Answer Me This! - AMT264: Skee-Lo, Dead Dogs and Picnics

Episode Date: July 25, 2013

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Is it called the Lone Ranger because just one person saw it? Answer me this, answer me this Will this final demand go away if I just ignore it? Answer me this, answer me this Helen and Ollie, answer me this Unfortunately, since last week's episode, nobody has been in touch to offer a magical solution to Jon and Wrexham's extremely complicated relationship slash family problem. Yeah, it's almost as if

it was a highly unusual and complex situation that couldn't be resolved quickly in a comedy manner. I just don't believe those exist, Ollie. But people have been in touch with their own relationship problems. Hooray! Yeah, good, yeah. It's food and drink to us, isn't it? Yes, we

do find your misery delicious and nutritious. I'm ready to sup. Well, Ollie, nosh on this question from Stephen in Bristol, who says, I've been with my girlfriend for nearly two years, but I've recently come to the decision that I want to break up. Well, it's good that you're telling us first, Stephen. Yes, I do still like her and enjoy her company, but no more than that. My initial passion has faded, and i think it's unfair to keep hoping that deeper feelings will develop when i'm fairly certain that they will not god

how times have changed helen you know in the past it would have been does she have childbearing hips that was the only question can her father pay the dowry now now it's her goat's good now it's has my initial passion remained at the level it was before we'd had sexual union? That's maybe an unrealistic expectation. We have such high ideals, Ollie. Exactly. But if you know deep down something's not working, then I think you have to acknowledge it. I think that's right.

And I suppose I'm not proposing a return to the old ways. I'm just saying times have changed. I mean, I think it's good that people can say two years into a relationship rather than 50 years into a marriage. Not sure. Yeah. I think that's good. Rather than 50 years time. I hate you and i've hated the last 50 years every minute i've

wasted the one chance in life i'm gonna have yeah and every time i look at my own children i see your face sometimes the inkling i get from conversations with my mother anyway steven says i've just returned from a three-week work trip abroad during which time my girlfriend was house sitting for me and looking after my cat. As far as I can tell, my girlfriend does not want to break up and is not yet aware that I do. So, Ollie, answer me this.

How long is it reasonable to wait after getting home before having the dreaded breakup conversation in order that she doesn't feel that I callously used her for her cat-feeding skills, even though this actually is the case, as I would have had very few other options for said cat what about a cattery steven for god's sake yeah but those are very expensive helen and i know i've just uh splurged 300 pounds on a cattery for coco whilst we were moving house but what price emotional expense i think the cat sitting is actually a red herring anyway She's done it now She can't take that back

It's not one way you have to wait to sugarcoat this It's one way you can just come out and say it It's not ideal but no time is ideal And in a way It's slightly more ideal to do it as you come back From time abroad Saying I've had time to think about the status Of our relationship

And I think it's not being fair to you To insinuate that i think we should still be together because it's natural isn't it that when you spend time apart you spend more time analyzing uh in a kind of truer way i guess what your feelings are they're not um uh stymied by how you see that person on a daily basis yeah and how they keep away the existential loneliness just by being in the same room as you although of course the course, the flip side of that is, let's be honest, you're probably going to come back after three weeks abroad and more than likely you're going to have sex pretty much instantly.

At almost no other time in a relationship are you more guaranteed to have instant sex upon seeing each other than when you've just been away for three weeks. So I think the problem is then you can't do it in the pillow talk. You can't at that point go, yeah, I've had some time to think about our relationship. And relationship and you know the last half an hour is really nice and everything but you know that's kind of awkward okay so maybe what he needs to do is to go away for another three weeks come back withhold sex and then break up with her yeah exactly uh well from cats to our

other furry friends dogs oh i thought it was going to be mammoths uh let's make you happy dogs you like dogs i do like them not all them, but I like them more than cats because dogs live for love and cats live to make you feel inferior. And I prefer to be the alpha in the relationship, which is why I prefer dogs. Yeah. It's a question about dogs from Helena,

who says, Helen, answer me this. What type of person washes their dog using pina colada dog shampoo? The kind of person that prefers the smell of pina colada to fox shit. Which is most of us, when you put it like that. Yeah, I hate pina colada, but fox shit is worse. I was going to say Del Boy, but there's a broader demographic, isn't there, of people who don't like the smell of fox shit?

