Answer Me This! - AMT270: Ostrich Eggs, Gorilla Balls and Zombies

Episode Date: September 5, 2013

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If I put a top hat on my watch, does that make it a smart watch? Answer me this, answer me this. If I put butter in whiskey, does that make butterscotch? Answer me this, answer me this. Helen and Ollie, answer me this. Last week's show was particularly exciting for listener Will. Why, I hear you ask. Why, I ask, so that you can hear me asking it.

Is it because he lives in the Lindbergh baby house? No. Is he volunteering to go on vacation with Pat from Canada? No, he's not. Sorry, Pat. I wasn't asking, Ollie. Fuck you. That wasn't a Canadian accent, by the way.

It was just an accent that came into my mouth. To be honest, that was probably more accurate than if you tried to do a Canadian accent. Absolutely. In fact, listener Will is asking about the website that's got the world talking, dicksmac.org. It does seem to be remarkably popular. Now, for those of you that missed it, because this was towards the end of last week's show as well, we were talking about domain

names, quite a dry subject really, and Helen Rift, in that way that she does, I thought of a domain name, dicksmac.org, as a way of explaining how you don't have to be a charity to register a .org website. Is Will going to say you do have to be the charity Dicksmack to have Dicksmack.org rather than.com? It's actually a very serious problem, in fact. People getting hit in the face with dicks happens all the time.

Unless we talk about it, we're never going to solve it. No. I've got Bob Gild off on board. No, what he's doing actually is just pointing out, extraordinarily, that the domain name is still available. He says, I've spent the last ten years trying to find decent domain names. And I still haven't, thank you. And every man and his dog has bought speculatively, so I can't. Then I heard you talk about DickSmack.org and was stunned that you mentioned a domain that was still available.

It's still available at time of recording so how come will didn't snap it up if he's been on the lookout yeah i think this is him jeopardizing his own internet entrepreneurship here why didn't he register it first by next episode i expect one of you listeners to have bought it and i'd be very interested to see what you do with it i don't want you just to make it a site of people smacking things with dicks i hear there's plenty of those on the web already i wouldn't know or smacking themselves in the dick no or smacking other people in the dick no what's a creative way to use and interpret dicksmack.org yeah let's bbc4 this name yeah that's not icv2 it yeah hello it's tim from brighton uh helen molly answer me this

i would make a massive omelette um can you buy ostrich eggs? And if so, where from? You can buy ostrich eggs, the equivalent to having 24 hen's eggs. Admittedly, they're not that frequent an occurrence in the average shop that sells other egg things. Are they a Waitrose thing? Yes, you can get them on Waitrose online, of course. I also went to ostrich.org.uk, which has links to various ostrich product shops.

And there was one called oslink.co.uk, which is the home of the Lincolnshire ostriches. And Oslink sells them for around £20 each, which is actually a lot more expensive than just buying really good free range organic ones, or even duck eggs. So I would just buy lots of nice smaller eggs, because once you've whipped it up into an omelette, you won't know that it was a big egg once. Yeah, if you're making an omelette. But if you're making like a tuna nicoise, and the egg is the centerpiece oh but i've seen a hard-boiled ostrich egg and it looked quite nasty because the albumen goes kind of gray and translucent and so what is a good recipe to use an ostrich egg for i don't know you could use it to make macaroons or um meringues ostrich macaroons is just needlessly out of the league, isn't it? I think the thing is,

it's difficult to cook it if you keep it whole. But if you made, say, a massive ostrich scotch egg, you'd probably have to boil the egg for about an hour. But then if you're breaking it down into more manageable components, no need to be a 20 pound ostrich egg, right? Actually, another problem with making an ostrich egg omelette is you would need

a massive frying pan, like a paella pan or something. I wonder if the price of the egg is dictated by the scarcity though surely if asda decided they wanted to stock ostrich eggs if they really invested in the ostrich egg market which seems unlikely but hey it happened for hummus you can never always predict these things it's like little in the five pound lobster exactly yeah if asda decided they were going to do that then actually probably that would really bring the price down because you'd have more ostriches well i wonder whether ostriches are not very frequent at laying apparently uh the ostrich egg season runs from march till the beginning of september so you really need to get

on it now tim if you want to here's another question of egg-shaped objects from drew who says one of my balls hangs lower than the other i find this quite troubling or he answered me this is this normal no go and see a doctor immediately. You are about to combust. Or are my balls just weird? Aren't all balls asymmetrical? I haven't seen all the balls, but in my balls survey, they're asymmetrical.

