to be specific you need to say the accessory and the accessory to murder yeah it's like ruthie henshaw who is a stage actress she She asked for a very Olly Mann item, a jar of Hellman's mayonnaise. Oh, yes. No, but one jar. You could ask for a million jars. Yeah, lifetime supply. Well, yeah, exactly.

What's she going to do when that one jar is run out? And also could go rancid. She's not got refrigeration. She's not got things to put it on. Maybe she's just planning to sit in the jar of mayonnaise to keep her skin moist. If those are Hellman's spa treatment, I think i'd try it actually could you be allowed you're not allowed another person i see if you said massage therapist that doesn't count probably only if it was animatronic i'd maybe go for that one that did happy finishes i know yeah i know that you're pretty relaxed on

your desert island because you've got fuck all else to do apart from survive yeah i think that'd be very relaxing it could be quite dramatic. I mean, look at Castaway. He's having a great time. Yeah, but you know what I mean. You've got a lot of time to sit and reflect. But nonetheless, a massage is always good. What would your luxury be, Martin? Well, the obvious one is a guitar.

Yeah. That's my first thought. But actually a reflection, probably a pen and paper because you can do more with that. I mean, I could sing to myself and write things down whereas with a guitar, I can't draw pictures and make little... Would it frustrate you that the notes you were taking were only for yourself?

No one's going to turn this into a Geoffrey Archer-style prison memoir when you get off the island. Are you aware of my musical career? Martin's album is available at soundoftheladies.com. Many copies. I think the best example of luxury is Simon Cowell's. Would you care to guess what he asked for as a luxury?

High-waisted pants. He's known, isn't he, for Black Lou Roll. Was it Black black loo roll no was it cigarettes no uh what's else simon cowell known for narcissism yes was it a mirror yes was it it was a mirror that is ingenious he's never going to get bored that's a joke about himself though exactly what a dude i think that's funny well done simon i liked it simon yeah and also it'll be something to smash and make into sharp shard so he could slit his wrist when he finally got sick of uh the music that he makes what he's brought upon this world anyway listeners uh you can let us know your luxury or you can just ask us a question if you like by getting in touch through all the communications

means that we keep on our website answer meThisPodcast.com And if your desert island permitted such luxuries as a laptop and a broadband connection, then one of the things you would certainly want to bring with you is our free love film trial. Good idea! Which you can get by simply clicking the button that says Free Love Film Trial on our website. Yes, or AnswerMeThisPodcast.com slash love film

if you have some kind of button blindness. And listen, some of you have been pointing out this is the same trial you can get elsewhere yeah we know that can you please focus on this crucial difference you are supporting our show we get money if you get this free trial yes it's the same as if you went to the love film website but they give us money yeah why do you want to give love film more money when you could be giving us more money they're owned by amazon we're not we have no money yeah and and uh you're thinking, why should I get this love film trial? Let me give you one very good reason.

Okay. All of this life is on there. You see now, I've never seen this life. You haven't. Should I be investing in that? Well, I don't know what it'd be like to see it for the first time now, because I saw it for the first time when it was broadcast in the mid-90s. And so now, going back, it is both revisiting me in the mid-90s and what entertainment was like in the mid 90s and so now going back it is both revisiting me in the mid 90s and what entertainment

was like in the mid 90s and a lot of people do say things like come on it's the 90s no one drinks champagne anymore there's a lot of very bold camera work by which they mean no tripod yeah really like seasick on an earthquake type stuff however i was expecting it to be absolutely unwatchably cringeworthy, but it's holding up pretty well. The scripting is good, so maybe it is worth you giving a go. So you have been watching it on Love Film.

How far have you got? Well, I'm only two episodes in because the character called Egg has been talking a lot about Alan Hansen and Incy, the footballer. I got a bit irritated after that, but I will persevere. And listeners, if you want to retro live tweet

along with me, we'll do that sometime. helen yeah because they've got dawson's creek on there and party of five so i think we could do a lot of 90s uh live retro i'd be up for i'm to be honest not going to watch dawson's creek from the beginning but i'd be up for three episodes yeah if i could maybe look on wikipedia and find the ones that are widely deemed to be classic yes okay i would revisit them enough we should say as well by the way there are like recent box office films on that film as well not just shit tv shows from the 90s wide range of content available for you there exactly so do go and check that out and also on our website of course there are links so that you can buy the answer me this app and our previous episodes that

are behind the answer me this wall of pay episodes 1 to 120 yes um so please do that that's another way that you can give us money all of which we appreciate very very much but the thing we appreciate most is your attention and please return next week to give us another 30 or so minutes of it for Answering the 260 please do, see you then bye