Does Del Boy like pina colada? Yeah, it's his drink of choice, isn't it? If you like pina colada, and not the smell of dogs in the rain we were discussing that song the other day both of us said we didn't know the second line of that song it's something to do with rain but and i said the reason we don't know the second line of that song is because we've watched loads of 80s movies where it's cut to someone who's just done a bank job or something and they're sitting by a cocktail bar and it'll go if you like pina colada but then the music fades as the scene starts and they're sipping their cocktail you know that they're on holiday

but you don't know the rest of the song. Anyway, Pina Colada is, I think, a niche flavouring. Yeah. You've got to like both pineapple and coconut. And them together. That's true with the drink, but I'm not sure with the dog shampoo that's true, because you're just smelling sugar, really, aren't you? It's sugar.

It's not going to smell that different to candy floss flavour, is it? I absolutely hate the smell of coconut flavoured toiletries. Really? Yes. And yet it's sugar no it's not going to smell that different to candy floss flavor is it i absolutely hate the smell of coconut flavored toiletries really yeah it's my favorite how different we are i think it would depend what kind of dog you own as to whether you'd be likely to use pina colada shampoo i think it's not appropriate for a pitbull it is appropriate for a chihuahua i don't know it might be a useful kind of counterbalance to the threatening demeanor of so many pitbulls i'm not saying the pit bulls wouldn't like it. I'm saying generally, this is a stereotype, generally the kind of people that have pit bulls and Rottweilers

aren't the kind of people who would like them to smell of pina colada. But they might be cheapskates, and it's possible that the pina colada shampoo is cheaper than the shampoo that smells of, I don't know, what would be a good dog shampoo smell? Pine? You want something quite manly if it's like a big fighting dog, wouldn't it?

I suppose if you're going to choose a fruit to massage a manly dog with, it would be apple. Men's perfumes are always like, yeah, smells of tobacco and burning rubber and diesel.

What about Tabasco? When I buy body shop products, I go for olive or lemon. Those are the most masculine scents that they do. And also, you can mix them together to make a delicious salad dressing on your body.

Well, here is a question from Simon and Kendall, who says, I was recently listening to the classic 90s hip-hop tune I Wish by Ski-Lo. Someone's got to. No, they don't. Well, it's not like if no one's listening to I Wish by Ski-Lo, everyone dies.

It's not like you need to keep a constant vigil. I suppose I was reflecting there my sympathy for Ski-Lo as an artist who presumably only makes royalties from airplay of that song. If no one does, he can't pay his rent. Poor Ski-Lo. I like that song. Well, Simon and Kendall says, as a single man who is just five feet six inches tall

and not very good at sports, I can identify with the lyrics of the song. I wish I was a little bit taller. I wish I was a baller. I wish I had a girl who looked good. I would call her. Yes, although it is always nice to call your girl, even if she's not conventionally attractive.

She may have other features that you like. And in any case, in the 90s, there wasn't video calling. However, says Simon, it is the next line that confuses me. I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat. Ollie aunts me this. What is Ski-Lo referring to here? Does he wish he was a magician as well as a tall basketball player? Or is it a metaphor for something else?

And is it a bat as in the flying rodent thing? Or as in, you know, cricket bat? I think underpinning these lyrics in general, the thrust is, I like this girl. I'd like her to like me. But I'm so inadequate. Exactly. In every way.

I don't even have a pet bat. But I think what he's saying is, you know, I wish I was a baller, but equally, I'd wish to be anything to get this girl that I like. And one of the things

that I think he is saying is not actually that he wants to be a magician. But he would like the magical ability to transform himself into this girl getting form. Exactly. Oh, Ollie, you've shed light on a 20-year mystery.