27.3% of men have equally proportioned testicles. Whoa! So there we go. So no. And in fact, 21% of men have the left testicle being higher and the majority have the right testicle being slightly higher. Oh, how curious.

And the reason for this, Drew, and it's not weird at all, is function. It stops them banging into each other so you can make little baby Drews in the future. Yeah, and you don't want a Newton's cradle happening in your pants, do you? Exactly that. It's perpetual motion right there. So there you go. I think the most exciting testicle fact that i've discovered is that you've got a pair one day helen i'll discover that in your christmas stocking maybe finally confront someone on a

matter of personal belief did this disney store sell nuts and you get one there um what i've discovered is that human testicles are smaller than a chimpanzee's testicles. Now that in itself, I guess, is not that amazing. How big are chimpanzees? Wait for it. But larger than a gorilla's testicles. Oh, I knew that. Because everyone knows that gorillas are severely lacking in the undercarriage. Really? I didn't know that.

Tiny little wangs. I'm assuming, Drew, that you're talking about your balls having dropped. But if you have one testicle that is undescended, then you should ask your doctor about that. That's a possibility isn't it from his he doesn't give us much information he certainly did not supply a photo and for that i thank him yes especially since it sounds like he's probably under 18 well here is another blokey question from sam who says i recently endured what i'm sure every male in a relationship has had to. Care to guess? No, because I'm in a relationship and anything I say will be damaging.

Exquisite happiness. A day out shopping with the girlfriend. Ollie and Martin the sour man answer me this. How do you keep yourselves entertained and occupied on such outings? I'm furious about this because if anything, I go shopping largely on my own

so that I don't have to put him through this. Martin have you been in situations where helen's shopping for things that maybe you're not so interested in perhaps 1950s vintage dresses i quite enjoyed that actually because i get to see helen dressed up in pretty dresses which is nice i have to wait while martin's trying on loads of clothes i have to sit there with a book so given that the traditional gender roles as you put them sam are reversed in my relationship i would say take a book or enjoy something on a smartphone or go to a different shop and arrange to meet a bit later because often i'll dispatch martin to a guitar shop while i look at fabric samples and then we're both happy no that doesn't work every time i say to my girlfriend oh right whilst you're in

here i'll be in smith's oh well okay whilst you're in here i'll be in the apple store okay whilst you're in here i'll be in wherever by the time you get to the fourth time you've said that she begins to think i don't want to spend time with her it's not not spending time with her if she's in a changing room you're not with her anyway it's just she in her mind she's thinking but we're going to shops that have men's clothes as well even though some of the women's clothes shops she shop in sell really boring men's clothes so for example just yesterday in fact i spent 15 minutes waiting for her in a zara now zara for women's clothes is fine all of the men's clothes so for example just yesterday in fact i spent 15 minutes waiting for her in a zara now zara for women's clothes is fine all of the men's clothes are black and silver it's

like shopping for a coffin in the 21st century such sexism still persists i can't believe it of course when we went in i'd already done the thing where i said i'll meet you outside another shop in 15 minutes time three times so i thought okay golden rule of four can't do it again 3g no 3g in fact no mobile signal well you've got pocket there you've got articles you read no hand bothered it's in everybody save articles to pocket to read later i love pocket so did you think i'll just have a wank instead that would get you thrown out the store problem solved i'll tell you exactly what i did um i tried all of the aftershaves there are about five different own brand aftershaves in zara one of them's quite nice

okay and the other four smell sort of the same but of course once you've sprayed five of them on yourself you can't be distinguished i'm pretty sure if you mix all those things together you get some sort of precursor for like a nerve edge and then you don't know it's a molotov cocktail of aftershave then i played a game with myself where i tried to guess the price of the scarves that's what i did though when martin was shopping for shirts in the Liberties men department I played with the Liberties men's scarves and some of those are so soft it's like holding a ghost. Liberties is a good shop to hang around in though. Well because also they put chairs around. Yeah and the chairs themselves are probably worth about five grand. In some ladies shops you could just

have a sit and a snooze. Well I'll tell you actually what happened is after that 10 wasted minutes i went up to her and she said oh why are you still here i thought you were going to go up to wh smith that's why because we agreed and then i was like right i'll go into smith's now the thing that i want and it was an incredibly boring tedious thing it was clips to go on a foolscap file divider right the thing that i want i think is on the ground floor i'll see you in there went in there of course it wasn't on the ground floor it was on the first floor there better be a thrilling denouement and what happened is she came up in a half two minutes later saying ollie i've just been all on the ground floor and you weren't there you said you'd be on the ground floor that was your mistake having just tried

to be really nice boyfriend waiting for her i just erupted at her i just went i just waited for 10 fucking minutes in zara for you on top of my voice in smith i think nice boyfriend waiting for her I just erupted at her. I just went, I just waited for ten fucking minutes in Zara for you! On top of my voice in Smith. I think it's unfair for her to operate such double standards. Yes. Well, I thought I was right. But as we know in relationships, it's not about who's right, is it? I got my full scap clips. That's the important thing. Yes! Successful

date. Of course, I was single afterwards but I've got my full scap clips. But I can organise everything whilst I'm single. My files of new girlfriends. I've got my full scap clips but i can organize everything my files of new girlfriends i've got a question email your question to answer me this podcast at google mail.com to answer me to this podcast at google mail.com To answer me this podcast at GoogleMail.com To answer me this podcast at GoogleMail.com So retrospectives, what historical events are we ticking off on this week's run of Today in History? On Monday, we bring you the real story of the mutiny on the bounty.

On Tuesday, the anniversary of the day somebody invented the meatball, but who? On Wednesday, the iconic British car that ripped off an iconic American car. On Thursday, how American airlines invented air miles. And on Friday, the UFO sighting that gripped colonial America. We discuss this and more on Today in History with The Retrospectors. Ten minutes each weekday, wherever you get your podcasts. Time for a question from Patrick, who says, The other day I was perusing a local bookstore.

Good to support your local bookstores. And I found two books, the first and second in a series. There was, of course, a short little paragraph on the back of both books describing the plot. Standard. You better be going somewhere with this, Patrick. There were books there because it was a bookshop. The books had pages those had words on. He says, on the back of the first book, several mysterious questions were brought up,

whilst on the second book, all of those questions were immediately answered. I can't imagine an author would be so enthusiastic about spoiling her own books. So, Helen, answer me this. Who writes the blurbs on the backs of books well as if it's one person who writes all of them yeah well like the growly voice trailer man yeah good point yeah it usually falls patrick to someone at the publishing house

now it'll often be the book's editor in collaboration with the author or the book's editor will delegate it to an underling it just seems to be a job that no one really likes but i think authors sometimes don't know what it is about their own work that makes it sellable indeed and the editors do because they've bought it they've literally paid money to the author to buy their book so they understand why they bought it and also they may have only read the the first 30 pages of the finished product so they can write a good tease for the rest but as for the second of a series spoiling the first i think that's sort of unavoidable isn't it in a series it's like the hunger games i've seen the first film i haven't read any of the books but i can imagine the first book blurb going oh katniss might get slaughtered

will she shrug and the second book katniss goes and does the hunger games again yeah will she get slaughtered shrug then there are a couple of books. So you do have to assume. But I'd imagine that a lot of people buying the second book have already read the first one and they're okay with it. I actually find this less objectionable with books than with films, in fact. Because with books, at least you know that you're reading an interpretation of what's inside the book. You're reading a description, but it's written by a third party.