And I think possibly there is an element of saying magicians get attention. Is it for the right reason, though? David Copperfield, he was a sex bomb then. Yes, he was. Paul Daniels. Getting all the girls. Yes, he was. Paul Daniels. Getting all the girls. Yes, Paul.

So I think he's acknowledging that magicians are sometimes eye-catching to women, despite the fact that, ironically, they spend most of their teenage years just practising cards to themselves in a mirror. And so he's saying, I wish I had that skill of being attractive, regardless of occupation. Yes, or I suppose the illusory abilities to make himself appear taller, even if he physically isn't. Yes.

I think you're right about the content, but you're ignoring the form. I think rap is a primarily improvisation. Yes, yes. So he's kind of, you probably thought, I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller. So it's actually him brainstorming about what things he could do to attract this girl, and they're the first things that come into his head. Well, what makes it compelling is it's spontaneity.

It's a direct line to his subconscious there's no filtering going on at this stage because of that process of the creation of rap martin i think that's why we end up with rabbit in a hat with a bat yes bats don't normally accompany rabbits but there's a sporting link isn't there well because you use bats assuming we are talking about sports bats well it works both ways yet despite the fact that this could indeed have been improvised and really only exist because the rhyme is quite satisfying, nonetheless, people have analysed this online and

people seem determined to find quite an unflattering implication to what he's saying. Oh, no. Not Ski-Lo. This is, I think, the most inventive opinion that I've seen. Okay. Bat is a reference to Bacardi As in the Bacardi bat

What? I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bottle of Bacardi That's stupid It gets nastier Rabbit in a hat means a magic trick Referring to a prostitute or whore Someone who turns tricks Basically he wants a hoe and some booze

I don't know that that's really in the spirit of the song. And I don't think the audience would understand it. No, it's too elusive, isn't it? And he's being very direct. I wish I was a little bit taller. Yeah. I'm short, I'd like to be taller. Yeah.

Why would he say bat when he could just say, I wish I also had a bottle of Bacardi? Yeah, if that's what you want and you get a bat, then you're going to be sorely disappointed. If you wanted to prostitute and a bottle of Bacardi, you could just pay for it. But he wants to attract women by his own charms and by his catching of the eye.

I think there's a reasonable chance that Scello, one of his many associates, is listening and he could get in touch to shed some light upon what he was on about. It's almost inevitable

that if Scello listens to podcasts, he listens to this one. Yeah, well, what else is he up to? No, really, what is he up to at the moment? If you've got a question, email your question

to answermethispodcastatgooglemail.com answermethispodcastatgooglemail.com answermethispodcastatgooglemail.com answermethispodcastatgooglemail.com answermethispodcastatgooglemail.com So, retrospectives, what historical events are we ticking off on this week's run of Today in History?

On Monday, we bring you the real story of the mutiny on the bounty. On Tuesday, the anniversary of the day somebody invented the meatball, but who? On Wednesday, the iconic British car that ripped off an iconic American car. On Thursday, how American airlines invented air miles. And on Friday, the UFO sighting that gripped colonial America. We discuss this and more on Today in History with The Retrospectors. Ten minutes each weekday, wherever you get your podcasts. Now, if we are all to take a look at our Helen Zaltzman pie charts, which we all keep,

if you are to analyse how Helen spends her time, a decent slice of that pie would probably be... Watching Twin Peaks on Love Film. Oh, you can do that too, listeners. Answermethispodcast.com slash lovefilm. Throw some cash our way. Yeah, and throw some weirdness your way. But anyway, I wasn't going to say that. I was going to say a decent proportion of your time, Helen,

is, as we all know, spent doing handicrafts. That's a thing that you like doing, isn't it? I do like doing it, Ollie. And this is a question of handicrafts from Ellie from California. Right. Who says, Every year when I ask my mum, and because she's American, she spelt it mom, what she wants for her birthday.

Has she spelt that birthday? She has. Her answer is always something you've made. How old are you, Ellie? Four? At 21, I feel it is embarrassing for me To still be giving her badly knitted scarves Or lumpy hand sewn pillows Why did you have to graduate from the macaroni collage?