It's written in this sort of elusive way. Whereas with a film, when you're reading a description yeah but it's written by a third party it's written in this sort of elusive way um whereas with a film when you're looking at the trailer you are looking at the film like that's the film that's it's not an interpretation it is the film and i know that they can change the way that it's styled so something that isn't that funny can look much funnier and a thriller can actually look like it's pretty harmless and all that but nonetheless you're seeing clips from the film and sometimes if they show you too much i don't go and see the film well some films they obviously put all the best bits in the trailer particularly an action film if they've put all the action sequences in then what's the point but also i often find that uh with a blurb and a trailer

i think the product is probably better than this makes it look but they have cut together something that makes it look dreadful well have you seen the trailer for we're the millers uh yes now that i i'm i'm intrigued by that one because actually it makes it look much better yes it does than i would think a jennifer aniston comedy would be yes i watched it and i thought okay actually that looks quite quirky quite funny and it's got some laughs in it but they have literally every scene in there i know every single scene of that movie how's she gonna prove to the baddies that she's a stripper by stripping? Well, I never. So, you know, I know the whole story. I know that he picks up the boy who lives outside his flat.

You know, the girl as well. I know that the American family that they see at the border in Mexico gives them the idea to be an American looking family. I know that they get caught. I know that he sings along to Waterfalls. So I've seen every single scene of that film. Except for the denouement. Possibly.

Well, all they need to do is add another 20 seconds to the trailer and then you're done it's like when they used to print newspapers really small so people could send them to war zones for very cheap postage they could do that with films just cut a three minute version wouldn't work for a lot of films but we're the millers i'd imagine not much is going to get lost they do it on american tv series don't they previously on dexter some of that stuff is masterful like they'll take a whole series and condense it into 30 seconds you just think why did i waste 24 hours of my life watching that got the whole thing in 30 seconds yeah he's a killer he's dead she's on the hunt that's it conversely on the next week on mad men they just have pictures of people saying words that don't really mean anything out of context

so they'll just have someone who always drinks having a drink and i assume they're taking the piss obviously they don't want to give anything away really but it's not actually making you think oh i wonder what's going to happen because you know that they've just cut together a collage here's another question about books from dave who says in padso the other week there was a signature session for rick stein's new book i saw people queuing to buy it for over twice the price you could get it on amazon or for the same price you can get it as a local independent bookshop, which you should support with your money, Dave.

I enjoyed his seafood restaurant and have got his book, and I like his curries, but his signature wouldn't enhance my enjoyment in any way if he signed your curry with his finger. Meeting him or other notable celebs with some meaningful talent would be interesting in a relaxed, spontaneous environment. For instance, as I sat with my wife and other families as our children played. You get the idea.

I do, yes. No, I've been in relaxed, spontaneous environments before, but thanks for colouring me in. Not in a queue of 100 people all just wanting the same thing time and time again and paying £13 more for the privilege. They're not really paying £13 more. I know what you're saying. They're paying £13 more than they would on Amazon.

But as Helen pointed out, that's Rrp right it's amazon are charging 13 pounds less than everyone else because they can but that is what is ruining the book trade for everybody dave so from that point of view they're not thinking they're paying for it they're thinking they're getting something extra for free and what they're getting is facetime with someone that they like even even if it is two seconds and they're not going to have a bonding conversation. Doesn't stop some people though. They still want to. I think if you're a really big fan of someone

then it's exciting just to be in the same room as them. Because actually on a smaller scale people did that to us. We had our book out and we went and did book signings. One guy sat on us. He was a lovely fellow.

They brought us cakes. They asked us to write personal dedications in the front pages to their friends. They brought jam. Yeah. And they wanted to tell our stories about how they listened to our show. that's the thing so people were probably going up to rick stein and saying i made you curry the other night exactly great story that's probably

what rick stein's thinking helen but for that person they're thinking i've just told someone who makes my favorite go and curry that i like his go and curry and it's my favorite go and curry and that for them is a big deal yes and also for for Rick Stein, although it might be a bit tiresome and you might think, oh, these fools, they mean nothing to me, if they weren't there, then they would mean everything to him, wouldn't they? Yes, exactly. I think if you're a cook, that's one of those rare specialties which can involve a high degree of skill,

but it's also accessible to the beginner. So you might get people coming up and going, hey, I tried your Goan fish curry recipe, it was amazing amazing but you know what i did that really put a twist on that i dumped a whole jar of mayonnaise in it and it made it amazing and you go oh that's really interesting i'll try that next time you know and you know begin to have a conversation about it i think also a lot of people want their book to feel special and not just like any old book well this is it because there's value to it doesn't it well actually um especially now that authors will often sign thousands of copies there isn't really the rarity value okay a signature