I used to love doing those I've forgotten all about those So you just said it It was the satisfaction of just gluing a piece of paper And then chucking pasta at it And lentils Yeah And spraying it all silver

Who came up with that idea? It's such a mental idea isn't it? It's a horrible waste of food Yeah but is it a waste when it keeps children out of your way? Well's such a mental idea, isn't it? It's a horrible waste of food. Yeah, but is it a waste when it keeps children out of your way? Well, couldn't you give them something inedible? Like some fluff off the carpet? Well, to a lot of people, lentils

and dried kidney beans are inedible, Martin. Well, maybe in the 80s, yes. But things have moved on. Hope Made Gifts continues, Ellie, are lovely if they're made by someone skilled. I've never been very artistic or crafty, and even my best efforts tend not to turn out very well. I wonder if Ellie's mother is actually aware of this fact.

She ought to be after 21 years of shit gifts. She's actually desperately hoping that she'll improve through practice. Or maybe you're better than you think you are, you just don't enjoy it. Maybe your mum genuinely likes your outfit. Maybe she just can't let go of the adorable phase where your child comes home with like a bird's nest made out of old tights and sticks yeah and actually i do sort of understand the attraction to that period because my mom's got a load of crap that i made when i was a kid like there's a a clay but you know when you you first use clay and just the excitement of molding something and putting it in the kiln is so incredible yes that you sort of don't realize that form and function

have to be part of the design process yeah my mum's still got a clay man with a big beard that's got like pigs nesting in the beard that i made well that sounds brilliant it sounds like you're an early handicraft genius showing signs of your potential straight away it's madness ollie it's madness why do you have pigs in your beard god mine. Mine is ostensibly a sheep, but really it's just an oval that I put in the kiln. It's a Julian Opie sheep. You were ahead of your time. Yeah. Anyway, Ellie continues.

My mum has saved every crappy thing I've ever made her. Aww. And I know handmade gifts from me are very dear to her. Aww. When in the past I've tried to explain that I felt too old to give her such gifts, she seemed hurt. So, Helen, answer me this. Am I doomed to make her ugly homemade gifts for the rest of my adult life?

Or is there a way to transition to more grown-up gifts without hurting her feelings? And if you do feel that I should continue giving her handmade gifts, can you suggest some things that would require minimal talent or skill? Well, the macaroni collage. I think maybe you introduce a transitionary period. So start buying her gifts, but include for a few gift rounds, a few Christmases and birthdays, some ever smaller token of homemade-ness. So like maybe now you make a crappy brooch,

but maybe in a year it's just a card. By the time you're 50, Ellie, it's just a gift tag, isn't it? Also, you could soften the blow, Ellie, by giving her something that is handmade, just not by you. Go on Etsy and get her something that's a bit crafty. I was going to say, so obviously not being interested in homemade things particularly, I've never been on Etsy, but is that essentially the same as those sites where you can pay a professional chef

to deliver food round to your house and then pretend that you cooked it at a dinner party yeah I mean there's lots of properly professionally made stuff

on Etsy but if you're looking for something that does look like you've made it there's more so that as the heir of homemade homemade by someone else like Gita's chutney

that claims to be homemade yet we all know it's mass produced it's in Tesco maybe one way to get you to enjoy more the crafting is you could go to

one of these like classes where you and a bunch of your friends produced it's in tesco maybe one way to get you to enjoy more the crafting is you could go to one of these like classes where you and a bunch of your friends sit in a library for two hours and make something whilst you're all drinking prosecco yeah that maybe will will make you feel a bit less like this is a burden yeah and more just like an activity and you can offload the results onto your mom but with all these things they then become more social than they do related to the product coming out the end of it don't they yeah well maybe that is what your mum is going to have to accept that you prefer the society of others to making yeah nearly everything i make craft wise is for gifts and i don't really have any of the stuff i make at home but the feeling i do have is that you're sort of imposing upon people when you give them a handmade gift