doesn't necessarily particularly enhance the value of a book in the second hand market it's important that the signature has some rarity to it yeah if you got a first edition of the lord the ring signed by tolkien yeah that wouldn't be like getting a harry potter signed by jk rowling because she would have sat there for days having to sign loads and loads and loads yeah yeah yeah but if you get the first edition of a harry potter signed by jk rowling is i think the most anyone's ever paid for um for an autograph yeah but that would be stupid stupid rarity wouldn't it there weren't that many of them yeah sure because why would you get her to sign it because no one had read it yeah i mean if you want a rare signed edition of the answer me this book then uh go to bookseller

crowe who's our local independent bookshop crystal palace bookseller crow.com the george orwell 1984 signed copy apparently that's particularly rare because george orwell was in hospital when it came out and he never left alive when he was when he was writing it didn't right so he only signed very very few so it's the combination of the fact that his signature is rare anyway but then you're combining it with something that by necessity could have only happened on that one day there's no rarity to to rick stein sitting in a place where he lives anywhere died that day then suddenly they'd be worth more money that's the point morbid though and also i think paper was still rationed then print runs were smaller and those books fell apart more so those really will be much more rare than a well-produced shiny rick stein fish curry

book the locals here use mayonnaise a kind of salad cream. They also have hummus, which is like baked beans, but minced. It may sound funny, but it's actually really quite tasty. Try it with some pita bread, which is like bread. Cheers! Answer Me This Holiday, one hour of foreign muck, out now at answermethispodcast.com slash albums. It may be September, listeners, but that doesn't mean holiday season is over.

No. No, the Answer Me This holiday can be enjoyed at any time of year. Fancy that. It's the perfect barbecue soundtrack, even if that's a barbecue you're having on Halloween. Yes, or in February. If you want to find out more about the album, go to answermethispodcast.com slash holiday and then maybe you'll consider expending your £2. 49 pence on it and supporting answer me this by doing so yeah so that maybe eventually we can go on a holiday paid for by your purchases that'd be nice

yeah unlikely isn't it unless we go on one of those holidays a giveaway in the sun oh the 10 pound holidays where where are those going butlins i think mostly okay yeah i'd like to get a but there's an amazing uh water slide in butlin, of course, that you can keep the podcast going is by supplying your questions. And one way to do that is by giving us a call on this number. 0-2-0-8-1-2-3-5-8-double-7 As this person has done. Akin here from London.

Hello, I'm Ollie. Answer me this. Celebrities, when they're on community service, which services do they exactly have to do? Because I can't really imagine them kind of cleaning up graffiti or rubbish on the streets. You don't need to imagine that. You can just look at the tabloid pictures of them having to do that. Yeah, although I do quite like the idea that celebrities are so in their own special category

that they get a particular kind of punishment. Don't they have to go to Harrods and comb out all the mink coats and shine up the diamonds instead i i imagine in any case it depends on what area of the country their crime was committed or which area of the country has jurisdiction over their sentence or which country um indeed so uh you know they all get different sentences depending on where they are uh chris brown for example uh went and worked for 180 days in a stables no he didn't because he's just received a thousand hours of community service for not doing his previous load of community service for beating up rihanna so now i've seen a picture of chris baron in the stables anyway yeah he's doing a gig there for jesus he was supposed to do all this community service in his home state of virginia and instead

he was doing gigs not in virginia and was on private planes in mexico so they've said he can choose from removing graffiti cleaning up up highways, cleaning rubbish from beaches or general maintenance work. But the suspicion is, as underlined by Akin's question I think, would Chris Brown have been given that exact sentence in the first place if he wasn't famous? And it's hard to call that, isn't it?

Because sometimes you do think, do they go a bit easier on these people because them being inside a penal institution, yes, it sets an example to people, but they're going to create all kinds of problems with their lawyers, they're going to be a risk when they're inside of getting beaten up and stuff like that and actually it's easier to have them sets an example to people but they're going to create all kinds of problems with their lawyers they're going to be a risk when they're inside are getting beaten up and stuff like that and actually it's easier to have them setting an example by having a stupid photo shoot

where they're cleaning up the street wearing high heels even though that makes a mockery of it to an extent that is putting them in a prison. Naomi Campbell did five days at the New York sanitation department wearing couture. It's become a bit of a circus this hasn't it? I bet a load of celebrities are rubbish though at their community service because a lot of them will not have actually cleaned anything themselves for years. So having to do litter picking or scrubbing a street's not going to be really that easy for them. Now, here's a serendipitous question from Adrian because I was wondering just the same thing he's about to ask myself. Was it you writing in under a pseudonym?

No. Helen, answer me this. What is the difference between jam and conserve? Is conserve just a posh jam which costs more for the same thing? What about preserve? Isn't that a jam-like object? You're right, there's another one. Neither Adrian nor I thought about preserve.

What idiots we are. That's why you've got a PhD and we haven't. That's some next level shit. I've got a PhD in synonyms for jam. And actually, whilst we're asking questions Adrian hasn't asked, also, what's so special about marmalade that it's not just called orange jam? Oh, because it's not as fun as jam and they want everyone to know. I think in France, though, marmalade is a more creamy substance

made not just out of orange fruits. Right. Anyway, why all these categories, Helen? They're all jam. Well, there are a couple of definitions of conserve. One of them is essentially the same as preserve, where it is the same as jam in that it's fruit and sugar all boiled up together but in jam it all mushes down into a sort of consistent substance and in conserve slash preserve there's a bit more distinction in the textures between the fruit

lumps and that which they are suspended in so in plain plain English... Lumpy jam. Lumpier, yeah. Yeah, but others suggest that conserve is made out of dried fruit and also nuts. That is nuts. Yeah, that's wrong. Here's a question from Will in Oxford who says, Helen, answer me this. Is Frankenstein's monster a zombie? No.

My gut says no. What's the argument for? Frankenstein's monster is made up of dead bits of other people. Therefore, he's sort of like the living dead. Yes, but I think the general definition of zombie is a dead human that has been brought back to a sort of living state via supernatural forces. And all in one piece as well. Frankenstein's monster is brought back by scientific forces.

I think that's a very narrow definition of a zombie. I think the main feature of a zombie is mindlessness. I disagree that's the main feature. I agree that's a feature. You don't say Jesus is a zombie. It's not to do with reanimation. It's the mindlessness. It's their lack of agency.

It comes from the Haiti Voodoo priest controlling people's minds, doesn't it? That's where the original zombie comes from. Whereas Frankenstein's monster is a very cerebral creature, isn't he? He's tortured by his own existence. Not at the beginning. He's just like... But at the end when he's He's tortured by his own existence. Not at the beginning, he's just like, but at the end when he's learnt things. Yeah, he's a baby at the beginning, a baby in an eight-foot body.

That's right, yeah. They speed through a lot there, don't they? Because he suddenly knows how to talk and he's not only just talking, but talking quite a poetic way quite quickly. Well, Mary Shelley didn't want to describe five years of primary education. Yeah. And really, I'd say that his reading is like gcse level oh well he probably

has to study frankenstein then very common set text yeah that would be weird i think the book is a little sketchy about how frankenstein creates the monster but of course in the definitive source which is kenneth branner's film adaptation here's like a collage of bits of corpses that he's stolen yeah and why does he do that? Why doesn't he just use one? Well, that's what I wondered. And especially when, spoiler for something that is really old, especially when he has to make his wife into a similar monster

so that Frankenstein's monster has a mate, she also looks like a collage, even though she is just one person. So I think it's a bit of a silly flourish, isn't it? It's a flaw in an otherwise perfectly realistic film so anyway we're coming down on the side of no he's not a zombie no i think i'd agree with that i would just like to put out a plea to our listeners don't feel encouraged by this question to send in more questions about zombies because of all things i don't give a shit about in this world zombies are pretty much at the top yeah helen probably rejects three times as many zombie questions as she does questions of cats that

gives you some perspective on her level of indifference if you write to us saying what's your plan in the case of a zombie apocalypse i don't care i'm happy to be dead because i so don't give a shit about what would happen in the event of a zombie apocalypse i do quite like 28 days later yeah that is that is a good film that's why I'm a little bit conflicted because I kind of think 28 Days Later was quite good

and I thought Shaun of the Dead was quite fun but they're both atypical well no but I've seen the George A Romero ones equally some of them

quite fun so it's not like I hate it it's not like with sport like all sport which I hate even pole vault even pole vault no

most sport okay but nonetheless zombies like actually watching the odd zombie film I'm fine with. It's the speculation that's so tedious about something that isn't real.