what if they don't like it but they know that effort went into it and so they're obliged to keep it yeah i mean actually is there a possibility ellie i know you say that your mum would be hurt if you stopped and that she genuinely seems to love these things is there a possibility she's just trying not to hurt your feelings and now feels she has to ask every year for a handmade thing this is why i say do it gradually yeah so start start with the parallels because then that gives you both an exit point but i suppose the problem is if you're asking your mom what she wants and she's saying oh something handmade she's not giving you any help if ellie's got to start buying her gifts she doesn't know what to get her right yeah because her mother is no help on that school maybe a box to keep the

handmade things in she's made before maybe a book of shit your mother can crochet the last time i made something for my mother uh was uh in around about i would say 1994 and the previous year she'd asked my father to get her a johnny depp calendar and a good time to get it well her birthday's new year's eve so it's an ideal time to get it yeah but i mean also in the era of debt prett. Before he started looking like a dream catcher. Yes, that's quite right. So I thought I'd make her a sort of hunky men calendar. That's a good present. But not being particularly interested in hunky men, I only had the resources at my disposal,

which was my subscription to Lookin'. Right, what was Lookin'? Well, Lookin' was a sort of pre-teen magazine that I subscribed to, but really it was probably skewing a bit more girl than boy. I sort of didn't really make the distinction in my mind between the sort of beefcake type men that my mum was interested in. Like in that era, I suppose, Dean Cain was the classic beefcake.

Indeed. I didn't really make the distinction between that and the kind of men that were being pushed towards pre-teen girls in Lookin'. Mark Owen. So, yes, I made her a calendar that was... Dean Cain versus Mark Owen. Almost exclusively Mark Owen and Sean Maguire. teen girls in looking so yes i made her a calendar dean kane versus mark owen almost exclusively mark owen and sean mcguire there's a lot of curtain hair which i now realize like giving

a 43 year old woman essentially a calendar of uh adolescent looking hairless boys jailbird probably yeah probably wasn't she probably wasn't into it but she was very gracious you know well i suppose at least with that if you've if you're a 40-something woman and you've got a pin-up of Sean Maguire on your wall, at least you can say, well, look, my son made it. You can see it's got felt tip on it. I didn't buy this.

And in a way, it could be a good get-out. And also, you only have to keep it for a year because it's a calendar. So maybe, Ellie, what you need to do is make things that have this obvious expiry date. Five Star Hotel It had an omelette station do is make things that have this obvious expiry date. There's ethernet, not Wi-Fi like it's 1998. But there was a swim-up bar in the rooftop pool. Three Star Hotel. A bit more down to earth.

They did still have a pool, but it was full of kids. Two Star Hotel. A lot more down to earth. They also had a pool, but it was full of dogs. One Star Hotel, there's a body in the pool. Answer Me This Holiday, all the fun of travelling with none of the stinky toilets or frightening food. Out now at answermethispodcast.com slash albums.

Yes, the Answer Me This Holiday album is out now one hour of stuff you've never heard uh and you can get unless you've already bought it unless you've already bought it in which case thanks but what we mean is we haven't culled it from previous episodes of answer me this no it's new anyway you can get that from itunes or amazon for £2.49 and uh hello to roy who tweeted me to say he was listening to Answer Me This Holiday whilst he was on holiday and specifically he was listening to my bit about Cancun whilst he was in Cancun

No way! It must have been a weird transcendental experience And was he having the same experience that you had in Cancun as described on the album so I won't repeat it here Inevitably because that is what you do in Cancun So he was effectively being violated Here's a summary question from Sarah from Twickenham, who says,

my boyfriend and I are going to see an open-air production of Much Ado About Nothing. Oh, no. What? That's one of the better ones. It's called The Bickering. Oh, Beatrice, you're not initially attractive, but let's stick with it anyway. Over three hours, we might grow to love each other a bit.