But musicals aren't real, Ollie. I know, but read a newspaper. That's made up and all. That's a good point. Down and lonely, life is so confusing. I need some answers Preferably amusing Now I find

A podcast that will suit I listen to Helen and Ollie On my half-hour commute Here's a question from John from Oxford who says, I recently stumbled across a photo on Twitter, at Helen and Ollie, that's where you want to be. At Martin Oxford. Yeah.

Which showed a game where young, sexy women were playing American football in merely their underwear. It really is a fetish for everything these days, isn't it? Yeah, it's also an interesting use of the word stumbled there. Did you really stumble across that, John? Yeah, he fell over and his dick got caught in the photo. I presume, continues John, this is some sort of weird American sport

in which perverted, fat, middle-aged men watch these women for sexual gratification. Why must these men be fat? Or middle-aged? I suppose he's just talking in terms that people do when they try and pigeonhole the internet as sad, disparate and desperate people. a lot of thin people are desperate and gross well there was all this controversy recently about kids getting cyber bullied and stuff i heard many

times on talk radio presenters say things like well we all know the kind of people we're talking about in some lonely bedroom somewhere and i was like well maybe they might be in the school computer room they might be next to you yeah they might be you maybe they might be in the school computer room. They might be next to you right now. Yeah, they might be you. And they might be in really good physical shape, actually. Anyway, John continues. When I looked into the matter further, I discovered there was, in fact, a National Lingerie Football League. He must be really into this photo to do some supplementary research. He's done some serious stumbling, hasn't he?

So, Helen, answer me this. What the fuck? That's not a proper question. And also, who founded this game? And is it just a form of mild porn? They're not having sex. They're playing sport. Now, but I know what he means by the use of the word porn there.

He's not saying, he knows they're not having sex, but he's saying that the primary objective is titillation. Well, titillation is different to porn. Not all titillation is porn. But that's not the question he's really asking. It's certainly not, but we've done very well to be so academic on such a ridiculous subject. Just be a bit careful with that word.

So it was founded by a man called Mitchell S. Mortaza. And the plan was that it would be like an alternative Super Bowl halftime show, you know, when they winch out Madonna and she does some shouting. You could go onto pay-per-view and watch women playing American football in their underwear.

Seven aside. I think it first appeared in 2009 and then a league quite quickly sprang up and now they're going sorry and uh next year they're going to erect a league in europe as well so we can play with the america and canada and australia so john from oxford you can stumble across this with other people as well yeah they're taking it in a new direction well actually they have been martin because in january Who can play with America and Canada and Australia. So, John, from Oxford, you can stumble across this with other people as well. In RL. Are they taking it in a new direction? Well, actually, they have been, Martin, because in January of this year, they stopped calling it the Lingerie Football League

and renamed it the Legends Football League. So they said, we want this to seem more like a legitimate sport. Oh, how ridiculous. These women are sexy athletes. Oh, for fuck's sake, I agree. They also put them in more sporty versions of bras and knickers so they didn't have uh little ribbons on anymore but they are still skimpy and they are still getting wedgies but it looks kind of like it looks more like what female runners wear but

that's just the wrong approach isn't it because obviously they must have come under criticism this is misogynistic that it's sexist it's an impression of women based purely on uh you know aesthetic concerns and all the rest of it and it's demeaning however however your your answer to that is clearly to create a male lingerie football league and then really what can anyone complain about just create a male one if you're worried about being sexist but don't pretend it's sport that's a very interesting approach thank you you must be very conflicted by something like the legends football league because it is sexy underclothed ladies but they're playing

sports but they're playing sports yeah can you get it up to that I am split yes

maybe if I you've got a fork penis well listeners enjoy that image and if you can yeah and if you can

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