Classic rom-com. Ugh. I think in the title there, ado about nothing shakespeare is telling you spoiler alert i bother yeah i've slightly tossed this one out it's a bit lightweight okay you know it's no hamlet it's not as bad as the comedy of errors or cymbeline but it's just you know outdoor cymbeline you just drown yourself when you be like mosquitoes take me there's some good lines i just think out of all the outdoor ones, it's the one I'd least like to see outdoors.

Okay, all right. Well, assuming you continue to bother with this excursion, Sarah, I'll continue with your question. She says, picnics are welcome at the event. Disrespect to the art. And we fully intend to bring one with us, along with a nice bottle of white wine. Ollie, answer me this.

What makes a perfect picnic? I definitely think a scotch egg. Yes. And some strawberries should be involved. I actually dislike strawberries. Do you? Yeah, I'm not indifferent to them. I actively dislike them.

Well, a bad strawberry is a really bad piece of fruit. I just... In summer fruits, it's way down there after... It's no cherries. It's no cherry. It's no raspberry. It's no apricot. It's no mango. It's no nectarine. It's no peach. It's no plum. It's no cherry It's no raspberry It's no apricot It's no mango

It's no nectarine It's no peach It's no plum It's no blueberry That's how far down it is They're a bit watery They're always a bit less flavoursome That's because they don't grow them properly anymore

And they ship them over from Spain They're not even ripe They're exposed to sulfur to make them red Anyway Some disagreement about strawberries I think also with strawberries You've got a problem with portability Because they're very easy to damage

Yeah they bruise And no one wants a squished strawberry, do they? Anyway, I think what we're doing is we're tearing apart her strawberry notion. These are the things she's committed to taking. She's asking us for things that we'd also add to that list. Take a more portable fruit. And if you take a cherry,

well, not a cherry, lots of cherries, then you can throw the stones at the actors when you're bored. That's the definition of selfishness, going to a picnic and saying, oh, I bought a cherry. You can have a bit if you like should i carve you up please um i think really that um it's hard to beat a very simple picnic where you've just got uh some very nice cheese and very nice bread although i actually have a real potent nostalgia for chicken legs at a picnic

because i was a massive fan of the Cosgrove Hall adaptation of The Wind in the Willows. And there's a scene where Moly and Ratty have a picnic in that where even though it's an animatronic chicken thigh, it just looks so tasty and it's right there in my subconscious. Oh, that is one of the all-time great picnics of literature.

Yes, it is. Slash claymation. An essential to take on a picnic isn't even a food stuff it's a knife you go on many picnics where no one's got a knife and no one's got a corkscrew and actually a bin it's something to put the rubbish in people don't think about that you can use the bag that you brought the picnic stuff in but then if you want to salvage some and take it home you don't want that mixed up with the rubbish so bring a separate bag for the rubbish very important yeah

although generally i i do prefer i know this is disgusting and first world of me i do prefer to eat everything at the picnic and just throw it all away at the end whatever's left i don't really like saving stuff over because it gets a bit picnic fuck doesn't it there's a bit of grass in it that's sort of slightly crispy hummus when mayonnaise yeah and when mayonnaise is fizzy yeah i think also if she's going to be outside she has to take food that is not going to attract insects because i've been to outdoor shakespeare and my abiding memory is just coming back with 30 insect bites i weirdly sort of feel slightly disrespectful towards the actors as well even though it is a picnic event and i know that at the globe they ate and they threw oranges and they did chat for

five hours during the play but now they also died when they were 30 yeah exactly different age now they didn't have the time to wait for lunch and yet it depends what the act is for example there's these um picnic concerts by the lake at kenwood kenwood house right and i've been to a few of those and it's normally things like tchaikovsky and bait over loud loud fireworks yeah and you feel okay about it this year they've gone a bit rogue they've got michael ball one night that's reasonable picnic fodder they've also got keenen and Suede And I was thinking If I was Keen or Suede

Okay I'm aware I can't sell stadiums anymore And it might be quite a nice gig to play To people in their 30s and 40s However It would be a bit weird to see your fans Not jumping up and down at the front as they used to But actually eating kettle chips and Waitrose They've got an on-site Waitrose at Kenwood

They're one of the sponsors And so it's like really kind of like Quails, eggs and mozzarella balls kind of festival and i don't know if i used to be on heroin what happened if and so because i'm thinking well if i was swayed i'd be a bit embarrassed for myself even though i'd like to see suede and eat mozzarella at the same time i kind of feel like i maybe shouldn't be doing it whilst i'm watching hi it's becky from London. Helen and Ollie and Matt and the Salmon. That's me there. The hell is barley water? Like, barley's a grain. Why is it in my drink?

And what uses it's used to be isn't going to be good for you. Well, tea is a leaf, isn't it? What's that doing in your drink? Orange is a fruit. What's that doing in your drink? Things grow, then they go into drinks. Ice is solid water. What's it doing in there?

I mean, barley seems a reasonable ingredient to put in a thing. Well, it is a bit weird. I mean, it'd be like putting a potato in your drink? Things grow, then they go into drinks. Ice is solid water. What's it doing in there? I mean, barley seems a reasonable ingredient to put in a thing. Well, it is a bit weird. I mean, it'd be like putting a potato in your drink. Although I suppose Russians do that in vodka. Exactly. I never really questioned it, but I just associate barley water with being squashed. Yeah. There's no real difference, is there? Well, Martin, actually

barley water seems to be quite the revelation when you look into it. It seems to be some kind of miraculous health substance. Because barley is a rich source of fibre, B vitamins, vitamin E, selenium, calcium, magnesium, iron, potassium and zinc, and dietary fibre, which assists in lowering cholesterol in the body. It's great for cardiovascular health. Your urine doesn't smell as bad.

It helps maintain healthy bowels. I don't think I'd like barley if I met it in a bar. It would be coming up to me and being like, you know, I'm not really religious, but I'm spiritual. No, that's quinoa. Yeah, that is quinoa. It helps get rid of toxins from the body and it helps prevent urinary tract infections.

For pregnant women, it seems to be quite the boon in stopping them having constipation and piles and all sorts of things. Okay. So is it actually a health supplement? Is that what it's doing in the drink? Because it's often in drinks that aren't particularly healthy. I mean, squash, you know, it's healthier than Coke, isn't it?

But it's still water and sugar, basically. I always assumed that there was no barley in barley water, and it was some historic reason. Like corned beef, there's no corn in it. But no, there was barley in it, and apparently barley has a lovely mild flavour just on its own before you add all the artificial orange flavour. So I think barley water is still

the official drink of Wimbledon, because it's so healthy. Hmm. But really, you know, when you've been sweating on a court for six hours in 40 degree heat, you probably don't care what you're drinking. Well, that's right. Drinking Roger Federer's urine. After my commute, when I find the time I can always send a question to the question line

inquiries are wanted it's all part of the plan a la helen or ollie or martin here's a question from Rick who says Ollie, answer me this Whatever happened to Schnorbitz the dog? Who? Yes, that's right, Martin We're all too young I was born in 1980

So Schnorbitz the dog It sounds like the kind of entertainment That would have been in British television in the 70s Yes yes correct and actually in my mind i've just realized he's actually spit the dog which was bob carol jesus puppet uh who also was before our time i've never seen bob carol jesus but i have in my mind scilla black going yes thanks to bob carol that's right yeah because he that's right he was the second fiddle on surprise Surprise. Yeah, but I've only seen her saying that because sometimes you play me the YouTube video of the end credits of Scylla singing Surprise Surprise.

Because it's amazing. Because what show ends with someone like that singing the theme tune? Live, every week. Spit the Dog was like kind of Gordon the Gopher ten years before Gordon the Gopher. So that's what that was. Kids from the 70s know who it was.

Somewhere between, is this sort of straight line between Gordon the Gopher and Basil Bush, isn't it? Exactly, just so. But anyway, Schnorbitz he was a Saint Bernard dog that variety performer Bernie Winters used to take on stage with him to entertain children. Again, a name that I know but I don't know anything about

Bernie Winters. All I know is that he was from a Jewish family, 1960s variety star. His agent was Joan and Jackie Collins' dad. Wow. Was a big variety star with his brother. Then, when variety died... He replaced his brother with a dog.

Basically, yes. Well, Rick says, I read in a popular men's magazine many years ago that Schnorbitz the dog exploded on stage like some sort of shit bomb in front of an audience of schoolchildren. Yeah, I found online the reference to this. You're not the only one who remembers this uh rick apparently there was a letter in fhm so dubious source i think if it had been gq or esquire i'd

hold it a bit more to you aren't those letters usually about having sex with three women unexpectedly in the back of a volvo there's there's a there's a sort of retro nostalgia bit in it or they used to be someone wrote in in apparently to say that Schnorbitz was on stage in a primary school and then just suddenly started emptying his arse uncontrollably and died. Like Tommy Cooper, but in a kid's school. Death does involve muscle relaxation, so if he was dying, then spells would empty. Yeah, that's right. But I had read that he died of rectal prolapse. Is that a myth?

Well, look. Dig him up and find out, Ollie. The official line from the current owner of a Schnorbitz dynasty dog which is Blackpool magician Richard Devere is that Schnorbitz died of unknown causes. Also St. Bernard's only live about 8-10 years. That's

their average lifespan so I think probably he's hot. Gave out maybe. Well, there's a rumour. Again, another ridiculous nefarious online rumour. And I don't really know who Schnorbitz is. Apparently in the playgrounds doing the rounds in the 70s, the rumour was that the Schnorbitz that was on telly was itself Schnorbitz 2. And that Schnorbitz 1...

Now, see, I go with the rumour that far. The playground rumour, which is patiently absurd to any adult, is that apparently Schnorbitz 1 had been tied to a railway track. Why? Exactly. Why would you do that? Why would you? You've got a showbiz dog. That's insane. It just sounds like one of those stories that kids tell, doesn't it? And by extension FHM.

Well, that kind of attitude, Martin, is how Jimmy Savile got away with it for so long. Yeah, just making up stories about people they've seen on telly. Maybe I need to suspend my scepticism. I have a death of Schnorbitz fact that I think will be more interesting to you, Olly Mann, than maybe listeners to this podcast. Is he my real father? Bernie Winters announced the Death of Schnorbits in tears and great upset

on the young Chris Evans' nighttime radio show. Oh, wow, that is good. So that would suggest to me that he had not tied him to a railing and that he had not died of prolapse because i feel like chris evans would have dropped in that detail it does rather seem like both of the rumors we've discussed are indeed just that just rumors yeah dogs die um but i'm happy to i mean bear in mind we we have no feelings about schnaubitz or any prior knowledge i'm happy to invite listeners who do know who perhaps were part of that school congregation you never know if you were there and you saw this if you let us know or if you want you could send us a question

yeah you can do that as well doesn't have to be about showbiz dogs can be about whatever you like all of our contact details are on our website answer me this podcast.com and also on our website by clicking on the button that says classic episodes you can buy the first three years worth of the show yes by classic we just mean old yeah but that's like a lot of the films that come up on turner classic movies that's right and some of those are really good aren't they like casablanca some of them are rubbish like uh comedies with richard prior or the film psychopath that i watched on holiday which was an early 60s film that you know given a title like psychopath you would expect it to have some kind of psychological

insight into the condition of psychopathy, but it was instead about a young man and his mother obsessed with dolls, so they killed people and they left a doll next to their victim that looked like the victim. There was no twist. The thing is, like, if there's a film with some people who have a creepy obsession with dolls,

then you're pretty sure that they are the psychopath in question. Anyway, some of our episodes are as good as that. Some of them are a bit more like Marnie or that era. Yeah, they're all as good in comparative podcast terms as Early Hitchcock. Anyway, it's hours of entertainment and you support our podcast by buying them, so thanks very much. Yes, in advance.

And thank you very much in advance for returning next week for Answer Me This 265. See you then. Bye!